Friday, December 30, 2016



* or Gucci Gondolier

* or Gucci Gold

* babes: why were you gone so long?
Jared Leto: i travel on water. it takes fucking forever to make one delivery.

* the one who rests her head on the shoulder of the other is always the alpha.

* how come when i go to Venice this doesn't happen to me? i can be like the Joker.

* Jared: do you like my tattoos?
babes: we're not looking at your tattoos.
Jared: well that was a waste of money.

* babe 1: i'm getting dizzy spinning in this curtain.
babe 2: let's dance!
babe 1: okay. oh shit more spinning.

* babe 1: you got something in your's green...
babe 2: *drops fake eyelash in glass of water* thirsty?

* babe 2: how does my perfume smell?
Jared: let's make love. we're both naked and in a European tub.
babe 2: the chemist who designed the perfume says he's gonna troll me on twitter until you give him a shoutout on your next instagram live.

* Jared: oh wow that's my reflection in the water. i'm too busy when i'm on the gondola to see this. yeah i'm pretty hot.

* Jared: why do you wear high heels?
babe 1: to be beautiful.
Jared: you are already beautiful. just by existing. why must society make you lie?
babe 1: i never want to lie to you, my beloved. i promise to tell the truth going forward.
Jared: thank you. so, honestly, how was Suicide Squad?

* Jared: thank you. that was quite the session. you know what i was thinking about just then? we are all the same. despite our differences, men and women are the same. cos we all have butts. in fact every living thing in the universe has a butt.

* Jared: who's paying for the train?
babe 1: i got on the red dress, so...
babe 2: so i gotta pay cos i'm wearing the pants?!

* the one who runs her finger down the back of the other is always the beta.

* Jared: your sister's in town? foursome? not tonight, i'm tired. hard day gondoliering.

* i could watch these filmic high-end-fashion sequences all day. i never want them to end. fashion forever. keep them coming. pause it while i get some caviar and Town House crackers. i used to feel the same way about Judge Judy. i never wanted the cases to end, one after the other, flipping like a rolodex. of course at that time all i had in my pantry was stovetop popcorn and seltzer.


happy new year! 2017 is a fantasy...

Wednesday, December 28, 2016


Hilary is seen zooming across the old far sky in the galaxy of stars. she pilots The Ghost and lands gingerly on Kepler in the soft snow.

Herlina: ho!

Hilary: how dare you!

Herlina: that's a greeting. was just gonna get some groceries. despite everything it's still Grocery Day. wanna come with?

Hilary: i guess none of you gals missed me. my friend Hera lent me this ship we can use. those rebels are good people. she's on hiatus but still appearing to be a rogue. the Ghost, get it? yeah so i've just been paying my proper respects to a trailblazing hero of mine and visiting Russia. you know how Russia makes all their money? their number-one export? voting machines. Putin used to paint.

Herlina: Hera seems nice. H name, so. sorry girl but not much has happened in a month. same ol same ol. i'm always hungry.

Hilary: i'm always tired. my body wakes up in different pieces in the morning. i think i'm okay but each body part needs an extra fifteen minutes to rouse. it's not peaceful sleep it's strained sleep. it's sleep where i'm constantly looking at the apple clock cos i need to be up for some stupid thing i have to do next. this election really took it out of me. i am drained beyond belief. i'm walking around all dazed and confused, no-makeup zombie. my spirit is in a trash compactor. perhaps it's best i didn't get the job, i need to sleep for the next hundred years.

Herlina: use The Ghost. we decided to stay.

Hilary: great. and don't you worry your pretty little head. i sent someone in my stead. the ceremony went swimmingly. she literally blazed a trail in the sky. you know how it is after funerals around here.

Hilary climbs into the overhead compartment of her ship to find Bill there snoring.

Hilary: get out! don't make me smack you.

Bill staggers out.

Bill: *shaken but not stirred* wha? i was having the most pleasant dream. wha? wha'd i do? i'm gonna get one L, too.


Wolf: mr. president-elect, your poll numbers are at an all-time low. the hacking has been metaphysically proven by John McLaughlin. and your position on the settlements is wishywashy at best.

Musculo at the mic: i am positionless like LeBron. the Lutum people want the settlements and i am on their side.

the Lutum: we don't want it. or maybe yes we do. as you can see, our necks are drawn to your heart. but you never asked us. you never spoke to us directly.

a rogue reporter rushes the stage.

Musculo: security!...........

Musculo: ...........oh yeah it's just me. what do you want?

Carmen: Carmen Sandiego for San Diego news. this is just a stick with a box on it. the drones will pick me up. sir, what did you say again was your favorite kind of cat? for the kids you see.

Musculo: uh, i hate cats, all of them.

Carmen: thank you *Batman eye squint*


on a faraway gold tower in the middle of white space, a princess lays motionless with a bushy wreath around her arm and a bouquet of orange roses around her neck. she wears an oval opal gown, see-through and you really see she is wearing a bra. though her eyes are closed they are so full of light and good cheer. a french bulldog saunters into the musty open-air room using its powerful jowls to open the iron fleur palace door and licks the woman. she opens her eyes, takes a moment to gain her bearings, but her wry smile returns.

Princess Leia: Gary my love, i'd knew you'd come for me! now my afterlife is complete. let me pet you hard. come on, boy, let's go, the journey just now begins.

Leia's face is covered in slobber.


Starscream has Herlina on his back and his rocket-jet boots fly around space looking for the market.

Starscream: are you sure there's a The Store all the way out here?

Herlina: that's what it says on my apple watch.

Starscream: oh it's over there. the reverse of what the apple watch says but whatever.

Herlina: maybe you have it upside-down, dear.

Starscream: i checked. i don't.

Herlina: let's get those peppermint milano cookies. and banana-and-cream Geneva wafers.

Starscream: are those really european cafe cookies they'd serve with kaffee? genuinely european? i'm a simple man, just remember the cholent for me and i'm all set for Hanukkah.

Herlina goes mad when she enters the space store, flying past the shelves and hitting the aisles like the motherfucking dickens. she loses all impulse control and starts shoving all the food and drink into her basket without a care for cost or calorie.

Herlina: *redfaced* i'm sorry, dear, i can't help myself. i've been keeping a secret.

the entire store of aliens stops and turns their head.

Herlina: check the gumball machines outside for gashapon..................i'm pregnant.....

the store aliens: *clapping rhythmically* congratulations congratulations congratulations

Starscream tears his hair out.

Starscream: WHAAAAAAA? what are you implying? i'm not a gambler. i don't play the penny slots. how!!! how did this happen! i mean you're human and i'm a robobeast. i thought that charade we did on that roach-infested motel mattress was just for show. though i must admit i've never had a better lubejob in my life, all my systems ran like clockwork after that.

Herlina: look that's one prick piston you got there but i endured it and it happened. be happy for me. for us. i'm eating for two now.

Starscream: alright, go hog wild. we'll pay for it somehow. i'll have to get a second job. for real this time. freelance conquering of worlds on weekends. Megatron will not be pleased. oh wow so you've got that thing growing inside you? it's inside your stomach like the Krang?

Herlina: not exactly though it is pink.


Madchen: my friend, how are you?

Lysander: blue.

Madchen: *rolls eyes* always with the quick wit.

Lysander the blue hologram: actually i never was particularly funny. but then i died, so.

Madchen: oh you were funny. i'm gonna need you by my side. for all of this. my head is spinning.


Lysander: speaking of mind, while i've got you here, can i get you to sign some forms?

Madchen: what is this?

Lysander: just put your name. what is your name now? you remarry?

Madchen: uh, not exactly. but i feel like a whole new person. with a greater destiny. i suppose that's everyone's wish. my name is...........Blank.

Lysander: what?

Madchen: Left Blank. just like it says on the dotted line.

Lysander: the insurance company will not like this.

Madchen: i don't need your drugs. and there is no such thing as insurance in the universes.

JUST THEN Leia comes firing in on The Ghost creating a melty path of sea ice in her wake. she disembarks and takes over like nothing happened.

Madchen: i like her.

Leia uses the campfire of the camp to plug in her generator which creates an overhead blue hologram plan of the plans of the palace.

Leia: i am of two minds on this. we can either lie in wait in the crevices of the palace, i know all the secret corridors, all of the castles here are built the exact same on the Empire factory line. i just came back from having fun outmaneuvering Galen's little fortress on Hoth so i'm a young vet. on the other hand we can form a full-frontal attack and just take him out the moment he comes in.

Herlina: *chewing on some chewy cookies* full-frontal, coming, i'm liking this.

Leia: you with the ridiculous costume on.

Carmen points at herself quizzically. Carmen is wearing a spirit hood with Galaxy Bear stickers on it.

Leia: let's get it together, ladies. playtime is over. you either do it or you don't, there is no try.

Carmen is so redfaced she pulls her spirit hood over her head and cinches it shut.

Carmen: *quietly loudly* please, i need a JUST THEN now!

