Friday, August 28, 2020

LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOURGLASS




notes:

* TIK TOK, TikTok! your time is running out!!!

* can you cook steak in the air fryer? asking for a friend

* OMG this steak is so good! so juicy, so tender, with the grillmarks, so savory with the lemon salt! i'm choking on it the portions are too big for my tiny throat and gallant gullet but i can't stop! this is what Romanov kings used to lure businessmen to sign bad deals, it wasn't the opium dens nor the brothels, it was the restaurants!!!

* btw, TikTok is known as Douyin in China, which means acne marks...jus sayin...

* if this doesn't convince Trump, i don't know what will. does the man have a heart?

* i'm sure these are all lava-hot massive youtube celebrities that everyone knows but i have no idea...

* Joni Mitchell came out of retirement for this one, come on, guys...

* that boy's gonna lift a garage!

* football player NBA rookie newly-signed who will get cut Week One cos he plays for the Bucs and he asked Tom Brady for an autograph under the huddle during practice...

* Rubenesque women!
Rubens: and all i wanted was a Nescafe.  
Michael Stipe: not funny.
Rubens: you know when i was coming up all the photogs told me to lose weight. and to only paint women eating carrots...

* it's not the funny way i do my hair, my hair's frizzy and unmanageable...

* that woman is destined to play Pink Diamond in the live-action film!

* not Eskimo pies

* SEE!!!? even Steve Aoki recognizes that he needs to start eating apples!!! too many cakes consumed!!!

* i do love Steve Aoki's shirt tho, the silhouette wearing a mask, nice touch

* put your comb up there...if you know what i mean...we're more than friends...we're good friends...

* cool wheelchair with not wheels but cowboy hats, it's a Texas thing

* Veruca Salt getting ready for prom...

* RuPaul needs to become an SNL cast member...

* DANCING is the covid vaccine!!!
Nurse Ratched: SHHHH! shut up! lights out!!!

* Dave Mirra is looking down on that halfpipe and smiling

* that is such a Rebecca Sugar lyric, "the castle wall of you"

* ready for some Pearl slash cosplay with top hat tails and cane

* Angry Grandpa has mellowed...

* see? the ancients knew about masks. they always had theirs on. that's how they communicated with the wind in the mountains, how they were able to hear the vibrations in their drums

* she graduated from the Dance Academy in New York. she worked at the bodega during the day and schooled at night. she got her Twerking Degree from DeVry. who of the three will make it? Flashdance 2: Silver Lake, Summer 2021...

* Nike shoebox...

* that's actually one person with three heads dancing...

* Ghost 1990 reboot...

* old lady at the end twerking: SEE!!!? dammit this is my REVENGE!!! i wanted to be a showgirl my whole life but i got blocked! SCREW YOU, HOWARD HUGHES!!!


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Burger King. gonna take the plunge. gonna see, gonna find out once and for all whether Burger King's spicy nuggets measure up to Wendy's Spicy Nugs...





Wednesday, August 26, 2020

SAX, PLAY US OUT: PASSAGES FROM DEAD LETTERS



Mardith: there's to be a wedding!!!!!

Madame Pons: please say it's not yours, girl!

Mardith looks around the pile mush of wet brown leaves in and around the sidewalk snaking around all the apartment building complex. she stops herself to survey the scope, scrape her knees, and sniff around, to investigate. she looks east toward the bustling street and west toward the construction block. then she finally looks up...

Mardith: oh it's so nice to have an overcast backdrop, i can see again! yet I should be the mad one here! as in i'm young! who's the parent in this relationship! DO NOT TELL ME YOU'RE MARRYING DIRG, SISTA!!!

Madame Pons: same. to you. you're not marrying Dirg, right?

the two share a hug and breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Pat: wait is it my wedding? has my spy come back from overseas? she's taking "indoor classes" over there...

Charlotte Coleman: you mean across the pond, right? that's what my Texan always says...

Lance Armstrong: take this from me, i'm a world traveler, everywhere around the world, America means Texas...

Takahashi: no, Pat. but cheer up, buddy, i brought the Lays! yeah, all yours! take the whole variety pack! see? you can have either the yellow or the orange Lays...here, spice it up with some of my leftover packets of Taco Bell Breakfast Salsa laying around in my glove compartment lying to you in their message balloons...warning, do not put this sauce on a biscuit already flavored chicken...

Dirg: that Lays commercial...Lays are for furries...that was the actual tagline of that commercial, i swear! the guy in the bear suit riding a bike...remember in the '80s when a guy in a bear suit was a harmless thing at birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese circuses?

*there's a knock at the locked door*

Dirg: what is it this time? let me guess, Teal Swan for Orchid Girls?...

Gladyce and Doryce are at Denny's...preparing...

Gladyce: I CAN'T EAT THAT, DEAR!!! the portions are too big, bih!!! i gotta save my stomach. i love my lining too much.

Doryce: i, do, too. yours.

Mardith scans the AT&T stream...

Mardith: that kind of depressing youtube comment can't come from a girl!

