Friday, December 30, 2022



* this episode of Off The Air is WHAT I WANT TO DO FOR A LIVING

* everyone in Atlanta, Georgia wants to live in Los Angeles

* man: we'll flying into Baltimore to meet dad's new girlfriend. she's hot. like Tilda Swinton hot.
Zach G: Tilda Swinton was PERFECT CASTING to play David Bowie's wife in that music video cos she could play David Bowie HERSELF. i'm not interested in hot women, i'm interested in whether Lamar Jackson will suit up for the playoffs.

* Zach G: LaCroix is a magic elixir that gives me inner Triforce Power, it's not these Zelda Triangle tattoos on my inner forearms. you can't fly like this with Red Bull. Steven Spielberg ending.

* 1970s Love, American Style sprinkled with a bit of 1970s Monty Python, makes you never want to return home to 2023

* a woman is defined by keeping her word. then again, life for a woman on Earth is already Hell. Led Zeppelin's stairway goes both ways. why do all women's golf outfits look like pink Stepford Wives waitress aprons?

* what is eternity? professors droning on forever. 

* wake up to a time before when everyone was just thoughtful towards each other. i want to be.........known. you're just hungry, drink something. each minute is an unrepeatable miracle so don't try to repeat loaves and fishes, eat pizza instead. death is like watching late-night television all night, your eyes water, the edges start to blur where you don't know where one edge ends and the next edge starts, and you enter Heaven when you know there will be a new season of China, IL. everyone will think you're cool cos you ditched your Dolce & Gabbana for Vivienne Westwood.

* dog: you took my balls.
onion girl: come here, boy, come with me, doggie, away from a life of hell with Muscle Man from Regular Show.

* woman with red hair is ALREADY HOT, she's got NATURAL ELF EARS!!!
rancher: don't look at my nose, look at my social status. remember when Bush did 9/11?
ginger babe: yes i remember when the internet was innocent. i can help till the fields with you hence my cabbage tattoo on my forearm.
rancher: you can't just get Taco Bell with the coins you find fallen slipped in between the cracks of your cushions on your couch, that will never be enough money.

* i would SO WATCH a whole show in this animation style!!! 
pale vampire girl: i see my mother when i look at the puddle reflection.
pale vampire boy: no that's actually you at Age 45. you can see your reflection? you're not hot to me anymore.
pale vampire girl: we're Linda and Bob Belcher if they were hipsters and you wore a loud rainbow disco leather jacket.

* i shall search for God myself. this is the Monty Python cartoon. and How A Bill Becomes A Law, God's Law in this case. 1970s pencil sketchings and woodblocks. if Shel Silverstein did Fantastic Planet. we need to get back to the world when Shel Silverstein was big. Cher in a yellow bodysuit is crying cos she can't find God anymore. her God was Sonny Bono. God looks like Sonny Bono when Sonny was wearing the mustache. you can find God if you have a Foam Finger for a real finger.

* great giant wolf-horse has the balls that dog earlier wanted back. the wolf pees planets. the wolf tinkles outer space.

* i swear i saw that claymation skier planting the Tree of Life before.........on PBS Imagemakers or Film School Shorts definitely.

* Natalie Merchant in Angela Anaconda form jumping into a Stone Temple Pilots pool on the ceiling. looking back, Stone Temple Pilots was a rather silly name.

* Kathleen Beller's butt: hey watch that candle, don't let all that luxurious feathery Golden Fleece shag carpet under my cushiony bouncy gold-pixie-dust butt catch fire. my butt is already fire.

* traumabonding: don't use regular super glue, use the FlexSeal family of products.

* paper ceiling: punch through it with your pinkie ring.

* Frank Costanza: i'm one of The Three Stooges who survived into the 1990s...

* United Cup, tennis: it's called United Cup 2023 because it ends on this Sunday...

* lift ticket: a shot of bourbon before you strap on your skis at the top of the snow mountain.

* FlexTape guy: remember, ceiling=sealing.

* Clione: already in Heaven, swimming around. Heaven is an underwater place...

* Royal Match: for some reason, all kings need to look like Borat.

* Lysol: i never thought my kid would end up sleeping in the dog bed.

* Weight Watchers: keep a bottle of olive oil in your backpocket instead of your phone.

* Cecily Strong: on SNL i could say Einstein was dumb, i'm missing SNL already.

* Amazon: it doesn't matter if your gift was broken in our boxes, it's the thought that counts.

* Hilton Hotel soccer
crone witch old lady: what? eggs make your bones grow. i'm not scaring the children, that's nutrition. you know what's really scary? making poached eggs.
kid: i can't look alive standing at this goal like i'm a scarecrow. I'M FUCKING HUNGRY.
kid: yeah that's right pancakes AND waffles!!! goalie? that's a position? just have the goal empty, that would make soccer more fun.

* BetMGM
Jamie Foxx: Dallas covered the spread!!!
actress under the car dying: i can't believe i'm saying this, but the Dallas Cowboys are gonna win the Super Bowl. i am so sad right now because of the Cowboys.
Jamie Foxx: i know, right? Stephen A. Smith would have to quit ESPN.

happy weekend, my babies. food? nothing's open. don't stop believin'. i can't believe i'm still alive in 2023, it's a miracle, alleluia.

Wednesday, December 28, 2022




Allison Mack: sacraments of initiation, don't worry it's not what you think, these are good things.
Monsignor Navin: yes, girlie, THREE good things so it's double-good. Catholicism is not a cult.

