Sunday, December 30, 2018


i've survived this long, but i'm not counting chickens, the year is not technically up. there is only one thing which would pull me from a new episode of The Orville, one thing: TMIT.

1. daily rituals. do you have any which you will abandon in the new year? will you begin new daily rituals? if so, which ones?

i have a daily ritual where i abandon a friend daily. as you can imagine, i've run out of friends. i need to stop this. even if i'm a monk i can still help. like i can pray for them or something. gotta say, as a monk, i'm sick of ritual. i want to be free again. the usual, diet and exercise. but i'm only allowed three loaves of fish per week as my Recitation Ration and i have to stay on my knees at all times, so i guess that technically counts as exercise.

2. what significant relationship improved the most? i'll be honest with you guys, the dark days are getting darker, and there're more of them, and it gets harder as you get older to climb out of holes. but then i look at my cats asleep on my bed hogging the covers and i can only smile. it was a blessing this morning to wake up to find cat throw-up all over the linoleum floor i had waxed as my monkly duty just the night before, i cleaned it up with cat-themed paper towels and felt blessed.

3. what relationship in your life deteriorated? the usual: my family, my fam, my mom, my sister, my only friend (me), and my secret lovers. and as usual, it's all my fault. i'm a bastard, let's get that on front street upfront like a television upfront. i apologize in advance. you really don't want to have anything to do with me longterm, i'm only gonna let you down Trent-style. i know this cos i've lived with myself all these years, i'm a bad roommate. i need the cell all to myself. can trust once broken ever be regained again? how do i get it back? one step at a time, like a pebble thrown into a lake, the first concentric circle, i learnt everything i know from my favorite atheist, Bruce Lee.

4. what do you wish you had done more of in 2018? how do you plan on doing more of that in 2019? i had contemplated giving up storytelling soon, but i figured that would last a week and then i'd be bored to death. if i ever became a monk for real, like give up tv and the computer and stuff, i'd get bored within a week and be itching to write again. see it's not the thing itself, it's that i'm a contrarian, i always have to be doing the opposite of what i'm doing now, the grass is always greener for me, i'm always thinking about the vacation from the thing i'm doing, not the thing i'm doing. i'm an eternal planner. in the eternal Bored vs. Busy Debate, i think overall in the long run boredom is worse...

5. what important person in your life needs more of your time? will you give it? there's a little old lady who lives in a Redbottom in the outskirts of town by the hill. she needs babysitting like the dickens. i help out when i can, but everytime i visit, there's another kid who's popped up. she is quite popular in the forest. she's my everything, my tax guy, my tech guy, my teacher. my drama teacher, she was the one who first intimated that work was the way to go, not boredom, you should be willing to die for your art, literally die on stage, not from a bad joke, actually die. more than anything, she was a woman of her word. i hear a talking horse now cares for the kids up there...

BONUS: how can you redesign your evenings to bring more restful "you" time to the end of your day? easy. hire Carter Oosterhouse. remember Carter Oosterhouse? what happened to him? i mean i know he's still sexy and muscular and with the wavy hair and everything but where did he go? last i saw him he was building the Oosterhouse House next to the giant Louboutin. i want Carter to work on my evenings like this is the last shelf he'll ever sand. and i want him to do it to a Dido album in the background. remember Dido? what happened to Dido? she had that one big year with Eminem then disappeared right after her Love Actually experience...

gotta go, my tech guy says my computer is unsafe. and my Steelers are just about to enter the playoffs...


Friday, December 28, 2018



* hey okay first off, let's just all pray that Macaulay is alive and well. he made it. i mean he will be the only Macaulay you will ever know in your life, let's face it. okay so the Mila thing didn't work out, she could have saved you earlier, but you confused her when you told her you were smitten with Jim. later Mila discovered you meant Jim Beam. when Ashton punk'd you at your house (the house above) you were so glassy-eyed there was no reaction from you and they had to burn the tape. Mila offered you a role on Family Guy but you said you didn't watch tv anymore. she said she fucked up but you were by then too far gone. you are a man and roaring like your brother. now you're healthy and wise and do what everyone in your position does: try to recreate the Cobain life with the music and not the drugs. (all of my cousins on my dad's brother's side of the family look exactly like Macaulay)

* Macaulay: i'm confused. there's no snow in Hollywood.
me: you know that house up there? it's actually the Sims version of the house. creepy, huh?

* Macaulay: mom? i had the most horrible dream. what am i, 38 years old now? and i have the exact same face. ironically, i STILL can't use the aftershave cos i never grew a beard...

* Macaulay: mom? why does our stairwell look like an Oriental whorehouse?
me: you can't say that anymore. you gotta say Asian. in fact you gotta say Crazy Rich Asian now.

* Macaulay: Mom Google, what's my name?
Mom Google: Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin
Macaulay: that's gotta be a computer glitch.

* Macaulay: Mom Google, what's on my agenda?
Mom Google: how did you vote?
Macaulay: oh no, not this again. what's on my schedule today?
me: you have one event entitled House To Yoself. apparently it all ends at 11PM, is that your bedtime?
Macaulay: no that's when Mom comes home from her New Year's party...

* Macaulay: fuck, out of aftershave. see? i couldn't do that till now.
me: don't drink the aftershave.
Macaulay: *pats his cheeks with a hard slap* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: what happened!?
Macaulay: i drank it!
me: no, that's 1893 Pepsi Cola Ginger Cola. has a bit of a bite and floods your sinuses with binaca.

* Macaulay: add aftershave to my shopping list.
Mom Google: you mean water? that plant that grows inside this two-story mansion hasn't been fed in weeks. that's where all the aftershave went.

* Macaulay: you know, jumping on a bed seemed a lot more fun as a kid. i guess it was the whole taboo dangerous disobeying thing or something.
bed: please stop, you're breaking my balls!
Macaulay: hey Mom Google, clean my sheets.
Mom Google: disgusting.
Macaulay: no not from that, the dirt from my socks. oh and one more thing, every morning wake me up by whispering in my ear FUCK FOOTBALL.

* Macaulay: you know i never found out what this movie was that i was watching. but it influenced me negatively. i treated all people i encountered in my life like they were fodder. i went on a dispiriting quest to fulfill what i thought was my destiny to become a Broadway gangster. or a gangland Broadway actor if you prefer. never was much of a singer, and i didn't sing in the can. i never trusted pizza again, you know what that does to a hungry boy learning from the Victory Pyramid how to stay healthy? i don't trust coins anymore, i only keep crypto in my pocket. i am wanted by every boy and pizzaboy this side of Chuck E. Cheese. and i don't know how hot fudge is made. like does it come from a brown cow?

* Macaulay: sorry boy, you're a Red Sox fan. look, animals aren't filthy, i wanted to be a zoologist. like Android 17. want some of this?
me: it's cheese pizza. i'm into nobler pursuits than sex. like a cheeseboard chessboard. or chessboard cheeseboard.
Macaulay: yeah it's like the wheat and cheeseboard uh chessboard problem.
me: you should have ordered wheat crust.

* Macaulay: bran muffins. not a commercial for the Ring Doorbell. two degrees higher and this tree will catch on fire. my furnace is the steeltrap Mouth of Hell. and the 12 on my grandfather clock is a little devil. have i got it all covered?
me: just another life in Hollywood.

* Macaulay: Operation Kevin. if Durant goes to the Lakers, it will be the Heat all over again and ruin the NBA.
me: who was the basketball player used in the original?
Macaulay: Steve Nash obviously.

* Macaulay: this is actually milk wine.
me: i'm drinking a Pepsi milk to honor Laverne.
Macaulay: Gordon made this mac n cheese for me. this mannequin was the same one who fought Winona Ryder on that mall video. Rudolph's animal spirit is trapped in my outside Christmas lights, he truly is my spirit animal. didn't one of my robbers end up marrying Carla from Cheers? we gotta go, the fireplace worked too well and the house is on fire. next time no my socks for stockings. wait, you can order a pizza online? that can't be right. oh, now i remember, that's the black-and-white man from Godfather's Pizza!!! i'm rewatching and reminiscing The Goonies, i auditioned for that you know.

* Mila Kunis: i fucked up.
Macaulay: thank you. but this comes years later when you're happily married with kids and i'm still......Mac. you know? but thank you.

Macaulay: sciatica was the sex move Mila was just about to teach me when i passed out. it's okay, i lost out on all that but it didn't turn into a River Phoenix end. my doctor is Dr. Lisa Edelstein, the hot Princess from House!!!


happy weekend, my babies. Week 17 is gonna be bonkers, the playoffs have been going on for weeks now! and go Notre Dame! let's have someone, ANYONE new! please! Regis is still alive to see this, right?

Friday, December 21, 2018

PONY UP, ONLY $19.95!


* okay the only thing Christmasy about this is that the lady's eyes when they go red and white look like peppermint mints

* Horseface: The Musical

* Bobby Flay was too-boring a subject to post, sorry Bobby fans---the Slay Flay Brigade---i know he's tight with Giada and Scooby Doo and his wife is a lesbian, but he himself is a cipher.

* i could have featured Anna Paquin cos i'm presently on a The Piano kick right now but i was informed that was Fly Away Home, which carries its own set of nostalgic angst for me. that movie was played ad nauseam whenever i went over to my cousin's house, but i never really saw it, it was just background noise to drown us out when we played Nerfball indoors when we weren't supposed to. something about Canada geese and Elliott from E.T. but the sun this time and more of a Zelda glider before there was one. i think the red hoodie remained tho. i fell in love with Canadian bacon from those visits, the sweet maple smell of that Nerfball wafting at the doorsill each time.

* also not a layaway, as if i'd ever be not-nervous enough to fly a plane again. i got lost at LAX once, catching myself dead there, holding up a sign with my own name on fact i think i'm still at the airport right now, wandering Tom Hanks...

* Sarah Squirm and Cecily Strong: the weirdness is strong with Chicago babes. all those SNL skits that are a little off cos they contain talking squirrels and talking raccoons and stuff, that's all Cecily.

* watch out, this thing takes a turn

* dogs: hey man, i don't like horses. they scary, got those weird muscles bulging out where their arms should be.

* Sarah Squirm: my suit is peppermint, too!

* those clouds are made of FlexSeal. this is a commercial for Irish Spring Sugarcube Scent. don't be fooled, this piece is about hair...but it's really about being aware...

* the difference between a violin and viola? Stradivarius didn't make no filthy violas, wouldn't even touch those bastard cousins.

