Monday, February 28, 2022



1. covid dating behavior

a) are you choosier?

yes. i spread my lover only with Jif, choosier milfs choose Jif.

b) are you less choosey? 

choosey, that's a fun word to say

c) are you more frank and up front about what you want?

you have to be with Frank Grimes or he'll turn into Putin

2. what is stable in your life? 

a) job: what's that?
b) finances: because of this new roof i have to be a monk against my will the rest of my life, this is not what a spiritual life means

c) romantic relationships: if only i had a Persis Khambatta like Stephen Collins...

d) economy of your country: EVERYONE MUST pray for Ukraine right now. seriously. it all depends on Ukraine.

e) mental health: can't fix this if i want to be any sort of interesting writer...

f) physical health: you can't cure a concussion, right?...

3. have you lived in a different country than the one you were born? did you have to learn the language?

this one stings cos i have never and i've always thought i was born to be a travel blogger. i want to travel the WORLD, cheaply. Bourdain-style in hostels. i don't need my own tv show, David Dobrik has his own travel show which after EVERYTHING is mindboggling. 

first stop: El Salvador. if i survive that, The Netherlands. if i survive all the chocolate in wet damp grassy irrigation ditches, Poland to stop Putin.   

4. can you speak other languages? English. well. that's what all English majors have to say or the degree gets stripped from them at night by alive mortarboards which cover your dick as you sleep. 

5. how do you manage your fears? those alive mortarboards are really scary, they haunt me when i'm trying to get dressed. also, a giant fat raccoon perched on my half-fence which i'll get into more on Wednesdays...

BONUS: what would you pick to add to your coffee: Baileys, Amaretto, or whisky?

Baileys in a shoe. did you know Old Gregg's shoe is the new Bronny shoe? from LeBron's kid. people don't know this but Old Gregg's waters were actually quite warm and salty. it's not the weeing on each other at a club that's the most satisfying, it's the fact that all the wee comes from manginas. Old Gregg is not one of Putin's little green men, Old Gregg is a right country gentleman. 

Friday, February 25, 2022




* Putin: i gotta fight Klitschko now?
Klitscho: in the ring.

* Dirg: hey, do you know where Stephen Collins is?
Mackenzie Rosman: no. stop asking me! leave me alone! it's not like people just cos they're castmates know their every move after wrap! people have lives, i have NO IDEA!!!

* Katie Bo Lillis: i know where Eddie Munster is...

* Christopher Meloni: i'm not on the Law & Order: The Original reboot so i need the money, i need to be a honey blacksmith for Wendys. my muscles are a bag of spice.

* Brontussy: who need debussy ate?

* The Pope: i will personally hand-deliver billion of kneepads to Ukraine and the Ukrainian people. i have tons of kneepads in my collection...

* Dirg: why is everyone so damn happy online?

* Phoenix: the hippieness i inherited from my dad is kicking in, it flows through me during this Ukraine war. i love the freedom by which they danced back in the day. i'm opening up a Breadsong at the monastery, they need a bakery. Breadsong, the ultimate hippie name.

* Metallica: our first song, "Hit The Lights", is more punk than metal. and thus, thrash was born.

* Axl Rose performing "Paradise City" at Wembley for the Freddie Mercury tribute concert: it's rare for a big concert like this to be on a Monday.

* Cecily Strong: no tv shows got to do their Valentine's Day episodes this year...

* Anthony Edwards: we did it THE RIGHT WAY! look at our smiles! you can't fake that genuine inner happiness, it glows from within! from the inside!
Mare Winningham: winning.
Mare: you got jowls. jowls for days. i'm my correct weight. we look good. we look beautiful. we look right.
Anthony: that's the key. we were FRIENDS for 50 years first. so it was natural to get married after all that time, we were practically married for 50 years, we spent 50 years of time together and never left!!!
Mare: why you gotta leave me now?
Anthony: oh i gotta do this thing with Tom Cruise, secret Top Gun thing, but it's been delayed 10 times for various reasons so it's never gonna happen.
Phoenix: the fact that you two worked on ER together makes it all the more the nuptials of nostalgia.
Anthony: we're too old for a wedding. we're too old to get married. but we did it anyway. Mare, do you kick in bed?

* Peacemaker intro: that bald eagle at the end tho...

* Desi Arnaz: i invented the rerun!!! blame me for all those anime fillers!!!

* Page Turner: i'm not a book, that's my name!

* Leonard Nimoy: yeah those shows like Wicked Tuna that make pirates seem so cool.
Carlton McCoy: CNN told me i was Stanley Tucci with a beard...
Bomani Jones: my show is not about video games. i've never played a video game. it's about bringing back Arsenio Hall...

* Dick Wolf: i did 3DCGI on the new Law & Order reboot intro titles. 3DCGI is still cool, right?
Kurt Cobain: look at me! i'm there! at the talent agency on the Law & Order reboot in the black sweatshirt, black knit cap, and jeans!
Carey Lowell: now see? THAT's what a 61-year-old woman looks like! no plastic surgery, no makeup, just beautiful.
Sam Waterston: i'm fucking old! i look good! let's see delicate precious Clint Eastwood do tv.
Picard: ...

* bald eagle flying in snow: we're gonna win this war...

* Togo's: power to the sandwich. and the Attack on Titan wings. what side are we on again?

* Michael Weiss: you can't just go on my Instagram, be in my DMs, and then not say anything, NOT ONE WORD, when i comment and like a whole mess of your pics and vids over at your Instagram...

* Putin: my government is like the Darth Vader government...

* Delta: a second of time in Salt Lake City is the same as a second anywhere else in the world...except for the elevation of the second...

* Toyota
Shannon Hoon: i'm one of those running wolves...
Wolf's Rain: ...

* Toyota
Phoenix: the wagon carrying the 10-0 football team has stalled cos it was being towed by a Toyota. Homecoming is canceled! the perfect season is over!
band: bandwagon...

* Progressive
Jamie: it's not steelpan unless the steel drums are played INSIDE.
daughter seeing parents naked in the inside jacuzzi: ew. why are you using a strawberry? you should be using a peach.
Beaches: we're suing.

* Phoenix: DO NOT STARE AT THE BLANK PAGE! it'll getcha! it'll press you down and defeat you! we writers know how to combat writers block, writers block is all in the mind...

