FRESHMAN LUNCH HOUR, A LESS & DEEN STORY: CHILIOCOSM AT CHILI'S

Deen: can we get our own little table in the dark corner?

Chili's: yes.

Deen: bonzo!!! come in, man.

Less: isn't this place rad? it has its own unique ambiance. atmosphere. it saturates with its sumptuous.

Deen: the dim lighting, never knew Chili's was a date night. i love you, bra, but we ain't fucking.

Less: my good bro there is something in life better than sex: meaning. 

Deen: i really hope this meaning is found in outer space, not Earth. i've always wanted to surf on an ocean of stars.

Degrassi: great, Claude was just elected Prime Minister of Canada. his administration is just gonna be about getting revenge on his enemies...

Cocoon: The Return.

Tahnee Welch: sorry, it's just we aliens find food stupid.

Naruto: not a sex thing, just my Rasengan...

Elaine Stritch: aw, that's sweet, old-person kiss, quick one on the lips, adorable.

Tahnee: according to this blueprint roll, Gilligan is right THERE. hey can you button up your shirt? that's weird.

Steve Guttenberg: sorry. i'm not the guy with the ginger friend in those Sonic commercials. TV dinners and TV, what more does a man need? what more is there to life for a man? this orange glow on my forehead, what is this sensation?

Tahnee: you're the first man ever to experience the female orgasm.

Steve: this is my gauzy family fantasy. i always wanted a corncob pipe like Popeye. 

Bernie: you can all go straight to Hell.

old people: we literally can't, we're immortal...

Jen R: i mean why have a children's park on an island surrounded by four busy city downtown streets? remember the green BEEP BEEP BEEP of the heart monitor in every '80s hospital scene?

Hume Cronyn: you can't die, Jessica Tandy, you have to win the Oscar for Driving Miss Daisy next year!!!

Jessica Tandy: finally a wife makes more than her husband...

me: so damn tired. that's me.

Wilford Brimley: hey son, take this Aerosmith poster down from your bedroom wall, you'll thank me later.

Bastian Bux: my grandpa is my roommate, think about it...

"Mike": when Benihana has to look like Richard Mulligan for American audiences...

Bastian Bux: i'm just letting the director know, this is my first time driving a car...

Less: lucky.

Rose: it's the Golden Girls golf locker room when we met Bob Hope!!!

janitor: Wilford Brimley looks exactly like my pharmacist...

Steve Guttenberg: hey can i keep that Tahnee Welch rubber suit?...

Bastian: i'm too skinny to lift a gate.

Wilford Brimley: son, i am the only man who was able to punch Chuck Norris in the nuts.

Bastian Bux: you travel in outer space in a tear-shaped spacecraft? i got a better ride: Falkor.

Tahnee Welch: bad ending, i should have stayed on Earth for love...

SNL: think about how hardcore the writing has to be WITHOUT the use of swear words?...

Android 18: i got the Code Lyoko forehead...

Suzy Lu cosplaying as Android 18: paracetamol.

Steejo: Vanquish.

Kakashi: senzu bean.

Less: we have to carve out a universe for ourselves, just the two of us, apart from the world's universe.

Deen: especially apart from the seniors' universe. but i'm worried about you, Less.

Less: i'm fine, Deen. 

Deen: why do you like this place so much? why do you come here all the time even without your mom?

Less: they serve all the drinks in schooners. you can't get those tiny sizzling-fajita greystone pestle-and-mortar oval plates at home.

Deen: it's just not a good look when you know that this particular location is the only Chili's locally that serves Aperol Spritz.

Less: i got my art.

Deen: no, man, whenever i call you on the phone you're quick to tell me you're about to jump into another landscape painting, that's no way to live...

BD: it's not a broken heart, it's BD...

me: i get Vietnam flashbacks, i think i hear mom calling me when she's not.

dad: if it's 1:30 AM, that is mom DEFINITELY calling you...

voter: destroy America? no i'm just here for the eggs...

me: i have lucid dreams because someone in this family has to remain lucid.

mom: ...

