Friday, August 30, 2019



* the doctors say in order for me to stay in the locked insane asylum i gotta do some form of exercise. either Noom or Fitbit. i told him i choose the one where you do those mind puzzles but they said i have to exercise my heart so i wrote a letter to an old college flame who broke my heart and we made up. while wearing a unitard. i told them i thought staying at a funny farm would be cool like in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, i asked them where Jack is, where The Indian is. they told me Jack Nicholson hasn't worked in ages...

* COLLEGE FLASHBACKS!!! i can't take it! whenever i see those subway slots i think of Berkeley. course in my day we didn't have highfalutin gadgetry that you put your watch screen to the slot and that takes the place of the ticket you had in your smelly leather wallet. i cherished that ticket, cos i could never afford concert tickets to SP when they still had D'arcy with the apostrophe. some leaped the entire process and just jumped over the slot, they were the ones who became Olympic parkourists and trapeze artists who could kiss a woman on the downward swing or cops. BART was my best friend, even though he was a cowboy. there were always cavity searches, but in my day they were done for fun in the street...

* Cenk from Young Turks. he's still pissed his MSNBC show didn't work out. remember that period in MSNBC lore when they were trying out new hosts? like 40 different hosts? they even tried out that Martin guy who exposed Michael Jackson---if you know what i mean. i always liked that guy, loved his accent, i learned the phrase "drugs cheat" from him. he drove crosscountry just to break into Neverland with his new evidence. but then he went crazy over some pizza thing and MSNBC canned him.

* guy on date: you know we're all gonna have to eat a plant-based diet soon or the Earth will explode. it's simply unsustainable to keep breeding cattle for meat.
woman on date: is that a crack at my bald head? you think it looks like a head of lettuce?

* woman exercising: why am i sweating? i thought this was virtual!
instructor: COBRA KAI!!!

* group of runners: it's dangerous for women to run at night...unless you're in a group of kickass women Marines who've killed many enemy soldiers in war on the frontlines.

* exerciser: is this yoga? why are my pants so tight?
fellow exercise biker: cos you're sweating too much. you gotta breathe. and you gotta let your pants breathe.
male yoga-er: i'm not wearing any pants. cos i'm smarter than the average bear.

* dude with full beard in bed: what time is it? where are we? it feels like i've slept for 100 years.
wife in bed: you weren't supposed to wake up till Movember.
dude: what's that crying?
wife: that's your soul. and the baby, get up and feed her.
dude: we have a baby? last thing i remember the Dodgers won the World Series…

* dog: i pant. humans should pant, too.
male yoga-er: i pant...
dog: that's pants!

* restauranteur: does that thing predict if we're going on a second date?
Joey Greco: you don't want to know...


happy weekend, my babies.

everyone stay safe out there. i'm worried about the ancient kingdom of Atlantis...

TOMORROW: so after the whole stargazy pie this week, i decided i'll skirt the stargazing at least for one week to recover, instead i'll have a Triple Double Crunchwrap from Taco Bell instead of looking up at the stars. i really just do this for the box. you know what Oscar Wilde would say right now...

why doesn't Taco Bell serve fish tacos?

Wednesday, August 28, 2019


Marianne Williamson tiptoes on the stones of her palatial estate staircase one by one like a pro in her heels. she looks out at all the people at her beck and call eyes and mouths open waiting for her next word of inspiration, tongue thought, with baited breath and eardrums. attentive as fuck, there is silence. even though they are all at a desert.

Marianne raises her arms.

Marianne: now i know how Madonna felt. i mean Evita. oh hello, Neale.

Neale Donald Walsch tiptoes with heavy boots in black cowboy garb even though it's the desert and kisses Marianne on the tongue. Marianne responds with a heavy hug. Russell Brand looks on angrily with a scowl...or is that just how all British people look in their resting best face?

Marianne: 8 kids, right?

Neale: i'm afraid so. i had a lot of distractions during my journey. they call me The Donald.

Marianne: okay then, i won't hug you so tight.

Neale: i was right about Bump. i'm playing him in the movie. if President Bump DID do the infrastructure everyone wanted of him, those drills would have continued and i wouldn't have been able to hear that '90s payphone call which got me out of base poverty and into my radio DJ job! and my heartbreak to this day! back in my day, Amazon still sold books. and sold MY book. now they've like taken over the old Golden Age Hollywood Studio System for some goddamn reason. well looks like the party's all here! why is it that all deserts MUST have motorcycle gangs? we got that one pink chick who insists on having pink hair. Gandhi wannabe by the reflecting pool. and Pablo from the Star Wars freaks.

Marianne: HELLO LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! you know, whenever you see an infinity pool in a stone backyard, you're either at Stonehenge, Los Angeles, or at a Colorado Springs massive spiritual ritual retreat!

the audience laughs like a motherfucker.

Marianne: OKAY bye bye, i'm going in now.

Llywarch blocks the door with his hoof.

Llywarch: whenever you see on Instagram a hot babe roaming Joshua Tree desert, you KNOW that woman is an unbroke actress.

Marianne: unbroke actress?

Llywarch: an actress who has yet to experience her first big break.

Marianne: okay i was thinking something else. fuck me, are you a...…...goat man? i need to meditate harder.

Llywarch whinnies.

Eye Luggage: okay, ma'am, the McDonald's commercial.

Marianne: I'M LOVIN' IT!!!

Dirg: no way, man, NO WAY. are you kidding me? can you imagine if that were a young woman student and an old-fart professor? the elites don't want to see the common man win.

Marianne: should have been two women, but i'll take their two men. ah, takes me back to my college days...which were just right now when i met Russell Brand. it's a mystery how we met, people are still trying to figure out the power dynamic.

Laertus: i'm just trying to see this commercial in the frame of our Obec College. this would never happen here, our Professors are too surly. the struggling student goes to office hours with the prof, just the two of them all alone in his big expansive office that's almost an outdoor stage with the huge-ass open windy windows. all wooden and stature and grand of course, smelling of erudition. the boy trips over his bike chain and to break the ice offers his teach a nice hot brown bag of egg mcmuffin and fountain orange juice with ice. the juice with foam in the morning.

Eye: that is so heavenly. that's a bold student! i don't think i'd have the balls to buy my professor food like that, it's too trying to buy the Grade A, right? wouldn't the teacher be smart enough for that? or do you need glasses to see through?

Marianne: i'm thinking the reverse. cowgirl. like the professor inviting the struggling student over for office hours and he buys the young man the coffee and burger and vape smokes. plies him with fries. softens him up. his mind that is so he can learn gooder.

Dirg: you can't learn how to write a paper. it's not like math problems.

Marianne: as President i want the world to be this soft and unsuspicious. mentor and student, eating a meal together, learning together, harmonious learning from each other, it's like me and Russell Brand.

Eye: people wonder: did you do his radio show as a favor, or was it the other way around?

Marianne: this was back when we were both considering a Presidential run. we had actually met earlier...but we both forgot...cos the sex was that good. we met the day before. we met for office hours in a wooden open-air office that was way too big for two people. despite no drapes drawn the stupid students were too busy faces buried in their phones to notice anything happening in the office as they strolled past. Russell and i, it was love at first sight, not in a saying way, we both REALLY believe in such things! like actual kinetic psychic energy between our third eyes blinking in unison! Russell threw me on the desk and fucked my ass so hard i couldn't meditate in my usual yogic yonic position for weeks, i had to do it upside-down. don't worry, i only fucked the G.O.A.T.---Russell---not any goats, i'm not a Satanist, okay? i rode Russell's long hair so hard he went bald, his head hair dropped into his monk beard. i sucked his penis so hard it came out of his butt, which is the final Vedic transformation from man to god. you see those statues strewn everywhere, right? like in hotel lobbies. with the extra hands? he cummed so hard on my glistening nude body from the golden-hour university clocktower sun angle it shot off like a kind of spilled white-out liquid-paper fluid which completely covered the entire stack of midterm essay papers, so hard it loosened softened the staples on all the pages. that was when we realized we were soul mates---and that we had no idea who had which grade anymore.

Eye: so...who was the guru and who was the student?

Marianne: we forgot, we had crossed the threshold of ecstasy, gorged on guruness, forgotten our past selves, our previous roles in a society we no longer recognized. suffice to say Russ and i were joined in universal celestial union, our third eyes were one eye, our penises and vaginas were flower flutes. his long scruffy monk beard was my vag hair. we fucked up high in the sky. and had Holiday McDonald's Pie afterwards, served all year! later Russell got into some kinky stuff. he smushed a rare McDonald's mudpie in my face and said, "here's mud in your third eye." he poked my eyes with fries. he covered my entire naked body with 1000 ketchup packets' worth of ketchup all spread to every one of my limbs, he was doing this blood-bond thing cept the blood was just ketchup...

Russell: ...let's not talk about those things, dear, everyone has their own unique journey they must travel alone. i'm not lonely, let me see your phone, so you can never have this phone again, you need to get spiritual. MORE spiritual. wait, you have more followers than me? now i feel as small as The Atom.

Eye: wow. that's when you know you've got something special with someone, when you forget.

at the G7 Batman James Bond white roundtable, President Bump calmly places a call to Puerto Rico:

Bump: that Red Table was annoying anyway. lady, look, nukes or paper towels, your call.


Macron: WHAT!!? NO! CALM DOWN!

Bump: what were you doing with Iran!!? France and Iran were secretly plotting without me and were gonna nuke America!

Macron: no. here, rest your big head on these Trudeau rainbow socks, they make any man calmer. see? like you're riding the NYC subway.

Bump: ahhhh, thank you. where is Trudeau anyway? where is Melania?

Macron; she's, uh, with my wife.

Bump: well then, she's the prettiest one there, prettier than Melania.

Macron: thanks, best friend.

Bump: *on unsecured batphone* you know how to play golf, Vlad?

Putin: if China invented it, then yes.