Mardith: Pons, my precious parent, i love you too much to fail. i'm young but i'm spry. heed my advice: all this struggle you've been through in your life, it's a sign, a good sign, that the universe deems you ready to make a breakthrough. the breakthrough always comes at the point of greatest hardship.

Dirg: did you ever get that narrator for your pieces? i've got the perfect voice for you guys: Antony Hegarty...

President Bump looks out to sea. this time, to see two hurricanes barreling toward him on a rageful path.

Bump: do these glasses work? they're too bright! i'm seeing double. two circles...

Pence: i'm getting ready for my Hollywood audition tonight, sir, did you borrow my box of Reverse Just For Men again?...

Bump: i mean this is gonna be dumb. these last two months, when i lose and Biden becomes Prez, politics will die in this country, nobody will discuss politics anymore, won't be the focus of public life, nobody will care anymore. back to 24/7 non-political Hollywood entertainment-for-the-masses. and don't get me started on QAnon, they're gonna become the Party from the ashes from the embers, after the Republican Party dies.

Pence: the Republican party is already dead, sir.  don't ask me, don't at me. i'm going back to my farm. Pompeo is not handsome enough to become President, he looks like a bloated Superman. 

Bump: i mean what is it gonna be? ZOOM DEBATES!!!? Biden and me in separate rooms!!!?

Neil Gaiman: that sandman kid. he say he was falsely accused but then he runs to the RNC. if he had run to the DNC he'd have a point...

DMC warm their hands by the fire outside in the snow...

Scott Baio: i love how First Lady Melania wore that same olive-green coat that caused so much controversy before to her speech last night. Controversy Coat. Coat of Controversy. Coat of Many Controversies. looks like a warm blanket i can wrap around in so i feel safe in this country, i have a thing for blankets...

Cecily Strong: see it sucks that i literally HAVE to watch the Republican Convention for work...all 1776 hours of it for my job...sad, really sad this time...i would do ANYTHING to get out of it but i can't...somebody, online, if you have any Schitt's Creek video-bites, drop those video-nuggets in my DMs to DISTRACT ME PLEASE!!!

Rubikon: i can't join you out on your fast-food jaunts anymore, Takahashi...

Dirg: aw don't be sore, just wear your safari hat when you're out with us...

Cotard: the Communion Host isn't doing it for me anymore, i'm still sluggish, i need to clear the shelves of the Walgreens-On-A-Hill of all their Metamucil...

Dirg: everyone on Instagram has an imminent book launch in a week for their stupid e-book, it's annoying...

Dirg: it's even more annoying! those aren't e-books, those are real books! they wasted trees on those things!

Tyzik: see? Hurricane Laura Palmer. this was all predicted in the episodes and the made-for-cable movie.

Takahashi: Zoltar commercial, you can break the glass but you can't shake hands with Zoltar anymore. 

Dr. Vacc: notice how no one talks about dex anymore? i'm selling it out of the trunk of my car. WHAT'S THAT SOUND!!!? i get 'Nam flashbacks every time i hear a Code Blue light...

Takahashi: not the rumble roar of thunder, rolling skateboard wheels. on the sidewalk. 

Takahashi makes the hang-loose sign with his thumb and pinkie.

Federer in an apartment-room bed with his left leg in a cast pointing up on a stretcher pulley: what fuckery is this. Maria Sakkari and Stefanos Tsitsipas BOTH won the U.S. Open this year!! in this covid-crazy tournament where no one attended. fans nor players. the Couple Slam!! the two have since reestablished and reconstituted Mount Olympus in the sky... 

the cat familiars eat their mush of strained peas pate and fancy feast lickable delight chicken-shrimp flavor with a pasta straw, a stroodle...

Laertus, working hard flinging around his scissors: hey where's your Mood Board, Dirg!? don't slack off! this is the Hollywood writing process! this is how everyone in the industry gets ideas!!!

Dirg eats a bottle of glitter paste.

Mardith: i'd love to travel someday, really travel. i mean the ultimate rainfall-showerhead is the Rain Vortex in Singapore...

Pons: it pours as you sing in the shower. free soaps for you from me, girlie...…...when you're ready...…...to travel...

in the last room explored in the entire apartment complex building, in the one in the very center that everyone thought was a locked janitor broom closet, the secret shadow real leader of the Orchid Girls Obec Chapter emerges for some gum. it's Claudia Conway...

Michael Weiss in the elevator right by Claudia's room as "Televators" by The Mars Volta plays inside the elevator: Instagram is Fantasy Island...

Jim Cantore: guys. guys. Moby is my son...

Pons: Telfar Clemens, i didn't have to go far to rinse the thought of Roger Clemens from my mouth! the site says to try new things: i'm all for mouthwash but no more baseball. i'm gonna sell mouthwash at my LUSH chapter. that delicious huge black man naked display, his photo overhanging the art studio i went to last night for zoom-date and location research...

Pons lets out a deep sigh. Mardith the empath-in-training lets out a sympathic sigh. they both form one cheek of blush...

Pat goes to the corner and cries. his tears are getting in his paper oyster-pail of zongzi...

