Monday, December 30, 2013


1. did you make New Year's Resolutions last year? yes, the only one i made was to never make New Year's Resolutions again.

which ones did you keep? i kept that one, but when you logically think about it, by keeping the resolution to not make resolutions, i kept it and broke it at the same time, so now i exist in the negative zone between this world and the next, in a kind of real-life eternal time-loop painting that Escher would be proud of, trying to make my way past the space-time continuum through that Doctor Who Crack.

are you the better for it? i'm the impossible for it...

2. what was your favorite list of TMIT questions in this year 2013? i'd be an asshole if i chose my questions, huh?

3. what sexy/sexual things do you hope to experience in 2014? toys/ acts/ people/ events/ etc.: wait, so that's not the cereal thing, right? i always get confused about that.

1) find soul mate
2) have sex with soul mate
3) get kinky with soul mate
4) marry soul mate
5) start joint venture with soul mate:

4. this time of year is filled with best-of lists and top lists. let's make a list. what were your top three best sexual experiences in 2013?:

i know, right? from ESPN to all the morning shows, EVERYBODY does those bloody lists, they hurt my brain. i stick around for the worst-of ones 'cause they're at least fun, finding out for the billionth time whether or not Paula Deen will make a comeback...

1) Mandy from Kinko's
2) Sandra from Circuit City---notice how the first two are from businesses that are now defunct or renamed or otherwise swallowed up and conglomerated, story of my life
3) Dooneese from Saturday Night Live, look her up if you don't know her, she's a babe!

5. what are your hopes and dreams for 2014? that i can wean myself off of the computer and online living in general, get out more, actually go outside and experience the rays of the sun, not just have the sun as my screensaver, get myself out there, go on auditions again, get added to an acting repertoire, work my way up the ladder acting until i have enough street cred and seniority to write my own play that my fellow troupe members will happily act in 'cause my lines are all genius---talk about the real drama---and then go on from there through the deep, complicated, obscure indie films to the Hollywood blockbusters 'til i become the next Johnny Depp.

this may not i'd settle for a nice girlfriend and a few more followers on my ghost town of a youtube channel, a few less tumbleweeds, baby steps.

bonus: in the cumming year, let us all resolve to visit, read, and comment on at least two TMIT posts a week so that we can help strengthen the community of our fellow TMITers and their blogs. i feel ya, comments are currency in Blog Land, they're like Monopoly money, Disneyland money, except they are real dollars...wait, Disneyland money is real, right?



Saturday, December 28, 2013

Wednesday, December 25, 2013



click above to end the ceremony, the Triforce of Power is complete, Ganon is resurrected, darkness rises, and evil wins.

               "is it Christmas Day already? i was so distracted i forgot all about days and schedules and calendars. one moment was

                 i jumped, i actually jumped

                i made my way to the tree shimmering dimly in the center of a huge snow mound at the center of the peak, a ready-made altar of elements as if destiny had foreseen my visit, which it had, the wisps made certain. i wish i had time to paint it or at least shoot it for my blog. in the distance, faint but that faint that really isn't faint because it's more like strong but distant, THIS SONG, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, piped through the mall's loudspeakers as i prepared to pipe my way through to the real video game of 8-bit imagination made knowable through the other side of the screen. the silver bells do not toll for you, they toll for me.

                  the branch jutting out was just like how they said and how i imagined it, my imagination was suddenly in tune to crisp reality,

i was transforming

two brown sugar pimples, one at the back of my neck, one on my back, i picked at them, hurt, felt like hard bark, felt like they had been there awhile unnoticed, growing, growing into me, too many Christmas brownies

 it was strong, big, long, it shot out from its side majestically, proudly, announcing its presence to anyone who dared approach it. and yet it was humble, it was noticeable, but not noticeable if you let a snow drift avert your eyes for a second, a moment, an instance, it was like me, never noticed, yet strong. i took the rope, dragged it to the branch, tied it forcefully into a knot into the branch, tight as could be, made sure it was taut, it wouldn't break, it would hold the weight, the weight of the world.

