Friday, October 30, 2020

I NEED A DRINK



notes:

* JACK IS BACK!!!.........no but really how would 24 work now in these times?...

* what's up with twitter these days? i never use it but Jack Dorsey has gone full-monk with that beard. that beard is a glorious display, i'm jealous of that beard. i mean it's like Jack Dorsey really wanted to be a monk but the Square stuff kept falling in his lap. he wanted to lapboard-surf but there are no monasteries near oceans...

i would have cast him to play the lead in Almost Famous......till i found out Billy Crudup is an AMAZING instinctual actor. so Jack'd be third in line after Jerry Cantrell...

* Schitt's Creek is all the rage these days. too bad i can't watch it. why did tv have to become so segmented? why can't we go back to the 3 Channels, i can't Netflix Stream cos my neighbor Mister Rogers is sucking on the plug...

it's time for all of us to acknowledge that Sarah Spain needs to become a proper actress pronto, she wins all the Halloween awards for her performances every year easily. Moira Rose will be anticipating SNL tomorrow with great anticipation...

* Krakatoa had more power and force than Hiroshima. if only there was twitter back then to document it, though i love the smell of old scroll. this proves Squidward is not a hypochondriac... 

* i'm in the first-timers club, tell me, it doesn't count unless it's four ice cubes in the whiskey shotglass, right? three simply will not do...

* i've always wanted to do that: but those sliding countertops only exist in Popeye cartoons now that Coyote Ugly has been canceled...
Nina Gordon: i can't dance on top of bar counters anymore in my music videos...

* i've always wanted to do that: it was my boss on the phone.
boyfriend: but your boss can get a new phone, you can't now that yours is filled with saltwater...
girl: this is the same boss who threatened me for dating an Indian...
girlfriend: your boss called me, too. have you noticed yet? our pier is in the shape of Pac-Man. he wanted to know if you wanted to get in on the ground-floor of his new idea: Pac-Man Go...
girl: that was MY idea!!!... 

* i've always wanted to do that: hit a trucker in a trucker hat with the sound of his own horn from his own 128-wheeler truck...…...this has nothing to do with the election, the fact that the dude looks like Sam Elliott, ot that i wear glasses...

* i've always wanted to do that: ...
waiter: be honest, where did you first see on tv the whole "I'll have one of each from the menu" thing?
girl who looks like Zooey Deschanel from Almost Famous: Lucy, had to be. Lucille Ball. which reminds me, i'll have one of everything from the dessert menu as well...
waiter: one of every chocolate?...

* Make The Girl Dance: yet ANOTHER alternate title for Almost Famous...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: tomorrow is the ONE day out of the year they're serving sandwiches on pretzel bread! the catch is the pretzel is inside Halloween chocolate... 





Wednesday, October 28, 2020

PENN PAT: KEYMASTER



Laertus: The Last Bookstore...

Dirg: you mean the L.A. Street Bookstore...

Celine: this is where we're filming Before Hank...

Jesse: yeah i injured my back on set reaching for a book on one of those arching bookcases...

Laertus hooks Dirg's nose...

Laertus: it's YOUR fault it's closing!!!

Dirg: hey don't blame me your childhood ruined you. if you didn't learn to monkeybar, i was diverse...

Mardith: wanna quick-thrift?

Madame Pons: doesn't count if it's not with Drew Barrymore...

Roisin Murphy joins the Orchid Girls...

the phoenii speak, but only to each other:

phoenii: at first there's a faint din of cowbell in the countryside...

Codrus: line your tits up like wind chimes...

Laertus to Dirg: if you had a car all this time, you never would have experienced tacos in the rain with me last Thanksgiving...

Codrus: Equinunk? equality? more like Equus camp...

Dirg: why is it that Nina Gordon in the year 2000 already looks like an old woman hag?

Doryce: watch it, buddy, the term is crone...

Gladyce: our Nina was so powerful she was rejected from the Witch Academy for being too powerful at too young an age. she was a babe with the mind of an old hag who had been through a couple divorces...

Conan O'Brien: *falsetto voice* in the year 2000...

Dirg: no wonder Nina sings she "feels so light", she's anorexic...like a Halloween skeleton...

Nina: um, i had a kid. a kid i had to take care of all the time, a kid i had to take care of all this time, that ages a person. a kid named Louise Post..

Gladyce: do you say "bless you" when someone is blowing their nose? we did that back in the Old Country...

Corrie ten Boom becomes an eternal and spiritual leader of the crones and the Orchid Girls by setting up shop under the island, she only takes with her her typewriter briefcase...

Dirg: and boom goes the dynamite…...what that's a good thing...

Liz Lange steps up to the crackling mic in the hedges: i'm joining the Orchid Girls to make them dresses, inspire the girls with my cancer-survivor stories, provide them a bomb shelter at Grey Gardens if things start to get hairy after the Election...

Dirg: ...making a difference...

Liz: ...it's cool to have a new team over there to slap a fresh coat of paint on the place when mansion and the willows start to droop...a fresh coat of grey paint...

