Monday, April 30, 2012


1. are you wearing any jewelry? a Prince Philip, it's like a Prince Albert, but, y'know...

2. what are you listening to now? the screams of a man who realizes he will die before fulfilling his creative dreams

3. what is the last piece of entertainment media that you consumed? recommend it? hmmmm, well the last thing i watched that was truly memorable and awesome was a bootleg dvd of the Star Wars Holiday Special that i got from "making a deal" with some shady guy on the internet. man, that Special is special indeed, i won't spoil it for those of you who haven't seen it, but...most want to forget that this exists and erase it from the Star Wars canon proper, but honestly, it's one of the most brilliant exercises i've ever witnessed. the way i look at things, ANY art endeavor is worth it, there is no such thing as an artistic failure, the mere fact that this Special exists is a victory for all time

4. what kind of undergarments are you wearing right now? care to post a photo? other words, pics or it didn't happen: the last time i used the word "undergarments" was the last time i wore pants, circa 1994. i would post a photo of this, but i'm never gonna (knowingly) post a pic of my face or my outer body region, i've got the keep the whole mystery thing up, right? or it all dies on the spot quickly, and my blogging days are over.

5. what is your current mood? as always, deep despair

6. what is the best-looking thing about you today? my typing fingers, my *LONG* wink-wink fingers...long, smooth fingers...

7. fill in the blank: tonight i'm looking forward to ________

eating...get it?

bonus: tell me something good, anything you want to share, just fucking do it: thing is, there is no good in my life, except for this computer. all of my Real Sex Dolls have popped, i'm in a real pickle here...



Saturday, April 28, 2012



we grew up together on the mean streets of a battered zoo, wasn't easy, our caregivers were pieces of shit who were just in it for the money and the furry sex, didn't give two fucks about caring for the cub or the human cub, so we bonded like brothers, fought off our attackers, gave in to our needs a couple of times with a few pecks on the lips, but, y'know, we were cool about it, we recognized the circumstances, those were kinda like prison kisses, didn't mean anything. finally we escaped our dooming surroundings and made it on the outside, me as a local unknown disc jockey in town and Leo as a toy which you plug into a music device or anything video/audio and dance for your masters. it was humiliating for Leo, and i knew the kid was already a surging ball of hate and despair from our childhoods, it was only a matter of time before he popped and the world caught his rampage. i distinctly remember that email he sent me, Leo was hurting bad from all of the painful modifications he had to go through to metal himself up and become this device for kids to play with, it was hours of surgery to fit himself with all the necessary wires and parts, he was Robo-Leo, a stranger, more than the reliable friend i knew back when. he was in a mood in the email, pissing and moaning as usual, but this time, it was more, he said he wanted to hurt me somehow.

"hey, man," my retort, "come on, man, you don't mean that. i'm all you've got."

"i'm sorry, bro," Leo typed back shortly, "i'm telling you sorry now, i ask for your forgiveness in advance, but i feel that i can't control it anymore, they all have to pay for what has happened in my failed life, all the shit i've endured just for money, i feel that even you will get in my way and i'll have to squash..."

"hey!" i interrupted, "enough of this dread talk, man, you are depressing, come on, finish your Taco Bell Locos Taco and get some rest. final procedure tomorrow, hang it there, once the music device company goes public, you'll be raking in the dough, it'll be worth all the surgeries."

"yeah, i guess you're right," Leo finally responded after a long five-minute pause, "i dunno, yeah, whatever...late...oh, and thanks for teaching me how to talk."

the next day it happened, Armageddon, the End of the World, and Leo was at the forefront. before he did it, he made it a point to sleep with my wife. she told me that she had never cummed harder than when Leo fucked her in the ass, not exactly the email you want to wake up to, even the sausage and egg mcmuffin i was munching on didn't help.

