Wednesday, September 29, 2021



Lance Lear: the recipe is very simple, Floyd Landis.
Floyd Landis, crying: why did you pick me off the street with a garbage-truck claw? why didn't you leave me there to die!
Lance: cos i liked you. you had a name similar to mine, i liked saying it. you realize without me you're nothing, right? a blank baseball card in a spoke. i'm your landing spot, you're my bitch for life.
Floyd, hangdog: yes.
Lance: i mean look at you, you're so skinny 4 of you would be my bicep.
Floyd: but i did it clean, man.
Lance: don't make me bitchslap your mouth again. open that mouth up, stick your tongue out, i'm placing 4 Froot Loops on your wet pink snake, 1 of each color.
Lance: now the croissant recipe calls for flour.
Floyd looks at Lance with tears in his eyes.
Lance: THAT kind of flour...

Lovato: did you get the Kagome bicycle seat with the spywire in the seat that buzzes your butt?
Floyd: no, that's a rare item. why do you want this? the Kagome voice actress says anime is trash.
Hampshire: did you get the wheel with all the Hollywood agent numbers on it?  
Floyd: the witch wasn't home, she was huffing her own mushroom house. maybe get a bicycle wheel instead and take up sports?
Floch: did you get the stretchy stuff for dad?
Floyd: look man, i don't appreciate you girls coming into my room early morning to stretch out my naked body until i form two Floyd Landii. i don't like sex rough like that, i just wanted to race to help my mother and avoid business school.
daughters: okay we'll kiss your toes first.
Floyd: no i meant i'm asexual.
Floch: i meant the paste.

Genoa Candy Dance: where you'll find the last original printing of the Candy Land board game, with the rare cement-boots gamepiece. 

chocolate neck: what those Hershey kisses are really for at Halloween

Mardith: what are you doing, Dirg?
Dirg: trying to get Instagram bots to love me. what am i to you? i'm either a blessing or a lesson.
Mardith: lesson. definitely a lesson.
Dirg: can you say "good morning, beautiful" to a chick who's taken?
Mardith: spoken-for is a woman's loudest voice.

crones: we just gotta survive.........forever.
Dirg: i could never work in customer service, i hate people too much.

Doryce: so the new slushes at Sonic uncork your vagina?

Mardith, Madame Pons, Eye Luggage, and the crones: when we watch Diary of a Future President a tear comes to our collective eye.
Hilary Clinton: i cry for a different reason.

by the lake's lighthouse.
Robert Pattinson: hey! lantern jaw is not a machismo thing! it hurts like hell!
Dirg: okay.
John Kerry: it's not a caveman thing.
Geico Caveman: i needed an operation to smile again. 
lantern fish: do you know what it's like when you can't sleep at night?

Doryce: don't use TOO much olive oil, i got drunk off olive oil. that stuff stings the back of your throat.
Gladyce: you once got drunk off sparking mineral water, dear.

Tracy J Butler: i know nothing of weather. except when Prohibition ended and the booze flowed from the sky. i voted for Obama. the funny thing is, i'm not a furry. but people are boring, cats are more colorful characters.
Mlem and Blep: we will protect you from the con mobs. we cat familiars take on many clients concurrently during our lifetimes.

Gladyce: why do you collect so many glass shot glasses from theme parks, dear?
Doryce: that's where i put my pills to count them for the day.

Pan at the Library of Congress: you hacked my private Instagram photos! of my bare butt in the woods! those are MINE not YOURS! the pics date back to 1900...
Library: back then there weren't as many mobs...

silver maple: Mlem and Blep know this is where the babiest cat lives.
Silver Sable: a silver ring is a girl's best friend. 

English: i'm English. i play golf for the Ryder Cup.
Rory McIlroy: for us? for Europe?
English: no for the Americans. the course is playing schauffele i mean softly.

Madame Pons: everything always happens at 2:30PM.

Biden: after 4 years of noise i need 4 years of quiet.
Billy Corgan: ...

Olivia Benson: hi it's me at the Laver Cup. thought you got rid of me now that you don't watch SVU anymore? you'll never get rid of me. i really don't venture outside of New York, especially to go to Boston. 
Roger Federer: loving your son's hat.
Nadal: why is Mariska worth $100 million, the show's not that good.
tv: it's all about the power of me, i'm a little tiny cute box of power.

Dr Greg Postel drinks a clear-glass bottle of pumpkin-spice vodka on the set of The Weather Channel.

the La Brea tv show: we're Lost but hosted by Sasha Grey.

Dirg: why does nobody work anymore?
Laertus: it's too hard.

Emilia: wanna see my new comic book i wrote and drew M.O.M.: Mother of Madness?
Seth MacFarlane: ohhhhh so THAT's why you dated me.
Carmelo Anthony: i'm a Thronie.........actually i'm just a fan of Emilia's tits.

Dirg: when i see a skinny 30-year-old who still lives at home in a gray J Crew shirt and crewcut haircut reviewing Red Baron Super Slice Pizza, i see the future, i see the end of men.
Takahashi: i mean at least review the pepperoni one, not the four cheese one.
Dirg: does anything in Oakland have a vibe?
Takahashi: if i worked at an Oakland McDonalds, i would INSIST it NEVER be open 24 hours, ESPECIALLY the drivethru.

plumbago: i did it in the greenhouse with the caliper.

Next time on Dragon Ball Z:.........we meet author Wu Cheng'en...

Dirg: it's weird cos as Eileen on Regular Show you were cute cuddly and adorable but as Kez the concierge bell you're grating exhausting and annoying as fuck.
Minty Lewis: same voice.

Ben Roethlisberger: i'm a Just For Men model now.

Billy Corgan: what rhymes with covid?

Madame Pons: i'll admit, the dirty hippie hard orange block of soap from Whole Foods is good. but i'd like to think ours is better. 
Dirg: best place to meet women, Whole Foods on a Saturday morning, 9AM.
Mardith: the one thing i like about the Del Monte Center...
Eye Luggage: Hot Topic?
Mardith: no, the sofas outside.
Madame Pons: i've worked at a high-end classy restaurant at the mall. the thing is, you're still working at the mall.
Laertus: i love the electric-charging stations for your car there. or carriage.
Marco Pantani: there's a banner of me at the Del Monte Center that flutters in the wind. under it is the word


Doryce: i'd rather be busy than bored, i keep distracted. otherwise i'm staring at an egg all day...

Zoe Roller: before the drought gets us all, help the Native Americans first for fuck sake! i was in that pirate play at Berkeley with Jen, Scott Trimble, and Pat, in the troupe. yes i'm playing Megan Rapinoe in the movie.