Eye: okay Fed, your turn. tennis roundup.

Federer: hi, thanks, guys. i'm really depressed. i'm just back from a job.

Laertus: oh yeah, we saw you on tv! you're a great EXTRA correspondent! you were so cute with your microphone covering your mouth.

Federer: uh, thanks, yeah i had a nice sitdown with Damian Steiner. we talked about his destination wedding in the Bahamas and Barbados, his newest knickknacks for Fall, and who we wants to win. the Election.

Dirg: bro, you should have asked Damian about the fact that the system is rigged against you winning!

Federer: i know i know, i had a golden opportunity, but i haven't been feeling myself. where i used to shine and conquer, i now retreat. i keep losing these first sets, the fire in me is gone, i'm just a sack of croaking coal out there on the court, i don't hear the screams anymore. now the screams are in my head.

Genie Bouchard: Rog, i admire you, i really do, i look up to you---not like that---but what were you doing in my room?

Federer: it's not what you think! i wasn't looking for a pick-me-up, a bad-streak-breaker. i just went into your closet to try on all your babydol tennis dresses. to see if they were a good fit for the men. we need an openly gay male tennis player on tour. to distract from my devastating losses. whoever you are, please come to me first! don't worry, i'll pay for the hotel room. look, when i said i was your brother, i meant it in the whole-of-humanity sense, we're all brothers in life.

Genie: Roger, why weren't you at the weeklong US Open festivities a week before the tournament?

Fed: what? that was a thing? why didn't anybody tell me? see these are the parties i don't go to anymore.

Chrissie Evert: Serena and Sharapova, the rivalry continues! the rivalry that never materialized! look on these two giants one last time, folks, it will be the last time! these two twinkling tennis titans have shared everything: the Grand Slam, money, fame, the spotlight, unfair scrutiny, drugs, clothing line, men...

at the Alvord desert, the two crones are silent eyes closed in prayer squatting yogically and yonically on the hot sand.

Fuerza: get up, girls  you've prayed your peace. i'll look after the girl. well, Jill will at HomeCountry, she'll train her up, she is our brightest prospect since you two and Merkel! she'll make a fine witch.

Gladyce: *tearing* she was trying to exceed her limits like any good spell does! one last ale for the void, no more weird Japanese drawing porn, dear.

Doryce: she'll make a killing at camp. yeah, you're right my Liegess, she'll make a fine specimen, she'll be fine in our arms, the only ones who understand her. hell, she was going at it all wrong during her short time in the Living World. she was seeing ghosts when we witches were right in front of her eyes the whole time! she didn't wear cheetah-print, she WAS cheetah-print. you know this place is a very spiritual desert, reminds me of Colorado Springs. i've been having problems cooking my European circle bacon. i use our plates to cook two filets for 4 minutes and the damn thing is so damn hot and i burn my spellcasting fingers! there's gotta be a better way!

Gladyce: use the natural sand in this desert, dear, shape and fire your sand dish here. see? it's nice and cool in the desert...…...also, we really need to get new plates, those stone plates we have leftovered from the wedding/funeral conduct too much heat!

at LUSH Madame Pons checks out Buff City Soap. online.

Sue Su walks in the store dinging the bell. she is smiling for the first time in a long time and wears a silver band around her head counting digital numbers.

they hug and embrace tight.

Pons: so glad to have you out and about on campus again, dear! outside, what a concept! of all my girls you're like a daughter to me. i know, i'm the young cool mom. i'm young but i'm desperate to be a mother. you'll never get over what happened to you, but perhaps you can move on.

Sue: i don't want to talk about it, i have a new venture which will bring me out in the open again. see? got my Instagram channel up. a couple more followers and i'll have enough money to buy a video-game chair! i can start playing video games but i need to go to the gym every day for 8 hours instead of classes so i can build up the phatness of my butt, need to get it nice and big so i can fit into the new chair.

Pons: okay, hon, just be careful, i'll be watching. you know maybe I need to get into the digital game. anyone out there looking for a naturopathic life coach?

Sue: *laughing* u know i followed your pink crystals. they'll bring me love someday i know it, it'll be one of my followers, you'll see. i am using your crystals in a special way...on my body.

Pons: yeah you young folk use Instagram nowadays to find your mate, right? perhaps....nah...

Marianne joins the podcast later in the evening. she takes food in with her inside the studio---which is a big no-no but Eye lets it slide---Marianne takes out a brandy muffin and ladyfinger from her brown bag and begins eating right next to the microphone.

Eye: never knew this was a mukbang but nice. just means more followers. what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh, about how Lily Tomlin was ripe and primed to play the part in 9 to 5 cos she was already adept at answering a telephone.

Eye: Conversations With God, go.

Dirg: have you ever smelled those books at a bookstore? they had the most lovely covers, like they were made of velvet or something.

Eye: i got them for Christmas one year. all three all cute tied in a red-ribbon bundle. on flash-drive.

Laertus: okay THIS film. THIS fucking film. blew my mind! and i'm not talking about the New Age spirituality stuff in it, that's old hat---literally---Neale's jumbled together old ancient shamanism and old-world logbooks and Hindu prereligions and Norse burial rituals to form his new mishmash philosophy, a philosophy which saved my life when i quit college the first time and slept on my stomach in my empty room back home with my parents for nine months conceiving the baby of i didn't like Marilyn Manson anymore, i couldn't like Marilyn Manson anymore if i was gonna have a healthy life.

Eye: we need to talk about that on our first date...

Laertus: no i'm talking about how this movie---which is essentially an infomercial for Neale's branch of book-series divinity---is actually a damn good movie! it really works! it has everything a good move has: pathos, humor, sexual frustration, and a guy in a neck brace walking everywhere!

Dirg: dude, i heard about the neck-brace thing, but when i actually see it, i mean that shit was funny as hell! he should have just worn that neck brace the whole movie even years later...just cos there's something about a dude with a Grizzly Adams beard and a neck brace walking around '90s Portland going on buses bus-hopping and the mountains in the background and that shit is fucking hilarious.

Marianne: sometimes i tell Neale to put the neck brace back on when he's with me...

Dirg: no but seriously, this really is a hero's tale, a Bildungsroman, coming-of-age, Campbellian Hero quest from start to finish, it shows the whole journey from being literally homeless to being an Amazon star---old-skool Amazon---and it's very well done, the script is full of crisp knowing writing. let's start with the love interest, that bitch was hot as hell, unfortunately she's just some Portland Shakespearean local theatre player actor who will never break out, she does Twelfth Night every night in Portland instead of being the Bond Girl to Black James Bond. but man, talk about taboo Iranian spiciness!

Laertus: didn't you really feel it when Neale thought after he achieved a modicum of success, got back on his feet like everyone does, by becoming a disc jockey---right, Rachel Maddow?---and then he finally thinks this babe has got to be his manna-from-heaven reward for pulling himself up by the bootstraps and not being homeless anymore, and of course Rear Window-style he sees the babe kissing on another handsome hunky soap-opera actor man---local---in the parking lot.

Dirg: and he's like, i'm sharing pizza with my homeless buddies instead, i...still like my life...yeah, that's it. what was up with Theo Huxtable as the gang leader of the homelesses at that park? like, bro, he's getting a little too comfortable in his role as park dictator. my man is too comfortable being homeless. aren't they all for social progress?

Laertus: are you talking about the brothas again? your homies? stop it. to his credit, Neale never did drugs or drunk. maybe he should have, at least for the neck pain.

Dirg: and there's always the blonde chick in beads in the trailer park cabin who's the leftover hippie all the homeless want to bang.

Eye: and the Vegas homeless tunnel-dwellers. i clicked on her porn vids so many times.

Dirg: and the bus-station girl. come on, World, Universe, America, let the old man have some fun. he makes an awkward pass at her at the bus station and she tells him, "don't get weird on me, Neale."

Laertus: he should have been like, "you haven't seen weird yet, wait till i come up with my own personal religion." guys, the age-gap thing, and you go straight in on the i-want-to-marry-you cos i'm desperate and don't have much time left and i know you from our seven bus trips cos seven is a spiritual number number. that never works, right?

Eye: pre-book deal? nah.

Dirg: he wanted to have the busstop chick's babies. she thought they were just exchanging jokes for stand-up material, but he was serious. i wish she asked him about his kids.

Laertus: Neale, don't throw the coffee at the empty window, that's no good, that's just a waste of good coffee. save your throw, throw the burger you found in the trash at that arrogant punk white-nationalist waiter.

Dirg: when Neale's doing his show, it was like a Vegas magic act, like i'm watching old '90s X Files.

Laertus: why does there always gotta be one heckler in the crowd? Neale is helpful enough to give away all the secrets, making hard complicated life easy and understandable, and the bald crowd bro in the middle-row doesn't appreciate him? that guy's a crisis actor.

Dirg: why is the voice of God some straight white Protestant man? wouldn't it be more realistic if the voice of God was a Chinese woman?

Laertus: oh god this took me back. to yellowpads. remember yellowpads? everyone wrote on yellowpads, not just lawyers. and the scene at the seaside restaurant with the publisher and the agent, they are squabbling over whether a book is worth 1 million dollars or 100 million dollars. don't they know that soon books will be worth nothing?

Dirg: okay, and here comes the moment of truth, that very awkward scene at the Amazon Borders when the woman whose son has been killed in the drunk car accident confronts Neale and tells him God is bullshit.

Neale: what they didn't show was that i peed my pants during that in real life.

Eye: remember when Borders had that huge airy New Age Spirituality book section? always next to the brown waterfall fountain. all the soccer moms raced to that section when they dropped off the kids at the music section where you could buy a whole bundle of 10 present-day death metal albums for a dollar. sigh, i miss Borders. i miss their carpet. i need my Borders back.

Dirg: so how'd you come up with that answer that the son died early to not cause his mother more pain? you pulled that one out of your ass-penis.

