Monday, November 29, 2021



1. with whom would you love to sing a duet? Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett but i'm gonna wait till they both turn 200

2. have you ever cried over a pet? which?

Artax *cries*. oh yes, i've cried over ALL my pets. i've had many occasions to unfortunately. there was Toto and Lady my poodles who had a litter while i was at Indio summer-renting a silver shack in the California '80s. then of course there was Sandy my black lab, he never died but i had to give him up to a farm in the Hollywood Hills for him to stretch his legs and run cos my space was too small for him, he was so big he was like that green guppy that grows so big he can't be contained in the NYC apartment bathtub and must be moved to the indoor YMCA pool. before Clifford.

and there was a hamster that i swear i remember i had but my parents don't. i have the wheel on my necklace. i've cried so much over my bed i'm an Ingmar Bergman character at this point. but an amazing thing happened on the way to the Forum in L.A., i had a dream where i saw me on the bed and all my pets crying over me. i opened my eyes and i was floating on a rainbow cloud, i turned my lips to slurp it and it tasted like Skittles.

3. do you think your personality needs polishing? 

yes. why aren't i President? why haven't i won an Oscar yet? why am i just in my monastery cell all the time blogging? all i want to do is fuck. all i want to do is fuck everyone in the world. and then after treat them to a game of Kung Fu Master on my Nintendo. or if they're all out of the old game at Fedco, we travel to Hong Kong to see Invader's street art of it sprawled across a wall in the Blade Runner District of a subterranean scape. that Thomas's engine never goes cold.

if i fucked Angela Lansbury from Beauty and the Beast i'd be sure to keep polished.

4. what is the worst injury you've ever had? broke my arm in 3rd Grade when i fell off my bike trying to do wheelies to impress the local Shaggy drummer teen who lived in his garage, opposite neighbor. ironically i'm still not in a band which is my only dream. my mom said i was brave but really i was in shock, i called the local fireman to come with a cast.

and then there's my adult stuff. i'm currently right now in a quaint English countryside city the same one where Mary Poppins lives and all the roofs are purple cobblestone. i'm in my therapy session with a real doctor, Doogie Howser. and my priest is there:

doctor and priest: Phoenix, we don't use the word crazy in here. but we have both concluded that your brain broke...
me: it is true that The Matrix was the last movie i watched in a theatre before my nervous breakdown, is there any correlation there?...

5. if you had a clone, what part of your life or tasks would you have it do on your behalf?

i'd get my clone to get me into a meeting with Brent Spiner in a closed room so i could get his autograph. and Matt Frewer's autograph, Matt Frewer is at the same table in his pilly blue cottony robe. this is of course back in the '90s when Star Trek was still good and relevant. i forget when people ask me who my favorite actor is, but now i remember: Brent Spiner, Matt Frewer, Willem Dafoe. and maybe Jack Nicholson, that's it, that's the list.

i want Brent Spiner to do the voice.........not the Data android voice, his actual real voice, i have no idea what he actually sounds like so when i hear his real voice it'll be so jarring it'll break my brain back to normal.

speaking of robots also it'd be nice if Rosey the Robot from the Jetsons finally becomes the Rosie the Riveter of the next century and gets herself on that poster

BONUS: gifting supermarket flowers---good or bad?

only if they come from four stores: Safeway, Lucky California, Costco, Goodwill

Friday, November 26, 2021




* Vegas wasn't cool until Zack and Kelly came to town

* at the beauty salon next to Hollywoodland Hotel, Mark Hapka leans back on a blue-toweled metal chair getting a pedicure as the guilty verdict is read live on tv in front of him.
Mark Hapka: i'm clapping my hands and my toes.
Mark looks at the clock, it's 11:11

* Michael Weiss: i'm changing my name to Grimoire.

* crones: it's just sad that as we near death the only thing we do is go on Instagram...

* Stephen A Smith: i got the same tiny-hallway overhead light as Laertus's dad and Phoenix.

* at the Hollywoodland Hotel basement where the auditions take place
chemistry read: nothing to do with high school. but of course also an independent short film shot in San Francisco.

* Madame Pons: tons and tons of soaps that look like medium-sized three-antlered deer available now at LUSH. also at LUSH: Goryeo cake carved into little pink balls of soap. 

* Dirg: why does my Old Spice Wolf smell like apricots?

Gladyce: it's just regular ketchup, dear.
Doryce: aw, that sucks, i missed Halloween this year.

* Nicole de Boer: why is it that i'm always the one that replaces the original lead female on a series. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Catwalk...

* Doryce: my whole body smells like poo, like there's poo hovering around my whole aura.

* Taco Bell subway cosplay
Kylo Ren: finally i get to show my geeky side, SNL didn't count.
Kenton Chen: i'm actually a long-haired guy, they're trying to make me the girl in this, which is ironic my whole life.

* Mardith: that's me as the girl with purple hair!!!!! memory i'm remembering of my nostalgic childhood...
Backstreet Boys: look, don't blame us for the collapse of grunge, we asked Kurt to harmonize with us.

* Amazon kindness
Phoenix: i can't do this, it's bringing up too many college lecture memories, that whiteboard that flips over is like my Nam.
girl: i have so much anxiety.
elderly woman: it's not the pandemic, you just need to get off Instagram. also our spiral staircase doesn't help. here's a birdfeeder.
girl: thank you, i'm gonna quit college and fly away.
woman: how about we take a semester off to read all of Maya Angelou's memory books.

* Billy Corgan: i need that Target bag!!! it's so Aeroplane Flies High box!!!

* T Mobile Holiday Bundle
Phoenix: that's Amy Schumer.........right?
Bayne Gibby: no it's me, i get that all the time.

* Verizon Christmas tree photo
woman: you want me in the holiday photo? but i'm not part of the family. and i'm fat.
Kate McKinnon: hey girl it's okay, this is me you're talking to, come on over!