*  is it possible to harmonize with yourself? like can you do a duet with your own voice without using technology?

* the mother of all the Titans from Attack on Titan. YOU tell her to shave her legs.

* one doesn't identify with womanhood, one strives for it in all things

* pubic-hair bow is what's used to make thrash music.

* Bigfoot: I will love you, no matter if society shuns you.

* body hair IS a crime in some places in the world. let us pray. or rather let us read a science book. use the jail in the desert of that The Shivering Truth episode with just the bars and not the cell.

* with all that saved time there would have been a Female President by now!...

* only those that finish their homework get to ride the pony...which is a euphemism...

* warning: do not eat food or swim for the next three hours after watching this. in fact, might as well skip lunch for a week anyway, this is about beauty standards, right? skip lunch in protest.

* many sacrifices must be made to land on and explore and search out Mars.

* guy here, so this is the part where my mom covered my eyes at the theatre. why would you WANT to trim your ball hairs? they're the best part of the balls!

* balls are eyeballs, makes sex funner, you can see the blowjob this way. i like awkward turtles. the Tim & Eric prolongment at the end just makes it awkwarder.

* and this is when this thing becomes revolutionary: it becomes the first feminist ESPN 30 for 30

* buns of macaroni

* sadly, there will be porn of this at the next Horror Con...

* your insides consist of Twizzlers and fruit punch. you can't surf on fruit punch, makes your board sticky. i've always felt uncomfortable with the word "unclean", it's not dirty, it's religiously dirty.

* there is nothing hotter than a beautiful woman imitating masturbating by stroking her air penis

* Barney Stinson: i was fucking convincing, wasn't i? i'm a great actor.
Polly: in the '80s i just wanted a cracker. in the '90s i just wanted to be heard. i was the first #MeToo. perched on Cobain's shoulder cos he was the Impossible Pirate, sailing on an invisible sea only he saw.
Aphex Twin: so whatever happened to me? i was #1 on one chart one time. tech made a comeback, right?
Sarah: sorry, i slipped there.

* gotta be the Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell butcher/graveyard/mortuary set

* women have always been treated like a piece of meat.

* we don't know why we wear these yellow hardhats. to protect ourselves from rocks being thrown at us from Angels above. meat doesn't look so good when it's hung up on hooks like this, huh. always wear socks, even indoors.

* we are not doctors...

* cum-filled condom, from a limp ugly ugly penis: and this is why Sarah Squirm went into skewering skewed anti-comedy, this was the traumatic night which changed the trajectory of Sarah's life and career forever...

* winter scarf. i was gonna get liposuction on that ass anyway. this ice used to pack and preserve is so good it won't turn the cardboard box into a puddle.

* Skin Kids: the precursor to Beat Kids from Wonder Showzen. complete with Xavier Renegade Angel faceovers.

* #NOS kin: the energy drink which brings the entire working class together

* a full Bush sounds good right about now in these times. how is the Olympic Swim Committee gonna regulate THIS bodysuit? smells like picklejuice which is perfect for BBQ when you need the pickle to offset the richness of the ribs.

* but those whiteheads squirt out white hearts. in perfect pus. the white heart emoji is rare on Instagram

* painting: PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!! (*thinking* it's not working, i can't speak when i'm a painting, only when i'm a logo.)

* Sarah: that's right, we ended racism! it only took a few Instagram emojis of balloons and doves. and my Third Eye which as you can see i wear as a bowtie.

* Sarah: being who i am, i inherently rejected the Alpha model. we Jews are real men, real mensches. former site of the Manhattan Project and the Metallica "One" video.

* Sarah: so what we're saying here is imagine if Secretariat was allowed to eat bacon. imagine those times.

* this may be counterintuitive, but the "fuck" is actually funnier when it's bleeped.

* i don't want to wade too deep in the waters here but it's cool to see a chick this into outright blood and guts, you don't see this sort of gory stuff much from girls, it's rather a breath of fresh air. well, musty air.


happy weekend, my babies. i've slacked off on my Christmas gifting this year so i'm just gonna push a button and let an Amazon drone randomly flight-path all my stuff around the Tri State Area. thought about visiting a National Museum this weekend. or a National Park, the snow is just starting to spike the hilltop shelters. Merry Christmas. there, i said it.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018


Stan Lee is weak but his words are strong. his dying eyes bemoaning their thick-rimmed glasses slide back and forth and elide that he is just about to take in a huge windfall inheritance, a wealth of wisdom from above that he contributed to with small doantions each month of his life and is now the beneficiary of. he is about to become the golden balloon he blew.

Stan Lee: *patting Dirg's cheeks with his hairy hands softly* son, listen to me, there is no encore, this is all there is. and the world needs an awakening, an exodus, it needs to breathe again, new air, cold as the moon, or it will be doomed to failure forever. it's real this time, not next week's comic-book story wirebound in an anthology.

Dirg realizes what this is. he has to hurry, time is running out, and there will not be a scond chance to get at this. he is crying but doesn't notice as he shuts everything out: the atmosphere, the nailbitten anger in the crowd, directed at him and everything the world has to offer, the sky slows down and Dirg can see the flap of birds' wings.

Dirg: oh Stan! oh Stan! you are my father!

Stan: no i'm not, son, i'm your mentor, there's a difference. tho there shouldn't be.

Dirg: oh Stan don't go! the world needs your light! we are plunged in darkness and the war will never end! it will rend before it ends! i don't wanna be a soldier anymore, the world is not fair! and there is no magic. you had the magic, Stan, the mag fic, and it's gone. that's why i got those bottles of magic potion from that girl. she was just a girl after all, flawed as women are. there is no magic really in this world, you have to believe against all logic and reason that man can fly! that's the only way to get off the ground, to get ahead in this world, to make something of oneself, to leave a legacy, to get your cartoon published. the science of a magic potion is humans' certain ceramic scientific glue under one's feet.

Stan: no you are wrong, son. but it is about belief. but see, i fell not because i didn't believe in myself, or believe i could really walk on walls like my comic creation, i could be the Spider-Man only dreamt of, it was because YOU didn't believe in ME!

Dirg: how can you say that? you're everything to me!

Stan: which is the same as nothing. what film were you perusing on your little laptop there for your research on how to scale walls like a spider?

Dirg: The Fly. of course. it's all right there laid out in the manly movie how to become a Man, a Superman. Jeff Goldblum takes us on our steps, literally, climbing walls without adhesive. how to do it in real life and real time. see you need to technique your dream not just blow it like bubblegum, which once chewed can be used under the glove for sticky as well.

Stan: Dirg, you stopped believing in me when you took up your extreme views, and they are extreme make no mistake. they're radical but not cool. they aren't edgy or so against the norm so as to be populist and popular and normal.

Dirg: but Stan, Sir, what about all the conservative voices which are silenced in media? this was our one chance to fight back the crystal cerulean tide with our harpoons. don't you see? next election there will be a wave and everything WILL go back to normal. the normal Leftist way of the world which treats us as invisible sheep. for the slaughter. what about penurious Patreon patrons? free speech, true free speech, is impossible, like The Wall or Brexit. they're just symbols, concepts to be tossed around like a football from a son to an absentee father. what about Judd Winick's comics? the alt-right deserves to be heard like any other faction, isn't that only fair in war? we need to empower both sides, the left and the right, against the establishment.

Stan: both sides or bothsidesism? for every Patreon pat on the back there is an Eliza Dushku. see? the weather never changes, it will always be wet if we let it. society is insidous and will take generations to cleanse, till the Living Planet sees with Eyes not ego and Drinks a bottle of clean plastic and fresh water. not pours one out with that bottle like a pimp cup. these are problems which will never be solved. and which dry up our inkwells whenever we think up a new story, writing it with nervous squiggles and squabbles, appealing to our better angels, about a conflicted ordinary citizen who becomes a hero and invests in us. the logical conclusion of tolerance. how inequality is wrapped inexorably up in identity like a flag around one's boycott boots. art is not so much an answer as an atrium. but through it all you must help others. and you must believe in magic. there is no hatred in magic. there is no point in winning, winning just means you die after your enemy.

Dirg: i fight. i fight for all those on twitter who tell a perfectly reasonable dirty crass funny joke and then have to backtrack and delete or edit cos it offends one person on this planet. that ain't comedy, that's slave comedy. that stifles creativity. creativity helps us understand what it means to be human, right? what does it mean to be totally free?

Stan: it means to die. because when you die, you live, you live as life is meant. how do you sense if a joke is crass? a well of goodness deep inside us all. son, my lovely son Dirg, *Stan jumpropes Dirg's shoulders and plays Baker's-Man with Dirg's clenched gluey arms* you must love, son, YOU MUST DO IT ALL FOR LOVE!!!

Stan expires and blows his Last Breath into Dirg's left ear. Dirg quickly hugs Stan tight forever and, wishing Stan's red sweater would blend into Dirg's bleeding blood, Dirg hurriedly slings the deceased body onto his tearing shoulder and Spider-walks back in to the Mansion and lays Stan peacefully on Stan's bedroom-chamber bed and spits the drone camera attached to the roof off the roof and locks the windows...

Dirg: *in a lullabied whisper* for the Browncoats. for the Browns.

Mueller is riding on his Synergy lifecycle stationary bike to keep fit and exercised and rested.

Mueller: if i didn't exist i'd have to be invented in some way. i'm quieter than God. i don't quit, i go quiet. the American people are counting on me not to mess up, don't screw up after we've come so far.

President Bump: Bob this is agonizing, is this thing EVER gonna end?

Mueller: you tell me. before i left for this work vacation i took some down time to recharge. i closed off a floor of the Attorney Building Courthouse and set up a long waterslide i rolled out on the marble floor. like Big. my compatriots---who are the true patriots---and i took turns sliding and spinning in place, all with our suits still on---someone stole my Santa suit---no funny business, just a way to take a breather from business. you can't see us but we're working real hard. we're 17 angry John Cenas.

Bump: yeah well i have a stone fountain in my bedroom. i've overridden your sealed-indictments stratagem with my utter bald luck! the stone statue of limitations will expire if i win again, which i will by one vote, my son Eric will finally be mature enough to vote. i want to make history as President, i want to be the first President who was impeached and actually removed from office by the Senate convicting him. i will not resign, this game is too fun, i want you to literally legally drag me out.

Mueller: thank you for inviting us into your home. well your apartment. high up on the rise here of Bump Moscow Tower. otherwise known as BMT TNT. makes one poo his pants. cos they used TNT for the first time in this country to build it. Putin has banned the general politik public from TNT and only uses the red sticks to brush his teeth.

