Friday, April 30, 2021



* i wake up sleep still in my one eye, rubbing my newly-shaven head, blanket in my mouth. to the rumble of the trash trucks i later gathered. i spy through the slit of my curtains the three trucks gallant friends driving in a circle around each other like musketeers waving their rapiers. away from my place, just missing that empty spot of lawn where i put the 3 bins to be picked up. I FORGOT THE TRASH RECYCLING AND YARD WASTE!!! it was there and then that i knew what it felt like to be Beck and his last 10 albums.

* this is a Behind The Scenes of BTS.

* what would George Carlin say about Earth Day 2021?

* Gen Alpha: don't you DARE call us Gen BETA!!! we won't wait.........cos we literally can't wait or the entire human race will have to live on a space station above the Earth cos the planet will be uninhabitable. i mean who do you think's gonna clean up this mess!? you guys get to die, this is OUR future, our time, our life. the media says we're a stalled generation but wait till the lockdowns for climate change come, THEN we'll start manufacturing those online video games in a hurry.

* Waterworld scenario: all ocean. but there still has to be room for the windmills.

* BTS: we're not androgynous, we're Korean.

* scuba diver: we'll pick up the trash from the kelp.........and that phone you lost at the bottom of the ocean with all your revealing compromising nude shots.

* we had to do our greenhouse INSIDE. thanks, Boomers!

* we all use spraybottles. when we spray ourselves with water we turn into cats, this is evolution.

* humans will be drinking from bidons long after Biden's 8-year Roarin' Twenties.

* high fashion is now trashbag dresses. we have to turn the lights off FOREVER cos there's no more energy. sure it's less dangerous but don't you want to SEE your lover!

* can't grow peanuts anymore, this is brown candy that looks like peanuts, there's only candy to eat now. 

* there's still packing peanuts but nobody makes anything anymore so there's nothing to ship.

* you thought that was a couch. you thought that was Tom Cruise doing a skateboard trick. the couch is an illusion, everyone has been aboard a virtual-reality cruiseliner this whole time...

* the Earth has had so many earthquakes its plates are now visible from space.

* the only good news is robot police dogs have been reduced to light switches.

* hi, my name is Douglas. i look like a professor but i decided to get into the entertainment business. cos i wanted a quiet life in my twilight years. turns out EVERYBODY there's younger than me! i mean fuck me. i mean why can i only find work in the anime industry? i view art not as art but as competition. so i take these strange drugs that are slipped under my maildoor each month and try to get by. my only consolation is i got to marry Barbra Streisand.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i finally saw that green check by In N Out Burger, indoor dining is back! and i won't go in cos i hate crowds!


there's a known agenda out there and Bill Gates is broke paying for it. The Lion King left a generation traumatized on the stoop. keep me in mind for sainthood. Amazon is Jeff's last name, he's sleeping with Burt for the bee honey. The Mandalorian is better without the only bad Gina who ever lived. meet me in the middle. Charlie Brown got a red tongue. only drink bourbon at midnight. helium makes you dynamic then gassy. there's a hidden stash of porn of essential quality if you want to be loved in this world, cos the only love that matters is masturbation. only you can rock your world. a king's fury is peanuts, the queen is highly motivated to seduce Spock with a soup and sandwich and fuck him to avoid the next pandemic, the Bourbonic Plague, which is what happened in the Roarin' Twenties when the booze ran out.  

red for roses


Wednesday, April 28, 2021


President Biden looks at the flaming-phoenix oil painting on the wall right before he enters the chamber for his speech:

Biden: i used to know a guy like that. i can do this, i can do this alone, i don't need a chamberlain. i can speak to an empty house.

he takes his handkerchief from out his breastpocket and wipes his brow and nose. he calmly slips the Communion wafer under his tongue and enters the swinging doors of Congress.

at the Scholastic Book Fair Pat buys Ares and SCRYE Magazines, Max buys MadLibs...

Max: i thought they were Max Libs.

and Rosie O'Donnell buys a book about Mary Lou Retton illustrated PeeChee-style. 

Rosie: that's book faire. i bought so many Pee Chees i need a Pee Chee for my pee chees.

Max Kellerman: Pat, you and Gina are so live!

Pat: i know i can't believe it, this actually happened from my dreams. 

Rosie O'Donnell: SECOND date at McDonalds?! this is getting serious!

Pat: the Dragonslayer toys are coming to the Happy Meal this week, i want to surprise her with ALL 7 of the toys, even the rare scuba-diver one. 

Caitlin Clarke: he helped me with the swimming lessons not the suit, i was already in my birthday suit.

Max: toys are good but just don't make her choke.

Takahashi: i've been scratching my colonized dick all week waiting for this film group.

Boc: same. to yours.

Madame Pons: one of my girls has had one hell of a covid-year. she played the blonde in Frozen on Broadway.

Takahashi: i think that's white.

Madame Pons: she had a youtube following that skyrocketed after she filmed herself giving birth to a live moose. the messageboards shadowed her wondering if her marriage was real or a money sham. the guy was a hot hockey player so it made sense. ironically her tips on intentional living were not followed in her real life cos she got divorced. the community saw it coming for years. 

Dirg: covid sure but maybe it was the whole youtube life that did it. jus sayin.

Madame Pons: my other girls are TERRIFIED this will happen to them. all my camgirls are freaking out that their futures are also gonna be them having to change their profiles to:

single mamabear too busy to forage for any more dates that aren't fruit

Dirg: i asked her about her status soon after:

Dirg: are you still a Christian?

Elsa: nope, not after my divorce.

Ben Grimm: did you see my Tremfya commercial?

cat familiars: we're gonna devote all our time to rescuing lost cats on Instagram.

Russell Westbrook: cut my sandwiches diagonal like my hair.

Russell Wilson: i can cook. just between you and me, Russ to Russ.

Seth Curry: yeah but have you ever beaten Gordon Ramsay by beating an egg?

Laertus: sometimes a mob is a good thing.

Takahashi: just never Mob Psycho 100.

Laertus to Cousteau's son by the lake of fire: it's like Imagemakers for the environment.

