Wednesday, February 29, 2012
first, click on Stacy's mom for #2 in the series
THEN, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE
our expectations are so SKY HIGH now,
but we must look back and laugh,
and the key is that we did indeed laugh,
when you caught me in the bathroom strokin'
just two young kids, who knew
we would end up growing up together?
and growing apart,
only to find ourselves again,
and find ourselves through each other.
now, we have nice adult talks and adult fucks,
we think ourselves so cool
too cool for school or rules,
you lick your big breast, i smile,
i cum in your mouth, i smile,
i eat you out, you smile
that's 2 to 1, that ain't fair!!!!!!
but then we smile together and hug each other,
an adult hug borne of years of understanding, lived life,
and a shared childhood memory, a dream...
1. have you ever gotten caught touching yourself? how did you handle the situation?
2. who is the STACY'S MOM in your neighborhood?
CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT
Monday, February 27, 2012
1. you are sitting alone in a restaurant because your lunch date is late. do you
a) make out with the babe carrying the water
b) wait to make sure she's not dead, then compose an orchestral interlude in her honor
c) send her a text proclaiming the death of romance, her, and life in general
d) wait 20 minutes, then text another pal out of the sewers to join you for lunch
let me stop you right there, it's none of these, i have always eaten at restaurants alone, that's what we type do, it's our Way, it's our lonely lot in life...
2. what's more important, a romantic relationship or your career? career? i have a career in writing, not writing to get published and famous mind you, but rather writing to keep me sane, writing all the very weird things that pop into my head onto my little laptop here, my lappy, my computer friend here, to keep me stable and avoid me taking another pill. so, yes, i'd like a romantic relationship. any takers?
3. of the following, what's most likely to be your role-play kink?:
a) doctor/naughty nurse
b) gardener/hoe (ho)
c) persnickety principal and wayward student in need of a spanking
d) me Tarzan, you Jane
e) scattered-brain boss and seductive secretary
as a world-renowned lover of wordplay, i MUST choose C simply for the awesome words *persnickety* and *wayward*, but in my heart, i want to be a naughty doctor who develops a green thumb and works in the garden to blow off some steam...there's so much potential with that scenario...
4. when you want sex, who makes the first move?
a) me, i go for it
b) sometimes me, sometimes her
c) her, i'll never admit nor tell of my deep desire
d) i drop subtle hints hoping she'll realize and recognize
when i want sex, i tend to black out. when i come to, i've apparently CUMMED to, because the two of us are invariably on the dirty couch covered in semen and vagina juice, handcuffed to each other, with cum bubbles dancing in a lovely row on top of our heads
5. what best describes your lovemaking attitude?
a) vanilla: boring society's standards
d) trisexual, "I will try anything once, twice if i like it, three times to make sure."---MAE WEST
how can ANYONE go against the solemn words of Mae West?! she is our sex savior, i get down on my knees and---after i do THAT---i pray to her every night.
6. what is the seductive sweet nothing you whisper into the ear of that sexy woman you want? "i want to have sexs with you, i think you're, like, really hot, do you want to stick it into me? please?"
bonus: what's your idea of a romantic getaway? IHOP, those mini syrup pourer carafe bottles are collectibles.
CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY
Saturday, February 25, 2012
FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE TO START THE TEST
what should he have done instead?
A) tell her straight-up to her face, "i wanna fuck you. i know, i know, my wife and everything...i'm sorry, but i wanna fuck you."
B) say to her "my, my, my dear, what a lovely necklace you have. i was looking at your neckLACE, not your neckLINE, wink wink, nudge nudge," and then he nudges her with his elbow on her midsection, all clever like, like he just accomplished the single greatest wordplay of all time.
C) explain to her, "the reason i looked up suddenly in a jerky motion is not that i'm a jerk, but because there was this rare bird which flew by. did you see the bird? no? yeah, it was...this...rare bird...thing...flew around just for a split second...it had one blue feather instead of the usual three...not much of a bird person myself, but, y'know, when it enters your sphere of vision like that, you can't help but to gander at it...human reaction and all."
