LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW

 

 

Jen R: if you want my time, you have to be my husband.

me: woman THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO!!!

Jen: trash hack. to save money on those tall kitchen garbage bags.

me: which are very expensive.

Jen: put TWO days' worth of trash in ONE bag. easy.

me: yeah but the bag will weigh 53 pounds.

Jen: i'll carry the load, i'm the strong one in this relationship. got your Stubbies on?

me: oh yes.

Jen: i got my dolphin shorts on...

Jen R: went to the wild reserve park and i saw the Hessian Hellcat up close roaming in her natural environment.

me: Annie Adamson, comic-book legend, horor expert, free-soul genius. one-of-a-kind. unique. no one like her before or again. her BREADTH OF KNOWLEDGE of pop culture was unmatched.

Jen: her empathy was unmatched.

Mac and Kieran Culkin: dad and Uncle John growing up in Huntington, New York. then moving to Manhattan Beach.

dad: except i wound up in Van Nuys.

me: wouldn't have changed my childhood for anything in the world.

dad: that's why you weren't raised in Manhattan Beach with the others. i didn't break up the family. it was always Aunt Cork and Uncle John. i was left alone to fend for myself.

Patrick Lavender: matcha? the Green Party?...

Starbucks: our wifi is NOT free. how much is it worth it to you to write your novel at Starbucks? how much would you pay for peace of mind? would you pay your soul?

atmospheric river: the Vaporwave of weather.

rain: in the 80s, rain was nice, rain came down nice, it wasn't violent like it is now.

Instagram: the land of a couple of opportunities...

Instagram: a couple of opportunities for couple opportunities. hurry, get yourself in a couple before everyone's taken.

Storybook International "Minu": agnosticism.

Claire Nielson: i like doing the voices...

morning rain: rain in the morning means 2 AM, not 9 AM...

Jesse Eisenberg: i mean i wrote the thing, where's my Oscar?...

Armie Hammer: remember when i was on top of the world as the Winklevoss twins?...

Lady Aberlin: i wanted to be Miss Yvonne...

Diff'rent Strokes: stoked.

Mr. Ramen: call me Ramen Sama.

Frog Dreaming: salty language for a family film. with the tadpoles looking like sex and everything...

Jen R: gotta love the '80s in Australia.

The Big O: Big Fau's controls are bulbous dark-vinegar glass bottles found in a Medieval tumbledown tavern.

voice god: not the voice of God.

Melissa Maker: Eric Bauza lives near me. we have the same house. all Canadians are neighbors.

Eric Bauza: Mel Blanc can't hear me anymore, right?..........i'm better than Mel Blanc.

Mel Blanc: i'm the voice of God. i heard voices in my head. but i got paid for it.

Bob Knight: Hoop Dreams was my childhood...

Isiah Thomas: Bob Knight gave me a grandfather chair for my birthday...

Bob Knight: didn't think you'd survive me to live long enough to be a grandad.

dad: John Feinstein was me as a sportswriter.

John Feinstein: Bob Knight is on the cover of A Good Walk Spoiled...

Crying Freeman: in anime all things are possible. even Japan and China getting along. long enough to come. together. to love each other. in a naked love story.

Chris Cornell: Outshine Outshine Outshine, those are good lemon bars.

Susan Silver: cake?

Chris Cornell: popsicles.

Crying Freeman.

Emu: do you cry during sex?

Yo: um, yeah.........

Emu: i'm wet.........because of your tears...

Obama: but you know, AFTER the election, booing is the ONLY thing you can do to those who won to let them know you disapprove of their existence, to let them know they're doing a bad job.

me: it was May 2, 2024.

Jen R: a Thursday.

me: Thursday night. i was TERRIFIED. my mom had fallen again and hit her head, i was fearing the worst, a concussion, a long hospital stay. i had nowhere to turn, i was alone in the house, fidgeting my thumbs at my computer looking at the ceiling, a new episode of Check Please Bay Area was just starting.

Jen: 7:30 PM, 10:30 PM in Baltimore. and as usual Leslie Sbrocco was no help.

me: i fumbled to my phone, your green light was on so i entered your DM.