Dirg: Cousteau's son? not as good as Papa but whatever.

Ernest Hemingway: why aren't more dogs named after me?

Cousteau's son: well we can live beside the ocean. leave the fire behind. swim out past the breakers. watch the world die. that's what i did with my family.

Bertolucci: Emilia Romagna, not a woman, a place. the only place that'll still house my Hollywood Walk of Fame star.

Laertus: Los Movies gave me my soul back! it invigorated my senses and love of film once more! availability is the best ability. it's bringing me back to life. i can envelop myself in the beauty of cinema again. this one goes out to all the gangs in heaven!

Kim Novak has buried herself in the Obec Woods eating nothing but dollar slices and painting outdoor watercolor tableaus. but her lodge gets burned down by mobsters. Sammy Davis Jr faked his own death and lived in a Bigfoot costume in the woods for 30 years until it was safe to come out again. straight.

Kim Novak: you waited till i was enough of a recluse for the cameras to go away so you could rejoin me and we could continue our illicit love.

Sammy Davis Jr: nothing illicit about it, baby, we just good for each other and the world's mad about it. next time i ball you on top of your bed of logs we gotta fuck hard enough to make a kid.

Kin Novak: tru tru, only with our kid will we make a stance in the world. only then can we join the Royal Family. our little girl ain't selling any of her paintings till she becomes Queen of England.

Dirg: the only good thing about SVU is when they do acting classes on a Broadway stage for de-escalation.

Amy Tan: i was the inspiration for Detective Conan at Berkeley. 

Madame Pons: oh Taka, i want our Forest McDonalds to be exactly like Amy Tan's house in San Francisco!

Mark Hapka: every 11:11 i shout out Hapka! like Kobe!  

Dirg: Pink Skies Ahead hits a little too close to home. i'll only watch it if Henry Rollins takes me to 7-Eleven after.
Carmen Aristegui: i don't dance around the issue. 

Mardith: he's so good-looking he has his wife questioning her marriage.

Dirg: the trashmen need to think quickly when they see the bucket by the side of the road with the dirty drop in it. they have to decide as they pull up whether or not to take that bucket.

Dirg: that commercial with the mom's camping dream in the forest, the husband is playing his flute if you know what i mean.

Melissa Maker: my new podcast is called

The Melissaist

Nathan Lane: i am always the last story of every single episode of 60 Minutes.

Max Kellerman: this is why i love the NBA above all else. cos they're about to go above the rim, i hear this Jordan kid is promising. the NBA Playoffs always start the last month of school and the Finals roll around the first week of summer vacation. i can just relax with my shoes on on my mom's sofa when she's away at work which is always, eat chips, sleep late cos no more school, and veg ball and bald heads.

 Rosie: veg like a ref.

Il Fornaio: our restaurant didn't succeed cos nobody could pronounce the name.

Laertus's dad: 18436572 was my pager number.........i pushed the button and the universe formed.

Tyzik: you know how you know you're a bigshot on Instagram? tons of fraud accounts acting as you.

Rita Moreno: the key to best sex? when i'm in the mood. and i cross my fingers he's in the mood at the same time, too. which never happens actually. i have an EGOT but i should have had more of an ego and been the strong independent woman i projected in my films in real life. Brando aborted my baby with his rough sex. it was more like crazy sex than rough sex. and he insisted we always use butter. to this day i have no idea what buttered peas taste like. 

Doryce: i'm the nurse in the hospitality tent! send the boys over! as you know i'm a golf expert...

The Squid and the Whale: see our film, get the vaccine! hey, whatever gets the numbers up, you know?

Dirg: when you lose contact with an Instagram contact for 5 years, you finally get back on her page again, and the first pic you see is of her holding a baby.

Doryce: there is nothing more putrid than the smell of Denny's in the morning. i need a bath after emptying Mardith's trash.

Doryce: it seems so unassuming, that little rectangle to the side of Mardith's computer, yet it carries within it so much piled carton-on-carton work.

Mardith: the best part about bubble tea is the straw.

crones: we are getting a nice tour of Obec each time you order from a different restaurant, Mardith dear!

Laertus: i mean you can like the Smiths without being a hipster, right?

Michael Weiss hides his bicycle...

Madame Pons: is it just me or is Pandora jewelry ugly?

Black Lab: all this time you thought it was a darkened laboratory of chemicals for drugs but it was a black Labrador.

cat familiars: we always knew.

Europe: The Final Countdown will start in Berkeley, not Europe.

Takahashi: kilig is when your heart gets killed.

Laertus: the thing is whenever i look at anything old, it's all white.

Lorne Michaels: i don't even know who Elon Musk is, all i know is he's gonna bring in the mucho ratings come May sweeps!!!

Elon Musk: one skit has me being the Evil Earth Emperor.

Lorne: are you that guy who runs that far-left-wing newspaper?

Andrew Dismukes: the only SNL thing i'll ever be known for is criticizing Elon Musk.

Elon: you dismissed me.

Maura Quint, bouncing: twitter sucks but until i can mute people in real life i'm stuck here.

Cinderella: kindly pick up my mucusy napcloth and point me in the direction of Obec eggs have deflated from disappointment so i'll even try their tofu scramble.

Dirg: Mardith, sleep for one more extra hour a day...

Amy Tan: i actually do have a tan, got it from laying about in the sun on the roof of my luxurious made-from-hammocks bungalow in the middle of the City of San Francisco!

Quentin Tarantino: like me, ER-style!

at the Madcap Motel:

Harley Quinn: guys i went out into the world but the problem is i am so tired now, i don't know if i can do the things anymore. i think this may be a chemical imbalance...

Laertus: Comcast will NOT sabotage my dreams!!!

Eye Luggage: it doesn't say boot on the cablebox, it says toot.

Doryce: remember, Dirg, the gardeners work on Sunday, their mow is their liturgy to Jesus Christo.

Biden: *drinking loudly* i'm a racing fan. what can i say, make sure your bidon is green-new-deal.

