Wednesday, November 30, 2022



Avo Babian in the track tower: how was Spanish class?
me: SO INTERESTING. Mr. Diamond is a HOOT. he's so cool and down-to-earth, his bald head makes the class shine. 
Avo: are you sure it's not the cheap light? i don't have to take Language for high school, i already aced it cos i speak fluent Armenian.
me: his class is first thing in the morning but i'm wide awake:

Mr. Diamond: it's before the bell, class, rustle some paper and get your protractor ready for the projector.
Bartolomeo twins: for Spanish? do i uh we my brother and me have to take this class? we're already Spanish.
Mr. Diamond: you do if you want to learn proper English grammar. look at me smiling, look at my smile.
me: it's like a warm chipmunk, so soothing and nostalgic for me.
Naraja: come on, man, can't you get better adult braces? can't you get a better plan? you're Screech's uncle for fuck sake!!! i see Screech's mansion on my drive over here every morning in my red Jeep truck that's 10 feet tall for no reason.
Mr. Diamond: as teachers we learn how to take the most vicious abuse from our students. this world is fucked, i have hope in the children of tomorrow. ironically, i don't get made fun of for my bald head, i get made fun of for looking like a Marx Brother. class, from now on i would like an orange placed on my desk, not an apple. thank you kindly. may blessings reign down on all your tiny little pointy heads.

me: the best part is when Mr. Diamond goes off on a tangent about a life-experience story of his when he was teaching in the trenches of public education as he's trying to conjugate a Spanish verb for us:

Mr. Diamond: and that is why last night's episode of Family Ties was so special.
me: OMG. YOU watch Family Ties, too?!!! we were watching the episode AT THE SAME TIME!!! this is why my teacher is cool. this is why you're RAD, Mr. Diamond!!!
Diamond: Mallory asks her father if he believes in God after her beloved quirky aunt's funeral. Steven Keaton lovingly answers that he never talks about this much but he does believe in a God, not the fire-and-brimstone God but a benevolent spirit that oversees everything who looks like Cary Grant. this makes Mallory chuckle again as she thinks back to how much her aunt wanted to fuck Cary Grant. 
me: i know, right? that scene was so warm. and SO '80s. in the '80s everyone had that kind of not-talked-about baseline level of belief of God that was no big deal. everyone believed in God in the '80s.
Diamond: i don't teach fuzzy math, i teach words. Steven Keaton, father of the year of the decade. i wish i had had the cajones, the brass balls to stand up to my Tijuanan madre to tell her i wanted to be the manager at a PBS station instead of a teacher. i love my mother, she put me through school selling oranges on the freeway. i wish i had gone to Berkeley like Steven Keaton, not UCLA. 

at Gelson's, Michaela From Safeway is switching shifts.
Michaela From Safeway: oh god i HATE these seniors who come in here at 9AM deliberately showing off that they can miss first period. they laxily stroll the halls of the grocery store looking for their kombucha and banana and oat bagel.
branch manager: that's healthy tho, right? those boys are hot, they're muscular from surfing, tan, tall, blond, blue eyes.
Michaela From Safeway: but are they kind? that's very rare, i've only met one of those here. they amble their way up to the register and give me the stink-wink. then they slide the banana through the hole of the bagel. look i get it, i'm a cute girl with a nice big butt in these dem jeans, these surfer jeans even tho i don't surf. i'm the only deli worker who cuts the dark-rye sandwiches diagonal. and i exclaim WOOOOOO when i smell and pour out the peppersteak, i'm a glamorous catch!!!
branch manager: give em a chance, you'll be rich someday if you stick by one of these idiots despite their abhorrences. these are all future brokers at their daddy's bank.
Michalea From Safeway: i mean look at their cars they park and pollute our parking lot with, they all drive gas-guzzling Jeeps. Kia, gentlemen, Kia.

Tatiana: omg Mardith was right!!! i just picked up a bottle of Iron Tulip from the Crespi High School Pharmacy!!! Iron Tulip tastes like when you get an extra booster of niacin.

at the student-run newspaper, it's Harlan Ellison's first day.
Vivziepop: i'm the new boss not the same as the old boss. i'm the cool boss. look at my comics, they're avant-garde and edgy. we take risks at this office, we go for it, draw your sin. aren't you a little old to be in high school?
Harlan Ellison: i'm here to find a wife. on the staff, not the students. 
Vivziepop: we gotta get in the game, you know? we gotta go where the action is. i'm sending you as a cub reporter to all the parties around the San Fernando Valley, that whole rock circle, go find a woman named Edina swimming in an unnecessary pool, she'll lead you the way.

Harlan Ellison: SIGH, in the '90s i was strapped for cash so i had to write for Cadillacs and Dinosaurs. MY Hannah said "Oh No" a lot like that Mighty Orbots Ohno. don't worry, i know that women can drive.

Harlan Ellison: Mustapha of course cos we needed a Lion King Happy Meal tie-in. we got 30 canisters of nitroglycerin, the job will take 3 hours but we only got 24 minutes. you see how i wrote myself out of a corner there on that one? i used the Thelma & Louise car-eliminator.

Harlan Ellison: wait this show takes place in the year 2500? that IS science fiction!!! there's NO WAY Earth will last that long!!!

Harlan Ellison at the pool party.
Harlan: so you seem like a happenin' guy. what's the haps around here?
Brento is a stocky kid with freckles and brown mussed hair. he's like a Southern Pigpen. Brento doesn't say anything, he just grunts like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade.
Harlan: boy you're gonna have to speak up. i was Leslie Jordan before Leslie Jordan.
Brento: you're cool. i think. i want to be like you. i like music. country music, Garth Brooks, biggest album ever, The Shits. hehehehehe yurp. Garth has one good song that kinda sounds like Nirvana.

Elon Musk: yeah Grimes and i grew closer over cocktails on my spaceship as we discussed Roko's Basilisk. we fell in love talking about how evil immoral out-of-control singleton A.I. would one day destroy Planet Earth.

at the nurse's office.
Gladyce: i cut all the toes off my socks with a scissors. i look like Fred Flintstone.
Doryce: Wilma, dear.
Gladyce: then what's the point of socks?!!! if you're just gonna walk barefoot on schoolyard asphalt. 
Mardith: it's dangerous to walk barefoot on sticky strip-club floors, believe me.
Gladyce: do i just go barefoot from now on everywhere outside? each morning i exchange one sock with holes in the toe and heel with another sock with holes in the toe and heel from my Wiccan wicked wicker hamper.
Tatiana sucks Gladyce's toes in a nursely way.

