Wednesday, February 28, 2018


Gladyce: sorry, honey, can't help it.

Doryce: no need to explain yourself to random normies, G. we'll take our talents elsewhere. come to a Doubletree party they said, ESPN does it all the time. but not a lemon in sight. that was the second time.

Gladyce: oh it's more than that. babes babes everywhere and not a one to drink. where to?

Doryce: millions. that should be the de facto standard response to any question the universe poses to us. from now on. millions.

Gladyce: that's fine.

the pair walk like on Jordan 32s. they eventually reach the dark side of the moon-based planet, Washington, D.C.

Gladyce: get out your reading materials.

Doryce: fraid i didn't pack any maps to fold. i did pack manuals, the binding spell. gonna use it on Bama. i wish i could use it on myself.

Gladyce: it's not a good idea. can you imagine you with all that power? you would never stop masturbating. more than you do now regularly on time. every hour on the hour. your vagina would be a weathered washboard.

Doryce: and what beautiful music it makes. i love the Dutch caps on those women. oh, hello, dearies!

the two spot the three superstars from the rally. the march has reached its destination and coalesced around a bonfire in the middle of the Washington Monument. Emma, Cameron, and Jaclyn wear retro plaid and throwback heels aas they huddle together in the twinkling night sky.

Emma: it's so quiet now. peaceful. the anger of the day has pushed the clouds away, and we are left to look at a blue deep and contemplative. the air is thick with purpose, guiding along our caravan.

Doryce: our blue is midnight black.

Cameron: what did you do with your share of the Ellen money?

Emma: little travel-size Connect Four, anniversary gift. it was right there on that lawn Lincoln watching we made love in the grass. splendorous. you held my bald head and i held your head rapidly losing hair from all the stress. we wrapped ourselves in that used plaid multisquared big blanket over there like a burrito.

Cameron: that relieved. and reduced the revolution.

Jaclyn: that was literally one hour ago. remember, i get him on weekends. all your revolutionary talk gets me hot. and this bonfire. got any food, granma? trail mix or Shreddies or something?

Doryce: loves, let's see what i have inside my bulletproof backpack. i'm not one for food at my age, extremely small stomach, mushy teeth, huge bladder. i never did eat a lot.

Gladyce: *scoffing* not even in her youth.

Doryce: *coughing* *for real*

Doryce: that one's not old. a firefly flew up my trachea. oh, i do have these individually-wrapped brioche buns rolls, travel size, from St. Pierre. knock yourselves out. French food is meant to be shared.

Emma: ma'am, what is true love?

Doryce: i'm glad you confided in the expert.

Jaclyn: the other one is sleeping.

Doryce: it's like me and Bama. i muttered the spell while we were whisper-talking, you probably thought me strange and senile and i was just about to tip over and die. he should be coming soon, i hope you meet him.

Bama senses a strange sensation, that's not coming from his shorts this time. it comes from out of his head. he jumps out his dorm window and into a lake. he makes it to the shore without a drop on him.

Bama: nice to meet you. i was a kid once.

Doryce: give mother a hug. my boy, you are sporting a crocodile-tooth rubber necklace! and the Jedi mullet!

the kids laugh.

Bama: strangest dream i ever had. except it wasn't a dream. i was preparing some powder in my kitchenette feature in my dorm room.

Doryce: dormrooms shouldn't have kitchens, that's just weird. warming plates. heating plates if you're rich. kettles for ramen. no dorm dinettes. no dinette sets. you shouldn't be able to cut cucumbers in your dorm room.

Bama: it happened to me again in math class. which is held in the gym so i thought it was the rope. but the ropes in my hair got itchy. this does not happen to men of a certain age. i swam the entire length of the ocean in ten minutes to get to you, to reach you, that's how much i love you.

the kids holla.

Bama: did not take any shortcuts on land. love is not about shortcuts. the waves pummeled my penis but i made it in two pieces. of my swimsuit. here, the kids can have this. it's what remains of my plastic canister of Grape Kool-Aid. they're of age. that stuff is Hell Dust, horrible concoction. it spills everywhere, stains everything it touches, the spiders gravitate to the spots of sweet stickiness, fills the dishwasher in my dormroom with purple slime.

the kids giggle.

Doryce: and it tastes like melted lollipop bubblegum. and you can never find the scoop in those canisters. you start to believe after it's half-empty that there is in fact no scoop in there. you finally get to the buried scoop on your last drop. it's like me on the day of grocery shopping, i always find an unopened bag of lime chips in the cupboard ten minutes before.

the kids pity-laugh.

Bama: you should have seen me! i was storming back there! the water was emptying out in a monstrous wave just behind me! didn't think i'd make it. like it was being funneled through, cycled through to somewhere else.

Doryce: that's recycled. it's being redirected for a greater purpose, neighbor child. trust your elders.

nearby next door, after the row, Strzok and Page spot, locate, and decide on a cottage. to converse and confide Comey.

they notice on their way over a Superman cape in the naked silver fluted trash can outside by the steaming diner. the cape bulges over the lip of the can.


Gladyce collapses on Dorcye's knee.

Gladyce: you're my person. my security blanket. my comfort.

Doryce smiles.

Doryce: i'm supposed to be warming you up.

the buffet trays are all stacked and lined together for brunch, filled with all manner of Mexican munchies and Peruvian palettes for the palate, shining silver and salsa. Takatis from Van Nuys Boulevard is shipped in along with the horchata fluted fountain of green ivory.

Gladyce: dear me, i can't eat all that. still sick. though i hear the burritos in this place are quite alright. Saltado. lomo meat.

Doryce: that Wolverine is a beefcake. i would love to lick that long blade of his.

JUST THEN Genie Bouchard plants her dirty paws on the fleur-de-lis carpet of the lounge. she swerves her pink convertible all over the grounds inside and steps out with one foot in a Redbottom and one foot barefoot.

Bouchard: do you mind?

Doryce takes off her dusty-white nightgown, the only stitch of clothing she has on and hands it to the tennis girl.

Gladyce: what kind of genie are you?

Doryce: your last name sounds like a kiss in French.

Bouchard: French kiss! i always suspected.

Doryce, naked: worry not, my love, you stay sleeping, i'll be your blanket.

Gladyce: you not-so-secretly love this.

Doryce: why not use the hotel linen? the rolling basket's over there.

Bouchard: ew. the cleaned ones look exactly like the dirty ones.

Bouchard ties the article of clothing on each side by a velvet rope and holds it in place hung on the chandelier, wrapped around and twisted to form the makeshift tennis net. Genie begins practicing her overhead smashes of course. she tosses it to herself and runs backwards to catch it on her racket on the way down. the tennis ball that is.

Doryce: you didn't really need a net for that. your tennis dress is pearl-white and slutty enough.

Genie crashes backwards into the pile of buffet. but before she can hit her head Gladyce waves her finger around and miniatures Genie into the nice soothing sauna steam inside one of the buffet trays filled with leftover colding hot water. the ones used to heat the tacos for goddess sake.

Bouchard: thanks. i think.

JUST THEN DeMar DeRozan is in this place at this time.

DeRozan: i didn't touch this girl!

Gladyce: let's both of you have a seat. on my couch in my place.

DeRozan: sorry i'm just always on edge.

Doryce: what are you doing here, Double De?

DeRozan: serving food to the poor. i do little things like that that get no tv publicity when NBA life gets stressful. it's hard to put that damn ball in the hoop every night and keep your foot off the police or three-point line. especially with tree branches all up in your face. we're all human. we're not dinosaurs. we all get depression.

Bouchard: commendable. i should try that.

DeRozan: to get depression? sorry, it's an all-consuming disease.

Gladyce: speaking of not right in the head, what were you planning, missy? this is not the way to get ahead in life. this has gotten silly. making money is but the first step. a slippery step.

DeRozan: i do little projects here and there in the community, tinker with my hammer. i recently put up three billboards to commemorate the Oscars. they were hijacked on an anxious plane and commandeered and coopted for other nefarious purposes, like trying to seduce and secure LeBron to Philly. like that's ever going to happen.

Bouchard: it's in his contract, i saw it. he must play for every single NBA team before he retires or Michael Jordan is forbidden to speak to him. it was an eccentric clause slid into his contract written up by Hope Hicks on her way out the door as a goof and revenge from her Boss.

Gladyce: do you have a hole in your net? is Head your official sponsor? i mean, look at you!

Doryce: please, we've seen enough physical beauty this day for a lifetime.

Bouchard: clearly i hit my head. i can prove this in court. i mean how else do you explain me starting to go on bizarre twitter dates with random strangers? it's like i'm hard up unluckily striking out in the romance department, which is impossible. look at my ass.

Gladyce: you're seated on my couch.

DeRozan: you shouldn't do ANYTHING on twitter. twitter ate my Super Bowl tickets.

