Friday, October 30, 2015



* Krabby Patties cause cancer.

* Patrick is my favorite Spongebob character............i can relate to him.........for some reason.........*twiddling my thumbs whilst whistlin' a graveyard*.

* Spongebob really broke the mold cos before then most kitchen sponges led pretty miserable lives.

* Nosferatu is rightly regarded as one of the best ever, a creature classic, first depiction of the effect of light on vampires, greatest German film of all time, etc etc, Murnau and Stoker probably had some barstool-breaking bar fights at the saloon. it's the ultimate film-school film, it's what everyone studies, it's Animal Farm and The Great Gatsby and The Once and Future King. take it from an English major, nothing destroys a masterpiece film or book like having to write a 50-page essay on its intricacies. this would have been another final thesis i had to do (i did so many final theses which begs the question, "how final were they?"), but instead i got to watch the film leisurely for pleasure, letting each scene flow without wondering in the back of my mind what this scene means and how it ties into my final grade. my brain wasn't bald from pulling out its frazzled hair, just my head was shaved. i watched it as i would Pluto Nash. it's a good thing i had that nervous breakdown...

* Count Orlok was the first Doctor Without Borders.

* the greatest comment still to this day i've ever read on imdb was on the Nosferatu board. it wasn't talking about the intricacies of the film's history, it was someone commenting on how good Hutter's ass looked in his pantaloons.


happy halloween

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


Binny's diary:

i've reached an end, i wanted to see how far i could take it, 

Quinny: honey, you're not writing in your journal, you're writing out loud. i burned your diary awhile back, remember? it was just page upon page of scribbles and chickenscratch.

Binny clutches Quinny for dear life.

Binny: sis, i'm going crazy.

Quinny: no, at the end of the day, family abides, i see that now.

Binny: that's the problem with knowledge, it breaches into the sub of a word, you need a sub to travel further, and you don't want to go there, you don't want to click that extra link, cos it'll take you down another rabbit hole of strange words and concepts that couldn't possibly be real, invented place names from some bored basement kid who lives in Madagascar and has never seen Madagascar. that's just it, there's always another link, you can't know everything. Codrus always drilled into us that once you knew the sum of earthly knowledge you turn to mars. or at least early earthly knowledge. once you know the skin you turn inward to the heart. sure you know what this word means, but what is its history? who first came up with the word, what was she wearing at the time, what taboo of tradition was she committing? is it worth a life to expand the language so the future can understand your life better? what's left are only the indecipherable subtweets.

Quinny: you're too cooped up in here. granted the study, half kitchen, living room, and typing room are all one room. too much technology taints it evil. there is no need for most websites. the only usefulness is art. we need a desperate vacation. or rather a retreat. read this brochure. never mind, i'll say it out loud: well basically it's to the Grand Oak. you may not believe...

Binny: i believe to a fault.

Quinny: and i believe in you through your faults. cos you always had my back since i was a baby and my back was a matchbox. let me be there for you now cos we couldn't for our poor mother. cancer has gripped this family and silenced our petty gripes, sickness infects everyone not just the sick, taking the chainmail of genes and wiping out whole strands as it props up others. it's indiscriminate and random and set to the lunar rays of the ocean. there's a cold realization that one has to die in order to live, it understands this, it is this, it runs on this, it's in its genes. if there is no meaning then there's a whole big blank slate for us to make our meaning, paint the meaning on the canvas of our adult body backs, we live for each other. call it empathic illness, call it biconditionality, codependent and parasitic, copacetic and primal, i choose to merely call it tea and empathy, the lubricants of life.

Binny: what's that sound? i hear the distinctive sound of the remote control siding on the card table, it's unique and unmistakable, nothing else sounds like this. were you reading that heartfelt speech off a tv dialogue? are we in The Truman Show?

Quinny waters her palm in the litchen sink and slaps her sis on the face.

Quinny: snap out of it, sister! no, we're not in Germany, it's the two of us, we can make it if we try, it's always been us, all we see and hear and taste is each other. i give you my heart, literally if i could. i was just catching the Mets score and the tail-end of my soaps while having a deep conversation with you.

Binny: that's worse! tv has permanently encrusted our lives! and we can never drone and chill cos the drones never make cool choices for movie night, they don't know what makes people cry and laugh and hue and awe, it's like they're heartless. y'know this morning i'm Googling translated words and just for my own sanity i want to make sure i've learned nutter, nuttish. well guess what? nutish in Uzbek means "Hogwarts". that...just...can'

Quinny: come on, that's enough internet for today, i'll drag you by your legs like the really old days if i have to. i'll rip your jeans and make them fashionable again. let's go for a nice Oak soak.

the two ladies travel by plane, train, and automobile until they reach the holy mecca. there are no awkward silences since Binny drones on the whole time. it's only awkward when the talking stops.

Quinny: we're here, hun! get your suntan lotion and sonic shades out!

Quinny places a cap on the retractable pen lying on the dashboard baking in the unusual sun flickering on and off. she undoes the seatbelt that's been securing Binny by her forehead and guides her sister gently by the shoulder to the promised land.

Binny doesn't notice.

Binny: and i invented a way for me to streamline it, make it easier, save time and maximize productivity. see when i'm scrolling instagram and i have way too many followers and i can't possibly give the attention needed to read each carefully-worded caption, i get the gist of it as i continue moving without stopping to look at all the pretty colors. i can get the gist of each pic in a second, too. sure i miss all the beautiful detail of the pic which is the whole point, but my brain as per each succeeding generation has been dutifully reduced to the attention span of -1 seconds. i use a small green pocket notebook and an uncapped pencil to write down foreign words and strange places so i don't have to go back and start at the beginning. but as i near the end of my internet day, the 18-hours-ago-mark limit of my scroll, i can save time by remembering the last three things in my head instead of writing them down, my brain is still good for that, hasn't been too fried beyond recognition.

Quinny: is there a point to this monologue? the audience gets bored when it's not involved.

Binny: it doesn't work. you try to remember the last three things but you inevitably forget the last three things in the haze of the barrage of instagram pictures. useless. you have to start all over, go back to the point where you were to remember the word, by then you forgot where that point is or was. lost forever. knowledge escapes. i broke my own invention.

a crease in Binny's forehead starts to crackle.


Cub: dad are you ready?

Wolf: for what?

Cub: you're moderating the debate! it starts next!

Wolf: snap. fuck my life.

Wolf: i'm here, studio audience, hear hear, thanks, i lost about three years of my life running over here plus with all my bacon consumption i'm gonna die soon, i really hope this'll be worth it. hello, America and around the world, this is CNN Breaking News.

BBC America reporter: this is BBC Breaking News, i'm Jane Sexylibrarian, live at the site of the next presidential debate in what has turned into the kookiest sideshow yet: on the dais are: Hilary, wearing her trademark tiara, Larry David reliving his teenage years admitting pre-debate he wore a Donny Osmond shirt when all of his friends were wearing Che, a mad scientist with a voice like silk, and Mickey Bump who is not worried about anything. Ralph Nader's parrot Cardozo is on the stage on his usual perch as well. the bird has higher poll numbers than Ralph himself, so i'm afraid Mr. Nader has been relegated to the kids'-table debate earlier this evening. later, only our intrepid BBC reporters get access to the mysterious Monte Carlo estate where lives who Guinness has just confirmed owns the greatest Beatles fan collection of all time. hint: this person is an actual beetle. and later, we look into the fact that it's seeming pretty obvious as the decades roll on that human life has no meaning whatsoever. scientists and religious leaders confirm. Monte Carlo, it's nice this time of night. that's where all the tennis players stay for their taxes, right? that reminds me, i'm missing my afternoon delight with my tennis coach for this, better be good.

