Friday, October 29, 2021




* Kenneth Branagh in a nearby castle at Belfast: i've never won an Oscar???!!! COME ON!!!

* Jack Tripper: i'm gonna try that trick next time, dress up as my date's best girl friend and enter her house by introducing myself to her parents...

* Phoenix: i'm wearing the greatest Halloween costume ever, my prom dress.
Lucio Rossi: but i thought you never went to your prom.
Phoenix: i didn't. this is the only way for me to experience what a prom is like. i'm gonna win the contest cos everyone else will be in Squid Game gear, how can you choose?

* Mozart's Ghost at the new KQED PBS studios in San Francisco: now THIS is a plum part to play!

* overheard in Live Oak: mothers driving cars off cliffs, rats in the soda fountain, welcome to Florida, put your phone up...

* Legends of Chima: we're like Beastars but safe for your kids

* Walmart
mom at dinnertable: we can't make this racist joke anymore, son. haven't you seen A Christmas Story?
son at dinnertable: but i was just pretending to be a walrus.
Phoenix: on a sidenote, i've forgotten how to have joy in my life...

* Google Pixel 6
dad: if you learn but one lesson from me about life, son, it's this: men cry.
Ryan Gosling: seeing this one life flash before our eyes i'm reminded of that The Midnight video i did for La La Land...
dad: i'll teach you how to dress.
son: dad that's not how to tie a tie. 
dad: son, this sounds weird but trust me, dress only in Shakespearean frills, you will get ALL the chicks. well all the chicks who matter, only the drama chicks are worth it.
dad: son, never have your first kiss at a diner, it never ends well. unless it's Mel's Diner.
filmed in Pacific Grove!

* Google Pixel 6: yes but can we just automatically download updates without informing the user...

* Ally
Phoenix: unrealistic, man in my shirt would never be able to operate a lawnmower, i'm not handy.
girl rock-singer in a garage: if anyone can bring back plaid, it's Cobain.
dentist: got a sweet tooth, kid?
kid: you're giving me a root canal on Halloween Night, this is as spooky as it gets.
dentist: remember, kid, THE WATER FLOSSER EXISTS.
ice cream truck: here, kid, try this hot dog made entirely of plants...
identical twin: be thankful we can blow out birthdays candles again.
Jack Tripper: more men are taking up community-college knitting classes on the weekend since Tom Daley.
grandma: i use creepy dolls with Diana trains as my toilet-paper-roll holders. they pay for my tats.
ballet dancer on the streets: i was in that 1980 movie Fame...
gay couple: we knew we'd make it, we're two fat old gay dudes who look like Kurt Cobain.
gay couple in therapy: we knew we'd hit a rough patch, we were the first lesbians in Berkeley.
eventually everyone stars in Nomadland...
it's a degree from Berkeley Online University
ceremony by the lake: we love you, dad, you're dust now but eventually you'll be the surface of Planet B.
Sally: my name is actually Lucy, i got a football-shaped head...

* TikTok
Martha Stewart: there's no hole here.
Rachael Ray: um, yes there is, this hole is where i'm staying since my ranch-mansion burned down.
Martha Stewart: i was hoping to use this hole for me and Snoop.

* SoFi
we didn't ask you to dance, we asked you to paint the subway purple.

* better movie title for Say Anything than Say Anything:
The Boombox
The Boom
best title: Smalltown Serenade


tomorrow: Ghost Pepper Nuggets from Burger King, are they really that hot?...


Wednesday, October 27, 2021



Doryce: i'd rather wear a stinky T-shirt without sleeves in the hamper than a clean long-sleeved shirt
Madame Pons: i'd rather not wear fur.
Greg LeMond: i've never taken off my yellow jersey.

Greg LeMond: i'm on to you, Lance Lear. i know all your secrets. i know you're a liar and a thief, a regular Kurt Cobain. a murderer, i know where the bodies are buried.
Lance Lear: where? i mean you're just mad cos i overtook you in fame. after my 4th Tour de France everyone forgot your name. 
Greg: not everyone. just the press.
Lance: just ESPN and Robin Williams. okay then where did i bury i mean hide the bodies?
Greg: underneath my yellow jersey won by skill not drugs.
Lovato: what do we do, daddy. this guy's tough! 
Hampshire: what do we do, dad? this guy means business! he's a formidable businessguy!
Floch: perhaps father once again maybe this is the reckoning for you i've been talking to you about, wrote a scroll about it out now at Waldenbooks before Waldo got lost on his chivalric journey. when Barnes was a noble. you really just need this you know?
Lance: whatever i do i don't want you girls involved. i'm still thinking, the crank fires up my synapses.
daughters: bicycle crank?
Lance: for the first time in my life i'm scared. and i don't know what to do. i'm out of answers. but i gotta do something.

Alex Hirsch: for the first time ever i'm doing an adult animated series. i'm scared. i don't know how to draw sex scenes. sure i've seen a lot of Gravity Falls porn in my time but that stuff was sick.

Power Rangers: i feel bad for the new cast, they grew up watching the original show with Trini dreaming one day of starring in their own season of the legendary continuum. but their season is never going to broadcast on tv, it's only streamed online.

