Monday, January 31, 2022



pic above: this Robitussin commercial was, uh, canned at the last minute.

1. does anyone still eat Jell-o? do you?

it's complicated. used to. i used to.

i mean Bill Cosby and i were great friends in the '80s. we'd go jogging together in matching grey jogging sweat-pants along orange-leaved cobblestones past the brownstones in New York. i'd huff and i'd puff but i never blew down cos i had asthma. Bill would hit my back as i lumped over on the sidewalk cos he was a doctor.

then i saw Hannibal Buress's standup. but a few years went by and i decided to give Bill one more chance. time passed by the past. but i went to a Cosby show wearing baggy jeans and Bill banned me hitting my head with his microphone. not The Cosby Show, a Cosby standup-show, it was raunchy like the Bob Saget duality thing.

the last straw came watching W Kamau Bell's Showtime special. i got W's back, never thought i'd say that. i protect him from all the nasty trolls. hey i like democracy, too... 

now i don't even wanna watch jello-wrestling anymore...

2. tell us 10 things that scare you:

1. death
2. the afterlife
3. life and light
4. Jell-o
5. a Small Wonder reboot
6. Joe Rogan becoming President
7. Jordan Peterson becoming Surgeon General
8. Tim & Eric getting canceled
9. the death of Jane Goodall
10. if it turns out God is just an ordinary man

what it all boils down to, my friends *i'm singing in an Alanis Morissette voice solidarity with Trudeau* for each of us these 10 things and all things are iterations of the fear of death. and how sex cannot save us. and whether or not love is eternal. so we focus on the good things: the Commanders winning the Super Bowl, Napoleon getting out of his abusive home to become a standup comic. well our physical body fearing death anyway...

3. if you were a rap artist what would your stage name be? The Late Phoenix. why change it? if i went down the Kanye route i'd have to change it every two years. the album-printers would get mighty mad at me. how would i shorten it? Pho? La? Pete Davidson is so cool i'd invite him on my album and he'd do a diss track on his own mother for fun. 

remember a couple of years ago when Pete Davidson was talking about how he stayed clear of the SNL stage at the end of the show Kanye musical-guested on cos he wanted to keep being employed by NBC? it's amazing how these things work out. a random Aladdin sketch changes everything...

4. what is one thing you have had since childhood?

covid. i mean you don't know for sure, right? when you get covid you have to trick your brain into thinking everything is normal and go about your daily routine...

but i'd probably go with nostalgia. there's the back-brace but nostalgia. i've had nostalgia ever since i can remember. of course when you're 2 you're only reminiscing about those Chicken McNuggets.

5. romantically speaking i am A+ when it comes to ____

taking tests for the cheerleaders so they don't miss the homecoming game. 

and having sex with hot math teachers in about taking stock, the stock market, taking a calculus of your life at that moment...

Friday, January 28, 2022




* Fred Flintstone: i take my job as the Dallas Cowboys coach very seriously. each morning at the crack of dawn, not my butt crack, i have the men all line up at the quarry and they take turns crushing rocks with their calves and splitting boulders with their foreheads. afterwards i give them a little Monkey Butt to soothe their chafing. we don't drill for oil we drill for calamine. i use the pink Monkey Butt cos i like it satin smooth.

* Danielle Collins: the baby's coming whether i beat the hometown heroine or not...

* Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: what are we doing here, Steve?
Steve Blum: i know right.
MEM: i mean we live in a palatial chalet on a secret island of Hawaii where the water is always ice-blue and the palm trees plant humans in a glass pot of potting soil. we make beautiful music together...literally. i do the banjo power-chords and you do the lute bass. 
Mlem: ...
Blum: in fairness YOU have the voice. people think I have the voice but YOU have the singing voice.
MEM: why do we leave Hawaii?
Blum: cos we need to go to work in Texas to make money.
MEM: why does ANYBODY leave Hawaii once they step foot in its sands? sell your house in Peoria and stay here! this is literally what PARADISE looks like! you can't be depressed in Hawaii...

*  Scott McNeil: why didn't you ever go for me, Mary Elizabeth? look at me, i got the cowboy hat and the python tats on my pythons. and i drink bubbles. i'm a big boy.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: too cheesy. too cheesy-in-a-can. i mean look at my Steve, Blum's got the guns!!! look at Steve Blum's arms!!! those things are MASSIVE. bro do you work out?
Steve Blum: there was nothing else to do when i was living in my triangular car...

* John Hughes: see that oil painting up there? yeah that's me. well a representation of me. that's actually Ron Howard up there crying cos he's realizing in real time he'll never be cooler than Fonzie. Fonzie dies? and my dad is Charles Nelson Reilly. 

* John Hughes: the story that started it all. do people write magazine stories anymore?...

* Neil Young comes out on stage with an octagonal guitar...

* Putin: there are no aliens. there are no Little Green Men. there are only Russians. we did all that shit first. before Mulder the Foxy.

* Daphne Oz: Princeton. 4 kids. 35 years old. life is good.

* Alive (1993): scenes too intense for unaccompanied minors. the plane-crash scenes.........and other stuff.

* Lori Loughlin: i'm here for the Bob Saget funeral. the prison said it was alright!!! the prison said i could do this!!! LET GO OF ME!!!

* Alec Baldwin: only i have the cojones to go back on Twitter after everything's that happened. i'm not talking about my drawers...

* bologna bop: it's just a sandwich

* Kenan Thompson: OH COME ON!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! they name the winter storm Kenan spelled with one N. there is no other Kenan spelled in just that way that refers to anything else but me. nothing else on this green earth especially Hawaii. don't tell me about no random list, they did this deliberately to mess me up on Saturday!!!

* Dirg: i'm gonna have a good time with my friends...once i find some...

* John Gay: perfect.
David Foster Wallace: ...

* MLK: Black Lives Matter. grill that message into a McRib for all i care...

