Shelley Duvall: despite having a hard life i'm the most passionate and intrinsic creature who ever graced this Earth as a being. during The Shining i wanted to make SURE to SHOW that this couple was loving and affectionate, so i held Jack Nicholson's hand in a scene, that wasn't in the script.
Jack Nicholson: i just wanted to hate you from the start. cold.
Shelley: look at me now in 2024. go on, take a look. in my last role in that horror movie. look deep into my eyes, they aren't haunting, they are wisdomous. i'm not a scary old woman, i'm a woman who has LIVED LIFE. i'm not Sloth from The Goonies.........come to think of it, i wish i had been in The Goonies, The Goonies is kinda the quintessential Shelley Duvall Movie, you know?
Steven Spielberg: i didn't want to call Jack Nicholson on his private line after dinner time...
Jules Smith: you took so long to brew the tea the PG Tip topped!!! damn thing tipped over, never seen anything like it, the tea sachet hardened into a stone.
me: the two of us in an English garden, one Pimm's cup, two straws...
Jen R and i are at the saloon.
me: okay um a Double Cheeseburger, fries,
Jen: and a Strawberry Shake to match my pink grandma sweater. wait they won't have that here, this is a saloon.
Skylar in a red flamenco dress: you had too many items, sugar. we do have McDonald's at this saloon but after-hours in the whore rooms upstairs...
Jen: if climate change continues this way pretty soon we're all gonna be living in bubbles.
me: no wonder i'm always depressed.
Jen: it's a neat little twist in human evolution, an unforeseen trick.
the bubble from the Trouble game: there was no global warming in the Wild West.
Bart BB: yeah there was, in the whore rooms upstairs from the saloon, inside my six-shooter, and inside my pants.
Jen: imagine Lost in Translation but with Ed Norton and Salma Hayek...
we're at Kame House learning yoga techniques from Tai.
Tai: Master Roshi pinched my butt.
Master Roshi: you got a nice nimbus.
Jen: you know what the Y in YMCA stands for? Yoga.
Tai: yoga was brand new in the '80s...
me: i tried doing yoga with weights but it didn't take, i got chicken legs.
Minster: now THIS is the spot for meditation!!! a monastery on a desert island...
Gilligan: i was studying for the priesthood when we got shipwrecked. but then i saw Mrs. Howell's vag in the coconut outdoor shower.
outdoor bath: jacuzzi.
Bianca Borges: i'm Miranda Priestly but nice.
ALF: Benji Gregory, give me a hug. a hug full of fur. i'll make the pain go away, remember the magic of the '80s?.........while i'm at it i might as well hug and comfort that drugged-out writer we had, too.
Benji Gregory: i served this nation's military valiantly with my dog Benji by my side. as in the Benji from the '80s.
Benji the '80s dog: you were named after me.
Benji Gregory: as you can tell from my hat i was the inspiration for Paperboy...
Shelley Duvall: do you know how i know i'm a celestial? i drank the Gummiberry Juice backstage at Faerie Tale Theatre.
Jim Henson: i had no time for you, Shelley, i was busy showing Debbie Harry my puppet...
me: walking helps with dementia.
Jen: i need that.
me: also helps with strengthening your heart.
Jen: i like you as a friend.
the Animaniacs: we covered the Strange Tower in wood paneling all around to make it look like a harmless water tower...
TWO Sun Light & Power white vans in the Carmel Hotel parking lot? in separate parking spaces?!!! there's an affair going on...
the Monopoly Moneybags Man: i drive a silver-bullet-train-to-Osaka rocketship car now. with a LONG front.
Bart BB: looks like my six-shooter.
the Monopoly Moneybags Man: the little brother from Better Off Dead? he's fine, he won my Monopoly Game and gave the $1 million dollars to the paperboy. he watches the original Dragon Ball on Mars now. McDonald's dumped me when i signed on with the vegan company Burger King...
Joe Biden: Spaceballs 2 should be a SERIOUS DRAMA, not a space-opera spoof. Mel Brooks is 100 years old like me, right? see? we old guys do some WORK.
Pasqually: shouldn't there be a confetti emoji by now?...
Shelley Duvall: penthouse chicken from tomato soup, not tomato PASTE.
Hugh Hefner: you're too pure for me.
Shelley Duvall: i'm still here. don't worry, i'm just in the Forest Hills. i'm winsome. i'm like manna from heaven, i drop in after a long break. i dreamt up being a goddess. i invented eccentricity. and electricity in the eye. all cherubic faces from Dutch oil paintings are patterned after my face. i'm the reason there were Cabbage Patch Kids. i created goth. i viddy your soul with my Brewster McCloud Eyes. do not weep for me with your eyes, look in my eyes. i'm now Mary in Heaven.
Shelley Duvall: look in my eyes.
Peter Gabriel: ...
Peter Gabriel: i see.........that you're Twiggy's mom...
Talia the cat: i eat bacon. but i'm besties with Miss Piggy.
