Sunday, March 19, 2023



me: every time i watch the Oscars again i get reinvigorated all over again. that's the one thing i wanna do before i die. a short. you know? i want to make a short film. a nice and complicated theme wrapped up in ten minutes.
Jen R: may i help you with this dream?
me: i thought you'd never ask!!! it's gonna have to be just a short, you know? that's all i can afford. one neon camcorder and one vaporwave cassette tape. the Camcord Chromebook. i got no actors who will work for free.
Jen R: you mean you got no friends.
me: i got no billion-dollar channel conglomerate company who can funnel trillions of dollars into a movie project, who can pay the salaries of their 30,000 striking crew like they have on Saturday Night Live. i haven't the time nor the money nor the resources to make an independent film, those things are expensive. i got no computers nor fancy gadgets. i can't do the whole thing in AI. 
Jen R: you DO have this CUTE PBS tote tho!!!
me: yes. whenever i stare at my empty PBS totebag i get inspired. i don't use this tote, i display it as a museum piece under glass, it's too precious to lose a thread at The Store. i want to make an Imagemakers short, a Film School Shorts short on PBS. 
Jen R: i get the feeling I'M gonna end up playing ALL the female parts. what's it gonna be about?
me: i'm still thinking on that. why's everyone happy all of a sudden? there's nothing to be happy about!!! the wind's coming back!!! the winds are coming back!!! i heard that hollow vowel sound of a windstorm breezing though the palm trees again. brushing the sways of the fronds. i'm fighting the winds coming back!!! i'm fighting the return of the winds!!! there's no time left!!! the sound of violent wind rustling, that sound is my trigger, the wind is my Vietnam flashback.

Double Down from KFC: now THAT's an Irish supper!!!

Boris Becker from prison: just sayin, Iwa Swiatek, that would be a nice body to make love to.

Trinity: the tabby bag is not a replacement for my soft-stuffing lithe-linen carry-kennel to lug me around the airport till i get on board an airplane cos i need a shot from the vet, okay?

4-leaf clover: wait a minute, isn't 4 an unlucky number?...

letters: are there lowercase numbers?...

Nissan: we ring the bell when a truck sale gets made, like a cancer patient getting cured.

Modelo: look at those beautiful grainy powdery corn tortillas on the grill!!!!!!!!! not attempt. do not attempt to make these delicious corn tortillas. don't burn your old spotty hand on the grill. no hand grillmarks. only if you're a special senora grandma with Aztec sparkles in her hair. do not attempt is the Modelo way. 

me with a square over my eye with my four fingers: Brooke Trantor and Jeremy Allen White wearing nothing but an apron are in a bare scene like those Oscars Cams, you know, that cam that spins the newly-minted newly-won winning Oscar winner in a 360-degree photograph that whips around the two warm bodies in a cold circle.
Jen R: Extra. that show Extra. Access Hollywood or whatever. Mario Lopez.
me: both are completely naked and Brooke is opening herself up to Jeremy in a deep philosophical artistic way, by letting her arms go to expose her tits like pink flowers blooming from the chest of The Venus. 
Brooke Trantor: cum all over my massive gigantic heavy swaying breasts. they're laid out for you on a silver platter, a tray, ready to shoot your White all over on them. i'm on my knees in heels, barrage my boobs with your beef. well done. well-done steak. i'll never be Broke Brooke again.
Jeremy Allen White, sweating beads of hot drops on his furrowed forehead not from working in a steamy kitchen all day: fuck.
Brooke Trantor: there you go, big boy. got glazed. i'm a mess. i am covered in a white that is not my wedding dress, my red heels healed you. forked fjords of frugal fun, my quivering tits are all sticky now which means my tits are all spongy now. like spongecake. shake that spongecake. slap that spongecake. the steam was me. i got a thing for cute Chicago chefs with curls.
Jeremy Allen White: i can use all those cum droplets dripping down off your breasts as pan drippings to make my indie steak sauce. could go on veal, too.
Brooke: there's no reduction here. 
Jen R eyes closed with a massive deep heavy sigh: CUT. stop stop enough. ugh. i don't like your dream. a movie is NOT JUST the sex scene of the movie!!! the movie has to BE a movie, you know?!!!

me: the movie has to be a movie. 
i put my pink baseball cap on backwards and contemplate that the rest of the timeframe, i think about things again.

Ulf Buck: i am what monks should have been...

Keith Haring: the first time you saw my art was in that LL Cool J "Around the Way Girl" music video...

Sharon Stone: okay so i also need to be in the next Austin Butler movie because i need money. because of the whole banking thing...

Modelo: being a bartender is like being in a war zone...
Tom Cruise: ...
Bryan Brown: it cost me my life...

The Worst Witch: we invented the overcast sky...

Ricky Martin: as a bartender on General Hospital i started the whole reggae Bob Marley dreads thing...

Doryce: dear, we're moving into the Dover Sun House!!!
Gladyce: we gotta build it again first, dear!!!

The Bear, the two brown and black bears from Northern Exposure, and all the polar bears from Lost are together in a pack quietly pacing through the one-horse town at 6 in the morning under an overcast sky. away. out of town in one minute. 
me: i'm sorry. i am sorry for EVERYTHING. i am an idiot. this is why i need a guide through life.
Jen R: and this guide is invariably me?
me: yes.
Jen R: oh brother. 
me: can i have a pink-grandma-sweater hug? only you know how to give me an antique hug. only you know how to hug antiquely.
Jen R: no hugs this week, hon, that's your punishment, so you think about it some more. 
me: fair. as long as you don't leave. so what do YOU want to make the short about?
Jen R: well, i was thinking about the mysteries of a very specific special nebula...