Leia: everyone turn to page 2 in your blue hologram manual. everyone take out the thermos i provided from your backpocket and screw open the lid. there you will see it is filled to the brim with cut brandy. while i don't recommend drinking before battle, i have found it really loosens you up.

JUST THEN a T-rex dinosaur is seen plowing the snow.

Carmen: *fist* yes! sic 'em boys.

but the two cats don't respond. they're nestled gently inside Harfi's bomber jacket snoozing. it really does look like Harfi got a boob job.

Harfi: oh sorry, they're not like that.

Carmen collapses in a heap. she is embarrassed in the worst way yes but her crestfallenness covers up her face. she sobs internally.

Carmen: they........used to be my babies..........*tear*

Leia: sic 'em, Gary!

Gary the french bulldog leaps onto the head of the dino and tries to rip it off! he succeeds in taking off the mask. he then goes for the face letting out all of this past week's sadness into rage. the poor guy in the ridiculous costume's face is all marked up in red.

Madchen: wait.........heel......heels......who is that? Lysander? what are you doing in that getup?

Lysander: it was a gag. mostly harmless. i'm the funny one, remember?


Wolf: sir, it is confirmed, first by CNN, that you will lose the presidency. too much fishy going on. the hacking and everything else.

Musculo at the mic: THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! i haven't been inaugurated yet! it was all in my hands. i thought...

Wolf: never think. too many expectations.

Musculo: you can't do this to me. i won! fair and circle! it was all in black!

Wolf: in white maybe but not in black.

Musculo: he promised! the power the power

Carmen rushes the stage. Musculo gets behind his women.

Musculo: do your job, sex slaves! i mean, these are my, uh, female bodyguards, they will defend me to the death, they will protect me for my pennies.

the scantily-clad women only leer at Carmen and hiss, "Befana! Befana!"

Carmen removes her safety-pin from her coat lapel, opens up the long dull sharp needle of the pin and stabs Musculo in his carotid artery. Musculo falls in a pile of gushing blood.

the slaves hush loudly.

the Lutum collectively scream silently for their soundboard has just gone quiet.

Carmen stands there on the stage stunned and dripping.


MEANWHILE the rest of the crew are joyous in celebration. Ewoks set fires all around camp, sing their weird songs, and drum on the skulls of their enemies.

Leia: that girl's got moxie! see it just takes a little motivation. pep talk to power. Mission Accomplished! ugh, i hope i don't eat those words.

Madchen: staying? i could use someone to ease my load. oh damn you're smoking hot! this is the first time i'm seeing you up close.

Leia: i'm kinda a big deal. i'm needed throughout the galaxy. but i'll pop in when you least expect it. besides ol' Hilary is bored of sleeping by now i'm sure. sleep is kinda boring.

Leia raps on the overhead-compartment door.

Hilary: *snoozing loudly* bitch! don't interrupt my beauty rest! oh, it's you, it's really really you, you're real, you're here, i wasn't expecting you. care to rap over drinks?

Leia makes the Jenna Marbles face.

Hilary: so my bitch tell me, how do you get a man? i mean Bill is busting my balls, i am looking.

Leia: i've screwed and screwed over many a man in my day. mostly gotten my heart broken. but whether in space or in a weekend parking-lot space, i never lost my debutante desire and wide-eyed wonder. i became a fat chick but chubby-chasers are quite loyal. i was made in the image of my creator George. sex symbol is the kiss of death, too heavy expectations. i'd rather be heavy and in love. and laugh, you must laugh. take with you a theoretical thermos of this medicine of laughter in your backpocket, more effective than any pill. i'm addicted to comedy, comedy is calming. humor shall be our hubris.

Hilary cracks a joke in her head and laughs externally.

Leia: and girl, it wouldn't hurt to spruce up the wardrobe every now and then. do you wear anything other than that pantsuit? try on my sex-slave outfit. it's in the closet. go on, loosen up, it's all academic now.

everyone dances by the campfire, awkwardly cos no one can dance. some catch fire. burnt Ewok fur smells bad.

Hilary debuts at the ball wearing the sex-slave outfit and tries to dance but the main thing is she had fun. you know that by the genuine gummy gappy smile she shines in the close-up.

*John Williams music swells*

*circular iris wipe*


Monday, December 26, 2016


survival to me is all centered around time and sleep. the manipulation of time. which is folly. time always wins. the clock will always strike midnight before you can blink. you were too busy to notice the clock striking twelve weren't you. i don't get enough sleep. i am sick. is there a correlation? am i sick cos i don't get enough sleep? or do i sleep to avoid the sickness? put yourself in my shoes. wait that's impossible. that's the problem with the world today. it's the holiday season and most of the shows i am forced to watch and do the addendum imdb perusing and extra videos and facebook and reddit and wikia and and av club tv club and toonzone and ign and amateur critic writeups from sad, thirty-year vets and bubbleblabber and the show's own website and rogue reviewers on youtube, or yubtub, for are on hiatus. theoretically this would mean more free time for me. it doesn't. it somehow never does. i wouldn't know what to do with actual free time. i haven't seen Blue Is The Warmest Color and i so desperately want to. that makes me blue and warm under the collar. the last DC Superhero animated film, or cartoon movie, i saw was the one just(ice) before (or right, on the side of right) the one with the Flash visiting his hometown. Center City? center of my (DC Extended) universe. Central City? central standard time, the one zone i haven't experienced. i used to watch those films religiously so it's hard being an atheist. the culprit? instagram. my life can be demarcated pre- and post-instagram. don't get me wrong, i love instragram. that's the problem. can you love something too much? is there such a thing as too much love? i wonder what God has to say to that as He is essentially all-encompassing neverending effusive Love. does God question His existence? but it keeps me up at night. i used to scoff at the Instagram Insomniacs Club when i first started scrolling, when i was a wee rookie barely able to touch the screen with my baby fingers. now instagram has turned me into an insomniac when i wasn't one before. i get four hours sleep if i'm lucky. it's a bit depressing when you hit the bottom wall scrolling and breathe a sign of relief and finally look at the clock and see 3AM. wish i had some relatives to talk to..................................maybe not. but there is no other way. i could pencil in all the videos and watch them later after i get a good night's rest but then i'd be in a perpetual cycle of logjams, backlogs, and Mountain Dew which is the logger's sprite. i'm due for a break. my eyes are weary, i have to constantly splash water on my face. i wish my faucet still had that nozzle where you could shoot sweet liquid directly into your eyes and avoid the time to take another shower. i am propped up on Vanquish and Airborne. you're supposed to chew that large Airborne wafer vitamin, right? i dunno, it's not working for me. you always get the worst colds from the ones you love. George, Carrie, i pray for you as my eyelids grow heavy. look for the prayers when i close my eyes, those are the more effective. it's hard to stand. drowser's tip: eat plenty of Cheerios with bananas cut with a knife. the bananas must be cut with a knife or they'll get mushy in your mouth. nice clean slices. i need a vacation. but i haven't any money. i'd even risk going on a cruise at this point. o what i do for old nihilist films and cut brandy. i still have to do the Doctor Who review...for some reason...i hope the room's available...and it's quiet...wish i got boat money for those. but i'll be okay. i just need to sleep. and stop sneezing. sleep is the best therapy. no talking to strangers involved, it's great. is that Pick Boy in the picture up top? if this reads as a typical myspace emo rant, it's cos it is. anyone else? ya feel me? the thing is, the reverse is also true. i somehow get through each day, i somehow get all the work done, and i move on. that is the miracle of survival.


Friday, December 23, 2016



* dogs think we're stupid.

* so this is the origin story of the new Doctor Who Companion, right?

* sorry honey, i can't read the instructions, the pictures are in Swedish.

* husband: why do we have a trampoline in our backyard?
wife: that's not a trampoline, that's my shoe-closet extension.


* fox 1: i'm a fucking bird!!!
fox 2: no, we're instruments of the devil.

* Buster the Boxer: hey family, it just became Wind in the Willows out there.
family: stop growling, boy, it's just the wind.
Buster the Boxer: *sigh*

* squirrel: i could already fly.
badger: i got your candied nuts right here.
toad: i go on a wild ride every night. bath salts. they really need to clean out that pond.

* Buster: yeah! i did it! i claim the trampoline! the trampoline is mine! this goes out to my junior-high English teacher who said i'd never amount to anything. hah! i avoided the gangs and the pondwater.

* Nietzsche: and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.
fox: Nietzsche is dead.


Noel Noel Noel Noel Noel owes me money...

Wednesday, December 21, 2016


the Lutum, who turn their heads back and forth this way and that way like a bad tennis match their entire lives, give the appearance of collectivism. but they are only really together when they are as one in their heart. hearts. this doesn't happen very often in their history. but it's happening now. the Eefus is talking in broad strokes again, confident and bold, no sign of injury.

the Eefus: you almost won, young one. cynicism is so easy. and it collects like the waters of the shore. but i had hope. i knew it had to come from the outside. that's the only way to cleanse a corrupt system, to wash the apple. o beloved Madchen...