                  i jumped



                 did it

                 the other knot of the rope was already attached to a loop in the silver canister. with ironic letters i painted in black: TIME CAPSULE, then erased TIME and wrote LIFE. on the other side i wrote WHAT DOTH LIFE? with my brush, couldn't resist. the capsule was empty, hanging from its bottom upside-down perpendicular to the icy ground, swaying back on forth on its branch axis, forever at the mercy of the wind. the wind blows us all.

                  no time to admire my work, the solo painter with his creation alone that no one would see, that he wouldn't see anyone see, 1 view today, 356 views later on, i climbed the tree, hugged the stout base of the tree, the immovable trunk, back to my Green roots, back to my green roots, and back to the blissful ignorance of youth, a kid at heart climbing a tree, is there anything more magical, more there, more life? a kid at heart, a kid with heart, with heart i climb up to my place, to where i belong.

                     wind still blowing, snow flying at a diagonal, music as the perfect background, i shield my eyes and swallow a huge glance of the wide-open landscape. i was on top of the tree, my left foot balanced myself on the branch. beautiful. beautiful.

                     i jumped

              all of my memories lead up to this, they all swirl now into a circle, circle of the computer not working, bright rainbow against the backdrop of white.

all of my instances collect into instant instance

                single consciousness into group consciousness, not groupthink. every single moment collected into this single instance which will live as this instance for all of time and beyond. centering myself to close my eyes so i can see the circle at the center of everything, that circle that everybody tries to get to, tries to travel to there, to the circle, to the dead center of it, there, you see? the circle, that point, that fixed point in which everything else, everything else is the side panel all converging to the circle at the center of it, the center of the world, the center of the universe, the center god of gods, the place where it all springs from, where the switch is located, the switch that turns on the hologram that is our universe, but what of turning the switch off? turning the switch to the side. i jumped

                below me was the branch, my other foot was on the lip of the hole at the top of the tree, the black hole which led to where too dark to know. i jumped, i could see the ground or was it the sky? too much snow to know, i saw the bottom which was the top which was me upside down after i jumped, i saw the hole, the hole into the black hole which led to the next black hole which traveled me to the end of the black hole and into the center circle, the switch.

                      i jumped, i actually jumped this time. the wisps smile sighs of relief. no more thinking about action, action. action into reaction. all my thoughts disappear into action, into a new vista where new thinking can now go on forever as i make sense of my new destiny, as i transition from human to switch operator to new-found powers to the materialization of my video-game imagination, i jumped


                  I BECOME THE TREE





Monday, December 23, 2013


1. what religion or faith do you belong to if any? the organized religion of goth atheism

2. what is your opinion of Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays? the War On Christmas started when Luke Skywalker accidentally turned on his lightsaber in a dark empty warehouse where he didn't belong...

3. how do you feel about holiday music on the radio? did that newest Apple ad make you cry? if not, you're not human. "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" gets me dusty every time.

4. when do you start decorating? December 26

5. white lights or multi-colored? oh my babies, i'm all about the multi-, nawmean?

6. gift cards, cash, or actually shopped for presents? my aunt was trampled to death on Black Friday. that didn't happen, but it sounds like something that could have happened...

7. Christmas cards or family update letters? OMG, i hate those family update letters, they are so smarmy and conceited. yes, of course you and your family had the best year ever, no problems at all, you are the perfect family and it's only uphill from here. all those smiles in the group photo are fake and you know it.

well, there is one i yearn to get each year that softens my heart, the one from a family in Australia, the family of the boy who was my best friend in kindergarten before he had to leave, he was everyone's bff in K and the entire class wept miserably on his last's good to hear about his progress in life, he's met a babe and is getting married, i'm happy for him, truly. i pain. i ache. i want the truth. i can't handle the truth.

8. fill in the blank: snow is_______: edible when yellow

9. have you been a good little boy or girl this year? no and i deserve a spanking.