Friday, March 17, 2023




* me: if there's ANYONE WHO EVER LIVED ON PLANET EARTH who deserves multiple Emmys for Genius In Writing, it's Mr. Rod Serling!!!
Rod Serling: i mean look at the fucking BOUFFANT i'm wearing up there, i'm a writer displaying Pimp Level 1000. that's not me giving the finger to the Academy up there in that pic don't worry. yeah that was us at the formation of The B-52's. first pic is me during my Apocalypse Now audition, the '70s were wild...

* me: i have to type with my sweater OFF cos the sleeves get caught on the corner of my Chromebook. that means i'm cold when i write...

* Princeton: YEAH!!! FUCK YOU, ARIZONA!!! that was the ultimate blue state vs. red state battle!!! 
Colgate: please don't make fun of our name.
Oral Roberts: please don't make fun of our name...
Julia Ioffe: i did a college tour of Oral...

* Jillian Clare: in honor of Arizona losing, i shall dine at a two-story restaurant with my special guest Taylor Swift.
Taylor Swift: oh no Jillian, the pleasure is all mine.
Jillian: we're in Heir-izona. get it? for the song "Heiress."
Rebekah Harkness: that's not a massive church organ behind me, that's backstage at a ballet, the behind-lights...

* Patrick Duffy: i'm Irish? who would've guessed? 

* Michael D. Higgins: it's me!!! i'm Dungeon Master from that 1983 cartoon Dungeons & Dragons!!! i told you i'd survive all this time. not from 1983, from Medieval times. i am an immortal being.

* Su Elliot: Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!...

* burn time: the time it takes to get into Nine Inch Nails...

* Mark: the Metaverse will save lives in a burning building the fire flames coming at you in a swirl from all directions...
Backdraft: you still gotta CHECK FOR WARMTH!!! when you hit that door.
Naruto's last episodes: ...
Simon Cowell: i crushed my kneecap riding my electric bicycle again. give it to me straight, doc.
doctor: looks ugly. the Metaverse will provide you with a virtual cast...
Robin Williams in a museum: the Metaverse will reignite your secret furry love of the woolly mammoth, AI will actually bring the woolly mammoth back to life...
dodo: isn't that a good thing?...

* Walgreens: should we put you on the 9-day plan?
patient: look at my fucking leg, ma'am!!! give me the 900-day plan!!! give me ALL the fucking drugs!!!
caretaker: i'll be honest, some days i forget which pills i gave to grandma.
pharmacist: just be sure YOU don't take grandma's pills or you'll end up like Sheena Easton in that Outer Limits episode "Falling Star."

* if it's a Rolex Oscars commercial, there will ALWAYS be a scene from Billy Elliot...
Su Elliot: ...
Laertus: that Milk shirt is so rad!!! that Milk shirt Sean Penn wears is the coolest T-shirt in the world!!!

* Wes Anderson: see if there's no safety on set, there can't be any weirdness from me. that's why i direct from this skyscraper crane chair on a hydraulic pulley up here.
anonymous stuntperson: has there ever been a stuntperson who went on to be a famous actress or actor? or are we all risking our lives every day for nothing?
Bruce Willis: ...

* Hyundai electric cars: insert your NES Zapper into your gas tank for power...
Wuigi: did you have a grey gun or an orange gun growing up?...

* Tache: stache. 
Freddie Mercury with mustache: touche. i had a Jewel overbite, too. aren't you glad i didn't spell it Kool Kat?

* Progressive
man: what do we do now?
agent: we live. like Peter Griffin. i'm into arm-wrestling in the dark.
man: nah, i just want to nap.
agent: you're not a cat. humans don't live very long, i'm in a dead-end job.
man: i told my wife...
agent: i'm your wife now.

*  Dean Winters: i don't have a sizzle, i have sadism.
Laertus's dad: promposals weren't a thing in the '80s, all we did was ask in the back of a limo...

* Dick's
--- at first it was just a team.........then it became a traveling sisterhood of pants.
--- that coach changed our son.........into a businessman.
--- running.........changes come back tired.
--- me: oh no i can't do Little League baseball diamonds, i cry every time i see one.
--- i didn't know where to sit for lunch.........that season changed everything.........besides, the lunches there tasted like lead paint.
--- me: scholarships are my Vietnam flashbacks.

* Otto Desc: not the bombmaker guy

* Carnival: three best friends, one Caribbean cruise, do these women have what it takes? 
women: fuck you, Carnival, you lost one of us at sea!!! 
woman: yeah you lost me, Carnival, when you wouldn't let me go back and get my sunglasses.
Carnival: ship sunglasses only. the boat was already in Titanic Mode i mean cruise control.
women: are these drinks or smoke?
Carnival: dry ice used for our magic shows performed in your rooms.
women: why is the zipline the size of a ruler?

