Marie Yovanovich: you thought i'd have a thick Russian accent, huh. fooled ya.
President Bump: Yo Masha! what up, girl? oh i like it when you smile, you should smile more for me. i'm just your friendly neighborhood John. Kaepernick's only chance is to play for MY NFL team. only I know about moving the goalposts. and about washing your balls on the sidelines with a ridged washboard. want some coffee? wanna mash?
Masha: no. where the fuck have you been? you were called here ages ago!
Bump: NOT at the hospital. (am i cutting a sympathetic figure?) just went to get my teeth whitened, tons of coffee stains. and my hair did, which takes ages. can you tell me exactly what you did to get applause adoration and adulation? i wanna try it out this Saturday night at MMA, do-over cos that can't be right.
Rubikon: what's the deal with coffee? seriously all these quaint Obec coffee shops dotting the landcape. i mean they talk of hidden notes of holiday nutmeg in their special seasonal brand of Christmas coffee, but all i taste is coffee. EVERY FLAVOR just tastes like coffee!
Laertus: WHY YOU SMILIN', Jim Jordan, WHY YOU SMILIN! stop it, it's creepy.
Jim: i'm just really into numbers. i'm REALLY into numerology, i'm a numerologist, i'm one of those Catholic warlocks, i'm one of those high-school wrestling coaches that's ALSO the math teacher for the entire metropolitan high school. you know why i'm always so belligerent? i'm constantly waiting in my wrestling stance to get going...
Jennifer Williams sashays into the Hearing Room in her business suit and heels.
Bump: oh no. no no no. GET OUT!!! TOO HOT SHE'S TOO HOT!!!
Laertus: i think that Sean Patrick Maloney is hot.
Eye Luggage: he's gay with kids!
Dirg: THAT'S WHY HE'S SO HOT!!! he's The Left's Dream! ol' Baloney Maloney. i don't get it, he's from Canada, Canadians don't behave like that! they aren't heated.
Vindman steps up.
Bump: hey buddy, can i borrow your suit? i feel underdressed. can i borrow some wine?
Vindman: i dress well but i ain't no vinedresser. vinter. vineyard man. grape farmer. i am clearheaded at all times. you're wearing your twitter pajamas out, sir.
Bump: you know, you made me cry.
Vindman: in America, right still matters.
Bump: yeah i know The Right is the only side that matters. but what i'm talking about is that thing with your father, i wish MY father loved me like that!
Vindman: why is it that YOU and not me is the Russian spy.
Bump: why is Uncle Fester here? Halloween is over.
at the MSNBC Studios, Ashley Parker is preparing for her big global debut by stuffing a few dozen tissues down her purse.
there are ten podiums all lit up blue and ready to go radiant like lit Christmas trees.
but only one person attends the podiums. Big Jim Comey steps on the dais, he is twice the size of any of these podiums. he stares down Ashley's blouse, smiles, and holds a rose in his hand.
Comey: baby, will you marry me? now the entire globe and some distant stars and alternate universes will see tonight what i've always known: you are the hottest bitch in the galaxy.
Ashley: Jimbo we're already married, honey. and stop smiling, it's creepy. remember? our arrangement? our permanent threesome?
Katie Hill: and for the record, i am also a throuple. just to close the circuit of that perfect circle you all out there were thinking i was when you think about me.
Comey: but Ash it's not legal...in some states...
James slaps Alex Trebek's face on the couch outside the studio. this makes Alex's mustache reappear on his lips.
James: damn it, Jim, you scared me!
Alex: wha? the Final Jeopardy jingle slaps, i dreamt that was the music in Heaven. i'm cool. remember, i'm always cool. cooler than the other side of the pillow. speaking of, can i have some pillows to test my theory?
James: i'm not really into doing YET ANOTHER King of the Hill pissing contest just to see who's the best MAN, that week. but...i'll do it if it serves as a distraction for you.
Alex: curious boy but how did you find out about our latest ratings-grab tournament?
James: from of all places, the ESPN Ticker! that ticker is always ticking! 24 hours a day at all casinos in Vegas. why are we on ESPN? is Jeopardy
pro wrestling now?
Eye: joining us in studio on the dot is Antonella Barba. fresh off her book deal. first off, get this out of the way, you're hot and i want you. but that's not why you're here today. darling, all of us, please do tell.
Dirg: i love your mom, Barba Babe. she got my teeth the whitest they've ever been, she's the best dentist in New Jersey. you know everyone on her wiki page leaves comments about how good her service is, i was the only one wishing her condolences over her daughter. it's not a bad raise-job, it's just the media has too much control over lives now. you know i just happened to be the last person to look at your Instagram Stories before you got arrested...