Madchen: please you're making me blush.

Eefus: that fits well with the apple analogy. i am too old for pleasantries. i don't care about titles anymore i want to win.

Musculo: this is quite troubling indeed. i must win the oblique for i have no shot at the overall.

Eefus: honey you're thinking out loud again.

the Lutum are slowly growing in number. they fill up the grassy arena from all the circular towns around until it turns into an amphitheatre. it looks like an outdoor rally. except it's not boisterous, it's very quiet and attentive.

Musculo crouches in a defensive stance. it's tough to tell that he's crouching with that cloud where his feet should be.

Musculo: she has the ear of 'um. she's the shiny new toy who came in and drained the moat. she was able to crack the Eefus after many men tried and failed. that damn cow. force didn't work. but maybe it wasn't enough force. anyway i need to make my move. a move. Maddie has that look in her eye.

Eefus: can hear every word you're saying.

Madchen spots a broken mass of metal near a prairie mound. she lifts it up with her newly-elected strength.

Madchen: well what do we have here? a fucking drone. you killed my son, you bastard! it's still smoking. no doubt a testament to the empire's strength. even all the way out here, huh?

Musculo: especially here. the drone program started here.

Madchen flings the string of metal pieces over to Harfi.

Madchen: see what you can do with this, dear.

Harfi uses her toenail clipper and MacGyvers the drone into working order. it begins that horrible buzzing sound and floats upwards ominously like a pendant that has lost its lustre. it fits and starts like a wheezing general who knows no other way.

Eefus: make sure that camera is working. the fate of the universe depends on it!

Harfi: oh it's working. it works too well, forever ready to ruin a citizen's life with false information manipulated by tricks and photoshop. irretrievable damning data. Codrus made the cameras indestructible, that was the one task he ever put his all into. only he has the black boxes.

Madchen: damn that god. well let's flip the script. a good camera. a camera only as good as its user.

the camera on the drone rises up and the people come from near and far to meet their new messiah.

Madchen: messiah? oh? i have to be leaving now.

Eefus: my dear you must stay. it is just the beginning.

Madchen: oh?

Eefus: you still have no idea the power you wield. you are a woman through and through! i envy your brand.

Musculo: the more the camera flies overhead, the more coverage it covers and the more eyes see the face of the blushing Madchen. the more she wins the overall. i see it on the drone counter! it's approaching 3 million! luckily i did a thorough canvas of all the backwater counties and rural hick spots beforehand, not anticipating such a turn of events. i had talked to god and thought he was on my side. little did i realize that god talks to a lot of people.

Eefus: my dear they are not drawn to what they see on the screens but by whom. you are electric, they magnetize to your spirit, not your another pretty face. they would come if we had no tv. tv merely heightens emotion.

Madchen: you think i'm pretty? no tv, that's what i've been advocating for.

Eefus: you are such a parent. that never goes away.

Musculo: no tv? what a ghastly thought! how would i learn anything?! how am i losing to this ghastly woman?!


Musculo retreats to his castle in the misty moat. it's the holiday season so the pathway is lit with solar rope LED lights to fend off the early darkness. a green tree droops when he passes browning its green needles as camouflage. "greeting" him is Herlina plopped on twenty bed cushions draped in fake finery still unable to feel the pea.

Musculo: get off your fat lazy ass and make me dinner.

Herlina: bitch i ain't yo wife!

Musculo: kidding.

Herlina: i can't tell with you anymore, you have an aspectabund countenance. i've been online.

Musculo paces back and forth, making Herlina nervous.

Musculo: i need a strategy......................hmm i got it! it's cheesy!

Musculo quickly races off and Russell Brand is free to come out from Herlina's covers.

Russell Brand: how was that?

Herlina: oh just fine.

Russell licks his lips. so does Herlina.

Russell: as i was saying, you need a real hard man...

Starscream comes crashing through the stone wall.

Starscream: lay your puny hands off my woman, skinflint!

Russell: oh shit they're bigger in person than on tv aren't they. well, you're done, byeeeeeey!

Herlina: i thought you said you never stop learning.

Russell: go to my website.

and Russell follows Musculo's path out.


Musculo runs a marathon to get back.

Musculo: look, folks! i can make cheese from the Eefus! i am into culture!

Eefus: grab me by the udder, i dare you.

Musculo waves his hand in the general direction of Eefus's underside and poof, circles of cheese come rolling down the hill.

Musculo: this isn't a game. taste the cheese. it's goat's cheese!

the Lutum horde does and it is.

Musculo: *pushing the Lutum away from him* *pushing them* *pushing them* okay, folks, to the voting booths with you. skedaddle. remember Musculo is your man, Musculo gets things done, Musculo gets his goat.

the cats collect the cheese crumbs left behind.

the cats: this ain't goat cheese, it's manchego, the cheese of sheep, we'd know that distinctive flavor anywhere, these sheep were our neighbors growing up on Gromit's farm.

Musculo: luckily for me no one listens to filthy animals!


Carmen is still stuck in the cage.

Carmen: it's nice not having the cats bothering me all the time, harassing my every shoulder. i couldn't think. if you can't think you can't magic.

Russell Brand appears in the cage with her, smushed next to her.

Russell: dahlin you're so far under you don't know it. the cage keeping you afloat is merely a metaphor.

Carmen: what do you mean?

Russell: exactly. that's why you lost. and why you lost your will to live. your identity is crumbling before your eyes. you've lost your way. you don't know what to do with yourself anymore. the loss of your loved ones has finally blindsided you in the middle of a Wednesday night and your tears have turned to nightsweats. you're dancing but you don't hear the music. you forgot how to fight. you can't go to a happy place and wallow and listen to the Smiths and hope for the best. there are no more happy places, Codrus rebranded them all. safe is waif. you have to fight for what you believe!

Russell attaches a safety pin to the lapel of Carmen's brand new soldier uniform.

Carmen: pretty. shiny.

Russell: no. no. this is only the first step. when you see an injustice, you have to beat it before it gets branded. only you can do this. from now on, you have to relearn how to fight!

Carmen drifts off.

Russell: you have forgotten where you came from. how strong you were to survive on earth. this post-Earth stuff is sinchy. you come from a long coil of Amazons. not just warriors, warrior princesses. witches don't just know spells. they claim the earth. spells are as useless as air. if they don't carry the weight of the centuries of oppression which begat their formation. the sound of your sisters,


Carmen spots the first frieze at the foot of the castle.

Russell: that's it. that friezer is frozen like the weather.


Harfi is learning how to manage in crowds. when the herd of Lutum swamp her, she is able to go with the flow rather than react with a trigger weapon.

Harfi: less triggered. maybe it's these two furballs living in my boobs but i'm adjusting to civilian life. i was always the first to go on patrol, to escape the scene, to figure things out on my own, to lonerize.

Russell appears on the path with the two cats on his head.

Harfi: oh, and where was my advice?

Russell: sorry love, my other client ran long. but you know what i say. time doesn't exist. we have all the time in the world to solve our problems if we really want to. the problem is we don't want to. we actively don't want to.

Harfi: relax. my father was a painter. the only corporation i belong to is the military complex.

Russell: captain of industry. the innovators. we have to stop with all the meetings.

Harfi: i learned my lesson on my own. i don't have to fix everything myself. i spilled the last bottle of milk all over our cave. it got everywhere. on all the walls, staining the ancient cave paintings. and that really was the last bottle of milk, they don't make milk in bottles anymore. Cumberbitch was pissed. as far as i could make out his expression through the block of ice. i tried cleaning it up quickly but i was so angry i couldn't do it. i simply couldn't do it. i let it drip. and drip and drip and drip. and soon the cats came and did the job, licking it all up and thanking me for feeding them by sleeping in my breasts. we've been inseparable ever since.

Russell: true. they stepped off me now. they're good guard dogs. took extra long to sniff my many long hairs.

Harfi: i feel the crowd in me now. and it's exciting. it's a rock concert. i can direct them with a thought.

Russell: with a feeling. don't think too much.

Harfi: when the wave hits, i ride it. i'm like a buoy now, not a blockade.

Russell: you were always a boy. but you must become a boat. that is your next lesson.

Harfi: yes, grasshopper. outside isn't so scary anymore.

Russell: no you're the grasshopper, i'm the gardener, uh the sensei.

Harfi: don't spray your pesticide on me. chocolate grasshoppers are a delicacy here.

Russell: never understood that. just cos you add chocolate to it it's still a grasshopper.


Musculo returns in the middle of the night and flips on the radio, adjusting the knob just right, as Johnny Dollar ends:

Johnny Dollar the intrepid insurance investigator will be back next week. keep smoking those low-tar cigarettes till then. and now, the results of the election: Musculo wins the oblique.