* hey writers, STRIKE!!! STRIKE THE FUCK OUTTA THE THING!!! HELL YEAH STRIKE!!! get that streaming money, get that moolah that streams right into your pockets, nothing out of pocket about that. you deserve every cent, without you there is no entertainment. i'm on your side FOREVER. writing a new SNL every week is FUCKING HARD!!! 

happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: is the Triple Stacker from Burger King the same as the triple cheeseburger?.........wait a minute The Double Down is coming back?!!! THE DOUBLE DOWN FROM KFC???!!!!!!!!! nevermind...

Thursday, March 16, 2023



me: i find myself on the second story of a swanky indoor restaurant with candlelit aura and red not champagne carpeting. even the carpeting on the stairs is red. it's hazy but the aura is there, it's felt. Jillian Clare is dining with her friends, to her right is Michael Bolton.
Michael Bolton: hey you like my new curly hair? i'm trying something new. trying to get seen. my ENTIRE career of cringefest adult-contemporary singing and songs will have been worth it, my ENTIRE life mind you, if it gets me one night with Jillian. what is ADULT CONTEMPORARY anyway? what the hell does that mean? couldn't somebody have come up with a BETTER name?
on the left is me. i promise the party i won't be hungry. we are dining on Everything bagels of course on our white plates with our steak knives and steak forks. i can't hear the conversation but of course it's crisp and elucidating cos it's Jillian. 
me: and then out of the blue right there it happens, THE GREATEST TIT-GRAZE OF THE AGES, i accidentally brush up against Jillian Clare's massive gigantic breast and the table flips over and lands in its upright position again. no water is spilled, just circular waterfalls are formed. my elbow that touched the boob needs to be encased in ivory after this.

Jen R: are we done dissecting dreams on the day? deifying your dreams? oh leave the poor girl alone!!! let her eat in peace. without you. dreams are wishes that will never be fulfilled.
me: but that's the thing tho, why can't life be THAT?!!! i want to live THERE. in the second-story restaurant with Jillian Clare. sitting down to a nice meal. there is NOBODY i'd rather talk Oscars with than Jillian Clare, she's the expert on all things Academy Awards!!! i don't want to live HERE in THIS reality. this reality doesn't have the two-story restaurant.

"Veridis Quo" Daft Punk music video: is that a monastery or a castle?
Abbot Butt: monastery, castle, same thing.
Mozart: why was i a child prodigy? if i had been an adult prodigy i wouldn't be as fucked up as i am now.
Abbot Butt: the Academy school for witch girls in The Worst Witch is Grande Chartreuse monastery!!!
Eva Longoria: when i swim in an out-of-the-way green bog in Mexico, it's like that scene from Lars von Trier's Melancholia...

Pete Davidson: if there's one person who should be a monk, it's me. hence the shaved head. or to remember a cancerous friend, whatever.
me: um, i shave my head to remember my friend with cancer...

Chunk from The Goonies: now THAT's a friend!!! i gave the part TO MY FRIEND instead of giving it to me for MY comeback tour!!! that's MAGNANIMOUS!!!

PG&E: yeah we had to change our number...

Anna Smashnova: yes i work at Smashburger now but that has nothing to do with it...

the monastery: it's an escape.........but it's a temporary escape...

2023: The Year of Leaving

Sharon Stone handing Austin Butler her phone number: it's not what you think. i recently lost my brother, i need Austin Butler to be my new little brother, my new lil bro...

Jules Smith: there's nothing worse than a cold English muffin.

Michael Weissman: sure of course yes i'm also Joshua Weissman the youtube chef. we all look alike. can't you tell from the same sarcasm and caustic wit we use?...

Carmy Berzatto: how long has it been since i last SUT down?!!!

Club for Growth: and we will do it.
Club for Hair Growth: ...

Hugh Grant: the Champagne Carpet at the Oscars certainly didn't mellow ME out during my interview with Ashley Graham...

2023: people still blog?

dark raven-haired girl with the boobs, black shirt, and braid: you want life insurance? hey, if you need $1 trillion in coverage, we're here.

Aldon Jacob: lookin' like a dang PARKING LOT out there today, man, this traffic SUCKS!!!

Michael Weiss: Instagram now is just a place you post lost kids, this whole thing has become terribly tragic and sorely sad.

sargassum: when Doryce gets bloated eating Gordon Ramsay's macaroni n cheese.

Doryce: i did my first jumping jacks today, dear!!! 
Gladyce: did you do what i taught you, dear? your ankles wound like a tight coil ready to spring potential energy into kinetic energy and welt sores on your ankles? 
Doryce: so i jumped up high during the power-outage rain-and-windstorm and on my first jack the storm carried me away to the sky me twirling like a hamster-wheel circle my everything upskirt everywhere all at once and i disappeared never to return again into a cloud. is that how jumping jacks are supposed to work?

Fairuza Balk: the one spell all witches can agree on is the one that halts those fucking 6-DAY POWER OUTAGES!!!!!!

Jillian Clare in crop jeans sneezes HARD.

Eye Luggage: The Worst Witch and go. the 1986 TV movie, the first THING made after the books. NOW we're getting back to the origin of goth.
Fairuza Balk: i try to forget i ever did this.........but the first rule of goth is your past made you a goth.

Laertus: okay i mean like the special effects here are TERRIBLE, this is high-school-production level. some bad grade-school play put on at night in the Fairfax District for the parents. i used to do grade-school plays that were like this, the cheapest special effects imaginable. come on, it was 1986, Tron came out in 1982!!! the BBC has money!!! surely there were better video effects to be had. better TV for the TV movie. i swear i saw some cardboard standees in the castle. all the props are plastic. the costumes are cute tho. 
me: i remember all those grade-school plays...
Jen P: you still wish you were doing them...