Madame Pons: i'm ashamed! i'm ashamed every time i go through the Carl's Jr drivethru and two monster trucks are squeezing me front to back.

Ormeau: where the 49ers went.

49ers: people forget our past glory. in football and in gold. but the one thing good we did was the blue jeans.

Mardith: not everyone is meant to be your lifelong friend, people come in and out of your life like tiny raindrops, breadcrumbs meant to stain your sofa till the lesson you needed to learn is learnt.

Dirg sucking on a vacuum robot: don't make me cry.

Dirg: if someone doesn't post an Instagram for a day and someone else doesn't post an Instagram for a day, that means those two someones fucked that day.

Dirg at CVS:

Dirg: that's actually the first time i got temperature-checked for anything.

Laertus: how could they tell with your furrowed brow?

Dirg: i rolled the sleeve up on my wifebeater shirt to show the nurse my guns. she told me to roll around my arm and i told her i knew all of Zeke from Attack on Titan's backstory. you KNOW the next shot will be on season-finale weekend...

Eye Luggage: this will never happen in your life again, this confluence of events, taking a vaccine ten minutes before the Oscars...

Madame Pons: it's very old-skool Hollywood glamour to take something before a show, like a shot of snuff. 

Dirg: um, being the Jeopardy host is not the same as being President.

Soma Sara: i'm doing Mortal Kombat in real life. without a mask, i'm showing my face. get Billy Corgan outta my room!

Chadwick Boseman: damn errybody already forgot about me?

Dirg to Chloe Zhao: did you get vaccinated on Oscar night?

Chloe Zhao: i like dinosaurs.........if you know what i mean. i'm a nomad in my own country.

Doryce: why aren't there 7 chocolate bars instead of 6 for the week?

Gladyce: makes the package easier to store stock sort and ship when there're 6, less bulky.

Eye Luggage: shoulda had Velma Dinkley playing the nun in that Birdgirl episode.

Eye Luggage: those subtle face and finger movements from Meredith the Mindtaker there.

Dirg: that was male rape tho.

Mardith: folk of our generation don't date, we hook-up.

Wayne Ferreira: i was the original Cabbage Patch Man.

Doryce: why we out of spoons?

Gladyce: cos you drink 5 ice teas a day. next time use ONE spoon for all your tea.

Doryce: but i like to lick the spoon.

Mardith: it helps for an actress to be New Age, keeps her present.

Mardith: i'm cosplaying as Meredith the Mindtaker.........well hopefully i can cosplay in October.

Codrus: don't know about anyone else, but i LOVED when Christa Ludwig performed for me in front of me in that dress. that dress was so revealing it made Beethoven blush.

Dirg: Cinderford Ironworks, where the real men drink their cokes, biatch.

Cinderford: Cinderella's dad lives here.

Mardith: *looking at the Snapchat camera giving the middle finger* fuck cheerleaders.

Madame Pons: that's my atta girl.

Mardith: i don't get it.

Codrus: Mauro Morandi, what an asshole.

Cotard: yes but only to you.

Codrus: he kicked me out of my beach hut! he said i couldn't keep my volleyball! 

Cotard: you were fucking your volleyball so it counted as a roommate.

Takahashi: i wanna taste Papa's beard!

Laertus: the outside world is bad.........but so are cults.

TV Weekly: we're not bargain-basement TV GUIDE, we're simply your local tv guide.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Dirg: i ate Jeffrey Catherine Jones's Dragonslayer poster...not Jeffrey Jones the pedo actor.

Laertus: we know what Dragonslayer's gonna be. it's completely predictable. and yet it's an '80s fantasy that's new to me haven't seen it so it's spun magic gold.

Eye Luggage: dragon's eggs, R.I.P. Caitlin Clarke.

Eye Luggage: Dragonslayer and go.

Rubikon: this is the quintessential Medieval romance. and not just cos of the two white women.

John Hallam eating a dragonfruit: i look like Stephen Fry.

Sydney Bromley: i'm that guy who is the archetypal old man with that face and that crazy beard and those whiskers you know so well cos he's your very grandfather smoking a pipe in your very den fireplace.

Gerald McRaney: i could never be you, sir. i don't got the ruddy red cheeks i got the raney blue cheeks. 

Sydney Bromley: i was on Sesame Street, right? i could have sworn.........yes had to be, that had to be me as the Muppet.

Peter MacNicol: did it have to be me? i don't even list this on my CV. there's been a miscasting and i'm not talking about crone spells. i should be from Scotland but i'm from Texas. i don't look heroic at all, i'm taller then than i am now which is an elf. i look like a live Muppet. and when someone who looks like me tries to be heroic it comes off as assholery.

Caitlin Clarke: the producers wanted me to enunciate all my lines, the net effect being i come across as slow in the head cos i'm slowly saying each word with deliberate dourness.

Chloe Salaman: i wish the Brazil president was right and the vaccine DID turn you into a salamander, i'd be alive today. why did BOTH women in this die untimely. the Curse of Disney Princesses?

Doctor Who: you would have been the First Female Doctor, not me.

Mazursky: you thought Down and Out was bad, THIS is supposed to be Disney?!!! i mean you got nudity, virgins made crispy by fire, and slavery. and an animatronic dragon not built for a ride.

Tracy Nelson: yes dad, he's a roadie who snorts cocaine. his name is Jim. he probably won't last long.
Richard Dreyfuss: why?
Tracy Nelson: it's Jim Belushi.

Ian McDiarmid: there's a thin line between a monk's robe and a Sith lord's robe. thin fabric. when i tried to cast a spell in this i could only save teddy bears.  

Dirg: wait was the name Vermithrax ever actually SAID in this movie? i don't remember hearing it, not mentioned once.

Laertus: industry insiders STILL say to this day that the dragon in this film is the best dragon in film history.

Mazursky: dragons make me sick, i puke dragonfire. lots of cables for this dragon, both pulleys and computer cables.

Mardith: my headcanon is that this won for best special effects. at the time, remember, at the time state-of-the-art. i mean that spinning egg alone was enough to win the award, made me think of my prepubescence.

