Friday, April 28, 2023




* aspic: it's jelly soup. why is this a thing?...

* cherry pitter: ...

* one tiny bunch of tiny champagne grapes: it's not plastic...

* Doryce: sunken gardens? my vagina on Thursday nights...
Gladyce: you got two?

* wife: your CPAP machine was so DIRTY.
husband: i am disgusting.
wife: yeah. but now the only thing DIRTY is our bed.
husband: yeah. your sheets are disgusting.
wife: no i mean when we make love as husband and wife...

* Free Fries Fridays: McDonald's has the right idea, KFC, the french-fry shape is found in nature, in fossil veins and stuff.

* think about May 6, 2023: the Coronation, the Kentucky Derby, Pete Davidson hosting SNL...

* tennis: remember, if you don't shake the chair umpire's hand at the end of the match, you forfeit the match...

* Kate Lyn Sheil: covid killed my career...
Kyle Mooney: at least you still have me...
Kate Lyn Sheil: that's not helping right now...

* Mr. Irrelevant Brock Purdy: it's about knowing your purpose before anyone knows your name...

* Brock Purdy: looking forward FINALLY to that Venture Bros. TV-movie...

* Heidi Gardner's husband: look, let's just get this all out in the open. i know i can't compete with the NFL. honey, you can fuck Travis Kelce but only ONCE.
Heidi hugs her husband.

* Ronald McDonald: if you call a sandwich a sando, you're an asshole.

* Leslie Sbrocco: i am NOT Nina Hartley's sister...

* tennis line judge: fuck you, tennis.........i've switched sides and i'm finally with John McEnroe on this one, fuck you, tennis...

* Jeddah, Saudi Arabia: Jedi, the ancient home of the my father before me...

* Charles Foster Kane: can somebody explain this to me? why do i get delivered to my house magazines i've NEVER ORDERED?!!!...
Orson Welles: big house...

* 17-year-old boy with MINA KIMES, PROM? sign: you gotta shoot your shot in life, you know?
Ferris Bueller: my man.

* Wendy's.
Tyler: bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do...
Willy: you can't sing that song. you can't say whatcha. you didn't watch every single episode of COPS the way i did in the '90s. it was a simpler more innocent time back then...
Tyler: i'm a fan of the reggae, dammit!!!
Tim & Eric: be a ANY of our shows EVER gonna be on adult swim again?...

* Macy's: the ONE MOM you REALLY need to buy a gift for this Mother's Day is your stepmom...

* JPMorgan.
little girl: i'm not a chef, i INVENTED the chef's kiss on TikTok...
engineer: why don't you see those cute cardboard triptychs for a science project display in COLLEGE? would make college science more fun...
Jane Goodall: i love that all of these kids have ME as the photo in their locker.........god DAMN i love the younger generation...

* Straight Talk Wireless.
lime-green comedian: i know i look FREAKY, i look weird and misshapen and something out of a nightmare. i'm drawn by Bill Plympton, you just gotta get used to my Shar Pei facial features and plaid shirt and face sweat...

* Candace Parker: where are you?
Kelsey Plum: i'm at the last Don's Plum...

* husband: sweetie, can you practice that somewhere else?
wife: um, my violin is the only job in this household, i play for the Met, you're unemployed.
husband: hon, can you watch your soap operas somewhere else?
second wife: i have a job, i'm an actress on THIS soap opera, you have no job, your misshapen butt is just on the couch all day leaving a fossil.
husband: i do have a job, i let these carolers squat on our stairs. why is Christmas only one day a year?...

* Pete Davidson: "Breakfast With Peter", that's DEFINITELY gonna be a real skit on my SNL episode in one week...
Pete Davidson: i've never worn eyeglasses nor a tie in my life. i only wear a suit indoors. have i ever worked with the Please Don't Destroy boys before?... 
Spike Lee: hey Peter Davidson, hey Long Snake, YOU are the reason the Knicks won, not me...

* Peter Davdison: go back to the sunny-side-up egg on each side of the shell for the breakfast taco. why not serve breakfast ALL DAY? everyone else serves breakfast all day, it's not that hard...

* State Farm.
Chris Paul: remember when the NBA players wore Bermuda shorts?
Michael Jordan: um, no, it was the other way around, we wore SHORT SHORTS...

* BEHR paint.
wife: don't move ANYTHING. scuff marks on our white walls make us look like a marbled museum in Rome.
husband: let's at least move the refrigerator, it weighs 1 pound, there's only one can of Dr. Pepper Strawberries & Cream in there...
wife: i've actually read this giant 100-pound art history tome of a book...
wife: we don't have coasters, you're gonna have to cover that stain with your thumb for eternity.
husband: no problem, i'm already dead.
wife: PIVOT!!! PIVOT the couch, pivot the sofa...
husband: can i see how tall you are, honey?
wife: but you married me for my butt.
husband: wanna order Domino's pizza?
wife: they only serve tots.

happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: THE BIG SUR MARATHON!!! which means no car will be able to go anywhere, drive anywhere, ALL THE ROADS ARE BLOCKED FOR SEVEN DAYS!!! on top of the usual fucked-up busy traffic i get living next to a freeway, it's compounded by the sea-of-people joggers this weekend. last count was 300 million joggers descending on our little village. i've had joggers wake me up at 6AM banging on my window cos they needed to use my toilet cos they drank too much Gatorade. you HAVE to use DoorDash.........wait, how's that gonna work?...

Wednesday, April 26, 2023



me: it's just hard, you know?
Lindy Lenz: yeah.
me: this person becomes EVERYTHING in your world, you're OBSESSED with them, making sure to text them daily memes to keep them interested, this continues for 2 years every day without missing a day. and then one week happens and you don't hear from them, and then two weeks happen and you don't hear back from them, and then the next week happens and it's just OVER. they never contact you again. 
Lindy: you never existed. she never existed. what was it all for?
me: this is making me feel better. because you understand. please, Lindy Lenz, i beg of you, don't take 3 months off. don't contact me and then contact me 3 months later...
Lindy: where is Jen R now?
me: no idea. her profile is permanently NO USER FOUND. it's ironic cos she was a user. i was a user, too, drugs.

me: the most beautiful thing happened to me on Instagram. i finally got a response from Jenny Baranick to one of my comments. 
Lindy: what'd she say?
me: it wasn't just a flat response. it was a carefully-crafted answer that made me feel warm inside. she said when i was talking about how the Mars Blackmon Air Jordans are the greatest Air Jordans of all time:

Jenny Baranick: wait till you see the new Air Jordan shoes i just ordered.

me: it made me feel like a hearth was growing in my belly. that's the type of response a wife gives to her husband online, you know? it was like i was suddenly privy to her private life.

me: this morning i gave the cat FOUR treats.
Lindy: and?
me: 4 is an unlucky number.
Lindy: yeah don't worry so much about all that stuff, numerology is just another scare-tactic fraud.
crones Doryce and Gladyce: it is?
Lindy: do you really think life can be contained within a set of magic numbers? life is LIFE, you know? life appears ritualistic and symbolic and meaningful but it's all just random...

