Monday, October 28, 2019


1. you have separated from your siginificant other for six months. an attractive, attentive neighbor has paid you flattering attention. it is obvious he/she wishes to take the relationship further. do you:

a) dismiss him/her, you're in a committed relationship
b) continue to flirt but go no further
c) fantasize about him/her, but take care of your sexual needs solo
d) let the affair become physical

if you masturbate in front of a consenting woman, is that still considered solo? Louis CK is back on the road...

2. a male coworker who you've heard is great in bed and very well-endowed has been flirting with you a lot. he obvi wishes to start a relationship. do you:

a) make it clear to him you're not interested
b) flirt with him but go no further
c) mentally undress him and wonder what he'd be like in bed
d) let the relationship become sexual

i just want to hang out with Frank Thomas. at the gym and then we go out to get cheese fries together. all the sweat we earned at the gym drips into the fries and we don't need no more grease. and then The Big Hurt turns around his big head and winks at me with his patented wink. my knees weaken and buckle. i am knocked-out...…...metaphorically of course...

3. your significant other is impotent most of the time, showing little interest in you and little interest in being sexual. do you:

a) resign yourself to no sex
b) satisfy your needs with masturbation
c) find somebody who can satisfy you sexually but remain with your SO
d) leave him/her

it was a dire case of be careful what you wish for. of going the other way too hard. i had been impotent most of my life. not cum-wise, i mean i always considered myself a weakling in fights, unable to take on the pressures of the world, ready to go and hide at the drop of an Anubis House pin. then i met the man who i'd give my life for. actually i still don't know if he's a man, a robot, an android, or some sort of reincarnated ghost in a bulging muscle body, but he was my roommate. i became One-Punch Man that day...the only drawback is we can't have sex know...

4. the last time you and your mate had sex, were you:

a) concentrating on him/her and didn't orgasm
b) thinking about your pleasure and theirs
c) concentrating mainly on just your pleasure
d) using his/her body to reach your own orgasm

i don't mean to be selfish but if i don't orgasm, i fall asleep. i woke up in a strange a loft of hay in a barn out in a foreign countryside. i picked myself up by the bootstraps and that's when i first realized i was wearing blue overalls. i've never worn blue overalls in my life. i smelled my fingers and they were all vinegar. i heard about something like this on the internet. it took me six months walking without sleep to reach the main road. everyone kept calling me "mate." i breathed a sigh of relief when i saw Prince William coming in on a white horse as he gave me the finger. i knew i was home in the UK. i breathed out and began my dream, living like those kids on Skins...

5. what kind of partner do you prefer whilst making love or having sex?

a) tender loving slow and sweet
b) i don't care, just do me, it's been awhile...
c) touch and take-charge, i like it rough
d) any lovin' is good lovin'

i want 9 1/2 Weeks......but in reverse. i want the woman to feed me the food. the eggs and the honey are nice but what i'm really interested in is the celery. save all the celery for me when i'm asleep. and then i realize as these torrid months fly on that it will never work out...mostly cos i'm crazy. so i drop myself off at the mental institution. and i wait...and i wait...and i count back from 1...and then i start the countdown i pace back and forth the halls of the tax-exempt asylum...


HAPPY HALLOWEEN, MY BABIES!!! remember, don't eat any unwrapped candy until a Power Ranger can eat it for you

Friday, October 25, 2019



* please follow me

* is there really a difference between Miller and Miller Lite?......

* not the start of a Mister Rogers thing

* what happened? i pushed the button but nothing happened.

* man in apartment: okay i'll only take Vince Vaughn and the girl, everyone else, scram.

* man in apartment: OKAY! i'll stop dating Katy Perry!

* whoa, this whole time i coulda gotten my daily exercise running down this sturdy trellis by my window!

* man: what's the picture for, gramps?
gramps: just my insurance.
grandma: you tramp stamp!

* come on, i thought no foodie bloggers ever go to the back where the trash bins full of restaurant heap and mess are.

* Anthony Anderson: i don't follow go or stop. i'm Anthony Anderson.

* oh shit, don't cross the streams!

* woman: look, look, i crushed the svelte mannequin, that must count for something!

* woman: i'm envious of you.
mob: come on.
woman: there's more of you to love. and i can't pull off the sweater-dress look like you can.

* bouncer: so yeah, see this white tablet? Samsung's better. Tesla invented the light bulb, Edison was just a business man. and we don't need any more fucking businessmen.
Judge Judy: excuse me, peer! as in you pee!

* Judge Judy: try the new Toasted Cheddar Chalupa! only at Taco Bell! i'm a Taco Bell Girlfriend!

* the store is named after Ben Jealous. community policing, let's see if it works...

* now this IS that underwater Taco Bell commercial

* girl with selfie stick: this makes me look longer. never mind the construction, it's only a sign, there hasn't been infrastructure construction since 2020...

* mob: OMG! LOOK!
John Cleese: thank you.
mob: NO, THE DOG!!!
John Cleese: fuck young people, in my day we made you dance and sing about sperm.

* patron 1: is is too sweet or too sour? i can't tell.
patron 2: you need a special downward knob on your camera to take the food pic or it doesn't count.
patron 3: YOU CRACKED MY CRAB LEGS!!! i was playing with that! that was my Legos! that was my Playmobil!

* man: guys, i have somewhere VERY important to be. a bar.
mob: business meeting?
man: no i need to get hammered because reality is shit. look! fine! take my shoes, you rabid animals! but you must promise me one thing: you have to wash my feet after, it's only fair.
Haley Joel Osment, leader of the mob: okay, we'll buy the Bombas socks instead.
man: they give those out for free at soup kitchens.

* Haley: hey, can you wipe this windshield for us? the mob can't see. and where are the washer girls in jeans short shorts and bubbles coming out of their mouths?

* man: oh hey Maria Sharapova! what are you doing here!?
Maria: turns out i really like drugs. i don't drink.

* man: i have zero followers, two friends.
black friend: yeah, but your two friends are Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg.

* Miller Lite: you can only watch our content if you're a drunk. we're trying to come up with a catchphrase as iconic as IT'S MILLER TIME ever since Mueller turned out to be a bust. we were the first social media, so in honor, we are staying off social media for two weeks. in other words, we've been shadowbanned.

* Miller Lite: go outside and hang out with your two friends.
Phoenix: do you know how hot it is outside right now?
Miller Lite: we know but do it anyway. it's good exercise, sweat off half your body weight.
Phoenix: a few pounds? so i can pound a few of your cold ones? it's so hot i can't breathe…...something is wrong with our planet, folks...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: The Cheez-It Pizza...…...i thought the crust would be a bunch of cheez-its but it turns out it's a pizza that looks like a huge cheez-it...huh...touche...i guess they win...

Wednesday, October 23, 2019


Pence: madams, please hold for the President.

two first-ever-women-spacewalkers: no. *click*

President Bump: hello? they hung up on me. is my hair hanging good? good hair day? any lice, scum in there? is it maintaining the Mobius-strip flip? Masha, is that you? no, that's just YOU in a grey babushka wig!

Maria Butina: hey, once a spy, always a spy.

Rubikon: you got blood on your hands.

Bump: who the fuck are you? you got a meanness to you, i can sense it. game recognize game.

Rubikon: you caused The Honourable Elijah Cummings's death. his heart attack was caused by the stress YOU placed on everybody in the country trying their darndest to follow the law as they scoot your illegal ass out!

Bump: check my papers. i don't read. hey it isn't my fault, you coulda just waited for the Election. one heart attack i DIDN'T cause was the Washington Nationals, they are the Team of Destiny like i was, that's all cos of me, wouldn't have happened otherwise, I saved that manager's death, i heard he has a weak heart.

Rubikon: cos he didn't vote for you?

Bump: hey does this Storming of the Castle room that we did and i planned mean i can finally say i was in a war and you can lay off about the bone-spurs thing? hello? he left. get it?

Bump: see? i'm better than the Generals. be sure to take many pictures of the SCIF and post them on Instagram. i never go down there cos it smells like Lemon Pledge.

Trent Reznor: i'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side...

Bump: right?

Laertus: from now on i'm ONLY drinking Modelo beer! and i don't even drink.

Dirg: i drink socially but i'm still antisocial.

Sondland: call me baby?

Taylor: call you maybe. as in never.

thr Berkut storm the castle. of something. turns out, it's the headquarters of Fire Force 8 from the Fire Force anime. this causes Putin to chuckle. nobody knows this---not even his mother---but Putin is a HARDCORE otaku. like he hides schoolgirl stuff under his pillow at night.

Doryce and Gladyce are wearing their matching 7 For All Mankind jeans as they forage at the in the Gourmet Grazing on the Green holding wine glasses on their tongues.

Doryce: getting on, dear?

Gladyce: sorry, dear. i had to be outside. i couldn't be in that Treehouse anymore with the orange mood lighting, it was too small a light, i kept tripping and stumbling over the house, too dark for my old eyes.

Doryce: you can never kill the mood. i do hope i find a brown cow in here, i've been meaning to tell that cow something. hey, where's the Icehouse music in the background?, i'm still not done with The Fridge.

Gladyce: people mislabel Icehouse, they think they're just a bunch of dirty Aussies in the outback, but they're actually more like refined New Zealanders.

Doryce: right, listen to their entire catalogue, they're actually more like Australian Spandau Ballet.

Ariana Grande is at the izakaya, waiting for her next boyfriend to show up so she can meet him and restart her life...

Gladyce holds in one hand a McRib from McDonald's and in her other a Sausage N Egg McMuffin from McDonalds. she chews slowly to capture each essence separately then mixes the two flavors together with her tongue.

Doryce: enjoying?