D) get up on the table and exclaim to everyone there, "Okay, OKAY!!! YOU GOT ME, okay? i'm not gonna lie anymore, ya got me, ya caught me staring at her hot tits, so sue me, i'm a man, i'm just a guy, so fucking sue me, take away my crown and let me get crowned." then, he pulls down his pants to reveal his point, he's wearing polka-dot and hearts jockey shorts by the way; "YOU CAUGHT ME WITH MY PANTS DOWN, YA GOT ME RED-HANDED, TAKE ME AWAY, OFFICER, I'M GUILTY OF HAVING A SEX DRIVE, YA HAPPY NOW, CAMERAS? HAPPY NOW?"
WANT MORE? CLICK HERE TO READ THE RED-HEADED RESEARCH BOOK I USED FOR THIS POST
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
click on my personal church to debut the new series
you can't keep a good bad man down.
after the cake incident, i resolved to make that a
demonic nightmare, an aberration, a second chance:
i would blaze my own trail now, not let anything else guide me,
and i found myself drawn to my own personal Mecca,
not the old crumbling churches of my parents' dead religions,
but one which sprang from inside my true heart, my real song,
i traveled miles and miles on blistery feet and thinning shoes
until i reached a large wooded area of spiky branches,
obviously there to protect from evil spirits,
i waved my hand to the sky to let Them know i was one of the
converted, i would not dare reveal this most holy of spots.
i crouched lovingly on one knee and began to pray,
pray to our blond-haired savior, to the ripped-knees jeans
and striped sweater, to the christmas silver fuzzy necklace around him,
with each flow of the long hair, a new power chord is born,
with each plaintive wail, a 3-minute Beatles song is muddied in the Banks.
i pray and join with others who pray, we see a
LIGHT, A BLACK AND WHITE LIGHT
this isn't THAT light, this is the light of our real savior,
the one who lived our life, our terrible, hard life, and sang about it,
sang about all of our true shortcomings, the Generation X which blamed itself finally,
didn't pass it on, but relished in its loserdom, owned it,
smoked with an intelligent eye,
and most of all, got dirty, got REALLY dirty with everything,
got down and DEEP with life.
that *AWAY*, fill that AWAY with all of your disappointments,
fill it with all of your anger and sadness, and fucking scream:
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, AND JOIN IN THE CHORUS OF *AWAY*
CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT
Monday, February 20, 2012
1. list ONE word to describe your last sexual encounter: GOD
2. describe your worst sexual experience and the fallout from it. dateline: college, she was the one i have been harboring a torch for ever since, the blonde, my fellow theatre-class student, i thought things were going well, the kisses, the longing looks, the hair-touching, i really thought we were going to go for it, do the skin dance, i set up a date at our cafe, she didn't show. i consider this my worst sexual experience even though we didn't do the nasty because i was already having sex with her in my mind, so it was like my body was missing out on what my brain was experiencing. the fallout was bad: dropped out of college, shut up in a small hole, and the worst decision yet: plugged into a computer, started a blog, the end is nigh
3. do you fuck outside the box? very dangerous question for me, but yes, yes i do, i'm normally a Burger King bathroom kind of guy, but one time i did do it at a jack in the BOX, so...it was actually INSIDE the BOX, though, in the bathroom
4. do you live the BDSM way in every way, not just in the bedroom, is it your religion? of course it is, BDSM is my way of life:
SM: salted meats
i've gotta eat a balanced meal each day, at least one, or it's hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings, must maintain that healthy diet to insure only the hardest of fucks in the bedroom.
5. how do you feel about your significant other fucking around with another person? wanna watch and/or join in? of course it's hot, i don't have any hang-ups when it comes to sex, i really don't, i'm all for absolute freedom and experimentation, if you feel it, move toward it, do it, embrace it, and fuck it silly. i'll join in, if you'll have me, i can even do the color commentary on our threesome sex tape which i'll then sell to the tabloids...no, no, just kidding, i'm not a bad person, i wouldn't do that, i know it's a private filmed moment between us three...you can trust me, wink wink
bonus: fill in the blanks: i like it (BLANK) on the outside and (BLANK) in the middle.
i like it CRISPY on the outside and DOUGHY in the middle, that's the best kind of toast, a piece of toast which can carry the weight of the pat of butter on it. we are talking 'bout toast, right? getting back to the whole BDSM thing...?
CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY
Saturday, February 18, 2012
CLICK HERE AND DISCUSS MY FUTURE INTERESTING VALENTINE'S DAY NIGHT
will this work? will this float? just for the record, I am in fact 4 and a half feet...in length...and girth...just putting that out there...
WANT MORE? CLICK HERE TO MEET ME. I'M A LOVE BANDIT WHO WILL INSERT A BEAR GRAM INTO YOUR AIR HOLE.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
click on my mom, i mean my date, eating my, or was it her?, birthday cake on That Special Day to conclude the series
waking up from an unconscious nap,
rows and rows of layer cake as roads,
i travel, amnesiac, to any land
which will offer me food and purpose.
"There you are!!!" they all say,
recognizing me before i do,
"You're the Ice Cream Mayor, our mortal enemy,
This is Cakesville, bitch!!! Die, traitor, die!!!"
those were the last words i heard, *THIS IS CAKESVILLE, BITCH* before being bludgeoned to death with yeast and frosting
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, TO ATTEND MY FUNERAL
CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT
Monday, February 13, 2012
1. Cupid is the god of desire, affection, and erotic love. as the myth goes, whoever gets shot by Cupid's arrow is filled with uncontrollable desire. whom would you like Cupid to shoot on your behalf? i keyed in on the word SHOOT...oh, but it's love arrows, not...okay, well, never mind, then
2. after dinner at the FUCK YOU restaurant, while feeling amorous, you crack open some fortune cookies. interpret:
a) "your patience will be rewarded": i'll finally gain something from all this typing
b) "try something new": it's time for me to live (can only try this once)
c) "tis better to give than receive": that's a sex joke, right?
3. what is your special Valentine's message? Valentine's Day is a fraud, so have sex on this day, that way you'll be sending the message of FUCK YOU to all the candy- and flower-sellers, and you will be FUCKING, which is always by itself a good thing. see, double-sided *fuck* twinship with the word there
4. doin' something special for Valentine's or just another day? if it was just another day, i'd be crying: sad face: :(, but on Valentine's, i'll be more whimsical about things: whimsical face: :D + :I
5. as you give chocolate to your sweetheart for Valentine's, you realize that the chocolate is in the shape of your?:
a) cock: 99.99999% of all men surveyed
b) Harry Potter Wand: .00001%
c) heart of everlasting love for you, my woman, my lady, my queen <-------only I said that, only i said that out of a million men who were surveyed, i'm a little different from the crowd
bonus: what is the message on your own personalized valentine heart candy? man, those things are good, huh? i swallow those things up like a vacuum every year. can't stand those yellow, gooey Peeps, though, the baby duck candy, those things are gross.
my message? simple: TWO LOVE <------better than ONE LOVE, huh? huh? yeah...
CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY
Saturday, February 11, 2012
FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, AND THEN LET'S TALK
i am as NEANDERTHAL as they come, but even I realize that eliminating 50% of your potential customers is a bad move, even looking at it as purely a business model if not for anything else, anything else like the humanistic aspect of it, the ONE LOVE aspect of it.
folks, THESE are the pressing issues of our times, these are the great moral dilemmas we must discuss as a race if we are to survive...wait, do we want to survive? deep down, do we really? okay, well i'm just gonna assume that as an underlying motivator for us in the blogosphere, still hazy on that, though, but let's move on. folks, my babies, seriously, if WE don't tackle these issues, who will?
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
click on Joey's Day Off for #3 in the series
the next time i step onto an elevator
and listen to the MUZAK version of this song,
i remember that this is the brilliant piece of music
for which i wanted to long:
the memories i urge to recall,
the kisses from Madalyn and Grace,
and my pet kangaroo Joey,
who that one time chewed on my face.
