Monday, May 31, 2021


Berkeley vibes, where you dip your paperback in your morning coffee. and by morning we mean 4AM.

1. if you had to lick a stranger's sweaty armpit everyday for the rest of your life to save the life of your significant other would you do it? (thank you Master of None)

yes if the stranger is Roger Federer. i mean do you see him just now out there on that sweaty French Open court? i mean i thought he would lose in the first round nobody has seen him IN 5 YEARS!!! not even his wife. 

Roger Federer is not like us, his armpits smell of lilac brush. he's a very reasonable kidnapper, he sits down with his captives and has coffee with them. Swiss coffee, which is just melted chocolate.

2. what is something you escaped from? 

Tom Cruise. he wasn't expecting me to give him a Spider-Man kiss on the way up the zipline as he was coming down the zipline.

3. have you ever done an Escape Room game with strangers? did you solve it and get out in time?

three times. with "Strangelove" by Depeche Mode playing in the background. once on Bob's Burgers, once on Clue. and then there was that fateful time i went with Janeane Garofalo when we were still dating and hot 'n' heavy but that was the event that triggered our breakup. so many embarrassing things happened that night, things we can never take back. i see peglegs in a whole new light. when it was all over i lost my woman to the vagaries of Hollywood but i gained a newfound appreciation for all those actors and actresses forever nameless toiling away at the Universal Studios giftshop and dinner theatre in vests.

4. what is the strangest/craziest DM you have ever received?

Tom Arnold

5. do you DM strangers? why?

the only way to make friends

6. do you watch Stranger Things on Netflix?

no but i just finished watching Mermaids so i saw the mother's childhood

Friday, May 28, 2021




* at the Friends Reunion:
Matthew Perry: the reason i can't talk is i got emergency dental surgery literally two minutes before this thing was taped. i'm not slurring my words, i ain't no drunk.
Phoenix: yeah i know what that's like, my tooths have been the bane of my existence since my baby teeth.
Matthew Perry: i had this all through the run, i got major anxiety when my lines didn't land a laugh, i would start to flopsweat on my brow from flopping and i peed green right there in my pants.
Lisa Kudrow: only i knew about this, hence the inspiration for "Smelly Cat".
Matthew Perry: i'm being treated for GAD and general Joker craziness at the Betty Ford Clinic.
Phoenix: i have anxiety, too, but instead of drinking i just die.
Dirg: does getting a vaccine make a man emotional?

* i have one of those silver tenderizers from the '80s, still do, it survived, it has spikes in it like the movie Pinhead. more dangerous than a hammer, more dangerous than a gun.

* the princess from Princess and the Pea gets a Better Bedder:
Princess: i can tuck the pea in the side now. i tuck also my remote, my mascara, and my lover's penis in the side-pocket, daddy taught me that...

* the Blue Buffalo lady i recognize her!.........from some adult swim short or some '80s series with a doctor, a lawyer, or a cabbie eating cabbage.

* Doryce: what do you do when your tow-man locks his keys in his tow truck? tow his penis...

* the Spanish Shriners boy looks like the English Shriners boy but leaner and less enthusiastic about the towel.
Dirg: no street tacos are lean-beef tacos.

* Takahashi: the BTS meal does NOT include Mulan Sauce, Dirg!

* woman from the Dr. Pepper Threesome Space Team: we are not doomsday preppers. since i'm a woman scientist the only thing that defines me is all the stalkers i've had as boyfriends. the two men on the team wanted to experiment with me in the lab and i forced them out the airlock.

* Santa's only language is magic

* Nesquik Bunny: are you a farmer?
DK Metcalf: i'm vegan. i hurt my legs running to the Olympics to hardcore punk. when you entranced, Nesquik Bunny, i thought you were a brown dinosaur.
Nesquik Bunny: are you a DJ?
DK: you dumb. 
Nesquik Bunny: drinking just milk with no orange juice makes one dumb.
DK: don't be flashing that bunny-sign in South Central unless you want to be venison.

* Prince Harry: do you see me? i'm trying out to be a professional wrestler, they're the only ones with true freedom of speech.

* Herve Villechaize: would you rather be ugly and free from mental illness or the reverse? the Hunchback of Notre Dame tragically grappled with this his short life.

happy weekend, my babies


Denny's, for the Nashville Hot Chicken. we've been waiting years for it to be indoors again and i'm gonna go in there and get it to go...

okay i don't know about you but what i need right now is a Coke float, Tostitos strips, a big bowl of queso dip, a medium powdered donut, and a spa. know any local Hawaii? one of those volcano-fed spas... 


Wednesday, May 26, 2021


at the Friends Reunion, the Gin Blossoms stare at a fish swimming in a blender full of water.
Ethan Hawke: i'm still get my Jim Morrison on.

ATP Uncovered: remember when you watched This Week In Baseball?
Roger Federer: we never had a Vin Scully of tennis, despite John McEnroe's objections. i wish i had the time to leisurely watch an hour program each week to get caught up on the minutiae of the ATP Tour. i really want a behind-the-scenes of Zverev's toilet to see if it wears a mask when the lid is up.

Emelie Hollow: i'm like Bjork. except my mom's not a wood nymph. i was born in a forest hollow tho.

Kralice: thank you, we're the real Bible, not the Gnostic Bible. the real Chalice of Christ. Christ was a Turk. Jesus would lead the Young Turks today.
Laertus's dad: Cenk looks like a guy i went to St. Cyril's with...

Gina: we gotta get in shape for summer.
Pat: oh Gina, baby...
Gina: don't call me baby.
Pat: Gina don't be superficial. 
Gina: i know but the sex is better when the bodies are harder.
Pat: yeah but what about the spelling test?
Gina: they still do spelling tests? spelling won't matter when computers hit.
Max Kellerman: i have to agree, slightly. you will have to spell the name of your spellcheck right.
Rosie O'Donnell: i refuse to get in shape. that's the most empowering thing a woman can say ever at this time.
Pat: i got a very special place i'd like to take all of you that will combine and merge all the themes this week.

Michelle Williams: you're surprised i had depression? EVERYONE in show biz has depression, that's part of the deal.

Eye Luggage: it's quite uncomfortable for a goth like me for it to be 8PM and i look up at the sky and see a bright shining sun.

Paul L Smith: i KNEW there was a reason Delocated was my favorite show...

Severide: for a very unique mustache-ride on the blade of a musketeer.

Bette Ford: why wasn't I asked to play in the live-action Ferdinand? come on, Disney, you gotta show a little blood.