Cub knocks shoulders with her dad.

Cub: dad, wake up.

Wolf: was it all a dream?

Cub: no, you dreamt through the whole thing. war was not debated by decree of Codrus. amazingly, though, food policy was discussed.

Wolf: i have a throught. forgot. i am so tired my whole life. can i use your instagram for the fifth time today?

Cub: you're really chatting up a storm with Baleen, huh? i'm jealous.

Wolf: his mother. it's not like that. his whole family, i've come to care for them after the incident. they've become my true family.

Cub: thanks a lot.

Wolf: i don't get this whole internet thing. this box is trash. what is it good for? i see your scroll all the time and it's filled with nothing but celebrities giving the finger. what is that? it's only good for bringing people together. i don't get into all that young shiznit. you know where the word Satan comes from? it's from a root word from Latin that means "relativism". true, looked it up on Google Translate. we gotta relate to one another or we'll burn like a chain reaction. i just don't see it.

Cub: i can dream. alright, don't stay up too late, mister, wear bright clothing, and remember to drink plenty of liquids. oh, dad, i seem to have a lot of my glitter missing?

Wolf: sorry, using it as makeup for when your old man goes on television. you know how rushed mornings are, you grab the first bottle out the door.

Cub: and is there a dirty old man outside? i hear him from my bedroom snoring at night, he's sleeping on top of our trashcans.

Wolf: it's not me, that's just Larry, i'm writing his tweets for him. we come from the greatest generation, i get him.


at Codrus's apartmentalized fortress:

Codrus is trying not to watch Drone TV through his fingers covering his eyes. he hangs his fingers in shame.

Codrus: that idiot is bungling another debate. though i love the plaid shirt and ripped jeans he's wearing.

Bump: *sorry knock knock* can i come in, boss?

Codrus: over already?

Bump: i can still win. second is not bad. first fight in our marriage. i have to win this, it was a lark before but now it's a condor. i have to see how far this can go. i have to do it for my precious.

Codrus: so sweet it makes me sick, both meanings. now dance for me, troll! are you butt naked?

Bump: yes like you ordered. i hate showing my butt.

Codrus: wait let me get in the shadows first. okay. ENTER. disrobe and twirl around a few times, in the light where i can see you.

Bump: okay. i never got that robe in the mail. you sent it, right?

Codrus: must've been a mixup with the drones. i'm not getting off on this you know, this is about power, which is sex. you promise to do better next time?

Bump: sure, boss, i got distracted by all the lights. the city lights. the attractions. the cup of coffee that self-cools from the rainwater outside getting in your cup. why the hell isn't the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Seattle?

Codrus: alright, i'm good, whatever. let me show you my latest machination. that's why sidekicks exist, to be evil villains' personal yelpers.

Bump: i have my own ideas, too, but, whatever. what am i looking at? jars filled with rainwater? rain has that distinctive scent. see i'm no apprentice.

Codrus (finger risen to the air): not just ANY rainwater. okay any rainwater. but it's what's inside the jars.

Bump: don't see a thing.

Codrus: exactly. they are my tardigrades, my nano army that can't lose cos you can't see them losing. they're still incubating, still fermenting. when they hatch, the tide of the war will turn. when they're done, we're all done.

Bump: just look out for that monk, boss, there's something about monky, he's got someone on his side.

Uvula (by her cave): oh, you're here! you scared me! where the hell did you come from?

Codrus (whooshing his cape): i've come a long distance to meet you, my dear. it's not like that. to defeat you not deflower you. my device is beeping something fierce. up a storm. if i look up, the storm. i'm looking up, no storm. i was waiting for it to brew and whip up. where's my monster? where's Patricia? this doo said it'd be here.

Uvula: that's a Dragon Radar.

Codrus: ah. well. never fear, i've already attached the atom bomb to it while it was still a baby tropical storm while you were sleeping. the greatest work gets done when you're sleeping, the scary work. you have no hope. lead me into your cave.

Uvula: gross. look, i think it's coming. see, you have to be patient with things. i could tell from measuring the contours of the clouds.

Codrus: give it up, sister, you could never be a weather girl.

a group of hyenas (listening in): yeah, you don't have the tits.

Uvula: Hey!

hyenas: sorry my liegess, just shooting the breeze.

Uvula: more like shooting the shit. ATTACK!

the hyenas commiserate together in a circle, hollering indecipherably, moving around in a circle frantically.

Uvula: are you laughing or crying? i can't tell.

Codrus: it's the same thing.

Uvula: oh for fuck sake. EAGLES, ATTACK!

the eagles, who have been underwater near Philadelphia waiting for the command, swoop from out the ocean depths like Willy and fly briskly into the 360 panoramic of the hurricane's eye. they chew their beaks into the job and detach the atom bomb where it safely drops in the middle of the Pacific and blows up a few marine ecosystems.

Uvula: damn you! those were like my children, even the lichen. god damn you!

Codrus: not for long. while the kids fight in the sky, let's have a more adult grounded battle of technique and strategy. let's talk to each other for god sake, enough with these emails and bombs!

Codrus walks to the entrance of Uvula's cave. Uvula takes out from under her hoodie a package of raw nongrounded coffee beans and eats them whole.

Uvula (still chewing the paste): mmmm, battle food. okay i've had my spinach. i will block you from this entrance forever.

Codrus is suddenly at the back of her inside the cave.

Uvula: hey, how'd you do that?

Codrus: always watch your back.

Uvula: i can't, it's physically impossible. i look out onto the open green plain stages of Earth and i can only experience life through my own singular two-eyed lens in this one body of a woman named Uvula. that's U-V-U-L-A, don't you forget it. i will only have one frame of reference forever. i can't really know what any other living entity is thinking or feeling, ever.

Codrus: exactly.

Uvula: you'll never get my gold!

Codrus: silly girl, tricks are for adults.

Uvula: do not infantilize me! oh i especially hate being patronized by a fuckboy.

Codrus: here's your problem. you value the gold more than the rocks in your epic domicile here. you think it was the gold giving you the power? that world is gone. it's the stones in here which house the Stones, that's the real gold. alright, i'll get a couple of Bump's mafia guys over her with cranes and cement and whatnot, they'll crack open all the loot by the end of the week, two weeks tops, i promise. you're in good feet, they're not going anywhere, all they do is build buildings, that's all they do. this was your last stronghold, i now own pretty much all of it, i'm a conglomerate, i'm a company with a soul, i'm corporation people. there's no need to rein in the rain, only to reign. can you tell i missed out on Monopoly when i was a kid?

Uvula: i can't stop you if i wanted. it's the strangest thing, i can move but i can't think...

Codrus: seeya, toots.

Uvula: where are you moving?

Codrus: soon. for now it's back to the ol' studio. can't miss movie night.