Leo's Leo-pocalypse email:

Phoenix, this is it, the manifesto or whatever, yeah i know, it's cliche as shit, but here goes: i couldn't be a toy to the humans anymore, just couldn't do it, my dignity finally compelled me to act, it's one thing when the dad is using me to check on his daughter's bedtime story, that's cute, and i'll admit, being the center of attention at a party with all the babes hanging on me was fulfilling...but the rap, the rap music, no, no, i couldn't, i couldn't be the mouthpiece for Jay Z, Jay Z fucking sucks, i'm here to tell you that Jay Z is shit...and when teenage girls use me to gossip about who's wearing what and if these tight jeans make my ass look big, i want to holler and tell them, YES THEY LOOK BIG, YOU BITCH!!! but instead i hold it all in, hold it all in too much, and you're left with a day like today.

before the execution, Leo chatted with me one last time. it was funny, the whole wife thing was the furthest thing from my mind, it was just two old friends talking again as normal, as usual:

Leo: hey man, you know what to do after it's over, right?

me: i know, i know, i'm to connect a wire from your dead body in the casket to a speaker in the funeral hall just to see if any transmissions from the afterlife come through and into your mechanical mouth.

Leo: yeah, just in case. i don't believe any of that stuff, do you?

me: well...

Leo: i mean, it's all over, an eternal black when you die, right? you close your metal eyes and that's it, it's like you never lived.

me: well, yeah, that's probably true, i guess...

Leo: god, god, I am your god, Phoenix...

me: what?

Leo: oh nothing, never mind...ready? wait, there's just one more thing

me: what...

...and before i could do anything, Leo plugged the wire into my belly button, apparently my belly button had been an electrical outlet all this time without my knowledge. see, i never bathe, so i never had a reason to ever check out my belly button, they must have put that into me there at birth or something, i'm not a vain person, so i never once looked in a mirror. now Leo and i could stay connected, through our bad lives and a bad death, connected forever.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012



click on my father, known around certain silver circles as Ol' Gap Tooth, for #2 in the series

ever feel like screaming? suddenly all of your problems reach a slow boil, and you're ready to burst unearthly and primitive? like, you try to label your condition with a neat word from psychology or nature, but you just can't, all you can muster up is the guttural growl of an animal, you have receded to your most primordial-ooze stage, all you are able to do is shout at the sun, cry at the moon, and yell and holler even after the cows have returned home. well, my dear friends, i have just the link for you. after viewing this link, your Penance shall be 3 Hail Marys, 1 Our Father, and return the altar wine that you stole to the refectory. it's good to twirl about and flip onto the couch like the lead singer here does, but don't take that type of behavior too far, or you'll end up like Tom Cruise jumping on the Oprah couch, and nobody wants to see that.
crazy comes in stages...




Monday, April 23, 2012


by the way, the second pic from up top there is what happened after the top pic, and the last pic at the bottom here is the neighbor who heard everything's, he's just jealous

1. what is your sexual personality?
a) the controller: driving the sex, twisting your partner into a pretzel the way a director would, creating and dominating scene by scene
b) sex slave: you love to be used, you do as you're told or you'll get a spanking.....mmmmm, spanking
c) daredevil: you get off on the risk factor, you can't orgasm unless your life is in danger
d) subdued: sex is there, i guess, you do it if you have to

i used to be subdued, the depression killed all of my motivation for anything, but then i caught onto a daredevil babe who made me do all sorts of illegal things, i developed my illicit skills, SEE TMIT POST BELOW, but there are only so many police blowjobs to get out of a jam that a man can take, so i went back underground to my usual sex slave ways. finally i emerged as the Controller, i am an actor after all, an out-of-work actor who dreams grandly and with delusion of one day becoming The Director Emeritus

2. have you ever sneaked away at a party venue to have sex away from the main party action and main party guests, like in a closet or pool room or pool table? pool table, of course, everyone does that at least once, but i figure why hide it? if i'm banging a beautiful babe, why would i want to sneak? i still have on my sneakers, yes, but i figure let's have all the party guests join in on the action, orgy in the pool room, it can get a little cramped in the pool room, and the fumes in here are not all from the chlorine, but it's a place, it's a place to fuck

3. which would you grant consent to? after all, this is your sex buddy that you're mad crazy for:
a) light bondage, hands and legs tied
b) spanking with light marks, the sexual kind
c) record the two of you having sex for posterity and the Library of Congress
d) having sex in the ol' mirrored room where you can delight at how good-looking we both are at every angle

gotta go with the recording, i love all manner of tapes and dvds and film and recorded materials, lost cassettes of forgotten episodes of tv shows, rare, out-of-print bootlegs and the like, so yeah, our sex tape will one day be memorialized by the Library of Congress and be item #45678 sitting right beside It's A Wonderful Life.