Neale: made that shit up. on the spot as i went along, like Scientology. i mean it came to me. in my pants. thank god it worked. or goddess or whatever. i remember seeing James Redfield on Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher. they never asked me on that show. James tells Bill there are many bibles. James is still pissed off that his billion-seller book was a box-office bomb, he still can't explain it, his New Age can't explain that, no matter which Age circle ring era it is now, the Ninth? *hahahahaha* Celestine made me celibate.

Laertus: weren't you accused of plagiarism?

Neale: no i just forgot.

Laertus: and the final scene. so symbolic. the two Neales, talking to each other, the homeless Neale and the now business-suit-successful-man Neale, successful spiritualist swimming in knockers and pixie dust. the two paths that could have did...merging...shaking hands with each other...walking and talking with each other, learning from one another.

Neale: no actually that was meant to show that there are in fact two of me and i am the clone.

Dirg: admit it, Lowkey Santa, your gonzo bonzo religion is basically the dude who couldn't fuck the babe at the radio station so he invents this thing to make him feel better to lick his wounds. that's what all religions are. and where the hell were all your kids this whole time you were struggling?!! you were always constantly alone with your demons! no help! be straight with us: are you in fact crazy? you hear the voice of God.

Neale: hey i'm but a vessel. a medium, get it? that's my choker size. take it or leave it. i choose to take it. the space vessel that is, Planet Earth will be uninhabitable soon.

Eye: thank you for coming. in. where are you staying at now, Neale?

Neale: i live on the eye of Hurricane Dorian. in a beach bungalow on the entire state of Florida. and the entire Gulf of Mexico. i'm real, i'm not a picture. i feel gray, it's not just my beard. don't worry, i fitted my garage door with a bracing kit.

Marianne: Neale hates it when i force myself into his mind and force him to role-play Kenny Rogers in bed...the sheets are all stained chicken-roasters in the morning...

Laertus: *later in the evening* are you sure about this? why are we buying guns?

Dirg: for the game, numbnuts, they're not real! we need it for the video game. i feel when a great life-changing spiritualist leaves the studio.

Laertus: yeah but i feel uncomfortable buying a Nerf gun now. at Walmart no less. can't even hold it. put it back on the rack!

Dirg: hold your jock instead. hold my jock instead, you can see it.

Laertus: you okay?

Dirg: not really. all the Jack In The Box. you know it seems like a rad concept, but actually eating a fastfood burger EVERY night fucks up your stomach. it's all rumbling inside me down there, the mass ball of fat and grease, i want to vomit it all out but my stomach is conspiring against me to keep it in.

Eye: are you still cutting off your own supply of Mountain Dew? self-enforcement, that's always the addict's cry. and crime.

Dirg: i'm not a cutter, that's weak and lame. it's just not the same playing video games with red Coke Classic. you see the giant green cases of Mountain Dew at Walmart and they're all video-game characters on the covers. you simply have to gamer with Mountain Dew. it's alright, i'll just never wash my hands again.

Laertus: so are we doing this or what. are we dancing? are we Dance Dance-ing?

Dirg: i can't move.

Monday, August 26, 2019


1. any sport, any athlete, who would you want to practice with?

Bill Tilden. he could be the spitfire revolutionary we need now in tennis in 2019, opening up more avenues for openly gay athletes, openly gay male tennis players. it's no big deal for the women---it's even expected in tennis---so why not the men? we've got to get past these hangups we have as a society, people, learn to be more European.

JJ Watt. it'd go down something like this:

me: JJ Watt, you ready to face the person who has dedicated their life to taking you down? ready to meet your rival?

JJ: let's do this!

Caroline Wozniacki steps onto the field.

JJ: come on, that's not fair.

a champion cornholer from ESPN Ocho. i would need him to help me make corn, Garrison Keillor is at my barn door constantly knocking at all ungodly hours asking me to help rehabilitate his local-theatre career.

2. list the top 3 pieces of lingerie you like to see on a woman:

kinbaku: i get so mesmerized by the intricate patterns of the rope dress i forget that it's supposed to be sexy, i just see it as geometric.

babydol tennis dresses, let's bring those back, Genie Bouchard needs to kickstart her career again

Victor's Secret?: he lost the key to the boudoir, that's what started this whole mess

3. do you pick up on subtle hints? what?

4. are you seriously expecting an honest reply to "does this make me look fat"?

yes i am. in my case i'll know you're lying to me instantly cos i'm skinny as a rail. not the best foundation to build a teetering starter relationship on. admittedly this was a tough test, we were both actors and i was wearing a fatsuit at the time for a part…

5. how offended would you be if someone called your eyebrows ugly?

very, especially considering those are my eyes not my eyebrows! my eyes are up here, buster! i slept for 2 seconds last night. literally. i aced my college essay but i picked the wrong building. the test was oral, right? i'm good at oral. in my Genetics class, my prof ordered me to provide proof from my that i was who i said i was. my reply: Maybelline.

BONUS: is there ever a good time to send a dick pic?

Richard Matheson, Richard Milhous Nixon, and Burton, that's it, that's the list.

Richard Burton lived at a time when you could call a man a dick with no consequence. it was a nobler, gentler time.

and Chamberlain, i like my Catholic priests to fuck.


Friday, August 23, 2019


once upon a time, in an ancient magical park called Manhattanhenge, a young woman was sitting down on a bench. her back was killing her---she had just come from her strenuous yoga class performed outside in the sweltering heat for some reason---and just wanted a nice quiet cool spot to relax and unwind and stretch her back out for a few hours. more than anything else, she needed peace and quiet. or the therapy wouldn't stick.

this woman was surprised that nobody else seemed to be at the park.

woman: is it the recession? that old men have given up on chess and just focus now on checkers to lure in their girlfriends 30 years their juniors? nobody goes to the park anymore, the minute you try to fly a box kite it catches on fire in the atmosphere. Noah has stopped building in this heat.

a couple of squirrels approach, then a whole army.



woman: just kidding. peanut butter?

squirrels: no, peanuts, ma'am. wait, you have Peanut Butter Kit Kat? we feel there should have been Peanut Butter Kit Kats by now.

woman: here you go, here are some peanuts. why do you like peanuts so much?

squirrels: we want to go to the Little League World Series.

woman: aw that's cute, you want to run around on that field and distract the Other Team.

squirrels: no, we all want to be professional baseball players, that's why we love peanuts so much.

Squirrel Man bringing a bouquet of grapes accosts the poor woman forcefully and romantically.

Squirrel Man: this is not a romance scam. is that my heart taking a tumble in my chest or is it the stock market?

woman: hold up, do i look like a moose to you? how rude!

Squirrel Man: your face and body are fine, i'm more in it for the personality.

woman: will Chris Hayes finally wear pants tonight?

Squirrel Man: i only care about head.

woman: i get it. this was bound to happen. i have one of those faces that attracts the basement freaks. okay, so which furry convention did you crawl out of? the Seattle one? the first one? the Lisa Ling one?

Squirrel Man: furry? the only thing that gets furry on my body is my perineum when i don't wipe properly.

woman: so you're a racist, you think i'll only go for guys who are brown?

Squirrel Man: the animal kingdom doesn't recognize race. we could learn a lot from them.

woman: where are you taking me on our first date? let's go to Wendy's, motherfucker, spicy nugs are back!

Squirrel Man: you are very cruel to us. when you said nugs we thought you said nuts. we can't eat spicy foods. the last time our race ate spicy nugs we all became flying squirrels.

woman: ...and the Baconator.

Squirrel Man: stop eating meat! you're killing the planet!

woman: happy weekend, baby.

Squirrel Man: happy weekend, baby.

the woman goes to remove the squirrel head. but that's his real head...

Squirrel Man: OUCH!

woman: fuck me, it's like the Santa Claus beard thing. what are you?

Squirrel Man: Squirrel Man.


Wednesday, August 21, 2019


Ghislaine Maxwell lowers her head into her white paper bag as the photogs descend and converge onto her back like flashing vultures.

Emma from Jeopardy: you're a bad woman!

Sinphony and Velvetta give her the Italian freda curse sign with their python-head fingers.

Chris Cuomo: i mean the word is Fredo. it's really not so big a deal. like friendo. or Fredo Rogers.

Sinphony: you will pay a million lifetimes in Hell! believe me i know Hell!

Velvetta: how could you have associated yourself with Codrus like that!?

Ghislaine: *meekly* hey i just partied with the guy. the reports of my ballbusting have been greatly exaggerated. i had no idea. i thought those were hair appointments. okay nail appointments. but not that kind of nails. have you tried the hot cocoa here? it's wonderful.

Vanity Fair blonde in a British/Australian accent: when we come to In N Out Burger, we expect coffee! and tawk! and spilling of guts! not onto the burger! that's not the secret wild-style Californian salad-pink sauce!

President Bump: i am The Son of Codrus, why don't you ask him yourself.

Emma: Ghislaine, such a lilting gaelic magical-fairy name! for such an old ogre-tree of a witch! an evil witch! one who belongs in gaol! it's one thing to be a pimp, but to be a pimpess?! for shame!

Ghislaine: okay get this girl a Maxwell coffee, something's wrong with her throat. i mean seriously, what is UP with your voice? it's the strangest voice i've ever heard in any living being of existence, including flowers. it's like a medical condition but you claim you're normal. it's like those girls who baby-voice to get laid and then forget how to speak normally again. it's like you swallowed battery acid. it's like your tongue is trolling you. your voice is slightly demonic in a sweet way. what i'm saying is YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL TREE SPRITE.

Emma: what i'm saying, madam, is I SHOULD HAVE THE NAME GHISLAINE!!! I EARNED IT!!! yes, hello, one Sprite, please.

at Obec College University, the Professor grows impatient with Dirg's raised hand:

Professor: go ahead, you mongrel.

Dirg: see that In N Out picture? that's deepfake.

at the Cave, President Bump is building a coalition:

Putin: where is this cave located again?