Laertus: okay this is the STUPIDEST test of all time! prove you're a worthy wizard by surviving a fucking knifing to your chest. good ol' Urland is losing many a good wizard that way.

Ulrich: you can't kill me, i'm Obi-wan Kenobi.

Hodge: i put the wizard's ashes in my leather pouch instead of yours, Galen. spread it over a lake of fire.
Galen: i'm not old enough to see Backdraft or Nirvana Unplugged.

Galen: i knew you were a woman, we didn't need to nearly drown. we're not doing soap opera here.
Valerian: did you see my ass! my bush? my tits? my ring?
Galen: no i swear! did you see my cock?
Valerian: no you're not a good diver.

Galen: i shall seal this large boulder.........easy, just how Jim Henson said it'd go down. easy like Fraggle Rock.

Galen: i did my next trick for the royal court but it did not please them. i made a baby dance before them!

Princess Elspeth: i had no idea i was being spared for the lottery. Shirley Jackson still did not have her loot for her lute. the Hilton and Richie Houses were still in their infancy, weren't fancy yet. and there was no recognition of white privilege in the '80s.

Princess Elspeth: i asked my father about the inherent unfairness but he was busy with his model train.

Vermithrax Pejorative the Dragon: i made it a point to incinerate the priest first.

Cotard: all the names in this are deliberately hard to spell and pronounce. i'm used to it cos i lived in these times but not modern audiences.

Takahashi: why does the lottery scene look like a Red Bull commercial?

Galen: thank you for everything, Valerian. it's lucky as fuck your father is the blacksmith. to make me my magic spear that's not my penis.
Valerian: yeah he's friends with the Governor of California.
Galen: did you collect all these dragon scales from the cave?
Valerian: not that's my Pandora jewelry.
Rubikon: why is the blacksmith never black?
Valerian: i was self-conscious wearing that dress but the townsfolk didn't seem to mind.
Galen: yeah they're progressive for the times, they thought you were crossdressing and accepted you.
Valerian: i get it. you love the princess. don't blame you, she's beautiful. and she's brave.
Galen: she's out of my league. unless i marry Prince Harry.
Valerian: i shall work in the mines for you.
Galen: hey babe, it's not about that. it's okay, i like you. you're a virgin but we can change that.
Valerian: i shall give you the first-ever blowjob in recorded human history.

Dirg: hey Princess, why did you get all noble when you didn't have to?

Princess Elspeth: i watched a lot of Code Geass.

Laertus: your rigging just evened the playing field, all lotteries are rigged, especially the California one.

Princess Elspeth: the California House is known throughout the land.

Laertus: there's always a Darth/Luke fight scene at the end.

John Hallam: i play a pretty good heavy in this. i'm rotten to the core and intimidating. i'm like if Mr. Roper, Jack's boss at the restaurant, and Larry from Three's Company combined. Three's Tyrian.

Rex Ryan: ugh. i know i have a foot fetish but the bloodied cut-off feet of a princess in a dragon's lair, that's disgusting.

Madame Pons and Eye Luggage: the dragon is in the clear, she's just a mamabear.

Laertus: strange, Galen is no longer the hero, the hero all along was Ulrich.

Ulrich: i'm not dead i'm a hologram!!!

Eye Luggage: and suddenly this becomes an '80s hair-metal music video atop a mountain.

Ulrich: i never mentioned where i come from. the House of Japan.

King Casiodorus: the Devil made me do it but God saved me.

Mardith: quick, the king needs to take a pic of the giant fried dragon for the Gram! green chickie nuggies everybody! nuggets enough for the whole land!

Galen: i went to the prog-rock concert and all i got was this lousy t-shirt, it's not even white like the horse i wanted!
Valerian: is that your white horse?
Galen: why is it not a unicorn?
Tom Cruise: your budget ran long.


Laertus: this film leaves me feeling warm inside. i imagine myself living in Middle Times and this is exactly the stuff i'd be doing. g'night, folks,.

everyone arrives at the hangar in the woods. inside there is no Boeing 747, just Richard Dreyfuss crying:

Caitlin Clarke: WHERE'S THE DRAGON?!!!

Richard Dreyfuss: Tom Clancy took it! he wanted one last ride!

at the Scholastic Book Faire Pat gets long Garfield rectangular books, a colorized Children's Bible, and a poster of David Hasselhoff leaning on K.I.T.T. Rosie O'Donnell gets her Sweet Valley High poster, Arthur, and Playmobil.   

Rosie: and Super Mario Bros, just the booklet, it's illegal to sell the video game to girls.

at the Forest McDonalds Gina has another test for Pat:

Gina: what is the claw?

Pat: ...

Gina: it's not my vagina.

Pat: oh i know! it's the shape your hand goes in as it forms behind your butt when you reach out for a fry.

Gina: you pass.

Pat: am i a golden wizard now?


Monday, April 26, 2021


Matchmaker Matchmaker, make me a match!

and they did, too, on that '70s shag orange-and-brown carpet, i mean EVERYONE hooked up with EVERYONE on that show! the keys were so worn out at parties everyone had bikes. that microphone was NOT skinny long enough to keep the stars away form the contestants, they needed to be pried by Gene Rayburn.

and then came that fateful show the afternoon following Easter Mass 1974:

when Brett Somers, Charles Nelson Reilly, and Richard Dawson formed the messiest threesome orgy in recorded human history, topping even the one done by Nero using his skinny long violin bow.

1. are you ready to go? where are you going?

no, i'm never ready to go, i'm scared. my first live non-Zoom date in over a quarter of a century. i'm going to Match Game 70, filling in for that dude with glasses from MASH who's about to have a baby on an army base.

2. there is something wrong with dating, what is it?

it's just about fucking now, there's no courtship anymore. no more taking her to the arcade for mini-golf and a pretzel that's all mustard and no bread. i fancy myself a raconteur on tour, i need to tell her about all my conquests:

Pac-Man, Donkey Kong, Galaga, Centipede

not THAT Centipede...

