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Gary Kildall and dad are at a dingy motel, the Motel Inn.
dad: Bitcoin? Bitcoin sucks.
Gary: no, Bite Con. cons suck too but it's a work thing, you know how it is. i'm trying to unload my old car, it just stands there in front of my house with $2000 spray-painted on the bumper. many MANY people have drove up to it in their trucks and ironically cars to take a look at it, inspect it, kick the old girl's tires, but not one purchase. my poor baby, my poor hatchback.
dad: i'll tell my son about it. YOU spray-painted the $2000, right? not skateboard hoodlums?
Gary: i don't get it, it's only $2000. it's a 1970s Pinto with a see-through backdoor hatch window, that's cool!!!
dad: hey wanna make prank calls to Bill Gates on the motel phone?
Gary: this is not like you but i'm in. my life is in tatters, all i've got now are prank calls.
at the same motel.
David Bowie singing: do it the right way.........do it from the back.
Jackie Fitzgerald: where would your career be without black female backup singers?
Bowie: i don't know much about sex, it's all for show.
Jackie: sex is about the SUSTAIN. you gotta sustain those rushing feelings in your body, collect them all rising and flooding your synapses, until it comes OUT in a Big Bang.
Bowie: how will i know i've done it right?
Jackie: lots of milky stars everywhere, a galaxy of cum.
me: i know the feeling, Carmel is a barren place.
Betty: i couldn't stay with Blanche, she was arrested for indecent exposure. Dorothy was living with Stan again, and Sophia would call me up on my Carmel phone to tell me about Purgatory.
Sophia: i got to keep my purse up there, uh middle there.
Betty: that left Andrew Gold but every time i called him he sounded so depressed, maybe it was the bad phone reception. Carmel connections get cut off. plus they filmed that shit show Out of This World in this house!!! that was the WORST '80s show ever!!!
me: and you had the BEST '80s show ever!!! can i call you Bets?
Betty: no. drop the pizza and get out of my home.
Jen R and i are at this same motel. in a corner.
Jen: the giddiness when you get that first bucket of ice from the motel machine.
me: yeah that anticipatory warmth that flushes over you when you're at a new motel, new bed, new place to stay.
Jen: i now know how the Garbage Pail Kids feel. remember Shelley Duvall's greeting on Faerie Tale Theatre?
me: hello, i'm Shelley Duvall.
Jen: hello, i'm *pause for tree* Shelley Duvall. i got all 100, all her different costume gowns and sets, Shelley as EVERY character in world folklore, on a loop, and i'm running that video above my door as my doorbell.
Shelley Duvall: have the same thing at your backdoor with Bud Cort saying "hello, i'm Bud Cort" for Texaco Theater...
Bud Cort: backdoor, if you know what i mean...
Billy Corgan shows D'arcy Wretzky his new album.
D'arcy: looks like the Spinal Tap album.
Billy: i wanted it to look like the Pink Floyd album. i died making this album.
D'arcy: i'm worried about you, Billy, why is your face all gory?
Billy: are you coming with us on tour to play your little bass?
D'arcy: Billy, you haven't paid me in 40 years. two things: you can take a break, Billy, it's okay.
Billy: how long?
D'arcy: 10 years. 30 years. second: why are all your album titles from obscure Greek pamphlets?
Bud Cort in "The Trunk": Domino's Pizza?
Domino's Pizza: it's the '80s so yeah.
Bud: can i pay for a pizza with just coins?
Domino's: the coins have to be ROLLED.
Bud: what? rolled coins? who actually does that tho? where the fuck would you even find rolling papers?
Angelina Jolie: why hasn't there been a Carmen Sandiego live-action movie? she's a PBS Tomb Raider...
Trent Reznor: my first album, i was doing Beach Boys Pet Sounds...
Rockapella: we learned a capella from Boyz II Men.
Mitt Romney: is Mormonism a cult?
Rockapella: dangerous question.
Mitt: i can't help that i happen to be from Utah...
Rockapella: yeah the fickleness of geography...
Barry Carl: the Carmen Sandiego game-show theme song is STEEPED in wordplay. a lot of English professors, not geography professors, come up with the lyrics.
Barry White: i told you not to test me, man, i'm a gentle soul but i will kick your ass on live TV.
gumshoe: i like to put people in jail.
host: like Carmen Sandiego?
gumshoe: no, you.
Carmen Sandiego: because of me, the Soviet Union collapsed. wasn't that a good thing?
Putin: but then, my mysterious mellifluous madam, Putin Puttanesca started hitting American shelves.
Carmen: i'm a quadruple agent and you're an asshole.
Thurston Howell III: i'm thirsty for a British Open...
at the British Open, a man under an umbrella is DESPERATE to show a woman his phone...
Boc in neon orange Air Jordans: the smell of fish in the air...
Stephen King: in winter it's Hemingway, in summer it's just rancid.
Ernest Hemingway: an air of fishermen in the air...
David Gilmour: Pink Floyd "Echoes" will turn you into Merlin.
Billy Corgan: Smashing Pumpkins must have longer songs than this...
Richard Simmons: i'm a great guy.........pay very close attention to the exact words i just typed...
Beth Gibbons: the THRUM...