Nada Tawfik: my husband's a way better singer than R Kelly. as a maiden i heard Trent Reznor perform for my family in our living room with carpets on the ceilings, we had the hippest place in the country pre-Revolution. it's not volleyball unless you play for UCLA. i don't care what no one says, Jared Gosling will always be my Rams teddy bear.

Dirg: it's too hot to porn.

Laertus: why is it if you're a horror movie fan you're automatically a Republican?

Pete Davidson: i was blessed to get the part on The Suicide Squad cos for the first time in my life i had normal eyes.
Rick: we couldn't secure the rights to Bugs Bunny...

Steve Dildarian: that animation quote of mine, when i say how much i hate inbetweeners, i wasn't being funny, i was being serious. i am a dildo.

Eye Luggage: why do all the alt-right radio hosts have bug eyes?
Dirg: they're crazy cos they know the truth but no one will believe them.

James Woods: ...
Laertus: how can you do Ghosts of Mississippi and still be the way you are?

James Bond: spoilers, i get shot and killed at the end of No Time To Die, which is ironic. 
Phoebe Waller-Bridge: you'd puff out your chest too down the red carpet if you'd just written a Hollywood film!

bum: got a dollar?
Dirg: my man, why are you panhandling in Obec? how did you get here?

crones at Subway:
Gladyce: dear which is the bigger sandwich?
Doryce: not the bigger one, the bigger one has more bread, the smaller one has more meat.
Tom Brady: ...
Andy Murray: i eat bread. everyone thinks i'm 50 but i'm 30.

Mrs. Butterworth and Mrs. Dash playing Clue as themselves.
Mrs. Butterworth: Mrs. Dash is salt-free?!!! what's the fucking point then?!!!
Mrs. Dash: shut up! you only get sex cos you're made of maple syrup and can be used as a dildo! you're an ugly woman otherwise!!

Zuly from Bruno's: it's not a real tamale unless it comes in a paper tray of red-and-white-checkered picnic tablecloth.

Generac: we are HUGE in Texas

Linda Evangelista: CoolSculpting should take me seriously. i'm not just another model. i got DEEP pockets.

brown cows walking downtown Obec: do not go to Grasing's. it's a trick. besides the meat there is tough. go instead to Kim Weston Photography. she made us feel pretty again after our udder surgery. we felt comfortable being nude in public for the first time.
Kim Kardashian West: ...
Eye Luggage: i did mine there, too. black and white. i was nude completely draped over a clay oven. 
Laertus: hot.
Dirg: the poor get their steak well-done, the rich get their steak medium-rare.
crones: when we hug we smell of old money.

Felicia Combs at The Weather Channel: wait why do i have to wear heels when Goody Paul gets to wear Vans skateboard shoes?

Dr Vacc: Palm Springs will be unlivable and uninhabitable in ten years...

Ham Castle: we convicted OJ Simpson the first time.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt: i play Camus.

on the pirate ship:
Fena: did you see that extraordinarily-animated scene of the ginger bitch's pirate ship completely disintegrating itself into a mountain ball of a billion sharp pointy woodchip shards in a hail of nuclear missiles and red yellow orange purple and black and white fire on the water? 
O'Malley with spyglass: don't be so sure i'm in Davida Jones's locker. ghosts live. the Rumble Rose got its name cos wrestlers and prostitutes die hard.
Bugs Bunny: that mast with crow's nest was sliced into a carrot and cabbage!
Fena: our animators copied frame-by-frame shot-by-shot the scene in Pirates of the Caribbean with the Endeavor being destroyed bit by bit into bits square panel-by-square panel for 30 minutes.
Jennifer Pizarro: girl we gotta talk. men don't commit evil atrocities cos girls are pretty. you don't cast a spell on a man that traps him and relieves him of all moral and just responsibility just cos you're hot. you can't help it if you're irresistible.
crones: tell it like it is, my bitch.
Fena: i know. but in my case i really am a witch. plus i'm French.
Pat: imagine if your name was Clarissa Trujillo.
Jen: think about it tho, you look me up on Instagram, and you see five crushing photos: my wedding photo, my labor-ward photo, me in Paris doing research for Casablanca 2: The Prequel, my kid's first day of college, and my grandson hitting a lacrosse ball like a baseball. those pics would break you.
Pat: tis true. and there wouldn't even be an older-woman bikini pic or a video of your bare foot's toes rolling over the lacrosse ball slowly.

Michael Phelps: Keller? i barely know her. just kidding. he should have come to me for therapy. strange fellow, he swam in soccer cleats. we did a swim meet at Washington DC where the lanes were divided by barbed wire.

David Bowie: Lightyear isn't Toy Story 5. I am Toy Story 5. i birthed ALL the ewoks and ALL the munchkins.

Madame Pons: i can't go on vacation! i'll lose all the Instagram friends-and-contacts momentum i've built up!
Mardith: yeah but someone's gotta mind the store.
Madame Pons: you can do that, dear! of all the new Downy Infusions soap bars i carved by hand myself with my Rambo knife the only one i will make into a candle is Romantic.
Edgar Allan Poe: ...
Edgar Allan Poe: i like the Rambo aesthetic tho, very black.
Mardith: got the dip? both meanings. 

Mlem and Blep: the only people who are truly apolitical are animals.
Hitler's dog: nah, i hated him.

Jim Cantore: i'm doing color commentary for the Women's Road Race bicycling at the London Olympics cos i rode my bike to work at the Weather Channel set once on a rainy day.

Princess Jasmine: don't blame me! i was wearing my mask!

Doris Wishman: i'm Betty White but even filthier.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Maureen Teefy: the Fame song is famous.
Debbie Allen: that's my line, white bitch.

Eye Luggage: Amelie and go.
Emilia: so close. my code name when i spy in the French Kingdom is Amelie.
Amelie: yeah but you're not a better spy than me. i don't need armored horses and covered lances. i'm The Fixer. but The French Fixer, i'm not in the mob. and contrary to popular belief i don't have any tats.

Amelie: do NOT call me the modern-day Audrey Hepburn! if you print that one more time i'll stick this floured baguette down your throat and make you swallow it whole in front of me.

Don Quixote: HELLO! BONJOUR! copyright infringement much? 
Amelie: we got around it by making two of you.

Nino Quincampoix: i don't know why i wasn't more successful in politics, my name goes well on posters.
Amelie: your name is more the name of a soccer team.

Andre Dussollier: this film is NOTHING without me! after this ALL narrators were pronouncing words the way i did, from Anthony Hopkins to Orson Welles to Unicron.

Rufus: i'm so cool i have one name, which is RARE in France. not even Belmondo had one name! the only thing is i get called for autographs cos they think i'm RuPaul.