Michaela From Safeway: what are you guys doing for New Year's? i'll be wearing my signature top hat.
me: did you talk to Lucio?
Michaela: he's still taking my calls. Lucio went over to Italy, won't be back till he becomes a man over there working the fields.
Avo: Italy HAD the best tomato sauce. but not since the fields were taken over by the government. i'll be hanging out with you two.
Michaela: yeah we're a pretty sad lot, a Bereavement Brady Bunch.

me: i'm man enough to admit it: without you two in my life i'd be dead right now. last night on Christmas Eve i did something i just HAD to do: i watched the Batman: The Animated Series episodes "Christmas with the Joker" and "Holiday Knights". first off, "Christmas with the Joker," that was basically the first episode of the series, they showed it at night. 
Avo: Summer Gleeson shoulda been Batgirl. 
me: i can't believe they allowed the word faggot to be heard on a kid's show. and the level of violence they showed explaining Joker's origin story. that vat of molten-acid lava showed bone.
Michaela: yeah. and what's up with that Robin? his design, he did not look like the same Robin in the next 2 seasons. or the next 3 seasons actually!!! Joker looks different, too.

me: "Holiday Knights", the one with Clayface and that Latinx officer who looks like the cop from Gargoyles and is probably the same her. i have a special nostalgia soft spot for that episode. when everyone else was 17 years old and going to prom, THIS WAS ALL I HAD, all my fragile psyche and young emotive body could hang onto to live for was this episode of animated television, this cartoon saved my life. i could escape from my teenage problems of isolation by pretending i was living in the world of Batman, the high-end New York department stores in snow, that beautiful old-timey Gatsby world that combined the 1910s with the 1930s and the 1990s. gangsters and grunge. i pretended i was shopping in that 1930s department store Barbara Gordon was shopping at in winter looking for gloves for Christmas like i was Male Golightly. i could get an ice-cream pop and a soda and wait patiently for next year cos next year'd be better.
Avo: what's up with the "hysterical" Robin says? didn't everyone else remember Robin saying "hilarious" at Joker's latest ploy?
me: same.
Michaela: right? i did. turns out Robin said "hysterical" but in a '90s way.

Leigh McGowan: hi i'm Politics Girl. i'm like Mayor Mary Elizabeth McGlynn.

Charles Coleman: yeah i did it. i gave serious sober political commentary on the January 6 Report while wearing a Santa suit. i'm Santa for the kids in Harlem right now and i just became a television legend.

storm door: a good lay.

The Pope: this isn't a wheelchair, these are chunky heels. i have bad knees from too much sex.
Darth Sidious: can i borrow your wheelchair? can i Transubstantiate a wheelchair into a pill? cos i need to take a lot of pills for my condition right now.

Michael Weiss in a Santa hat: if you take the time to say "Merry Christmas" in the comments on someone's Instagram, you actually like that person. you're interested in that person. you've invested in that person. you take the time to let that person know, it's not just another person on your scroll.

me: Washed Out is the only person with a Southern-drawl accent i'm not scared of.
Moby: same. i'm the only man with a bald head i'm not afraid of.

bolthole: hide your butt.

Tyzik: it's been a while, don't be a priend. when you don't know someone's birthday, just tell them what a great guy they are on Christmas.

Rudy Giuliani: if America had simply chosen me over George W. Bish uh Bush, John McCain Sugarcane, and Mitt Rubberface Ribbed For His Pleasure Romney, i wouldn't have gone crazy!!!

Bob trying to sing: Oh Donna, mira, Oh Donna, mire, ha ha ha ha ha, keekeekeekee, every time that song comes on my motorcycle radio i have to keep laughing at the lameness of the song.........otherwise i'll start thinking of Ritchie and i'll never stop crying.........llorando.

Michael Weiss wearing a New Year's Top Hat: i'm trying to wish everyone Happy New Year on Instagram but it's hard when their end-of-year reels reveal all the generational abuse and institutional racism they've suffered.

Eye Luggage: The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982) and go.
Kathleen Beller: DO YOU LIKE MY BUTT? that's MY butt, i'm putting a face to the butt. i know you don't care nor worry about my face you only care about that GLORIOUS GLISTENING BUTT on your screen right now, in a golden rainbow as it gets MASSAGED BY THUMBS FOR THE AGES. no butt double, all me. there it is, that's just my big butt on screen there for 10 minutes, my big golden butt. 
Caitlin Clarke: no, this chick isn't me. i was in that other sorcery movie, the one with the dragon. i'm also a pretty good college basketball player...
Kathleen Beller: and a good swimmer. healthy set of lungs. i'm a baller.

Kathleen Beller: there's a lot of TITS in this movie. not just in the whorehouses, in the churches as well.

Dirg: yeah this isn't Excalibur, you know the movie that teaches boys how to be alpha males.

Takahashi: strangely, the Disney sword/sorcery/sandals movie is DARKER than this!!!

Laertus: sword and sorcery was always my bag. but i never played Dungeons & Dragons, no club would take me. fantasy is like sci-fi without the spaceships. space rockets.
Eye: both genres have castles.

