Laertus: The Last Bookstore...
Dirg: you mean the L.A. Street Bookstore...
Celine: this is where we're filming Before Hank...
Jesse: yeah i injured my back on set reaching for a book on one of those arching bookcases...
Laertus hooks Dirg's nose...
Laertus: it's YOUR fault it's closing!!!
Dirg: hey don't blame me your childhood ruined you. if you didn't learn to monkeybar, i was diverse...
Mardith: wanna quick-thrift?
Madame Pons: doesn't count if it's not with Drew Barrymore...
Roisin Murphy joins the Orchid Girls...
the phoenii speak, but only to each other:
phoenii: at first there's a faint din of cowbell in the countryside...
Codrus: line your tits up like wind chimes...
Laertus to Dirg: if you had a car all this time, you never would have experienced tacos in the rain with me last Thanksgiving...
Codrus: Equinunk? equality? more like Equus camp...
Dirg: why is it that Nina Gordon in the year 2000 already looks like an old woman hag?
Doryce: watch it, buddy, the term is crone...
Gladyce: our Nina was so powerful she was rejected from the Witch Academy for being too powerful at too young an age. she was a babe with the mind of an old hag who had been through a couple divorces...
Conan O'Brien: *falsetto voice* in the year 2000...
Dirg: no wonder Nina sings she "feels so light", she's anorexic...like a Halloween skeleton...
Nina: um, i had a kid. a kid i had to take care of all the time, a kid i had to take care of all this time, that ages a person. a kid named Louise Post..
Gladyce: do you say "bless you" when someone is blowing their nose? we did that back in the Old Country...
Corrie ten Boom becomes an eternal and spiritual leader of the crones and the Orchid Girls by setting up shop under the island, she only takes with her her typewriter briefcase...
Dirg: and boom goes the dynamite…...what that's a good thing...
Liz Lange steps up to the crackling mic in the hedges: i'm joining the Orchid Girls to make them dresses, inspire the girls with my cancer-survivor stories, provide them a bomb shelter at Grey Gardens if things start to get hairy after the Election...
Dirg: ...making a difference...
Liz: ...it's cool to have a new team over there to slap a fresh coat of paint on the place when mansion and the willows start to droop...a fresh coat of grey paint...
Takahashi: i love when the trash trucks come in the middle of the night and leave an eerie glow...
Codrus: why does every woman have 4 kids now?...
Whitney Houston starts singing...
Freddie Oversteegen joins the Orchid Girls...or does she? she joins as a spy...
Rubikon: she should, her name means "transcended"...
Doryce: why can't our kitchen countertop be black? it would make it easier to see clear plastic strips...
Dirg: 2020 Toy Awards? nobody made anything in 2020, nobody constructed anything in 2020...
Laertus: i'd take the Tony Awards in 2020...
Laertus: it's sad how even Teen Kids News has to discuss how divided we all are in this country...
Boc: when i pour the cup of water in the beige golden-sunshine bowl of dried Lipton noodle-soup powder, it's like i'm watering the lawns...
Christopher Reeve climbs out of his grave, shoots out of the dirt and confronts President Bump...
Bump: what are you like Casper The Friendly Ghost?...
Reeve: they call me Reeve the Riveter. no numbnuts i came back from the dead to show you how strong a REAL MAN is...
Doryce: i got my hand stuck deep down in the long red Pringles cylinder trying to get the last chip...
Gladyce: dear i thought you were proficient in the art of the finger in the butthole...
Glennon Doyle joins the Orchid Girls as self-publisher, nun, and chef...sous-chef later...
Ryan Fitzpatrick: it's okay, i'll be okay, i'll manage, i'll get by...…...i'll do some Jim Beam commercials...
Pat: i shouldn't be talking to you.
Ryan: the beard?
Pat: you're studying hard for your Harvard midterms, right? as your competitor that rally beard really scares me...
Gladyce: i have to get out that last little slice of pee out of me before i can go to sleep...
Mardith goes out in a raging blinding snowstorm in a T-shirt and OP shorts...
Laertus's dad: Morning View by Incubus is your generation's Nevermind by Nirvana...
Dirg: a month after 9/11. that album and Mister Rogers helped us heal...
Dirg: DRIVE-IN MOVIES ARE BACK!!!......oh...
Cotard: this year, especially this year, we are losing all sense of time. this year we're really learning that Time does not exist, time is really just The Eternal Moment of Now...