* Ukrainian soldiers: we do NOT look like Ewoks. this is NOT Hoth.

* Dove is great for making sure your employer sees your tats. Dove makes your tats sparkle.

* Jon Hamm: Paul Rudd? i'm WAY sexier than Paul Rudd. more like Paul Rid.
Apple: sorry Jon but there's no way to do more Mad Men. that was the perfect ending. you can't top "Teach The World To Sing" using soda. that'd be like doing a sequel to that movie where Richard Dreyfuss enters the alien spaceship...

* Indeed
imagine a resume that would land you a job that wouldn't be replaced the next day by a robot...

* Napoleon: i've ALWAYS wanted to be a standup comic. i wasn't allowed to be funny in my family. my dad kept calling me short...

* Progressive Sign Spinner
Mich: i'm sorry, Caroline, i've changed. i told Diane it was over.
couple: excuse me can we have some space?
sign-spinner: the problem with you guys is time, you don't give her enough time...
Mich: i swear, Caroline. a new girl has come into the bar and i'm not attracted to her at all. her name is Kirstie. yes, Kirstie. that's her actual name, you can't make that name up...
Caroline: you live in a van, Mich.
Mich: i'm a free spirit. i earn money by entering van races...

* Airbnb
Bigfoot from Harry and the Hendersons: see the show was about to be about MY family. 
Tony Hawk: Bigfoot taught me how to ollie.
Bigfoot: we can't go into the relaxing jacuzzi cos our long hair will get electrocuted. similarly we can't play Jenga cos our long hair will get caught in the hole.

*  TurboTax
blue woman: one thing i can't help you with is where i got this Game of Thrones multimedallion, this necklace is tax-free. 
tat girl: what if i own the shoppe cos i do crypto?
blue woman: i got ELON tatted on my left butt cheek and MUSK tatted on the right one but i wear blue pants.
blue woman: surprising inheritance...they transform that Blade Runner antique hotel into a Great Gatsby swimming hole.
grandma: i injured my hand drinking tea not the venus flytraps.

* don't experience America on the Fourth of July. Tom Cruise is in a wheelchair. do it in January and February, but only if you have enough money like Olympic athletes do...

* the only office with Adirondack chairs

* Lando Norris: who has the best fans?
Danielle Collins: Australia...
Lando: no i said best VANS. i'm entering van races now, Formula 1 is too fast, i need to smoke pot while i'm still young. some of my vans will have boys, too, okay? i won't betray my vans like Calrissian did with Vader's Unicorn Van.

* Derrick Henry: sorry, lady, i made you a billionaire by mistyping one word on my Insta. 
lady: at least you didn't like my pic which would have forced me to become a stripper.

* Rubikon: can i axe you a question? really, State Farm?

* Caesars: OMG! that really IS Halle Berry as Cleopatra! she hides it well i had no idea it was her! they say she's taking on more unrecognizable roles lately...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Pizza My Heart at the mall, i want to experience that line that snakes all the way around to Macy's when it's NOT Christmas!!!...

Wednesday, January 26, 2022



Chevy Chase: i'm sorry but the one place we didn't visit on our vacation in the green-eyed-monster station wagon was Deer Park Monastery, the whole point was California! it's hidden but not that hidden. we as the Griswolds all pay our deepest respects to Thich Nhat Hanh i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly.
Thich's casket is open for a month and shimmers in full soul-body with every eye laid on him by those in line. the monks are there. the two monks.
Cotard: take off the Will Ferrell San Diego tourist shirt, brother. monks are monks whatever the denomination. what are you doing to honor him? i'm eating plums all day.
Codrus: i'm eating deer all day.
Dirg: i'm finally ending the Vietnam War.

Thomas Merton enters the obscure dusty church on his knees, he is wailing tears. Tom presses his hand against the ring light in the centre of the altar turning its angle of degree ever so slightly that it transforms into the blue-paned circle window on the side.
Merton: OH MY FRIEND. Thich the man taught me everything i know. but Thich the soul-body taught me everything i knew. sorry i got ticks in my bald head, no combs allowed in the cell. i cringe at the fact i wasn't able to honor him, i still haven't shut down all the electric chairs in California, i know the pain of electrocution.
Dao Vu from The Daily Buzz kisses Merton on the tongue and the two leave Thomas walking out on his knees.
Merton: my girlfriend here and i will plant as many treehouse trees as are necessary to lift every monastery up out of the ground. financially. and also because California is crumbling under constant landslides and earthquakes. 

Tom Brady: i got 3 BodyGlove wetsuits left. one for my man Holt Hanley. one for Jimmy G. one for Cork and Russ Lesser at the Manhattan Beach Baywatch shack.
The Pillow Guy: you don't need a wetsuit, you just need to strap a pillow to your butt and trust God will carry you over the waves.
Brady: bro you running for mayor of the town of McCheese.

Elle from Blade Runner: Black Lotus: gas chamber? oh it's a good gas chamber, the gas is pink.
Elle: that all-white doll is supposed to be a superior model to me? but she got no tits!!!

Lil Wayne: wet beats? what is this, anime? that's bad, Strahan.
Michael Strahan: hey man I WENT TO SPACE!!!!!

Tyzik: why does the Power Rangers Mystic Force theme song sound like a 2 Live Crew song?

Nico Robin: why do i look like Michael Jackson?

Michael Weiss: Wendys, why do you offer Coke for breakfast? and why is Breakfast Coke necessarily Diet Coke?

The Major from Ghost In The Shell: i'm a big fan of Archer, especially when Malory talked about eternity...

Dirg: that vaping-commercial ginger redhead babe. when she talks about her clearer future ever since she ditched the vape, Truth, don't you want to scoop her up and be her boyfriend guiding without juicing her on that better future? or is that just me? she has such sad eyes that are beckoning me.