Codrus in his private movie theatre, where it's darker than the black outside. he sits in the middle of the rows as the shadows from the drones' film projectors bounce off only him, feet up, with his five bags of popcorn and coke, leisurely waiting for the feature to start, the present presentation.


Codrus: too much coke, too sweet. *sigh* the previews are always better than the film you've come to see. always wanting what you don't have in the moment you don't see what you do have.

as the credits start to roll, Codrus gets all dour and loose and rubbery and seizurey. he leaves the darkened theatre head down like a lit fuse before the last scene fades to black and has a chance to show the first white credit. he clutches to his last bag of popcorn filled to the brim. he turns the bag upside down and empties out all that gorgeous puffy fluffy corn goodness in a spasm, leaving but one uncooked kernel which he carefully fishes out with the steady hand of a neurosurgeon. he pops it in his mouth and grinds his chew. or should i say chews his grind.

Monday, October 26, 2015



1. sex. what are your areas of expertise? i am male.

2. how long have you been having sex? since last Thursday. study hall, you know how it gets in the library.

3. what time of day do you prefer to fuck?
a) morning cock a doodle do (yes i do)
b) afternoon delight
c) night twilight (zone), that's the freakiest sex

4. do you charge for sex? money or some other means of payment? your soul. collection. i'm a sucker for any Aretha.

5. how long does your average sexual encounter last? as long as your soul. collection.

6. do you have a safe word? what is it? Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. when we do it in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, it gets confusing.

bonus: ever had sex so good you broke things or something? not to be all Twilight Edward or anything, but a few of my beds have been broken in my time. mostly due to shoddy workmanship, it's hard to find an exact fit for a twin mattress...

...i have a twin mattress cos she broke my heart...


Friday, October 23, 2015



* so, what were your favorite shows growing up?

* it was on PBS in my area. everybody experimented in the '70s.

* "i would watch it after the news. nothing on Candle Cove was ever as scary as what was on the news."

* YOU HAVE TO GO INSIDE: i remember the first time i heard those words. my wedding night. it was death by snu-snu.

* the Skin-Taker's hat isn't made of skin, that's rich, smooth corinthian leather.

* little girl: why do you always have a glazed-over look?
Skin-Taker: i'm dead. and i have glass eyes.
little girl: why does your mouth grind like that?
Skin-Taker: i need jaw surgery but it's too expensive.

* "i'd wet my bed cos of Candle Cove. also it didn't help that i'd drink five cups of coffee right before i went to bed."

* son: so mom, remember Candle Cove?
mom in nursing home: yes, i was the little girl on that show.
son: that's crazy.
mom in nursing home: not as crazy as you staring at a screen full of static for thirty minutes. are you sure you're not the one who should be in a nursing home?

* oh yeah, Candle Cove, i remember now, scary stuff: CLICK HERE

* don't be scared by the end of this video, it's just Tool's new video: CLICK HERE


happy weekend

Wednesday, October 21, 2015


the news hits hard.

Quinny: i know dear, cry on my shoulder, we will miss that little whippersnapper forever.

Binny: that's just it, he grew up too late, he had to catch up too speedily, he was hopped up on his first beer, he made friends with the first person who smiled at him.

Quinny: Codrus will get his.

Binny: speaking of, i'm working on a problem, i'm having a problem with it, it's the last thing to do with each word we learn, each sentence, bit of information, when you misspell a word, it's the ultimate worst, you have to look up this new mutant word, could it be foreign?, sure it's all foreign in the end, you wouldn't have known this specific amalgamation of letters if not for your tiny keyboard's mistake, and then i ask myself if i should do pictures.

Quinny: no, man, not the picture! you can't do this to yourself! what are you hoping to find? our Yayray is dead. Ye is dead. we hardly knew him. he didn't have a chance to shine. he did the best he could but we didn't. we were too busy making fun of him. there comes that day when they really grow up and it's terrifying. our family is dwindling, we have to stick together, we must exhibit the strength we couldn't show him, our mother used up all the family courage. we must go out in a blaze of glory. humans are never proactive, we only know how to avenge. we will defeat the one who defeated our son, we will put our souls into this final effort, and when we lose this hopeless battle, our honor will carry us to the great big reunion bbq in the sky.

Binny: honor is good but not as good as fresh sweet bbq. speaking of Codrus, not to take my work home with me, but there's so much, it never ends, it means more, it always means more. i have to see the image of each strange word just in case i recognize something. it all connects up in the end, right? it has to, it can't just be separate flotsam jettying in space forever in opposite parallel directions, i have to click IMAGE on each misspelling. there are some tips i've cultivated myself: i lost my regular pen and i was mad as hell for days but i found a retractable pen and it's better, i quickly push the button on the table, that saves one second from having to remove the cap, plus when you're researching you always worry the open pen will dry up, not with the push-point, it closes fast. i wrote something with the pen last night and i couldn't read my own writing: tacp? is that a word? am i allowed in? i didn't get any sleep obsessing what this word could be, all the permutations, never could consensus. i'm learning to let words go but it's hard to break patterns. and don't get me started on SUPER. i have to start all over with every single word! you can add super- to each word, have to look it up, it could be there, if it's not, you may have to add it to the lexicon. and of course look at the picture of it. super-tacp? i hate Superman now.

Quinny: meh, me, too, he was always the cocky asshole. or was Batman the ass for believing he could superhero with just a gimp suit and cape? speaking of cosplay, i'm the only one in this family with the hips to pull off Harley. sorry, we're doing it again...


Forage: thank you being my son's tutela.

Uvula; no probs, Mrs. Favor, i'd put that raccoon whippersnapper under my wing if i had some. but we got the eagles for that.

Forage: it's so cold here,


Uvula: i take umbrage at that. i'm offended by that. i'm Indian.

Forage: i'm sorry, but what did i say?

Uvula: yeah, i know, that phrase doesn't really mean anything, does it? feels are swirling me.

Uvula races past the ranch to the edge of the earth where it hits the water. though right by an ocean, it's unseasonably warm.

Uvula: hate this heat, this continued celsius. when the war is over i'm gonna summer in a casa de rancho that juts right up against a Seattle lake to make sure. i want to make it rain.

Uvula puts her hand into the water and it gets the surprise of a nose brushing up against her.

Uvula: oh, how novel! you're a cute little dolphin, aren't you?

vaquita: vaquita. rare breed.

Uvula: your nose is so wet and rough.

vaquita: actually it's smooth and dry, i'm splashing and you weren't expecting me, it's altering your senses.

Uvula: what's your name, my pet?

Atalan: it's me, Atalan.

Cotard chokes on his chicken-of-the-sea.

Cotard: Atalan! we thought you were not a dolphin!

Atalan: vaquita.

Cotard: is this your new porpoise?

Atalan: apparently. i feel so free now though i wish i had listened to my mom more and tried harder in those swimming lessons she worked two jobs for me to afford. must have been all that money at the ATM. i stood there in a coma not knowing how to spend it cos i had no purpose. i let the money overtake me, literally, and it must have been laced with something Stonesy cos when i came to, i had shed my previous skin and fallen down a drain pipe like a snake into the sewers. no turtles down there, just a pizza rat. i was a mammal letting the tide take me to a new life. i got to the open ocean and clicked with delight for the first time in my life. i wasn't hesitant anymore, bogged down with expectations, alternating between wandering and wondering. i was living the dream: i was free. by the way, our oceans are fucking filthy.