Trinity: it's Sarah's birthday. well, put more food in my cat bowl in celebration, the celebration of ANY birthday means more better food...

Stephen King: your enemies tell the truth, friends and lovers lie endlessly trapped in the web of duty.........i told you i was a hopeless romantic...

Suzy Lu: if you play your cards right with Melissa Maker, you could end up in a me/Steejo situation where the YouTube star marries her superfan. 

Chad: I was just a regular fan of Melissa Maker...

Kurt Cobain: the word that rhymes with "shame"? no, not came, blame...

Red Dwarf: the show is about getting a life...

MTV: remember those MTV shows in the '90s which would splice grunge music into the storyline when there was a pause in the dialogue?

Dead At 21: the ULTIMATE summer series...

Apple iPhone 16 "Workout" Giraffage commercial: has that unsettling Harmony Korine sheen...

forgot whether you checked the mail?: the mail is in the recycling box...

Deen: it's just, you're gonna find it increasingly difficult to discover a universe of meaning out there that doesn't involve women.

Less: i got my music.

Deen: come on, isn't there ANY TEACHER at school you got a crush on? and you can't say Mr. Maldark, that's a given for both of us.

Less: well there is Mrs. Carter.

Deen: see?

Less: but not because she's pretty, she's pudgy in fact.

Mrs. Carter at a nearby table with her sizzling fajitas: pudgy in fat?

Less: i have a crush on Mrs. Carter because she made me fall in love with archaeology. 

 

 

FRESHMAN LUNCH HOUR, A LESS & DEEN STORY: ITCHY TAILBONE

 

Less: we gotta do something about our social standing at school.

Deen: we do? but it's high school, it's impossible.

Less: have you noticed where the seniors go?

Deen: and the juniors.

Less: at the lunch hour, 12 noon-1 PM, they leave the school premises and go to any fast-food joint at any nearby strip mall!!! it's not fair!!! and it's tasty. we're stuck with the cafeteria lady. who gives them a grounds pass?

Deen: upperclassmen problems. but mostly it's that they have cars. i have a car but you're too scared to drive. and being a friend is more important than being cool.

Less: we can walk!!! and PRETEND we drove to Subway.

Deen: Subway?

Less: that's where they go!!! i see all the seniors there on my unauthorized jailbreaks. isn't that lame?!!!

Subway is Subway. the seniors are there. there are a couple of cute senior girls there too i guess.

Less: whatever we do, don't make a scene. follow my lead. play it by ear.

Deen: Vincent van Gogh chewed my ear off in a dream in the boxing ring, it was a Mike Tyson revenge-dream thing. if i did that, i'd be in the school band, not with you.

before the poor boy has a chance to order the dry sub with the meatballs like chromeballs Less begins to itch like a motherfucker. the poor boy has to remove his shirt in front of everyone, lower his surf shorts, and start scratching his tailbone against the Subway countertop.

Less: *scratching longways like a log of wood* look away from the show, folks. oh FUCK.........my lower back is red now, anybody got any moist ointment?

Deen: well so much for being cool. the problem is you have to be cool for four years. that's a long wait. hey do any of you guys know if the Caliente sauce nextdoor is any good?...

Taylor Palmby: everybody has a crush on me. is it because i'm cute? no, it's because i'm your YouTube therapist who helps you with difficult feelings. it's because i live in New York City, you know? my next boyfriend is so lucky because i'll finally be fucking cured by then, you know? instead of drinking i can yell...

Cocoon: The Return.

Cocoon 2 would have been cooler.

Steve Guttenberg: my name is Tom Hanks and this is Splash...

Bastian Bux: don't worry, mom, i'm just watching an oatmeal commercial...

Bernie: like old times. i think. please let this movie be good...

Wilford Brimley: have i ever been in a sex scene? let's remedy this now...

Jessica Tandy: a Wilford Brimley mustache ride is HEAVENLY.

Jen R: remember when people asked each other "how'd you sleep?" in the '80s?...