Ralph Bakshi: i want credit for that Smiling Friends princess-bomb episode. that psycho candlewax-dripping-skin hobbit was MY design!!!

Dirg: take a look at that very last shot of the last episode of Squidbillies. the dark-blue sun and the moon. those aren't craters on the moon, those are multicolored splotches. the Squidbillies came from the moon.

Joe Rogan: step into the squared circle with me, old man.
Neil Young: bro, if I don't think you're cool, you're not cool.

speedskater: i HAVE to be in the Olympics. you have to give up your spot, i'm already in the Xfinity commercials...

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: i'm like a better-looking blonde version of Linda Hamilton.........who just returned all her KISS albums for Rasputin store credit.

Nancy Grace: my husband is not a beta, it's just i like my men to be kept-boys. i'm the one who answers the door late at night when the solar-panel people come...

Doryce: Sip Club, sexual, involving the tongue, not involving free coffee, but involving hot coffee... 

Bob Saget: you gotta be who you are. i just WASN'T the dad on tv despite my haircut. i had a dirty soul, eventually your personality comes out whether you want it to or not. usually when the footlights are turned off.

Gladyce: I'M ORGASMING!!!
Doryce: YOU?!!!
Gladyce: try these FROZEN ORANGE SLICES.
Doryce: omg you're right. now i know why people like soccer.

aesthetician: i put people under with my paintings. i don't paint their bodies when they're asleep. i'm not another beauty expert on youtube, i love Fine Art!!! fine fucking art!!!

Laertus: i don't like Yellowstone, it's gonna get Bump reelected. well-written westerns are dangerous.

Maiara Walsh is going to the chiropractor for the very first time and is hesitant and nervous.
Maiara: doc, listen. i'm not into all this western medicine but Hapka is your apprentice so he put in a good word. the circus in Brazil i'll be starring in is completely outdoors in the jungle so i need to build up my immunity to foreign agents. i can't flip in the air if i can't flip my brain. 
Gregory House: ...
Maiara: whoa is that really you?!!!
House: i'm gonna manhandle every limb in your body, including your Brazilian butt. but it's not sexual, look at my hand as i mold your body like clay, see the ring on this finger?
Maiara: Cuddy?
House: she made me sign an NDA. i CANNOT divorce her for any reason no matter what. 

Maiara gets on the table but before Greg can touch her she starts to glow in her outline from head to toe, a warm blue-yellow light. she starts to swing flat, shaking her hips side to side.
Maiara: whoa it's my soul body! it's moving on its own! i can't stop it it's starting to do a hula dance!
House: you don't need me you've been cured all along! but wait let me try ONE thing.
House grabs Maiara by an obscure bone in the back.
Maiara: whoa i've never had that tendon on my neck touched before. even by me in the shower. wait hold on...
Maiara: holy fuck that was wild. i think i blacked out for a nanosecond. it's like you're snapping my neck but it ends up the only way to keep my head from going insane from midnight anxiety. that's a raw deal. 

Jillian Clare and NoizeBoy are in a circular yurt in the Joshua Tree desert. Bono is sleeping outside the yurt and refuses to wake up till he gets called by another name.
Bono: preferably Morrissey.

Jillian: your phone is ringing.
NoizeBoy: no that's your phone, remember? my phone is now your phone.
Jillian: an ex?
NoizeBoy: no a y, i understand your rules. and the assignment of being your boyfriend. all these little TVs strewn around our bunker here. look i really want you to go on Jeopardy now that it's over for Amy, i want you to start your OWN streak, i'm not just saying that, you can do it, you've got the curriculum chops.
Janice Hawthorne Timm: yeah i wasn't really part of the story. despite my gilf tits.
Bruce Timm: hi mom. put on the Catwoman suit.

NoizeBoy: your knowledge is broad like your body.
Jillian: hips get tips. it's fucking freezing out here!
NoizeBoy: oh so those WERE your large puffy nipples. i honestly thought that was the cratered-crescent-moon necklace gifted to you by Mardith. 
Jillian: it's too cold to solve a murder mystery!
NoizeBoy: there's a lot of tiny notebooks strewn around, and old ham-radio speakers. but basically all you need to know about the clues are...
Jillian: ...if they're in Wordle i can solve them in my sleep. there's a worm in your pants. a desert worm.
Bono: it was me. i did the murders. Butler, hey that's a good name for me!
Jillian: this is the perfect place for you to bust out your black lacquer guitar and play a few power chords to the cactus lizards Johnny-Depp-style.
NoizeBoy: there's one mystery i still haven't figured out.
Jillian: i'm way ahead of you.

Jillian crawls on her knees through the chimney flue which is their front door to outside and looks up shielding the sand from her eyes with her hand.
Jillian: there! see?
she touches the giant inflatable balloon Pepsi can and turns it into a Coca Cola Classic red-can giant balloon inflatable whipping in the high winds.
the crones smile internally.
NoizeBoy kisses Jillian on her trembling lips.
Jillian: i'm starting to gain REAL power here, the vote is imminent. i feel strength-lightning coursing through my bones. i just hope i'll be responsible with it.

Suzy Lu: so Kakashi, remember that whole Ricola quest?
Kakashi: oh yeah i forgot about that! let's see where were we? where'd we leave off? of course. so i needed to collect sage, cowslip, horehound, and burnet. each had their own wacky adventure. the only Sage Mode i know is the blonde lady.
Suzy: the Hokage with the big tits? that's my dream to reach her level. i look exactly like Tsunade.
Kakashi: cos Naruto isn't a Sage yet in this timeline now. Tsunade slapped me in my face and it hurt even with my mask on. she finally got sober when i told her i would rob a bank to get her gambling fees all square with Tony Soprano. the two of them had a nice late heavy dinner which she survived cos her pet is an eel. for cowslip i dressed up as that female Disney cow Clarabelle cos i had to get Goofy to fuck me. unfortunately only John Candy was at Disneyland that day so i robbed him with a gun.
Suzy: wait aren't ninjas supposed to NOT use guns?