Mardith: i want my wedding to be New Agey like that Wonder Years episode "The Wedding". then i want to move away to the Northern Exposure tv show.
Madame Pons: but i'd miss you terribly.
Mardith: don't be so Lisa-Loeby, visit me whenever you wish, live with me, just wear a hat.
Madame Pons: i can't wear a hat, the world must see my purple hair.

Dirg: why do they make it so hard to recycle? the blue-bin man only comes on that very specific date: Friday at 5AM. no time else. all other times he's far away his truck up in the Simi Valley Hills...

Lizard Wizard: dinosaur shakeweight...

Annie Stegg: my stag parties involve magic deer, not Satanic deer.

Phil Mickelson: don't talk to me till i put on my shades. i prepared for Tron before any human. 

Emma Malonelord: Maggie Malone ended up being my mom. Maggie Malone, would have been Annie but she despised acting. Maggie Malone from St. Cyril's, the best place in the world!

Amy Tran: no, the tea woman.........i do write a blog tho.

Mardith: you're not officially married until there's a line on your Wikipedia entry about your wedding.
Kenyatta: not EVERY city makes it to Wikipedia...

Miranda Cosgrove: i only did the iCarly reboot to get the money for North Hollywood, today's Gleaming The Cube. those skateboards mounted on the back of the iCarly set were not for show!
Jennette McCurdy: no i'm not the spokeswoman for Jenette Bras.........tho that would have been perfect.

Max Kellerman huffing and puffing and clutching his knees: Pat i think i'm gonna do the Fifth Avenue Mile, i can't do another jogathon...

Madame Pons to Mardith: hang out with Jillian Clare and Maiara Walsh, learn from them, they are empaths, they feel the pain of the entire world. they take the time to check in on their followers.

Laertus: all art accounts on Instagram have to be commentless now in order for the artist to truly post truly express the art they want to show. ridiculous.
Dirg: no spraying the Statue of Liberty's armpits, man.

Dirg: so only women want to feel clean in the bathroom? oh really?

Safeway: you can get your covid shot here! AND 20% OFF ALL ABUELITA POWDER! also get your Peyronie's shot here! that's what that giant banana in front means!

Dirg: i got a crush on her.
Laertus: it's a trap. a jillion other of her subscribers has a crush on her.

Lilith Czar: Billy's song "Czarina" was me, Corgan had a crush on me WAY before we were labelmates.

Jack Tripper: you know how Three's A Crowd could have gotten a second season? Kottabos.
Dirg: yeah that's like a kiki, right? perfect for Jack Tripper.

Michael Weiss wearing a Luffy straw hat: if you watch a person's Instagram everyday for 10 years, it's like you've lived their life. not vicariously, you've ACTUALLY lived their life. no need for a telescope and pirate patch.

Evelyn Y Davis: i just wanted to be a stage showgirl, a flapper into freak, a Barbra Streisand reciting Shakespeare in a cocktail dress.

Kyle Jesus on SNL: all my homies hate Mami-chan...

Dirg at CVS:
Mardith: all the promise of an entire world in that one shot, and that hole is so tiny.
Dirg: the same could be said about you......just kidding.
Mardith: that bandage on your shoulder is so small.
Laertus: your employer should give you a day off to get the vaccine.........and a day off to recover from the vaccine.
Dirg: they had one bathroom in that entire whole huge cavernous warehouse CVS Superstore and it was plonked right there in the middle of the brown yellow-brick-road carpet, open from the top like an office cubicle, like a second-vaccine-administration booth. it was so embarrassing to have to go.
Eye Luggage: it's weird seeing aisles on carpet. but also comforting.

John McEnroe: it's not like i want NO line-judges. just robot judges. you know how fun it is to argue with a robot judge?

Dirg: i'm scared of women with L.A.-writer's face.

Julia Stiles: John Jay Hallway was our love shack.

Madame Pons to Mardith: remember, girl, California psychics. California Psychics. actresses can never skip their dental cleaning, keep that in mind, young Mardith.
Dirg: i'm just sitting alone in my room wondering to myself, 

what would a strong woman do with me? why would a strong woman want to hang out with me?

Doryce: i finally figured out how to take out Mardith's trash! WASH the trash first! THEN dump it in the trash.

Dirg: i spotted this tiny short Spanish cutie named Vanessa at The Store, she was trailing me at every booth and aisle, then i met her at the service booth where she worked for The Store as she took one hour to check my I.D. and confirm i was who i said i was cos she thought i forged the check to a $300 purchase. soured me on her after that but i still asked her out. later i removed a sharp-edged rock from under the path of her parked jeep.
Laertus: why are you buying $300 worth of groceries? you don't have a girlfriend...

Gladyce: it's a coup whenever i fit all the frozen food in the lowest compartment of the Treehouse refrigerator boxes and all.

Rubikon: one thing's for sure, when you get done watching My Life As A Dog in a windsor chair you will know EVERY village in Sweden. the Swedes know more about American history than we do.
cat familiars: we felt so bad for Sickan, leave that poor dog alone! he's not meant to SIC he's meant to be SICK AND CARED FOR! he's experienced so much trauma. even BEFORE the whole Laika thing. those mascara-stained fur-under-the-eyes of his.
Gladyce: i've seen those toasters that flip the bread over, only available at Sweden Macy's.
Doryce: BAMA! meet me in the Swedish town of Some Wedding...
Dirg: at least the kid didn't have to sleep with the old widow...
Takahashi: let's everyone calm down and go to White Castle.
Eye Luggage: when Ingemar gets off the train the two caretaker-guardian adults are thinking

why is this little boy traveling alone on a train with a suitcase heavier than him?

Dirg: i'm sorry but no French-toast recipe calls for it to be cooked in cum.

Sasha Sloan: we are all only children.

Paul Pierce: my dream since i was little was to run a strip club. no niblings ever.
Snowpiercer: we use the same stripper-trestle as Requiem For a Dream, right, Jennifer? 

Mardith: Dirg we're done, rare moon tonight.
Dirg: i did like how you motioned the vaccine jab as a side-back-and-forth blowjob in your mouth stretching your left cheek.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Aileen Quinn: Pig In A Poke, both me and Teen Titans Go. Annie is a kid for both millennia.

Eye Luggage: Perfect and go. get Billy Corgan out of the podcast booth! the 1985 film.