Nadal: that's Chinese tamale...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: so audiences didn't go for an adult Donald Duck.

Bump: …

Tyzik: but would they have gone for an adult Mickey Mouse?

Bakshi chomping a cigar: don't bet on it. hey i tried with Mighty Mouse... 

Eye Luggage: Four Weddings and a Funeral and go.

Laertus: off the bat, we must talk about the tragic life of Charlotte Coleman. poor girl. she coulda been what Emma Watson is now...

Eye: she was essentially Emma Watson of the '90s!

Dirg: i keep a wallet-size of that haunting wedding portrait of Charlotte and her beloved---Charlotte's REAL wedding, not her character's pretend film wedding---in my pocket at all times. and i pull it out and look at it whenever i'm in a church, you know to remind me...

Eye: that picture is so ethereal, ghostly...

Dirg: true love. two crazy kids. woman meets man. marrying an artist. see? i told you bikes are bad news! i NEVER watch the Tour de France on principle!!! i wonder if they recited W.H. Auden's "Funeral Blues" at Charlotte's real funeral...

Dirg: ...recited masterfully and hauntingly by the same actor who did it in the film, Sheldon from Big Bang Theory... 

Laertus: without this film, you wouldn't know who Hugh Grant was. the entire world would have no idea who Hugh Grant was. at least not the Hugh Grant we know now...

Eye: Globe + Mail in Britain. i don't get the whole Hugh Grant thing. i mean i get all the rain under the brolly and the sour London mood and the British accent and everything but not the Hugh Grant thing. 

Kurt Cobain: London rain and Seattle rain are different animals...and yet one sign of the beast...

Dirg: what do you mean! Hugh Grant was the ultimate '90s guy! Hugh the metrosexual, the cute little monkey who's sensitive to women's needs but with that underbrow of simmering snarky sarcasm where he could joke about his own suicide...

Eye: this was the ONE moment in time for Emma Thompson's sister to surpass Emma. she had her chance here...

Laertus: Rowan Atkinson is in EVERY ONE of THESE kinds of films, EVERY ONE. he MUST be in THIS KIND of film. 

Cotard: i must confess, for a while there i thought Kristin Scott Thomas's secret lover was her fucking the novice priest Mr. Bean...

Cotard: ...i mean it's the same thing that happened to my brain when i saw Ardal O'Hanlon play a serious detective on PBS last night, i just couldn't wrap my head around that concept like i can the concept of God...

Eye: remember Kristin Scott Thomas? like there was that three-year period in the '90s when it was All Kristin All The Time. 

Dirg: her entire career swiveled on that English Patient episode of Seinfeld... 

Laertus: she got dem red juicy lips. 

Eye: in an international online poll of British viewers and watchers, they said Andie MacDowell's character in this was the most annoying female character in British film history. yeah i don't get that, i thought she was fine in this, i didn't get wafts of annoying coming off her like stinklines.
 
Dirg: are you sure that poll didn't also include British voyeurs?

Laertus: the British are just jealous of Andie's bright white strong sturdy teeth! that smile could cure cancer! 

Dirg: i mean she was kinda annoying when she was listing off ALL of her lovers on her little fingers when they were in the cafe, if a guy did that he'd be a slut...

Laertus: the Anna Chancellor character...

Dirg: ...the needy one, the one who cries at the drop of a hat, a fascinator no less, can't be happy without a man but won't be happy with a man...

Laertus: i swear that was the original template for Janice on Friends... 

Eye: who herself is just mini-Fran Drescher.

Jennifer Aniston: Hugh Grant stole my hair idea! 

Laertus: okay, best performance from this little surprise-hit: it's that guy from the hotel who slums on the couch drunk when Hugh and Andie first spend the night together after the first wedding. that was a great performance! i ended up feeling sorry for this man! he was so earnest.

Eye: i made a bet with myself having never seen this: i was guessing who the Funeral in the title would be. i thought they'd really go for it and make the death Hugh or Andie...

Laertus: yes. but i do love how this thing weaves all five events together in a connected collection of humanity. it all ties together quite nicely. kinda cool the boy who delivers the eulogy was that hearty old Englishman joie-de-vivre mensch with the greying beard in the Scottish kilt's lover. toyboy i guess.

Dirg: i hope Simon Cowell is gonna be okay...

Rubikon gives Dirg a dirty look from the dirty side of the hurricane.

Laertus: having that deaf character, that was a surprise, nice touch. love is better silent anyway, that coupling's gonna last.

Dirg: after Hugh witnessing sex that ribald and rambunctious, that dummy waiter's gotta go. that butter scraped on it oh it is too sour.

Eye: uh, dumbwaiter.

Dirg: talk about the indian in the cupboard. serial monogamy? guys, don't fall for it!!! it's a '90s ploy!!! that shit doesn't exist anymore!!!

Laertus: stick with the pick-up artist? remember, buddy, there is such a thing as "one true love". in your case, it's you, Dirg. at the beginning of this film, they had to censor all the FUCKS said or the Christian conservatives wouldn't let it get big in America. ah, remember when the Republican party was like this? harmless, just concerned with bad words.