The Mighty Ducks: it's not a solar panel, it's not an ice rink, it's a sunlight vent...

on the small sliver of green grass between the football field and the track.
Christian Pulisic: i'm a shy guy, listen to me talk in interviews, i got a soft voice. but the Iran match was a tinderbox.........a tinderbox of kindness, look at all the hugs the opposing teams gave each other after. we sympathize with the Iranian soccer players, they go back home to HELL. don't you want to see us win the whole World Cup now? it would be a win for kindness in the world.

on the football field
Mike White: i wink like Sam Smith.

Kumail Nanjiani on the high-school stage: i got beefed up, bulked up, i got swoll for my part in that superhero movie.
Monsignor Navin: Crespi has its own weight room, i'm in there every morning after Mass polishing the handlebars.
Kumail: so naturally i was inclined to get excited over the gaze of the muscular body, i got intrigued by naked muscles. i was in the muscle game now, so of course my next project i was drawn to, salivating over, was the Chippendales movie.

at the student pool.
seafloor depression: yeah i have depression, i'm at the bottom of a volcano!!! how would YOU feel to get woken up by lava?

at the class computer lab.
Xiaomi: show me.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
H. Jon Benjamin: a live-action Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie could work.........think about it...

Eye: The Absolutely Fabulous Movie and go.
Jennifer Saunders: THERE WILL BE NO SEQUEL. i am SICK TO DEATH of these characters. tho i DO LOVE saying dahlin all the time, i say dahlin to my family, my real family, at the dinner table and i say dahlin to my bosses at the BBC, they love that when i'm renegotiating my contract with them.

Jennifer Saunders: have you noticed something? we're THE FABULOUS FIVE OF J!!! all our first names start with J!!! Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Julia Sawalha, Jane Horrocks, June Whitfield. 

Jennifer Saunders: i took 30 years to write this bloody movie script after the show ended cos i wanted to do it JUST RIGHT, you know? it took a long time cos i kept thinking, "wouldn't it be awful if it was awful?" after all that this turned out OKAY, it was.........FINE. 

Jennifer Saunders: i made sure to write the French Riviera into the script cos i needed a vacation from my family...

Joanna Lumley: my last name, if you kiss me i use tongue, isn't that how it sounds? for Christ's sake, woman, WRITE THE SCRIPT BEFORE WE'RE ALL DEAD!!!

Julia Sawalha: i swallow. but that's none of your business. the press hounded me as all British press hounds do trying to get the deets on my relationships. no details from me, i kept mum, both British meanings. i kept it ALL HIDDEN: secret weddings in Bali, receptions on Mauna Loa, none were the wiser. FUCK YOU, PIERS MORGAN.

Jane Horrocks: i am not horrid. and i don't wear a yoke around my neck. i mean i do for fun off set when i get back in bed with Dawn French but not at work. i come from an ancient family of British witches who placed a hex on my plump wide thighs, i was the envy of every crone in my hay village.
Doryce and Gladyce: can confirm.
Jane: look at my face, don't i have one of those faces that comes from a long line of English witches who crafted the stone used for Stonehenge? look at my face with grey hair and a few more wrinkles...

June Whitfield: i'm dead.

Robert Webb: i've been a hardcore atheist my whole life. but then my mum died and i started praying.........but i'm back being an atheist, baby!!! that was a short reprieve, i'm back in the Good Guys Club where i belong with my fellow nothingers!!! IT ALL MEANS NOTHING, MATES!!! including my mom.........i guess. it's a lonely rational club. you know my belief coincided with me quitting smoking, i think that was it. i was the only one on that show The Smoking Room who actually smoked between takes in real life.

Chris Colfer: not a golfer. how cool was 2016 for me?!!! right?!!! i was the breakout star of Glee, doing my out-in-the-open-and-proud gay thing and i was STRONG as i toured malls all across America soaking in the adulation when i swung my sai around. and Lea Michele was nice to me. and.........all my Glee castmates were still alive...

Kate Moss: my agent said i failed my Aquaman audition so i had to settle for this.
Amber Heard: ...

Lulu: in which one was i better, this or the Doctor Who thing?

Emma Bunton: don't i sound like i bake muffins? i was the only Spice Girl who agreed to do this film. i loved this show so much when i was a very young girl watching telly with my mum, we bonded over the dahlins. but, you know, after the first series, the show kinda went downhill.

Dawn French: I CREATED THIS ENTIRE FRANCHISE!!! yeah, ME!!! i wrote the SKIT this show was based on, "Modern Mother and Daughter". look for it on dailymotion.

Eddy Monsoon: there's no controversy, there's no makeup. it's just a show. nobody in this wore makeup, look at my and Patsy Stone's faces.
Patsy Stone: speak for yourself, dahlin, i look like a hot mummy. with bandages.
Eddy: hey Stone, you could stand to shed a few stone.
Patsy: how dare you. exact opposite, mate.

Jane, or Lola: HEY!!! you can't treat me like that anymore, you old bint!!! i hate Joanna Lumley.
Patsy Stone: whyever not?
Jane: cos i'm a modern teen!!! i get power from listening to Beyonce tiktoks. this generation's gonna FIGHT. you can't go around casually using racist terms on me anymore, don't you want to work for the Queen someday?
Patsy: the Queen is dead.

Eddy: i'm 60? you know what, i look EXACTLY 60. what the fuck am i doing this movie for? i know, money. i love you, Graham Norton, i want to SLURP YOU, Graham Norton, i want to lick your naked manly body.
Graham Norton: get her away from me!!!
Eddy: you're gay, YOU HAVE TO LOVE EVERYBODY!!! oh so you can dish it out on your show but you can't take it, aye?

Eddy: writing a book is easy. 
publisher: writing fiction is easy, writing an autobiography is hard.