Bump: Greenland. which should be called Denmarkland. it's nice and cool in this cave, right? away from the heat. you know what is the leading factor of young white boys going crazy? the stifling heat of summer. people go crazy in the heat. it's not thinking ideas, it's the sun giving us too many video games and the sun is mental health. imma install a jacuzzi on the Cream House front lawn with just cold air-bubble jets. and a pelican. penguin. standee.

Putin: and there's nothing to do in summer vacation, boys get in a lot of trouble. and your best friend gets shipped off to a labor camp which messes you up for life.

Llywarch: what the fuck Putin. what was with that lawyerly Instagram notification?

Putin: hey that wasn't me. Instagram owns all the photos from everyone in the world, we use them purely for research not invasion, for our imminent invasion. all the countries. as the smart people liberal-elite college-prep college people know that was just an Instagram hoax we put out there to have some fun, to break the Greenland ice.

Bump: it's an old canard.

Putin smiles deceptively deviously.

Putin: the real that it's not a hoax...

Linzess woman: are you crazy cos the Denmark woman who turned down your indecent-proposal proposition is a woman? cos she's a woman.

Bump: no it has nothing to do with that, not at all. what do you take me for? a man? my only concern is that she's not a golfer, you know? me and Tiger, we're different, only certain people can understand us. it takes a golfer to know a golfer. Greenland is full of golf greens. and it's the perfect crucial pivotal place spot to launch my Green New Deal.

Putin: you know Greenland is mostly ice, right? it's fertile ground to grow maraschino cherries. and for cutting black holes with saws.

Bump: that was my favorite cartoon.

Linzess woman: you know Greenland isn't as big as it looks like on globes, right? it's more the size of New Jersey, just ask Maria LaRosa.

Bump: no, she turned me down. yeah true, all globes are globalist fake news, should be flat maps.

Linzess woman: but not Mercator maps.

Bump: look, to show i have no hard feelings for this nasty woman, i'll call her right now.

a black hand in a black arm in a black suit answers the phone on the other end.

Janet Jackson: yes, you're speaking to the Queen of Greenland. yes i know you can see my smile through the phone. Greenland is autonomous you know.

Bump: yes, like i want America to be, autocratic i mean autonomous.

Laertus gets up out of his seat to address the auditorium:

Laertus: do i need to start over? the world is cracking and this ain't no earthquake. all the good souls have left us. all the good celebrities are dead. all the good rock stars went bye bye. all the reactionary writers are reading requiescat in pace recessionals. black writers weren't black enough or too real and were shunned from their communities. whom do we turn to now? why i was taken affright aback just this morning when i saw Tom Morello in a red hat...till i saw the words MAKE AMERICA RAGE AGAIN on the lip. who is our moral compass? who can speak the revolutionary words which will return us to normalcy?

Professor: ladies and gentlemen, our guest speaker for the evening, Ms. Marianne Williamson.

polite smattering applause.

Marianne: thank you, i love college campuses, education is not brainwashing. i don't have a college degree so i'm more "of the people", i'm real, i'm one of you. i'm here to provide you an alternative. alternative medicine.

Russell Brand in the audience: *hooping and hollering, hair flitting around everywhere* you go, babe! WHOOO!!!

Marianne: *red-faced* shit, now i'm off-track. set. fuck. thanks, babe. damn. what was i talking about again? the game? this ain't no game. this is about depression, the one disease mankind has never cured.

Tyzik: depression means different things to different people. so now i will coalition all these into the true definition. please, attack me where i'm wrong, woman. depression is like when you get up at 5AM at the crack cos you need to catch a flight. your internal clock is off the rest of the day. you're just always tired no matter what you do. you're just not quite right, off by a few centimeters. your body clock is screwed on at a slight angle, you can see the light at the end of the runway offing, but you can't quite reach it. you wish you felt sad, because what you really feel is nothing. there's a numbing, a deadening inside you. so what do you do? you go to sleep early the next night, right? to regain and recoup what you've missed. except no matter how much sleep you get, you can't quite ever get "back to normal" when it comes to your sleep, your feelings, and your life. it's like there's this chunk of time in the ether, this chunk of clouds you'll never get back.

Marianne: exactly. in my case, i slept too much. why? cos i didn't have a boyfriend to wake up next to in silk sheets like Brandy. we drink brandy under the covers that's our little inside joke. i had nothing to live for.

Marianne's daughter in the audience wearing bermuda shorts: thanks, mom.

Marianne: but now i do: running for Woman President.

Russell Brand: *slumping back in his seat and pouting with those big lips of his* thanks, mom.

Marianne: i'll bottom-line it for you like i do at my yoga retreats in Colorado Hot Springs: don't pierce your body with any needle unless it's a tattoo or henna needle. don't sniff up anything into your nose unless it's the fresh air of Nature outside. we'll see you soon, we're gonna be okay, folks, i can feel it...…...tho admittedly this Higher Consciousness is taking Its sweet time breaking...

Emma: miss, can you show me how to modulate my voice? i want to still sound weird like you but not THAT weird.

Eye Lugage: while we have you, ma'am, let's do commercial roundup.

Professor: wait you have your podcast setup right here on your desk in the auditorium? where there are just seats and my desk? no wonder my scantrons are buggy and my slide-projector has been haywire and i can't hear myself think nor project lo these many months.

Eye: what did you think of the Coors commercial, heroine?

Marianne: LOVE IT. that's a woman! taking off her bra like that under her blouse after a hard day's work and journey into night! i am so glad and impressed Coors actually SHOWED that! you don't see Elaine Benes doing such things on commercial tv.

Dirg: thought it was disgusting, cover up woman, have some decency.

Marianne: thought it tit? this is what real women do. when i become President, i'm gonna take my bra off at every press conference, that'll make the press corps ease and they'll ask more breezy questions. picture everyone in the audience not wearing a bra.

Eye: tennis roundup. Mr. Fed.

Federer gets up to no applause. nobody has noticed him.

Federer: not the FBI, this isn't an ICE raid, hehe...…...*looks at notes* that was menat to be the ice-breaker. anyway, i don't want to talk about it. i want to TAKL it. it's not TACKLE, it's TALK weird. no more Wimbledon for me, okay? i hate that tournament. so now we have the Bronx Open, a New York tennis tournament that's not the U.S. Open. why?

Dirg: women. Carlos Ramos won't be doing Serena's matches anymore, that's sexist.

Fed: and that's it for me, folks, those were the jokes. i'm out of material.

at the Ansonia Hotel in New York to watch the Bronx Open, the crones are settling in:

Gladyce: can you believe all this glitz and glamor and ridged waffled-French-toast-flat-pancake Greek marble architecture that comes solely from Happy Days money?

Doryce: look at this spread, honey! i mean our palatial room not my spread legs. i'm so glad Fuerza lifted the ban on us! did you see her this afternoon!?

Gladyce: sure did. she made bocce fun again by dancing on the bowling lane!

Doryce: and putting all the bocce balls in her mouth, that's my kind of god! laughing is praying. want some ice cream? it's too hot to play tennis!

Gladyce goes for the drawer and rips it open at the seams.

Gladyce: oh dear. i don't seem to know my own strength. it landed on my head and i didn't even feel it. either i am stronger than i realized or i'm hiding the fact psychologically that i don't much like myself.

Doryce: it's alright, babe. just put some clear tape on the cabinet drawer to let the Mexicans know not to bother with it. don't fuck wit it. now we have a dilemma. i was gonna make the soup for us but the soup mix is behind where the drawer is. can't reach it. gotta wait for a man to come and fix the drawer.

Gladyce: right...… how's Bama these days?

Doryce: see, men are good for society. now we can't eat so we'll get skinnier from this.

Eye: 9 to 5, go.

Laertus: you mean the film that made Dolly Parton a star?

Dirg: her tits ayway. and made Sheena Easton irrelevant. pity, any song about a train is bound to be good.

Laertus: can we dispense with the Jane Fonda hate at the plate and concede she's a damn good actress?

Eye: up to bat, yes.

Dirg: Peter Fonda got the shaft. he was a more talented actor but she stole all his parts. and you know what twitter does to people...

Eye: this was originally meant to be a serious examination of the women's lib movement, not a comedy. or a black comedy.

Dirg: would have been funnier. black-latex comedy. Dabney Coleman, what a raw deal. that's gotta be the hardest part any actor has ever played. he is essentially the Symbol Of All Men.

Laertus: Dabney? what kind of name is that? not more uncool white guys tryna get down with the brothas, i can't take it anymore. i gotta admit, not having seen the film but hearing of it, i was NOT prepared for when it does the crazy 180 and goes down the rabbit hole into those animated and acid-fueled dream sequences! i mean Bakshi is rolling in his grave!

Dirg: MD-fueled. animated rabbit hole, still waiting for the Uncle Wiggily show. Ralph should have done those sequences, he was born for them! that'll show Disney i mean Star Wars. fractured fairy tales i believe they call them.

Eye: except Dolly should have been the one with the gun in the horror sequence. i love when Dolly is the HBIC in the next sequence, turning the tables on the boss, except she should have dragged him by the cock.

Dirg: and drug him with her lady drugs. you just love her tits. i'll never drink coffee again, how would you ever know if it's sugar or rat poison? everything's white. i have a lot of female enemies. is it true that they were gonna put Sweet N Low on the box but the sponsor backed out at the last minute? typical.

Eye: they were gonna put Roundup on the other box. there are only two things which come in yellow boxes: sugar and rat poison. RAT poison, get it?

Dirg: just proves women can't drive. and there's an inherent Geraldo bias with that Jimmy Hoffa comment. ladies, come to me next time, i know how to dispose of a dead body. and that's very unrealistic for the '70s: the teenager trying it for the first time would most likely get the marijuana from his mom, if Weeds has taught us anything. Weeds should have been on Wednesdays. none of this would have happened if these women played football in high school. life would be better if men ruled the world.