* "Memories" by The Flamingos
old man: Siri, play Poison.........not the rock band, the R&B song.
Belita Edwards: i'm Christel Khalil's mom.
Jack Tripper: am i John Waters's son?

* courthouse
Paul Scheer: remember this set from Kentucky Fried Movie? my wife plays the mom in a movie about the '80s that came straight out of Phoenix's mind.

* Saving Simon
 - no icicles, flagpole tongues, or Wild Rumpuses, Rumpii, were harmed in the filming of this commercial
 - all human sweat is melting
 - i root for this family, they have a Pizza Hut tiffany lamp and their frozen boxes say Taco Tuesday.
 girl: fuck the Coke cans, put the snowman in the cooler!
 - wait the BROTHER was the one who knocked over the snowmen? it wasn't a bully? this family is messed up.
girl: fuck humans, i waited for the pandemic to end to spend time with my SNOWMAN!

* Marley, meet Mother Nature from SNL, go on a combo horse-and-carriage-and-car trip through Central Park.

* Matt Damon: fortune favors the bold. except when it comes to barbecue sauce. the barbecue sauce in the McRib NFT. life is filled with almosts, like we almost got the Thanksgiving myth right. and then there are those who embrace the moment and commit, we call these people actors. i don't like it any more than you do but crypto is the only thing that can fund when we have to switch planets to Mars...

* elderly woman: don't scowl at me, you little bitch.
elderly woman: thanks, kid, but you didn't need to build an elaborate series of tunnels made of cardboard boxes lit up like a Christmas tree, i don't mind wearing a mask.

* Phoenix: poor Cooper Manning. and Archie is only known as Peyton and Eli's dad.
Peyton Manning: i'm a history buff.
Cooper: i thought you were an actor.
Halle Berry: i'm Cleopatra in this. you can hardly recognize me in my roles anymore.

happy weekend, my babies

okay THIS is what i'm thankful for this week: not the Thanksgiving feast.

the ITALIAN CHICKEN SANDWICH is back at Burger King!!!

quite honestly i longed for this more than the McRib!

no Frozen Cokes at Burger King? hmmmmm...

Wednesday, November 24, 2021


Doryce: i have a caca problem.
Gladyce: say what?
Doryce: it came so unexpected. i was not planning on this today. suddenly i squirted brown all over my panties.
Gladyce: what'd you eat?
Doryce: i don't understand, it was just some bone broth and a grilled-cheese sandwich you microwave first then toast. i've had to go to the little girl's room three times and launder twice. 
Gladyce: did it get your dress? undies are fine but if it catches your dress...
Doryce: that's okay, i like being naked in public. it's weird, i wash my hands cos i need my spell-fingers clean or my spells don't work, i've washed them 4 times but they still smell of caca.
Gladyce: four is an unlucky number, dear. 
Doryce: even pre-covid. i put my fingers inside my nostrils and take a big whiff. my nose and cheeks smell like cigarettes.
Gladyce: that's an omen, they reek for a reason, they put poo in cigarettes, time to quit, babes.

Emma Raducanu: someone, please get me to a hospice, i don't feel right.
Leylah Fernandez: oh god, even I feel guilty now. didn't mean to strike you THAT hard. just scare you a little. 
Emma: it's not a blood thing this time i promise.
Leylah carries Emma over her back to the hospital, grudgingly.
Leylah: damn, you're lighter than me.

Leylah: there, i don't have to pay for you, it's socialized.

in the weeks that follow Emma loses EVERYTHING. her fortune, her fame, her fam, her boy, her house. her money, her sponsors, her manager. she turns into a Dickensian hobo on the cobblestones.

Tim Henman: i don't want to work for a witch like you but i have no choice, i have to pay for my crumpet addiction.
Leylah: Poppins pussy, do my bidding!

in the weeks that follow Leylah takes over as the new Women's #1. she gets all the magazine covers, especially that National Geographic one that has her with murder hornets on her face. and all the endorsements Shaq used to have. she lives in the mansion and becomes Prime Minister for a few seconds whilst Boris undergoes a colonoscopy. after an alt-right administration takes over for good the recordbooks are changed to reflect that in fact Leylah had won that US. Open.

Leylah: look i'm trying not to be a bitch about it. look at me here, i don't need no maids for my six storeys but you will not deny me my SHOE COLLECTION!!!!!!!!!!

amidst hot flashbulbs popping glass and the grey smoke that follows and billows up, Leylah in dark sunglasses makes an announcement at a press conference in Vegas:
Leylah: i have dropped Tim Henman as my coach. too gay for me, i need a strongman. i have hired Sting to be my new coach and manager.........i mean i've hired Martin Page...  

at KQED Headquarters
Carly Severn is at her mirror in the middle of the stage applying her lash.
Pat: you got some nice big juicy eyes.
Carly: did you do what i said? did you strike the stage?
Pat: the lights are on delay. the cool Tron neon floodlights. not aboard the barges on time. Biden gave us back the sun so i can wait.
Carly: that's gonna be cool when we replace this spotlight with the floodlights. 
Pat: i've been thinking about you all day. i want to run my fingers through your hair. i want to feel safe in your broad shoulderpads.
Carly: tell you what, let's have a trial run.
Pat: dry or wet?
Carly: i've been dry for years.
Pat: no i mean the trial run.
Carly: take me to Bay-Curious tonight and we'll see where the night takes us.
Pat: okay. wait what?

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: know why i've been laying low for awhile? that SAC 2045 thing was.........not very good...

Physicians Mutual Physicians Mutual: creepy commercial. it's like we were doing a Squid Game Disneyland...

Dirg: who the fuck puts their PhD diploma on their Wikipedia page?!!!!!

two week fog: not the brain disorder, an actual two weeks of full fog in Obec

Art LaFleur: i was a coach......not a baseball coach, an acting coach. i kept my life COMPLETELY PRIVATE, that's how it should be. you have no idea who my wife is.