He-Man: that three-blades sword tho. right? what the FUCK was that thing? not a toy sword. 3 Sword, 3 blades, 3-bladed, it looked like a giant razor, lugging around a Big Scissors. the tri-sword was sold to kids at Renaissance faire trade shows after the movie not as a plushie plush, as an actual sword that could kill birds!!! for kids 7 and up. i mean this 3-sword is a SILLY SWORD, that's a LAUGHABLE LANCE, you can't take a musclebound warrior in a loincloth seriously carrying a Three Sword like this that projectiles blades like projectile vomit. it's more a rocket launcher than a sword. you have to understand, THIS SWORD WAS NOT PLASTIC!!! it's like those Nerf Darts kids play with that look like they're all foam but they're really metal with no hint of foam-rubber.

Laertus: the main character in this is a rogue, he's a mercenary, he's Han Solo combined with He-Man if both men weren't a cartoon.

Mardith: i know this is Medieval times. and the 1980s. BUT COME ON. a woman's only leverage is one night with her? she can bargain with sex, only sex, she can't use her wits, perhaps accumulation of wealth through her own entrepreneurial spirit, selling gold coins at trade fairs, she's able to get enough gold coins to open up her own mercenary business with her as CFO, F.O. which stands for Female Orgasm AND Fucking Awesome. C for Chief.
Madame Pons: sadly TIMES HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL IN 1000 LONG YEARS. sex is the only thing that remains a mystery to men, the one thing men can't control, a woman's sexual liberty is a power so great it guides the universe, she is SUPREME IN HER SEX, free to form new life and break the fragile male ego, a woman's unleashed sexual energy creates planets and stars. men are fearful of sex, deem it dangerous to society. sex can never be expressed in its most open form.
Tatiana: lesbianism?
Madame Pons: exactly. and only women can do that, only women know how to do that, to unlock sex's highest potential, sex's highest vibe ring of self-actualization.
Mardith: and sex's darkness.
Madame Pons: men have been trying to restrain and reduce that power of women for tens of centuries and could only come up with a pewter chastity belt and a rusty key. 

Fuerza: this leads to quite a few unguarded moments from men.

Laertus: they deliberately named the villain Cromwell, didn't they?
Kenyatta: oh look!!! the witch is that woman who sings the horse song from Silence of the Lambs. how convenient.
Doryce and Gladyce: she was our neighbor in America before everything happened...

Richard Moll: do i look cooler with orange, pink, or black skin? this is what happens when you stay out in the sun too long, this was a MAJOR concern in the 1980s, models were dying on the beach getting suntans. i'm only here to prove something that the 1980s world does not want to hear, i'm advocating for this tho everyone in the world and the known world and on set calls me a villain: the Night Court REBOOT WILL BE BETTER than the original. rest in pieces of juggle swords, Harold T. Stone. Xusia, i sound like a go-go dancer in one of those 1980s Madonna dance clubs.

Laertus: this is starting to become an episode of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys. that is not a good thing.

Cromwell: soon i will be the king of the world.........well king of the KNOWN WORLD.........i mean as far as we know the world is a small island, right?

Tyzik: this is Monty Python without the laughs.
Rubikon: i can't like The Holy Grail anymore. i'm the only black man who doesn't like Elon Musk.

Dirg: that's fucked up seeing your dad and then your mom beheaded by the lake, where was THAT HAND that comes out of the lake and saves you from a short life?

Ehdan: Eden

Alana: what's your price?
Talon: i really just want to fuck you.
Alana: what if i offered you a million gold coins?
Talon: i mean i'd be set for life with a million, especially in this time period. this is before wizards invented crypto. but honestly.........i mean i just want to fuck you, you know? what else is there to life? journeys, adventures, but eventually a man gets thirsty by the sea. i'll do the job for free, i'll do the swordfighting for free, i just want the sex, i just want your body.
Alana: do you recognize that i am THE ULTIMATE IN LIFE.
Talon: yes, by far, without question, i bow down to thee. the mystery of woman, unconquerable and strange. seductive, leads men to ruin, leads men to empty their semen and their bank accounts. or pouches as the case may be. 

Rubikon: there's this weird section of the movie where they get all the black soldiers, i'm sure calling them "Moors", their talking and the whole jailbreak part and they're trying to say lines for comic relief but it's all too corny and forced. they're trying to do Blazing Saddles in the middle but they cut it off quickly.

Madame Pons: one of these actresses ended up the Queen of Sweden. they want this to be Beastmaster but it would not have made a good TV show. they want this to be Highlander but NOTHING is Highlander, especially if you're high whilst watching it. Highlander makes LESS SENSE HIGH. 

King Richard: doesn't this remind you of Cagliostro? that Lupin III thing. or that other Lupin III movie?
Mogullen: beware of quintuple agents, they are the worst. i did modeling to pay for acting classes, not waitressing.

Talon: 11 years later, like Will & Grace.

Machelli: not Machiavelli...

Alana: remember, it's just for ONE NIGHT.
Talon: i am a lusty mercenary but i will be quelled with one thrust. of my sword. my longsword. my long longsword penis. when it comes to sex i was just curious, you know?

Talon: are you the rightful heir? i'm not into ruling kingdoms, i'm just in it for the kicks. 
Mikah: you are so lucky you can ABANDON WITH ABANDON, i have to stay in my daddy's castle and eat cereal.
Talon: i swear i saw you in the Brady Bunch.........Brady Bunch Traveling Circus and Caravan of Lute Players, a right band of brothers. you have fro-hair goals for me. moptop for the masses. long hair on men is overrated.

Jesus: what fucking kind of wedding has a CRUCIFIXION in it?!!! guys you really gotta cool it with the crucifixion stuff, it's really not cool. it's not meant to be a display of power, it's just barbaric and it needs to STOP NOW.

