* Outer Limits: sex in a mental institution is the BEST SEX.
* the Outer Limits "Beyond the Veil" episode is the decadent counterbalance i needed to Into Great Silence. a permanent perfect Victorian-stone mental institution on a dark rainy night is the sinful salve necessary to counterweight the scary silence of a permanent monastery.
* Louden Swain: i'm tacky but i tackle. i'm rough around the edges because i use rough language for a 17-year-old. this frogmouth of mine catches flies.........hot flies. not hot fries, i'm trying to lose weight. how am i supposed to walk around with this raging boner i sport all the time?
Linda Fiorentino: size doesn't matter. you know me, i'm from Jersey where there are no size queens. it's not the size of the boner that counts, it's how you use it.
* tarred and feathered: flying the coop!!!
* Louden: the clitoris is an astounding organ. a marvel machine. an organ of wonder. my dad's a lawyer, you better be insured up against my police harassment, bitch. i'm talking to the repo men.
* art: a legal way to make a threat at someone.
* Christopher Eubanks: just wait.........just wait.........i'm gonna be the LeBron James of tennis one day...
* Brook Anderson: startups get my nipples hard. angel-investor money swings my tits. entrepreneurs get me wet. good causes make me scream. no i'm not the vapid blonde-bimbo entertainment reporter, i'm the scientist, man!!! i do the important work!!!
* Gwyneth Paltrow: people will REMEMBER THIS DAY as the most consequential day in American jurisprudence history...
* Gwyneth Paltrow: legal courtrooms are better than slippery slopes...
* The Pope: only Jean-Luc Picard feeds me by hand now, he wheels me out little mini-pizzas with anchovies on a rolling tray...
* Dirg: what are you supposed to do? you see stupid stuff happening LITERALLY BEFORE YOUR EYES and there's nothing you can do about it. what are you supposed to do? you see the trash truck pull up in front of your green trash bin and NOT PICK IT UP. trash still there, not emptied, what are you supposed to do?...
* Lucio: my sister's wedding, my dad's funeral that my mom didn't attend, my first pizza shoppe, these are the things i missed because of blocked spam calls. this is the pitfall of blocking spam calls. you must be circumspect about this sorta thing, it's a zero-sum game...
* bandoneon: Vaporwave Pasqually
* James Comey: i have no association with Comenity Bank...
* charity: you don't have any money for us? we'll take land...
* SlimVirgin: you didn't know whether i was a man or a woman, did you? see you on the other side of Wikipedia...
* wikipedian: not a lawyer. wikipedians are a wonder.
* Adele Dazeem: Ferrero Rocher, Easter is an explosion in your mouth...
John Travolta: up your chocolate egg with a pegleg. up your chocolate bunny with a.........Playboy Bunny, it was the '70s...
* Steven Adams: this is very unfair to me, just cos i'm a big guy doesn't mean i get to be your couch. i can't see the screen, i can't watch the game, 3 people on me is too much.
Lily from AT&T: can i mount you?
Steven Adams: dammit.
Lily: and i haven't even talked about your Maori tats or your New Zealand accent yet.
* Lily from AT&T: "One Shining Moment," i hate that song. i have a good singing voice but i won't sing that song. hey don't cut down the beach-volleyball net cos you thought it was the Final Four basketball net, are you stupid? not cool, not cool-blue like my work-shirt. coconut trees don't naturally grow in this area, the only natural coconuts around here are my tits. hey didn't you leave pro basketball to become a dentist? who the fuck DOES THAT?!!!
* Mayhem: i'm your older bully of a brother and i'm whupping your ass in b-ball in the driveway. i can dunk on you without jumping. i stole your prom date from you.
brother: Jen P? that is SO NOT COOL. no, this isn't funny, she was my soul mate, she was my purpose, she was my path, she was my fated bride and she was supposed to be my baby-mama. we're not playing H-O-R-S-E anymore, imma kill you, i'm gonna kill you even tho you're my brother. spell out M-U-R-D-E-R instead.
Mayhem: when the net breaks off the roof just say the tornado did it and collect your Allstate insurance. Madison Avenue was tasked with coming up with an ad that would appeal to the red-hat crowd, did we succeed? is this doing it for you?
* Jersey Mike's: Danny DeVito, may i present you with this apron.
Danny DeVito: this is for a good cause, but why is this apron so goddamn small? it's munchkin mini, it's so tiny it's smaller than my thumb. i challenge you to a pickup game after this charity bullshit is over.
* Buick Envision quadruple take.
quadruplets: that spin class was brutal.
quadruplets: i didn't have to do it, i just drank water the whole time.
quadruplets: music choice? it needs to be something we can dance to.
quadruplets: Nirvana "Something in the Way," that was the last song they played at my prom.
quadruplets: what's your password?
quadruplets: that's a tight spot.
quadruplets: that's why we're working our vaginal muscles in spin class. oh you mean parallel parking, parallel parking is easy for women.
quadruplets: wait why do we only have ONE boyfriend? that is one lucky bastard.
quadruplets: he doesn't deserve all that love, we're paying the lease.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: does Jacques Pepin deliver on DoorDash?...