Takahashi: Pacific Grove pizza, ain't nuttin like it. Mountain Mike's in Pacific Grove, the only one in the franchise to serve slices to compete with the mall hustle n bustle of Pizza My Heart.

Dipper from Gravity Falls: i'm Morty from Rick and Morty as a kid.

Alanis Morissette: who knew i was an NFL fan? but i root for the Texans so...

at the Olympics
monobob: not monoboob

Dennis Perkins: why the FUCK wasn't I asked to write the SNL Oral History book?!!!!!

Matt Frewer in a pilling blue cotton bath robe: that's why my performances were so electric, i was hopped up on coffee, jonesing on joe. i was the Java Junkie.

Rosey the Robot: i cried but i pushed my tiny arm through the door all the same. it's my first day working for GrubHub. i am humiliated.

Phoenix and Laertus's dad: great, the Great Data Blackout of 2022 that changes the world forever not in a good way takes place on our birthday, March 22. thanks, Blade Runner. we do love the doves tho.

Scott Stapp: i can't stop singing "What If" cos my bloody eyes got damaged traveling at 50 Gs like my uncle John Paul Stapp.

Australia: Adele who?

Pauline Kael: okay so i was wrong on Blade Runner. i'll never trust that Roger Ebert again. 
Ridley Scott: that won't be a problem anymore.
Pauline: sorry, i'm just mad that nobody remembered i died because of 9/11. here, i got you an apology gift. can we be friends?
Ridley: what is it?
Pauline: a cell phone.

Sandra Bullock: i've never tried truffles. 
Keanu Reeves: here. with wine.
Sandra: what's that knock on my door?
Keanu: Nic Cage with his roving pig on a faux-leather leash, do NOT let him in.

Gladyce to Doryce: dear when it comes to trash bags, the only choice is scent. not size. 
Doryce: but i'm a size queen.
Gladyce: which scent will our trash bags be?
Doryce: there's only one choice: FABULOSO!!!!!!!!!! 

for the show portion of the date that night Carly Severn tours Pat around the KQED public classical-music underground indie radio station. 
Pat: i never knew Samuel Taylor Coleridge composed classical music.
Carly: i'm a dangerous DJ here. i only play at 3AM. i graffiti'd all the cushion walls full of insulation inside this soundproof room here myself.
Banksy: i should do a podcast...

Gladyce: i'm going to CVS to get my booster.
Doryce: good, pick me up some opioids.

Michael Strahan: i'm going to space to find my tooth.

Yung Pueblo: i'm divorced with seven baby mamas but none of that matters, 7 is a lucky number...

Pat: a city shouldn't be this quiet at night. 
Carly: look at the Golden Gate Bridge.
Pat: the Golden Gate Bridge is a bridge of chills this nite.
Carly: it's enveloped in a dark fog. we must never let up. only the Tron building in the center of town there pierces through the smog not ready-to-burst raincloud.
Pat: with Tron arrows of neon light, it doesn't rain in California anymore.

Carly: at Ralphs along a very steep hill in the Market district of San Francisco i get my oat milk. only two glass bottles left. one chocolate. a slim gal in a powder-blue hoodie and spindly legs and ponytail reaches above my head for a packet of 35 strips of maple bacon. thing was heavy and the bacon crashes on my bonneted head slipping off the kerchief revealing my bald head. "SHIT" the girl murmurs organically without a care for the consequences. that was hot, i wish i had this girl's presence and freedom when i'm on stage.

Jennifer Lawrence: i didn't ghost you, the universe ghosted me.

Moreton-in-Marsh: the Smurfs really do live here.

Lance Lear: Pedaling Picasso will be remembered long after i am forgotten.

Ryan Seacrest: i just want every baby in the world to smile.

Halle Berry: i French-kissed Melissa Maker.

The Neon Demon: we finally found out where that crystal Pink Floyd triangle comes from...

Eye Luggage: I Am Curious and go. the other half. who lives better? the Blue one.
Dirg: confused. do you watch this INSTEAD of Yellow? IN SPITE OF Yellow? BECAUSE of Yellow?
Laertus: it's weird cos it's kind of a companion to Yellow. or another version of Yellow. yet shouldn't you just watch the whole 3 1/2 hour spectacle to get the full breadth of it?
Eye: very Blade Runneresque. Yellow deals with the external forces, Socialism and Nonviolence. Blue is more inward-looking, the girl's lost mother et al, the Freudian stuff.

Vilgot Sjoman: i'm no Ingmar Bergman, i've been told that every day of my career. but man do i wield power! i mean because of me, little ol ME, an entire political party was created in Sweden to combat my sins! our version of Pat Robertson sprung up because it turns out i let it out of the bag that homosexual men have sex.
Mlem and Blep: ...
Lena Nyman: the greatest day of my career was when i did Autumn Sonata. i had the honor and privilege to be included just a bit into that extraordinary roving repertoire. even playing a Bergmanian invalid there was more life in my eyes than when i played your spunky reporter, Vilgot. sorry, Vilgot, i know you worked hard.

Lena: meritocracy? how absurd. a healthy society is one where its dumbest citizens can prosper.

Lena with hairbrush microphone: can any of you fuck a woman without getting her drunk first?
men at dance: ...
Lena: you made all women wallflowers! retiring when they're 18! no more wine for you men. truffles only.

Vilgot: i did everything, i was the cameraman and the writer. they told me let the young people dance, they don't give a shit about your movie. but i told them that it's not love unless it's done in a barn...

Lena: is sex the greatest joy in life?
out-of-town girl: no, Roger Federer is the greatest joy in life. i'm from Switzerland.
Lena: hey, do you know who the King's new girlfriend is?
out-of-town girl: Sandra Bullock.

Vilgot: singalongs sound better on the freeway.

