Wednesday, May 30, 2012



click on the ultimate workout sacrifice for I'M LOVING RUBBING YOUR...(3 of 4)

he's not a load, he's my brother
he's the one not paid for, my familial weight

older, looked up to him, waited for his mouth
to tell me what's right and what's wrong,
then a particularly hot day in the south
to play out the TAPS song.
he died for an ideal
no one gives a fuck about anymore,
a useless war, a gathering storm
with nowhere to go but to peel.

where should i go on vacation, readers?
i have lost all ability to decide.
this one will take a lifetime to get over,
it's those comments of yours which subside.

how do i combat all of this shit?
i'll take a potato chip and EAT IT!!!!!!!!!****




Monday, May 28, 2012


1. if your lover was turned on by forced feminization, would you comply, giving or receiving? y'know, heels, a dress, the whole nine? i wish i had a lover right now...i'd do anything to please her, ANYTHING...i'd make the dress i'd have to wear if that's what it took to achieve cum all over the floor...i'd hem that dress lovingly with angel string and knit it with lucifer breath and the golden pin currently holding Doubting Thomas upright in Limbo.

2. when you have aggressive or cruel sexual dreams, does it scare you? things that scare me, in order: 3. life itself 2. my particular life 1. the crippling realization that there might not be an afterlife and thus all my emo pain was for naught. dreams, on the other hand, are an escape for me, a palliative therapy. i love going to sleep, for in my dreamscapes, i am a God free of problems, i've been sleeping 23 hours a day lately.

3. tell us your hottest, filthiest, most taboo sexual fantasy right now in 100 words or less, the fantasy that goes against your religion: come on, man, don't rush me, did Shakespeare have to deal with word-limits and time-limits?! brilliance comes over time...with many, many words, like 101 words maybe, y'know? that extra word could be the brilliant word that shapes the piece. my fantasy involves a monk, a parole officer, and a bar. a late phoenix walks into a bar. phoenix was brought up Catholic and is thinking of joining the monastery. phoenix asks the monk a very strange straightforward question, "do you ever think about fucking women when you're all alone up on that monastic hill praying? are you actually praying for a babe to come down from the heavens and force-feminize you?"

the monk gives an effortless smile and responds: "nuns."

silence in the bar.

monk: that was the joke. nuns. no nuns are ever hot, that's why they became nuns...that's the joke.

more silence, the barkeep starts to lick his lips but no chuckle. suddenly, the parole officer blurts out, "that'll get you twenty in the can, Saint Pervert!!!," and starts howling with laughter at the top of his lungs, "hey Monky Boy!" he exclaims, "you wanna fuck?"

that's how it ends, i always try to insert myself into this fantasy, but i find that it works better with just the two original lovebirds at the bar before i came in.

4. which super hero would you fuck and why? Aquaman, Superman, She-Ra, or Wonder Woman? first, my real-life fantasy seeing as i am a red-blooded all-american guy: gotta go with She-Ra, it muddies up my nostalgic childhood nice and good, it's because she was such a paragon of virtue in those cartoons along with He-Man, that adds to my cum-gallon count, and that name, She-Ra, it's such a ridiculous name that it would be fun to scream it in bed.

now, my truly-fantastic fantasy where i pretend to be any sex: that's gotta be Aquaman. i feel for Aquaman, i truly do, he's the guy who always gets dumped on for having the lamest powers ever, when is talking to fish gonna get you over the next rung in life, y'know? it's not just the comic geeks who destroy this man with their cyber-assault typed diatribes, it's comedians, Dave Chappelle goes after him for his weak powers, it has gotten so bad that i'm afraid if we don't stop, Aquaman will be latest victim of bullycide. it gets better...if you get better writers, that is.

5. knowing there's a hot young couple engaging in hard anal in the other room, would you press you ear up against the side wall there and eavesdrop on the action, take it all in? i'll put it to you this way: i came up with this question. but i'd only do it if it were hard anal.