Cromwell: i hope all my guests are enjoying themselves. triangle sandwiches in the foyer, my sword only cuts diagonal. and now there's gonna be a 50-minute montage set to the musical strains of that Copeland guy from Sting, see if you can cope.

Talon: i have no qualm nor quarrel with you.
Xusia: the woman is mine.
Talon: NOW we have a problem.

Talon: constrictor snake? oh yeah that's my nickname, that's the nickname i gave to inside my pants.

Talon: HA! i had a switchblade in my gauntlet, from experience, i went to prison, i did hard time for impersonating a horseman at Medieval Times in Arcadia.

Alana, blushing: don't we have some business to tend to?
Talon, smiling: we certainly do.
Alana: great, here, take this Wells Fargo credit card, just charge it to that card. everything, yeah, there's no limit on that red credit card with the horse on the card...

Talon: it's a red-and-yellow credit card, i was actually scared of the sex, scared of having to actually do sex with the princess...

Dusens get it done in the sound-production department.

Albert Pyun: don't be punitive, don't punish me for being a cool guy in a hot place. Hawaii. i was cooler than you'll ever be. i died at age 69 OF COURSE.
Fuerza: nice.

Roger Ebert: Identikit, you had to look that word up, huh?

Jack Tyree: REMEMBER ME!!! i was the stuntman KILLED in the making of this movie. i fell 80 feet off a cliff and missed the airbag. you fast-forwarded over my dive cos the movie got boring at that part, right? you bastards. NEVER FORGET!!!

Avo wraps his arms around my shoulder. Michaela From Safeway wraps her arms around my other shoulder.
me: i haven't gotten HUGGED IN AGES.
Michaela From Safeway: come on, it's not that upsetting, cheer up, it's like that Batman: The Animated Series episode "Christmas with the Joker" says: it's a wonderful life.
Avo: life does have its moments. never saw that movie, i'm just pretending to be Batman like all boys do.
me: i always wanted to be Robin.
Avo: i first learned the Batman Smells Joker Egg version of "Jingle Bells" from THIS episode, not the other way around, i didn't learn it on the asphalt schoolyard playground first. 
me: i guess. like now. you're right, life has THIS MOMENT. with YOU TWO. i'm a sucker for a film-noir aesthetic. man i love that BTAS end theme by Danny Elfman, so much so i had to watch those episodes again.
Danny Elfman: it's Christmassy cos it's haunting.
me: aesthetic assuages my anxiety.

Tuesday, December 27, 2022



1. would you rather live in a real haunted house or a gingerbread house?

a real haunted house of course, specifically the castle Dita Von Teese and Marilyn Manson got married in at that Vogue shoot. i would say gingerbread house but you caught me full at the moment, i just ate my Christmas roast consisting of pepper chicken, Mornay-sauce mac-n-cheese, and tater skins.

2. one practical use for your belly button is ____

put a ring on it

3. do you trust birds? if not, why? Bill Nye the Science Guy told me birds aren't real. but then again you know Bill, he's always kidding around, he's always joshing and jokestering, he's the prankster of the troupe, Bill Nye was a comedian on the Seattle version of Saturday Night Live, Seattle SNL, before all that science stuff. you gotta make it entertaining or no one will learn.

4. what's wrong with you? deadline...

5. would you rather be a millionaire but NOT have friends or family or be broke but have friends and family?

you can't eat money. FAMILY is everything, family is all that matters. for some, FRIENDS ARE FAMILY. it's no fun to spend money alone, take it from me.........what am i saying, i've never had money!!! i have no idea!!! imagine being super-rich just for one day, swimming in that infinity pool next to the Pyramids. i will be rich one day cos i played the lottery. can i be Bill Gates but with friends?



Friday, December 23, 2022



* THE SHOEBILL!!! right?!!! i mean this crazy bird is straight outta prehistoric dinosaur times!!! i'm fucking scared!!! you can't tell what is the real bird, what is the statue, and what is the animatronic robot. this stork is TALLER THAN ME!!! the stuff of glorious nightmares, beautifully frightening, the bird from The Flintstones and a Muppet all in one. menacing and kind. can dunk on Shaq cos its wingspan is longer than Durant's. why isn't the shoebill a Disney villain yet?!!! a villain named Billy Bracken. SOMEONE DRAW THE SHOEBILL ANIMATED FEATURE FILM!!!

* The Nervous Twitchy Club: Mark Borchardt, Chris Hayes, me

* snow picnic: two frigids finally warming up to each other...

* Mark Borchardt: i like lettuce. my stream-of-consciousness is so fast it's more confusing than Roku TV Streaming.

* Jackie Collins: wait a minute, HarperCollins? so THAT is why all my books got published?!!! i'm a good writer, you fuckers!!! NO I AM NOT JOAN COLLINS'S SISTER!!!

* Tony Robbins: there's no emotion without motion. i relate to Mark Borchardt's story, too...

* homecoming opponent: the Washington Generals. but not anymore. there won't be anything Washington for a while.

* Gladyce: i don't change socks anymore. i don't change my socks. i only have one pair of socks that have no holes so i just wear those two socks forever.

* Sara Spooner: i was thinking my King of Queens gig would finance my debut album. i was never MENTIONED again after the first few episodes, i literally disappeared into thin air and nobody said anything. i was kidnapped and the police gave up after one day.
Arthur Spooner: it's better if we just have a CLEAN BREAK, you know? the next episode comes and we just pretend you never existed. that way we don't have to keep CONSTANTLY explaining you away. you were a vital member of this family and we loved you very much...