Dufayel: the exact opposite of a doofus. i'm scared of water.

Lorella Cravotta: i invented crayons. sidewalk chalk was used to outline my body.

Gina: hello, Pat.

Isabelle Nanty: don't be a nancyboy, don't be a ninny, i can quit smoking if i want. my hypochondria has nothing to do with being a tobaccoist. i cough at everything and this was BEFORE covid. tobacco, bronchial, bronchitis, laryngitis, it's all connected in a conspiracy.

Dominique Pinon: i'm not a clown, i wrote this script, that's why i have such a jaded look on my face, all the twists and turns of the script i knew about beforehand. got a call from Trent Reznor saying he reluctantly got me tickets to the Maury show and was willing to fly me over on his steamboat.

Collignon: this is what happens when you rule the college football world for 12 years with a national championship but no playoff. this is how the arrogance welled up in me.

Jamel Debbouze: you can't use the R word anymore. let's just say i'm "simple". i'm made of clay. i drink a lot of booze to get by. my CHARACTER drinks the booze that is, i'm perfectly normal. in fact i'm a stud. i landed the woman the internet universally acknowledges as the most beautiful woman in the world who ever lived in all the lands.
Melissa Theuriau: can't a newscaster go to the beach, too? i went there not to splash not to make a splash not for the Little Mermaid musical but for therapeutic reasons inside a heatvane cave.
Jamel: babe the paparazzi were just making sure you were a woman with tits and not an extremely handsome bishonen Japanese boy.  

Claude Perron: *drinking water* French porn, that's an oxymoron. 

Armelle: not Amelie. French peep shows just don't have the bristling writing of the British peep show.

Laertus: this film is the final film of the Old World. it's the film version of Macy Gray's "I Try". it came out one month before 9/11 when the world changed forever for the worse. you can feel the sense of innocence here, it's of another time and place, when people were more easy, casual, friendly, hopeful about finding love and the future. the biggest crisis facing the world back then was the Death of Diana. 

Dirg: there's only one word to describe this movie.........whimsical.
a daisy by the tower turret loses all of its petals.
Eye: this fine film was a slow burn. at first when it came out it was deemed provincial and boring. but slowly it caught the eye of James Bond who funded it with the full faith and credit of Her Majesty the Queen's money and an oil palette and scraper. and the rest was history.
Dirg: how much is Queenie worth?
Mariska Hargitay: not as much as me.

Dirg: i mean we have to talk abut this movie poster. look at that creepy face! Amelie's face is weird and it makes me uncomfortable. it's like she's trying to smile but can't quite contort her face to do it. she's got unnatural unhuman rubbery kewpiedoll lips. if that were a man's face she'd be a serial killer! a serial killer with a Beatles moptop. Shemp Stooge hair. holding that spoon just makes it worse! killer!
Amelie: nah, i look like anime in real life. 

Laertus: okay, now we're in it, the girl starts playing doctor on a fat 6-foot talking frog. now this isn't boring anymore. frogs were innocent back then, frogs were only a French thing.

Amelie: i didn't have a heart defect, i just loved too much, i loved too hard. you'd go crazy too if you saw right before your own kid eyes your own mother getting crushed to death by a jumping suicidal Canadian tourist, from the roof of a church no less.
Melissa Maker: wasn't me.

Amelie's father: please daughter, you look strange, like you're pretty but in a strange floor-model mannequin way. 
Amelie: i tried a boyfriend once but it didn't work out. he hopped out of my life. he was a rabbit named Peter. but i got a nice body, right, pere?
Amelie's father: yes. promise me you'll become a professional garden gnome, you got the look.

Eye: how does it feel when you dip your hand in the grain sack?
Amelie: like Sting's sutra.
Dirg: is it like a penis sack?
Amelie: creme brulee.........that's my pet name for my vagina.
Eye: i'm jealous, my cunt doesn't jiggle like that.

Princess Di: excuse me, miss, this is a hot set! we're testing nuclear-explosive landmines here!
Bjork: sorry, i thought this was the set of "Where Is The Line".
808 State: we would have been Depeche Mode if you hadn't been so pretty, Bjork! pretty but like weird pretty.
Bjork: all over my butt, watching Three's Company and playing with my yoyo.

Princess Di: i don't know about college but this dorm is fit!
Ski Bob: I Am Bob. see me do things. see me do tings. want me to do my Bill Clinton impression for you again? ski bob doesn't refer to my name, it refers to an action performed on my penis while the two of us are high up on a ski lift.

Dirg: a wall tile? that's boring. shoulda been a green book you tip that opens up to a secret stairwell in the den library stack.
Calvin Klein: ...

Dufayel: i'm a very pleasant man. i wear 3 winter overcoats and a ski mask cos i'm cold cos i'm old. you'd be quick to anger too if you lost a bone on your skeleton everytime you reached for a shot glass of orange juice.
Amelie: drink milk.
Dufayel: Renoir never drank milk! he USED milk to mix his paints! Renoir didn't have a pink or orange psychedelic neon fluorescent bulb! he had flour! i need an assistant named Nadal. you see the girl in this painting who's drinking water? she's the loner of the group, doesn't quite fit in, she's you.
Amelie: i thought i was the only one! i thought i was the only human being who was ever born on this planet who was afraid of water.
Dufayel: worry not, mademoiselle, date-rape drugs don't exist yet, drink water to your heart's content! it's healthy for you! maintains that youthful glow to your creepy face. want a crepe?

Michael Weiss in a Revolutionary beret: ah, the spyglass, what neighbors used before Instagram.
Amelie: that's what i used to see all 15 orgasms in the neighborhood. 
Dirg: speaking of faces, and O faces, there's no more humiliating thing a woman can do to a man than make that face Amelie does when the man is trying his best to thrust her with his bare back to get her to cum and it's not working and she makes a face like this is not worth it and all men are a joke.

Bretodeau: i'm a man with the name Dominique, i can either be a clown or leave the country. considering my dark skin...
Amelie: why didn't you connect with your estranged daughter?
Bretodeau: she's Meghan Markle. she wants nothing to do with me. it's not like she's Lear's daughters.  
Amelie: print rears its ugly head again. and your grandson?
Bretodeau: plus she started to eat bread again after Tom Brady did Brecht on stage. eating bread is a big no-no. my grandson is the next King Of England i mean France! England, France, same country. 

Amelie: on my days off from playing Mother Teresa i like to take in the cinema. i like everything but soccer movies. and propaganda films like that FIFA one. i notice things others miss, while everyone is staring at the screen watching the 15 orgasms i noticed the grasshopper in the back. i watch the AUDIENCE, not the movie. when will Rocky Horror come to Paris?  

blind man gets runs over.
blind man: it was worth it to touch your body.........all those curves and nooks and crannies!.........wait you're not Mrs. Butterworth!