Lena: is the baby gonna interrupt our fucking at all hours of the night like this?
Borje: yes, that's what babies do. they cry.
Lena: then i don't want kids.
Borje: too late, we just had sex, remember?

in the car not at the dealership
Lena: i got you. your entire religion is a lie. your whole life is a lie. the church is the ultimate patriarchy. life is about the children, and everytime you turn a page in your Mormon bible another innocent child in Africa dies. you can't convert if you're a pervert. you want to wait till marriage before sex? what if you never meet the right person?
gospel apprentice: woman, dry-clean my white suit. then wear it, i don't care anymore.

Vilgot's woman friend: is this a cabin-in-the-woods situation?
Vilgot: yes, but no horror.
Vilgot's woman friend: but everyone keeps telling me i'm going to Hell. so i have to do an explicit lesbian sex scene?
Vilgot: Sweden, baby, it's Sweden.
Vilgot's woman friend: even tho i'm not a lesbian. okay, i'm only doing this cos you're my friend, Vilgot, and i trust you.


Bim: Bim is a cool name for a woman.
Hans: i bought a boat cos i have a small penis. but that's just it, i want to play this character as extremely WEAK, uncertain of his manhood, goals in life, and ability to satisfy a woman.
Vilgot: for fuck sake, man, you're a professor! what's the point of being a professor if you're not confident?!
Hans: why do i have to slap my wife? THAT's the only way to assert my dominance? that's a bad example we leave Lena about love lasting and enduring for two old people even tho we're both 30.

Vilgot: Lena, do not avert your eyes. look directly at your parents. your naked mom and your naked dad, making love in front of you, that's why you live now.
Lena: this is hard to watch, not hard in that way. okay, now i know why mom left us...

Vilgot: i wanted Lena's mom to have brown hair, brown hair is mysterious in Sweden, blonde is so passe and ordinary and boring, a brown-haired Swede could be Carmen Sandiego. 
Dirg: this is so dumb. the entire POINT of this whole THING is for Lena to finally confront  her mother who abandoned her her whole life and really hash it out with her, explain to her that Lena is the way she is because of this trauma when she was a kid, she's spunky and severely smart and anti-authority and a wild child and reckless with her beliefs and lusts cos the mother couldn't provide her a stable home. hell that's how i explain myself. but then when we get to that fateful face-to-face stand-up-to engagement encounter, the MOVIE ENDS WITHOUT ANY AUDIBLE DIALOGUE BETWEEN THEM!!!!!!!!!!...
Lena: it went something like this:

Lena: hi, mom. i forgive you.
Lena's mom: sorry. 
Lena: gotta say you weren't what i expected. i mean i'm really hot, i got a nice bulbous body and big tits, i saw you naked and you were just flabby...

Lena: g'night folks

Pat: WOW. i really appreciate this, Carly, i am honored and privileged that you're letting me see the inside of your pied-a-terre. hardly any fans get access like this. i got nothing. i got nobody to come home to.
Carly: and now for the dinner portion of the date. it's already tomorrow and you can stay.
Pat: what does this mean? i can stay here?
Carly: today's the day. the day of my Friendsgiving. and you're invited. what i'm saying is i consider you a friend.
Pat: that's the greatest thing that's EVER come out of a woman's mouth directed at me, and i'm not even kidding. can i hug you?
Carly: hug my bald head.
Pat: you are kinky.
Carly: mantap mantap, steady steady. mantap mantap in all things.

Emma Raducanu: in my time away from the game i've learned to radically rearrange my priorities. i see all rejection as redirection. what am i here for? to fuck? or to help out? i reconnected with my parents and shut my yap for once to let them tell me the old stories as they burned my painted fingernails off. i have a new mission in life: to advocate for better Chinese representation. like that James Bond film, what was that flick called? On Her Majesty's Secret Service. no one's character will ever be called Chinese Girl again. she will be fully-realized and fully-blooded and vivacious and full of potential like me. and while you're at it, Idris Elba or Lara Croft or whoever, add an Ecuadorian Girl who specifically knows the right agriculture patch to plant and sustain those particular tiny Ecuadorian orange bananas...

Emma at her comeback press conference: just trying to keep everything equal, folks. i'm 19 and 19 in the world, just trying to keep everything even.

on the court
Emma: come on whaddaya say.
Leylah: fine. i do need a doubles title and i have no friends. doubles is way more lucrative than singles, doubles teams get the Sports Illustrated covers.
Emma: my dad's not an emam. i mean we're here in paradise. Hawaii i mean. on the set of Sesame Street. we're playing Dolehide and Guarachi in the finals.

Emma: so how was Fran between the sheets?
Leylah: Tiafoe?
Emma: i saw your wedding photos in People Magazine. don't know why you didn't invite me to rub it in my face, figuring out a destination wedding is better than hiking in a dumpster.
Leylah: not as satisfying as you'd think, he was impotent in bed.
Tiafoe in the stands: jeez, man, i can't win either way! hey Leylah, why don't you use your clout to help elevate the Filipino people like i do every day. i lifted the entire island above a volcano once.

Emma picks up her racquet. Leylah picks up her racquet. they hit each other, their racquets, like they're about to throw down with swords. but in a playful way.

Emma: i can do this. i can live another way. i can live another life. you never know when your life will change for the better or take a turn for the worse. i can do this. i have to do this. i have to live regardless. i raduCAN do this!!

Monday, November 22, 2021



today in 1909 history was made. the Wright Brothers formed a multimillion dollar corporation to manufacture airplanes and in 2021 TMIT is posted.

Wright Brothers: we were only looking to make gum...

1. would you buy a self-driving car and use the self-driving mode? only if it's electric. 

trick question, all cars will be electric soon. finally FINALLY the world is starting to look like the Tron future i envisioned as a kid. all gas stations will be replaced with electricity hubs. and all cars will be replaced by solar cycles. this is perfect for monks like me who hate cars and car culture, i won't ever have to drive anywhere, it'll be like my Berkeley days when i walked to McDonalds for breakfast. 

the car doesn't need me to be inside it to drive it. i can be inside other my home. get my groceries at LUSH for me. but it's still a bit messy because i do still love rollercoasters...