Joan Chen: remember me? everyone forgot about me.

James A Michener: i did all the tires on all the bikes. I was the one who predicted Bump! i've always hated the Electoral College!

Melissa Dunphy: this isn't a fad, i've had naturally silver hair since birth, i was asked to join Silverchair to reboot the band.

Dirg: who is that hot blonde judge who keeps popping up on all my online ads?
Judge Judy: ...

Adele: McDonalds said i could only do an advert for them if i was Skinny Adele.

Mardith: Paris Jackson invited me to her moon ritual, i'm taking her to the Moulin Rouge in Paris which she couldn't see the first time she was there cos of security. i'm helping Paris get over her disappointment in Marilyn Manson...

Dirg: can you be shy if you're macho?

Nandi Bushell: i will be your kids' leader. i will be your kids' savior. we are determined to be NOTHING like you. we are determined to be KIND and HOPEFUL.

Elianas Apothecary: we trained Madame Pons so we can train you, too!

nap dress: it's not for sleeping...

Dirg: come on let's go! finally there's a Hollywood red-carpet premiere that's not in Hollywood! Dune is premiering right now down the dirt street in Marina where it belongs!
Laertus: more like Done. i finally realize why i never read or watched Dune, my brain was protecting me, it's Republican sci-fi.
Ryan Gosling: while you're at it can i go back to playing quarterback for the Rams?

Tove Jansson: i was born in the wrong era, i shoulda been born on the track on Mount Olympus.

Madame Pons: the newest exhibit at the Monterey Bay Aquarium is Into The Deep.
Adele: i'm skinny now so no jokes about me being a whale.
Merlin: i remember when it was the Mount of Ray Fishery, just a place for college eggheads to read scrolls and huff seeds with moat owls. later it was Mount of Rey when the French fans of Monty Python in BDSM chainmail conquered the parking lot.
Dirg: did you see that researcher from India with the sleeper tits under her olive scratchy sweater? yep, with tits like those she's got a rock on her finger...

Dirg: sorry Medicare, no old white motorcycle man with a long white Gandalf beard in black leather jacket would wear a mask to see the doctor.
Jacques Pepin: potato jacket is the only jacket i want for my green moneyless utopia PBS world. and while you're at it, old man, quit eating potato salad, it just makes your butthole itchy. 

Bastian Bux: i'm not related to Daddy Warbucks. can you really be a Christian and like The Neverending Story?

Dirg: do not go to Woking Park...


your hand in mine

Fena stole that lyric from us.

Fena and Yukimaru are on the beach by the pirate ship:
Yukimaru: a better ending would have been if i had been knocked unconscious by the Sword and wake up on the beach with 100% amnesia no memories of who i am whatsoever but something in my head niggles me, urging me on to search for something, someone, at a mysterious place in a cove called Eden...

Bones Day/No Bones Day: only applies to John Hughes

Rebecca Stair: no primal heavy-metal song can soothe the pain. everyone you worked with, even Puck from Real World, is with you.

Julie Brown: valley fog disrupting the set of Earth Girls Are Easy, that's why that movie was so weird.

Kristen Bell: i get One of Us Is Lying, there were times when my husband was young i wanted to kill him. metaphorically of course.

Stephen A Smith: the ESPN Christmas party gonna be hella awkward this year when i bump into Max Kellerman at the green punch bowl. 

DemerBox: i look like Trent Reznor...

Daniel Craig, redfaced: a gay James Bond? i already do that when i'm not making movies...

Halyna Hutchins: i would have been the female Steven Spielberg...

Kierkegaard: this is why i never had kids...

at The White Castle since renamed The Oval:
Olivia Rodrigo: what's with the shoehorn?
Biden: i didn't want you falling offstage like that hair-metal guy cos you got slippery shoes. i used to know a Vince but he shamwowed my sweet Jaguar-hoodornament ride. i used to have long hair when i was VP.  
Olivia Rodrigo: i'm a singer not a dancer, Mr. President.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Cynthia Wood: call me Cindy. there was a prequel to Van Nuys Blvd, all of us as teens in khaki shorts at our first job at Raging Waters in San Dimas getting high off altered Coke cans on top of slides and tree branches caught in the slides.
Alice In Chains and Riki Rachtman at Action Park: we were born in the wrong era...

Eye Luggage: Bicycle Thieves and go.
Ebert: or is it The Bicycle Thief?
Siskel: shut up, Rog.

RGF: no worries, mate, we're still the Romanian gymnasts you knew and loved in the '80s. the 1680s. we're not the Russians. and we're certainly not the Huns.
Curly: soitenly.
Lance Lear: i don't trust you. i don't trust nobody, i'm sweating over here it's a lot of pressure to keep control over all the tracts of land i have, i lose track of my tracts.

Lucio Rossi: hello. 
Pat: I'VE MISSED YOU, BEST FRIEND! my first best friend, primo amico.
Lucio: i've been slumming it inside the nave of St. Cyril of Jerusalem church in Encino, where else?
Pat: how are the old haunts? i miss my home.
Lucio: and by home you mean Jen Pizarro. i pretend the church is a pub and i drink beer in there.