Don Ameche: the '80s were the renaissance for old people, old people were the big stars with the rich interior lives: Cocoon, Golden Girls...

Ruby: now THESE are gilf tits. who knew Elaine Stritch was STACKED?

Jen R: "last one in is a rotten egg" only worked at an ocean, not a YMCA pool...

Wilford Brimley: you know, Bernie, you're a real downer. don't try to kill yourself while the rest of the fellas are dipping our wicks.

Jen R: omg i recognize that dude!!! the Miami Vice Scott Baio was my old AYSO coach!!!

Courteney Cox: this is why this research is so important, i'm gonna transform Matthew Perry into an Antarean so he lives forever...

Wilford Brimley: Ted Williams wasn't so tough, i stole his girl when he was at the plate. Lucille Ball, right?

Bernie: big tits can't make up for my dead wife.

Elaine Stritch: next time i kiss you i'll put on my lemon chapstick. i mean who wipes away a kiss? that is so disrespectful.

Bernie: oh i ain't so hot. and all of us at this table died 50 years ago...

Wilford Brimley: that basketball game was fun. i don't have a hip anymore but that basketball game was fun.

scientist: so this isn't a cocoon, it's a chocolate chip cookie.

doctor: your wife is pregnant!!! she's 100 tho, so, you know, i don't know.

Fred Flintstone: shall i pencil you in for Lamaze, too?...

Dawn Brooke: it has to be a natural birth or it doesn't count...

Jen R: we've all done this. struck out 3 times in a Little League game. then we go to our bed to sulk. this only happened in the '80s.

Antarean: i'm not an alien, i'm a magician...

Tahnee Welch: wanna share ourselves?

Steve Guttenberg: was your mom a Latina?

Tahnee Welch: TMI. too much sharing. sharing over.

The Vatican: everywhere you go, speakers piping in monk-chant music, all around all the squares, it's like an immersive Enigma concert...

male Holly from Red Dwarf: why the fuck did i leave the show? what the hell was i thinking? i didn't think the show would become a cult classic? COME ON, MAN. at least i got a cool epitaph out of it...

Honeytta: the Iranian jird, all those pelvic thrusts, that's how i learned to fuck.

me: beautiful, frizzy hair, teaches the kids, AND she watches Red Dwarf?!!! one date? please?

The Pope: let me get the door for you, i want to make sure you're leaving.

St. Francis of Assisi: cold.

Eva Longoria: i'm Pati Jinich but not annoying...

wifi: more precious than gold.

Catholic Church: AT THIS MOMENT we have no pope. it's scary.........and freeing...

date: the best time to go on a date is Saturday afternoon, the woman and the man are both bored at this time...

Thumbelina: one line that'll always work on me: "how about the two of us find the best ice cream in town..."

pickles: they're your salad...

Sherman Oaks Galleria: you never noticed the sunroof...

Trinity the cat: Mimsie was my mother.

Mary Tyler Moore: ...

China: if we were a democracy, we'd REALLY be kicking ass...

mom: i wish instead of my glazed eyes my eyes projected me loving glazed donuts.

me: she's a primadonna patient. a drama queen.

dad: no, she's the patient. YOU must be patient...

Taylor Fritz: i'm no boss. i simply eat the simple ingredients of honey chicken in a burrito in tinfoil. and i apply face cream before each match...

Andy Murray's brother: the daft thing is i didn't get a Chipotle patch on my tennis arm!!! i'm a walking Chipotle sponsorship!!!

Andy Murray: you have to coach mom first...

Night Court "Passing the Bar".

Goose: if Goose from Top Gun had had mozzarella sticks, Tom Cruise wouldn't have had to fish him out of the Chicago River...

Abbot Butt: i'm the new Pope's AI consultant. i know nothing about AI, i'm a monk. a digital monk. i tell the Pope that computers are evil, Sailor Moon is sinful, and Nintendo is bad. Apple, don't touch the stuff. i mean that Conclave we just had was WILD. Micronesia, who knew?...