J.K. Rowling tries to join the chat but is BLOCKED.
J.K. Rowling: what the fuck.........

Mildred Hubble: i'm a spazz but i invented glasses so the universe can see itself better!!!

Diana Rigg: Hardbroom here. i really need to get laid, the wood vibrator ain't cuttin it.

Charlotte Rae: wait why is Miss Cackle the good one and Agatha the bad one?

Tim Curry: my agent said i had to do family-friendly fare for 10 years after Rocky Horror...

Sabina Franklyn with the cat eyes: i'm a real-life Miyazaki character in a Little Red Riding Hood red hood with a lightning bolt and thunderclap on my cloak.
Miyazaki: i didn't copy but i'm a huge fan. my girl showed her knickers more and was a mailman.

Su Elliot: i'm that hot sidekick with the triangular hair, a perfect punk for the '80s, i'm like a punk Sheena Easton, Bubble from AbFab but sane. sane is sexy, right? I'M the one you fantasized about, not Diana Rigg.

Maud Warlock: so i'm not allowed to be a witch in this society? i'm single...

Anna Kipling: PLEASE don't censor Mowgli, this is getting out of hand. have you noticed that all girl media has a bully who's BLONDE? a white rich mean blonde girl. who's tall and skinny. that is very perceptive.

Pui Fan Lee: without me, there's no Everything bagel.

Bonnie Langford: i wish i had been Sheena Easton. but no, i had to end up another person on the Isles doing a Doctor Who episode...

Tenbury Wells: if a town was a white chocolate-chip cookie...

Fairuza: stop. take a breath. Miss Hardbroom, Teacher, i'm thin as a board.
Diana Rigg: don't say that in front of me, that gets me nervous. you know it's not true that all girls love being skinny. you're still young, you still got time, it's too late for me, i'm locked into being neurotic about my weight. 
Fairuza: i wish i had learned that Invisible Spell cos i could be invisible during these my growing-up years.

Maud: wake up, Mildred, it's time for P.E..........just kidding.

Diana Rigg: what are we gonna do with this incorrigible child!!! she's a klepto klutz!!!
Miss Cackle: be nice, dear, be gentle. i'm not so much hot as i am.........lovable. a potbellied short teddy bear who takes in and gives a lot of fat hugs.

Miss Cackle: i mean there's not much we can do, we're already in a boarding school!!!
Fairuza: i miss boys, why did i have to be shipped off to an away private school?
Diana Rigg: because, child, you were so poor you had one dress to your name with no hem and your mom's a seamstress!!!
Fairuza: don't you be cracking wise bout my mama, i'll turn you into a frog. you'll still be a sexy frog tho. don't try to use correctives on me, i can't change my ways, i'm immutable, i was meant to be a rigid bad girl for life, out on the open highway on my rigid broomstick. don't try and fight me, don't try to fight me, my bodyguard is a copper Tin Man with a mustache, an old soldier from the War on Oz. is this filmed in Australia?
Miss Cackle: i like that copper Tin Man, he has a pot-belly like me.

Greykid: black cats aren't bad luck, that is a total misnomer. and 13 is NOT an unlucky number, that was all made up, that's pigwash. break out of your fear and pick a plum from a tree. the Sorting Hat?...

black cat: yeah Greykid but it's bad luck for me to be ETHEL's cat!!! this bitch is a future British Karen!!!

Miss Spellbinder: don't worry about feeding your black cats, girls, they eat air and poop only when they're flying high on a broom.

Miss Spellbinder: i'm single...

Maud: what are you gonna name your black cat?
Fairuza: Blackie.
Maud: well we can't name it that...

Ethel: why the fuck you turn me into a PIG, bitch!!!???
Fairuza: if the shoe know you'd be good for my Craft crew in a couple of years.
Ethel: whatever you do, don't you DARE call me Christine P. Bacon!!!

Fairuza: want the hot goss? i heard Miss Hardbroom lost the love of her life cos she didn't fling the curly apple peel over her back hard enough so the peel wasn't long enough and didn't reach her ankles.
Laertus: WHOA!!! these are some scary green special effects for 1986!!! this is frightening stuff for the young ones, kids don't like holograms, trust me.
Eye: we're gonna have kids, right?
Laertus: yes. left kids.
Mardith: i'm still waiting for my Korean pop star... 
Dirg: i'm serious but what is the age group for this movie? what's the age range? like it's only for girls between the ages of 4-9?

Diana Rigg: so you girls up in the sky are gonna do the Holdo maneuver with your brooms, see? don't you LOVE my circular chalkboard? triangulate the distance in the air with the wind velocity so there isn't a terrible in-air collision. a horrible pileup of broken wood in the sky.
me: my dad used to call all car accidents collisions.

Diana pausing to reflect tearfully: yes it's true.........Tim Curry was the one who got away.........he would have made a DASHING James Bond...

outside on the small mountain leafy hill around the cauldron.
Agatha: i have evil purple hair cos i'm a Jem punk. it's the '80s so i watch MTV!!! i'm a rebel. i got this spellbook grimoire from Wile E. Coyote. do we have any newts? 
Delilah: fresh out. ever since that Irish Independence thing bringing Northern Ireland back into the fold, making the country whole again. apples work better, ma'am. 

the girls at assembly: OH MY GOD the Grand Wizard is SO DREAMY!!!!!!!!!
Diana Rigg: you do know he's gay, right?
girl witches: we're too young to care about that stuff!!!