Lamberto Maggiorani: you'd think i would have been the Italian Humphrey Bogart after this, but tragically this was my only real part, i'm not really an actor i'm a real person who needs work. and i never got work. i died penniless this being my only role of note.

Lianella Carell: same here. i was supposed to become the Italian Marilyn Monroe after this but niente. this was my first film role. and my last.
Sophia Loren: scuse, miele, i took all your parts.
Steve Carell: ... 

Marty Scorsese: THIS is what i mean, more THIS FILM. we don't need Brad Pitt as Thor. btw my name Scorsese is so full of grandeur, i was MEANT to be a director! that name flows off the tongue as the bookmark inside an African tome in the library of the Toto video and deserves to be in lights! that name is either a director or a professor. don't make me Italian-curse you by slapping my fingers a certain way.

Dirg: this is gonna be boring, there are no special effects.

Antonio: it was that second baby on the bed, did me in, i could have supported my famiglia my wife and son but that second baby made me a thief.
Christina Ricci: that second baby was me...
Mowgli swings by looking for Tarzan.

Pat: who was that on that advertising bill? Gena Rowlands or Gina Lollobrigida?
a woman pops out of the poster. it's Jennifer Pizarro.
Pat: JEN!!!
Jen: better talk fast, talk to me quick before it's too late, i'm disappearing before your eyes.
Pat: what's going on? are you dead? are you a ghost?
Jen: no. but in a way, yes. we're in a sidequel. anything else pressing you want to tell me before i'm gone forever?
Pat: i will be talking to you the rest of my life. and i won't receive answers to my queries from you until i become a ghost.
Curly: at least use the Three Stooges paste.

Maria: use my dowry sheets, i'll cut them up with my nails which are real metal scissors. we don't need bedsheets, we fuck naked.
Antonio: stai zitta, Maria! we can't say that in 1940!

Geoffrey the Giraffe: this bike shop looks exactly like a Toys R Us in the '80s.

Antonio: THIEF! AFTER THAT MAN ON THE BIKE! i'm giving chase in a car yet i'm not able to outrun him...

Michael Weiss eating a whole pizza: hey actors on that cramped underground clay stage, i know you're renegades and everything, but fascism is NOT the answer!...

Antonio: the serial numbers don't match. they match my prison tats but not the ones on the bike crank. hey i stole a loaf of bread to feed my kid!
drug dealer: this ain't Paris, pal!


Laertus's dad: this church was modeled after St. Cyril's.
Vittorio De Sica: we had to reshoot that church scene with everyone in the pews so many times cos everyone kept laughing cos the little boy kept calling the altar boys fig-eaters.
Montgomery Burns: sic the hounds!
Vittorio: no. 
Codrus: not even the chihuahua?
Cotard: you know the Roman Catholic processional here is about the same as the one in 2021, i find that comforting.

Dirg: brothels in 1940 were filled with women who were just kinda-hot and all covered up.

thief: cops? there are no police in Italy! have you seen our feral-cat problem? everything human is handled by street justice. and men in second-storey scalloped windows that open out like Beauty and the Beast.


Antonio: let's have a meal here at the trattoria, son. and pretend we don't exist.
Bruno: i have a tough-guy's name even tho i'm a boy. 
Antonio: got any money?
Bruno: no i haven't sold any shoes to Olivia Rodrigo. i'll ask this annoying rich kid at the table next to me, he's the Doug to my Stewie. by rich i mean middle-class.

Lance: i won the very first Tour de France here in Italy cos back then nobody knew how to ride a bike on a soccer field's grass, only i knew about grass. 

Antonio: you stay distracted watching the soccer match while i steal this bike.
Bruno: i'm not watching this game, it's boring, there's no Messi. the Hand of Fuerza was cool tho, cos the hand was so dainty and delicate.

Laertus: POWERFUL moment here. this is what everyone keeps talking about. the look on Antonio's face is well-acted, his fear, abject fear of turning into a monster, knowing he's gonna become the thing he most despises, cos he has no choice. he's gonna steal a bike, too. his indecision, pacing back and forth, weighing the morals of it in his head, not knowing what to do, hedging and wondering if he has an out, masterful.
Eye: perfect, honey.

Eye Luggage: POWERFUL moment here, THIS is the scene! the boy crying as the authorities try to take his father away from him, he holds onto papa's hand for dear life! he doesn't utter any dialogue, the boy's tears of fright say it all. but if i was scripting this i would have had the boy say:

boy: i don't care what they say, papa! i will never stop loving you. let the world call you a thief, i know you did it for me. you're not a ladro who hid in the laundry truck. YOU DID IT FOR ME AND I LOVE YOU!!! let's run, papa, let's run away to mama!!! run away and escape this cruel world!!!

but instead they slow-walk it in a breadline at the end for dramatic effect.
Laertus: perfect, honey.

lead singer of Hum: now THAT's a your hand in mine. g'night folks. time for me to hit the buffet, as you can see i eat a lot.