Amelie: you can't be a shut-in, dad, you don't have the manga for it. you gotta get out and travel. i'll airmail you.
father: okay, but is there an envelope big enough for my body size?
garden gnomes: we were content sunbathing on Clint Eastwood's lawn. we never wanted to travel! we get airsick! we vomit rainbows!

Collignon: can you be gaslit if you're a man?
Ex President Bump: ...
Collignon: this simply will not do. i can't have shaving cream in my toothpaste, then i'll never brush my teeth! i can't have bad teeth like the British! i'm French!
Lucien: Bruno's is coming to Paris, only three rows of produce...

Amelie: hi, you're creepy.
Nino: pardon moi? but i look like Emmanuel Macron.
Amelie: i mean you sleep at the train station in hopes of collecting discarded corner-bitten passport-booth photos. isn't that the letters serial killers use to paste their ransom demands on their letters?
Nino: i'm handsome so i'm quirky instead. i used to be Ms. Krause's kept boy, i thought i was on easy street the rest of my life but she died.
Amelie: okay but drop that scissors you're holding. i'll drop my spoon.

Amelie: is this your photo album?
Nino: is it green?
Amelie: it says Hogwarts.
Nino: keep it.

Dirg: why'd you fall apart into a puddle of water? you're not pretty enough to be an X-Men!
Amelie: no, that was me confronting my own insecurities and the fact that the helper couldn't help herself. i was drowning in truth.

Eye: now see, the papers got it all wrong, the cat-and-mouse game between Amelie and Nino through the cobblestone cul-de-sacs of Paris was voted as one of the greatest love races in cinema history.
Dirg: more like boatrace.
Eye: but they missed the bigger scene:


my Goddess that kiss! that kiss between Amelie and Nino, the long drawn-out one with the closed eyes and no dialogue, is THE sexiest hottest most beautiful romantic kiss in cinematic history!!! sensual, warm, loving, the commitment, the care, the tenderness, it's all there!

Mlem and Blep: Amelie is pretty, okay? she's not mousy. we know mice. she doesn't look like a man, Dirg.
Takahashi: whoa, very Speed Racer with the imagination bubbles up top there.
Mlem and Blep: OKAY THAT IS UNFAIR!!! it's not the cat's fault! you can't blame the cat for Amelie's lifelong romantic woes, as if it's some sort of symbol of all that's wrong with non-humans! besides, look how cute that cat is!
cat: i'm not the metaphor for Amelie's dry pussy.

Amelie: the kiss, you're right, we took five. as in five takes of it, i intentionally messed up. i pointed to where i wanted to be kissed. no words, just body movement. each cheek for five minutes, eskimo kiss, butterfly kiss, ear nibble, neck lick, hair pull despite my short hair. all over my face but not a drop of cum. 
crones: i know, right? we don't get kissed by men like that anymore! ever!

Ray Gillette has his arm around a grieving Amelie.
Ray: girl, it's just cafe hot goss, it don't mean no thing. you're so pretty when you cry, i see your reflection in the stainless steel French press.
Amelie: *wipes herself on her cardigan* thanks, Ray, i go marry Nino now.

Audrey Hepburn: sweet whip! burn rubber!
Amelie: oh my scooter? yeah, stole it off the FLCL set.
Audrey Hepburn: you got bigger tits than me. my scooter on Roman Holiday didn't go as fast. you speeding, girl! you buzzin'! the lights are wavy lines of acid! who are you, Run Lola Run?
Amelie: no i'm just on speed. quaaludes, you know. hey you passed by the statue with the nanopenis.
Nino: what? ninopenis?
Amelie: LOOK OUT DON'T RUN OVER THAT BLIND MAN!!!!!!!!!! g'night, folks.

Rubikon: you presented a France that's all lily-white, lightskinned, and colonial.
Director Jeunet: not true, Lucien is black.
Rubikon: but he's a retard! 

Eye Luggage:  Laer and i went on one of those tourist trips to the actual cafe where the film was filmed. two things we'll always travel for: food and film. we recognized that heavy yellow lighting immediately. but we were disappointed.
Laertus: yeah the mirror with Amelie's writing was just writing, not written in lipstick.
Dirg: i was disappointed Nino licked sugar off the table not cocaine. and i thought there'd be a memorial to Michael K Williams with the cigarette lady. 
Eye: yeah, and no tourist is allowed in the bathroom to see where that earthquake fucking took place. g'night, folks.

Amelie: can an introvert find true love?
Nino: only if you're a mediator. i wish i had a mediator during my divorce from Ms. Krause.
Amelie: there's nothing wrong with me, i'm just an introvert. i fall in love at first sight and i'm always lonely.

Eye Luggage: girl i gotta know, what's your situation? you've never mentioned a boyfriend. or girlfriend for that matter.
Audrey Tautou: i'm shacking up with the Biker Mice From Mars.

Celine: impossible is not French.

Gorton Fisherman: i agree with the King's polices. Kyle Fisherman was a Democrat. Lear has imposed an eternal lockdown to battle the plague. all drawbridges are up and the chain broke. there was a run on toilet paper again but why was only MY shack left empty and devoid of toilet paper after the panic buying?
Lance Lear: bad trade policies with other kingdoms. toilet paper is extremely difficult to manufacture during this time period.
Gorton: there's a gas shortage, there's a fuel shortage. the ogre swamps aren't producing the bubbles of tar they used to. the only solution is for more people to dump their cars and walk. or bike. or boat. i need to start serving my fish in croissant sandwiches. cos we all know any meeting at a Subway never ends well. 
Lance Lear: gotta go to the Kingdom of Austria for croissants...

Lance Lear: did you get the flour?
Floyd Landis: no. i can't do this. can't bear it. murder me if you must, i won't be your drug dealer anymore. i won't sell for you. i gotta stand up and be a man despite my pencil goatee. i'm my own man. i like to ride!!! but not bitches!!! i live with my parents but it's only because i'm working on my first album in their garage.

Floyd is last seen at night by the tavern. he walks home alone, opens the garage door, puts the finishing touches on his debut album Bleach, fills in his mustache and beard with a dark pencil, leaves a note for the barber not to cut it, and is never seen nor heard from again.

all that's left in the garage in the morning are a microphone wrapped in white tape and the missing strings from his electric guitar on the lake.


Wednesday, September 22, 2021



toman: war doesn't divide people, money does. well gold does.