Popeyes: our biscuits are flaky but not as flaky as Auntie Denise...
Auntie Denise: at least i'm not in a home for the crazy like Auntie Edie...
Gladyce: i wish all crones would get along.
Doryce: Auntie Edie might be my mother...

Doryce: loose meat? me on Thursday nights...
Vijaya: ...
Gladyce: no, this is a hamburger, dear...
Medieval times: tavern sandwich...

depression helmet: or you could just listen to the band Helmet...

naster: a nasty master who fucks you whilst listening to Napster.

Greykid: i don't like carrots in my wet cat food...

8 Billion Angels: now THAT is a STARK CONCEPT...


KQED Fest: will SHE be there? if she is i'm not going. and i'm not cumming.
Carly Severn: ...
Leslie Sbrocco: no. and they're making me wear blouses that don't show my tits anymore...

Leslie Sbrocco: i'm not allowed to be sexy anymore, all i am is PBS's boozehound...

Chipotle: throughput, not a typo, not an error, not a misspelling of throughout on your long curly bill...

Joshua Weissman: i even do CEREAL, y'all...

Joshua Weissman: you see how SEXY that slippery egg yolk sliding down the fingers of my hand into the powdered bowl was?!!!...

Joshua Weissman: glaze your homemade Krispy Kreme donuts and Cinnabons with TONS of white icing.........this looks like...
Doryce: my Thursday nights.........when i get lucky... 

Apple oven: not an oven for rombosse, baked apple, an oven made by Apple...

Eye Luggage: Breakin' and go.
Boogaloo Shrimp: okay we gotta get this out on front street. this is THE ULTIMATE SNOWCLONE!!! right? the sequel to Breakin' is Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo, whenever you want to make fun of a movie's sequel, you say [name of movie] 2: Electric Boogaloo. 

Boogaloo Shrimp: you never realized Electric Boogaloo was named after ME, huh. the sequel AND the dance.

Boogaloo Shrimp: why am i named Shrimp? my mother took one look at my face and...

Lucinda Dickey: why do i look drugged in Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo? i was working to make 2 movies AT THE SAME TIME. that's two sets of lines memorized on different nights. but the exhaustion on my face is more than exhaustion and sweat dripping down, look at my eyes...

Cannon Films: we're more like Chroma films, we have trauma wrapped up in the psyche of our films. this was our last mainstream blockbuster, after this we went bankrupt and straight back into porn.........we did porn BEFORE, too. 

Cannon Films: have you noticed that the air of this movie, the atmosphere of this movie, it all just kinda looks like a porno? because it sorta IS!!! we're the porn company, remember?!!! the bad stilted acting, the cheap sets, the hollowed-out studios, everybody wearing funky clothes indoors, all the beds in corners of dusty flats everywhere...
Dirg: yes.
me: yes. all instantly recognizable as porn to me. i'm an expert.

Cannon Films: yeah after this we did exclusively our fellow porn compatriot Spading Gray's monologues...

Shabba Doo: i mean that's the coolest name ever for a human on Earth, right? that's cooler than Snoop Dogg!!! that's cooler than Scooby-Doo!!!

Shabba Doo: i was married to the best actress The Outer Limits ever had.........Lela fairness my wife started to freak me out when she brought her work home with her, when i woke up to an alien in my bed.........i'm not talking about Eddie Murphy...
Lela Rochon: freak you out or freak you?...


Lucinda Dickey: i'm Dorothy from Kansas IN REAL LIFE. i pulled off the impossible, i have a BIG BUTT but the FIRST THING you notice about me is my Jem hair...
Eye Luggage's eye pupils turn to '80s hearts...

Rubikon: the breakdancing culture in '80s NYC, which subsequently spilled over to the innercity mean streets and empty parks of Los Angeles, was INSTRUMENTAL in changing choreography, music, and the style of art forever. it saved so many lives, gangsters traded in knives for twirls, guns for double-flips.
NHL goalie: standing on your head for standing on your head... 
Rubikon: the scene went from blood to bravado, you solved beefs with words and actions not violence, actions meaning acts of kindness and generosity in the community, good deeds, and dance moves, can we please return to this simplicity and innocence? this era of energy? can we go back to the world of Michael Jackson's "Beat It" music video?
Paul McCartney: in the car.

Turbo: i come from Wilmington, California, it seems like The City of the Future. you see all those tall arches over a superhighway, you think George Jetson is zooming past here on his personal rocket-car. but it's the ghettoiest of the ghetto. you really don't want to be living directly under a freeway overpass.

MacArthur Park: it seems rich, this is where that guru from India with the long name created Transcendental Meditation for all the Hollywood celebrities. but this park hides a dark side, a dark courts and skateboard halfpipes with graffiti on them, and stuff. it's glossy grass on the lawn out front and that big-ass stone fountain but look deeper.........the stone was stolen.........look at that dilapidated bandshell and public toilets made of clay...

Cannon: Bolero was pornographic? nah. it was a naked Bo Derek astride a horse, a damsel in distress on top of a white horse, it was FANTASY as in the GENRE of fantasy, Medieval fantasy, and it's a fantasy because no man will ever achieve Bo Derek in this way.
Bo Derek: Bo Derek? no, No Derek.
Derek Jeter: ...

Kelly Bennett: don't name me after a breakfast cereal. ironically, i work at a greasy spoon where they serve Special K cereal. this is starting off like a porno...
boss: GET BACK TO WORK!!! the eggs Benedicts are getting cold!!!
Kelly's dancer friend Adam: don't call my moves cartoonish, my daddy runs the Inspection Shop, i could close you down on the spot with one call from my mobile phone with an antenna. Health Inspector is important.
boss: health care is important for all?...