Lucio: Enzo Staiola the boy Bruno was modeled after me, my demonstrative mannerisms when i was at St. Cyril's, i was a precocious kid, math was my best subject. g'night folks.
Enzo: i never found other work either.........i became a real-life bicycle messenger.

Gorton Fisherman looks around the planky pier then bumrushes it to the other corner to steal a bike tied to a post with a chain-link mooring. he gets a few feet but the pier is wet from surf and he slips on his boots.
Kyle: pop you don't have to steal for me.
Gorton: oh son, i thought i could strip this bike for parts and reassemble it to form you.
Kyle: i know but that wouldn't be me, pop, that'd be a Jetsons maid robot. sometimes you just have to feel your feelings, be frisky like a scared cat.
Kyle hugs his dad scratching his old sailor white beard now grey then gray. this act of affection nut-taps Gorton's heart.

Lance Lear: i know what i must do.........
Greg LeMond is in a hospital bed weak from fluids and beeps.
Greg: what did you do to me? 
Lance: had to, you were my greatest adversary. my greatest roadblock. you know those 3 Taco Bell tacos you ate to commemorate your 3 Tours de France won fairly?
Greg: yeah. they were delicious. i was so proud of that contract, because of me there's a Tour de Mexico now.
Lance: i replaced the Doritos Locos Tacos with a blue shell.
Greg: but Doritos have NEVER had a blue-corn chip. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lance: that's not the blue pill you were wanting, that's bleach.
Greg's face starts sweating out Mexican spices and he is near-death. he holds hands tenderly with Lance's fists as Lance leans in to his bedside for Greg to whisper something in Lance's ear:

Greg: see you in hell, buddy. 


Monday, October 25, 2021



a bumpy train ride is ideal, but only if you look out your window and see French vineyards 

1. what's for breakfast? Cinnabon in the Simpsons kitchen. there's a very specific thing i want that this kitchen has, Marge has three triangular ceramic bowls each smaller as it goes up attached to each other with red string of fate held together by a strong iron Highlander chain-link to the cracked ceiling. i need this. my triangles would contain the following:

biggest triangle: eggs
middle triangle filled to the brim of the saucer rim with Mocha Mix
smallest triangle: K cups of Gevalia Colombian Roast 

2. three words you don't want to hear during sex:

i'm not Jen (or Jenny or Jennifer, any combination of this)

3. stupid shit you shouldn't do but do anyway, list two:

eat Big Macs
go on facebook

4. one thing you love to hate:

this is tricky cos when you hate something you're only giving it more power. so i'm just gonna go with my go-to on these kinds of questions: Gargamel

5. today is a great day for ____

Lou Reed

Friday, October 22, 2021




* hope, it's all we've got

* i love that Maya wears high heels

* Abel: i don't know where i am right now. but don't believe the rumors about Damien Darkblood, he's a nice guy just doing his job...

* Domino's: it's the same stale pizza. but you can dip it in apple sauce now!

* Taco Bell
teen girl: that kiss was nice. but i'm a girl who's a slave to the Mexican spices. i choose Taco Bell over you.
teen boy: my school doesn't allow me to have long hair anymore. since when does a buoy out to sea BONG the Taco Bell BONG? a buoy doesn't make that sound.
teen girl: you'll get over me. you'll move on to something else to hate.
teen boy: you're right, the first time i saw this commercial was that Legends of the Hidden Temple reboot...

* Pizza Hut
Craig Robinson: i'm a pineapple guy now? i'm a pineapple guy now!
woman chef: don't get any ideas, the only cum i know the taste of is my husband's.

* Barry White: if i had eaten more Applebee's steaks in my life i'd be alive today.

* Safelite: we fixed your window, give us the apple.
couple: nah, tis a ginger gold apple only suitable for Darken Rahl's tastebuds.

* Billie Eilish: i won't ruin Star Wars like Rey did...

* Microsoft
Takahashi: oh man this smarts. now i don't have an excuse. i can't just say i'm a lousy pro gamer cos it always glitches when i play.

* conspiracy theorist: see? the Earth is not made of cheese, it's made of tennis ball.
Dirg: right?
conspiracy theorist: i want you to sleep overnight in that sleeping bag tent precariously hanging by a thread over the edge of a cliff. aren't the 4D renders of what is supposedly outside breathtaking! the scenery is well-done. i want to see if sugar-water will keep the pup tent stuck to the rockface.    
Dirg: views.

* granddaughter: grandma i got you these scalloped glasses!
grandma: so this is my reward for surviving 3 World Wars? what do you do with your life, granddaughter?
granddaughter: not much. 
grandma: let me tell you about the time i slow-cruised down Van Nuys Blvd in the late '70s... 

* Antonelli's Cheese Shop
wife: hi i run Antonelli's Cheese with my husband. service with a smile. except Jerry, we do not let that vile mouse near our confines. we had a threeway with Tom after a double-bass serenade and some non-paired wine.
husband: if you want to work for us and you're a woman you must be tatted...

* Toyota
parents: before our children turn into furries.

