Janet Wood is like always in the morning preparing her flower shop for the day.
Janet Wood: why are there 13 Baskin-Robbins next to me? where's the crime on this curb? i have so much to do, i gotta: spritz the stamens and styles, douse the dandelions, dowse the dahlias, and ravish the roses. did Jack's father-in-law pay for the overhead sprinklers yet? something got in my eye, nostril, and side of my mouth, i don't feel myself...
Jen R: isn't this a cute little small-town village in California? Covina.
me: omg that's Janet's Flower Shoppe!!! we gotta go inside for a plant autograph!!!
Jen: we would but Janet has just hung up a sign on the door that reads
GONE CRAZY
Dr. Robbins eating Baskin-Robbins: get it? basket case.
me: am i a basket case?
Robbins: yes, you're trying to be a monk. be a basket-weaver instead. weave baskets for Janet Wood's flowers.
Gavin Newsom steps out of the White House in a James Bond black tux.
Gavin Newsom: okay this is all new to me so give me a break. i know Biden's policies better than he does, i can DESTROY Bump in a debate, cut him to ribbons, but this is still a little weird. cut me some slack, like the slack in my pants. no i'm not the spokesman, i'm the new candidate. articulation is not just in the hem. has the country ever done anything like this before?...
PBS Saturday Night Movie: The Robe.........it's about Jesus and the Romans, not Hugh Hefner.
Jesus in a Hugh Hefner robe: where do you think he got it from? what do you think the red symbolizes?
Lisan al Gaib: in Dune, nobody uses Listerine, everyone's breath smells like hot sand.
dad: the only way to traverse the Harsh Desert is in a silver Nissan Sentra. i introduced you to these books.
Sean Young: yeah i mean our suits reuse our pee, we don't have time for bathrooms, the last thing we think of in a bathroom is a toothbrush.
Jack Tripper takes E.Z. Taylor out on a date.
Jack Tripper: i'm not gay. we're friends.
E.Z. Taylor: just in front of Mr. Roper. it's a friend date, gotcha. i am HUMBLED to be inside the HALLOWED Regal Beagle, i mean OMG!!! this place is a temple of tequila, a cathedral to chardonnay, a palace with Pimm's. i've never been here before.
Jack: neither have i. in the afternoon.
E.Z.: you call this lunch? you're a chef, right? lunch is a bowl of pretzels?
Jack: give me a break, man, i lost my job. Janet called in to say her fish tasted like it had been given a name. she's been acting strange lately. have you noticed?
E.Z.: i don't know her. only in the biblical sense.
E.Z. starts making the fart noise by licking the palm of his hand and placing it under his armpit and squeezing his arm into it.
E.Z.: remember this? this motion is big now that we're in the 80s. the motion of the ocean.
Jack: don't do that, man, it's disrespectful. that was my mom's pet duck.
E.Z.: sorry.
E.Z. Taylor: have you contacted Chrissy?
Jack Tripper: it's the queerest thing, i went back to the apartment and Chrissy was gone. i confronted Janet about it and she said she kicked Chrissy out because she knew that Chrissy would try to renege on the lease, it was a preemptive strike on her part.
E.Z.: that's foresight.
Jack: i'm noticing how you behave.
E.Z.: yeah i got zinc oxide under my eyes, standard surfer semblance. my mouth is always full cuz i'm always eating, even if it's stale pretzels. and my nose is always plugged up with plugs because you never know when the next ocean wave of legend will roll in. it could come into the Regal Beagle through the stained-glass windows, climate change and everything. omg a certified REGAL BEAGLE COCKTAIL NAPKIN!!! it's not just a myth? i thought i'd go my entire life without seeing one of these, this will be a collector's item next year!!!
Jack: why, what happens next year?
E.Z.: um, nevermind, just focus on your second show.
Paul: jump up and do the Breakfast Club fist pump every time the toilet flushes successfully with your caca in it.