* i hate streaming

* Domino's Carryout Heroes: yeah, public, do the carryout yourself, do everything yourself, do the delivery and the making of the pizza. that will REALLY SAVE ENERGY cos we won't have to use any of our electric cars. it's good to have electric cars but it's BETTER to have NO CARS.

* two things i didn't notice the first time around watching the Amazon "Joy is Made" commercial: the mom in the family photo. right? never explained, she's ether divorced or dead, sometimes you can't tell which is worse. and the dad gets the daughter to come back to the car on a snowy chilly cold bomb-cyclone school morning to return the snowglobe to the passenger's seat to wrap the seatbelt on the snowglobe with just the LIGHTEST TOUCH OF CAR HORN.

* Caesars Sportsbook "Going Full Caesar"
Vince Vaughn: hey guys, everyone gathered round the table, Manning family, i'd just like to apologize. i am sorry for canoodling up to Trump at that sports stadium. you see the thing of it is is that i don't care who's in office, i just like to be near power.

* TikTok
Tony Hawk: no more skateboarding, doctor's orders? okay, i've made enough money, i got enough fame, i don't really like video games. skateboarding is a young man's game anyway. i will devote the rest of my life to straightening out Morty's very troubled life.
Padma Lakshmi: you cannot see, my beloved Salman Rushdie, but you know in your heart that i will love you forever...
LL Cool J: the theremin was the first Auto-Tune pitch-correction diamond-encrusted microphone.
Randy Jackson: ...


* Courtyard by Marriott
scout: i'm an NFL scout because i'm an EXPERT IN RECOGNIZING AND EVALUATING when do i replace Matt Ryan at QB?

tomorrow: QPC? at McDonald's? BBQ? at Bruno's? with avocado extra? sure fine whatever but no store's gonna be open Christmas Eve!!!


Wednesday, December 21, 2022



Michaela From Safeway: it sucks. i can't contact my peeps no more.
Gladyce: have you tried the telephone, dear? they say only your true friends will pick up but only if it's a landline.
Michaela From Safeway: no i mean this time of year during the holiday season i get skittish and scared.
Doryce: THIS is the time to see people, NOW, you'd be surprised, you bump into strangers you haven't seen for decades in the strangest places. when i was roaming Mervyn's for Gladyce's Christmas socks i mean Christmas gift the gift of the present.
Gladyce: YOU GOT ME SOCKS?!!! you shouldn't have, lover. by which i mean I NEED SOCKS!!! i love you so much i could kiss you.
Doryce: or better yet hug me in my special spot.
Michaela: back to me, girls.
crones: ah yes well these last two weeks is when EVERYBODY SLOWS, you can catch up with ANYBODY, you can FIND ANYBODY, acquaintance or not, everyone's suddenly around, they got nothing to do, they're just THERE for the first time since she unceremoniously dumped me right there on the college campus and defenestrated me out the sorority's second floor. i talked with HER.
Gladyce: how was she like?
Doryce: her face is all mangled now but she has the sweetest demeanor and the calmest temperament. 
Gladyce: what kind of socks did you get me?
Doryce: those Tabi socks with the cloved hooves cos you have ox feet.
Gladyce: you know me so well, goats go so well with witches. i have cloves for feet like an ox.
Doryce: oxen schmoxen. i smoke cloves, and sprinkle the occasional clove into my enchantments when i cast.

Michaela From Safeway: go to Mervyn's yeah? that's what you're saying?
Michaela At Mervyn's: well i'm here. in Mervyn's. by the last glass escalator. there's no one here. not just my long-lost friends who abandoned me, like NOT A SOUL in here. Mervyn's liquidated without telling me, didn't they?
Mark Hapka wearing an Ebenezer Scrooge nightcap: speaking of liquids, 11:11 isn't just when you shout out HAPKA!!!, it should also be your bedtime. your body needs 8 hours sleep and 8 drinks of water.

Central Coast Audiology: yes Kelly Clarkson works here. as a doctor, not a nurse.

Covered California: with masks

Goran Visnjic: i was the goalie in the Croatia/Morocco World Cup soccer match. can you guess which one? did you WATCH the Third Place Match?...

Jim's in Seaside: we sell Chinese food. somehow. it's not Jin's.

Toga: me and Twice, what could have been...

Boc: look at this Crespi track. it's gotta be about more than running, people. it's gotta be about the environment, EVERYTHING must be about the environment or this planet is kaput long before the Bomb drops. again.
Monsignor Navin: maybe combine the sports?
Boc: i was thinking combine the sports. hey you, Monsignor, isn't the Catholic Church supposed to be above anything else the institution of the Environment?
Navin: not even close. the Garden of Eden is a vegetable garden.
Boc: walking and picking up trash, jogging and picking up litter with a harpoon. let's face it, all of us want to be racewalking to show off our bulging hips. just me? as we keep the green green. look at this track, it's too oval, too circular, too closed. erase those 6 white lines and start painting the track INTO THE COUNTRYSIDE. as we run in the fields we pick up oily garbage with our bare hands. trust me, the birds will thank us. birds not women. but women too.
Navin: i want to frolic naked in my purple monk's robe. only saints can do that.

local news: we don't really do news, we're basically one big commercial for local restaurants...