Gladyce: why do you have such a gaudy car?

Bouchard: shouldn't someone like me deserve to drive it? it's my real-life life-size Barbie dream car!

Gladyce blinks her jaundiced eye.

Gladyce: yes, dear, i transformed that for you long ago when i used to recruit. stick out your palm.

Bouchard: i swore i would never do that again after i visited my brother's frat.

a small tiny toy-sized verison of her pink Barbie dream car sits on her hand, Hot Wheels, Matchbox-style.

Gladyce rubs her blue eye.

SUDDENLY a torrent of floods rampages the hotel. the lobby, lounge, half-in-half-out patio, deck, front desk, and palm lights are all drenched. Genie watches in horror as a piece of wave dribbles into the buffet area, dousing the swatches of linoleum there that look like and are painted as cobblestones in a clear film of leaky linament. her list hackles up.

Bouchard: damn! that was my chance right then and right there!

she turns around gracefully.

Genie: we regret to inform you that your contract has been terminated and y'all will be escorted off the premises. your actions have caused grievous pain and distress. the splashing kids have no idea what the fuck just happened.

Doryce: how dare you kick two feeble infirm ladies out the door. no need to make a fuss over us, no one ever has, we'll see ourselves out.

Genie: i've been around middle-management all my life, fits me like a surrounding glove. my mom's a judge. yeah, they said that the sign which floated away read OOL. there was no P in it, cos there was no water in it!


the tit thing didn't work.

Doryce: what now?

Sally Quinn retracts her tits and takes a moment to ponder. about in what direction this whole thing is going. she chews on the Sword of Saad wand, the Wand of Saad.

Sally: i know all the answers. doesn't mean i have all the answers. not at my disposal this very instant anyway. takes time to cultivate something worth fighting for.

the girls quickly button up their blouses. Jill Wine-Banks lets her girls breathe a bit more and smiles in that hearty way she do.

Jill: the key lies in your friendship. it's an invisible key to a secret locket. i envy you girls. we put on airs here but really we're sanding over our insecurities that can't be held at any bank buoyed by the strength of the group, with the axiom the more people the more perceived strength. but it's all hogwash. you've been convening your own two-man satanic convent now for centuries without us.

Doryce: hey, i was born in the '60s.

Gladyce: *creak* says so on her driver's license which she hasn't used since the '60s.

Doryce: good of us to join you. beauty sleep?

Gladyce: just resting my watering eyes.

Jo: that takes care of all the tending to of all the plants in here for a month. thank you, Gladyce.

Jamie: you and i, Jo, are the ones who have males names.

Jill wrestles with her phrasing and iced tea.

Jill: y'all two will see each other through. follow your heart...

Sally: ...or rather your soul, the stirrings of the soul cannot be tamed by another. before we get too ephemeral and nebulous, let's ground this in some sort of science. keep an eye of newt out for the remaining Stones. oh these Stones are such a bother, so male, we ladies are always needing to streamline the heavy history of man's kind.

Jill: well don't keep the dang thing in your backpocket then, love.

the rune is marked with one continuous lime line of a Dutch cap and nothing on the back. cos it's all been erased, you clearly see the remnants of previous spells crossed out with the eraser dust fossiled in. it's like the Stones everyone knows but fun size, like that travel edition of Clue you took on long road trips.

Sally: makes my butt look big and uneven i love it.

Jill waves the birds off with her grandmotherly shoo by her bright old eye and parting advice:

Jill: take a left at the poolboy. take a right at the first hotel you see on the row. it's not a complicated complex. it's always empty rooms, everyone assumes the first one will be booked. that's the place you know has the ool.

Sally: yeah, the objects aren't as important as the affection.

Rebecca Lowe sends them on their way leaning at the doorstop with her formica glass eyes.

Rebecca: never give up no matter the odds. see it through to your destination. you will only accomplish to pick the joyous fruits of life when you work as a team. bubblegum and spit.

Gladyce: bye, dearies. that Rebecca really needs to not be so serious about sport.

Doryce: yeah, bye. that was kind of a waste. no help. where to? and please say a cannery. I'M HUNGRY!!!

Doryce walks like Godzilla.

Gladyce: more like Bridezilla. please carry me, dear, you're my scooter. i am frightfully flagging.

Doryce: i'm fagged, too. looks like Doubletree ding ding ding is the winner!

the ladies of a certain age collapse on the big fluffy sofa in the center of the lounge and Gladyce steals a green-handled fork from the diner.

Gladyce: i had a dream while i was long out. i dreamt that the tine of this fork kept going forever, all around the world and all around time and space.

Monday, February 26, 2018


Winter Olympics learned:

* i wanna see Leslie Jones short-track speed-skating. wanna see her gangsta lean.

* i've always known it as Pyongyang. spelt it that, ever since third grade. i understand it's phonetic but i am loath to change and set in my ways.

* Maddie Bowman: i don't wanna talk about it.
sponsor: milk life?
Maddie Bowman: from now on i'm drinking coconut soda.

* Michael Phelps: i have a poster of Ester Ledecka on my wall.
wife: no you don't! i just had your kid.
Michael Phelps: what? she inspires me. it's the one thing i still haven't done.

* Medvedeva: Bleach.
Zagitova: i know, it sucks we had to carry the Olympic flag instead of our own.
Medvedeva: no, that's my favorite anime. why did you do five triple-axels in a row like that? you're rubbing my nose in it?
Zagitova: my coach told me to do it. who is also your coach. what were you wearing at the Gala?
Medvedeva: i was portraying how you left me a street beggar, forced to steal cos you robbed me of my glory. that particular brand of Russian sorrow. what were you portraying?
Zagitova: oh shit, i forgot to take that candle i used for the show! it's still sitting there on the ice a day later!

* Shib Sibs: please, that's not our individual unique names. we're champion athletes, no more gimmicks.

* Lindsey Jacobellis: hi there, kids. remember me? i barely do, NBC completely washed their hands of me this time around. i had no idea i would be competing until they announced my race moments before. i thought i had retired to the farm in ignominy. and of course i come in 4th place. kids i think the lesson here is, i'm the ultimate symbolic embodiment of What Could Have Been. but the hotdogging i did the first time made me a snowboarding legend. at least in the underground. snowboarding is a lot like life. snowboarding is pain. life is for punks.

* foreign reporter: Shani Davis?
Shani Davis: yes. thank you. now i've won.

* Jessie Diggins: still don't know where i'm from? good, that's what small-town living is all about. let me do a shake at you and move on.
reporter: what's up with that one all-time Winter Olympian?
Diggins: i've never seen arms like that on a woman. not sayin' jus sayin'. and that's your Daily Diggins Dig.

* Bryce Bennett: i think i'm too tall to ski.
Lindsey Vonn: but you have to! that mustache is legend! i'm even thinking about penciling a mustache on me from now on.
Bryce Bennett: yeah there's that Swiss skier who's ten feet tall and he won. but there's still one problem.
Lindsey Vonn: what?
Bryce Bennett: i'm Kylo Ren.
Lindsey Vonn: you're a sensitive male, i like that.

* Bode: why are you yelling into that walkie-talkie? reporting the course conditions back to camp?
Lindsey Vonn: redirecting all my pent-up anger back out into the open healthily. i'm never reading the comments on my twitter again.
Bode: it's a slippery slope. get it?
Lindsey Vonn: you're a slope dope.

* kinda disappointed with the big-air. i know i'm being unreasonable but i thought it would be bigger. taller, higher somehow. sorry, Ivanka.

* Elana Meyers Taylor: don't blame me. my dad gave me this body. i love this body of mine. i love my body. it bounces and ripples at the same time. it's comprised of bricks of honey.

* bobsledder: hey! stop shouting at me! i'm trying to concentrate here at the start.

* that alpine team event was lopsided. the one where the two race down the red and blue courses at the same time, fastest wins. it's better to race others than a clock. i sat down and watched it. for four hours. everyone on the further right side, the red, always won. there was never a blue winner. the mountain was obviously tilted to the right.

* the one thing i took away from the Opening Ceremony: Phoenix.

* Rebecca Lowe: did you ever think this day would come?
John-Henry Krueger: i'm not lucky. the South Koreans crashed for a reason. this is divine recompense for the Steelers losing that game to the Patriots. survive the ground my ass! i play on the real frozen tundra!
Rebecca Lowe: are you okay, Freddy? i love your lips. you seem a bit wobbly. you think you made the right decision training abroad?
John-Henry Krueger: i still have mad-cow disease but it was all worth it. please, i haven't had a burger in four years!
Rebecca Lowe: sorry, love, i'm on tv.

* Bradie Tennell: yeah, a little stunnedshocked. never fell before. oh, yeah, i guess i'll do Disney On Ice or something. how do my teeth look? they're my moneymakers now.