SLC Punk: still not cool for me, dude.

Laertus: they said FUCK so many times i was sure Hugh would end up saying FUCK to the priest outside the church and the unsuspecting bride and groom by the van before he could stop his handsome lips from lip.

Eye: they replaced fuck with bugger. now that's hilarious. American audiences would be waiting for Jeff Goldblum to show up...

Laertus: for the entire movie i had no idea what the relationship between Hugh and Charlotte Coleman was. 

Dirg: don't get kinky on me, man.

Laertus: turns out she's his sister, but that's never explicitly mentioned in the film script. a point was made not to show their jobs. but hey, being a professional wedding guest is a brilliant job!

Cotard: like those priests on Father Ted where being a priest was like being a construction worker or barbers on the Barbary Coast...

Dirg: okay and i'm serious now, i want Henrietta to fight Rocky for real, that franchise is getting stale...

Chuck E Cheese: that bird is mine...

Dirg: wait, lifelong commitment without marriage? I'M IN!!!...…...wait...

Dirg: the Grenadier Guards all overdosed on grenadine syrup. and the Brits just slip in the incest there anime-style...

Boris: don't look at my face...

Eye: did any of you get that subtlety at the end there on first watch? i got it but i'm sure you lot o' blokes who are not into the romantic mushymushy missed it.

Laertus: i know what you're talking about: Fiona always wanted to marry Charles, well she does marry a Charles in the end, Prince Charles...

Dirg: yeah so Kristin Scott Thomas, it's like she's in another movie, she's playing Miss Scarlet from Clue...g'ni...

Eye: so overall this was good. takes a while to rev up but it comes together in the end. when you look up ROMCOM in the dictionary, you get a poster of this film. jolly good show, mates, cheers. 

Dirg: tally-ho, ho. this film made me wet wet wet.

Eye: strangely, Andie MacDowell didn't get the bump, the meteor, she didn't become the lava-hot global superstar that Hugh Grant did from this. Elizabeth Hurley ended up with all of Andie's shine!!! 

at the ceremony on top of the building, on a green verdant lush lawn, the guests which are everyone gather around the expectant couple.

Doryce: expecting a wild kiss that is. 

Pat hands out favors from a large silver tray he's holding on his head, food favors, he passes out English muffins to all the guests, nooks and crannies stuffed inside nooks and crannies...

Kristin Scott: i made those...

Orchid Girls: we're renaming nooks and crannies jelly and butta...

Doryce: i love the English muffin seedy bottom...

Gladyce: the smooth rough bottom...

Doryce: wait, are we getting married? for the first time? or are we renewing our vows?

Gladyce: oh dear it doesn't matter, we're the best couple this block will ever have forever!!! we're sensations!!

the two crones French kiss for two days and form one tongue...

Doryce: who smells like chlorine? step up, young man, and give us your wedding gift.

Boc hands them a long beige box.

Boc: uh, young woman. it's the box i keep my oxblood monk shoes in, i use these dress shoes when i water the lawn to collect all the mud. that's how special i think the event is. i hope you enjoy all i did to make it green for the big day, i rushed it, watered evey damn day for a week!!!

Doryce: kinda a raggedy hope chest but i'll take it.

Gladyce: oh dear, please keep this. Boc, it's your momento. your treasure. i see two items underneath the soles of the shoes...

Boc: yes, a rubberband and a feather. the rubberband i found on the roof ground and used as the nozzle till i got a proper nozzle. the other is a feather which fell from the sky into my lip the first time i watered this lawn. made me think my mother who was once my father was watching over me...

Boc returns to his room to find a blank Hallmark card under the door. he picks it up and reads it:

it's from Germane:

thank you for all you do, Boc. as gratitude and thanks i have personally used your hose to wash a brand new car which is yours now. just empty the trunk of any contraband pills, needles, and/or spit-takes...

Boc to himself: but how did you get the car on the roof?

Boc flips to the second page of the card:

i knew you'd want to know how i got the car on the roof. the answer is nevermind that. i found it quite meditative to wash your car...

the tenants race around the building, run in the hallways and fly off stairs and elevators to locate and uncover any more Hallmark cards. they find Germane's landlord room off the elevator shaft that no one had ever seen, never seen him in a room, he was always skulking around trying to help. with their collective might they push the door hard in, it's locked from the inside. inside the room there is nowhere to breathe, the space is completely stuffed with thank-you letters the tenants wrote to Germane. some fly away through the highrise window turning themselves into paper airplanes...

some are caught before...

Vacc: i got one!

Vacc reads:

when i was a kid, all i wanted for Christmas was a Nintendo greybox...

Takahashi nods, blushes, and smiles.

when you're an old man like i am, all i want now is an air fryer.

Jim Cantore jumping up: i got one!:

when i was a kid, i thought when the hurricane-hunter planes would enter a hurricane their planes were so powerful they would destroy the hurricane. 

Lily from AT&T: how did i survive so long? for this long? how did i survive all those live convention appearances?

Dirg: you got lucky, we nerds love cute furry things, we get distracted, and you represented the squirrel...