Kim Kardashian: i wrote a book. that was published. and now it's on the New York Times Best 100 List. no it's not a 100-pound fashion book, its title is Dealing with a Spouse's Mental Illness.

fashion house: we'll invite Kanye. Kanye is still cogent in 2016, next year not so much...

Bubble: please let me out of this ridiculous balloon outfit, the show is Absolutely Fabulous not Absolutely Ridiculous. AbFab not AbRid. hashtags have never done ANYTHING for society.

Saffron Monsoon: Saffy, that just sounds weird.

fashion-show reporter: who are you wearing?
model: my bare bottom.

Jennifer Saunders: Kate Moss was not injured in the making of this movie. we actually shot her in full scuba gear and then edited out the scuba gear in post.
director of this movie: that's me in the end credits showing my vag...

Laertus: oh god i get a HARD-ON when i see REAL BBC BABES on the telly!!! these are actual female BBC news reporters doing the news here pretending the Kate Moss drowning in the Thames story is real, they're reporting on Kate Moss as if it were Somalia, I LOVE IT. 
Eye: babe i've never seen you this excited before!!!
Laertus: i like my news BRITISH, that's how i know it's accurate.

Eddy: we got another brick thrown at our house again.
Pink Floyd: we recorded that album just down the block from here...
Eddy: we really need to replace our glass front door. 
Saffy: great, another troll threat? you know maybe the internet wasn't such a good idea...
Eddy: no dahlin, the brick was a fruitcake brick thrown by one Codrus of the Monk Boys.

Jane: why do you stay with her? all these years, these lo many 40 years.
Patsy: i like to party.
Jane: fine, Grandma Edina.
Eddy: how dare you, squirt.
Jane: here, take my credit card. but it only has enough money to buy a Barbie math book.

Patsy Stone: my last name is Stone cos the original skit was talking about Dawn French losing a few stone of weight.

Patsy: dahlin you know the only landing spot for girls like us is Cannes. England is lost, France is the future.
Eddy: yes dahlin, offshore accounts, wink wink.
Patsy: i'm gonna look up an old flame here, he's a fat disgusting old boat man now but he's still rich. and now he's talking about pubic hair. excuse me while i cough overboard. you can't be young forever, numbnuts!!! what happened to love?
Eddy: i mean is it so wrong what we do? all women should maximize their looks to get as rich as possible while they still can. i mean what's the point of tits? tits are there to make women rich, tits serve no other function.
Saffy: i still don't know what milk tastes like...

Eddy: FRACK ME on my shirt. i'm not after oil money, i want to save the planet. in real life i mean.

Saffy: always know a few bars and the lyrics to a few Irene Cara love songs from 1980's Fame if you ever find yourself at a drag bar looking for directions...

Patsy: Pat Stone, that sounds like a footballer. i don't know which football. look at my pencil mustache as i say "Frankly my dear i don't give a damn". do i get the money now? 
elderly wealthy baroness: oh i finally found my Errol Flynn!!! i want a life mate, not bedroom roleplay.
Eddy: cosplay, dahlin, Lola taught me that.

Eddy: all weddings are shams, dahlin, they're just empty ceremonies. nobody looks at the flowers at a wedding anyways, all the guests are only interested in the pigs-in-a-blanket.

Joan Collins: i'm in a POOL AGAIN?!!!
Liz Gillies: i got to do the pool catfight in my Dallas!!! that was so fun!!!

Bubble: this lavish mansion ain't embezzling, it's JUSTICE for a life squandered.

Pasty: i never learned to drive!!! i had chauffeurs for that sort of thing!!!
Eddy: next time we get a delivery van with FOUR wheels not three wheels.

Eddy: well, we always did want an infinity pool. now we're in one.
Patsy: don't go back to your daughter, dahlin, blood is not thicker than.........THIS water.

Saffy: mom, DESPITE EVERYTHING, i do love you. i still love you. i love you.
Eddy: dahlin take off your glasses, just once, dahlin, let mummy see...

Eddy: i was neglectful.........of making the correct connections to be successful in life.
Saffy: not your family? by the way, who's my father?
Eddy: Chris Colfer. can we still say Chris Colfer?
Saffy: why have you always hated me?
Patsy: because you have always hated me.

baroness: let's just say the ending of this movie is.........The Crying Game.

Jennifer Saunders: yes, i was going for Titanic Meets The Crying Game.

Perez Hilton: y'all hate me cos you all jealous of me. you hate me cos you ain't me. g'night folks.

at the Crespi track i'm doing my best to make a fresh start, to start over, to make amends for before. to make a better first impression, after all i'm gonna be here 4 years, right? so i ride atop a gigantic brilliant golden bird with a wingspan as long as the sun's rays, with a beak that glows yellow red blue and purple, feathers of fire, talons of talcum powder, a tail to die for. i swoop over the track and hover for a bit as my bird drops water bottles to the exhausted athletes below, the tired cross-country runners running without shoes and socks.

Avo: hey that's cool helping out all the runners and jumpers and swingers. why are you doing this?
me: well the whole Phoenix thing got to me. i'm here to take the Phoenix name BACK, you know? to OWN it again, RE-OWN it. between the Aqua Teen thing and the election deniers at the polling box and that villain from that Mighty Orbots episode, Phoenix is getting a bad name!!!
Avo: omg i love The Mighty Orbots, that show is a classic!!!
me: there's a lot of WINKING on that show, a lot of winking on The Mighty Orbots, everybody's always winking...

at the Crespi red-and-black cherry-and-licorice Christmas-candy-cane track.
Boc: so i have to walk HERE now? high-school boys? nah. i mean running IS how my hot aunt Amy Robach and smooth T.J. Holmes got together so there's gotta be something to it. 

Friday, November 25, 2022




* got the turkey shits? eat more spaghetti...

* Bakewell: keep your muff pie warm, the feeling of bliss is a Peppermint Frosty.

* Christian Pulisic: of course i play for an English soccer squad, my middle name is Mate. yeah Tuesday is gonna be rough, it's gonna be TENSE, we HAVE TO WIN against Iran and the stands are gonna be filled with Mahsa Amini protestors who will clash with the Iraqi government watchers in the stands, the whole air in that entire stadium is gonna be uneasy and jittery the whole match, i just hope there isn't an international incident on the field.