Kakashi: John Candy is actually made of candy and being the nice amenable Canadian man that he is he lent me his body for the Ricola which is just candy anyway. my slip fell in a puddle, Marilyn Monroe retrieved it picked it up and called me a whore. i couldn't argue with her on that cos she had just penned that poetic treatise Wolves I Know.  

Kakashi: at least i didn't have to cross the puddle on my slip, ninjas aren't coordinated like that. finally i gave away all my ninja-dogs for adoption cos i developed a debilitating dog-food habit. don't worry, the sting is out of it, all the dogs are back in my apartment.
Suzy: you're sharing Naruto's apartment, huh. my messy Kakashi.
Kakashi: yeah but he's cool about it. it's a little weird living with your teacher. all i need to do to recoup the salary of this salaryman named Kakashi over here *points at himself* is win Survivor on CBS. EASY for a ninja...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Brainy Smurf: the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald...
Gordon Lightfoot: ...
Alex Trebek: i was aboard that ship when i was young...

Eye: National Lampoon's Vacation and go.
John Hughes: my novella "Vacation '58" started it all. the all franchise.
Laertus: it's more of a short story but okay.
Garp: bless him.
Hughes: there's a great picture of my whole family that accompanies my story, a great drawing illustration, it's so MAD Magazine, when MAD still did oil paintings...

John Hughes: this is EXACTLY what happened to me as a kid when my family drove me and my sister around in a crazy station wagon cross-country to...hey it's supposed to be Disneyland. Walley World? really? 
Harold Ramis: have you ever had Disney sue your ass? your ass becomes REAL skinny. for the film to be Disney-sanctioned we would have had to cut all the swearing, sex, nudity, and harmless Satanism. in other words, all the fun. remember, this was before PG-13, despite everything this movie was PG...
Bob Saget: Cut It Out

Clark Griswold: we coulda just taken a plane. or a vessel. or a sip ship. but that would have been a boring movie.
Deen from Mr. Maldark's class: i would have liked it better, i consider this movie a horror film.

Laertus's dad: there's gonna be a lot of me here, this movie hits my pit. the Intellivision graphics!

Takahashi: okay we have to talk about the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. this thing is a dime! it's a classic. i mean it's got four-eyes, this car wears glasses! i can relate as can all nerds. it's got the gas-tank in the front next to the rearview mirror, that makes it cool, innovative, and safer. Metallic Pea, that was my band in college.

Beverly D'Angelo: i don't get the premise of this film. i'm WAY hotter than Christie Brinkley! to start with, right? so what's the problem. compare my shower scene with naked Christie in the pool, my tits are more mature, more loving, they've been around the block. they're mom-tits that always point down. smooth and compact cos they know bumps. i have staying power unlike some cheap floozie in a red car who leaves at the first sign of trouble and/or no makeup!
Homnibus: psycho hobbit shower scene...

Anthony Michael Hall: i won't be this cocky soon. when you grow up, to be a teen, your world comes crashing down. adulting is hard, your wife betrays you for a robot...a wife who looks like Beverly D'Angelo my mom, very Freudian...i wish i still had braces...

Dana Barron: i was the lucky Audrey Griswold. the other one played Max P. Goofy on that Disney cartoon and died at a painfully early age. that's the thing with fame, you're allowed to be a star but that star shines so bright it explodes. that's a raw deal. she had a disease which made her look young so the cops thought she was driving with a stolen license and would never serve her alcohol.

Imogene Coca: how did i go from serious stage singer respected for my dramatic three-tone voice to getting the best laugh in this movie? when i shrug and eat the dog-pee sandwich.

Randy Quaid: this was when i was normal. which was still kinda off.

Brian Doyle-Murray: did i seem deflated during my scene as the camp counselor? i was worried the whole time on set about Belushi...

Lindsey Buckingham: i have SO much to say to Kenan Thompson. yeah the "Holiday Road" song that's stuck in your head and you don't know why, that was ME!!! my original song, how about that. my most famous song actually, nobody remembers any of my, er, group work. i needed a doctor after Mac. everyone thinks Stevie wrote all the Fleetwood songs.  
Stevie Nicks: big sigh. this soundtrack song of yours got so popular i actually had to cover it, i performed it live during my Vegas residency which wasn't canceled. i sang "Holiday Road" for Open Mic Night and that was the roughest night of my life, not any of your sex.

Rusty: dad let me handle this, i know cars, i'm gonna be a garage mechanic when i'm a teen so i can destroy with a wrench that robot that sweet-talks my wife away from me on Caprica.
Eugene Levy: speaking of steals---sorry kid---you can trust me, kid! doesn't this metalyard look like a Transformers homebase?

Rubikon: this is so weird to see. race relations were so easy back in the '80s, white people and black people were just cooler with each other, everybody knows their place in the joke, the black neighborhood is a place for rib tips and stealing rims and spraypainting HONKY LIPS on the wagon and the family doesn't mind. it's all so lax and easy-going.

Chevy: what it is. i didn't want to say that. i wanted to call them brothers.

Clark: i just got shot in a saloon. don't worry kids, it's chill, this was a real gun, the one later will not be real.

Christie Brinkley: let's do a deep dive on my character. for a while there you thought i wouldn't get any lines, huh. but i do, i can SPEAK! and speak quite well thank you. my character is a powerful symbol of every middle-aged man's regret. the philosophical alternate timelines. i am what Chevy Chase could have if he doesn't get married and have kids. it's every old man's dream to chase. to start over, pretend they're not attached, not committed, and can run free as a naked manchild again. 
Takahashi: but that car tho.
Christie: right? think back to the '80s, the Ferrari was simply The Car, the car in every boy's dream of one day owning. they knew if they had The Car they would land the supermodel for the wife. especially in Encino. i know there was a black one but the red Ferrari is all anyone remembers.
KITT: ...
Laertus's dad: a Ferrari with one of those mini-arcade-cabinets of Pac-Man in the back, those boxes were so cool, it was this game the size of a shoebox with a tiny screen and a little joystick with a red ball that all boys used to learn to drive.