Gladyce: i've never had these two specific sandwiches together at the same time in the same meal. i'm savoring. these are strong scents, but there are stronger scents for our noses. cos they signal the special place only we can go to this time of year. meat is wafty, but i smell something stronger and more magical in those weeds. you smell it, too?

Doryce: starting to.

Doryce picks at a tuft, smells around at a few flowers, but zeroes in on something hidden in the deep roots. it's the sound of...

Doryce: PUMPKIN SPICE AIR FRESHENER! i'm getting two! they will be so cute for our new bathroom! and they'll constantly remind us.

Gladyce: oh jolly ho! i am so happy! we were DESPERATE for that good gas! we were using that godawful broken bottle of Poop Juice Potpourri with the bee-handle-stick missing, didn't clear the air at all! i was reduced to pouring the liquid into the toilet-bowl water before each flush! do you mind if i use the Pumpkin Spice Spray constantly?! like all the time? i want to spray it once every hour so our bathroom will have a permanent pie-stench on the walls.

Doryce: you go right ahead, babe. you poo like a girl. like a girl who is finally free to poo in society and the world. i want you to poo to your heart's content. i want you to poo a ton, until there's a metric ton of poo in there.

Gladyce: ready for our adventure, lover? send us to the nearest pasture clearing full of orange leaves, wooden talismen, and naked trees!

Bump: i still say it's so cool that you can just walk down any quaint village street through a line of people without a bodyguard.

Boris Johnson: well not now.

Bump: i had to languish as i made all the stone steps of the swirly staircase up to the last room high in the Tower to visit you here. what did you do?

Bojo: i was born to greatness. and i didn't do my homework. despite all ten of my fingers in these tight iron shackle heavy fingergloves, i'm still managing to write the UK Constitution onto this parchment here buried in the hay with the pigs rolling around on it. i don't need your help. i do but i don't. can you perchance ask the Negotiator to come in now? he's right behind that heavy door there.

Bump: i told him he was fired. he laughed at me with that unsettling Kawhi laugh. well, seems you have it all under control here, so easy peasy lemon squeezey. see ya see ya wouldn't want to be ya.

Bojo: that's difficult difficult lemon difficult in British. ah, The Queen, send her in!

Bump: hey queenie, you really need to install a StairMaster on this spiral staircase, you know?

The Queen: done? i'm NOT going down into those Catacombs and the weird goofy parchments in those cubbyholes! that place is dustier than ME!!!

Bojo: yes i am quite finished. what's the way, Madam? what's the way out of this, My Queen and Your Majesty?

The Queen: the only way is Essex.

Bojo: why didn't we do this a LONG time ago?

The Queen: cos i was watching The Only Way Is Essex. hey don't blame me, YOU people wanted Meghan Markle, it's HER fault nothing will ever get done as long as she's in this Castle house.

Bojo: as Queen. i still haven't met her, can you believe it? i mean what's the point of being PM then? first thing i do when i win reelection for my infinity term is i put the Thames into all the guardhouses.

The Queen: Bo, less flapping gums, more chewing Wrigley gum as you write. gum will be the only food you will ever eat again the rest of your life.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh how future sex will have the same problems as present sex. also, where are you from? where do you come from? and watch out for those Cuban women, they are armed. all those Cuban women are filled with irresistible salsa.

Bump: i envy them. those Cuban chicas. i'm NOT a bucket of bolts, that's what's scary...

Laertus: even though you look like Frankenstein. that's what you go as every Halloween, right sir? you have the perfect body for Frankenstein every year!

Eye: just need the green facepaint, already got the neck bolts. as i always say about The Munsters...

Dirg: so the new SVU cop's a Lebanese lesbian, right? i read that in the Lesbian Examiner.

Laertus: that was the PERFECT thing for them to do! perfect response! they have Liv's little fro-hellion kid think baseball is BORING---perfect timing---cos he wants to fucking DANCE!!! so he opts for and joins the ballet! and of course he's the only boy in the ballet class for miles! perfect response to Lara Spencer! you go, son! spread your thin-leotard-tight wings and fly!!!

Bump: see this troubles me, boys are being raised wacky these days. why isn't Bojo the Future King of England?

Blue Stan Lee makes his last call:

Stan: i have to go away for a while. to recharge. but Francis Ford, you hurt me, you really did. i'll be leaving with a sour taste in my mouth. we New York guys have to stick together.

Francis Ford Coppola: i'm sorry Stan, you're my friend for afterlife. i really don't want to make you cry. wow, this is the first time the world is seeing you cry, Stan. no. the world needs you to be forever happy and eternally hopeful and ovally optimistic. it's just they get me so mad! nobody saw The Rain People. that's what i wanted to do, FUCK the Godfather Sequels!!! they MADE me do them. like i'm some scadushe anime Dragon Suck My Balls sensei or whatever. and then i see on the big screen at my home theatre this black bitch who controls the weather!! nuh uh, no WAY, not in my house! i did that first, I controlled the rain first. no more of these millennial black bitches. i control the rain goddammit! Maria LaRosa PLEASE COME BACK. now i'm crying rain!

Rubikon joins the Red Circle Table and he seems to fit in, he slips in like butta, like a banana peel fueling a jet plane, like he was always there and always meant to be there and he's the perfect fit for it:

Rubikon: i like you, holmes.

Llywarch: well i'm glad SOMEONE does. at this table. i have friends in the other world, i straddle worlds.

Rubikon: like a sex machine no doubt, with those hooves of yours. Thanks, Algorithm. right? it should be Thanks, Algorithm instead of Thanks, Obama. Mandela Effect. what's up with Childish Gambino? right? he actually got up on a stage for one of these endless needless award shows and thanked not God but THE ALGORITHM!!! he thanked The Algorithm. *eyes widen* i mean...

Dirg: that Matthew McConaughey commercial tho…

Eye: Matthew is kind enough to join us right now. brought to you by KIND bars.

Matthew McConaughey emerges from out of a huge cloud of pink smoke. he drops to the road floor, stays motionless for a long minute, but then pops right back up again on his spurs and eats his ten-gallon cowboy hat with 20 little bites.

Matthew: unscathed. like a snake *hsssssss*

Eye: you are amazing! you are a miracle! how'd you survive all that?

Matthew: it's what i tell kids. not my kids but kids. only I, TV's Matthew McConaughey, can survive vaping. it's all bubblegum-flavored now as you can see. it's not for kids. it kills kids. more than low self-esteem kills kids. i survive and survive alone cos of my Texan accent. i have a Texan accent that when i say something, i can coerce ANYBODY to do ANYTHING.

Eye: 9 1/2 Weeks and go! wow!

Eye: as we all agree, there is NOTHING like soft-core! the way it's filmed, the saturation, you know you're in for a good story with your porn, it's porn with a purpose. filmed on a feathery lens, a travelogue of interspersed feasts for the eyes before you get down to the main course. i am ashamed i didn't value Zalman King enough to service him when he hit the big time with a feature. his wallet i mean, not there. patronize him---yuck! i hate that word! for all the pleasure Fox Mulder has given me for all the years of my life, it's only fair. we ALL owe Zalman a debt of gratitude!

Dirg: WELL THE FOOD SCENE HAPPENED! don't say that was a waste of food! it was the '80s, there was still food back then.

Gordon Ramsay: that scene inspired me to become a chef.

Laertus: i really loved this. there was something so sensuous and sumptuous about it. you're right, dear, it IS a travelogue! a wonderful free travelogue of New York City! The City in all its glory: the mess, the smells, the wafting sewer steam, the catcalling hardhatters, the weird squiggly things on sticks---delicacy food---the even weirder toys which run on air and magic, not batteries, clanking fair tabletops. and the nice scarf.

Dirg: watch it, that's weird Chinese food, they've taken over by now.

Eye: honestly my favorite part of the film is the kid farting the Jaws theme. Zalman really knows how to capture spontaneous human life. you're sensing my priorities. when he leaves her alone on that Ferris wheel eternally spinning up and down, that is a real nightmare i have of my eternity when i die. not funny. i got tips for days from this film! look, the food scene is sexy, but yeah, actually, it IS a waste of food! how did he get all that food?! it was all right there at his fingertips, ALL food and ANY food, anything he could imagine, all at his disposal. it's cool and all it just went on for WAY too long.

Dirg: you could tell Kim Basinger was starting to get sick of it around the part where the honey is shot in her mouth like cum. look at her face, it's starting to scrunch up. like Meg Ryan's face but annoyed. thank you, Kim, for teaching me the best place to masturbate is in a movie theatre. ah the '80s, back when there was still such a thing as high-stakes oil-painting for-profit profiteering, bargaining and lucrative secret double-dealing trading, hiding a painting under your long overcoat when you go eat out at a darkened indoor oyster pit. full of dames with pearls and Mobius scarves. and backstabbing friends/coworkers. when the girl is still hot crossdressing as a man and you want to fuck her as this new man, that still isn't gay, right?

Eye: that doesn't exist anymore. sadly. nobody does paintings anymore. Banksy has cornered the ENTIRE market these days. no French Lupin jewel-and-artwork heists anymore. at least not in Paris. it's a shame. imma start painting.

Laertus: dinner parties are where art critics REALLY let loose after a couple of wine glasses and tell their fellow-traveler critics how they REALLY feel about their biting criticism. with harsh jokes about their coworkers. i just love the panoply of The City at night, the energy, the Annie Lennox, the heartbeat, the streets lined with Broadway lights, everywhere hangs green French-ticklers in greasy packages with a French black model on the front showcasing her naked wares, it's all very human of sex and intimacy, of different people trying to come together to better understand each other.

Eye: but seriously, how DID the dude know the woman would take to his blindsiding out-of-the-blue S&M ways?