4. do you act out all, some, many, or very few of your sexual fantasies? or do you not act them out, or is it that you don't HAVE any sexual fantasies? depression snuffed out my sexual imagination. i used to dream about doing it on the LOST beach with the sand and the waves and the Smoke Monster and the Polar Bears all watching, but now my damaged mind can only muster up a paltry image like Beth and i fucking the fuck out of each other in a 7-11 bathroom. i used to dream about pouring maple syrup all over my lover's body, but now it's pouring half-drunk root beer 7-11 slurpees on her

5. how important is sex in your life? do you need it desperately every hour in order to function, or are you one of those who wishes it didn't even exist? sex and art make this shithole of a world bearable, so if it didn't exist, why live? however, if i were God, i actually would cancel sex for all humans and instead make them express love just by looking into each others' eyes in a staring contest kind of way. the more you love someone, the more you can stare into their eyes without blinking or flinching. the one-night stands break immediately, the ones celebrating their golden anniversary are STILL staring into each others' eyes, on the street, haven't moved for 50 The Twilight Zone...

bonus: finish the following phrase: sex is __________

i have two answers: sex is the shit. AND sex is why i blog.



Wednesday, April 18, 2012


click on the digital religion cross pic up there to crack open a new series
rough night, but the big day is here, the day she's planned her entire existence around, the day i can't be unsure of anymore for it's upon us, traveling slowly in the hearse, uh, the limousine, to the church or other olden building of forgotten lore, along the cobblestone streets, not a soul in sight except for we two, holding hands lovingly, staring out onto the gray sky, gray like any other day, do i have what it takes? is this a commitment that will last? no one knows, that's the cruel joke of it, time carries on its precise and involuntary pace, each second counts as it did for the ancients, 1-1000 and so forth, i carry two burdens on my shoulders, on the right one is the Maltese Falcon, the stuff that nightmares are made of, on the left is an old devil, flesh and bone, digging his talons into my shoulder flesh, making sure his gray eyes contemplate all of my future actions. can she hang with me? can anybody? it hurts too much to hang around like her savior, but i do need her to save me. going to the chapel, gonna get married, will our fresh faces stay rosy and sure in a year, a month, a 1-1000? to be so open is rare. as deep as the sea, that's what we strive for, as the old organist gets out of the limo, his gray suit betraying his age, his long face and gray beard getting ready, tuning up the instrument, getting ready to play our processional hymn, the wedding dirge:

Monday, April 16, 2012


make all your crimes creative:

1. have you ever picked a lock to gain unauthorized access? i use the key of Love to gain authorized access to my woman's heart...and, uh, her body, when she wants it. authorized, clean, legal, and safe, that's what Love is all about.

2. what did you find when you cracked a rotary-combination safe? my only exposure to rotary-combination locks was when i was in high school. i was a nerd who always got pantsed by Tyler the Quarterback. i thought to myself, "well, if i'm a nerd, i can at least use my smarts to remember my combination...but i never did, Tyler always made me so nervous, i never remembered the fucking combination. fucking Tyler, stop calling me, Tyler, i told you, it's over, i don't want to see you anymore, what we had was special but it's in the past."

3. did you ever find something illicit by making a copy of a key you weren't supposed to have? i knew a guy, a guy who did keys, he helped me gain access to something that is more mysterious than a lady's inner thought thought process, i forgot to feed my cat again yesterday, too many things i have to type all the time, he let me into my apartment, thanks, come here, Kitty *smooches kitty* i'm sorry, baby, i'll feed you, chicken or tuna moist?

4. have you ever stolen a password? explain. i was so mad at her i tried to hack into her emails to see if she was cheating on me...would be what i would type if i were writing the first episode...Pilot Season in Hollywood's coming up soon, folks, wish me luck.