3. born to be wild, what's your wild?

cat scratch fever.........until you get covid.

i like the wild of flowers. i like to run naked in bunches and bunches of flowers. the only wild flowers in my area are on mini-golf courses which means i have to be a good swimmer.

4. pick your best feature and sell it to us.

my ears. no seriously. i have the biggest fucking ears since forever. i don't know why they haven't made the live-action version of MAD MAGAZINE yet but i was born to play Alfred E. Neuman! except i worry about EVERYTHING. Alfred E. Neuman looks like my dad. screw it i'll WRITE the damn MAD script myself!

5. fill in the blank: this may sound a little weird but:

i don't know how to stop writing...

BONUS: if you were trapped in a store all night, in which store would you like to be trapped?

the TARGET in Career Opportunities with Jennifer Connelly


Friday, April 23, 2021



* Laertus: i would LOVE for Caitlyn Jenner to win! that would be HISTORIC!!! but why you gotta be Republican? and a Bump Republican at that? it's not like Arnold where even though as he speaks he's brandishing a broadsword longer than his mansion you always get the sense he's not crazy.

* Dirg: the only good thing about SVU is when they practice de-escalation on a Broadway stage, that's the only acting on the show that's real.
Amy Tan: why aren't I a detective on this show?
Eye Luggage: what a well-written script! the woman representing all of us in covid deserves an Emmy. and of course Benson is the only one who can talk down a hostage, she's done all of them.
Tennessee Williams: i'm not alive till i hear that click. i rode the dolphin who has eaten the dinosaur. there is no greater joy in this life than drinking an RC cold in an African hut with your cat cos the tab fell off. honey would you fetch me my snuffbox out of that casket?
Laertus: what a BRILLIANT depiction of what covid is:

it's like we're all in the afterlife, we can see each other, we are here but yet we are NOT here, we can't touch, we can't hug for proof of life.

Rubikon: who would refuse a hug from Mariska Hargitay?
Dr. Fauci: are you real right now? only if you're vaccinated.
Dr. Vacc: and only if you were on tv in a '70s cop show.

* Rambo: there is no need for me in France. ever. but before i shuffled off to my next war, i am a professional soldier after all, i put down my machine-gun and picked up my baton. when i was in China i slipped a little Beethoven in the communist chant before i was recognized and had to escape the red auditorium, i plunged my jeep and crashed it outside. April from TMNT was there waiting for me her arm outstretched her other arm holding onto the rope ladder hanging from the depressed helicopter. this was as good a time as any to ask her:

Rambo: am i cute?
April makes the face where her lips turn into an X

* Dirg: the German gymnasts are gonna win all the gold medals.........and Sports Illustrated won't show it.

* Flo: this is our Seinfeld commercial.

* Flo: we have the sticker up, where's Lady Gaga?

* woman: isn't something wacky supposed to happen now?
Richard Dreyfuss: i was able to call off the SWATting at your mansion this time but i won't always be around. somedays i'm aboard an alien ship. 

* Joey Fatone: i went down to downtown L.A. and legally changed by last name at City Hall to Fat One. i told the clerk

only want a space

i can take a joke.

* Lance: i only did this cos i thought i was going be the first gay Bachelor...

* Rodney: read the room. live life like an actor, always have 3 different things prepared to say at any one time.

* Justin Timberlake: it's obvious why i'm not there. wait who's the other guy?

* Carisi: i would be with Rollins but we're taking a long break so Meloni can get his bearings. so blame Meloni for all the squashed shipping.

* Phoenix: i can't see Joey Fatone. i can't UNSEE Joey Fatone! all those bitter memories flooding back in of what The Hub could have been. sigh. what if we had gotten another season of Spooksville? then all of our questions would have been answered! what if The Haunting Hour really was an hour! okay the Transformers stuff yeah you know i actually could use a Transformers break, give me a rest of about one to two years then i'll come back to Transformers.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: see it's either Taco Bell for potatoes but i've had their potatoes before. or Wendy's cos i need a BIG burger not just a burger, a SQUARE burger that's a square meal.

OH YEAH ALMOST FORGOT: there's no suspense here, Nomadland will win. darkhorse? Jena Friedman writer of the Borat movie!!!


Wednesday, April 21, 2021


The Pope has an announcement for P.S. 101:

The Pope: first of all you kids don't seem the least bit impressed that the very Pope is at your little rinkydink shindig school. i mean i could be ANYWHERE! secondly, i will be relinquishing my reigns over to Mary Magdalene come next calendar year...whatever year something i dunno i'm outta here i'm done, done with this job it was too constricting even with my liberal interpretation. you will find me forever naked by a Cancun cave, vaya con adios!

Pat at the playground: i want to ask Gina out but i dunno.

Max Kellerman: you don't ask someone out at our age, you just play with them. there's no grade-school dating despite what Sweet Valley High implies. 

Rosie O'Donnell: you don't make a move you simply ask her mom if your mom can carpool to McDonalds.

Pat: this is perfect! i will simply ask Gina out to the Pacific Grove forest McDonalds!.

Nancy Grace: see? this is why you never liked me for all those were basically watching Fox News on HLN!

Benjamin Franklin: i see you have a poster of my jock-with-glasses visage at your small school, school for small people. well what they won't teach you at this little school is that i canceled the dinosaurs.

Jane Fonda: no one will ever see me naked again.

Tom Cruise: including me?

Jane Fonda: i had the best kiss of my life! at San Francisco of all places! i finally saw stars not from absinthe or astrology. i would have married James Franciscus but i thought he was a man of the cloth, i thought he was a monk.

Codrus: monks fuck, too.

Ellen DeGeneres: i mean is it technically a weed drink or pureed caesar salad if you're auditioning for the Sex and the City movie?

Gladyce to Doryce: new rule regarding Mardith's trash: keep all the messy sauce in the little circular plastic containers!!! that way you just chuck the entire full container in the trash, you don't have to empty them out and recycle everything.

Doryce: the worst is cleaning out the thick sauce out of those tiny grooves of the thin plastic container-lids.

Graham Chapman: back then i didn't need security after the show when i wore a United-States-flag speedo.