Dirg: speaking of Pig In A Poke, look at John Travolta's pokie! not pokies like on a woman but a man's pokie which is his cockhole seen through his short-short '80s shorts in the gym working out aerobics.

The Jersey Journal: we're the New Jersey version of the New York Post.........just think about that for a moment, wrap your head around that one.
Trae Young: I DON'T CARE!!! i'm young! the concession trays are back that's all that matters.
Tyzik: hey it's Rolling Stone Magazine again! like in Almost Famous!
Eye Luggage: i find this fascinating, i do believe this is the only time the actual real-life editor of Rolling Stone, Jann Wenner Himself, is in a movie.........acting as HIMSELF IN REAL LIFE. 
Jann Wenner: yep, i mean i don't even do that for Almost Famous! if i had been in that film i would have been played by a character actor.

Quentin Tarantino: this film is an UNDERRATED GEM. it's so overlooked and panned as canned and campy and bad but it really is a great little movie full of sound deep themes! it's not about flesh! it's about the mind. and ethics and stuff. and those cameos are out-of-sight BOOM right there IN MY FACE BIG on the silver screen!

Quentin: let's talk to some of these people.
Mira Sorvino: can we PLEASE remove this pathetic excuse for a man OUT of the podcast booth?!!!
Quentin: Jann Wenner. what was your favorite part?
Jann: the ending. did you see that ending? when i'm shaking my penis and rump and ass all around in a grey aerobics suit and sweat-headband like everyone else in the movie. when i shed the stuffy suit-and-tie of a music man.
Quentin: i know, THAT ENDING. that ending seals it!!! it is SO fun!

Quentin: Anne De Salvo.
Anne De Salvo: why didn't i become a bigger star? i make you salivate. not just when i wore that gray leotard. where's my gum? i'll break your balls with my gum-chewing mouth and heels. i am WAY sexier than Linda Fiorentino and Marisa Tomei!!!

Marilu Henner: i memorized the script before it was written. see this was back in the day when i was REALLY hot, on fire like my hair, Taxi hot, when i turned men yellow when they tried to touch me, when i was known for my tits instead of what i'm know for today: my brain.

Laraine Newman: imagine if GILDA RADNER played this instead of me.........that was a joke. so you see life is all about comparison, as Glanzelius from My Life As A Dog teaches us. it's not all about the balloon glands. on the original SNL i was the babe of the group, but when compared to Marilu and Jamie Lee i'm the runt of this litter. i still got face but my boobs leave much to be desired, BUT I DON'T CARE! that's why i'm funny, which lasts longer than gum.

John Travolta: my mom's in this.........or is it my sister?

Carly Simon sidles up to Lauren Hutton in the lobby:
Carly: which of these two blondes didn't sleep with Eddie Murphy?
Lauren: don't you have a kid's show to get to?

Laertus's dad: Sports Connection was an actual health club, i visited it in L.A. when i was there.
Laertus: is that where you met mom? looking all Jane Fonda?
Laertus's dad: it was a singles bar dressed as an aerobics experience. but there were no orgies like Hollywood says there were. no bacchanalia in the backroom. no Keith Raniere. it was basically the '80s version of a cult, harmless stuff. MetLife before Snoopy swooped in and swallowed his best friend Woodstock.

John Travolta: Stephen A is jealous of Spike Lee's hat. i'm too nice and Italian to be playing a scummy character like this, it's not believable, my face is too handsome to be other than the leading man. i wrote obituaries in real life.........for my mom or was it my sister?
Dirg: who's the babe at the front desk in the beginning? cutie clerk.

Dirg: yeah i mean i don't get why there are two stories. the whole boring SVU sideplot with the businessman drugdealer is a snoozer, why is it in here? should have just been the grinding of the pelvis.
Eye Luggage: it's to show John the reporter is moral and a damn good writer if he does say so himself. he can be trusted with the truth, he will keep secrets, he will be trustworthy with sensitive materials in his short-short pockets.

John Travolta: okay is this exercise? aerobics? or just plain porn. is all this excessive gyration necessary? 
Jamie Lee Curtis: yes, for copulation. the copulation of health.
Dirg: you know it's L.A. when the aerobics studio has TWO levels with stairs.
John: wanna go out?
Jamie Lee Curtis: i don't know, you look like Michael Myers without the mask.
John: it's the whole Emersonian Society, you know? people need to take care of themselves, government will NEVER do it for them, i mean we got the oldest corpse man ever in the Presidency, Reagan the Re-dead. The Mummy. no mommy state. humans have to fend for themselves, join their own cults to survive. fitness cults.
Jamie Lee: now THAT's a pickup line!

Jamie Lee: the world wants a prequel to this film, right? it was gonna be the story of me and my swim instructor when i was the tender age of Olympic hopeful. it's perfect to come out this Olympic year. to make sure NO girl athlete or not becomes a sex slave or takes shots from their male coach. i was very vulnerable when i was young, not the strong chick you see today.
Madame Pons: nah you were just a young girl in love.
Mardith: i hope to swim like a nun mermaid one day. 

Eye Luggage: OMG that computer! boxy and big like what computers during the Tron world would have looked like. 
Jamie Lee: wanna fuck?
John: the two greatest words in the English language, music to this writer's ears. okay but can i use my rubber hose? you have to relax your butt muscles or anal ain't work.

Laertus's dad: OMG the Chippendale dancers! now see back then i had no idea who these mysterious exotic erotic handsome male dancers were. until i became one later in life.
Laertus: sorry?
Laertus's dad: i thought they were Chip and Dale the Disney chipmunks. 
Dirg: it's Dancing Bear CFNM before Dancing Bear CFNM!
Marilu: i hate myself in this role. i was so damn ditzy! not like me at all!

Laraine: let's see if they want a gangbang. maybe then some boy will love me? this script is depressing. if I need plastic surgery the world is DOOMED.  
Anne De Salvo: without me there's no story, without pictures Americans are too dumb to care. look into my camera and tell me you love my accent i mean you love yourself.

Laraine: Mr. Goodbar...
John: is that a candybar?
Laraine: sigh jeez, that was my one funny line in this!

Dirg: okay that was funny when Jamie Lee stops the car in the middle of the highway by the cactus and bone-horns and pretends like she's had a change of heart and will let him back in the car but doesn't on that hot desert day...

Laertus: i mean the best part of this is the Boy George convention! see that had nothing to do with the script but it's there as the ultimate background atmosphere and it works so sumptuously to have a cast of thousands all dressed up as Boy George, it's so of-the-time!
Dirg: sigh jeez, cosplay before cosplay, all that time i thought it was George Michael and was missing the mustache rides.