Dirg: S&M is not the same as being sadomasochistic. now me, personally, i'd report him to the cops, the cops are your friends. these high-strung Wall Street types MUST relieve pressure in some way. like a blood clot in the pan of the head. not good to keep it all in, all you're doing is selling other people's money, that's depressing the more you think too hard on it. you know Mickey Rourke in this is like what Lyle Lovett would have looked like if Lyle had been born normal. heart-shaped ass, every man needs a chick with a heartshaped ass.

Eye: and then, to the film's credit, we see PROOF of Kim's very heart-shaped ass! nice work, Show. Red Flag Warning: the guy may be fire, but if he "doesn't want to see your friends", get out now.

Laertus: yeah, the troubling aspects of "'80s rape", where it's not really rape, it's still party rape, or it's to teach the woman a lesson, for her own good, but it's not really rape, it's just pulling at her apron strings a bit tight, it's more about dominance...who wears the pants when the pants come off...sigh, oh well...and of course you need a Rolling Stone at the party to make this soft-core porn legitimate. then it becomes just arty.

Dirg: hey, as bad as it was, this was a TAMED-down watered-down version of the BOOK! the BOOK was dark as fuck! in the book the dude was basically a sociopath who forced the girl to commit armed robbery in an elevator just so he could get off. then he dumps her at a mental institution and she never sees him again. talk about just sex. the author committed suicide.

Eye: sigh, that makes me depressed. i'm gonna have to contact the Power Rangers on that one. there are too many magazines in the world. please, everybody, you don't have to kill yourselves to make your art legitimate.

Dirg: Kim was a little too proud to kick that mugger in the balls. and then of course that gets them off enough that they have sex in the sewer rain. i mean this couple was so hard-wired their wires had frayed, they couldn't get off anymore, they literally had to force muggers with wielding knives to run-chase after them in the night New York streets before they could erect again. speaking of scenes which lasted too long, that last scene…

Eye: right? the so-called watered-down ending. i mean it's sweet and gauzy and everything, but. he will count to 3...or was it 100?...and won't turn around till she comes back to him, knocks on his apartment door again, and the breakup never happened. it wasn't an insanely nonsensical lustful instinctual fling, it was lasting love. then Mickey Rourke counts...and waits...and turns around...and turns his head back so all we see is his apartment fern-ficus...and keeps 1000000...

Madame Pons: TURN THE CAMERAS OFF! unless you're gonna look at this bed's ticking. wonderful ticking on this bed!

Sue Su: *head full of water* no wait. you want to see my cunt, fine, i'm lowering my pants. see? nothing there, there are no tattoos by my pussy.

the online audience crowd mob gasps in livestream.

Sue Su: nobody EVER looks at my eyes. see?

Sue's eyes have pink crystals in their pupils. which sparkle.

Madame Pons: oh Sue dear. you did that with surgery? you don't need to modify, you're perfect as you are. you are desirable and lovable. i know this cos i love you. bring it in everyone.

the three of them (Takahashi) group-hug.

Madame Pons: let's go home everybody. we're all too anxious in this world. i get so anxious whenever i scroll through my Instagram and see a million anxiety coaches.

Takahashi: good idea. i need to get away for awhile.

Dirg: HEY TAKAHASHI! hate to ruin the moment but let's go on the Wendy's Feast of Legends, just the two of us. all the levels, all the areas. we need to make up for lost time. catch down. we need a cleansing adventure.

Cotard: so...Scientology.

Dirg: Scientology?

Cotard: yeah. i wasn't sure at first, especially all the alien stuff, but the more i looked into it the more i realized about myself. i researched myself: i need to belong to something bigger than myself for me to feel anything inside. if it's just me, i'm doomed. with Scientology, i'm part of a group, i matter cos we're all working toward something big. i feel good about myself, i'm a cog in the cabal, you know? makes me feel like i'm worth it, like my choices and the croutons and citrus i eat will be recorded in time.

Dirg: i can't do this anymore. my life has become impossible to live. no more fastfooding only to video-game. solely to score high on a screen. where my daily life consists of two things and two things only: two desires i need to quelch: getting fried food down my piehole and masturbating to my Instagram. scrolling, jacking, and ingesting. i hate this but...…...fuck, okay, fine, i'll go back to school. Obec University here i come. college lectures again...yay?

Cotard: i figured you'd cave, so i went ahead and behind your back signed you up for 60 courses this upcoming semester. you gotta catch up, right? don't worry, i know you, they're all art classes, graphic novels you'll be penciling.

Dirg: the Melissa Maker A-ha "Take On Me" music-video graphic novel?

Cotard: no, the Mueller Report graphic novel.


Dirg: there's something about this time of year, it's hard to quit. McDonald's always introduces back the McRib this time of year, it's cool and apt and apropos. and on the app this year. it's the sandwich for the season. that rib pattie inbetween two orange leaves. and candy for dessert.

Bump: hey, yous coming with us? joining the rest of us on the field trip? gonna go around the neighborhood streets begging for candy? hey what are you wearing?

Dirg: *head spinning* me? o sir, this is just my...uh...British punk costume...yeah, i'm wearing it ironically, i'm making fun of that whole leftist culture. or is it rightist culture? it's all the same now. right? you proved that.

Bump: what? couldn't hear you, kid. i'm going to the cinema tonight. my handlers tell me i REALLY need to take the lesson from this clown film.

Dirg: Joker? cos Cancel Culture destroyed the world, that's why we have Joker.

Bump: no, Wrinkles The Clown.

Dirg looks off into the edge of the hills. as the last remaining bit of sun removes its bath on all the rolling paths. bike treads and children wandering are heard in the distance, chilly crisp red Elliott hood-sweaters everywhere, all in costume, whispering their secret candy loot, picking up for the first time a stray French-tickler in their white pillowcase bag, ungloved, cold, used, sticky like candy. green glow-sticks lose their luster trying to compete for trying to outshine the bold unquenchable night sky filled to the brim with stars. and emerging from below the city streets, wafting out onto the open air and into every nook and cranny and little square hole of every window of every house of every block in the entire network of neighborhoods encircling the College Proper: suburban sauce. every roof, every cloud, every road sign, staining every leaf of every tree. the heavy piquant stench of McRib is everywhere.

Monday, October 21, 2019


1. can you handle the truth? yes cos i'm a Scientologist now

2. a couple of October holidays are coming up. do you participate in Halloween or Dia de los Muertos? how?

Dia de los Muertos is that lucha libre thing, right? where you put on facepaint and sprout wings and fly and wrestle into the pile with the rest of the man-birds for the last concha. then later you wrestle with Concha at her moonlit apartment overlooking the earthquake cracks. Jack Black was an athlete before he became an actor......wrestling? no, it's gotta be roller-derby, right?...

3. do your parents/parent like your significant other?

no, they hate him. which is kinda sad cos my significant other is me.

4. right now what do you need most: love or validation?


i'd say getting my parking validated but i've never driven...

5. you are singing in the shower. what song do you want to belt out?


BONUS: what's your damage?

see, there are a lot of good scripts out there. but what raises a film above? wordsmithing.

you know the best part of Heathers? it's that the author created a brand new term. when you can create a whole other way for people to express ourselves not heretofore entered into the lexicon, that humans now use regularly, a new word, a new turn of phrase, a new concept, a new idea, that's when you move from good to ICONIC.

Heathers CREATED what's your damage!!!


Friday, October 18, 2019



* don't worry we're bypassing the rap to kids about how sugar is so not cool and instead of soda buy a fizz machine for your water. when you go to college in 13 years. too bad and get over it.

* Christine Lahti: too bathroomy…

* Christine Lahti: hi, i'm TV's Christine Lahti. i'll be your hostess this evening. if you have any questions, go to the bathroom.

* oh you ALMOST did the hands with the sunlight peeking through thing that ALMOST constituted a Taco Bell Boyfriend.

* fat yogess: what? don't you give me credit for improving myself instead of staying home the rest of my life? i can show you new techniques.
thin yogess: Downward Hippo?
fat yogess: you know in other cultures fatness is a sign of wisdom. they call it heavenly heft.
thin yogess: i mean are you even ALLOWED to be in a yoga dojo? no i'm serious about that. at least water all the plants around you. not by going to the bathroom.
fat yogess: they're ficuses, right? they don't need water, right?
thin yogess: a little sodawater. and freshen up the lilypads by dancing on them.

* orange leotard: hey red, you're too skinny to be a wrestler!
red leotard: Hulk Hogan was twice as skinny as me as a kid. and he grew up to make a sex tape! my secret weapon is ballet! and i'm a Communist! imma win in the end!
orange: try to flip me like an egg mcmuffin, son.
orange: you were just distracted by my orange leotard! it looks like cheese!

* male nurse breaks the hand of the elderly man he's trying to rub on to comfort and heal him.
elderly man: FUCK YOU
male nurse: sorry, pops, i don't know my own strength.
elderly man: why aren't you working construction!!? where are your dimples? have you ever thought about becoming a Power Ranger?...…...oh, last one got me depressed again...i suppose you can't rub out my depression with a caress?

* Asian Judge Judy: what the fuck is this? you can't handle one woman judge so i have to be flanked by two old men? what is this, a Power Rangers Halloween special?
Judge Judy: remember my primetime special? it was exactly like the daytime show---two cases---but it was at night on CBS. and had different scenery of courthouses and naked-women statues with swords and gowns. and at the end there was a little stinger about my grandkids. it only happened one time. which makes it rare and special. a true special. it was like My So-Called Life...

