TMIT: MEN GO TO WAR OVER TITS THAT HUGE

thanks for all the well-wishes. i got a new cat the very same day after, drove to the local shelter and snatched him up, a handsome tabby. they say the shelter pets will love you in an especially strong sort of way, with him dealing with abandonment issues and such. so far, during the night, i've gotten my face, neck, fingers, hands, ankles, and toes bitten constantly. he is a wild one, a pistol kitten, but i wouldn't want it any other way. i can't tell you how overjoyed i felt having to clean up god-awful-stinking poo from the litter box again, life is reborn. so yeah, i have bags under my eyes, i will never have a full night's sleep again, but i am a bit joyous again, a tiny bit more joy.

complete each sentence with an anecdote of sexual adventure or misadventure. keep the mis, i never do ordinary adventures:

1. the first time i: loved, i cried...except they were crocodile tears, for i didn't really know then what it meant to truly love...still don't, i mean, how do you really know? is it an ineffable feeling in the pit of your rotten stomach? it's not the perfectly-edited Hollywood-script love, it's messy and hard and fucked, and in the end, it's not real...i like cotton candy.

2. the last time i: had some peace and quiet around here was never. come on, man, who are these gardeners with the noisy blowing leaf machines? why are they working right now at this moment when i'm trying to type here? i know, i should be considerate, i wouldn't want to be doing their backbreaking labor, i should be more considerate, everything's on a timetable, everything in its right place...and time...maybe i'll don the hat and join them for some hedge-trimming. one of them just asked me if i'd like to blow...

3. the only time i: actually fucked someone with all of my passion and thought was the landlord, i stiffed him on May's rent 'cause he spent forever fixing the leak in my roof, i had to study for finals in a virtual SeaWorld not of my own choosing. then we made up, he took me out for a pu pu platter, i met his daughter, and the fun really began after tea, then it was time for a poo poo platter.

4. my best: day will always be better than your best day, i'm watching you, just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you...they wear brimmed hats and overcoats, they look like those Fringe dudes, no i am not watching too much television! a treasured voice once advised me about strange forces in the world controlling me, sending me CIA signals from outer space, i had to wear a specially-molded tinfoil hat that was shaped especially for my noggin by one Fox Mulder. that voice told me that nobody else in the world would believe me, it recruited me into Anonymous and taught me of the New World Order. that voice is a voice inside my head, constantly instructing me not to push the red button, it's the voice right next to the voice of my alternate personality of a fragile ballerina dancer and the voice of my alternate personality where i'm a kid who enjoys fudge a little too much. wanna go out with me some time? like to the bumper cars or something?

5. my worst: day are the days when i have to move on, move on against my will, something happens to me, i curse the Heavens, but at the end of the day, it's always just me again, me alone, walking on the beach barefoot, looking at the gold-plated yachts lining the shore, rocking back and forth in a lullaby rhythm. i pace slowly down the beach, an oversize beach ball in one hand, watered-down beach alcohol in a plastic margarita glass in the other...i wonder whom i'm gonna masturbate to tonight?

bonus: everyone, however much experienced, still has some as-yet-unfulfilled desires to tick the box out of? what are yours? two words: CATFISH INAUGURATION

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