i reach my hand as fast as i can to try to grab some tree.
me: any tree. any tree please. i need to feel the forest.
Sunny D wags his tail in the magic forest.
Sunny D: no weed on this trip. marijuana-free, you need to be lucid on this lucid trip.
me: i mean i grabbed a handful of CHOCOLATE gold coins, man.
Sunny D: that is disappointing. the pirate trunk's cute tho.
me: bad memories, it's a prop off the last time i was propmaster at Forest Theatre, that stage is CURSED, that set is slippy with ego.
Sunny D closing his eyes, shaking his head, and nodding to himself: it's just as well, chocolate is bad for dogs. huh, dogs have it easy.
Jen R: what's worse, E.coli or covid?
Paris mayor: why you say such a thing to my face? i am hurting, don't say that to the Olympic committee...
Minster: rawdog flying? nah, rawdogging should be fun.
Jen R: let's have a staycation.
me: sound since.
Jen: waking up everyday late, having breakfast at 5PM...
Jen: don't drop acid before the canoe slalom.
me: or you'll be in trouble.
Jen: you'll be okay for the first waterslide and then BOOM you hit that first ROCK and you WIPEOUT, go fucking OVERBOARD, and you're waterlogged. underwater.
me: it's pretty cool tho, both meanings.
Jen: yeah it's like if Splash Mountain was a sport.
me: in my dream i'm up on stage doing those sad Michael J. Fox monologues from Family Ties. we're all cramped inside a stuffy sweaty shoebox theatre black on all four sides, one corner, small stage, tiny stage, one white lightbulb for a spotlight. the audience is crying and so am i.
Michael J. Fox: and then i stand up from the audience to give you an ovation. and everyone turns around to look at me and we all feel a little better.
Cecilia Phillips: and then i stand up in my GOLD RHINESTONE DAZZLING dress all bedazzled and tight and showing off every one of my 1039 curves and we all feel a little better.
Jen: i had a dream where i was at a record store and Prince comes in to see me, to come on to me.
Prince: oh honey you have no idea of my powers.
Jen: but all Prince wants me to do is buy some old CDs.
Prince: buy this pile of CDs for a penny, honey.
me: aw don't be sore, Prince is the ultimate catch.
Prince: i reject ERRYBODY. the only person i ever hit on was Michael Jackson.
Jen: Amoeba Records is the only place a true lovematch can occur.
Oliver Stone: read the reviews of JFK before they disappear...
Pepperidge Farm fucking Celine from the Before Trilogy: if you're gonna have a cookie have a cookie...
Julie Delpy: in France a cookie is a galette...
Julie Delpy: i don't have pancake tits.
Nike: are you a bad person?
me: yes.
Nike: no but we mean winning isn't for everyone. is winning for you?
me: winning is not for me.
Jen: you're only a good person if you lick your table-tennis paddle. hey track-runner, don't look at your opponent like that, that's not very sportsman.
Nam from Dragon Ball: people are not competition. i have a name...
Ryan Gosling: don't you want to be Blade Runner? the one from the FAR future...
Roger Federer: i'm not scared of The Birds by Alfred Hitchcock. birds are tennis's best friends.
Target: gardeneer, a gardener who's a Three Musketeer.
Kristen Wiig: there were four.
Jen: yeah i go to Safeway only to get a Starbucks, not to shop.
Uber.
woman: first night in Chicago, first date in Chicago and i got stood up.
Brooke Trantor: and that's how Chicago pizza was born.
Peggy Bunker: you can't find love on your own...
Billy Corgan: it gets worse here...
John Belushi: that's why i moved to New York. my medical coverage wasn't the same, one day i went to the office and they told me Dr. Mark Greene had retired early...
Suzy Lu: come on, don't i get credit for matching my hot-pink eyeshadow with my hot-pink jumper? snip decision, that one was good and that one was mine.
every office building in the '80s: grey vases with LONG REEDS...
Mardith naked with fans: my fan dance will release your loaded march...
the witching hour: nothing good happens at a club from 3AM-4AM...
Gladyce: ...
Doryce: except me shaking my witch booty.
Talia: it's scary when you sneeze, don't you love me?
me: i will love you forever, cat allergies be damned!!!
Gary Kildall: yeah i mean of course i'd rather play professional baseball in 1910...
me: i'm in the magic forest and there is no magic. the magic is gone. the magic is long gone. i mean look at that unicorn flitting over there on that gingerbread hill.
Sunny D: that is so Enigma "Return to Innocence."
me: but i can grab the horn off that unicorn or rather horse right off, it's glued on. i can see the glue from here.
Sunny D: don't do that. is it corn or horn? because it's unicorn not unihorn. your hand has been through a lot of disappointment recently. get your hand to cheer up: drink some iced tea, eat some nut ice cream, throw the frisbee around.
me: Ultimate Frisbee is only played on college campuses. i wish i could go back to Berkeley. lay off my jock, Modesto!!!
Jen R: i want a motorbike.........just for that cool black license plate...
Dr. Robbins: you think you'll just get over your husband in the Seine after a few therapy sessions with me in a brown room? a couple non-couple therapy sessions? move on with your life? you'll be in a culvert the next week.
Lucas from Lucas: you only get ONE SHOT...
Indiana Jones: i'm searching for Element 120.
Madame Pons: but why at a LUSH shop, handsome stranger?
Indiana: they told me it was expensive eyeshadow.
Madame Pons: that's Sephora...
bum: i'm not a bum. i'm the guy you always see inside Starbucks at the corner window on the laptop writing my novel. i'm a writer. i type 11 words a day. trusty laptop with the skateboard and Enya stickers. i'm the next Stephen King with a beard...
me: dad? come on now, what does it mean?
dad: what.
me: the coin-shaped piece of cardboard on the asphalt...
Vince Coleman: your first baseball card...
slimy cucumbers: they're still good.
Doryce: don't i know it. they're my life. they have ruined and blessed my life.
Nok Hockey: if table tennis can be a sport, Nok Hockey can be a sport...
Suzy Lu on ScotRail: come on, no jokes. i'm no skinny minnie as you can see, i'm here waiting for Aeon Flux and i ain't scared of her.
Twilight Zone "Extra Innings": may we speak to Kevin Costner?
Kevin Costner: what.
episode: um, Field of Dreams much?...
donut: you only get one of me when you do the grocery shopping, as a reward for doing the grocery shopping.
Australia women's rugby team: what the FUCK happened to us?!!!...
fencing: a fast sport? no, a slow sport, every single attack gets video-reviewed...
Super Mario: a shrooms sport?
Rege-Jean Page: i'm on the French fencing team. France Fence? really hope doing this is the audition tape i need to get back on Bridgerton...
Roger Federer: en garde. alle. jump up and down, HOP like a mad rabbit on the fencing strip. be quiet, it's like tennis...
me: the final insult. when night falls.
Sunny D: no pixie dust?
me: no pixie dust. no pixie lights. no light of any kind. just wet leaves. no warm otherworldly glow from neon fairies in the trees that lets you know everything is gonna be okay, that there are other forces at work!!! just a spooky silence. it's so dark, cold, scary........it's the worst place you could ever be.
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