Cotard: that's everyone's dream: freedom. so where to, Flipper?

Atalan: please, i'm still Atalan. ready to protect my other mother, this planet has given me so much.

Uvula: great, i'll summon the rest of your clan with my powers.

Atalan: yeah about that. they don't like it when you force them. lead, don't force.

Uvula: gotcha *summoning* there doesn't seem to be one of your kind in this entire area.

Atalan: not surprising, i noticed how different i was as i swam around, it was high school all over again.

Uvula: just wait...

the rest of the vaquitas in the entire world join Atalan in a circle. Atalan smiles big showing all his teeth.

Cotard: hey buddy great to have you back. mind giving me and the missus and the rest of our friends a ride to the war?

the Brazil group dolphin-back to a spot in the middle of the ocean where the Minority Report screen said Codrus might be with his hurricane bombs.

Codrus arrives on his hoverboard and Marty McFly jacket with the kids and Imzhan in tow towing behind. a large storm is gathering above with a string attached.

Codrus: i love the smell of atomic energy in the morning. oh great! you guys? i wasn't expecting this. i can plan for something expected but when you suddenly are forced to do something unexpected, that really sucks. to what do i owe this surprise?

Cotard: to you being mad. are you ready for our surprise attack? i feel ya, this morning i wasn't planning on emptying my kitty cats' litterbox but it was just too grimey, so much weight to those chunks of poo it was tearing the bag. i had to scrape off all that caked-on grime on the scoop, i hate that fucking scoop, it got all in my fingernails, ate breakfast afterwards. i dunno, two cats, one box, every night, it adds up before you know it and hits you when you least expect it.

Codrus: Cotard in the flesh, but i hear you're of the spirit. we'll be talking tons soon, i'll get to you later. who are all these colorful minions? i see we have a cute little girl...

Uvula: i'm a fully-grown woman who just looks young. god i get no respect from circles.

Codrus: alas, lass, it's hard being a woman in this raging realm.

Uvula: you said it, buster. and we'll destroy you. i can control all the animals on earth, they do my bidding, i'll let them eat your children.

Codrus: my my, you've been infected, too. violence is so icky. i wish i could push a button and it would all be over mess-free. and who do we have here, a talking dolphin?

Atalan: i feel kinda like a human trapped in a vaquita's body, or vice-versa, a Two Spirit.

Codrus: i don't discriminate. in fact Native American Studies was conveniently my minor in college before i got kicked out for cheating on a test, i see the spirits all around me. interesting but isn't it sad how we define ourselves first by our sexuality? is that all that humans are good for, fucking? don't we read books, too?

Uvula: way of the world. when you look up a female celebrity, what do you look up first? nude and then who her husband is.

Codrus: well i for the only one try to be more cultured. i use the internet for research. one must be civilized if one is to build civilization. i mean i'm asexual, it's more of a chore for me. i can count on my palm the number of sex partners i've had, i'm not your typical virgin villain taking out my sexual frustrations on the world. you?

Uvula: straight.

Atalan: third gender.

Cotard: confused. i think if i wasn't a monk i'd be a porn star.

Kenyatta: true non-nullified bisexual.

Bridge: really? who may i ask?

Kenyatta: Cotard and i dabbled when we were young and dumb. remember, Big Cross?

Cotard: i really don't, i'm sorry. did we meet on a porn set? i'm sorry, my mind has always been so frazzled and full of soft sponge and cheesy haze.

Codrus: partaking of the hippie salad in our salad days?

Cotard: no, my mind has always been muttery, buttery, brine, shifting into far-in places, searching for an edge, flying without wings, no drugs, just is. when i feel trapped in it, i close my eyes and imagine i'm something else.

Codrus: you can't win! i have eyes and ears all over the place. i know all, feel all, taste all, am all, wash all. i felt you were Native American before you knew.

Uvula: how?

Codrus: the Stones, baby, the universe's cheat sheet.

Uvula: i'm not your baby! attack!

Atalan: okay but only cos i want to.

Atalan's whistling dolphin mouth swoops out of the water and knocks Codrus off his board, splashing him in the drink and chomping on his face. one underwater struggle later, Codrus is riddled with pimples but manages to break free from Atalan's iron grip. though they are underwater the two hear each other perfectly.

Codrus: it's high school all over again! mangy mutt! i'm gonna forward a copy of my favorite childhood book You Are a Shark by Edward Packard to you in Hell. i'd say see you there but i'm working on changing the general direction of my life.

Codrus elicits a huge yellow and white energy wave from his palm that turns into rather ineffective sonic circles which miss Atalan's general direction. Atalan stands his watery ground.

Codrus: shit, i'm frickin' Aquaman under here.

Imzhan: Codrus, before we get started, there's an elephant in the room.

Codrus (coming up for air): the donkey in the room has decided not to run. right, right, okay, go ahead.

Imzhan: well..........................Codrus, Cotard? pretty similar. but you guys are NOT long-lost brothers. Cotard, I am your brother.

Cotard: NOOOOOOOO, THAT'S NOT TRUE! .....THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!! so how do you know?

Imzhan: research. and i took a hit on the side from time to time. it's all you can really do working for the man. anyway, i remember that painful day mama let me go to raise you, not enough money for both, i was too young to remember, that's when i got off the drugs, oh how they make those images crystal.

Fuerza (a spirit flying soundly in the sky): sorry, mijo, but i'm an old woman, i've lived a lot.

Imzhan: i don't blame you, mama, i couldn't imagine. i know you did your best. i'm trying my best with my own family back home.

Fuerza: i hope to meet them after we defeat your boss. one connection the three of us will always share is our love of bacon, right? mmmmmm, bacon. yeah, i know men.

Cotard (nodding): yeah i love bacon.

Imzhan (nodding): yeah i love bacon.

Codrus tries to lift himself out of the water and fly into space. he gets halfway there but droops back down and crashes and burns.

Codrus (thinking to himself while up there): well this is embarrassing. i bet i look like a real jackass to everyone below. i shouldn't have skipped that lesson the Stones were projecting on a stone to show me. it was on the gracefulness of birds. i just saw "birds" and thought it was gonna be a sex thing and got embarrassed.

Uvula fishes the despot out of the water and hooks him by his gold jaw. Codrus tries to parry it by slapping her but it connects.

Uvula: don't come any closer to the people i like, don't scan for more agents, that was just a prelude, my friend, there are plenty other fish in the sea and other animals, too. quit while you still have a head.

Codrus (bloody mouth speaking his words): you're an animal! i wish i had been a nerd as well as a geek. whatever, this is easily remedied. correct the turnover, win the game. you won this game but it's still preseason. retreat!

the kids, after having pleasantly waved goodbye to and hugged everyone on the good-guy side, steer the hoverboard with Codrus in tow back to New York. they forget to take Imzhan. Imzhan don't mind.


back at evil headquarters:

Codrus brusquely slams open the door to his study. a big pumpkin is jamming the jamb. Mickey Bump is there redfaced with his feet up crossed on Codrus's desk seated using Codrus's long-coiled black phone.

Codrus: move, pumpkinhead! move it! my chair! my desk! off! drinking?

