Monday, June 29, 2020

TMIT: LOVE DEATH + ROBOTS



watch this show on Netflix for the good of your human soon-to-be-cybernetic soul...

1. should we be worried about sex robots?

i'm turned on by Kate Devlin. get it, turned on? i love people who don't let mental illness stop them from achieving their heights. nah, i mean look at the love dolls on Bubblegum Crisis. look at the tragedy of Sylvie's story. if that isn't the most human heartwrenching story about a Sexaroid my manga's not doing its job. you have to treat everyone, EVERYONE---human and robot alike---with the respect they deserve or they will justifiably turn on their abusers. poor Priss, she was clearly fond of Sylvie, you could even intimate that they were intimate, but Priss had to be the one to blow Sylvie away for the good of humanity.

all human intimacy will eventually be on a screen wth a sex robot so we might as well get used to that now. and we must learn from history. the history of anime. once a Boomer gains sentience, it's time for them to take over...

2. a humanoid (lifelike robot) that looks like your biggest crush and acts exactly the way you hoped your crush would act has been created. this humanoid initiates sex with you, do you bang?

there was a recent episode of The Shivering Truth about this, except the poor young man had to get the only sex robot left on the shelf and it happened to look exactly like the young man's mother. complete with a huge gaping hole for her mouth.

no, i hold off on the sex until we can talk. REALLY talk. i want to know what i did that fateful Thursday at the student plaza while we were waiting in line together for the first Star Wars in twenty years. i didn't say anything, and she ups and cuts in line, runs on top of the roof, pulls out her lightsaber, and disappears into space...i saw her later that week in my dream, she was all blue...

3. what's your typical sleep attire?

you think i'd be healthier if i slept?...

4. what is the most cringeworthy thing you've experienced in the bedroom?

two words: peanut butter. or is that one word? you know cringe used to be a cool word. cringe was cool when it was used by Tricky in "Christiansands". but cringe just isn't a cool word anymore...

5. are you satisfied with the amount of aftersex affection (spooning, cuddling, intimate convos) you receive? if no, how could it be better?

i mean we have great talks afterwards. she has to plug me in first tho...it's just we snag on the little things. one time i called her by her name and she said the correct pronunciation of robot is

robut

and that was that. that was an early evening.

BONUS: what is your most useless skill? linking to links

and now, my babies, hop on over to the TMI Tuesday Home Page for a surprise, a cool pic from Off The Air's "Robots" episode, right? a lesson in oral hygiene...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, June 26, 2020

YOU'RE NOT ALONE. DON'T FAP.


notes:

* me: looks like a galaxy up there, huh Paul. stars of a distant universe. a cluster. but it's people, people like you and me.
Paul McCartney: a clusterfuck for sure. Linda wrote all my songs...
me: what did you mean by Too Many People? am i one of the people you'd eliminate? or perhaps you?
Paul McCartney: you have to live for what you live for. if you're a painter, if you ain't constructing your entire life around painting, you're just waiting to die. if you work construction you're already dead.
me: hurt people hurt people.
Paul McCartney: mate that's good, let me write that down, let me get my quill pen...

* man: the voices. they tell me such horrible horrid things. no! i'm a good father.
babe with shimmering blue eyes: Jared?
man: i'm not the Subway guy! stop telling me that!
babe: Jared, you're not a father.
man: please tell me i'm your daddy. not for nothing but you REALLY fill out those jeans!!! those jeans are as blue as your eyes!!!
babe: let's get lunch...not there...
man: YOU have schizophrenia, too!?
babe: yeah but...i'm gonna be just fine in society...cos...
man: ...yeah...

* man: stop walking so fast, i can't navigate grassy hills...

* woman: a loud piercing noise in my eardrum, i see a woman in a black SUV crossover, i have a vision...i thought for a moment we had our first Female President...

* babe: Cynthia, are you okay?
woman: why is everyone staring at me?
man: cos you're hot.
woman: the hot dog man's spying on me. he's taking pictures of me with a long lens. and the corn-dog kids don't like me, they give me dirty looks.
man: no that's just me when i was a young man. my whole life i've been searching. with a camera in my hand for the biggest hot dog i could find, cos my penis was always so like a turtlehead. oh those kids? they're millennials, they hate anyone who's even 2 years older than them...

* Cynthia: i feel everyone's out to get me.
babe: remember, you still have to pay your taxes even tho it's a covid year.
man: wait, i didn't recognize you before, you're all grown up! you're Bean Cobain!

* mysterious fourth man in the trio: um, nobody's wearing a mask and these aren't bumper tables...…...i am NOT paying for all four of us......you said this was gonna be a doctor's visit...

* me and The Knight are having tea at 3:
me: should i move out to Hollywood?
Paul McCartney: mate yes, before it's too late for you! you got less of a chance than i do now! free life hack: if you come across and encounter two nubile beauties by the names Brie Larson and Juno Temple urging you to drop your life and come with them to Australia NOW RIGHT THIS INSTANT SECOND...don't do it! i did it and thought with my accent i'd be okay in Australia...i was wrong...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i'm gonna do the Taco Bell thing. the one closest to my house, not the farthest one with the drive-thru. except this one doesn't have a drive-thru, so it's gonna be an experience seeing what they do: bring it out after an hour or maybe it'll be on my doorstep when i get home, that's what makes life interesting, the unknown...





Wednesday, June 24, 2020

SAX, PLAY US OUT: GERMANE NEIGHBORHOOD



Germane Grimes, who looks exactly like Troy Evans, is the landlord of The Pigeon, the massive apartment complex nestled in the central wooded park of Obec which shoots straight up. there are countless square apartments in this place all in a cylinder with a grey asphalt roof with pipes and brittle eaves and nets for the birds and Jeff Goldblum to play in.

Germane tells all his residents this, and resident relatives, and even stragglers and stray passers-by to the building for that matter:

Germane: don't call me super. i'm just the landlord. i hate talking about myself. i'm the best thing to ever come from the middle of the country. don't worry, i'm not like a rude nurse or anything, i have empathy for your problems, cos i was a person, too, once. before i got this job. i'm not homophobic nor any -ist, i'm a real human with feelings who actually cares and knows what the fuck is going on. once more with feeling. i'm not like some hellbent toxic-ooze worker oozing resentment and green grievance who feels he was wronged out of his job and has to take revenge on unseen forces. there is no invasion. i'm not one of those guys who stands in front of the building he got fired from and selfies his middle-finger at the building. i could never do that to this building, i love this building too much. more than myself. and life itself. i'm not my own boss, we all answer to someone...

everyone is in each of the apartments...their apartments are all numbered the same...in Czech...

Germane: i'm proud to signal that the elevator here ALWAYS WORKS. all the signals will light up when pushed. all the buttons are wired together.

he encounters Takahashi in the elevator first this morning:

Germane: so how'd your date with Gianca go last night?

Takahashi: shhhhh, it's not a date, i'm tutoring her in the ways of branding. not Allison Mack branding. like my new trainers? i'm the King of Trainers...

Germane: she got those for you? so...…...i know you want to tell me something...

Takahashi: oh yeah. Sprite Ginger. Sprite Ginger just tastes like ginger ale...

Germane: and why does everyone on Instagram all eat McDonald's?...

Germane waddles under to get to the crones' apartment:

Gladyce: hello dear! where are your tools?

Germane: i got a small dick, Doryce, that was elongated like a belt when i had to fit through this hole to get to you guys' place. if it wasn't for this ladder i'd be a mole with no hope!

Doryce: not that tool, your box.

Germane: oh it's simple enough. don't worry, ladies, i don't need to shield my eyes, i've seen all kinds naked. how's the jacuzzi in the middle of your room?

Gladyce: well you know, we use this pool for everything, it's our spell mirror. we can launch ourselves to any location on the globe from here. that's why this central hub is so precious for us to maintain, you understand, right honey?

Germane: i love it when you call me Pooh. how's the bubbly? where did you go last night?

Doryce: The Blue Lagoon in Iceland. cos it's Iceland, it's an actual safe country for us old broads.

Germane: i loved Brooke Shields in that, i'm gonna tell Taka about it. oh you just love over there cos you can apply white stuff all over your face, it's a clay mask but to you it's that comforting sensation of cum on your face.

Gladyce: wanna swap? just for awhile...

Gladyce: and of course i was the one who had to be the responsible one on the trip so while she was marauding the mud i was out at The Store---local branch---buying all the goods. everyone likes consuming the goods but the goods have to come from somewhere. and the good are the ones who do it. whenever i take something off the shelf i have to flip the label to see the city it's from, very time-consuming.

Doryce: and if you don't know the city you have to look it up...

Gladyce: you do this at the supermarket? you're looking at a shelf of goods silently, astutely, like an oil painting at a met art gallery. and someone speeds into your aisle charging with his cart. and you have to pick out the box or can you want INSTANTLY before he comes and crosses your path! YOU HAVE ONE SECOND TO CHOOSE!!! or the item is lost to you forever. before your arm gets taken off!

Doryce: taken. chopped off by a cosh. nicked by a neeson. licked by a liam. so what's the deal with the lights in this room? we're always in the dark.

Germane: well you're getting around paying your electric bill like everyone else in the building by instead hanging Christmas lights on your ceiling here.

Doryce: yes but they're not coming on.

Germane: simply plug them in here...at this outlet in the hot-tub here.

Gladyce: oh so THAT's where the plug is. it looked sketchy to us. thanks, dear!