Mardith: nice.
Thiem: i exist. i've set up an appointment with my sports psychologist: Neale deGrasse Donald Walsch...
Avril Lavigne: i mean Chad Kroeger or Deryck Whibley, i had to be with Deryck to make a pop-punk baby. if i had gone with Chad the baby would have ended up in the asylum...
Dirg: Chad is a very popular name in Canada...
Frances McDormand swims to the island of Monte Carlo:
Frances: so i hear you're having a kerfuffle over some billboards?...
Samin Nosrat jons the Orchid Girls as the chef who grows chefs in the community garden...
Samin: no i wasn't inspired by Ratatouille...
Dirg: i don't care if you were inspired by Metroid. listen, ma'am! no, ma'am, i've never said this to a girl. no. look i love more salt but i can't stomach the sugarcoated Marxism...
Eye Luggage: go on, Dirg, be a salt slut...
Madame Pons: i'm troubled by the casino on this island, massive unemployment, people are turning to their john and John Goodman and the slots to make money...
Laertus flicks Dirg wet on the ear.
Laertus: WAY TO GO, NUMBNUTS!!!
Dirg: what?
Laertus: The Strand Bookstore!!? hello? it's all your fault!!!
Laertus bops Dirg on the head.
Laertus: i wanted to work there before i died!!! it's a bookstore…...but it's a library...
if you don't see what you're looking for, ask us!!! i mean mask us!!!...
Sunita Mani: i know how to get out of Dream Corp!!! how to complete the last level! my boyfriend has an arrow, he's a signspinner, he'll point us in the right direction!...
Dirg: love her, exotic curried meat, but bug eyes...
Turin Horse: i only respond to two commands: haunting violins, and "Inertiatic ESP" by The Mars Volta...
Viola Davis closes her eyes and plays the viola over her back...
Boc to Dirg: come on, man! why did you water the lawn courts RIGHT before the gardeners came!? now they have to do their work in boots and scarves!!!
Doryce slaps Dirg upside the head.
Doryce: what's a matter with you!!!
Dirg: it was my first time helping, i can't win...
Michael Weiss in a speedo: Instagram is one big public-access channel's travel bureau...
Miriam Makeba begins videotaping everything...
cat familiars: okay we REALLY hate that Milk-Bone commercial...
Dirg: in a red sweater?...
President Bump: i got 42%. 42% is the meaning of life...
Mardith: remember, do all your shadowwork on the elevenses...11:11 PM and 11:11 AM...
Dirg: British afternoon delight? when the spunk comes out the woman's nose to form a Number 11 on her dripping lips?...
Mardith: urbandictionary is not a tome of gnostic knowledge...
Dirg: starf: to fart in a Starbucks...
Laertus: Kennedy, i had no idea. crestfallen. nostalgia ruined, my dad's VJ crush, he just found out about her, too...
Dirg: damn cursed Kennedys...
Boc: my dress boots aren't red, they're cognac...
Laertus: the NYC voting line...it's straight out of West Side Story...
Frank Thomas: that Frank Thomas commercial is like those old SNL Funhouse cartoons...
Dalai Lama: wasn't me! i didn't give that snow-white scarf to Raniere! that was Burl Ives! suicide-prevention!!!
Allison Mack secretly flies into Berkeley, enters a Fat Slice, orders a pizza slice with olives wearing an olive coat over her head...
Allison: may your brand last forever...
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: Mannequin was a long commercial for Senokot...
Pat: i brought the Smith Island cake for everyone, i figure we islanders have to start getting used to this sort of thing...
Eye is wearing a sealskin coat...
Eye: no, it's faux fur with Seal's big beautiful bald bold black head everywhere as polka-dots. it's cold!!! this is film weather!!! Say Anything... and go...
Dirg: first film title with an ellipsis?...
Laertus: let me say something. why is it called Say Anything? what does that film title even mean? what does this film title have to do with this script? i have no idea.
Eye: should have been called Butt And Brains...
John Hughes: this seems like something i've done...or it was influenced by me for sure...
Laertus: i mean what a debut for Cameron Crowe! he could not have possibly imagined in his wildest dreams that The Boombox Scene would become one of the most popular well-known oft-referenced film scenes OF ALL TIME!!! nobody actually watches this whole movie all the way through, they just know that scene...