Musculo's oblique muscles shatter from all his walking. but the canvassing worked, he is the new Lutum Leader. he is in too much pain to fake his wince into a smile. he lies down on the bed.

Musculo: uh, can i borrow one of your mattresses?

Herlina: *arms crossed* and where have you been, mister?

Musculo: that's master. do you feel a draft coming?


Russell ends his day of critical counsel where it all began, Madchen, crouched with her legs splayed open.

Russell: i always end my night with the best bird.

Madchen: but you never pay for drinks. you...think...i'm...prett...?

Russell: what can i say, i'm a cheap date. i meant the Sandpiper. the ship.

Madchen: fuck you *smiles*

Madchen feels in the underside of her boobs for chipped-off pieces of the aquamarine gem. she lets the blue-green pebbles drop and shatter. she buries the dust into the sand.

the Eefus: you wanna ride me, son? i have the feeling i'm gonna be goat bacon soon.

Madchen: it warms my heart. when i think of you, Russell Brand, i see that young firebrand of a comic spit from art school college or wherever ready to take on the rules of the world. the wild hair like a fucked-up Snape. the sage spiritual shit. the philosophical pronouncements. the tantric tenets. and the general brash crazy demeanor. very unBritish. i knew when i saw you at that whiskey club visiting my husband not on leave that you were more than just another comic, you were a trickster in waiting, you wanted to be a scholar, a poet, a man with a guitar, a worldchanger.

Russell: worldbeater first. but i beat it so hard i was looking for something new.

Madchen: and more profound. as is each of us. we all try the same things and reject them. you reminded me of my son with your charisma. i always tell the story. oh it is so dangerous to have charisma.

the hologram of Russell Brand can't hold anymore under the cold spell and its blue light blends with the blue night's light. the hologram was really...

Madchen: *eyes wide* Lysander!

Lysander: i told you i listened in on our sessions.

Monday, December 19, 2016


1. why do you live where you live? cos they don't know where i live.
2. do you want to have your sins forgiven? i don't believe in sinning, i believe in winning.
3. do you believe in heaven and hell? CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
4. after life, where do you think you'll end up? i just want to go where Kurt Cobain is.
5. if you have children, would they say you are the favorite parent? why do you think this? i would be the coolest parent ever. i'd let my kids do whatever they wanted at all times. it'd be a fun 18 years. okay, 80 years.
6. has anything ever happened to you that was personal, dramatic, or spectacular enough to cause you to believe in a god? they wanted me to take the position of God. i refused after seeing all the work that was involved. i mean that is a LOT of work. i'm lazy. God made me lazy.

bonus: what is something you consider to be a great personal success? why was it so significant? every time i can open my eyes and write is a success. i have to close my eyes to get my imagination flowing. sometimes this can take up to five hours, i use the entire morning. five hours with my eyes closed. i look like i'm dead.


greet the season. go on, don't be shy, the season won't bite.

Friday, December 16, 2016




* CliffsNotes version: go with the concolor.

* do not take Jim Harbaugh with you into the deep woods of Michigan to find your tree...

* do not trust cheerleaders with turtlenecks. they will only cheer for turtles.

* none of these townsfolk exist. nor does the town. the town is a metaphor. i am alone here.

* what is a hickey anyway? no seriously. like i always heard about hickeys on the playground but i never saw one. what is it for? what is the point? i don't get it. it remains an urban legend. it is a myth.

* Phoenix: Joe, i think i want a Tree of Life this year.

* here's a pine. no, that's nana. she smells like a pine, though.

* Joe: for the last time, nana, i don't trust cheerleaders with turtlenecks.
nana: come on you low manchild, we were all reptiles once.

* nana: wait you're a teacher? when did this happen?
Joe: i wanted to become the Seeker but everyone misheard me.

* Joe: O Come All Ye Faithful, ready, go.
class: did he say March of the Pigs?

* girl: i'm not gonna eat the teacher's cookies.

* okay, John Denver isn't a good friend of mine. we like smoked one doobie together in the Rockies one time after the Willie show.

* before 1997 the White House used the Illuminati Tree.

* Joe: you lost a loved one recently?
Gene: yes.
Joe: Gene, that loved one who died was you.

* star man: Aaron Rodgers
angel man: Jordan Rodgers
star boy: The Weeknd

* fish, it's the simple things in life.

* this was filmed before the Trump River existed...

* i'm crying over the fishing stuff. it's reminding me of Nymphomaniac.

* and tire swings

* Gene: yes but Cartman kinda ruined the whole Mars thing. y'know with the semen and all.

* Gene: throw your smartphone into the river and for the first time in your life, live!
Joe: smartphones are water-resistant now.

* Joe: only if LeBron stays.

* Gene: river people don't hurt other river people. river people hurt people.

* i tried to become a Shakespearean actor but was rejected. i don't get it, i love parks.

* now i'm crying over the dreamy heaviness of life.

* imaginary wife: Daddy never liked any of my other boyfriends. what did you tell him?
Joe: i was good at sex.

* Joe: ham? roast beef? turkey? i'm not having anything for Christmas dinner. i'm a teacher.

* ...heehee, that Charlie Brown and his nevergreen...

* Joe: okay, concert over, you were veering dangerously close to doing the dab.

* class: Mr. Pera, please sell this tree we got you for wood so you can buy more professional shoes.

* Joe: huh, all this handshaking by a door, i think i wanted to be a preacher.

* Joe: mostly soft stuff. like my voice.

* woman: Mason, come stand next to your daddy, i mean my daddy.

* Joe: i like your tattoos. are you a stripper? that's what a slider is, right?

* Joe: of course the hydroelectric dam will be useless when the next ice age comes.

* seven Santas. illuminati confirmed.

* Guantanamo Bay will be closed by the next ice age.


go rogue this weekend..............................i'll be in the theatre with you watching it in spirit...or in Force...y'know seeing as this isn't the event the other one was, there's a good chance i will probably never see Rogue my entire life...i'm too busy...

Joe: lady this isn't a game, THIS IS THE COMEDY GAME, CLICK HERE.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016


Madchen: well it seems we're in a bit of a Kepler standoff.

Musculo: no we're not. and i should know, i live here. time is running out.

Harfi: it always seems to be.

Musculo: no. sunny days ahead if you follow me. the castle is just yonder. there you will sate yourself until famine is no longer a world problem. we are not hungry anymore. just thirsty.

Herlina: i dunno guys, my feet are exhausted and plump. i'm carrying more weight.

Musculo: the way i see it you have two choices. before you is the beast, the landmass, the animal, the Eefus.

Madchen: ephus?

Musculo: no! you wish! it is the fabled goat with two tails. whoever controls it controls its magic and the world. our world. and it's not fabled to us, only you, to us it's reality. i know it's confusing.

Madchen: i'm missing something here. i will always be missing something. why didn't you kill this spirit animal centuries ago and gorge on its meat? and become king of Kepler?

Herlina: wait folks, hold up, i'm trying to access my watch for information on this fantastic beast but all i'm getting is beaches, bitches. bitch! there seems to be an eyelash on my screen.

Carmen: *from her cage* that's bad luck! unless you blow it.

Herlina: *sigh* how many times have i heard that?

Musculo: *with a wry eye* very observant. alas it seems its magic is more powerful than mine. even with all my training. i can't rightly touch it much less feed it.

Madchen: jealous much? this poor powerful soul will not be a snack as long as my arms are around its neck.

Musculo: fine have it your way. it literally hurts my teeth to say that. we have more teeth. stay here and freeze to death. hunger-strike until you can't strike no more your arm will be too weak. i'll wait like a vulture. i got nothing to do. the quest for absolute power takes time. in the meantime we seem to have a lot of free time. you, fattie, i mean, Fergie,

Herlina: *me?*

Musculo: take my chaperoning arm. it's the longer one. come with me. for food, folks, and fun.

Madchen: it's alright, dear. eat like a pig. eat for all of us. we will masticate with you in spirit.

Herlina: thank you! *hugs* you really are best mom.

Madchen: promise to leave Carmen alone and i'll promise to leave Eefus alone. after all, as long as he's alive you still have a chance. i'd appeal to your warrior's fairness but who are we kidding? war is hell and there's no kind killing.

Musculo: i think it's a she. dunno. meat is murder. deal. or no deal. it doesn't matter. you're able to get close to the Eefus. it's definitely a she.


Musculo takes Herlina away, willingly. he guides her up the path and down the path on his cloudy legs. Herlina makes a game effort to climb.

Herlina: *huffing but not puffing* it's always easier when you're thinking of a goal. clears you up from the constant negativity your brain spews out like lava. like i'm thinking of food, i'm thinking of a reward, not just doing it. without the end there is no beginning.

Musculo: yes, darin, we think similarly. the palace in fact stands atop a dormant volcano. the ash is a natural paint job we didn't have to pay for.

Herlina: that's why it looks all sinister and dark and gloomy. all it needs is a crack of lightning.