* Adam Rippon and Mirai Nagasu: why were we snubbed from the Gala?
Olympics: cos you trash.
Mirai Nagasu: some Olympic village. no hot water in yo crib. come to my restaurant in Arcadia and we'll show you what hot water is really used for! i'll play you like an arcade game yo!
Adam Rippon: i love that i've brought out the country-hood in you, Mirai.

* Kelly Clark: i've passed the torch. but the greatest snowboarding accomplishment in my life is not the medals, but that i kept my personal life completely private. that is a miracle in this smartphone age.

* Red Girard: in order to win at snowboarding, you must be a ginger.
Shaun White: i was embarrassed of my red hair when i was small. and i secretly always hated the nickname the media gave me, The Flying Tomato. that's so really stupid. but i've recently been called worse names.
Red Girard: Snow Federer?

* Jamaican women's bobsled team: our sled got bought! all hail the sliders form the heat! catch: we have to slide down while drunk on Red Stripe.

* why is all the figure skating done to Coldplay?..........................oh, cold, now i get it......

* my one take-way from the Closing Ceremony: okay, if you really do travel on an interdimensional turtle to the afterlife, maybe that, only THAT will assuage my anxiety.

* come on, Korea, unify and move forward. if Germany with their fucked-up history can do it....
Kim Jong-un: yeah! I WANT MY K-POP!!!

* Elise Christie: doesn't matter had sex with my swarthy exotic boyfriend. there are different types of dreams fulfilled you know.

* Sasha Cohen: dodged a bullet.

* Mike Tirico: what is this grand secret?
Mike Tirico lowers his head and stays in that position, silently, for one hour.
Johnny Weir: everyone around here calls me "bruh". i mean, look at my hair.
Mike Tirico: look at my hair.

* Tanith Belbin: so what's up with curling? i go online now and am admonished for making fun of it. you can't make fun of curling anymore.
American Men Curlers: beer and swedish meatballs, simple recipe.
Tanith Belbin: how did you do it on such long odds?
American Men Curlers: our Princess was in another house. we've just been named the mascots for the next Olympics. wanna come to our wedding, too? it's at the curling house. over the hog line.
Tanith Belbin: what'd you call me?

* Tara Lipinski: the lights up in the night sky, they're forming a heart. so beautiful. i'm crying.
Terry Gannon: that's a broken heart. they didn't have enough drones. take it from me, Ganondorf. now you really crying.

* the world needs more Scott Hamiltons.

* remember, folks, Olympics prevent war.

1. ___call. prank call, how i met my third wife
2. _______to me baby. cum
3. ______and_________ tea and tabasco sauce. tabasco tea, the new taste sensation!
4. sex bloggers are_________an endangered species
5. ___________really need to__________the head of the NCAA really needs to lace up some Jordan 32s
6. you should be________mine but i didn't have a college degree at the time
7. i have never been able to _______long enough. see 2. and see to it
8. do you wanna_________buy The Olympics Channel? i'm not ready for this to be over
9. my_______get mad at me for________my parents get mad at me for existing. but it's their fault i'm here
10. when my alarm clock goes off, i______get off. sympathetic orgasm
11. i look forward to__________this year. not sleeping. the night terrors are getting worse with each nap
12. ___________is one of my favorite toys. Waterful


Friday, February 23, 2018



* Agnes Obel...............googling.................wait, these music videos are starting to look familiar...............i already googled Agnes Obel before.................i just wasted two hours...............i hate when i do that

* this is the second time for Peloton and me. don't know what it is. the combination of dark-wooded atmosphere and the latest indie track stirs my emotions. i was surprisingly deeply moved by this. perhaps i shouldn't be so surprised anymore.

* mom: let's get this out the way upfront on front street. i'm hot, i'm a milf, got a hot butt, now see me for me.

* there's just something about a tumbling piano. there's no other instrument in the universe like the soft sound of a piano key. it rumbles the soul.

* mom: wait, this isn't my usual instructor. nevermind.

* mom: i really need to get rid of those grey workout pants that show. on to Lululemon!
director: you can't say another brand whilst you're on the grounds of the shoot.

* Phoenix: all these moments are whizzing by so fast i barely noticed them.
mom: i didn't, either. and they're my memories.

* husband walks past at 10:30 AM.
mom: honey? you're already home? why are you home from work so early?
husband: work? oh, comfort you later.

* husband: baby, what happened? what's wrong?
mom: i slipped on our daughter's fuzzy teddy bear again.
husband: we talked about this. please don't cry. you gotta save your tears. your tears are magic. they make the teddy bear come to life.
mom: makes it easier for me to slip. the alive teddy bear keeps sweeping my leg.

* mom: see what i'm showing the camera upclose?
director: the red Peloton tub-faucet wheel flower gear that makes the bike go faster or something?
mom: no, my enormous rock.

* mom: why are you so rambunctious?
daughter: i'm a kid.

* daughter: mommy blows bubbles!
mom: that was my allergies, sorry.
director: watch it. no other brands .

* mom: don't like those jeans either. too mom-jeans.
husband: i like them.

* mom: here we are, gathered at the dinner table. just the wives so we can gossip.
ladies: can't use the word gossip anymore.
man: i'm a man actually. my head is turned to the camera and i have a short haircut and glasses.
mom: anybody got any wives' tales on old cough remedies?
man: i do.
mom: y'all paying for the food you eat, okay? i spent my life savings on a Peloton.

* mom: i don't want to be sweating inside when it's snowing outside! i want the weather to match my heart. who am i doing this for, anyway?

* mom: they're just flowers.
daughter: how much do they cost? how much for them?
mom: they're flowers for my Valentine's Day. everyone forgot. you at least get a card at school.
daughter: i will literally have to break the bank for this. the piggybank.

* mom: we're in arrears this year.
husband: you have a pen sticking out of your ear. that's sexy.
mom: how are we gonna pay for this house when you're home early all the time?
husband: the magical bear wants me to just eat graham crackers from now on.

* mom: hold my hand. reach for my hand. okay i'll reach for yours. where's your ring?

* mom: hug me. okay i'll hug you. why does the top of our bannister have a poo emoji?

* husband and daughter: mom, we love that you work out. and you work out all your emotions. but that bike is right in the middle of the living room. makes it hard for us to play Don't Step In It.


happy weekend, my babies. better is in us. butter is in me.

Wednesday, February 21, 2018



Doryce: help my friend. what's wrong with her?

Sally: you know our curses are not just spawned of hate. as a little girl i learned the ways of my people. i learned to adore rocks above people. the Pennsylvanian pebbles, the Quaker runes were quivers of attainment, quaked inside my pelvis. i loved how the Dutch hats looked like the Dutch shoes, had that same curve. the stones controlled me and i yearned to control others with them. you can place a binding spell upon an object of affection as well. it's a rope of love. that's how i snagged my Ben from all his suitors.

Jill: and wife. sounds hateful to me.

Sally: hush. spite is not the same as hate. i spit on your logic.

Sally: he was sexy as hell. with his shirt open all the time. chest hair and chain, that was the fashion in those days, the reporters' room had no air conditioning. but it had conditioning. as a young pup reporter

Jill: bitch reporter

Sally: i scoured for the stories which would please him. it seemed i had spilled a little of that binding-spell juice on my blouse shoulderpad. it gained me confidence, i was a sallow young thing, skinny and demure and frightful, swallowed by my oversize California-tan-colored sunglasses obscuring my mousey face. i was still cute.

Jo: cute as Christmas.

Jamie: but did you love him?

Sally smiles.

Sally: i became a happy homemaker. i was inserted in the Washington Elite that's all i wanted. i hosted events to control events. to my ultimate goal, my attainment. all to plan.

Jamie: it takes a special male specimen to distract our Sally away from girls.

Doryce: i see. well in that case pass the Manebo, the SWA, the scuba set, the Vermont Yellow, the firecracker mix...

Rebecca and Jo: when did you give up?

Doryce: pumpkin-spice popcorn. that's when i gave up on life.

sisters: us, too! they're coopting our thing, the manufacturers.

Rebecca: have you been watching the Olympics?

Doryce: not on that tv.

Rebecca: i like the skiathlon. the alpine chase. when the girls stop skiing and climb up that hill awkwardly over their long skis, that's hilarious.

Jill: i like the double luge. so enticing. entrancing. gets my hackles up.

Jamie: the runbreaker. we have our Sally, our own runebreaker.

Sally: uh, rulebreaker. you know the legends, right?

Doryce: uh............say it again, i often wander at the sight of my best friend speaking.

Sally: Three Runes. control the universe with the lucky three. it's all in the untranslatable grimoires. the Rune of Wisdom. the Rune of Beauty. and the Rune of That Which Cannot Be Named.

Jamie: we all know which one is in our Sally's possession. she has a possessive nature.