Lou Rawls: don't you DARE call me loo roll or i'll beat yo ass.

Monsignor Navin: i'm working with Oli London now, working with the boy INTENSELY. it's been a struggle, it's been a HARD ROCKY ROAD for Oli but he's making incremental progress, he's making gains in the Catholic Church.

Twilight Zone "Eye of the Beholder": Cher's Mask in reverse.

Millennium Dome: large baked potato in the sea. points can transform into 12 King Arthur swords for The Sword and the Sorcerer...
Mark Borchardt: should there be 13 black-cloaked figures circling my car? or 12. 11? are these guys druids, warlocks, or monks?...

Eye Luggage: American Movie (1999) and go.
Mark Borchardt: why am i not more famous? why am i not James Cameron?

me: again i say THIS DOCUMENTARY IS MY EXACT LIFE, everything Mark Borchardt went through is what i go through as a person who's probably an autistic artist. i mean i'm probably autistic, and an artist, not the other way around, probably an artist. i'm a crazy creative. the way Mark is SUPER-INTELLIGENT with his vocabulary, the way he talks fast and staccato and EXPLAINS EVERYTHING dragging out each word to explain heavy concepts and angled symbolism and using ALL THREE CHOICES FOR WORDS to explain the path he's going on to describe to you his inner mind, his internal angst, his inside feelings.
Mark: everyone thinks i'm on drugs but i'm not. did you see the reference i just used to describe the strange sound? i said The Ghost of Christmas Past. only a learned well-read man could make such a reference. 
me: he could have said ONE THING, but he says ALL THE THINGS in a very drawn-out explanation, he uses ALL THE CHOICES FOR WORDS to explain himself. each and every word in the synonym dictionary and syllabus and rhyming dictionary. 
Laertus: he's very dramatic in his presentation which is natural for a filmmaker. he's constantly explaining the scene, framing the next scene, the scene of life.

Mark Borchardt: i wanted to make Northwest. i didn't want to make Coven but i had to. Northwest would have been my North by Northwest. it wasn't indie horror schlock it was a serious independent film with not a line of comedy about the struggles and the loss of the American Dream in the car graveyards where i grew up. where skinny boys of college age didn't go to college, they couldn't afford it, they went to the factory after growing their hair long and putting on one plaid shirt and one bluejean. their purpose in life was to drink beer to find friends. by the way, i STILL can't afford to make Northwest in 2023!!! despite all my FAME!!! i do love my family, i was about the rest of my life raising my kids, i wouldn't trade that time for the world. the world of cinema where i'm the American Lars von Trier.

Laertus: this film REALLY clicks with me, i feel DEEP EMPATHY with Mark Borchardt, i know what he's going through, more than any other movie about movies this one really shows what it's like to not give up on your dream, even if you have no money. i know what it's like to have to recruit your FRIENDS AND LOCALS to be in your student film cos you have no money to pay real actors. you have to literally pick people off the street, strangers at the bars, and tell them to say lines for no money. 
Mark: it does make it realistic.........and grimy.

Mark: i danced with the Sundance. people around the world know me from THIS, not from my actual movies Coven or Northwest. so it's a bit strange that i never received ONE SUNDANCE CENT to further my career as a studio mogul. i should have used this to springboard me into Hollywood life, but see that was the problem, i hated Hollywood and all it stood for and wanted to remain indie. indie means poor for life. so nothing really became of me and my career went nowhere. 
Kevin Smith: mainly my fault. i kinda stole all your indie thunder there as the 2000s were starting and kept it for myself, sorry there, Mark.
Dirg: plus, let's face it, Coven sucks. i know it's cool in an indie horror kind of way but the actors are all primping and preening and the girl isn't THAT hot so what's the point it's not worth it.
Laertus: it's just that.........Coven isn't that DEEP, you know? if you're gonna put your blood sweat tears and soul into a project, nearly die from the making of it, let the film you sacrificed it all for be Casablanca. you know? a real thinker, a real talker, a real discussion, not bad bloody chainsaw stuff in your backyard that has trees with no leaves.

Eye: see this is the bombshell, when we're introduced to Mark we don't know about his kids. i think of you as some lost soul like all of us in our 20s trying to find themself and you maybe live with your parents have a crappy job and are trying to make a movie to make a movie, it's your dream, you won't be stopped, the THREE KIDS tho throws a wrench in.
Mark: yeah i really need to take these dime jobs for my kids or they don't eat and they don't go to school.
Takahashi: hey delivering papers is COOL. especially at night and the early morning in a red Datsun around farms. it's like that arcade game Paperboy!!!

Mark's mom: i'm Swedish, can't you tell from my accent?
Mark's dad: i'm Mark's dad. i never got along with the family much. i was eventually kicked out for being a man. but strangely i moved just one house over and i sit on my TV chair all day looking out the window to the house i used to live at, i used to call home. the mother and i get along now this way, we exchange sugar and pleasantries and enjoy each other's company and go back home. 