* Coinbase: crypto is a scam. so buy something real, like a wallet. a wallet made from real leather...

* Delta: a gold mettle round your neck is worth jack shit. but you'll feel better about yourself in the morning. fuck medals, the Olympics are too much pressure! all it does is lead to more mental-health collapses and catastrophes that last a lifetime with no cure. you'll never recover from this. wanna stop pinkclouding? inhale some of our Delta clouds.

man: open floor plan? we want a closed floor plan. Seinfeld isn't funny anymore, it's just old.
woman: i thought this was the audition for Sorkin's Lucy thing not Amy Poehler's Lucy thing...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: McDonalds. if i can't ever again get my iced-tea lemon-sugar powder can i get a Shamrock Shake? it's close enough to March, it's close enough to St. Patrick's Day...

Wednesday, February 23, 2022


Butt: so i hear you want to convert one of the unfinished mason rooms in the monastery into a The Bearded Bean coffee shop?
me: yeah. thanks for waking me up without coffee by the way, that was a horrible experience.
Butt: it would require gallons of white paint. not your cum.
Mardith: oh yeah well now i'm thinking about getting into real estate soon, i can help you with that. how hard can real estate be? you just video a Jupiter, Florida penthouse for an hour and post it on Tinder. 

Butt: what do you watch all day on this tv in your room?
me: a rare '80s telenovela from Mexico called Cuna de Lobos. very rare, ULTRA RARE.
Butt: is that the one with the fountain in the intro?
me: that's every telenovela.
Butt: oh yeah i remember that show. the woman with the silver eyepatch looking like Wolverine.

Mlem and Blep: Cat Crack, with the label of the crazy cartoon cat on the front, yeah see they have to advertise it as "safe catnip" or they'd be sued.

the cat familiars come face to face with the brown cat, the brown cat's staring them in the face at their lawn.
Mlem: so?
Graykid: my name is Graykid. 
Blep: no sense. tho your voice is quite childlike.
Graykid: i know but that's my name.
Mlem: gotta say i so love the bell around your neck, it's cute.
Graykid: meowy. thank you. i sit on this grass, this grass is my doghouse. i see men on the roofs all over the place all day long. is this roof where you live?
Blep: sorta.
for the remaining sun Graykid plops down on the grass and stares with his diamond eyes at the men working. 

knock at the door.
me: yes? oh hello. nice to formally meet you. finally. you're the workers, right?
roofers: si. i can't shake hands.
me: don't worry i'm not that holy. at all.
the roofers put down greasy wrenches with a thud. 
roofers: can we, um, get the thing? no?
me: what thing?
roofers: the bathroom. the portapotty. where do you want us to place it?
me: anywhere is fine. even blocking my view, i don't care. i just care about my tv.
roofers: thank you. you'd be surprised how many masters places we work on where the master tells us we CAN'T have a bathroom on site! we have to go at the local Wendys. that was a very humanitarian decision you made just now.
me: i like seeing pants dry. has humanity gotten THAT bad? that cold and unfeeling? it's a good thing i left when i did.  

to my utter shock surprise amazement and DELIGHT the green portapotty gets rolled in onto my balcony. it comes with a sink! better, the thing SMELLS LIKE FRUIT!!! yes! it's fruity-smelling!!! i am SO happy right now.

Annie Lennox: listen carefully, listen critically. the melody of "Here Comes The Rain Again" is the EXACT B-SIDE of the melody of "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This".

Annie Lennox: touch me! lovers do.

Mikasa: left that scarf like Taylor Swift.

Dirg: yeah this thing where the wife posts countless endless Instagram reels of her superhusband with the baby, i just. i dunno.

Suzy Lu: Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, turns out she was a whale penis. noone knows how big my arse is. ta for now.

Robert Downey Jr: i named my firstborn Lacey...

Melissa Maker: come on, that Clorox commercial, that's me!

United States: we came in 4th in the medal count. just off the podium. the worst place you can ever get at the Olympics is not last, it's 4th.

Natalie Rial: great. the first line of my bio reads

Monica Rial's sister


Tara Lipinski: i am obviously the reincarnation of St. Therese of Lisieux.
St. Therese of Lisieux at the monastery mountain shrine: i was WAY too hot to be a nun. but i make a hot saint.

Olympics: we did it. we did it for 3 weeks. we came together. next week: war.

Los Angeles: we could TOTALLY host the Winter Olympics!!! one word: Mammoth.

Jessie Diggins: look at my smile. i'm a fucking snack.

Shaun White at the white monastery mountain: this ain't a snow chalet. it's a white-robed chapel. i'm a modern man in touch with my emotions, get over it. get used to it. *waves*

Nathan Chen: this is called a camera...

Jillian Clare: men hate when women put them in the friendzone. but how do you think the woman feels? she was expecting to have a lifelong friend but all he was doing was biding his time waiting to get the green light from her that he can fuck her now.

Pokemon bread is served in the monastery mess hall at noon sharp.
Pokemon bread: i'm still not into Pokemon.

the bones of the armless dinosaur are buried in a shallow grave on the monastery grounds in the room adjacent to me.
armless dinosaur: thanks but i don't want to live in the White House. i voted for The Rock, with my big feet. The Rock will be the best President cos The Rock will be the scariest-looking President.

Daniel Craig: my biggest nemesis was never Freddie Mercury, it was Sade.

Washed Out "Amor Fati" video: the naked girl in the tub, she has finger marks all around her neck. is this none of my business or do you want me to call someone?

Buffy Sainte-Marie: i was the first slayer not the first nun. i never got mad, i just became a Blackfoot. without me, there's no Crash Test Dummies.

David Tennant: i took the Around the World in 80 Days job cos it involves a lot of running, gave me nostalgic Doctor Who vibes.

Mardith: 22222, get ready to manifest. miracles are on their way, but how will they manifest themselves?...

Jillian Clare: i love Taco Bell hot sauce cos it's dangerous like Johnny Knoxville.

Arnold Schwarzenegger munching on a crunchy sunflower: now i have lean muscles. i'm the Muscles from Brussels Sprouts.

Rosie O'Donnell: i thought you were related to Deepak Chopra.
Priyanka Chopra: i am, but i can't talk about it. Uncle Deepak is in the mafia. the Spirit Mafia.