* Phoenix: why didn't you have kids?
Helen Mirren: that's personal.
Phoenix: but YOU were meant to be a GILF if anyone was!
Helen Mirren: want my high heels? i'm afraid i'm gonna trip. i ain't getting any younger.
Phoenix: but you get sexier the older you get. sure. but why are they green?
Helen Mirren: they take you to Oz with two heel clicks.
Phoenix: isn't that red?
Helen Mirren: they give you gangrene on your toes before you go. look at me: i'm Andy Warhol Slash. i'm what Andy Warhol would have looked like as a woman. i'm Andie Warhol.

* Divine: do i really have to eat dog feces for art? it's a tough world out there, kids.
kids: Ms. Divine, why are we flying like a bird?
Divine: cos kids you have to know when you have to fly away from a place, you know?

* black girl on horse: what's a matter? surprised to see me on your horse, you illegal horse trader?
cowboy: no ma'am, it's you play for the WNBA or something?...
black girl: i won't snitch on you to the popo if you do one thing for me that ain't sexual: take off that stupid red cowboy hat, makes you look weak. now tie your own arms together with this lasso...

* painter: i paint with my mouth.
Michelangelo: what dat mouth do. sorry, inappropriate. look you're an inspiration and everything, but imagine having to paint on your back...again, sorry.


i mean you don't exactly see Saraband being used to sell toothpaste...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: so when they say Limited Time they don't mean they only sold the McRib FOR ONE WEEK, RIGHT!!?

Wednesday, October 16, 2019


at the Red Circle Table, there are two white women:

Carli Lloyd: you know?

Madonna: i know.

and then Jennifer Aniston FINALLY joins the mix.

Blue Stan Lee: Jen, what gives? i did my hair like yours.

Jennifer Aniston hugs Stan Lee and it goes right through.

Jennifer Aniston: oh Stan, i'm so sorry. you know i love you like a non-drunk uncle. it's just...the press was hounding me for a saucy quote...i had to do something splashy for the Friends anniversary.

President Bump: LeBron, look, i'm still your best friend. Happy Mental Health Day? is that something you wish people? it doesn't sound right. sounds off.

LeBron: get off me, bum! what did you do!!?

Bump: nothing i swear, i'm even making the Neil deGrasse Tyson hands-off meme with my small hands so you'll understand. i did not burn your jersey, i am an actual Angel. i LOVE your jersey, LeBron, i kiss it, i sniff it, i sleep with it when Melania's gone---which is often---and my bed is cold!

LeBron: *steamed* yeah but you basically did. INDIRECTLY. you're like the Andy Dick of presidents.

Bump: *hand on Bron Bron's shoulder* LeBron, buddy, you should always have an opinion on ANYTHING that's going on in the world. that's the point of our massive public platforms. i know i do all the time!

the Dunns: *heartsick* we're done with you.

Shirley Brifman: it's not safe for women anymore.

Teuila Blakely: i know. and the other blonde chick is here with me, too. we're both worried sick over you. look, whenever you need to have a tea, we're here for you with a finger rub. do NOT talk to any official men who come to your door knocking with an email from Apple which looks suspicious but just good-enough, do not give out your information, especially that you're a girl in this world!

Shirley: i'm sorry. but that Apple letterhead was quite convincing. the website looked real, all the rectangles were in place. a symbol's a symbol, right?

Dirg: no worries, matess, everyone gets scammed eventually, no matter how smart you think you are. except me of course. go on a vacation and walk it off. take it from me, the Apple logo is easy to draw.

Shirley: i'm sorry. i was tired. i'm always tired. i'll go with Pear or Samsung next time. i feel stripped, naked, exposed. i knew in the back of my head something was off but i needed to survive desperately and quickly, i needed a record of my life that i existed. the only whistles i ever blew were the ones to call off brutes' slimy fingers off my girls when it was finish-time. you can't rightly type brothel madam in the rectangle. can i move to New Zealand?

Teuila: truthfully it's the same.

Shirley: tea. right. but there's nothing in it, innit?

at the Debates:

Warren: SHHHHHHHHHHHH! QUIET! stop shouting at me, i'm a librarian!

Ariana Grande is grilling on a shichirin preparing for the Olympics:

Ariana: keeping my boy happy. you wouldn't like him when he's not happy. a happy wife is a good cook, la di da *humming*

at Electric Brixton, Doryce is dancing up a storm with all the men. and the boys.

Gladyce: i love you, babe. but i can't keep up with you. i'm panting. granny-panting. how do you do it? how do you have the stamina?

Doryce: babe you gotta live no matter what! let nothing keep you down! you know i knew this nightclub was called The Fridge but i didn't know it would be an actual huge Icebox! my rave stick has turned into a green popsicle!

Gladyce: save it for Halloween ooze, i'm sure it's edible.

Doryce: we gotta prepare for the next Ice Age. we two anyway. i am disappoint tho. the banana hammer didn't come to pass. nor the coffee puck.

Gladyce: i'll satisfy you sexually later when we get home, dear.

Doryce: did you do the trick i taught you?

Gladyce: yes but...the toffee Hershey's chocolate nuggets. like striking gold without bars! you say to freeze them, they'll taste better, i froze one nugget for one day here by tossing it into the dance pit, but i think you have to freeze it for 4 or 5 days till it becomes a puck. it tasted the same.

Doryce: oh i love those wrappers on those toffee ones! it's the prettiest shade of orange. it's copper! remember the Copper Age, babe!? we got DOWN in the Copper Age with those sentry soldiers who deserted!

Jimmy G joins the First Take Table, which is more integrated:

Jimmy G: yeah see the thing is...the can wear on you after awhile. not like an old jersey. it seems cool at first but. nobody in the Hall of Fame has a nickname which stuck that's, like, Porn Star Jimmy, right? i mean Porn Star Jimmy? Fast Hands Jimmy, okay. Jimmy Football, sure. even Jimmy Neutron. but Porn Star Jimmy? is that how i'm gonna be remembered forevermore?

Dirg: i can't believe i missed that story. i was too busy with my schoolwork.

Laertus: sure.

Dirg: the Tom Brady Kiss story, too i missed. but you know women do have the power to alter whole trajectories of life journeys. one false fuck and it's all over, a man's worth down the toilet hole. his whole life of work gone with one whack.

Laertus: i'm thinking when you speak of women you're only referring to porn stars. cos those are the only women you know. hey at least you finally acknowledge The Goddess.

Eye Luggage: hey, porn stars are women, Courtney Love and i started out our careers as strippers. strippers are the biggest intellectuals you'll ever come across, they have time to think of things like fascism.

Laertus: well-met.

Eye: we're lucky enough to have The Man himself, Tom Brady---also known as TB---here at the podcast studio!

Dirg: also known as Touchy Babe...

Eye: ...and Tom's Number One Fan, Peter Griffin himself also joining us. sit right next to your idol there, Peter, sorry for the small seats, they fit my ass.

Tom: Peter i gotta say, that was a private moment and everything, but you had the funniest Family Guy line ever this week: when you wanted to give your son Chris a Tom Brady Kiss. something about that line spoken in your Rhode Island accent, that line will singe into my psyche's funny bone forever.

Peter Griffin: wait, YOU like my show? OMG. this is why you're my hero, Tom, you're a football player who knows what psyche means.

Tom: it's no big deal, right, guys? right, fellas?

Eye: not at all. it's wonderful. in these thoroughly fucked-up times, in this thoroughly fucked-up world, why not celebrate any last bit of love we can get? if the kiss goes on a little longer than expected, hey, it's all gravy, baby!

Laertus: Dirg, if your father kissed you on the lips like that you wouldn't be the fuck-up you are today.

Dirg: i see nothing wrong either. all of life is transactional.

Laertus: you know i really didn't like you, Tom, not at all for awhile. i mean you were already perfect, perfect life perfect wife perfect lips, and you won all the time, even when you weren't supposed to. like The Fates had deemed for you to get, like, 3 Super Bowls, but you somehow ended up with 10. the Fates speak with foreign accents. like even when you were trying to lose the refs make a decision that always goes your way. not liable for cheating in a court of law. and then the red hat in your locker, THAT's unforgivable for a white boy. BUT BUT with this kiss incident, you know what, i DO like you now! i'm actually actively rooting for you now! win another Super Bowl, Tom! you're a weird human like the rest of us finally!

Dirg: but do you respect him? is it a Rafa Nadal situation?

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh how Nixau has the best smile of all time. SVU and go.

Dirg: i mean it's too meta, right?

Jack Dorsey: that's what i tried to tell everybody. but nobody listens to a surfer.

Dirg: i mean you have the actress who gets raped by the movie mogul ON THE SHOW. right? but then the next morning you look on twitter and you see this same actress embracing the character who plays the movie mogul who just raped her---in the script---and they're all smiles posing for pictures hugging and kissing on each other. it's just too weird. the mind can't procees such surreal things.

Eye: well it's just good acting, right? not deepfake, just good acting. tv magic, which is white magic. tho it's been accused of being black magic. genLOCK, anyone?

Laertus: you mean the new Star Wars cartoon show i CAN watch?

Eye: okay, let's get down to it: ladies and gentlemen, our Feature Presentation: Deep Sound Check: and Blade Runner: 2049 and go!

Dirg: wow, you mean we actually did this? we the three of us stayed in the same movie theatre together all scrunched up in one small seat for THREE HOURS and none of us killed each other from annoyance or boxed-in!!?