Dirg at Safeway: i know that woman. i recognize her butt.
Mimi at Safeway: i'm the newest goth-band bass player, call me Draculass. in honor of Shelley Duvall, a true eccentric original.
Shelley: you have to concede, i'm hotter than Elvira. i'm beautiful in a way no one else will ever be.
Mimi: my favorite music is Michael Bolton. i look like Michael Bolton with long black hair. my mother is Judith Noble. i'm on the 15 Items or Less Lane because supposedly that's easier for a trainee, but it's actually harder. o to be young and only concerned with surfing again.
Patti Smith in Rothko Chapel: yeah Sonic Smith, i liked that guy, he looked like a hedgehog but he was cute. we shall not mention the other guy's name.........known colloquially as Maple Syrup...
Patti Smith: my brother Todd...
Roger Federer: i'm right here, Patti...
John Cusack: you made me look like an IDIOT up there.
Savage Steve Holland: yes but there's a Better Off Dead Broadway play because of you...
John Cusack: that makes me feel worse.
The Twilight Zone "Devil's Alphabet".
Mark Hamill: see? my natural accent is British. my face did eat one too many Ding Dongs...
Gerhard Richter: you've never heard of me but i'm Picasso.
Kenyatta: it's like when people comment on a Wikipedia writer's page and say the writer is not notable...
Jen at the saloon.
Jen: Clamato helps me see, it's health food for my eyes. is my hair done yet?
Shelley: right? Margot Kidder is my little sister.
Margot Kidder: i was always scared of my big sis Shelley for being so effervescent, i was always so glum.
Dan Gilroy: Rene Russo?!!! come on. Shelley likes spaghetti.
Shelley Duvall: and Victorian English poetry by the marshes.
Mary Shelley: when i wrote Frankenstein i was envisioning the Prometheus being like Shelley Duvall.
Rothko Chapel: we're not just one big-screen TV...
Shelley Duvall: i want ONLY Tanya Reynolds to play me in the Lifetime movie. Kubrick caused the Northridge earthquake. i know now why Charlton Heston rubs me the wrong way, it has to do with sliding plates...
Stanley Kubrick: sorry for never inviting you over for dinner, Shelley...
Hermann Hesse: 123456789 10 11 TWE-EL-EL-EL-EL-EL-ELVE!!!
Hermann Hesse: your whole life you thought it was Herman Hesse...
V8: if you want to live.........a healthy life.
Jen: it's the greatest non-alcoholic cocktail.
Sloppy Thurston: i'm on an island praying to Mary. my teammates don't get my deal. V8 only goes with sloppy joes.
hot dog: a sloppy joe is not a burger...
Candice Night: Medieval Folk saved my life. because only i knew the lyrics to the song...
Candice Night: Medieval Folk is the music of the night...
Avebury: where Children of the Stones was filmed...
Harry Shearer: i mark time by the time between a movie and its sequel...
President Obama: why can't i be President for Life?.........i mean, think about it...
Dave Chappelle: without standing people.
Anthony Bourdain: but i needed to stand people.
Tony Hawk: get your Free Slurpee today at participating 7-Elevens in Westwood. in a cup designed by my son featuring his skateboard at age 5.
Bjork: make mine an Icee, European tap water is unsafe to drink except in Reykjavik, where it's ice. sugarcubes? nah, i snort iodine tabs.
Larry: i'm Jack Tripper without the misunderstandings.
John McEnroe at PBS: we weren't gods.........okay maybe Bjorn Borg was a Norse god.
Panda Express fortune-cookie fortune: have a meal with someone you love. is this a cruel joke? my girlfriend lives on the other side of the planet!!!...
Shelley Duvall: i stirred and conjured magic to appear.
Gladyce and Doryce: Shelley Duvall is our Witch Mama!!!
Goodwill: NO!!! don't get rid of your DJ turntables!!! live your dream!!!
Chipotle: instead of starting a fire, go to a Chipotle. eat something at a Chipotle.
Super Mario palming his head tipping his cap off: i feel so bad when i'm wheeling back the gardeners' leaf bins to my mushroom house and i haven't paid my guys for this work.
Toad living in a Lucky grocery cart: ...
Bart BB in a puff of six-shooter smoke turns into a beautiful woman.
Bart BB: get it now? i'm Bethany Van Nuys.
Jen: i don't watch Mad Men. nobody watches Mad Men.
Bart BB: you need an attention span for that, like Black Mirror.
Jen: you needed an attention span during that college hazing.
Bart BB: go back home. to Van Nuys. to find the truth. to find the answers.
me: wish i could.
the three of us are by the fire of the LONG ASH of Shelley Duvall's cigarette.
me: happy weekend, my babies. TOMORROW: FINALLY, TOGO's has BBQ beef!!!
Jen: now that's a summer sandwich.
Shelley Duvall: think about it.........really think about it, the TOGO's BBQ beef sandwich isn't new...
1 comment:
Simply Brilliant!
Post a Comment