Bump: yeah thanks. it's gorgeous. the bathtub has goosefeathers scrubbed into it. yeahs those is really for Vlad Putin, this is his floor, his penthouse-suite level, specially signed over to him, for him to put his feet up. and poop on. i'm hiding out here cos there really is no reason for me to go back home. besides, Russia is my home. at least businessly. i got Loop here tending my every whim. aren't you glad i didn't deport you, Loop?

Lupe: my name is Lupe. i'm not that magic prostitute you wanted who could do the mythical Loop in bed.

Bump: if you open this closet door a million lemons fall out of it like a sitcom. onto Loop's head. it's like Publisher's Clearing House in reverse.

Lupe: you did deport me. that's why i'm here. truthfully, frankly, i like Putin as a better boss than you. he lets me play Pokémon Go inbetween my backbreaking shifts.

Bump: yeah, i love the level in Pokemon Go when the strange purple-and-blue big-yet-little monster flying over your shoulder poofs in midair and becomes a Russian agent sent to help you navigate breakfast. always follow what this person directs you to do indirectly to the letter and you won't get in trouble, you won't get a letter which in common parlance is known as papers. you'll know him by the color of his red. on the overview map. a guide like a bouncing wallball ball or Midna when she gets angry.

Lupe: when i work for Mister Putin he said he was giving me a coat. i thought it was a toxic-materials yellow rainwash coat for handling deadly airborne drugs, complete with gasmask hoodie. he said it had my name on it. turns out it was a coat from Burlington! a nice leather brown one! with a stitch on both lapels and an elk fur trim! it was a Christmas coat and his Christmas present from Senor Putin to me, with my name on the gift tag sewn into the inside lapel!

Bump: sit back and relax here, put up your feet, the gang's all here, soon. watch some tv and let's discuss. hey! i got a win! with no help, Sessions never gave me concessions. just a concussion. i fixed criminal-justice reform cos i might be in a cell sooner than later and want the place to be as Snoopy Met-Life sports gym on the beach as possible. i want to benchpress 300 pounds of weight with my feet. where women AND men go naked and crazy for volleyball. throwback to fiery jets. *Bump hugs the air with his curved arm and sings "Home For The Holidays"* oh shucks. it's just not as fun without my man V. Putin singing backup for me acapella duet. the Veester. the Veepster. well let's watch some tv anyway, hey! we got a new local weather girl! we got Jaclyn Dunn! not Smith! snatched her over from the ultraliberal insanity of San Fran! look at her pendulous eyes!

Maria LaRosa: she's actually a traffic girl, a much rarer breed of Pokémon. i'm a cool mom. there's gonna be an adventure here for me...soon...i am so bored and i don't do housework...

Mueller: sir, sit, i have but one question for you: WHERE IS PUTIN? that was the whole REAL reason for this entire investigation, i am here to arrest Vladimir! put the blood cuffs on him! HE is the kingpin, not you.

Bump: come on, everyone, let's all link up our devices and computers into one big happy world, this is my job as President, to come. together. let's talk like chatty catties about the world's and the universe of Steven's problems. goodbye starlight, gotta keep the room lights on. recap and summit, let's do this. everyone on and in the chat?

Eye Luggage: hello, i'm lurking, not talking back just listening from the great beyond, from the cramped sideroom of the church i'm about to enter. i have my powder-pink tuxedo on and am wearing cold feet. today is my marriage day. my nerves aren't steel but i'm tryna remain calm. this is a big stomp. i'm stalling cos i'm not sure about this but just hearing all your voices gives me the hives and homeelectronicfires warmth i need to be courageous and move. forward. upward. joining us at the Red Table for me as an absentee host are Tavis Smiley? Kevin Hart? oh hell no.

Tavis and Kevin: we're smart men, we really are, hasn't it been enough time? if we had just deleted our twitters none of this would have happened. twitter literally destroys careers and lives, leaves a carnage of counts-cadavers and growthless germs in its wake. it sets up a system that is impossible to solve because it's impossible to adhere to! a machine that doesn't take a talking humanity into account, only assigns your account. you can only be controversial partially. there are degrees to a pat on the butt, ask any baseball player. the system is impossible! whereby being in cyberspace you need to create your own tunnel. to plant your own seeds. space seeds. seeds only grown on Mars. we need a diversity of voices, black voices, or democracy dies. even down no-good drug-dealin' voices. the only thing twitter is good for is posting to showcase court documents.

Letitia James: hello, Mr Mueller *shakes hands* i'm new to the Red Table. which means i'm not damaged yet. i'm full of energy.

Bump: *resigned* no, not you, Bob over you anyday, you represent Vice. you represent two of my bitterest humiliations in one person!

LeBron James: *solid-gold tooth flashes* hey, ma. you know i got blocked---not on twitter, on the basketball court---cos i ran out of gas, which allowed me the time to study. i filled up my huge SUV smokestack tanks and it was cheap as hell on the dollar! like Randy Moss cheap. so i invested in gas to keep the prices low. win-win. we lost the game but still. hey ma, hey Theresa, how you enjoying the holidays? everything goes better with Sprite Cranberry.

Theresa May: can you get that in a pub? can I get that in a pub? i have a's in my back...

JK Rowling: Brexit, like The Wall, is magic, it doesn't exist. YOU are just a thought as well, Mr. Bump, a concept which can never be put into practical practice. this is what we must realize. hopefully all those New Age predictions---the real magic in this world---happen soon and come true. waiting for the Global Consciousness to emerge and overflow like the L.A. River.

Theresa May: JK---if that is indeed your real name---JK, i feel you're approachable but it's hard to approach you in the first place. you're like Voldemort, you have the same nose.

Bump: thank god i'm not real, i don't want to really go to jail, i'll have to build the jail with that clear Wall material so i can stay looking at all that human nature Codrus created. adobe clay from Aztecs, right? The Wall is closing in on me. The Wall is like the Glass Ceiling For Men, right? you can see through it like the glass ceiling to your preferred destination.

Theresa May: that is a charitable view of your situation, it's about white drugs.

before Dirg logs in, he takes a very long walk on a very short pier, the hidden willow footbridges which dot the secret woodsy underside of the belly of Obec Woods where the two worlds meet, school and home. in the bungalow treehouse not known by man but two men. abandoned and full of adoration. along the way navigating the light spots and drone flightpaths he sneaks into the backentrance to LUSH.

Madame Pons: you heard about Eliza Dushku?

Dirg: do you Dushku? yes, just now. good luck with that degree, right? of fury. and scorn.

Pons: and ridicule. and reputation. no more reps. why do i keep getting all these brochures and pamphlets at my doorstep?

Dirg: it's your office's doorstep. they're all from Christian groups. you know what makes a real Christian?

Dirg points a gun at Pons's belly.

Dirg: a gun. to keep the peace. like Jesus preached.

Dirg punctures the sweater strings to Pons's belly with the tip of the gun and lays it flush against leaving no space between her and his belly. he hugs her passionately this way, with the gun squeezed in between their chests. the trigger goes off. blanks.

Dirg: *sweating and exasperated* don't worry, i'd never hurt you, i love you and appreciate you. thank you.

Pons: *sweating profusely from her tits, sweat coming off those mountains like a valley* fuck me. college life. fucking college life. i've got new congregations to officiate.

Dirg slides down the slide of the Treehouse knothole that's formed and caved over time under the pressure of life. or from erosion. or evolution.

Dirg: daddy's home.

Laertus: just in time for the ceremony.

Dirg: what's with this election season? or rather Election Day. or dan rather Election Day. it was whack as a wheel! it became Election Month!

Laertus: you've done permanent damage, but actually you've woke us up. we'll never be led the primrose path again, thinking everything is easy, we won't be lackadaisical and just assume you're not coming for us at every corner. we were sleepwalking through politics and you hit our shoulder. so many more women have been activated this time around and will have their word and save the world before they heal it. a sleeping giantess, like a spiritual sleeper cell that's been called up out of decommission. to officer. we know what's underground now, under the soil. my favorite color isn't red anymore, or blue, it's purple. the grass grows accordingly.

Dirg: what's with those BMW commercials, do they think we don't have eyes? sneakily tryna fit that gay couple in there in the tormado love montage. we see your split-second signaling. and it's not your turn signals.

Laertus: you do. and that Lighthouse commercial for that adult medicine we're gonna have to take soon, that guy looks like Tony Bourdain. makes me miss him all over. and that one hilarious commercial with Ray Liotta about smoking-quitting that represents him, or casts him rather, as just some ordinary jo-blo with a job. like Ray Liotta is just some barber on the street who needs to lay off the cigs. like Hollywood is just a cornerstore job like doggrooming.

Dirg: just an actor, like being a cop or a teacher, everyone needs to learn where the lines are. move the lights and get ready to shoot. and speaking of teaching, what can The Grinch teach us this holiday season? about spirit. Christmas season, he said in a low-voiced mutter.

Laertus: JUST DO IT, the classy man said in an emphatic high-moaned manner. about important life-changing matters. that require a cheetah. stop thinking, thinking gets messy. with all that fluid oozing out of your brain. your mind is a prison, your actual thoughts can paralyze you like a rope or stage hook.

the boys bow down to each other and supplicate on the tree carpets with their wings inserted.

Dirg: finally a religion we can all embrace. a famous faith. St. Benedict. has a nice ring to it.

Laertus: Cumberbatch the Catholic. coming for his batch . it's just New Age enough but diluted with some Medieval alchemy. the art of the spell. cummerbund graduation, i need one of those. i need to get spiritually healthy before my vows. clean. feeling the nerves but tryna remain calm. i don't want to retch all over my suit. i feel good wearing a uniform in college!

Dirg: do a power wash for your insides by downing a cucumber vodka at Bruce Wayne's to celebrate. before.

Pete Davidson joins them on the phone, a phone held up to Pete's ear. with Cecily Strong on the other line.

Cecily Strong: i'm a strong woman. i had some of my best acting work last episode, but it was all drowned out by your news. have we ever worked together on a skit? do we even say hi to each other when we pass by in the halls? you know how hard it is to act while singing Barbra? even Dennis Perkins thinks so. and he sucks gherkins. like he actually sucks on a pickle, i've seen him perform for me in my dressing room. i don't mind Dennis's Hard-Left-or you-don't-get-the-kinja-keypass but for fuck sake Dennis, stop linking to your own work, that is so solipsistic goth-poet!