2. what is your favorite three-word sentence? FUCK ME SIDEWAYS

3. what would your pet say about you if we asked for a reference?

first head: he is a kind pet. he thinks he's the master. he treats us better than his own children of which he has none. he really does like us better than people.

second head: he works hard. but only if it matters. working at an electricity hub is useless, he needs to write.

third head flopping his floppy ears: All Humans Go To Hell

my pet is Cerberus

4. have you ever been stood up by a date? did you attempt another date with that person?

of course. 100% of the time. i get stood up at Sizzler and cry into my giant spicy meatball. i ask to use their phone, i make a scene, i shout and blubber noisily into the phone causing all the patrons, TikTok restauranteurs, and chefs to stop what they're doing and stare at me. Gordon Ramsay starts to cry sick with worry over me. i get asked to leave and they drag me out of the Sizzler:

me: thank you, Sizzler, i see you working, you had the shield on your salad bar BEFORE covid...

and then we have the second date, which is really the first date. isn't that how the game of love works?

5. have you ever checked through your phone media to remember the night before?

i only put my work on my Instagram, i never would put personal pics on there, you think i'm crazy?!! what if my side-girls see it?!! what if my priest sees it?!! what if Mama Gucci sees it!!! they're not Gaga Monsters anymore, they're Gucci Gremlins!!!

but mostly i don't put my personal life on social media cos i don't want folk being bored to tears.

BONUS: never have i ever___

played Telephone on the schoolyard with a tin can and string. but i have danced to "Smooth Operator" by Sade naked in a YMCA shower...

Friday, November 19, 2021




* tonight is the Full Moon and the Full Moon Ritual. will you be there? did you miss it? this isn't just another moon thing, this will be the longest eclipse in a Carl Sagan billion years. so this really is a once-in-a-lifetime moment for you here, there's no redundancy if you miss it it's over forever. not even a past life or projecting your astrobody into the future. 

* Baker Mayfield is a talented-enough actor to carry a sitcom on CBS

* Kyle Mooney: The Sex Lives of College Girls saved me from suicide

* gaggle of girls giggling: so how's the sex?
Jo Firestone: Joe Pera and i do not have sex. Joe Pera and i play chess.

* Laurie Halse Anderson: now THAT's how you LIVE!!! go back to your high-school sweetheart, back to your childhood crush, the neighbor boy, and make your own Brady Bunch.

* Adam Trent: not the same kind of magic Reznor does.

* Dirg: whatever you do, do NOT offer the ONE troll commenter you've had your whole life for 10 years doing cartoon reviews a JOB at Bubbleblabber!!!!!!!!!!!

* Moroha: my name is hard to pronounce.

* The Devil's Bible: like i would have Codrus write me.

* Maria LaRosa: it's hard out there for a pimp weathercaster, fighting the good fight everyday for science. meteorology ain't magic. i mean the very founder of our company is a climate-change-denier...

* Jan-Michael: as a tennis player i was named after the gimbal of the Apple iphone. i gamboled in the grass when i was a tyke with a pre-phone known as a magnifying glass...

* Bergen Williams: do you remember me as a maid? not in The Brady Bunch house. or as a pro wrestler? i wrote when Power Rangers was still on tv...

* wait they did Sun already, right?

* not the start of Moon, a commercial for The Wheel of Time, and that's not Velma from Scooby Doo in the visible commercial

* Guillermo del Toro: copyright The Mighty Boosh. i hate when that happens, my fingers get all sticky when i suck on Red Vines.

* it's an alien language but you can understand it

* Jonathan Brandis: if Neverending Story 2 had been more like this...
John Barrowman: same, buddy, same, i would have kept my head in a box and still be on the show...

* fried egg = shuttlecock
John Barrowman ...

* it's Loy Krathong season!!! get your leaf candle boats ready for the river ride!
kraken: i'd appreciate my own day for some love.

* why do all cartoon shows now look like video-game levels? cos they're all from MY generation! we all played the same gray games...

* watch out for those invisible toads

* HDP = if you translate the Dutch it comes out as Adventure Time International House of Pancakes

* why is the moon inextricably linked with mushrooms? psychedelic mushrooms

* role reversal: this time the bears have the blow-up doll to get revenge on the furries.
Berenstain: STAIN! STAIN!

* the red-sun sailor chant does not work with a red moon.
female Gremlin: yeah but see i was the only nice Gremlin, the mom Gremlin, the caregiver Gremlin.

* Mike Tyson: i like this part

* cows: we caused Earth to explode. sorry, our methane gas.
CBM: all cows should eat only kelp.

*  frozen infinity pool

* what would happen if the moon crashed into the Earth?...
Angela Anaconda: the moon isn't screaming, that's its resting-bitch face.

* you NASA Hoax guys are the reason MCA from Beastie Boys died.
Cigarette Smoking Man: you guys suck, Beastie Boys were my sons.
NASA Hoax manlet: you know what, you look like if Frankenstein were human.

* if Sesame Street was rendered in Belladonna of Sadness

* Phoenix note: i FUCKING LOVE live action!!! more of this type of live-action, i could see this becoming a drama on TNT, i'd watch these folk again.

* waitress: i speak in a Southern accent but you won't have to do the Human Centipede, sweetcakes. copyright Dennys. 
black woman: Northern Exposure was my favorite show.

* Phoenix: potato salad makes your butthole itchy

* waiter: these blue gloves are to keep me from scratching myself, not for covid.

* woman: the blue burger, does it make you poo brown?

* Phoenix: MARCH 22!!! that's my birthday!!! March 22, 2095, with my lifestyle i'll be sure to be there to see what happens...