10. favorite old/traditional holiday movie? post-1975 contemporary holiday movie? Family Guy teaches us that A Christmas Story was racist. and then when i found out about A Christmas Story 2, i cried tears that stuck my eyelids frozen to the flagpole.

Christmas Sex bonuses:

what have you done under the mistletoe? drink my own egg nog

have you caught Mommy/Daddy kissing Santa Claus? what happened next? Dad just fuckin' pounded Santa right in the nose, dude got a red nose this time not just from being from the cold North Pole, looked like Rudolph with his cheatin' ass. the divorce was painful and destroyed all our lives forever...

have you had sex in a Santa suit? it's time to Deck Your Halls...

have you had sex with Santa? anal with him was nice and smooth because he's a bowl full of KY Jelly.

just how merry have you made Santa's helpers? i helped them all escape from the slave labor camp otherwise known as "Santa's Workshop." besides, no kid wants a handmade wooden train anymore, just buy the brat an Xbox One/PS4/Business Professional Barbie/virtual train online.

in all the commotion of the breakout, though, Rudolph didn't make it :(




Friday, December 20, 2013

Wednesday, December 18, 2013



click above for 3 of 4. what does it mean that it's red, though? thanks to Anonymous for the song direct.

when did trolling get stale? Fleetwood Mac always makes me cry.

            my motorcycle had just enough juice to get over a nasty rock before going kaput. i was able to awkwardly clear up into the lip of the ridge, the top of the cliff, but a whiteout blanketed my view. it was the town in the distance there, i felt it in my cold bones, but i couldn't see it, it was coming down hard. the thing about whiteouts is they seem like they're never going to end...but they do, they lessen anyway, you just have to wait for it to lessen, and you can sneak an opening for view. the key is to wait, you just have to wait.

              town, city, village, whatever this was, it would have to do, it would have to be the last place. by the time i thought about tethering my bike to somewhere, a tree or something, the damn thing was already lost in a pile of the wet white, no idea where it was now, no time to dig it out. luckily i had removed my vitals from it beforehand.

              slow but sure wins the race, but we all lose the game. slowly i trudged along past the ridge down into the valley of the town, carrying my load. i might have disappeared along the way, no one could see me, and i couldn't see anything save a mass of angelic white welcoming me to winter. time was lost here, a second became five minutes, there was no sense of direction, i just hoped i was inching by and i would near the edge of town by night? well, i just wanted to make it.

               some time later after eating something i don't remember to keep my strength, i reached town. mall lights were trying their best to pierce through the white sheet, they were dull, but they were there, i saw them. through small patches of breathing room i could see the mall all decked out with garlands, spruce, bells, and giant candy canes. i could even hear faintly in the distance kids talking about their expectations for their big gifts come the big day, of course all the kids had been good this year. Santa Claus still existed inbetween the drafts of snow in the beautiful nothing conversations of youth which meant everything. imagination was not dead here if you took the time to get past the cacophony of the world and really listen to life pure. the debate raged on: Xbox One vs PS4. Cartman admonished Butters. passe ugly-sweater parties. hot chocolate vs. hot cocoa. angels spoke. excitement was in the air despite everything that had happened. the parents spoke about Snowden, which i found amusing.

                i was not meant for this kind of communal life, to live in towns, i was made for a solitary course, the wisps were guiding me, they told me i needed to sacrifice everything in order to live the life i wanted, that destiny was a dirty word because few knew what it really meant to follow one's destiny to the utter limit. i turned away, my business was not with their business, it would never be again. i even thought about visiting Karen, but...nah, what's the point? heh, that woman passionately speaking about the NSA through her pumpkin-spice latte reminded me of my Aunt SARA, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK and her passion, a passion which ultimately cost her her life. would i see her again? would i see her ever again through this?

              as i left the activity of creation to the stark reality of creation, i knew how God felt to be an eternal Observer, to witness, but never to participate, to see and hear atop an isolated mountaintop, to travel alone in a single-file line to the end without any acknowledgment. they speak about you, they think about you, but it's not the real you they are imagining, only you are here now along this path, only you know what this means, no one sees your destiny through the blizzard.



                  ever so slowly, i reached, reached, reached to the top until the ground became level against my feet again. getting more comfortable. with this. i looked straight. nothing. white. the pixies guided my eyes. i looked slightly up, and i saw it.