Pete: i wasn't gonna let the trolls win, that's the only reason i was strong. the only reason i'm a remainer. that's my motivating factor for everything i do in life: twitter. it's cool, we both don't like to ice-skate anyway, that Ice Ending is getting predictable. every year. i was already in my gingerbread footie pajamas in your dressing room so i went to sleep. i'm learning to be strong from you, Cec, to take a stand and keep to it. Christmas suicide is so cliché. hanging by the Christmas tree branch?

Pons: ladies and gentlemen, only three of us here, i now present for the first time to society: Mr. and Mrs. Eye Luggage!

beside Eye Luggage is the long gazing profile of her Harley Hammer. Eye married her hammer. she married her inanimate cosplay tool. that she uses for anime and animation conventions. flouting convention.

Eye: love is the ultimate weapon. this is not a form of marrying myself. and i'm not marrying my vibrator or anything. we love each other, we have feelings for one another, and we've made a lifelong commitment. sorry, fellas, i'm a taken woman.

Pons: next up, as a wild witness, i see you two. and i honor you two. slow-clap from me cos we're the only ones in the room. wait while we roll on in the computer-lab desktop, takes awhile it's clunky. this is Mr. Laertus and his partner-for-life, what's the name again?

Laertus has married a creature he met while online in a virtual world. a cross between a purple Yoshi and the inside of an indie Pokémon egg. but with no tail. the tail is the tongue of the sentient being.

Dirg: please tell me this is just really-good CGI.

Laertus: he's real, not a computer fabrication, as real as me. certainly you. realer than me. he's my husband.

Pons looks at the giant platter of KFC chicken as it stays staid by the soaps. she throws up thinking of those who weren't lucky enough like her to be able to fly the coop.

Dirg: oh, well, that's the big news, you don't want to hear from me now.

Laertus: *touching his new screen and his friend's lap* please, Dirg.

Gladyce: it's time, dear. eat the egg.

Doryce eats the hardboiled egg with the scrape on top that looks like the Death Star.

Gladyce: and this.

Doryce: an India Pale Ale penis-shaped hunk of salami i get to suck on?!! genius. drunk love.

Gladyce: we're going now, to the Shen Yun show in San Jose. dancing till Christmas Day every night under the stars. aboard a grand glistening dragonboat of curled curved orange wood and red paddles. the dragon masthead spews yellow smoke from its nostrils. or is that the dragon's mustache? many muscular barechested Chinese men in fluttering see-through white balloon pants balleting upside-down. and holding ribbon.

Doryce: glorious. the male ballerina, what a concept! so ethnic. ethnic men do it for me, they're so different from what i'm used to. they are our future...

Dirg: *peeing his pants* i hate Christmas. every Christmas Eve night my dad would molest me while i waited for Santa by our burning fireplace. he went down the chimney in a Santa suit, cursed to Grandma who was dead, and then he violated me.

Laertus: *seriously* where was your mother?

Dirg: putting up the lights outside our home. the rest of the year she was gone from our lives, at the tupperware parties of her friends. she never cooked a home-cooked meal for us. never told her, cos it's the most ridiculous thing ever dreamt up. except it was real. it really happened, i saw my father sliding down those bricks. my father was a cool dad the rest of the year, something about Christmas triggered him off into madness. which is just another word for anger. and so the cycle continued with me. i guess he deluded himself into thinking i wouldn't recognize him with the beard.

Laertus hugs Dirg hard for five minutes.

Dirg: come on! why aren't you laughing?

Laertus: great. i guess this means i have to miss the next cycle, aye? gotta miss the next coupla semesters? thank goodness i'm a homebody and my spouse works, hope my husband doesn't get too jealous. to take care for you. to make sure you're okay. a wellness check which spans the wellness of a soul.

Friday, December 14, 2018



* upfronts: Lorelei brilliant...wish her nothing but the best...will be my next follow as soon as my Instagram 7500 lowers...

* i was pronouncing it Pervert Everything with the emphasis on the first syllable of Pervert like Pervert Everything was the name of some superhero or something

* PFFR is how you say pervert in pervert

* Buddha is a woman...

* how?...why?...Journalism 101 is such a boring college class to take...this is Pop Culture 101 of course

* what's the best way to have sex? you will learn in this hour. you see there's a myth on tv that sex can last for more than an hour but that's a physical impossibility. Sam from Cheers is the only known recorded case but the documentation there is suspect cos the only witness was the Pope. Sting has come closest with 47 minutes. Supermen can last the entire half-hour of the sitcom but most men will give you at best the commercial break

* how do you know you're doing it right? vomit.

* Steve Jobs early hologram with Zen fro: can you get consent from an animal?
Jane Goodall B: you see it in their eyes. they give you the evil-eye that's how you know i was Jane Goodall first but no one paid attention to me cos i was ethnic. the media thought Jane was better-looking than me......anyway...
Steve Jobs: please, audience, no recording of this secret interview on a Samsung. don't want to see that shit out there.
Jane: PC culture…
Steve: rape culture...
Jane: touche. wanna touch my butt?
Steve: no.
Jane: good answer. you restrainted yourself.

* laughing cos he has a huge dick, he could easily push the elevator button with his dick

* back again, like Return of the Mackess. i made a bath bomb out of items i read about online. i'm like a spiritual terrorist. all of these plastic cups are from the mall that was gentrified last week, now it's just one big Disney Store.

* this is my giant brass knuckles made of ice. when i hold it in my hand i am forced to make the thumbs-up sign, which forces me to be positive. speaking of energy, see all these water bottles with plugs in them? i'm experimenting with electricity and bongwater, trying to ascend up the next plane...of existence...i know, the ice knuckles look like the bridge of a UFO ship...

* ropes, for jumping rope and sex, skipping and strangulation, both forms of exercise

* this Chinese hallway rug i got when i went to China in my mind. i have a box of tools in the bathroom...we're remodeling...

* i'm telling you, no seriously shut the fuck up and listen to me for once, let me sleep or you'll be sorry

* this is the one and only youtube video i'm ever gonna make

* ---whatcha doin'?
---i never watched Phineas & Ferb. that show was weird, it was, like, for hipster children. i'm writing the script of this special.
---this thing has a script? you look like a hippie child who draws mazes for the New York Times.
---are you being serious right now? this is a comedy show. i don't want to be filmed unless i'm doing the filming. did you get my water?
---your order?
---no my water order in order of water.
---did you get that thing i sent ya?...
---again, i don't watch adult swim...

* aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene! this is gonna win the Bounty contest, babe.

* Riley: you have to understand New York City parties. they're not really parties, they're crises.

* Riley: i know that alien. he seems harmless. he starts with the how he never got over Gumby being canceled but then quickly moves on to the part where he wants to probe your butt.

* we need name tags here, everyone here is a first-timer. we're not so much hipsters as sore losers. we drink from red Solo cups to recreate the college experience we were denied but deserved.

* i've learnt my lesson, let the alien make the scene, the party-circuit scene, more order for Halloween i mean water. to make saltwater-taffy Halloween candy i suppose. and the Mischief Night fires, never found those. i'll actually use some of those water bottles i hoard for water.
---remember to hydrate.
yeah but i don't exercise, i have to maintain the gift of my butt.

* Noah: i'm the other Cyrus child. the male Noah that's kept in the attic bathroom. don't worry, i'm sitting on my arm that's why you can't see it. are you sure about all this ice and mulch?
---well sure. ice are crystals, right? you need to learn to GROW...

* DIVERSITY: in the blink of an eye. keep subverting those tropes, Lorelei, we need equal representation in the weirdness game. i like Tim & Eric but they aren't the gatekeepers to this anticomedy thing, right?

* Debbie Downer: um, maybe if i wore that pink blindfold over there. can we do it on the pink sofa? i'm afraid the rug will catch on fire with all the candles here. i mean have you ever had sex on just a mattress on the floor? it's weird.
Riley: that's how your parents did it in the '70s after reading The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort. that's how it's done in every frat and sorority house.

* Debbie Downer: i came here cos i don't have any friends. can we have sex without touching at all? i don't want to have sex on camera. can you be a virgin whore?
Riley: but nobody watches this...
Debbie Downer: thank you for my first karate lesson. the mall got closed so...

* Maya Angelou: you know why the caged bird sings?
Riley: sex with you in Heaven is my ultimate fantasy.
Maya: freedom...

* Riley: you look like a root. i'm tryna prevent you from becoming a dud root.
Noah: i don't feel so hot.
Riley: exactly. the crystals will heal you.
Noah: yeah but can you take me to a hospital now?
Riley: crystals aren't a religion, they're a lifestyle.

* David Morse from the first season of St. Elsewhere: is it true one of your animals is called Weinstein?
Jane B: yes but he was removed from the cage.
David: how do you know the eyes of the animals aren't just drowsy?
Jane: we make sure the animals don't drink anything but water. my favorite plug is a book plug. the wordplay here is all very Shakespearean.
David: did you know there was no wordplay before Shakespeare? did you know that Boston is where St. Elsewhere takes place? not many people know that. we're like the '80s Boston ER.
Jane: i thought that show took place in a snowglobe.

* Noah is gone. i needed time to myself. but now that i have it i don't feel so hot.

* at least there's not a knife at my back. 5 is a spiritual number, right? like the palm of a human or animal hand.

* first show in history to have the end-credits in the middle

* show-within-the-show backstage, behind the scenes. man playing boyfriend is the real boyfriend but playing the part in this scripeted segment that looks like a documentary.

* not Eric Andre: so as you can see i finally got sponsored, i'm gonna skateboard using ladders.
Lorelei: babe i'm too big for you now.
not Eric: i know, dat azz.
Lorelei: no i have a special on adult swim so my mom's gonna see this...
not Eric: i only have enough money for one pizza slice, so your choice. are you in love with your mom?
Lorelei: sure, all kids are. and kidults. i'm craving black food.
not Eric: like as in burnt food? i'm trying to be supportive but it's hard when you have that tv thing sticking out of your in that mic! you're still filming, aren't you? you sneaky shedevil.

* Lorelei: yeah so this is typical stoop conversation, even without the pot fumes. what were we talking about?
girl: we're all just hanging out, it's okay, you can kiss me. i'm not gay. well i'm not gay for you. but we're all hanging out.
Lorelei: sorry, you look like my mom.
girl: is that a good thing? so war, you see, stems from water. water had different molecular-compound compound chemicals back then, when war was peace.
Lorelei: yeah, the word 'war' can be found in the word 'bongwater'.