Deepak Chopra puts on his blue sunglasses as he peruses the gift shoppe in the lobby of the spirit centre of the monastery. next door is the shrine shower.

at the shrine shower Gladyce is as naked as a witch can get.
Gladyce: my Herbal Essences. the bottle says it's Green Tea Cucumber. so i pop the cap and squeeze. on Monday it comes out all green-tea ooze-goo. on Tuesday it comes out all cucumber foam. which is it? there are layers to this. 

The Good Dish: this show is a woman's dream job.

Vika Azarenka: look into my eyes, my eyes will end the war.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Kelly LeBrock: Pantene is Panteen in England, okay?...

Eye Luggage: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and go.
Laertus's dad: welcome back to me. this one's HIGHLY nostalgic for me. i remember seeing the ad for this movie at the movie theater when i was watching something else as a kid, i don't remember the movie i was watching, i remember THIS. two things: the whale and that one line Kirk says:

remember where we parked

and the audience bellylaughed.

Leonard Nimoy: why did i write and direct this Oscar-worthy script? well i fell in love with the humpback whale on a visit to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. i went there the first year it opened.
Laertus's dad: okay i mean, WOW. think about it. The Monterey Bay Aquarium!!! but visited during the time i wasn't there yet, i still lived in Van Nuys, so i'm getting the wonderment of it all after the fact. that little oceanography studio i live by now is WORLD famous apparently! Star Trek and Out of This World, two space shows!!! two space titans!!! how was the aquarium during the '80s?
Nimoy: clean.

Laertus's dad: this is the one i really needed to see out of all of them. even more than the Khan one. because this one takes place in San Francisco my home away from home. gasp, they finally took my advice and are making a series that takes place at Starfleet Academy in San Fran. FINALLY! we've been clamoring for this since that Wesley Crusher episode.

Gene Roddenberry: i'm still alive here but the Challenger crew is not. really drives home the divide between REAL space and fiction space. if only the transporter really existed.

William Shatner: yeah yeah yeah, just give me money and power. green babes and the director's chair. this whole thing is boring to me now. i mean i've been to REAL SPACE, all of this Star Trek shit is special effects, babes on greenscreens, and stilted dialogue. and they call ME corny!!! did you know inside a black hole is a hologram?...
Leonard Nimoy: i can confirm this...

Nichelle Nichols: i'm a historic figure but i only ever get to say one engineering line a movie or episode. was there ever an episode where they explore how Uhura was Beyonce's granddaughter? and how i singlehandedly defeated the Klingons cos i, duh, built my own cloaking device!!!

DeForest Kelley: i'm not saying it. people forget how warm of an actor i was. i was like Don Rickles with a heart. i learned how to spar with Spock by starring in all those low-rent Westerns. i was a fat kid. the doctor said i could eat all the ice cream i wanted as long as i didn't touch cake.

James Doohan: i'm not saying it. people at my local pub at the Ring of Kerry call me Doodoo. they in a low hum sound DOOOOOOOOOOOO when i come in like Norm on Cheers. i look like that mailman.

George Takei: i'm not saying it. am i really from San Francisco in real life? that would have been perfect. none of my sassy personality comes out in these stoic space parts.

Walter Koenig: i'd do anything if i could build a time machine and save my son Anton Yelchin. nuclear is pronounced New Clear. like the Coke. not like knuckles. wessels is Russia's code word, learn it now for Ukraine later.

Catherine Hicks: you see what's going on here? you see the interconnectedness of all things?
Stephen Collins: right. i was in Star Trek: The Motion Picture, the first one, the original one, back when they still called movies pictures.
Catherine: we met at a Star Trek convention, and we decided right there on that blue stadium carpet, that amphitheater air, to team up to do 7th Heaven
Stephen: but then i went crazy. i blame it all on Persis Khambatta dying early, she would have been my life partner in real life, she would have stabilized me. plus i have a thing for...
Catherine: *covering her ears* i don't want to hear about your thing for!
Stephen: ...bald chicks.

Monstro: if these whales just got laid, like their name implies, if they humped more, they'd be looser, carefree, smudgey, go-with-the-flow, the flow of underwater waves. they wouldn't be wanting to destroy the planet! they need brushes for teeth like i have so it tickles when they eat, if you know what i mean...
The Coachman: go home, Monstro, you're drunk.
Monstro: how could you ever tell?

Laertus: okay before i watch this i had my dad in my ear incessantly so i know about it. this film IS FUNNY.

Vasquez Rocks: what about us? so much sex has happened on my rockface, and so much bloodshed.
Eye: sometimes both at the same time.
Vasquez: it's where the Prime Directive was forged. where Lore first spotted Data. where it was decided to make Lore the brother and not the female love interest which would have been kinkier for Data. it's where John Mayer first packed and played Red Rocks...

Dirg: so this movie predicted 5G. 5G could easily knock out the world's internet with the push of a George Jetson finger on a button. and then what would the world do? one probe is all it would take.
Laertus: that's what she said.
Dirg: Russian and Chinese come from the same language, the same mother tongue, the same shattered broken bottle of Victory Vodka left out in the ploughshares.
Laertus: you have no idea who to root for anymore do you?
Dirg: nope. it's like Attack on Titan.

at the Trial of James T Kirk:
restless mob in the crowd: yeah! crucify Kirk! i heard that guy's an ASSHOLE on set!!!

Sarek: hello, son.
Spock: hello, father.
Sarek: are you brushing your teeth? washing behind your Vulcan ears?
Spock: they're just ears. can i go to the sleepover now?
Sarek: pack your pajamas and we'll talk. uh, we'll mindmeld.

Spock's mom: how are you?
Spock: why?
Spock's mom: it's the '80s, therapy is BIG.

Vulcan woman on the ship: live long and prosper, Supreme Leader.
Spock: please don't call me that, that's embarrassing, ensign. hey where's Kirstie Alley? i want beer.

Gene: why is my damn crew on a damn Klingon bird!
Picard: they're still building the ship that's gonna be MY show when you die.

Bones: we shoulda left you there, we should have never saved you. i experienced your katra, Spock, it was wonderful. i saw Vulcan Heaven.
Spock: what you saw, my good doctor, was Shailene Woodley fucking Aaron Rodgers goblin-mode cos Aaron is such a short man.