Jen: think about how lucky it was that i just happened to be there at that time by my phone ready to talk you down. i had just tucked the kid in with my bedtime story and was free. that's fate. that's kismet.

me: we talked for hours. well, typed for hours. you were so gracious and comforting, a warm blanket at night.

Jen: i was steering you AWAY from your mom or you'd get all tense again and slur your words. we mostly focused on that bad Police Academy movie you were watching.

me: because of this incident i forever associate Police Academy with trauma.

Jen: we all do.

me: that's how it started!!! the you and me talking constantly on Instagram DM.

Jen: yeah. ever since then we text each other 400 times a day.

me: that is Heaven.

Jen: even when we're living together.

me: old habits die hard.

Jen: poor Bruce Willis.

me: you said something to me that night that made me CRY. i CRIED DEEP AND HEAVY IN THE NIGHT.

Jen: i texted you 

I'll see you tomorrow

me: yes.

Jen: nobody had ever promised you that before.

me: everyone leaves me. everybody abandons me. and there you were, my first text at 4 AM.

Jen: 7 AM in Baltimore. i was munching toast.

me: i CRIED A LAKE that morning.

Jen: i could only ever text you forever after that, i had to always check in, because you were never gonna get better!!!

 

 

  

LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: TWO GODS

 

Dr. Robbins: is this the hall?

Abbot Butt: i think so. i'm used to open hallways. the Hell? no idea.

Dr. Robbins: my office is a room that's bigger than my house. 

Abbot Butt: this is not good, Headmistress Fuerza is mad at both of us!!!

Headmistress Fuerza: i called you two gents in here because we have a crisis on campus.

the two look pensive, realizing their degrees mean nothing.

Headmistress Fuerza: we need to determine the best course of action to teach our young impressionable students here at Hartnell College. do we go the religious route or the scientific route? you pray to find the answer.

Abbot Butt: i pray to Sylvia Plath's father.

Headmistress Fuerza: and you think everything is a psychiatric disease.

Dr. Robbins: we're all sick.

Headmistress Fuerza: why must we choose? is there a happy Socratic medium?

Socrates: that is such a college way of thinking. just don't be dumb, you know? read. a book from a library, not a newsblog from your email link. if all the libraries have been burned to the ground, watch public television.

Headmistress Fuerza: we have a crisis on campus.

Dr. Robbins: another one?

Headmistress Fuerza: i can't have drugs running rampant at my school, it's not a good look. 

Abbot Butt: i found many glass Mason jars in the sororities. to grow homemade marijuana in their bedrooms no doubt.

Headmistress Fuerza: wait, these are sour jars. that's no problem, witches are cool. and sour jars are NECESSARY.

Headmistress Fuerza: okay dance for me.

Abbot Butt dances to "Walk the Dinosaur."
Dr. Robbins: damn you to hell. you always gotta be cooler than me, you get the cool dance, i have to dance to "Ninja Rap" by Vanilla Ice...

Kelly Clarkson: i'm gonna be gone from my show for 3 months to do new episodes of Mr. Pickles...

King Kai: i only want Danny Glover to play me in the live-action, okay? we're both too old for this shit.

Danny Glover: Mel Gibson told me to eat nothing but stale bread to redeem my soul...

Frog Dreaming.

copper: what's he do for food?

Gaza: bicycle helmet in the fridge.

copper: ever since Cody came to town Wendy's been on meth.

Gaza: that's just sugar.

copper: let me give you a bit of friendly advice: remember, there are no Australian goths...

Professor Santa Claus with beach metal-detector wand: all Australian coins are pirate doubloons. i'm the professor who lives on an island the main character consults in the last 30 minutes of every '80s movie...

Henry Thomas: why is your beard brown?

Professor Santa Claus: the Australian sun.

Henry: do you believe in monsters?

Professor Santa Claus: Nietzsche was a monster.

bush pump: the brilliant 3rd season of YOLO: Rainbow Trinity.

Gaza: oh fuck NOT THE E.T. TEARS!!! i can't say no to the E.T. tears!!!