* Denny's: we serve a lot of broccoli. but there's never any soy sauce out on the table in the pancake-syrup tray, there's ketchup and Cholula Hot Sauce but no soy sauce.

* tattooed-six-pack dude from the Carly Rae Jepsen "Call Me Maybe" music video: i didn't receive ONE ROYALTY from doing that video. not one check. they wanted me to kiss a guy for $500. there's a lot of things i would do for $500 but that ain't one of them. looking back, maybe if i HAD kissed that dude on the lips, a big wet no-homo kiss just for the cameras, i'd be trust-fund-baby-rich now, i wouldn't have to get a job mowing lawns anymore, nobody at the time had any idea that damn song would get THAT BIG. it's like buying stock in Disney in 1900 when it was just a churro stand.

* Cotard: we will serve the cause of the Ukrainian people in the war in any way we can. ain't that right, brother?
Codrus: what. oh yeah sure whatever i couldn't care less who wins the war, i take no sides i just collect the check at the end of it.
Cotard: our monastery in Ukraine will be used as a secret base for the Ukrainian soldiers, we won't give away the hiding places in there to the Russians, the book-tilt stairwells behind the bookshelves. as contemplative monks we've thought LONG about what is morally right in this world.
Codrus: long and HARD. mostly hard.

* Amazon Romeo & Juliet
Romeo: Jiggle Jiggle.
Juliet: how can you see my tits under this tight-as-fuck corset?
Romeo: no the name of the party song. you just need a WiFi microphone.
Juliet: wherefore wifi? microphone, what's that? girls in this era use spoons and forks.

* Kay Jewelers: you go girl. now ma'am, you're a hot milf or gilf of age 50 we presume.........i mean honestly that boyfriend of yours is young enough to be your son...

* Apple Airpods: the message here isn't to dance your bliss and step to the rhythm of your heart, it's that everything in this city is made of asbestos.

* NFL My Cause
me: my mom had to do an oral book report on sickle-cell anemia. in front of the nurse board. i've never seen my mom like that before, it was eye-opening. she was like some stressed-out junior-high student studying without sleeping, cramming for the big trig test tomorrow. 

* son in sweater in the Coca Cola commercial: touching, this commercial was touching. but Coke, you claim to be Magic, right? so bring my dead mother back, Coke...

* Donald Faison's wife: is that that idiot Zach Braff again at the door?
Donald Faison: not so loud, ma, he's standing right here!!!
Zach Braff: that's okay, your woman loves me. i date around. anywho, can we go without the formality of the cue cards? i just want to know whether you like eggnog lukewarm or hot?
Donald: um, isn't it supposed to be cold?
Zach: T-Mobile makes eggnog now.

* me: OH COOL!!! that Crown Royal commercial everyone's seen a billion times, you know the one, with Anthony Ramos and the Brooklyn brownstone stoops, but you see i've never seen the full 1-minute version before!!! this is a REVELATION, the mom who plays Anthony's mom is his REAL MOM!!! to my mom, the greatest woman in the world, a toast with cheap liquor and one ice cube from a bottle ensconced in a crushed-velvet deep-pimp-purple pouch with gold cinch string. when you have friends like these, you are a rich man, you don't need to have a trust fund and keep checking on checks. that's that hot Latina nurse from E.R.. omg Anthony Ramos has a crush on Sonia Manzano from Sesame Street!!! this makes perfect sense given the location. DON'T WE ALL HAVE A CRUSH ON MARIA!!!

* Chevrolet Mrs. Hayes spot: okay this was touching, but i was thinking the boy would grow up to be her adult son, her non-blood son she adopted when he was a teenager.
old woman now: i appreciate the ice-blue coat of paint you gave my car through the years, Chevrolet. but really i just want my husband back. my husband died being forced to fight in an illegal war, where is my divine recompense for that?

* FedEx winter play: doesn't this give you that warm feeling again? when everyone in your 3rd Grade Class tried out for the school play. back then everyone in your class had dreams of being on Broadway someday, everyone in your class could act and sing, it was all easy. no art critics from the New York Post, all you had to do was entertain your drunk parents in the audience in the dark for 20 minutes before everyone went outside in the freezing cold to Christmas-carol around the neighborhood in an ice-blue Chevy at night. and the apple cider was cold.

* Toyota Sequoia campfire story: remember the Hendersons? no this isn't a Bigfoot story, a fish story, this is real. they used this all-wheel-drive 4x4 truck with the silver horse carriage to capture and hogtie Mick Jagger back to England when he got lost alone naked and afraid in the woods...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: as ever the question is: is ANYTHING worth driving down to Salinas for? to Little Caesars for Detroit-style pizza. i've never had Detroit-style before, the square slices with the corner caramelized crust that is NOT Chicago-style. the answer is.........NO, NOTHING is worth going to Salinas to get the thing, even pizza. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2022



me: why do i have to go to high school? why does everyone have to endure the nightmare that is high school? it's not fair. i don't want to go to school anymore. i don't want to go to a private religious high school. institutions are institutions. looking back, if i ever have a kid which is doubtful, i won't make the same mistake, i won't subject him to uniforms, i'll send him to PUBLIC SCHOOL. when i went to Berkeley i was SHOCKED to discover that the boys who went to public high school FREE and had a real co-ed girlfriend and a real prom WERE SMARTER than me!!! school isn't just about books, it's about association. mingle-break during math. thousands of dollars down the drain!!! i know it's in Encino but it's not the same as St. Cyril's of Jerusalem, THIS SHIT IS FUCKING SCARY!!! the boys here have MUSCLES and work out in filthy locker rooms that smell like their penis flaps and the skin under their penises. this is foreign to me, i've never lifted a dumbbell in my life. the closest i've come to wearing a jock strap is when i had to pee in one because i drank from a jock-strap-shaped water fountain. 

