Wednesday, October 31, 2012


click above for a rare sighting of one of my multiple personalities, The Hand, in a more-eerie-than-scary not-quite-right old-timey photograph
folks, on this Halloween Night, before the mischief, before the scares and the scars and the screams and the goblins and the ghosts of dead loved ones, before proving yourself cool to the older bullies or getting it on for the first time with a gorgeous full-lipped woman, both things accomplished at an abandoned haunted house, meddling mothers and fractious fathers, before the inevitable Halloween After-Party Orgy, and the true Halloween horror of living alone, please put down your carton of rotten eggs for a moment, your whipped cream for your boo, and your boos for your bad neighbors, your rolls and endless rolls of toilet paper, and reflect, we must reflect on this night, think about our lives and how we are connected and desperately apart, we must ponder as we look through our open-aired and water-logged houses, now with no more facade, what facades do we still put up with others? put down your Obamney mask, your penis glitter, your glow-in-the-dark dildos, and your full bars of chocolate, and reflect...think deeply like the old Catholic monks and monkesses used to do, like Teresa, the Catholic rock stars of ages and galaxies long ago and far away, have a Dark Night of the Soul where you question everything, put down the apple-bobbing and the cock-bobbing and the bad, tacky princess costumes and the artificial dry ice smoke and cotton-candy spider webbing for one moment...and pick up your lighters, flick that beautiful diamond-encrusted lighter you got from an ebay mugging, engage that flame, turn it on and stare at the flame, reflect upon that flickering flame, that fire is you, that flame is your life: hot, burning with passion, on, fueled by desire and jealousy, destined to one day flicker out, to end, to end with no explanation nor meaning, this weathered journey, and that is why it is beautiful:

Monday, October 29, 2012


THE LONG AND SHORT OF IT...why am i thinking i'm gonna get the short of it?
1. what is the longest relationship you have been in? 30 years or so, long long time, myself, or rather, my multiple personalities, there's Hank the surly trick driver, Bethany the party girl, One Eye Sal the stool, and Blogspot the blog writer, he's the one who is technically typing this right now. there's also The Hand...
2. what is the shortest relationship you have been in? it just ended at this very moment...i just was all in my head
3. how often do you have sex? how often do you want it? have: not so much, want: even when i'm sleeping...especially when i'm sleepin' and havin' the vivid wild sex dreams
4. how long does sex usually last? one second
5. have you ever had an experience where someone couldn't perform, finished too quickly, or couldn't keep up with you? do tell: this is really embarrassing, but okay: well, back then, no one could keep up with me, so, well, the dorm room was covered in white for days...the smell of satisfaction wafted through the room for least we gave the room a much-needed paint job, that coat stuck!
6. if you could have only one "type" of sexual encounter for the rest of your dying days, which would it be?: a) short and sweet b) wham bam thank you ma'am c) here for the long haul d) slow and tender: gotta go with wham bam thank you ma'am just 'cause that is one of the best expressions ever invented...although i do like it slow and tender like a good spitfire roast.
bonus: would you consider ending an otherwise loving and healthy relationship if the sex wasn't what you expected? HELL NO, you know how hard it is to find true love and health in this impossible world nowadays? sex isn't really that big of a deal, as long as i can cuddle with my babe on a thousand custom specially-delivered pillows and my stuffed-animal collection which the internet said was unique and one-of-a-kind, that's all life is about: cuddling, pillows, clicking for that million-dollar stuffed, rare, only-one-in-existence dodo bird...and you

Friday, October 26, 2012


okay, i want EVERYONE TO COMMENT, everyone to participate in this, all of my blogspot and wordpress friends and even those who come here from and youtube, EVERYONE TO COMMENT!!! please answer the following five festive questions:
1. what costume are you wearing this Halloween? for the fellas: i'm expecting a costume that's hipster and cool, that follows the memes on twitter and the trends on youtube, like a Gangnam Style getup, that sort of thing. for the ladies: i'm expecting a sexy costume, maybe even slutty, it's the one night of the year, y'know?
2. recount in full detail the time you stole a kiss from your sweetheart while the two of you were lost in the hay maze.
3. choose: getting tipsy off the smoking punch, or getting a massive ache from downing an entire package of candy corn
4. what elaborate carving are you gonna attempt on your plain pumpkin's face this year? what will be the final detailed, work-intensive, pop-culture-reference jack-o-lantern? pics or it didn't happen.
5. who do you want to fuck at the Halloween party you're going to this year?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