Lily reads from her letter from Germane:

this is what i mean. online: terrible human invention, claptrap contraption. a machinery of convenience, we humans sold our souls cos we had the crazy idea that communicating online was better than writing letters to each other. it's easy to hate, to hurt that which we do not feel. online, it should have never happened. should have been blowed up from its inception...

Germane has not been seen nor heard from in weeks. and never shall again. all Germane ever wanted as payment was for his tenants to write thank-you notes. everyone would get in the habit of writing thank-you notes to each other, when we used to write letters, all that muscle memory lost, that finger memory.

all the tenants know, though they can't see Germane smiling, they know he is smiling, they remember his smile.










Monday, August 24, 2020

TMIT: NUNS WITH GUNS!!



1. how important is religion in your life? i'm a monk who fucks

2. how often do you use pornography? is it weird that my priest knows who Stormy Daniels is?

3. do you feel your religion restricts sexual behavior?

i'm Catholic so we're renown the world over for having a lot of guilt. we feel guilty over EVERYTHING. we can be made to feel guilty about ANYTHING. i tried to talk to my priest about this in the confessional booth but all he ever wants to talk about with me is lawn-care tips, he's obsessed with how my monk garden is going, if it grows in summer, if the tomatoes have ripened yet. so i guess i'm a lapsed Catholic, but i mean you're either in or out, right? you're either all in or all out. you either follow the rules or you don't. one night when my priest wasn't home i rang my Scoutmaster but he wasn't home...

4. is your participation in sex, of any kind, tempered because of your own religious beliefs?

it was. but then i watched that skit from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life, you know the one, condoms, Protestants and French ticklers, and i felt much better.

5. can you be kinky and practice religion? sure!!! look at Madonna!!!

BONUS: are you aspiring to anything?

continuing with my mini-novels on Instagram.........as long as Instagram remains a platform.........

oh, thanks for the link, i called my priest but he wasn't home so i'm gonna phone my psychiatrist and talk about the article with him and then carpool with him to go vote. have you ever been in a car when a priest is driving? it's an experience.






Friday, August 21, 2020

ZOOM SCHZOOM



notes:

* not a radio, actually a really fancy picture frame...

* not lemons, two yellow cups...not a college trigger, yellow cups not red cups...

* giant electric outlet plug as modern art, frilly mary jane shoes, sweet potato pickle jar...

* i need one of those pools that opens up and becomes a barbecue

* not for nothing but i really wish Lab Rats would come back...Geico commercials aren't enough of a taste...

* be honest, you thought this was a Geico commercial, right? it's actually a Snickers commercial, which, okay

* not lemonade, Italian ice

* woman: i'm wearing some heavy symbolic jewelry, you noticed, right? one of them is the whale-shaped ship from Flight of the Navigator, the other is the giant sea turtle from Last Airbender, Aang himself told me he thought i was cute.

* man: so i'm unbuttoning one ONE button on my blue shirt here not to be immodest NOT TO BE IMMODEST, just so i can spool the mic through...

* aliens: should we be the first visitors? this planet is looking rough, i mean REALLY rough, haven't seen this planet this rough in millennia...

* man: what do you guys want to drink? i blow on them for luck, not dust collected cos we haven't had visitors for 19 years.

* man on couch: nice socks.

* man on couch: stop it i'm not Ron Jeremy's son. my dad's gonna beat this...

* wife: the moral of the story is...Earth, the final frontier...we never beat the virus, it just stayed with us forever...became endemic in our air, water, and windows...we got too used to screens and never visited each other again...can a relationship be 100% online and typed?...the kicker was we were told to go outside but the air quality from the fires was so thick we couldn't...

* oh yeah, the vaccine turned out to be nougat


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell. cos Taco Bell always has that "new" thing that is never really a new thing, it's just a new way to twist a Crunchrito into a shape that's never been seen before, stacked with another one, and coated in Doritos dust





Wednesday, August 19, 2020

SAX, PLAY US OUT: HOW THE DUCK WAS FUCKED



Tyzik: what were we talking about again?......i mean...

Eye Luggage: scungilli, looks like my retainer...uh, looked like my retainer.

Tyzik: not to be confused with surimi, Vanilla Sky and Tom's daughter and all that...

Dirg: one day there will be fish in the sky...and y'all will be sorry...

Boc: we're all looking for ways to relax. i love Martin Yan. he's still at it doing shows for PBS, the man never ages. 

Germane: Naruto just copied chakra from tai-chi.

Vacc: tai-chi is the true secret to the universe, it can heal anything...disclaimer: not making any claims here...

Boc: Martin is a big proponent of ginko nuts. but i think he just likes saying ginko.

Dirg: i want that maiden's hair. my dad takes gingko biloba for memory.

Laertus: hold your horses, pal, k before g or g before k?

Dirg: which is not a good thing cos dad's a bad guy with fists and a long memory. Sagaponack means "Land of the Big Ground Nuts", reminds me of me after an incoherent pinochle session with dad by the den fire. Martin is singing opera in the green mountains but how can you tell?