i am so PETRIFIED i call Lucio Rossi, my best friend in the entire universe from nostalgic grade-school St. Cyril's, on the green-tea curly-cord phone:
me: Lucio, this shit sucks. why does it have to be like this? why must we move on? we were kickin' it and having a gay old time in 8th Grade!!! do you know Crespi?
Lucio: not really. i heard Crespi High has a lot of Catholic gangs and men masquerading as priests to get close to high-school boys like all girls want to do. and a lot of pills, TONS OF PILLS everywhere. i dunno, i'm going to Notre Dame where i'll develop normally cos it's co-ed. i'll have a girlfriend and a prom and tho i will have to take home-ec and metal-shop, i'll graduate with honors. you'll end up a misaligned spazz.
me: tell me about it, no natural for me, nothing natural about me. no first girlfriend for me. why does it have to be this way? why must we be separated? you were supposed to be the best man at my wedding, now i don't know if i'll even GET married!!!
Lucio: chin up, like my Italian chin, you can call me anytime, we'll keep in touch through the barrage of meltdowns and milestones and painful life skills these next four years will teach us. maybe it won't be that bad, i heard they got cool lockers. hang with the Bartolomeo Twins but avoid Naraja. i heard the bald uncle of Screech from Saved by the Bell teaches Spanish at Crespi!!! that's something, right? 

Lucio: remember this above all: why go to high school? to get high.

but i never contacted Lucio again. i was too embarrassed. i was too down. i never summoned the hand-strength energy to pick up a phone receiver ever again. we just sorta.........drifted.

Lane Smith at the student newspaper printing press: Garden & Gun? what kinda cockamamie title for a Southern magazine is THAT?!!! why put THOSE TWO THINGS TOGETHER, it's asinine!!!
Harlan Ellison: ...
Virgin Mary statue: ...

Codrus at the entrance to the high school: to enter you have to insert a caramel candy cube into your anus. this is what happens when you have all boys in one place for four years.........nah just kiddin', the caramel is the color of the robes of the monks who teach here, right? or the warm apples Joe Pera is forced to eat now to pay the bills cos his show got canceled.
Joe Pera in a red plaid coat: i'm a professional eater now. i can eat one apple a day. that's healthy.

cancer commercial: see? you don't see the couple as a white man and a black woman, all you see is a short woman and a tall man...

Laertus in the student parking lot: more students than rodents. at least for now. i have a Volvo Inscription, it's perfect cos i'm a writer, too bad i can't drive it cos i recently acquired car nerves. so it's my mom's replacement car...
Laertus's mom: you've never been a conscript in your life!!! you run away when causes come to your door. you'd NEVER join the army!!!

Tatiana and Mardith are shopping at Gelson's across the street from the school with a little tiny cute black shopping cart.
Tatiana: the boys at Crespi suck, right?
Mardith: yep.
Tatiana: okay nevermind. anyway why are we here?
Mardith: to get that Yogi Tea. what a time to be alive!!! drugs are over the counter now, you can get drugs delivered to your cul-de-sac in the dead of night from the Walmart website!!!

i'm in the stands of the first Homecoming football game with Avo Babian in the high way-up rafters above the Baywatch tower. 
me: i hate football. i hate homecoming. i hate being here.
Avo Babian: i know, it sucks. but we can go through the suck times of high school together. we have to or both of us won't survive. it's gonna be a LONG four years...  
me: Lucio, Avo, this is not lost on me.
Avo: what?
me: nothing. you were saying?
Avo: well basketball IS pretty cool. i'm kinda good at it. i envy those college basketball players, around Thanksgiving they're not forced to eat meat with weird distant relatives, they get an all-expenses-paid trip to fucking Hawaii and play ball at the Maui Invitational!!! it's so cool over there the time zones are so mixed up you have no idea what time it is over there in Hawaii, you're just living in this eternal timeless paradise!!! 
me: the only fan i will be waving is the soundwave-symbol on my stupid HP laptop that indicates my Wi-Fi hot spot isn't already dead.
Mexican soccer team at the World Cup: we started the wave in the stands, the audience wave.
Avo: get an Ethernet cable, dude, a yellow one. i know a guy. a guy named Ethan. plug it into Monsignor Navin's ear.

in the Crespi den. there's one box computer with a ridged AOL modem in this den library.
Shia LaBeouf: you run this school?
Monsignor Navin: yeah, i run the gangs. but i'm taking a break to watch old cartoons. i need to relax, let's do this.
Shia: right. how about that last Oedo 808?
Navin: one episode for each of the three characters, nice. i felt sorry for that poor vampire girl, she just wanted to die after 1000 years. and why does everyone want to be Immortal? it's better to be immoral, have fun with your life. don't they know that Immortality is just another form of Hell? who the hell wants to live forever?!!! especially on doomed Planet Earth!!! death is a release, a rapture, a necessary ingredient, a way to finally let go, getting rid of all that psychic plaque buildup in your troubled mind.
Shia: easy for you to say, you know where you're going when you die, i'm a wreck, i don't believe in anything. 
Navin: everyone wants to die, everyone wants to die to get out of the situation they're in. that poor robot didn't know what fuck off meant cos he was a robot incapable of love, that was HILARIOUS.........and i mean quite sad too, like i don't know if that robot could be baptized or anything to get into Heaven when it died. do robots experience love after death? 
Shia: okay how about the other two A.D. Police Files episodes?
Navin: i watched them whilst chewing bubblegum. 
Shia: where's Leon? the early years, Leon as a boy. not the creep with Natalie Portman, i was in a movie with Natalie Portman...
Navin: "The Man Who Bites His Tongue", that's a FANTASTIC TITLE, it's better than any James Bond title. this episode is what RoboCop would have been if Hollywood had the balls to go all the way with its sci-fi, really GO FOR IT in all its gruesome detail and accuracy and thrust, have the STEEL BALLS for it. poor Billy Fanword, imagine that you're a complete robot with moving parts and the ONLY part of you that is human is your TONGUE!!! so in order to die you have to get shot in the fucking tongue!!! i mean, shit. next time i see a tongue stretch out before my fingers gripping a Communion wafer, imma shriek like a church mouse.
Martin Lawrence: Gina saves the day again...
Shia: do you have a grower or a shower? tongue i mean. when my tongue gets shot it bleeds.
Navin: the first episode, i mean it's like how do we prevent this from happening again?
Shia: you gotta make the Voomers less hot, don't make them beautiful blonde tall slender woman prostitutes and waitresses, make them look more like RoboCop so no one will get sexually excited.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: fuck you man, The Major is hot for a reason!!! it helps with her police work!!!

cruise-line commercial: yeah we had to trick the viewer and it turns out the two eye-flirting singles were really a long-married couple in the end trying to rekindle their honeymoon days because of course you can't actually meet someone on a cruise anymore...