Pasquale: i put my pants in a pile.
The Twilight Zone "Children's Zoo".
station wagon: remember in the '80s when you could put the license plate under the left front light of a station wagon?
Maiara Walsh in a beige safari hat, shorts, and shirt: it's me!!! i haven't aged since 1985, i look exactly the same, that's where Brazilian beauty comes from.
Judge Judy: everybody is entitled to a robust defense. except Russia at the UN.
Putin: what about my pandas? my 2 pandas? Putin Pandas?
A Hatful of Reactions: i'm that magical munchkin in your basement that you're slowly falling in love with. you can't help it, i'm lovable like that. it's the nape of summer and there's NOTHING to do.
Julie Patzwald: i have a nape piercing. wanna guess where?
A Hatful of Reactions: Stevie Nicks stole the hat from ME. my Castlevania hat. which is flipping the script, usually it's the munchkin who does the stealing.
Snakez: augment yourself. NOT with Terminator parts.
Martin Yan: i don't do new shows anymore. like Biden i'm old and i just want to relax.
Martin Yan: look at this, think about this, if you could be anything in this world, Queen of Malaysia ain't bad.
Mr. Bean: Martin Yan is the Chinese me.
Queen of Malaysia: the best thing to be is charitable. just ask Debbie Harry.
Debbie Harry at Glastonbury: i'm personable. i talk to my crowds like they were my next-door neighbor. David Cronenberg WAS my next-door neighbor until his house disappeared.
at the My Nissan car lot in Salinas.
Bryan: Brian!!! where the fuck have you been?
Brian: i'm here now. i'm back. don't concern yourself.
Bryan: you were gone a LONG-ASS time. what were you doing? this is my lot now, i'm the boss. the vending machine is still broken.
Brian: no i'm still the boss.
Bryan: there's a lot of mob sweat on your brow. you seem SHORTER than you were, and you were always a small smurf.
Brian: i was sick. i was sick, okay?
Dr. Dre: remember those boombox Pills? Beyonce had one, everyone had one, they were everywhere. completely wiped off the face of the Earth. now the only one taking pills is me.
Velma from Scooby-Doo: it's winter weight, okay? seasonal weight. luckily all the ghosts and ghouls and previous landlords strike on Halloween so i can chase them all over Scotland Yard and still eat whole pumpkin pies the way Scooby does.
Shaggy: i eat whole pies and i stay skinny.
Velma: shut up, Shaggy, you dropped out of school in the 3rd Grade. you won't see me at the beach in a bikini because there are no summer ghosts!!!
IHOP blueroof in Encino while it's torrentially raining, pouring outside: Continental tires or cantina pancakes?
Shelley Duvall in Brewster McCloud: dizzy debutantes get the donuts. notice i said dizzy not ditzy. i made Brewster dizzy with my coolness. and the hot-dog pizza. and the temple tots.
Skippy from Family Ties: the name of the Trainspotting rave song is "Born Skippy" and i DON'T dance The Robot.
The Outer Limits "Bits of Love".
Jon Tenney: i'm Luke Perry without the sideburns. ironically, my best part was here as a soft sensitive painter. okay fine i thought i was auditioning for an episode of Zalman King's Red Shoe Diaries at first.
Julie Patzwald: one name our goth band will never be is Summery Summary.
Greykid: catnip is cat chronic.
Snoop Dogg: and what of dog chronic? dog chronic tho.
Martin Yan at No Name Noodle: yeah i mean i like noodles. noodles for breakfast? okay. maybe not TEN POUNDS of noodles for breakfast. it's hard to get excited for noodles ALL the time. this is a nice noodle shoppe. sizzling noodles? crunchy noodles?
Joe Biden: hi folks, never mind all that, i just got done debating 90 minutes with a man with the fucked-up mind of an alleycat.
Greykid: i mean...
Joe: it still boggles the non-alleycat mind how he got to be President.........you know? it really does.