click above on Mila going at it on Natalie in Black Swan to watch this series swim away like a black swan, never to be seen and heard again, into the autumn glow
how i see myself now is gone
what if i never existed at all?
the unique beauty of a black swan
from which all temporary blessings fall
can't help but think i live
in a dream within a dream within a dream
waking up to more blog work
is there where i finally fit?
the black swan and late phoenix on a secret pond
mate and produce a child so rare
the gods had to sprinkle bread crumbs
to distract the parent pair
can't help but think i live
in a dream within a dream within a dream
energy drinks cause cancer
is this really what it all means?
saying goodbye is fruitful
swimming away one last time
saying goodbye is fruitful
to mark the moment in time
swimming goodbye is fruitless
this beauty was never ours
return it to owner in space/time
and breathe in the pond's cold chime:

Monday, October 22, 2012


1. what one part of your sex life today would most surprise the younger 17-year-old self you? that it's practically nonexistent. i was your typical youth boy, dreaming of becoming a fireman and fucking all the babes in the world. after my fireman duties were over, i'd take off my brown fireman pants, fold them neatly in a corner by the dalmatian, don my Chris Columbus pimp tricorn hat, get on a boat built with strong plank wood, and travel the seas in search of the fabled Iceland Babes, the ones who never quit. dreams, they fuel. life, it destroys.
2. what one thing might shock that younger you? blogs, the whole concept of blogs and the temperaments and psychological makeup of those who blog. books are being written on my me, but i'd let my younger self help with the about a time-travel mindfuck, the younger me is analyzing the older me and taking notes on my depression in order to avoid his future depression, it's better than another paid hour session with the shrink, the clue i give my younger self, of course, is a certain blonde in drama class...not that i'm obsessed with this period in my life or anything.
3. what part of the younger you do you look back on as the older you with a great big nostalgia arrow through the heart? this is some Doctor Who shit, i love all this time-travel stuff, the impossibility, the nullification of Heaven if time-travel were to truly be achieved, Fry from Futurama as both Fry and Fry's grandfather, i can talk about this and theorize for days, weeks if i have my energy bars. sexually, though, it goes back to the innocence of it all, the holding of hands, the blushing, real love, before cum, clit juice, and a mortgage get in the way.
4. is there anything in the younger you's sexual fantasties/ambitions you have left to fulfill? try everything, everything on the list, the sexual bucket list, i despise bucket lists, you can't quantify life into a checklist because life doesn't finish when you finish. so unless it's an Eternal List (wink wink), i'm not down. now sexual bucket lists are another matter, they're hot: mine includes stuff like doing it on the roof of a cramped Manhattan hipster lodge, sliding in a quarter into the local gumball dispenser slot and spitting out a clear plastic bubble container (remember those?) not with gum or a stamp inside, but with a love note inside, going to get an Archie comic but leaving with a Tijuana Bible instead after the dark hippie at the counter bullies me into the purchase, and of course everyone's fantasy: kissing in church.
bonus: give your 17-year-old self sex advice: when i was seventeen, it was a very good year, it was the last year i knew who i was...the years which follow will be more with your hand than with a dame...turn back now, your adult life will be lame...but you still have your writing, it's the only thing not cry, do not be's just the way it is, stiff upper lip, here comes the lid...this song of mine got to #1 in the Philippines charts, no joke

Friday, October 19, 2012


i'm not gonna get political, but i will get milfy. there are a lot of ways to waste time on the internet, to let your meaningless days wither and expire, but the most soul-crushing and deadening is to engage in political discourse with random strangers online. i mean, seriously, have you ever talked about world events with a Sonic furry? it ain't pretty. Krystal Ball, the babe with the hippie name, is on The Cycle on MSNBC, i catch bits of this show here and there while chomping down bites of my sandwich lunch, i notice the two babes in the foursome more than any scintillating points being expressed. i'll get to S.E. Cupp and her hot bespectacledness and double-entendre name later. the four call each other Cyclists, i think that's cute, reminds me of Lance Arm...y'know what? maybe we should be like Nike and drop him for the time being and Just Don't Do It. whenever the other panelists talk about their pop-culture crushes, Krystal always takes it back to her daughter and the pictures daughter draws and crayons for Mamma and such, that's what makes her a warm and caring person, i'm attracted to that motherliness, that's the mother part of MILF. the ILF part of MILF came when she was involved in this sexy Crimbus pic scandal. many criticized her for this as she was seeking office at the time, but i say after this, she cemented my vote for her. people don't vote on the economy, stupid, they vote for sex...and who has the best binder. Trapper Keeper Nation Unite!!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