Laertus: i love Martin, too, he's very calming. and i love his audiences. they are always those neatly-dressed prim proper older San Francisco residents with the patches on their purses who don't make a fuss and clap at everything. and when Martin's cooking for two special people seated on the soundstage next to his wok watch their eyes, their eyes are SO BIG at the prospect of getting to sample Martin's food in real time!!!

Dirg: they are contracted to laugh at his jokes. anime eyes, which came first, the chicken egg.

Laertus: you know Games of Berkeley, right? you envision the owner of that place, what he would look like. he wouldn't be a neckbeard, he'd have an actual wizard beard on his neck. and a folktronica album cover on his T-shirt.

Cotard: i invented folktronica but it was within the walls of the monastery so no one knew. 

Dirg: The Resistance is flagging, i'm gonna flag them, red flag warning, the lead is tightening...

Boc: it's not fair to my poor lawn up there! we FINALLY get a break from the obscene heat, we get a high below 80, and none of it is felt cos we can't go outdoors cos of the fires and the Dune white worm of ash that formed on the streets.

Laertus: so anyway...GOB is where i went to finally get into marble racing...

Takahashi: my dad probably has images of bright lights from a McDonald's in Lake Tahoe, eating a french fry at two years old, he probably saw an amber '70s McDonald's ashtray at the corner of his eye siting at the corner of the restaurant, not having any idea what that was...

Jada: if you worked at a fast-food restaurant, would you answer the phone?!! HELL NAW!!! i'm gonna play Kamala Harris!!!

Takahashi: i've lived in the area for years, but i've never walked down Hollywood Blvd. with my dad or anyone, the place with all the names on stars on the infamous parallel sidewalks. 

Dirg: no thankssssssssssss

Takahashi: most importantly, i need to eat at that Hollywood McDonald's. the leaning M on top of that roof makes it so distinctive!!!

Dirg: it's all a hazard. a hazard to earth life.

Takahashi: if you want to get to know a country, a nation, a state, a city, a town, a village, step inside their McDonald's. that tilting M makes you want to hang out, makes it looks like a museum.

Boc: i can attach my hose to that giant water spigot!

Takahashi: i don't visit a foreign place like a tourist. i visit their McDonald's, that's my sightseeing. i look at that pic of two swarthy brothers hugging each's beltbuckle and giving the peace sign under the lit Golden Arches under the stars, that is their Eiffel Tower. that is EVERYONE's real Eiffel Tower!

Laertus: speaking of Takahashi, what'd you think of Piano?

Eye: in love with this 10-episode anime. the girl lead is so damn cute with that two-wave hair! it's adorable every time she questions the fuckery going on in her life, her yelp of bewildered astonishment must have made the voice actress laugh. quiet girls are always a trip.

Takahashi: the bubbly sister was a more interesting character, i want to know the relationship the sister and the music-teacher who stares out the window every episode for no reason had, i want the next series to be about them, i want to see the sex scene between these two on the piano Fabulous Baker Boys style.  

Mardith: what's this?

Dirg: the ultimate pick-up line. i drew you on this piece of paper and posted it to Instagram.

Mardith: this is actually pretty good. 

Dirg: you have to post it to your actual Instagram page, not your DMs or instastories or it doesn't count...

Takahashi: Hollywood is the ultimate college town. Instagram is the ultimate reality show.

Jenny Baranick: i've come a long distance from Obec U. you haven't seen me, i'm very busy being a mother to my young child during this pandemic.

Dirg: Jewish mothers are the best! and the most raising! and the hottest!

Jenny: we do the best mothering. i got a very special Orchid Girl to teach next. hopefully in a room that isn't already caked! now remember: medieval lowercase is the Pulp Fiction line. uppercase Medieval lowercase times is the history. uppercase Medieval uppercase Times is where you go for wenches and strip-club wings.

Jim Cantore: YOWZA!!! guys, i just discovered Vanquish! Vanquish are real-life senzu beans!!!

Takahashi: working at a Five Guys in the dead of summer, no air-conditioning cos the owner wants it natural, hotter than hell, surrounded on all sides by a snaking pile of heavy weaved bags of whole shelled salted peanuts, THAT's as bad as it gets.

Anderson Cooper: welcome to the club, honey!

Pat: Tabouli for the groupies! it's so nice how we get together every week, zoom meetings schzoom meetings.

Madame Pons: can we convert the refrigerator into a walk-in icebox? i'm baking in here without my washing soaps!!!

Gladyce: how was the cold shower, dear?

Doryce: it was a two-packs-of-cigarettes-in-the-titties kind of day. it wasn't so much a cold shower as a lukewarm shower...why i hate cold showers...

Luke Skywalker: i had to take many cold showers...my sister is Princess Leia...

Dirg: *shouting at the screen fist raised in the air* HEY!!! nobody wants to watch you exercising on Instagram!!!...

Doryce: and the tomato bisque, i mean that was just hot ketchup...

Madame Pons: you know, putting away and i mean putting away ALL ALL the groceries, all 17 bags of groceries, is a meditative act, too.

Mardith: you ATE all the groceries!!!?