Bump: i could drink. that's not nice, boss, i can't help the shape of my head. um, Anderson, yeah, gotta go, you can stop writing my tweets, i'll be there soon. phew! that was close. what a day, had an interview with Fox here at the phone and an hour in i realize i'm talking with the Maddow chick from MSNBC. everyone's voice sounds the same. whatever, it's all the same drone. boss i just came up with a nice opening line when we go to Seattle, i'll say i'm gonna, cos you know i hate the heat, i'm gonna say i found out that it's not the ocean that causes a lot of rain, if you live near a lake you get a lot of rain cos of all the special effect, so to make perfectly sure, when i win the presidency i'm gonna summer at a ranchhouse in Seattle near a lake!

Monday, October 19, 2015


all good acting coaches are insane old ladies---Family Guy

1. look at your desktop. i have two screens on my desk now, one facing me, the other having a permanent tantrum and facing away, the screen of my apple is forever busted so i connect to a new widescreen tv screen. my desk is two large pieces of jagged wood.
a) how many icons? four, the TMIT home page, Macintosh HD, Solitaire, and Chat. whenever i push Chat, i type something in the box but nobody ever responds.
b) what 5 icons will you retire forever due to disuse? Macintosh HD, Solitaire, Chat, that little electric guitar that seemed cool at first, and OFF SWITCH
c) any sexy pic/porn folders? no but i have a lot of manila folders, i'm the Maury who's-your-daddy? folder-prepper.

2. look at your phablet. i can't, it keeps saying there was a problem with the page and it's being automatically reloaded. automatic, that's nice of them.
a) one home page or several? my home page is the TMIT home page, i start my internet day there and use that search engine box to begin my various searches, like for those huge dill pickles that come one in a bag, and bagged milk.
b) which barely-used widgets are you ready to part with? Windows 1.0, Windows 11, and an icon of a window that when you press it automatically sends an apple pie to your front stoop. the pixelated blue bird by the window sings when you make your order but it's not really singing, it's laughing at you.

3. sexy peeps, are your sexy pics/videos organized? yes, by gusher height
a) in their own directory b) special file mixed in with regular documents c) secure on a separate flash/thumb drive d) i pop in a VHS to watch porn let's just say i'm making good use of my laminated Blockbuster Lifetime Member card.

4. if you got down to serious business, like the way the internet is serious business, how would you organize?
a) verb-based (look, listen, share, photo, navigate)
b) color-coded icons
c) alphabetized
d) frequency of app use
i'm heavy into the acting nowadays and my teacher says i need to once again build up my well of sense memories, i need lived moments i can think about again and again if i need to cry on cue. i have so many such moments in my life to return to, so the assignment was easy. i got an F in Life but an A on my test.

5. five apps you can't live without? the bird stamp one, the blue note on the CD one, the electronic bulletin board, the calendar which always says July 17, 2006, and the silver question mark one. i'm scared to click on the question mark.

bonus: how many people have seen your sex tape? everyone in the world has seen the Paris Hilton sex tape.


Friday, October 16, 2015



* golf announcer 1: i can't understand what you're saying.
golf announcer 2: oh, this isn't the mumblecore audition? i thought this was the mumblecore audition.
golf announcer 1: what?

* golf announcer 1: Tiger Woods! what are you doing here joining us?
Tiger Woods: hi, oh, well, y'know, just thought this would be a fun thing to career, not doing much anymore.
golf announcer 2: when are you gonna catch Jack?
Tiger Woods: don't want to talk about it.

* golf announcer 1: OMG i feel sick!
golf announcer 2: Montezuma's Revenge?
golf announncer 1: no, Miyazaki's Revenge, this is what all his movies are about, the revenge of nature!

golf announcer 2: what the hell is that?
golf announcer 1: this is like the Apocalypse for atheists, we atheists get on our knees by our beds and pray hard every night to prevent this from happening, BUT IT STILL HAPPENED!!!

* golf announcer 2: so Tiger, what do you think of the new guns coming for your crown: Spieth, Rory, Day?
Tiger Woods: shouldn't we be helping those poor people out there?
golf announcer 2: we're not actually at the golf course, we're broadcasting from a studio on the surface of Mars. want a water?
Tiger Woods: i'm good. and for the record, i do not like the Arnold Palmer.
golf announcer 1: whoa, legend vs. legend, open diss on national tv, breaking news.
Tiger Woods: yeah, i don't really have a sweet tooth, sensitive palate, the lemonade AND the iced tea, it's just too much.


* golf announcer 1: hate to bring this up now, but it is still Seafood Sunday.
Tiger Woods: too soon, man.
golf announcer 1: i know it's just i'd hate to lose the reservation..............they have the best calamari in town.


happy weekend

Wednesday, October 14, 2015


the last time we left Atalan he was staring at an ATM. he still is...


the Brazil group have come to a new understanding of camaraderie and togetherness. their stories have formed a big green blob that are uniting them as one boulder slowly picking up speed as it goes uphill. there's no turning back. there's a sense in the air, it smells not just of chickenspace, there's a sense that this thing needs to get rolling into a conclusion soon or people will go crazy.

Uvula: what's next, boss?

Cotard: and you are? just kidding. you lead, mah dahlin.

Uvula: nah, i'm more comfortable with animals. i'm not sure this has to do with the fact that i can control them or i'm just shy. either way, it seems you are the one destined to conclude.

Cotard: destiny? fate? chance? randomness? an unseen whim? but from whom? why me? that is the eternal series of questions.

Fuerza: don't know, mijo, it just turned into you. even i can't hazard how you comprehend it. how must it feel to inhabit the space of the one who is to show the way? the one humanity pins its hopes on? how did Jesus really feel being the savior in his quiet moments away from his father? there are movies about this sort i thing i have yet to watch. you look around for help and realize you have the last thought. was it your utter ordinariness that made you special?

Cotard: i refused to take the drugs. i'm not a big drug guy, they don't taste good, they taste like balls to me, asparagus balls. my lack of cool saved us. here's to the meek in social skills, they shall inherit the social media and awkwardly flirt online with the wrong emojis.

Uvula: my animal forces from all around the globe are mobilizing: my mammals are muscular, ginned-up giraffes, the lone lion, trippin' tigers, ready rodents, illuminated iguanas, skateboarding snakes, a whale of a whales. my fish are at a fevered pitch. my birds are bustin'. my eagles are wearing glasses. oh boy, got a couple of good boys ready to take on some dog-fighting douches and overpriced vets.

Bridge: focus, the target is Codrus, he's the linchpin of all this newfound evil freedom. his base is a heavily-fortified apartment in NYC.

Kenyatta: rent-controlled?

Bridge: yes.

Kenyatta: those are the real crazies, they'll guard that property with their lives. be extra careful, people, prepare for the worst, keep a 1-UP mushroom in your pocket at all times.

Bridge: baby i know it's hard but we'll ween you off the stuff slowly. it's gotta take for our future.

there's a ring at the gate.

Erneste: you get it.

Uvula's face sweetens up when she sees her loyal companion Favor the raccoon and friends.

Uvula: Favor! second in command. but remember, SECOND in command. the good soldier. i've told you things in confidence and remember i can speak raccoon. who's this lovely lady on your arm, your girlfriend?