Antonella: for the record, my MOM blames the show, not me. this is a cautionary tale for all your listeners: Hollywood ain't what it's cracked up to be---it's not all palm trees and weird puppet-and-parrot theatre---unless you get lucky and land a break. i mean of all the covers i could have done it had to be R. Kelly. you know what i should be doing right now? the whorehouse in Vegas, the only legal one in the universe.
Dirg: yep. in that pay toilet.
Antonella: no, BUILDING the house!
Teuila: that blowjob thing wasn't you, right? one of the first deepfakes. the thing that was you was just the wet war. according to Marianne Williamson we need to get those wet wars back down to dry wars.
Dirg: what's a little drugs here and there, right Larry? be free and hippie...
Laertus: hey, not everything New Jersey has to be Sopranos
. if i were you, i'd blame an Amazon drone for a mixup in delivering the wrong package, believe me, they can absorb it.
Dirg: so how's Simon Cowell in bed?
Antonella: you mean Paula Abdul? see, even THAT didn't land me a contract! and i'm hot! do you know who gave the 2017 Astros all their stolen signs? Randy Jackson the pitcher...
Dirg: thank you for joining us. take her away, gentlemen, you can use my cuffs. don't worry, babe, the President will DEFINITELY grant YOU a pardon! you're the only one where a Nixon tattoo on your ass would look good.
Teulia Blakely: and now for my weekly roundup. so what an episode, right? the writers tried this week. it showed. CH10 news, for the longest i thought that was CHO NEWS. and what's up with the Yellow Ranger having an American accent while the mom has a Zealand accent? you know i completely FORGOT about that whole thing with the mom of Yellow being a newsreporterwoman, it's been that long.
Eye: let's fanfic this as we are wont to do here. don't leave us wanting, what if Zoey's mom HAD revealed the Rangers' identities live on broadcast tv all around the globe and universe? let's game this out, synch it out.
Teuila: okay, play it out. the mom would come home late that night and a worried Zoey would be wearing the rubber mask of the enemy she had just killed. out of shame. not shame for the kill but the shame that she was found out. Zoey takes off the mask reluctantly and asks if her mother has any questions for her. mom has a very disappointed look on her face. the mother replies: "Zoey, WHY are you dating the nerd? we've been through this, when you fuck nerds, they just become stalkers later. the only way to get into upper management and get respect and dignity is to be the good girl i taught you to be: you must fuck Teuila Blakely even if you're not gay."
the crones are at the haunted Hotel Coronado which is supposedly haunted. of course it isn't to them, they're not scared as they lie on the sand bars at night sucking on bars of coconut popsicle.
Gladyce: i still say too lavish.
Doryce laughs nervously.
Doryce: i mean this place isn't really haunted, i mean it IS---i've seen the ghost herself---but it's not haunted the way they think. just a cashgrab for gullible tourists, not us. the real haunting is the haunting of the heart. poor Kate Morgan was haunted by the fact that she didn't get the gentleman caller she was so desperately longing for and needed to see at that very moment in one of these Coronado rooms. she died of a broken heart, not suicide. poor lost soul, i would have loved Kate Morgan right.
Rubikon: you know i can't believe i'm saying this, but i want 24
later that night, Doryce makes a surprise lone trip again and comes back with a van's worth of food. Gladyce is sleeping upstairs but her sniffing anger for the first time rouses her up.
Gladyce: WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS!!? where'd you get the van?
Doryce: stole it. you're the one who says we gotta walk everywhere now.
Gladyce: you KNOW we're on a budget! we'll lose the Treehouse continuing like this! you bought 300 dollars worth of food at the local Costco 30 miles away on a bad highway!? a full shopping when you know we're going shopping on our usual every-two-weeks at the Store? now what groceries are we gonna get? you already got all the eggs and bacon, what's left? one parmesan cheese?
Doryce: i'm sorry dahlin but i couldn't control my urges. i just hate seeing you so hungry all the time!
Gladyce: GET OUT!
Doryce can't leave in a huff, she's crying too profusely. she jumps from the balcony onto the hard sand, she points to the grey windy sky and the olive-green lighthouse in the offing obscured by crashing grey waves.
Doryce: i would have made a dramatic getaway if i had remembered to bring my broom...
Prince Andrew fixes his ascot and is ready for the interview after nibbling on one Scooby Snack.
The Prince: why is it you conducting the interview?
The Pope: spiritual sigh, i reached the pinnacle of my profession, but alas no one takes my Church seriously anymore. don't turn this around on me, you're the one in the roller rink.
The Prince: look, The Queen is here to discuss the Markle Sparkle...