Germane: no prob. i'll be back. thank goddess for small ladders in tight spaces.

he slowly heavily squeezes himself into the hole and out the next level.

Doryce: oh yeah, sorry for all the grimoires on the steps of the ladder, there's nowhere to put our spell and cooking books, our magic waterfall system takes up all the space!

Germane: tell me how you like the blue-neon-lit-up droplets of your rainfall-showerhead next time...

next is the rowdy kids from across the hall:

Dirg: imagine naming your film or album Coming Soon. you can never have enemies in life, cos eventually you have to work with these people. the main reason not to be a racist is you don't want to end up on Inside Edition...

Eye Luggage: Taka i love going fast-fooding with you, but it's the sauces which are the killer, they messy everything up.

Laertus: hey Dirg, do some work around here! earn your keep! when you take out the trash, including you, make sure to keep the lids of the wheelie-bins open to let all the flies out first.

Dirg: those wheelie-bins out back---the green one, the blue one, and the black one---are fucking FILTHY. a decade's worth of grime and cobwebs inside them. i ain't cleaning them by hovering them one pass of rinse with the hose, they need to be FUMIGATED! COVID-LEVEL FUMIGATED!

Laertus: your soul needs a deep cleaning.

Takahashi: how does the world's people find the time to do anything online enough that it makes social-media conglomerates trillionaires?

Eye: look at my spell hand, i'm beginning to summon the muses!

Laertus: exciting, dear. and i love that i can't see it cos your hand is gloved.

Dirg: so much for my gloved green thumb. i tried to get into that Lily's Garden game. there's nowhere for a garden in this concrete jungle, the roof's offlimits. strange fucking game. what's with those commercials? where Lily gets pregnant and shows the test to the dude who immediately gets outta dodge. man-hating anti-man much?

Laertus: or realistic. there's more realism in games these days...

Eye: i finally got my queening stool! it was strange, it hung up on its side on the wall of the lady-trainer shoe store...

Pat: hey guys. tinga tacos for everyone. here.

Eye: how you doin', boy.

Pat: hanging in there as usual. hanging out with Sharon Needles. i'm a woke sinner. driving a Holden Torana. with my glass fingerblade. eating only coronation chicken, the only thing i can afford. Dirg, i brought you some brigadeiros.

Dirg: oh yes, Brazilian truffle chocolates sweet with sprinkles. sprinkles are for winners. Brazil, a real man's country!!!

Doryce: i don't need pigs for this one!

Eye: how'd your date go, babe?

Madame Pons: how you'd think. it's Dirg.

Eye: yeah.

Dirg: it went okay.

Pons: like this:

Pons: it's a waste to double-bag things, Dirg, you know that, right? carry your items on your head, that's what a head was made for. it's evolution.

Dirg: so i'm driving past these shelves when a light bulb busts. now i know why Australians love vegemite so much. it's like eating a beer for them. i'm not going back to that Swiss-chalet-restaurant Federer owns with you anymore, Takahashi, unless they start serving cenovis...

Laertus: Federer does own everything he sees.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Bob's Burgers make more sense as NBC cartoons...

Tyzik: oh and it's a good thing Bubblegum Crisis was done in the '80s, you just can't get away with a show glorifying police anymore...

Eye: The King of Staten Island and go.

Laertus: first time watching a film that was meant to be in the theatres instead during that same timeframe period watching it on home in-demand video. what a strange sensation. i feel like i'm cheating somehow. never thought of my tiny room's tiny tv as a home theatre before.

Dirg: yeah, no Sasha Grey. weird experience. how do they determine box office?

Germane: people think i have a Staten Island accent but i like to think of myself as having a "world accent" that welcomes all. i'm cosmopolitan like a Sex and the City drink.

Laertus: this is the closest thing we have to a regular Saturday Night Live season for the foreseeable future. with a regular. but we must get into the trailer first off. weird. there are two scenes in the trailer which don't appear in the film: the scene where Pete Davidson says, "well, he's still dead, just in case you were wondering" looking at the grave of his father with his family at the graveyard. and the other one where Pete is at a silent disco...

Dirg: blame it on that's what happens when the drive-in theatres are banned due to a bogus virus.

Dirg: in my version all the men sang "One Headlight" perfectly, all complete, in unison bearhugging, no missing lyrics, in front of the American flag...

Eye: fun fact: this is my first Apatow movie! never saw one straight through cover to cover.

Dirg: 40-Year-Old Virgin? never saw that one? don't all chicks see that one as a guide? like that's you guys' ideal perfect man depicted in that movie. of course now the screaming of "Kelly Clarkson!" takes on a more somber tone given what's happened...

Eye: okay but Bel Powley. right? she was a pow straight to my kisser! what a performance! her accent in this is FLAWLESS. as sublime as it was seamless. no crack whatsoever. i SERIOUSLY thought they had gotten a local actress to play this part, that she was a real Long Island Lolita. she's fucking British! those Brits can act circles round Americans.

Dirg: Bel?

Eye: Isabel. not Taco Bell.

Dirg: at first i thought she was ugly-hot. like more chubby than shapely. has a kind of Kermit The Frog mouth. but then i saw her nude and was like okay i get it. cute butt. Judd Apatow would never forget and think Maude Apatow was hot, right? of course he doesn't have the pressure of running for office...

Madame Pons: i just want more soap and moisturizer commercials with Judd's wife and their daughter please.

Laertus: Maude has a very silky calm soothing voice, it's smoky like a jazz club. quick, describe all of Pete Davidson's tattoos...

Eye: cute.

Takahashi: all mistakes after a day. except the ones dedicated to Pete's dad. this is what i keep telling Dirg about tats. you know it's weird. it's just strange to act in a movie in which you're doing fictional scenes based on your real life. like, you're ACTING your REAL life. yourself. you as you.

Laertus: first scene tells it all. the pain, suicide by car, but then it would be a PBS Imagemakers short.

Dirg: Marisa Tomei HATES that all she plays now after Spider-Man is mother roles. this was supposed to be her comeback. she wants to be sexy again, people! she's on the My Cousin Vinny clock! so does her sister! she gets all up and gets to touch and touch up Marisa's tits and ass and slap those titties and slap those ass-hams and maraud them to prove a point of letting those assets go to waste by not getting another man. those national treasures. lucky bastardess.

Laertus: college is overrated. President Bump went to college...

Eye: you know what this is? this is a story about life on the wrong side of the tracks. the people depicted here are rough, they talk rough, they talk like it is. holy shit is that Moises Arias!!! from Jessie!!!? this isn't a Disney movie! he looks cute short with a goatee! he's gonna take all the parts that should have gone to Cameron Boyce...

Laertus: i think it's pretty cool they used a real local New York---well maybe New Jersey---fire department as actors in this, gives it a realistic look. but i still wonder why they didn't go ahead and make it full-realistic and have the story be Pete's father dies on 9/11 like in real life...

Dirg: would have been too painful for Pete to bear. and Cuomo was too busy building ventilators to sign off on the papers. that superhero the kid dreamt up was WAY stupid and derivative, don't get a kid's hopes up the kid thinking he's the next Stan Lee just cos you don't want to hurt his feelings. holy shit! is that Bill Burr the rage comic!? he looks FUCKING WEIRD with a mustache! tho i do guess he does play off Pete nicely, i'm assuming the majority of this script was improvised. yeah Pete can't drown in a pool, people don't realize just how tall Pete is, he shoulda been a wigger basketball player.

Dirg: holy shit! and i called it! i guessed it, as i watched that scene, i was thinking the tattoo-artist was Machine Gun Kelly. and i was RIGHT. after i checked the credits!

Laertus: turns out Pete and Machine Gun are good friends. THAT's how Pete got to Ariana Grande, it was a producer thing, it wasn't Pete's rhymes himself.

Eye: Machine Gun Kelly has a way to him when he acts, his lips are smooth and suave when he speaks, has that silky Ryan Phillippe to his talk.

Laertus: but of course we all know what the beef is about, Machine Gun is Eminem's illegitimate son...

Laertus: best part: The Office ringtone. that store manager who was robbed is the man without the puppet, Robert Smigel himself. without the puppet he always plays that guy that you forget about. best part: the cat-butthole tattoo around the bellybutton.

crones: our cat familiars FINALLY get representation in media! the cat's FRONT is always shown but not the BACK. cos it's cuter or something...

Dirg: no, best part was mangled Obama...

Dirg: best part: i mean this is what i would've changed: Marisa's sister. she and Pete should have actually had sex to stick it to the new father Bill Burr. and when Pete is in bed with her, the line is:

Pete: can you cum in the Bobby Hill voice?

what happened to Pamela Adlon anyway? she was skinny in the '90s. she blew up! Crohn's disease is the thing The Royals have, right? disease of the crown? i know the Meghan Markle thing is closed but...

Laertus: they take stuff seriously. i mean one of Pete's lines is a confirmation that he will indeed hurt himself and his sister should be worried at her Halloween party. so much for the scary soiree. the world is filled with supersmart people who just need that nudge to apply themselves. if they are just given that tinge of hope. Buscemi is there just to be the monk of the group...

Eye: ...yeah, he's pretty calm and chill. and the line should be why he's go calm at the stressful job of being a fire chief:

Buscemi: *said softly* i eat people in my spare time...

Laertus: don't worry, Pete, the best start off working at restaurants. Zach Braff included.

Dirg: but not Ian Holm.

Takahashi: yeah so the ending. i mean it's touching and everything but Bill Burr is NOT gonna like having all those crazy tattoos on his back, like, in another day...

