we return to the moon.
Jen R: it's such unspoilt land here, it'd be a shame if it was built. just let it be a wilderness.
Ivor Robson approaches us in a green jacket and mic. he's looking glum.
me: Ivor, she didn't mean it...
Jen: whatever is the matter, ol' boy? i used the last Ivory Dove bar in Royal Troon on my bum, and for that i apologize profusely.
Ivor wipes away a year and continues his duty.
Ivor Robson: i'll let you go...
Abby Wambach: i'm not the coach of the Canadian Women's Soccer team. i never needed a drone to win, i shut out the droning voice of all my coaches and used my head...
Common Side Effects: thirtysomething + Weeds + NYPD Blue as a cartoon...
Pete Sampras: the biggest clay tournament i ever won was Rome.
Boris Becker: not the French Open?
Sampras: i always had to play Nadal...
Boris: you beat me in Rome, the surface was like the Moon. you beat me at a very strange time in my life...
Pete: how's the prison tennis court?
Boris: it's watered by inmates like Wimbledon.
Charles Barkley: what the hell am i gonna do on TNT now?!!! I HATE HOCKEY. the only movie they show is that stupid Avengers thing. i suppose i could start gambling again.
Joe Biden: for the saving of democracy i pass the Olympic torch.
Jake Tapper: the blonde on this panel STILL LIKES the dude with grey hair.
Univision: don't take the Bump Pledge!!! come on, we're Mexico, we don't give in to scare tactics.
Norrish Creek hermit: i don't need a gun, i'm a hermit.
Minster: you are NOT coming with us.
Leslie Sbrocco: one day.........a restaurant featured on Check Please will later be featured on Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares...
Jaws: i love eating out charcuterie...
Ear Horn: how are you doing, dearie?
Eye Luggage: i'm well, mom, thanks for asking.
Ear: Mike + the Mechanics "The Living Years."
Eye: yeah, "as well as you hear," "eye to eye," this is OUR song.
Vanquish Mode on Instagram DM: when your message like your headache disappears once the label is seen...
snail: i'm not becoming escargot, i don't care about the Olympics. i'll jump off your plate if i have to. you gotta SLOW DOWN in life...
snail: you gotta make love SLOW...
Westin: need to jog in a forest? do it out of a hotel...
Mike Tyson: their heavyweight beds.
Daft Punk: we should do a cover of the "put you on hold" phone song...
Less from Mr. Maldark's class: the yellow arrow, this traffic-light direction is impossible to follow...
bear: this isn't a bear costume. i'm a real bear. i gaze along this tree-lined mountain range from the S-curve of this mountainpass freeway, thinking about how Existentialism can be applied to bears.........and picnic baskets...
Jen R: i'm gonna DoorDash a coffee. just this one time this morning on the moon...
Jackie Fitzgerald: my new man wears a Pizza My Heart shirt.........but he doesn't surf. there is no perfection in this world, ladies.
Safeway employee with the monk beard: why can't i push Skylar around with my words telling her what to do in the morning? because i push a mop in the afternoon?...
Jillian Barberie: i'm a better dancer than Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson never won a Gold Medal in Breakdancing at the Olympics.
Michael Jackson: yes i did. i would have. you scrawny bitch. it's called Breakin. growing up my brothers and i played lawn hockey.
Sonic Youth "Bull in the Heather" music video: scared you to death. it was spooky. you watched it late at night on 120 Minutes.
Kim Gordon: that shaker instrument. art school gave me a mean furrow in my brow.
Matt Pinfield: that music video frightened me so much i called my mom from the radio station asking for milk and cookies.
Fonzie: motorboating is an Olympic sport. remember in the '80s at McDonald's when you collected all the stick-figure stickers from all the Olympic sports? it was in Los Angeles that four-year. why wasn't i in Jaws?...
Minster: monks love music, it helps us get through the pain of another barren day. our favorite song is Depeche Mode "Personal Jesus."
The Hat world-famous pastrami sandwiches in Alhambra: we're not In-N-Out Burger...
Sailor Mars: best job in the world after priestess? sleep consultant.
Gabby Bernstein: the Om only works if you're in the middle of a Manhattan street during rush hour but the whole area is abandoned like the covid years.
Julie Patzwald: nightcore is not goth. daycore is actually scarier.
Trent Reznor: i was born to fight the dark forces of plunderphonics.
Dr. Rick: why is learning History so boring?
Rick Steves: because you need money to travel...
Martina Navratilova: i fell head-over-heels in love with Pete Sampras the first time i laid eyes on him.
Chris Evert: his serve. Pete's sublime serve mechanics and impeccable timing.
Martina: with the man. he was never late to our dates. he hated cars.
Jen: you loved him in mid-air. you fell in love with him AS he was serving...
Shelley Duvall in Paris at a cafe wearing a beret: French cigarettes are Shelley Duvall cigarettes. those thin cigarettes the Existentialists smoked.
Martina Navratilova: i wore Sally Jessy Raphael glasses on court that somehow never came off when i played tennis.
Sally Jessy Raphael: except yours were blue...
me: me especially, i need to take Vitamin P.........for balance...
Lindy Lenz: we could have a Zoom date but it takes place right during the Olympics Opening Ceremony.
me: see that's the thing...
Pee-wee Herman at the Olympics: the athletes coming out on boats was my idea. i taught your kid French. French toast.
Wes Anderson in a Louis Vuitton bellboy hat: i'm handing out the Olympic medals in Paris...
the Hunchback of Notre Dame: Paris is not the city of love, it's the city of the threesome...
Bruce Willis: other ways for the athletes to enter: submarine...
Matthew McConaughey: train.
Liz Phair: jetpack.
Ethan Hawke: i'm at the Opening Ceremony in the river, where are you?
Julie Delpy: at home in our house under the Eiffel Tower with our twins...
John Lennon: don't worry, the horse rider across the water isn't The Apocalypse.
Kurt Cobain: from the muddy banks of the Seine.
Michael Jackson: i was the masked horse rider...
Smokey the Bear: wait, the Olympic Flame will float in a hot-air balloon for a month?
Lindy Lenz: that's a fire hazard...
Smokey the Bear: this whole Olympic Opening Ceremony was like an episode of American Gladiators...
we come back to cheer up poor Ivor. i hug him.
Ivor Robson: it's just.........my dream was to be a hotelier...
Jen slapping Ivor's back wearing a golf coat with elbow pads: you'll do your dream justice, Ivor ol' chap.
Ivor: i want to do right by the Fawlty Towers. not Cleese that bastard. the others who were always so kind to me, a stranger lost on a golf field. i'm gonna have the most scrumptious hotel guests: David Gilmour, Robin Hood...
Robin Hood: the fox one, the good one.
i take a moment to eye out our new land, our new home, in the bitter quiet of space. and my blessings.
me: the Moon. and my two beautiful Baltimore bases.........moonbases...
Jen: i can't believe nobody snatched up that $2000 car and left it to us!!! i mean REALLY, Carmel...
Lindy: TAP TAP TAP, i'm waiting for my dinner, make my dinner, Joshy Boshy.
me: the sweet strains of domesticity.
the three of us by a moon campfire.
Lindy: it's hella chill here.
Jen: this is where all chillwave music comes from...
me: so i'm thinking Fosters Freeze, i've never had crinkle fries delivered to the house...
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