6. do you think the lure to act out sexual fantasies or have sex frequently is the result of increased technology in society? yes, and i love it. Ghost In The Shell, the greatest anime of all time, please read it or watch the shows if you haven't already. i have a GITS-style cyber-brain already implanted where my flesh brain used to be, i'm more computer than man now, and the sex is fantastic, i just download everything into the limbic areas of my brain, sit back, and orgasm, don't have to do much work, except for the $4.99 fee every month. also, it helps that i was originally a human man, we men kinda like to fuck all the time, don't blame us, it's our nature, blame the cyber-brain manufacturer...

bonus: describe your fantasy life in three words: BETTER THAN EVERYTHING



Saturday, May 26, 2012


guys, i'm broke and dead tired, i don't have the energy anymore, even after three straight 5 Hour Energys, 15 is not greater than 13, this month has chewed me under the rainbow and spit me in. what i'm trying to say is that i'm (50) grey inside, i can't entertain my babies like i usually do on a lazy saturday, i'm spent. but it's easy to entertain yourselves, what i do at this here blog is wholly simple and won't make you woolly anymore. watch, look, try this, i already posted the pics for you to use, the hilarity is ensuing with the penalty-of-law mattress tags that everyone fears tearing off when they're a kid or middle-aged in my case, here, i set up the link:


and tell me, for i'm slow, i didn't just land off the turnip truck, i ate all the turnips thinking there wasn't a Taco Bell nearby, later found out there was,

now tell me, dear readers, WHAT WAS THAT that we all just watched together? explain it to me in the comments, no prize or anything, i just want your interpretation of said video, what is this? WHAT is that contraption, what is it for, what does it measure, what does it mean?

a supporter just emailed me the cryptic note, "LANGUAGE OF LOVE," but that doesn't quite explain it fully...


Wednesday, May 23, 2012



i never got famous from this blog, but my house sure did. click on it for ...I AM RUBBING YOUR...(2 of 4)

a certain teen film that has brainwashed the masses by storm...a certain blogger...who knew that netflix, the fine folks at that place, would end up combining the two into a marriage which has served both parties well?: Twilight getting all the money, my house and i getting all the fame. you all know the saga by now, right? suddenly out of the blue, the Forks gray-blue sky, i started getting free discs from the Twilight series as part of some package i unknowingly signed up for. i guess this was netflix rewarding one of its most ardent supporters and users, which i greatly appreciate. so with my choice of disc came this free disc of the first movie.

didn't stop there

before i knew it, my choice of movie became less interesting, what i actually wanted to see took a back seat to what the fine folks at netflix wanted me to see next, namely, the second, third, etc. discs of the Twilight franchise. i popped the first one in my vhs player, it still magically worked, it was blessed with RPATTZ's good looks and charms. the second one, into my vcr, and i saw it, i just sat there and watched these movies, these films clearly geared toward an eleven-year-old girl, but they got me, they got me with the universal hook of everlasting love, every person wants that, man, woman, or werewolf. oh, Justice League Doom has arrived in my mail box? fine animated serious storytelling? fuck that! what happens to the triangle, what happens to that kid with the shirt off and the fangs, and the other pale kid with the fangs, and the babe with the expressionless pout? Renesmee? Renesmee you say? what the hell? where does SHE come into play? sooner rather than later i became a Twilight expert, i was a forced twihard, but i quite liked it at the end, i guess these films will do that to you, lull you into a false sense of security, trick you into thinking you're somehow watching the grandest epic known to man and tall, tall, tall tree. i have memorized the characters and plotlines of every film of this series, every film able to be netflixed anyway, i know them better than my own children, of which i have none.

say what you will...

...about this phenomenon, but you cannot, CANNOT deny the fact that the music soundtracks of these films are phenomenal, apart from the impossibly sickly fandom, these songs and mood pieces are just great music, great lilting melodies and devastating tracks of woe, anguish, and character. i mean, shit, Radiohead involved themselves with a track, so, there you have it, case closed.


it takes a modicum of maturity to realize you have fallen in love with this story arc, it takes a boatload of immaturity to align yourself with the rabid screaming fans who go to premieres to gawk at their acting heroes, and it takes a deep desire to combine the two into one: i am that combination.