Tunisia Hardison: i shoulda replaced Denise on A Different World. wait i ain't auditioning for the wrong show now! it's Lion King not Tiger King!!!

a skint skinny boy in a jewfro on top of an electric bicycle, the first electric bicycle ever, roams the dingy streets of New York City looking for Tony Dungy. but alas Tony is nowhere to be found in the Roman pizzerias. boy looks up and sees a helicopter whirlybirding its way in a spiral falling with great haste speed and intention aiming for his nose. but he's livin' his dream today not dyin' it.
boy: good thing this bike wheel was electrical. i needed to be in that parade. does this near-death experience force me into becoming a doctor? nah, being an actor is harder.

Lance Lear: i am feeling quite blue.
Lovato: what can i help you with today, father? need a pick me up? this call is being monitored for quality control.
Lance: i need someone to call my own.
Hampshire: you had that. with mom.
Lance: i'm not looking for a spring chickadee fresh off falling into the lake from her nest cos she can't fly without the worm. i need a bird who's divebombed an ocean or two.
Floch: we'll help you locate. scope up, zero in. but where?
Lance: well the local zoos. okay there's only one zoo. and it's an illegal zoo. i dunno, but i sense her near. check the gaols.

Laertus: why does everyone on Instagram have a death wish?

Max Kellerman: you can tell from my mumbling muttering voice i cannot BELIEVE i'm stuck doing this stupid This Just In show.
Deku: ...

the crones are at the post office.
Doryce: can you take my name off the Junk Mail List?
Postmaster General: um, you can't do that. that's, uh, not a thing.
Doryce: i mean it's like the whole world is constantly conspiring to make you unsuccessful. i don't want to be saddled with a bulk i have my own.
Gladyce: hello, dear. can you direct me to wear i can go to take me name off the Junk Mail List?
Gladyce clumsily tips over two Coke cans holding up a tower of unprocessed paper and plain envelopes which caldera-crater to the ground teetering the foundation of the office.
Gladyce: not my fault! i'm 500 years old.

Andy Cohen: related to George M but he legally changed his name. ever dip in the lady pond?
Oprah: not unless a sword's coming out of it!!!

Takahashi travels to Adak Island with Dirg to go to the McDonalds there.
Takahashi: get the lead out, soldier! ass in gear!
Dirg: *huffing and puffing*  not from you!
Takahashi: don't you want to experience Jurassic Park and Bobby's World for the first time? with '90s prices?
Dirg: is an abandoned McDonalds the same as an abandoned mall?

Theranos: WE revived poetry.

President Biden: yeah we'll hook Nicki Minaj up with a doctor. my roommate in college was Dr Drew...

Lady Christy Carlson Romano wearing a green pointy triangle hat with veil: they said i would have been Princes Diary if my name had been Christy Carlson Parmesan.

Lady Annamarie Tendler wearing a red pointy triangle hat with veil: the B on Anne Boleyn's necklace doesn't stand for Baby. it stand for Breadcrumbs.

Michael Weiss at Barnard: remember, if a hot chick's on Instagram, it's because her life didn't turn out the way she planned.

Dirg: when there's nothing else around i cut the blue necrotid toenail on my big toe and an almondy almighty cyanide smell wafts up. this combined with the smell of wet socks in my hamper provide me my high.

Dai Paterson: i'm the Australian Adam Lambert.

Gladyce: when the red nightlight remains on even after the curtains are open, that's a good sign, that means it's a gloomy day.
Doryce: overcast is more open, allows for the nudge bar.
Gladyce: Fall doesn't come without a fall. to experience the new season you need the right stream.

Boc: when i went out watering today i saw a strange ufo-shaped object.
Sir Lawn Sprinkler: whatever was it my good man. filler?
Boc: filling. looked like the cream filling of a giant Oreo lodged in the trunk of a tree. it could have either been cream, marshmallow, foamed-up rat poison, or The Dark Crystal.

Boc: when i position my nozzle straight up into the air the water floats aloft the clouds for a bit before coming down, like John Denver riding the wind.

Dirg: i got my Tab.
Takahashi: the pink soda?
Dirg: no the men's pocket magazine.
Takahashi: i'm assuming that's adult and not gadgets and cars?
Laertus: seeing that digest size makes me miss the TV GUIDE glory days again.

Shynola: we're the British Daft Punk

Rubikon wearing a fro: um, so the Bible is basically a big book of glossy quotes which make it cool to exact revenge on your enemies. not cool.

Doryce: sweet olives are weird. olives are not meant to be sweet.

Bill Plaschke wearing a pink Grateful Dead tanktop and chewing xanthan gum joins Violetta Laze by the huge coven bonfire in the middle of the lake by the castle.
Bill: look at this Inca spirit-smoke villa! Mexico is gonna be awesome when it lands! look at my bald head with gray goatee and purple pookahs. not Grey the voice actress. i am no One Punch Man. the only way i can pull premium pussy here hopefully is by being the gnome yoda tour-guide.
Neale Donald Walsch: look at me folks, high up here in the banyans. lazing on a large leaf. natural seesaw in the Gummi Bears tree. i auditioned for Orson Welles. to PLAY Orson Welles.

Academy of Live & Recorded Arts: we're the Fame school in a British castle. we're Hogwarts in real life.
Dan Schneider: why did i do that LIFE spread?
LIFE Magazine: why did we stop the year before 9/11?!!! we're a photography magazine ffs!!!

Kurt Cobain: i won't rest until "Smells Like Teen Spirit" becomes Rolling Stone's greatest song of all time.

Gladyce: nudge bar?
Doryce: i thought you said fudge bar, dear. the NutriSystem fudge bars don't count!

Doryce and Gladyce at Burger King. Gladyce is eating kettle chips.
Gladyce: i eat potato chips at 9PM. cos i'm still hungry.
Doryce: you eat dessert too early, dear. try not to eat dessert while the sun is still up.
Gladyce: life is a highway and i'm still here.
Doryce: you've traveled many a road with no pavement.

Laertus: on the last day of summer, i had to go to Bruno's. despite being an idyllic wooded cabin with Swiss flags and bearings and pictures of lederhosen on hills, the vibe is bad in there, the juju is fetid, the trees meant to provide shade actually pulled away from the place exposing the roof to hellfire.
Roger Federer: i took my flags down from that place, they don't deserve them.

Laertus: i took Olive from The Real World's advice too literally. she talked about how many a time she would drive past her place of employment and never go back to work there again. no call, just drove by for the last time. now I do that with my jobs, it's been hard for me to hold down a job when i have Takahashi at the wheel of my getaway car.
Dirg: tank girl. girl who tanked.

Kathy Ireland: i'm a big Rick & Morty fan, i really am.