Mark: i did a lot to stem the redneck stuff, you know? man the '90s were a different time, a MORE PLEASANT TIME to be alive as a human on Earth and especially in America. i mean in the '90s nobody gave a fuck who you voted for, politics was Top 10 not Top 1, politics were on the backburner, you could be me, you could be poor white trash but you were just a guy like Magic Johnson was just a guy. i wasn't white and rural and voted for Trump, i was a guy who loved metal music and football and drank at 7-Eleven and was following his dream of art. my parents and immediate circle of friends didn't help. see how they talked behind my back?!!!:

Mark's mom: do i think he'll be a successful filmmaker? i mean, no. this is going nowhere.
Mark: DAMN MOM!!! YOU'RE MY MOM!!! it's your JOB TO LIE TO YOUR SON!!! you're the ONE PERSON in life who should be telling me to follow my dream no matter how ludicrous!!! if i can't get encouragement from you, where do i get it? a priest?
Mark's brother: yeah Mark was smart but didn't apply himself in school. he wants the American Dream, the big house, the big car, the big girl, but right now his salary is $0 so how's that gonna work?
Mark: thanks, bro. nobody believes a word you say cos you're wearing a Hooters shirt!!!
Mark's other brother: yeah the family we all thought that Mark would become a serial killer.
Mark: i mean...

Eye: it's really cool how they show you struggling to pay your bills. that's the behind-the-scenes stuff of filmmaking, the stuff that's not glamorous, that no one sees, but you need to pay for that camera and that roll AND your rent and your tuition and your utilities excluding Facebook each month or your lease will be let go.
Mark: i still got debts from student loans and i didn't go to art school.

Laertus: your story is fascinating to me cos this is a viable way to go: the non-art school route, you didn't have money for school, or film supplies, you didn't get that SCHOLARSHIP HINT HINT. so instead of making a PBS short in your NYU dorm you do it all by yourself with no education, just reading the CliffsNotes on how to make a movie.
Mark: that CliffsNotes was written by James Gunn and Martin Scorsese.
Mike Schank: that Scorsese chick from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation?

Mike Schank: hi. i'm Mike Schank. i guess i became something of a cult hero, a film figure that people JUST LOVE AND ADORE cos of the way i talk, cos of my.........delayed reaction to things. i laugh WAY AFTER i tell the joke. i have what's called REDUCED AFFECT.........which is basically DELAYED affect. when you tell me sad news you think i should react SADDER, you know? my face should be MORE SAD than it is. i DO FEEL SAD THO. i just don't show it. i'm more empathetic than a serial killer that's for sure. i did all the music in this doc.
Mark: i love how you shred on that metal guitar blindfolded, man, but your sound is a little too Black Sabbath for copyright comfort, keep it more Fifty Shades of Grey.
Zalman King: ...

Mike Schank: think of Mark and me as Beavis and Butt-Head in real life. LOOK AT ME, I'M A HUGGABLE TEDDY BEAR!!!

Michael Weiss: it's lonely for me this time of year. i finally get the American Movie references i saw on Greg the Bunny and Family Guy that i didn't get before. 

Eye: those 3 kids are so cute tho.
Mark: thanks. i let my kids swear, i got good auditory senses. as American as apple pie and cocaine.

mom: Mark, where are you going?
Mark: to pick up my friend, the one with the blond mullet. from jail.
mom: that guy was a bad influence on Mark.
Mark: i know but he was the only one who would do the movie with me so what was i supposed to do?

Mark: can i borrow $3000 to make this movie? i'm not trying to stiff an old man but you're my only rich relative. 
Uncle Bill: it's okay, i hoard all my money under the mattress, i don't trust banks. i'm a millionaire i have $450,000 that nobody knows where it is. located in a safe buried in the backyard. 
Mark: okay but then why do we both live in a double-wide trailer? don't worry you'll recoup, you'll get all your money back. we're using Bank of America not Chase. all i have to sell is 3,185,092 VHS tapes, VHS tapes are the greatest things now.

the extended family at a Wisconsin Denny's.
Mark's dad: it's so sad, my older brother Mark's uncle Bill used to be a university intellectual at the University of Wisconsin, in philosophy not beer science. he knew EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD, every complicated concept and topic, he taught me the world. now he just wants to die, he's RACING TO HIS GRAVE. he doesn't want to talk about philosophy anymore he wants to talk about NOTHING. except his regrets, his grievances mostly, the fact that he's so old he's got a turkey waddle for a neck the skin is stretched SO THIN and his head is hunched down to his knees that he can barely breathe, he wheezes and gasps mostly and doesn't want to talk about it.

Mike: don't listen to the screaming auditions with your earbuds on.

Mark: don't you love my casual Satanism? i believe in Jesus Christ sure but i believe in The Devil in equal measure. the sacred and the profane. heaven and hedonism combined. helping your neighbor vs. asking your neighbor to make a movie. 

Mark: it's pronounced COH-ven. it doesn't matter how it sounds!!! what's important is the WORK!! 
fancypants local Shakespearean actor with top hat and cape: Mark has gone through many struggles getting Coven completed, it's taken 3 years to complete 5 minutes of film. but what i admire about Mark is he has remained equanimous throughout this grueling process.
Mark: you think i don't know big words? i use a large-word vocabulary in my speech pattern!!! i bring it to fruition like my film!!! i know i'm not dumb i'm a genius!!! i'm not a hapless hick. i'm not redneck reefer, i'm dispelling that myth of people from Wisconsin with this doc. i coulda gotten straight As in college, i look like van Gogh if he were a punker with glasses.
fancypants: it's fine, just put an umlaut above the o in Coven.

Mark kneeling down in the snow: come on people we're burning daylight out here!!! ESPECIALLY TODAY THE WINTER SOLSTICE, there is the LEAST amount of sunlight available!!! look at this cool 16mm camera i'm holding!!! with the two reels of film mounted, this is old-skool baby, this is a '90s camera!!!

marketer: how would you describe Coven?
Mark: it's Boggy Depot by Jerry Cantrell.