Madame Pons: no, put them away in the refrigerator.  

Mardith: yeah but you put them away on the LUSH shelves...

Laertus is talking with Gladyce as the two share a cream tea:

Laertus: yeah Trolli Sour Brite All Star Mix.

Gladyce: the what, dear? all this clotted cream is clogging my arteries!!!

Laertus: those gummi worms. well they have new shapes now, and one of the shapes is small hands. that's the perfect troll!!!

*Gladyce laughs*

*President Bump laughs because of peer pressure*

Rubikon: come on, man! they had to name her after chicken?!!!

Rubio: okay fine, i'm jealous. Eva Longoria was the one who got away...

Mardith helps Madame Pons fill out the love application:

Mardith: okay it says here...so why do you want to have children?

Madame Pons: who said anything about children!

Mardith: well you put down cos of the tawse, the whip for schoolchildren, you said you could use the tawse yourself for later...

Pons: i need sleep, i'm starting to hear university bells ringing in my ear...

Mardith: university bells are Tibetan prayer bowls...

Cotard: agreed, college is where i had my first calling...

Paul Kindersley: which way to Orchid Girls?...

Dirg: i'm not being racist, it's just the truth. Spanish people love to break out into song spontaneously, especially at McDonald's...

Pons: okay so i'm about ready to send. just gonna use my big nails-did spell finger to hover it right above the key and...about to send...

Mardith snaps the finger away.

Mardith: WAIT!!! you were just about to buy a Costco crate of doTerra essential oils!!!...

Dirg: MLM is a scam...

Dirg looks at a hazy smoky Rubikon who's giving him the finger with his eye.

Dirg: *hands up* i didn't say BLM...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh...…...it was something...…...but i forgot it...…...

Eye: Howard the Duck and go.

Dirg: off the bat......i mean, come on, this is obviously about sick bestiality, the lurid human imagination wanting to see it on screen...

Laertus: considered one of the worst films ever made. 

Dirg: George Lucas left Star Wars and Metalocalypse for THIS!!!?...
 
Eye: for Lea Thompson, she had to call up Michael J Fox after this to make sure her career was still intact and on track. for Jeffrey Jones, well, he had bigger problems...

Laertus: i found this charming, actually. in a small-scale way. did anybody have this? i mean i had no IDEA Tim Robbins was in this!!! Tim Robbins!!!???

Eye: Tim Robbins had to marry Susan Sarandon and do The Player and Short Cuts to get back clout.

Dirg: Tim only fully recovered and salvaged the ol' career after fucking Susan Sarandon's tits...

Dirg: nice pink butt on her, nice one, Lea. i mean they could only go for the panties, for the silhouette shot, they couldn't show actual sex, because believe it or not, this was supposed to be a kid's movie.

Marion Stokes: wait was there a buffalo shot on the male lead in Blue Velvet? i think i saw Kyle's manhood on full display in that film... 

Laertus: another lost-in-translation thing where the comic source material is clearly meant for adults. they should have gone the Fritz The Cat route with this, it culd have been an all-time classic that way.

Bakshi: yeah but i was too busy getting busy at the time...

Laertus: i think it was Chip Zien as the voice which won me over, that voice is just the right amount of condescending mixed with cute.

Eye: you know Lea's band in this playing behind a chain-link fence and the purple smoky atmosphere and the neon lights in the streets, the reflecting manhole covers and the latenight delis...

Germane: reminds me of here...

Eye: ...no, it reminds me of Bubblegum Crisis! this is basically Bubblegum Crisis live-action!!!

Dirg: how does a struggling musician have a pad that big and spacious!? this thing is a warehouse!...…...i'm talking about her apartment loft, not her period... 

Dirg: the duck has a condom in his wallet, at least that's the Disney message Disney wants out. not to ruffle any feathers, but it's very disconcerting when Howard starts making wobbling sounds with his voice like Donald Duck. next time i'm at a jobs-recruiting office, imma stare at the recruiter's ass to see if i get a better job...

Eye: that's what you lot always badger on about, more jobs, and yet i never see you in one.

Dirg: the recruiter had pearls on, i mean...human evolution not from apes and gorillas but from ducks, plausible as any science out there now...

Laertus: yes, the current science...don't worry, it gets better with time...

Dirg: a duck who hates water? that's a bad handicap. Howard's enemies can use this against him, but who would be enemies with a talking duck? he's cute, he's little-performer, he's Ewok, he's Yoda with the buggy robotic eyes. i mean they could trap him in a bathtub of ice. or make him fuck a water nymph in a tree.

Eye: Tim got his ass burned from this. that Wright Brothers ride.

Laertus: this film missed a golden opportunity: this should have been set in Oregon, not Cleveland.

Dirg: had to make it appeal to the heartland, Ohio farmers make a bloc.

Eye: or block. Lea owns the Dallas Cowboys now cos of this movie. Jeffrey Jones learned to love pea soup after this movie. Holly Robinson! still in her 21 Jump Street mode!!!

Dirg: the lesson from this: if you're gonna win a bar brawl, get your ears stretched instead of pierced if you're a man. g'night, f...