Nickelodeon logo: no, it's an orange foot like The Foot the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' enemy, not Monty Python!!!

the crones are in the library upstairs took the spiral stairs to the second floor putting blue and red dots on the spines of all the books, covering them in turkey tinfoil cos they're all out of plastic wrap.
Gladyce: yeah i guess i'm the one who looks like a grandma, Gladyce sounds like Grandma.
Doryce: don't worry your tight wrinkled skin, dear, i mean Doryce is basically Doris...

you and me: you had me...

you and me: you age me...

RuPaul: Goku? Gohan? i don't know those fools. i am a House Mother in Ball Culture...

Editor Lane Smith: who's my new bright-eyed bushy-tailed eager cub reporter?
Vivziepop: i'm Vivziepop, i'm taking over the comics section of this newspaper...

panic station: the last stop on the train.

Victoria Milan on the bus: hi, i'm Victoria Milan. i'm on the schoolbus, this is inner-city L.A. after all. i'm Ms. Scarlet from Clue, i'm really Carmen Sandiego. i do this Victoria Milan thing on the side for some extra cash, no judgment, no moral judgment, just to make some side dime, cos i'm a side dime, some secret side money...

Judd Nelson on the football field: i was the one white guy in every black movie in the '90s...

Fallbrook, CA: where Vault Boy lives, fall back.

Madame Pons: the dermstore is not for skin, it's for your term paper, better do it or you'll have bad skin from nervous itching.

third eye contact in the filthy bathroom: the etheric body's umbilical silver cord, E.T....

Tanigami orange sports car: this is too rad to drive, even Takahashi is coming down with the driving nerves.

indica under the bleachers: indicates good pot, a good cockroach who won't get stomped on. 

the podcast crew are Juniors but still have to wait for their parents to pick them up so they do the podcast outside:
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Laertus: Dirg, come on man, don't you feel a LITTLE BIT GUILTY for how you talked about the Green Power Ranger last week?
Dirg: i mean.........okay yeah i do, there are pangs in me, even I AM SORRY about that. R.I.P. Tommy Oliver Jason David Frank. a good Christian man. this is the only time i'll ever say this: Rest In Power, Rest In Power Rangers.

Eye: Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm and go.
Dave Willis: i wanted to call it The Movie That Was Never Made.
me: like my high-school years.

me: okay this was WEIRD for me, Frylock assumes another identity and calls himself Phoenix. everyone makes fun of Phoenix, so for the entire movie i thought the movie was TALKING BACK to me, making fun of me directly through the screen, everytime i heard the name Phoenix, i heard MY name. it was like the writers had come upon MY profile on the internet and used MY life story to skewer for this movie. i'm shaking just thinking about it.

Laertus's dad: same. i feel the same way you do, me, i feel the same feels and fear the same fears.  

MC McPeepants: the end song, right? the closing song's got BEATS, it made me bob my head. now it's not as good as that iconic opening song,'s different.

the Mooninites: WE RUINED THIS MOVIE. sorry but we did. we just did. WAY TOO MANY interruptions from us.

Dirg: i want to drive Carl's WICKED broken-down sports car so bad cos it's wicked but I too am developing car nerves...

Carl: speaking of Carl, i'm NICE in this movie. i drive a Ferrari or Lambo. i have a bottle of splurty lotion on my nightstand. i've always loved Meatwad and Frylock whom i call Fryman not Fried Bankman, it's only Shake i despise but everyone despises Master Shake.
Shake: you're just jealous cos i have the best voice in the cast.
Carl: i mean they really showed it, you know? they animated me jacking my penis off, you see my penis under my blue New York Football Giants blanket at night when i'm in my bed going up and down in a very realistic hand motion, that was fascinating animation to watch.

Dave Willis: you like the crystal-clear superbly sharp animation in this? it looks weird, right? what was more interesting than this movie was HOW this movie got made. the fact that for many years it NEVER got made, it was a permanent rumor on the messageboards. but then Adult Swim got rid of their Messageboards so we had to make the movie. i got filthy T-shirts more expensive than this movie. i sell DVD physical copies of this movie out of the back of my car because i have to keep my car parked here cos i have to get to the opera, i sing at the Carmel Bach Festival.

Shawn Kemp: look at my old-man face, it's still younger than LeBron's face...
Kurt Cobain: remember when Seattle had basketball? real basketball in Seattle, it was exciting, it was thrilling, it was suburban and substantial, it made me want to live.

Frylock: i had the cure for cancer on that computer, dumb Shake!!!
Shake: don't blame me, your computer is an HP laptop with those day-long updates which after you install them read that you haven't installed them yet and it asks for a time to install them for one whole day cos your device is out-of-date...

Meatwad at the animal shelter: please, girly, please let me sleep here. i won't sleep with you, imma  gentleman, a gentleman meat. but you are cute, you got some nice big breasts under that green shirt.
animal-shelter girl: my tits are the same size as YOU. except i got two meatballs.

Neil: i treat my workers shabbily cos i'm overcompensating for being short. but this ponytail is a different story, ponytails on men are cool. did you know cavemen used to wear ponytails? that explains a lot about the evolution of men. the cavewomen had bald heads because they were not allowed to wear their hair long...

Neil: everything in life ends up being a commentary on slavery...

Neil: dolly. like the computer camera, not the llama. 
Dalai Lama: i need to take Twitter back and become its CEO...

Elmer: we could glue longer legs on Neil...
Frylock: DNA gene splicing is better, what could go wrong?

Frylock: this needs to be stated: i am weird. like i look like i'm this giant red french-fry holder but i'm really RoboCop underneath, i'm a carboard box but i'm all metallic and steel-android on the inside, and i got a freaky blue crystal in the back that powers me from the sun. plus my freaky tingling adult steel braces. i dunno, i should have had a french-fry vending machine in my back instead.