Monday, December 16, 2013


1. if there is one saying you'd put on a T shirt, would would it be? LIFE CANNOT BE REDUCED TO A BUMPER STICKER...EXCEPT FOR WHAT I JUST DID THERE RIGHT NOW

2. if you were a vibrator, what speed would you be? the slowest possible, i'm more depressed than ever lately. my doctor says it's just holiday blues, but my doctor is a vet...

3. if you were a vibrator, which description best fits you?: small but mighty/ passion prober, gentle, easy, eventually gets you there/ big, rugged, pulsating/ jumping gyrator, feel it everywhere, you may go numb: i call dibs on Passion Prober for my next band name. but seriously, folks, i'm the best, i'm the greatest lover who has ever lived, come by my apart-, uh, house this Christmas and i'll show you, i'll spead my holiday cheer to all the women who have been naughty this year, my egg nog tastes the best, cum over and see...and peace of ass and good will toward my man stick.

4. you must give up a sex/kink act for the rest of your life. which one? was this decision hard or easy? how cum?: giving oral/ giving or receiving spanks/ oral on the ol' genitals/ nipple play (suck, fondle, lick, kiss, and the other one)/ french kiss aka soul kiss: kink act, i like that. soul kiss, i LOVE that! Olivia Newton-John is my soul mother! this decision was hard...that one was too easy.

5. in 10 words or less tell us about your most recent sexual encounter: turn on computer, wait for it to warm up, PORN.

bonus: Festivus is an awesome holiday. the main tenet of this tradition is to "air your grievances". what is your #1 grievance this year? that i didn't become a youtube celebrity, that there simply aren't enough followers on my youtube channel to get any traction at all and uploading more vids to it would be pointless, that all of my blood, sweat, and tears can't just add up to 4 views, no likes, 1 dislike, and no comments---can it?---that i'm giving up youtube and giving up my entire online life...that i will return to the computer tomorrow because i'm bored out of my skull <----that is the main internal eternal grievance i will wrestle with forever...

you know how TV Guide likes to exaggerate, but when they named Seinfeld as The Best Show Of All Time, well, they got one right.



Wednesday, December 11, 2013



click above on the Twilight Zone episode "The Lonely" for 2 of 4. hmmm, this all seems strangely familiar...

                     the roads were all clear, hardly a car on them, i thought to myself as i was confronted by the four of them. i just kept thinking how this entire December people weren't around, they were just...not here, somewhere else, shopping, doing things, not online, the blogs were as abandoned as the highway. it's a December thing i suppose, an end-of-the-year thing, people stop their daily routine to hide in their caves and reflect. just wish they would invite me into their caves, i'm for the few folks here trying to save me.

                        as they began the intervention, i didn't listen to a word each of them had to say, not out of disrespect, for i'm sure their speeches were imbued with honor and dignity and with the urgency that this matter called for, we were talking about the rest of my life here. no, instead i looked into each speaker's eyes and delved into a haze, a trance not noticeable to them for i didn't want to be found out, but this was my little cave of thought, i silently gazed at their faces and reminisced how each one was special to me. i wasn't always a loner, no, no, i've had a great life, i had people in my corner, i had a magical childhood, but still, things turned out like this. it wasn't any of their faults, though a teenage me thought otherwise. the adult thing to do is simply to know it was my fault all along, accept who i am, and realize that my life has turned out thusly and i am making a final decision accordingly. is it even my fault though? these philosophical quandries are fun to dissect because there will never be a satisfactory answer. no, better just to remain poetic, say it is "of the stars" and move on. it's nobody's fault, it's just life. besides, thinking, ponderously analyzing, never got me anywhere. thought trembles. action moves.