John McEnroe from Gods of Tennis: i hit that winner across the net from the floor. i literally had NO LEGS, i was on the French floor, SITTING on the court. Rafa Nadal, lick my legs.
Rafa Nadal: the fuck you say.
John: to clean off the red clay, aren't all you Spaniards on dust?
Mariska Hargitay: i'm playing Brooke Trantor in the Great Gatsby prequel...
Christopher Meloni: can't do the zaddy shit forever. i am REALLY sick of being a cop. i gotta get back to doing druggie movies.
Justin Rose: Tony Hawk changes a bloke. Tony winked at me from the gallery and i've worn my golf hat backwards ever since...
King Arthur: but 4 is the ultimate LUCKY number. it's the four-crest of Arthurian legend, my legend. castles have four corners.
Hayao Miyazaki: Arthurian is bullshit, you guys just copied the Samurai. hey, stick it in your flour hole, king.
Smylie Kaufman: why can't i host SNL? if Eli Manning can host SNL so can i.
Eli Manning: about that...
Nurse Ratched, crying: my encounter with Richard Simmons moved me so much i became a nun...
Lucio Rossi: i'm REAL CLOSE with Anthony Michael Hall.
Anthony Michael Hall: Lucio was the only one who didn't forget about me...
hymen: needs a high man...
Chris Cornell: in my dream we're at the Singles coffee shop, you know, the Friends cafe. Layne is there and looking healthy. Layne leaves his band, Kurt leaves his band, and the two of them become the grunge Simon & Garfunkel.
Martina Navratilova: one fluted glass, two straws, first date: Chris and i have the very first mint-chocolate-chip shake.
Chris: it tastes like nirvana.
Suzy Lu and Kakashi in Venice.
Steejo: okay but why did i have to tag along?
Suzy Lu: hey Steejo, remember when i liked you in my 20s?
Steejo: the platonic sleepovers.
Suzy: you were so dumb, i had to TELL you i liked you, you didn't pick up on any of my 100 signals.
Steejo: the button in the hotel room is the dimmer, right? not the drapes.
Kakashi: dumber, not dimmer. my mouth is drapes. they call me Mr. Tibbs.
Usopp: lost faith in humanity? worship me, cartoon characters will never let you down.
Sabo from One Piece: i'm the anime Doctor Who...
Sailor Moon: nobody can find a job? dream harder, numbnuts. what did you always want to be? yes, the best job in the world is shrine maiden.
The Twilight Zone "Rendezvous in a Dark Place": the most original concept of death i've ever seen.
Janet Leigh: i know it's the '80s and everything but i'm looking like Nancy Reagan...
Gabe Kotter/Rod Serling pimp coat: this is a winter coat, not a cold-summer coat...
Boc: strewn across the Lucky parking lot: crumpled-up gray Neiman Marcus bag, ICEE paper mall cup, McDonald's ring.
ICEE: all three ICEE flavors: cherry, blue raspberry, Coke...
Hayao Miyazaki: don't vote for Bump just because the Crunchyroll comments closed down...
Spalding Gray: hey Kurt, come stay at my place in Hollywood. i'm never at the house, i'm always in Cambodia.
Kurt Cobain: can i claim your blanket?
Shelley Duvall: if your drama doyenne, your drama teacher summers in the '80s at UCLA was like me in Faerie Tale Theatre, you had that rare drama teacher. she was a spark, she had long crumpled brown chair, a light-blue-and-white checkered jumper, and you wanted to run away with her.
Robin Givens: i was on Head of the Class, then i got married to Mike Tyson, and then i starred as myself in my own Lifetime movie...
Kurt Loder: i was Generation X's Walter Cronkite.
The Two Coreys: you broke the news about Kurt Cobain to the world.
Kurt Cobain: The Two Kurts.
Nigella Lawson: i'm fine casual.
Leslie Sbrocco: and i'm fast casual.
Dryden from Escaflowne: John Lennon glasses, Rod Serling voice...
Ron Perlman: The Twilight Zone "Cat and Mouse," it's Beauty and the Beast as written by Lars von Trier. i want that PHONE!!! it's so '80s. best line: it's the way of the tomcat.
Buc-ee's: NOT Chuck E. Cheese.........i WISH i was Alvin the chipmunk...
Jen in galaxy leggings is at the gift shop window-shopping like a madwoman.
Jen: we need a good bumper sticker.
me: eARTh?
Jen: too old. I'M NOT COOL WITH GLOBAL WARMING with a picture of the ICEE polar bear, that's the one.
Jen: look at that car, it's PERFECT!!! we need a mode of travel, our camper's in the garage with Nick from Family Ties working on it. he's tending to our carburetor with his earring which is his wrench.
me: EY.
Jen: get the $2000 in cash from my Sophia purse.
me: this is so '80s movie.
Jen slinks into the car through the window and hotwires it with the built-in car cigarette-lighter. the car with us in it immediately disappears into thin air and lands in outer space right smack-dab in the center of the Moon's eye: the Mare Orientale, the moon's only living body of water...
Jen: this saves on energy. and changes our plans.
me: why is this Pinto now blue-grey?
Jen: it's a trick of the eye, the moon isn't really blue-grey, it's clear...
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