Frylock: thanks for the new metal shell. my reconvalescence...
Neil: your what? i went to community college, dropped out as a Junior. 
Frylock: bro DO NOT SHOOT THE ALBINO WHITE WINTER SIBERIAN TIGER. that's it. thank you, just cut out that scene.
Greykid: thank you, Frylock

Neil: what? the Amazin packaging are boxes of seed, seed is natural, right? seed is normal. 
E.T.: you should have had the plants acquire human intelligence to be more like me, created with EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, not more Little Shop of Horrors plants which are useless garbage disposals. my real name is Seymour Butts.

Used Babywipe Mountain: this is what happens when there's no tree line anymore. take stock of this, Amazin. and Amazon.........Rain Forest.

Llama Dolly: hello my dahlin hello my dolly hello my ragtime gal. push me into the Moon into the Sun so we block the sunlight for the plant humans. and while you're at it push the Moon into the Sun before Elon Musk can strip the Moon of resources.

Frylock, Shake, Meatwad: we're food? oh yeah we're fast food, midway through our show's many seasons the writers kinda forgot about the food aspect and just made us regular characters. great, more vampires, all stories end up vampire stories...

Markula: i'm a cooler vampire than Edward Snowden i mean Edward that white boy vampire bishonen. mmm, quite the tasty snack that Edward. i'm culling Cullen. my voice is urban and cool, i'm the Billy Dee Williams of vampires.

Laertus: i know, right? i really wanted to see those scenes they gloss over, the Rambo montage, the fight scenes, the talks on the balcony...
Meatwad: the sex with the animal lady...
overhead projector: g'night folks. hey the velcro of your purple Trapper Keeper is stuck to the rug...

at the Crespi nurse's office Gladyce is being carried over the threshold by Doryce who in turn is being carried over the threshold trellis by Mardith. 
Mardith: *plopping them down* there you go two old bints on the table.
Tatiana: hi i'm the nurse here instead. roll over and let me gaze a gander at your bottoms. for warts and all. this is a massage table.
crones: but we're witches, dear.
Tatiana: nevermind. this is the largest concentration of women in one room at this school EVER. what seems to be the trouble?
Gladyce: the problem is me. my feet hurt and itch and are rashy at the top ridge of the foot. and red ridges at the side of my feet. i've started cutting holes in the toes of my socks to walk on but i can't walk ON.
Tatiana: i've got the solution!!! no solution necessary!!! no medicated solution liquid. slouch socks!!!
Gladyce clasping and hugging her arms like Olive Oyl: oh dear Tat wonderful!!!
Tatiana: yeah, you'll be rocking socks like Kagome back in the day in no time!!! the '80s or '90s, right? but here's the kicker, do it like the World Cup players, cut two holes in the back of your socks with scissors so you won't get an ankle injury if you fall on it.
Doryce: play with scissors, dear!!!
Tatiana: a broken ankle is serious, a broken calf muscle just needs a massage. and join me in the bath in the backroom here next door. i need for ALL the students to take a bath in the morning here before school. hygiene is more important than ever nowadays, hygiene is more important than heuristic mathematics. i was gonna suggest a shower but a giant sucked-on slobbered-over Thanksgiving turkey-leg bone got caught in the drainage hole... 
Navin: sorry, that was me, i eat meat enthusiastically. and then my brain goes unconscious when it's time for the bone. my tongue extends and sticks out of my mouth wagging all round as my eyes are closed.  


Monday, November 21, 2022



1. compared to 5 years ago do you care more or less what people think of you?

more or less. i mean, well now wait let me think, you'd think less, right? i mean you grow and mature and you aren't a kid anymore trying to steal a GIANT wedge of chocolate cake and frosting under your gym shorts to get into that arcade party in Reseda. you start to get set in your ways, when you reach the magic age of 21 THEN ONLY THEN are you an old man and you go, "FUCK IT, FUCK THE WORLD, i don't give a DAMN what other people think of me, imma gonna do ME from now on!!!"

and then from Age 21 to Age 80 you stay pretty much this way unless you need a reverse mortgage from Reverse Man Dan then you gotta make concessions for his Golden Retriever to stay at your house in your room while you sleep in the cold in the treehouse with only a silver water bowl and some kibble. and then when you reach the ripe old Age 100 you, like Abe Simpson before you, just hope to FINALLY meet that special lady...

2. what is the last self-help book, article, or blog post you read? did it help you?

Tony Robbins's book "I'm Right Despite My Big Head, My Actual Physically Large Head" and Deepak Chopra's book "Warmed-Over Hinduism For Celebrities", two masterpieces 

i read this recently which helped: friendship is one mind in two bodies.

3. tell us three people you MUST HAVE in your life:

Jennifer Pizarro
Mrs. Little
Jason David Frank

4. does tech interfere with your personal relationships? of course yes, TECH HAS RUINED EVERYTHING. relationships were never meant to be like THIS, a good relationship starts with you writing a letter to that special someone that takes one year to get delivered. that way you really have to think about how you're gonna respond. cos you have to write it LONGHAND, not text it. ON POSTCARDS!!! write your deepest darkest secrets ON POSTCARDS and send them out to your beloved!!! like Ben Franklin used to do back in the day when he was macking in Philly. 

5 when you want your partner or friend's undivided attention, how do you communicate that? by making them do the times tables.

BONUS: what is your view on love? it exists, but it's impossible to find on a dating app. self-love can only carry you so far, it lasts maybe a day or two. if you want to find your one true love, if you want what Shaggy and Scooby-Doo have, you have to sign up for CBS's The Amazing Race. see? see what i mean? after you travel with someone around the world, it doesn't matter who that person is, THAT PERSON is The One.  


Friday, November 18, 2022




* the crones travel to Palm Springs.
Doryce: WE are the snowbirds here not the real actual snowbirds. let's go on the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway, it looks high. and fun.
Gladyce: okay dear. WHOA this is HIGH! but not as high as our brooms.
Doryce: fasten your seatbelts, this tram's gonna be a BUMPY RIDE. at night. i love Bette Davis, she taught me how to be a witch. it's still not as bumpy as my sex. all i'm seeing are large cakes of cocaine.
Gladyce: those are the mountains dusted with snow, dear. you gotta look OUT MORE to see the daily sunrises at night forked by the ski slopes. 
heat: Palm Springs is the winter.