Bud Kieser smoking a Hugh Hefner pipe: yeah i was a Hollywood priest. but it wasn't the Hollywood in me that led me to fall in love with a nun, it was the man in me.
Bud Kieser: i only drank Miller Lite. i was ashamed of it until the 2020s.
Cristina Londono Rooney: i married Bill Nye the Science Guy. that cute little guy is my husband.
Bill Nye: Telemundo was the only station that took me seriously at first.
Ingmar Bergman: all my actors AND actresses were named Sivi.
Paul: the toilet will GROAN if you don't flush it right.
Joe DiMaggio for Mr. Coffee: ah the taste of hot coffee burning your tongue at 4AM in the morning, there's no feeling like it. not even that time i hit a grand slam versus Babe Ruth's Red Sox to win the World Series. Marilyn used to do that thing with her tongue on my body at 4AM.........made my body scalding.
Marilyn Monroe: coffee, tea, or Chanel No. 5? you always had a hot body, Joe.........i'm talking about your temper.
Mark Lajal at Wimbledon: in Estonia they made me a scarecrow in the cornfields. that experience made me goth.
Trent Reznor: that's EXACTLY what happened to me.
Morrissey holding a tennis racquet on a grass court: ...
Brooke Trantor: 8 glasses of water? try 8 glasses of coffee, bub, i'm an actor.
David Duchovny: Free Being record store, NYC's Rasputin, only the hardcorest USED tapes and cassettes from your favorite New Wave bands. that place was left purposely filthy, a real hole in the wall so nobody would find out about it, would unearth its secrets. the place to get a REAL education, forget school. higher learning is getting high to the first bootleg, Bob Dylan's ripoff of the Beatles White Album. i have never been angry my entire life, i've had no reason to be.
Alcaraz: i'm a cute little teddy bear you just want to hug. my tummy is Charmin.
John Travolta: so what i gotta do over here?
Sarah Becker: walk across this pole that's been greased with fish guts, fish guts from Seattle fish. naked.
at the Regal Beagle.
Mr. Roper: i couldn't help but overhear. IS JANET ACTING CRAZY AGAIN?!!! IS SHE SCREWY AGAIN?!!!
Jack Tripper: Mr. Roper, Janet is so level-headed she made Switzerland calm down when it got fidgety during the war. Janet was complaining of headaches and general unwellness but we were too busy to care.
Mr. Roper: i got a GIANT ramrod in my closet.
Jack: that is so LOADED with multiple meanings.
Mrs. Roper: right? i wish Stanley used his giant ramrod on me in the bedroom when we make love. which is never. despite my spicy Seventies sheer shawls.
Mr. Furley: Coke teabags, think about it.
Billie Piper: cheeky. you cheeky man.
Mr. Furley: i'm cheeky, not drunk.
Mr. Roper RAMRODS the door down with a strange misplaced anger.
Mr. Roper: take that, you hippie!!!.........she's not here.
Jack: i tried to tell you Janet wasn't here but you were in a ragged rage. a fury fugue. Mr. Roper, are you gay?
Mr. Roper: yes.
Mrs. Roper: well THAT explains everything!!!
Jack: who's gonna pay for our door?
Mr. Roper, pondering to himself: never mind all that, look for Janet, sniff the couch.
Jen R: sorry i'm late, i was on my eighth Pimm's. i have the key to this apartment. but i swallowed it.
Jack: all of Janet's tulips are gone, cleared out, she keeps them here in a wood potting row on the sill of our common window. the soil always smelled like shit. she takes her work home with her, you know.
Mr. Furley: Janet must be at work. i never worked a day in my life. i fed my goldfish and kept my nose clean. is going to the zoo work? yes it is, it's tiring to go to the zoo.
Larry: Mr. Furley, you broke into the zookeeper's office and fed her goldfish.
Mr. Furley with a knowing grimace: all animals at a zoo are fair game. especially the birds, wink wink.
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