Sally: collect all three like Pokémon and you're rich. or baseball cards with bulges i guess. some are scattered throughout the land. of the world. hidden. deep inside. that's the only thing which will cure her. do you have the stones to travel the world?

Doryce: yes. absolutely. of course. oh and please leave me some scribblings on strips so i can read them on the road, pack 'em with some rumble strips. i want some of those binding spells. love binding spells. i have a special fellow in mind.

Jo: paper strips or tortilla strips? this is why i have buck teeth.

Sally: alright, ladies, time to work! we'll try to divine a general area for you so your search won't be impossible. or we'll divine a possible general area. i warn you, without all three Runes it's impossible. and i'm good. i've been trying this for years.

the women eagerly line up shoulder to shoulderpad. they each remove their fluttering fringe blouses and line up their two breasts each along a processional line. making sure all their boobs touch all the other boobs. Sally delicately slides the Sword of Saad inbetween them all like it's on a parade route.

Sally: the Sword of Saad must be touching all ten tits at the same time to glean a vision.

Doryce's eyes widen.

Doryce: and what praytell do you dub this little number, you crazy kids on the loose juice?

Sally: it's an asymmetric spell.

Jill: bitch, speak for yourself. my tits are tops.



at the Olympics downhill, there is confusion. with the wind delays and other things.

Dan Hicks: there's the slalom. and then the giant slalom. and large hill. and normal hill. so is there a medium slalom?

Bode Miller: i don't know, man. there's no such thing as a medium hill. in nature.

Dan: you don't seem to be too eager to be here, Bode.

Bode: what is 5th place? what does that mean? it's all just nothing. every four years you sacrifice, for what? look i'll be level, which is the opposite of this downhill, i kinda have a thing..................later in like 30 party at my lodge................rooftop i'm gonna go ahead and scoot outta here when the time comes, letting you know ahead of time so you can plan, per my NBC contract. there's gonna be dead silence coming from my end soon.

Dan: it's 30 below.

Bode: C tho, right? or F.

Dan: we talked with Mikaela Shiffrin. well her competitors. they said they saw Mikaela do the practice run down the course and from that declared her the gold-medal winner. you know how they knew? they took one gander at that sweet ass of hers.

Nathan Chen: it's just, as i stand here before you now bewildered and disillusioned, i look back and think about all the new video games i missed playing. was it worth it? ask me again after my speedruns.

foreign reporter: you did 18 quads in that performance, one for each year of your age or something. what would you call that?

Nathan: video-game numbers.

Papadakis: what is this Americanism, "wardrobe malfunction"? in my country we call it "life."

Mooch: what did you think when it happened right at the start?

Papadakis: worst nightmare. i prayed.

the audience claps.

Papadakis: clapping for praying, i like that.

Mooch: what do you know about George? this is a question from the boss.

Papadakis: check my last name again.

Mooch: what do you think of the Canadians winning? AGAIN.

Papadakis: Canadians are fake French.

Elena Meyers Taylor's dad is crying in the kiss-and-cry.

Mooch: why you crying? is it cos yous daughter just missed it. AGAIN. sir?

Elena Meyers Taylor's dad: no, it's cos she's better than me. she's actually a better athlete than me. i can't take it.

Medvedeva: i hate you. you ruined me. my Olympic dream is a hoax. why couldn't you have come next time? this is my light. you are the princess taking the long spiral stone staircase to the top of the tower to knock on the queen's painted wooden door.

Zagitova: it's your fault, my friend. you enticed me with that short program you did in a Sailor Moon skirt. i bought the uniform the next day and got into skating the day after. it took me a year after that to finally buy the skates that uniform was so specific. what did you think would happen? that show is for kids.

Medvedeva: it's anime. it's like cartoons for adults. it's too old for you. everything is too old for you.

Zagitova: i'm a magical girl.

Jake Tapper: here we fucking go.

Emma Gonzalez: here we fucking go.

Jake Tapper: you sure you aren't a crisis actor?

Emma Gonzalez: some of us students said we wanted to become actors before we were thrust heartbreakedly into this political-activist circle of heat. there's a difference. despite my GI Jane haircut i do not want to join the military now. jesus. TRUST NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF 18!!!

Jake Tapper: great, they sent the pretty NRA'er.

red-haired student survivor: our governor is Voldemort. i'm not Red Gerard.


Sally Quinn handles the arched stick with the intense care of an evil stepmother.

Sally: ah, it's a magnificent magic. and a treacherous tool. takes a timeworn toll. the Sword of Saad, beautifully malleable to fit the user's precepts and preconditions. took us centuries to stumble upon its true power.

the ice princesses beg for forgiveness beforehand.

ice princesses: matron! you were the one who finally broke the cold!

Sally waves the closed circle once and starts to cry from contemplating the enormity of its essence.

Gladyce: please, i need to rest.

Doryce: so Maryknoll? i smelled you there.

Sally: thank you. when i was young and tumble. fucked every last brother in there. that's when i oversatiated overboard and discovered my taste for the females. got it out of my system. and sister standupness was born. never again. though i did have my fun. my demi-dalliances.

ice princesses: your highness, surely you never were young! what we mean to say is, you've always been a beauty!

Sally: please stand up. this is getting to get uncomfortable now. you each have names. revealed shortly.

Gladyce: ...

Sally: please, enter my abode. it's my little castle on the far reaches of this godforsaken world.

Doryce: but we're in the center.

Sally: are we in China? Africa? matters not, my magic will shield us from the horrors of outside. step across and let me regale you with my entertainments.

Doryce: what we need are attunements. my sis here is croaking. not dying surely but actually making the croaking sound. we're old.

Doryce carries her blood friend over the bannister and into a stack of hay in the backroom.

Sally: she will not be disturbed. the cats will lick her eyes to keep them moist as she recovers.

the maidens swirl around Doryce with tiny cups of guava and gin and ginseng which sings.

Doryce: none for me, thanks, i'm driving. on a broom hopefully. brooming. please, don't mind me, get comfortable and continue with the babe blether.

Sally: ah, so you've noticed that we are all blondes. not a requirement, not requisite, but a relishful result nonetheless. allow me to introduce you to my blood sisters, they're like the family i got to choose that i never had, quite delightful: Jamie Gangel, Jo Becker, Rebecca Lowe, Jill Wine-Banks.

Jill: there are others that complete our coven which come and go out of here but we make a spectacular five doncha say?

Rebecca: good enough for the result.

Jo: i'm just here for the cake. i can eat as much as i want.

Jamie: we mustn't forget our comely comrade-in-arms Poppy Harlow.

Sally smiles and waves the sword wand to project an image over the fireplace, the interview.

Sally: i caused our sister to faint that one time on-air of course. was a test. now when i look at that whipsmart Chief Justice Ginsburg, i swell with pride. she's the one whom i think it's okay to break the rule for, she is a shining brown example for all of us in the tribe. she's like a friendly Judge Judy.

Ruth Ginsburg reaches over her last bony hand to rub the interviewer's belly. Poppy Harlow breaks into blushed tears and pulls her head down.

Ginsburg: hush now, girl. the girl inside you will replace me when i croak. the republic will be saved cos you had sex.

the audience laughs. Poppy continues to cry.

Sally: bless. her monk name would have been Bader, that's too perfect.

Jill: pass the wine. and the money obviously.

Sally: cash bills? heavens, i thought you'd learn after three hundred years, Jill. stones. spread stones, man, where it's at, the source. don't go getting a big head thinking you've got run of the place just cos you're older than me.

Jill: bitch, shaddup. i'm not older. wiser, of course..................yeeessssssssssss........don't let my pronounced lisp fool you, i have all the answers, takes time to all come out. you can't trick me, i wrote the loopholes so i could close them. i took down the ultimate grumpy old man so let me reward and let loose my girdle and be a grumpy old woman. bitch in a lawyer skirt, that's what they dubbed me in those days.

Jamie: i believe it. Nixon was hot in a kind of dad way. a tall drink of Watergate.

Jo: pass the golden cupcakes. and the silver cupcakes. and the Juanita's.

Doryce: i can't see the tv with the bristles in front! next you're gonna tell me that's a genuine magic broom hung on the bricks above the fireplace there.

Sally: yes it sure is. it cleans up the flume like magic.

Monday, February 19, 2018


1. do you think fate or destiny play a role in love? a) absolutely b) for the most part c) somewhat d) not really e) not at all

i usually answer e all of the above to these things. Fate/stay night the anime? Destiny the video game? i seem to be very lonely. if it's good enough for Theresa Lopz-Fitzgerald, it's good enough for me.

2. true or false---if my sexual likes and dislikes are not in line with my partner's, i change them. if it's sexual, i'll like it. people have called me a thumb whore even though i don't have facebook. i like likes, okay? i like to be liked. i like a thumb in my ass so sue me.