Takahashi: i love when the trash trucks come in the middle of the night and leave an eerie glow...

Codrus: why does every woman have 4 kids now?...

Whitney Houston starts singing...

Freddie Oversteegen joins the Orchid Girls...or does she? she joins as a spy...

Rubikon: she should, her name means "transcended"...

Doryce: why can't our kitchen countertop be black? it would make it easier to see clear plastic strips...

Dirg: 2020 Toy Awards? nobody made anything in 2020, nobody constructed anything in 2020...

Laertus: i'd take the Tony Awards in 2020...

Laertus: it's sad how even Teen Kids News has to discuss how divided we all are in this country...

Boc: when i pour the cup of water in the beige golden-sunshine bowl of dried Lipton noodle-soup powder, it's like i'm watering the lawns...

Christopher Reeve climbs out of his grave, shoots out of the dirt and confronts President Bump...

Bump: what are you like Casper The Friendly Ghost?...

Reeve: they call me Reeve the Riveter. no numbnuts i came back from the dead to show you how strong a REAL MAN is...

Doryce: i got my hand stuck deep down in the long red Pringles cylinder trying to get the last chip...

Gladyce: dear i thought you were proficient in the art of the finger in the butthole...

Glennon Doyle joins the Orchid Girls as self-publisher, nun, and chef...sous-chef later...

Ryan Fitzpatrick: it's okay, i'll be okay, i'll manage, i'll get by...…...i'll do some Jim Beam commercials...

Pat: i shouldn't be talking to you.

Ryan: the beard?

Pat: you're studying hard for your Harvard midterms, right? as your competitor that rally beard really scares me...

Gladyce: i have to get out that last little slice of pee out of me before i can go to sleep...

Mardith goes out in a raging blinding snowstorm in a T-shirt and OP shorts...

Laertus's dad: Morning View by Incubus is your generation's Nevermind by Nirvana...

Dirg: a month after 9/11. that album and Mister Rogers helped us heal...

Dirg: DRIVE-IN MOVIES ARE BACK!!!......oh...

Cotard: this year, especially this year, we are losing all sense of time. this year we're really learning that Time does not exist, time is really just The Eternal Moment of Now...

Mardith: nice. 

Thiem: i exist. i've set up an appointment with my sports psychologist: Neale deGrasse Donald Walsch... 

Avril Lavigne: i mean Chad Kroeger or Deryck Whibley, i had to be with Deryck to make a pop-punk baby. if i had gone with Chad the baby would have ended up in the asylum...

Dirg: Chad is a very popular name in Canada...

Frances McDormand swims to the island of Monte Carlo:

Frances: so i hear you're having a kerfuffle over some billboards?...

Samin Nosrat jons the Orchid Girls as the chef who grows chefs in the community garden...

Samin: no i wasn't inspired by Ratatouille...

Dirg: i don't care if you were inspired by Metroid. listen, ma'am! no, ma'am, i've never said this to a girl. no. look i love more salt but i can't stomach the sugarcoated Marxism...

Eye Luggage: go on, Dirg, be a salt slut...

Madame Pons: i'm troubled by the casino on this island, massive unemployment, people are turning to their john and John Goodman and the slots to make money...

Laertus flicks Dirg wet on the ear.

Laertus: WAY TO GO, NUMBNUTS!!!

Dirg: what?

Laertus: The Strand Bookstore!!? hello? it's all your fault!!!

Laertus bops Dirg on the head.

Laertus: i wanted to work there before i died!!! it's a bookstore…...but it's a library...

if you don't see what you're looking for, ask us!!! i mean mask us!!!...

Sunita Mani: i know how to get out of Dream Corp!!! how to complete the last level! my boyfriend has an arrow, he's a signspinner, he'll point us in the right direction!...

Dirg: love her, exotic curried meat, but bug eyes...

Turin Horse: i only respond to two commands: haunting violins, and "Inertiatic ESP" by The Mars Volta...

Viola Davis closes her eyes and plays the viola over her back...

Boc to Dirg: come on, man! why did you water the lawn courts RIGHT before the gardeners came!? now they have to do their work in boots and scarves!!!

Doryce slaps Dirg upside the head.

Doryce: what's a matter with you!!! 

Dirg: it was my first time helping, i can't win...

Michael Weiss in a speedo: Instagram is one big public-access channel's travel bureau...

Miriam Makeba begins videotaping everything...

cat familiars: okay we REALLY hate that Milk-Bone commercial...

Dirg: in a red sweater?...

President Bump: i got 42%. 42% is the meaning of life...

Mardith: remember, do all your shadowwork on the elevenses...11:11 PM and 11:11 AM...

Dirg: British afternoon delight? when the spunk comes out the woman's nose to form a Number 11 on her dripping lips?...

Mardith: urbandictionary is not a tome of gnostic knowledge... 

Dirg: starf: to fart in a Starbucks...

Laertus: Kennedy, i had no idea. crestfallen. nostalgia ruined, my dad's VJ crush, he just found out about her, too...

Dirg: damn cursed Kennedys...

Boc: my dress boots aren't red, they're cognac...