* Lorelei: i'm looking for flights into Miami right now. i'm gonna marry my mom.
Gilligan boyfriend: seriously, why does EVERYTHING happen in fucking Florida?

* counter cutie: shoulda went to Jared.
Lorelei: have you tried that new Kushner Kush sold by the stoop?
counter cutie: as our official travel blogger, you HAVE to wear the LIVE LOVE TRAVEL blindfold when you sleep at airports.

* Lorelei: mom, this looks weird but love is love. i'm not wearing this tuxedo cos i'm a lesbian, i'm a groom. and we are under a gigantic mistletoe evergreen wreath thing so that's perfect. and you are my real mom, right? not an actress.
mom: si.
(you KNOW that's her real mom, they look so much alike, gotta be)

* the one in the airport was gratuitous, but the grand longshot into the light of Lorelei walking down the sidewalk Brooklyn maples and treestuffs to her one side and the shadowed stoops strewn with elm leaves to her other all alone the lane all to herself strolling cheek side to side was regal and queenly and intentional art. bottoms line: Lorelei's ass is a masterpeice.


happy weekend, my babies. i WILL eat that McDonald's Holiday Pie if i have to move to Brooklyn to do it. i mean it's gotta be at that Times Square McDonald's, right?...

Wednesday, December 12, 2018


Dirg: ready?

Stan Lee: i was deathed ready. i will die ready.

Dirg: delay be not proud. just follow my lead. my instructions are can't-miss.

he leads the old codger up from his forelimbs and onto the peeling walls of his dank dark mansion, this man lit with the watercolor eyes of an old man who had lived too long to see the good world he had built sour.

Dirg: you're doing it, massa!

Stan's both hands and feet stick to the walls with no help. he looks and feels a little funny at first, but Stan's excitement overrides his sense and he begins to maneuver the sideway lanes of the wallpaper, he is really doing it, he is carving a new ancient aquarelle avenue! he's floating on air! well, sticking. he is moving like Spider-Man, he can stick to sides and enable around edges and his reach exceeds his grasp for the egress now is unlimited and as high as a skyscraper. he is a parkourist without a parka or mountain climbing boots with spikes and his only poles are his legs whittled to nothing in his old age. a trickle starts from the cocktail onion of his eye and begins to damp the carpets. Dirg tries not to see cos he wants to be strong in these trying situations and seeing his mentor cry will turn him into a mentee manatee.

Stan Lee: kindness. i'll never have to jump again.

Dirg: don't get all Doctor Who on me, old timer. that's later.

Stan Lee: no, kindness. remember: kindness. but for you, it was kidness.

Dirg: *non-awkward pause* so do you want me to continue? with the lessons. you want me to film practice?

Stan: i feel like an athlete who can throw around dollars! i never played football. i would have gotten killed.

Dirg begins uploading the practices online to the official university website. it grows such an audience in four minutes and there is such demand for more in the subreddits even though they are only words the comments peal with loud doombell sounds in Dirg's ears. like wedding bells but funeral bells. he gives in not cos he ever wanted to be popular but because he wanted to be left off the hook.

Dirg: does this clear me? am i out of my contract?

Stan: you always were. college shouldn't be a prison. a box of section comments. but i hope we continue. outside of school. i want to date you, let's see each other out of the classroom. do you feel accepted again? that's not the same as validation, only i can validate you.

Dirg: well followers are fickle but i am relieved i have full access to the Marvel youtube comments again, i do my best work there, i really feel i'm contributing to society molding those maggot minds over there.

the first practice is livecasted at 3PM on a lazy Wednesday afternoon before Finals and all the park benches roll their peels back up like fruit rollups. it gets so many views and hits the internet breaks and shuts down cos everybody and everypony are literally hitting their computer screens! Dirg goes without dinner chewing two slices of gum instead preparing the next broadcast.

Dirg: the first broadcast was you, Stan, moving around the walls of your mansion, not venturing outside though all the bay windows have no glass, teasing like a good broadcaster and moral host and thumbing around the edges and proving the impossible true, especially to your young viewers. you even added a tag where you gave some nice anodyne biblical good-natured cheer advice for the holidays and a hot-cocoa powder mix packet recipe to end the video. you say add a strawberry in your hot chocolate for Spider-Man. it got a million views but more importantly it broke the million-comment barrier for a single youtube vid. we beat that puerile and prurient punk princess PewDiePie. he's not a cutie-pie and should eat a non-woman pie and die, whoa i just got that. i know i'm jealous, he films his sex scenes on Swedish-craftsmanship kitchen tables with his girlfriend that week like it was some ordinary porn to stream to his kid fans. in the second vid, i had you spider on the ceiling of the mansion, you even had requests from female fans wanting you to negotiate the chandelier and possibly ride it upside-down. that vid got a billion views and a billion comments, extending our Guinness record. Guinness is still a non-beer thing? i thought all colleges now invest in near-beer to avoid lawsuits. what could we possibly do for the finale that would top it off?

Stan: it's not about getting bigger and bigger, son, it's about getting smaller and smaller. limit your orbit to goodness, not popularity, but i think i am really for the fall. for the plunge. i'm gonna venture outside like a good little Venture Brother. take my chances as the cast of the wind, @ the wind! caveat emptor! *quietly* i mean excelsior *raised white-hair fist*

Dirg: okay wait i dunno we're moving too fast. i don't think a trillion is possible on this planet, not enough folk on this earth. i mean if you really want to the potion will hold i mean your spirit will hold. you onto the ceiling. you want to go outside? and do what?

Stan: just feel my bare knees against the brick laying of the outside mansional walls. wave hello to the beautiful humanity stationed outside waving at me. i want to wave back and smile.

Dirg: your smile will fill every kid's balloon with warm air. eh, as long as we're not handwaving this thing. it will be a spectacle of spirituality. it will be lovely......okay, do it, just be careful. don't wear shoes, it heavies you down. i won't be around, i've got errands and stuff. i'll set up the camera from my drone on a pod outside sticking to the smokestack of the roof, that should capture all your motions. see ya see ya wouldn't wanna be ya! peace and kisses.

the two meet at Good Times at Davey Wayne's on campus. the bros and the crones. yellow exterior, looks like a peeling wooden surf shack with no nails from the '70s. the interior of the club an exact representation of the brothers' dad's shaggy-carpet living room and fuzzy furniture and glass ornaments from the swingin' married family man's bachelor pad. and nachos.

Dirg: cool place. very indie L.A. club vibes look. quick scan of the menu and i'll have the hallacas. and agave lemonade? cauliflower pizza? okay, whatevs as you guys say.

Individual Brother #1: us Asians?

Dirg: no you cool guys who get all the chicks. you young entrepreneurs who get to own a club right out of college. heeeeeey, now i get it!!! you guys are the REAL crazy rich fresh Asians!

Individual Brother #2, who's a twin: funny you should say that. L.A. the two Coasts are the same, we borrow from them. we use only the freshest ingredients, daily catch.

Dirg: i like the ceramic dog, replica of someone special? i'm in a rush, go.

Laertus: i was just thinking of how the neighborhood used to be. remember before the endless construction? you had Do Re Mi Music on the flip corner, which is gone now. where am i gonna get all my Smashing Pumpkins and NIN albums now? those are the only two albums i actually buy as a material now, for the booklet cover art. the rest of the bands i stream free.

Dirg: hear ya. yeah, all the old pizza places are gone. Pizza Factory. why do stores close when the construction hits, isn't that a bit counterintuitive? are you noticing less traffic? these new lanes are supposed to help with bikes.

Doryce: speaking of, we're here, too, and want some service form those two handsome brothers. take your shirts off like in the old days in sunny L.A.! ooooh pizza, i am so horny for pizza. pizza is like horny food for females.

Gladyce: dear these will tide you over. get it? it's a new box i got at The Store.

Doryce: oh these are heavenly! Cheezit New Flavor. Cheezit that are cheese-pizza-flavored! these are the greatest squares i've ever eaten. and i've eaten my share of squares in my long short life. i've already eaten the whole box. and i'm still horny!

Gladyce: i got something we can order only here. it's gonna be delicious and delightful and surprising and you're gonna think why didn't they think of this before? from the Orient after all.

Dirg: the traditions are fading and no one cares. you're gonna miss them when they're gone. Subway Meatball Subs using garlic bread for the bread. Holiday Pie from McDonald's. you know i remember when my dad took me to Do Re Mi to get my first Rush record, our first, well his first, it was gonna be a bonding moment because the Rush record was so long we had to have a conversation to fill the time of the awkward silence. that's all i remember, i blacked out, or the music did, i don't want to remember it anymore, he was trying to go over all the cryptic symbols and D&D monsters used in the lyrics but they weren't as cool coming from him, you know how kids are. anyway i just remember the white Pinto drive over to the Do Re Mi when they still had that cul-de-sac where you could hang your Pinto pistols kept on display in full view in the backseat visible from the small circle window back there. hey you getting on okay without your computer? i have to use it for very important matters.

Laertus: no worries. i'm using the ones in the computer lab. i go at night so i won't get spotted. i'm using my new friend's computer over there.

Dirg: oooooh, i must meet her if she exists someday. sucks now. whenever i try to reboot the movie again the hot illegal-bride bridey Russian lady with the ass the size of a Russian count's dining longtable no longer appears, it's just some chick from BeenVerified giving the intro that is always in mute.

Laertus: exists.

Dirg: *touches his shoulder then his own shoulder* gotta go pal, drinks on the house and i am the house, i'm practically a doctor now, i can pay for things, anything, i'm suddenly youtube-rich!

Madame Pons: you seem groggy, you okay? there's no more left, you used it up in one sitting. or standing. on a ceiling.

Dirg: i was practically on drugs when i started out. i had to get the hang of it myself. i was climbing the ceilings and bouncing off the walls trying to figure it out. literally. at night cos he slept during the day. it's okay, i can handle it, my head has always been airy.

Madame Pons: you still have the vaginal egg inside you?

Dirg: this whole time. i'm juggling a lot of balls but that one has remained firm in my body. i'm clenching it like a vise with just the one string of my cockhole. the X of a normal glans to pee has been opened into the gaping maw of a cuttlefish. forget it, screw it, i don't need to pee. i don't drink, this is how i really am.

Madame: i can tell. i can see your aura in front of you even if you can't. you're feeling feelings more. deeper. it's time you confessed. you did nothing wrong. i know i'm not your only friend. or even one. you have a better one. a longer one.

Dirg: best. advice. ever. okay, i know, i'll do it. if Stan can Man can. i'll do it later tonight when it's quiet at our cabin in the woods.