Laertus: you're the one playing yourself, bro.

Eye: OMG it was so ADORBS when Dolly tells her husband heartedly "it hurts my feelings" in her innocent southern country twang. i've never seen that phrase used in media so genuinely, it's always scoffed at. she can't help it if she's hot and the other ladies are jealous.

Laertus: what's up with Dolly's husband in this? i wanted to know more of his backstory. he doesn't seem to get involved, he's not there punching Dabney in the nose. HE's supposedly the country-music star: sexist. and typical.

Eye: take it from me, i can attest, never work in a factory 1984 open office like that. or for a boss whose office has shag carpeting.

Dirg: i feel sorry for him. he had his window shot out and nothing happened! he had to pay for the doctor in Obama socialized medicine! he was in love with Dolly, genuinely in love with her! a man can't help who he loves! besides, his wife was dumb as rocks. and wore that fur terribly. that Last Shot widening out from the square office building was stolen from Working Girl.

Eye: nah, she was just in it to drain his bank account and take as many trips as she could. smart girl. good girl. and his female spy just REALLY wanted to learn French and took the hard way. remember, there was no French In Action yet, no Mireille for all us dames to gaze at.

Eye: i WILL eat M&Ms from now on cos of this. green ones.

Laertus: i mean the S&M stuff comes as a shock. all the chains and rubber masks and whatnot.

Dirg: none of this would have happened if Dolly simply fucked the man. how did the eating schedule go exactly anyway? how did that work for months? he had 3 opportunities to escape every day, all failed? what kind of bizarre conversations did he have with these women every day? how's the weather? do they play Mouse Trap? he should have just refused to eat and go out the Epstein way.

Eye: i love how the Cowboy Savior Boss is willing to compromise EXCEPT on that pesky messy equal-pay thing, Megan Rapinoe on line one...

Laertus: that guy was The Dude before The Dude. i still have that exact problem with my home printer, can't print a damn thing. honestly i'd rather have it 10 to 6, colder weather is more conducive to good work output. and what was with that weird neon lighting in the daycare center? agent orange shit testing going on there.

Eye: why are the end credits Hot Shots Part Deux? that's all for now, folks, till next time.

the three meet up outside by the glass front door three minutes later.

Eye: next time.

Laertus: you sure about this? we need to be studying.

the three get into the car, the only car in the parking lot, twinkling in the hot night air. Dirg puts on the air conditioning by rolling down all the windows. all three shirts instantly stick to the seat padding.

Dirg: o fuck no! look at this dice! it's so hot all the fuzz has come off! are you kidding me with this schedule? the last two weeks of August are the worst, nothing's happening, nobody's around, you mean to tell me you have to start a new school, new classmates, new levels, you're a foreigner in a foreign land and on top of all that you have to do the introductions in THIS heat!!? sweltering my swag. that all combines into a melting-pot bowl of a recipe for disaster. it just amplifies and cooks the anxiety. this heat is school-shooter weather.

Dirg screeches around four corners and wrecks the neighborhood. not to mention all four tires.

Dirg: i'd slow down but there's no brake on this thing, it's a classic. see? the brake has a bra on it.

Laertus: why are you putting on a Dabney Coleman mustache on your lips with glue? to see better?

Dirg: he's my lamp. but it's a Steve McQueen mustache. look at this baby, huh!?

Eye: i'm staying in the backseat in this long bed here to keep an eye on you two boys in the front. how did anyone give you a license for anything? the insurance must be through the roof.

Dirg: i can make this a sunroof with one swipe of my leather knife. nah, it's already a leather roof and that's cool enough. my old stupid man's. it's dusty green and beige, Pinto, NOT the bean! i stole it from under his big nose, my dad is so dumb, he sleeps at night. Jack In The Box?

Laertus: uh...In N Out...uh...okay, whatever, Jack, you're driving.

Dirg: this is the life we've always dreamed about, right Larry? we're FREE! we're gonna go through the drivethru in this stylish puppy, order a Jumbo Mountain Dew, drive to Fedco---that hill is no problem to drive over---and get the newest raddest video game: Dance Dance Revolution With Guns!

Eye: that Fortnite ripoff?

Laertis: careful, dude, you don't want to upset President Bump who says these video games are the problem.

Dirg: it comes highly recommended from Takahashi, whom i haven't seen in ages.

the Pinto makes a sudden stop not from a bump but from a dead squirrel stuck in the tailpipe. Eye covers Laertus's eyes as Laertus covers Eye's eyes as they both scream but it's muffled by the closed windows as Dirg tries to remove the squirrel with his hand but the poor critter bites Dirg, tells him he's a raccoon and Dirg is racist, leaving Dirg all afright.

Dirg: it's cool, i'm fine. why does it smell worse in here than out there? i got this, i washed my hands with that icky smelly bubbly green toxic soap in the campus bathrooms.

Laertus: bro you know there's no more bathrooms on campus. and YOU personally know why.

Dirg: we'll get our late-night grub from Jack In The Box at 3AM---the only place open at that time---then drive back to my basement for some debasement: meaning we'll continue playing the video game, we'll stay up all night fueled by gallons and gallons of Mountain Dew till the sun comes up and cracks us wide open. buoyed motivated inspired and supported by Mountain Dew. not as a sponsor, Mountain Dew as spirit. MOUNTAIN DEW IS THE REAL HOLY WATER. then we'll repeat this cycle all over again the next day forever. this is living, this is adulting. wasn't it fun to wait in that long line? at Walmart? that's the most exercise we'll ever get!

Laertus: yeah i dunno, bro, i was thinking since you have a car now maybe we'd i dunno go to some parties with girls or something? or hang out with the boys? not be alone.

Dirg: i love the taste of Mountain Dew, it's so cool that drink. it's 7 Up except it contains caffeine, it's the best of both worlds.

when he drives up to the drivethru, Dirg at first is overjoyed.

Dirg: i've been waiting for this for two days!

but then he is dismayed. and angry. and aghast. he thought Mountain Dew would be clear-colored like 7 Up or Sprite but he forgot and instead it's that icky green color of the soap. he can't drink it anymore.

Sunday, August 18, 2019


Hollywood, here i cum!

this pic looks like the Thai monastery up in the hills i used for the background of my youtube youtube channel i say...

it's pilot season. you know what that means. lots of writing. on planes. mostly helicopters. all my best material flies out the window. i need my pilot's license. but there's no time. i need a pilot. preferably Harrison Ford.

i'm gonna make it in Hollywood...or die be a rapper...

1. do you write/manage another blog? kinda. along with this blog i have an Instagram which i go crazy on, thank you for the free publicity. i used to think i saved my craziest writing for this blog which is relatively sparse so i can get away with more but soon my Instagram life bled into my blog life here. you know how it goes, you can't really keep the office away from your bedroom for long

2. pick 3 random blogs from your blogroll and tell us why they are on your blogroll:

Julie's cos i love you eternally like a phoenix. well more like a dove.

Cheeky Minx's cos i won't rest until Cheeky Minx is somehow on Instagram, she needs to liven that place up!

Fraulein Senorita: you know why. her last post is the greatest piece of writing i've ever experienced in one post in one sitting

BONUS: Missed Periods, please come back! O Mon Capitan your loyal students are dearth and dying without your breath! motherhood is rewarding i understand but you're gonna have bored days, too!

3. look around your blog, tell us about two pages you want us to visit:

i recently wrote something which is the most important thing i've ever written. seriously. to me and the trajectory of my life and career path. it's the chapter of the story where i write about both the Irish-tragedy tragic figure of Assumpta Fitzgerald from Ballykissangel and the crucially-monumental revelatory decision i made recently NOT to go to the monastery, my reasoning why…

4. do you have any unique interests that you have never shared before? what are they? i wanna become governor. so i can ban all plastic water bottles in my state. i wanna keep California oceans safe for all those underwater-basketweavers out there

5. what's your current obsession? boredom. really. i don't know what to do with myself when i'm bored. thing is, you can't kill boredom, you can only stay it for awhile. no matter the hugeness of the next big project in front of you, one day that project will end and you'll be bored again...

BONUS: has blogging hurt or helped your sex life? i've met all my friends cos of blogging.


Friday, August 16, 2019



* we can all agree Harry Styles should have been on Skins.

* or Les Peaux

* Phoenix: speaking French will make you even sexier.
Harry Styles: but i don't wanna. i feel i'm betraying my English roots. the Brexit thing and all.
Phoenix: listen man, Bradley Cooper was just another no-name cipher pretty boy in Hollywood till he started speaking French in interviews…

* Harry: hey kids, look how the light shimmies across the angles of this Old World medieval stone English i mean French castle that dots the Parisian landscape. this is called Manhattanhenge.
French soldier from Monty Python: i spit in your general One direction! through the slit of Manhattanhenge!

* Harry Styles: this is really making me want to sing "Castle On The Hill" for you guys.
entourage: is that one yours?
Harry: sure, i mean we all share songs in the community, there's no originality anymore, we all just steal from John Lennon and swap amongst ourselves waiting for our SNL gig. wait, do i know how to play an instrument? i forgot.

* everything else is a smell, only in France is it an odor.

* mantra from David Bowie from beyond the grave!!!

* Harry: sorry for my jumpy leg, i just got back from skiing the Alps of the Matterhorn ride.

* Harry: hey, this isn't a demonic ritual. there's no such thing as Satanism, we're just young! it's saran wrap, not Satan wrap! the Satanist caregivers/teachers at the elementary school? nothing, all a hoax.
Harry: oh yeah, Prince Harry! we should be friends obviously!
William: it's me.
Harry: damn. oh look, i do play the guitar! the folk hippie guitar. see? we millennials know our history! stop dumping on us in the British rags!

* Harry: this is my mother Ivory. get it? she tells me what to do, but she's an ASMR legend on youtube so...

* Bowie: is there a heaven?
John Lennon: Bowie, where are you?