Laertus: the NYC voting line...it's straight out of West Side Story...

Frank Thomas: that Frank Thomas commercial is like those old SNL Funhouse cartoons...

Dalai Lama: wasn't me! i didn't give that snow-white scarf to Raniere! that was Burl Ives! suicide-prevention!!!

Allison Mack secretly flies into Berkeley, enters a Fat Slice, orders a pizza slice with olives wearing an olive coat over her head...

Allison: may your brand last forever...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Mannequin was a long commercial for Senokot...

Pat: i brought the Smith Island cake for everyone, i figure we islanders have to start getting used to this sort of thing...

Eye is wearing a sealskin coat...

Eye: no, it's faux fur with Seal's big beautiful bald bold black head everywhere as polka-dots. it's cold!!! this is film weather!!! Say Anything... and go...

Dirg: first film title with an ellipsis?...

Laertus: let me say something. why is it called Say Anything? what does that film title even mean? what does this film title have to do with this script? i have no idea.

Eye: should have been called Butt And Brains...

John Hughes: this seems like something i've done...or it was influenced by me for sure...

Laertus: i mean what a debut for Cameron Crowe! he could not have possibly imagined in his wildest dreams that The Boombox Scene would become one of the most popular well-known oft-referenced film scenes OF ALL TIME!!! nobody actually watches this whole movie all the way through, they just know that scene...

Dirg: it's a good song i admit but i always get Peter Gabriel confused with Phil Collins...

Paula Cole: i don't. one is a good lover...…...one gave me a house...

Laertus: my dad admits he had no idea what kickboxing was till this film...

Eye shakes Laertus's dad's hand...

Eye: hello. we have much to discuss you and i...

Dirg: here we go with heartthrob John Cusack, why didn't John ever marry?

John Cusack: society doesn't tell me what to do.

Dirg: sorry, ladies, that means he's gay...

Eye: i want to see John Cusack in a cute kickboxing gi…

Dirg: he should find a nice girl and stop getting mixed up in crazy conspiracy theories...stick to the mixed martial arts...

Eye: okay i'll say it...Ione Skye...DAT ASS THO...this is where she met Anthony Kiedis, RHCP did a song for this movie...

Dirg: still has that weird mouth. Muppet puppet mouth...

Rubikon: Vahlere, Danish for "voters"...

Laertus: John Mahoney was good at being subtle in this, when the reveal comes he doesn't ham it up and twirl his mustache, he's just an honest guy with an innocent face who's guilty and caught, like Bernie Madoff...this is where the plans for Frasier were hatched, John speaking with Bebe Neuwirth behind the scenes...

Dirg: go back to being the goth with glasses, Bebe! no more of those lurid teacher/student scandals...

Dirg: Lili Taylor was Janeane Garofalo before Janeane Garofalo. Bobby Hill and Homer Simpson are in this. i always thought Chynna Phillips was a made-up person. hey there's Moises Arias looking like a mushroom! not sad Cameron Boyce. Philip Baker Hall, not the overdose dude from next week, the guy with the funny face. look it's that guy who looks like that gay werewolf with the beautiful shiny sparkling eyes who was in all those NBC sitcoms in the '80s, in Nurses and such...

Dirg: Lois Chiles is a chili-red-hot mama! i've never seen Joan Cusack on her own doing a movie, she's always with her brother...

Dirg: wow. so this is before wearing a trenchcoat indicated school-shooter or pornhouse masturbator. John Cusack plays the "off" character in the trenchcoat but he's cool, not troubling and a redflag warning...who gets to munch on the cakes of Ione Skye's massive butt...

Dirg: shoulda went with Whitney Houston's "I'm Your Baby Tonight"...otherwise known as the X-Men theme...

Laertus: see i love this time period in music. it's JUST RIGHT ON THE CUSP of grunge breaking but METAL STILL RULES here in Seattle...

Eye: Lili Taylor is a goth without makeup. she tried to kill herself but it's no big deal, that's on-character for her...

Rubikon: everything depends on what note you send...

Dirg: your daughter is great, isn't she? what's the father supposed to say: No?

Dirg: she's a babe who doesn't know she's a babe, yeah that doesn't exist in real life, that's Hollywood magic. GASP!!! you called him basic! you'll never know how prescient you were. we millenials thank you today...

Dirg: daddy, why does the Taxman always come to our door?......no i mean like he ALWAYS shows up at our door in April, the IRS truck is always parked on our front lawn...

Dirg: son, what do you want to be when you grow up?

John: i don't want to be owned. fuck the army, i'm joining QAnon...

Laertus: more like pwned.

Takahashi parked at the drive-in in his Ford Tempo: oh shit! the timing's off. the father wanted to be the one to teach his baby girl the wheel!

Dirg: all this time John was teaching her stick instead cos he wanted that handjob at the end...

Eye: get you a man who looks at glass the way Loyal Lloyd Dobler's Doberman looks at sausage...