John: i had to go to Morocco cos i really needed a bellydance.
lawyers: this is dangerous, John Travolta, where are the tapes?
John: those tiny little tapes are so cute!
lawyers: why do you like to be in a courtroom all the time?
John: prepping for my OJ Simpson miniseries.

Madame Pons: when she's angry she swims, when i'm angry i save the ocean.
Dirg: hey, no woman should EVER touch a man's computer!

Jann Wenner: you come to the office with a baseball bat?
John Travolta: next time it's gonna be a knife like Michael Myers!

Laertus: smelly sweaty bachelor-pad couch. that instructor that looks like the dude from Blink 182 when he plays his blond dad with the blond mustache in those videos.
Dirg: stripper sidestory that tries too hard to be Pam Grier. you mean to tell me there's no juice in that club? just smoothies and underwater mermaid entertainment? those bubbles were only a fart? this is a balcony love story not Romeo and Juliet.
Pat: pat ending.
Eye Luggage: agreed. this would have been more substantial if either:

1. John really does go to jail cos what he published is the truth no matter if it hurts Jamie Lee cos the truth is more important than pussy.
2. or John avoids jail by telling the press at the Belmont Stakes that the story and his entire journalism career is a lie, he only wanted Jamie Lee's Jane Fonda pussy and will fight for love by being as secretive as the Bump Organization. 
3. either way, i needed John and Jamie Lee to go on Johnny Carson that night to tell Johnny what the hell John was thinking.

John Travolta: where were we?
Jamie Lee Curtis: you and me are in this together, in this jail cell together, we were just about to have our one-minute conjugal visit. g'night, folks.

Pat and the gang enjoy an evening at the Savoy Ballroom in Harlem to ring in the New Roarin' Twenties.........eventually. they dance the warm night away with a swarm of cicadas dancing over their heads. sweaty and exhausted they lean back slumped in their trestle chairs and listen to Confession without a monk on stage:

Josh Hartnett: thanks for staying. um, is this mic gonna electrocute me? that would not make me cute. i'm not good on the net. folks i just didn't want to be known as the WORST ACTOR OF ALL TIME, i wanted to be known for being in the a-ha "Take On Me" video as i fight off evil Mario and Luigi. that music video was the inspiration for Tron. good night. and please remember me in the morning. 

Monday, May 24, 2021



1. do you typically wake up feeling optimistic?

no. but TMIT calms me down after i spill a whole mess of gooey grandma's chickenbake all over the linoleum. i ate it off the floor before my priest saw. i had to wash the floor with my tongue. my tongue is all sticky now. my socks are messed up, too, all covered in greasy rice bits. i feel i have a bunch of balled-up socks rolling around in my nose from that smell. i had to have a chocolate crepe-stick and Cutie orange to counter.

2. do you pursue your passions?

yes, so Thurston Howell III's wife and i are gonna need to fuck soon. i love Lovey. i applied to be her hitman's wife's bodyguard but she wanted a kept boy. why can't you collect $200 in real life? 

3. if your life was affected by covid 19 lockdowns/restrictions how have you pursued your passions during the pandemic?

yes it was. let's just say Jack Tripper gives me the shivers. in a good way. my writing got better, before i had to drink non-CDC levels of rhubarb seltzer to knock my brain out enough to cause a lucid dream, now it's easy for me to slip into a pandemic dream and those are WAY wilder. i had a dream where i had a splitting headache and the the only cure was eating peas and cubed chicken.

4. is there a conversation you need to have with someone but you have avoided? tell us the basic subject and your relationship to the person:

i'm in love with my best friend's wife. this best friend is like a brother to me. i wish we could just do the movie and never see each other again after, it's just too painful. ironically we would have had a clean set...

5. fill in the blank: when my partner is around i feel ____

uncomfortable. skittish. i'm a loner, i don't like being around other people.........this marriage isn't going to work out, is it?

BONUS: are you living in reality or a fabricated fantasy?

this life we know as existence is a hologram. know who's running this hologram? no it's not Bill Gates. no it's not Melinda Gates. it's actually Pete Davidson.

Friday, May 21, 2021




* Ethan Hawke: the greatest thing i did on the Lisa Loeb "Stay" video was have that cat jump off that chair on cue.
cat familiars: pashaw.

* everyone remembers that "Stay" video, everyone knows where everything in that abandoned apartment was on that floorplan, every stucco corner, every wirerim chair, that column in the middle that obscures Lisa Loeb's glasses. this video made it safe for the dork girls and librarian chicks to come out and breathe fresh air again. there was such a rush to get in line for contacts but it was okay to wear glasses, glasses were cool, glasses made you pretty, and it wasn't an ironic hipster thing yet.

* Lisa Loeb: i did the whole the-video-is-just-me-walking-around thing before Alanis, dammit!

* Lisa: i look so petulant when i sing the lyric SO?!!!

* Lisa Loeb: i remember that shoot, that place was dusty as fuck.
Ethan Hawke: yeah sorry about that, that was actually my cocaine dust.

* i always thought it was 

i'm only here in negative

* Lisa: think that i'm throwing but i'm thrown, remember when baseball was big in this country?

* Lisa: i thought i would live forever, guys i was a teenager back then...

* i love the line

dying since the day they were born

Lisa: the apartment above us was leaking dripping water from Morrissey's tub.

* Lisa: why do you have me on my knees for the finale?
Ethan: dramatic effect, nothing more.

* Lisa: why didn't we fuck? we could have been the first friends-with-benefits.
Ethan: i really needed to catch a train...
Celine: i wish you hadn't, you ruined my life, you made my life permanent...
Ethan: i had a vision i'd meet Uma a year later. that vision came from a crazy Danish mystic...

* Ethan: fun fact, this apartment was later used for the Friends Reunion...

* auditioner: you crying?
cameraman: pollen.
Lisa: i know i know, i'm a C-list celebrity, one-hit wonder, i'm not Angelina Jolie risking her career having a pound of bees buzzing around pollinating all over her perfect face. 

happy weekend, my babies


this is tough, this weekend is gonna be rough, last SNL of the season and it's always melancholic. at the Weekend Update desk and at the Goodnights when they wish you a good summer, that's when the melancholy hits. cos i ain't going to any concerts till Fall. this is Biden now so there's no need for summer episodes to keep the republic afloat. 

so in order for my tears to blend into the water without anyone knowing i cry, i'm going on the AquaDuck, the only rollercoaster EVER on a cruise ship. it's Disneyland on a tub so i'll make my lunch out of churros and popcorn.