Jen R: meet someone nice, change your life.

Deen: so bud that was a disaster. you know i'll never stop loving you, right?

Less: when you gotta go you gotta go. how did i get an itchy tailbone? i don't drive.

Deen: because you don't drive you sit in a computer chair all day...

Less: how are we gonna get through four years of this shit?

Deen: it's like a bad President.

Less: four years of being the bottom rung.

Deen: do you know how lucky you are you have me? think of all the suicides nobody knew about because they were left alone...

Less: we must forge our own path, bud. we must find a space free from peer pressure and cliques. 

Deen: a place to call our own. a place the seniors don't know about. where we can get our own little table in the dark corner.

Less: where JUST THE TWO OF US can hash out the meaning of life...

Deen sees Less rub his palms together and let out a maniacal smile he hasn't seen on his friend's face in a long time. Less's eyes are working again.

Less: GOT IT!!! the place nextdoor, follow me.

Deen: Taco Bell?

Less: Chili's.

ISOLATION HOTLINE: HEALER

 

Olach: let's go to Subway.

me: really?

Olach: they let me in there because they don't see me, that wood countertop attached to the front sidewall is so skinny they don't know i'm there on it as they're passing along to each sandwich ingredient to the left... 

the first people we see at Subway are of course Less and Deen.

Less: got an itch you've never scratched?

i nod my head weakly.

Less: me too.

Less puts his arm around me as Deen does the talking.

Deen: nextdoor. see over there? the gas station.

with bated heart and no breath, i sigh because i know what i must do.

me: i've never eaten gas-station pizza.

Less punches me right on the chestbone.

Less: same with me. that's real, bra. that feeling is singular to us, bra. that's heart vibes, bra.

Jules Smith: tell me your problems, deflate the pancake.

Chito Martinez: your first Baltimore Oriole...

Lindy Lenz: wanna come over? i'm naked. your mom's dementia? oh i don't do serious stuff...

me: when i picture the two of us together, the mental image in my head is of the outside front of my old Oakland apartment complex when i was a Berkeley student...

Lindy Lenz: they're more pickle chips than pickle slices...

Alexander Ovechkin: NO CAP...

PG Tips: that DARK DEEP RICH RESONANT HUE of the tea that reminds you of what tea is supposed to look like.

pink tea: ...

gross: 144.

Michael Gross: ...

Michael Gross: remember when you learned that in 4th Grade?...

Trinity the cat: i love your gum breath. i'm glad it's back.

me: yeah but my jaw is grossly misaligned again because i restarted chewing gum.

rogito: remember the Pope's key to his room? it's raining Catholic cats and Dominus dogs as he writes on a piece of yellow notepad paper in the '80s at the front desk as the two of you are at that convalescent home in Encino...

dad: how's mom?

me: if i don't put away the laundry after washing and drying it she goes crazy and plans her jailbreak from our house each night...

me: there are so many things you missed. you will ALWAYS miss.

dad: i know, Chopin's Polish Heart on PBS.

me: that would have been the PERFECT date night for the two of us!!!

dad: oh well. i'll ask around. i'll see if Chopin has cable, he's up here with me nearby not far off...

salad doesn't matter.

Mordecai: yes it does. croutons are bread cooked thrice.

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: i'm Red Dwarf's sister show...

Camille from Red Dwarf: come ON!!! the Casablanca episode landed on Valentine's Day on the dot!!! that would have been perfect but the stupid Gulf War got in the way and messed everything up!!!

Rimmer: whenever there's a chance for romance on this show you must see to it to grab it, seize it like Horatio, run with it like a British naval officer in France...

green blob: i'm Cell in real life...

Lister: why am i seeing the same flashback to Earth? that little alley in the shade by the Taco Bell along the cobblestone main street in Monterey whenever we discuss an episode of Red Dwarf...

me: it's weird but i've never known anybody from New Jersey...

woman inside the soundproof cab of her Tesla Cybertruck in the Safeway parking lot at midnight: i'm sorry for everything. you can't escape this ugly hulking gray bulk of block, it's parked everywhere around town. i enjoy the silence of the looks all the public gives me but i regret being me. i'm having buyer's remorse...