Wendy: oh fuck you know i can't resist the E.T. smile!!!

Henry Thomas: hold my speargun, babe.

Wendy in Marushin motorbike spinning out: it's called anime. like my souped-up bike?...

Gaza: we can't leave him in the lake.

Professor Santa Claus: all lakes are connected...

Gaza: drain it like that Kurt Cobain song.

Wendy: if i dream him, he's still alive.

Jen R: see? i haven't been in your dreams lately...

me: on it.

Mr. Kauffman: i know it's an emergency but can you come back later? i'm playing chess with my secret gay lover...

Henry Thomas: don't worry, E.T. taught me how to hold my breath underwater for 3 months. 

Henry: HELP!!! A WEEPING WILLOW TREE IS TRYING TO EAT ME!!!

Donkey Engine: rejected Transformer...

in Pinecrest, California:

Henry: want a snow-cone corn-dog?

Wendy: that's just a corn dog with ice on its cap. it's reminding me of something.........it doesn't count as a first kiss unless i kiss your nape, that's called an Australian kiss. hey, was there a toilet on E.T.'s spaceship?...

Henry Thomas: wait, if you're Wendy, i'm Peter Pan in real life!!!...

Charlie Pride: got a little mustard on my beard...

Monster Hunter: it's not Zelda...

Clarissa Molina: i learned English working at McDonald's, English with a New Jersey accent. my boyfriend still works the deep fat fryer.

Clarissa Molina's boyfriend: Ancient Romans burned Twinkies. it's a hot-oil basket and i live in a cage. i still have zits at age 33.

Raul De Molina: that's Christ-like.

Clarissa Molina: you can make it in life if you work at McDonald's and you're pretty...

Marilyn Monroe: a stuffing from me isn't hot, my stuffing has cold smelly onions in it...

cucumber: i'm a watermelon...

Billy Corgan: smash those cucumbers.

James Iha: and add my grannie's sauce.

Diff'rent Strokes: for diff'rent folks. folks who get it. watch in jeans.

gardener: i'm the only family you got...

Brother Peewit: bald is beautiful.

Bede: shaved is serene.

yogi Yoda: green is grace.

Mark Hapka: i turned Maiara Walsh's eyes blue...

Maiara Walsh: that was a good fuck.

Abbot Butt: monks are mad. don't do this to yourself!!!

Instagram: the land of second chances...

Julia Ioffe: i didn't make my mark at Princeton the way i had wanted, but i did form the first coaching staff for Modern Talking there.

Modern Talking: you saw us when the world put on its sunglasses, Julia. our time at Princeton changed us.

Michael Weiss: you're my heart, you're my soul, Julia Ioffe...

me: so we have the dorm room now?

Jen R: yeah, you should have seen the spectacle over here last night, Jackie Fitzgerald jumped out the window!!! onto the bitch-seat of Blond Rambo's motorcycle. the two sped away onto the highway the motorcycle made on its own through the countryside green grass. loudly of course. 

me: what's their deal? those two never glide. motorcycle wheels digging into grass, ghastly.

Jen: Blond Rambo had an epiphany: he wanted to be more like Jesus to assuage Jackie's subconscious Catholicism. 

me: it's not enough to just look like Jesus.

Jen: she was getting hesitant. a fling never becomes a marriage.

the two of us settle down in our new central digs. free of charge.

me: all my food is a form of hot dog or noodle.

Jen R: you've got to escape the college mindset. adopt the mentality of students eating lobster.

me: our first night here was fun.

Jen: yeah.

me: but you hogged all the covers. i had no sheets over me. i had to sleep with my blue beanie on my head all night, not to mention the 2 sweatshirts i had to wear because i had no covers. 

Jen: isn't that just the loveliest sitcom problem to have? i sent for the Mr. Kotter/Mr. Serling pimp coat, you'll have it in bulk in the morning.

me: where you working?

Jen: Williams Sonoma, seasonal work for St. Patrick's Day...

LIVING FREE ON CAMPUS: THE NOISE OF LEARNING

 

Jen R: and where have you been?

me: smoking you out. putting your name in my Instagram profile to see if you'd come out of your hole.