Dirg: it's a good song i admit but i always get Peter Gabriel confused with Phil Collins...
Paula Cole: i don't. one is a good lover...…...one gave me a house...
Laertus: my dad admits he had no idea what kickboxing was till this film...
Eye shakes Laertus's dad's hand...
Eye: hello. we have much to discuss you and i...
Dirg: here we go with heartthrob John Cusack, why didn't John ever marry?
John Cusack: society doesn't tell me what to do.
Dirg: sorry, ladies, that means he's gay...
Eye: i want to see John Cusack in a cute kickboxing gi…
Dirg: he should find a nice girl and stop getting mixed up in crazy conspiracy theories...stick to the mixed martial arts...
Eye: okay i'll say it...Ione Skye...DAT ASS THO...this is where she met Anthony Kiedis, RHCP did a song for this movie...
Dirg: still has that weird mouth. Muppet puppet mouth...
Rubikon: Vahlere, Danish for "voters"...
Laertus: John Mahoney was good at being subtle in this, when the reveal comes he doesn't ham it up and twirl his mustache, he's just an honest guy with an innocent face who's guilty and caught, like Bernie Madoff...this is where the plans for Frasier were hatched, John speaking with Bebe Neuwirth behind the scenes...
Dirg: go back to being the goth with glasses, Bebe! no more of those lurid teacher/student scandals...
Dirg: Lili Taylor was Janeane Garofalo before Janeane Garofalo. Bobby Hill and Homer Simpson are in this. i always thought Chynna Phillips was a made-up person. hey there's Moises Arias looking like a mushroom! not sad Cameron Boyce. Philip Baker Hall, not the overdose dude from next week, the guy with the funny face. look it's that guy who looks like that gay werewolf with the beautiful shiny sparkling eyes who was in all those NBC sitcoms in the '80s, in Nurses and such...
Dirg: Lois Chiles is a chili-red-hot mama! i've never seen Joan Cusack on her own doing a movie, she's always with her brother...
Dirg: wow. so this is before wearing a trenchcoat indicated school-shooter or pornhouse masturbator. John Cusack plays the "off" character in the trenchcoat but he's cool, not troubling and a redflag warning...who gets to munch on the cakes of Ione Skye's massive butt...
Dirg: shoulda went with Whitney Houston's "I'm Your Baby Tonight"...otherwise known as the X-Men theme...
Laertus: see i love this time period in music. it's JUST RIGHT ON THE CUSP of grunge breaking but METAL STILL RULES here in Seattle...
Eye: Lili Taylor is a goth without makeup. she tried to kill herself but it's no big deal, that's on-character for her...
Rubikon: everything depends on what note you send...
Dirg: your daughter is great, isn't she? what's the father supposed to say: No?
Dirg: she's a babe who doesn't know she's a babe, yeah that doesn't exist in real life, that's Hollywood magic. GASP!!! you called him basic! you'll never know how prescient you were. we millenials thank you today...
Dirg: daddy, why does the Taxman always come to our door?......no i mean like he ALWAYS shows up at our door in April, the IRS truck is always parked on our front lawn...
Dirg: son, what do you want to be when you grow up?
John: i don't want to be owned. fuck the army, i'm joining QAnon...
Laertus: more like pwned.
Takahashi parked at the drive-in in his Ford Tempo: oh shit! the timing's off. the father wanted to be the one to teach his baby girl the wheel!
Dirg: all this time John was teaching her stick instead cos he wanted that handjob at the end...
Eye: get you a man who looks at glass the way Loyal Lloyd Dobler's Doberman looks at sausage...
Dirg: it would have been more impressive if he had eaten the glass...the way The Amazing Randi used to...dude, you aren't shaking cos it's cold out, you're shaking cos she just fucked you in the back of YOUR car and you have no idea what the fuck you're doing!!! you don't know which bodypart goes where, when to place and when to let it lie slack, which finger the hole goes in!!! Diane Court, Cheers character?
John Mahoney from the grave: Night Court...
Dirg: it's true, once you have sex, you become a different person the rest of your life. hey that's a good way to describe sex: I attacked him...
Dirg: the father wants his daughter to be unattainable...MORE unattainable...like the CEO of facebook...
Eye: credit card declined and his mind starts to recline...