* Kate McKinnon: don't tell Lorne but i like doing these Verizon spots better than SNL. no pressure, nice and chill.
Lorne Michaels: that's okay, when we need a Rudy Giuliani we just have James Austin Johnson impersonate you impersonating Rudy. 
James Austin Johnson: when i had a young face i was trying to be Joe Pera. but i'm bigger than Joe Pera now. both physically and starwise. i've moved on from Christian comedy, i don't need Jesus anymore i got MONEY!!!!!! Sam Seder is a poor man's Marc Maron...

* Baker Mayfield's wife: this marriage ain't gonna last if you keep doing these commercials. why did you put hot nacho cheese in the kids' Halloween bags!
Baker Mayfield: sorry i thought the nacho-cheese was cold, it's cheaper than slime. 
wife: you're not gonna get away with this when the older kids start coming around at midnight in their Squid Game gear.

* Geico gecko: i don't need a nude beach to party, The Riddler was based off me, same green, i'm down for whatever, animals are born naked and born atheists...

* groom: dad, tell me how to tie a bow-tie.
dad: watch this youtube video from a stranger.
groom: it's not the same.
dad: i thought you liked Joe Pera.
musician: this Samsung's directions made me miss my gig, Samsung is responsible for Infinity Train ending the way it did.
boy: will you go to the prom with me?
deaf girl: it's just a dance, baby steps. proms are too much pressure, i'd rather dance on a pier and eat syrupy ice.
boy: we can go down to the New Jersey Beach Boardwalk! everyone's ugly down there!
lead singer of Imagine Dragons: want to know how to know if she's the one? divorce her.........then look into her eyes as you're signing the divorce papers...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Wendy's for HOT FRIES!!! never cold, never soggy, always hot, always crispy.........unless it rains

Wednesday, October 20, 2021



Diana Taurasi: so what? that's cool on my part. i broke down a door cos i was mad we lost. that's a character asset. not my assets. would you rather i not give a shit and take my money and go home?  i've been breaking down doors since jump. there weren't a lot of girls who looked like me growing up. or were me on the polished wood. Van Nuys is the porn capital of the world. Taurus is a good car.
Madame Pons: The Scented Market, it's not worth it. who wants a soap that smells like grandma? go to LUSH instead where our doors are made with only the finest rosewood that smells so good you'll forget you're so angry you take it out on a rose.

Robin Williams is looking forlorn. more than usual. his puppy-dog eyes betray a cat's sour demeanor. he hangdogs it barely moving his munchkin body along the cobbles of Hollywood Blvd. past the kiosks selling keys to the stars' homes, the Mexican vendors of exotic horned fruit who will always be more savvy than their American corporateparts, the one thin tree in a cylinder cage, and that one moment to spot the sidewalk rainswept for one hour.

Robin Williams: i am sad. this is different, i'm over the Popeye thing. i don't know how much longer i can go on. i can't take it anymore. i'm so fucking tired. Marc Maron really fucked with my head.

Lovato: what's wrong, Robin? want me to take you back to Nanu? they know me over there.
Robin: the name of the planet is Orson.

Hampshire: what's wrong, Robin? i got a lot of celebrities i can call.
Robin: but they're not superheroes.

Floch: want me to drive you somewhere, Mr. Robin? i've been told i'm a good chauffeur.
Robin: i'm not into cars. i like to walk places, on grass like Link, but there's no grass in Los Angeles.

Lance Lear: what's wrong, Robin?
Robin: i don't want to see you, you make me sad.

Roger Ebert: i need that Roc facial cream, i want to look plumper.

Laertus to Dirg: when YOU take a mental health break, I take a mental health break cos that means less work for me.

Andy Roddick: you're getting pretty good in that announcer chair. 
Genie Bouchard: thank you but i don't want to get TOO good here.
Andy Roddick: oh honey that ship has sailed, that dream is dead, take it from me, your playing days are O-V-A OVER.
Genie Bouchard: wanna jazz at a secret nightclub that's under a Vancouver waterfall? let's both promise not to tell our spouses, both of them are on ice at the moment.
Andy: only if we both eat the same amount of cum with our steak.
Genie: i got the two vases right here. fucking in Canada is done with hoses. i promise if you promise, you know what to do.
at dinner Andy fans his napkin from the silver ring, dabs both corners of his mouth, dips the napkin in a saucer of hot maple syrup, dabs both corners of his lips, and pinkie-swears through the strings of Genie's rosewood racquet.

Jordan Larson: did you really have to get my bad side, Wikipedia? the pic of me with my armpit hair?

Ventura Blvd: sure Van Nuys Blvd is great, but have you ever been to the last concrete corner on the intersection? do YOU have Ameci pizza? no pineapple here only spoota. the only pizza in the world that comes to you whole and heart-shaped.

The Lodge at Pebble Beach: when the Queen of England's hunting lodge burns down under mysterious circumstances...

John Waters: Steve Buscemi is my long lost brother. mom didn't like what Steve was doing and disowned him, he became a wayward hitchhiker. to rebel Steve Buscemi became an actor instead of a director...