Kelly's dancer friend Eve who's a woman this time: you were good, Kells.
Kelly: that's Kellz.
friend: you could be somebody. why do you work at this dead-end dump? 
Kelly: i'm poor. my parents, it's never mentioned, but i think my parents are dead.
friend: you gotta come with me to San Francisco, THAT city is where it's at.
Kelly: really?
Leslie Sbrocco: yep.

Kelly: i coulda been a ballet dancer like Natalie Portman. but of course my teacher is a creep.
Ben Lokey: i am anything but low-key. Kelly, do you know what i want from you?
Kelly: my big butt?
Franco: no, what i want from you is to be the best ballet dancer this cold world has ever seen.........may i trap you in the corner of this ballet bar here and steal a kiss from you? may i have this kiss, mademoiselle? may i kiss you in a sloppy forced way? i'm sorry, Kelly, you are so beautiful and i am a man in an '80s movie so the only way i know how to express love is through rape.
Kelly: that makes you the villain.
Franco: yes.

Ozone: i won't be called Ozone for long.........on this planet...
Ozone: hey everybody, gather around the beach and let's start DANCING!!! boogie-woogie!!! contort your body into weird shapes, damn your bones into jelly!!! the beaches are abandoned, there's so much SPACE here, nobody kitesurfs or boogie-boards, it's too expensive, the shore is a haven for the gangs now. HAVE AT IT, GO CRAZY!!! THERE'S NO POLICE!!!
rival gang: we're the rival gang, can't you tell from our spraypainted leather jackets and leather caps?
Turbo: you like Pink Floyd? that's cool, so do i.
rival gang: we don't fight, we dance. but we still use harsh words calling your mom a whore and a slut, like if we were a real gang.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: excuse me, is there a problem here?
Turbo: thank god you're here, Jean-Claude, teach these punks a lesson. beat their asses in.
Jean-Claude: i can't punch nor kick, i can only DANCE to prove i'm a man.

Jean-Claude Van Damme: we both made our starts in the business with our cameos here, who ended up with the better career?
Ice T: interesting interesting, that's a hard one...

Special K: is it easy to learn to breakdance? i know i'm white but i can learn. i can still do it, right?
Shabba Doo: no, it's a survival lifestyle, not some Beverly Hills fad.
Booglaoo Shrimp: yeah it's easy, just pop this VHS tape into this VCR here in our basement. and you gotta wear a headband.
Special K: i too can be a b-boy?...

All Might to Deku: you too can be a b-boy...

Ozone takes Special K outside again. to a local dried-up waterpark.
Ozone: Kelly, THIS is dancing. do you feel the heat of their rhythms? the beat of their hearts? the PASSION of their dance not their technique. DeBarge is my cousin...
Kelly: hold up what's going on here? is this man crippled? disabled? is he using his crutches to dance and spin around? now i'm seeing that stuff the Olympic male gymnasts do on the pommel horse...
pommel horse: the first pommel horses actually looked like horses...
Ozone: baby, be mine. Kelly, the Paris Olympics.........tell me who wins... 
Kelly: democracy wins.
Ozone: Wikipedia, really? the best you can do is a DRAWING of me, not an actual photo?

Franco with stern face: you hooligans. you ruffians. you street scum. breakdancing is LOW-RENT. you low-class peons. you Freddie Prinze wannabe. 
Tony Orlando: Freddie Prinze and i were more than brothers, we were TWINS.
Ozone: this doesn't make any sense, i could DECK THE FUCK out of this white wimp Franco character and make him whimper all the way home to mommy. i am TWICE AS TALL as he is. this skinny villain poses no threat to me at all...
Kevin Durant: ...
Kevin Durant: Dear Mama. i'm playing Tupac Shakur in the Lifetime movie.
Franco: i do REAL DANCE in a leotard...

agent James Wilcox: don't worry i'm not gonna rape you. i'm just your agent, purely platonic, i do want to fuck you but i realize that's gonna take a LONG TIME to develop. you know, we gotta go through the whole dating thing before the relationship, that will take 4 years. do you wear your leotard even to business meetings?
Kelly: this leotard is the only clothes i own. i want to trust you.........but you look like Joe Piscopo...
Wilcox: perfectly understandable, this face dooms me.  breakdancing? what the fuck is that? look i want you to be Martha Graham.
Kelly: who? why is this the only office in this skyscraper of 30 floors?
Wilcox: yeah it's your classic porn office, you know? an office building in a porno...

at the bodega. a bodega in Los Angeles?
Turbo: OMG Nehi!!! this is my favorite soda. you can have all the Grapette. i also use Nehi on my hair, same name different brand of product.
Ozone: who do you think you are? Gene Kelly?
Turbo: who? i do know what the Oscars are, tho, the Academy Awards are still important in the '80s.  
Ozone: and what praytell do you plan on doing with that broom?
Turbo: create movie magic. Michael Jackson AND Fantasia copied ME, me dancing like a baller on this sidewalk at night!!!
Ice-T: i'm a rap talker in this. a rap talker? my contribution to this film was WACK!!! my rapping here SUCKS, please burn the tape...

Special K: we can't win!!! they got someone called Pop N Taco!!! they got a WOMAN!!! named Lollipop.

Ozone: i quit.
Turbo makes the Charlie Chaplin blowed-up-cheeks face at Ozone, Ozone laughs.
Ozone: okay you got me, bro, i'm into dancing again.

Ozone: i like you, Kelly, do you want to date? why are you always hanging out with your agent?
Kelly: without him we got no gigs. it's IMPOSSIBLE to make money breakdancing, you know this, right?
Ozone: i got a barcode in my name...

Kelly: so i've been to a billion auditions and i've learned one thing about this town, the audition process for a porn and the audition process for Gone with the Wind are the EXACT SAME.
casting director: wearing a blonde wig when the part calls for a blonde woman is a lost art...

fancy Beverly Hills soiree in the afternoon.
Turbo: i've never seen so many fancy hats in my life!!! is this the Kentucky Derby? is that a car or a building?
Ozone: all these old white women dowagers want to FUCK you, you're a trophy to them, they've never seen someone so exotic, use that to your advantage.
Turbo: by getting us on Broadway?
Ozone: no, by putting this roach in Franco's escargot on a Ritz cracker. 