                       by the time we got to my mother, i couldn't look, because it was my mother, the concept of her was so loaded for me that it was better just to give her a blind hug and talk about the bitterly-cold weather than to venture much further into what she meant to me and what i meant to her. it was better unspoken, for the minute the words required for such a statement are spoken, they suicide themselves from too much meaning inside them, they explode on the spot. i loved her, she loved me, i live because of her, i give my life to her, i live in her eternal memory, her heart forever, i GIVE IT ALL BACK TO HER, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK when we all start again.

                       i thanked them all, hid a tear from them, then decided, wait, what the fuck am i doing? this isn't the usual racecourse of things, why not show them me crying for the last time, why not make this my last act in front of them, this will express how i feel about them more effectively than any rushed email or awkward phone call could. so, i stood there, spilled some standard patter about how much i appreciated everything they had done for me, and that i really truly truly took their hard advice to heart. my crying was necessary two-fold: first, to show rather than to say with words as empty as air, but also as a tacit response to their intervention which was molded long before they had time to come up with their speeches: no matter what they said, this was still happening. i think they knew this, this procedure was just that, a process, an act, a play put on just 'cause that's what families do, you could see it in their faces as they looked at my face softened into a mini smile of acceptance: i love you all, but i have to say goodbye now.

                   i lugged the silver canister with a sturdy rope onto the back basket of my bike and scrambled into the night like a scared fox. it was just me they saw on the road, a dot getting smaller and smaller, turning into a speck, a dot with a white headlight and red backlight, it was pretty funny seeing the white/red light only speeding along the curvy road by the sea like a firefly...well, more like a lit-up ant awaiting its fate from a boot in the distance.

                   driving along the ocean, i took this as the perfect opportunity to do something i had always wanted to do but never had the guts...though it would have been stupid before since i had business and pleasure to tend to. i took out my black ipad mini from my satchel. this thing which held so much promise for years before, this device which was going to be my sex and love replacement...let me down and reaffirmed what i knew all along: it's hard, life is hard, love is hard, there is no quick fix to love, no shortcut to sex, no easy solutions through mental illness, you pay for all the sex you ever have, pleasure comes at a price, flesh friends are what's needed, online lovers are but wisps of air that don't really exist, if you want to lose all the weight, only traditional diet and exercise will work, not the latest fad diet pill You're Whole system. my experience with computer living started innocently enough: you're just another person, another cog amongst the millions online who have their own youtube channel and blog page, so how are little ol' you gonna stand out? by becoming a troll, not a mean troll, but a troll who comments on your stuff when you don't necessarily want him to comment, at least not in that way, the one whose comments feel aggressive and like you want to sweep this monster out of your computer house becuse he challenges you in some way, makes you think things you don't want to think about before you've even had breakfast. hopefully, for the both of you, you get past your foibles and personality defects and become talking "friends". but, inevitably, life gets in the way, and the person doesn't post anything for five months. lots can happen in five months: weddings, funerals. by the time she comes back, something has changed in the relationship, all the momentum has been let out of the balloon, it's still her, but you wonder if you should pursue things anymore. it feels to you that commenting again, responding to one of her scintillating blogspot posts or revolutionary youtube vids is too much work. if you did it, it would be as a troll again, interfering, sticking your nose into other people's business at the exact wrong time with an insensitive attempt at a joke. it's not friends bantering anymore, it's a job between coworkers, and you wonder if you were ever "friends" at all. what was the point of this five-year-long comment exchange? just to kill time? to keep your mind distracted from darker revelations about yourself bubbling to the surface trying to get out?

                  wisps, my darling, let the wisps guide you when you're alone at night sleeping, dreaming...

                   technology let me down. technology failed me.

                   i threw my ipad into the ocean.