Laertus: oh god, especially dark scene, when he goes to chat up that older woman at Macy's buying luggage and the credit card comes back rejected and he's dejected and he senses that he'll never have a real normal life, he's never gonna get out from under this thing, this lie of lowkey crime, he'll never be happy again with a woman, his face is one of doomed when he's in the bathtub...
Madame Pons: no LUSH soaps yet...
Dirg: there's your problem, you got the Omni Magazine IN THE TRASH!!! didn't you learn from Breakfast Club!!!?
Dirg: everyone has it wrong: Rockin' Romeo doesn't hold up the boombox to prove to his Juliet sleeping and getting the night-shakes by her window that he'll always be there for her, he's reminding her of the sex they had, that's why she spasms. and this is clearly cultural appropriation on the white boy's part...you can't hold up a boombox like that, whitey! more Hollywood whitewash. they would have broken up if she had given him a quill pen with a feather...i know dudes and believe me, he was thinking the pen was gonna be for anal...
Laertus: i forgot how dark the boombox scene is...i mean dark as in there's no light in the scene, you can barely make out the characters...
Dirg: oh girly don't look in the music box! this is too Agatha Christie. you always think Tiny Dancer's gonna pop up out of music boxes but no. miss, would you like to help your government? be a patriot today wear a wire and spy against your own father...
Dirg: she's completely unfair to him in how she treats him but OF COURSE he's gonna take her back!!! LOOK AT HER!!!
Dirg: i mean they were old people so it doesn't really matter, he's right. bunch of Grandpa Simpsons with weird mouths chewing funny. see here's your problem if you're John Mahoney: only when you get to the joint do you start smoking. if you had started smoking BEFORE you got to the can you would have relieved stress released endorphins and avoided county country prison. and least there's plenty of space to walk...
Dirg: this is every father's worst nightmare: he spends his entire life giving his daughter the tools to succeed and she runs off with the school-shooter. this is an unrealistic movie, no way a valedictorian would go with an underachiever, she'd get bored with him more instantly than ramen noodles. valedictorian and salutatorian okay. but you know there's a heavy Lisa Simpson/Nelson Mandela Muntz influence in their dynamic at play here...
John Mahoney: "hey kid, leave the pen, it'll be my digging tool..."
Eye: okay so now time for some fun. what happens AFTER the film ends? and you can't say the plane crashes...
Dirg: the plane becomes a Malaysian missing flight...
Eye: there are only 3 possibilities: A) the plane crashes but Ione Skye gets on top of a dragon at the last minute and flies away to England...
Laertus: gotcha, she looks like Emilia Clarke...
Eye: John shaves his head not to look like Eric Andre or Seal to attract girls but to start up a kickboxing company on the island of Hawaii where they vacation...
Eye: or thirdly: the couple train together and win the mixed doubles at the 2020 Wimbledon...
Kirk Gibson: i mean this isn't funny. when i got issued my chainsaw i thought i was gonna be whisked away to join our boys in Monty Python. instead i had to endure the last scene of Dexter for eternity...…...wait Vin Scully's still alive?...
Laertus: this film is dark. from the first minute to to the last minute this entire film is blanketed in melancholy. there's a sense of dread, doom, amd helplessness pervading the air of this space, pervading the lives of these characters, these characters who are going through the motions, never dreaming of a better tomorrow, an escape, a hearty snack, a break into a hopeful light. i mean the girl expects something to go wrong, that's why she's always bashful and shy and hedging and hemming and hawing and never brags. when her father turns out to be a long-con lifelong criminal she almost takes it in stride...
Dirg: no teenager should have a car......she should have been hemming and sewing...
Eye: blame it on the Seattle rain...g'night, folks...
Pat can't take it anymore. he just wants Galivant to wake up.
he waits till midnight for the phoenii to rustle...
Pat holds up a boombox over his head in complete darkness and turns his knob...
phoenii: good song, mate, but we're more into Billy Idol, dig bruv?...
the phoenii sing with the music and Galivant's eyes slowly warp. the light filters from the exterior column back inside her eyes. she turns back into flesh and cold slimy skin which Pat touches feverishly.
Pat: i couldn't be happier! i'm squeezing you tenderly till you pop! i hated when you smelled like plastic! with the dead eyes. i want back my Yanina with the sparkle eyes. i don't want a Barbie, i want our Barbie Dreamhouse! but not with chlorine in the infinity pool!!!
Galivant: we gotta have a plan, we have much to discuss you and i...