Beck Bennett: i would have fit in nicely with the caveman frat-boy asshole SNL of the '90s. except i'm a woke caveman.

Geico Caveman: me, too.

at The Weather Channel:

Stephanie Abrams: i married Omar in Saudi Arabia cos it's the hottest place on Earth......a Sharknado was my maid of honor.

Stephanie Abrams: LOOK AT ALL THIS VIEW!!!!!!!!!! not my ass.

Takahashi: Instagram is like a video game: you keep leveling up leveling up leveling up amassing more and more followers, defeating more and more koopas, saving more and more princes, until you accidentally buy Mark Zuckerberg's old castle.

Dirg: the only man's quiltbag i will ever carry is Jason A Quest.

Dirg: why does every commercial end with a dude in shorts petting a dog?

Michael Weiss watching Los Movies: on Instagram, sharing is caring.

Dirg: sharing is cringing.

Boc: i'm waiting for Inner London......i'm London weighting.

Terra Calaway: i love Terra Earth. my hipbone was the Missing Link, humans descended from dinosaurs. obviously my favorite song is "I Can't Wait" by Nu Shooz.

Brooke Baldwin: ...gaping hole...*rereads papers* dammit John Berman!!!

Takahashi: i want Toonami to go full retro for a year and play nothing but every episode of Yu Yu Hakusho.

Madame Pons: the fact that Paula Cole never responded to my comment on her Instagram does NOT diminish my enjoyment of the This Fire fact it enhances it: i feel it now, the end of the "Tiger" song is Bette Midler's orgasm from Down and Out In Beverly Hills.

Dirg: sports shouldn't count unless there's fans.

Don Lemon: it was so bad in Chicago i had to move in with Billy Corgan.

Billy Corgan: yeah i frequented Mary Cadorette's restaurant Mary's Lamb, i was working on the lyrics to "XYU". it seems Cadorette DID learn a thing or two from Jack Tripper.

Pat Robertson: i better start making amends before it's too late.

Dirg: on my profile it says


Columbus Circle: better to bike around than drive around.

Kyrie Irving: just go around.........even by boat.

Mel Kiper: i am not my dad. i am not scared of small fish, i'm looking at you, Don Knotts. my dad served us one boiled pepperoni every night.

Paris Hilton: yeah but at least i dodged the bullet and didn't marry Prince Andrew.

Laertus's dad: i had an idyllic '80s childhood, but then again maybe it was just cos i was a kid. i mean i'm sure being an adult during the '80s sucked.

Pat: i don't know, i'll never be Elena Cornaro Piscopia, you know? 

Joe Piscopo: tell me about it, my family is ashamed i did SNL.

Terri Irwin: look, i'm just not into macho guys like Russell Crowe. but Russell insisted and physically strong-armed me.

Russell Crowe: it was a 9/11 Widow thing.

Dirg: the new Black Clover opening is BTS, huh.

Etika: the Attack on Titan episode that really deserved the 10 on imdb was the restaurant episode with the broken bottle and spleen-juice gas. dramatic tension trumps caveman action-scenes always.

Etika: notice how all the cadets on Attack on Titan are wearing gaiters now...

Honey Salvadori: one day i shall return to the homeland of all.

Dirg: hey does Ice Cube have to pay his whole salary to The Isley Brothers whenever "It Was A Good Day" comes on the radio?

Rubikon: no but J Dilla does.

Trudl Dubsky: Vallejo ain't just got a McDonalds and a Starbucks, its Symphony conquered the Nazis.

Boc: i'll be at the Elizabeth Taylor Adult Theater.........waiting.

Robert De Niro: i dated Stella McCartney in college you was just a fling back then but now i know i should have married her.

Eye Luggage: that's what young people do these days, they record their encounters with police and post them on their Instagram Stories. they're smart.

Madame Pons: life comes in waves always. you're feeling good you got your second shot then BANG a stupid U-turn rule brings the stupid cop.

Mardith: i'm keeping my ipod in my right tit inside my leotard bra while i work out.

Dirg: ipod?

Dirg: Joshua Jackson is living the dream.

Rubikon: bruh

Roger Federer: i like the special-dark Lindt.

Rubikon: of course you do, it tastes the best, we've known this since the beginning.

Tyzik: how do i advance beyond the lowest concentric circle of life?

Rubikon: you wanna go to the secret purple bellydance bar in UWS? you wanna board the fleet of danceboats that are always on those open bridge waters smoking grass as the sun goes down? you gotta date UP, sir!!!

Timothee Chalamet: i AM the Wonder Boy tho. i was born to play Spider-Man.

Fernando Valenzuela's father: i am papi. the padre. i look like Reagan but don't hold that against me.

Martin Yan: so i did Rice Rhapsody knowing i could explain it away to either side when i moved to San Francisco.

Sasha Grey: i was the original e-girl. i was an e-girl before there was a name for it. i was an e-girl before there were video games!!!

Madame Pons to Mardith: don't start selling your bathwater just cos you got bullied at school.

Mardith: for being a weird kid. for not having a clear mental state.

Madame Pons: for being a unique child.

Dirg: that's the devil's money! that money is all wet!

Mardith: a youtuber is like being on a date with all of your followers. everyone knows what she likes but she doesn't know what they like.

Codrus: oh that little sliver of a line on your Wikipedia page indicating 1 children that hardly registers to the eye but it means EVERYTHING to that human to have that one child, that one life.

Madame Pons: i've done the Gupna in my LUSH shoppe, it's very sobering and respectful of piercing and all the blood made me native and want to be vegan.

Dirg: i've done the Gunpla all my life hence my struggling status. i'm a loser but i know how to rage at the wind.

LeVar Burton: i see myself hosting Jeopardy.........i can see it with my visor.

Kurt Cobain: on Sundays i bequeath to Burquest with my ashen smoke. she's in a daze cos she found God. i light my candles for her, my fellow, enter your spirit quest, i am your psychopomp.

Lizzo: my superhero costume is a lime-green bodysuit. i am Captain America's PARTNER not sidekick. it looks like i'm drunk but i'm not, i'm just around Eric Andre a lot.