Pizza My Heart: your friendly neighborhood dentist

Lady Mindy Kaling in a pink pointy triangle hat and no veil: i gave BJ Novak a blowjob, a choker, that's it. he's not the baby daddy.........he's the godfather. 
BJ Novak: now that's a premise. i'm her Brando.
Mindy: you're more like my Kim. what i did to your life is softer than killing.
BJ: Mindy, please continue sitting on your beautiful butt, i'll be over here watching that butt.

Michael Weiss auditioning on stage: you don't love life! if you loved life you wouldn't be on Instagram!

Dirg: there's a Cancel button on Instagram.

Gladyce: sorry but i just can't resist. when i see a boutique grocers like Bruno's with the tiny tiny fresh produce section, i have to pick one tomato ball, one garlic bulb, one celery stalk from there. with the tiny tiny plastic bag. 
Doryce: there's only three rows of produce. 
Mlem: why would ANYONE take their cat out for a walk in this heat?!
Blep: Obec is the supposed wooded land. but all these trees trap the heat.
Zuly from Bruno's: our specials today are Salvadoran tamales in platano leaves. expensive but worth it.

Min-Gi and Ryan are lost wandering around the maze of the castle.
Min-Gi: i'm 30 and i live with my parents.
Ryan: you're the perfect demographic for Cartoon Network.
Pig Teenager: um, Attack on Titan much? Jaws/Free Willy much?
Morgan: i'm a Gothic-architecture church with Roman stained glass where raves take place. welcome to Party Monster Part 2.
Eye Luggage: did someone say gothic church?

a death doula comes to town from the Florida in Teenage Euthanasia.
death doula: i never make my appointments in time.
Eye Luggage: death is not a beautiful experience, it's scary as fuck, that's the point.
Annie Fantasy: sex with Joe Pera is like being euthanized.

Michael Weiss in a Sugar Ray bucket hat: girl, if you're posting four separate Instagram posts in one day, you're diagnosed by me as schizo.

Dirg: why do hot babes waste their lives playing video games? no offense, Takahashi.

swamp buggy: the only way Ford is gonna beat Datsun and BMW in the future. at least in Florida.
Florida: next time name your cat Malee, it means found.
Florida: i was known as Florida Swamplands during King Lear's time.

Biden: what a fucking asshole! Ex President Bump doesn't choose Tiger Woods or Princess Peach for Mario Golf, he chooses Wario!

Patrick Muldoon: do not judge all Patricks based on what i did to Zack and Kelly.........oh i didn't see that, i didn't know they once wore red & blue Husband & Wife shirts.
Zack: you are husbanned.

Christy Carlson Romano, eyebrows raised: yeah Cadet Kelly was gay! so was Cadet Kelly! what's really gay is how my career turned out! while Hilary Duff's duff soared! 
Hilary: flied...

Pat and Jennifer Pizarro on the pirate ship:
Pat: this is all your fault!!!
Jen: how do you figure? i can't help it if i'm irresistible.
Pat: those glacial eyes betray. that perfect puff skin. hair a silk machine. body stacked like a wanton wonton teddy graham cracker. why was your name Jennifer Pizarro!!! if you had had a more unique name i coulda found you already on Instagram!!!
Jen: blame my parents not me!
Pat: i know but don't actresses drop their slave name and adopt a cool nom de plume for their career? as it stands now and is, i have no idea what the hell happened to you!!!
Jen: are you sure you wanna know?
Pat: en garde!
Jen: you can't kill me.
Pat: that was for my feelings to take cover so they don't drown under a blanket.
Fena, touching Pat's shoulder: buddy listen, i mean take me for example. my hair is silk too, cut like strands. Yukimaru? that boy be crazy. he fuck good for a goblin but as a witch i'm supposed to spell 'im! my mom was Joan of Arc so i'm not even supposed to be here. nobody knew she was pregnant on the stake. i don't know if the blond man is my father, brother, or stalker. Yukimaru chased instead of attracted his whole life and what did it get him? boat peanuts. he didn't get me, he never got me, never understood me. Yukimaru is not an attractive guy. i left him for my father.    

Eye Luggage: Fame and go. 

Laertus's dad: the school in Fame is everything i ever wanted. everything i wanted to be, everywhere i wanted to go, the only school a kid like me ever needed. it was my dream. but i was young sickly and dumb at the time and didn't realize it. also it didn't help that i was on the wrong coast in Los Angeles. but the brownstone on the other coast called out to me. New York City is the ONLY place to be!!! for EVERYTHING!!! for LIFE!!!
Dirg: yeah right, that's why everyone's leaving out of it, fleeing like wet rats. i'm still friends with your boy.
Max Kellerman: i coulda been an actor if i attended this school, instead of ESPN School down in Connecticut with the froufrou football elite. i coulda been a damn good soap actor!

Irene Cara: i'm Manny Santos's mom!!! makes sense, right? this film was the Degrassi of the '80s below in the United States of America. the only true representation of that gritty dingy yellow-walled documentary-style feel. 
PBS: we played this film. censored and cut of course.

Laura Dean: i'm forever confused with Laura Dern. i shoulda jumped into that subway bowel.

Antonia Franceschi: i do like black ass, but the producers were REALLY pushing me hard into that. a salad was named after me, first tossed at some swanky hotel upstate in the Catskills.

Paul McCrane: my hair made me nice.

Barry Miller: not a government doctor's son. why didn't i change my real name to Ralph Garci? there's no cooler name than Garci. it's like salad. i would be where Freddie Prinze Jr is now.

Gene Anthony Ray: the baddest bitchboy the world ever did see. i was obviously gay but nobody said anything to me on set so i ended up the buff stud who fucks all the girls on the ballet pole into Tuesday.

Maureen Teefy: correction, I was everyone's first crush!!!!! soup tureen in a brown bag. i was more of a success story than Prince coming all the way over from the heartland. i gave a teethy blowjob to Garci but it was cut. 

Anne Meara: i got to live out my fantasy with this one. my boy Ben flunked out of his performing arts high school when he couldn't make a face.

Joanna Merlin: i'm that hot teacher with the Connecticut look and curls no student could ever please cos i was always annoyed. YOU wanted to be the one student who could cure me from my madness after hours. but you never could, no one could, i saved that orgasm for someone special later on in life after the movie. an older gentleman with a blue pointy triangle hat and stars. 

Debbie Allen: when you think of Fame you think of me. and yet i don't appear in this thing AT ALL!!! like one second! i made my bones with the tv show that lasted a surprisingly long time!

Tresa Hughes: i popularized Polaroids before Apple sunk their teeth into my daughter.