Rubikon: omg this scene is so HISTORICALLY FASCINATING, isn't it? when you see rednecks in '80s movies and see what they have wrought now in 2023 America. back then dumb racist rednecks ready to table-brawl at the drop of a jeans-cap were still a joke, not occupying the highest levels of government. gotta love the Pic N Save long rolls of spooled butcher white paper advertising the meat sales in red ink tho. 

Turbo: can't you see what's going on here?
Kelly: no. does Ozone like me or something?
Turbo: no, he wants to borrow your car.

Ozone: you don't know me. you don't understand the FIRST THING about me. you'll never get my life.
Kelly: then how was i able to find you on this BIG-ASS BEACH?
Ozone: your big butt. your big butt is like a radar.

the trio approach the dance contest at the university hall stage at UCLA i guess?...
Turbo: these tear-away tuxedo pants cost MORE than a regular tuxedo!!!

Ozone: great, the entire panel is old white men.
Special K: to be fair there's one old white woman who's a judge...
head judge: young man i am FASCINATED by your Puerto Rican heritage...

Newcleus hit the silver boombox and their smash hit "Jam On It" comes on the speakers, the trio start breakdancing, not balleting, and the judges are impressed because they all die of heart attacks. THEY WIN!!!
Franco: this competition was RIGGED!!!
Ozone: save it for the election, whitebread. clear out, chump. the vatos have won this day.

mid-credits scene: mine didn't have this...

closing number on the set of Toto's "Rosanna" music video.
Lucinda Dickey: this ain't fair!!! my hair is all spiked and sparkly and filled with glitter and purple and ready to go, this is the PERFECT YEAR in the '80s to do the Jem live-action movie!!! i was supposed to be LIVE-ACTION JEM!!!

Lucinda Dickey: i'm done with dancing. i never was into acting. what do you think of this idea? we strand 50 people on an island and film it all...

Chaka Khan: "Ain't Nobody," my biggest hit. all thanks to the Breakin' music video i did of it. i owe it all to the youngheads. i breakdanced in my youth but then my hair got too big. you've never seen Rufus, right? nobody has any idea what Rufus looks like...

Columbia House: hey kids, were you dancing in the aisles in the theater where you watched the blockbuster film Breakin'? were your parents? grandparents? Vietnam vets? pets? goldfish? is your shoe stuck? well, now YOU TOO can learn to breakdance like the pros!!! for just ONE PENNY you get the VHS cassette tape How To Break and we guarantee you will be Michael Chambers the next night!!! broom and shipping and handling not included. i know this sounds like a VHS tape about a defeated man who checks into a psychiatric hospital but it's not. Al Jarreau's "Boogie Down," Kraftwerk's "Tour de France," Art of Noise's "Beat Box," The Glove's "Tibetan Jam," these are all GREAT SONGS that were NOT INCLUDED on the soundtrack for some reason.........g'night folks...

Monday, April 24, 2023



Thomas Merton: young man, i've been seeing you running 100mph straight for this monastery for 3 hours now. and then i saw you hop the fence. what sort of trouble are you in, boy? where are you coming from?
Justin Fashanu: can i just say this to my fascist brother John, "FUCK YOU, JOHN!!!" who kills themself to seek attention? that makes no sense. that's just dumb. i shoulda gone into fashion. i was hoping to get lost in this forest here, Nottingham Forest, aye? i'm coming from Ellicott City, Maryland.
Thomas: did you see Elliott from E.T. up there making a getaway?
Justin: i'll never get a fair trial cos i'm gay and it's the '90s.
Thomas: I AM GAY.
Justin: you are?
Thomas: no i mean you, say it proud!!! you can't lose yourself in these woods, believe me i've tried. you know i finally recognize you, you're Justin Fashanu the famous footballer. you had a BRILLIANT career.
Justin: had? thanks, mate. no comeback in my future then? i'm washed-up at 30? cut short by the press and media. the British papers were merciless, they called me Faganu.
Thomas: even in London? i'll have Pavlo look into that for you. hey you don't have to do anything rash, hide in here, that's what monasteries are for!!!

Justin scratches for 3 hours at the rash on his arms.
Thomas: think about it is all i'm saying. take a day, a week, a month in a monastery. not a year, that's too long.
Justin: i mean i'm a pioneer, a trailblazer. i was the first one.
Thomas: yeah but the first one always gets crucified.
Justin: i'm the man!!! i created the FIRST INTERNET MEME!!! doesn't that count for something?
Thomas: the destruction of society but it's not your fault. computers are the devil.
Justin: my interviewer was pants. too much pressure, i felt like Freddie Mercury. Ed Sheeran needs to LOSE that court case. i wish my interviewer had been Meghan Markle's interviewer. 

Thomas: whatever you do do NOT go back to London. you do NOT want to end up in a ditch in Shoreditch. at least that's better than ending up on the front-lawn graveyard of a monastery. no large chains.
Justin: it was consensual.
Thomas: do not get work done. on your auto's boot i mean. in a garage. i'll hook you up with my lawyer Howard, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer.
Justin: car hoose? sheep shed?
Thomas: RELAX. don't enter any place that is deserted or a lock-up, except this monastery. don't you want to relax more? what were you doing before all this bother?
Justin: i was taking a relaxing soak at Chariots Roman Spa.
Thomas: now THAT sounds heavenly!!! that's the spirit. did you see Charlton Heston, Jon Voight, and Clint Eastwood there?
Justin: why is being gay illegal?
Thomas: it's stupid, it has to do with religion, it's all fucked up.

Popeyes: not as good as your Auntie Edie's chicken but Auntie Edie is crazy...

Luffy: Haki? i like the Boston Bruins this year...

George Lucas: every movie must have a scene where a man or woman is throwing stuff all over a room in anger and frustration...

me: Kevin Durant is my favorite player.........obviously. skinny brothers unite.

college baseball is like country music...

Mark Borchardt: that American Express Business Platinum commercial about the full-of-himself British director, they talk about a coven. i mean come on, coven? come on. i wish i had THAT CREDIT CARD when i was making MY little moviereel...

George Lucas: appreciate the sad ending. nobody does sad endings anymore...

Darvin Ham: i'm not Tiny Lister...

Kyra Sedgwick: we use bacon grease in the bedroom.
Kevin Bacon: and bacon fat. i'm getting older. all electric. Kyra is my Minturn Minerva, i get all my mint teas from her. all natural from monastery forests.