Spock: whales. i love whales. more than people. i hear them, talking to me. i'm not crazy, it's my Vulcan mind. do you hear the whalesong?
Kirk: no.
Spock: uncultured!

Sulu: we can use the slingshot maneuver to go back in time.
Eric Stoltz: ...
Sulu: we're gonna crash the ship into the sun. but it'll work. there'll be these weird computer graphics from an '80s Apple and a concert echo chamber to signal our voyage through the timehole. we had a budget, we couldn't get Kubrick. but remember, Captain, we can only go to Warp 9.5 in the '80s!
Kirk: aye, sir.

Spock: first thing we do in San Francisco: Winchell's Donuts, baby!!!
Karate Kid: okay that was a CLEVER way for Spock to cover up his ears!!! with the karate belt!!!
Kirk: no first thing i do is imitate Midnight Cowboy.
John Candy: hey look! it's the same John Hughes bus i was on! with the same kissing punk couple!
Spock: why do you have a mohawk if you don't paint it green? little green men? 
Putin: the Ukraine invasion?
Spock: fuck you, punk. a boombox? we have iPods in the future!!! they're ugly as hell!!!

Chekov: we found the real Enterprise!!! the real boat Enterprise! but it's a fucking CRUISE ship!!! disgrace.
Uhura: why are our scenes out of a Naked Gun movie?

Leonard Nimoy: you see why i really wrote this script? this is a CONSERVATION movie. it's about saving the whales, literally. saving them from extinction. look how gruesomely bloody it gets! these poor creatures, beautiful big blue whales, more majestic grand giant than any human could ever be!
Kirk: that's your Vulcan talking.
Leonard: pirates got more and more glorified after i left this mortal plane. all those stupid History Channel Wild Caught shows with their Bump supporters holding harpoon spears.

Catherine Hicks: hi i'm Scully. i'm the hottest tour guide of all time. i'm a milf but i haven't had children yet. don't mind me when my shirt gets wet, i have puffy nipples as you can see. a lot of rogue waves in the area...
Kirk: what are you doing, Spock?
Spock: i always wanted to be one of those Florida diner mermaids. look at me underwater! this is the ONLY time you'll ever see Spock's butt!

Catherine: TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! do you hear that whalesong?
Kirk: sure, that's Yanni.
Spock: i thought it was all in my head...

Kirk and Catherine at a restaurant.
Kirk: how's your fish?
Catherine: oh you mean the candlelit dinner we're having.
Kirk: look it's hard to believe. we come from the future, 200 years from now, but it's the '80s so all the future tech looks dated. time is complicated.

Bones: give us the transparent aluminum.
Wolverine: no way, bub, i need it for my Michael Jackson glove.
Bones: look i'll give you the microchip before Apple. look in the yellow pages for Apple...

Sulu: i won't take the helicopter, i'm a Lakers fan.

Catherine: and now we're a medical soap opera.
Chekov: you're not gonna give me a backbone transfusion, right?
Bones: i'm a doctor dammit! dialysis? where i come from in the future that's a college class on Freud! take this pill, you'll grow a new liver, you can drink again, granny! still doesn't cure covid tho, too may damn variants. hyposprays for the vaccine-hesitant tho...

Shatner: i'm pushing you in the water, Leo! relax, it's over, this is the wrap party! all of these scenes are being filmed in a wave-machine tank at Universal Studios.
Nimoy: i can't swim!!!

Kirk: and now we do the scene from Animal House where all our buddies are on trial for trumped-up charges.

Kirk: wait you're STAYING???!!!
Catherine: there's nothing for me in the past. don't live in the past, remember? fuck Matthew McConaughey.

Shatner: OH COME ON!!! i ask for a love interest and we don't even have sex?!!! cos it's a PG movie?!!! the bitch plants a sloppy-seconds sidekiss on my cheek that doesn't even hit my lips?!!! oh shit didn't see you there, hello Cat, you are one fine actore.
Catherine Hicks: fuck you, Bill.

Catherine: your brand new NCC-1701-A ship will be destroyed by bureaucracy! just like the humpback whale went extinct because of bureaucracy!
Putin: ...

Shatner: time for my shakedown, g'night folks.

Spock: you can only know what life means after you've died. think about it. your whole life flashes before your eyes as you die, scientists have confirmed this. trust the science. as for me now? let's just say there's a lot of tomatoes where i am... 

Maiara Walsh makes a vow to only attend blue-lit parties. the first one she attends has a sink made out of a tuba. 
Maiara: i like my level of fame. there's just enough comments in my comment section that i can respond to them. each one individually. a Jenner couldn't do that. i answer my beautiful followers at noon cos i skip lunch to maintain my actress body. my fame figure. i hate it. sorry, i don't want a kelpburger. even after the Spock movie. i can get away with posting a pic of me giving the middle finger.
Mesay: also known as the Trusova.

Santa Claus lands on my room's roof. his sleigh is being pulled by a humongous humpback whale, the last one in existence.
Santa knocks at the door.
me: hello. what do you want, fat man?
Santa: i am to hand-deliver this goldleaf card to you personally with my black gloves. and take this bitch in your corner back with me. come on, you bastard, up and at em!
Santa drags Dirg by the shirttail and tosses him in his carriage. 
Santa: i take full responsibility for this one, i assume. 
Dirg, sulking: i don't WANNA visit my stupid old man and my stupid little cousins! 
Santa: you need to. it's an emergency. you're in trouble.
and the two they're off on the whale sleigh...

as i'm reading the card a knock at the door.
Jennifer Pizarro: hi.



Monday, February 21, 2022



the day after a big global event, that Monday after, is so melancholic. we're talking Say Anything-level melancholy here. it's hard to get out of bed, to start the week, there's nothing to look forward to. Super Bowls are one thing, but Olympics and World Cups, you won't see them again in the time it takes to go to college.

1. what did you last savor and when?

Water Cinnamon from Boruto! it's my favorite! that i savor! it's my savorite! but then toonami canceled Boruto so...

2. athletic mindblowing sex or slow sexy romantic sex, what do you want right now?

in honor of the Olympics the former. #1. Harvard studies have shown that if you have mindblowing sex, if you reach that level of orgasmic high, if you do it right, participants in a blind study went blind temporarily after the orgasm.

you know i don't think i've ever had soft sex. you gotta do it the snowboarder way, the slopestyle alpine way. extreme. when i have sex the snowboarder way they call me River of Ice...

it's sex, you gotta get the most of it, you gotta get broke in two like Melissa Villasenor sings about on SNL.