Laertus: you know i had the most wonderful warm strange exasperated feeling while watching this. a feeling the combination of which i shall never feel again. it was like this calm came over me. and yet i felt petrified that the wave was fake, computer-generated, a wisp, not real. you know i'm not one for football but it was like watching football alone in your room on a lazy Sunday afternoon. shades drawn, pitch black, just the glow of the screen on your face, no facemask. watching Jared Goff on the green grass at empty Rams Stadium, cos there are no real football fans in L.A. Jared tosses the ball and all is right with the world. but is this world real? cos then before my eyes it's RYAN GOSLING in the quarterback pants throwing the football. i reflect fondly on Ryan's career as i see it in front of me, i see him working on an empty film set...and Jared's career, push-upping alone in an empty grass stadium...they are both trying to make it in the big city. a warmth washes over me again as i think about their lives, trudging along, just trying to make it, Jared trying to get through this movie in hushed tones and orange glows. orange dust and orange smog everywhere. i imagine Jared as the same personality as Ryan: calm, funny, California-cool, as evidenced from the This Is Sportcenter commercial where Jared imitates tournament-winner Coco Gauff. crocodile before baby shark.

Dirg: you know it's not such a stretch to imagine Los Angeles in the future simply a huge Fatberg of Smog, not a city anymore.

Laertus: i have the feeling the police brutality is worse, cos it can go unseen now. i love ALL movies that take place in the future. but in the REAL FUTURE, WAY many years from now, The Year 3000, The Year 5000, The Year 10000, cos it's fun to imagine just how Earth will really be like in the far far future. will we have a planet still? will we be robots with beating hearts?

Eye: will we finally have flying cars?

Laertus: the feeling crashes over me again as an imperceptible underwater tide. with Ryan acting, and with Jared playing football, all is right with the world. or is it? yes it is, but only because i know i was BORN. i have a SOUL, so all this running-around i'm doing---running-around we all do---is worth it cos in the end, I EXIST. i'm not doing this cos i was programmed to do this. in the end, my actions and beliefs and thoughts and acts of kindness and mindness and sadness and anger and hate MATTERED, it leads up to something, cos I AM REAL, not a fake metal box projecting an image. not a blue hologram. well not a blue hologram whilst living this life anyway. ghosts are another matter, ghosts are proof. i got that strange tingling down my spine when i looked up at the spinal art of the roof of that scene with the daughter trapped in the bubble---Bubble Girl---who is an historian or something, takes digital photographs, creates art programs much more advanced than Photoshop to lie about Replicants' memories to make them think they are really alive and have a soul. but it's all manufactured and leads to nowhere. i mean there's buying Instagram friends and then there's outright creating friends with an Apple pencil. creating friends by 3D-printering them. that's what this poor creative-soul girl did. looking at that roof, that arched elevator ladder on that roof, i arch my back all the way past my sightline to my own room ceiling, think about my spinal cord and its fluids, and the fact that all this i was doing would end up meaning something cos i would return to the knowledge that i was BORN, not MADE. i'm part of something. i come from SOMEWHERE, not NOWHERE. i MATTER, i'm not a robot. when i look at a tree, it matters. it's collected, it registers.

Dirg: cool off from those warm feelings, eh bud? i'll take over. the plot particulars in this were hard to follow, they really didn't matter, right? it was all about design. that sleek yellow design of that Government Desk. the dirtiness of it all, all dystopias are dirty like that. there are never clean sleek white dystopias, which would be scarier to me. i mean hovercars are cool, but there would be an awful lot of accidents in the sky every day---sky accidents---it's untenable. we'd have to go back to planes.

Eye: air accidents? airy accidents? the sad thing, partners, is that the future will NOT be like that when 2049 rolls around! it will be quite disappointing when reality hits. the future in fiction is ALWAYS cooler.

Laertus: there was a Jared in this. Jared Leto. whose Joker is forgotten so he sports a weird glass third eye or something. and wants to birth a robot. and kills all the betas, right, Dirg?

Dirg: if i ever become king, i need a throne room like that, surrounded by water and fountains and upside-down waterfalls like a medieval moat. where are the kings? there are no real kings anymore. and what's the deal with Sean Young? she's still alive, right? they couldn't get her to come? so they hire an actress to play her body but they still use Sean's voice, what!!?

Eye: talk about getting the shaft. that is her real voice, right? it could be Frank Welker.

Dirg: really the only thing i was looking for here was if Ryan Gosling could pull off serious. he kind of didn't, i mean whenever Pretty Boy got serious in his face you saw his Mickey Mouse Club smirk behind his eyes, you knew he wasn't really serious. this is dark stuff, man. and the question remains in the end: is Harrison Ford a Replicant?

Laertus: was Elvis and Frank Sinatra always this annoying? or is it the hologram effect?

Eye: and just generally loud noises suck. that's cool to have a lobby in your castle, tho. ah, the snow scene in the end, very anime. and ripe for an anime interstitial.

Dirg: i'm thinking Harrison Ford does NOT have a soul. how could ANYONE have survived that helicopter crash?

Eye: okay, what we all came for: sex in the future! so what do you think? the feminist critics were justifiably braying about the male gaze here.

Laertus: you know it's not what i expected from the trailer. i see the beautiful Mediterranean-Spanish model who's his girl blown-up large in that pink/purple projection out in the city as a HUGE HOLOGRAM of nakedness! wearing her pink/purple wig! on top of and ON buildings! like a living marquee, living billboard. but sexy forehead. like the dream of fucking a Marvel superhero! a King Kong who's a girl! and i read articles on how this film was depicting future sex. i thought Ryan Gosling would be fucking this giant heavenly hologram!

Dirg: agreed, bro. the reality was very banal. it was a mind trick sure, but it was just her entering the soul of the real normal-sized-person hooker so he could fuck his hologram girlfriend. needed a disposable street-trash body for that beautiful unique caring soul. i'm collaborating with you next time we do future sex together, Laertus. to do it right.

at Colorado Springs, Madame Pons sits up on top of Takahashi in a pool of melted skin and dirty sweat post-coitus, both are breathing hard but not quite satisfied, a lingering doubt creeps in.

Sue Su: FUCK!!! the audience knows it's Takahashi!!! my beloved!

Takahashi's head droops at the back of the bed as the drone camera trains on his face. his face remains perplexed and puzzled, his lips puckered in disbelief. his face is shut but his eyes are wide open. he doesn't say a word.


Madame Pons turns to the drone camera with a hard turn of her hand:

Madame Pons: folks, it's me. baring my body to you in freedom and real life, because i'm baring my soul. i'm scared right now but i also feel a strange tinge of bravery. you know me, it's me, i love you all. whether i'm clothed or not. affection and love will always be timeless. there is no shame in fucking, it releases your soul into another person. sex heals. i am no brothel madam. i am a person. even if i'm here to only help one person. to only help Sue Su. or to only help you watching now. may my naked body sacrifice on this public altar so you out there can enjoy sex finally in private. even with your clothes on. i am not ashamed. you shouldn't be either. let's help one another through our turbulent emotional rollercoasters. we must help each other heal. this won't shame me to suicide, i am stronger for this. i am strong. even tho everyone in the world now knows i have a big vagina. it's a Marianne Williamson vagina big enough to cradle all the civilizations of the universe!

Dirg: hey Takahashi, where have you been!!! i've been missing discussing the latest games with you! we got a lot of catching up to do!

Sue: i love you Pons. you deserve to live, to live forever, for your life is real. you've taught me so much. don't let the bastards win. when you heal, you self-heal.

there's a dawkish din coming from outside the compound, soon the screens fill up. loud noises, chants, fists flying, all in unison shouting the same line:


Sue backs up in the corner her hands in her big eyes crying.

at the con Shaq O'Neal FINALLY sits at the Red Circle Table. well the Red Circle Table stand booth at the con anyway:

Dirg: you know it's very smart. you replace the red-hat-wearing white guy as the Pizza Guy with you! brilliant marketing move. the Democrats need to call you up for PR lessons. you're as huggy-bear huggable and family-friendly as they get. you're the most nonlethal black man who ever lived! masterstroke!

Shaq: just call me Papa Shaq. you doing okay, buddy? you don't seem yourself.

Dirg: no not at all. i need a Father.

Cotard: what can i do you for, my son? i've been traveling. far and wide. i went on my game-show circuit.

Dirg: are you trapped in a loveless marriage?

Cotard: no that wasn't me. but i am kinda. but i did go on Jeopardy. to visit Alex Trebek one last time. you visit the doomed, visit with friends. he taught me to adopt the Alex Trebek Way of Looking At Things. live like there's no tomorrow. appreciate and scan and push the button first. appreciate, don't hate. the Alex Gaze. i kissed him on the mouth despite his Canadian humor thinking i was looking at him as a leper, i assured him i was not. Alex talked in all questions about the open cold sores blistering his mouth inside with pus but i cared not, i wasn't embarrassed, i loved him and drank his pus. it's all human, baby.

Dirg: everywhere i turn, every corner, life has tricked me. life is one big trick. i can't take this lifestyle of mine i constructed and built anymore, i need MORE! the boxes have closed in on my body squeezing me into a small box with my legs in my face. i need air. promise you won't laugh? this isn't just my con costume, i need a change.

Dirg leaves the auditorium and returns in '70s street-punk London garb with a spiked collar around his neck. he waves a huge purple/pink Taco Bell flag left to right.

Dirg: *shouting loudly* TACOS!!! TACOS!!!

Dirg: *solemnly* this is the only flag i'd ever die for.

Cotard: okay that's a start. you gotta believe in something. i won't tell President Bump, i'll keep that under Confession. despite all his Catholic voters. how many chicken patties did you make the poor glass girl at the Jack In The Box drivethru stuff into the one two-buns?

Dirg: 5. but they could only legally do 4. i have a problem when it comes to stacks. but she was stacked tho. you know an Instagram girl is more when she makes you feel depressed.

Cotard puts his arm around Dirg's shoulder.

Cotard: come here i want to show you something, i've been needing a change, too. i discovered a new religion...

Monday, October 14, 2019


1. tell us something weird about yourself:

i'm normal. but i'm not a normie.