Dirg: it would have been more impressive if he had eaten the glass...the way The Amazing Randi used to...dude, you aren't shaking cos it's cold out, you're shaking cos she just fucked you in the back of YOUR car and you have no idea what the fuck you're doing!!! you don't know which bodypart goes where, when to place and when to let it lie slack, which finger the hole goes in!!! Diane Court, Cheers character? 

John Mahoney from the grave: Night Court...

Dirg: it's true, once you have sex, you become a different person the rest of your life. hey that's a good way to describe sex: I attacked him...

Dirg: the father wants his daughter to be unattainable...MORE unattainable...like the CEO of facebook...

Eye: credit card declined and his mind starts to recline...

Laertus: oh god, especially dark scene, when he goes to chat up that older woman at Macy's buying luggage and the credit card comes back rejected and he's dejected and he senses that he'll never have a real normal life, he's never gonna get out from under this thing, this lie of lowkey crime, he'll never be happy again with a woman, his face is one of doomed when he's in the bathtub...

Madame Pons: no LUSH soaps yet...

Dirg: there's your problem, you got the Omni Magazine IN THE TRASH!!! didn't you learn from Breakfast Club!!!?

Dirg: everyone has it wrong: Rockin' Romeo doesn't hold up the boombox to prove to his Juliet sleeping and getting the night-shakes by her window that he'll always be there for her, he's reminding her of the sex they had, that's why she spasms. and this is clearly cultural appropriation on the white boy's part...you can't hold up a boombox like that, whitey! more Hollywood whitewash. they would have broken up if she had given him a quill pen with a feather...i know dudes and believe me, he was thinking the pen was gonna be for anal...

Laertus: i forgot how dark the boombox scene is...i mean dark as in there's no light in the scene, you can barely make out the characters...

Dirg: oh girly don't look in the music box! this is too Agatha Christie. you always think Tiny Dancer's gonna pop up out of music boxes but no. miss, would you like to help your government? be a patriot today wear a wire and spy against your own father...

Dirg: she's completely unfair to him in how she treats him but OF COURSE he's gonna take her back!!! LOOK AT HER!!!

Dirg: i mean they were old people so it doesn't really matter, he's right. bunch of Grandpa Simpsons with weird mouths chewing funny. see here's your problem if you're John Mahoney: only when you get to the joint do you start smoking. if you had started smoking BEFORE you got to the can you would have relieved stress released endorphins and avoided county country prison. and least there's plenty of space to walk...

Dirg: this is every father's worst nightmare: he spends his entire life giving his daughter the tools to succeed and she runs off with the school-shooter. this is an unrealistic movie, no way a valedictorian would go with an underachiever, she'd get bored with him more instantly than ramen noodles. valedictorian and salutatorian okay. but you know there's a heavy Lisa Simpson/Nelson Mandela Muntz influence in their dynamic at play here...

John Mahoney: "hey kid, leave the pen, it'll be my digging tool..."

Eye: okay so now time for some fun. what happens AFTER the film ends? and you can't say the plane crashes...

Dirg: the plane becomes a Malaysian missing flight...

Eye: there are only 3 possibilities: A) the plane crashes but Ione Skye gets on top of a dragon at the last minute and flies away to England...

Laertus: gotcha, she looks like Emilia Clarke...

Eye: John shaves his head not to look like Eric Andre or Seal to attract girls but to start up a kickboxing company on the island of Hawaii where they vacation...

Eye: or thirdly: the couple train together and win the mixed doubles at the 2020 Wimbledon...

Kirk Gibson: i mean this isn't funny. when i got issued my chainsaw i thought i was gonna be whisked away to join our boys in Monty Python. instead i had to endure the last scene of Dexter for eternity...…...wait Vin Scully's still alive?...

Laertus: this film is dark. from the first minute to to the last minute this entire film is blanketed in melancholy. there's a sense of dread, doom, amd helplessness pervading the air of this space, pervading the lives of these characters, these characters who are going through the motions, never dreaming of a better tomorrow, an escape, a hearty snack, a break into a hopeful light. i mean the girl expects something to go wrong, that's why she's always bashful and shy and hedging and hemming and hawing and never brags. when her father turns out to be a long-con lifelong criminal she almost takes it in stride...

Dirg: no teenager should have a car......she should have been hemming and sewing...

Eye: blame it on the Seattle rain...g'night, folks...

Pat can't take it anymore. he just wants Galivant to wake up.

he waits till midnight for the phoenii to rustle...

Pat holds up a boombox over his head in complete darkness and turns his knob...

phoenii: good song, mate, but we're more into Billy Idol, dig bruv?...

the phoenii sing with the music and Galivant's eyes slowly warp. the light filters from the exterior column back inside her eyes. she turns back into flesh and cold slimy skin which Pat touches feverishly.

Pat: i couldn't be happier! i'm squeezing you tenderly till you pop! i hated when you smelled like plastic! with the dead eyes. i want back my Yanina with the sparkle eyes. i don't want a Barbie, i want our Barbie Dreamhouse! but not with chlorine in the infinity pool!!!

Galivant: we gotta have a plan, we have much to discuss you and i...










