1. you have separated from your siginificant other for six months. an attractive, attentive neighbor has paid you flattering attention. it is obvious he/she wishes to take the relationship further. do you:
a) dismiss him/her, you're in a committed relationship
b) continue to flirt but go no further
c) fantasize about him/her, but take care of your sexual needs solo
d) let the affair become physical
if you masturbate in front of a consenting woman, is that still considered solo? Louis CK is back on the road...
2. a male coworker who you've heard is great in bed and very well-endowed has been flirting with you a lot. he obvi wishes to start a relationship. do you:
a) make it clear to him you're not interested
b) flirt with him but go no further
c) mentally undress him and wonder what he'd be like in bed
d) let the relationship become sexual
i just want to hang out with Frank Thomas. at the gym and then we go out to get cheese fries together. all the sweat we earned at the gym drips into the fries and we don't need no more grease. and then The Big Hurt turns around his big head and winks at me with his patented wink. my knees weaken and buckle. i am knocked-out...…...metaphorically of course...
3. your significant other is impotent most of the time, showing little interest in you and little interest in being sexual. do you:
a) resign yourself to no sex
b) satisfy your needs with masturbation
c) find somebody who can satisfy you sexually but remain with your SO
d) leave him/her
it was a dire case of be careful what you wish for. of going the other way too hard. i had been impotent most of my life. not cum-wise, i mean i always considered myself a weakling in fights, unable to take on the pressures of the world, ready to go and hide at the drop of an Anubis House pin. then i met the man who i'd give my life for. actually i still don't know if he's a man, a robot, an android, or some sort of reincarnated ghost in a bulging muscle body, but he was my roommate. i became One-Punch Man that day...the only drawback is we can't have sex cos...you know...
4. the last time you and your mate had sex, were you:
a) concentrating on him/her and didn't orgasm
b) thinking about your pleasure and theirs
c) concentrating mainly on just your pleasure
d) using his/her body to reach your own orgasm
i don't mean to be selfish but if i don't orgasm, i fall asleep. i woke up in a strange bed...in a loft of hay in a barn out in a foreign countryside. i picked myself up by the bootstraps and that's when i first realized i was wearing blue overalls. i've never worn blue overalls in my life. i smelled my fingers and they were all vinegar. i heard about something like this on the internet. it took me six months walking without sleep to reach the main road. everyone kept calling me "mate." i breathed a sigh of relief when i saw Prince William coming in on a white horse as he gave me the finger. i knew i was home in the UK. i breathed out and began my dream, living like those kids on Skins...
5. what kind of partner do you prefer whilst making love or having sex?
a) tender loving slow and sweet
b) i don't care, just do me, it's been awhile...
c) touch and take-charge, i like it rough
d) any lovin' is good lovin'
i want 9 1/2 Weeks......but in reverse. i want the woman to feed me the food. the eggs and the honey are nice but what i'm really interested in is the celery. save all the celery for me when i'm asleep. and then i realize as these torrid months fly on that it will never work out...mostly cos i'm crazy. so i drop myself off at the mental institution. and i wait...and i wait...and i count back from 50...to 1...and then i start the countdown again...as i pace back and forth the halls of the tax-exempt asylum...
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HAPPY HALLOWEEN, MY BABIES!!! remember, don't eat any unwrapped candy until a Power Ranger can eat it for you