The Pope: i am SOAKED! are you spitting on me!? i'm the Pope not the Pauper!
The Prince: you are a proper pauper. sorry but that's my sweat.
The Pope: oh? so what are you so nervous about?
The Prince: this interview. the hot lights. NOT anything else. there was no quid pro quo and no pizzagate. i was at Tramp, not Trump.
JUST THEN SUDDENLY Boris Johnson bursts through the golden-shower doors into the room!
Bojo: i GOT it! i know how i'll save Britain! manganese nodules!!! THEY'LL be the nation's new energy source! unlimited power from me! just gotta get someone to deep-dive for them at the bottom of the sea.
The Queen bonks Bojo on the noggin.
The Queen: you dolt! THAT's not the Magna Carta! that won't make up for your lack of constitution! nobody wants to see you in your bikini. what, you want the UK to become PG&E now?
Bojo jumps in the Thames.
The Prince: that's not the ocean! that's my sweat!
Laertus: so the little old lady. i was crossing the crosswalk. slowly, then i see her car. so i make it a point to jog to the other side so she can drive by more quickly to get to her destination---to not clog up traffic for everyone else. later i find out that she was on her way to Krogers. and then i'm there in her same lane before the incident, before i knew who she was. there, she asks me to grab a ton-tub of vanilla ice cream---Cream City Brand---for her at the very top shelf of the ice aisle. i do it for her like the Good Boy Scout i am. it was weird at the time cos she said to me, "fetch it, faggot." like how did she know? just cos i'm tall? she thinks the blowjobs are better for me?
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: oh just how the "These Are Days"
10,000 Maniacs music video shows the whole wearing-a-rubber-Nixon-mask thing was passed down the generations successfully from the '80s to the '90s. ah, the days of innocent yonder and yore. and lore. back then people truly thought Nixon was as bad as it was gonna get.
Eye: Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas
and go! let the comparison commence!
Laertus: you know how some McDonaldses are more special than others? the one on the Strip in Vegas is one of those McDonalds.
Dirg: they took down the Bump Playpark in the back but there's still a slot machine in the one bathroom stall.
Laertus: this film is a '90s film about the '70s wanting to be a '60s film. you know, one of those arthouse '60s films. i had misconceptions going in as to what this would be, most of the critics had slammed it as a stupid drug film that made no sense and was pointless cos it was plotless. but this turned out GREAT for me, i'm here for the haze, i'm no Hunter S. Thompson fan but Johnny humanized him for me. what a unique way to do the end-credits on that desert road. i liked his soliloquy epilogue at the end where he tearfully realizes that the '60s are never coming back. it's like my dad and his obsession with his '90s childhood.
Dirg: i liked when the two dudes are on the beach at midnight. i've done that many times. alone. thinking. hey, what do you expect when it's literally two dudes on a drug-trip in the stable city of Las Vegas? plus this is standard Monty Python fare. i liked it all cept for the Lizard People Orgy, i mean there's enough of 'em, we don't need more Illumnati being birthed and running around the world. and the world's oceans.
Eye: who wore it better? Murray or Depp? BM or JD? who did the droning voice and safari hat and teashades and mannerisms and long slender black cigarette-stem better?
Laertus: the one who did 21 Jump Street
. how did those black dudes in the pilot crash all that glass and not get one shrapnel in them? little did fresh-faced cop Johnny know back then, he was preparing for this role. he was the young Republican his hippie boss lamented. and the public-service announcements at the end, we don't get that anymore in tv, they should bring that back to SVU
Eye: is it just me or does Jamie Gray Hyder have a more robust sexy smoky natural voice when she's just herself and not acting than when she assumes that stilted voice to play her strutting character? i love that i learn new drug techniques from the show. Machine Elves, just in time for Christmas.
Dirg: Adam Arkin does that weird thing with his tongue when he speaks. that was the last time we saw Johnny Depp with the preppy hair holding a rose by the door. he took too much mescaline to play Hunter, messed him up for life. all that drug rage has got to go somewhere, unfortunately for him it went into his women.
Laertus: if---i mean when---they do the reboot of this film, it's gonna be CBD oil, not mescaline. speaking of cops, the highway-patrol-officer who wanted to REALLY frisk Hunter out there in the hot desert sun where no one could see. that was pretty erotic actually. i wanted him to use the cuffs for something else other than law enforcement. Busey is actually scary as hell when he's NOT on the drugs, a very imposing figure he shadows out there amongst the cacti.
Dirg: Stabler is a VERY CONVINCING gay! i have a headcanon that the reason Stabler on SVU
is so gung-ho and boisterous and heated and aggressive dripping with machismo and Jim-Jordan-hairtrigger is that he's secretly gay and wants no one to know.