Charlotte Rae: it's GODDESS, girls!!! learn from a feminist like me!!!
Fuerza sighs.
Diana Rigg: he's not racist, okay?

The Grand Wizard: and now i'm gonna do my version of the Queen "Cool Cat" music video. DANCE WITH ME!!! this rendition is so Tim & Eric.
Diana Rigg: god DAMN these beats are juicy and funky!!!

Freddie Mercury: check out my new music video for my new hit single "Living on My Own."

Tim Curry takes Diana Rigg's fingery hand.
Tim: goodness. goodness me, god me. good morning, beautiful.
Diana Rigg: it's evening. look up. see the castle with the pumpkin face all glowed up in cheap orange lights?
Tim: very clever to premiere this movie the day AFTER Halloween. your hand is quivering.
Diana Rigg: i'm just about to's a spy tactic.

Gladyce and Doryce: Mildred, that's a total crone name!!!

Fairuza, crying heavily with black makeup under her eyes: everybody hates me!!! i'm running away!!! tell my parents!!! you'll be sorry when i turn up missing another lost kid on a milk carton on Instagram!!!
black cat: cream carton.
Fairuza: we're leaving, black cat!!! i'll take care of you. i'm flying away on this broom and never coming back!!! never turning back!!!
black cat: okay but you gotta FEED me, okay? and i get first dibs on the blanket.

Tim Curry: you see? it's the strange girls who end up ruling the world. take my wife...

Soul Asylum: runaways will rule the world one day...

Tim Curry: now, child, fly off on your broom into the Star Wars Sunset...

Diana Rigg: you have such a way with children, Miss Cackle, it's a soft touch i'm afraid i will never get the hand of.
Miss Cackle: you just gotta know how to talk to young people, Miss Hardbroom. massage your words so they make the most impact with them. treat young women with kindness, fairness, respect, equality, and dignity. Mildred wasn't a handful, i knew she was a diamond in the rough, a street urchin with a heart of gold. she reminds me of how spoiled i am in my training. she reminded me of when i used to housekeep and babysit for a rich old white man. his charges became my family, i love them dearly to this day. i'd drive my faded pink Pinto every morning up from the basin that swallows this castle to the hill over there with the skyscrapers past the slums of California Suite. Mildred reminds me of a genius kid i used to know, a boy by the name of Arnold Drummond Jackson. drummond, the beat of one's own drum. g'night folks. 

Jillian Clare: cum all over my big butt. my big butt is like a tray laid open, bare, for you to perform, to blow. there you go. it feels nice. all wet and damp and moist, spongy. the cum is starting to drip off my butt now, rushing off the cookie curve in drips, milky droplets going down the valley of my buttcrack...
Jen R: i don't like your dream anymore.
me: sorry, these are all temporary scenes anyway. hey Jillian, what say we finish writing this script, Hollywood will someday finally do "The Daring Young Woman on the Flying Trapeze" song as a movie...  
Jillian Clare: Michelle Yeoh is our queen, yo!!! and Ke Huy Quan is our king, he's the key!!! they said i couldn't be SAG president cos my body does not sag, my body is a brick house, nice and tight, all wound tight as a drum.
Miss Princess Leia: don't worry, child, i'll doctor their slummy script and turn it into gold behind the scenes... 



Monday, March 13, 2023



me: it's always a trip watching the Oscars.
Jen R: i wouldn't know, i'm always in a drug haze.
me: babe it gets me nervous when i can't find you. everyday i have to REUPLOAD MY FOLLOW of you on Instagram, it's always saying your account doesn't exist, you don't exist, which i know is false.
Jen R: i'm as real as you.
me: it's nerve-racking. i was all alone at the Oscars party waiting for you to show, i had a tray out of your favorite dessert.........which is?
Jen R: beef wellington. jellyroll you know how i roll. Swiss roll cos my favorite player is Taylor Fritz the one who looks like Evan Dando. anything with The Swirl. i'm into the swirl.
me: Uzumaki, coming to Adult Swim 2025...

Jen R: AREN'T YOU HAPPY FOR BRENDAN FRASER!!! finally. ecstatic.
me: yeah, he finally got his Oscar. after a life of pain. Encino Man has been redeemed, you can melt that block of ice away now, smelt it into stinky pewter.
Jen R: Gaga looked like every barista in Silver Lake.
me: every year it happens to me again, the Oscars give me my reason to live for the rest of the year. that Academy Awards In Memoriam soft song GETS to me. and Gaga or Madonna or Rihanna or whoever comes out and torches a ballad so beautifully it redeems me, you know? renders me speechless, showers me with undue glory and sparkles. it works EVERY TIME!!! the silence after, the darkness after, just the glow of the footlights. the song's message is always the same: don't commit suicide, no matter what you're going through, all the disappointment, all the rejection, all the belabored and shattered plans, having to start over from square one least one more year, live at least until next year's Oscars.

my Chromebook: this week call it the Circuit-breaker in the circuit FUCKING BROKE!!!

Katie Volynets: i got the perfect tennis name, Volley Nets.
Anna Smashnova: ...