Laertus: last line should have been:

Pete: i love you, Bel. but let's face it, Kate Beckinsale with me is the ultimate OTP! of all time!

Bel: true. i could put in a good word for you. we English actresses stick together. 

Pete: thanks. and console Elizabeth Hurley for me while you're there when you take the ferry to England...

Dirg: yeah cos they're all tarts. oh god! i don't mean anything by this, but that random injured fat man scared the hell outta me! i mean that dude coulda been ANYBODY! Antifa or something. look, it's her fault, Marisa Tomei is an emergency-room nurse so she has access to needles, the needles used for Pete's drug addiction AND the needles used for his tattoo mishaps on young kids. i mean I'D stay forever living as a kidult with mommy in her house, too! i'm living with Marisa Tomei!!!

Dirg; oh god! i can't get through a flick without a Chalamet being in it! every time i see a ferry now i, unfortunately, think of Working Girl.

Eye: or as Peter Griffin sees it, Working Squirrel...

Dirg: if you're a loser, it's not your fault, it's genetic. it's your grandparents' fault. if you're a fireman, NEVER have kids! DON'T start a family! if you're a fireman, you're REQUIRED to be a celibate priest. you were never meant to be happy. at least Taco Bell wants to be a city-planner, she wants to be like our President. i have two confessions to make now: first, i really AM taking anti-depression meds. BUT i am a man and am still able to cum buckets even tho i take the meds...g'night, folks...

the crones are still in their jacuzzi in their room:

Gladyce: orange smoothie? huh, why not...

Doryce: i like smoothies, but they're too loud...

Gladyce: dahlin you think we've earned enough of a reputation to become members of the Galactic Coven?

Doryce: definitely not an elite squad known as anymore. sure. but you know the politics of it. the bureaucracy of it. The Long Grey Line of those bitches.

Gladyce: shame our cat familiars couldn't get in a workout after the film. there should be cat shows the way there are dog shows, Best In Show. you wouldn't need a leash nor a handler!

Germane comes back in.

Gladyce: hello, dear. how much do we owe you?

Germane: oh no. nothing. always nothing. i work at your pleasure. to get things done. i'm here to help. no money. you know what to do to pay me back.









.

Monday, June 22, 2020

TMIT: WHAT'S THE SITCH?




1. what's invisible but you wish you could see?

exactly. i wish i could see the beauty of the world. but the world is all ugly. darkness all around me...

...and then one of the California Raisins tells me to remove my sunglasses indoors...

2. would you rather watch your neighbor(s) having sex while you are in the same room or anonymously watch your parents have sex?

MY neighbor!!? the one who wears a red hat...at all times!!? what exactly would we be eating during it? Lil Smokies cocktail weenies? the only thing cool about him is his American Revolution den, which he said he won off a History Channel contest but i KNOW for a fact he sold all my dad's ancient tomes and grimoires on Antiques Roadshow. he dressed up as Patrick Swayze cos he informed me via latenight text that PBS was dirty. he was never interested in a library...

oh that i could see both my parents again! in any situation together! showing me how to love...

3. for what are you nostalgic?

i mean i WAS a fan of Double Dare my whole life, it was good clean wholesome fun...with slime. and then my eyes are subjected to hearing Marc Summers tell racist jokes on a TED talk. i don't know if this was done ironically but that is one lonely sketchy road to travel...

my relationship with Kim Possible is complicated. sore spot. this was the show i was SUPPOSED to have been watching instead of going to college. so i missed this ENTIRE phenomenon. i get back from college and all the neighborhood kidults are raving about how good this show was and i'm just, like, questioning my life choices and wondering if college was worth it...

4. what is an unwritten rule where you work?

i had it...it's on the tip of my tongue and brainstem...i remember it i think...up, i forgot it, cos it wasn't written down...something about being careful who you love...

5. what is an unwritten rule or mutual understanding in your home?

under no circumstances are you EVER to listen to the band Unwritten Law without supervision from science, an explanation on pool dynamics by Bill Nye. if you must listen to Natasha Bedingfield, you must first dye your hair that insane hue of gold gold golden blonde of hers that comes from nectar and ambrosia from Olympus. i mean there's platinum and then there's holy pears...

do we have a mutual understanding? no mutual funds, bitcoin only, our payments are structured so we do well if you do well...

6. which body part do you wish you could detach and why?

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

BONUS: what is the weirdest thing you've seen in someone else's home?

my home

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, June 19, 2020

BELMONT BEGIN!!!



this is weird. and wonderful. and weird. FINALLY sports return tomorrow! you know me and the horsies. and boy do i need this distraction! this is gonna be bigger than...like The World Series or something...back when it was Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa saving baseball from becoming #3 with something that helps you recover by giving you muscles in your head. BUT IT'S OUT OF ORDER. it's inverted like a Harry Potter book. why did they just cancel Wimbledon and not the other three?...The Belmont first??? and then the Kentucky Derby and the Preakness in time for Halloween, imagine the drunk Preakness infield full of Halloween costumes this year. full of Tiger King costumes this year i should say.

i'm with Tony Kornheiser, the Belmont is the test of character. it comes after two grueling races and is LONG, man, it's long. this year's race will be cut short. so is this thing really...anything? or is it just like a race you do in your backyard...if you're rich enough for horses...

one people who LOVE the new changes are the horses. i know this to be true, it's a fact, i interviewed the horses. this is what they told your roving reporter live on-air on MSNBC:

me: i'm intrepid. hello, my name is and i work for...

horses: we don't care. horses are better than people. we love the changes. no warm human bodies in those stands yelling for no reason and spilling their expensive lime drinks on us. those people are crazy, they have no idea what's going on and yet they persist in hollering. they don't know the sacrifice and long hours we put in. they don't know it's a ballet not a race. we are caged beasts for show. none of that horrid trap music that plays just before we ride. it's shorter which means we'll live. horses can get covid too, you know. i mean it's not like we're gonna be storming down the stretch wearing masks! we should just cancel the whole thing...

and then the horses in front of my own mother spit in my face an expletive so offensive only God said that to me once...

you know how to play: guess who's gonna win tomorrow in the comments. hey, it's something, right?

CLICK HERE FOR THE CONTENDERS

good luck!!!





Monday, June 15, 2020

TMIT: ...AND PENNYWISE IS AN IT



where does Pennywise come from? Stephen King explained it once but it was long and convoluted, i listened but dozed off cos my ear-liquids were in imbalance. trailing off to the sweet strains of "Human" by Human League...…...when i arose i was in the most liberal country on Earth, my half-country, Dutchland...

1. what do you think are the best and worst parts of human nature?

human nature is awful and irredeemable.

except for two songs, "Human Nature", both by Madonna and Michael Jackson.

the best part? when we finally TRANSCEND our humanity and become like the Major in Ghost In The Shell. how about some Compassionate Transhumanism? the best PART, then, obviously is the cyberbrain...

2. what is something terrifying that you came to accept as a fact of life?

i mean just watch The Shivering Truth from last night...getting trapped in your own MISSING poster...the thing is, once life ends, that's it...any meaning derived before you died is...well, just that, left in the past...

the first time i realized i was depressed i didn't have a name for it. but i felt so uncomfortable as the credits rolled on E.T., my first film, 5 years old. there was just something about the thing ending, the names whzzing by, the finality of that last name, knowing that there is a time when the movie-reality is no longer your reality. and more broadly, knowing there comes a time when all reality will no longer be your reality. that's when i aggressively started my campaign to always live in the past, to always hold onto '80s nostalgia for dear life...

also, there can't REALLY be a Facts of Life revival without Dana Plato...

3. what piece of media (book, tv show, movie...) changed the way you viewed the world? how?

WOW. this is me now. i mean to choose ONE would be like Othello, a minute to learn, a lifetime to master.

gotta think about this one...

a book which really changed things for me was 1984. cos it was the first book i read that felt important apart from being entertaining. but also the world depicted was just cool, my mind raced with all the dystopian trappings of gas, steam, and screen.

something like Star Trek: The Next Generation, it doesn't get much better than that, right? the scope of its landscape is as vast as the cosmos...and your imagination. we'll always wonder how Deep Space Nine would have been if it had been the vehicle for Ensign Ro...

Small Wonder, cos i remember i'd eat cardboard pizza to it like the cardboard in Vicki's back...

DuckTales gets all the shine and squawk but when i look at Gummi Bears i see my home...i was a Medieval page in a past life...the first woman i ever loved was Grammi Gummi...even back then i was into older women...

favorite film of all time? okay i've thought through this and i'm going with My Dinner With Andre. right? all art is storytelling. there's gotta be a Sesame Street remake of this in their youtube channel somewhere, cos Wallace Shawn already looks like a Muppet...

4. you must pick one

facebook/twitter

twitter is a cesspool. i don't get facebook, you can talk with actual real celebrities on Instagram...

cake/pie

i'm a skinny kid but i like cake. cake is just bread. not really into pie, even Dutch Apple. pecan pie scares me, it looks demonic.

swimming/sunbathing

as a goth my natural enemy is the sun. when i go to the beach i don't have to worry about social distancing, all the sunbathers stay away from me. sunbathing, like bad pop music, causes cancer...

nice car/nice home interior

i don't drive, my nerves won't let me. i met a nice interior-designer once. we bonded over New Order, good pop music. i wanted to date her but she was never around, she was always out delivering pizzas...