Michael Jordan: i am in no way related to that guy. save for the fact that i never forget those who slight me.
Laertus: yeah, and wasn't the guy who was openly freely berating Meloni that dude who ended up a male nurse on ER
? the cameos here tho. these were people who weren't big yet but would become big. don't tell me you wouldn't want your message on a billboard birthed by Penn himself. it would be big and bold and breathless and blank...cos it would be by Teller. i love this film for being a travelogue, i love to visit a new place through the medium of film, i saw all of Vegas cos of this: the payphones, the sights, sounds, buzzes, whistles, gaudy vanilla drapes, neon strings, circus contagion, lost hope, poker chips on fire, dreams on the edge and on the ledge, fringe everything, a bulb everywhere, desert elevators, the waterfall of gold coins, all on display, and that's NOT the drug-fueled stuff. Vegas is the true City That Never Sleeps...there are no pillows in Vegas...
Eye: no Hills, either. Spider-Man as some blond freak hitchhiker, i fell in love with my first twink. Tobey Maguire doesn't need to act like he's on drugs, he just smiles and all is known.
Dirg: how did Benicio del Toro survive this? i mean if this were real life, he'd be electrocuted dead right now. he took it as a sign and Benicio concentrated on selling and hawking just nice n safe n mellow-tasting Heineken from then on.
Laertus: i LOVE the Mint 400! those scenes were directed brilliantly, i felt inside that giant gust of dust-cloud storm tornado! why did they cancel the race?
Dirg: not enough Linda Vaughn. i was chewing gum during those scenes. Pat Sajak got the idea for Wheel of Fortune
from the Big Six Wheel, he lived in that wheel when they took his car. when they're on the phone acting to fool that girl, that was better acting than their actual acting in the film.
Laertus: Christina Ricci, every '90s kid's fantasy. young here, if you catch my drift, acting like a "dog" ahem ahem. instead of Carrie Fisher's mom they should have had Barbra Streisand herself singing in that lounge, then after her set she gets up on stage and announces she's Carrie Fisher's new mother! problem solved, Carrie Fisher is alive today. Ellen Barkin reprising her role as Alice
...close enough...i KNEW that was Flea! Hunter himself said the only scene he liked from this film was when he was holding the flea-swatter. you know it's not a drug trip if you ever meet yourself, it's a spiritual awakening the likes of which few master, that keeps yogis in Benzes. that comical '50s Marijuana Monster movie everyone sees in health class. if they had just allowed marijuana back then, we wouldn't have the problems we have today, we'd all be legal hippies.
Dirg: Verne Troyer before a woman messed him up on tape. regular-sized woman not looking for publicity. and the 24
dude before he became the sniveling President!
Dirg: the diner scene at the end didn't work. you have to admit, all you bleeding hearts! like they were trying for something big with casting the white-trash waitress girl as a racist, but it all just petered out. what exactly were they trying to say here?
Laertus: beats. you're right. i got nothing. i was staring more at that cake and fries under the glass lid. but at least we got a callforward to that SVU
episode with the orangutan in the basketball.
Eye: that was cool at the end, i want to drive around like a madwoman on a plane tarmac! you know, like it defeats the purpose when you drive right up to the plane!
Dirg: i want to read that anarchist book Johnny as Hunter was clutching to his heart there at the end.
Eye: it's out of print...for a reason...
Dirg: in closing, of course the greatest thing from this film?...gluing a woman's eyes shut...good night, folks...
Rubikon: our world now is too crazy for drugs. we all feel our feelings in technicolor. we won't survive unless we all come together and love like a raver. you people are stupid. stop being ishly. it's all Pitbull, baby! Fifty Fifty Forever! let's get this faggot removed from the Oval Office already. i move to strike. i mean i don't get it, if Obama did the same thing, if it was proven that he broke the law, yeah i'd be disappointed, but it's not like this man is my brother, i'd have to concede that Obama must be removed, i wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over it, it was just my one vote, it happened, move on, moveon.org, i simply wouldn't care, i don't have loyalty to any man.
the crowd downstage cheers.
Rubikon sees the woman from before from the office interview, she's now in the crowd and wears the Socialist Blue armband like one of those rubber band bows used around the elbow to insert tight drug needles. Rubikon smiles in satisfaction.
Llywarch gets up next on stage, he struts around like a woman and does a female pose but the audience is confused, they are laserfocused on his hooves for hands.
Rubikon wheels out a stripper pole to the center of the stage and the crowd and the audience livestreaming at home cheer.
Rubikon: and for my next point...