Laertus: was that fruit punch or blood in that pitcher? dirty hand.
Dirg: don't make fun of the redneck hicks, they're more American than you. hey no-meat hamburgers, that's your specialty!
Laertus: her daughter doesn't have a tongue?
Dirg: will help her out when she meets Garp.
Laertus: OMG THAT'S JANE KRAKOWSKI!!! i had a faint inkling i recognized that blonde girl in the overalls but...that is wild.
Madame Pons: hey kid don't start masturbating to a magazine, that will never be a substitute for love. just a subscription that gets renewed against your will. pot on the other hand is a good way to mellow out when the world becomes unlivable in the 2020s.

Audrey: come to California with me, your marijuana is gold over there!
Cousin Vicki: no way! i'm a small wonder over here! i get ALL the share in stocks and bonds over here, this farm is mine in a few years...

Alex Trebek: the dog watches Wheel of Fortune?!!! come on! at least play Wordle which is Wheel of Fortune for sophisticates.
Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: thank you!

cat familiars: NO WAY! no more killing of innocent animals for cheap laughs! too much stress. we turn off this ghastly movie NOW!!!

Chevy: let me just rob this entire till of all the cash, it's an antique till made of gold so it won't mind.
kids: does Monument Valley have a McDonalds and a Starbucks?
Ellen: the Magic Fingers bed in this hotel is so '70s.
Chevy: yeah, unfortunately i left the last quarter on the Pac-Man mini-cabinet.

Chevy: son i'm very depressed right now.
Rusty: why is that?
Venture Bros: ...
Chevy: cos i had you. and your sisters. and your mom. and your dog. and your cactus. sorry, cacti. you want to avoid a dead-end life like mine? next time you find yourself abandoned and alone in the desert like this, you must go to Burning Man, that's the ONLY place to find an interesting wife and an interesting life.
Rusty: good talk, dad.

Aunt Edna: if i die tarp me to the roof of the car and drive up a rainbow till my lips touch a cloud, that's when i'll know i'm reunited with my dog. don't pull any of that liberal Weekend at Bernie's crap with my corpse in the rain, this ain't sophisticated like Blade Runner.

Ellen: i'm better at skinny-dipping than Christie Brinkley, have you seen Hair?

Chevy: okay gang, we're here, let's sing the Walley World song right as we pull into the parking lot. small parking lot they got here.
Ellen: my voice is not meant for kid songs, it's meant for political ballads.
Bullwinkle: Walley World will be hearing from my lawyers...

Ellen: let's not do this, Clark, this is Magic Mountain and despite that shower scene i don't want to do a Van Nuys Blvd.-style semi-porn.
Cynthia Wood: half-porn, there were no semis on set.
Clark: honey, you and the kids mean everything to me. you're my only wife, Ellen. that time i almost drove the car into a horrible intersection accident on the road it wasn't a pact i was just sleepy, like literally snoring on the steering wheel. it's a cautionary tale to never dream and drive. 

John Candy: i know that isn't a real gun, mister, it still has the tag on it.
Chevy: yeah i'm a dangerous tagger who will graffiti this whole park!
John Candy: i've been playing along cos i groove along to get along. my mantra is Bob Marley. Bob Marley was the original spirit animal. i'm just joshing you the whole time. shit, turns out these rollercoasters weren't good for my heart...

Justin Bieber: oh sure when i get swatted the cops don't do shit. but they go to Disneyland with a quickness.

Chevy Chase: one word: NOSTALGIA.
Walt Disney: i never wanted to get into the amusement-park business. but i had to make money. i wanted to be an artist, a serious painter, look at my Salvador Dali mustache.
Rubikon: for future reference, Mr. Old Money Disney, my white papa, have security guards at the park, not police at the park. and that Snow White ride that takes place entirely in a cave, you might want to rethink that.
Walt: is it dwarfs or dwarves? and is it den of opium or den of orgy? they're cave dwarfs but they're not cavemen. they're sophisticated. they have a lot of inhuman monster sex with the cavewalls dripping water but they're not gay, they're brothers. g'night folks. g'night children..........where the fuck is Tinkerbell?


Tuesday, January 25, 2022



1. i struggle with ___

Joe Namath and Suzy Kolber. do solar panels work at night? the whole art thing on Instagram, how does that work? billions of people post their art on Instagram each day and somehow they're able to have that be their only job. people buy art on Instagram? why haven't i been introduced to any of these people? how can i get a billion people from all over the world to watch my movie?...

2. what do men like to talk about?

tiny pink cowboy hats. that's what Steve Blum talks about and i do whatever Steve Blum does.

3. do you eat food samples in grocery stores? (pre-covid) of COURSE! that's my only source of a meal a day. i eat all the multivitamins and Vanquish off the shelves, the year-old cheese which has reached peak pique. and ketchup packets. folks let me tell ya take it from me, LIL SMOKIES, they are deliciously DIVINE, way better than bacon, so savory first thing in the morning, dip them in your greasy coffee. pro tip: don't go to the grocery store at 1PM, there won't be any donuts. i once saw Joe Pera at a grocery store, i ambled up to him anticipating a deep deep philosophical conversation about the nature of Nature but he told me to get out of the way, i was in his shot...

4. what don't you have figured out? shouldn't i be married with kids by now?

5. what would you wear for camouflage if you were hiding in a gingerbread house?

solar panels. there are NEVER solar panels on a gingerbread house...

