President Biden looks at the flaming-phoenix oil painting on the wall right before he enters the chamber for his speech:
Biden: i used to know a guy like that. i can do this, i can do this alone, i don't need a chamberlain. i can speak to an empty house.
he takes his handkerchief from out his breastpocket and wipes his brow and nose. he calmly slips the Communion wafer under his tongue and enters the swinging doors of Congress.
at the Scholastic Book Fair Pat buys Ares and SCRYE Magazines, Max buys MadLibs...
Max: i thought they were Max Libs.
and Rosie O'Donnell buys a book about Mary Lou Retton illustrated PeeChee-style.
Rosie: that's book faire. i bought so many Pee Chees i need a Pee Chee for my pee chees.
Max Kellerman: Pat, you and Gina are so live!
Pat: i know i can't believe it, this actually happened from my dreams.
Rosie O'Donnell: SECOND date at McDonalds?! this is getting serious!
Pat: the Dragonslayer toys are coming to the Happy Meal this week, i want to surprise her with ALL 7 of the toys, even the rare scuba-diver one.
Caitlin Clarke: he helped me with the swimming lessons not the suit, i was already in my birthday suit.
Max: toys are good but just don't make her choke.
Takahashi: i've been scratching my colonized dick all week waiting for this film group.
Boc: same. to yours.
Madame Pons: one of my girls has had one hell of a covid-year. she played the blonde in Frozen on Broadway.
Takahashi: i think that's white.
Madame Pons: she had a youtube following that skyrocketed after she filmed herself giving birth to a live moose. the messageboards shadowed her wondering if her marriage was real or a money sham. the guy was a hot hockey player so it made sense. ironically her tips on intentional living were not followed in her real life cos she got divorced. the community saw it coming for years.
Dirg: covid sure but maybe it was the whole youtube life that did it. jus sayin.
Madame Pons: my other girls are TERRIFIED this will happen to them. all my camgirls are freaking out that their futures are also gonna be them having to change their profiles to:
single mamabear too busy to forage for any more dates that aren't fruit
Dirg: i asked her about her status soon after:
Dirg: are you still a Christian?
Elsa: nope, not after my divorce.
Ben Grimm: did you see my Tremfya commercial?
cat familiars: we're gonna devote all our time to rescuing lost cats on Instagram.
Russell Westbrook: cut my sandwiches diagonal like my hair.
Russell Wilson: i can cook. just between you and me, Russ to Russ.
Seth Curry: yeah but have you ever beaten Gordon Ramsay by beating an egg?
Laertus: sometimes a mob is a good thing.
Takahashi: just never Mob Psycho 100.
Laertus to Cousteau's son by the lake of fire: it's like Imagemakers for the environment.
Dirg: Cousteau's son? not as good as Papa but whatever.
Ernest Hemingway: why aren't more dogs named after me?
Cousteau's son: well we can live beside the ocean. leave the fire behind. swim out past the breakers. watch the world die. that's what i did with my family.
Bertolucci: Emilia Romagna, not a woman, a place. the only place that'll still house my Hollywood Walk of Fame star.
Laertus: Los Movies gave me my soul back! it invigorated my senses and love of film once more! availability is the best ability. it's bringing me back to life. i can envelop myself in the beauty of cinema again. this one goes out to all the gangs in heaven!
Kim Novak has buried herself in the Obec Woods eating nothing but dollar slices and painting outdoor watercolor tableaus. but her lodge gets burned down by mobsters. Sammy Davis Jr faked his own death and lived in a Bigfoot costume in the woods for 30 years until it was safe to come out again. straight.
Kim Novak: you waited till i was enough of a recluse for the cameras to go away so you could rejoin me and we could continue our illicit love.
Sammy Davis Jr: nothing illicit about it, baby, we just good for each other and the world's mad about it. next time i ball you on top of your bed of logs we gotta fuck hard enough to make a kid.