Wednesday, May 19, 2021


blackberry winter: still no Brickleberry found...

West Side Story: one set you say?

Max Kellerman: yo Pat, that date was backackwards. but you got it together at the end.
Pat: yeah we very much enjoyed each others' ends.
Rosie O'Donnell: details.
Pat: well it was one easy hop skip jump to the next theatre, we were already in our Popeye cosplay so it wasn't hard to slip to the next Robert Evans cartoon property, Annie. Gina was already in her red dress so she switched to Annie. i was the dog.........then we realized that wouldn't work, not even in 1980 so i switched to Daddy Warbucks. Daddy, it makes it so easy.
Gina: we gotta get our heads around The Great Depression mentality and mindframe this week, especially as young people. how far can you stretch a dollar, Pat? if i'm gonna marry you one day i need to know you're a whiz with money and not just you whizz your pants. Robinhood this bitch. i can say that cos i'm a red and Robin Hood was a dark Disney movie about foxes in a forest using black magic not rave drugs. 

Takahashi: Food Wars was based on Culver Academies, you may want to go there someday. everyone on campus wears an apron naked.
Jacques Pepin: okay so DO break the spaghetti in half if it's thick spaghetti, or it'll overflow your pot. HOWEVER you will notice that when you don't break the spaghetti up your pot has no mess in it.
Doryce: i'll be honest with you, i don't taste the difference between broken and unbroken spaghettis.

Pat: i dunno, stretch my naked skinny body out, like a rack, Gina, i give ALL my dollar to you to spend! i go naked from now on, makes lovemaking easier.
Gina: that's the right answer! except for the pizza part. i'd roll the dollar into a Brooklyn slice.

Governor Cuomo holding an Excelsior pass: we New York!!! we smart!!! we ALL get vaccinated!!! ever upward!!! ever higher!!! get high!!!

Venom at the bodega next to the school talking to himself: no you can't eat Mrs. Chen.
Mrs. Chen behind the counter: where'd you get that dollar milkcard? is that some code for dating you young people use? i'm flattered and would love to. you handsome in the bodega light at night.
Venom:'s see......i guess i can date you as a cover, a distraction that keeps you from getting eaten.
Mrs. Chen: eat my pussy on the third date, not the fourth date. 

Martha Stewart: my threesome partners were Snoop Dogg and Katie Hill.
Paula Deen: PLEASE let me join your thruple! i BEG the Lord Jesus to! i yam what i yam.

Annamarie Tendler: what the FUCK did i do to deserve this?! i don't need to lampshade anything here, love hurts. fuck Bennifer 2.0. i was tender. pass the lobster tenders.
Olivia Munn: i promise i won't send him a series of thirsty tweets.
John Mulaney: we met at a megachurch, those churches aren't real churches.

Dirg: the adult swim facebook has zero comments now...

Lars von Trier: Shadow Lawn? that was my home-away-from-home during the Melancholia shoot.

Jade Fever: we want the Victorious reboot! not on Nickelodeon. on HBO. not HBO Max, HBO.

Fonda Lee: the best parts of Jane Fonda, Amy Tan, Canadian sci-fi anime, and both pools.

Thimble Islands: we did the Olive Oyl costume first. 

Knocked Loose: when you don't want to be knocked up by a dentist.

Woody Allen: the only work i can get now is on Teen Titans Go. i invented a brand-new DC villain out of whole cloth, the PP Goblin. PP as in waterworks in bed, not pet peeves.

Martin Bashir in bed at the nurse's office that's been there since the 1920s: you're only finding out about this 30 YEARS LATER?!!!!! mate i'm seriously unwell with covid.........whatever you do do NOT give me propofol while i'm sleeping!!!!!!!!!!  

Michael Weiss auditioning for live-action NBA owner Bart Simpson: eventually all the Instagrams have to come to an end, right?.........

Dirg: all i want is my White Claw camping party like everyone else. 
Eye Luggage: 5 friends or 6 friends?
Laertus: Summer Squad! let's compromise, tho, it has to be at Joshua Tree.

Mikey Day throws his clipboard down on stage in disgust.
Mikey Day: GODDAMMIT!!!!!!

Sally Mann: i had to be harsh like a man with my subjects if i wanted to bring out their feminine side. Billy Corgan stole from me.

Cecily Strong: that last SNL episode before summer is always so damn melancholic...
Dirg: yeah cos you're not actually gonna go to any summer concerts cos you have no friends. gotta wait for Smashing Pumpkins and NIN on stage at the same time till September School which makes no sense.
Michael Che: i wrote a sketch having The Avengers killing an unarmed black teen, but Lorne said no. 
Eddie Murphy: that's bullshit. back in my era of the show in the '80s we did stuff like that all the time, it was no big deal. the only thing i'd be scared of doing now in your generation is if i'd have to go inside the 4th Dimension...

Roger Federer: never thought i'd be on Family Guy.

Roger Federer wearing a cowboy hat: the only thing i know about Dallas is Debbie.

Max Kellerman is nervous as he waits on line at the Bob Fosse Studio in Manhattan for his Beastie Boys audition...
Sout: salty Max got picked over me. i'm not British, i have the fancy Mid-Atlantic accent.

Cardinale caveman: i tried to do the Popeye laugh but couldn't.
Laertus: you can't stay mad at someone when it's their birthday.

Doryce: bought 12 pairs of boxer shorts but i only wear the 6 dark ones. 

Dirg: i tried to do a DTIYS but i didn't know what my style is, i don't know who i am...

Louis Wain: i'm the only person with schizophrenia who ever lived a long life. i created cat familiars. Aimee Lou Wood gives me wood.

at a destination wedding in Manhattan Beach:
Wolfgang Puck: i don't have much to say anymore on anything ever since you got that electric can-opener to work.
Sherry Yard: i'm still taller than a turtle.
Aang: not my turtle. my turtle is too big for this ocean.
Edward M Ines: that's ines not inches. i need good teeth to bite down on my wife's cooking.

Chris Matthews: why is all the shit going down in Pennsylvania?!!!

Eye Luggage: leave Henry Cavill's girl alone. i mean why be on social media if you're her? you already won, you bagged Superman. the world is jealous and hates you, you don't need to type one word.