Jen: well i've been enriching myself. remember what i told you to do?

me: go to medical school and cure your Sjogren's. i have you to live for now so it's no problem.

Jen: i hear Hartnell College is free college...

me: it's free college with dorms. ON campus!!! no off-campus hostels to deal with.

Jen: so much gum on those hostel walls. free housing? that's impossible. 

me: that's how they get you when you don't have a scholarship, not the schooling, the housing.

when we get there we learn to our chagrin that our room's already taken.

Jen R: occupied by Jackie Fitzgerald?!!! nice to meet you, queen.

me: i really just need a quiet place to be. 

Blond Rambo: go to the park, bum. 

Jackie Fitzgerald: are there still quiet places in a city? 

Jen: the library where i work, but everyone wants to live there.

me: yeah that's the thing, like i need to be in a park for 5 hours in the afternoon but then i need to live in this park forever, i need this park to be my housing.

Jen: the permanent park.

me: hey, can i ask a favor man-to-man?

Blond Rambo: i see one man...

me: it's just, when your fellow motorcycle-gang members come over to visit, why do they take SO LONG to leave?!!! you know? they're outside in their custom-built jalopies shooting the breeze with you and Jackie back-window-open REVVING THE FUCK OUT OF THE ENGINE FOR ONE WHOLE HOUR before they actually depart the dorm circle street.

Blond Rambo: that's funny car.

me: i'm a growing student, noise pollution like this is poison to my fragile constitution.

Blond Rambo: you lost the election, get over it.

me: we're homeless.

Jen R: wouldn't be the first time.

me: we'll have to camp out at the memorial statue in the centre of campus. 

Jen: that's very civic-minded...

me: with the students staggering around all drugged-out it'll be LESS quiet at night!!! hey, wait a minute, did you actually go to CLASS today? you smell of Euclid.

Jen: Euclid had some greens, man. sorrel and stuff. i'm working on my dissertation on why eleven should be replaced with oney-one.

me: that gets appreciation only in the rap circles.

Jen: hip-hop has always been ahead of the game. my only counterargument is that eleven is a cool-sounding word, it sounds like a soft drink.

me: sounds like Heaven. you're playing both sides!!!

Jen: i advocate for the devil because i come from the devil. you do, too.

Ariana Grande: mama.

Lady Gaga: yes. i am Mama Monster.

Ariana Grande: no, you're my mom. don't you see the resemblance?

Lady Gaga: only when we're both wearing no makeup...

LBC: Long Beach, Compton...

Frog Dreaming.

The Quest?: come on.

opening sequence: a Universal Studios outdoor stageshow...

Henry Thomas: there's GOTTA be something more exciting than this after E.T.. i'm a young boy, i need excitement!!!

draisine: do not operate this vehicle until after you put in your eyedrops...

Vision Quest: don't you go licking on any frogs now, that's not how it works...

Henry: E.T. is dead. yeah. so the only way we can get our bikes to fly is if i get a running start on this rail. you kids follow me through the woods Ewok-style.

Henry: NO BRAKES!!!

Paul Hogan: yeah it's Australia.

Wendy: you okay?

Henry Thomas: i almost died. listen copper, i'm allergic to peanut butter and i have covid-nose.

Jane: i'll bring the cigarettes.

Henry: to a picnic? i don't smoke, i'm just a kid. you chicks are crazy.

Lois: Uncle Lester's leg went to New Zealand for research. what are you reading upstairs in your bedroom, Jane?

Jane: Jane Eyre.

Lois: that's porn, but at least it's a book. yes, dear, and we have a not-marriage...

husband: not a knot marriage. i married you because i thought we'd have Dalek babies.

Wendy: i'm changing my name to Bindi...

Rubikon: black fellas?

Henry: the dance is at the church hall.

Wendy: i'm atheist. an Australian atheist. all Australians are atheist. 

Henry: tastes like nuts. my nuts.

Jane: how were your parents killed?

Henry Thomas: they were playing Fallout. 

tadpoles: we look like sex?