2. if you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be and why?

Lilith Fair. i miss that show so much. never went, just saw it on MTV News with Tabitha Soren wearing her flower-garland wreath on her head at her location assignment and it seemed like so much FUN!!! Tabitha, get it? it seemed like it was around forever but it actually was quite the rare feat. there will never be anything like it. it was the Women's Movement sure, but that particular NINETIES Women's-Movement brand of vim, vigor, and Morissette. '90s women were the peak, you will never top '90s women and their paint-smocks over their jeans. THIS is where liberated braless women created WICCA!!! as a man i'm drawn to these secret stained-glass societies where i'm not allowed, i learn so much emotional intelligence when i'm encircled inside their coven. i LOVE strong women! i want to be DOMINATED by strong women! sexually and just life-wise. if i can just sip at the Burning Woman magic on that stage, a few wisps and pixie-wings fall to my tongue, i will transform into a new being. i will go topless the rest of my life, wear only pirate shorts, and sport a dreamcatcher tat along my spine.

3. what can someone do to make you feel more loved?


and then afterwards our cigarettes are Skippy peanut-butter sandwiches at Central Perk

4. what are 2 good qualities which first drew you to your current or last significant other?

we watch The Current War together, sneaking into the back of the cineplex theatre not paying for our tickets. like Edison would have done. and then we role-play with her as Tesla inside the popcorn machine in the lobby checking its sparkplugs.

and she MUST have a jones for buttered popcorn.

5. what 2 qualities in your significant other (current or last) can send you running far far away from them?

to the hills? not The Hills.

a) any serious declaration that '80s movies sucked. i mean come on, The Goonies is a good film...

b) any serious consideration given to her eating unbuttered popcorn

BONUS: what does your partner miss about you the most when you two are apart?

square eggs. that used to be our thing. i'd mail them to her, some on her birthday, the rest on Valentine's. but now with the current state of the world that can't happen anymore...


Friday, October 11, 2019



* these are your just forgot when your kids were young...

* hey Apple Watch, where are the non-annoying silent alarms?......

* the new tv screens look like laundry screens

* everything is dark due to the PG&E Power Outage. hey it's better than a brush fire, right?

* big brother: oh shit, The Pink Panther's tryna get into my bathroom! the Paw is forcing his way past my door barricade! i got a date in a hour with my teacher!~

* sister: Diego, we have to go!
brother: fuck that, sis! i ain't going!
sister: Madre!!! come on, Diego, you have the map! give me the fucking map!
brother: get this monkey and this fucking fox out of the room!

* a row of urns on top of the counter...

* sisters: shut up! shut up! we tryna brush all our teeths with one toothbrush!
brother drummer: use the dinosaur tooth to clog up the drain as you learn the numbers of cave men! i'm trying to drum here! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF DRUM!!!

* brushed their teeth so hard and mad the entire glass shower pane is streaked with their spit

* good to see Demi Lovato back on her feet

* mom: hey why am i putting a red soccer shirt on you? there's no soccer in America.
son: i want to be Wayne Rooney with the birds when i grow up.
mom: and why is your hair red?

* our forefathers lied...

* dad brings out omelettes in a copper pan to the trailer counter lit underneath by a heat lamp.
family: dad, the Copper Age was ages ago!
dad: this is Gotham Copper. so Non-Stick your mother's still in bed...

* baby boy: i'm the first man ever to cry over spilled orange juice.

* dog picks up food item with his jowls.
dog: JICAMA!!? fuck me.

* hey. don't make fun of the girl wearing the pink shawl over her head. it's cold out...

* older brother in baseball uniform boxes younger brother down to the shag carpeting.
brother: stop! i'm watching boxing on tv.

* two girls wrestle over the controller on the upstairs shag carpeting.
mom: stop! it's just the NeoGeo controller! it's not even a joystick!

* uncle: i fucking tripped over the soccer balls on the stairs and broke my hip! that god-damn rail stairlift gadget thing broke in a cloud of black smoke!
cousins: sorry, gramps.
uncle: you only need ONE fucking ball!

* older sister: what's in the gym bag?
niece: my laundry from college.

* Victor + Valentino in real life!

* dad snatches controller from ginger son.
dad: stop, son! you keep playing video games you'll end up bald like me!

* hey, don't use the red flag for the Red Flag Warning as your soccer-ball bag

* mom: what time is it? i'm not used to it getting so dark so early. i'm still wearing my Big Bird pajamas.

* kids load up into the carpool.
kids: we're the Bag Men.
Snuffy driving steering the wheel with his tail: apt.

* wife: what's with the big white pail?
husband: second childhood, okay? stop nagging me, Mother!

* automatic back-door ain't closing fast enough! all the rainwater's getting inside the car trunk-carpet area where the baby brother sleeps!

* it's such a beautiful day. the sun is so bright our Spanish tile is catching on fire. let's stay in.

* this VW came with a Knicks decal...

* that's it, Volkswagen, end with Spanish, stick it to the Administration!


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW i have to make the most painful decision i've ever had to make in my life: i have to decide between and choose one and leave the other behind for next week...IF i can wait that long...…

McRib or Brooklyn Pizza?

as much as it pains me i'm thinking the Brooklyn Pizza cos i've had the McRib before...i have the sense memory of the McRib stored in my cyberbrain…

Wednesday, October 9, 2019


the Kurds: did our entire lives mean nothing?

President Bump: you didn't help my friend Norman. Jim's friend. not Bates.

Yao Ming: did my entire life mean nothing?

Snoop: chill, bros, life is still livable. with the right herb.

Laertus: i hate guns. i despise gun culture. but i gotta say, those money guns are pretty cool.

Snoop: right? just trying to loosen up all those farmer voters, feel me, son?

Bump: can i be your homie?

Snoop: the only reason i ain't calling the cops on yo fat ass is you're reputed to be friends with Martha Stewart.

Mike Pence pops his head in again, this time in Downton Abbey.

The Queen: oh Michael, come on down! *flutters fan* i must say you have the most beautiful cake calligraphy! that curvy icicng is divine! the wedding guests are gonna be too gobsmacked to put anything else in their mouths! it's so gentle and rollicking over gentle steppes and hills and ranch-dressing valleys, where did you learn it? are you sure you aren't English? you look black.

Pence: i'm passing. whistleblowering past the graveyard. i just don't want anyone catching wind of my hidden talent, i'm not into NBC shows.

Matt Lauer: where's Putin? i REALLY hate Putin!

Putin: did you enjoy your accommodations and visit and stay? next time when you come over i'll show you around our gas stations and i'll throw a dinner party in your honor! you gotta admit, despite our differences, the Olympics really do bring us all together.

The Queen: so Michael, do you like cleaning? this film is literally about cleaning a house.

Pence: i ripped the sponge away from my maid.

The Queen: when you do the florets, do you prefer the pink ones or the lilac?

Pence: i'm a talented chef.

The Queen: it's not really being a chef if you just do cakes. where did you learn your Method? Russia?

Pence: the gays. i LOVE the gays, they're the only ones who'll let me experiment! with the cakes. the gays are just one of the guys. i wanted to be a planner before politics, you know. just don't tell Mother, she hates me and wouldn't understand my passion.

The Queen: me? the Queen Mum?

Pence: no my wife.

The Queen: oh i see...…...dump the bitch and get with me. you're quite handsome, striking really. you look like if John Lennon had lived.

there's a knock at the cabinet door.

The Queen: yes yes i'm coming. why am i the only one around here wearing a ballroom gown? what do you want?

Boris Johnson: *naked, afraid, and sweaty* i did what you said, Mum! here, take a look!

he hands her some parchment.

The Queen: NOT GOOD ENOUGH! you are writing the Constitution for the WHOLE of the UK, not just England! honestly we should have done this like 900 years ago but Prime Minister was your dream, right, Bojo?

Bojo: oh man, the Parliament seats are so sticky from banana butter, they stick to my hairy back! i tripped on a row of ditch-shovels on my way here. it's hot indoors, hotter than outdoors. and all i have to write with is a quill! AND The Naked Brexit Lady is next to me sneering at me smeared with her lips half-lipsticked with streaks of Bush ruby-red. the band not the nostalgic president.

The Queen: finish and i'll give you a kiss. Bojo, dahlin, you're writing the first draft of history! this is quite historic innit! if you have calligraphy questions hit up Mike here. if you don't complete this by Halloween, there's a purple leg-shackle with your name on it at the Tower.

Bojo: really? what does it say?

The Queen: engraved by the ravens with their talons as they joppily jaunt each morning on the lawn: it says:


now toodle on, dear, i'm busy, i got a country to run. *picks up Victorian phone* yes, hello? The Pope? wanna get married?...

Martin Scorsese opens the door to his Victorian mansion and picks up the paper. Stan Lee bumrushes inside.

Scorsese: you're looking quite blue, Stan.

Stan: i'm dead. imma hologram.

Scorsese: knew it. the only question which remains is:

why isn't the universe blue?

look imma handle it like Adam Silver, kay? i'll get Wilford Brimley to play you in my next picture. Wilford Brimley isn't blue, right?

Stan: you gotta call the whole thing off, Marty. it'll never work. take it from a friend, New York City will never survive this.

Scorsese: i know people who can handle things. smooth things over. i elect police commissioners. *ring ring* gotta take this, thank you and good night, my Victorian-mansion phone is ringing.

Scorsese: yes hello?

Samuel L Jackson: the thing is, you'd think i would have starred in one of your sophisticated erudite implacable opaque gangster films by now. but have i? i can't remember. This Is Not For You.

Marty: Sam, Sam baby, take some drugs and calm down. i got you. what do you want? a producer credit? an arcade token? i know what you mean, you HAD to have been in one of my pictures...but i'm not's the Mandela Effect.