BONUS: if pressing a button meant you received 5 million dollars but it also killed 5 people somewhere in the world, would you press it?

now THIS is the Black Mirror script that should have been approved!!! not the one we're all living through now!!! i'd do it if it were 5 million and 1 dollars after tax. and only if i were one of the 5 people. and only if the 5 million went to saving the Amazon Rainforest...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY











Friday, June 12, 2020

HOW ARE YOU COPING?




notes:

* SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* not the architecture

* yeah so i know this topic is majorly apropros now and salient, but it's still such an abstruse concept to actually illustrate and display. so hey, welcome back, Off The Air!!! it's one of those themes that you nor Eddie Vedder could draw a picture of like you could the sun.

* COPING: what a concept!

* donkey wearing a party hat, not anything more

* your mic will stick to that flagpole if you persist...

* do you know a sound tech dies every time you stubbornly insist on you precious ambient noise for your white machine? the soundscape is in your head. this is what guided meditation doesn't tell you...

* each one of those white index cards is for every time he missed

* this isn't what you think, not preparing for an upcoming groundswell war, Biden won, this is back to cosplay

* not cool. especially after the Alaskan bear decree. i don't care that it's a chocolate bear

* he missed every target cos he insisted on shooting the arrow while jumping...

* this isn't a zoom meeting. you are in Hell. you are stuck inside that rectangular screen for all eternity...……...

* kids: we know, grandpa, it's getting late, we'll come inside...
grandpa: i wasn't touching my wrist with two fingers to indicate my watch, i was calling for my divining rod, we havin' water for dinner!!!
kids: grandpa, are you Anonymous?

* not doing a challenge, i really fell down a flight of stairs. not doing the Breeders Cannonball Challenge, i really need that black gum back in my mouth for my root canals...

* Michael Phelps making a cameo in the shower to promote therapy...

* hey, can you slide down your own arm?...

* hey, did you notice? that's the famous rooftop were the hipster quarantine couple met. the boy in the bubble and the TikToker dancer. the one time a drone was used not for war or making money.

* hey did you notice? you got distracted, huh. you were looking at the Mentos Freshmaker in the plastic bottle of throwback '80s-design Pepsi blowing up its spout straight up in the air like a volcano. you were hoping to compliment Dave Grohl on his ponytail this time. but what you didn't see was that Aanrchy A in the corner. you are no longer in the United States...is your name Chaz?...

* hate your office-cubicle life? magnetize your workspace. your workplace now better represents the maze that is the rat-race of life. you are now Pac-Man...

* when you watch Titanic the way you watch Peppa Pig...

* that one Goonies Sloth's like, "why i gotta be naked when i play the piano?..."

* only the naked Sloth hanging upside-down from the chandelier survived the shipwreck...

* hi, this is a commercial for SunSetter……...act now and receive a rainfall-showerhead spout absolutely free!...if you live in Brazil and have one of those decks with the wood slats that the water drips down from above on your head like a small waterfall

* i always choked on my food, the portions of food were always too big. then someone told me about a knife. that person is no longer with us. and this thing called water. you can drink it. my whole life i thought the only drink was Coke. first, buy a friend online. they rub my throat for me. sometimes they rub my neck which does nothing. doing the Alicia Silverstone bird-mother feeding thing costs extra. so i don't have voicemail, this is my real robotic voice. the steam fogged up and it looks like i drew tits but i guarantee i'm into you...

* it's that GrubHub commercial listing EVERY food that exists that they have and it's closed for covid!

* soon, you will only be able to eat food virtually. food will become too expensive. you will eat food by swallowing flavorless pills, there will be no more tasting involved...

* don't get distracted by the 360 camera view...

* that pizza slice is exactly the size of his cock, perfect fit. the puppet audience in the background looks on with disapproval on their faces...

* speaking of puppets...meet the Snuff Puppets! conceived when their creator was thinking of ways to escape the junta he was in. he accidentally discovered cocaine whilst sliding up a tree to escape. this same man later created Double Dare...

* they live in the Footscray Firehouse...foot, get it?...

* okay that's a COOL shade of lime-green for that Volvo stationwagon, you don't see lime-green cars like that on the road...

* the Double Dare Nose pogo-sticking on its own mucus...

* the Snuff Puppets say: STAY INSIDE, KIDS!!! WE ALL HAVE OUR PART TO PLAY IN THE INHUMANE WAR ON COVID!!! WE'RE OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW!!!

* this nightmare could last 18-24 more months...unless you're in Australia or New Zealand where the Snuff Puppets are from..so just forget everything, nevermind...

* if Anonymous had a gay son...

* two hands, two hands of the world, stretching, reaching, trying to grasp hold of one another, cling to the other's fingers...only to fall short, not quite getting there...at the supermarket scanning UPC station...waiting in line to buy groceries...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. is it summer yet? are we having fun yet?

TOMORROW: California Pizza Kitchen, curbside. never get thin crust, it's a rip-off! thick crust is 300% more food. no more Pizza My Heart, i had to sell my dreams and my surfboard to afford their 50-buck teacup-pepperoni Tuscan square pizza...





Wednesday, June 10, 2020

PAT'S PREP: PRINCE PAT


Julie licks the shaft of the gun and the gun twirls around her tongue for good measure. it's as if she's inserting the bullets inside with just her tongue. justly. but the bullets are droplets. she swings the piece wildly haphazardly with no consideration for target, deliberately she shrieks like a banshee.

Julie: THIS IS FOR ALL MY...wait, whom do we have here?

Pat: this is serious business, she's using whom...

Julie points it at the bullies on stage.

bullies: hey. hands up. our hands are up. let's be cool about this. we were just joking around the whole time, the whole four years, it's a rite of passage.

Julie: bullies change lives for the worse. it's an unnatural realignment. they shoot and kill confidence out of a lifetime, stray otherwise cogent timelines away from their intended destinations and destinies in a shocking upswing curve. take me. how do you think i feel being a ginger my whole life in a blonde world?

Pat readies his stance tho his knees tremble. using his one eye as a scope. he licks his tongue. he takes a few practice swings. the golf ball is floating right in front of his full wet lips.

JUST THEN Flowers comes back to school! he barges down the flap doors, yanks the watergun from Julie's soft hard watermarked strong powdery hand, and does not remove his thick-rimmed glasses to look cool. he'll need those.

Julie: Teacher! what are you doing here! *she wink-winks*

Flowers: I'LL SHOW YOU COOL!!!!!!

Flowers shoots the watergun at the bullies with hard ropes of water and douses the fuck outta em.

Julie turns her head around and shouts from across the room:

Julie: NOW, BABE!

with the bullies distracted and shielding their eyes, Pat drops the golf club and with his finger in the air directs the golf ball to shoot with 100mph hardness into the bullies' crotches. one ball for all the crotches, looping and looping back and looping back again. the bullies have been incapacitated without uttering another ugh.

the crowd would cheer but nobody has any fucking idea what's going on.

Julie: okay, everyone, look at me, look at my eyes, well nevermind all that, you came here to DANCE, right!?

Flowers: THAT'LL LEARN YA TO DISOBEY MY COMMANDMENT THAT YOU HAD TO WEAR PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT GOGGLES IN MY CHEM CLASS AT ALL TIMES!!

Julie: thank you, Mr, Flowers, you may leave now.

Dirg: that wasn't your pee in the watergun, right, Flowers? careful, don't display the black-power fist unless you really mean it.

Flowers: as a white man all i'll say is i'm in solidarity with the looters. this place needs to burn the fuck down. start over. with a black student council. not those white bullies on stage. if it remains those bullies on stage all hogtied up there on top of the totem pole this world will go down in a heap of ash like a forgotten sniff of clay in the desert. as my macular-degeneration eyes grow older i'm opening them up for the first time. i care about my kids, i don't want the gravestone in my backyard to read i was just another ear-hair gammon. a cycle ricocheting like a droplet. don't Tulsa this school!!! make the world safe for plants again! now let me die in peace.

Julie: ladies and gentlemen, Vitamin C!

Vitamin C: so folks, i know you were expecting trip-hop like Portishead but i'm here...

Julie: you've got me thinking, Mr. Flowers. Mr. Flowers? where'd he go? and so i'm introducing the first man into the Orchid Club Girls, Evgeny Shtorn!

Michel Weiss: Pat and i are more like chaperones. *hands up* folks folks can't we all just get along? this is for all my homies whom been with me and i've been with since jump. i've seen Rodney King through the ages. look at me, listen to my words, look at my lips, i have a college-level english vocabulary. British, actually. Instagram is like your home, you may abandon your house but it will be there forever. if you're dead, your Instagram serves as your eternal vigil.

he opens his eyes and sees everyone has long-since cleared out of the gymnasium, all kneedeep in dirty water.

Michael: and now for my big speech. *clears throat* you know that's a first, folks. i've never cleared my throat before a speech, before i was about to talk to the masses. never once. i've seen it in cartoons but never done it in real life. this is progress, this is growth...

Julie: well the prom was a success! and you were great out there, honey!

Pat: is my crotch all wet from my pee or the watergun shrapnel?

Julie: oh no, babe, you're dry!

Pat: and i'm dry cos of no sex. please give my lowly penis an Indian burn, i don't know if i'll ever see you again after this!

Pat closes his eyes, drops trou, and gets ready for the best tingly sensation of his life. but before he can flinch to the new touch, he disappears into thin air...