Kin Novak: tru tru, only with our kid will we make a stance in the world. only then can we join the Royal Family. our little girl ain't selling any of her paintings till she becomes Queen of England.
Dirg: the only good thing about SVU is when they do acting classes on a Broadway stage for de-escalation.
Amy Tan: i was the inspiration for Detective Conan at Berkeley.
Madame Pons: oh Taka, i want our Forest McDonalds to be exactly like Amy Tan's house in San Francisco!
Mark Hapka: every 11:11 i shout out Hapka! like Kobe!
Dirg: Pink Skies Ahead hits a little too close to home. i'll only watch it if Henry Rollins takes me to 7-Eleven after.
Carmen Aristegui: i don't dance around the issue.
Mardith: he's so good-looking he has his wife questioning her marriage.
Dirg: the trashmen need to think quickly when they see the bucket by the side of the road with the dirty drop in it. they have to decide as they pull up whether or not to take that bucket.
Dirg: that commercial with the mom's camping dream in the forest, the husband is playing his flute if you know what i mean.
Melissa Maker: my new podcast is called
Nathan Lane: i am always the last story of every single episode of 60 Minutes.
Max Kellerman: this is why i love the NBA above all else. cos they're about to go above the rim, i hear this Jordan kid is promising. the NBA Playoffs always start the last month of school and the Finals roll around the first week of summer vacation. i can just relax with my shoes on on my mom's sofa when she's away at work which is always, eat chips, sleep late cos no more school, and veg ball and bald heads.
Rosie: veg like a ref.
Il Fornaio: our restaurant didn't succeed cos nobody could pronounce the name.
Laertus's dad: 18436572 was my pager number.........i pushed the button and the universe formed.
Tyzik: you know how you know you're a bigshot on Instagram? tons of fraud accounts acting as you.
Rita Moreno: the key to best sex? when i'm in the mood. and i cross my fingers he's in the mood at the same time, too. which never happens actually. i have an EGOT but i should have had more of an ego and been the strong independent woman i projected in my films in real life. Brando aborted my baby with his rough sex. it was more like crazy sex than rough sex. and he insisted we always use butter. to this day i have no idea what buttered peas taste like.
Doryce: i'm the nurse in the hospitality tent! send the boys over! as you know i'm a golf expert...
The Squid and the Whale: see our film, get the vaccine! hey, whatever gets the numbers up, you know?
Dirg: when you lose contact with an Instagram contact for 5 years, you finally get back on her page again, and the first pic you see is of her holding a baby.
Doryce: there is nothing more putrid than the smell of Denny's in the morning. i need a bath after emptying Mardith's trash.
Doryce: it seems so unassuming, that little rectangle to the side of Mardith's computer, yet it carries within it so much piled carton-on-carton work.
Mardith: the best part about bubble tea is the straw.
crones: we are getting a nice tour of Obec each time you order from a different restaurant, Mardith dear!
Laertus: i mean you can like the Smiths without being a hipster, right?
Michael Weiss hides his bicycle...
Madame Pons: is it just me or is Pandora jewelry ugly?
Black Lab: all this time you thought it was a darkened laboratory of chemicals for drugs but it was a black Labrador.
cat familiars: we always knew.
Europe: The Final Countdown will start in Berkeley, not Europe.
Takahashi: kilig is when your heart gets killed.
Laertus: the thing is whenever i look at anything old, it's all white.
Lorne Michaels: i don't even know who Elon Musk is, all i know is he's gonna bring in the mucho ratings come May sweeps!!!
Elon Musk: one skit has me being the Evil Earth Emperor.
Lorne: are you that guy who runs that far-left-wing newspaper?
Andrew Dismukes: the only SNL thing i'll ever be known for is criticizing Elon Musk.
Elon: you dismissed me.
Maura Quint, bouncing: twitter sucks but until i can mute people in real life i'm stuck here.
Cinderella: kindly pick up my mucusy napcloth and point me in the direction of Obec Belle.........my eggs have deflated from disappointment so i'll even try their tofu scramble.