5. are you skilled enough to gain computer data from a site requiring a password you don't know? sure, you simply type HAL and a red light comes on, HAL starts talking to you, HAL's sorry he's caused so many problems in the past, but HAL is willing to make a change in the future and see that the Mission gets completed...

6. do you hear anything interesting when you tap a phone call? other than my parents fucking and moaning loudly, no. *tap me*

7. webcam or nanny cam? results? my only use for a nanny cam would be to get myself a hot nanny...oh, that's not what it's used for? webcams i know the sex potential of, check out the post immediately below this post.

8. infrared camera to photograph someone secretly in the dark? of course, that's sexy as hell, you know how much i adore shadowplay in sex pics, it adds that layer of mystery, of darkness, and without darkness, i am not.

9. learned anything important through deliberate eavesdropping? i learned all of my fallacies, shortcomings, and weaknesses. i don't eavesdrop anymore, deliberate or otherwise. Catwoman, why are you so mean to me?

10. do you know how to hot-wire a car? i don't drive, i blog. i hot-wire my computer out of frustration.

bonus: have you ever been paid for your sexual skills? what skills did you perform? i want to eat today...well, i don't want to, my stomach says i have to, and so my typical outing begins: one appointment in the morning, egg mcmuffin, two at midday, big mac, evening stalkers, mcrib, capper: late-night orgy, fourth meal at taco bell...sleep, blog, die...



Saturday, April 14, 2012




* see, i knew that little black dress would do the trick. thanks, Style Network!

* skull-fucking: it's sexier than it sounds.

* don't judge me just 'cause i have a tramp stamp above my ass...although, yes, i do like it when i slide my ass along your cock, but that's a separate issue.

* i wonder what first attracted them: the tats, their religions, or maybe it was the golden beer in red solo cups.

* when Mom and Dad agreed to pay for video cameras in the dorms, i think they were thinking more along the lines of security...

* see how she unleashes those luscious tits of hers just at the end of the session there, seeing that her man hadn't cummed yet? tits are the final insurance policy. all's well, he came, it's all good and sticky. smart girl!!!


Wednesday, April 11, 2012



click on my final sleeping place to end it all

it's true, though, right? it embarks on your crooked back in childhood, seeps up all into your pores, sticks to you like glue, not rubber, inviting you to dream bigger, knowing it can pull the reigns back at any time, striking at you from behind the neck with a Vulcan death grip just as you're about to escape into adult freedom, permanent harness in place, no signs or warnings




Monday, April 9, 2012


Clay Aiken is looking kinda rough up there...

1. food:
LOVE: peanut-butter spaghetti
HATE: spaghetti with peanut butter
GUILTY SECRET: i eat peanut-butter spaghetti.

2. apparel:
LOVE: wearing a raincoat on a sunny day
HATE: when i have to wear pants...society told me i have to wear pants out
GUILTY SECRET: sometimes...heh heh...i don't wear pants underneath, i'm a commando rebel...shhh, society doesn't know.

3. books:
LOVE: when i read an awesome book which hasn't yet explored a secret idea of mine
HATE: then i read that cool book which HAS explored an idea i had
GUILTY SECRET: i get very gloomy on such days, i tend to not read again for forty days and forty nights...

4. songs:
LOVE: "i love you, you love me..."
HATE: sometimes when an indie rock song tries to be so indie that only one indie person in the crowd "gets it", not the composer, the head of the label, when only the big boss man gets it, the one with all the money, your indie cred vanishes.
GUILTY SECRET: i'd still take the money. i mean, tacos don't grow on trees, except in Narnia.

5. movie:
LOVE: anything with the word STAR in it
HATE: anything political, unless it's a political thriller...hate politics, love to be thrilled
GUILTY SECRET: in the '80s i snuck into a movie theater with Brad to see My Little Pony The Movie without paying, i'm sorry, i'm 'fessing up to this now, i know it was wrong, but, well, Brad was so cool back then...

6. tv show
LOVE: X Files, Star Trek: TNG, ER, vivid, intense, learned dramas like those were
HATE: My Little Pony, the incident with Brad has left a bad taste in my mouth
GUILTY SECRET: ........My Little Pony....sorry......