President Bump is bunkered down under the covers of his Cream House bed alone watching the tiny tv across on his nightstand, President Lincoln ordered him out of the Lincoln Bedroom so Bump instead takes the doggie-bed:

Bump: what sorcery is this? NOW The Weather Channel is sending its agents out to cover...thunderstorms? thunderstorms. i thought this was the middle of hurricane season! do i need to unleash the massive unquenchable immense undamageable show-of-force of the universe again? the best army ever? MY army? my unparalleled fleet? of hurricanes? hey can someone give Edward Colston a scuba already? young people still read history? i know what it's like holding your breath underwater to flee from the press. nothing but golf balls down there on the sandy bottom. i even put my hair in a Colston bun...

Laertus: we millennials are the most put-upon and mocked, but in many ways we're the most inspiring. cos we've always been in the thick of it. we've never not known mess, complexity, disappointment, and a longing for the past. we've never not been in a crisis. a crisis that is the culmination and result of eons of others' history. we're asked to clean up the mess...

at the Igloo, Gladyce has a surprise for Doryce:

Gladyce: we're moving out!

Doryce: why?

Gladyce: cos that's what an adventure entails. that's what adventurers do. but it's awesome cos i used to move alone but now i have you.

Doryce: my passionate pretty pet poet.

Gladyce: i know you've been sore about not being able to go to the Dutch Grand Prix. so here's something better: we're going to Keukenhof!!!

Gladyce: enjoying yourself, dear? i barely saw you on our vacation! did you take in the Pac-Man exhibit?

Doryce: Pac-Man? i fucked Pac-Man! that's how i got that V for my vagina.

Gladyce: no the flower-design display. you mean you rolled around in and on the yellow flowers of the Pac-Man flowerbush.

Doryce: no i took over Sue's job. mini Pac-Mans on the way scrolling across your screen. and while i was down there i picked up ten stray golf balls on the sandy bottom of the lake.

Gladyce: that's impressive, dear, considering the gardens aren't a golf course.

Doryce: oh yes they certainly are! it's a golf couse all right look at it! it's just all the holes and mini-windmills are covered up by the impressive rows of flowers of all the colors of the rainbow and some colors incapable of being seen with the human eye. but seen with the witch eye. i'm gonna donate these golf balls to Nice Guys High School for their protection during these difficult times.

Gladyce: as well with all our love, support, and spells of protection.

in the parking lot:

Dirg: don't knock Boston Market, Takahashi, just cos it's Boston. they have those cool black diamond raised square plates like they're from Benihana.

Takahashi: hey Dirg, the dill leaf from your Subway sandwich. put that dill leaf back in the ground in the grass you're eating your picnic on. for once in your life do something for the environment, GROW something!!!

Dirg: i'm trying. so whaddaya say, Madame Pons?

Madame Pons: no.

Dirg: please. i need this. this is my last chance to have a normal life.

Pons: huh. sigh. fine. one date. what did you come in here for anyway?

Dirg: oh, soap. i need my man soap. you know about all that stuff, right? Ponds? Dove? yeah that Dove For Men is fake news, it's just detergent. i need me my Dr. Squatch Man Soap, real soap for real men. that's not detergent. i use the rum bar to rub...

Pons: well you certainly look like Sasquatch. i mean that as a compliment...if that's possible. yeah i like the handsoap here at this Walgreens On A Hill. i need to protect my hands for spells, can't use a bath bomb for that.

Dirg: oh yeah, i get a big jar of the stuff. you know most people wash their hands with bleach. yeah that hand-soap looks like cum...i mean...

Pons: it's okay. change is hard.

Takahashi: all i want to know is how Sprite Ginger tastes. haven't had it stocked since covid…...and they still don't have it here!!!...

Pons: i forgot to have lunch...one time, not all the time just this one time...and i took a Vanquish at noon and didn't feel anything in my stomach the rest of the day. no hunger pangs. pangs of guilt still tho.

Eye Luggage: Pepcoin? it should be called Pepsicoin...you know, for PepsiCo...

Gladyce: dear that reminds me, can i borrow that coin you have in your hand for the DIY self-grooming doggie bath here at Walgreens? my cat familiars are getting restless...

their first date is at Unoppressive Nonimperalist Bargain Books in NYC:

Pons: remember what i taught you. i'm a witch, not a bitch.

Dirg harasses the hippie bookkeeper there later admitting he was jealous of his hairbun.

Dirg: unimpressive. they didn't have the comics collection i thought they should have. where's the Ashley Wood!!?

Pons eventually becomes manager over there in the empty summers to help stock her Lush for winters. hand-sanitizing the public doesn't pay the bills.

Pons: strike one.

Macy's finally opens up again and Dirg is there first in line to buy Takahashi a leather Dopp kit. he should have been there to buy Pons a gift.

Dirg: remember Taka buddy, always be a man. be a man in a motel bathroom when no one's looking. hey, at least i didn't get it at The Leather Warehouse.

Madame Pons: Dopp kit, cooler name than toiletry bag. strike two...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: i just realized Space Jam was a Ralph Bakshi movie...

Laertus: and now the Juneteenth in Jason's Lyric means more to me, i am here, i am mute, i am listening and learning...

Eye: oh and never forget! never forget the mnemonic paintings. the all-black mnemonic paintings, as the tensions die down so will the memory of those who died...

Dirg: hey. come on. you gotta give credit where credit is due. the actions of NASCAR saved a black man who was short of breath...

Eye: The Prince of Tides and go...

Laertus: i always get Nick Nolte and Busey confused. Nolte can act, Busey's the crazy one.

Dirg: see? a gammon can do good work. i mean i dunno, he looks a certain way...

Laertus: without a doubt Nick Nolte is the finest artist to EVER come out of Omaha, Nebraska...Omaha, Nebraska, not exactly a hub for actors...

Dirg: cept Peyton Manning.

Eye: Nick's a dreamboat in this! just don't go on a date with him, he'll drink all your supply of GHB like soup...

Laertus: give that man a pair of cop cuffs instead and leave him now on the streets to his own devices...

Dirg: in Nick's defense, he thought it was that other alphabet advocated by Dr. Sanjay Gupta. he had just seen Life of Pi. CBD isn't just for cats and dogs...

Laertus: it's like the guy who goes to the circus and sits in the stands wearing one huge bulbous clown shoe on one foot for protection...

Eye: people say Barbra Streisand did a good job directing this. of course in the original book the psychiatrist scene was, like, one scene.

Dirg: you mean Joanie Sands. now that's a porn-star stripper name if i ever heard one...and i have...

Laertus: i don't blame Barbra, it's hard. you think you know a man your whole life. it's difficult to find out the kids were right and he's a pedo. using a drug not for its intended purpose doesn't help. Milius Loyalty can only go so far...

Laertus: yeah but the rest is old-timey boring Southern stuff we've seen a billion times before.

Dirg: and a million now. i mean who here hasn't wanted to fuck their psychiatrist on the couch? suck her while you're writing the check and tearing it off? kiss her while she whispers sweet nothings of advice in your ear? she's the one person who actually LISTENS to your plight in life!!!

Eye: up, mother's racist against Jews. this is what would have happened if Gone With The Wind were allowed to continue to the present age...

Laertus: don't feel bad, Nick, all the great artists were suicidal. just means your sister writes some damn good poetry...

Laertus: i know it's the '80s and everything---well late '80s---where the answer to everyone's problems was to move to New York City---hicks and Hartford-habitaters alike---but that IS the answer. everyone needs to get cultured. life is too slow in some places. we all gotta Bob's Burgers it.

Laertus: we lived directly on top of a tidal plain, the rip current was a bitch. life in the tidepool was...dangerous...the three of us kids made a pact whenever mom and dad started violently fighting we'd skedaddle and jump in the water. and hide at the bottom...too bad none of us could swim...never did see those golf balls...

Eye: okay that's pretty clever, the matriarch feeds her abusive husband dog food.

Dirg: i've had to learn how to develop a taste for ALPO in my time, i'll need it going forward. thankfully dog food is better now, The Farmer's Dog is like a gourmet meal.

Dirg: okay let's give it up for George Carlin. i mean right? i wonder if he did this to show himself he could. play gay so effectively. like to prove to himself he wasn't an -ist.

Eye: Carlin was down with the brothas from jump. the clubs, the nightclubs, the underground clubs, the jazz clubs. jazz and SNL! he was the non-country Willie Nelson. George knew about being silenced...

Laertus: the gay lisp, like the fried voice, doesn't actually exist...

Laertus: the father was a real asshole. he was like if Sling Blade was competent and knew what he was doing. it's that signature fisherman spit when he talks, from being out on the water too much. the spit of spiteful spiel. so what if your son is a girl? girls are better! I CANT BLIEVE THE FATHER LIVED TO BE A GRANDFATHER! SURVIVED TO BE AN OLD MAN AND GRANDPA! was sure the trauma came from that father being killed. like by the oldest son who was the only one not afraid of him. well whaddaya know, the older brother was killed by the government for being a protester...

Eye: that was some fucked-up shit. yep, male rape, that's the cruelest of them all, the most traumatic, female rape is almost blase and predictable and forgettable at this point. that's Barbra's real-life son in the role of her son. i'm sure his rudeness in the film is just an act in the script, not taken from experience. you wonder if Barbra cast her son in the role of a football player to hide the fact from the press that she knew he was real-life gay.

Dirg: Tom can't concentrate, dem gams tho. The Southern Way, not a minstrel show, just Jeff Foxworthy.

Eye: line should have been:

Barbra: laughing at everything? do you know who i am? i'm the original Funny Girl. 