Mardith: only when Starbucks gets the green check by its indoor dining will this thing truly be over.
Seth Green: i'm an old man now. like i'm an OLD man now. i look haggard and unwell like John Goodman does now. I CAN'T KEEP PLAYING WITH TOYS!!!

Dr Fauci: i'm too tired to banter with you, Rachel Maddow, i am SO tired. no i can't do your garage podcast, sorry.

Madame Pons: i found my Sendak roll where the wild things are. there's even a slot for my breath-mint tin.

Rosie O'Donnell: why is it that our only arcade is a small room with one air-hockey table and one cabinet of Anticipation behind the back of an abandoned corporate warehouse building the front a facade of four rows of broken glass windows.

Erlanger: the real home of Early Cuyler.

hypertrophy: the trophy you get when you complete Mario Kart.

Milo Ventimiglia: so nobody looked at the Robot Chicken shirt i was rocking! it was metal! these are regular-sized shorts for the '80s.
Rudy from Bob's Burgers throws his inhaler at his own face.
Milo: i'm trying out for Space Jam......the Michael Jordan Space Jam.
Dirg: aren't you playing that dude from the Crystal Light Aerobics Church in Orlando who was trying to hide his Peyronie's disease in his shorts?
Milo: i'm playing my father, that was my father who was the The Sports Connection instructor in the '80s.

QAnon lawyer: my defense is simply in honor of Mental Health Month.

Dirg: hey Mountain Mike's! you want to be beloved like The Pizza Factory? well first thing you could do is allow skateboarding!!!

Jacques Pepin: i wear my blue Gloria apron all the time forever. with the mushroom on it cos the only way to deal with the pain of losing my lifelong partner is to enter an alternative psychedelic world.

ikat: still not that Giant Kit Kat.

Jillian Clare: there's Cool Japan, but i come form the original, Cool Portland.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Robin Williams: i, Robin Williams, am the most educated human being who ever lived when it came to feeling/sensory perception. i improv'd straight from God. and yet i was born to play the uneducated Popeye.
Popeye: i'm so smart i solved cases faster than Sherlock Holmes in the comics.
Robin: i would have laughed the stuttery Popeye way if i had had something to laugh about on that set.

Eye Luggage: Annie the 1982 film and go. 

Tyzik: i have a crush on Annie, is that okay?

Laertus's dad: this was simply my VERY FIRST childhood memory, my first memory of being alive, a  sentient being on this planet, my VERY FIRST IMAGE was that concept in my burgeoning baby brain, i see 

the soundtrack to the film Annie from 1982! which of course is a longplay record. i remember the comic art on the sleeve. and Aileen Quinn's rosy cheeks on the cover. of course at the time i don't know what a soundtrack, film, Annie, 1982, longplay, record, comic, sleeve, rose, cheek, an aileen, and a quinn is...

Aileen Quinn: don't flatter yourself, i did all the work. i was able to avoid becoming a crazy killer, was able to avoid the pipeline of child-star to destruction as Alyson Stoner pods about. how? i quit show biz right after this. not my mom's decision. back then i got made fun of from the other kids for having red hair, but now it's cool to be demonic, unfortunately i shaved my head and joined a motorcycle gang. no i'm not gay, just decided not to have children cos i didn't want them to be a child star like me.

Laertus's dad: i remember it crystal like it was yesterday:

i was 5 years old, kindergarten at St. Cyril's Catholic school in Encino, didn't know it at the time but this was a haven for Hollywood mavens! all the famous people crossed this air, and on one fateful day school was cut to get out early at noon for let's-do-lunch cos a very special casting agent was coming to our damn school to cast for the film Annie! can you believe it?!  i was so young i didn't know what was going on! i just stood in line with the rest of the would-be actors! one callup and one little girl's life would change FOREVER. i was too stupid back then to know i wouldn't get the part cos i didn't have red hair. two in my class did, however, Colleen and Elizabeth Cooper. Collen had the freckles, Elizabeth had the Annie hollow-eyes. THOSE TWO were nervous when they got on stage and started to rigid-sing, their flopsweat dousing the hot spotlight. when i got up there to audition, honestly i have no idea what happened, it's all a blur now. i tried to keep the two girls calm with my famous Deuteronomy jokes.

Dirg: of all the orphan girls only one went on later to do porn. that's a pretty good average.

Eye Luggage: MARTIKA was in this! "Toy Soldiers" Martika! 

Lu Leonard: not the purple bitch from Are You Being Served...

Madame Pons: and Shawnee Smith, but nobody cares about her.

Albert Finney: people hated my performance cos no Englishman is supposed to shout and yell and carry on, we're supposed to carry on not carry on. Sean Connery yelled at one of the maids in rehearsal, that was never mentioned in the papers. Cary Grant made love to that same maid in rehearsal in front of the crew, rehearsal was where it was at. 

Carol Burnett: this was the first time you saw me act not just be funny, right? this is always traumatic cos you've never seen me be horrible and mean before, i'm always having a good time and making others feel good. but most importantly, this is the first time you've seen me be SEXY and HOT and wearing a slinky negligee WANTING TO FUCK! i'll fuck any bald thing that moves. sorry, kids, i'm a woman, i'm a woman like your mom.

Tim Curry: isn't it weird seeing me play a bad-guy heel on the heels of playing the ultimate good-guy in heels?

Bernadette Peters: people underestimate just how fucking sexy i am. i was the the inspiration for the play Frozen on Broadway. i mean i have the face of an ivory doll, i can sing the brakes off any man car, my body is a thousand pounds of dynamite, and i even showed my butt on Saturday Night Live.

Ann Reinking: you sexy? I am FUCKING HOT here!!! i got a dancer's body underneath if you know what i mean. i am the reigning queen! i don't care who you are i won't call you daddy. let me tell you something, Arizona is no paradise! at least Kurt Cobain breathed on me the last time i closed my eyes, i returned home. Bob Fosse was my bitch! i taught him everything he knew, he'd be nothing without me, i taught him all of his moves by teaching him MY moves in bed. 

Eye: we gotta talk about the elephant in the room, the song "Tomorrow". not the Silverchair song. the producer and director deliberately made the singing of it shorter than in the original play and didn't want FDR and wife and Warbucks singing it in a small room like a barbershop quartet cos he thought it was 


Martin Freeman: not Morgan Freeman. yeah see that's the thing, cheesy, you stupid Americans with your wrought laborious dour hackneyed Method method, it's all rubbish, we English just get on with it when we act.
Eye: that's why British actors are the best, you truly don't care, you can't copy that kind of cool, it just comes out innately instinctively from you Brits.