Gladyce: bend down.........and look at the world upside-down...
Doryce: and do jumping jacks in that position...

meat sauce > meatballs

Lucio on the green phone: hello? why do you keep calling me? why would Robert Louis Stevenson School be calling ME?!!! at MY HOUSE!!!
call: this is a spam call, i am a breathing real human. i man the lines and talk to the person whenever a spam call is answered.
Lucio: so it's your JOB to make spam calls?!!!
spam-call person: yes, think of me as that guy from that Linda Fiorentino movie...

The Hypnotoad: you can't eat can't even apply sunscreen with a bullfrog...

Michael Weiss: why's everyone exercising on Instagram? lifting weights and shit, everybody's in physical rehabilitation!!! working out to get back out there on the dating scene!!!

Abbot Butt at Grande Chartreuse monastery: he ain't a heavy ugly monkfish, he's my brother.

Dirg: wanna quickly end an Instagram Relationship? just DM them that you need to borrow $1000 from them...

Madame Pons: ironically, Silverchair's album Neon Ballroom, which contains the song "Spawn Again," has a cover that looks like a hamburger...

Bob Odenkirk: no, it would have been better if i had remade Ishtar.
Tommy Wiseau: ...

PG&E on the phone: otherwise you can just hang up!!!
Lucio: she says that so excitedly, with so much jubilation.

Eurovision: American Idol WISHES it could EVER be as big as Eurovision...

NCAA Basketball Tournament Selection Show: we're on Oscars Night? we got enough guac for Oscar Night? all of our players will be wearing Louis Vuitton.........dresses.

Walter Matthau: i never pinched a butt in my life, okay?

Jenna Ortega: i look EXACTLY like.........
Pete Davidson: me?
Jenna Ortega: Rosie Perez.
Rami Malek: ... 

Kernville: where Miss Piggy waits.........for her man to come back home.

MIND diet: Charles Xavier's diet

Mall Madness: not an '80s girl's favorite board game, an '80s GOTH's favorite board game...

Michael Weiss: the best youtube comment to use for any reason? fuck the world

Aldon Jacob: all traffic's looking like a parade out there today...

me: you can't get rid of me. that easily. or rather, NOW. now that i know. i'll always be snooping, wondering where you are TODAY. i'll follow you to the next platform. it's a STALKING OF LOVE, a stalking of concern.
Jen R: i live life sucker free. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2023



Jen R and i at the tennis courts.
me: where are we?
Jen R: Hughson of course. you want your daily hug now?
me: is it 10:45AM already?
Jen R: we only got this court for like five minutes, there are some very special guests coming from what i hear.
me: I MERELY NEED YOU IN MY ORBIT FOREVER in order for me to function, that's all. got any quarters in your skirt for the machine?

Vinnie Barbarino: i was failing all my classes. except one, the Scientology one, that was the only one that was interesting.

in the neighboring court Gladyce is jacking to prepare for her tennis match with Doryce. she does 100 jumping jacks without a breath, stretches her leg up over her nose, and stands on her head. 
Gladyce: you can only look at the world upside-down through yoga...

Outer Limits (1995 series) casting director: i had the greatest Little Black Book of all time...

shaker hood: the only car the Amish may drive...
shaker scoop: Amish ice cream.
Boom Boom Washington: hood scoop? Boom Boom Washington does NOT like ice cream, you dig? don't give me that industry shit i do my own thing *curls tongue*.
boneshaker: steampunk bicycle.

Fuerza: wanna know how to talk to a woman? just call her a goddess...

Dirg: i'm sorry but Maiara Walsh is a GODDESS. i can't hate. her perfect globular bosom, her Brazil breast, is the TIT OF THE WORLD, the tit of the globe, the globalist teat. sex with Maiara Walsh is not sex, it's an otherworldly experience in which you leave your body and travel high up into outer space. into a space fountain of everlasting gushing cum that drives rivers and creates moon mountains.
Maiara Walsh: it's called a whirlpool of peace. you wouldn't understand.
Mardith: Dirg, you believe in the body of light? the astral body? that's a start. shed all your patriarchal religions and we'll talk.
Dirg: even Mormonism? those saints are latter and gnarly. later.
Mardith: you believe in the moon? that's a start. next i'll get you to admit the Moon Landing was real.
Madame Pons: get him to convince himself that there are other worlds besides those in the Christian Bible, other stuff out there in space that's not religiously human, and then we'll FINALLY have Dirg's brain not being hopelessly diseased, smelly of bath salts, and inoperable.
Doryce: no brain is immune to witch magic. he'll come around to our side. like that old-man tracker in the Outer Limits episode "The Choice."
Sarah Michelle Gellar: witch-hunters make me VOMIT.

Neil Armstrong of NASA: i'm just here for the cum craters. 

Roald Dahl: remember, witches can't be caught. 
Gladyce: o Roald oh boy, hit the road, sure there is devilry in my blood, my blood is O for all beings.
Doryce: i don't agree with censoring your books. but i DID WISH you had made the Giant Peach juicier to perk my coital imagination, you know? my puerile pops. my vaginal vicissitudes...

Dirg: i swear, i'm flippin through my TV Guide here and i can't tell if this butcher show is about Southern cooking or Southern murder...