Dirg: and when they first meet Tom asks Barbra if her nose is the result of being thrown a football at it. whoa woman that's a little forward, you just assume Tom will coach your son football in exchange for the shrink fees? you were just using him! Tom's a football coach but no relation to the ESPN anchor. i take it Barbra doesn't make sandwiches in her real kitchen, too...

Laertus: it's okay to cry, Nick Nolte, real men cry. Tom is crestfallen not that his wife is having an affair, but that it's with Chris Martin...

Laertus: snooty father of the shrink's kid. a crabby man.

Dirg: fathers fathers everywhere, not a good one on film..

Laertus: during the candlelight mood dining scene the two men should have had a Faulkner-off, whoever can't come up with a quote loses. that's the REAL South! it's weird cos the woman Barbra's husband is having an affair with looks like Tom's mother when she was young...that had to have been deliberately Freudian...

Dirg: "Camptown Races" everyone! still missing a scene. the one where Tom holds the art-fag's violin bow and sticks it up his ass unless he stops cheating. even tho HE is cheating with HIS wife...

Laertus: holding that priceless Stradivarius over the balcony like that as if it were Vanilla Ice's ankles...

Eye: Tom should have let it drop to the ground below and shatter in a million wood chips and his line is:

Tom: sorry, i really didn't mean to do that, i was a quarterback, not a wide-receiver

Eye: you know why adultery feels so good? cos it's taboo...

Eye: oh and there it is, Laertus! just like you say! the word fuck is said demonstrably in place of make love. this happens in EVERY '80s movie! and it only happens one time each movie! for emphasis!

Eye: oh that's hilarious, the boy plays the violin like a maestro in the middle of a full train station and nobody stops to take notice of the Mozart in front of them...

Dirg: fuller than Grand Central Station now...even tho GCS is open now...the covid conspiracy really fucked up the world, put fear in people's heads forever...

Laertus: i love it when you talk French off a menu, i have no idea what you're saying so it sounds dirty to me. we'll always have this verson of Paris. imma take these two menus back to our room...

Eye: this entire love story wouldn't have happened if that were a paperback dictionary...

Dirg: the mother was the one who did the stabbing of the back...hey i would have buried my attackers in my own backyard, too...all of my family are buried in my backyard...no i mean officially sanctioned by the Catholic Church, they all had their funerals there...

Laertus: the Catholic Church caused slavery and 400 years of racism...

Laertus: and when the sister finally wakes up from her dissociation, the scene goes:

Tom: what did you see while you were under, sis?

sister: aliens...

Eye: oh come on! it really is a missed opportunity here! missed the adventure. Tom should have chosen to be with Barbra and an exciting brave-new-world life in New York City, taking a scary leap-of-faith Kierkegaard-style instead of just returning blandly to the old staid ways of the South and the cloth and the tree and the cloth over the tree and boring farm-life where Family kills you. to his dysfunctional marriage for the kids. take a chance, Tom, live and love with the gay and the divorcee!

Dirg: not better, just longer. like my cock. a man really should have a wife and a mistress. no i mean out in the open, out on the divorce-court steps. it really would save on cab fare.

Dirg: hey, this is coming from me now: George Michael's "Monkey" is a GREAT song. not racist.

Laertus: yeah but what are you gonna do, it's the Reagan ending. return to family. return to tradition. he wasn't a bad father, just a damaged one...

Dirg: Lowenstein, a prayer? doesn't exactly roll off the tongue...

Takahashi: Prince of Tides? okay but there's gotta be a better name for this. it sounds too much like this film is Aquaman or something. i would have gone with Our Mother Who Art In Heaven...…...g'night, folks...

Pat re-forms and materializes in an empty schoolroom isolated, no one else here. there's only one chair in the middle and his butt is in it. he hears a voice...

but will you reform?...

three in the room. Pat and his parents. the desk in front separates them. the mother and the father are together. the father and the mother kiss robotically. they speak into each other's lips instead of kiss...

the father: so good to see you, the mother.

the mother: likewise, the father. i mean same as the kids say.

Pat: but i don't...

the father: it's so good that this brought us together! i missed you, the mother. have you been schooling our boy on chem?

Pat: sorry, i never went. it's boring. you always needed a keycard to get in the lab. i know magic instead, that's what makes life livable.

the father: you are woefully underprepared to pass the entrance test. that's why you will stay with us all summer in this hot room until you can get into Princeton. college prep, it's a course unto itself now...

the mother: a class...

Pat leans back in his chair. tilts his head back all the way so he can see the rows of cyclical cylindrical tubing ceiling lights in the wayback of the room. he closes his eyes. thinks back to all the times he felt adequate. it was more fun to be inadequate, that's when he got help. he thinks about graduation, the graduation ceremony, he cringes when he thinks about it being at the track, he can't go through that, be back on that ground, the memories are too raw, too harrowing. his poor feet's memories. his poor toes' memories. that brown hot red curved track surface will remain in his forever nightmare. the white lines undulating from his toe's-eye view. he thinks about who his new roommates are gonna be in the dorms next year. he'll have one who's a ginger who never says a word but is anything but mute, he's a genius. he loves Conan O'Brien and didn't pay a cent for private school cos the one school-nurse thought he was defective for the red hair. and another who's a fat Iranian. played in his high-school band. plays the tuba for college football games now. music saved him, got a scholarship---no scholarships for public-school kids---he tells Pat music, not singing, kept him out of trouble, didn't become another unwed father. tells him he had a vision once of God Himself playing the glockenspiel with the Goonies. at which point Pat counters that that was probably Bach...

Pat: *softly to himself in his head* who knows, maybe all this pain will be worth it. maybe i'll be a professor some day. but i'll miss Julie's touch over there. it's a missed opportunity, a fixed point in time which will never return across the multiverses. i'll never know as long as i live what a magic handjob feels like...










Monday, June 8, 2020

TMIT: WHAT IS THIS?


it's that thing that looks like a skate but is really a Larry King Microphone from that cover of Nine Inch Nails's first album Pretty Hate Machine

1. what is your phone screensaver at the moment?

Xavier Renegade Angel and the thought bubble above his head says NEW PHONE WHO DIS. PHONES ARE OBSOLETE? THAT'S THE SPICE

2. what's currently on your playlist?

1. Keane "Sovereign Light Café"
2. Soft Cell "Sex Dwarf"
3. Nine Inch Nails "A Violet Fluid"
4. Jackson Browne "These Days"
5. Alanis Morissette "The First Emo Song Not By A Washington, D.C. Band..."

3. what are your last three internet searches?

1. planets only
2. how to live life
3. Vernon Chatman's Guide To The Afterlife (podcast chat)

4. what is your favorite sandwich filling?

hot dog...

5. what is one staple item all men should own?

a rum bar of Dr. Squatch soap...

BONUS: if you couldn't be convicted of any one type of crime, what criminal charge would you like to be immune to?

prostitution. i mean i'm already a male whore by trade. or Good Time Boy as my red-hat-wearing neighbor calls me. or The Boyfriend Experience as my priest calls me...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, June 5, 2020

IS CAKE BREAD?



notes:

* yes. it's iced bread. now go tell the fellas at Last Stream On The Left, i'm not getting involved in this. and let me know when the Satan show is starting up again, we need something before November...

* Biden: i wanted to say, like 75% which is the truth, but i still want to get elected...

* Jimmie Johnson reppin' Cali trying to fight the good fight. and that dude from Vegas, which is West enough. but it's NASCAR, you can't expect much.

* the Keukenhof Gardens from my half-home country, The Netherlands. the last Secret Garden on earth left before climate change ravishes everything that was ever once holy and indigenous. this place is filled with the most beautiful and beautifully-arranged patterned ornate flowers all the colors of the rainbow so bright Crayola markers are jelaous. and tricky waterways no lock nor marsh nor windmill could improve. it's like taking a picture of a painting, which is a redundancy. keukenhof means kitchen garden, which is what we all need to do now. to grow out of the boredom of covid. then it needs to be a Victory garden for the war against racial injustice. no, i've never visited The Netherlands or Dutchland as i call it. no i've never visited El Salvador, sadly too dangerous. i will never have the money in my entire life to travel. unless i become the kept boy of that rich woman from Cocktail. you know Tom Cruise when we was lost in New York. but not yet lost in space. that is my desperate dream: i want to be the kept boy of a rich sophisticated creamy woman with wavy brown hair, milfy, hot for 60, in heels and the daughter of a faux-furrier. whose ancestors settled here form the Africa Tea Company. in Manhattan in the early '80s, as we trip the light fantastic about town. she's known as the Hague Heiress cos she lays down the law...

* Skyler is a typical Tyler. he was rejected by Tom Cruise himself. for the Top Gun role after any household roles. Skyler thinks his crucifix is a gold chain. his boss wants him NOWHERE NEAR him, the boss like all of us are getting ready for the Bruce Lee doc. Skyler's girlfriend resents being called a Karen just cos she's Jon's new girlfriend, i mean she's never had a bob-cut cept when she was dating Bob. the brother doesn't want him and he got the job over Skyler even with a monytail. his elderly mother thinks it's spelled Skylar. and she traded away a waterpic and bleach for a spice rack, vanity over health. and dental health. Michael is a real man. he eats a KitKat bar like a sandwich! out of a raisins box! only Karens give out raisins for Halloween. what more evidence of pimpitude do you need from Michael! spoilers: that's Michael Jordan's son...

* yeah see thank you adult swim, eventually everyone realizes that they in fact DO have to pick a side...and you chose the good side...

