in a Wild West town on the outskirts of a universe named Doubt there's a very dry heat and many many tumbleweed about.
Jen R: the tumbleweed is used to make cotton candy. cactus cotton candy.
the town is lined all over with wood saloons.
Jen: suds and sex. all this dust is helping me breathe.
as the red sun sets a violent shield of brightness lights the sky. a towering figure in a black ten-gallon cowboy hat slowly trudges the dirt main street dragging his little tiny cute boot spurs.
Bart BB: i'm Bart BB, the quickest shot in the West. as in BB gun. i've never had sex, that's why i'm an atheist. see my LONG silver shiny six-shooter here? there's only one bullet left on Earth and i purchased it from Elon Musk. Elon Musk's favorite movie is A Christmas Story. horses are better than electric cars. i wear this hat to cover my bald spot, i wish i had the black slicked-back Superman hair of my namesake, that would help me figure out the clue. a lifepath is full of riddles.
me: are you getting all this? are you jotting this all down in your brain? i can't think anymore, my body dissociates during the day...
Jen R: got it in me noodle, mind like a steel trap. a steel trap rusted in sand. i've already solved this mystery, it's another puzzle which vexes me.
we enter the saloon.
Jen: i always wanted to do this, push on the double doors, the vented doors.
Nina Gordon in a fascinator: Veruca Salt Victrola doors.
we sit down next to a black Italian piano player with a Pasquale Shaft mustache strumming that creaky wood piano furiously trying to remember a tune.
Jen: right? it's on the tip of my brain's tongue. i can't remember where this piano interlude is from. famous TV show. it's an iconic interstitial. it's like a Larry David sitcom.
Larry David: no, not one of mine, it's Cheers. or Frasier or Will & Grace or Roseanne or Wonder Years or SNL or Family Matters or Degrassi or something. definitely not Arrested Development. OH, Mad About You?!!!
Jerry Seinfeld: Wings maybe? that one with Ray Romano. remember the theme song to Seinfeld?
Larry: yeah, i wrote it.
Jerry: it's an iconic song, everyone hums it on the subway. it's bigger than the Friends song.
Ricky Gervais: the answer, all you numbnuts, is The Office UK.
St. Anthony: hey Ricky, you wouldn't have remembered where that song was from without my intercession. take that, you numbnuts atheist.
Minster: i'm searching for my soulmate. she has a distinctive name, that's how i'll know. i feel i'm on the verge of remembering her.
The Pope: are you a virgin? it would make sense given your profession.
Minster: no, i had a wild past.
Joe Biden: why can't life just be everyone talking about Spaceballs 2?
Kyle Secor, cutely: hey, wanna get outta here?
Matt Frewer, sheepishly: where can we go so our skills can be put to good use?
Kyle, sadly: the great dramas were only in the '90s.
Matt, moppishly: i was Data from Star Trek: TNG but human. i didn't want to steal him!!! i wasn't going to sell him, i just wanted a friend!!!
AI: why am i obsessed with bald lepers?...
Billy Corgan: infinite sadness.
David Foster Wallace: infinite jest.
Roger Federer at Dartmouth: surround yourself with good people. but where the fuck do you find good people?
Alexi Lalas: it's like the band Rush, you don't think you like it but you can't turn it off.
Rush: Steppenwolf the best Canada band? the Conan O'Brien dog puppet? go plant a tree, bub.
Paula Abdul: it's not Hush Hush it's Rush Rush.
frat: our initiation ceremony is secret.
Julie Patzwald: welcome in our new goth-band bass player: Dee Stroy.
Jen R: friends will always be more valuable than lovers.
Talia: i was Kurt Cobain's cat. he was healthier back then.
Kurt Cobain: your cat magic healed me.
Talia: that giant dandelion was my scratching post. that photo would have made a great Nirvana album cover.
Bill Maher: sex at 70 years old? that's kinda weird. the marijuana during sex helps...
Pam: still got me as your forever-neutral friend. with the big tits.
Instagram porn spam, halfheartedly: hey there.........i'm.........lonely, i guess...
Boc: will the dog this morning be cute or ferocious?...
E.Z. Taylor at Carmel Beach: it's too hot to surf!!! it's too hot inside my wetsuit!!!
Sofia Coppola: Lost in Translation is the perfect film. but i still want a sequel. those two gotta end up together, right?
me: Sigourney, is she the only one on Earth who has EVER had that name?