Eye Luggage in a black sunhat: California Suite and go.
Maggie Smith: has Maggie Smith ever been nude?
Dirg: you address yourself in the third person? this is why i hate Hollywood.
Maggie Smith: ONCE. once have i ever been nude, done nudity. it was HERE. that's why i won the Oscar.
Dirg: you got some nice tits for a wrinkled dried-up husk of a witch grandmaster in those prescient Harry Potter movies.
Maggie: that's CRONE, young man!!! i'm gonna turn you into a frog when you're drinking your can of Diet Rite tonight alone in your kitchen.
Dirg: NutraSweet is the government's way to control your mind. saccharine is street syrup. i drink Diet Rite and i didn't hear ANY yoga babes knocking at my door.
Daniel Radcliffe covering his eyes with his fingers: NO!!! i can't look at my precious beloved Minerva McGonagall NAKED!!!.........what am i talking about? i did Equus.
Maggie Smith: gone with the wind...

Tom Brady: i retired cos of a cute cat.
Talia: Louie???!!!
Jane Fonda: you weren't that hot anymore when we worked together, Tom, you were OLD...

Neil Simon: i was Aaron Sorkin before Aaron Sorkin.
Aaron Sorkin: call me the Modern Neil Simon, that would be a compliment for me.
Neil Simon: i came up with that whole wordfighting between two characters, the rapid-fire back-and-forth witty repartee, the tit for tat, the method, the increasing insults escalating quickly. sunbaked Virginia Woolf.
Aaron Sorkin: staccato like a typewriter.........i still use a typewriter...

Dana Plato: let's everyone around here be honest, the only reason you watched this was for ME. this kickstarted my ultimately Shakespearean tragedy of a career.  everybody was mad, including me, as you continued watching this you only see me in a non-speaking role sitting on the grass by my divorced parents' suite. 
Jane Fonda: it's 1978, it's the birth year of Laertus's dad and Phoenix, we have to commemorate that year by calling it a lawn, grass in the '70s was colitas.
Dana Plato: only at the VERY END do i have a speaking part at the airport!!! you would have been PISSED OFF, huh. watching this for nothing. waiting for nothing. me, too.

David Hockney: yes i used to paint hockey scenes and puck still lifes but that got boring. besides, hockey is increasingly becoming more and more ultranationalist-rightwing...
Andy Warhol: we gotta be the examples of good. it is possible.

Alan Alda: i'm the sexiest sensitive man of all time.
Jane Fonda: a successful screenwriter? that's not a thing in Hollywood. Carrie Fisher gets all the scripts and makes them gold.

Alan Alda: when did you start smoking?
Jane Fonda: they're Virginia Slims, all the female tennis players are doing it.
Alan: it's 1978, only Los Angeles and New York City exist.
Jane: Los Angeles is New York without culture. why are we comparing the two? they're the same city.
Alan: it's impossible to secede.
Jane: and succeed. i don't want my daughter hating me the rest of her life like i hated my mother the rest of her life.
Dana Plato: ANOTHER Jennifer for Patrick?
Alan: don't you come from royalty? even though your name is a plain name like Jane? the Queen can't die.

Jane: this whole conversation between the two of us is WEIRD AND LONG. why is it so long? why didn't we decide custody without a court, Kramer is canceled.
Alan: let's save the grievances for Greece. 

on the beach.
Alan: my mother always told me, never bicker on a beach. oh god you're wearing THE GREEN BIKINI, don't wear the green bikini, i can't divorce you now.
Jane: let's make another baby.
Alan: let's make a Dana Plato who lives...

Alan: i don't care who you screw to get ahead in your career, i do the same, i had to fuck Conrad Bain to save a whole lot of people's lives. by the way, why are you a workaholic? haven't you heard, work is a passe fad now.
Jane: be sure to feed Jenny many lima beans, that'll counteract the round street-drug pills in her system. where are you going?
Alan: to war in this sweater.

Maggie Smith: look at my pic up there, the one with me holding the Oscar statuette. that is META, dahlin. the good meta, the '70s meta, not our present Mark Zuckerberg shit. you see that's me winning a REAL OSCAR for THIS, not my character in this who LOSES the Oscar in the script. trippy, huh.

Michael Caine: put on this hydrangea before you eat your crudites, oyster shells, and lobster tails, pet, we mustn't lose our British manners while slumming it in L.A.
Maggie Smith: all i'm asking is for the kitchen to make me eggs Benedict at 10:45PM. don't i deserve that? i did a spoof of the Airplane! movies!!! 
Michael: traitor. and don't you DARE call me a faggot, you're too classy for that, you're an Ibsen actress not an obscene actress. you have to set an example for all the schoolchildren underlings under you.
Maggie: but i'm teaching them black magic. well then, prove it, fuck me.

Maggie and Michael in bed clothed but naked.
Maggie Smith: i mean it, dear, FUCK ME. i want to be FUCKED, i want that swelling sensation. i want to be mashed and smashed. i want to be thrown around like a rag-doll against the wall and choked. i know that's not British-proper but sex is meant to be MESSY. is this a marriage or a business arrangement?
Caine: isn't that what marriage is? sound out my last name, you knew what you were getting into with me, imma hockey player, my heart belongs to hockey, not any woman. i will never not be gay, and thus i will be the only man who will ever TRULY LOVE YOU. you're the lucky one in life. do you know how hard it is to find a decent cabana boy in every city late at night? they're never home, they're out on the water!!! my dreams are realized when YOUR dreams are realized.
Maggie: so you're my TEACHER?!!!