Friday, January 21, 2022



* Tom Brady: now i see. why the playoff games are in January. it amps up the betting, people want to receive a large windfall of money at the beginning of the year to start their year off right...

* Lynda Barry: i am NOT just Female Robert Crumb. i'm not Robert Crumb in drag, tho i'd like to see that. contrary to popular belief Ira Glass gave ME head ice...

* Bill Hicks: i got pancreatic cancer at the age of 30? that's an old man's disease! are you kidding me, says the comedian. God was fucking with me from the start!!! my last phone call before stopping speaking on Valentine's Day was to Kurt Cobain. btw i found my contact lens in Heaven.

* Smiling Friends: well?
Laertus: i mean why did you show all 8 episodes of the season in one sitting!!! rattle em all off, it's too much!!!
Steven Spielberg: blame HBO Max. 
Eye Luggage: there's still one more unshown episode, set in Brazil.
Maiara Walsh: ...
Rubikon: where's the black character?
Dirg: dude they're not human!
Rubikon: wait the red character's the black character?!
Laertus: the best scene for me was when the boss is freaking out and cut to the long hallway and the darkened door in black and the red daddy-long-legs character takes a LONG pause to ask,

boss, you okay?

and then another long pause, that was funny as fuck.
Dirg: why is Erica Lindbeck the woman in everything?
Erica Lindbeck: take one gander at me.
Dirg: oh right, gotcha.
Laertus: Pim is adorable. and Charlie is a hero to you guys on the wrong side, he has that alt-right voice and manner to him.
Dirg: his voice is sonorous.

* come in to Wendy's! get free coffee! bring a mug that says I Heart Mom.

* Doug: Limu Emu will be back.
Limu Emu: no i will NOT. get someone else to be your Terry Richardson model. i QUIT. the human/animal dynamic was already imbalanced before i started working for you...
Wile E Coyote: same.

* Nutella: no copyright infraction. yes the pancake does look remarkably similar to Colonel Sanders. we're trying to glom onto that sweet sweet KFC bank in New Zealand.

* Phoenix: but who played Medusa?!!!
Medusa: i look fly in these shades. i'm so hot people turn to stone looking at me. all i needed was glasses? glasses weren't a thing yet during this age? coulda sworn Caligula was a glasses-wearing nerd in high school. 
Dirg: sexist. the man's jaw comes off. the ladies don't like to hear men speak.

* Verizon 5G: The Book of Boba Fett is not doing it for me, Boba Fett should be SCARIER than Jabba the Hutt.

* Apple Watch: Bob is not looking good lying down here in the middle of the woods. take a right at the one house, you can't miss it it's made of gingerbread. do not send any more BASKETS of first aid! i went ahead and while waiting for the ambulance helicopter got Bob boosted...

* we here at the NFL think a field should be a neon dancefloor. how do you prevent catastrophic injuries? have our players not play football but dance. dance more. become a digital athlete where it's just an avatar not you.

* Phoenix: what a feint! they give us the 15-second not the full 3-minute Super Bowl Halftime Show trailer. that filled my West Coast heart with West Coast Sound dreams. Kendrick Lamar is the modern-day Gangsta rapper from the mean Compton streets of the '90s.

* H&R Block: can i help you today? only through a screen of course. the world is pivoting to zoom. HEY! you're that kid from Stranger Things!!!
longhaired awkward geek dude: i just want my couch moved downstairs. not everything needs to be an episode of Friends.

* Louie Anderson: you've already forgotten about me in death as you had in life. my whole life. my entire career. from the outside it looks like a life depressing sad and lonely. a film-noir life planning my own funeral by moonlight and the sound of a gasping horn as i eat french fries with vinegar. four weeks sounds better than a month. maybe if i had been born someplace cool like Canada i would have been John Candy. but i did look like one of those tv chefs. the blackmail thing, the extortion exchange, that was something out of a Michael Bay high-speed-highway-chase plot. exciting not in a good way. too much for my heart. i always look like i've had a rough night of drinking? well i had. i don't blame daddy for all my problems, i blame King Daddy, God. my comedy was so complicated nobody understood it. only Dennis Miller got it. Dennis got the bob-and-weave circle-back aspect of it, i was an amateur boxer like Mike Tyson.  yeah i WISH i dated Jen Psaki. you're gonna have problems in your career if the only person who understands you is Dennis Miller. even today the fat man people are talking about is not me but Meat Loaf.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: now TOMORROW we're gonna have a bonafide FROZEN TUNDRA GAME!!! i gotta get the kitty litter at the mall, two barrels full, so it's either gonna be Chipotle or teacup pizza. gotta go with the Chipotle, shorter line. there are three rices at Chipotle: cilantro, cauliflower, brown. cilantro is only for spicy males. cauliflower is too avocado-toasty. and brown is healthy for you, whole-wheat rice. what can brown do for you?


Wednesday, January 19, 2022



Kyrie Irving: i got a hamsa on my hammy, you can't hate me.

Breezy Johnson: i'm not trying to copy Picabo Street.

Dirg: snowflakes in New York City?


Glennon Doyle: i will allow Cotard into my momastery, not Codrus!

Takahashi: that's Burger King Japanese curry, it's a common dish.
Dirg: Japanese furries are pretty common, too.

Laertus: your vaccination card is the most precious credit card you carry.
Dirg: even more precious than your Black Mastercard. 

Chloe Fineman: Scientology cured my covid.........i think.

Rubikon: Hollywood is a copycat league.

Kevin Durant: i am the kid.
Jack Tripper: ...

Cowboys/49ers referees: the game is over. go home. folks, don't throw that bottle i don't have a helmet to catch it in. wipe all the Nickelodeon slime off your kids in the parking lot.

Peter MacNicol: my first film was.........Sophie's Choice......yeah, Sophie's Choice.

Elle from Blade Runner: Black Lotus: the white bandage on my nose? no not a fight injury, it's a Biore strip.