Dirg: Mardith, sleep for one more extra hour a day...
Amy Tan: i actually do have a tan, got it from laying about in the sun on the roof of my luxurious made-from-hammocks bungalow in the middle of the City of San Francisco!
Quentin Tarantino: like me, ER-style!
at the Madcap Motel:
Harley Quinn: guys i went out into the world but the problem is i am so tired now, i don't know if i can do the things anymore. i think this may be a chemical imbalance...
Laertus: Comcast will NOT sabotage my dreams!!!
Eye Luggage: it doesn't say boot on the cablebox, it says toot.
Doryce: remember, Dirg, the gardeners work on Sunday, their mow is their liturgy to Jesus Christo.
Biden: *drinking loudly* i'm a racing fan. what can i say, make sure your bidon is green-new-deal.
Madame Pons: i'm ashamed! i'm ashamed every time i go through the Carl's Jr drivethru and two monster trucks are squeezing me front to back.
Ormeau: where the 49ers went.
49ers: people forget our past glory. in football and in gold. but the one thing good we did was the blue jeans.
Mardith: not everyone is meant to be your lifelong friend, people come in and out of your life like tiny raindrops, breadcrumbs meant to stain your sofa till the lesson you needed to learn is learnt.
Dirg sucking on a vacuum robot: don't make me cry.
Dirg: if someone doesn't post an Instagram for a day and someone else doesn't post an Instagram for a day, that means those two someones fucked that day.
Dirg at CVS:
Dirg: that's actually the first time i got temperature-checked for anything.
Laertus: how could they tell with your furrowed brow?
Dirg: i rolled the sleeve up on my wifebeater shirt to show the nurse my guns. she told me to roll around my arm and i told her i knew all of Zeke from Attack on Titan's backstory. you KNOW the next shot will be on season-finale weekend...
Eye Luggage: this will never happen in your life again, this confluence of events, taking a vaccine ten minutes before the Oscars...
Madame Pons: it's very old-skool Hollywood glamour to take something before a show, like a shot of snuff.
Dirg: um, being the Jeopardy host is not the same as being President.
Soma Sara: i'm doing Mortal Kombat in real life. without a mask, i'm showing my face. get Billy Corgan outta my room!
Chadwick Boseman: damn errybody already forgot about me?
Dirg to Chloe Zhao: did you get vaccinated on Oscar night?
Chloe Zhao: i like dinosaurs.........if you know what i mean. i'm a nomad in my own country.
Doryce: why aren't there 7 chocolate bars instead of 6 for the week?
Gladyce: makes the package easier to store stock sort and ship when there're 6, less bulky.
Eye Luggage: shoulda had Velma Dinkley playing the nun in that Birdgirl episode.
Eye Luggage: those subtle face and finger movements from Meredith the Mindtaker there.
Dirg: that was male rape tho.
Mardith: folk of our generation don't date, we hook-up.
Wayne Ferreira: i was the original Cabbage Patch Man.
Doryce: why we out of spoons?
Gladyce: cos you drink 5 ice teas a day. next time use ONE spoon for all your tea.
Doryce: but i like to lick the spoon.
Mardith: it helps for an actress to be New Age, keeps her present.
Mardith: i'm cosplaying as Meredith the Mindtaker.........well hopefully i can cosplay in October.
Codrus: don't know about anyone else, but i LOVED when Christa Ludwig performed for me in front of me in that dress. that dress was so revealing it made Beethoven blush.
Dirg: Cinderford Ironworks, where the real men drink their cokes, biatch.
Cinderford: Cinderella's dad lives here.
Mardith: *looking at the Snapchat camera giving the middle finger* fuck cheerleaders.
Madame Pons: that's my atta girl.
Mardith: i don't get it.
Codrus: Mauro Morandi, what an asshole.
Cotard: yes but only to you.
Codrus: he kicked me out of my beach hut! he said i couldn't keep my volleyball!
Cotard: you were fucking your volleyball so it counted as a roommate.