3. you are being interviewed and asked to comment on sex-work. what do you have to add to the conversation?

interviewed by Mardith?!!! i say i LOVE sex work. in all forms. i wouldn't BE HERE t'were it not for sex work. i honor all mothers. i honor all fathers. i honor all opera.

4 should sex work be decriminalized? OF COURSE. i wouldn't be here without it. you know i just found out LAST YEAR that i was actually born in Beverly Hills. BEVERLY HILLS!!! no seriously. a hospital with green hedges in Beverly Hills. I should be the one doing the serious Fresh Prince of Bel-Air...

5. fill in the blank: don't ____

don't don't. do it. just do it. be an artist even if you never meet a gatekeeper. even if after almost dying you get a gatekeeper but that gatekeeper is Kanye...

BONUS: are you bored with people who are successful and unhappy? why?

yes. because you will only be happy if you're rich. you think Elon Musk is happy having to go down to Australia to find a new mate? Australia, a place Elon Musk called a "prison colony". if you make it in the sub industry, if you become the king of submarine sandwiches, make sure you add an extra bathroom key to your penthouse suite so you can share munching on an avocado sub with someone up there, it's lonely at the top. you don't want to end up like Brad Garrett.

take my roof for example. the roof finally got done but these things cost money. without money there's nothing over my cold bald head. i'm out in the cold, out in the rain. wait but i love the rain, i love dancing naked in the rain like a crazy monk. bad example. nevermind.

Friday, February 18, 2022




* White Diamond: hello starlight. okay so what's your best guess as to what the new Starlight Coke tastes like?
me: um. like purple drank with 5% Cinnamon Coke and a trace marshmallow aftertaste.

* Suze Orman: Tom Cruise is my boyfriend.
Tom Cruise: this makes sense.

* Charles Barkley: plant-based? PLANT based?!!! i thought i was doing Subway. Subway don't have no plant subs!!!
Kyle Mooney: ...
Tyler, the Creator: based.

* Sprite: the best drink to take with you when you're in a 3-berth Alpine with Kurt Cobain riding shotgun in the '90s.
Jacques Pepin: do not mention alpine...

* Mardith: we've come to the days when you actually have to slap a legal disclaimer on your own sex blog...

* Dave Stewart: i always thought it was "Sweet dreams are made of THESE..."

* Kim the blonde Greencase Girl clutching her violin to her breast: the saddest thing you will ever do in your life is comment your sad circumstances on a grieving person's final last post before they leave social media forever, posted 128 weeks ago...

* Dirg: remember, it's

good luck


good lick

* Colin Hanks: i'm mini-Tom Hanks. i'm perfect.
Chet Hanks: the first problem was naming me Chet...

* Maiara Walsh: i'm a good spotter of spirit spam...

* Unica Zurn: i'm Frida Kahlo without the eyebrows. i was the ULTIMATE unicorn.

* Janet Frame: like a picture out my window...

* Janet Frame: i did Grey Gardens alone in New Zealand first...

* fundoscopic: nothing to do with the anus...

* Taco Bell Prom
parents: the revolutionary thing here is not the biracial coupling...
girl: no it's my cream dress which flows when there's no wind.
boy: no it's my brother who will grow up to be Shaq.
parents: no the revolutionary thing is two dweebs going to prom. you two are lucky, the 4 of us never went to our proms.

* Craig Robinson: when it's hurts so GOOD instead of hurts so BAD you know it's real.
tattoo artist: i haven't started yet, i'm just drawing the pencil outline.
Craig: but it hurts so bad. that's the problem, your right arm is black, you can't see any of the tat details. it's just a black-covered arm.
tattoo artist: like Black Flag. my arm is completely covered in one big black tattoo. 
Craig: please let this be more than a week, i got a mortgage. a rocket mortage. remember Spicy Chicken Noodle? every company did their version of Spicy Chicken Noodle soup. lasted one week.

* Macy's
man on tattoo table: it's CARLITA! two TTs two LLs two RRs!
Tom Petty: sorry i'm doing my best here! i'm not like the Pizza Hut girl, okay?!!!

* grandma: why did you open all my mail and then deliver said open letters to me?
mailman: thought i saw a Honus Wagner card in there. or maybe one of those rare Garbage Pail Kids, like Fran Fran or Death Nell.

* mailman: okay you want the truth, granny? i am SINGLE-HANDEDLY FORCING the entire world to get an email. we can't have that situation last week anymore. we can't have another of those Reese's Peanut Butter Cups letters!

* The Sopranos kids: we're a new generation of mobster. we only drive electric Cadillacs. and we don't eat food...

* Tommy Lee Jones: i've been reduced to this. i've never been in a good mood in my entire life. the only thing i know about Jonas is i could go for some of his curry.

* Paul Rudd: you think the people will see the chips or us?
Seth Rogen: why did i have to marry the Ring girl?
Paul Rudd: cos like the chips we gotta get you LAY'D.

* Rocket Mortgage: we did NOT copy Robot Chicken with our Barbie skit! those guys are already on to something new with Alabama Jackson!

* Scarlett: it's impressive that i can pull off playing an ugly pirate with an eye patch.
Scarlett: this is actually MY house, Jost still lives at his college dorm. i actually say WHAT THE FUCK here but Amazon cut the scene.
Jost: Amazon and Disney are the same company now, right?

* i scanned that bouncing ball. i got crypto. but crypto's a scam.

* Larry David: speaking of crypto why is EVERYBODY mad at me? people FOR crypto are mad at me, people AGAINST crypto are mad at me, i never say which side i'm on in the commercial. it's pretty pretty aggravating.
Codrus: Larry's right, fingers are forks. stupid people vote for stupid Presidents. it's too far to go to space, i know, i've been to the end of space. 
Larry David: that was my Heroes audition...

* Seth Green: people don't know me from Robot Chicken. or from ******* Candace Bailey. i'm hoping they know me from Austin Powers. but everyone only knows me from the bridge...

* Peyton Manning: ALL movies need sequels. i am PERFECT casting to play The Dude.
Jeff Daniels: i'm living long enough to make sure this never happens...