Takahashi: all "fancy restaurants" serve the same thing: burgers and fries.
Katrin Cartlidge: you mean burgers and chips. try the Born Slippy! the Born Slippy Rib Burger!

Jennifer Lawrence: look i love Jonah Hill, but the guy's an idiot, a moron, and a mermaid-puss stealer, you know?

special salt: the thing only Ronald McDonald and that lady bird share with each other, not commonplace at all, the thing they both secretly hate. not about hamburgers. website: the family on there with the two kids is Jennifer Garner and that little toyboy Entertainment Tonight reporter.

Marlon Bundo: if the world and country had known about me maybe they would have liked you better, Mike Pence. not called for your hanging.
Bunnicula: still not cooler than me. i got the nostalgia thing going.
Marlon Brando: little furry animals in vice residences are low-class to me, like tattoos are low-class to me.
Rachel's mom kisses the ring.
Maiara Walsh: if the bunny's name was Marlon Bunda that would have invoked my Brazilian butt.

Bono: i mean why didn't we name the band Bono? that would have been so cool, right?
John Belushi smoking pot: yeah man yeah man. hey man you got any more of that McDonalds blueberry pie they only sell in Northern Ireland?

Circus Coo: each year at this time the action takes place at night.
Alison Sieke: right. there are these secret Hollywood parties that happen not inside but OUTSIDE. the show takes place in the backyard lawns of famous people's homes. nobody knows who these homes belong to while the show goes on, we just remain glued to the show. real estate in Los Angeles is EXPENSIVE so these lawns are like one square foot, no space, standing room only cos that's all there is. no oak trees for squirrels. sometimes the tree is the stage but more often than not the stage is made of wood. 
Circus Coo: yeah it's like the old harlequin shows in Medieval times. it's more special than even live theatre, cos you can return the next night for live theatre, these are once-in-a-lifetime shows. the opportunity comes but ONCE, no cameras allowed, you have to live the experience then tell no one what you saw. the action onstage is so crazy you'll be telling your grandkids and the grandkids won't believe you. it's like one of those times when you can say you were THERE when the ska band Sublime performed their first show at a backyard birthday party for some client's kid. 

Alison Sieke arrives driving a life-size pink Barbie car. she takes off her orange shades.

the opening act is Circus Coo herself, she gets on stage in her one-piece pink bodysuit and coils her body into an impossible pretzel while in the background Sublime's "Wrong Way" drowns out NIN's "Even Deeper".
Circus Coo: men like that i'm flexible. women like that in this position i'm a good listener.
Circus Coo's toes have become her new eyelashes...

the second act or first act technically, is a little man in a three-horned-goat costume who is an expert in the NFL and betting. he knows what SU and ATS mean. he entertains the masses with all his numbers magic.

the final and last act, maybe ever, is of a tall sweaty man who does this sort of weird unintelligible thing where he slowly takes off layers of his three-piece suit, it's not meant to be sexy, it's meant to be painful and uncomfortable. it's the white man's burden in this modern cancel-culture age, an alt-right incel who floods the adult swim messageboards every night wondering where the new season of World Peace is. he claims he hates Bump but he voted for him. needless to say the audience is stunned into silence and doesn't know where to look.

Suzy Lu and Kakashi are enjoying the festivities together leaning on a picket fence. by now it's so late at night all the green of the lawn has turned to black. Suzy elbows Kakashi in the ribs with her scissor-sharp knees, spilling his drink.
Suzy Lu: enjoying yourself, Kakashi? this is a nice little Boris garden party right here. perfect for you silent-but-deadly secret-ops types.
Kakashi: we ninjas aim for anonymity. but i want to be known by YOU. you have such a gentle soul underneath that rough Scottish she-devil hellion exterior.
Suzy: *blushing* oh Kakashi. you are the only person to make me blush. you see me. i got a Steep-Jonesin' sting in my bum and not even that moved me.
Stingo: not even me? 
Meryl Streep: that's Streep-Jonesin'.
Kakashi: i'm serious. can't you tell? like when the flying boy from Invincible had to see his crush and that bully-kid tongue each other, and then the cheating with the bully-kid later on, YOU felt those feelings for the audience. you always put yourself in the protagonist's shoes, you talked about how you were the JEALOUS type, you couldn't ken what was going on behind people's backs and not say anything. by the way, are you ever gonna review the last 4 episodes of Invincible before the new season?...
Suzy Lu: oh Kakashi. thank you.
Kakashi: what's in this red plastic cup?
Suzy: quaff, lad. it's golden suds, like magic mouthwash. low-calorie beer.
Kakashi: i see. that was the dream of the Hidden Leaf Village---to have all the upcoming children live long enough to sip alcohol.
Suzy: i'll drink to that!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Emily Blunt: I was the bells. get it?
Codrus: i never asked Emily Blunt to do that for me.
prick: i sound so much funnier when you roll the r...

Breaking the Waves chip shoppe shack by the water: you forget about me. me, me who's called fish and chips. you find it strange that french fries are called chips but you've always called fish n chips fish n chips.

Eye: The Smurfs and the Magic Flute and go.
Laertus's dad: my favorite time period, now and forever, amen.
Laertus: the '70s?
Laertus's dad: no, Medieval times. 

Smurfette: where am i here?
Gargamel: with me. in my castle. Azrael hasn't been invented yet...

Peyo: you know this was really the one, this was the introduction of my Smurfs to the world. based on the success of this little rinkydink film, all the major studios were groveling at my smurfberry-basket feet sucking my blue cock as the '80s started to give them a cartoon show. i think i went with CBS but honestly i don't remember, that blowjob was so good i lost consciousness.
Peyo's wife: remember dear, I was the one who colored them, that's why the Smurfs last today.