3. you and your partner are at a party. both of you are equally acquainted with the hosts and the other people attending. although you aren't the best of pals with any of the guests, you have conversed with them on a few occasions. during the socializing, what would you most likely do?

a) i'd stay glued to my partner's side, conversing with the same people he/she is
b) i'd be away from my partner, mingling with the other guests
c) i'd stay near my partner, but involved in different conversations
d) i'd spend more time by my partner's side and some time mingling
e) i'd let my partner drift or stick by me---as she/he wishes

i love murder mysteries. no wait, i saw the trailer, nevermind. these are party fouls and i've never liked branding certain behavior as party fouls, i don't follow rules by nature, i'm not a stickler though i am often sticky. and the truth is, i've never been invited to a party. i'm not territorial like that, live and let live i say, and be free to graze. as long as you double-dip the chip i'm cool with ya.

4. have you ever gone through your partner's journal, diary, or personal letters?
a) yes, i've read it/them from A-Z
b) yes, i've read some of it/them
c) i know where he/she keeps them but haven't read any
d) i know where he/she keeps them---i couldn't help but look---but i haven't read any.
e) no, i don't know where he/she keeps them, and i have no intention of looking
f) no, i don't know where he/she keeps them, even though i've looked

this is particularly stinging to me as a writer, i've had this violation visited upon me in the past, which is why i don't diary anymore, i just write what's in my head directly onto instagram and avoid the middleman. trade secrets and such. it was doubly painful to see that he used my idea and became a millionaire off it with franchise rights and a new ride at Universal Studios while i continue to eat beans. though i am heartened to be dating fellow writers, folk who would keep a journal, who continue the romantic practice of writing love letters, and letters to their taxman. when two writers fuck, the resulting orgasm is a bestseller. i didn't mind when she learned i was a slut, it was when my life started turning up in Fifty Shades Freed...

5. have you ever had a romantic partner go through your journal, diary, personal letters, or text messages without your permission? how did you feel? what did you do? there's nothing you can do. just stand in line like everyone else at Waldenbooks and hope she spells your name right.

bonus: what makes you feel loved? rubber cement. we weren't allowed rubber cement in kindergarten cos of the highing fumes. didn't take my first sniff till college. do you know how hard it is to find a college art class that still uses kindergarten rubber cement?


Friday, February 16, 2018



* travel changes you. if you have money.

* the wolves will come slowly on your left side. you will find yourself whiting out. that's when the ancient prophecy says you are over.

* she was giving the shocker and switched to the peace sign at the last second when the bonfirelight hit her

* held onto the rail with no hands

* not naked, covered in angelic glow

* pretty soon there won't be any icebergs left...

* kid: no smoking on the bridge, Captain.
Captain: i was eating a chocolate bar.
kid: you look like the real-life verison of that anime captain.
Captain: you watch anime, kid?
kid: sometimes.
Captain: you will never be a captain.

* kid: the force of that disappearing iceberg gave me a haircut!
Captain: kid, it's not safe there!
kid: where?
Captain: anywhere! you're on a boat!

* kid: what are you searching for?
red-helicopter pilot: a red helicopter.

* kid: see the white wolf? he's really a beautifully-drawn handsome young man with long black hair, a starter jacket, and jeans.
woman with earmuffs: how can you tell?
kid: i watch a lot of anime. he's the only white wolf in the pack.
woman with earmuffs: i like your goggles.
kid: i never knew goggles had a purpose. i thought they were just something anime boy protagonists wore to look cool.

* kid: is this my grandma or yours?

* kid: what are you doing?
girl: falling like the waterfall, it's beautiful and spiritual.
kid: the waterfall is water! it won't get hurt! you are not water!

* kid: what do you hear?
woman: i really hope my bikini stays on.

* tourist: i really love the sound of your silver rainstick. the shekere is my favorite instrument.
villager: this is my cocktail shaker.

* tourist: how low can you go?
villager: please, we've never done that here, that is a completely fictional Westernized thing invented in a Madison Avenue office to sell tiki torches so you can play Survivor at home.

* i cheated. i'm not reaching out for another hand. that second hand is my other hand.

* woman 1: will you be my wife?
woman 2: yes. sadly, this is the only place we can do this now, under the cover of a waterfall in secret.
woman 1: we really need to move from this country.
woman 2: luckily, we're frequent travelers.
woman 1: can we get out of this water now? the bruise you scratched on my knee last night during our passion hurts like the motherfucking dickens.

* sloth: i have more instagram followers than you.
girl: that's not fair! why is this the case?
sloth: i'm cute but not fast.
girl: aww, you're reaching out your hand for me to shake.
sloth: no, i'm shooing you away. get outta mah face, kid, ya bother me.

* Captain: it's rare to see change. i've never cut my beard. look up at the stars, that looks like my ex-wife.
woman: *covering up ears* please, Captain, kids are around!
Captain: what, it's yonic. i thought this was the stargazers' tour. the adult stargazers' tour.
woman: have you been drinking again, Captain?
Captain: of course i have! that's the captain's right! why else do we work hard all our lives to achieve this rank?! so we can have our rum at the wheel in private.

* Captain: hey, what are you doing with my ex-wife!? and why do you look exactly like me!?
man: she's your ex-wife. emphasis on ex-.
Captain: that white hair of hers draws me back like a mermaid seductress.


happy weekend, my babies. gotta go, Johnny Weir just said my name on tv! my screen is currently being filled with Winnie the Poohs and it's not a screensaver

Wednesday, February 14, 2018


the two lifelongers make their way down Federal Way.

Doryce: this highway is so beauteous. i'm glad i did my part to keep the highway clean.

Gladyce: you did no such thing of the sort. you've never touched money. i can't see nothing. when i try to open my eyes, all i see is Blue Heaven come early.

Doryce: good for you, not for me. where you go, i go. did you enjoy our little sojourn in horse n buggy? it was so enchanting and throwback. emblematic of a simpler time.

Gladyce: yeah but it was on the road. like Washington on the Geico. horses shouldn't be on a road it's just not right. you can't fool me. that was your unusually horse-like hands making the clopping sound. there are no coconuts in Washington!

Doryce: the good news is the sicker you get, the lighter you get. you're more a feathery backpack on me now.

Gladyce: i've been vomiting the whole way through, or have you conveniently forgotten to notice?

Doryce: we did get a couple stares from those gas guys sliding up the pole. i thought they were checking out my sweating butt.

Gladyce: if anything they were checking out my butt. you put it in their faces when you turned around.

Doryce: not long now, dear. another village settles upon us, same colors as the first. i can see the pepto bismol from here. Lake Hillier yonder.

Gladyce: you think every pink lake is Lake Hillier. we're not in the home country just yet.

Doryce: speaking of, what about those Timeshare Exit Team commercials?

Gladyce: girl i'm getting watery. Kelly and Mike are perfect for each other! and they cemented their dangerous love with a baby, that's when you know it's true, when you piss off both sets of parents.

Doryce: what a bummer to learn that's not a real couple. they were just actors!

Gladyce: i hate learning.

Doryce: it's like my friend Auverin always tells me, well she told me in the bubble of a Woodstock Valentine's note today: the best actors are non-actors. like that Eastwood movie where the real train heroes play themselves in the movie. now that's realism no French can touch. that's how all movies should be from now on, just have real people playing themselves.

Gladyce: i'm more jealous that you're cheating on me with the blond than the girl. Rabobank.

Doryce: possibly the worst name ever for a bank. and of course it's our home bank. right next to our community pharmacy. community is overrated. we're here!

past the belltower at Maryknoll Doryce huffs her last mile to the soft patch. the water is a sweet bubblegum swill curtailed by a flowing wheel that looks the same from the side and from the top. it gently transports each cup of water to the rock chimney above, keeping the thatch roof watered. the cottage is surrounded by an outer bed of silvertip reeds. Doryce makes a circle with her elbow in one of the dusty windows to look in cautiously.

Gladyce: there's no way to cautiously do that. anything poking through? like nipples?

Doryce: what's she look like?

Gladyce: the most beautiful woman who ever lived. the most beautiful blonde in the world. tits like howitzer shells. got more stunning as the years went on the bitch. unclear if that was from her own natural spells or her own natural cells. one of those girls who grow into their fulsome womanly body as they mature instead of get fat, they're cute when they're young but a broomstick.

Sally Quinn saunters over the mini footbridge with her ladies in tow. who kiss her toe when she makes it safely across.

Doryce: ice queen i presume?

Sally: please i ain't that old, honey. allow me to introduce my ailing associates. i'm the ice maiden in the group if anything. they are ice princesses in their field.

ice princesses: we have no time to be in waiting.

Gladyce: i always wanted to be a blue blonde. didn't have the mean chops.

Sally: what is the ailment?

Doryce: too much empathy i'm afraid. my sister here drained a whole pool of tears.

Sally slowly guides the wooden circle of intertwined branches on a stick around Doryce's flappy neck.