* flower-child girl: stop pulling my arms! we had to leave the picnic so fast i put on the checkerboard picnic blanket as my dress!

* black kid: come on, man. at least let me replace Zayn.

* entourage: *hands* this is a bottle of Gucci Odor. it's odorless.
Phoenix: *gargling* wait a minute, this is mint mouthwash!
entourage: damn. we were told in our notes you were the cool director who never brushed his teeth.

* Harry: imma do the Party Monster reboot. and the Donnie Darko reboot!
Macaulay Culkin: not fair, dude. just cos i was homeless for a spell they tell me they're NOT doing the Home Alone reboot cos i'm too old for the part!
Macaulay puts Gucci Odor on his cheeks.
Jake Gyllenhaal: shade, man, shade. get me back in the shade in a white tropical outhouse next to a palm tree, i'm not done making ASMR philosophical perfume commercials!
girl wearing rabbit head: i'm a bunny. literally. tricks are for kids.

* Cassie from Skins frolicking in the wheatfields : my hair was so blonde on the show it outshone the sun.
Phoenix: what are you chanting?
Cassie: get me the hell outta here!

* Phoenix: next shot. running a train. not what you think.

* Harry: oh come on! JRR Tolkien gets to be naked with the chick!!?
young JRR Tolkien: write a nerd book before you get with the babes. you have to actually be on Skins first, mate! or at least that American Skins on HBO.

* baldheaded chick: we worship Mother Sun. that's why i wear no sunblock on my hair…

* Cassie: hey. i like James Bond as well as the next bloke but the fossil fuels, man. gotta be freer and more spirity.

* Cook from Skins: dykes kissing? check. mudshark-jumping? check. and me in my flower pants.

* blonde: i look like that Painted Bird Russian chick from those Olympic gymnastics games in Ukraine.
entourage bangs. the drums.
The Master: yes? Bowie, what are you doing to me!!?
entourage: we gonna do that thing where we stand naked with our Sun Discs out to protest the Current Administration.

* Harry: so turns out i can't really dance. sorry. i dance like Bono. hey, no waterguns!
entourage: but they're filled with pee.
Harry: oh watersports sex? kay den.

* Harry: memory of my odor...…...i farted...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: steak n eggs at Denny's. you know i've never actually had steak and eggs before. together on the same plate. for breakfast. the ad shows sunny-side-up eggs but does it still count if they're scrambled? speaking of scrambled, i just know Conor McGregor's gonna enter when i do and beat the shit out of me in front of two grandmas for the booth seat.

Monday, August 12, 2019


1. do you agree or disagree with the following statement? why?: sex is a difficult topic for partners to discuss, yet sex can draw couples closer together.

true. it can be an icky subject to broach. but you kinda have to if you want to ensure that you're giving your partner the juiciest pleasure possible. take me for instance:

take my wife please. just kidding. so like one day we're having a coffee at the Vanity Fair offices and she tells me she likes it only after i drink a bottle of Ensure first. she has a Jamie Lee Curtis fetish she explains and it makes perfect sense, i have that same fetish. it's these kinds of little things which strengthen our sexual bond. her Ensure is my pineapple on pizza.

all's fair and all that so she asks me. i tell her i like draw. i like the draw of a certain type of brand vape. so that's what we do, she gets me a wooden vaper that catches on fire.

2. who did you first come out to and why did you choose that person? my cat. cos my cat talks and that's fucking awesome. see all cats talk, it's just we humans never think to talk to them. also, cats will only talk when they think our response would be edifiying in some way to catkind which is almost nearly never.

i told my cat i was a sex addict and she scoffed at me and returned to her toy mouse. later, we played catch with the toy mouse. she never lost energy and my arm went out, i threw that mouse so many times in the air it turned into a toy bat...

3. has someone come out to you? what was your reaction? this was a daily occurrence in my Berkeley years. i comforted them and we went out for acai spritzers later at Krazy Klatsch on campus. there we prank-called their parents and that always made them feel better.

4. recent studies have shown that smartphones are causing decreased intimacy amongst partners. in your relationship is the smartphone a saboteur or helping hand?

i don't have a smartphone. at the Apple Store the Genius was on my (phone) case urging me to get the one with the phone included but i figured no one has ever called me my entire life so i just needed the ipad. mini.

my ipad mini allows me the helping hand i need for my hand to masturbate. and one time it came out to me by jumping out of the screen with a rapier and handlebar mustache and a Three Musketeers tricorn hat with flowing feather and buckle.

5. tell us something you do that could cause someone to say, "what will the neighbors think?":


6. what was your most recent motivation for masturbation? meditation

BONUS: do you regularly view porn? what's regular?

you know those ipad-mini news alerts that come on your phone? well for me i get an alert whenever there's a new porn on the internet.

i miss Regular Show. how is it that there was a Steven Universe/Uncle Grandpa crossover but there was never a Regular Show/Adventure Time crossover?


Friday, August 9, 2019



* we see you...but your crush doesn't...

* not that weird commercial where the animatronic dog talks about collecting your sample easily

* doggy slippers? it's forbidden to have fun OUTSIDE in today's world!

* Bianca: dog, no! that was the dryer lint ball!
dog: don't you play tennis or something, lady? aren't you a WASP?
Bianca: i wish i could fly out of here. and suck out oranges with my butt. all these pictures of you hanging up on the walls is creepy.
dog: you did it!
Bianca: that's the thing, i didn't!

* Duane: i'm doing the Ferris Bueller check thing. got my eyebrows waxed so now i don't have eyebrows.
narrator: hot date?
Duane: yeah.
narrator: got your zoot suit from Amazon Prime?
Duane: oh yeah! all pressed and waxed.
narrator: what's with the lemon soap?
Duane: that's the thing, it wasn't lemon. i feel sick in my stomach but at least i won't curse on the first date as usual.

* narrator: the Allison from Breakfast Club?
Alison: 1 L.
narrator: what's your favorite cereal sandwich?
Alison: bread sandwich. i use two pillows of Shredded Wheat as the bread.
narrator: you have an old-skool tv screen that i'm guessing hipster that you are you never watch on.
Alison: and a set of encyclopedias. a physical set. stop staring at my tits, i have to pay my taxes and i lost the concert stub.
narrator: i have a stub. no really i do. your room is all quaint and mad-scientisty, like The Cat's Car from Infinity Train.
Alison: would you like a cup of tea?
narrator: there's no room in here for another spot.

* Shauna: you know how i get everything done? i have three arms.
narrator: you are the budget lady. for this shot.
Shauna: sure arm i mean am. and all of your lines have been cut from the commercial. budget.

* Sarah: i just had a baby. but that's not my problem.
narrator: *phew*
Sarah: i hate the color yellow...

* Bob: whatever you do, 1-800-Contacts, do NOT make fun of the gaming community! we've suffered enough humiliating shit from the MSM! we don't need any more potshots at us! there are some good people in this community, we're just a little awkward and tend to lose friends fast.
narrator: would you like to come work for us at MSNBC? we're the only ones broadcasting your little video-game tournament this weekend. ESPN Ocho refused.
Bob: dammit!

* Mike: so i haven't fixed a bike right in 30 years. since contacts haven't been invented yet. and yet i still nailed my audition for Mayans and got the part.

* Helen: don't stare at me. don't you snicker at me. i'm the relative who voted the way you didn't but you're still stuck with me cos i'm family and you still have to visit my smelly house and trade doilies with me and eat my dusty caramel squares that taste like butterflies from my musty moonshine jar that's clear.
narrator: okay but can we at least watch Mary Hartman Mary Hartman on your mini tv?




happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: Carl's Jr.. for some reason when you cut up chicken in the shape of little stars, they taste better.

Wednesday, August 7, 2019


Robert Mueller hangdogs it to the top of the cave with the last of his remaining finger strength. his callouses are in his thumb prints and in his heart. his face is so exhausted wrecked and wet his wrinkles are rivers of dried sweat flakes.

he plops by a small pebble at the cave entrance and doesn't feel the hot wind on his face. he sticks out his tongue to see if he can still taste existence. he removes his heavy Avenging Angel wings and they plop to the ground in a thud of dust and termites.

Putin: *smiling sneeringly* what's the matter, Bob? you looked like a pussy out there. where's your vim? your vim vim VIM!

Bob: i'm tired. i'm tired of my work. i'm tired of this process. i'm tired of the world. i'm tired of YOUR world! i'm tired of life. but i'm NOT TIRED of the rule of law!

Putin licks Bob's face. Bob speaks slowly and deliberately and measuredly.

Bob: don't get satisfied. what are you gonna do after Bump? sure you got the second election already rigged but you can't predict the future unless you're a witch. and you are most definitely just another man! like they say on ESPN Football: JAG.

Putin: *rubbing his chin* o i'm sure i can think of something.

Bob: why aren't you in Canada now? they're experiencing their Obama Years now. with the Obama ears. i'm your new roommate, think of me as an invisible shackle around your ankle. pants down around your ankles. wherever you go, i go, ho. forever.

Moscow Mitch is huddled like a sack of potatoes by the corner of the cave, sweating and crying.

President Bump sitting Indian-style: what are you doing here?

Moscow Mitch: i hate my name! i'd actually prefer to be called Moscow BITCH rather than Moscow Mitch!

Bump: hey Marianne, i really do like you down-low, i just can't say that in public. i'm terrified of you beating me.

Marianne Williamson: i hate all pricks. o i have the most wonderful news! RUSSELL BRAND AND I ARE DATING!!! now HE is a brand! that's why i did this whole thing! he is gorgeous. but he's not just gorgeous with the long Poldark black hair, he's the greatest spiritual prophet i know! i mean the man is effortless and blasé about his genius, he's the Russ of Reishi!

Bump: i'm the Imam of Impotence. wait, you didn't run for President to sell books?

Marianne: i could ask you the same.

the Linzess babe now works for CNN as a Price Is Right girl. she wears a brown robe. but you can still see her large bulbous ass Felica Combs-style.