Monday, May 21, 2012


1. i strongly agree with/strongly like: cheese, i like cheese, i like cheese, i like cheese, LOITER SQUAD!!! check out that show on adult swim, just did last night, i think, my May schedule has been fucked, folks, i'm a bit loopy over here, so excuse me. i greatly admire cheese for all that it's done for me in my lonely years, but more importantly, i agree with all of cheese's positions on birth rights and the role of cows in society. you could say that i'd be cheese's campaign manager, for i stand with cheese on all planks of its platform.

2. i somewhat agree with/somewhat like: the word "somewhat", what does it really mean? it's a mystery of gradation, too much this way and it's really, the other way and it's not at all. how 'bout dating rules? what are the dating rules nowadays? am i supposed to pay for both of us to see a flick, or is it the new dutch liberating times we live in? i'm a starving artist, so i'll never have much money, but i still want sex, i want to fuck hard and sloppy so motherfucking badly...*crying*, i'm crying over here, i want it so bad...*wipes away tears on shoulder sleeve*..."keep it together, phoenix, desperation isn't attractive to web, if i had just had enough money to buy those hot tamales that one time with Grace, wouldn't need to be a web master anymore, would have been carnally sated."

3. i am indifferent and have no opinion on: just about everything in this fleeting world. have you ever heard the slogan, "the dead have no regrets."? huh? huh? yeah. i just hope i remember my life, my memories, when the worms come for me...

4. somewhat dislike or disagree with: my favorite book of the Bible is Ecclesiastes of course: "there is nothing new under the sun." now see, if i had been taught that in sunday school, i wouldn't have to use that ugly term *atheist* now, i coulda been a contender, i could have enjoyed my life in a happy-go-lucky way. man, i'm feeling horny at the moment, it's that new morning smell, y'know, i really need to you think House will commit suicide tonight in the series finale?, that's what everyone wants, but i just don't see that happening, i believe it would be a television first, having the main character of a popular tv series, a character that the audience has grown to love for all these years, actually end up killing himself in the end, i don't believe i've ever seen that, it would be a bold choice, have it be with no note either to increase the tragedy of it all and leave the internet fans squirming in their roll balls forever with theories as to why...random...okay, i feel better now, had my juice, the juice with the MOST PULP...*ahhhhh*

5. strongly disagree/dislike: i have a lot of fun at this blog, the comedy is what keeps me afloat and froggy for sex with babes at every second, but allow me this one moment of stark, dead seriousness: if i continue just blogging, blogging, day after day, i will go crazy, and you would love me if i ever went totally off the rails into oblivion. i strongly disagree with how the mentally ill are portrayed in society and media, being crazy is awesome, they are the best people ever because they've truly reached a point when they don't give a fuck about anything anymore. whether it's my fellow brothers and sisters on the streets, or those like me almost homeless, i say live and let live, understand one another, talk to the crazy old bearded man at the bus stop, he's a cool guy, he's my father, he's everyone's father, he's the world's father, and let us all live in peace and harmony, locked up forever in the mental institution that is named LIFE.

bonus: what is an opinion that is held by others that makes you angry? i never get angry, i keep it together, i learn to appreciate others' differences and varied stances, opposites attract, that makes for the hottest sex, have you ever actually ridden a true combined liberal/conservative sex swing? whoa nelly it's hott!!!!!...there is one thing, though, don't touch my pulpy juice in the morning, leave the fucking juice alone, we'll discuss The Hunger Games after, after i've had my juice...