* woman: get it? it's like blue cheese. Jimmy black meat? look, my family was opposed to and disapproved in the strongest terms me marrying a crusty old white dude who wears hats, but i genuinely fell in love with him. what are you gonna do? on the flip side i finally finished the ending to the tv show Out of This World that everyone wanted. it's a satisfying ending, i'm a Hollywood writer.

* my 5 most exceptional belongings: my kids, spread out into the furthest galaxy. the Kama Sutra teaches Up Down Left Right and Penetrate The Center to free me of wanton desire...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Pizza My Heart. i haven't eaten real pizza since the pandemic! REAL PIZZA is teacup-pepperoni pizza.

Wednesday, November 17, 2021



the Transylvania Open is up and kicking. some might say it has raised from the dead. so well in fact considering this is the first time the WTA has put it on.

Emma Raducanu: look, i didn't enter this tournament cos i'm Romanian or related to Dracula or anything. i did it because i mean look at this tournament! this tournament is fucking PERFECT!!! it's a purple court, a PURPLE court, the tournament takes place THE WEEK OF HALLOWEEN, and the winner's trophy is filled with candy. right, uncle?
Bela Lugosi: indeed. i was a youth tennis star back in the old country. i coulda turned pro but i got scared every time i looked at the net, i kept thinking it was the cobweb of a giant woman spider who would seduce me dead with her film-noir gams fangs.

back at the hotel, which is actually Dracula's Castle with cobwebs, the night before the tournament is to begin, Emma has a heart-to-heart with her new coach, Tim Henman.
Emma: Tim, why are you dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire?
Tim: that's Mr. Henman to you, young lady! i mean Ms. Henman. this isn't Mrs. Doubtfire it's Mary Poppins!!! do you youth not know ANY history of your proud parentage that isn't Meta?!!!
Emma: i should honor my mum and dad more. sorry about all the sex i've been having.
Tim: never mind all that, you don't have to give me the details unless you want to, unless it'll heal you or something, we have time for that, i'm all ears. Dracula ears. i want what's best for you forever. you gotta start concentrating on what really matters in life: TENNIS!!!
Emma: but isn't tennis just a game? sex on the other hand leads to love and isn't love what life is all about?

in the locker room before the first match.
Emma: why are there cobwebs in my locker?
Leylah Fernandez: OH GREAT. of course it's YOU as my first-round opponent. the tournament organizers are evilly laughing right now behind a mirror full of spots.   
Emma: just play fair and square, bitch, honor your name.
Leylah: so Cam Norrie's cute, huh hon?
Emma: he's a dreamboat.
Leylah: see you out there, bitch!

Carly Severn is applying her purple eyeshadow on a circus mirror that's old-skool and dusty, not a high-tech influencer circle high-beam light.
Carly: so Nicole keeps telling me she wants to be more than an assistant to me and for me.........she wants to do me not just my makeup.........but it ain't gonna happen, i mean everyone at work falls in love with me.........thing is i really do need an assistant, an assistant's hard to come by these days. wait why am i gossiping with you?
Pat: cos Nicole isn't here. hey can i jump through that giant metallic hoop you guys use to promote all your KQED shows? i love that thing.
Circus Coo: careful kid, that hoop elongated my legs, stretched my shins out so long my back arched for weeks. at the end of it i was taller than any of my male counterparts so i didn't have an excuse to wear Redbottom heels anymore which crushes a girl.

Meghan Markle: my dog went through that ring and was saved! he was able to escape the cruel world of the London press hiding out in California.
Humphrey Bogart: here's looking at you, kid. wow Meghan, you're actually prettier up close than in your paparazzi photos! next time get your dog a bitch to keep him entertained. what, it's the '40s.
Meghan: we thought of that but decided on Guy.
Humphrey Bogart: i would never do you like Hitchcock did that bird dame. i know my birds from my birds.
Guy Forget: that ring is a Ring of Salvation!!! and so began my journey, everyone thought i was just some guy so in order for the world to pronounce my name correctly i had to sign up for mall karate and get myself a gi. some say i derive pleasure from accumulating more and more karate belts cos i use them for sexual choking. that is between me and my wife. a white belt works just as well as a black belt. relish in the free press while you still can, before it's wiped from the world. don't you ever forget it. and don't you forget about me.

Com Truise: my video for "Brokendate", look at it on the big screen, it's the new Tron ride. the entire music video for this song is the Vaporwave "Take On Me" by a-ha.

Jurgens Cloud Creme at LUSH: we're a very rare cookie flavor. we can only be made into a cummy cumulonimbus cloud one day a year when an Alberta clipper enters an atmospheric river. 

Michael B. Jordan: i'm officially changing my name to B Jordan.
Michael Jordan: thank you, everyone wants to be Jordan.

Takahashi: i go with the Stacked Grilled Cheese Burger at Jack In The Box cos it looks cool, it's aesthetically pleasing.

Leo Borg: it's gonna be a tough life for me. i'm gonna have it rough.
Roger Federer: notice how the legendary tennis players didn't have fathers who played tennis? or didn't play tennis well. that's the only way it can work, a legend can't come from a former legend.

Vince Locke: i was denied grilled cheese sandwiches as a kid.

E.T.: the John Lewis Christmas advert for 2021 was good this year, they're back on track. but they shoulda leaned in for a mouth kiss at the end.

Madonna: Gaga's just friends with Britney to spite me.

Dirg: see? Young Justice Season 3 used the word pandemic in 2019!!!

Fanny Mendelssohn: i'm the Dolly Parton of my age. not taken seriously on account of my tits. not my butt. i'm talented, my works rival my husband's.