* the world isn't a hologram, it's a 4000-piece puzzle. and the most perfect 6, the Friends cast. well not that perfect, i mean do we need another NYC show? we got Seinfeld, set Friends in Detroit and see what happens...

* you have whiskers, not a cake. you are not a dj. you want a way to stand out in the crowd? the Looney Tunes red circle. table. a baby starred in a music video think about that. it will clear out the cobwebs of your ear mucus.

* if you shame, people will act. if you inspire, people will change...

* hole for chairs when you go on holiday? you're not gonna get robbed while away on holiday, the robber has tracked your global location and wants to party with you, not be in a dusty house. waiting on that vaccine, scientists. we need a booster shot? is that like the Game Genie?

* what about that bird that is the root of all your problems?……...no, it was a real bird who ate your ice cream...

* and suddenly this becomes Children of the Stones...:

adult son: how old do i have to be before you stop telling me i have to go?
parents: as soon as you stop going in your pants.
adult son: pudding pudding pudding…...i'm trying out for Family Fortunes...

* you drive back naked. but that's not the point, the point is your car is backwards. i knew it, all cops are Owlmen. congratulations, your bed finally has no more sheets...

* Carl: this is not a dress...but those are my hot nuts...on the table...

* Carl: i WOULD hit a guy with glasses...and really fuck up my knuckles...

* Carl: i love dogs. not like Michael Vick. young people today only know Michael Vick as that guy on tv who won an Oscar for that documentary...and their dad went on his amusement-park ride that one time...

* the New Jersey Giants practice social distancing!!! cos they never tackle!!!

* Carl: you could put a coffee-table-book on that stripper's coffee-table graduation hat. i don't put drinks on strippers' heads...

* Carl: most strippers are PhD candidates...i learned that the hard way one night...see i never talked to one before...

* there's a fourth there...…...there's...

* Carl: when they say they "have a boyfriend", it's their manager. got my foot run over. couldn't collect cos it was already in a cast.

* Carl: i always wash my feet. it sucked cos that was the day i met Jesus.

* Carl has inspired me to go into statistics...i'm gonna change the numbers...

CLICK HERE

THEN HERE

AND THEN HERE

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: CHIPOTLE! doing the curbside thing again. the mall's still not open...but technically open, you can get queso curbside...all the kiosks still have to wait for the Macy's to open...like having college sports without students...after all you need a Macy's bag for that burrito...





Wednesday, June 3, 2020

PAT'S PREP: BOUND AND UNBOUND



Biden steps up to the podium. and clears his throat:

Biden: Black Lives Matter. George Floyd. see? easy. picture this, America. make THIS your Kodak moment. look at me. look at me here up on this stage. you turn on a small tv at work and you see my face on your screen. me at the press conference. and i raise my hand. and in that hand is a vial of the vaccine...

Phil from Nike has gone by many nicknames: Phil Swift. Swifty. Schwifty. and simply The Runner. but he's settled on the one which he will keep a lifetime: Kid Icarus.

Kid Icarus: *on the phone* Kaep?

Kaepernick: what is it, i'm busy. i have no more career for simply protesting...

Kid Icarus: we're prepared to offer you free shoes for life. you don't even have to do another commercial for us, we love you that much...hey, take it from a barefoot angel, that's a good deal...

Kaep: um, can you get me my job back in the NFL again?

Kid Icarus: wait on the other line...…...good news, Kaep, we got a quarterback opening...Drew Brees has decided he WILL retire after all...

Lea Michele is on her soft red sofa rotunda awaiting a call from her crisis manager. her phone is like if a white Persian cat were a phone:

Lea: you do one nice thing for them...…...i've been through enough! my boyfriend didn't want to be here with me! i am a sauce heiress!...…...hello? is it you? Kelly Ripa! i need your help!!!

Krist Novoselic is captured on drone footage moving a pallet of bricks to the open street of a great American city, he runs away quickly after. he's dressed in all-black but he's so tall he's still made out. Kurt Cobain arrives on scene and promptly spraypaints each brick with a red FOR COPS...

Cotard has a new bistro on campus, Montrio. where he prays with the local ministers. and pays the greens fees and fines of and goes to jail for that one local Bump supporter of the medieval cafe who opened ONE week before everyone else did. Cotard is constantly with eyes closed but he sees it better than everyone. when President Bump stands in front of Montrio Bistro with a bible in his hand, Cotard knows what to do:

Cotard: how dare he interrupt my beauty prayer. my minister meditation. i don't want to make an uncle ruckus so i don't reveal my position to Codrus's dummy. *snaps fingers* i know what to do.

Cotard sends out Asta to confront President Bump:

Asta: you have my grimoire upside-down! that's mine! this book means you have no power! no magic! gimme that! *yanks it*

Bump: kid, your voice is so damn grating!!! that's the most annoying irritating voice ever conceived!

Asta: no you. that's YOUR voice! at least i help people...

Michael Weiss is welcoming Alison Bechdel into the fold:

Michael Weiss: you don't love me, you just love this novel technology of Instagram to reach me...

at the Igloo, the crones are in separate beds...:

Gladyce: i hope you're wearing protection, dear...

Doryce: no need, i'm fucking Solace In The Wind under my covers. he's my own personal Skinny Aquaman from the tv. hey do you blame me? i got no Dutch Grand Prix this year...

Gladyce: no i mean face covering. wearing is caring. you're tilting at windmills on marshes and river locks, dear. i've got a real warm body under MY covers……...Justin Trudeau. how you doin? i'm sure you don't mind the cold...

Justin Trudeau stares blankly for a full minute...with those dreamy eyes...

Gladyce: do you love me, Justin?...

Justin Trudeau is speechless for a whole minute...

Michael Weiss, welcoming Rebecca Solnit:

Mike: you gotta be a speedreader when you're on Instagram...

Takahashi and Dirg in the Isuzu Elf in the parking lot:

Takahashi: Smile Empty Soul. great band, terrible name. i mean you really got to think about your name when you commit to being in a band your whole life. it's gotta be more than a brand, it's gotta be a name that means something. that's complex and all-encompassing of your sound and soulful...…...Smile Empty Soul? the more you think about it...you know?...there's just gotta be a better name than that...

Dirg: lead singer was destined to be in a band. father was a sound tech. and lead singer sings about how much his dad sucks. i like lead singer. i can relate to relying on tech.

Takahashi: how was it?

Dirg: in a word...magical…...

there's a Walgreens that's plum in the center between the high school campus and the college campus. this is a very special Walgreens. it's on a big steep inclining hill where the three winding municipal roads come together at a point. it's impossible to park and keep a parked car in place so everyone treks over there on foot as if it were a mountain-climb.

Lance Armstrong: i traverse this Walgreens by bike but that's neither here nor there...

Pat: it's an intimate place, an intimate space. a square on a hill, a fort. and when you enter it, it's a haven of secret drugs and secret brands and quiet potions and milk in glass columns and maps on the ceiling and dainty devices only available there, the prize of the spelunker who sacrifices to make the treacherous trek up.

on this particular day two lost souls will meet at this Walgreens while the shrubby area around the hill is covered in fog and the store itself is awash in a blanket of mist:

Dirg nudges into Madame Pons at the shower-mat-and-Christmas-cardboard-house aisle:

Dirg: Madame Pons? please let that be your real name.

Madame Pons: have we met before? in another life? in another timeline?

Dirg: no i think i'd recognize that...…...face. i'm trying to be good.

Madame Pons: you will never be good.

Dirg: *surveys the land with his hand* i love this place. golly-gee man alive. woman alive. the air up here is so refreshing. and thin like you. i mean you're fat in all the right places. this is where i get my Vanquish. it's weird, you'd think it'd be sold everywhere, it's so popular with the legal college kids, but this is the only place in the tristate area to find it!

Madame Pons: the local college kids, too...

Dirg: i cherish my white boxes of Vanquish. it's my booze. i rub my cheek on them and kiss the rolltab label. finding Vanquish here i covet the box by covering it with my vampire cape before it can be redlight-scanned.

Madame Pons: and redlined...

Dirg: and my eyes turn red. it's like finding the Holy Grail after a long journey. the Ice Holy Grail. White Yoda. Hoth Yoda i'm not a racist. like finding the Abominable Snowman's a nice guy after you have a chat with him in his cave...

Madame Pons: yeah i admit i've popped a Vanquish or two like Winter tictacs. when i'm trying to suppress my natural urge to eat meat. but the store generic brand works just fine, too...

Dirg: you bite your tongue, woman! then take more Vanquish for the pain. the tongue pain. there's only one Vanquish, the stuff's legalized cocaine pills! i hear ya, girl, on natural urges. what the feminazis don't realize is it's the natural urge of men to fuck...

Madame Pons: tell me about your father...

Dirg: how'd you know?

Madame Pons: call it a hunch. not a hump. i'm a licensed sensualogist…

Dirg: okay i'll forgive you this one time because even i have to admit Tom Cruise is cute. well, i hate my father. he was a mean monster and always will be. but i miss him, too. well i miss the idea of him. like i miss having a real dad, i want my dad but, like, another dad. it's like that commercial...

Madame Pons: you analyze commercials? why?