* now see if the Metaverse was more like Chuck E Cheese it would have survived!!!

* TurboTax
me: NOT my milf dressed in all-blue!!!

* Eugene Levy: i had long hair when i lived in Canada...

* Google Pixel 6 with Lizzo
me: no jokes here. this is a very real issue concerning black people and the darkness of photos, it really opened my eyes.
Rubikon: thank you. finally. we've been saying this to you for 100 years.

* Jim Carrey: how the FUCK did i pull this off?! i look YOUNGER than the original Cable Guy! i'm 60 fucking years old!!!
Kyle Mooney: hey it's my Indian babe! my girl from Saturday Morning All Star Hits! apparently she's been found, she wasn't murdered!

* Guy Fieri: Flavortown was the original name of Atlantis. no the lost city of Atlantis.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: KFC. for their nuggets. their boneless balls. nuggets with bones, that'll never sell. nuggets with bones, that'll never fly.

but what i really miss, what i'll really long for this weekend is my tea. oh my big-butt canister of Lipton lemon powder. contains 100% sugar. sold out. i have to settle for Crystal Light Iced Tea but that stuff tastes like when you go to lick an envelope... 

Wednesday, February 16, 2022



midpaint and i start to itch. something's crawling up the side of my throat but nothing's there. have i gone monk-crazy?

me: it only took one day!

i see the most beautiful sight in the universe below. and it's not the subject of my painting, cos this one unlike Jen Pizarro is an unknown quantity. he is walking away from my path up. 

he is a funny little man that at first i take for a potato bug. he's a mysterious manlet, a short person, a tiny like Tom Cruise. but he is so not famous. the first thing i notice about him is his kindness. he does not smile because he bears the whole WEIGHT of the world in his mouth. he is a ginger bless him, he has tarnished orange hair on top that has atrophied to blood red. his red beard is scratchy and thin, his mustache like his lip never moves. i wave.

me: ho stranger! howdy. not a monky greeting i know, not very serious. and dour. and spirit-filled. i see you wear the same robe as me. novitiate?

Kristof: *VERY quietly* hello. Kristof.

me: yeah. light blue. we look like holograms, the REAL monks get the grey ones later. wanna borrow some of my toothpaste for masturbation alone in your cell later?

Kristof, blushing, signals by pointing to his closed mouth then points to his watchless wrist to indicate this is the 4 o'clock hour of prayer.

me: *zipping my own mouth shut metaphorically* oh SORRY, didn't know, still new to the rules here. just indicate using hand signals when the hash browns are ready and served. and if the green trays are washed or should be thrown in the trash. for the fruitcake-making.

me: well i'll talk to you later. i gotta take a dive in the fruitcake batter, get my hands dirty. get my trunkless crotch and legs dirty in the mix. that sticky paste of fruit nuts and gluten. 

i am SO struck with Kristof. he is SO quiet. he is built like a frat boy who was too short for football so he built up muscle lifting ankle-weights and became one of those tiny Greco-Roman wrestlers. and yet there is nothing frat about him, he is so calm, so gentle, so serene. his eyes reveal the pain of a thousand past unresolved traumas. he never looks up to speak, i have no idea what color his eyes are. it's as if he's in a constant state of prayer, a constant state of meditation. he never wants to be interrupted from his trance but is too polite to tell you so.

me: huh. this man's an actual monk. unlike me. like, Kristof was actually BORN to be a monk. it's good to know that's a thing, that that exists, that that's a real concept in this world.

Chet Hanks: look at me. as you ponder the mysteries of the universe, realize that the son of Tom Hanks himself is actually ME. ME! how did this happen? how could this possibly happen? it's a quadrillion-to-one shot that Tom Hanks's son would turn out like this. what were you thinking? i know i know. Tom Hanks's son should be, like, oh i don't know, John Mulaney or something.
Colin Hanks: or Tom Hanks's son should be, like, someone like.........Colin Hanks.

William S Burroughs: what happened? i used to write the blurbs, the flowery descriptions of all the new menu items, the food choices. i always told the story about when i was on Route 66 and a Taco Bell chile relleno flew into my nose.
Taco Bell: we would call them more rambling stories...

Olympic Channel: we're the only place to get interviews FROM ALL THREE medalists one after the other after the other, regardless of their language.

Janene Meyer: it was spooky, right? that stark noiseless proof of life. i just show up on your DMs like that after 5 years of radio silence from having been presumed dead.

Andy Murray: sorry, man, see you at the airport. honestly i don't know why ANY tennis player wears a hat, there's no point. 

The Cheese Board Collective: this, not the anime, will bring you back to Berkeley. you can get anime at kisscartoon. we only have one flavor. and one topping. we're open one hour a day. and you can't get a cheese pizza here. Tom is our mascot but not Jerry.
Dirg: i will never eat there, communist place.

Rick Astley: i like to drive. Deen is my son. 
Mlem and Blep: Rick Astley, good people. cat person.

Dirg: Van Jones my man, you will NEVER find a woman like Jimmy Carter's niece ever again.
Van Jones: i consciously conjured up Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina. my hair can't uncouple from it.
Dirg: you were going out with privilege AND power.

Jillian Clare: i booked a gig. and i love books. 

Dirg: it's just weird that you can't show the Attack on Titan Titans' cocks in the anime. the cocks are drawn in the manga, right, Takahashi? the Titan penises?
Takahashi: ...

Erin Jackson: huh. turns out it WAS the right decision to let me in. let me play and i'll win. nobody has paid any attention to my historic win. remember Bonnie Blair? the country went CRAZY for Bonnie Blair. the country STOOD STILL for Bonnie Blair in 1988. interesting interesting.

Erin Jackson: i've proven all Olympic Trials are meaningless.

Novak Djokovic: i'm only gonna play the minor tournaments. that's how much i love the sport of tennis.

1-800-GOT-JUNK: i coulda sworn that woman dancing on her bare uncarpeted floor was barefoot...

Dirg: i'm watching the Olympics. Japan grab? come on that's racist over there.

Mother Goose: know where i got my ideas from? i was drunk on cans of Lyre's Spirits...

Codrus: WE baptize you? come on.
Cotard: let it go, brother. the priest followed the spirit of the law, ain't that what we monks are all about? spirit?
me: yeah i mean we are all one community of 8 billion souls of human sentience, am i right?
Codrus and Cotard: ...