Mark Hapka: i wanted to be Jake Paul but i was too of the new age: New Age spiritual that is.

Eye Luggage: okay after all that we NEED am Uncle Grandpa/Family Guy crossover!

Cecily Strong: let's be honest, i'm gonna marry LeBron James.

Mardith: i ship it.

Dirg: i simp it.

Birdgirl: see? 3 is always the magic number. the third season is always the best and the third episode is always the best.

Mardith: you know how i know i've been concentrating all day? can of Coke is still half-full at 11PM.

Silverchair: we're the only band in history to go on to be a legitimate respected force in rock music after having won a contest conducted by a mall.

Takahashi: life is ending one post at a time. lifeisendingonepostatatime...look at that closely, you'll notice the word gone in the word caterpillar. 

Laertus: Centipede video-game memories...

Mardith: sexline is for sex lone.

Laertus: what does that even mean? a white spraypaint of USA pointing to the main water pipe of the city.

Rubikon: why would you REJECT Vanessa Bayer tucking you in in the new Casper commercial?

Laertus: he's carrying on as if nothing has happened. he just retains his old followers as before and carries on like nothing has changed.

Don Henley: no i will NOT play Jerry Falwell Jr!!! i'd rather play Joe Exotic.

Mister Rogers: thank you, i will be playing Carole Baskin's husband.


Mister Rogers: for you YEARS before you build up to MY clout, you little pansy.

Dirg: i don't want to be the angry white man here. i'm not angry.........but i mean COME ON!!! they got rid of Cartoon Network for a bald naked cynical money grab!!! 

Eye: they were running low on funds so they thought to themselves, what is the one channel people can't do without? as they stroked their chins.

Laertus: speaking of bald and naked, we don't even get new Uncle Grandpa from this deal?!!!

Uncle Grandpa: *scratching his chin* it's cos i'm not cynical, hope doesn't sell to children.

Madame Pons: we are NOT talking about bubble tea this week.

Dirg: is it just me or is it uncomfortable when the Iranian agony aunts are posting Guy Fawkes Anonymous masks on their Instagrams...

Madame Pons: introducing out newest line of creation by LUSH!:

Baphomet bath soaps! Bathomet!

Bump: general prison...i mean in the vaccine.

Mardith: one day you're not gonna have time for Instagram anymore. you'll be too busy planning your honeymoon!

Madame Pons: and how long do you think that'll take?!

Mardith: one year minimum.

Madame Pons: i don't like the word ass. i don't like saying ass, i don't like writing ass.

Takahashi: if you keep stuffing blocky catalogues into the Treehouse mailbox, the mailbox will be crushed!

Codrus: *chuckling to himself looking at his nude calendar* i have my vaccine appointment today.

Cotard: why does your vaccine-needle drawing look like a cock spewing cum?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Woody Allen: i was told to leave the premises of P.S. 101 and i did with a police escort, not a whore escort.

Jean Doumanian: i told you, Eddie! starring in Mighty Aphrodite instead of Woody would have made it an unstained lasting hit and legacy of a film.

Eddie Murphy: god! how many of these opportunities am i gonna miss?!!!

Helena Bonham Carter: for my next role i want a challenge. i'm gonna play Bill Belichick in the Lifetime movie...i'm gonna be called  Bill Bellatrix.

Eye: Down and Out in Beverly Hills and go.

Dirg: Richard Dreyfuss, he references Close Encounters with the helicopter scene, that was pretty cool.

Bette Midler: oh Richard! time for me to bite, honey.

Richard Dreyfuss: what?

Bette Midler: more wine. 

Bette Midler: i wanted to get with Little Richard on this set but the man would never stop chewing gum.

Dirg: sorry Divine Miss M, i know you can do everything but you were a bitch here.

Laertus: Whiteman, really?

Max Kellerman to Max Whiteman: you're gonna have a hard time here. I am the Max who rules this concrete. i rap you rock, there's a difference.

Evan Richards: not Dan Evans. Down And Out In Beverly Hills=DAOIBH=daoibh=otherwise known as Irish Christmas.

Evan Richards: i really screwed myself over with this shit. i was the only one of the film cast to join the tv cast.........and i was never heard from again. i probably should have noticed that i was the only one doing the tv show.

Rubikon: oh Tracy Nelson!!! OH. i fell in love with her all over again after watching this for the first time. i want her body. those eyes! those lips!

Paul Mazursky: congratulations to me. I, ME, i made Disney dirty, i made the first R-rated Disney film! that's what you get when you get a French expat arthouse chieftain to direct your little precious family-friendly Disney flick. it's about a family alright, a family of freaks!

Jean-Paul Sartre: well this is based on a French play, nuff said.

Bodhi: Bodhi is a name that only happens in France and Southern California.

Nick Nolte: i am in all things having to do with water. one drowning is killing my sibling, one is killing myself. i did a half-Tracy-nelson dive into the pool. i'd like to thank this movie for becoming the catalyst for the first-ever vegan diet in Hollywood: after this all i ever ate the rest of my life was ALPO.

Maiara Walsh: cute dog. love the blue eyes.

Sartre: why isn't the dog named Sartre?

cat familiars: oh that poor first dog! named London. after Jack London. what ever happened to him?

Jane Fonda: don't worry i took him home with me while on my aerobics jog around downtown L.A.

Nick Nolte: i came THIS close to being named after the Tiger Queen.

Elizabeth Pena: i mean do i have to point this out? do i really have to spell this out for White Hollywood? sure i'm in a big blockbuster movie but I'M PLAYING THE DAMN MAID!!!

Tim Curry: again strange with the box-office promotions, this is a holiday movie about Christmas and New Years and yet this came out in late January.

Mino Argento: not the tennis player.

David Byrne: strangely, you couldn't get the rights to the studio version of my song, only my live version.

Richard Dreyfuss: i made millions with hangers. yes, hangers. Mommie Dearest is dead cos of herself so not those cool hangers. not cool '80s hangars that houses all the Tom Clancy warships and warboats for the U.S. Armed Forces. the hangers have metal in them, stolen from Magneto's helmet but don't tell China.