Madame: when you finally confide, the weight of hate is lifted into a stream. you find yourself with fins talking again, and writing. it's your best work cos it flows out of you. inspiration doesn't know which term it is. and plus, you shoulder the burden of responsibility onto another person who now shares your pain, it's kinda fun that way, gives them the responsibility.

Dirg: passing it off on someone else, like a blunt circle. taking no responsibility for one's actions, i like it. hey it's not my fault, right? laters, therapy toots.

Dirg: can we make the call from here?

Laertus: sure, it's all normal now.

Eye Luggage: go. Doctor Who finale.

Dirg: underwhelming. next series get rid of Yaz, she's worthless.

Laertus: you are too cruel for school.

Dirg: then when Team Fam is wondering why Yaz has suddenly disappeared from their close tightknit group, Jodie will calmly explain that Yaz has became her own grandmother from the Punjab episode.

Eye: no Family Guy Christmas special this year, bummer. tribute to Carrie made up for it. i've since learned to fish. you know eventually all my sisters with the purple lightsabers raised and the Princess Leia RESIST signs will become in reality the Resistance to what's happening in reality. it will no longer be a film with blue in it, it'll be a blueprint. okay, fam, i'm off next week, the pod will be cast in cooling blue. the relatives and descendants are descending on town, which means i need to come as soon as possible and leave...

President Bump is in a smock, painting away in the Cream House Green Wing. he is so splotched with the rainbow of caterpillar colors a mustache of paint forms below his nose.

Katy Tur: sir, i don't know what to make of these baby clothes you gave me. i didn't invite you to the baby shower.

Bump: thought it was another kind of shower. what, they say BANANA REPUBLIC STUFF, i thought it was cute, love that brand of clothing. Secret Service while shopping at a Baby Gap alone was a logistical nightmare. surfer, right?

Katy: at this point i would have rather one of your paintings, even if it's a dark Gumball painting. you might surprise and bush us.

Bump: i'd wear a beret but my hair......hey what happened to Robin Meade on HLN!? she's not there anymore! replaced by two chicks who wore the same red dress that one day, that was hilarious! she was an HLN Deal! what's up with Cohen? he looks so sad. he looks exactly like if the Sopranos were a real thing. very smart, bringing in his family like that for the first time at his sad-sack sentencing. that's very mob and mob-moll. hot daughter with the fur Tiny Tim crutch to influence the judge. in his chambers in December. how are you holding up, Theresa May?

Theresa May: literally not well. i'll put it to you this way: before Brexit, i didn't have a hump in my back. the MPs are snickering behind my humped back and coyly calling me Esmeralda.

Bump: i wish you were Nancy Pelosi, you're a nice woman, she is very nasty.

Pelosi: sir, stop mansplaining everything, i'm a crone, i've been around the block.

Bump spreads his legs more open on the sofa in the meeting. like a Chinese fan. Pence has a glazed look in his eyes on the loveseat.

Pence: sorry, i didn't read my lines for today, the script changed. i'm like DeNiro, i can't do impromptu live tv, i need a lot of preparation.

Chuck Schumer: H is for hell. the trick is to look directly at the camera.

Amy Motta: hello everyone! i am welcome at the Red Table!

Aisha Moodie-Mills: bitch whatcha doin' here? just cos you're an AM like me? the only thing you're known for is that insanely freaky and scary white smile of yours! what else do you do? you're just teeth. eat yo applesauce bitch!

Stephen A Smith: *making the eating-with-a-spoon motion* okay, i'm not panicked yet. the Cowboys are in the Super Bowl. but there's still a chance for them to lose EVERYTHING.

Laertus: yeah, pass me the blunt...

Stephen A Smith: you smoke?

Laertus: when i see red. i want to live in a world that is justified for Julia Ioffe to exist peacefully and sexily with her puns. and to coexist with symbols on a T shirt. i am attracted to Maureen Dowd's frog mouth and weird middle-class accent and movie quotes and screwball comedy and reportette repartee. is Paganism our post-Christian future? Maureen is the sexiest dowdy person i know. you know she's a pistol in bed with her wit and bleeding charm. when everyone likes something, there must be something wrong with it. i want to travel the world and stop and stay in India and experience that fascinatingly insular exciting Indian cricket culture that is like Bollywood for sports, that stays secret to their sky, bright lights hidden by the city. that whole inroad where all the cricket stars marry Bollywood actresses and have babies who become cricket gardeners. i want to report on cricket like that English actor. the real cricket played in India. i want to be well-rounded and an all-rounder. i don't want to strike-rate out with the right person. that is the fame of family.

Bump: going to a Scientology Clearing. thank you, next. hello? Piers? who should be my Chief of Staff?

Piers Morgan: i really think it should be Ariana Grande. yeah, she has the ear of the public and she pulses when she dances. tremendous sway on that one, she really knows what they want and are after. the new voters, the young voters. she's so old she won't turn down the job. i can already see her plastic-surgery lines under my hot lights.

Mueller: i thought that was me. *Mueller kisses Comey on the lips* this is the ultimate Resistance. to Russia. btw, never noticed Ashley Parker's huge tits before till i saw that Washington Post article where the three all lined up as phalanx warriors for that The Front Lines press-pool feature. she always wore a parka with me.

Bump: you two disgust me! take that stuff to a college campus!

Comey: oooh, a new technique you learned from Melbourne? you're helping me get over, get off, get through, and get a divorce tattoo. Ash to ash. and that ass. when are you gonna finally invite me to dinner, Bob? i heard you got a mansion...

Mueller: you're not treating my star witness too roughly, right, Mick? no paddywagon pummels?

Bump: Butina? don't yous worry, she's not being tortured, she's just really into BDSM. pommel horse is a different thing in her country. we even took her blindfold off so she could see the Geminid Shower. again, different shower.

there's a rumbling at Davey Wayne's. like an earthquake that lasts forever. the roof starts to shake. the neon arrows which normally point to Live Nudes have been replaced with a neon sign, and one part of that sign crashes to the ground below in calm palm palmetto bushes. the graffiti which remains under the piece of sign reads:


the crones and bros and Reds all look up from their coffees.

Doryce: what happened? something happened.

Dirg races back home. then he gets a running start. then he hits the ground running.

and he finds Stan Lee has died. or is in the process of dying, Stan has fallen off the roof on the outside-bricklayed layer of the Mansion and he plunged into the green recycling bin. he lays. still. still quivering. Stan's head is no more, there is only his heart. Stan's placid face is now all smiles and is ready to give his last column of advice, cos he never considered his Last Words. he always thought of others, not the finality of himself. when you help, you extend yourself. he pulls a gaped Dirg in close with his sweater hand and hugs him to get close to Dirg's ear. meanwhile the spectators assembled are horrified, they saw this live! and in the livestream! in real time! they are hopping mad, they jump up and down and throw soy bombs in Dirg's face. then they storm the purple chainlink fence made of stone paper rings, pouring soy sauce all over Dirg's face and body so he is an unrecognizable venom monster.

mob-rule crowd audience: YOU ANIMAL! TAKE HIM OUT OF THE TRASH!!!

Stan Lee doesn't want to be helped out of anything. he kisses Dirg's ear.

words of wisdom are to be whispered.

Monday, December 10, 2018


i've appreciated the Stones more now that i'm an old man. always thought they were just Beatles wannabes.

The Beatles=Nirvana
the Rolling Stones=Pearl Jam
the Who=Soundgarden
Nirvana the British '60s band=Alice In Chains

shit, even that is a generation removed. i am not a millennial...

1. which do you make more of, phone calls or text messages? i only have one phone in the house, a telephone magneto. i was into X-Men long before anyone watched the '90s cartoon, before all'y'all. have you ever tried to sext on a rotary phone call? it's like Scott Van Pelt stuff cept i don't get paid handsomely to sit behind a handsome desk and be handsome and talk sports all day and throw in an Aqua Teen reference now and then. how much analysis does sports need? Tiger Woods is jealous of Scott cos Tiger can't pull off the bald look as Tiger gets older. Tiger actually requires glasses but he lasered them cos the nerd image wouldn't have been good for Tiger's image. he wants people to forget he went to Stanford.

2. before making a phone call do you rehearse what you are going to say? why? cos i want to be like that credit-card commercial. and cos i'm training to be an actor. that's the thing, never monologue out loud not in front of a mirror, people will think you're crazy. they'll think you're talking to yourself or to your imaginary friend or that you're a vampire, no one knows of the three which is worse. keep those strange thoughts which pass your stem like a night wind every so often to yourself in their root where they belong.

3. name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. eyes. ears. hair down there. oh wait, i forgot to put on my glasses…...nevermind, i'm a werewolf...

4. name three things about which you and your partner completely disagree and often causes disagreements. politics. religion. sex. i think Perot would have made a great president, i only adhere to religions with black in the title, and i only want to have sex in my furry suit. she thinks Perot was "running for President" just as a statement and never would have REALLY become President, hint hint, she thinks my religions are racist, and says sex in the furry suit damages the suit's value at auction. we love each other and agreed to be asexual magi together, that was festive.

5. 74% of new couples buy a new mattress when they begin their relationship. as you embark on a serious relationship would you require your SO to buy a new mattress or would you buy a new mattress if your SO asked you to?

can i disembark? the waters are getting choppy. i'll use our waterbed as my paddleboat canoe.

only if the mattress was blue, with fleurs-de-lis and was soaked......okay NOBODY got that reference unless you were reading my Instagram or here-blogged stories. i'll try another reference: only if it's in a long smoking pipe and PURPLE

or if it had a metal ribcage choking it and was a yellow non-stained mattress from a '70s motel and ate up all your elongated arcade tokens. magic fingers just means metal fingers, right, Logan (Wolverine)? he gives the best rolling backrubs.

bonus: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about your future would you want to know? never. no. never know. watch sc-fi. and fantasy. never find out you when you're going to die. or how. never uncover your final last age. that's wikipedia wicca stuff right there. crystals should only be used on your backbone. or to make dark Muppets with one magic stitch…



Friday, December 7, 2018



* this is probably not the best thing to watch around Christmastime...

* Hunky Boys Ding Ding, that's what i thought the title was...see i was okay believing they were hunks just thought they were too hungry for ding-ding dinner for their own good like a pavlovian COME AND GET IT bronzed triangular dinner bell with an aspergillum to shake it with.

* this looks like the spooky start of that other Cartoon Network show pilot that didn't get picked up...