Caine: here, have my mashed potatoes, that's all i can offer you, i'm a gypsy, madam, not a masher. 

Laertus: that was pretty cool, they filmed the Academy Awards scenes at a REAL Academy Awards ceremony, all those outside shots of the celebrities filing in and the auditorium shots of celebrities wondering why cameras are in there are all REAL. the reactions are pricelessly bewildering.
Maggie: i wonder if it's gonna rain at this year's Oscars...
Army Archerd: i was actually in the Navy. Army is short for Armand. 
Archer: ...
Army Archerd: i hate apples.

Maggie: THE BEST LINE IN THIS WHOLE THING is one i say: "when i'm an actress i can be ugly. but when i'm a real woman i want to be beautiful."

Richard Pryor: hood scoop? only we can say that, Neil Simon can't say that.
Bill Cosby: well it IS the radiator!!!
Pryor: that radiator gave me a rad radiator rainbow, chump!!! i'm the best of both worlds, i'm Chauncey from Wonder Showzen and Forrest Gump.
Cosby: wait so i'm a doctor who delivers babies AGAIN here?

Pryor: what? Chinese food makes you hungry, that's a FACT.

Pryor: don't talk to me about no broken toilet, it's IMPOSSIBLE to get those microscopic tiny little beads of silver balls on the FLUSHER CHAIN!!! floods are common in Hollywood. 

Pryor: there is only ONE reason you need to watch this: ME AND COSBY BRAWLING. we two going at it. the fight to end all fights!!!

Pryor: hey man, word of advice from a fellow brother in the industry, Panama is not the way to go, not the name to be known for, you should not be near ANY drugs.
Jen R: here let me take those from you, Cosby.
Pryor: we can at least look forward to Obama.

Jen R and i at the tennis courts.
Jen R: here here, please please, take OUR court, we make room for TWO LEGENDS. we'll just be over here, i'll be over here in my cute patio skirt by this reincarnation fountain here as i play in the water thinking it's a bong.
me: reincarnation is rejuvenating.

Dirg: don't forget your balls as you play this match.
me: orange tennis balls, so '70s. ONLY in the '70s were there orange tennis balls.

Pryor's wife: my foot feels like a wet piano.........that was another good line.

wet organ: do damp organs have dampeners?

Laertus: there is nothing more beautiful than two old men kissing on the lips. it's not gay, it's tradition.

Walter Matthau: HEY BROTHER!!!
Herb Edelman: i sound like food. cream cheese. a breakfast-in-bed platter.
Walter: i wish you hadn't eaten out my mother's bagel. but i forgive you.
Herb: once i see a lady tuckus i have to grab it pinch it adopt it.

Walter Matthau: i look like Matthew Broderick in this.

Walter: why are you wearing jogging pants?
Herb: in L.A. these are slacks, both meanings. why'd you come out here?
Walter: i had to escape my son, Dennis the Menace, he was driving me crazy. how could one slingshot cause an entire skyscraper to come down? we sent him to reform school.

Walter: dead naked hooker in my bed? i'm too old for this shit.

Walter: where'd you come from, sweetheart? the Playboy Club? a suite is a mansion for a day.
Bunny: i'm not a hooker!!! i'm a teacher!!! an art teacher!!! what subway do i take to get back to Mr. Kotter's school?
Walter: don't date James Woods!!! or you'll end up like this for real.

Elaine May: it was real DUMB of you to cheat on me. we had a marriage that was lasting FOREVER. i'm going to go on to be a critically-acclaimed director whose works no one will see cos i'm a woman!!! Happy International Women's Day in 1978!!! i'm gonna direct a few episodes of Rugrats which i will do lovingly...
Jenny Baranick: that's my mom.

Elaine: with my head held high i will still attend Dennis the Menace's bar mitzvah. i'm proud of our son, are you? think of all the infidelity and abuse and bad treatment and sorrow and undue burden and unfairness wives have had to swallow through the centuries to keep the family unit together for the kids. all the shit the women have had to put up with cos their husbands show shallow stupidity. why does the woman always have to be the bigger person? men never know what they have, they think they can always toy around and futz around and have fun. real life isn't some Three's Company episode. and it always has to be ignored in secret, by both parties...

Los Angeles: you had no idea i had a forest. 

Neil Simon: wait, so originally instead of 4 groups of people there is the same couple the same two people doing ALL 4 SCENARIOS?!!! that doesn't make any sense, how did they pull that off on Broadway? g'night folks.

me: i want a threesome.
Jen R: say you what?
me: instead of doubles let's play tennis with 3 people on the court.
Jen R: like if. hmmm, how could that work? the drugs are kicking in.........i'm seeing how this could arise, it's a whole new sport, it's tennis but it's not tennis. but it's definitely not pickleball. okay, i'll invite someone else over. i know people. i'm doing this cos i'm rad.
out of the ragged shadow of the chain-link fence Bjork steps out onto the court. Bjork is holding a tennis racquet made of aluminum tin she drops on the court.
me: hi Bjork.
Jen R: hihi Bjork. manifest with your sour smile. arise, materialize!!!
Bjork saying nothing buries her shy face in her bosom and waves up at us. 
Bjork takes off her swan tennis skirt.
me: oh cool!!! you brought one of those Contour Pillows that looks like a swan!!! 
Jen R: comfortable.
me: my back needs shape. THIS is the only pillow i'll endorse!!!