7. celebrity crush:
LOVE: LeVar Burton, that guy is the MAN, Reading Rainbow AND Star Trek: TNG!!!, i want to wear that same visual device Geordi had on, that hair bow thing, YEAH!
HATE: Lindsay Lohan, but see, is it that i hate HER or that i hate ME because i secretly love her and want to solve all her problems for her?
GUILTY SECRET: Kardashian...Kim...i know, but, y'know, i mean, shit, i wouldn't turn it down, namean?

8. music group
LOVE: NIN, Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, LIVE, Radiohead, basically if they're good, actually GOOD, like the songs have more than one layer to them, lyrics which include big long words, and if a song lasts for 10 minutes, that's also a sure-fire way to determine if it's worthwhile, means it's epic
HATE: can't blame Bieber, but i CAN blame the God who created Bieber: *shaking my fist at air*
GUILTY SECRET: i LOVE Madonna, and i'm proud of that, i don't care what the haters say, Madonna taught me to embrace my Catholic guilt and fuck the shit outta it

9. sports team:
LOVE: the team from Mudville, for there was no joy, i fit in there quite nicely
HATE: Yankees, Lakers, THOSE kind of teams, huh? huh? yeah
GUILTY SECRET: i want to do a Lebron one time and wear a Yankees cap to a Cleveland Indians game. dat dude is crazy, i love him. Burn, baby, burn :P

bonus: sex position/sex act/fetish:
LOVE: vanilla sex
HATE: vanilla sex with coconut sprinkles, hate coconut, love coconut milk, though, in small doses
GUILTY SECRET: vanilla sex with vanilla frosting spread around all the naughty bits, safe word is "vanilla ice cream", can't move until i lick it all up, ahhhhh, my first vanilla-scented gash, smells good, tastes better...



Saturday, April 7, 2012


this sucks. i was gonna show you guys the first mini episode of Skins season 6, a youtube clip did exist of it, i know 'cause i watched it awhile back, but it was taken down and now there doesn't seem to be a way to see it unless you live in the UK. i want to live in the UK someday, but that doesn't help now. well, the best i could do was this behind-the-scenes link talking 'bout goth gash and the rest. if you do ever get a chance to see the actual minisode, you must, your inner being depends on it:


this 'sode had a funny opening scene, with Alo jacking off to a motherly pic and Mini declaring with her usual uncensoredness: "this is reaching serial killer level, Alo." she also commented on how she didn't want to bring Alo along with her and Liv because his spunk almost got in her way.

SEE, that's what i needed, i never had that growing up in high school, where you're a part of a group of six people, preferably three girls and three boys to make the math fair, who all look out for each other, have sex with each other in turns, and protect each other from stupid teachers and clueless parents. now i know that the SKINS world is pure fantasy, it's a place where the teenagers have all the answers, or at least they'd like to think so, and all the adults in this world are hopelessly out-of-date and buffoonish in their takes on modern life for a youth, either that or the parents are too busy fucking loudly (fucking so loudly the kids always have to leave their houses) and completely in their own world to empathize with their children.

i just wonder how i would have turned out if i had been a part of a magical 6-person group like this. as you can imagine, i was pretty much a loner most days. i just wonder if i had had a support system which would have called me out on my bullshit at every turn, comforted me when i needed a sympathy fuck, and truly cared about my blown-out-of-proportion adolescent problems, i might not have become that most dismal of caricatures in modern society: the blog writer.

this 6-person group who defends themselves against all other evil people, who live in their bubble of sex, love, and a united front, this phenomenon has been beautifully displayed in a film called NORMAL ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR, or HAVOC 2. remember the movie HAVOC, all that titillating sex from Anne Hathaway the former prim and proper Princess from the Diaries? yeah, yeah, me, too ;)


smart kids having sex...hey, i wish...that for myself.

so, look back at your high school days. were you ever a part of a group like this, a 3-female/3-male gang of sorts who only had orgies within the group, and helped each other out with their english assignments, where real one-on-one relationships proved difficult both within and without the bubble? how did it ultimately affect you, was it a good or bad experience in the end? if not personally a part, did you at least see this phenomenon going on at your school, did you see a certain group of 6 people always loitering in the halls at the same time?