click above on my abstract getaway for #3 of 4
sick of walking on eggshells online
fuck the eggshells, i say, cook them into an omelette
the words will never be elegantly stated
but they will always be elegant words
i wreck it all up again
wreck it all up again
Wreck-It Ralph can't defend
wreck it
why just yesterday i flubbed over myself at The Store
where the developmentally-challenged sweeper works daily with a smile
told him not to get "crazy" at the Halloween parties this year
didn't mean it, but he now thinks i'm a jerk
and i realize for the umpteenth time that there is a doomed quality to my interacting
i wreck it all up again
wreck it all up again
handsome face can't begin
wreck it
the greatest crime, though, for a writer like me
is missing the easy reference or joke when i comment
it cuts to the very heart of my ability and assurance and sure footing in this world that i matter when i make someone feel and laugh
i vomit
and wreck it all up again
wreck it all up again
running away again
wreck it
to get in the getaway car with me to think
as i drive away from all of my problems
and hope that the searing light deigns for me to crumble

Monday, October 15, 2012


SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE JUST FRIEND! banjo, music, sweet songs for the morn, that's what i meant, strings being plucked and sucked, your strings being plucked...
1. have you ever had a friendship with someone where you secretly (or not so secretly) desired them? yes, and that is why i blog. desire guides me, enters me, controls me, i type because i desire, i desire to have the one that got away all those years ago, each word i type is precious, for it could be my last, the blow could decide to work deadly on me this time, so i hope with each breath and with each word typed that i reach my beloved, the woman i desire the most, the blogger, the soul mate, my missing piece, my friend, *puts fist on heart*
2. are you prone to suspicion, jealousy, or insecurity when your partner spends time with an attractive close friend without you? why? no partner, no friends, no attractive close friends, though strangely, i do have a pen-pal buddy who is attractive but not in the conventional sense, old bingo ladies desire him from afar, that's it, that's his only demographic. also, he's a he, so there's no sexual tension when we pen-pal each other, though we did fuck in college. i'm suspicious, jealous, and insecure about my writing style, i feel that it's just not good enough.
3. has a previously-platonic friendship ever blossomed into a sexual relationship? no, damnit, i wanted it to, if it had, you wouldn't now know me, i'd be in the Riviera blowing my winnings on blow and gash. then again, i wouldn't be as sensitive to my own feelings and other bloggers' feelings as i am now, so, y'know, everything happens for a reason. again, i don't like to rehash the whole blonde drama student episode in my life over and over, if you really want to read about it, it's in a post here at this blog somewhere, near the start of this blog, a year or so ago, something like that, i can't tell time anymore, one week ago might as well be one decade ago, all the years just kinda melt together for me into one black line, i still write my checks "1995", it's still time for me to check out the new episode of DUCKTALES on channel 7 at 3PM this afternoon in the Disney Block.
4. have you ever remained close friends with an ex-lover? hello? is anybody out there? i'm dying over here. no, no, all of my ex-lovers hate me, they say i ruined their lives, and they are correct. i'm out of crackers, i need my munchies, the doctor says i need my salt crackers or i get imbalanced, need to maintain that salt level, turns out the pills he prescribed never achieved what a few salt crackers could...
bonus: have you ever developed feelings for a friend with benefits? how did it develop, unfold, resolve? i'll say it for the umpteenth time: the Perfect relationship between a man and a woman is the friend with benefits route, both parties get the sex, and both remain friends 'cause they don't have to marry or go steady and put up with all that wedding/marriage drama and relationship drama. trust me, it's true, i've learned from experience, would i lie to you? this works, burn all of your other self-help books in a small fire on your front lawn and listen to me, this is real, it works. do people say "go steady" anymore? back in the '50s you say? again with the time thing...