Linzess babe: and i have a vulvous vagina.

Wolf: i'm a better gameshow host than Alex Trebek. we went medieval in your ass recently.

Bump: i know.

Wolf: we're the millennial channel, we went old skool, we drew lots to determine who's President.

Alex Trebek: for some reason we end our string of new Jeopardy shows in Midsommar last week of July. we only have Augusts off. where we go on summer vacation and lose all our lifelong friendships and relationships. i mean who watches NEW Jeopardy during summer?

Buttigieg: CHEATING distance, get it?

Laertus: wow! Beto's really letting Bump have it! laying into him like a motherfucking cementlayer.

Eye Luggage: *crying and burbling and gurbling and pointing to Beto on the screen* that's my bitch...that's my bitch…

Beto and Julian Castro hug.

Bump: i don't get it, isn't Beto white, too?

at ESPN First Take, Molly Qerim has just walked off set.

Molly Q: i am so offset right now. i mean i don't give a damn about what's-his-face Black Hulk guy, but what you said, Max Kellerman, well that just now actually hurt my feelings.

Max Kellerman starts to cry.

Max: damn, i didn't even cry when my brother died. i'm sorry, Molly, but you know this has nothing to do with Kobe Bryant.

Molly: *crying* it's's just...

Max: i know. Molly you my Q Boo. but i just can't do that to my boy Jalen Rose.

Jalen: *putting on his eyeglasses* this is all too cultural for me.

Jalen Rose walks off set.

at The Weather Channel, Creek Stewart is helping newbie Felicia Combs tie a knapsack around her butt. Felicia gives him the reacharound to touch the back of his hair.

Felicia: wait...i always thought you wore a ponytail...what the fuck is this?

Creek: i'm half-squirrel. i have half-squirrel DNA, i checked my DNA on that ponytail is actually a fluffy puffy squirrel tail.

Felicia: shit! i'm calling my cozzin Puffy. now that i look deep gazingly into your eyes, YOU HAVE BUCK TEETH!

Creek: squirrel teeth.

Maria LaRosa arrives on the spot at the spot in a crack of blue lightning which causes the entire forest to catch fire.

Creek: fuck, woman!

Maria: you wish, kid. ah yes, Creek Stewart. and his "nature walks". don't fall for it, honey. i mean he was doing the same knapsack routine thing using only twig and berries with Stephanie Abrams just last week.

Creek: what can i say. i'm good. at my job.

Maria: i mean your name really is CREEK? come on. for an outdoorsman? that's a bit convenient.

Creek: given name. my father was the love child of Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett and the Country Jamboree Bear who has that jug of plum-tomato rum in a mini-barrel around his neck which doubles as his washboard instrument.

Felicia: *rubbing her chin then her ass* that explains the squirrel DNA, it's unnatural. having a threesome is unnatural. what are you doing here?

Maria: i'm here to replace you. you're fired.

Dirg: you bisschen!

Llywarch: nice, Dirg, real nice.

Dirg: relax. it means little. as in kawaii, you and Laertus are bishonen, right? just con talk, that's all.

at the Treehouse, things are coming to a head:

Doryce: well, it looks like you're stuck with me.

Gladyce: i love it, dear.

Doryce: no, that was for Dirg. doesn't look like i'll be going out much in the near future. that's a practice familiar to you, right Dirgsy!? i'll just be dreaming of destinations from now on.

Gladyce: don't lose hope, lover, bans are just that. eventually bans get banned.

Doryce: Toloache? Letang for some Tang? Faulhaber? i need my rudis, Bama hasn't called in a week.

Gladyce: you are just the rude girl to desire such a thing. rude gal? rude babe? i'll give Eye Luggage a ring and see if Harley Hammer's home.

Doryce: once the leash is loosed, let's go to Powell's Books in Oregon.

Gladyce: enough with the whiteness.

Doryce: no i want dusty first-editions of some Ursula K Le Guin dime pulp and Atwood dustcovers to soothe my salve vav. i need some Sister Love, that's the warmest and krinkliest of the loves.

Doryce: i dunno. maybe i've lost my edge. i mean just the other night as i was tinkling i see as predicted two shellless slugs squirming their way onto the bathroom tile. i was able to insta-react, instinct-issue, strike my hand, raise a fist, but then i thought to myself, "you know, i admire these little worms! i got love for the little fuckers! despite all the odds against them---from Nature and the Cruelty of Man---they survive. and lemme tell ya, Nature is a mean ol' mother, she's Joan-Crawford-level, but she's a good witch. the worms keep sliding back into airconditioned back walls and serrated holes and they survive! they keep living! and then i saw it. there weren't two, there were THREE, it was a FAMILY! i couldn't after that, you know, i had grown the balls of admiration for them, i counted them as equals in this dark game called life. they keep coming, they just keep coming no matter what. no matter how many stomp- or flush-deaths proceed them. if they're so willing to live i'm willing to live and let live. i'll never bother those worms again.

Dirg at the fridge shaking the microwaveable box: hey granny, we're running out of snacks, out of cardboards, i don't hear the frozen rocks inside.

Doryce: watch it, sonny boy. read the label on that box.

Dirg: Jose Ole.

Doryce: exactly. now go away i'm talking with my beloved. look, how many taquitos are there in the box, beloved?

Gladyce: 15.

Doryce: exactly. but the instructions tell you how to cook 6 taquitos. doesn't make any sense. shouldn't there be 18 taquitos then?

Gladyce: this is why i love you, babe, you are a glutton. see they were thinking of the chiquitas who are always on Montezuma diets to fit into their laredo dresses at the bullring. watching a bullfight is enough to make any nina a vegan.

Madame Pons: THE IMPOSSIBLE WHOPPER!!! it's finally here! i've been waiting my entire adult life to step foot in a Burger King again!

Gladyce: see, you missed the fine print: there are instructions on how to cook 3 taquitos as well...

Doryce: o NOW i see, thanks for explaining it to me, babe, you keep me healthy wise and sane.

Doryce: hey numbnuts, over here!

Dirg responds without saying a word, hangdogging his head low.

Doryce: take this yellow box of Jose Ole taquitos and when the gardeners arrive you tell them you want to eat these with them.

Dirg: NO! HELL NO! anything but that! i'll never survive!

Doryce: refuse and get this star-topped wand shoved up your small asshole. i was gonna use the silver star shape to make cookies. not bake them. we gotta force multicultural diversity into you before your soul becomes all stained white and is lost. it's a way to break the ice with folk you despise, believe me. and we must break ICE.

Melbourne scarily knocks on the door which gives Dirg quite the fright.

Dirg: AHHHH! scared the fuck out of me. the sheer unknowing terror of it all.

Melbourne: ready? yeah hey you know the entire lifespan of those huge wheeled recycling bins you have out front there they've never been washed ONCE. yeah, people forget to actually wash the BINS themselves, they're so busy being green and responsible and recycling all their shit. so...


Dirg spends the rest of the afternoon into evening and the rest of his summer vacation in the completion of scrubbing down the bins to their core, removing all the decades cobwebs and permanent gunk and shell formations. he is offered no washcloth so he uses his face. the towel is not for his neck but for the after-clean. his arms are long but still not long enough to reach the very bottom of the bins. he needs to use a casing---a sausage casing---to get out some of the grime. a jackhammer is needed for the caked-on gum. and he uses his teeth to remove the stuck crystals.

Dirg: shit. i thought the crystals would taste like pussy. or at least that strangely odorous mellifluent brew of the desperation of women trying to find love, that's my favorite musk. it doesn't even taste like Pop Rocks.

Dirg's arms are now brown, so much so he doesn't need tattoo sleeves to try to look manly anymore. they look like he spread poo on them with a butter knife.

the Mexicans---happy as ever---go about their day and lives and pay him no mind.


Eye Luggage: what has changed? oh you mean just now? ready to discuss the Otezla commercial?

Dirg: *plumfaced* this isn't about what i've just been through but i thoroughly hate this commercial!

Laertus: come on.

Dirg: no, really. how much biracialness can we take? it's so damn forced and cynical. we get it, the small white girl wants to rebel on her parents so she dates the black guy.

Laertus: yeah but it's not just any black guy, it's a devilishly handsome black guy with BULGING muscles. this guy is the REAL Black Hulk! that's why you have a problem, you're jealous. as i smell your smelly pipecleaner arms.

Dirg: i used these skinny pipecleaner arms as real pipecleaners today! besides, who goes to coastal-town seaside carnivals anymore anyways? with Bop The Clown and lanes and ONLY waterguns on the washed-out wooden planks of the gin-stained boardwalk. those don't exist. except on Steven Universe.

Eye: are they really calling the continuation The New Adventures of Steven Universe? that is so '90s...…...i kinda love it...

...joining us on the podcast is none other than TYZIK!

Tyzik has two earrings in one ear and none in the other. he sits down slowly, as if he's been standing for a very long time.

Laertus: hi Tyzik!

Dirg: hey Tyzik.

Tyzik: hi fellas. and you.

Eye: *blushing* an honor. thank you Ty. so you know what you're doing. thanks for coming.

Tyzik: not like that. i'm a reddit superstar. and youtube Top Fan. but i'm a nobody, too. with all the answers and insights about life.

Eye: you do the anime roundup for us this week, my online god.

Tyzik: Stain…

Dirg: ...very funny...

Tyzik: ...from My Hero Academia. Mineta, god damn Mineta, YOU are the reason Stain exists! YOU justify Stain's ethos! YOU create all of Stain's misbegotten and misguided and misjustified young fans who think their deaths will cause a riot which they view as a revolution.

the sealed room laughs. then cries. amongst themselves, the outside world can't hear them.

Eye: The Breakfast Club, go.