Outer Limits "Lion's Den": also it's Vision Quest and Chariots of Fire.
Rod Serling: and Teen Wolf.
Kenan Thompson: and The Mighty Ducks.

SLC Punk: punk poseurs are punk phonies, right Holden Caulfield?...

The Outer Limits (1995): there was such a strong sense with this show that the Millennium was really going to be SOMETHING BIG...
Frank Black: ...
Frank Black: our show Millennium was about how every single person in the world was becoming clinically insane in anticipation of the Year 2000...

George Lucas: you won't be remembered by a woman unless you go on a date with her...

George Lucas: that is why you must always pay your Comcast bill in full.........if you don't have computer access you can't find a wife...

Carrie Fisher: Warren Beatty, stop chewing my leg.
Warren Beatty: okay i'll chew your thigh instead.

Do: none of this would have happened if Ti hadn't died early. we'd all still be alive today.
Boc: none of this would have happened if Do had been able to live freely and have sex freely as a gay man in society.
Thomas Merton: i mean i'm into cults, too, but when you start chopping off balls and throwing testicles off a bridge into a river, i'm out.
Odie: Heaven's Gate made me talk...
Garfield: ...
the Ody who looks like Sawyer from Lost: masturbating saved my life. if it wasn't for Madonna's music video for "Secret," i'd just be another suicide statistic.

Frosty the Snowman: plowable?...

Thomas Merton: now that we're talking don't you feel better? don't you feel less tense? less rash? less confined in your head? are you thinking more clearly now? do you feel you have more options?
Justin Fashanu: now that we've talked.
Thomas: so you don't feel the need to FLEE INSTANTLY everywhere anymore? to always be buying a plane ticket?
Justin: yeah mate thanks. 
Thomas: what's your favorite show?
Justin: Chef! with Lenny Henry. 
Thomas: the black Gordon Ramsay.
Justin: no Gordon is the white Gareth Blackstock!!! the first two seasons were The Remains of the Day, the third season was The Martin Lawrence Show...

Thomas: who was it that said the most romantic sport in the world is soccer.?
Pele: me.
Thomas: what are you doing in a monastery?
Pele: i'm everywhere, mate. watch where you point that orange-peeler, mate.
Thomas: sorry.
Pele: i was the one who coined soccer as The Beautiful Game. is this monastery beautiful to you?
Thomas: fuck no. but it does have MILES AND MILES of open fields, you can play soccer here to your heart's content forever!!! we can convert our prayer circle into a dance studio, nobody uses that musty locus-eater-wasp-bitten room, it's just a big eyesore of curly carpet. 
Justin: thanks. i always did feel if i had been something other than a soccer player i could have survived and thrived. if i had joined the breakdancing culture in the '80s in New York City. if i had been a part of a community that UNDERSTOOD me. if i had been a b-boy...

Thomas Merton: i am PROUD to harbor a fugitive, you, for as long as it takes. as long as it takes for you to heal.
Justin: i don't do no Run 4 Recovery.
Thomas Merton pushes the boombox and Newcleus's song "Jam On It" starts vibrating across the hollow wooden slats playing a vibe to stay alive at Vespers through the beat-up loudspeakers in the monastery dancehall.
Justin Fashanu is taken with this music, something deep down stirs within him, he gives the eyelook like Michelangelo's David and starts to Justin starts to get the itch...


Friday, April 21, 2023




* Carrie Fisher: Warren Beatty, stop chewing my leg. hinting at sex does not unleash the Force...
Carrie Fisher: hey how would Star Wars tennis be played?
Jen R: neon balls, neon racquets, neon court, neon cyberbrains. hey do you have any more of those orange tennis balls?
Mardith: i do my best cyberbrain thinking walking an abandoned tennis court at night, it's good for oiling up the ol' cyberbrain at night.
Carrie Fisher: i leave men with purple balls.
Bill Cosby: ...

* Greykid: DINKWADS SUCK!!!

* dark sky festival: the only place hippies can commune nowadays in 2023...

* The Outer Limits "Lion's Den": the thing is, this really IS the final episode of Animorphs. this is the Animorphs series finale if the show had been on Showtime...

* milky cereal: when LL Cool J gets the ladies to love cool James over breakfast with ice cubes in the bowl.

* Willow Creek: the REAL Buffy the Vampire Slayer sequel.

* Pete Davidson hosting Saturday Night Live: a feast for the raccoon eyes, a treat for the senses, a dirty delight.

* Disney music: sounds strangely similar to Super Mario Bros. music...

* California poppy: the Notorious B.I.G. was West Side, wasn't he?
Notorious B.I.G.: superbloom? Don't Doom The Bloom!!! i would have loved to taste the Wendy's Biggie Bag. of course humans aren't sophisticated enough to handle the delicacy of rare flowers. that whole East Coast/West Coast rap rivalry feud was just something made up by the radio stations to boost sales, to sell more records, right?...

* Ansa: a Finnish name that means both "virtue" and "trap"...

* Zales: you too can have a grade-school romance superbloom into marriage!!! you just need one of our Zales Diamonds!!!
Jared: i first saw her in 7th Grade Typing Class. i was so awkward around her, i had butterflies in my stomach.
Joan: no, you had the shakes because you were taking drugs.
Jared: i wrote her many love poems i never sent her.
Joan: because you had to TYPE the love poem, that was the assignment.
Jared: 13 years later, i asked her to be my girl with this one diamond earring.
Joan: and i replied, "Jared, i was ALWAYS your girl."
Jared and Joan hold hands and exclaim: this could only have happened at ST. CYRIL'S!!!
me: why couldn't Katie Newcom and i have been like this?!!!
Lucio: for real.
Katie Newcom: that's Kate.
Katie Newcom: i even gave you my phone number.........but it was a restaurant's phone number...

* Zales: our sales are bussin. Zales Sales.

* Twila Moon: ALL THE FUCKING ICE IS MELTING!!! what will it take for you to save the planet? all the old hippies like me are turning in their tree graves, we all thought we'd be in the Age of Aquarius by now...

* Codrus: The Monk's Kettle, a restaurant that's tucked away for a reason in Marin, it's expensive for a reason. without us monks there would be no beer in the world!!!
Cotard: i tried the romanesco.........fancy broccoli.
me: i want so badly to be in that club for men who rate burgers each month.........but you have to be a dad...