Richard Belzer: i was in EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I am the reason you watched that first episode of SVU in the first place and got hooked on it like New York Bourdain street cocaine and now you hate me cos you are forced to watch that turgid bloated show in its 100th season just for the few glancing blows of the Liv/Elliot romance.

Sal Piro, looking: you'd think they coulda at least made me an extra in the movie or something.........the Rocky Horror movie.

Michael DeLorenzo: i have one of those faces. i was also the Spanish guy who did Hair on tv...

Meg Tilly: i learned about the covid vaccine from Family Guy.

photographer: let's get the whole cast in one big group shot. in front of the gravestone headstone tomb, perfect.
VERY young Jodie Foster: um, look behind you, i'm traveling with a strange man eating a flower ice cream...

producer: we can't name this after current porn Hot Lunch that's actually playing in theatres.
Alan Parker: fine we'll cut the tits. by two, we'll have two less tits. i did NOT ruin Spider-Man on Broadway.

Laertus's dad: art was better in the '70s.
Laertus: that's when you had me. this checks out.
Laertus's dad: see i didn't know this was a thing growing up, i thought you were forced to learn math and stuff. be a mathlete not a cheerleader. like i didn't know you could drop everything and just learn how to tilt your head just right angled to the camera.

Eye: Drama. Music. Dance. or all three now. you had a choice back then. oh i LOVE the numbers they wear on their hats and leotards! that is so old skool!

Montgomery MacNeil: not New Age. you got me, i'm a Garfunkel fan. that opening is a feint, i actually suck at monologues, that's why i'll never be in Phoenix's movie.

Bruno Martelli: this was the first time showing someone who didn't have any friends on screen.

Laertus's dad: okay the black acting coach is the man! he's everything a man should strive to be. the acting teacher! the best teachers teach actors, they teach people how to be HUMAN. how to be comfortable with their bodies, their tool, their instrument without ointment, and how to pick yourself up when your audition fails.
Dirg: yeah this was back when actors actually had to make a living, a living wage, being an actor. which was impossible. nowadays all the actors we have are the children of Hollywood elites.

Bruno Martelli: i'll show you! don't be a Nazi, look at my setup! i'm inventing electronica music right before your eyes! i'm gonna do the music for the L.A. Olympics!! to feed the ducks at Duckworth! my first album's gonna be called The Downward Spiral!!!
Mr Shorofsky: why didn't you become a dirty apple-picker like your father! you can't play music alone! masturbators don't make good music!

Doris: i'm not struggling enough to be a good actress. i need a sob-backstory. i need to kill myself to gain gravitas.
Montgomery: look at how wide my mouth can open...
Garci: if you're an actor, can you really be a bully?

Coco: i also birthed Leylah as a teen like Emma. but she went to the top coast and changed her name.

Leroy: damn dude! my girl i came with to the audition be TRIPPIN'! it's not about you, honey!
Debbie: actually she was a decent dancer. but the attitude...
Leroy: talent rises to the top, bitch. like a Wu Tang song. for my audition i invented breakdancing. 

students: yeah this wasn't meant to be a musical number, we were just hungry.
wood pianos all lined up snug like sardines: we evoke a Fievel Mousekewitz vibe.

Doris: sitting out here on the stairs free from all that noise racket in there?
Montgomery: yeah i despise music.
Doris: your mom's an actress, right?
Montgomery: she travels all the time. in the circus. she abandoned me for that trapeze guy with the trapezius muscles.
Doris: i see, you're a legacy hire.

Coco: play music with me, Bruno, you can't play music alone.
Bruno: i'd rather open up a deli. besides, my dad just wants you to be my girlfriend but i'd rather fuck my synthesizer.
Coco: there's holes there for wires and stuff. i don't really live in that swanky hotel, i'm homeless. but i'm still voting for Newsom one day.

Leroy: look at me! i'm Superman! or rather Iceman punching all this glass. yeah, Iceman. i ride the old bitch hard cos who ever heard of a white and woman teacher EVER having any nuggets of wisdom for a black and man?
Anne: spicy nuggs?
Leroy: see? 

Leroy: i only need reading to read scripts. i got my pimp to read scripts for me.

Doris: William Morris Agency? that's great, hunk! 
hunk: thanks.
Doris: you'll be selling all those cigarettes to kids! sorry i'm nervous around you.

Bruno: i mean look at me, i'm a white pudgy dude. no way i actually came up with the Fame theme! OBVIOUSLY Irene Cara and Joanna Merlin wrote the song!
director: we actually closed down traffic to film the musical number in the road. New York truck drivers were so angry with us they promised to vote for Bump one day.

Montgomery: i'm gay. this is a big admission in 1980. i'm not just saying this to get the part.
Garci: you're acting tho, right?
Doris: singing in front of kids for a birthday party is so humiliating. especially when you can't sing.

Garci: um, excuse me, this is my big dramatic scene, can we move this incense machine outta the way the smoke is getting in my eyes.
Madame Pons: sorry, that was me, i'm teaching this studio tech here to get into incense. not sleeping with him. the smoke is good for you you're supposed to be crying in this monologue.

Garci: why did Freddie Prinze do it? no, not Freddie, anybody but my sweet prince Freddie. i am the next Freddie, makes me want to gun myself young too. quaaludes? it can't be quaaludes! did Dylan Carlson buy the rifle? i need answers, i need Scooby Doo and the van on the case. you don't have to be named Fred to lead the sleuths.
Doris: that makes me so hot when a man wants to suicide himself.

Montgomery: i'm the schlemiel high up in a motel room in the red light district singing a sad solo song while my two best friends fuck in the next room after a Blade Runner monologue. i am the third wheel and it is here that Dr Romano's lifelong anger rage and resentment was born.
Doris's mother: if you're an actress you're pregnant.
Doris: cry more, Garci, it gets me wet.
Montgomery: you can't just add kissing scenes to the script, that's not Method.

Hilary: i'm a rich white girl who brought a black homeless guy home.
snooty parents: that's about right.
Holland Taylor: i'm the mom to Hilary. she's gonna enter politics so best for her to get it out of her system now. i'm one to talk when it comes to strange bedding partners!
Hilary: when i was monologuing at the mental hospital, that wasn't acting.

Laertus: you don't see that nowadays, an American flag in a church.
The Pope: except on my ceiling mirror.
Garci: I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!! you get my little sister cured at a CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST church not a Catholic church!!!

Doris's mother: Dominique DuPont? what are you a floozie cartoon fox?
Doris: no i sell Avon pens.