Monday, October 26, 2020

TMIT: SOFT PANT





i love home. but i'm tired of home. i want a new home. like in a NYC voting line know what i'm sayin

1. favorite form of adult pajamas: kimono, soft pant, romper, or Winnie-the-Pooh style?

Winnie went bottomless and the Forest didn't care, that's why i love Disney. i learned what a honeypot was from that book. you can only order an adult coloring book from Amazon if you're wearing adult pajamas...

2. what time do you wake up in the morning? wake up? i've never woken up. i'm still in my lucid dream...

3. your favorite chore to do is ___

the S Pattern if you know what i mean...

4. least favorite chore to do is ___. why?

the A Pattern…...cos it hurts my thumbs...

5. tell us about a home-cooked meal you cannot forget:

it was the night of my first Confession. i was nervous. i wore a suit for the first time in my life, with holes where the professorial felt elbow pads should have been. at midnight i turned the key and entered the cave...

all i saw was his white-hot smile like the Cheshire Cat, glowing in the black purple hole. my priest was creepy as fuck, but i wouldn't let him be creepier than me! the session went well i dunno i don't remember a thing i blacked out...well it was already black but...…...

next thing i remember i'm at the McDonald's on Vine. with no headache and a cool breeze filtering through the spacious outdoor-French-café-style patio eat area. i'm the only one who feels that night air, that crisp chill, i'm the only one there and there are no windows.

the priest beckons me to come from behind the counter. he is wearing a McDonald's green visor and the Carol Burnett Show maid outfit. i think it's near Halloween but i forget to check. 

priest: come round back and help me make this. it's your favorite, right?

the priest holds out a vat of chicken soup the way mom used to make: Lipton noodles cooked for 14 minutes on the stove, skinned white potatoes dipped in broth, sour tomato slices.

me: soup at McDonald's?

priest: for your sins your penance is to memorize the ingredients to the Big Mac. you're gonna need them, son, i have seen into your future and it's a bleak one.

me: hey, none of that black-magic sorcery lookin-into-crystal-balls witch shit, man! you're going to Hell, man!

we both have a laugh and hug each other over the counter. we watch the dawn together as we take all the little ketchup packets and squirt them at all the wing mirrors of every car that enters the drivethru till twilight and dusk hit again...

BONUS: is tired the new norm?

no, zoom masturbation is...






Friday, October 23, 2020

OTHER ISLAND LIFE feat. THE SCRIVENER



notes:

* Serano: i took a hard left and ended up here. on THIS island. i thought i was going to England but i was sailing to the LITERAL ENGLAND SHAPE on the map!!!

* Serano: just cos a place has a lighthouse don't mean it's haunted...

* The Scrivener: i'm The Scrivener. the only reason i was able to bag a woman this hot is this obscenely-handlebar mustache i sport on my begging chin.
woman: well it's more like you look like a very-skinny blond Kylo Ren...

* The Scrivener: how can i afford this you ask? how can i live on this island paradise not sullied by the rest of the world's divisions? where the only residential neighborhood is my one house i built from scratch? one road with no intersection? no post office? i'm a famous actor. i was in an Allstate commercial...
woman: the only jeans sold on this island are tight jeans...

* Babe Rainbow: it's not what you think, no foam was involved. it's weird when your band name is named after an album...

* filmed in Nantucket. that tea kettle holds cooking oil. that tiny house that holds the teabags is a fun house. wearing sweaters to honor Mister Rogers predicting 9/11. basset hound honoring Kurt Cobain with the grunge plaid tartan...

* woman: honey did you forget your keys?
Scrivener: the Hello Kitty keys, right? the other keychain is my knucklebone...

* overturned canoe in the front yard hiding terrorists...

* Scrivener: why is that fish more expensive than that fish?
Jewel Kilcher: cos it was caught by a speedboat as opposed to a sailboat, silly.
Scrivener: you mean pirate ship with sails...

* Scrivener: mmmmmm, this brown paper sure smells good...

* LeVar Burton: this bread is still warm...…...which is more than i can say for Reading Rainbow...
Babe Rainbow: hey we tried...

* at the lighthouse:
Willem Dafoe: why are you so serious all the time?
Robert Pattinson: i'm channeling you as i play Batman...

* Mick: thanks, Scrivener. Alice says hi...
Scrivener: so THAT's my wife's name. 
Mick: i fucked Alice.
Scrivener: BUT HOW!!!? this island is so small how could i have not known!!!?
The Scrivener looks down and sees the eggs in his hand have melted...

* Alice: a watched pot never boils...
Scrivener: so what happened?
Alice: me fucking the Eggman was so hot the pot exploded...

* Scrivener: wow! i only pay 11 cents?!
Alice: no that's your income after the divorce attorney gets through with you...
Scrivener: time to build that rollercoaster on this island i always wanted to do been talkin' bout...

* The Scrivener isn't heard from in weeks...
the village elders and islanders get worried...
Russell from State Farm: he had such kind eyes...…...what? we're competitors...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: so i think i know what a torta is but i'm gonna try the torta...





