* sorry for all the spit falling out of my mouth, i REALLY need to see a dentist
* spoiler: the steaks magically turn out perfectly medium-rare. and they taste WAY better than those dashboards eggs...
* DISCLAIMER: not here for the pyromaniacs. inspiring the artists? we're here for that.
* Pangaea in a billion years...in the future...
* when your wish goes horribly wrong
* from now on, fireworks=Joe Pera
* IcyHot commercial outtake before they wrestled Shaq away from Papa John's
* well the President DID say to rake all the leaves to avoid forestfires. he was wearing a ranger hat, too, a red one
* remember the British Office? this is why David Brent didn't want any fire exits for wheelchair-bound employees.
* didn't work out this time, but these dummies provided the raw material for the bounce house that was used the next time where they all jumped. landing like a sack of spongey potatoes
* No Wimpy Kid Allowed At This Bodega
* it's not my fault, ma! i'm not addicted to smokes! i'm addicted to sex!!!
* ma: what do you do all alone in your apartment at night all night, son?
son: feed my buxom lighter spaghetti.
* she loves DJ Marshmallow, not you.
* lovesick: do you love me?
lighter: sure, but i can't do it unless we have the apple cider. it's not you, it's just they're cosmic crisps.
* kid, CHOOSE THE REAL GIRL!!! CHOOSE THE REAL GIRL!!! THOSE ARE ANIME TITS, TITS LIKE THAT DON'T EXIST IN NATURE!!!
* the Haunted Mansion employees finally had enough of their human captors...
* skeletons: hey guys, where's '20s Mickey Mouse?
skeletons: uh....this bonfire sure is warm...
skeleton: i'm the punk one! you can tell, one of my bones sticks up out of my head like a mohawk, my dad here wears the bowler hat and works in an office at a papers.
skeleton: i can turn on and off the Clapper just by blinking.
skeleton: i can imitate Freud and Hamlet but i have to give the professor a flower.
skeleton: we invented ska. ska is short for skeleton. all organs used to be made of bones, not pipes, that's why they were always so doomy-sounding.
* skeletons: HEY GUYS! WE CAN STILL DO HUMAN CENTIPEDE!!!
* woman: i want my death pose to be...like an artistic nude, like non-sexual Christian naturism. then again, when i'm dead, the pose won't really matter to me. i bet those guys down there in Pompeii are having a good laugh at our expense right now.
* pool of lava, not blood
* this is a REALLY rejected Jamie Lee Curtis ENSURE commercial. this was back when everyone was going apeshit over death panels.
* and i turn into Mystique...
* the lost Kurt Cobain/Trent Reznor collab
* Marriage: A Still Life. see, one wanted the PBS totebag but the other voted the other way. one forgot to get the milk and so drowned in the lost milk in the most Freudian way possible. the flame of passion was always there but always just out of reach on the other side of the bed.
* lumberjack: i'm not gay. is there any more clay around here or is it all wood? look, i'm not the lumberjack, i work for PG&E...
* not my tits, my ass. my eyes are yellow cos ironically for all the trees around here none have Vitamin-C-fruit. we have to supplement with Airborne, 30 miles to the general store.
* THIS Ark is gonna be real!!!
* wife: smoking a cigarette while building the wood ship?
husband: sorry, i get distracted. i was thinking back to my first love. i could never break the habit, see i had this tits lighter who became my girlfriend but she left me, she wanted to be bathed in oil all the time, it got expensive.
* wife: NOOOOOO! why'd you do it!!? i thought you were gonna build a spaceship for the family to escape on!
husband: didn't you see the signs? look, you were a beautiful wife, i love the kids, but you were always meant to be with Professor X, Mystique. blame that ancestry.com you gave me for Christmas last Christmas, i found out there i had Viking blood. don't call my mom, she's just a ball of clay by now, ready to be a girl-with-glasses's penny...i mean look around this place! there are no rivers in this entire area!
* the very first piece i ever learned to play on the organ
* Phoenix: nipples or penii?
Robert Crumb: both.
* The Alien Child will save us. London Bridge will be fortified. and the L.A. River won't be more space for parking lots.
* Alien: oh, i see you REALLY like your spaghetti!
human race: is our world flat?
Alien: as flat as my eyes...
* it all must end---as all things must end---with an Icelandic dirge that ancient tree-sprites once danced to with lyrics which roughly-translate as:
Mama Earth is Sorrow
* Greta Thunberg took time out of her busy schedule to sing this, too, to wake you bastards up!
Greta: will the textbooks be the same on Mars?...
CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: i'm proud to announce IT'S RAINING!!! so imma stay inside all weekend and won't go out...even for food...oh who am i kidding, In N Out no matter what...THERE'S A SECRET MENU YOU SAY!!?