Dirg: at first i thought the orphanage had girls AND boys. i thought those were not tomboys in there, got confused when they all started giggling and braiding their hair and talking about boys. 

Laertus: it WAS a hard-knock life for them, can you imagine being a kid in the Great Depression? talk about hopeless. you got a mop in your hand instead of a teddy bear. you already completely rely on other olders to care for you so you don't starve on the streets, being a kid is rough, but during these times a kid was lucky if they made it past 3rd Grade. not even a Three Stooges hospital visit could erase their fate. no help. this is sadder than a Miyazaki heroine.

Carol Burnett: i'm not a mean hag witch crone, i just took my anger out on the kids, i really just needed to get laid in a tub full of tapioca pudding. i shoulda used all the alcohol i drank to scrub that tub. i killed Annie's parents cos they smoked. i'm a survivor.
Gladyce: i had the money to help those blessed little darling children, but i stowed it all away for a very special super-steamboat sail...
Doryce: pay for those kids, then you'll see what it's like to have kids, your freedom and free time are GONE.

Mardith: these numbers are making me teary. hope is all these kids have, hope and shooting stars. 

Dirg: yeah but why is Ms. Hannigan so obsessed with Annie? and why did they make the Hannigan bitch a good guy in the end? in the comics she's as dirty as dishwater. the source material is ALWAYS darker than the movie. didn't these people learn anything from The Promised Neverland when it came to kids? 
Laertus: this was one of the last PG-13 movies that had to be PG cos PG-13 wasn't a thing yet.

Annie: you see that? i could have beat those boys' asses in! i put up my dukes cos...spoilers...Oxblood Oxheart is my father...Popeye's mother is my mother...

Laertus's dad: SANDY! it all makes sense now! we had a black lab named Sandy, that's where the name came from!
cat familiars: that dog has horror stories from the Cocaine Era of Hollywood he only tells us... 

Laertus: man, cop forces Annie to prove to his satisfaction she is who she says she is...

Laertus: oh the opulent mansion! this was a direct response to the new Reagan administration, they even make mention of Democrat said sarcastically by Warbucks. and this is the 1980s! Reagan can have his opulence, Democrats are in charge of dreams.

Geoffrey Holder: okay so my character is not cool. just cos i'm from India i have to wear a silver sparkly spacesuit, jeweled turban, and make objects fly with my magic? why didn't Freddie Mercury play this role? he's from India.
Kurt Cobain: Freddie Mercury's death is what inspired me on to play music.

Roger Minami: my last name is not an anime heroine. NOT COOL, DUDE. i really had to play this role as a proud Asian just being the kung-fu Jaguar guy with the gloves and paperboy cap? sadly, Bruce Lee would have played this role if he had lived 10 more years.

Annie: who are you?
Daddy Warbucks: Lex Luthor before Lex Luthor.
Annie: see my locket?
Daddy: worthless and weak. it's split in two so that means the metal was compromised in the corrugation process. I WANT A BOY!
Annie: then fuck your secretary.

Eye: some say Grace Farrell is the main character, not Annie. 
Dirg: a woman who can cry on cue? i'm in.

Annie: presenting PEPSODENT! the toothpaste so tasty it will CURE The Depression! radio will be around for 1000 years! look at my lavalier, my locket not the microphone.
Grace: can't we keep her?
Warbucks: she's not a doll, doll. that gets me hot when you beg.

FDR: what the fuck did you fly in on?
Warbucks: want me to break both your legs? it's my helicopter. EVERYONE FORGETS ABOUT THE HELICOPTER.
FDR: i don't care my wife Eleanor will just be Oracle in the future. that helicopter is an unnecessary exorbitance!
Warbucks: i know but it's cool. there's only one in existence, it's useless. I LOVE WAR! that's how i made my first million, war bucks. and my tenth million. your socialist-agenda programs will bring this country to its knees like Grace!
FDR: i am TAME compared to what America will have to face in the future...

Laertus: the "Easy Street" number was meant to be the big Bjork all-out showstopper number of the movie with the cast of thousands and tickertape confetti but they instead made it the three of them singing and dancing in a cramped space of an apartment and one stairs like the stage production. 
Dirg: this is the first thruple. they were all related but it was the l930s.

Eye: it does warm my heart the interlude here of them going to the movies. that hit my heart, i appreciated that, i was not expecting that. what a love-letter tribute to the simple joy of going to the movies! this is what WE do every week and it is STILL joyous! i want to see all these films now in only film spun on two wheels. 
Laertus: ah, Radio City. before NBC ruined the world.  

Eye: i'm crying at Warbucks's number, when he calls Annie his baby...*choking up*...*tears* 

Warbucks: and suddenly this becomes America's Most Wanted. i am not Orson Welles. i don't want Annie becoming a spokesperson for poor kids, i don't want her becoming Paris Hilton. this is the last time the paddywagon will be seen as humorous or heroic...
Rubikon: damn this gets dark as fuck! those two robbers want to kill a kid?!
Rubikon: hey it's the Indian who saves the day, the Indian is the hero of this! an Indian on a jetpack! i want that jetpack!

Annie: shoulda had an American Express Traveler's Cheque, they are indestructible.

Eye: this is such a feel-good ending! i love the warmth. the fireworks are perfect, they really bring HOPE to these bleak Depression times, things are gonna get better, you just have to wait TEN YEARS. like covid. g'night, folks.
Annie: can you imagine me as a teenager?
Grace: strong winds. you'll bag all the boys in the yard if you know how to dance. like Singing In The Rain dance. 

Duesenberg: some housekeeping before we drive away. uncomfortable Nazi Eagle, the Arthur car, that fifth-tire that's a diamond-encrusted fifth-wheel hood-ornament just for show not a real tire, in the '80s we became a hair-metal electro-guitar.
thruxton: Thurston Howell III's bike.
Laertus: alternative theories is not alternative medicine, being wrong is not New Age, don't blame cos there's not a AIDS vaccine the way there's a covid vaccine. g'night, folks.
Eye: when it comes to fencers, there is only truth, there is no ethnicity, back then there were no reposts, only ripostes. g'night, folks.
Laertus's dad: one of my classmates was named Duesenberg...

Eddie Murphy: i did a skit where i dressed up in Annie red drag as James Brown, somehow it made this film worse. Elvis stole the cape thing from me.