Lauren Sanchez's mother: you dated well, mami...

porn: every scene has a laundry basket in it...

Doublemint gum: since the '80s, you've been ruining your teeth on me. when there was always a Sugar-Free option...

Siouxsie and the Banshees "Happy House": it gets good right at the end there...

me: why are marathons so noisy?

Jen R: go back to Roman times when the marathons were raced NATURAL, not a news event, no 9 news trucks lined up swarming around the poor runners. o the LOUD of those humming trucks with their stupid spoon-sized satellites on the roof. 

dad: i could never run a marathon. i could never run. ever since Artemis's arrow went INSIDE my leg as it grazed my heel, when Cupid fell off his college bike at Princeton...

me: same thing happened to me at Berkeley, in those four years i had to take the bus which only went over grass...

Bob Mortimer: my wife is Xena: Warrior Princess...

Blythe: the coolest name.

Roger Goodell: look, ma, no hands!!! i'm Kermit the Frog on a country bicycle!!!

JK Rowling: the Harry Potter books should be miniaturized...

Chuck E Cheese: those books are modern yet Victorian...

Silent Bob: EVERY movie is a VHS now, that's pretty cool...

i chomp down on a bite of my first gas-station pizza.

Olach: what's it taste like?

me: pizza. LESS greasy than i thought it would be. why is the pineapple salty?

Olach: that's your tears.

me: this is just reminding me that i'll never drive a car. hence i'll never get to Baltimore. when i'm with Jen everything falls into place. like each of these perfectly-spaced pepperoni on this pizza slice.

Olach: i could have Chito Martinez look around Baltimore for you.

Chito Martinez: yeah i could find Jen for you from up here. of course it would be better if she was lost in Belize right now...

Olach: cheer up. things will get better for you in time, unlike the Earth. come on, i'll let you buy me a pack of crisps.

me: what flavor?

Olach: Late Night-flavor Doritos...

ISOLATION HOTLINE: CAREGIVER STRESS

 

me: i can't tackle a grand problem such as yourself without getting in a few practice rounds first.

Olach: shoot.

me: i'll be but a moment. Line 2.........young man who got dumped by his soulmate on prom night. fuck that, WAY too thorny.

me: Line 3 i'm supposed to tell you what the song "The Riddle" by Nik Kershaw is about. no no no okay i'm done with the prep, let's just go.

Clayton Kershaw: i know what that song is about, he told me in the dugout.

Olach: let's go to this bar, the only place i'm allowed inside because they don't give a fuck here. but i've learned they're the ONLY ones who give a fuck.

me: White Russian no vodka.

Olach: will you ever acquit yourself to the taste of vodka?

me: never, no matter how much pain i'm im. 

Olach: i wandered this planet.

me: in search of meaning?

Olach: no, to warn people. global warming is global warning. your planet is doomed and no one gives a fuck. i walk along sandy beaches in my Bermuda shorts and people point and laugh at me thinking my pants are too short. it's my style, man, you can see a bit of lower leg-bone between the sock and the pant.

me: you know what? let's go with the chips after all. my dream is to eat one of those tiny bags of Picante pork rinds a day.

Olach: i refuse to eat Bombay Badboy Pot Noodle, that makes a mockery of the caste-ingrained generational poverty in India.

Lister: order a curry vindaloo and call it even.

me: i only eat smoked-gouda noodles...

Palpatine living in the bowels of the Vatican: wait, i'm still alive, right? so i can be Pope again?...

Brewster's Millions.

Richard Pryor: i can't be funny unless i take drugs.

Walter Hill: this was the only non-Western i ever directed. sorry about that. notice the Porky Pig circles? i got some cowboy meth in my pocket, reach in there...

Jen R: omg Architectural Digest!!! that magazine was so '80s!!!