Kurt Cobain: ...

bunyip: the monster is a bunch of evil E.T. fingers.

copper: like my JoJo's Bizarre Adventure hair?

pucker lady: like Linda Kozlowski.

Jim Henson: that is one SCARY-looking motherfucker of a grey eagle. it looks like a Muppet but it's REAL!!!

Valerie Allain: holy SHIT!!! you CAN get herpes from French-kissing!!!

Henry: are you sure i can drive a truck to a dance at age 14?

Gaza: it's Australia.

Bryan Cranston: i was in a rockabilly band in college.

Becky: i'm from Muriel's Wedding...

Henry Thomas: what is this place?

Charlie Pride: Old Gregg.

International Women's Day: the women are international spies who gallivant the globe keeping us safe.

Cartoon Network: Totally Spies marathon on International Women's Day...

Dopey: hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work i go, sing this at all your job interviews...

a mud-window on an offroad vehicle in the shape of the Wu-Tang Clan symbol.

RZA: ironic and symbolic.

Roger Smith: R. Dorothy is our Dorothy...

Chloe Fineman: great, now my name is Covid Fineman...

dad: the spirits in Heaven don't notice the loss of an hour, we're always awake...

Cristiano Ronaldo: wait, i played for Manchester United?...

Red String of Fate: you're gonna be hanging by a thread the rest of your life...

Mimi at Safeway: you have a discount slip for 46 CENTS? i thought it was 46 DOLLARS.

Marilyn Manson: either is cool, i'm just here to see you. DST, you lost an hour of sleep.

Mimi: don't talk about my bed. i am not DST DTF.

Herm Edwards at Safeway: ...

Herm Edwards at Safeway: i got the Madden Bus parked out back...

lose an hour of sleep: lose your soul...

Melissa Maker: me single, this was something that was not supposed to happen in our lifetimes.........and for some reason my Instagram DM's not working...

Magnus Carlsen: soccer is chess played with dice. i play chess like i play soccer: in shorts. that is not my penis, that is two dice in the centre of my jeans...

George Lowe: i was the Karen Carpenter of cartoons...

Bluesky: pronounced Bluski, not Blue Sky...

Blutarsky: ...

Samuel L. Jackson: peak fiction, not Pulp Fiction.

Quentin Tarantino: that hurts, Sam you L...

cats: so no more wet cat food EVER?!!!...

Fred Stolle: okay i'm finally here, where's Bud Collins?.........i need a doubles partner...

Cliff Drysdale: NEVER play tennis alone...

Jackie Fitzgerald: computer science is easy.

dad: ...

Blond Rambo: look, if you need a quiet spot to study, i'll switch out my hog for one of those Hyundais, how does that sound?

Jen R: both meanings of sound.

me: yeah but the Hyundai makes that eerie sound of glowing coruscation circulation when its engine is running and it starts and stops on the road. 

Jen: it's the sound of hovering. floating beside you. Hyundais are real UFOs the aliens don't want you to see...

Fox Mulder: i dated a Japanese Hyundai-maker...

Jen plasters her George Lowe poster over the college campus memorial...

Jen R: our love will keep us warm on those frigid nights.

me: you know Law & Order: SVU robbed me of so much time.

Jen: ironic.

me: i could have spent all that time i wasted watching Law & Order: SVU learning a trade, going to waterparks, marrying my professor, and joining a dominoes club.

Jen: a dominos club that serves Round Table Pizza.

 

   

  

THE BOY WHO NEVER TOOK OFF HIS BLUE BEANIE: A LOVESEAT FOR THE ROOM

 

Jen R: PIVOT!!!

me: my eardrums!!! you cleared out my earwax because it was nostalgia.

Jen and i are in our two-man hostel at the very bottom floor of the Upper East Side.

me: how'd we get this place so cheap?

Jen: i know New York.

our small one-room apartment is ENTIRELY a sofa. it's one big blue couch. the two of us spoon in the center of the room.

me: okay with the microwave being here? the microwave won't burn through the sofa?