Musculo: in our world black is a bright color. the skies are usually white so the black really stands out. our lightning is shaped like a spoon.

they reach the entrance barred with a door of faded Grand Oak. the moat is more of a waterfall permanently damaging the loose leaden hinges with each fall of water.


cobblestones make up the walls, floor, ceiling, and table.

Herlina: makes it hard to eat.

Musculo: it's all one organism. no, orgaNIsm. have a seat, the Knights who say Ni will serve you. some of the knights are knightesses. i've thought of you as i've prepared the meal. i've read extensively on your culture. you guys eat atrociously. i mean there was so much potential for healthy but you decided on the sugar route. you coulda had grain unsalted popcorn but you as a species chose cherry popcorn.

Herlina: sure but it doesn't matter anymore. we're extinct. we were never gonna listen.

Musculo: as long as you draw a breath (or two in our case) you can change. let's start today.

Herlina: are you a chef?

Musculo: of sorts.

Herlina: i see the greens. pass the greens.

Musculo: uh that's jazz cabbage. best to skip for now. at least until you can handle its magic. in my magic black bowl i whip up pirozhki croutons and add spicy lahmacun strips, mix in napa cabbage instead, and red beetings. boiler onions of course we love our boiler onions around here, three beans cos three is a magic number, topped with lemongrass chicken all blended into a tangy thai peanut sauce. our thai is spelled tie. we don't wear ties, we wear fabric tongues.

Herlina: you are tongue material alright. i've had turkey pizza but never turkish pizza.

Herlina gobbles it down and tantrums.

Herlina: just twinning with my spirit. i've been a good girl, can't i sweet now?

Musculo: you're not my type hon. oh you mean dessert. okay, once in a while it's okay you gluttonous Muricans. adopt the European diet and wear skinny jeans like me. i also wear skinny jean jackets.

Musculo spies a piece of cut stone by Herlina's elbow. he blinks once from exhaustion and once for work. the stone turns into a package of original Oreos.

Musculo: milk's favorite cookie. had to drink a lot of milk for these muscles. our milk is more like your white wine.

Herlina: how did you know these were my favorite? i'd hug you but, yeah, maybe not.

Musculo: it's all on the internet. look closely at the package.

the package doesn't say OREOS, it says LOVE.

Herlina wolfs the black circles down with a quickness she only displays when she's scrolling.

Musculo: you want love?

Herlina: *mouth full* no thanks, i'm good. i have it already. right here in front of me. i always wondered what the carvings on the Oreo cookie mean. it's like a coat of arms. you're a good provider.

somehow that compliment doesn't mean as much to Musculo. he waves the knightesses who were waiting naked clad in just their armor off their wings and redirects them into his chamber. he doesn't need to lock his door, he locks their irons.

Musculo: why nothing more than the meaning of life.


Carmen from the cage: don't mind me, i'm not bored, just admiring the sunset view. which takes, like, ten hours to complete. those mountains over there remind me of home, the Bakken Formation. i got an upclose view of it after all the earthquakes and landslides. they built a quite-successful roller coaster on its ruins. i don't ride rollercoasters when my life already is one.

Harfi: look alive, babe, i am trained in all manner of warfare. hey cats, you're scaring the locals. what say you both climb into this two-person Christmas jumper i bought to hide.

cats: why?

Harfi: cos it'll look so cute!!!

cats: lady we were never meant to look cute. we're ferocious beasts. we're mini-tigers. we have more in common with Eefus. don't confuse us with our kawaii cousins in Japan. we're not all the same. every cat is different. the ignorance from all you advanced species is staggering.

the Lutum people are towing the line guarding the forcefield around Carmen. their eyes are wide like saucers but not cos they're aliens, they're just really curious. they poke their heads in and out and come up against Harfi's chest and listen to her heart.

Harfi: small breasts. miniature mammaries. sorry. pebbles not stones. hence the tomboy-soldier stance. stop looking at me like that with those cute whimpering eyes! you're making me tear up. i can't fight these folk. sorry Carmen. i'm slowly noticing distinguishing characteristics, male and female parts, but you do all look the same. but maybe it's cos you're all smushed together and move in one direction like a rolling wave. i can see your feet though. do not ever wear shoes!

the cats: we're sensing them. well she is. they are much more of the mind than the mallet. play a game. they love games of the mind.

the Lutum collectively blink and wrinkle their collective weird noses and form an Uncle Wiggily board from a stray stone.

the Lutum: *collectively* everybody's first board game?

Harfi: sure. yeah. wow. okay, let's do this. it's been ages. how do we start? is there dice in this game? choose a marking gamepiece. pick a card, any card. oh the top card. move how many spaces?

Harfi moves first but the Lutum move five steps ahead. before. which is actually behind Harfi. on the gameboard.

Harfi: how'd you do that? how'd you know? can you guys mind-read?

the Lutum: no, we don't read minds. we read your deepest desire.

Harfi is transfixed while the cats come up for air and turn their cute heads to notice that the rock formation in the middle of the battlefield they thought was a rock formation eventually turns into the man Uncle Wiggily himself, who's a lame rabbit on crutches.

Uncle Wiggily: i'm not lame, i'm rad. i was every '80s kid's first board game. and late-70s kid when i had long hare hair.

the cats: hey man your ancestor got a raw deal. he would have beaten that tortoise but that turtle threw a blue shell at him. btw it was suffocating in that ugly Christmas sweater! we had more room to breathe when it was just your tiny tits.

Uncle Wiggily: i like turtles. i like turtles, that is what you've replaced board games with. memes, not memory. you could never play Battleship nowadays, you kids would think that a battleship could go diagonally cos you've played too much Tetris. the real question is what are you gonna do to fix my leg? it hurts like the motherfucking dickens. i can't hop for fuck sake.

Uncle Wiggily points his cute paw at Carmen.

Carmen: i dunno, i left my spellbook in my non-captured pants.

Uncle Wiggily: spells? i thought you were a REAL doctor!!!

Carmen makes the most pronounced upside-down U frown with her mouth.


this food and merriment and games and standstill continues for FIVE MONTHS. FIVE MONTHS later...

Musculo: hungry?

Madchen: uhufn wha mnkiseief v

Musculo: i've got some chatham artillery punch i just whipped up in my mouth. secret family recipe. care to snowball it from me on this fine wintry May day?

Madchen: man you are hard up. i heard you floating a mile away. when you glide on the air it sounds like a traffic accident. i knew you were wearing a smarmy smirk even though i didn't see it.

Musculo: you're breaking. i'm sure you're quite pleasant when you're well-fed. give up, you're well-past-due your due date. your best-by date is expired. and your best days are expired. any strength you gained from the Stones is long since worn down. yeah we have our version of the Stones, too. over. done like dinner that i have to endure every night with that little pest who grows larger by the day. what's her name again? Angelina? she's annoying like that Angelina i constantly have to read about. how do you put up with her?

Madchen: i couldn't move the whole time. i can't feel myself anymore. at night i assume i close my eyes to sleep cos i don't actually know, i can't feel my eyelids.

Musculo: i put a spell on you. not the romantic kind. i glued you to the surface of the kepler. deal, aye?

Madchen: well done magic man. cock of the walk aye? clever as a c-word........chicken.

Musculo: give it up, man. uh, ma'am. go ahead and take a bite of that juicy Eefus side before that breast turns to drumstick. hey wait why isn't it dead? why isn't it all bones by now? what's keeping it alive?

Madchen: would it be cheesy to say love? c-word. see i knew i had it right. my powers would never betray me. my son is by my side. so i would not partake of this side. give in to your side. i knew we were being led by spirit. our senses picked up the grand driver of the universe. we are not meant to search merely for food but to hunt for hearth. we seek out new life and new civilizations. she is the only thing civil here.

Eefus, who stopped braying three months before, stands up and turns her head.

Eefus: thank you, Mama Madchen. i am THE Eefus, the definite article cos it is the name of the title i choose myself.

the Eefus's strong words echo throughout the galaxy, shaking Kepler off its winter axis. also shaking are the Lutum who shiver individually as they all turn their head to the goat like a titubating tsunami.


the Lutum's elevating emotion is cut short, sidetracked when they gaze upon and rest their heads on Musculo's chest, his breasts.

Madchen is too weary to wrench her wince wry.

Carmen tries to smile but it's stuck upside-down like her parents never warned her about.

Musculo's eyes fire in disgust at the sight of Eefus's new blue strength. his mouth remains mum at the prospect, cracking not to confirm the consequences of such an act. what this means. for the universe. for all the universes. he reads her courageous profile as power. upright power.

Musculo blenches in horror.