Wednesday, October 21, 2020

PENN PAT: BRAIN BISCUIT



Laertus: Celine and Jesse...…...i've been thinking about them all day, all night, ever since last week, month, year, prebirth hades. haven't stopped thinking about them. these two are the only people persons human beings who matter, their couplehood transcends religion science and the foible of emotion. they are here, holding up the firmament to existence...

Celine: we are real people, not personas. we are over there......in some country...so we are always here...in your mind...

Laertus: you two are my universe.

Jesse: thanks, man. you know it's funny, the diehards and casual fans all wanted us to fuck onscreen, right?...…...and, actually, we don't technically fuck on screen, we get interrupted by life problems before coitus...

Celine: so our next film is a crossover with The Boondocks where we all get together at the barber shop and explore our attitudes to living in the Bump Era...

Dirg: see? this is the problem with projects. this is the problem with reddit. this is what happens when you actually DO decide to collab on Instagram...

Gladyce: wipe the butter off your knife BEFORE you put it in the dishwasher...

Doryce: capital idea! save the butter for the tub...

at The Treehouse, the stringy strands of Mardith's hair mixes with the crushed legs and wings of an unfortunate spider in the tub...

Dirg: Maci Currin...…...jus' sayin'...in bed...

Kaiti Brosh joins the Orchid Girls...

Rubikon: my moms was telling me this: it's weird how the word covid is still not recognized on a word processor after all this time, it's still marked as a misspelled word...

after watching Jim Cantore on The Weather Channel on their tv Dirg rubs heating oil on himself at LUSH...

Whistling Queen joins the Orchid Girls...

Gladyce: it was ironic when we were on vacation. i know, you're thinking to yourself, these old bats have it made in paradise on this island! but there's no Disney Store here. a Starbucks but no Disney Store. we went down to Florida like a couple of good bluehairs not for the earlybird special but for the Goofy hats. and the Winnie the Pooh pants...

Doryce: it's only fair that i can stroll the park bottomless if Winnie and Donald can. 

Gladyce: so i played a mind-game on myself to keep my mind limber. i deliberately bought you the Winnie the Pooh pants with Winnie bottomless on the pants to be---as the kids are these days---wearing something ironically...

Doryce: great, thanks, that reminds me, Halloween and Christmas are canceled this year...

Dirg: culture is canceled...

Doryce at Starbucks chugs an entire bottle of Irish Cream straight no chaser...

Mardith: i'm a 100-pound goth!!! i can't do 100-degrees, I WILT!!!

Dirg: Wilt is better than Jordan, right?

Molly Q gives Dirg a non-sexual dirty look.

Mardith: when it's midnight and it's 80-degrees out, THAT is a crime against nature and humanity...

Laertus: i just want to live in a cold, liberal place...

Dirg: you mean a cold liberal place...

Eye Luggage: but not frigid, dear...

Doryce: go head, make my day, vagrants. you can't rob the Treehouse cos all our cobblestone driveways are littered with crunchy leaves...

Codrus: tell me when you're naked...

Takahashi: in the early mornings i have to compete with the trash truck! i almost crashed my car ramming it into the trash truck getting out of the driveway this morning!!!

Beth Evans after taking over Burger King joins the Orchid Girls...

Gladyce: the bean-curd of the bacon tho! the oil scrapings with a spoon, it's so good!!! the seasalt sea-cucumber snail trail...

Doryce: just watch out for the worm in the drink, dear...

Dr. Vacc: so i'm not looking at the remdesivir dailies anymore...

Mardith: there's one way to avoid being canceled...DON'T JOIN TWITTER!!!

Jack Dorsey: that's what i've been saying!!!

Takahashi: most Starbucks now are inside grocery stores...

Mardith to Pons and the crones: WOW! we're like Sex & The City! shall we go to the dead mall or...?

Eye: *alone in the abandoned mall* why wasn't i invited…?

at the club in the casino, Madame Pons and Mardith are dancing together when Robert Miles's "Children" comes on:

Pons: thank you i don't need the reminder thanks!!! haven't met the right m...magic person yet...

Mardith: magic manic person...

Mardith: *hands in the air* THE IBIZA LIFE, BABY!!!

Run The Jewels: run the train on Jewel Kilcher...

Dirg: Showfields is just the New York City version of Macy's...

Dirg: ...and better than Macy's...and better than dat dude's Heat Gravitational Field of the Space Universe...

Mardith: shall we anon to Cafe du Monde or The Saint club in Manhattan?...

Madonna: The Saint. obviously. i'm a saint. that's where i got it all from...

Orchid Girls: PLEASE JOIN THE ORCHID GIRLS, MISS MADONNA!!!

crones: AND THE CRONES BACK AT THE OLD COUNTRY!!! YOU RELATE TO BOTH GROUPS!!!

Gladyce: oh i feel for anyone who has to do their monthly grocery shopping on the weekends...

Doryce: my psoriasis shampoo is like dumping a tub of gnat-filled gasoline on my head...

Mick Fleetwood: put that stuff in me beard...

Stevie Nicks: i was the original Cassie from Skins!!! the original Celine! if i didn't get an abortion and had Don Henley Jr., Fleetwood Mac never would have happened!!! but i just couldn't bear and bring to term a baby named Don Jr...