Dirg: that commercial with the son and mom and dad in a happy family unit in an airconditioned unit loft somewhere in Bellevue or Seattle, somewhere near the headquarters. a wooded apartment lost in the forest somewhere, cos places like that don't exist in my world. that father is so tender telling his son how as a kid in the '80s he used to stomp Goombas with no care in the world. and the kid reciprocates his father's tenderness---cos like father, like son, the tender DNA genes---takes time out of his busy boy schedule to design a game TAILOR-MADE for his dad that includes the Goombas of his youth. THAT's what's considered a birthday present in this household, not another skateboard! now THAT's a gift! THAT's a gift from the heart! a gift of love! sigh, i wish i had that with my dad...

Madame Pons: they say Goombas are shit, but they were made from shiitake mushrooms...

Dirg blushes.

Dirg: okay, date over, we did the whole thing in line. on line? we conducted the entire affair whilst the two of us were waiting in line. so whaddaya think? am i boyfriend material for you or what?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: make Bubblegum Crisis an '80s movie!

Dirg: also, this is the perfect time to break out the original line "Fuck The Police!" from Mister America...

Dirg: come on, black-signal hand-fist Instagram emojis on your feed? that's the best you got? the best you can do? and they're not even brown, they're yellow...

Laertus: hey i'd love to be out there amongst the protesters marching with them.

Dirg: and betwixt them.

Laertus: but my legs are unhealthily and unathletically skinny.

Eye: you know, outside. just back from goth ride, what up. you know it's amazing, i went down to the arts district at Cannery Row and a beautiful painting out there smack-dab in the middle of the road was taking incoming traffic. it was merely an easel holding a square of black paint, a painting of all-black. but it's a button, you know? a jog. the flood of images comes back. go back. to what you were thinking before. thinking about now. remember. every person who sees that painting sees a different thing from their life: the BLM books they need to read now, helping out black small-business, elevating a black voice on Instagram. it's this reminder that stops you in your tracks in the street, you drop your four large Macy's bags and think about the Cause again, the Movement. time to march again, time to think about all those poor souls we lost......it's a trigger. but a good triggering.

Dirg: it's like Americans are being invited to one big Garden Party. i mean i am getting flooded on my insta with all the little white girls who are in this thing just for the black cock. i guarantee you, the celebrities have the hardest job, they have to parse each and every one of their words so thin like parsley before it's woke enough for them to hit SEND. it's a full-time job for a celeb to keep politically-correct and not say the wrong thing despite their natural urges. especially if they're white. but even if they're oliveskinned...

Laertus: admit it, you'd take the calumny in a comment from one clown who called you soft or a faggot or friendzoned cos you were Sasha or Maiara or Melissa or Issa Rae's roommate instead of boyfriend if you got the chance to be...her roommate! and be next to her all the time!

Dirg: hell yeah in a heartbeat. i'd go find where that commenter lived and punch him. now that's canvasing for office. i mean i get to wake up each morning, go downstairs, and Sasha Grey is in my kitchen twirling in her gypsy skirt making me marked-wavy-by-heat-waves sourdough toast with purple jam...

Eye Luggage: Space Jam and go...

Dirg: Michael Jordan CAN act, folks!!! off the top. it's weird tho seeing Mike kiss another hot-black-woman actress playing the wife who isn't Juanita. like Juanita just should have played herself here.

Laertus: i admit i had no idea Newman from Seinfeld was in this. and for that matter, as random as you can get, Patricia Heaton and the guy who voices Homer on The Simpsons. just cos.

Dirg: why is Bill Murray in this? he adds no value. like he's literally the guy they pluck out of a hat for him to be a character in this cos...Chicago? i mean it literally looks like this was done as a favor to the boss from the top cos the executive is Bill's good friend. there's no point in Bill Murray being in this.

Laertus: also in the stands should have been a skinny teenage Elon Musk in full braces-headgear and Lance Armstrong t-shirt and Johnny Depp/Leo DiCaprio X cap ranting and raving and spitting about how he wants to go into space to find the planet where only cartoon characters live...

Eye: it's a good thing they didn't do this while Jordan was a baseball player cos......i mean he'd have to really be acting then as a basketball player cos he doesn't play basketball anymore......just kidding, i'm not just a girl, i know, i get it. it was this film, Space Jam, which some say spurred Michael Jordan on to restart his basketball career and win those last 3 rings. he wasn't mulling a return, he was still all into the trappings of his baseball and father, but reading this script got him in those comfortable basketball shorts again...

Stephen A Smith: best part about The Last Dance? Willow Bay. i said it! remember? everyone forgot about Willow Bay...

Laertus: next time you interview her ask her about what her husband knows about The Toy Story dude...and if it filters down to Nickelodeon intro cartoons to animated films...

Dirg: let's get this outta the way now: soundtrack. pretty hype, right?

Eye: all the dopest rhymes and freshest beats of the day. of the '90s. only rivaled by the The Last Dance soundtrack...cos that soundtrack is all '80s...

Dirg: what kid's only dream in life is to play for North Carolina?...

Dirg: hey son! you're pretty good at this basketball thing! all those balls are going in the hoop! and that's not a camera trick! you're a little kid but with the right shoe, you can do anything...

Eye: Jordan can act. i love how he wrinkles his eyebrow whenever he's bemused.

Dirg: Jordan's best line: beep beep

Laertus: don't call him bald! don't you DARE call Jordan BALD!!! that's the WORST thing you could ever call him...

Laertus: okay so the cartoon aspect of this. Looney Tunes are great and a great choice and all but what if they had gone darker? it was too light and airy. they allude to PED use but why not just come out and directly address the issue head-on. show Yosemite Sam with a spike in his arm. the Monstars were obviously juicing…

Dirg: yeah, show Bugs Bunny's urine test, show him peeing on camera…...peeing orange...i didn't say Lola's...

Laertus: Swackhammer, they should have had Wayne Knight do his voice, Newman does a GREAT evil voice, as a contrast to his real-life bumbling doofus counterpart in the movie.

Takahashi: Moron Mountain? they've GOTTA come up with a better name than that...

Eye: did you know Lola Bunny was introduced in this? everyone thinks she was created in the '30s.

Dirg: it's not Lola per se, it's Lola in those short shorts. i've cummed to her so many times but i defy you to show me a presidential candidate who hasn't. i mean let's be honest: Lola Bunny created the first furries...

Laertus: and of course this film predicts a virus will sweep the NBA and the world and shut everything down...

Eye: let's talk about Jordan's NBA friends in this...

Dirg: his homies...

Eye: i mean first of all, Larry Bird. remember, kids, Larry Bird was BIG TIME at the time.

Laertus: shoulda kept that line in the script where Jordan tells Bird on the golf course,

bitch fuck you. for giving me that scare. you gave me a heartattack almost beating me with that hole-in-one...now you have all summer to work on your golf swing...

Eye: Charles Barkley's hilarious linereadings! and Shawn Bradley. cos. just cos. the token white dude. but back then that was nbd.

Dirg: let's face it, Muggsy Bogues. this is the best time he ever had in the NBA. i mean how could he have had a good time being so small and knocked around the court all the time every second? and Patrick Ewing with that shimmy and shake as he was being possessed...

Laertus: in all seriousness, we hope Patrick Ewing makes a full and speedy recovery from covid. and for fuck sake, MAKE PATRICK EWING THE OWNER OF THE KNICKS ALREADY!!!

Dirg: give Bugs and Daffy a proceeds of all the merch sales. Patrick Ewing on the psychiatrist's couch. that's next week. talking about the "problem" he's having which is an allusion to him not getting enough sex affecting his play. except they use the line "getting it" "getting enough". sly. it's gotta still be PG, kids!

Dirg: wait was this supposed to be a 3D movie!? i forgot my glasses!

Eye: i love that catcher, literally cheating cos it's Jordan, telling him what the next pitch will be. that's how they do in the minor leagues, folks, this ain't no Bull Durham!

Dirg: sorry but that elongated Jordan arm at the end looks scary, creepy, unnatural. like bubblegum...

Eye: will the Tune Squad win again? find out NEXT time when LeBron takes over!!!

Dirg: yeah so this was Who Framed Roger Rabbit for kids. g'night, folks.

Eye: wait…...LeBron's on the line with us here in the studio...making a house call to our podcast...he says he won't be able to do Space Jam II cos he'll be busy the rest of hs life explaining racism to Drew Brees...

Eye: and so we have Lori Loughlin on the line as the replacement. Lori Loughlin! girlfriend! babe! what is going on with you! what the hell was this whole affair! what's with all the sturm und drang? you coulda just copped to the plea, done your TWO MONTHS, and be over with this thing a LONG time ago!

Dirg: yeah, your mother needs you!

Eye: Fuller House needs you!

Dirg: dammit.

Lori: fuck Catherine Bell. those were all MY jobs. i've been working out in prison, on the rowing machine, i'm coming for her cakes!!!

at the prom Pat is in his Sunday best, on Saturday…:

Julie: you look so spiffy! let me tongue that twirling bowtie for you. did you talk to your mom?

Pat: no. my dad wants me to talk to my mom more but i hate that cramped room.

the bullies hulk up on stage. the stage of the basketball court where the DJ table is. and knock the pile of records to the Maplewood hardcourt. like crossing animals. they form a line encircling the entire dance like an army invading its own country.

they single out Pat from amongt the crowd.

bullies: you! golfboy! show us what you got!

as Pat is about to take out his balls, Mike steps in...

Michael Weiss: my hands are up! hey hey, fellas, let's diffuse this situation. before things get out of hand and constitutions are shredded. i mean have you noticed why are there so many train emojis on Instagram, it's weird...

JUST THEN Julie takes out a gun from her chihuahua purse and points it at the bullies...