Monday, December 12, 2016


1. have you ever tested someone's love for you? what did you do? did things turn out as you expected or hoped? with all the Homecoming hype these days, i thought i'd pay a visit to Tobey Maguire to see how he's holding up. i wore my red suit and took my love with me:

Phoenix: hey man, how do you capitalize, punctuate and word out Spider-Man?
Tobey: Spiderman. does it matter? hell no. fuck that. real talk.
Phoenix: what do you think of Tom Holland?
Tobey: fuck that guy. foreigner pipsqueak can't hold my jock. i was the original. the OG.
Phoenix: how is your life going?
Tobey: man get outta here! Hollywood won't hire me anymore cos of my fucking face. i mean shit.

my love became Tobey's next ex-wife. can't blame her. spending just five minutes in the presence of Tobey Maguire and you see what Leo sees in him. Tobey doesn't give a fuck and that's attractive.

2. select the answer that best fits your experience. i have dated:
a) all the wrong people
b) romantic companions who were mostly a good fit for me
c) people that were perfect fits---loves at first sight
d) not all that much, mostly many long-term relationships

i have had many long-term relationships with the voices in my head. i want to break up but they won't let me.

3. online dating: what is your success rate? what do you consider success? zero percent. but remember, the internet was created for porn, not love. what do i consider a success? a poke. either meaning.

4. what sexual thing you do most often could you commit to doing everyday? masturbation is a curse...

5. what are your thoughts on love and lust? both are diseases but as Shakespeare put it o to be in the thrall of the lovesickness or something like that.

bonus: are you searching for love or are you searching for attention? i have a blog.


Friday, December 9, 2016



* priest: ding dong the witch is dead. just kidding.
imam: this isn't the start of a joke. we are real people. with feelings.

* priest: did you make it past security?
imam: no.

* priest: why do your knees hurt? on second thought, don't answer that. my knees hurt, too.
imam: that's a nice pullover you're wearing. brown?
priest: maroon. are you colorblind?
imam: we should all be colorblind, my friend.

* priest: there you go.
imam: you drink first.

* priest: why are you laughing?
imam: it numbs the pain.

* priest: i can't wait. i've always wanted to go to the Amazon River.

* priest: did you have trouble ordering?
imam: yes. they said someone like me ordering kneepads was suspicious.
priest: me, too.

* priest: did you get scared when a strange package arrived at your door?
imam: uh, no.
priest: oh that's just me then. i need to stop watching 24.

* imam: it'll arrive by drone? not funny.

* priest: hey between you and me does God talk back to you when you pray?
imam: yes.
priest: i know right? these laymen don't know what they're missing!


happy weekend. catch a concert. coexist.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016


Hilary: thank you for letting me rest. i needed to sleep. i had a friend once who always told me that sleep was the most important thing in the world.

Madchen: who, Lieu? that was my son's friend. you barely knew him. don't try to claim him as one of your black friends.

Hilary: i had such a nightmare. the world was falling apart because finally apathy had come to the forefront. people knew they were being conned but finally they didn't care. they reveled in the end cos they thought they would get a new beginning. but they were wrong. i wanted to say told you so but the series finale crept up quick and before you knew it it was off the air. and then just air.

Madchen: that wasn't a dream. but maybe we can fix it this time. ain't that right, Musculo?

Musculo: why yes, monamie. we are at such an end over here we can see all the timelines as if they are one movie playing with different scenes. see? those ain't no moons.

Hilary: yes. yes. i see. there's Matthew Chris. what a sellout. he used to be about bombastic journalism but ever since the election all of his interstitials are just stillframes of him and his weird hair interviewing people where you don't even see who he's interviewing. news flash, nobody cares about the media. everybody's got a brand.

Musculo: if you come with me, ladies, i'll show you the way. the palace is just up that way. inside you will be warm off electric fires. we have milk fresh from the udder of a coconut. we have flavored bacon. FLAVORED bacon. smoked off peachwood and cherrywood. applewood is old hat.

Madchen: don't fall for his masculine wiles, ladies. we're stronger than that. you know what they say about charmers. all charm, all harm.

Herlina: i would like you to continue. i'm getting hungry. for knowledge.

Musculo: certainly, milkmaiden. you seem to be getting fatter since last i saw you. around the stomach. paunch?

Herlina: that made me feel bad. but continue.

Musculo: we have indoor greenhouses that are heated solely through our sun our sun is so big and bright. fresh choucroute garnie daily.

Hilary: snitches get salads.

Madchen: sauerkraut?

Musculo: if you like, fraulein. the beards on our palm trees are long and flowing like monks. we can grow grass faster than your ass. we can craft baseball fields by the thousands even though our people despise the sport.

Madchen: we do, too, it's just harder for us to let go.

Musculo: uh huh uh huh i had a contingency plan either way. the horrible sounds those cutting mower blades make. our ear is more sensitive.

Hilary: i loved the World Series this year. provided a warm distraction for me. i like their butts. *Tina groan* i am still a woman. but i really got excited when Joe Buck in his excited monotone talked about everyone in America getting a free taco. i wanted that taco to come from a taco truck not Taco Bell but i didn't have the power yet. i was waiting for that shortstop to first-base play to occur. i know the name of that Taco Hero. i do not know the name of the Series MVP. the Taco Hero is the real MVP.


at guard duty, Harfi twirls two guns around one bored bicep.

Harfi: i'm bored.

the two cats swirl around Harfi's biceps.

Harfi: hello.

Poppy: well finally! what does it take with you people! i'm Poppy the male cat.

Milla: i thought i was the male.

Poppy: no you're the female. fine, but you're the one named Milla. i do not want to be named Milla. you gotta choose.

Harfi: i guess no one ever notices.

Poppy: no one ever makes time to notice. it's all around you.

Harfi: i never knew you cats talked. but i'm too tired to be flabbergasted. sorry.

Milla: this is a problem. we must infuse wonder back into life again.

Harfi: *lying down on the pointy ship wreckage* yeah. i guess. we soldiers need a war. there's only so much planning you can do.

Poppy: so when you're not fighting you're thinking about fighting? that's all you do? and they berate me for taking naps along the fireplace. that is sad. you humans are sad. not even enough time to smell the roses?

Harfi: when i think of flowers, when i picture a flower in my mind, i picture a girl plucking it and then there's a nuclear explosion.

Milla: come on. follow us for once. power to the peaceful. we are infused with centuries of tracking instincts. we've already made our hay of this land. we sense energies you can't. low ones cos we keep all our feet to the ground. we're not afraid to get in the mud and sniff around.

Harfi: okay. it's not like i'm doing anything.

Poppy: wait, we're cold! we're shorthairs! can we climb into your parka?

Harfi nods.

the cats twirl into each other, hop on top of Harfi's head and begin kneading her hair and temples. they curl up into a ball and form a cat hat about her face.

Poppy: we drain, uh, suck up your energy, twirl it around, and send it back to your brain so you think clearer. that's real heat.

Harfi: now this is a hoodie. real fur, too.


the ladies and man continue on their merry way through the frigid hills. Musculo's path under his feet forms a fast cloud that clears a path like a snowblower. they can see a building in the foggy offing that Musculo claims is his palace but with each ground they make the palace remains in its exact far-off place.

Herlina: wait i'm figuring out the snowmelt ratio on my watch.

Musculo: oh the ceremony is delightful. we place a pearl onion on each of the naked toes of your left foot, and candied raspberries on your right. then a buff manservant wearing royal pine sucks them off. we throw them all into the batter into the boiler, uh cauldron, and voila you have rosca de reyes, baby! sexy and sweet, like you.

Herlina: *blushing* hnngnghhhngngngngn. you sold me on the toe-sucking. manservant is a catchall term, right?

Musculo: well it's the Krampus Ball so every sex is wearing a Krampus head anyway. you can't tell.

Hilary: and who was my Obamacare dentist back at Evans Mills but none other than Vanessa Goncalves herself.

Herlina: mmmmmmmmm i'd let her handle my mouth anyday.

Hilary: she brushed up against my tongue. anyway so yeah i started getting into sports. ESPN. Cold Pizza. cos all i do now is eat cold pizza.

Madchen: you have cold pizza!!?

Hilary: not with me, it's a metaphor.

Madchen: metaphors don't fill bellies.

Herlina: i know what does.

Hilary: there's this thick-as-fuck babe on there, Mollie with the good hair and full face. and Maxwell and Steven. Steven is jealous cos glamourpot Mollie clearly likes Maxwell's baby blues and virile vocabulary and totally powerful turns-of-phrase and handsome pencil-beard smile and cute short stature, Maxwell is a small man. and so Steven gives Mollie a hard time. Steven recently landed a billion-dollar contract so he thought he could walk up to Mollie all paid and declare himself and he'd fuck a bitch out of course. but Mollie ever the puss rebuffed his advances so there's tension. Maxwell is happily married but here's the question up for debate: role-play as the wife. would you give Maxwell a one-time-get-out-of-jail-free-card pass for fucking Mollie in a Connecticut bathroom? i mean it's something Maxwell has to do, this is his chance. at the end of the day, men are dumb animals who fuck. it has nothing to do with love. it's visceral and instinctual. they're animals. they need it like food. there's plenty of handsoap in the bathroom to rinse off the stench afterwards. though it's difficult to tell the difference between the cum and the soap, they're the same color. is anyone listening to this? this is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night at 3AM thinking. i suppose i use it as a shield against my bills.