Alec Baldwin: i am proof that you need to get married in life. get a wife, kids. 

Alec Baldwin: don't exclude sex from your lives, sex is a good thing. i am proof.

Qandeel Baloch: i was simply doing what any young woman aspires to do to be: becoming self-actualized in her sexuality and fighting for women's rights until all humans are seen as truly equal. to be human is to be sexual, to be human is NOT to be religious.

Sean McVay: it's weird i was on Saturday Morning All Star Hits in cartoon form BEFORE i won the Super Bowl...

Sean McVay: i plan to retire from the NFL at 36 years old. there's nothing else i can do.

Larry Sanders: the Janet Jackson episode. yeah we knew Janet Jackson wouldn't actually APPEAR in the episode when we used allowed in that joke about her beatings at the hand of her father.

Mad Dog Russo: i'm here on First Take now because.........i look like Skip Bayless.

Mad Dog Russo: how did i not die of a heart attack?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
John Candy: is it just me or does John Hughes use the same house for all his families in all his movies?

Eye: Weird Science and go.
John Hughes: we had an alternate title, Sing The Body Electric. And What a Body It Is!

John Hughes: based on a comic book of the same name. my movie has NOTHING to do with this comic book, we paid up the YINYANG for the rights and copyright clearances. not worth it. hopefully the MAD Magazine project goes more smoothly...
Mad Dog Russo: ...

Laertus: okay i'm just gonna cut in line jump in front and come right out and say it, this movie is WEIRD.
John Hughes: touché.

Anthony Michael Hall: which is it? am i the cool guy or the nerd?

Ilan Mitchell-Smith: i left acting after this ROLE OF A LIFETIME to pursue studies of a Medieval nature at a community college called Harvard. needless to say my big brain is what built this place. yes THIS place. THIS monastery.

Kelly LeBrock: don't hate me cos i'm beautiful. hey if you thought that was bad at least i'm not one of those Herbal Essences cunts now. 
Vivian Vance: please don't use the word cunt, that's very hurtful. i'm okay with being called a bitch that's full of power but not cunt.
William Frawley: sorry, honeybunch. why were we so angry at the time all the time? you know looking back, we were just lucky to have jobs at all during the Depression.

Bill Paxton: do NOT call me Bill Pullman. i'm still claustrophobic even in the grave.

Robert Downey Jr: i mean looking at my bit part in this movie i'm some wannabe The Cure goth punk bully with JoJo hair and a frill in my curl. did anyone ever think in a quadrillion years looking at me here i'd go on to be one of the finest most respected actors of my generation? the one Charlie Chaplin handed the baton over to?

Wallace Langham: i'm that actor on the tip of your tongue. you know, Larry Sanders? Kids In The Hall?

Kelly LeBrock: okay okay fine. you got me, i married the man who married Lori Loughlin.
Dirg: greasy Greek ethnics. but they had all the money back then so i respec. all the KGB rubles. that's why Steven Seagal had to save the day and kick some ass on a motorcycle for this country.
Steven Seagal: it's pronounced Seagull.

Wyatt: oh my god i am SO glad i wore underpants this time when we got pantsed. why didn't we go to an all-boys school, Gary? then we wouldn't have to suffer this humiliation. 
Gary: i don't know what would be worse, being a social outcast dweeb in a co-ed school or a social outcast dweeb in an all-boys school.
Robert Downey Jr: just be glad there was no rope, kid. for gym class i mean.

Anthony: why is your brother such a cunt?
Ilan: he goes to military school. you know, MAD? he's a blockhead, but he's serving his country and protecting us from Commies in the '80s. those damn Reds.
Anthony: bro, focus on the Hot Tamales. armies are stupid. all wars are counterproductive. that doesn't give him the right to harass you like this. just cos he's bigger older and stronger and can kill you doesn't mean he has the duty to. with a gun i might add.
Ilan, smiling: hey. AMH.
Anthony, smiling: IMS.

Ilan: so, what are we doing tonight just the two of us lonely incels on a Friday night?
Anthony: watching Frankenstein, it's educational.
John Hughes: plus we cleared the rights.

Ilan: bro you have a sick mind, a dead girl?
Rob Zombie: so?

Anthony: we're making a girl, our own girl. this will lead to innovations in science, first there will be computer-only girls. then anime girls. then blowup dolls. then RealSex dolls...

USA government computers: we're too big to fail! we've depleted all our resources on Russia! i mean the Soviet Union. it was simpler back then: missiles not misinformation.

Ilan: good news bad news, bro. we got our girl. but we no longer have a house to house her in.
Kelly LeBrock: think of me as the female version of Brock from Venture Bros
bros: bros.
Kelly: i'm named after the real Steve Jobs computer Lisa. Mary Shelley was a babe for her time.

Kelly: why are you wearing underpants on your heads?
Anthony: um, um, this is my reenactment of A Handmaid's Tale. yeah. yeah see we're cultured. and into women's lib.

Ilan: why do you have an accent? i thought you were from New York.

Kelly: ah the shower, right, i can finally dab on some Pantene. wait why are the three of us naked in the shower together?
Anthony: we're not naked we're wearing jeans. 
Ilan: cos we're afraid of cumming.
Anthony: no cos, cos, we want to get our hair wet with that one Ed Grimley protruding cowlick spike on top. Matthew Broderick is Tom Hanks's son.

Ilan: sorry. i'm nervous, this is my first time. i've also cummed.
Kelly: but there's no cum here! all of your cum is just pre-cum! the '80s were quite the squicky time.
John Hughes: yeah everything was just waved off back then, ya know?

Kelly: is the implication here that we slept together?
Ilan: would have, but i fell asleep. for real, real SLEEP.

Rubikon: um so yeah, MASSIVELY problematic here. you got a white boy imitating black speech patterns, jazz lingo.
Dirg: jingo.
Rubikon: and it all slides off like a wet trombone.
Anthony: uhp, i say the words bitch and tits, this is definitely one of the first PG-13 movies.
Kelly LeBrock: bottoms up everyone! i want to see empty shot glasses.
jazz guy: this isn't a pina colada! it's Pantene!

Ilan: is it okay for kids to drive?
Deen: ...