Sally: you are the weak one of the two. i can already tell you're the complainer of the group.

Gladyce: no, i swear to you i didn't follow my pattern.

Sally: well you weren't drawn to me, either. i'm upfront with my patients, i never lie, i was brought up in Pennsylvania. there's a force afoot which brought you to me here today. never felt it before.

Sally ganders at the stick and pulls the stem up.

Sally: isn't she a marvelous piece of magic?

Doryce: what is it?

Sally: the Sword of Saad.


President Bump is enjoying the dog show. he tosses a few peanuts into the well, which really riles up the prim and proper dogs.

Bump: i think i see a few of my ex-wives down there. hey who's winning this thing the suspense is killing me. this is more stressful than the Olympics which in all honesty i simply do not understand. who's that old bag who's squandering her sweet time deciding? who does she think she is, a woman of power?

Mooch: that's the head judge. pass the peanuts. the stadium is filled to capacity but the gallery cleared out when you arrived.

Bump: that always happens. no head from me. she's like a skeleton from Kentucky, i don't want to relitigate that again. hey who are those two directly opposite us looking at us queer? they look like two little old ladies.

Nikki Haley: those are the agents i assigned to your detail. they're on the case! Peter Strzok and Lisa Page.

Bump: whoa, the Strzoker! hey, why are they kissing? no smooching on the job! i don't like it when people have more fun than me.

Nikki: they're undercover. pretending they're a couple so as not to draw attention to themselves. to the fact that they're wearing FBI suits. this is my cotton candy, remember?

Nikki turns Bump's diamond ring wood with a strange saucer of wood on a stick.

Bump: but i paid for it. okay, here you go.

Nikki: if you're having trouble with the spelling call Peter Petr, more European, that's a quick out for him.

Bump: is Lisa related to that guy from Zeppelin?

Nikki: no, but i hear she likes medieval folk rock. she's a medieval Page.

Bump: whoa, the Shocker! Flynn the French-cheese one won. did not see that coming. that dog has better hair than me. Mike Flynn is really deep undercover. *shouts* don't worry, Mike, Mueller is going down! oh, by the way, i saw your picture on Wikipedia, Mike, you have a nice smile, never noticed that before, it was the first time i looked you up.

Mooch: you can stop shouting now, sir, no one heard the result.

at the New York Open:

Donald Young: what'd you call me?

Ryan Harrison: a bad tennis player. New York Open, huh? separate and apart from the U.S. Open. who knew?

Donald Young: we'll finish this conversation later like men. in the back of our apartments on our twitters.

Ryan Harrison: whoa. did you know Kevin Frazier did tennis? i guess he didn't relinquish ALL his sports cred for fluff entertainment.

Donald Young: yeah, i don't know anyone who has Tennis Channel. not even professional tennis players get Tennis Channel.

in a motel room in a modern South Korean city:

Alexa Scimeca Knierim: honey, we royally screwed that up. well, you did, i was on my lines. i know we said we're just happy to be here but once i got a taste of that ice i really wanted to do more. this trip has essentially been a waste.

Chris Knierim: sorry, dear.

Alexa: there's only one way to make it up to me. it's Valentine's Day. you promised me a baby. let's make one right here under these jade motel sheets, it's good luck. it has to be created on this one day of pure love. it's the only way to salvage this Olynpic experience, we're the only married couple in the entire Olympic Village. the Olympic way, stronger swimmers and all that. put one in me now before the room is up.

Chris: did i? can't we just be satisfied being the Kissing Couple?

Alexa strips her baubled outfit off and mounts her husband naked in nothing but her skates, the blades digging into Chris's knees.

Alexa: make me feel better, i've been sick lately.

Chris: so have i.

Chris shoots his cum all over her face.

Alexa: facial?!! i said baby!!!

Chris: give me a break, i've been sick lately. my aim is off.

Alexa: well that explains your jumps.

Chris: your face is just too cute not to honor it. that's how you honor a woman's beauty, right? i couldn't keep my cum hidden from you in you like that.

Adam Rippon enters the room then knocks.

Adam: knock knock. don't mind me, please continue with your lovers' quarrel. i am so above this drama. just came to retrieve my skates, i'm on in five.

Adam plucks the skates off Alexa's feet.

Adam: got'em. Alexa, show me sushi. just kidding.

Adam arrives just in time to see Shaun White make history. the snowboarder flings his helmet at the judges' heads and buries himself invisible in the snow after the victory. Adam retrieves him, plucks him out of the quicksand, and starts the worldwide clapping.

Adam: Shaun White, ladies and gentlemen, white gold, i love this man, i honor this man.

Adam checks the scores on his apple watch.

Adam: talk about mood whiplash.

Shaun's crying face matches his hair.

Shaun: buddy, we did it! it's over, i can retire without guilt. time to hit the gossip mags from now on. i'm gonna start up the band again. music is my real passion, i only use the halfpipe to get high.

Adam: that's a very Bad Thing.

Adam hands Shaun a drum machine.

Shaun: thanks, bruh, but i'm more into medieval folk rock.



Doryce: no, this was always my worst nightmare! not my age wrinkles.

Gladyce lies flaccid on the gravel ground, slimming into the sewer slime. her eyes are a constant source of dried-up water.

Gladyce: it hurts to see.

Doryce: close your eyes, dear, this world is too much for you. i'll lift you anywhere. i was always the muscular one in the group. course it would have helped if you hadn't canceled the swimming lesson.

Gladyce: let me borrow your glasses. ewww, when was the last time you cleaned these things!?

Doryce: thanks for cleaning them, dear, the spots were matching my liver spots. at our ages, all inanimate objects are sympathetic to our various plights.

Gladyce: i should have enough darkness in my soul to shade these glasses.

Doryce: no, honey, you are the lightness which will save us both. that is why this is so unfair. why didn't this happen to me?

Gladyce: i know you mean that sincerely. i can feel your heart. i can't feel mine currently. and that is why you are saveable.

Doryce: where does it hurt?

Gladyce: only when i breathe.

Doryce: let's get you out of these bus clothes and into the welcome darkness of my hodgepodge hovel. i'm afraid i don't have an extra bed...

Gladyce: you don't have a bed. you do it on the floor, which is quite common.

Doryce: stop your groveling, i'm on the case!

Gladyce: this is really gonna be a test. can a nice person stay nice while sick?

Doryce: irritability is an old woman's right. ordained by the goddess.

Gladyce: if you don't mind i want to stop talking now. it's not you, it's me. literally. i am feeling weaker than usual, which is saying something.

Doryce: i'll have you out of here in a jiffy. Russians think "jiffy" is the ultimate Americanism and learn that word first when they're training to be spies. there. nice and comfy on a cobweb in my too-big-for-me mansion.

Gladyce: get out your phone directory. i want to see the dust from it hit the roof. when was the last time you used a phone directory?

Doryce: when was the last time anybody? i don't think i've ever called on anyone before. now THIS is the holy grail of grimoires. this book is bigger than my vulva. i'll try to pry it open with my twiddling thumbs. twiddling from disease, i'm not voluntarily bored. do you think they'd be that direct about it? should i look under the W's?

Gladyce: i'll admit, darkness is a blessing, it's allowing me to think, to see straight, see in front of me. the Woman from Washington they call her, the medicine woman...

Doryce: i loved that show. they don't make shows like that anymore, forcing you to care about a time period long since dead. when life was wild and out-of-control but in a nostalgic way. simple but hard as fuck. i thought the name of the game was always forward progress. reminded me of when i was a girl and didn't have a phone in my hand.

Gladyce: look under the Q's for queer queens.

Doryce: yaaaas queen. found her. Federal Way, not far from here.

Gladyce: by foot it is.

Doryce: i got a long foot. but we got heart. i'll carry you anywhere after you carried me my whole life.

Gladyce: i see the digits of her phone number without looking at the book. i close my eyes and my other senses heighten. that really works, it's not just a Spider-Man thing. i wonder if that's a human thing, too.

Gladyce dials the number with her finger invisibly crossing the air.

Gladyce: that's my last bit for the rest of the day, love, i'm spent. good night.

Doryce: it's noon.

Gladyce: perfect for bats.

Doryce: got her. i'm getting her voicemail. she's saying, recordingly of course, that we two are the lucky ones for finding her as her number is not listed online. that is such a modern thing to say, i'm a bit worried. should we make an appointment?

Gladyce: oh don't you worry, honey, she'll sense us coming a mile away exactly.