The Premise: we're the REAL modern-day Twilight Zone.

Pebble Beach Market: we look like a monastery.
Codrus: thanks for ruining it.

Cotard: the mascot of Obec High School is a giant Friar Tuck with a tonsure who takes out the trash.
Codrus: yeah but in a wheelie bin.

Cotard poring over scrolls for his job at Wikipedia: when in doubt, the word means "river"...

Dresdner: cooler than Dresdener

Mlem and Blep: we have GOT to do something about that cobblestone in front of the Petco at Del Monte Centre. we roll our cart on that cobblestone outside and it makes such a racket, hurts the ears of our poor fellow animals inside just trying to have a groom and a bubble bath not caring about two big jugs of kitty litter.

Eye Luggage: Spirit Halloween is simply THE place for kids to go, where ALL the kids party, goth and non-goth alike.

Mardith: One of Us Is Lying, the blonde is the killer, her first words when dude dies were

i thought it was an accident

how did she know it was an accident?
Dirg: don't be hatin on her just cos she's blonde.

Sharon Stone to Jonah Hill: hey, at least people aren't talking about your minge. for the next 30 years.

Codrus: GIVE THE MAN LAST RITES!!!!!!!!!! i mean what's the point of being Catholic your whole life then?

Kent boy > rentboy

James Austin Johnson: i have a little band called Hum, it's just a sideproject.

Paul McCartney: okay, i'll do a blues cover with your band. how about "Brown Sugar"?
Mick Jagger: um, nevermind.
Kurt Cobain: ...

Gladyce: for years i thought getting a bigger pan would be better. but actually the tiniest circumference of the circle cooks the hash browns better. smaller circle cooks more evenly.
Doryce: same is true of friends.

Rami Malek: i'd be a better Eddie Munster than you.
Rob Zombie slaps his forehead.
Ben Stiller: not now, Rami man, i'm still in mourning.
Rami: this isn't the Clinton Administration anymore, man, you gotta move on.
Ben: you're a malign influence on me and the world. you made James Bond quit. you look weird when you act, you shut your mouth back into place after every line said like a Chuck E Cheese robot. 

Dirg: Net Zero is an Illuminati circle.
Laertus: no it's just a triangle.

Dirg: if you're in a girl's Instagram Stories EVERY SINGLE DAY, is that caring or stalking?

Jodie Whittaker: female James Bond? we already did that over here.
Gal Gadot: it's pronounced Gal Gadeaux.

London Shard: we're better than those French Kingdom pinots.

the pirate ship temporarily transforms into the jalopy from Beverly Hillbillies:
Jennifer Pizarro: think about it, my dear Patrick, as i caress your face in a temporal sphere, i mean who are the women you normally go for? your entire life they've all been taken or those who lived so far overseas there was no chance of you ever being with them.
Pat: have they?
Jen: take me for example.
Pat: OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! i'm only realizing this NOW. i was trying to get with YOU but you had a boyfriend the whole time! there's something about those that are spoken for, they're actual proven quality people cos other people saw the same thing in them as i do that's why they went for and bagged them.
Jen: not all attractive people get got. YOU are the prime example.
Pat: the only just reward you could ever receive for continuing to live would be for you to find your soul mate.

John Hughes, Peter Griffin, Fena, Abel, Moe, and Maya do a drag race on the water in their respective hearses and paddlecars:

the ghost of John Hughes: i wasn't saying that Peter should NEVER live by the '80s code. just realize that we were having fun back then. i mean drilling a hole in a girls' bathroom is pure fantasy. i never met one woman or black my entire life.
Peter Griffin: i ate one Uncle Buck pancake.  

Fena: i forgive my mom, first love is more important than your own children.
Abel: am i the first bad guy to ever get a happy ending? you'll never know. and i'll never know, was meeting Helena again after so many years a hallucination in my head? that fire i burned up in looked a little more Hell than Heaven...

Moe: my relationship with Maya is the most beautiful thing in television history, it brings tears to my eyes, to reconnect after so many years, we found each other again, that is pure love. it only took 30 years for me to find happiness, some depressed bartenders don't have it so lucky, they don't have animators keeping them alive, they would have killed themselves long ago...
Maya: i'm a little person cos my soul body takes up my big heart that's so big it's as big as the sun which is getting bigger due to climate change.

Eye Luggage: Van Nuys Blvd and go.
Cynthia Wood: TWO WORDS: Cynthia Wood. ONE WORD: me.

Dirg: alright alright alright now i LOVE this movie...
Laertus's dad: OH NO YOU DON'T!!! you aren't gonna turn this into a dialectic on how Van Nuys was better when it was all white and we didn't let in any illegal Mexican immigrants. 
Dirg: it's true tho, there was less crime, the streets were clean, the beaches were open you could still surf...
Laertus's dad: mow my lawn, young man. grow my oranges.
Dirg: pass.
Melbourne slaps some Laertus's dad skin.
Laertus's dad: this is going to be a discussion about MY NOSTALGIA! Van Nuys the town of my youth, born and raised in the '80s, blest glory be.