SLJ: that's racist.

at the Treehouse, Gladyce has begun the October tradition of instead of having the bright lights of the chandelier in the main living room, she shuts those lights shut and instead just turns on one nightstand lamp at the far corner which beams a mellow low sumptuous soft mood light of dark orange.

Doryce: very festive, dear! sets the mood alright! but it's a spooky mood, too.

Gladyce: i love tradition...that i start this year.

President Bump sits down next to them on the couch.

Bump: see? this is the problem. these orange bulbs, make me look orange when i'm not. we gotta get rid of them ALL. sorry. and see that plug it's plugged into? gotta go. i'm the High Energy President. only environmentally-sound energy-efficient bulbs from now on. the ones run on wind panels.

crones: why is it that you have a habit of ruining EVERYTHING?

Bump: i mean it's a dilemma. a conundrum, an E word as Churchill said...he should have taken E for his black-dog depression, he'd still be here. what does PG&E do? i'm a big fan of California so i don't want to tell them how to run their country. i mean the company decides to shut down power for like three days to prevent a conflagration catastrophe like last year which cost the state trillions in dollars and lives. but this angers many small-businesses who have to eat that lost three-days' of wages. the company said there would be NO reimbursements. it's a lose/lose situation.

Llywarch: you need power for Instagram. you know now a person's worth is valued on who they look like, which celebrity they look like, not on any story they write in the comments...

Dirg: for the record, you look like Billy Bob Thornton.

Laertus: can we talk about the new episodes of Spider-Man first?

Dirg: nope. one saga is enough for a lifetime of mine.

Dirg: but it is cool, man. it really is. they turned the corner this show.

Eye Luggage: yes! now if only Harley would grow a Commander-Riker beard...

Laertus: the Superior Spider-Man Saga is sublime! whoever voices Doc Oc, i'd give him the Emmy RIGHT NOW in his 8-pocket hands! i like this kind of character, you don't see much of it in media.

Dirg: the anti-hero, i've studied him fistfully and fruitfully.

Laertus: Superior Spider-Man is endlessly fascinating: he's a good guy who fights tooth-and-nail to get the bad guy, yet he's rude about it. there's no light banter and wordplay, he ACTS like a villain while he's kicking the bad guys' asses. it's a game to him, he's doing it to show the world they were wrong about him, to show off, to get the glory, not for justice or any kind of altruism. to show he's better at it than anyone else could be. he HATES helping people but he views it more like his job, he has to. he does this begrudgingly, not for Ben.

Eye: like those priests on that Irish sitcom…

Dirg: is it so bad to build Spider Robots? Spider Robots are cool. Mary Jane Watson won't admit it but she masturbates to Superior Spider-Man…

Eye: SHE's hit the jackpot! SVU and go.

Laertus: okay i gotta admit, Gunsmoke on the bar-tv at the beginning of the episode was cool. i want that vice cop to be on the regular cast, she was awesome! want her to be the new detective.

Dirg: it is so meta tho, right? i mean this actress who is sexually-assaulted at the audition on the show, PLAYING this part, was probably ACTUALLY sexually-assaulted at an audition in real life in just the way the script is written! by Harvey Weinstein in a towel with little Charlie-roses on it. Ariel Winter's body is ridiculous. you gotta admit, it is SO WEIRD to see Emilia Clarke with highlights in her hair in a very proper very English romcom at an ice-rink not wearing any sort of dragon robe.

Eye: okay i have to admit. begrudgingly. at least it's still kinda Winter.

Eye: The Gods Must Be Crazy and go. wait, what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how suicide must NEVER be glamorized. it's not cool, kids.

Laertus: can we do the Panera commercial first?

Eye: i get no respect around here.

Laertus: it's know?

Eye: *sigh* yeah i know. it's just food, dude! it's just food. the people in these commercials eat the Panera food like they've literally never seen, heard, smelt, or tasted food before! SALAD?!! SANDWICHES?!! BOWLS?!! the dude at the end trying to sport a thin-veneer Commander-Riker beard, he literally eats the bowl of salad, licks the Russian dressing between his V-victory fingers, turns the wooden bowl over to see if there's any more salad scrap stragglers he missed, crumples up the brown-paper napkin into a basketball, and tosses it in the bowl for 2 points and a job well done.

Dirg: i eat like this, too. heartland food. gotta be thankful for the bounty and the harvest. gotta be thankful to Thanos and his fat twitter-fingers.

Laertus: okay, this film. made me an atheist.

Dirg: sigh.

Laertus: this film is FUCKING FUNNY. there's a lot of stupid movies out there that are fart-funny, this is FUCKING FUNNY. i mean the entire thing is FUCKING HILARIOUS. best comedy writing i've seen since SNL in the '80s.

Pete Davidson: i'm the real Joker. Joaquin PLAYS the Joker. the Joker IS me in real life...i mean picture me with clown makeup, right? lips are perfect for it...

Dirg: where do we start first, Larry?

Laertus: the dubbing. right? the voice dubbing. it's like a bad commercial. the whole film is rushed. the South African actors and actresses are speaking Afrikaans but their mouth-movements don't align and match the British vocal dub---both Englishes---everyone is speaking too fast. this entire film hits the Fast-Forward button for comedic effect and the button is stuck. reminds me of that toy-car commercial in the '80s with the spokesman who ran his mouth like an auctioneer on speed, the fastest voice ever recorded, the fastest talker.

Eye: i've known my share of fast-talkers in my time. i would have loved to hear the film in its original form of native Afrikaans. it's all ironic of course cos the language which stands out the most in this is the Bushman clicking. i make that same clicking sound when i make love to my hammer under the sheets.

Dirg: my vagina makes that clicking sound. Nixau…

President Obama: that's not me...

Laertus: not an anime name. an absolute STAR. a genuine natural beautiful human being. if only ALL actors could convey human existence like he did.

Dirg: dude got jipped of his hard-earned earnings and cash and money. by the success of this film he should be living large in the Hollywood Hills now. in a mansion with a thatch roof. but hey, just another day, right, blood? just another day in the black-man's experience in this world. i mean Nixau should be Kevin Hart now...i don't mean to specifically single out Kevin Hart like i did here but...

Laertus: no name-outs, this is a safe space. poor soul couldn't count past 20. he was so valuable, he couldn't go to school cos he was the only one keeping this specific tradition alive...speaks to the overall rigged education system in this world.

Dirg: that's the thing, that's it, they jipped him cos they knew he couldn't count past 20. he was worth 21 million dollars.

Laertus: the film is brilliant in the beginning, it's so true, modern man is ridiculous and values things like alarm clocks to wake up and go to a separate room not your bedroom to work. the Bushman are considered primitive but their society doesn't have a word for "ownership", think about that.

Laertus: it's weird with the sped-up film, like during the coup, shooting everyone at that Cabinet table, it's played for laughs. like speeding up the film discounts all the bloody permanent gun violence.

Dirg: just like the Democrats are trying to do speedily...

Laertus: what is this, Cantiflas? it does speak to the absurdity of all war. this film reinforced my everloving love and adoration of Coke.

Eye: when will Coke get with the times and put their drinks in paper bags?

Laertus: pollution. sad. back then in the '80s when there STILL WAS a chance to ACTUALLY save the planet. the Veld was so beautiful and green back then, not always brown. Sandra Prinsloo...

Eye: ...why didn't she break out? she's the Meryl Streep of South Africa but why isn't she the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streep?

Dirg: this is the greatest South African film of all time. which is disheartening, right? look i like Nixau as much as the next shrimp-barber, but they should have broken Nelson Mandela out of jail to play this part. Sandra was everyone's first jack, she was mine.

Dirg: oh hello Ms. Sandra Prinsloo. thank you so much for coming all this way to join us at our sorry, the bathroom's locked, come back tomorrow...

Laertus: Sandra had an interracial kiss doing a stage play in Johannesburg which almost took down the country, shook it to her knees. she and her black-man costar were really acting out the same real scenario Uhura and Kirk went through. it just goes to my theory that it's the actresses who must become activists for a country to survive. change starts with goofy sex. taboos are just latent revolutions.

Dirg: Johannesburg or Tembisa? eh, probably Johannesburg.

Dirg: someone had sex with Goofy. use latex.

Eye: OMG that courtship was the clunkiest clumsiest cutest thing ever! when he tosses her in the drink and she gets soaking wet! throw your shoe at him, girl! the jeep/trying-to-open-the-gate scene will live in lore and caused a billion people to give up on brakes and walk everywhere, including me. and the scene when he bumbles into the classroom, that so reminded me of that exact scenario in Indecent Proposal with the laughing students. so beautiful is God's Window, so mysteriously misty, i want to die there.

Laertus: not by jumping tho, right? like as a concept.

Dirg: that God's Window pit is bottomless. you know jeeps are made by Satan, notice they only work in extreme heat and they have no doors. cars without doors are unnatural. i'm glad Nixau recognized his gods were white. and why did the revolutionary leader look like Pasqually from Chuck E Cheese?

Laertus: to build on last week, i only wanted one missing scene: i wanted Sandra and Nixau to fuck to complete the revolution.

Dirg: on a bed of elephant dung for the fetishists. i mean the naturalists.

at the con---the other convention---Madame Pons and Sue Su are setting up for the livestream at Colorado Springs.

Sue Su: okay we gotta make this quick. but it has to last long enough for the buy-ins and small-donors to get their money's worth. don't be afraid to show your face to the camera and show on your face that you're enjoying this.

Madame Pons: i'm a little nervous and nauseous and wary about all this. there's new and then there's crazy. i was never a voyeur before.