Stephen Collins: wait, this is turning into a 7th Heaven table scene...

me: have you ever done that? dropped your keys in a strange man's mug of warm beer at a bar?

Jen R: thankfully i don't have to worry about you, you don't drink beer. but why does Sam Malone drink only wine?

Sam Malone: my mom taught me.

editorial: can we finally get a mayor of NYC who is NOT in the mob?...

Ross Perot: i miss straw hats at political rallies.

Richard Pryor: yeah i know, it's the New York Yankees, but remember: Reggie Jackson is an ASSHOLE.

John Candy, catcher: your wife's an ugly bitch.

Reggie Jackson at the plate: but my wife is literally your mom.

script: wait was this supposed to be a sports movie?...

Richard Pryor's Lou Gehrig speech: i thought my candidacy was a joke like Trump's candidacy...

photographer: yeah i keep my cash in tin cans. my tin cans are my phone.

Talia the cat: please let the cat out of the bag!!! how inhumane!!

Stephen King on drums.

Stephen King: "Auld Lang Syne" is a horror song.

Tovah Feldshuh: i'm the Jewish Wonder Woman...

Stephen Collins: you think i came down with the last drop of rain?.........don't answer that...

Lonette McKee: i am a BLACK goddess thank you very much...

Richard Pryor: let's be honest, ladies and germs, this movie was a mess...

The Pope: leave the gun, take the cannula...

Luigi Mangione: wait, where's my Mansion?...

Triscuits: best eaten in tracksuits.

Cecily Strong: and maternity jogging pants...

The Pope: i put on my zucchetto and eat Cheetos...   

Harlem Globetrotters: one love, fam. but Lars von Trier wanted us to be the Harlem Gloomtrotters?

Lars von Trier: no no no as a boy in Denmark i remember it different. you are the Glamtrotters from the hamlet. your mascot is a little cute fox. and you play skeeball professionally.  

Jules Smith: don't you love how the PG Tips tannin stains your tea mug so grandly?

Suzy Lu: i have bingo wings. but i don't play bingo.

Kakashi: yes you do. you play bingo wearing a Mrs. Roper caftan. i thought you were the mum to two brats...

Jerry Cantrell: bog off.

Lister: the Red Dwarf audience really wants to see how big my butt is...

Jules Smith: chatting someone up on Instagram? want to know if they're a real person? send them a postcard...

Layne Staley singing "Would?": into the breach again...

Billy Corgan: Would or Wound?...

Bowen Yang: i only said that because i need to be friends with Aimee Lou Wood...

Gabe Kotter: if it's not the Tetris pillow sliding off the bed it's the Suzy Lu pillow slipping off the computer chair!!!

Charlie Chaplin: see me on rollerskates? being a Johnny Rockets carhop is my job but i really wanted to attack the halfpipe, you know? i wanted to be the 1910s Tony Hawk...

The Pope: don't make me use this ringfinger on your stupid bearded face!!! you're gonna kiss the ring in a different way!!!

The Gorton Fisherman: the ocean is mine!!! give me back my fishsticks!!!

The Pope: prepare to endure the wrath of my Fisherman's Ring. i'm gonna slap the taste out your mouth and replace it with the taste of the sea. los pescadores!!!

Gloria Estefan: i mean i still got the perfectly globular Gloria tits, you know?...

Roger Federer at the Shel Silverstein hippie Mercedes-Benz tennis court: working a sander is much like beating Nadal on clay...

Jules Smith: you should have dated me BEFORE i got wolves...

Olach: i don't get you people. it's a clamshell but the Filet-O-Fish has no clam in it. and i know ocean stuff.

dad: that soft bouncy '80s aquamarine styrofoam... 

me: wait i get it now. i figured it out. i can be lucid when i'm not drunk. you're the Earth's caregiver.

Olach: bingo. but you know what? you have greater caregiver stress than me, you're dealing with your mom, a real person. i communicate with 300-year-old trees, they don't talk much, they're mostly wheezing...