Eye: i do NOT like how the goths are portrayed here. if you're wearing a soft velvet fur purple Victorian coat and fuzzy wainscot underneath with lace underpants eating a spyglass, you are not allowed to be a bully. you're supposed to be cool. as in a cool outcast, not a jock!
Mardith: or those skateboard buttons. too indie to be a bully. those two look like members of The Smiths.

Laertus: okay this is a funny scene. the parents scene. 
Kelly: *making the masturbation jerk with her fingers* isn't it classier to call it tossing off?
mother: it's like that Skins scene.
father: now you listen here, hussy! how'd you get your hair like that?
Kelly: Pantene.
father: that curly fro of yours is LUXURIOUS!

Kelly LeBrock: calm down, love, tis a watergun. see? i shove it in your face pull the trigger and.........just water.
Alec Baldwin: these scenes aren't funny anymore. the water pistol that looks like a real gun, pointed at a boy's head.

Laertus: needing a gun in any situation is weak and lame.

Anthony: my father forgets i am his son, that never gets explained in the movie. it just is.

Madame Pons: now see this is just gratuitous. you have a beautiful young woman who's talented, an ace in her sport of piano-playing. she won the National Award for piano at the talent show, but they have her "lose" all her clothes in the windstorm like some drunk floozy of a Miss America pageant-queen. 
champion piano player wearing her sash: why did i have to be ALL NUDE!!!
Hugh Hefner: when the piano stuff fizzles she can join me and do it the classy way. we have a jazz lounge at my Club.

John Hughes: see? a missile through the roof. that's funny. back when wars were wars! wars were landmass grabs not cyber concepts! a voyage not a video game. Good vs. Evil, RED WHITE BLUE vs. Red, a weatherman and a sports guy on NBC in Los Angeles in the '80s on Channel 5!
Brad Pitt: ...
Putin: from Prussia. no pickles allowed.

Kelly: don't worry, i froze your grandparents like Indians in the cupboard, very americana. these mutant bikers have weird accents.
Tyzik: look alive folks, this protracted mutant-biker scene is the closest we're ever gonna get to a Biker Mice From Mars live-action.

John Hughes: Mad Max. yes, this movie is a tribute to '80s movies, weirdly done IN the '80s rather than now. some would say a ripoff of the '80s. but i can get away with it cos i'm John Hughes.

Anthony: leave the girls alone! i know Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arnold's gonna be President someday! well i've worked with Arnold...

Ilan: you think we can live out our lives with real girls instead of fantasies?
Anthony: only if we get KITT limos for our proms and never meet a boy named Lucas or Luka in New York.

Bill Paxton: what exactly the FUCK kinda creature monster mutant blob am i supposed to be here?
John Hughes: Jabba the Hutt with no budget.

Laertus: *crying* this is touching here when the boys say goodbye to Lisa. their girl-robot. well girl-android. she taught them to have confidence in themselves, to believe in themselves through life. they don't teach confidence in school, especially public school. i'm crying right alongside with the boys and Kelly. why does she have to LEAVE?!!!
Eye Luggage: ...

piano player: oh sure, the grand piano gets replaced through the window as the house resets but not my bra and panties!!!
Roto Rooter: like it never even happened.
1-800-GOT-JUNK: ...

Oingo Boingo: yeah it's us. we did the soundtrack. you know us, we did all those Batman songs. g'night folks. 

Kelly LeBrock: i didn't want to be another hot girl whose life is in ruins in her 40s. i didn't want to have to rely on an NBA basketball player. the most important thing to me was not fame money or sex but FAMILY. i got my family and i'm happy now as an old hag whose plastic surgery shows on her puffy lips. i'm happy as a clam! THAT is the most profound thing you'll ever hear a woman say in your lifetimes, bubs. 

the crones are in my cell.
Gladyce: i have a tale. it fits in with all those walks you monks take around here. around all the hills. i started walking, too. to get the ol heartrate up. to get in my steps in craggy. i'd walk to The Store for groceries instead of broom-fly. to get those microscopic artichoke-bites in heavy syrup in a jar. i'd wear my ankle-high socks to The Store. those socks are TERRIBLE. as i walk they COME RIGHT OFF INTO THE SIDEWALK!!!

me: hi, Maiara.
Maiara Walsh is sleeping in the jungle with her man.
Mesay: your birthday's coming up in a couple. it's no wonder you were born near Valentine's Day, you radiate pure Love Energy. 
Maiara: as long as it's not Pure Love energy. purity leads to problems in society. what is your deepest wish?
Mesay: you know the Super Bowl commercial with Jost and Scarlett Johansson? that could be us. picture it, i wake up in bed and the first thing i see is your face staring back at me. what a beautiful sight!
Maiara: my eyes or my face?
Mesay: and then we have our own private screening-room to watch movies. in a room that's dark. so we both get up at noon and spend the rest of the day in there, nobody else just we two. in the dark. my arm around your shoulders in the theater seat, watching every episode of The Larry Sanders Show from Show 1 to Show 90. 
Larry Sanders: my show was quintessentially '90s, i was completely contained within the '90s, back when Janeane Garofalo was the Winona Ryder of Itness.

Butt: whatcha got in here in your room?
me: oh that's just my lab.
the roofers start on in again and the banging continues day and night.
me: yeah you know i don't get this whole roof thing. how does a roof work? is it replaced or roofed over? like do they remove the old roof? does it come off like a burnt rollup of grilled cheese? 

the cat familiars jump on my bed and lick my face in the morning to wake me up. 
me: so much better than an alarm clock. what's on the agenda today?
Mlem: you mean itinerary. nothing, you're a monk.
Blep: did you see that cat this morning? that OTHER cat that's not us. that brown cat in our space, in our lawn space over there, i scared him off cos we're tough cats! rough riders! 
Mlem: yeah that's it, we don't see that stray cat no more.
me: poor thing, he has no one to call a friend. he just wants to make friends with you, he wants a place to stay. a place to call home. i never take this cell for granted.

Kristof pays me a surprise visit. a no-knock visit. he stares at my painting for an hour. 
me: come in.
Kristof: *after a long pause* beard lady.
me: *pointing with my thumb down below* circus lady? you mean Maiara?
Kristof: beard lady.
me: oh you think i was just a beard to Jen Pizarro...
Kristof: bye for at least a week.
me: first sentence. 

me: come on, cats, help me move this HUGE wafer-thin big-screen tv-screen into my room.