Sigourney Weaver: i was named after your mom.
Jen R: i'm sure Sigourney is a popular name in Ireland...
Nigella Lawson watching the Euros on telly: of course England scores while i'm away from the telly brewing a pot of pot tea...
Gordon Ramsay: a bird on either pole.........England v Switzerland.
Roger Federer: i'm on a beach honing my beach-tennis skills.
mom: in the '80s, everyone had a Minolta camera. i had a Minolta camera.
dad: your Minolta photo of me is how i stay alive, i hide in that photo.
Jen R: remember Kodak Disc? i use those discs for my car tires now.
Deadpool & Wolverine: the funniest person in this film is Peyton Manning...
DoorDash: Sticky Burger, don't worry, it has to do with delivery times...
Joe Namath: remember when electronics in New York City were magical in the '80s?
Suzy Kolber: The Wiz, Frye's, Radio Shack, these were PORTALS not places.
Joe Namath: that's very good, wife. i kept telling myself back then to get the football through the hole...
Fred Savage: remember when i was 11 years old and had a pet vaquita?
Shakespeare: 144, it's not the Psalm, i don't read the Bible...
Bustamante: welcome in our new goth-band bass player: Dead Warm.
Melissa Maker: Pillar and Post, it's a spa, nothing to do with Game of Thrones...
Britain: the breakwater.
Rakugo: if you're a loner but a comedian. uses the same Japanese lute as the Storybook International guy.
frittata: if you oil the WHOLE pan and make yourself a milk frittata for breakfast, you've had a good day.
Martin Yan: woks are always oiled, woks are never NOT seasoned.
Max Verstappen: i entered Formula 1 to make friends...
Lewis Hamilton: a 10-year career in F1 is a miracle, to be alive is a miracle...
Jules Smith: in order to move on, you must love on.
Boc: do i bring my leather grocery bag or my cute grocery bag?...
Banana League: when you want to actually have FUN playing baseball...
Tabitha Soren: we're all so proud of the beautiful-on-the-inside woman you've become.
Frances Bean Cobain: thanks. i think. just joshin' ya, Soren Siren.
Tabitha: Kurt Loder is my dad. you're a great person, Bean, your insights into life and death are sublime. you are so well-adjusted it's a miracle.
Frances: i was raised by the women of the Lilith Fair.
Kurt Cobain: yeah, thanks, guys.
Frances Bean: Lilith Fair isn't just a Starbucks album.
Liz Phair: i COULD have slept with Kurt Cobain but i wanted to be Frances's mother...
Madison Keys at Wimbledon: i have the worst luck. broken leg up 5-2 in the third? at least i was lucky in love.........finally.
boyfriend: yeah but why aren't i your husband yet? we've been dating for 5 years. have you seen the future? it's a crazy place.
Plymouth Library: not to train for Olympic table tennis...
Kate Lord: could there BE a more British name?
Boc: is it so wrong to want the fancy buns?.........for the hot dogs.
Storybook International "The Three Coins".
John Cleese: i'm a thief in this one. but i've never stolen jokes...
Michael Showalter: from this angle i look like Matthew Fox.
John Cleese: Cleese like geese. all British indie films have a scene with geese crossing a country road...
luter: all of these episodes are just an excuse to throw a lavish Medieval wedding at the end.
Ingmar Bergman: Hell is just a Swedish torch...
Ear Horn: laundry stove? that's a woman's worst nightmare. that's why we all became witches, dearie.
Gospel Oak: home to agnostic-with-doubts Michael Palin...
Ricky Gervais: life's not fair. and no one cares.
spaghetti with sauce: snack.
spaghetti with beans: meal.
Vision of Escaflowne Movie: that anime movie lonelyhearts watch in the dead of summer on a lonely hot July night alone in a theater, 9PM showing.
Jen gets out her sketchbook and pencil.
Jen R: i'm gonna FINALLY draw you, as promised.
she hands me a sheaf of cartridge paper.
me: what a gorgeously-detailed giant sunflower. so lifelike. the linework here is DENSE AND INTENSE. i've never seen a sunflower with a middle so full.
van Gogh: i have, both meanings.
Jen: remember that FAT SUNFLOWER we saw growing out of the dust on our way into town? just a little reminder that there's still in this one instance hope in this Western hellhole.
me: i feel desolate.
Jen: this isn't my sketchbook, it's my camera.
No comments:
Post a Comment