Mick: ironically, you fooled around with all the birds! i thought YOU were the bird! all The Eagles!!!

Stevie: bird is the sung word...

Dirg: why do Google videos of various fast-food joints around the U.S. all look like surveillance videos from Iran and China...?

Sian Massey-Ellis joins the Orchid Girls as their referee/negotiator...

Dirg: so what, you couldn't make it as a real footballer?...…...i mean on the women's team...wanna party?...

Doryce: Café Du Monde, remember how we learned French from that one bright boy in the powder-blue scratchy fuzzy '80s Yale sweater?

Gladyce: that was all you, honey, i remember when this place was the Morning Call Coffee Stand...

Dennis Miller: can you believe i used to be on SNL?...

Boc: when i opened the hose this morning, dust came out. my shoebox is now just a box of mud...

Doryce: Tootsie's Cabaret, that's where they give out the chocolate buttholes, right?...

Cotard: why does everyone have a podcast now?

Codrus: they're cheap...

Dirg: that Always commercial maxipad gilf grandma tho!!! DAT ASS!!!

Will Laren joins the Orchid Girls...

Mardith: i'm doing my pelvic floors in my new studio...

Pons: you mean your new catio...

cat familiars: that's just our apartment...

Takahashi arriving on the island in his new Javelin car: amazing animations being used on Monday Night Football...

Dirg: a lesbian can still be sexy...

Mardith to Dirg at the photography studio at the mall: i'm so glad i got to shoot you......with my camera that is...

Pons: that was MY camera...yuck! wipe the lens!

Gladyce: oh come on, Doryce! you got bananas at The Store, you expressly bought bananas, for the sole purpose of displaying them for an Instagram Instastory DM video with the music that "Bananas" song...

Dirg: Ted Owen…now what are you gonna do, Takahashi? you were limbering up your limbs getting ready for the Tokyo Olympics next year...your button-mashing finger anyway...Tanuki Mario cries teardrop as big as Tanuki Mario...

Jacqueline Scislowski: they wanted me to be another airhead cheerleader on Power Rangers. NO FUCKING WAY!!! if i'm gonna be a cheerleader it's gonna be on my own terms!!!

Dirg: didn't you go to cheer camp before this whole acting gig thing? let's see if my girl can ACTUALLY ACT. you're in a serious Lifetime Movie. Lifetime Movies, the crucible of all actors, some can't cut it, come drop like cis flies...

Jacqueline: not your girl...

Rubikon at the pharmacy: there's Melatonin in a bottle!!!? are you fucking kidding me!!!?

Dirg: why reveal the Publisher's Clearing House grand winner on Halloween Day? people will think it's a dark prank...

at Clinton Hill Mission Hill in Brooklyn, Hilary is painting her toenails waiting for the returns to come in...

Hilary: i've already died on this hill. can we get Michelle to run already?...

Takahashi crashes into a byobu shoti screen:

Takahashi: whenever i go to a McDonald's now it's always accepting applications... 

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Mannequin, let's just get this over with. yes, it's Her before Her...

Dirg: i don't know what's creepier, a naked lady mannequin or a disembodied hot-lady voice...

Laertus: so this is a bad film. but it's one of those charmingly bad films, a GREAT bad film. it's big with the V A P O R W A V E set...

Eye: Ebert couldn't wait to get out of the theater. Siskel just wanted another John Hughes Chicago film...…...or another similar like it next week...

Dirg: Edfu? that's Mary Tyler Moore's boss who was always trying to sneak a peek...

Dirg: WOW! this came AFTER Pretty In Pink???! i thought things were supposed to go the other way! 

Laertus: in fairness, nobody reads the Pygmalion myth in school anymore cos everyone thinks George Bernard Shaw was an asshole... 

Dirg: i know Andrew McCarthy's a hunk and next-in-line to play Bond James Bond but when do we determine that this guy's a psychopath. how many naked-mannequin bodyparts does he need to play with?

Melbourne: hey. look at me. i'm a success. i drive a luxury roadster car. and my luxury wife gives roadhead... 

Eye: hey. this is a sweet little fantasy. and this really is a fantasy. a true fantasy. not like a Medieval fantasy with dragons and wizards and lakes and sex in open fields.

Dirg: and Conan...   

Eye: a pure fantasy. like, magic is involved but absolutely no science fiction...

Laertus: though there are Egyptian pharaohs. cow dung was more vital to the development of civilization than beer...

Dirg: Switcher? that should have been Meshach Taylor's name! 

cat familiars: Hesire? Cheshire? yeah we knew those kool jazz cats back in the day...

Mardith: this is where the zodiac leads you...

Pons: my TV GUIDE horoscope always talks about taking advantage of people, taking good reliable friends for granted, and money stuff, but never love stuff...

Dirg: Philadelphia. THIS is where the election will be won......in 1987...

Dirg: Kim Cattrall. she was peaking in the '80s, she was in everything. if only she could see in the future and realize Sex & The City would just tarnish her reputation, it was trash tv pure and simple. if only she could have left the business in the '80s on top and lived the rest of her days with her brother in Hawaii...