Sue: but you said it yourself, this isn't sex. it is but it's more like healing the circadian rhythms of a doomed world, setting them in harmonious balance again, people will watch you and learn how to be better people.

a man crawls in bed with Madame Pons speedily slipping under her the human sheet as he keeps his face from camera-view.

Madame Pons: OMG IT'S YOU!!!

Sue: SHHHHH! nobody can know it's ever him! the camera will be on you at all times. your frame in the frame.

Madame Pons: i have a muscular frame for a woman. oh well. here's to the muscle girls. all that NOT red meat. off with the kit!

she lets her lithe lilac gown go to the floor. Madame Pons climbs on top of the man and starts pounding from within. her chakras. her stomach muscles get a workout. she starts thrashing and her eyes close but not for long cos the customers don't like that. a lot of ahhs and aahs and breaths and Pons's eyes turn red as her chin.

Madame Pons: fuck. it's been too long.

the man tries his best to scoop her butt with both his hands, keeping her ass in a cage of his fingers in rhythm as she punches his heart with her fist.

Madame Pons: well, i am a madam after all...

at the other con, Dirg is a mess. Aubrey Black is the new Starbucks Girl at the Starbucks telephone-booth kiosk. she holds a lobster margarita in one hand and blows a kiss with the other. she holds a toothpick between her tongue:

Aubrey Black: i'm that other Black from New Zealand who isn't a brutish beefcake tatted-up-in-the-face male rugby player. when do I become the Red Power Ranger?

Dirg: gotta drink hella more Pink Drinks first, honey. with wasp honey.

Laertus: what now, buddy? where are you? *using an Inspector Gadget phone*

Dirg: i'm at Perdue Headquarters.

Laertus: oh shit really? it's gotten that bad and drastic!? look, buddy, drugs are never the answer!

Dirg: no, the chicken! the chicken sandwiches! headquartered here in San Francisco. i have a problem. I NEED CHICKEN SANDWICHES NOW!!!

Monday, October 7, 2019


1. you have a new career as a Dom or Dominatrix. are you in it for the money or the enjoyment?

you know i had a mindfuck when i switched high schools. went from Crispi Crackers in urbane sophisticated suburban Los Angeles to Seven Palms on a dirt track in the middle of country-nowhere. see my best friend was always Lucio Rossi: a kind fellow-nerd kid who indulged my video-game fantasies, was uncoordinated like me till tennis, built a skateboard out of his long gym bag to school cos he had a bad back and couldn't lift weights, and was the best person who ever lived. then when i get transferred i run into Dominic Rossi who is NOTHING like the other Rossi. THIS Rossi is who you'd expect: from a mob family, big, vicious and cruel, sarcastic, sports-oriented, and willing to buckle the knees of any mook who interfered with the racquet racket with a lacrosse stick. not a holistick. my psyche rended in two and i've never recovered since.

2. do you have a favorite spanking scenario? do tell:

we cuddle up under one scratchy desert-color blanket while my roommate is away and the mice are sleeping and watch Amadeus together with one lightbulb, which gleams during the fog scenes. we watch those lost shorts of Three Stooges, the ones made during the War when The Stooges served yet somehow made it on their Snoopy Red Baron jet-propeller planes back to Los Angeles in time to film the reels.

i know it's The Little Rascals. but shouldn't it have been Spanky?...…...shouldn't one of the Stooges have been named Spanky?......that's a no-brainer, right?...

3. would you rather go topless to work or bottomless to a family dinner?

look. it was no big deal. it was a dinner, i had some friends over. we had a nice breakfast. at 3 at night. or in the morning so it counts. we had some nice toast with honey with some nice orange juice. Winnie the Pooh and Donald Duck came over...

4. tell us your doctor-patient fantasy:

drugs. cos my doctor is Doctor Feelgood... but seriously my OTP Forever is Julia Ormond and Vincent D'Onofrio in that last season of Criminal Intent. right?!! let me tell you, you will NEVER have better messy wonderful lurid taboo sex than the sex with your therapist. trust me, fuck your psychiatrist and watch the rainbows hit your eyes. i wanted those two to have kids, those were future unbalanced characters right there! a scriptwriter's dream! a porn scene right there in her office, the heady doctor and the crazy cop, THAT's how you get a show renewed!

and WHY did it have to be the last season!!? the psychiatrist storyline was just giving the show the new blood-transfusion it desperately needed to survive and thrive the cruel world of television! and WHY did it have to be SVU to break Gunsmoke? if there could only be one Law & Order, it should have been the MOTHERSHIP to abduct the record! but i would have ACCEPTED Criminal Intent to do it, too!

5. tie me up and ___ my ___

loosen my ascot

BONUS: what is the last act of kindness you did for you partner, friend, or family member?

i bit the bullet for them all, took one for the team, and was the only one in my neighborhood who watched the new Cats film in theatres...


Friday, October 4, 2019



* remember when Roseanne spit after the National Anthem?......jus' sayin'...

* Babe Ruth: you know why they call me Babe, kid?
Bryce Harper: don't you DARE drag my son into this!!? you can make fun of me if that gets your balls wet and you paid for a ticket, but don't you DARE disparage my innocent sweet Heaven-bound boy! go on, make fun of my '90s mohawk.
Babe: i was just gonna say...cos i was like a big kid or something...
Bryce: NO. you look like a girl, that's why. you're pretty. you're Pretty Boy Floyd. you look like a chick.

* Rotoscope, Ralph Bakshi is spinning rolling and turning in his grave...

*  Ferris Bueller: hey kid, you're skipping school to watch day baseball like me, too, huh.
hangdog kid with glove chin against the railing: i'm so depressed. they gave out the last Eeyore plush. what's this skipping? that's girl malarkey. i'm playing hooky. ever heard of it, mister? that's when you get read books to by women in lily boas on the top floors of saloons.
Ferris: what's your name, whipsmart kid?
kid: Billy Crystal...

* Jesus: what up, Judge? you haven't been playing well of late. without the home run you're nothing.
Judge: hey, who said you could be back here?
Jesus: just sanding your bat. i'm a carpenter's son. you know i try not to judge based on looks, but you look like if Derek Jeter HAD juiced. your smile is creepy, you need to see a dentist stat. here, here are some baskets to help you in love.
Judge: hey man, only one man can judge me...
Jesus: yes, me.

* it's faster...younger...
young Barry Bonds: WOW! this game is awesome! i can't imagine me barely able to balance myself on my bat during an interview when i'm an old man who needs a big black couch in my San Fran loft and a girlfriend/hooker.
Bernie Sanders: believe it, kid. all you kids think about is stats! all I think about is stents! don't you think your father would be ashamed of what you did?
Barry: i didn't want to. but how do you compete when your competitors are cheating?
Bernie: i've asked myself that very question. look Bonzo or whatever your name is, just drink orange juice, okay? the little glasses, that's the secret, the little pancake-house little glasses of oj.
Barry: mister, you're racist.

* it was better back then. remember the Expos? they had the BEST uniforms. now they're in Washington where everything turns to shit.

* Stephen Strasburg: you need to get a better doctor's note. i was able to get out of the entire preseason on the team farm.
Clayton Kershaw: if i don't win it this year i'm gonna need a doctor, a funny-farm doctor like Gary Gulman went to.

* Cy Young: wait, was i the racist or was it Ty Cobb?
Ty Cobb: am i just Cy Young in an alternate universe? we have the same name.
Mookie: yo man, you need to learn a Latin dance when you bomb one. on stage. you need to have a friend named Mookie, your life would be better. you need a friend who rounds the bases like a spider. who picks up a base after stealing the most, declares himself the Greatest Who Ever Lived, and tosses the microphone burying it in the sand. you need to LIVE, man. live MAS.

* the kids are here, it's their time now, whether you like it or not.
no, grandpa, don't drink that! it's not almond liqueur! it's Old Spice aftershave!
grandpa in leather folding couch: i can't live in a world of millennials using their Cancel Culture decoder rings to ruin baseball like they did The Joker!

* Vin Scully: when i die, i will replace God. it's This Week In Baseball...
ESPN: let's go back to Sports Machine!
Phoenix: i get my news now from some livestram podcast of Manafort's son in a rainbow beanie hat with a twirly-bird propeller on top but there's a conflict of interest cos pops still represents Pistorius.
Vin: son are you taking the greenies again?
Phoenix: marijuana?

* Alex Rodriguez: Russians play baseball. they play ball. i was the only American reporter allowed in to cover the Ukrainian Baseball Team. they mostly play in the mine fields so no one sees them. except Prince Harry who published a newspaper article on them. they were SO disappointed when it was me and not Jennifer Lopez they spilled out the rest of their vodka on the grave of their hopes.

* A's: well that sucked. no A's/Dodgers series like it was in the '70s. isn't Moneyball supposed
Fernando Valenzuela: i felt bad cos i could never grow a mustache like Cheech and Chong. so i grew glasses instead.

* Commissioner of Baseball: good news, everyone! the winner of the World Series will get not a ring or decoder ring but a cheese pizza and root beer at the arcade! and TWO tokens for Pac-Man! oh what the hell, make it Ms. Pac-Man! the beer with the real FROTH! and tho we are an all-white team, we will watch Roots together after the pizza party as we sit our behinds on top of the paper table...


happy weekend, my babies, enjoy the Divisionals! i only watch baseball NOW when the games ACTUALLY matter. there's a chill in the air, the baseball is filled with a ball of anxiety and sorrow, of tight longing energy. each pitch takes so damn LONG to be thrown, the tension in the air is colder than Fall.

TOMORROW: carne asada from Chipotle. on the side. as an aside. have to since i wrote about it in my story. but i've never had a bowl from Chipotle before. i'm scared.