Cynthia Wood: i'm the star of this cos i will enter your heart the minute you lay eyes on me, men women and The Man. you will fall in love with me cos my face is insane, my body is impossible, my jeans are impeccable, PLUS i'm the nicest most polite woman you'll ever come across, not a rude bone in my clay body. after all the nudity i'm just another hometown girl searching for love.
Dirg: Playboy or Penthouse?, i forgot.
Cynthia Wood: *makes the eeww face* oh, well you're definitely NOT my Prince Charming. Playboy, it makes a HUGE difference later on in careers.
Dirg: man i miss these Crown B-movies, they don't make em like this no more cos they can't. you should appreciate this, Laertus, being the movie guy and all.

Laertus: you know what Dirg, you're right, i DO appreciate the art form here. this is as indie as indie gets. this is basically porn but one step up cos there's an actual plotline, tho the plot doesn't go anywhere. it's not just a scene setup.
Laertus's dad: you watch a lot of porn, son?
Laertus: pass. if i do it's for research purposes only. i get it, i get the appeal. this is what any schlub with a handheld camera and a reel of film dreams. that he can make a movie with bubblegum and scotch tape, with no budget. about nothing. but filmed along a beach so there are no bad days.
Eye Luggage: and somehow snag ridiculously beautiful women to do it. 
Dirg: amateurs, that's the key. they gotta be amateur, first year in the biz just coming up, both meanings.

Tyzik: this is historic tho, these real-life Wacky Races times only lasted for like three years. 
Dirg: yeah see?, the space to clear the strip to drag race, until opening the borders meant closing other avenues. other avenues of fun.
Laertus's dad: i was just born as these hunks and babes were in the primes of their lives so i missed out on this whole scene. would've loved to experience a slow cruise.
Dirg: you're rubbing off on me sir, my weird hatred and fear of cars, it's the slow ride, cars are meant to go fast. i need to go on a cruise, a REAL cruise.

Bobby: before anyone says, yes my idol is Jack Tripper.
Eye: i mean look at the gawjuss naked woman in your bed right now in your little nothing small town, Bobby. why would you want to leave THAT?! do you really think you'll get better-looking pussy than HER?
Bobby: it's true. what was i thinking? it was a huge risk, a big gamble.
Michael Weiss naked with one-hair chest and gold chain: btw, the great mystery of this film is WHERE exactly is your podunk town, Bobby? what city do you come FROM to go to Van Nuys?
Rubikon: it'd be better if it were a Dakota than if it were Central California...
Jack Tripper: the answer is Dune.

Bobby: the central tenet remains, however, that a man needs to leave his small town to go to the city to GROW in all 17 facets.
Dirg: no, Bobby, rethink rethink, you have everything you need living in the dusty gas station.

Laertus's dad: where was THIS Van Nuys when i was growing up? i don't remember the naked hippies in the back of the van streaked with psychedelic paint thrusting inbetween sips of Mountain Dew and bites of In N Out burger.
Takahashi: my dad told me about these times and these places...
Tara Strohmeier: remember me? i'm that cute chick with the lips who was in that movie all you dudebros should watch in film class if you want to learn about perfecting claymation and other obscure animation styles.
The Colonel: KFC never got a dime of royalties from your movie which is why i died early.
Laertus's dad: where do you go in Van Nuys to meet these naked women? i was just a kid back then, immune to the dirty side of life, happily in innocent bliss at a Chuck E Cheese.
Dirg: it would be changed to an Jack In The Box now cos of In N Out's stance on the vaccine mandate.

William Sachs: the scene destroying the two classic cars was stupid, they were so durable they couldn't be crushed and flattened with lead pipes. we had to call in Michael Jackson to finish the job.
Dirg: American-made. the war with Japan over cars was just heating up here. 

Dirg: nice sex scene with the Prince Harry ginger. tho at first i thought that woman was Caitlyn Jenner in some nice high laced boots. gotta love the fantasy fresco art on the wall.
Laertus: it's Dungeons & Dragons for adults, complete with a rainbow tornado.
Eye: this party scene in the Valley is like a college frat party but with adults. adult-age not college-age.

Dirg: let this be a lesson to all of us: in life we meet our best friends in jail.

Laertus's dad: OH YEAH! MAGIC MOUNTAIN!!! it was Five Flags back then. this was back when Magic Mountain WAS IN VAN NUYS!!!
Mardith: they missed an opportunity, the group should have had a sex scene while they were aboard the rollercoaster. cumming right as they loop. 
Madame Pons: now that's an orgy.
Camille: i'm holy but you're not throwing up in my mouth.

Cynthia Wood: this dancing i'm teaching you may cause you to have an epileptic seizure. 
Bobby: the strobe is strong. i can't take this lighting.
Cynthia: this reminds me of the warning before every episode when i worked in anime.

Raven: OH YEAH! DISCO ROLLER DERBY!!! like we did. boogeying in flared Jordache bluejean bellbottoms and Knicks caps without feeling embarrassed!!
Starfire: it's easier for girls to get on to get along than boys, when it comes to good guys vs. bad guys.