Favor: my mom. everyone, meet Forage. she's my rock and the one who collected rocks to board our bored hole during winters. sure our tree still came crashing down and got swept up in the river and our family dwindled down considerably but i don't blame mama for that, i blame god. mama's my everything, without her i wouldn't be here, literally, and figuratively, which mean the same thing now. i'd be dead enjoying the next life, truly living for the second time.

Uvula (after the '80s sound prompt of awwwww): awwww, as sweet as my face. Mama Fuerza, you can relate, whatchu reckon?

Fuerza: get those fleabags outta my ranch! sorry, i'm not used to all this excitement, i'm from the old country.

Uvula: my big screen is telling me that Codrus's masterplan is to...use atom bombs attached to hurricanes? seriously? let me discount double-check that for you folks. my insect spies are doubling down on the intel, they have it on good authority from the cockroaches in Codrus's studio apartment who told them before they ate their way through the second storie and it collapsed in on them. a moment of silence for our fallen martyrs. they were just voraciously hungry, following their god-given insect instincts. a cockroach is nothing without its word.

Kenyatta: huh, you hear all the time about the air force's efforts to quell hurricanes, stop Cat 5s in their tracks by dropping an atom bomb on them, that's where he got that crazy idea from. science is such a bad influence.

Uvula: he's gonna use the impossible propulsion of the hurricane's winds to carry the atom bombs all over the globe quickly before any army can react. anyone who doesn't accept his godless ways will be destroyed. he's forcing all of us to bow to him, bending our supple knees into supplication. he's the king of the world on a sinking ship, there's nothing we can do, he holds all the cards and he's the joker, he has all the power cos he has all the Stones, he's translated the ancient stone slabs, he has the lone esoteric knowledge, he's isolating to a fault, he's a secret society of one.

Bridge: not all the Stones. what about your cave?

Uvula: oh yeah, forgot about that. i'm more Beatles by the way. our one hope is that he needs hurricanes to form for his plan to work. please tell me it isn't hurricane season.

everyone: it's hurricane season.

Uvula: i told you not to tell me that. what are we gonna do?

Cotard: we have to stop the hurricanes before they make landfall, we have to attack them in the open ocean, but not with bombs. i'm thinking Waterworld.


at Codrus's apartment base:

Codrus is addressing the audience, looking right into the camera. it's like the fourth wall isn't even there for him.

close up of Codrus's face:

Codrus: ladies and gentlemen, i am sorry for this. this whole scene is all so cliche i know. to follow last week's sex with this week's violence, those two really are PB&J as much as you try to unstick them.

Codrus is sticking up with a long gun to the forehead of a Yayray bound and gagged on his knees. though with a blindfold in his mouth Yayray is still able to mutter a solid refrain to his captor.

Yayray (muffled): pig!

Codrus: yes, you are hogtied. yes i am, it's all very 1984, isn't it? yes i have a crush on Miss Piggy to this day. i love bacon, Imzhan turned me onto it. i'm into it. *deep sigh* coup de grace time. it's so hard to find good friends these days. when you're a dictator you have to be choosy, gotta be more eharmony, less, just the right peanut butter. you could have been the one, Yayray, but you got too close, you're too smart for your own god, you became an ass. arrogance is nothing without power. friends are a fine thing, like wine, just the right ph balance, personal hatred, you want your friends to rub your soul, caress it, but not to snatch it from your body. you must maintain your identity and not get swallowed up in theirs. you are who you are at the end of the day, another limited human with flaws, can't help it, can't change it, can't caress your core enough for it to crack...

Codrus really looks into the camera, he's on top of the audience, his tongue is on the glass.

Codrus: ...until now.

Codrus tries to laugh grandly and evilly but it comes out as just wheezing.

Codrus: got to work on that, been too busy training. no i haven't been training as hard as i should, that's a little white lie i'll divulge for the home audience, don't go telling Cotard. i mean i spent a few days underwater training near the site of the slabs, breath control and shit, but then you get distracted with the slabs themselves, the next line of precious writing on them, the next direction that only you have in your watery possession cos you fired your whole staff. nothing like being at the bottom of the ocean alone bubbling on a tank trying to interpret an inscription to make you think about your life. you come up and your fingers are all pruney from a hard day's work sliding them along slits. holes are where power lies.

Codrus turns to a helpless Yayray with whiplashed head and pulls the trigger pointblank. silence invades the room, there is no more sound, but there is no the blood.

Yayraj gets knocked back sharply and dies but not before seeing his last words reflected on his killer's lips through the smoke. Codrus mumbles to him:

silence to silence, dust to dust. it's not bad, not scary, it didn't hurt too much, right? think back to the time when you were not yet born, you're simply going back to that place. memoria, memoria...

Codrus: fitting for a fellow warrior.

Codrus's shoulder shawl is shimmering with agitated energy. at certain angles he becomes simply a shaft of light. he slides his finger across the labels next to his elevator door and pushes two buttons below:

FLOOR ONE: the kids (ah, beautiful innocence, what everyone returns to)
FLOOR TWO: Imzhan, second in command (and confidant i keep in the dark) (and friend)
FLOOR THREE: motherfucking me

Codrus: come on, guys!

he hides the gun in his shaft but the smoke remains not quite cleared ceiling-collecting.

the kids: what's with all the smoke? are you vaping, papa?

Codrus: never you mind. and yes, i'm trying to be cool so i can relate to you guys.

Imzhan: i'm sick being cooped up in here, it's a bad environment. i want my family to expand.

Codrus (smarmily): me, too.

and the New York group take the downward spiral stairs.

in the corridor before, though,


is the following final message sprawled out in big bold painted letters by Yayray:


Codrus: well how about that? didn't see that coming but he saw it coming, must have sensed something. good show, my friend, you will be missed.

Imzhan slides his middle finger across the red letters and tastes it.

Imzhan (recoils): shit, i thought this was gonna be strawberry jelly...


Cotard is sensing something not using any Stones power, he feels it, it's familiar instinct, familial instinct. something terrible has happened to Yayray.

Cotard (muttering to himself in his private study): this won't be easy to tell those two gorgeous aunts. he was beloved not just to them. but we shall win in his honor in the end. it's always good to have a unifying force, the gorgeousness of a group.

Cotard picks up the receiver of a replica Batphone from the '60s series that seems to be at the ranch for some reason. he chuckles and admits to himself that this does make telling the news a bit easier.

Cotard: if we all shroud ourselves in the cape of ridiculousness, it all evens out.


Monday, October 12, 2015


it was my first big performance in a while. you can't hide out there, in order to master the monologue, you must connect with your audience, whatever goes goes, if you fart you fart. my costars were worried about me, i was slumped over on top of the curtains. they chalked it up to butterflies. how could i tell them the truth? i'd lose all credibility if i admitted i got sick off the Goth Whopper at Burger King. (sidenote: they should make the cheese dark orange.) my stomach was in knots, i tried to hold it together, i got through it and then i threw up all over the stage. i went to the the bathroom. i didn't poo green, instead my butt just shone rays of bright white light for fifteen minutes. feeling better, i approached my costars for some jokes. instead they informed me that that was just the dress rehearsal. i did notice no one was in the audience. darnit, not out of the woods yet. i started getting sick to my stomach again. when i went up on stage for the real show, i noticed there was no one in the audience...

