GRUBSTAKE: ONE SPAGHETTI

 

Bart BB: see that faint long skinny antenna sticking out from beyond the horizon in the offing?

Jen R: that's wild, i never noticed that before.

Bart BB: that's what the Strange Tower REALLY looks like.

Jen: how have i never seen that before?!!! i come here all the time.

Bart BB: you can't blame the weather, little lady. that ain't smoke from my six-shooter, that's overcast sky. see? it's like that.

at the saloon, Dirg is massing the courage to talk to women. or to drink.

Dirg: so um, is it Skylar with an a or an e?

Skylar: a. the exotic way.

Dirg: i go to school.

Skylar: right on.

Dirg: when i go to the grocery i only get ONE box of spaghetti so i'll be able to see you MULTIPLE times throughout the week. instead of just getting a box of 20 boxes of spaghetti at Costco.

Skylar: aw that's sweet.

Dirg: want to go to school with me?

Skylar: why are you hitting on me? are you stupid? i'm Bart BB's girl!!! 

Dirg: i just figured.........you were one of the saloon whores.

Skylar: NO, MAN!!! what's wrong with you, ponchohead?!!! i just like wearing the Carmen Sandiego red dress. i'm studying at college to be a flamenco dancer.

Jen R: saddle up to the bar, kid, this is the adult world you're dealing with. hey hey, kid, next time charm her with an adult beverage. drink your Clamato juice to build your muscles, milk is for wimps. i called your mom and she said she didn't mommy up with you, you turned out this way because she didn't breastfeed you. breastfeeding ain't for chumps. 

Dirg: Santa betrayed me this Christmas, i didn't get a car.

Santa: you numbnuts, i had bigger things to take care of, i had to give Ollie Watkins the last of my magic.

Jen: next time pray to that Univision fortuneteller genie with that cool gold turban, Steven de Jesus.

Moss Beach Distillery: iconic white futuristic facade. haunted. a real haunted house. Fatty Arbuckle, don't ask. like a space wigwam. an outer-space wigwam for spirit walks outside the sequence of time. like the house from that Amazing Stories episode.

Jen R: an Adirondack chair in my art alcove room, think about it...

grandma: the ONLY CHAIRS in Maine are Adirondack chairs...

Joe Namath: come on, wife, change your last name to Lu.

Suzy Kolber: nothing doing, Joe!!! '80s electronics ain't never coming back, they can only be nostalgia now...

Bowzer the Bulldog: that was not a dog bark, that was a man sneezing...

Bruce Willis at the Euros: i'm not playing Biden, that's not funny.

George Clooney: i mean i'm willing to play Gavin Newsom...

Clooney: this is gonna be a nil-nil election for our country...

Leslie Sbrocco on America's Test Kitchen: they drizzle all the food with honey...

Morgan Bolling: that's actually oil. get your mind out of the gutter, this is a G-rated show.

me: long time no see. are you still Egyptian yet British?

mv: uh yeah, that's how that works.

me: i'm sure you have a kid by now.

mv: yes, of course i do. but my life is a movie, yours isn't.

John McEnroe the Wimbledon Gift Shoppe narrator: i'm gonna narrate here like Charlton Heston did on the Earthquake Universal Studios ride. tiny cat-litter pebbles can grant your wishes. we got a new shipment of Emma Raducanu teacups in this morning, you can have your Pimm's fruit cups, she is my chocolate desire. don't you feel dirty watching the Cleveland Browns' Hard Knocks on CBS? i'm seeing someone, sorry.

zoology: stretching won us two World Wars. a fly has the best center of gravity. if you're fat you can't drive a sports car. nevermind, you're funny and intelligent. the Cleveland Browns have traded you to the Rams, Super Mario needs a new voice...

Bob Wylie: you talking about me? i'm an absolute unit. that's not fat, that's one stomach muscle. The Beatles wrote that walrus song about me after i freed their crumpet asses in WWII.

Mitch Hedberg: i'm not funny, i'm physics.

Mitch Hedberg at St. Ambrose Catholic Church: is Mitch Hedberg here?

Arctic Monkeys "Fluorescent Adolescent": there's hope for virgins.

at the Euros, a Spain striker waits with the soccer ball, turns 90 degrees, then kicks the ball into the crowd.

Alexis Lalas: what the fuck was that?

Djokovic at Wimbledon dealing with a heckler: security, THERE, THAT GUY, in the stands in Aisle Z, get him.

Andy Murray: it's just me, Novak, i want to be your coach.

Djokovic: get him.

Djokovic: my racquet is a Stradivarius. i play tennis as a hobby now. does it still count if you win Wimbledon after two matches?

woman: what are you all about?

Dirg: you want to date me?

woman: no but what are you all about?

Dirg: you have to date me for that!!!

greasy-spoon fast-food joint: Denny's calls it a diner.

Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne movie: i'm dating this guy in the movie but i'm dating the other guy in the series. see? being alone is not spiritual. this end-credits music is so painfully beautiful.

David Hockney: my swimming pool was the start of Vaporwave...

Boc: why do i always wake up with sore soles?

Soledad O'Brien: it's not your shoes, it's your soul.

John Cusack in Better Off Dead: ...

Deen from Mr. Maldark's class: stay in your lane.

John Cusack: Better Off Dead would have been okay if i drove an Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.

John Mayer: you're my hero.

Gilford, New Hampshire not every piece of land needs a flag...

Boc: don't play that game as a jogger where you try to outrun the car coming from the corner of the intersection...

3 Mordecai bluebirds: see this backlawn of yours? it's all the same to us, it's the same lawn as the lawn in the intersection.

septic-tank truck in the middle of The Barnyard: this'll take awhile...

British Columbia: we're the Canadian Seattle.

me: Pimm's!!! the Wimbledon drink!!! i'm a fruit cup!!!

Jules Smith: there's nothing more beautiful than an English garden. to play Wimbledon on.

me: the feelings came flooding back when you responded to me for the first time in a year.

Jen R: i would gladly get rid of our modern phones for the return of the red British telephone booth. i'm Superman.

Jules: i'm assuming England leads Netherlands 5-0...

Messi: England is so good they beat Argentina in the final...

Jen: Arthur cars!!! but where's Dudley Moore?

Dudley Moore: i heard the music, you dunce.

Vanquish pills: psst, hey kid, over here in this alley, you like Velcro, right? Velcro gut lining, it's '80s nostalgia...

Ear Horn: devil's claw, dearie, works wonders.

Danny DeVito: my Miranda Priestly hair, that needs to be my full-time hair going forward.

Minster: my kind of priest.

Mister Rogers' Neighborhood After Dark: swim caps...

Stevie Nicks singing "Rhiannon": i got my Farrah Fawcett feather-flock bangs on tonight!!!

Einstein: once you see a thing, it's up to the seer.

Taylor Fritz: i did it for the Gipper.

grapeseed shampoo: i look like maple syrup.

Denny's: there are baths at Denny's.

Garbage Pail Kid: sniff a bare bunless greasy hot dog under your nose like a cigar. the split sizzling center of a hot dog is so Garbage Pail Kids.

Coco Gauff on the runway: hey listen, i'm hotter than Venus Williams, feel me?

Verizon: so we won't replace your phone if your baby chucks it out your car window...

Jen: i care, but i'm too depressed to care, you know?

me: yeah.