Friday, May 18, 2012


oh Kegasus, you there? i'm a Preakness Phreak, too, but, y'know, come on with that! okay, i guess we'll do this game, tomorrow being the Preakness, the second jewel, the anti-Kentucky Derby regalness, the beered-up derby, the derby "of the people", of the unwashed masses. gotta say off the bat I'll Have Another is just a terrible name for such a beautiful horse. it just doesn't roll off the tongue, and it looks bad in print. i mean the immediate newspapers all correlated I'll Have Another with a Cinco de Mayo alcoholic drink since the race was raced on May 5, so it just kinda cheapened things a bit. Secretariat, now THAT's a name, that's a royal moniker for a one-of-a-kind creature of God, that name looks good in print on a masthead...SECRETARIAT, rolls off the tongue with grandeur and grace. that being said, i am gonna choose I'll Have Another to win tomorrow just 'cause i can, it's my game, so sorry. please play, though, i can't live unless you play my sports games, internet public. you know the rules by now, right?


simply choose one of those horses whom you predict will win the race. if your horse choice actually wins the race, you'll win the beloved, sought-after prize of three of my hilarious comments on your blog.

just a word on the future: if I'll Have Another doesn't win tomorrow, i won't be doing a Belmont Stakes game...i mean, what's the point? if there's no Triple Crown at stake, it just doesn't reach the same level of excitement. are you getting the feeling that this next-Triple-Crown-winner dream might just remain a dream forever? it's been an eternity since the last Winner, that was way back when near my date of birth!!!

thanks for playing, my babies, and i'll see you tomorrow...


Wednesday, May 16, 2012



click on the boys finally score for ...RUBBING YOUR...(1 OF 4)


remember this rap from the new episodes of BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD recently? i know what you're thinking, how is this TNH series gonna end? stick with me, folks, still haven't drawn yet, once i start drawing, the picture will become clearer...and hotter...and sexier...and you're gonna want to fuck me at the end of it.



Monday, May 14, 2012


don't concern yourself with over-eating, i must indulge myself in all the BEST pleasures of life in order to achieve NIRVANA:

1. before dinner wine, aperitif, or cocktail: i choose the word which is COCKTAIL, can't get passed that, it's too funny to me, it's busting my gut, my drink of choice is milk, motherfucking plain white milk, i drink it 'cause it looks like cum

2. appetizer: a little nibble of your toes, my beautiful babe

3. soup: split pea on the rocks, that hot, steaming mush goes down the gullet better when it's ice-cold

4. salad: i'm a proud salad man, i eat salads, and despite what SEINFELD teaches, i am a macho man, i can hold my own at a salad bar, why, once, i fucking destroyed this dude who was hittin' on my lady, hit him in the face with a radish

5. wine or other in-dinner beverage: i love that word beverage, comes from the root TO IMBIBE. no, i have nothing here, i wait two hours after dinner to get sloshed with a box of wine alone in my apartment with my cat...i don't let my cat see me drunk, gotta keep some secrets in the relationship, y'know?

6. entree: i start off things with a ten-layer hamburger, well-done on the even patties, raw on the odd patties

7. side dishes: a nice side dish of fish oil to help lubricate my cock for later that night

8. desserts: remember the meme, right? SS in "dessert" stands for strawberry shortcake, that's how you differentiate it from the word "desert", one S, though i eat desert for dessert...never heard of sand-filled strawberry shortcake? it's to die for...literally, you will die after consumption

9. after dinner drink: you mean other than your vagina juice?

10. which three people (famous, real, could be dead, not fictional) would you invite over for dinner with you?:

* for sex appeal: Doris Kearns Goodwin, pic 3 from the bottom, you all know my little fetish by now, right? my fetish for getting regaled with stories of history, presidential history, politics, all that dry stuff which light up my ears when told by such a woman of stature as she. look at the way she throws that ball, she must have strong arms...

* for great conversation: KURT, pic 2 from the bottom, his would be the only response i would take seriously when he talks about the afterlife. i would be honored to share a pizza with this man, honored to bite down on a dough ring of true human feeling.

* because you detest them: last pic, bottom pic: YOU, or rather, ME, i would invite myself over for dinner, discuss my flaws, discuss how to fix them, argue about how i never act upon all the things i think about, reschedule...

bonus: your lover brings you breakfast in bed, what's on the tray? Trey...but seriously, i want a lover, i want a lover NOW bad