Gina: it's really us living out our lives by these songs, bet your bottom dollar, what will you spend your last dollar on? me?
Pat: i just want to live in a world where a dollar will always be a dollar. not some currency-manipulation coin thing in the future compiled by computers on Mars where you don't know what the value of a thing is anymore. stones be stones forever. and let the paper follow and flow. my only value is you.
Gina: the sun will come out, you just have to wait a long time. if you need help call the warmline. 
Pat: yes. and one day Amy Tan will explain everything to us.
Gina: it's only a day away. well more like ten years. 

Michael Jackson: the Annie in "Smooth Criminal" is this Annie. g'night, folks.

Monday, May 17, 2021



Grampa Abe Simpson at the retirement castle: Louise left us. she had a nice room. and a nice butt.
orderly: died?
Grampa: no she fled with a woman named Thelma who couldn't get in the getaway car cos her blue hair wouldn't fit.

1. your first night out after covid lockdown and you catch a friend making a drunken pass at your significant other. which of the following most mirrors your feelings and thoughts?

a) ignore it, they are drunk off their ass:

that's no excuse, unless it's Purple Magic

b) alcohol is a truth serum, true feelings come out and this false friend is after my honey:

Maple Serum, cheaper Canadian drugs. yes it's a honeypot but undercover officers have feelings, too.

c) well my babe is pretty hot so i can't blame them for making a move:

this is how Alex Rodriguez is feeling right now

d) after a year of lockdown people are likely to flirt with a lamppost, NBD:

that happened to me, someone started to flirt with me outside a bar. i thought they liked me but they later said they thought i was a lamppost that's how skinny i am. i was so sad i turned on and i'm scared of the light.

e) hmmm i wonder if this friend is up for a threesome:

THRUPLE!!! all the cool kids are doing it!!! all the Congresspeople are doing it!!!

2. true or false: i am so bored with vanilla sex:

3. is it unreasonable to hope for mindblowing sex when you have been together for several years?:

the reason you're together for several years is PRECISELY for the mindblowing sex! you develop an unspoken chemistry in bed. the New England BBC Journal of Medicine explicitly states in its dry pages that those who experience mindblowing sex black out and see Jesus for a split second. for some Jesus appears as a UAP=Unidentified Aerial Pose.

4. name two things that could doom you current romantic relationship:

Zoom. cos it rhymes with doom. and Christopher Lloyd.

Doctor Doom accidentally exposes himself on zoom prompting him to be fired from turtle-slow cable and Judge Doom to be called in to apprehend him. Doctor Doom explains that this couldn't have happened cos his body is all-metal. at which point Doctor Doom and Doc Brown---the two doctors---flee in the DeLorean cos Doc Brown has been accused of having sketchy relationships himself...

5. a local sex educator is holding orgasm classes---as in how to give an orgasm. would you sign up to be the student or the demonstration model?

i live my life according to Jack Tripper. so i'd do what he did. i'd turn my back to the class, get up on the milky-white oval, take a deep breath, rapidly rip off my soft-felt cream-colored robe in one stroke exposing my 100% tight-from-nervousness naked body.........and swallow my spit in shock when i lock eyes on my two roommates sitting right there in the front row with brush in hand!:


BONUS: May 18 is World No Dirty Dishes Day, how will you celebrate?



Friday, May 14, 2021



* i'm spacey. my whole head is spacey and my cable is turtle-slow

* Anna: size doesn't matter. i'm still human, i'm married but i'm still human.
Elsa: yeah but how big is his nose?
Kristoff: are we talking about shoe size? cos i wear tennis-racquets.
Olaf: in our species our carrot is our carrot.

* Charles Barkley: why are you in EVERY SINGLE commercial, Shaq?
Shaquille O'Neal: i got the perfect liniment for your massage, Chuck, IcyHot.
Charles Barkley: wanna watch My Hero Academia with me after we do it?

* it's okay to watch adult swim again...

* i'm still not able to travel quite the way i want to so instead i watch the music video to Washed Out's "Amor Fati" and brush my teeth under a waterfall. i can't shave in a lake of silver clay cos i got no whiskers just a cat. i'm skinny enough that i can fit another in my tiny tub...

* nothingness is fine as long as it's not boring

* there's only indoor dining! no outdoor dining! we only serve food within your subconscious not without. you can enter the bowling alley without a mask only if you hit the 7-10 split while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and harmonica-mustache shouting I AM!!! to your wife of 30 years in the stands whom you promise to get a gray divorce. put a couple of waterfall razorblades and shaving creams for the road in your puffy bag.

* you don't have to work anymore. just work on yourself.

* i hate frogs now. frogs have been forever ruined for me. does not feel good, man.

* frog: i got immortal the mortal way: through good rock songs.

* Moon: a band? yeah i've heard you guys play. if you're a rock band and you want to be successful, you have to have a girl singer.

* frog: yeah thanks. we put our electro-guitar on the Pink Floyd brick as we play the flute and sax hard. tape it on one of those preschool Fisher Price recorders. 

* frog: my mom was feeling buzzed while driving cos covid was over. she's our manager. she's a nurse when she's not our manager. she sent our emo demo out to some labels but Columbia would only let her in the building if she had a penny and she had a Pepe Coin, not PepCoin, a Pepecoin. 

* Moon: you have one follower, that's something.

* Moon: never give up your dreams. unless you are dead. that's not celestial stars out there, that's graffiti.

* snail: not the Adventure Time snail. you wanted the lesbians to fuck so you have to pay for the HBO. there are no days here, infinite space/time is like covid.

* frog: Rod Serling door?
Moon: Rod Serling door.
snail: humans will ALWAYS NEED a journey of discovery...

* Logic: there can't be nothingness. once you think a thought that thought is a thing.
Nothingness: you'll see...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Medina Spirit is clean! but everyone else is dirty. so is horseracing legit? please tell me American Pharoah is still real.

keep me in mind when you ram Medina Sprit into your subconscious where no bad thoughts can hurt that precious horse. it's a crowded trade to luck on a winner in all the greenie oats and jockeys running on empty and an empty bottle of midnight bourbon cos they just realized they'll never grow. ram Jack Bauer so the dude wakes up and finally gets woke and goes to France to get culture and gets in a mademoiselle on a scooter made of bread. it's an unbridled honor to still be a race fan after all the scandals and the Woody Allen. this summer, take the risk to see a concert, see Yellowcard before they're forced to play "Yellow Ledbetter"

i'm thinking of the Chipotle quesadillas but they're so flat and a morsel. i need a big meal, a Wendy's midnight-bourbon burger...