Charlamagne Tha God: me?...oh, not me. not any of us this week. *hangdog*

Laertus: you mean the conservatives' wet dream? their favorite movie ever? i mean Pat the Conservative---that columnist---got more ink from this than any other article he ever wrote about policy or carrying a piece. amazing how times have changed. the newspaper biz, amiright?

Eye: not right enough. okay so as with everything else we do, we watched this for the first time last week to prepare for this week's discussion, and the trip of it is that the trio of us are of course, like, 40 years behind the times. we're the only people on Planet Earth who have never seen this film and are experiencing it for the first time in 2019! as a brand-new film! i can't begin to explain to people the sensation of that experience. all the jokes everyone knows are brand new to us!

Tyzik: Planet Earth won't be around for much longer...

Dirg: i mean take the purloined case of Molly Ringwald. change-ringer. what a conundrum! what a position! she's the Mall Queen of the '80s, it's just her! her and Tiffany, whom i'm convinced Tiffany was Molly Ringwald's mother, she's a ringer for her, a young mother who had a baby too early. didn't eat enough toffee instead. so Molly goes around all the malls of America---the ultimate supremium mall tour---as the gabs of screaming-girl fans and some thirsty older boys are yelling at her to sign their posters and baseball cards with her frog-topped pencil, and Molly has to spread the message of ABSTINENCE the world over to these kids. cos the Catholic Church don't want your dirty unwed-mother babies. unplanned pregnancies are the result of bad planning. kids having kids.

Laertus: better than cages. or kids killing kids. i wonder while they were making this in that school room the kids thought this would be a legend they were making.

Dirg: nah, too claustrophic. did you see that room? it's too open-air. that had to have been John Hughes's old high school they were filming in, right? i mean the script is his EXACT experience in high school, HAS to be.

Laertus: but was he Bender or the geek?

Dirg: wanted to be Bender, was the geek. Anthony Michael Hall---kid in the hall locker---weird mood-whiplash. going from the creepy geek who is obsessed with getting laid to the ACTUAL virgin geek here. i hate creepy nerds, they don't deserve to get laid.

Laertus: this was the first bottle episode. tv episodes soon followed with their bottle episodes. all nice and intimate and all done in one room, coulda been a Broadway play...but DON'T turn it into a Broadway play! Matt Groening was OBSESSED with this film.

Dirg: people don't know who the first Bender is. Bender Prime. not the clones. EAT MY SHORTS is NOT a Bart Simpson original!

Laertus: i mean Judd Nelson. right? not Judd Hirsch. this guy Judd Nelson comes all the way from Maine out of nowhere and chews the scenery like he's Sean Connery. Judd Nelson is an acting ingenue savant boy genius. every emotion expressed is pitch-perfect and never overplayed, he is so believable in this role, his anger is so real and justified, unlike yours.

Dirg: Nelson. Muntz. oooohhh, now i get it. hey! i got notes of anger to my personality...that i achieved by reading notes on how to portray anger.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh, how Ferris Bueller is really the non-animated Heavy Metal, one last dose, the last gasp of summer before adulting has to commence and you have to find a job next semester. Fooly Cooly for Americans. how Siskel + Ebert should have recused themselves from the Ferris review cos they were too close to the Chicago scene. how Mia Sara is the daughter of some Greek shipping magnate, i'm a huge fan of your podcast.

Dirg: that junior principal was a real asshole. it'd be justified to do to him...well i'm not gonna say, politically-incorrect and all.

Laertus: there was a real anxiety among '80s adults back then, like they felt this new young wave generation would be running the world soon and that terrified the crap out of them, basically everyone thought back then the world would end in nuclear fire.

Dirg: why does the janitor always hold the soft wisdom?

Laertus: cos the janitor's had a REAL job, he's actually lived life live. not held a cold management position. hardscrabble. he knows where the bodies are buried cos he's dug the holes and watered the lawns over them. the sprinklers are not just for the football players you know, they're for the cheerleaders. what happened to Judd Nelson? why didn't his career take off? Brooke Shields did better, and she did too much too young and Mr. Pickles! remember like the first MTV Movie Awards? they honored the cast and Judd Nelson boy you could tell he was uncomfortable and NOT a fan of this cast! not friends! did not get along.

Dirg: like the movie. life imitates art. they shunned him. cos he was the best actor. he could run circles around them despite being the biggest one.

Eye: you know i get it now, with all the cosplays. yeah, now i would TOTALLY do a Breakfast Club theme party where you have to go as your personality. and wear the anarchy pins or Omni shirt or pixy stix or sushi or many sandwiches.

Tyzik: and yours?

Eye: well of course i'm the goth girl, she gave me a Club chub. but secretly all goth girls are goth girls cos they CAN'T be the Molly Ringwalds.

Dirg: Emilio Estevez ate a lot of chub clubs. sandwiches, furries were still in their infancy. the goth girl had the best smile. oh, and she didn't go to detention cos she got bored, she just got lost going to the mall to play LazerTag for the practice.

Eye: hey, the goth girl is the only one who actually eats breakfast at the Breakfast Club! that Cap'n Crunch sandwich is actually healthier than if she ate rotten romaine lettuce or mad-cow-disease mccheese or a meat-is-murder cow for meat.

Dirg: getting into Morrissey finally? Bender. is that where an alcohol bender comes from? or is it bender over to fuck the young lady's ass. legally. what was Bender's blonde joke in the air ducts supposed to mean? what's the punchline?

Tyzik: the blonde tells the barkeep that yes she is feeling frazzled. her man just told her he was gonna pound his favorite bitch with this sausage, so the blonde picked both of them up---the poodle and the 6-foot salami---and got the hell outta there!

the roundtable claps.

Laertus: Bender predicted grunge, he wore the plaid first. honestly it's all a fog to me, the only thing i remember is the Walk Like An Egyptian dance. that really did happen in detention somehow, right?

Dirg: the nerd is the one threatening suicide, not any other of the stereotypes. it would have been better if the nerd starts peeing his pants, but it turns out the water is from a water gun...

Eye: Molly's tears when she realizes cliques are stronger than character are real and heartfelt. so is the jock who realizes bullying is wrong but his dad is just too damn cool.

Dirg: Molly's detention-reason is lame. cos she went to the mall? it should have been that trick she did with her tits, she did THAT in class that got her detention. all girls are teases tho, right? that's been established.

Laertus: send me cruisin' on that same cruise Molly went to! boy scouts, right? all boys have imaginary girlfriends who live in neighboring cities.

Dirg: why did she give Bender her earring? he'd think that was faggoty.

Tyzik: i mean...

Eye: what was on the brain's OMNI shirt? what did it say!!? can someone slow the tape!?

Dirg: can you blame him? the geek is the only one who doesn't get the girl! he needs that Omni magazine to jack off to. and Bender's iconic raised-arm on the football field...

Laertus: don't say white power.

Dirg: ...i was just gonna say that became the logo for American Idol. i'm hurt.

Eye: a fine American show. i LOVE the soundtrack! despite the bad reviews. actually "Don't You Forget About Me" is the least interesting, the rest of the album is a cool indie goth dark-beat low-undertone album. never has there been a song so connected to a film, EVER. when you hear the song, you think of the movie. inescapable.

Laertus: that one bad review said that band had killed their career attaching themselves to this film. now i get that Regular Show, that Progressive commercial, that episode of Dawson's Creek that all had Breakfast themes. the rumor about that fresh new exciting Dawson episode was that it was just about truth-or-dare in the school library. i got the sequel all mapped out in my head. called The Breakfast Club: The Monday After of course. haven't oiled out all the details save for one recurring scene which keeps popping in my head: it's the jock and the bully, they've formed an uneasy alliance and i see them working at the jock's dad's garage together getting oil all over their shirtless bodies, sliding on that iron garage sled like it's winter. does the group still get along? why of course! the goth girl doesn't have to go to school---she's already graduated with a college degree in sex studies---so she becomes the queen bee cheerleader in her spare time. she marries the jock who becomes a tape-dispenser salesman. Bender becomes President, obviously, we've seen that in real life. the brain drops out of school.

Dirg: i won't say the popular princess becomes the school shooter.

Fuerza: i'm proud of you girls. you're much further along than i was at your age.

Sinphony: who are you? why are you here? what are you doing here?

Fuerza: men have been trying to define me for forever. since before i tried to define myself. you idiot!

Fuerza slaps Codrus in the ear in the air.

Fuerza: pinche! want me to pinch your ear!? i set this up so you and your brother could work together to make the first pretzel! but of course you had to screw it up with your need to screw things up. you are a stooge.

Codrus: i can't help it, ma, you made me love chaos.

Fuerza: stop treating your brother like a punching bag! for your penance, i'm gonna have you get up at the crack early every morning at 5AM so you can take me to my dancing classes! you don't know what goes on at my dancing lessons, do you? you just see me gone for a long time and stop thinking about me. ready to be bored out of your mind!? ready to hang out with a lot of old wise folk? you need to hang out with REAL women, son!

they poof away in a crack of clear lightning.

the girls find Cotard sleeping on a dirt road. maybe sleeping.

Sinphony: Cotard, i saved 5 villagers.

Cotard: ow my head. oh good, i did NOT want to do the repopulation thing, i am NOT my brother. girls, get into management while you still can, YOU two become the leaders of the new village, we need to change the world incrementally in a grand-gesture big way, it all starts at home.

he shakes their hands.

Cotard: i have supremium confidence in you, you are two of the finest people i know.

the trio hug.

Velvetta: thanks for everything.

Cotard: remember, don't fall for the stellar acting of Dawn French, DON'T wear the cloth! i know i know, she's tempting, she enjoys her job so much it's tempting and infectious and contagious. female priests and all. power, not priestesses. her smile is a magnet. but resist!!! be Princess Leia.

Sinphony: *haughty* Princess Leia should have been the one flying the X-Wing destroying the Death Star.

Cotard: remember those precious words, they will help you all your life.

Velvetta: use the force?

Cotard: no, the ones from Gundam:

for there's no life, if you live alone