Takahashi: i wanna taste Papa's beard!
Laertus: the outside world is bad.........but so are cults.
TV Weekly: we're not bargain-basement TV GUIDE, we're simply your local tv guide.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Dirg: i ate Jeffrey Catherine Jones's Dragonslayer poster...not Jeffrey Jones the pedo actor.
Laertus: we know what Dragonslayer's gonna be. it's completely predictable. and yet it's an '80s fantasy that's new to me haven't seen it so it's spun magic gold.
Eye Luggage: dragon's eggs, R.I.P. Caitlin Clarke.
Eye Luggage: Dragonslayer and go.
Rubikon: this is the quintessential Medieval romance. and not just cos of the two white women.
John Hallam eating a dragonfruit: i look like Stephen Fry.
Sydney Bromley: i'm that guy who is the archetypal old man with that face and that crazy beard and those whiskers you know so well cos he's your very grandfather smoking a pipe in your very den fireplace.
Gerald McRaney: i could never be you, sir. i don't got the ruddy red cheeks i got the raney blue cheeks.
Sydney Bromley: i was on Sesame Street, right? i could have sworn.........yes had to be, that had to be me as the Muppet.
Peter MacNicol: did it have to be me? i don't even list this on my CV. there's been a miscasting and i'm not talking about crone spells. i should be from Scotland but i'm from Texas. i don't look heroic at all, i'm taller then than i am now which is an elf. i look like a live Muppet. and when someone who looks like me tries to be heroic it comes off as assholery.
Caitlin Clarke: the producers wanted me to enunciate all my lines, the net effect being i come across as slow in the head cos i'm slowly saying each word with deliberate dourness.
Chloe Salaman: i wish the Brazil president was right and the vaccine DID turn you into a salamander, i'd be alive today. why did BOTH women in this die untimely. the Curse of Disney Princesses?
Doctor Who: you would have been the First Female Doctor, not me.
Mazursky: you thought Down and Out was bad, THIS is supposed to be Disney?!!! i mean you got nudity, virgins made crispy by fire, and slavery. and an animatronic dragon not built for a ride.
Tracy Nelson: yes dad, he's a roadie who snorts cocaine. his name is Jim. he probably won't last long.
Richard Dreyfuss: why?
Tracy Nelson: it's Jim Belushi.
Ian McDiarmid: there's a thin line between a monk's robe and a Sith lord's robe. thin fabric. when i tried to cast a spell in this i could only save teddy bears.
Dirg: wait was the name Vermithrax ever actually SAID in this movie? i don't remember hearing it, not mentioned once.
Laertus: industry insiders STILL say to this day that the dragon in this film is the best dragon in film history.
Mazursky: dragons make me sick, i puke dragonfire. lots of cables for this dragon, both pulleys and computer cables.
Mardith: my headcanon is that this won for best special effects. at the time, remember, at the time state-of-the-art. i mean that spinning egg alone was enough to win the award, made me think of my prepubescence.
Laertus: okay this is the STUPIDEST test of all time! prove you're a worthy wizard by surviving a fucking knifing to your chest. good ol' Urland is losing many a good wizard that way.
Ulrich: you can't kill me, i'm Obi-wan Kenobi.
Hodge: i put the wizard's ashes in my leather pouch instead of yours, Galen. spread it over a lake of fire.
Galen: i'm not old enough to see Backdraft or Nirvana Unplugged.
Galen: i knew you were a woman, we didn't need to nearly drown. we're not doing soap opera here.
Valerian: did you see my ass! my bush? my tits? my ring?
Galen: no i swear! did you see my cock?
Valerian: no you're not a good diver.
Galen: i shall seal this large boulder.........easy, just how Jim Henson said it'd go down. easy like Fraggle Rock.
Galen: i did my next trick for the royal court but it did not please them. i made a baby dance before them!