* Harvey Ball, creator of the smiley-face: why do i look so glum, so down? i'm Spock. i'm a Vulcan.

* Will Smith: hold up, the Fresh Prince theme song sounds eerily similar to Young MC's "Bust a Move"...

* Spike Lee: orange-and-blue skies? so Trump is pretending to be a Democrat now to win the 2024 Election?...
the Knicks come out of the tunnel tonight wearing their Orange And Blue Skies jerseys...
jersey: came from Medieval tunics...

* Red Lobster: feeling horny? we'll leave an EXTRA dish of hot butter at the table not for your cajun shrimp but for your bedroom for you and your date later...

* Dairy Queen press conference: HUSTLE, that word was only ever uttered for baseball, nowhere else in society. good job, Craig.........Biggio for taking all those steroids.........shit, wasn't supposed to say that at the press conference.

* Kia.
daughter: detour?
father: ROAD TRIP!!!
father: school's not gonna be easy.
daughter: i know.........but i think you're gonna do great, dad. 
daughter: you know, dad, you didn't need to buy a rawhide backpack and go to a PHYSICAL STRUCTURE of a school, you could have done college online.
father: can i fuck your girlfriend?
daughter: what do you mean?
father: well she is my roommate this semester. i'm definitely going to a frat kegger tonight. i'm gonna smoke pot in my dorm room all semester.

* Druski: this is like Breakin' for basketball...

* Progressive family photo.
Marcia Strassman: this is what you want for your family portrait? by the RV?
wife: imma hot wife, hot enough to be a leading lady but i'm in comedy, like Cecily Strong and Jena Friedman. let's get some shots of me on the bike with the gardener's leaf-blower blowing my hair like this a hair-metal video in the '80s.
Beck: this is what i do now, i'm the leaf-blower. the only cool part is when i wear the leaf-blower like a college backpack. i thought weedeater would be different. don't you wish the leaf-bower could do its job but SILENTLY?...

* Sephora: discover your match. if we can't discover your match use some of the pizza oil on your face from next door at Sbarro's...

* Popeye's: the nugget, a shape that doesn't exist in nature...

* Jorge: Masienda is good, but i should have named my kitchen Masa Mass. we're the new Church after McDonald's. a miniature masa mill on every table instead of chips and salsa. have you seen Pavlo?, my brother is missing...

* Mark Cuban: interestingly i have no Cuban blood at all in me. and yet the Cuban sandwich was named after me...

* T-Mobile: you know how Ted Lasso ends? they lose. Just For Kicks is coming back for Season 2...

* Lexus: Battlestar Galactica is coming back for Season 5...

happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: see that's the thing, i've had lemon-pepper chicken.........wings, but these are lemon-pepper chicken SANDWICHES!!! it's in sandwich form, it's new, it's NOVEL. WingStop. DoorDash was on Family Guy...


Wednesday, April 19, 2023



me: i'm getting out more because of you.
Lindy Lenz: i'm glad.
me: i want to do my taxes because of you.
Lindy: that's the first step.
me: i want to drive, purchase cat litter, go for walks. you know how scary it is to go for a walk?
Lindy: did you get that voice message i sent ya?
me: sure did. YOUR VOICE MESSAGES GIVE ME LIFE. i play them over and over, i wish i could save them onto something, it's like we're having a proper phone-call conversation as boyfriend/girlfriend.
Lindy: let's take things SLOW.
me: i don't have the time to squander, i'm old and could die at any moment. i just wish...
Lindy: yes?
me: why must the voice messages be few and far between? your last voice message was A YEAR AGO!!! why do you disappear for three months after we have a nice chat on Instagram?
Lindy: because life for me is NOT Instagram, not Instagram at all. life is LIFE, you know? actual LIFE.
me: i used to have that, too, in the '80s. now it's a foreign concept to me but i'm relearning.

we stop by an abandoned stage in the Theatre District of Berkeley.
me: this coulda been my dream. but it's been razed not raised. 
Lindy: you did those puppet shows from that French In Action thing?
me: i wish. see that large beam of wood up there? that used to say TONGUE PUNCH.
Lindy: it was a sign? or it was carved in.
me: not even Berkeley would let me carve it. too much money, we're socialists, haven't you heard?
Lindy: just a suggestion from WAY FAR AFIELD but.........maybe lay off the porn? you know? maybe see how life could be without all the porn. life isn't a porno, it's LIFE.
me: i know, and this is why you're good for me. 
Lindy: i gotta take you back to Baltimore with me. i had a theater there, a carved wood horizontal totem beam, it said CHARM CITY. see? like that.

me: hey you wanna go down to where they film Check Please Bay Area? they're starting in with the new episodes FINALLY tomorrow.
Lindy: that idea sounds DUCKY!!! but please treat Leslie Sbrocco with more respect.
me: don't worry, i see her as my mom now.
we get there and Leslie Sbrocco is just about to raise her glass of limoncello START the show.
Leslie: don't roast duck. ducks deserve to get grill marks. okay everybody ready? tonight's guests are Barack Obama, Kathy Hilton, and Margalit Cutler.
Margalit Cutler: ironically i am only able to talk about my vag because i have big tits.

Kathy Hilton: so i couldn't try their artichoke because they weren't in season.
Leslie looks around Kathy Hilton's face, she checks on her face front to back and ear to ear.
Leslie: um, that's what we like to call on this planet FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
Kathy: hey you're just as bad as me.
Leslie: oh no honey, we are VERY DIFFERENT BLONDES. 
Kathy: i mean you feed your kids wine, right? how do you do the show each week, aren't you blasted on a box of wine? aren't you constantly drunk when you're at meetings?
Leslie: being a wine expert doesn't mean i'm automatically a wino. what about YOUR KID? you let your poor kid rot in THAT CAMP!!! scarred her for life.
Kathy Hilton starts crying.
Kathy: low blow. i didn't know about the camp. Paris NEVER TALKS TO ME!!! i am so ashamed. they hurt my kid.
Leslie hugs Kathy.
Leslie: sorry. here, have a spotted glass of chocolate wine, that always makes me feel better. i will never take a bite of food on this show. that made Paris Hilton a strong woman, a more courageous woman, she's now an advocate, when she runs for office she's actually gonna enact CHANGE. they're calling her a reformer.
Kathy: without that camp there'd be no tape.
Leslie: this is the price we all pay for being blonde women.
Kathy: thank you for being a friend. eat these stuffed out-of-season artichokes on camera.