Takahashi: wait. the video game, the Howard The Duck video game is actually where i first came to know and learn about this film. all the vehicles Howard drove during the game, there was even a submarine. i now know everything about forklifts and loading crates, i can work at Costco...

Laertus: this movie ends the same way Lea's other Back To The Future film ends: with a concert performance on stage for ten or fifteen minutes. 

Dirg gets on his knees and prays.

Dirg: not shoving my Christianity down your throat. i just want PlayDuck to be a real skin nudie magazine...

Takahashi: yeah i know all about your habits, you love weaved fast-food greasy chicken skin.

Bruce Lee as an old man with a white beard, white long hair, and white whiskers:

Bruce Lee: Quak Fu is real...

Dirg: he sounds like a quack, fuck you. sorry, i trigger easily.

Dirg: they represent truckers in trucker hats so unfairly here, typical '80s movie, no trucker would ever waste ketchup like that...

Doryce: i should hope not! unless Bama's been lying to me all this time!

Gladyce: i went to remove the old box of Spanish ridged cinnamon cracker-cookies on the Treehouse shelfcounter. cut it, fold it, and recycle it flat. and i got cinnamon dust in my eye. i avoided the ash all day and i get cinnamon dust in my eye!

Doryce: want my glasses, dear?

Dirg: it would have been better if Ray Harryhausen did this monstrosity big bad himself.

Eye: or a clay version of the devil from Black Clover.

Eye: Lea in chains is very reminiscent of King Kong only sideways.

Laertus: i'll say it's sideways. 

Dirg: this is how the film should have ended to ensure a sequel: Howard really dies, that would provide the pathos. then Jeffrey Jones holds up a red-and-white-striped bucket breaking the fourth wall to the camera and tells the audience who the sponsor is, that would at least distract form his other controversies...g'night, folks...

Rubikon: train the camera on Obama! keep it on Obama! nothing else matters, who are they waving to anyway?

Tyzik and Vanilla Ice are flipping coins and chewing bubblegum while whistling by the lamppost sidewalk curb:

Vanilla Ice: yeah so Germane has me going to every room in the building. i'm to sit down in their bathtub and wait till my cock gets frozen in ice in the tub, which i don't have to tell you, takes a long time. yeah during this horrid heat wave the AC in the building broke. doing it for the residents.

Tyzik: just get a bucket of ice from the lobby downstairs, that's what that machine's for. fill the bathtub with ice cubes like rich '80s people used to do. it's okay, your cock is so big you can rescue yourself if you ever get sucked down a drain, your cock will simply hold onto the drain-hole.

Vanilla Ice: so Vanilla Sky, huh.

Tyzik: yeah.

Vanilla Ice: women drivers, am i right?

Tyzik puts his head in his hands, then he puts his head into Vanilla Ice's flattop Lincoln-stovepipe hair cylinder farm silo. 










Monday, August 17, 2020

TMIT: THAT JURASSIC PARK AMBER



you know that Jurassic Park amber that looks like a giant blondie confection golden brownie? it's good enough to eat despite that huge dragonfly stuck in the middle of it. 

you know i never really got into Jurassic Park after Goldblum left, it just wasn't the same. i had his last TV GUIDE with me in my coat pocket on an unusual L.A. wintry day, the coldsnap chattering the teeth of my underwear. it was the last-ever TV GUIDE in digest size. i inquired of the landlord but he said Jeff had been kicked out of his apartment...

1. what is the biggest part of your body? my eyes. i have anime eyes.

2. what is the best bad decision you ever made?

reminds me of that Sheryl Crow song "My Favorite Mistake". it was continuing with this blog. back then i was desperate, i had just quit college the summer before 9/11 and i was rudderless as a motherfucker. i mean i really had no other option, it was this or stare at the four walls all day staring at the carpet on my ceiling as i watched upside-down the last embers of MTV2 playing Marilyn Manson videos...

3. what is the silliest reason you got in a fight with someone?

like most great fights, i don't remember. what the cause was. and who started it. all i remember is we ended up having sex from it. we were already going through the motions punching and kicking.

oh yeah, it was whether Robert De Niro could play silly. De Niro had done funny in his career, but he had never done silly...until Bullwinkle...

4. what is your favorite thing about your best friend? he's imaginary.

5. if 5 men take 3 hours to dig 3 holes, how long will it take for 2 men to dig half a hole?


BONUS: would you rather be itchy or sticky the rest of your life?

i've had horrible itchy athlete's foot, it is not fun. well it is kinda fun when you dip your foot ankle-high into a vat of blue powder. plus i'm a foot fetishist so it wasn't too bad to lick the powder off. don't know why the powder was flavored blueberry tho...

now as for the sticky i have a confession to make: all of you have known me for years as the one and only Spider-Man. i save lives, make quips but only after i've had my coffee like a grandpa. and...boom! wow...that smarts, just thought of my grandpa and started crying...

...what was i saying? i swing from building to building in the city even though that causes a planned power outage to avoid forest fires. but all this time i wasn't able to scale walls. it was a sticky suit. a sticky suit i wore on the inside.