Monday, February 12, 2018


1. tell us two reasons why you would stay in a bad relationship. the sex is filthy. loneliness. like Emma Thompson said in one of those Merchant/Ivory movies, "there's nothing out there but loneliness."
2. do you wish your private life was kinkier? i wish the whip wasn't invisible. i keep telling her it's the jet that's invisible, not the lasso. but Wonder Woman does what Wonder Woman wants. when she wears black nailpolish tho that really gets me hot.
3. tell us about your weirdest sexual experience. appropriately, it was on the luge. our mutual cum made the track even slipperier. it was the most beautiful thing. we orgasmed right at the red finish line. my mouth was in the O shape. her mouth was in the O shape. and it was an Olympic record on that track. OOO for the XXX, Valentine's.
4. can you have a totally hands-free orgasm? only if done by a professional. in the luge.
5. what tips can you give for staying hard (you personally or keeping your partner hard)? the ice is rock-hard to start with, use that as a "goals" example for your penis to follow. you want to keep that penis as hard as possible for drift. it acts as an extra nozzle stick. you need all the steering you can muster to control when you're out there on the luge. the thought of bumping one of those edges, going over the side, and plummeting to your death really maintains the erection.

bonus: is it okay to not celebrate Valentine's Day even though you have a partner? why or why not? do what your partner wants. i was dating someone who looked like a Valentine's candy heart. he had a rather morbid affinity for chocolate. all he did, all he was obsessed with, was turning everyone in the world into a candy bar and getting those bars in his belly. i tried to call it off but he ended up eating me. i was dating Majin Buu.


Friday, February 9, 2018



* false far........................that curling controversy has kept me up nights

* when this commercial first came out, the Earth-destroying meteor instagram emoji hadn't been out yet.

* the Revelation will be televised

* i tried to find a Super Bowl Commercial from last week for this but there just weren't any good ones.

* be sure to take that oil, you're gonna need to grease EVERYTHING.

* if you put junk in the laundry basket where will you put your laundered clothes?

* water, large bananas...

* that oil painting is a van Gogh original. rare, one of a kind. he predicted this in the painting as you can see. no one listened to him back then cos he only had one ear.

* Triple A estimates that the way most fatalities occur during the Apocalypse is from car crashes trying to get away from the Apocalypse, not the Apocalypse itself.

* ginger woman: we have more room! do we have any kids?

* ginger woman: i'm bringing the clothes! and the passports!
Rob Morrow: why'd you only take the suits and the dresses? are we absconding Bond villains?

* ginger woman: empty bottle of medicine on display sadly on our bathroom sink.
Rob Morrow: that's my hand cream.
ginger woman makes the Jenna Marbles face.
ginger woman: Jenna Marbles is married now. you gotta move on.

* Rob Morrow: did you save my video games!?
ginger woman: yes. why are you ripping our flatscreen from its wires roots!?
Rob Morrow: the video games are useless without a tv!

* ginger woman: COFFEE MAKER!!!
Rob Morrow: you really don't need to get more awake.

* ginger woman: sweep up my stolen jewelry.
Rob Morrow: oh yeah, we are Bond villains, forgot. what about this rare van Gogh of the Trojan Horse?
ginger woman: that's like saying you're the smartest horse.

* ginger woman: PILLOW!
Rob Morrow: i use your tits for my pillow.
ginger woman: RED BALL!
Rob Morrow: why is this ball so big?
ginger woman: it's my yoga ball i sit on.
Rob Morrow: but all i see when you do yoga is you sitting, not this ball. oh, now i get it, i knew there was a reason i married you.

* Rob Morrow: which one in the family plays golf?
ginger woman: i bought those clubs as insurance in case you ever get out of line.

* Rob Morrow: wait, the car won't start!
ginger woman: is it a Tiguan?
Rob Morrow: yes.
director: cut.
Rob Morrow: the thing just died. right when we needed it the most.

* ginger woman: is the Navigational Computer up and on and running and working?
Rob Morrow: still updating. these updates will take 24 hours to load.
ginger woman: we literally don't have 24 hours to wait. i'm not just being my usual impatient self.

* ginger woman: TOILET PAPER!
Rob Morrow: use your hand. i got hand cream.
ginger woman: JUICER!
Rob Morrow: the only juicer i need is you. you get my juices flowing. you're my juicer.
ginger woman: i was talking about my vape.


happy weekend, my babies. root for the home country. what i mean is, root for South Korea. i'm excited for the new events. which i understand are exactly like the old events just done in teams.

Thursday, February 8, 2018


Doryce: while you were away i had to occupy myself. it's getting harder and harder for me to be truly entertained. i took in a film at our local indie grindhouse theatre, No Hope Barn. it's steps away and still uses reel and tape. they tape up the reel with tape. and none of those bombastic speakers which fill your ear canals with blood. Paddington 2. seniors' discount. i got in for free, god bless Rated G! the movie was broken of course it was too summer-hot for the reel to reel so instead we got an impromptu presentation from a nice young lady on stage. she was skinny and freshfaced and pretty and carried with her an ominous-looking circle of wood which she used as her talking stick. natural microphone, i was quite fascinated. drawn and mesmerized. that was the first lecture i ever sat through, i should have gone to college, it would have been easy, i'm too scared. the young lady had just waded into the waters of acting waiting for her chance:

Auverin: being an actress is wild. it's like you're not human. you're an angel on red carpets, with one toe on the carpet and one foot in heaven. you don't lead a normal life and you never will. you are in a bubble of handlers and greeters and smilers. your job is to act but your life is an act. the Hollywood life is like you're standing on an ephemeral cloud, floating just above every normal one else who live real lives on the street. you're already in heaven. stop me if you've heard this before. i'm glad i took that audition. i think.

Doryce: do you mind if i eat while you talk? snuck in some goodies. i opened yet another unopened box of cat treats i never knew i had. they're bones of course.

Foles: that's why you have to take your shot. like me, i took my one and only shot. that's how you have to live life, like if this is always your one and only shot. sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. you gotta know when to fold 'em. and know when to be Foles.

Doryce: i like you, Foles. you seem precious. and you're skinny. do you know how you know a girl thinks she's hot? she wears black nailpolish.

Foles: do you know how the guys and i prepared? we saw a group movie before the Big Game, the one about how a band of brothers, cops, became a ring of crazy gun-toting thieves. Den of Thieves. really bonded us together.

Doryce: that's horrible. how is that supposed to inspire? although that one Pablo guy does look like Reali. you fellas should have seen Paddington 2. i think you have to see the first movie or you'll be completely lost. you needed to see Peter Rabbit. these are the movies which make you better, teach you how to live life. the Paddington Principle. niceness, gentleness, respect, wonder.

Foles: let the fur fly. i'm here on behalf of Disney. the Animal Tour.

Doryce: so there was that. and i fucked Bama. he was so bored with his classes i got him out of a lecture using his watch device thingie and a nurse's excuse. we should go to Stanford!

before they can blink, the two ladies are there, on top of the tallest tier of the lecture hall, Doryce shooting spitballs through a cafeteria straw landing them on Bama's hair. Bama swats at it like a fly and keeps sleeping in his book. the chalkboards get stuck together trying to slide past each other and the professor has to cancel class. for longer office hours.

Doryce: "longer office hours"? i know what that means.

Bama: come on, guys, he's cool. he has long hair on his chin. i'm his assistant. i also volunteer at the volleyball store for my job.

Doryce: nice red sweater. volleyball store? i always want your head to be a volleyball, not a mop.

Bama: let's go back to my dorm, i'll give you a tour of my room.

Doryce: wait.

Doryce takes out a pocket scissors from her front pocket and clips Bama's bangs.

Doryce: perfect.

Bama: i wanted to go to the barber's. i need to talk. i need friends.

Doryce: we can only be us.

at the dorm, Doryce is talking to Bama by phone in the neighboring dorm room.

Doryce: don't you hate those girls who rent a room and then are never there? where are they all the time? what a waste. can we come over now? hon you don't need to do that.

Gladyce is putting her ear against a tin can against the wall.

Gladyce: why didn't you save me?

Bama: sorry, ma'am, i forgot. i realized that day was my last day for registration. i'm training to be a lifeguard.

Doryce: well bless your little heart. let's grindhouse before you're any less cute than you are now.

afterwards, the two birds are walking gingerly on one foot to the campus bus stop.

Doryce: we should have gone to college, Gladyce. i noticed you were tired throughout.

Gladyce: it's okay, Doryce, you're the one who enjoys all the maneuvering and positioning.

Doryce: of body parts, yes.

Gladyce: was it drafty for you?

Doryce: that's how it's supposed to be, dear.

Gladyce: well i did enjoy that one flyer. swimming class. i'm sure the Camus Campus Pool is vastly superior.

Gladyce drops to her knees in a thud.

Doryce: get up, dear, the bus man won't see us.

Gladyce begins crying profusely though her eyes. all the water of the campus pool drains out of the pool and out of Gladyce's two soggy wrinkly eyes.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018



Nikki Haley: Chris, i'm so sorry. why didn't you wear your Eagles cap on air?

Chris Matthews: i only have a Phillies cap.