Leslie: so it says here that you're a state senator from Illinois?
Obama: yes. don't let my skinniness fool you, i'm going places.
me: Obama is an inspiration for me. fellow skinny person.
Leslie: so how did you like Dixie Kitchen, Barack?
Obama: a Disneyland of flavors. if you don't want to eat any of the food, have 5 johnnycakes, you will be full.
Amanda Puck: remember me? 
Kathy Hilton: i don't get you. i get being a famous person's wife and all the lifehacks you get free. but you're Wolfgang Puck's SISTER-IN-LAW. in-laws are invisible people.
Obama: the producers didn't want me, they wanted Michelle to be on the show...

Tony Romo in Skechers: i wear tennis shoes to play golf. i only play football with my kids. and by "going to work" i mean carrying a styrofoam cup of coffee with a heat collar...

fart cone: mint chocolate chip? no, it's an area of radius...

anus radius: ...

Ja Morant: i'm replacing Alex Trebek...

Gladyce: dear, the grocery store thing.
Doryce: yeah.
Gladyce: the WWF grocery store brawl, did they buy out the grocery store to conduct this wrestling fight or were those civilians real and reacting real-ly and not actors?
Doryce: i'm loving the muscles on those chaps.
Gladyce: i have a soft spot for a grocery store, it's my only non-Treehouse place i stay in for more than two hours...

The Goldbergs: i mean how rad is that, the show is about the 1980s and it lasted for exactly 10 years.
Laertus's dad: hear hear with my purple heart. i was never in the military.

Odessa A'zion: crazy eyes? yes i look like Paris Jackson. people on the street throw me blankets.

Boc: why can't American Pride mean proud gay Americans?

Eye Luggage: Shampoo (1975) and go.
Billy Crystal: not Soap...
Greykid: no bath for me. i want to be one of those cats who NEVER TAKES A BATH FOR LIFE.

Laertus: i must confess, i always thought it was Richard Gere in this, not Warren Beatty.
Richard Gere: and the winner is.........Moonlight.

Laertus: i don't know why, but after watching 15 minutes of this movie i started to feel REALLY DEPRESSED.
Eye: i know why, babe, it's that NIXON/AGNEW straw hat that girl walking down the street is wearing.
Dirg: oh yeah, Nixon won!!! this is during that time.
Laertus: interestingly this movie was made in real life JUST AFTER Nixon had resigned in disgrace, this is showing the aftermath RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Luffy: what are politics?...

Hal Ashby: i gave you Carrie Fisher, universe. you're welcome. notice how everyone in my movie has no idea about politics, no idea about what's going on in this country at the time, everyone's just decadent and orgy-fucking, that's how the deleterious nefarious harmful politics enters the body politic through the cracks...

Dirg: i mean can we take a moment to admire DAT JULIE CHRISTIE ASS!!! that thing is AS TINY AS CAN BE!!! 
Rubikon: her butt is tighter than a pincushion. or arse i guess. you could bounce dimes off that thing and they would reach Mars. or Venus i guess.
Bill Nye: ...
Bobby Shmurda: ...
Bobby Shmurda: i'm still skinny...

Julie Christie: you know i DESPISED this character, i hated playing her. she was so damn shallow and an airhead bimbo. i only did it as a favor to Warren Beatty whom i was dating at the time.
Warren: oh yeah, i remember that.
Julie: and do you also remember YOU DUMPING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS FILM?!!! yeah that was a PAINFUL SET to be on, we had just broken up and we had to pretend to be lovers. not just lovers, NEW LOVERS!!!
Stevie Nicks: sounds familiar.
Lindsey Buckingham: "Hold Me"?
Stevie: never again. oh that "Gypsy" set was long, painful, and cancerous...

Julie Christie: i was an icon of the Swinging Sixties in London.
Warren: a lot of good that did you.
Julie: what do you mean?
Warren: John Lennon never became Prime Minister.

Warren Beatty: George Roundy, now that's a Bond villain. wait, your last name is Karpf? don't just lay there on the bed like a dead fish.
Lee Grant: i should have been Carol Burnett.

Jill Haynes: Warren come quick!!! an intruder has broken into my home!!!
Warren: it's just your imagination, little woman.
Jill: um, this is 1975.
Warren: oh yeah, forgot. so who's the burglar?
Jill: the robber is Kurt Russell. he came to steal my heart. luckily i have Temptations and Cranberries records in the house.

Jack Warden: haven't you seen me somewhere before? wasn't i in Bewitched?

Warren: how do you nickel-and-dime at a beauty salon?
boss: relax, just do RELAXING. relaxing the hair is the newest thing, it's all the rage!!! white women in this era want to be black, they want to be Civil Rights Movement allies.
Warren: i feel the urge to hum FM-84's "Bend & Break" to the scenes of Earth Girls Are Easy.

beauty-shop customer: want me to sing my anime ballad for you?
Warren: you look familiar.
beauty-shop customer: Cynthia Wood. hey i did this AFTER Van Nuys Blvd.!!!
Warren: please remove your headband or i can't cut your hair.

Warren: i ride my motorcycle through the streets of Beverly Hills to show i am a lone wolf, no one woman can tame me, i will never get settled down into marriage. this Triumph motorcycle will later be used in Vision Quest...
Stephanie Niznik: ...

Warren at the bank for a bank loan.
Warren: want me to stick this blue medicated comb up your butt?
banker: call me bankman. i have nightmares about Barbicide. 
Warren: isn't everyone preapproved?
banker: you need to make more money, try charging for the activator.
me: this bank scene hits cuttingly close to home, too close, it's painful to watch and experience, I WILL NEVER GET A LOAN FROM THE BANK.
Lindy: that's the first step to a real life.

me: i LOVE seeing all of Downtown Los Angeles in the 1970s, it's such a treat!!!
Paul Thomas Anderson: i know, right?
Lucio: omg THAT is my house!!! that's my house in Sherman Oaks!!! the white stucco house Warren enters, Goldie Hawn's house.
me: i know!!! i spent many a joyous sleepover night there with you.
Lucio: playing the latest Nintendo game on a bunk bed.