Dirg: okay this is scary for me.
Laertus: what it's cool, we get to actually see how the AUDIENCES are and behave in a Rocky Horror show. the action is in aisles not on the screen! 
Mardith: it's fun. they call all the men idiots. and i like the waterguns.   
Dirg: god no, no no no, not for me, they point out the virgins in the audience. 

Doris: omg i had the biggest crush on our waiter. how's it going?
hunk: L.A. sucked. i didn't get that one pivotal frozen-orange-juice-in-a-can commercial...

Garci on the stage mic in hand and mic behind ear doing standup:
Garci: so the seasons are changing. that nice cool breezy Autumnal wind carrying the scent of all the new marijuana being cracked open in the neighborhood...
*crowd laughs*

Doris: you killed, babe!
Garci: i know, right? i'm gonna be Lenny Bruce!
Doris: and i'm perfect for Mrs. Maisel! but i'm not wet yet, you gotta start talking about eating babies if you want to eat my puss.
Laertus's dad: this is my favorite scene, two young people with the world in their hands, they are still dreamers not jaded, it's the two of them and their fingertips against the world. they'll conquer Broadway then Hollywood then get a house. the rush of excitement planning a life together, vocalizing your dreams. it just takes getting that one tv show and the lovers will be on easy street, having kids in bars. the rush of excitement like the wind coming off that subway train from Risky Business.

Doris to Garci: i'll rape you.
Dirg: sorry but when a girl tells a guy she'll rape him that's hot.

Montgomery: i'm not gonna fuck the pizza.
Garci: hilarious, i should have used that line out there on stage. want a candy cigarette?
Montgomery: all we're guaranteed in this life as an actor is a shirt, wear yours.

Hilary: i can't have a brown baby, it's the '80s.
Ex President Bump: neither in my America. or the America that comes after.

Coco: why do my tits look like tiny bananas? 
porn director: i'd suck them.
Coco: you're taking the Flashdance thing way too literally.

Dirg: honestly i thought Leroy and Anne Meara shoulda fucked. that's the only way to bring understanding between strangers so perfect they might as well be different species.
Anne Meara: *crying* do you care about anyone else but yourself!
Leroy: what happened to your husband?
Anne Meara: you fucked him!

I Sing The Body Electric: no, not Philip K Dick. not Rod Serling. it's Walt Whitman.

Gene Anthony Ray: i died form a rare cancer? yeah right. i died by being free. living MY life, the party life is the only way to go. who wants to grow old? and yeah that's my voice on the Ghostbusters song...

Laertus's dad: the glamor of the Great White Way? or the squalor of 42nd Street? Juilliard or Orange Julius? dancing on a Metropole pole? topless for a sandwich? there are a dozen American dreams and only one will make it. that's all you need to know. the Annie kids and the Fame kids should get together one day, they both have iconic lettering in their titles. g'night, folks. something must be vulgar to be beautiful.

the Gorton Fisherman hanging his feet off the docks:
Lance Lear: you ain't gonna jump right?
Gorton: no just swinging my legs in cute yellow rubber boots. my son Kyle was very particular about his croutons, they needed to be strippers from Santa Fe. he never ate soup only salad. why was Kyle out there that foggy morning of his death? he hated going out on the ocean. why was he in a tugboat by the cruise ship and not on the cruise ship?
Kyle: remember, dad. i told you, i prefer luxury tugboats to luxury liners.
Gorton: right before my boy got shot in the back of the head with a wave he was planning that afternoon to run away and join a theater company.

daughters: father! we found her for you!
Lance Lear: oh goodie where was she?
the large black crow towers over the four. she perches on Lovato's arm, Hampshire's fingernail, Floch's belt, and Lance's head.
crow: i was out back grazing. the back of the tower.
Lance: quite. come back to us.
crow: no. i wanted my own career! my own life! not just being Lance's wife!
Lance: but you were a queen! not just my queen. i mean you ran away to become a court jester.
crow: singer singer i'm a singer! my songs are meant to be taken seriously! i sing to everyone in the world to wake up! in the morning. there's only so much fire a bird can take. fire waved in her face. didn't you notice that with each successive Tour de France i was perched further and further away from the road?


Monday, September 20, 2021



Converse shoe that is. hi, my name is Chuck Taylor. i was abandoned by Jeff Bezos and condemned to live on the moon. this was gonna be a start-civilization-over thing, just me and my commune planting an Elysium field. dancing in togas in zero-gravity, eating Carls Jr.. but there's no growing here, as you can see my lawn needs watering and Clint Eastwood won't hang around forever. Moon Warming is a thing.

1. when the world brings you down, what is your best tip about feeling good about yourself again?

seems the entire world had a bad weekend. a sad weekend. like me, i sure did. and now it's time for my favorite human in the world Fareed Zakaria to dispense us with some of his sagacious wisdom on his favorite segment of his show What In The World:

Fareed Zakaria: i'll dispense with the multiple-choice trivia question. have a hot meal, sleep one more hour. spin a globe, the big ones at Fedco not your desk-globe. drink your coffee while in the shower. these have always helped me.

2. what is your favorite room or spot in your home? why? the den. cos of the globe. and the opium.

3. are you living up to expectations?

whose? oh, mine. i have never lived up to my priest's expectations. i mean it's like look i love Norm Macdonald but the Professor of Logic joke was too long. 

4. what lesson took you the longest to learn?

they're not coming back. nobody ever comes back. that lyric from Trent's last song off the album, "Hurt", has served me well my entire life and has proven true my WHOLE life even when i want to close my ears and forget:

everyone i know
goes away in the end

you start over in a new city. make brand new friends. but soon the pandemic wanes and everyone becomes busy again and the Irish goodbyes eventually start trickling in. it's not even a willful ghosting or anything, but everyone forgets to answer their Instagram DM phone on the same day! ALL your contacts at the same time! people are literally so busy they lose track of time and space and by the time Christmas comes they forgot to do that scene for you they promised and it's been a year...

i've wanted to forget this my whole life, cling onto hope. but this is just the way life is. i say this with my glasses on not my contacts: no contact is not better. 

text someone today that you haven't talked to in four years, do it for me.

5. what has been the most difficult choice you've had to make? moving on. i mean moving out.

oh sure it's easy for the Linzess woman. she gets to be a librarian who can drink prune juice on library grounds even tho she's a babe not an old woman cos of an exemption by the president of Berkeley. Berkeley was always an awkward word to spell btw. not everyone has the luxury of cuddling up to their husband in the treehouse. i do that, too, i have my nose in a book pacing the aisles of the grocery store, i once read a whole Louis Sachar book inside a freezer and didn't notice. i thought the glass door to the freezer box with shelves of pizza was the front door. must be nice, Linzess lady!

BONUS: what defines you?

1080. but i can't afford high-definition.