Mike Schank: i do whatever Mark tells me to do cos he is my friend, i know he's my friend cos we drank vodka together. i have a hardcore addiction to scratch-off tickets but that's not real gambling that's just the lottery.

Laertus: okay that was cool. did you see that? Mark is arguing with his baby mama on the driveway next to the Golf car and for a second you don't know if this is a SCENE or REAL. turns out it was real, that was real arguing!!! not a scene. this was about custody not a fictional crime.

Mark's girlfriend snapping beans in a bowl: Mark wants to make something of his life, he wants to do better, he wants to IMPROVE HIMSELF. but we all want to improve ourself that's why i love him, i see his willingness to grow and i want to change with him.
Eye: omg can i just say that i LOVE YOU TWO AS A COUPLE!!!
Laertus: WE BOTH DO!!!
Eye, smiling from ear to ear: Laertus and i were hugging as we watched your cute courtship at the circus!!! omg Mark, this woman is perfect for you, please tell us you didn't do something stupid and she left you forever. 
Mark: she dumped me. rightfully so. but then i flowers'd her with cemetery flowers and she took me back thank god and the devil.
Eye: that's good to know!!! i hope you two are married forever!!! she's so good for you, Mark, she's that older seasoned woman who's been around the block, she's been through it, been through the fire, she's been through the ringers and rigors of life, she can teach you so much about life, that is SO HOT!!! lovey-dovey with a Golden Girl.
me: omg that scene when Favre finally wins the Super Bowl for the Green Bay Packers and Mark storms off after a heated confrontation about his rudderless life with his mom in the tiny kitchen, that is SO ME. i do the same thing at big worldwide sporting events, i become existential and think about my life as i see others living out their dream on the sports field. i feel so intensely how i've wasted my life when i see Eli Manning beat Tom Brady. i decry my lack of a social life when i see Pele score that World Cup goal. 

me: okay that cemetery is reminding me of dad and i'm sad now. COOL DOUBLE-BLADED VACUUM!!! yeah there's just something spooky about vacuuming the red carpet of a cemetery.
Mark: you see me powering through here? others would not have, they would given up on their dream, but i SOLDIER ON UNDETERRED. i hate people who don't try to better themselves each and every day. i have to literally PICK UP SHIT off the bathroom walls of a cemetery for my job but i don't think about that the next day, i drive to the edit bay and get to the cement splicing!!!

Mark: is the University of Milwaukee open on snow days? how ironic is this, the only time i ever properly set foot on a college campus is when i need to edit my movie and they have rooms, but it's not me here as a student, i'm getting a taste of the good life. this is blue-collar editing, this is old-skool splicing!!! we do it manually by hand!!! no computers here, no 3DCGI here, sir!!! we need that special glue.........that you will NOT HUFF, right Mike?
Mike: right.
Mark: we can't have a scene missing!!! what is this, an Ingmar Bergman movie?!!! Mike, what is the point of all this hard work?
Mike: sex, power, money, fame.
Mark: yeah okay i'm in.

Mark: whoa cool look at that long line of people that snakes around to the back of the theater!!! just for my little movie?!!! 
Ron Howard: Splash vibes.
Mark: and someone wants MY AUTOGRAPH on their VHS box!!! 

Laertus: i was SO PROUD to see your finished film on that screen up there. i cried tears of joy. that is AN ACCOMPLISHMENT, IT'S FUCKING HARD TO MAKE A FILM!!! this is quite the achievement, do you feel a sense of satisfaction for a job well done?
Mark: thanks. 
Laertus: i love your process of writing your scripts, you use your own personal screaming matches with people in your real life and COPY THOSE ARGUMENTS WORD FOR WORD into the script, those are the lines the actors say, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I WRITE!!!

Mark: thank you everybody in the audience turning into a crowd for my movie. thank you for the applause. it's just splatter but thank you. we had to do some PhotoShop there but thank you. is Darren Aronofsky in the audience by any chance? i want to be Darren Aronofsky so bad.

Laertus: i'd just to shake your hand and thank you once again for coming to the podcast, Mark Borchardt, it was a pleasure and an absolute honor. you are an INSPIRATION for me and billions of others. to never give up, to follow your dream when your dream is impossible.  
Mark: thanks. delinquent makes good, eh? i'm not behind on my child-support payments, i just want your audience to know that, g'night folks.

Uncle Bill: Mark, focus on spiritual matters but don't become a priest. help your friends, your friends cannot eat money but Bigfoot can. you can't be happy but you can make others happy. 
Roger Ebert: this movie was hilarious.........but also very very sad.........kinda like me when i tried to make a movie.
Uncle Bill: who asked you?

Michaela From Safeway: hello? i'm using the landline.
Lucio: hey.
Michaela: omg you actually answered!!! do you EVER answer your phone?
Lucio: no.
Michaela: i know it!!! i hear the horror stories about you from Avo and the narrator. 
Lucio: what's up?
Michaela: life isn't about accumulating wealth or artistic fame. it's not about completing college. not about renown but about the rebound. life is about FAMILY. that's it, it's about people.
Lucio: and am i your family?
Michaela: yes of course, cos i have no friends. that is i have no family so my friends ARE family. and i never want to see my family hurt in any way. 
Lucio: so i'm a friend of yours?
Michaela From Safeway: silly. you have a chance to become my ACTUAL family, wink wink.