* Emo Philips, more goth than emo. you can tell from the haircut he paints.

* the problem was the bent weathervane. that's what doctors always told me would cure my depression, i just had to have my jaw realigned.

* nobody appreciates the fine art of typewriting while in a biker gang, or writing whilst dipping one's quill pen into a chandelier. Liberace was liberated, o why can't i?

* i've never died before...i'll be sure to DM you the selfies i take...

* don't look at the cameras, ruins the illusion

* why is everyone in such a hurry to die? haven't you read Sagan's assistant's letters? you ain't gonna be seeing Grandma again. as for Grandma's pussy...

* oh, hydraulics…...thought you said Hydra Headed

* it's all fun n games till someone gets an eye poked a noose

* see this is the Looney Tunesization of death, making it all seem not so serious and camp and everyone comes back for the next cartoon

* Plympton it possible for a taxidermist not to be creepy?...they say what we're all looking for in a sexual mate is the opposite-sex version of ourself

* maybe we shouldn't have built this house on the foundation of a single rope.
God: no, that was brilliant, it forced you three magi to work together whether you hated each other or not. who says you die alone?

* this is no time to work out

* your eyes actually do bug out like that

* life

* remember the days when game shows weren't sinister?

* this game not an invitation for a four-square foursome

* Transylvania has the strictest gun laws on this side of earth for obvious reasons

* the tv studio is conveniently located next to our shack out in the middle of nowhere on a hill where it eternally rains and the lightning (like the stars) is so close you can touch it with your nose

* i'm a librarian and this blindfold was for our Fifty Shades In Fifty States promotional tour where we went around rest homes getting our senior citizens to read more.

* just looking for my true Sid

* Emo: this is the type of poetry only those with a high IQ would get. you know, like Rick and Morty viewers.

* if you take out all the philias and phobias, it really is quite the romantic love story

* we've been through this, Total Recall II would never work. don't you recall?

* that was sublime ventriloquism, even if the camera panned down

* think of me as Bart Simpson when he first burst onto the scene with that skateboard

* who is spraypainting all these Broadway backstages? Banksy?

* there is only Hologram Happiness

* love the lie...
God: this guy gets it.

* i have it on personal authoroity that Chaucer HATED the lute

* good seeing John Goodman getting work after Roseanne

* Chaucer actually came up with the phrase "what's your damage?" but no one noticed

* this is what youtube stage directors don't understand

* delayed reaction to the penis...

* so we needed Hitler to get Einstein? why is life so profoundly and prodigiously cruel?

* Bart: wait, is the man me or the woman me the real me?
God: both.

* it's a traditional Heathcliff Roger Rabbit candlelight dinner over a trashcan lid

* love hurts.
Bieber: i swatted you guys...for real.

* kissing yourself is like kissing your cousin. OH it's the Outkast Kiss where a kiss on the lips instantly makes the woman pregnant! i always loved that alternative take on life, nice and clean, fresh and clean even, less messy without all that sex messiness, very sci-fi fantasy human evolution.

* never trust a man with a potted plant as a hat.
Stevie Nicks: what can i say? i'm a gypsy, i need to be free.

* that saw makes me sad

* the lightning-round of every game show is rigged, you know that, right?

* fuck you maggot hearse Hava Nagila garam masal paint your wagon identical interests: i always trust the black guy in these situations

* Paint Your Wagon was when Clint Eastwood started to get angry...

* we're all God's doll parts, right, Courtney Love?

* woman: the devil tricked me! i had too much freedom! i choose the Pokémon Movie! but what if my brother is my soul mate? okay i'll go to Hell, but that humidity is gonna be hell on my already-frizzy hair.

* well at least we get to see three babes before our pants are pulled down to our humiliation.

* Jesus was lonely like the rest of us so he started a band...

* priest: it's not polygamy if it's sanctioned by the Catholic Church. marriage is a sin, i can say that as long as i keep this white collar on.

* we need our guns, we don't have drums…


happy weekend, my babies! this weekend we're a Bacon Maple Chicken sandwich family at Wendys. what's your favorite holiday sandwich?

Wednesday, December 5, 2018


the crones have spruced up quite nicely for their date. Gladyce has even put on a spruce tree as her dress. Doryce has gone the more traditional route wearing rainbow-striped anklesocks which stretch right into her cooch inside the folds. and a smoking tophat. she's obviously gonna be the one paying.

Doryce: i'll pay. no sudden moves or i'll know. it's a killer to walk in this but this is what i do for you for beauty. let's go, it's a walk in leaves wetted by freezing rain. it's been awhile since we've been back to the homefires, Obec is looking rainy and damp.

Gladyce: tis the season. i am so excited! i've never actually tasted lox before. i've seen bagels and lox since Night Court since forever everywhere on screen but this is my first time. i'm a bit scared, what is it exactly?

Doryce: i do all the fishing in this relationship, huh? it's like thinly-sliced veiny Heathcliff-fishboned barely-tasteable orange fish that won't scar you the way anchovies do with their pungency and eyes and paws. by night's end it will own the key to the lock of your heart. it looks like bacon but everything looks like bacon.

Doryce: huh, we're at the Bagel Bakery, it's a fancy restaurant, yet there is no line. i swing the door open like a swinger...

Euroclydon works here. her face is pale despite being dark and she wears her tangerine hair up in a high beehive to match the piles of food she serves on a silver tray. the mood is atmospheric with purple and blue dinner music being played surrounding-out the boarded-up Barded-up windows. the food is aligned in neat rows of wood for the public to pick at. overhead yellow lamps on swings heat the food and set the light mood to a dinner-light dim.

Doryce: wer're the Bagel Bakery Broads! oh my! you are one hot babe, dear!

Euroclydon: thank you. i'm getting used to blushing practicing for my wedding.

Doryce: do you mind if i turn you around, dear---watch the tray and your tray of tits---so i can get a gander at that insane ass you have tightly wound in jeans? i mean that thing is strings pulled up to perfection! your ass is bigger than your entire body yet smaller than your head, it's a miracle!

Euroclydon: not offended despite my cohort. i've been called worse here. it's nice to hear a compliment every once in a while even if it's couched in the old language. besides, you two are legends of the greatest generation we owe our freedom to you guys! i'm gonna blog this encounter when i get home.

Gladyce: oh you have a destination blog, too? you young people how you have to pay for college now, traveling from Puerto Rico. i'm guilty, too, but mine is murder. in order to publish a cogent post i have to skip lunch every Tuesday. yeah. bad for a batty like me but i'm sure your young butt bones can handle it, dear. you've got a figure to look after after all, it's good for you.

Doryce: don't explain, maintain. the old language? Euro? are you by chance from the Old Country!?

Euroclydon: everyone's from the old country. now what the hell do you want from me? sorry there's a lot of stress in the air like hay fever.

Doryce: *winking* gotcha, yeah it's true, it's like life was a certain way since the beginning of time and suddenly these last three years a blue-bolted swinging door came in and changed the fundamentals of how we walk on a street.

Euroclydon: what'll it be? i've lost my black pencil.

Euroclydon comes back and forth many times to that table offering many more views of the ass. for condiments and napkins and stuff. she returns with on her tray a huge long pile high up of their specialty.

Doryce: looks like a lot of hamburgers. they're halved but there's nothing in the buns, unlike you. oh no please, no more black dots on the bread i can't do that anymore, had that episode.

Euroclydon: all seven of these poppy bagels stacked high have a hidden compliment condiment in them, inside their buns, spread on in like butter, schmear. see i was called the Schmear Queer here for the longest.

Gladyce: kids are cruel. people are cruel. everypeople. luckily we're not most people. in fact we're not really people. in the classic sense, more the Classical sense. this is delightful dining, dear! thank you for all your hard work which goes unnoticed daily.

Euro: *smiling* thank you. my wedding will be a thumb-to-the-chin in these times. i wear my SJW as my badge of honor instead of my nameplate.

Doryce: well that's a lucky woman *lazy grin, tongue out* i smelt you a mile away, you were sisterhood from the start. good luck on your real destination. may the world bend to your love. in order to change the culture, you have to change the culture. and change it back. when it inevitably strays. that's your job on this planet, caretaker. take care.

Doryce: oh and for dessert on the way out the door, how about two well three of those green-tea boba shakes?

Euro: um those are actually drinks.

Doryce: *drinking* oh these little cute gummy roundabout brown balls, they look like my poo pellets back home in our home toilet......oh wow, how many of these boba things are here in this cup? i've already counted 100 bobas. there are fucking 1000 bobas in this damn cup! i can't eat them all, they're starting to replace the lining of my stomach they're too gummi! i think i'm gonna be sick, i'm gonna have to spew out the rest of the bobas like a Ms. Pac-man who realizes she's eaten too much for her frame! it's cool, right? you won't have to worry about us putting the bagels on our dicks and eating them that way taking each bite counter-clockwise and chewing.

Doryce: don't wash that floor for like an hour, like the bathroom. wait for it to spic then span. so was it good for you?

Gladyce: you paid the bill?

Doryce: sure i wrote something down. bagels and drinks all total came to 2 hundred bucks. the lox interestingly was not the most expensive, they catch 'em local. bread and water. but it was a steep price well-invested in order to eat well and to look well. as in looking at that ass the whole time was worth the money.

at the MSNBC Studios, Katy Tur is crying.

generic had-it black woman: i'm sorry for earlier at the vote booth, it's stressful down there. especially in Florida, you have to take your gun with you or you won't get registered. packing for progressives. can i make you some of my aunt's tater tots?

Katy: i'm crying cos i'm pregnant...

generic had-it black woman: oh no you dint! i thought that was your tit! i just thought your tit was that big and no wonder you were so popular!

Mueller: it's not mine, it's time. i don't have time for that, i'm standing up for the men and women of my FBI who do the work and get none of the glory on tv. they simply quietly go about their day doing their damn job, i'm proud of each and erry one'em! i mean can you imagine the stress of having to catch that crazed mailbomber BEFORE the fucking election!? i mean we couldn't catch him ON Election Day that would have been too suspicious for FOX. it's like suddenly our troops had this lifetime assignment they had to complete in a week! it's like studying the Bible and the Breaking Bad bible for a live televised debate that same Christmas Day wth Santa Claus himself Daniel Dennett. all of my men (and women) didn't have time to vote this cycle they were that busy. but we still won.

Katy: what's with all the black markings on your face, Bob? they look cute.