Friday, December 6, 2013


at first, i was like, okay, this is cool, revolutionary even, this changes everything..................................................and then i thought about it, i thought about it some more, i really started to imagine all the scenarios and implications and applications...................and i got scared.


how does this make you feel?


Wednesday, December 4, 2013



click above on the lonely...."The Lonely" Twilight Zone episode for my chest again, it's the holidays, i'm lazy, sorry

                what i remember most about the snow was how it pelted you on the way sideways, the driving force which carried it, fueled by an angry beast down below the rubble, turning the pristine white into rocks of coarse pain. the weather didn't reflect my mood, i controlled the weather, perception is reality and i controlled the weather, my fear pierced through the staid sky and was creating these unmanageable winds.

                 i got on my motorcycle and BOUNDED AWAY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK. i had always wanted to do this, i thought about all the permutations in my head of how i was going to do this, and then y'know how one day it just happens, the day comes slinkily to your mind's doorstep and the time for thinking is done. you're never done thinking, it's just that your body moves today. it's never the right time, never the right situation, never want to be leaving behind friends, but your body moves onto the seat and you speed off without a map.

                i made sure to leave at 2AM so i'd have the straight long road all to myself, not for poetic purposes, although it painted quite the beautiful scene, but because i actually had things to do for the first time in twenty years, i had to find things, store things, put things into boxes, make sure all my affairs were in order, i never had an affair, that was the problem.

                 looking at my book, not my manual, there is no such thing as a manual, but my dimestore-psychology book, it says the first thing to do is to make sure the people around you are happy and healthy and comforted and know and are accounted for and thanked with gifts. i'm poor, always have been, that was another problem, so my "gifts" will be my belongings.

                   it was hard to tell, but as i sped away on my bike, i felt a small tear form and race away from my cheek. this is significant because it means i'm still human despite everything i've gone through which hardened me into a dull, soulless robot. then again, it could have just been the wind. but what will i be after?

                   i feel i have to do this. i want to do this, i've dreamed about this, i wanted so badly for this to be my destiny that my blood turned blue. i don't understand this. i desperately cling to this. i don't want to do this. i don't understand it. i want to understand it deeply. my cells are begging me for a change, they want another frame of reference, they want to look up from another perspective.

                     i reached there about lunchtime or so, made good time. they were all there, all gathered there like a drum circle ready for the intervention. but this wouldn't be an intervention, not one that would work anyway, this would be a conversation.




Monday, December 2, 2013


1. what was the last thing you hid? why? my shame. bloggers don't have the best reputations, y'know? especially in this economy...

2. what was the last lie you told? why did you tell it? i take lies seriously, i don't joke about them, there are no white lies, just lies which snowball into bigger and bigger lies which destroy lives, end destined relationships, lose lifelong friends, shatter career trajectories, and create more loneliness. happy holidays, everyone.

3. what do you listen to when you workout? either NIN or monk chants. the only workout my body ever gets is when i fuck. when i cum, i actually lose nutrients so i have to drink a milkshake to replenish. i drink a milkshake in order for me to make a milkshake. i drink your eggnog milkshake...

4. what is your favorite type of exercise? sleeping and eating, burns the pounds right off.

5. are you a morning person or a night owl? when i still had something to live for, i was the consummate night owl college-student planning my next novel thinking about my next move with Jessica type go-getter. now i'm a nothing newt, i don't care either way. i mean, i wake up in the morning simply to do TMIT...

6. if you have problems falling asleep what tips/tricks do you use to induce/trick your brain to sleep? oh, a little of this, a little of that, a little porn, a little chamomile tea...

bonus: in Murica we just finished with Thanksgiving. tell us your best and worst Thanksgiving memory:

best: i ate the bird.
worst: i gave the bird.



Friday, November 29, 2013



as the messageboards intoned: sure, he was a douche, but he was OUR douche.

let's just hope those flux capacitors get found soon, the time machine is built anew, and the status quo is restored.

Vinny sucks.