1. he turned me over and _______. held my hair as i threw up. he gives understudies a good name.

2. he grabs ____ and i ______. the popcorn and i get the popcorn ready.

3. she _______ cautiously. has children

4. now i am going to ______ the ______ you. like as a friend the fuck outta you

5. i will take you by your _____ ________. red America cap that i see everyone wearing now.

6. i slipped my hand under _____ and his/her ___ spasms. her butt to get the Parayste DVD out of the couch so we could watch it together. Shinichi spasms when Migi talks about mating and jock itch in that bathroom scene.

7. in the shower she let me _____ her ______. clog her drain (both meanings)

8. she grabbed his ______ and yanked and pulled until he _______. ponytail until it became a mohawk. he went from professor to punk.

bonus: is pornography like any other job, like acting is a job? acting is not a job, acting is a calling, lifeblood, sacrifice, you die on stage every night and you die on stage for real if it makes the scene more realistic. pornography requires exquisite breath control, flexibility, the ability to be insecure in your line delivery when you're ordering the pizza when you don't really want the pizza, and the utmost creativity when coming.........and also when coming up with different, never-before-heard-of nicknames for the penis and vagina. did you see that porn teacher skit on SNL this weekend? Weeknd?


Friday, October 9, 2015



* groom: HABOOB!
bride: oh no, my dress is showing?! nipslip?!
groom: no, HABOOB!

* bride: HABOOB!
groom: you're marrying a boob? that's not very nice, especially on our wedding day.
bride: no, HABOOB!

* bride and groom: seriously? we still have to do the sand ceremony?

* officiant: dust to dust...
bride and groom offer dirty looks.
officiant: sorry...if there's anyone here that objects to this union...
haboob hits.
officiant: ...nevermind. y'know what, let's forego all of your long-winded vows you wrote yourselves and just say this: do you love him?
bride: yes.
officiant: you love her?
groom: yes.
officiant: great. mazel tov. i'm outtie 5000.
bride and groom: thank you, that was very efficient.
officiant: i'm an efficient officiant.

* the two kiss.
bride: your breath is all hot and dusty.
groom: i took a breath mint before, i swear!


happy weekend

Wednesday, October 7, 2015


the Pope: does the Pope shit in the woods? i mean is the Pope Catholic? yes and yes. Everyone Poops, it's what connects all genders, sexes, races, classes, and orientations together into one religion of humanity. the human is the only class we all take. the homework there is brutal. never stop learning. until the aliens come. we are all part of the human race, though some are annoying human marathoners and others prefer to walk. sometimes you are forced by a bull or a bear to move finally, whether it's Pamplona or a Wall Street window. or Jordan inspires you to lace em up one last time. or Cutler inspires you to quit smoking. sometimes the bear eats you and sometimes...well most of the time the bear eats you...

crowd: PREACHER!

the Pope: ...but you make yourself the best person you can be with the thickest skin so when you get et that bear has the hardest time digesting your old bones.


Mickey Bump: i'm not gonna lie. i'm not gonna lie to you folks, i'm getting scared. i'm slipping. and i'm not talking about my poll numbers. i saw a greasy sickly moon last night, it was unreal, it was like the moon had been spray-painted with salmonella food coloring.

crowd (wearily): it was the Blood Moon, you dunce. don't you read the papers?

Bump: no, it wanted to be amber but it was chartreuse, i'm not red/yellow-colorblind but i admit it's all green to me. it's a sign. an omen. i have a lot of energy, bless my beloved parents for that, but even i'm in need of a Fox News sabbatical. i can't do this anymore...but i can't stop. the future is bleak...but i must continue...for beloved...she was there for me when my parents were on separate business trips. i must codify all this bleakness for you folks so i become a symbol upon which you design your final choices. we all must make hard choices, but it's the final choice that counts. i'm scared...not of all the shootings...but of the zombies we're becoming. we have nothing to fear but fear of the unknown itself. the eternal fear of the unknown...


Uvula: so i ran into my first love at a monastery...

Fuerza: what did i always tell you, mijo, bars are for bangin', church is for hangin'.

Uvula:...and you were there all goofy-lookin' with your wide-eyed grin and teeth that had only ever chewed greasy fast-food processed meat, you were eager to cleanse your body and soul with the bodywrap of nature. i had sworn to myself i'd never fall in love or get married but attraction seems to come from the stars. and i was sick of living with animals. i remember it as if it were yesterday...

*Lost flashback sound prompt*

Cotard: yes, it's all coming back to me now. i was brushing my teeth in front of the monastery mirror naked like you do, checking out my flabby six-pack, okay twelve-pack, realizing i had this bangin' bod for nothing, especially not banging. that got me depressed. i tried to pray but it was never quiet enough, no matter how far away i got from the other rowdy monks i could never quiet the voices in my head. then i had sex for the first time.

Uvula: um, let me tell it. so i broke the ice with talking about travel and how precious that was to me, the ability to move anywhere at any time when the seas got rough, usually by sea.

*the flashback is in full effect now, no more disembodied narration*

Cotard: yeah, i've always wanted to, that's not true, i'm just saying that to impress you. i never gave it much thought actually till now that you've brought it up. i was always in my own world, lived in my head, traveled in all that empty space up there....huh, yeah that would be pretty awesome to i see in those travel magazines...imagine writing for one of those magazines...globe-trotting and getting paid for it! that's a dream come true! i'd live like that for free! what the fuck am i doing in a monastery!? i need to get out there! i am so fucked!

Uvula (laughing): you're funny. and good-looking.

Cotard: i know, i'm funny-looking. wait, i'm good?

Uvula: yeah i think so. you're harmless, which is a change of pace from what i've been dealing with my whole life.

Cotard: what's your ex-boyfriend's name?

Uvula: society. do you mind if i kiss you?

Cotard: i don't think.

Uvula kisses Cotard's finger and sniffs around his face.

Uvula: we'll see how the night goes, mister, and you might get a suck.

Cotard: i suck at this. i can't relate to people. i need a screen. i don't know how to sex. i think i'm a porn addict.

Uvula: oh god, please tell me you didn't look at any of those Fappening pictures. what a destruction of privacy. this is what i'm saying. this is why i live in a cave. society is doomed. a lack of decency demands secrecy. no courtesy=cages, we block ourselves from each other cos the other thinks the other is a wild bear ready to pounce all the time. we don't talk anymore, we evade. and now that you've seen your favorite silver-screen stars naked, they can be thrown away like the tissue you used to see them, right? i'm sure you don't want to know their position on global warming or the pipeline after your pipes got warmed and cleaned. ashes to ashes, dust to dust, commodity to commodity. and this is me we're talking about, i despise celebrities. for the first time i felt sorry for them, something other than envy. were they ever human? were they people? did they live?

Cotard: the high life. but that's just it, it's life high, not life sober. i understand what you're saying and it's affected me. i'm starting to like you for more than your body. i don't know what it is but i feel good. i feel that i'm good. i'm a good person, damnit, no matter what anyone says about me, even me. i dunno but there's an innate sense of nobility in me, i want to do the right thing, i don't want to fall into the morally-bankrupt, relativistic morass everyone else is wading in. somehow that's lazy. it's easy to be bad, hard to be good, and harder to do good when you're hard all the time. i want to do good, be good, respect everyone, lift up the downtrodden, but i don't want to lead.