Jen: should be fine. it's conducive energy, right? did you get the 28 frozen chile microwaveable burritos?

me: i knew i forgot something when i was out in the City grinding keys.

me: why do they call it a loveseat?

Jen: because it's just small enough for two people to squeeze into it to fuck. have you ever fucked in a chair?

me: not purposely. there was that time Rod Serling and i were making sweet love in a chair after the Thanksgiving turkey tryptophan.

Jen: missing anything?

me: you, me, here, talking, it's the greatest adventure of all time. no outside adventure could ever compete with this.

Jen: it's the magic of the sitcom setup. it's not a memoon, which is depressing. not a hemoon.

me: Jackie's boyfriend.

Jen: not a shemoon which is only Michael Jackson's calling. but a wemoon. wemoon is love. a wemoon works because it's about working together. wemoon, not women...

Jen: did you get the Starbucks at the new Brick Starbucks?

me: food only tastes good if it comes out of a beige bag the size of a window.

Jen: huh, i thought this breakfast claw would have egg in it...

Capp: i'm still trying to get to the other side of my birth...

Michael Weiss: if you're still around i'm gonna find you and i'm gonna DM you a meme on Instagram. this will happen.

Paramount Plus: not for the Yellowstone, for the soccer.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: that's okay, i'll perform a Trump-specific Hamilton musical number in Trump's bedroom at the White House, Melania isn't in the bedroom...

Babe Ruth: fake beard, real picture.

Melissa Maker: can i get a voice like yours if i practice hard enough? i'm an aspiring voice actor.

George Lowe: say BURGEONING voice actor in the interview. my voice was SO DISTINCTIVE i couldn't do any other roles...

Melissa Maker: cartoons are for kids and fucked-up adults.

George Lowe: i mean imagine my voice doing Hamlet...

Instagram: tap Mute Notifications, it's the Monk Button...

Michael Weiss: set your Instagram to Private, keep the riffraff out...

Jules Smith: British village.

Warren G rapping "Regulate": i looked at the brother and said, "damn, that's rough..."

at the Hip-Hop Summit.

Queen Pen: barefoot in the lobby is just my natural state.

Foxy Brown: it's just a song, bro. were you really discovered at an IHOP?

Queen Pen: yup. Pen, not Latifah, i was the original Queen.

Foxy Brown: damn. i had it a bit harder, i came from the streets. tho i do use the IHOP syrup when my man is naked on a table...

Suzy Lu: bestie westies for the resties.

Steejo: ...

Suzy Lu: let's just stay at Best Westerns for the remainder of our life.

Steejo: are you calling me a dog?

Jen R: it's been a rough morning. that means we were woken up at 4 AM.

me: people assume when they talk to you that you're free like them. not so.

Jen: this sofa is cigarette-proof. if i dig my lit cigarette into this all-encompassing circle couch like Debbie Harry's tit in Videodrome, it won't singe. 

Debbie Harry: where has atmosphere gone?...

Jen: name two things that really make you cry.

Jim Henson: can Debbie Harry get naked if i get naked? warning: i look like a hairy hippie.

me: one: the song "With Every Light" by the Smashing Pumpkins.

Billy Corgan: the lyrics AND the music.

D'arcy: my wedding song, boys!!!

Jen, nodding her head many times: if Heaven was all you had...

me: and two, the story "Clever Manka." the ending, you know?

Jen nodding her head a lot: that's a lot that ending, for a head to shake out. 

me: the most valuable thing to Manka was HIM...

Jen: damn, i'm gonna start crying TOO now. that's why she carried the body across town at night, which is a creepy thing to do. imagine doing that in Carmel.

me: they would just think it was a Forest Theatre stunt.

the tiny color TV sits in the center of the couch circle with one wire hanging like Babylon. 

Jen: unmute it, look what's on TNT!!!

me: so? it's the billionth showing of Star Wars.

Jen: but it's the Star Wars with Rey!!! all men most watch THIS version of Star Wars.

me: why? so they get used to a female Jedi?

Jen: no, for the spirituality. men don't go to church anymore. they've all joined political gangs.

me: tech gangs are worse.

Jen: there is such a thing as too much money.