Blade Runner Black Lotus: we made the type as small as humanly possible, but not Replicantly possible. writers strike in Hollywood. 
Alessia Cara: my intro song shoulda been called "Little Light".
Niander Wallace: i know it's CG computer graphics but i don't look like Palpatine at all.
Max Headroom: hi.
Tommy Lee Jones: i deserved to die over the edge at a boxing match, the irony.
Elle: i was chased down with my friend and fellow Replicant Avril Lavigne. in this cyberpunk world the phones are steampunk.
Wes Bentley: i stopped drinking. 
Naruto: even in cyberpunk it all comes down to a ramen stand.
Mardith: nice bounciness to that fighting woman's butt there, the 3DCGI accentuates it. cool anime is cool.
Peyton List: i really need to change my name to Peyton Roi...

Doryce and Gladyce: carrot cake, dears, it's what old people are into now.
Dirg: crones is carrot cake spelled backward. and i do mean spell. and i do mean backward.

Big Bird: i got the covid vaccine today. and notice how early i got it, early bird gets the worm.

Laertus: i guarantee, the author of the critic article has a wife, ALL of the commenters do not.

Jake Gyllenhaal: but i don't wear scarves.
John Mayer: i do.

Robert Crumb: Fritz The Cat as a tv show, why hasn't anybody pitched this yet? it's perfect for adult swim. okay well it's perfect for Netflix.

Dirg: The Whitewater Center looks like a vagina.

Helen Hill on stage: i was doing this stuff WAY before the new futuristic glass KQED building was constructed. i'm a true orphan. cos i'm an orphan of the heart. and now an orphan of the soul. the creek waters can't clean my films. i named my kid Francis cos i felt like Kurt Cobain living in Katrina. i would have made Tiny Toon Adventures so much better.

Jo Firestone: i had the adult swim version of Sex and the City.
Cecily Strong: with my ex as Mr. Big!

Diane Robinson: i'm the real Tomb Raider. the real Runway Huntress. no blood diamonds please.

chukai: Malaysian meditation town of real-life Evangelion

Dirg: we need more Paul Romanos, artists who ride motorcycles.
Paul McCrane: all artists ride motorcycles.

Jade Munster: blame Rob Zombie.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Robert Pattinson: i channeled James Bond as i played Batman...

Eye Luggage: Mr. Mom and go.
Michael Keaton: i channeled Superman to play Batman.

Laertus's dad: storytime. i remember this movie in bits and pieces. i was at the St. Cyril's rec room with the vomity orange carpet around 5th Grade or so, raining cats and dogs outside which was unusual for Los Angeles. our minder was Lou this butch lesbian musclebound woman with shaved head orange mohawk wearing a plaid vest and faded jeans before Kurt made that cool. i hated her at first cos she got on my case treating me like a detention delinquent, a hood hooligan, not realizing i was a straight-A student and special. but we chilled the ice a bit when we started talking movies. turns out she discovered Michael Keaton before Batman at a cool comedy club in Arcadia. she cracked a smile for the first time, i made her laugh and knew i was Michael Che. she howled like a banshee when she spotted this movie in the TV Guide listings and agreed to have the detention class watch it in secret of the nun principal. 
Laertus: what were you in detention for, dad?
Laertus's dad: peeing my pants one time too many. but dammit i never saw this movie!!! i remember the commercial for it on Gold Channel 5 with Michael Keaton and the chainsaw, right after Northern Exposure, but five minutes into it and my dad came to pick me up in the rain. i love my dad but i wish he would have been 2 hours late that day.

Michael Keaton: when i'm holding up my baby's butt to the air-dryer in the public bathroom, don't do that in real life, folks, that's a lawsuit, that's all Hollywood smoke n mirrors.
John Hughes: yeah sorry i'm weird like that. did you have any idea i was married?
Michael Keaton: they use that same air-dryer air now to Ninja Foodi your chicken-cheese nuggets.

Dirg: stay-at-home dads are still frowned upon in Asian countries.
Emma Raducanu: i need to change this perception. 
Takahashi: it'll only work if Emma does a Shin Chan special.

Michael Keaton: i'm Jack Butler. get it? butler?

Teri Garr: still pretty hot for being 40 years old in this, right?
Dirg: it's impossible to be 40 in the '80s.

Taliesin Jaffe: my name sounds like peanut brittle.

Martin Mull: this is weird, i'm usually the good guy, the sage, the man with the plan, the one bringing a bag of wisdom, a pouch of prudence. because of my beard i'm often mistaken for a wizard, i'll take that, i'm my own god anyway...

Ann Jillian: remember me in the '80s?!!! no you don't remember me as a bombshell, you remember me as that brave woman who had breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy. i did that talk show, remember? i was Sally Jessy Raphael without the gimmicky red glasses.

Jeffrey Tambor: now y'all know why i always played slimy so well.

Christopher Lloyd: wasted. i've had a SHIT ton of wives.

Graham Jarvis: everyone wanted those LONG-corded telephones in the Mary Hartman kitchen on Fernwood 2 Night, a concept later co-opted by Zach Galifianakis. remember me? i'm the human Muppet.

Carolyn Seymour: i'm British so i'm evil.

Miriam Flynn: believe it or not, i've never done anime.

Jack: sparks are flying everywhere. oh it's just the auto plant. but i will get seduced. which Rocky movie is the best?
Cheech & Chong: the first one, it'll still be the first one even after they make 18 sequels!!! why do they do this!!! 

Laertus: car beds, an '80s staple, never had one of those.
Dirg: i never had a bed.

Caroline: i've had a college degree this whole time, from Berkeley. i should be making twice what you make but it's the '80s. what's the big deal about being a woman? 

Jack at The Store: cleanup on Aisle 4. vaginal fluid, don't worry about it.
Eye: a husband shouldn't be ashamed to get a price-check over the loudspeaker for his wife's Depends. that's the sign of a strong marriage.

Michael Weiss Tyzik: OMG it's that redheaded woman from Match Game '70s rattling off all the cheese and meats!
Rubikon: i always loved her gums, she had the perfect mouth for comedy.