Nikki: isn't it all the same thing? Philly, Pittsburgh? Pirates, Stillers?

Chris has a shocked look on his face, eyes glazed over.

Chris: the only Stiller i know is Ben. the only Philadelphia i'm interested in now are those Philadelphian suburban moms who will sway the election again in '20.

President Bump: how'd you guys like my SOTU?

Chris: President? thought you'd never be caught dead in our studio again.

Bump: i'd have to be dead here. which is a real possibility. just swinging by to see the missus.

Nikki: please don't look at me when you say that.

Bump: we got the SOTU of the POTUS and the FLOTUS, in separate cars cos she didn't want to stain her dress. that's a lot of TU. get it?

Nikki: where'd he go?! i wanted to ask him something sternly.

Bump: and POOF i'm back in my hamburger bed. Mooch, get it done.

Mooch: i will prepare anything you want cooked, sir. but i'm not sure about this parade. it will be bonzo expensive. the taxpayers won't like it.

Bump: i'll pay for it out of my own holey pockets. i'm rich, remember?

Mooch: oh yeah. but those heavy tanks will tear up all the asphalt on Pennsylvania.

Bump: Washington, not Pennsylvania. and not the state. fine, just have the asphalt loaders drive down the boulevard. and other cranes and cement-mixer trucks and stuff, the ones with the revolving cylinder drums in the back, those are so cool, look like my Transformers toys. and that crane with the ball and chain, those are always formidable. and the scraper. it's more about the pageantry of the thing than recruitment.

Mooch: this is sounding more unfeasible the more you open your mouth. how about you just do a parade at Disneyland? you said yourself it was more about the atmosphere. they are booked solid till a lone Wednesday afternoon in spring. we'll close the entire park down, we'll fake a terrorist attack evacuation order, you'll have the whole place to yourself, free reign. you can march down the avenues by yourself holding anything you want. no one will be in attendance, it will be so solemn.

Bump: fine. but only if i get one of those felt mickey-ear hats with my name embroidered in heavy rope. full of heavy ropes. i never got that the first time. and i want it to say Donnie, not Donald.

Mooch: Duck?

Bump: hey you know what i want now? a rocket! STOP THE SPACEX LAUNCH! wait for me to climb on!

Bump: sorry about that. too many cheeseburgers. AND WE BLAST OFF!!! now this is more like it! bird's eye view of the world. eagle's eye, sorry. what's your name? you have smooth skin i'm rubbing now.

SpaceX: SpaceX. i'm running away from home. i don't have any more parents.

Bump: that's rough. see if i can't make you feel better. all it takes is a stroke. of luck. wanna come work for me? we need successful companies. we're losing a lot. of companies.

SpaceX: i don't know, i have a checkered past.

Bump covers his ears.

Bump: don't tell me about your wives, i don't wanna know. that's the FBI's job. i told Mueller to bring me the memo but he hasn't gotten back to me. i thought we were email buddies. memos are fine but they're words. a photo really livens things up. i like pictures. oh hai, Kim!

Kim flies next to the President on SpaceX on top of his own Korean rocket. on an even course.

Bump: what are you doing here?

Kim: perfect way to watch the Olympics. who needs cable? stupid Americans think this is the Goodyear Blimp they are so distracted by their sports. no offense.

Bump: i don't like football anymore. how's your sister? i mean i know how your sister is, it's just a formality.

Kim: my, uh, sister? oh yeah, right, sister. have you seen her? can't find her anywhere. it's like she disappeared.

Bump: how did your athletes train in time?

Kim: what do you think all of the South Korean team's bobsleds are made of? my failed rocket launches. what are you doing here?

Bump: trying to achieve the biggest show. oh there's Rosenstein down there, i can see that shine. Rosenstein! up here! walk with me. let's do something together. and then i'm gonna fire you. i wanted to do it during the Super Bowl but i couldn't find you. it's gonna have to be the Opening Ceremonies then.

Rosenstein: um, this is Ari Fleischer. i've lost a lot of weight. green coffee extract. banned by our Government. turned my skin green. i'm Gollum.

Bump: i've heard about you people and your sick legends.



yes indeed Gladyce has been at the bottom of that pool for some time now. a whole day. a whole day goes by which turns to night when the next batch of old-fogie revelers trying to regain their youth and recapture their gilded memory sign up for jazzercise or whatever old singles program. they splash away unbeknownst of their heritage or what they are leaving behind. no one notices poor old quiet Gladyce at the bottom of their private ocean there, poor gal never gets noticed, never has gotten noticed during her long span. it helps or rather hurts that she's a sound sleeper, never makes a move, a sound, a ripple. the seniors are taught to stay above the rim if you will in their flotation devices and never let their widdle feet touch the dangerous deep end.

in a break in the action, when the pool is turned off, well the lights are for lunch, and all personnel and guests are cleared, is when Gladyce saunterlies up from her slumber and glides to the surface like a fish who opens her eye, or rather keeps her eye open, realizing the miraculous gift of another breath and upturns herself again. and she walks out of the building with no security no worse for wear but wet, her dibble toes leaving a trail of drenched droplets which remain little lakes in the hardsoil forever.

Doryce: where have you been, honey!?! i was worried! call next time. telepathically if you're out.

Doryce shakes the shoulders out of Gladyce.

Doryce: i smell something on your breath. have you been...............drowning? you smell like you drowned.

Gladyce: oh no, dear, you mustn't worry so hard. your pretty little head must remain the pretty one in the group. i'm made of sterner stock. we have been fortified against such things thanks to my generations' guile.

Doryce: my LifeAlert ran out of batteries.

Gladyce: my LifeAlert just ran away.


Gladyce: no idea.

Doryce: you are such a gentle glass to me. poor darling. come in, you'll catch your death. i mean your cold.

Gladyce: been awhile since i stepped foot in the old house. stept in it. like what you've done with the place.

Doryce: this old thing? just a place to lay my weary bones. complete with cobwebs and stepmother shutters which stay open. a spiral staircase which leads to a clean attic and a large ancient oil painting instead of a roof. that Bama is quite the brat! i'm gonna have to give him a piece of my mind next time i see him. you see i was in such a good mood when i was with him before and i am ashamed of that now. i promise you i came but not as loudly as i usually do.

Gladyce: i assumed he helped you put away your groceries?

Doryce: it is such a splendid service, isn't it? many times we elderly simply don't have the company we were afforded cos we had to work or had to go to school. where else do you meet friends?

Gladyce: you can meet dance partners all over but not true friends.

Doryce: this is why i spend $300 a pop every two weeks. the nourishment is nice but i want that ass under my rickety roof when it rains and the oil paint starts to run. Bama is always so cheerful, he was born with the helpful gene. he's not stupid, just really really happy. i love when he drives me back home, picks me up by the passenger's seat, launches me over my threshold and i get stuck lodged into my spiral staircase.

Gladyce: you have a threshold? those spiral staircases are a dangerous hazard.

Doryce: that would never happen if it's just steps. the poor dear is so concerned for my well-being he doesn't leave the refrigerator door open as he puts my food away. scared i might enter the refrigerator and close the door like i was some young woman in need of saving. i pay not for the foodstuffs but for the conversation.

Gladyce: to get stuffed! you're on a budget but you still need to eat. call it a budget bang.

Doryce: i suppose it's my own version of a one-night stand.

Gladyce: we'll call it a well-being check.

Doryce: i've been getting forgetful lately. i buy all these new shiny bottles but never use them. ain't that always the way. and it's a waste for two weeks. just this last week i tried to find the special mustard i bought but i scoured the three milks and couldn't find it. Bama needs to alphabetize. he needs to learn the alphabet. so i just gave up and used the old mustard.

Gladyce: that old squeezed-out bottle in the back of your fridge? looks like a flat penis? that thing's older than you! i saw that before i saw you!

Doryce: got the last drops. what a waste of a life. but i just don't have the will anymore. got some Campari tomatoes.

Gladyce: are you sure it wasn't a bottle of Camparie soda?

Doryce: and those little pitchers of old coffee. i read the expiration dates this time like you warned me. i used my glasses. that stuff was a week old and still on the shelf like newborn babies. what a scam. by the time we drink it it will just barely be good. all that grounds sludge will mess with our gums.

Gladyce: i don't read expiration dates. i don't want to know when i'll go.

Doryce: and green coffee.

Gladyce: that's a scam. green coffee extract is not organic, it's murderous. we don't need something which will kill us sooner. let's stop pretending we were ever hippies. we're WAY older than that.

Doryce: some of us still have a reason to lose weight.

Gladyce: or a Bama.

Doryce: he and i talked about the weirdest things. for hours. the whole time i kept looking around and up and thinking how my house smelled. it smelled of temporariness. perhaps it was his exuberant energy filling the walls. and i had a lot of free time.

Gladyce: how long was i gone?

Doryce: you were out for 30 days, dear.