* Super Silver in Santa Cruz: the LUSH of silver jewelry. we got silver ankh pendants, silver crescent-moon rings, and silver candelabra earrings. it's not tin toy jewelry, it just needs a little polish-varnish to ungarish.

* Doryce: i'm at top of The Rock.........not the place in New York City...

* Boc: my first step in my walk i shake my nipples around and around, i clamp them with my pincer fingers and move them up and down mash them up and down with my thumbs like they were caught in staple-removers, gets the circulation flowing. OH LOOK WOW a guy actually came up and said good morning to me, that was surprising, never underestimate smokers. but overall this city sucks. those hoodlums hanging around Bagel Bakey are DEFINITELY Crespi High seniors. i can't live here if i can't get a box of pens here.

* Sam Bankman-Fried: i was KFC's banker instead of Popeyes's...

* apple Charlotte: it's good...

Avatar: The Way of Water trailer: did you just see a Terminator go by there in Pandora?...

* Boc: Sense Memory: it's like i'm a car in the mornings, a car on the road competing with all the other cold cars and terrible tantrum trucks for street space, for turf, for territory.........except i'm not a car driving, i'm a man walking, a lowly man walking. the umbrellas at the From Scratch restaurant look like angels. when does the windmill wheel start rotating, who pushes the button that activates the wind coming down from the sky? i'm really not wearing the right shoes for this, don't walk in den slippers. at least get some chancletas. but really the correct footwear for walking is tennis shoes if you can. basketball shoes if you fancy. OMG OH LOOK BUT DON'T MAKE A SOUND, i am RIGHT UP AGAINST a crow, the black crow is an inch from my face perched on a post. i can see a gooey tear glistening about to fall from the crow's eye, that is a sign...

* Skip Bayless: i'm looking rough recently, i had a stroke or something, right? lately my barbs are starting to mutter, i got low energy. i gave up having a family for MONEY. it's not my chest, i got a deceptive Ned Flanders muscle-chest i keep hidden under my tailored Tom Brady business shirts.
Tiger Woods: hang in there, Skip, it's a stroke, a golf stroke.
LeBron: get well soon, Skip.

* secret swinger: a swing on a playground that is cheap at Toys R' Us now at Macy's

* Jack Smith: i'm handsome.
Robert Mueller: what am i, chopped liver?
Jack Smith: i look like one of those G-Men from the '40s, i got the Untouchables crewcut.
Mueller: smile more, Jack, be smilin'...

* at the Wendy's parking lot, Pete Davidson and Tom Brady are holding hands walking slowly through the drive-thru without a car...

* Tongolele: hi, i'm Yolanda Montes, if you SQUINT at a picture of me and my prime backup-dancer/husband, you see Lily and Herman Munster...

* The Specials: our song "A Message To You Rudy," think about it, Rudy stands for rude boy. may ska come back. these things are cyclical, ska will be popular again in 2060 when the UN declares that it's too late to save the Earth. get ready for climate change with your deep-rimmed ska black hat and chain...for your wallet and snow tires. keep those vests you wore in college handy, there will be no more investments cos there will be no more banks. keep those spit-shined black shoes, nobody will want to manufacture chancletas anymore.........and you'll need something to set foot on Mars with.
Rudy Giuliani: the message of "A Message To You Rudy" is i need to get my act together...

* Qatari beer tastes like wine...

* Yeti: because of Amazon, i was able to get a BLOWER!!! a hair blower!!! with my blowdryer they'll let me into fancy parties. this latest shindig at a ballroom in Canoga has a glow-in-the-dark champagne fountain. it's all empty in here cos it was reserved for Amazon employees only. they offered me shrimp but i don't eat shrimp cos i have to LIVE with shrimp, i have to SWIM with shrimp.

* Cecily Strong: let's get this over with, i'm not into Christmas, not feeling Christmas this year.
Scrooge: you didn't know i was Paul Giamatti, you had to look it up. i'm SICK of Judd Apatow, he's a nice man but i CANNOT drink any more wine on set. from now on i only act characters IN UNRECOGNIZABLE MAKEUP AND 19TH-CENTURY COSTUME.

* Craig Robinson: i'm not wearing a pimp suit, i'm wearing a Pizza Hut red-and-white-checkered tablecloth as my jogging suit.

* Amazon Joy Is Made
father: daughter with the tomboy hair, listen to me, there is only ONE item you NEED in life to get by: a paper-shredder.
daughter: why, daddy?
father: you'll see when the time comes.
daughter: i just want to make snowflakes.
father: please don't talk like that, it was bad enough i didn't have a son.

* Rakuten
Santa: this commercial looks suspiciously like that World Cup commercial with Jon Hamm. i don't trust NOBODY. what's the backstory on Santa Claus? why hasn't there ever been a movie about Santa Claus as a boy, Santa Claus as a teenager in dungarees in the woods chopping wood and taking Little Red Riding Hood to prom. you know, like they did with Willy Wonka as a youth teen who stole cars to pay for his "candy" habit which was just cocaine.

* FitBit Unsearchable
FitBit: the world is fucked so now we have watches that map the entire world so you can know what the best hiding places are. watches that measure your menstrual blood so you know not to tell anyone you're pregnant, especially your parents. with these watches we're trying to keep A Handmaid's Tale a book that gets forgotten when the files are deleted from Google Library...

* Meta Quest 2
boy on bed: when i become a man i want to be the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys.
Dak Prescott: take it, i hate Texas, you can take this job and shove it.
Tony Romo: my NFL career helped pay my way through college so i could live out my dream of becoming an artist, a Subway sandwich artist.

* Capital One Multiple Taylor Swifts: that commercial you never see the full version of cos you're watching '80s anime on dailymotion...

* George Kittle: my shirt is not Cobra from G.I. Joe...

happy World Cup weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Two Words: Peppermint Frosty
meet me over by the Wendy's on Vine at around high noon, i'll be the one who smells like vinegar under the silver table in the backroom next to the grease fryer.........and please pay for all my food.