Caroline in the board room.
Caroline: one day this table will be the birthplace of Ancient Rome. pizza. but for now the best advertising comes from housewives. here, take my cat, but you can only use him once, his name is Morris...
Mlem and Blep: MEOW MEOW!!! don't do it Morris!!! you'll be condemned to a life of cheap drugs and Fritz the Cat sex!

Mardith: you gotta love how the man doesn't know where to drop off and pick up in child daycare, he has no sense of direction, he needs the woman to point him the way.

Joan: hey this card game looks just like Jo Firestone's card game. 
Jack: that red dress you're wearing, are we doing a Clue cosplay?

at the hotel:
Teri Garr: did you really think you could get away with this when you're married? seducing me as your newest hire with LUSH bubble-bathtub soaps is so cliche, that's why all women CEOs are accused of sleeping their way to the top.
Martin Mull: isn't that what men do to get ahead tho? sleep their way to the top? girlbosses all around now. well my wife does have a sanguine attitude toward the whole thing when she was keyboarding for Santana.
Santana: right. i sensed my mother energy when i contemplated suicide, i pictured my mom as a ghost tugging on me talking in my ear telling me

hijo, this ain't for you!!!

Dirg: oh the man is such a wimp! he is such a beta wuss! as a man you have to seize the opportunity you have to win the race and kill your boss and take over the company!!!
Laertus's dad: oh god i remember those corporate retreats in the '80s, those unnerving open-air spaces places of grass where they held carnival games for the employees. in the middle of nowhere on a ranch inland California for Unisys. a lot of husband/wife wheelbarrow racing and dunking both meanings. still creeps me out thinking about it, that was Squid Game before. those early days of computer science.

E.T.: that Halloween scene was so E.T.. i would have had Michael Keaton dress up as Linus and have the skittish wavering kid who's his son in costume as Linus's blue blanket...

Michael Keaton: honey do you want a divorce? think of the kids.
Teri Garr: no i do not. believe it or not my identity is wholly wrapped up in being a wife and mother. just don't do the crazy eyes anymore.
Michael Keaton: why i wasn't asked to play the Joker instead of Batman is Hollywood's greatest crime. oh and honey when you come back home can you make a quick pitstop to Circuit City for a new Mary Hartman phone?

Dirg: that was sad. i admit it i cried. when he prepared that whole candlelight dinner for her and she doesn't come home so he slowly gets up from the table and has to put away the dishes himself scraping off all the uneaten food.
Jacques Pepin: that's how i feel every night now......i love my wife. all i eat is wine.

Madame Pons: i so relate to Jack's love of soap operas. soap operas were HUGE in the '80s. it MATTERED TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY who the baby daddy was back then.
Laertus: yeah i do appreciate their little sendup of soap operas at the end there with the rain and the thunder and lightning and murder-mystery gun, very Clue.

Laertus's dad: that boss's office, strong Bank of America '80s shaggy open-air carpet vibes from it. 
John Hughes: American-made, back when that was a benign thing.
Michael Keaton: don't know why i wasn't named Jason...
Laertus: this is a very sweet movie.
Robert Crumb: wait they made a tv show out of this? who starred in it, Eminem? g'night folks.

Dirg: wait who played the punk metal new wave goth babysitter?
Michael J Fox: hi. my name is Michael J Fox. i'm coming to you from the future after having traveled for centuries in a time-traveling pirate ship. the babysitter starred in the Back To The Future franchise, i can't tell you anymore or it'll disrupt the flow of time. i STILL don't want to be cured...

Carly Severn: WOW! this place is HUGE!
Pat: it's not just a LUSH, it's a San Francisco LUSH!
Madame Pons: my my what a good-looking couple. i only see your pretty faces in the dim of the orange candlelight against this black night sky of ours. may i help you? with life? no quack candles here, just Obama Yankee candles that smell like Obama's.........cos we all miss him.
Carly: you know the way to my heart. even tho i know you a day. i admit, the stories you brought me today were cool: the Circus Coo story, the Meghan Markle story, the Humphrey Bogart story, the Guy Forget story.
Pat: and don't forget the Dracula story, that's right up your spooky alley. that wasn't a sex joke. one kiss?
Carly: no.
Pat: fair enough.
Carly: *sighing internally and externally* okay fine.
Carly loosens the topknot of her red scarf and it comes undone falling off to the wet orange-leaved ground.
Carly: kiss my bald head.

in the stands cheering on are Tim Henman in a crone dress white wig and smudged black lipstick and birdfeeder grocery cage and no one else, everyone else is too scared to attend.

THEN, Cam Norrie enters the stadium and sits down next to Leylah Fernandez's chair on court.

Emma Raducanu: hey baby.
Cam waves.
Leylah: we're just checking out your phone.
Emma checks her butt. her butt pocket. nothing there!
Emma: how'd you get my phone!!! 
Emma looks at Tim. Tim spits out squirrel gravel. 
Leylah: i took it from your room while you were having your coach convo.
Emma: yeah you turned into a bat to fetch it and spread it.

Cam: Emma what's the meaning of this?
Emma: what?
Cam: i'm reading your Instagram texts and you call me a white boy who will never win a Major cos i look like a mechanic. you tell me to sod off to Carolina and put on some panther aftershave. that i look like a children's show moppet who sprays milk on his mother. 
Emma: i never wrote those! look to see if the Blue Verified Check is by my name.
Leylah: it is. 
Emma: then i was obviously hacked. you know i'm not old enough to write my own texts, at this age it's all done by assistants. Tim, is this your handiwork?
Tim: no ma'am, i was in the bathroom at the time adjusting my girdle.

Leylah seizes her opportunity while Emma is distracted and in her head loopy. Leylah leaps from the stands and into her square, she picks up her racquet, and she LAUNCHES a serve right at Emma's head  knocking her unconscious on the other side of the court.


dazed and confused, and stunned, Emma slowly gets up raising from the surprise shattering serve, the hit with heat, the Penn pound. her bell has been rung and as we all know, there is no bell in tennis. 

Emma: who am i?