Herlina: girl don't justify, multiply. we're all animals. hey where's Harfi? she'd love this girltalk. so this you use to justify your own indiscretions?

Hilary: no. sadly no one else was interested in me at the Cream House. cream house, ironic. well there was Rahm. Rahm tried to ram me. but that guy is a dick. a small man.

Musculo: i can feel the weather shift. the winter is getting harsher by the sentence. i do not understand your reasoning. why not use your local guide.

Madchen: no, ladies. he's just being a patient wolf. you sense that? we're getting warmer in this ice. we're on the right track.

Hilary: sorry, we're distracted. and our bellies are crying they're so empty.

Herlina: especially mine.

Musculo: there is wildlife here you are unfamiliar with. like...

...and right on cue


Hilary takes care of them all with her knife.

Herlina: that was scary! hold me!

Madchen: what the fuck, man! what kind of tour guide are you? why did those jackals have briefcases? what were in the briefcases?

Musculo: i told you. they are bigger than your jackals. they got piss-drunk all night at a local bar that's an adjacent wing to the palace thinking about how they were lied to all their lives and just used by the government as spies and cannon fodder. they were ready to take it all out on you foreigners.

Musculo: wait. you see that?

Madchen: i smell it.


Hilary: if you build it they will come. huh. maybe the orange man was onto something. i could never tell with him, he constantly winked at everyone after he said something. he was a winker.

Herlina: i see them, too, so they're holograms, not ghosts. don't think you're special.

Musculo: no, further afield up the horisont. see that animal huffing and puffing?

Madchen races to caress the animal's chin. it's a goat with two tails. it is breathing heavy on its side that its ribs sway with each stroke. one side of its face is coated with blue pixie dust in its gaze and gob. the other side is lifeless and gray.

Musculo: it's too late. this animal is lame.

Madchen: no it's not, this animal is cool!

Musculo: i mean...*frustrated sigh*...yeah it's cool. ice-cold. it's on its last legs. those could be drumsticks for you. i don't eat, that would present a logistics problem. thank you for offering.

Madchen hugs the wounded beast and strokes its two tails. she wraps the tails around her head like a crown. then she starts licking the tails like a young girl putting her long hair in her mouth.


Harfi: STOP! don't eat the sacred cow, mama!

Musculo: goat.

Harfi: yes, it is the Greatest Of All Time. the cats explained everything to me. they talk to me. like in English it's not that i'm crazy.

Musculo: what filthy beasts! i wasn't scared of the jackals but i'm scared of you! Earth cats, right? i read about you. disgusting milk-suckers.

the cats groom themselves in front of the man in protest.

Poppy: way to discriminate, man! not all cats are the same!

Musculo: yes you are! you're all the same breed! you're no different, you're all alike! you all come from the hills of Siam and i shall treat you as such. what will you do, woman. this is your Choose Your Own Adventure decision.

Hilary: i'm hungry! for mexican.

Herlina: i'm getting frostbite. i want to dress up. in a long, flowing dress. and a mask.

Harfi: my tits are itchy.

Milla: we're good on milk. the cats are hiding in Harfi's fireplace.

Musculo: i'm getting anoesis you're taking too long!

Madchen is as stony as a statue.

Monday, December 5, 2016


1. what story does your family always tell about you? the time i blogged about them...
2. at what age did you become an adult? tell me one thing that's good about being an adult................go on, i'm here, i can wait...
3. what is the most embarrassing thing you know about your parents? they never dated, they were just always my parents. they also accidentally ate for dinner the stork that delivered me so i can never talk to that stork. there was a bucket mixup at KFC when i was one-year-old.
4. this year, what is the most important life lesson you've learned? vote. early and often. paper ballots only. vote in the recounts, too. vote twice if you have to.
5. describe your childhood self in 5 words. were you happy? happier than i'll ever be (now)
6. who in your family has been kindest to you? i don't want to throw anybody under the bus but my cousin who's a bus driver is a real dick.

bonus: who are you closest to or trust the most---a friend or family member? God. and by God i mean Spalding Gray. alas Spalding is no longer with us but every time i pop in one of his monologues it's like a sermon. Rebecca Sugar will only answer you in song. i tried to interview Lars von Trier once. i had it all set up but at the last minute he said he had a dentist's appointment and cancelled. i bumped into him later that evening at Krispy Kreme.


Friday, December 2, 2016



* it helps anxiety? well i've tried everything else. do you crush the stones and mix it with milk?

* Frank: i'm lonely but i got a nice house in the hills.

* Frank: i use that little mirror to shave. i have yet to shave.

* Frank: tea, earl grey, hot....................................oh i still have to make it myself?

* Frank: that woman in the painting? i ate her. no, it's not what you think, i mean sex, sex.

* Frank: they said this hat was XXL.

* Frank: hooligans drove by and slanted my mailbox with their bats. i ate them.

* Frank: i don't walk with a gimp, that's my dick. thank you, Dr. Frankenstein.

* Frank: i screwed red and green christmas lights into my bolts? festive, huh?
little girl: makes it creepier. you've ruined Christmas for me forever.

* Frank: wait! just wait! motherfucking wifi in this motherfucking town in this motherfucking blizzard.

* Frank: don't be scared, this is my real voice. it's so low it causes tsunamis.

* crowd: we don't know that one. you know "Last Christmas" by Wham!?

* little girl: i was just joking before. i know that's your real face and you can't help it.

* little girl: are you crying?
Frank: men aren't supposed to cry. men are supposed to be scary.

* Gordon Ramsay: it's colder than a witch's tit! where's my motherfucking coffee!!?.................i'm in the wrong commercial again innit? one day, Gervais, one day...

* crowd: that Everybody Loves Raymond ending. i mean come on. it's gotta be better than that.


happy weekend. stay cold.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016


IT WAS MADCHEN! that's what you waited all week for, IT'S MADCHEN!

Madchen emerges from the crack of the aquamarine gem. ass first coincidentally. she is calmly clammy. a finger of hers falls off, turns into a sword, then poofs away in a sick yellow cloud. she is naked and her auburn hair flows more than usual cos there's more of it cos it hasn't been cut in like forever. it flows in the windless late afternoon. her skin is glistening and almond-milk, not pale and sallow as you'd think being trapped in essentially a tiny ufo in space for months on end.

Madchen: jealous. you ladies got the sun. my tan needs work.

three female devotees fall humbly to her feet.

Carmen: oh my goddess...

Madchen: call me mama. i'm just like you.

Carmen: mom...

Madchen: mama

Carmen: we missed you terribly. we longed for your stewardship.

Madchen: i knew you gals'd handle it. you're women. of big butts and sturdy hips and strong lips. i really needed a long nap after all that Earth shit.

Carmen: yes my liegess, we still mourn for your son. a terrible irrevocable loss.

Madchen: don't let this white skin fool you, i have every right to be goth but i'm not. the rest did more than revitalize me, it rejuvenated me. i'm sad but cynical. my trauma is tempered. i'm still adorable but a little angry. more a bitch than a witch. i love you guys. missed ya.

they hug for an hour. Harfi holds on a bit more.

Hilary: what the hell is going on here?

the reunited beauty-shop quartet wipe away tears. Madchen's tears are saltier.

Harfi: your return brings it all back. like a flood. in my eyes. i miss Hartwin. i loved Hartwin. more than you. he was my first. my one and only.

Madchen: okay, that's enough hugging. i know, dear. let's not get crazy but i know, dear. he was my first son. my one and only.

Harfi: you are kinder than i remembered.

Herlina: *with sparkle eyes* you are more beautiful than i remember.

Carmen: you have more gravitas than i remember.

Madchen: that's the thing with memory, everything gets forgotten. i am proud of my girls. you survived the deep trenches of space. you fought off all aggression and even had a mild romance along the way.

Harfi: no.

Carmen: no.

Herlina: kinda.

Madchen: that's a problem, mis amigas. we women need to use our wiles for wilds. it's not a space opera without the star fucking. we'll get to that, there's time. for now we must reinforce our orientation. i'm starving AF. you were strong. female strength is like an ant's strength, imperceptible and unexpected.

Hilary: what the fuck is going on here?

Madchen: oh hello. hey aren't you that lady who ran for President? sorry i'm not as obsessed with politics as you are. i tend to forget the whole thing once it's over. sorry for leaving you back there but i felt something was missing.

Hilary: i wish i could turn off. what planet is this?

Madchen: that's my line. you're alright, lady, you're first in my book. i can already see you've changed. you've swapped that hideous pantsuit for a proper uniform. you're one of us.

Hilary: i see women helping other women and i well up. i don't wall up. i want to learn your ways. i want to help out. i want to see where i went wrong. i'm not bitter. i was cheated. and like any woman who was cheated on, i plan my revenge in a cold, calculating manner.