Mueller: this thing is far from over! hey ho tally ho mystery! i can do Skull and Bones, too. and keep digging for skullduggery. i've discovered my passion for art just as this thing was drawing to a close. i'd been writing discursively and typing fruitlessly for years but then i took out my black sharpie pen and started DRAWING! a whole new world opened up for me, i'm never gonna quit drawing!

Dirg: i know, right? the more you do it the better you get at it. the lines start to come naturally with erry stroke. shapes form. in your mind...

Bush 43: i started painting, that's how my drawing led me to salvation.

Chris Matthews: *interviewing Amy Klobuchar* you'd make a good President, run. more than anything else, not your mien or moxie or mothering, it's that you're hot. no i'm serious, now that i've got you up close and i get a good look at you under hot lights without your glasses on you are a fox! a real fox, not those FOX fakes. you come from the Genie Bouchard line of androids, right? i mean left. clobber 'em, Amy!

President Bump sits down at the pew and hands Michelle Obama a roll of stamps.

Bump: i'm giving these to you but you're gonna have to pay for them. they're fresh off the mint, no percentage price label on them yet. but they're legal.

Michelle really thinks about running at the moment of that handshake.

Bump: the only thing i remember about Bush 41 was the broccoli thing. if the President hates broccoli then i didn't have to eat any! oh and he was on SNL but so was i and i did it better and higher-ratingsier. i declared a Week of Mourning cos i just wanted a vacation from all this shit. plus it's raining. i just put it out there into the universe as we all do...

Laertus: sir you are a Squishy Wizard.

Dirg: stop trying to fit people into boxes with package labels to ship them off. enough with the lazy nerdoholic TVTropes, break free and through from tropes with TNT. or Trent Reznor's TVT label. if anything, our President is a black swan, there, that's more elegant, more ballet.

Bump: what is it with me and my administration and green vegetables? let's focus on the blue, i was looking at the map the other day and see all this blue everywhere all over the place and i'm like, so where's the global warming?

Laertus: sir that was the electoral map. the Denocrats took control back of the House. blue wave?

Bump: i catfished on that wave. looking for George Clooney. hoping our ally Japan would help us out with that wave, hoping it would wipe out Alaska so i wouldn't have to hear Palin's squawky voice on the phone again. Alaska is one of our trade partners, right? hoped it wasn't too big or bad so i wouldn't have to get out there in my surfer trunks for a photo-op with babes uh babies uh babies on boards. and did you see the strong calves on Gina this morning? she needs to workout those knees of hers to support her weight! her tit weight!

Laertus: sir, that wasn't a weather girl, that was Gina Haspil. maybe you should go to the hospital.

Bump: Erica Grow makes me grow.

Molly Qerim: back at First Take, how are you this fine morning, gentlemen? i'm happy cos Stephen A. is on remote location at some fleabag motel somewhere paid for by ESPN miles away from Bristol Connecticut, i got Max all to my lonesome self. everytime i look into his baby blues i am starstruck! you were in Creed II!

Stephen A. Smith: Molly the fleas are teaching me how to act. whenever i throw a brick at them, heehee.

Molly: you were born to act, Max! you were in Dirty Dancing my favorite movie of all time! i always wanted to do the Lift but i was always too ethnic for that, you know. us fatbottom girls.

Max: i'm not that Max Kellerman, though Jerry Orbach as you might suspect was a huge fight fan. he once boxed S. Epatha to a draw, she recounted as such at the Red Table. fat girls out there watching, just wait, you're young, eventually you'll grow into your body. all that fat will be transferred into your curves as an adult and you won't be able to fit into dresses, it'll be great!

Molly: you are so wise, Max. you came clean and talked about hitting your wife, that was so brave.

Max: i could cos there was no video of it. right, Bump? you bastard.

Bump: my sins?, just audio, no video. hello, Piers, my old friend, where the hell have you been?

Piers Morgan: you deported me back to Britain after Brexit, remember? left me on a lonely pier. the Plum Boys got scared of a foreigner on their soil broadcasting to Americans and flipped their shit and their Undercut wigs. i'm here with Ariana Grande...i've already won, debate over, my name's on the Twitter Trending. do you blame me? NOW snooty snark is acceptable, i'm just cashing in on my career.

Ariana: thank u, next. i don't remember you being this much of a wimpy wanker, you toned it down to honor Larry King which i watched with my Nan. didn't your mother ever...well ever? you watched Victorious? you better have a daughter. *smiles showing her sparklehorse gold teeth*

Piers: my mother taught me to seek truth and the falsehood of copy, not to speak it. you know, it was very surprising what happened after Victorious. the star of that show was supposed to hit it big, or even Liz Gilles in a Santa hat, but it turned out to be YOU. where is that Vega chick anyway now?

Ariana: MTV, the coffin of cuties.

Laertus: oh PLEASE let Liz Gillies and Matt Bennett be a thing! that would be a true babe-nerd pairing that would last! and a triumph for puppet freaks everywhere! Liz should do SNL.

Pete Davidson: what's the deal with getting breakup tattoos? what's the point of that? seems a bit counterintuitive. the love tattoo is cos you want to remember the person forever in permanent ink. why would you want a permanent reminder on your skin of a failure? a constant Memento you can't escape. your body is not allowing you to forget and move on.

Ariana: at least they weren't divorce tattoos.

Federer: speaking of SNL, i'm ready to do my podcast Detail now, my voice is relaxed and rested from the one-month offseason we get for opening Christmas presents. each year my wrapped Christmas packages are always in the shape of tennis racquets i can immediately tell what they are. racquets in not-so-good-shape. can't you tell how eased and easy my speaking voice is? and *push* the button with my ringed finger.

Chrissie Evert: like butta.

Federer: you're finally coming around. when it's just the two of us it's like a proper date. so how was your SNL experience?

Chrissie Evert: Dennis Perkins ranks me as one of the best sports hosts ever on SNL. after Joe Montana's masturbation nothing-in-his-head-but-echo-chamber skit. i had a Martina in mine and murdered Martina but it was all fun cos murder means nothing now. i wish the real Martina had been my scene partner but she wasn't cool enough yet then like she is now. i had just quit tennis then and really thought i was gonna be an actress...

Dirg: i don't care what nobody says, Perkins has the dream job, he watches tv because the shows offer him illegal rips of the show from the studio a week in advance, he went to his preppy East Coast quaint small-town Stephen King college to gain all those vocab words, he studied hard there and didn't watch tv, all so he could watch tv now. didn't have a tv in his dorm room all four years.

Laertus: it's not worth the soul-crushing comments he has to read which challenge his manlihood, livelihood, and leftyhood.

Federer: should i do SNL? there's no Swiss SNL late at night, just softcore cheese commercials with long pipes starring Mike McCarthy.

Chrissie: of course, Roger! Roddick sucked, take it from me.

Judge Judy: you know when people say my name now, all they think about is the obscene amount of money i make. it's not good for my image nor my tribe's. somewhere along the way i think i took the wrong track.

Bump: you should have been meaner, that's always the right tack. thumbtack up your doggy soggy bottom.

Judge Judy: i mean shouldn't i be a Chief Justice or something? like I should be Ruth Bader, not Ruth Bader. i look like Ruth Bader...without glasses...

Bump: it's yours if you handle Mueller for me. get me off on a tv technicality or something, like Mueller shouldn't have done that tv interview.

Eye Luggage: okay go, great show, why am i getting so many brochures at my doorstep? in the middle of my shrimp toast and kommunist kombucha from the Bouchard assembly line here at my desk, my mouth is a mess right now, looks a mess, my teeth are turnt, thank goddess for radio.

Dirg: fresh take: the little girl in the latest Doctor Who episode couldn't act for shit.

Eye: dude, the girl is BLIND!!!

Dirg: so? don't all you freaks want to be treated equally?

Laertus: i quite like how Chibnall hasn't used ANY of the classic Who monsters yet, let's hope that continues in the series finale, which doesn't mean the same in the States as on the Pond. that would be a fresh take on the franchise. and was that the first Doctor Who ever set in Norway?

at LUSh Dirg is on the blue bed in the private room apart from the soaps rack. needs a skeleton key to get in through the wooden sliding door, a skeleton key with the head of The Pope wearing a skullcap. he is lain there with his arms and feet in a cross, looking up and witnessing the myriad of dizzying blue-spark spells whizzing by his nose which Madame Pons activates with her wand wildly swinging back and forth causing the ceiling to rumble. bits of dried dusty concrete fall onto Dirg's catching tongue like a Slayer concert in a rainy white storm squall.

Dirg: i don't think this is working, Doc, you're freaking me out with all these ghosts but all i see are stars. the bed is soaking wet but i'm not feeling wet in my front.

Pons: you got the vaginal egg inserted in your dickhole?

Dirg: yeah but nothing. let me try something.

he stands up on the mattress and positions his penis into Pons's mouth pushing her down by her pointy shoulders getting his ringfinger stuck in her head of auburn wasp's-nest of fried coiled curls.

Dirg: it's okay. for science. it's not threatening cos i have an egg penis now...…...what if you join me? insert a vaginal egg into yourself and join me on the bed. we'll hold hands and not look at each other and everything, side-by-side.

Pons sweats it out but does exactly that. but she does turn to look at him on the bed.

Pons: anything for my patients. and my patience. hey, look at me, you've never looked at a woman before have you? i mean at her face. in her eyes.

Dirg: no. i don't get that in porn during the blowjob, it just freaks me out. those wiggling pupils while sucking.

there is no more action up top. only their words breathing a topsoil layer onto the chippy ceiling.

Pons: the zucchetto. the cap of skull. like a tight dress. capped off with a skull.

Dirg: and i like zucchini, it's as Italian as the Pope, looks like a cock. that should be the cap of Life not death.

Pons: fillerup?

Dirg: fill him up.

at the Mansion Dirg cannot be seen dropping two drops of Purple Stuff into Stan Lee's Coca-Cola cup. cos Coke is dark and hidden. Dirg is moving with his spindly ringfinger the dot which moves the cursor on Laertus's laptop desktop on Stan's desk. a Russian woman in a Mister Rogers sweater with an impossibly large model ass is asking silently if he can undress her?

Stan: *unparching* oooh that's good on a chilly night.

Dirg: pimp cup. Coke for the Bloke. a young person's beverage. yeah it's basically long-island iced tea.

Stan: where's your cup? aren't you thirsty?

Dirg: always. just look at the screen.

Stan: who's the woman?

Dirg: she's not important, i'll explain later. this is a foundational film about foundations. a guide not a gimmick generating geoducks with geodon inside. a manual not a movie. for form and function not fun. showtime...