Princess Elspeth: i had no idea i was being spared for the lottery. Shirley Jackson still did not have her loot for her lute. the Hilton and Richie Houses were still in their infancy, weren't fancy yet. and there was no recognition of white privilege in the '80s.
Princess Elspeth: i asked my father about the inherent unfairness but he was busy with his model train.
Vermithrax Pejorative the Dragon: i made it a point to incinerate the priest first.
Cotard: all the names in this are deliberately hard to spell and pronounce. i'm used to it cos i lived in these times but not modern audiences.
Takahashi: why does the lottery scene look like a Red Bull commercial?
Galen: thank you for everything, Valerian. it's lucky as fuck your father is the blacksmith. to make me my magic spear that's not my penis.
Valerian: yeah he's friends with the Governor of California.
Galen: did you collect all these dragon scales from the cave?
Valerian: not that's my Pandora jewelry.
Rubikon: why is the blacksmith never black?
Valerian: i was self-conscious wearing that dress but the townsfolk didn't seem to mind.
Galen: yeah they're progressive for the times, they thought you were crossdressing and accepted you.
Valerian: i get it. you love the princess. don't blame you, she's beautiful. and she's brave.
Galen: she's out of my league. unless i marry Prince Harry.
Valerian: i shall work in the mines for you.
Galen: hey babe, it's not about that. it's okay, i like you. you're a virgin but we can change that.
Valerian: i shall give you the first-ever blowjob in recorded human history.
Dirg: hey Princess, why did you get all noble when you didn't have to?
Princess Elspeth: i watched a lot of Code Geass.
Laertus: your rigging just evened the playing field, all lotteries are rigged, especially the California one.
Princess Elspeth: the California House is known throughout the land.
Laertus: there's always a Darth/Luke fight scene at the end.
John Hallam: i play a pretty good heavy in this. i'm rotten to the core and intimidating. i'm like if Mr. Roper, Jack's boss at the restaurant, and Larry from Three's Company combined. Three's Tyrian.
Rex Ryan: ugh. i know i have a foot fetish but the bloodied cut-off feet of a princess in a dragon's lair, that's disgusting.
Madame Pons and Eye Luggage: the dragon is in the clear, she's just a mamabear.
Laertus: strange, Galen is no longer the hero, the hero all along was Ulrich.
Ulrich: i'm not dead i'm a hologram!!!
Eye Luggage: and suddenly this becomes an '80s hair-metal music video atop a mountain.
Ulrich: i never mentioned where i come from. the House of Japan.
King Casiodorus: the Devil made me do it but God saved me.
Mardith: quick, the king needs to take a pic of the giant fried dragon for the Gram! green chickie nuggies everybody! nuggets enough for the whole land!
Galen: i went to the prog-rock concert and all i got was this lousy t-shirt, it's not even white like the horse i wanted!
Valerian: is that your white horse?
Galen: why is it not a unicorn?
Tom Cruise: your budget ran long.
Dirg: HEY THIS WOULD MAKE A GOOD BOARD GAME! g'night, folks.
Laertus: this film leaves me feeling warm inside. i imagine myself living in Middle Times and this is exactly the stuff i'd be doing. g'night, folks,.
everyone arrives at the hangar in the woods. inside there is no Boeing 747, just Richard Dreyfuss crying:
Caitlin Clarke: WHERE'S THE DRAGON?!!!
Richard Dreyfuss: Tom Clancy took it! he wanted one last ride!
at the Scholastic Book Faire Pat gets long Garfield rectangular books, a colorized Children's Bible, and a poster of David Hasselhoff leaning on K.I.T.T. Rosie O'Donnell gets her Sweet Valley High poster, Arthur, and Playmobil.
Rosie: and Super Mario Bros, just the booklet, it's illegal to sell the video game to girls.
at the Forest McDonalds Gina has another test for Pat:
Gina: what is the claw?
Gina: it's not my vagina.
Pat: oh i know! it's the shape your hand goes in as it forms behind your butt when you reach out for a fry.
Gina: you pass.
Pat: am i a golden wizard now?