Warren: can you bankroll me?
Lester: sure why not, you're obviously GAY since you're a hairdresser. that isn't too on the nose, all you artsy-fartsy types like Jack Tripper, right? i feel comfortable leaving both my wife and my girlfriend with you. the one thing i don't trust about you, Warren Beatty, is your HAIR.

Julie Christie: me? best friends with Goldie Hawn? NEVER!!!

Carrie Fisher: so you wanna fuck?
Warren: um, you're 18 in the script and 21 in real life, right?
Carrie Fisher: are you a fag?
Warren: language, young lady. swallow down that crudite, let me see you work that carrot first.

Roger Federer: oh my GOD Carrie Fisher strutting down that brown tennis court in that white tennis outfit, her BIG BUTT, her BIG PUFFY NIPPLES.........THAT BANDANA!!!

Carrie Fisher: you got orange balls?
Warren: excuse me?
Carrie: orange tennis balls, it's the '70s. also in the '70s, everyone has a mistress.
Dirg: you know, they really should have had a scene with Carrie Fisher and Warren Beatty fucking. that would have added SPICE to the proceedings. i mean strictly for the mother/daughter angle.

Carrie: see how i'm squatting on this bed with my legs turnt up showing my vag lines? my barefoot feet on the futon with a pixie look on my face. it's like that Basic Instinct scene.
Warren: that's not how a young lady sits. do you really hate your mother that much that you'd fuck me just to get back at her?
Carrie: yes. in real life, too.
Warren: does it still count if it's a pity fuck?

Julie Christie: oh yes, i forgot about that, there was NO HAIR DOUBLE, that's my actual real hair, i had to really get it CUT for this!!! that's painful for a woman. CLOSE THE DOOR YOU'RE LETTING THE STEAM OUT!!!
Warren: so you want me to style your hair so it goes from looking like a 1970s hooker to a 1960s hooker.
Julie: yes, give me the Twiggy bob!!!

at the Republican Party party. election-night soiree dinner.
Laertus: that giant Nixon poster is making me nauseous. luckily after Nixon resigns this place gets turned into a Don's Plum.
Warren: what are you doing?
Jill: i'm gonna go to a faraway place for five weeks to shoot that Anderson Cooper show where the topic takes the whole hour. this is Johnny Pope.
Johnny Pope: otherwise known as Richard Belzer.

Julie Christie: i want to suck his cock. i've always wanted to say that in a major motion picture release...

Julie Christie: i'm a film actress you see...

FBI/CIA/ATF: everyone, please leave your tables and exit the premises, there's a BOMB in here. it was planted by Richard Nixon himself.

at the posh counterculture party.
Jimi Hendrix: hey man want some bud? you're not a narc, right?
Lester: i feel so out of place here. but i still enjoy sex.
Jimi: you gotta get naked to get the bud. behold, the first use of a strobe light EVER!!! this mansion is what every single steakhouse in America is gonna look like come the 1970s...

Howard Hesseman: if i can be your papa i promise to play The Mamas and the Papas on my radio station.
Michelle Phillips: you're a DJ? that's what all guys say.
Howard: i'm Red Dog, baby. not Clifford. i'm not a creep. i look like the director of this movie.
Michelle: i had the best soprano voice in pop music, i shoulda done opera.
Howard: i hate to break this to you but your KIDS will be better than you in the music department. kids are the future, they're smart, they adapt, just ask my kids in that creepy Outer Limits episode "Music of the Spheres..."

Mardith: i love thinking late at night by walking on a tennis court. i've had the best thoughts come to me on a tennis court at night.
Madame Pons: that was you i bumped into? i was playing tennis at night, we didn't use tennis balls, we hit around over the net one glowing neon magic mushroom...

Warren: oh shit, i didn't know refrigerators had LIGHTS!!!
Takahashi: vigorous unmollified fucking, that's how all sex should be. the best part of this movie is all the red cans of Coca Cola Classic.

Tyzik: and all the TVs...

Goldie Hawn: Golda Meir is my glamma. i weigh as much as this chair, but i was still able to throw it and break the window shattering the glass Body Heat style. 

Jill: what does this golden earring mean?
Warren: it means i'm in a glam band.
Jill: you're not worthy of love.
Warren: i got into the hair business to meet beautiful women. ugly women are bankers. i went to hair school and everything. was it worth it? yes. i had a lot of sex. the repo men towed away my motorcycle. i have no soul.
Jill: a crowning commitment like Goldie Hawn has, now THAT's a marriage!!!

Lester: these are the mafia men who are going to shoot you in your own home and bury your body in your own front lawn.
Warren: good, i need a van, my motorcycle got stolen. i got a gun, too, a hair dryer. and a knife, scissors.
Lester: blow me with the blow dryer. i don't understand women.
Warren: because you treat women like shit.
Lester: maybe Nixon will be better.
Warren: um, no.

George Lucas: chase scene, every movie needs a chase scene...
Steven Spielberg: ...
Paul Thomas Anderson: ...

Warren Beatty: this last scene is ICONIC. i'm the man at the top of the mountain, looking down at the world. and i am ALONE. alone on this hilltop. i see that tiny garage door down below, the van which will become the limousine which will become the stationwagon driving off taking Julie Christie away from me, taking my happiness and my future AWAY. i lost. i cried my eyes out, tears an ocean, as i blubberingly confessed my love to Julie Christie. but she left me looking over an overlook...
Warren: you're the only one who understands me. like Bob Saget's wife.
Julie Christie: you're a lovely man. i get you and you get me.
Warren: let's have a child together. 
Julie: it's.........just.........i.........can' longterm. you don't make enough money to sustain a family. Lester is a pig but he's rich. my weakness is avocados.
Warren: i love that this isn't a happy ending. IT'S A SAD ENDING!!!

Jen R: okay i'm here. there was tennis in this movie so i'm back.
Lindy Lenz: who are you?
Jen R: Jen R, hon. who are you? that's MY worn-out ticket to the Scissor Sisters show you're taking him to!!!
Lindy Lenz: i'm you without the baggage, without the kid.
Jen R with a headtwitch: pleasant. we look alike, we could be sisters.
me: yeah like maybe sisters in a screenplay i'm writing, just think about it.........who are you with?
Jen R: Noah Baumbach.
Lindy: how's Baltimore?
Jen R: better since you left. g'night folks. you thought i would never talk again, huh.
Lindy Lenz: g'night folks. that's a ratty sweater you got on...