Dirg: Estelle Getty, now you know she was taking this seriously. she wasn't the daughter of a rich newspaperman. this was only Year 2 of Golden Girls and the show got off to a shaky start, the producers thought NO WAY a show about old fogies would appeal to young people. Estelle genuinely thought the show would be canned so she was looking to her future...

Laertus: James Spader tho. i mean what is he thinking doing this? take the check and get the hell out of the theater. and into some more experimental film in the future...

Dirg: what the hell happened to Carole Davis!!!? what could have been! game shows? anything?! or is she one of those chocolate inheritresses?

Laertus: it's still okay at this time to call gay men fairies...

Dirg: ...and white cops from Ohio racist supremacists... 

Laertus: the cop is like Rambo...cos Rambo is a very profitable film currently...

Eye: i like the message of this film: art. art. creativity. passion. art will always trump business and money...

Dirg: i mean i wouldn't mind waking up one morning naked on the shiny glass floor of a department store. having slept on real fur. in fact i have that fantasy each night. this rips off the Back To The Future clock in the clocktower...

Gladyce to Doryce: not Macy's btw. i'm still eyeing that Ninja Foodi for Christmas!!!...

Doryce: i like the Ninja Foodi. it's big and black...

Laertus: ah it's so warm and nostalgic to see this. this was back when window displays at the front of stores really mattered to sell merch.

Thiem: and tennis players still wore OP shorts and wristbands on their foreheads...

Dirg: this is exactly the Howard The Duck rain scene! all mannequins look the same. you can't be a loser if you have a motorcycle tho, right? one of those cool Prince Minneapolis motorcycles. watch out dude, Kim Cattrall isn't just a cougar, she's a gilf!!! she OOOOOOOLLLLLDDDDD. and only he can see her alive like she's Stewie Griffin or something.

Dirg: MONTAGE!!! '80s MONTAGE!!! dance to all the music and steps and costumes of the last century!!! and the Back To The Future electric guitar! and the Fatal Attraction elevator!!!

Dirg: anybody else? the fucking scene---well the implied sex anyway---it reminded me of the giant-glass-encased-cylinder-that-looks-like-a-cucumber sex scene from Barbarella...

Laertus: Dirg...come on...you forgot to mention...all this predicts the millennial incel sex-doll boom we're experiencing now...

Dirg: we've got incriminating photos...taken by Jimmy Olsen. and suddenly this becomes the Terminator conveyor belt. you can't go in there! okay but only if you don't punch the CEO. I'M NOT CRAZY!!! IT'S ON THE TAPE!!! IT'S ON THE TAPE!!!

Laertus: the sex lies and videotape!!!

Eye: Estelle Getty wouldn't have looked at the sex tape...…...but Sophia Petrillo would have...

Eye: Jonathan Switcher was an artist. he was too good for this world. his work on green hedges wasn't appreciated, he went on later to become Edward Scissorhands. biscuit brain. i don't get that insult. biscuits are good! they're fluffy!

Dirg: and flaky! Career Opportunities borrows heavily from this, the setting especially, but Career Opportunities is a better movie. g'night folks...

Laertus: just think, only lucky-7 years later do we get a real boardroom scene in Hudsucker Proxy...

Stevie Nicks: if it wasn't for this movie, the Starship megahit song "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" never would have happened, what a loss that would have been for the world. you always have to think about it that way. g'night, folks.

Pat lays down the lifeless still body of the mannequin Galivant onto the power-blue night court. the night tennis court. he removes the center net and spools it in a roll like a hose, carefully placing each stopsign-shaped hole in the net on its axis.

Pat begins to cry, but he hears a disembodied female voice...

Galivant: it's me, Pat. i'll never leave you no matter what. even if i can't move...

Pat: am i going crazy wth grief?

Galivant: no it's really me. this was a lesson sent down from Ancient Egypt or some foreign place to teach you a lesson, to learn to appreciate me more. you don't know what it's like till it's gone...

Pat: that's it!

Galivant: you feel it now, right? what it's like to lose everything. you can never take your tennis, life, career maps, and loves for granted.   

Pat: how do i get you back? 

Galivant: make love to me. 

Pat licks Galivant's bare mannequin vagina...

Galivant: no not like that, that's creepy. make love spiritually. in the mind. not my beaver, another kind of beaver must spread. the beaver of imagination.

Pat: i've got it. but i'm still sad.

for the first time Pat can see the phoenii in the distance, on a hill in the night sky. it's so quiet on that hill despite the club casino boat below. Pat can hear the animals breathing, they curtly cut the night air ever so gently not making a peep. he can sense the shadows of their long giraffe necks swooping in every hour to collect the dark grass below. their giant wings congregate and tuck inside the box of their sides. their massive beaks cut a crescent into the blue moon.

Pat: that's why people and the townsfolk and local island villagers all claim they never see the phoenii. they're there, they're just not moving. their silhouettes swaying in the black. water makes them light up. but what makes them sing?...