Madchen: well how do you like that? see? we're really not in control. the fates are. i thought you were a goner. i felt guilty about that. i thought i was gonna need therapy for life. despite all my efforts you managed to survive and find your way here to thrive. right where you belong. i feel better about myself. our paths are set in the stars.

Herlina: insert "fate" with "black hole" and i agree.

Hilary: thank you, ma'am. i feel more accepted than i ever have. but i do miss my the Pope. i hope she's alright without me.

Madchen: nah, she's a bad bitch like us. we are made in the image of our Creator after all. i needed someone over there to lord over Atlantis. she'll whip 'em into shape. with her whip. the Earth survivors aren't survivors until they survive her. i'm sure she misses you. she's a hop, skip, and a black-hole jump if you ever want to visit her. but for now let her do her important work.


Atlantis inside the bubble:

the Pope marches back and forth with a sign that reads DEAR IVANKA: YOUR DAD'S A CREEP in front of the last remaining brick of Bump Tower. she follows the brick up a red high-heel shoe with a red bottom. and up a nice-looking leg with a red bottom, Ivanka.

Ivanka: *holding a red-cup cappuccino* yeah, i'm here, what.

the Pope: oh hello dear. it's just you seem the most reasonable of the kids. like you don't want the life, you just want to sell your junk on QVC like the rest of us. honey, you must join the Resistance. put on this safety pin. your father must be stopped! how did your meeting go?

Ivanka: the QVC one? cancelled when the Earth blew up. my dad's dead.

the Pope: only in this timeline. ideas spread like comets. speaking of galactic fire, you're fucking hot. my white sheets are getting colder. bedsheets, talking about bedsheets. what say you warm up my lonely nights and become my Christmas fireplace? i can excommunicate you if you refuse...


Hilary: on the black-hole ride here i viewed a trailer on my watch. the wifi was astronomically spotty but i managed to enjoy the rich textures of the Wonder Woman trailer. i may be old, but this romance is older. i haven't been this excited just from a trailer in never. this is the first time i've ever been excited from a Hollywood trailer.

Madchen: i feel ya...

Carmen: i feel ya...sorry, mama, but we know her longer. i feel ya, girlfriend, that Gal is a gal!

Harfi: where's Herlina's girllove retort? where is Herlina?

Madchen: she seems to want to disappear herself.

Harfi: i feel ya. i like the action sequences on scooters. there's something about scooters. you see the dressing-room fitting scene? that amazon is a princess!

Madchen: but is she prettier than me?

Hilary: i'm glad i missed Thanksgiving this year. i actually had an excuse this year. all my relatives got sacked this year and were looking for handouts. what am i, made of gold?

Madchen: only your hair. did you say Sachs?

Hilary: you do pay attention!

Madchen: okay i confess. i was feigning disinterest cos frankly i didn't want you joining our group. change is hard. it's pretty boring being in a gemstone. nothing to do but read the paper.

Carmen: i love Thanksgiving. i do it for my family. the cats love that unusual dark meat. i slave over a hot stove for 13 hours getting the turkey brined just right. i put the brine bag over my head and sniff the fumes, that's how i get through it. i pluck all the herbs from my countertop aero garden to taste. i can't taste seasoning anymore, my tongue has no more tastebuds from aborted parseltongue spells.

Harfi: when i was in the army we just went to Denny's. you can't tell the difference. turkey's turkey. we didn't talk about our life goals, we talked turkey. we laid out our next military operation, spreading the folding plan over our lit table over a pot. the only spice was in the Wild Turkey bourbon. the bourbon in the coffee.

Madchen: yeah i would have liked to have gone to Denny's but i always assumed Hartwin preferred his mother's home cooking. don't lift one finger and you got good food. and you don't have to clean up! don't forget about the horrendous cleanup! five bottles of disinfectant, five ruined brushes, and five dishwater loads later...

Harfi: a Denny's booth was Hartwin's favorite place in the whole world. even more than his room. i learned that on our first date.


Herlina has wandered off. in the driving snow. to a cave where a wampa used to dwell. she lies down on a blanket of blizzard for her daily emo evocation.

Herlina: i'm not losing weight as fast as i'd thought. i've seen the future and i'm not going.

Cumberbitch: oh don't talk like that.

Herlina: it's you. i'm calling you Cum out of respect. or maybe Mr. C. like Happy Days. i thought the drug cartels got you.

Cumberbitch: if it's not one death squad it's the next. let me tell you, they are telling the truth when they tell you that marijuana kills.

Herlina: i've heard Carmen's stories. all i hear is your voice.

Cumberbitch: come closer to Cum. i'm in hiding. see me yet? it's classic camouflage.

Herlina looks down the down shaft of the cave and notices the entire left facing side is one big wampa popsicle. the hairy beast is frozen in solid ice! but he can still smile that goofy toothy grin.

Herlina: you okay like that? you comfortable? how are you surviving?

Cumberbitch: inside here i drink my own juices. it's like prison.

Herlina: fitting. or, well, ironic. i'm too nice. i can't stay mad at anybody. i was thinking of going on a water fast.

Cumberbitch: that sounds healthy and not dangerous at all. that doesn't include ice, right? please lick me out of this mess.

Herlina: i've waited forever for someone to ask me that.

Herlina begins licking the gigantic popsicle with Cumberbitch inside.

Herlina: what do i use for the popsicle stick?

Cumberbitch: just stick a stick in me. i'm done. use a stick that always seems to be lying around at any given time.

with each successive lick Herlina's tongue turns ever bluer. but not her spirit. she is losing her tastebuds for a good cause.


Madchen: ladies...and Madam President.

Hilary: aw, shucks. hey!

Madchen: we need to hunt for food. remember what i taught you. sense it. sense it communally, then draw strength from the group and steal it to steel you. be the straw. straw strength. recognize the energy of the universe. it's blue cos it's yellow. it's not male or female but it's playful like a witch's fox familiar. use that energy to pinpoint your specific place in it. that's how you sense others not like you. only you can see food for what it really is. this way. follow me.

Hilary: *taking notes in her green notebook* follow me she says...

Madchen opens her hand and a yellow spark which emerges blue forms a spear from her arm. the impromptu group path for awhile through a couple dry straw mazes until they bump into a rather strange-looking alien with gray skin. it's not that he's strange from a human point of view, he looks very similar to a human, but he's strange by his own species. like he doesn't seem to fit the standard size. his legs move so quickly under him that his feet are lost in a constant cloud, he glides to move, he doesn't walk, it's like he's being dragged. he has breasts exactly like a woman's on his chest.

Hilary leaps toward the alien and slashes him with a knife.

Hilary: *tribal chant using her tongue rolled up like a taco* lululululululululululululemon

Musculo: what the fuck, man!!!?

Hilary: sorry.........sorry..........sorry about that........working my way through some stuff.......out of some stuff.....out of it..........sorry............i'm noticing you aren't bleeding.....

Musculo: ay ay ay! dona guapa! reina regalia! como estas ustedes? es? eu? is that correct? do i bow now?

Madchen: my my my you're big! like i mean tall, not your penis, i wasn't staring at your large penis. you have muscles everywhere!

Musculo: that is my name, don't wear it out on money. i am a strong man. stop staring at my tits! well okay stare at my breasts, not my fat. i've read about your kind. the teacher-expert elite at my school tried to ban the forbidden text but i hacked it. i was in detention all throughout high school but who needs prom? Earthlings, right?

Madchen: that sounds weird.

Musculo: okay don't call us Keplerings, that sounds weird. we're just people. people are people. Lutum, human, Transformer, all fascinating and fucked up. i sensed you were searching for food. hungry?

Madchen: you have good sense.

Musculo snaps his finger and the storm ends.

Musculo: there's a pizza farm just down the road, past the weird barn behind the drive-in screen. let it thaw out first.

Herlina: i love cold pizza. i like your big tits.

Harfi: there you are.

Musculo: tits is such a filthy word. at least call them boobs. we feel things intensely. we are governed by how others feel things. that's why are hearts are two sizes too big. our hearts literally protrude from our chests and thus need funbags to encase them. we feel past facts. our special ability is the ability to sense sensers. we are drawn to strong cultish personalities.

Madchen: cool cool. so either show us to the nearest Denny's or the nearest cow or get the hell outta our way.

Musculo: but you're so close. this is your path. your path alone. i can't help, only annoy. repeating myself, once again, as i said before, as i was saying, hungry? what's your game?

Harfi: too tired to bullshit anymore.

Musculo: hungry in my country means you are hungry to play a board game. chess? checkers? three-dimensional chess? sorry, the hologram broke down in the storm. no more wires.


Carmen: wait, before we play, let me check our luck and crack open an egg to explore its entrails.

Madchen: oh jesus you aren't still reviving that regressive ridiculousness, right?

Carmen: right?

Musculo: there's a century egg back at the castle i'm sure you'd be interested in. to eat or to play. this way. follow me.