Laertus: okay,

you never see a bum in China

that was funny. even for me that was funny.

Takahashi: still not me.

Dirg: another aspiring filmmaker. trust me, kid, get into music videos.

Tracy Nelson: yes, dad, he's a roadie. yes he snorts cocaine but we are in the '80s.

Dirg: at least it's not the dirty '60s which started all this mess. and Bette Midler the white-woman-savior complex with all the Indian gurus and tennis instructors and Neiman and Marcus working the register. 

Michael Douglas: back in the '80s we made fun of the '60s.

Tony Robbins: wait, there was a walking-over-hot-coals thing before ME?!!!

cat familiars: don't make the dog walk on the hot coals you bastards!

Nick Nolte: have you noticed Communism has only worked in Nicaragua? wanna know why? Susan Sarandon's tits. yeah i dated that broad form Dallas, wanna know who shot her? me. yeah i had a sister who died of leukemia, Jerry Lewis did a telethon for her and pocketed all the money. then Jerry used the loose change for his wheelchair. wheels like that lucky penny at the bottom of your suicide pool. 

Elizabeth Pena: fucking the maid, classic trope. classic patriarchal supremacist trope. yeah i remember my thighs back then, the '80s were my decade, i was hot back then, young and zesty and full of life, hadn't married yet. i hid my drinking, didn't tell anybody, had a lot of demons swirling in my head i talked to no-one about. it's not, as Derrida says, who you marry but what you marry.

Bette Midler: speaking of, my orgasm scene, that was funny. it's not just a release of 10 years without cumming, it was a release of 10 years of my spit down Nick Nolte's throat. my pipes were finally cleared and i never sang a sour note again. never missed the high note from blockage.

Nick Nolte: vegan water.

Rubikon: wow, Little Richard's speech, relevant AS EVER today, more so in these times, it's like he predicted the future. but not really, all he's doing is stating how things have always been past present and future. but that Indian kid tho.

Indian kid: yeah there's no point for my existence in this film. other than for a white man to give me an apple. to make up for it Disney gave me Slumdog Millionaire

Toni Grant, radio psychologist: sounds like a personal problem to me. you're projecting because you know i should have been the star of Videodrome not that sweetheart of a bitch Debbie Harry. put your dog, my other client, on the phone. my voice is so mysterious and hypnotic it causes accidents on the highway.

Rubikon: okay, Nick Nolte is now gonna fuck Tracy Nelson! NOW this is getting interesting! 

Dirg: see? all women fall for sociopaths with pianos! not just lolitas and Timothy Hutton. marriage is just another word for manipulation.

Laertus: yeah but it would have been more interesting if Nick Nolte literally was a familyfucker. if he fucked the ENTIRE family including the son and the father. and it's weird, at first Richard Dreyfuss is the one who's friendly to Nolte. it's sweet, not like two cavemen. Dick eases Nick along blending him into the family unit but then he takes a sharp turn and starts to hate and begrudge Nick for no reason toward the middle.

Richard Dreyfuss: it was the Brooklyn Dodgers talk, that always gets me down that they moved.

Max Whiteman: the name of our Wave band is Blaupunkt. notice i didn't say '80s band cos we're in the '80s now. i didn't say New Wave cos we're living it now, we're in the middle of the wave, everything's happening now...

Statboy Tony Reali: stay in the present, everything is everything.

Eye: when in doubt, when you have no ending, put everyone in the pool and have them flounder. HE TOOK MY BABY!!! hahahahah.

Laertus: that pool scene is actually a very sitcommy ending. CALL 911! this movie created 911, it wasn't popular yet.

Nick Nolte: i didn't want to show my bare butt so much but Mazursky insisted i was no Jill Clayburgh. the cabana was nice but i ain't no boy! you know the ending of this proves i'm a good actor, but ironically i was a better actor lying about my past here than i am IN REAL LIFE as an actor.

Laertus: real life is boring. like peeing in the bushes.

Tracy Nelson: remember i had the eating disorder that was never explored.

Tracy Nelson: i'll never eat again.........until Nick Nolte eats my pussy again.

Eye Luggage: sweet ending, i love the heartwarming scene of all of them the whole family beckoning Nolte and their dog to come back to live with them. all families are blended and crazy. love in the jitty.

Dirg: titty? g'night, folks.

Laertus: i enjoyed myself watching this, been a long time since i just had FUN watching a film. first half craters a bit but it pulls through in the end. strangely, the first half isn't funny, but in the second half the jokes start coming in and it's gut-bustingly HILARIOUS. two writers? husband/wife writing team? the woman penned all the funny jokes.

Gina and Pat have their date, uh playdate, clutching each of their mother's coatarm while under each of their mother's skirt.

Gina: we can talk under here in private.


Gina: shhhhh. is this McDonalds completed?

Pat: half-complete. 

Gina: my older sister says this McDonalds shouldn't be completed. it's perfect as is, as its half-self, it's half tree now. the tree is nourished fed by water flowing underground. the diggers did their work, it's the perfect soil consistency to grow apple pies. sure some of the wood is finished but the other wood is the trunk.

Pat: is your sister New Age and a follower of Madame Pons's mom?

Gina: yeah, how'd you know? my sister brings home wild tales from college not just wild venereal disease. like her roommate who was in this acting class being dragged away by paramedics and the people in the streets leapt from their sidewalks Bjork-style and started filming the roommate with their phones. my sister says that when you see someone on the street start talking about how the trees and the sky are magic, that is someone who is not in their right mind.

Pat: well sure, i mean how can you only NOW see that the trees and the sky are magical?

Gina: okay here comes your test.

Gina turns around and faces her butt to Pat's eyes. she backwards puts out her hand in a cup-shape.

Pat is about to slap that hand but he has second thoughts. he looks at that hand and at that butt. he quickly gets a french fry and places it in her hand.

Gina: you pass. we'll have a second thing together. maybe at Burger King next time, i hear they have a tree burger.