Les Aventures des Schtroumpfs: wait what about us? WE were the first film!
Peter MacNicol: ...
Peyo: 1965? i don't remember that far back. another blowjob. remember, it's not french fries.
Katrin Cartlidge: it's french chips.
Peyo: no it's Belgian fries.
Katrin: maybe if i had had more cartilage in my heart... 

Takahashi: wait who did these voices?
Holt Hanley: me. i wish. i'm something of an amateur voice actor...
Rubikon: it was actually the woman who did the original woman on Cowboy Bebop who recently died.
Takahashi: the woman in yellow or the weird kid? didn't she also do the woman on Dragon Ball, recently died in a car crash, right?
Rubikon: they used anime voices, they were cheap and disposable back then. anime was JUST in the infancy of its popularity in the late '70s.

Laertus: okay it's all coming back to me, the characters of Johan and Peewit. they were diminished in the '80s cartoon, only around here and there. i do remember that white-haired king with the prickly beard, too, but it's weird cos he looks like an anime king.
Johan: look at my eyes, i look like if Wilma Flintstone and Trent Reznor fucked and had a baby, me.
Peewit: strange name. it's like i'm Pee-wee Herman but even weirder. i look like every Scandinavian comic hero with my blond shell hair. comic-strip hero.

Peewit: i'm not really a jester, i'm just annoying.
Johan: and i'm not a squire, i'm a struggling musician. 

merchant: please! help my brother Luigi out! buy this junk! 
the merchant spies a wheelbarrow racing itself, a blue wheelbarrow with an 800 number painted on it.
merchant: please! my bro Luigi lost his leg fighting a Koopa with a hotfoot!

Peewit: oh here comes that old bag in the vomit-green dress, the one in the cake-bonnet with a permanent scowl on her face who's a stickler for the rules and never has any fun. live a little, lady! dance. use this flute on yourself after i play it for you.

Johan: Peewit! what's with all the noxious toxious toxic green gas! how can something so small as your butthole produce such a green cloud of stank!
Peewit: i pooted.

king: i discovered greenhouse energy in the Middle Ages!
Johan: sire, why are you lying down outside on the hard stone floor of the castle?
king: just don't give me any political pillows.

Peewit: hey at least i play a mean lute. except not really. i don't. okay am i just evil? i mean i know i want to have fun, i'm a good-times guy, but there's a limit.
Johan: no I know the storytelling lute. i mean at least train to become a knight like i'm doing. i'm taking night courses while i work at 7-Eleven during the day. you know, the folk who do all those jousts everyone in the kingdom attends cos there's no internet. THEY're the ones who get the ladies-in-waiting!!!
Peewit: i know but there aren't any pretty maidens in our kingdom.
animators: we were forbidden from drawing big tits...

Matthew: hello.
king: what's your surname?
Matthew: McCreep.
king: ah yes we trust you, LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE! you're training to become a monk, yes?
Matthew McCreep: harder, i'm training to be canonized as a saint. if that doesn't work out, McDonalds.

Homnibus the Wizard: i coulda been Merlin but Merlin's a cooler name. 
Bono: ...
Homnibus: i sound like a bus station. here, look into my eyes, are you stoned yet?
Peewit: with pot?
Homnibus: no, Flintstones vitamins, they're actually a very old poultice...
Homnibus: when you say no, i say yes. as in Yes the progressive-rock band, not anything about sex.
Shatner: this is a little like the transporter...
Homnibus: no it's Hypnokenesis.
Shatner: psychoanalysis with a hefty price tag?
Dirg: a lefty price tag.
Homnibus: no, a dirty sock.
Mardith: this reminds me of The Flight of Dragons.

Peewit: it didn't work. i'm in a bog.
Johan: i'm at Smurf Village, i study more than you.

Papa Smurf: um, why the fuck don't we make an appearance until 30 FUCKING MINUTES in?!!! that right there, that's the first time the word smurf was ever broadcast on popular media.

Peewit: i'll only talk to Strongman Smurf, Sweetie Smurf, and Actor Smurf.
Circus Coo: Festive Smurf.
Alison Sieke: there's a difference between an actor and one who attends festivals.
Peewit: and Skeletor Smurf, the Smurf who likes to have a good time. wait a minute all you Smurfs look exactly the same! how do i tell you apart?! so it's true what they say about the East...

Brainy Smurf: had to wait till the '80s for progression. progressive policies. i was hit with a hammer here for talking too much. with no agency of my intelligence, that i actually had something smart to say. i liked it better when i was Team-Rocketed out of the mushroom village each week for being a nerd. hammer, i get it, workers' rights, collectivism.

Smurfs: we make the magic flute out of wood, no two are alike.
Johan: DON'T DO IT!! i don't want any trees killed. there's been too much killing already.

McCreep: okay, business partner...
Earl Flatbroke: ... 
McCreep: here's the plan. we go to an island and let off a volcano that causes a tidal wave. we sail away on a gilded gliding vessel to a country discovered by Christopher Cross.

Terminac: we're a sleepy Medieval fishing village by the water. so sleepy we drown. we're a bus terminal. in a couple of years the Pirates of Dark Water will invade us. we also take care of your termites.

Peewit: and now we do the Luke and Vader thing with flutes for lightsabers. flutesabers.
McCreep: don't touch the beard, kid, i'm auditioning for Bluto.

Peewit: the CARRACK!!! oh those three ship-masts are so lovely! so soft and lavendery and burly against the cheek of my skin! can we keep it?
Johan: give me all your gold coins. in medium-sized unmarked brown kettle-bags.

Peewit: damn, my evil plan would have been taken to completion if only i had the soap-carver they use at LUSH. how many holes DOES a flute have anyway? 
Mardith: seven for good luck.
Madame Pons: at LUSH my holes are my realms.

Care Bears: see? you and me, we were able to defeat Disney. Disney was still a fair boxer in the '80s.

Smurfette: Gargamel is dead. g'night folks.