Zass: i'm a cop who lives with his mother. don't emulate me, i'm not supposed to be THAT funny, even tho i'm a good actor. do all cops use their handcuffs for sex? dogs don't like me that's a sign. 
Easy Rider: you are The Man, that's not a compliment.

Rubikon: okay that was funny when Greg accidentally fucked his girl's mom, i gotta admit, i can't hate on this movie wholly, not totally not yet '80s.

Jen Pizzaro: fucking on a boat, the only way to fuck.  
Cynthia Wood: as you suck on and lick and then touch my perfectly-sized breasts as i orgasm i'll sing to you the theme song to Golgo 13 while being naked with nothing on but a headband.
Takahashi: now THAT gets me hot. on top of the general nakedness.

Takahashi: the arcade cabinets sure but the race cars tho! Automotive Autopia! roadster righteousness. those were sweet, ANYONE in the '70s could ride one of those F1s.
Rubikon: and be Lewis Hamilton and have his character which was something in the '70s. 
Laertus's dad: i was born too late, the spaghetti track of asphalt was already being deconstructed.

Greg: i got lockjaw. a strange Greek man who said he was Italian offered me purple onions cos he said they were bitter like all men. i can't pronounce my condition. at this point in the movie everyone is having giggle fits and corpsing like crazy.
Borat: HEY IT'S ME BORAT!!! BORAT IS ME!!! way back here in 1979!

Chooch: i'm the only one with the pornstache so i'm the leader.
Laertus: oh Chooch, you pretend you don't like each other but you're a perfect group of 6 who match perfectly. you're a big softie, Chooch, don't chew gum into your pornstache. hey this is the scene i was talking to you about, the air-hockey scene. i've dreamt of filming this scene all my life, i've written it in my head since i was 6. in my head two people play air hockey at night and existentialize:

Wanda: why do they call you Chooch?
Chooch: cos i like trains which is perfect for this little unknown movie.

cat familiars: pig scene. not the cops, real-life U.S. Acres.

Dirg: see? the drag race at the end, you could only have all that empty space if the Border is closed. really convenient that there are no other vans anywhere in the vicinity of this concrete-jungle highway spaghetti system.
Eye Luggage: of COURSE you give up and crash and crush your van for the girl. this woman is Cynthia Fucking Wood! she's kind and sweet and will hug you warmly.
Madame Pons: unlike a stick-shift.
Cynthia Wood: it would have been funny if we just left Bobby there alone at the end of Van Nuys Blvd. no, we circle back cos love always wins. love is sweet like that.
Bobby: i would have had to take the incline and go up to Santa Monica Blvd. and visit Jack Tripper. g'night, folks.   

Laertus's dad: what my life could have been if Cynthia Wood woulda been my girl. my experience in Van Nuys would have been COMPLETELY different. the two of us would have rented a yellow Rice-a-Roni shag carpet to go with the orange linoleum well into the '80s. and got a tiny dog on a leash! i'd STILL have a unicorn van now! i'd still be shopping at Ralphs with my beads!
Cynthia Wood: there's still time. for all of it. all your dreams. g'night folks. dream of me.

Laertus: dad can you help me film my air-hockey scene?
Laertus's dad: sure. if the actors in it are me and Cynthia Wood. vanploitation in Van Nuys, ain't nuttin' like it, son. g'night folks. 

Dirg: oh if i had a time machine and could go back to the days when girls flashed their boobs to strangers on the road without a second thought to get their attention. that was actually their go-to to get cars and hitchhikers to slow down, as accepted as the thumb. g'night folks.

Patrick Mahomes: we need the Glitter Girls now, our team sucks. g'night folks.

Fuerza: remember, the final scene, the drag-strip lane parade procession. the building that stands out is the Van Nuys Public Library. don't skimp your studies, my children. g'night folks.

Gorton Fisherman tries to enter the theatre again.
Gorton: why are you arresting me THIS time? this isn't a grainy porn it's an arthouse! think Italian Neo-New Wave. think Jack Tripper's id. think the New Jersey Beach Boardwalk but with attractive bodies. 
cop: i'm arresting you cos you brought a drink into the theatre. not allowed. an RC Cola.
Gorton: wait Zalman King you're a cop?!!!

Robin Williams: i stood up for you. i vouched for you. i went on Larry King Live and lied for you. i thought you were the best. i thought you were Superman. but you're just another druggie.
Lance Lear: hey i never took any drug under a bridge downtown, i respect Kurt Cobain too much for that.
Robin Williams: it's too much, first you then Christopher Reeve. Christopher Reeve once raced up a flight of 100 stories of stairs to save me from jumping off a building. he still had the oil in his hair.
Lance: i'm sorry, my friend, but gaylords can't be drummers.
Robin: i don't have a partner i'm not British anymore. my blood has been invaded by a man named Lewis. i forgot about my love: Zelda. i gave my life away for my friends. where i stay? not in my brain. in my head. 

and with that, Robin Williams turns his back to Lance Lear. Robin walks slowly down an empty Hollywood Blvd conveniently without any other people at night, the red leaves kissing him windy. and he is never heard from again.