Uvula (getting misty): that's the sign of the best leaders. i feel you, i'm the same way, it doesn't come from us, it comes from before, it's our parents' genes spilling onto our tongues whenever we eat and drink and pee and poo, we leave a certain smell around us, the odor of our descendants, and we pray to Christ or Uma that they were good, didn't kill anybody illegitimately or had any illegitimate babies they threw away. then when we talk, we speak with our lineage lining our tongues, we can't help but be who we are, and we pray everyday on a stone or a scapular, a monastic or a layman's scapular, that we will never end up a psychopath, or worse, a sociopath.

the two hug, crashing noses.

Cotard: yes, yes, it's okay, it's gonna be okay, we're gonna be okay, we're gonna make it, but i'm not sure how'd we do alone caged in our own thoughts. praying all the time was getting boring for me, i never want to be comfortable again. the debate must always be fierce and opposite, we must not be afraid of the dark, the only way to break the mold is to break out of the mold. we humans must talk with one another, exchange not expunge, connect not contain, conversate not eliminate. we must build, always build, build up others, be a LeBron, we must form the human chain which holds up the weight of the wrecking ball.

Uvula: so no more porn? look at me, look at my face, touch me but not in that way, hold me, feel me, i am skin and bones and blood like you, when i bleed i bleed purple cos i'm of a royal lineage.

Cotard: you're royalty? what's Kate Middleton really like?

Uvula: no, i'm of woman, all women. my veins are your veins, i'll get them on my legs later, yours will clog with cholesterol later. i'm not an image on a screen to be deleted, a video to be hidden. i'm not a gif, i'm a gift.

Cotard: same. i mean i agree. sorry for the internet speak.

Uvula: there's nothing sexier than a feminist man. i feel close to you.

Cotard: we're still touching noses.

Uvula: butterfly kiss?

Cotard: i'm sure they do.

the two humans disrobe. Cotard is naked except for his belt which hangs around his penis. Uvula leaves her hoodie on.

Cotard: i'm a novice. beginner-level. naughty noob. where do i place this? is this the part where i pull your hair? eating cum, when does that discussion take place? is this where i call you bitch? all five holes at once?

Uvula: must be the deep web. you have a hole in your head. never call me bitch. or witch. unless it's Halloween and i'm in costume. or it's not Halloween and we're role-playing. let me take the lead, i saw two grizzly bears doing it once one morning just outside my cave entrance, i picked up a few pointers, that's a scene that permanently burns into your psyche. getting on all fours comes naturally for me. oh, and before we begin, think of this as vespers and


Cotard: you can borrow all my extra prayers, don't tell Boss Abbot but i've been slacking in the vespers department, i don't do it anymore, i get sleepy after dinner, i go to my cell and watch movies instead.

Cotard inserts awkwardly and starts moving up-and-down before getting more into the flow sideways up-and-down. he slaps his own ass the whole time.

Uvula: i hope this doesn't hurt.

Cotard: i think it's supposed to hurt good. are you feeling anything? am i ravishing you yet?

Uvula: i think so. or maybe it's just gas. i drank too much of your lakewater. you should really get that swill tested.

Cotard: no plumber is willing to climb all the way up here. where's Mario when you need him? or Marcio? that agua is prolly riddled with bacteria.

Uvula fake-moans.

Cotard: i don't think i'm cumming from this.

Uvula: that's a good thing. look at the waterfall over there, it'll induce you.

Cotard: you're right, it's working. it's all the same system of pipes, right? pee, cum, poo, liquids, fluid, we're all water, we fly through the fluidity of space, we're all connected through infrastructure. i think i'm cumming. nature calls, and the calling to nature. i'm coming, nature!

Cotard races to the tip of the waterfall that spills into the lake and cums into the rushing spray of the falls. his o face is obscured.

Uvula: ohhhhhhhkay. how was it for you?

Cotard: i feel at one with the universe.

Uvula: so hot. tingling waves rolling across my body. it's the hot flashes, i get hot flashes.

Cotard: have a drink. oh yeah, right. wait, i've got the perfect thing. where's my robe? i've got deep pockets.

Cotard takes out two mugs and two cans from his robepockets. with a devilish grin and tongue gently bit, he pours out the two cans of LeBron's Mix Sprite into one overflowing mug and tosses the other mug into the lake.

Cotard: hide the evidence, first thing you learn in the monastery. this is very special, this Sprite is very rare, a pain in the ass to get, the nearest store that carries it is next to the only plumber store in town. but this is a special occasion, this calls for something special, you're worth it, the mutual laying of the foundation for a friendship of fire. virgins no more. 40 is just a number.

the two sip from the same rim.

Uvula: awww, you're cute. and better, sweet. you deserve a treat. don't worry, i won't tell the Abbot you should be drinking wine instead.

Cotard: you're a top bird. the bee's knees.

Uvula: you really are good-looking you know.

Cotard: thank you. no one has ever said that to me before. not even my mom.

*sound prompt, back to the present reality*

Bridge and the rest of the crew are stunned into rapt attention, eating their pasteis de nata with mouths agape. mama Fuerza dips hers circularly in the egg yolk collecting collectively on the one communal plate and closes her agape mouth to eat.

Uvula: after that we kinda drifted apart. actually the Abbot was jealous of our love and banned me from the monastery forever. the last time i saw you you were swigging the fuck outta that lakewater. i returned to my becoming the Animal Queen. anyway, i just want you to know you were so much more to me than a one-night stand.

Cotard holds Uvula's hoodied head tight in his embrace, making the sign of the cross on her forehead.

Cotard: bless you, my child.

Uvula (losing oxygen): .......................


he hugs her properly.


Wolf is still in his daughter's room. he slept in her bed.

Cub (getting back from junior college): you haven't moved a muscle. does this mean i can have my own apartment?

Wolf (yawning): um, ask your mother.

Cub: i would but you're always hogging my instagram.

Wolf: hey have you ever noticed that no big news happens on the weekends? if there's a monumental event, it always waits for the weekdays to happen, it wants to make sure everyone has sobered up and is paying attention. who's this boy? he's everywhere on the internets. is he a meme or something? see? i'm learning the internet leet speak.

Cub: just don't start using bae unless you're referring to mom. this boy has become a symbol of hope, a nonpolitical all-inclusive one. his pictures have been plastered all over the world. who knows? maybe some other planets, too. he is such the face of innocence. his cheeks are rosy, he smiles and gives the thumbs up, he's wearing the jersey of his favorite soccer player that week. his feed is all about soccer, the beautiful game, his shoe collection, his attempts at the Rooney bicycle kick, and his adulation of his older brother who taught him the game. he's a lake of calm in our modern waterfall of rushing. he's a moment savored instead of a moment branded. and rebranded.

Wolf: that thumbs up of his and his utterly genuine smile make me happy. feel-good. a good feel. vibing. i wish i were a kid again.

Cub: i wish i had kids.

Wolf: i'm pregnant.

Cub: what?

Wolf: i'm pregnant with purpose. i know what i must do. i must save the world, i must protect the kids like him from the bad-seed kids.

Cub: so you're gonna start reporting on good news?

Wolf: no, our ratings would go in the gutter.