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE, AND TRAVEL TO THE TOP FLOOR WITH ME
Joey, something's telling me it might be you, all of my life...it's you, Joey, it's you, big guy...now and forever, buddy <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT
Monday, February 6, 2012
1. a friend is coming over to have sex, there are 3 twin beds and an air mattress in the room. what do you do?
a) who needs a bed? land and fuck wherever
b) have sex on the single twin mattress
c) sex on the air mattress
d) or? your solution?
i'm ALWAYS the OR/OTHER/PATH LEAST TAKEN/ALTERNATIVE guy, i say a no-mattress orgy on the dirty kitchen floor, first to cum cleans up the floor. but actually, the mere fact that i HAVE friends and am HAVING sex in this scenario has blinded me immovable, i can't really think after that, nor make multiple-choice decisions...
2. what is the oddest thing in your bedroom? why is it there? a door. why? i know, right? i mean, it's not like i do something under the sheets in my bedroom chronically three times a day that i would be embarrassed about someone looking through the open door and seeing. yes, yes, okay, well, my door is in fact double-locked with a key only i have and have eaten, i swallowed the key so no one can get to it, triple-combination lock, only i know the combination: the combination code is my maid/lover's name
3. what are your favorite sheets?
c) t-shirt cotton (jersey)
i like to take a SHEET whenever the urge presents itself...what, too soon?
4. do you sleep with sheets tucked in or out? why? i tried to sleep once in a tucked-in cocoon, became a butterfly...so never got the chance to sleep tucked-out...on account that i'm now a butterfly...i fly around, don't need no stinkin' human bed
5. what is your usual bedtime and why?
b) 10-12 midnight
d) whenever my eyes close
i like to wait after midnight, then i get myself a snack, someone told me once that you shouldn't eat after midnight...something about Gremlins
6. do you sleep with bedroom or closet doors shut or open? reasons? see above, the Gremlins attacked, so i like to keep things open so i can see. the times when I MYSELF become a Gremlin, it's a moot point, so i can close doors, it doesn't matter anymore after that, for i become the monster that i'm afraid of
7. have you broken a bed or other furniture during sex? of course, i only engage in rough sex, there is no nice in me, i take all of my love-making cues from one R PATTZ in the Twilight Saga, you know when he fucks the shit out of Bella in that one scene and he breaks the bed in the process, all in the name of producing beautiful half-breeds...it's more a science thing than a sex pleasure thing
8. what's your favorite type of bed for sex? i rarely use a bed, i'm content with the dirt ground, but...well, if i'm a cool dude, i say WATERBED, if i'm a freak, i say LOVE SWING, if i'm a cool freak...ah, to be a cool freak...
9. what do you sleep in?
c) day clothes
i so want to say lingerie, but that wouldn't be truthful, and comedy is all about truth. honestly, it's my day clothes, i'm a grungey artist through and through, what can i say?
CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY
Saturday, February 4, 2012
it seems to be that time of year again, my babies, time to choose your winner. you remember the rules, right? predict the score between the NEW YORK GIANTS and the NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS who will play in a little contest i like to call the Super Bowl tomorrow night. the blog-game winner FIRST has to choose the correct winning team and THEN must be closest to the actual final score. see MY entry in the comments section as a guide. as always, i will treat the winner with a special one-on-one, specifically-tailored-to-your-brand-of-humor email from me, hopefully displaying my comedic writing genius, BUT only after i consume gallons and gallons of fizzy sodas and drinks, SEE BOTTOM PIC. i admit it, i have beer muscles, i wear keyboard goggles, i am full of liquid courage, i can't write well unless i have a few in me first. all i hope is that this turns into a better championship game than that ol' BCS stinker, that 21-0 debacle, memba that? worst championship game of all time, even Ancient Grecian times!!! HAVE AT IT, have fun, and i'll see you with the results sunday night/monday morning, if i'm still alive...
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
click on Coma Aurora for #2 in the series
coming out of it
coming out of it, coming out of it
coming out of it coming out of it coming out of it coming out of it coming out of it coming out of it coming out of it coming out of t coming out of it coming out of it coming out of it coming of out cit coming outr of it coming out of it coming out of it coming out of it coming cout of it coming out of it coming ocut ofg it coming out of it coming out og ict coming ocut of it coming cout o icty coming out of it coming cout of ity coming out of it
COMING OUT OF IT, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE
CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT