Monday, October 31, 2022



that is, death notes:

did you see it last night? Death Note on The Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror, it was ABSOLUTELY ANIME AMAZING. no spoilers but that had to have been done by a Japanese studio house, the same one Miyazaki abandoned. salaryman, i love that word. 

1. true or false, you can never have enough money.

true. you need money to put on plays. i wish i had stuck by my UCLA summer drama teacher in 5th Grade, she was a cute spry young college-student intern teacher's assistant with freckles back then so now as a professor of drama she'd be a seasoned gilf wearing an old-lady hat with a purple jewel in the center that spills glitter and i'd be the perfect candidate for her kept boy, WHAT A LIFE that would be!!! she'd leave her husband and adult son to travel with me around the world, we'd shack up in Cancun and Ibiza and the Vatican. bonded by our love of the arts. 

2. will money solve all your problems? yes. because i need an EXTRA bag of candy for tonight. for me. and i need to get out of this costume, it doesn't look like what i'm going for. if you have to explain the costume, the costume is a failure. how many Halloween visitors are we gonna get at the house? my estimate is: 0.

3. i will not buy something unless it is new? (furniture, car, clothes)

i've never bought a piece of furniture in my life, my bed is my desk and dinner table. i can't go into a Good Will anymore until they clear the shelves of Kanye's donations, my back doesn't need a scratchy sweater this winter THAT bad. i towed away the repo man's car...

4. is it important to save for a rainy day? an emergency fund?

usually. but not in California where it doesn't rain anymore. whenever there's an emergency i call William Shatner over at Rescue 911. you KNOW Shatner will be there on the other end of the line, he will NEVER DIE, the man is 100 years old and went up into outer space, he is AN IMMORTAL.

5. if i win millions in the lottery i will ____

return the money IMMEDIATELY to the gas station and get some gas-station sushi instead. you see what happens to the families of all those lottery winners? they mysteriously disappear the next week.........they mysteriously have "accidents" at Christmas...

you gotta earn money the old-fashioned way. Wil Wheaton winning Jeopardy despite his GAD and chronic depression inspires me.

BONUS: dating costs money: dating apps, outfits, grooming, and the date itself. tell us how you plan to make a great cheap date?

hence the kept-boy route. it seems so easy on TikTok.........the only videos i watch on TikTok are kept-boy videos. i REALLY need to return to L.A....

best cheap date: movies. the best cheap date is a movie, you don't have to wear a mask. unless you go to Rocky Horror. you can be yourself. take her to a movie at 8PM, get out at 10PM, and spend the rest of the night walking alone just the two of you along a promenade with bistro lights next to a beach discussing the film. you'll talk so much you won't see the sun rise. if you're lucky a French street bum will accost you and dazzle her with a piece of his own improv poetry...


Friday, October 28, 2022




* Fujiko: there's a very powerful scene in the second-to-last episode of the Lupin III: Part 6 series, "The Memories of a Beloved Witch". it's pouring rain. bitter rain. i approach you, Lupin, because you've finally gone crazy, you've gone off the deep end from all your life chaos, all that running around, you've turned, you've gone over to the other side, the dark side, you've been Manchurian Candidate'd, Winter Soldiered. i touch your soaked blue-and-green jacket and whisper softly in your ear:

Fujiko: Lupin, only I may claim you.

Fujiko: that is so TENDER. i love it. i've never talked to you that way before, so real, not the usual back-and-forth tit-for-tat hijinks and psychological fooling around we play.
Lupin: and you do have some tits to play tat with. i was touched.
Fujiko: no games, just pure sincerity. best scene EVER written between the two of us interacting. this is when i prove to the audience that i actually DO care about you, it wasn't all just one big mindfuck for 60 years. i'm genuinely worried about you. i lean in and give you a bare hug, emotionally-bare hug, and a fragile wet kiss on your lips. it's sweet and somber.

Alexandra Maria Lara: i know about romantic rain, too...

Jigen: yeah i thought MY episode of unrequited love was the best one in 6. it's stark, it's serious, because love is serious. i show my soft side for once, i genuinely loved that woman and i genuinely think she's marrying the wrong man, it's not just a petty jealousy thing, it's pathos.

* Boc: EXERCISE IS FREE. exercise can be free if you walk in the morning. that's free exercise right there, all you have to do is walk in a strange area. don't have to pay a dime for health. who wants to pay late fees, who wants to be charged for a membership to some stinky gym?

* Terence McKenna: okay so i was off with the 2012 thing, but you know how the universe works, it's always off by 10 i'm thinking 2022...

Terence McKenna: yeah the problem was i COOKED the mushrooms, my grandma always guilted me into eating all her grey mushrooms cos she cooked them WITH LOVE, i had to clean my plate EVERY TIME, i got used to the cooked form of shrooms...

* Boc: coffee sure but you can't beat the cold, the 30-degree-Fahrenheit freezing COLD IN YOUR FACE to wake you as you walk in the morning. i'm my own Polar Bear Club. i'm just slowly seeing the sights, i'm not scouting out anything for plans. OH LOOK, a fellow hiker. OH LOOK, my first bicyclist riding down the middle of the empty highway!!!

* Bagel Bakery: we got a better view of the sunrise through our big-ass glass window than Baldemiro's Taco Shop does.
Melissa Maker in a blue wetsuit in the cold plunge: agree.
dolphin in the same cold-plunge pool: i got a crush on Melissa Maker.

* Madame Pons: in my LUSH shoppe today: champagne perfume, milk candles. come.

* Soakiness: the name of Mardith's band in high school

* Opendoor aquarium commercial: that woman is the American Amelie!!!

* Roger Federer: it's weird having the Basel Open without me. i OWNED the Basel Open. whenever i played it, i won it. this was my home tournament, my mom's basement is right next to the tennis court. next year, tho, i'm gonna OWN the Basel in i am going to be the business owner of the Basel Open, the CEO of the Basel Open.

* Cecily Strong: my Season 48 intro at the Chelsea Hotel. Cecily, Chelsea, get it? i'm a veteran now, the 4 newbie rookies call me Chelsea Cecily.
4: no, we call you Grandma Strong.

* Sheldon: in the unaired pilot of The Big Bang Theory, i was more cool, more like a Kurt Cobain type who was obsessed with cum and drew little semens with little semen tails in my high school physics notebook...

* Melissa Villasenor: i still have my youtube channel to work out my shit through comedy skits. one day i'll meet the man of my dreams: someone who can break my back during sex to cure my depression so i can stop taking these pills. it's an acupuncture thing. i'm doing well thanks for asking. with the youtube money i bought Villa Villekulla to live in, Pippi Longstocking's old house in La Brea...

* Jack Dorsey: did Musk just fire me? Elon Musk was calling me "Jack the Hack" in the halls just now...
Elon Musk: behind your back. behind your Jack back.
Jack Dorsey: i still have my jetpack.

* Del Mar French Laundry: Lupin III was born here, a baby wrapped in swaddling clothes iron-pressed by 3 fat French maids then left in a rolling laundry bin...

* Boc: notice the breakfast birds. don't feed them burnt bagel from the Bagel Bakery. there's nothing more spiritual than the first rays of sunshine from the sunrise filtering through a grocery store as you search for diapers. those bistro lights should be off by 7AM...

* Chris Cuomo: yeah i don't do morning. i don't do morning shows.

* Walmart annual Christmas advert
me: i love the holidays, i love when it snows cos the first frost gives me an excuse not to drive.
dad: we started shopping early this year, we started Dec 26 last year.
brother and sister on ladder: we go crazy with the lights, we get Griswolds with it. we're trying to decide who's the bigger asshole, Chevy Chase or Dan Harmon. 
sister on ladder: don't you dare...
grandma: food is life. my dumplings are empty, my dolma tastes like kitchen-fire smoke, my potato pancakes taste like Carl's Jr fries.
dad: i can carry 16 bags on my arms, ONE trip.........i thought this was grocery food, not Christmas presents...
Hanukkah: LIGHT THE WORLD with a TRILLION candles!!! the world needs it.
Santa in Hawaii: what do i want for Christmas? i want to see snow...
Diwali: you can't celebrate unless you DANCE, boy!!!
me: the holidays make you feel less alone. or more alone depending on your family. you don't have to be an adult for a few hours.........i took that to heart and for me ERRYDAY IS CHRISTMAS!!!

* Jamie from Progressive: that's my given birth name, Jay Money. remember, kids, LOCAL coffee shops, no more big-bad Starbucks. i saw you eyeing these scones earlier.
man: $4O BUCKS FOR ONE SCONE?!!!!!!!!!
Jamie: i have a confession to make, i've never changed a tire in my life...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: MCRIB, BABY!!!!!!!!! THE MCRIB!!!!!!!!! no i do NOT want to know how it's made!!!!!!!!! 

this is gonna be a cool weekend chewing a McRib to the SNL Halloween Special and then the next day we see how Death Note in the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror goes...

Wednesday, October 26, 2022



Mary Katherine Gallagher gets a visit in max prison from all the girls from Notre Dame High School who each wear a blue jumpsuit and red-and-black Harley Quinn wings. MKG has altered her appearance since, which alerts the guards, she's now butch with a shaved head and poofy purple '80s Jem hair and Jared diamond chains around her ankles. 
MKG: thank you for mocking Mary for me, it's cold comfort in here but it's something. i wear the tats of Jared Diamond not the mall shop the futurist.
Marc and Sarah King praying in a Catholic church eating two cylindrical McDonald's apple pies: ...
girls: what do you want us to do, boss?
MKG: Mary's hiding something, find out what it is. spy at an all-boys school if you have to, that's what i'd do, what i'd be doing now if i were free. to explore a schoolgirl's sexuality.
the Notre Dame girls scatter and disperse like Harley Quinn speed-dating until she gets to Joker.

the Mary statue knocks on Laney's door urgently.
Laney: i didn't know i had a door. what's up, babe?
Mary: i'm frittered. i'm scared about my future.
Laney: nah, you'll be fine, it's the rest of us, you know? i consult a futurist instead of a psychiatrist.
Mary: can you do me a HUGE favor?
Laney: anything, babe.
Mary: i slipped you a slip of paper, there, see it here in your palm?
Laney: like a Catholic palmreader.
Mary: don't lose it, keep it around your key chain, it contains my familial.
Lupin III: your origin story?
Mary: yes. where i really come from. i can't let it fall into enemy hands.

the gang having lunch after Sunday Mass at Burger King on Ventura Blvd.
Laney sucking on a french fry: isn't our church rad?
Harrison who dips that french fry in vanilla Frosty: yes. St. Cyril's of Jerusalem in Encino will stay an icon long after our untimely deaths.
Gerry who with puppy-dog eyes above his scruffy beard dips the french fry in poached-egg pepper: don't you love those gothic gold double-doors?
Ryan Stiles sucks Laney's finger and says nothing.

Kyle MacLachlan celebrating Mass on a Thursday afternoon in a furry priest robe delivers the sermon: Twin in two bedrock mountains overlooking a prehistoric valley...

Ian Curtis: love will tear us apart. except when love will bring us together, and it happened for two people because of me. Sam Riley and Alexandra Maria Lara. look at that cheeky smile on Sam's face on his wedding day. mate, the skinny-tie thing, the skinny-tie fad, where did that start anyway? it didn't start with me...

Judge Judy in her courtroom on her bench makes a series of rolled-eyed incredulous faces.
Judge Judy: boobie bar?.........really? a boobie bar?
the court crowd laughs.
the bailiff fires his gun.
the plaintiff does a backflip on the stand.
the defendant wets his pants and exits the courthouse in search of a pair of iron underpants.

The Pope: increasingly more and more i'm seeing nuns watch more and more porn.
Mary Katherine Gallagher: i blame Mary. all nuns are Marian women after all.
The Pope: is this because of MY response, MY tenure? because i'm a woman?.........i don't know but i know it's true cos i'm supplying the porn to these women with my Bend, Oregon Blockbuster card.

The Pope: i mean whatever you think of me, you have to admit that i'm at least living in the real modern world, the digital world not the dogma world, a world where social platforms can access convents. i don't live in Italy in the 1300s... 

Queen Elizabeth II: for the last time, i do NOT have a queen peen. yeah mate scrambled eggs are a snap!!! a Welsh gingersnap. just add some lemon and some...
Charles III: lemon? adding LEMON to the eggs makes them good?
Elizabeth punts Charles in the balls with one swift kick of her high heel which is encrusted with the crown jewels. Charles falls in a heap like a lead sack of potatoes to the palace floor.
Queen Elizabeth II: THAT is the secret ingredient, love. nutmeg.

Boc: Fleshlight Festival not the same as the Flashlight Festival.

Erik ten Hag: that's MY name not my wife Bianca's name.........and the name of her coven of a family.........we ride electric bicycles together down the street.
Simon Cowell: ...

Emma Watson: you're my soul mate, Draco.
Draco: so no sex?
Emma: no. not even a welly to your balls.
Draco: i mean.........honestly i'd rather be your ex-boyfriend.

Boc: i'm scared every time i go out walking in the morning...

Boc: at the end of my morning walk i race to the streetlight and push the button and push the button on my imaginary stopwatch on my wrist pretending i'm a jogger when in fact i'm a walker who doesn't race to buttons to keep time.

Dirg: when you're working alone at Taco Bell on the outskirts of the city of Carmel, it's a gloomy overcast sky all day, it's raining heavily THE ENTIRE SATURDAY, you think there won't be any customers cos of the rain but you still have to serve 40 people 40 tacos that rainy Saturday, THAT is when the depression hits...

Nottingham Forest: Robin Hood invented soccer...

Stu: *deep breath* my my, Cecily Strong, it sure is nice sitting next to you in this bar in Chicago.
Cecily Strong: *looks around* yeah, yeah, it's no Cheers bar but it'll do.........*awkward pause*
Stu: so.
Cecily: there's not gonna be any sex.
Stu: i just thought since this was the off-week from SNL that this.........could be the week that it would happen.

Larimar: i was the only film studio that took risks. i imagined Al Pacino as a leatherclad S&M gay man with a police hat, a gay guy, a messy mook. i also imagined the Crystal Gems from Steven Universe being straight...

Al Gore: i went to court to fight Potpourri, i would have won the Presidency if i had smelled better.

Baldemiro's Taco Shop: we see the sunrise and sunset sunshines FIRST through our window-walls on the hills.

NASA: guys, something weird is happening with our universe right now. it's starting to look like Daniel Radcliffe in Equus...

Steve Blum eating all the holy wafers in a scrunched pile like a Big Mac with smashed sesame buns anime-style: remember, get an agent. i can't stress this enough how important this is, not just in my anime business but all of show business and all business in general, especially your private business. think of the Roman Catholic Church globally worldwide as an EarthShip about to take off from the dug lawn into outer space... 

Lorne Michaels: what is this Goes Wrong Show shit? PBS's answer to Saturday Night Live? fuck PBS. there, i said it.

Jesse Helms in the first row: i boycotted Married With Children.........years later, the Fox Network became my BEST FRIEND.
Married...with Children: hey old man who looks like a corpse, put some RESPEC on our name. that's 3 DOTS!!!

Tory Party: we're the oldest party in the world, OF COURSE we're gonna have some fun, have some flat bubbly, at one of Boris Johnson's three-storie-flat backyard-bbq covid parties...

Ian Curtis: Control (2007), i'm here to tell you, i'm telling you, this film will linger in's the black-and-white of it, you know? will haunt you.

Ian Curtis: would i still be alive today in New Order if Tony Curtis had been my father?...

Three Busy Debras in Sunday-best dresses: yeah our show got canned but we were in the George Harrison "My Sweet Lord" music video, our lives have come full circle and we've reincarnated George-Harrison-style...

cop: you lift weights on your route? YOU?!!!
Boc: a skinny man can't lift weights before work? even tho that's weird. its plausible. it's a plausible explanation for my loitering. i'm freaked out by the mannequins in all the store-window shops, i think they're real people behind glass. i'm also creeped out whenever i walk by an industrial truck and take a look inside the window, i'm afraid i'll see a person in the driver's seat with his seatbelt on staring back at me as i peep and peek.
Boc: everybody wants you to quit. everybody wants you to quit walking, to quit taking your morning walks. the cop, the world, your priest, your inner voice. the key is to not give in to these voices and to continue to morning-walk day after day, year after year, until you achieve a six-pack instead of a gut, for health reasons only.

T. Rowe Price: you'll always remember buying your first Christmas leg lamp. or your first starter home.........i mean some people can only afford ONE HOUSE their whole lives but still...

Jodie Whittaker leads a discussion of Doctor Who at a Sunday-school classroom.
Rubikon: they shafted the black guy!!! did you see that ending? the show knows where their bread is buttered, they knew David Tennant was when the show was at an all-time popularity. shallow ratings grab.
Jodie: it's a difficult decision, innit. a philosophical one, an existential one: do you travel with the Doctor? on the one hand there are times you want to get away from EVERYONE, family, friends, lovers, and never come back. but the more you stay with me the more you realize you HAVE NO LIFE and i'm just a huge distraction from that.
The Clash: should i stay or should i go? still hasn't been answered.

Laertus: the best line was when the Black Doctor goes, "I'm the Doctor, mate, who the HELL are you?!!!" i cracked up.
Black Doctor in a helicopter: i wanted to say fuck there but the BBC has standards. i would have improvised my next line, it would have been to the Master's Jodie Whittaker clothes and dangling earring, if i had my druthers i would have said:

"what is.........all THIS then?"

pointing spider-fingered at the Master.

Eye Luggage: i mean, the erupting volcano in Iceland wouldn't have caused THAT much damage.

Vinder: Venger is not my daddy, Pedro Martinez is. my last line should have been:

"thank you Doctor, for helping me, for helping ME, little ol ME with my tiny problem. a wormhole to get home."

Yaz: me carrying the Doctor in the typical traditional Hollywood leading-man way was a nice touch.

Bob Barker: i'm in the Doctor Who Companion Support Group at the YMCA...

Boc: when you morning-walk, keep still and notice the birds.
power-washer on Boc's trail: i'm a poor power-washer. pobre power-washer. it's not my fault my little machine makes HELLA noise, everyone scatters to avoid me, they take alternate stairs, it's like i'm a dentist with a drill.

Cozy Cloister in Carmel: where Cotard secretly lives...
Codrus: and parties...

in Tatiana's studio Mardith is lain down naked on the massage table as Tatiana drips dots of red and yellow on her chest.
Mardith, blindfolded and smiling: i can't see what gooey thing is going on my body!!! is it hot candlewax?!!!
Tatiana: ketchup and mustard.
Mardith: even better.

Boc: my walks are sunrise walks, i walk greeting the sun. many a time i take the long way and walk across the lawn garden of St. Cyril's, which is kinda creepy. my forehead feels like a block of ice, it's a BRISK walk as in a CHILLY walk...

Trent Reznor in Confessional: i think i fucked up, father.
Father Navin: don't get too dark in here and tell me your troubles, son.
Trent: Tori Amos is in the booth with me, on my lap. she tells me i fucked up.
Tori Amos: you did. i'm into dark boys, obviously, i was into you but you rejected me.
Trent: not technically, all i said was i was too busy for you. work.
Tori: so i went to Neil Gaiman, another dark guy. now we share EVERYTHING.
Neil Gaiman: we share story ideas and song ideas, like we're married. but we're not, we just fuck in the cemetery moonlight.

Father Navin knocks on Shia LaBeouf's door.
Shia LaBeouf: i didn't know i had a door here. what's up, baby?
Father Navin: it's Toys for Tots season.
Shia: already? that's not a Christmas thing?
Navin: we're starting early at Halloween. help me, it'll do good for your soul.
Shia: wonders for my soul, my soul right now is the size of a nutmeg. okay where do i go to round up the kids?
Navin: please refrain from using that term. just do the usual things to coax them into coming in to fix their lives: Halloween cake, not full bars but packages of 6 full bars of chocolate, going to McDonald's to steal the toys from the Happy Meals, rainbow Fentanyl, recyclable Beanie Babies, '80s cartoons...

Navin: speaking of which...
Shia: i'm way ahead of you, Father. we're already in the den. remember that Muppet Babies episode "Nice To Have Gnome You"? see when i saw it the first time i didn't get the references but now that i watch it as an adult i've SEEN BOTH MOVIES!!! that Labyrinth wall Miss Piggy negotiated tho. 
Miss Piggy: i wish i had negotiated David Bowie in my dressing room into my contract.
Shia: and The Witches, those gnomes and demons, not talking about Anjelica Huston. Jim Henson properties.
Navin: hey did you notice all the stuff in this episode for adults? the lines of dialogue which would fly over kids' heads.
Shia: i know, RIGHT?!!! it's brilliant to go back and understand this stuff now: making whoopee in the swamp, librarians who can't get laid, and NANNY'S REAL FACE!!!
Navin: they revealed what she looks like?
Shia: no but in the modern reboot there's a scene where Nanny comes to the door and you see in her shadow what her hairstyle finally looks like...

Navin: Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends, loved that show. so cheesy, stilted-as-fuck animation, but the stories were great. when i watched that show i felt as a 4th-grader i could come up with stories like that.
Shia: writing for TV is a cinch. i feel ya, padre. yeah, Angelica tho, Firestar, she was one righteous babe. did you see that episode where Spidey falls in love with the Girl From Tomorrow? Firestar is okay with this, she says

Firestar: and Spidey, she's WONDERFUL.

no jealousy whatsoever. she supports Spidey!!! and in that episode when they think they've lost their friend and roommate Peter Parker forever Firestar gives him a farewell kiss ON THE MOUTH the way the fans wanted!!! that's pretty bold for a children's cartoon!!! 
Navin: it was the '80s.
Shia: i practiced in front of the mirror whooshing myself inside a block of ice, turning naked, then punching my way out of the block of ice...

Navin: my biggest takeaway was how Angelica got coffee for her father, Firestar used TAP WATER to make coffee!!! you go girl. reminds me of the priest kitchenette break room we have here.

Shia: you know, Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends was the first time i felt deep depression, first time i experienced a wave of dread come over me. that was the first show series i finished, the first time the kid of me watched the LAST episode of something. the show would never be new to me again and i FELT that, i felt so COLD inside, there was a peach pit in my knees as i contemplated as a little boy the concept of endings.
Navin: want me to go get Iceman for you?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Ian Curtis: the thing is, i did everything TOO YOUNG. i married too young. i died too young. i just wanted to be the boy with the melodica.

Eye: Lupin III: Dead or Alive and go.
Monkey Punch: hi. I directed this thing. myself. I AM NEVER DIRECTING AGAIN!!! WAY too much work for a measly movie which made no money. it has since been reassessed as a classic film box office be damned. yeah that's nice and all but i didn't receive one penny in my coffers from this. all those late nights eating McDonald's and getting fat at the office for no fame. i don't care about money anymore cos i'm dead.

Monkey Punch: the computer graphics in this are cool!!! that was all me. LESS work with computer graphics, let the computer do it. i wanted the original Macintosh computers to be in this cartoon, those cute tiny computers that look like a slice of bread, but Steve Jobs hadn't invented them yet.
Lupin: i got my red jacket on this time, my ketchup jacket. wait am i gonna sound weird like Krillin or like my usual cool voice? its weird how i've never had a French accent this whole time. 

Spanky: take me back to a simpler time, Lupin!!! break me out of prison and let me heal aboard the hospital boat of the Red Cross Rascals.

Zufu: we coulda been Wakanda...

Jigen: so this is basically Iran, right?
Goemon: am i sexless? no seriously, i really need to know. the sword jokes are getting a bit much.

nanomachines: still new in the '90s. faster than that guy who talked fast in the '80s selling cars the size of a dime...

Prince Panish: i punish those who don't like bread. 
Oleander: make that bread with oil butter.
General Headhunter: i wanted to be a spy but my name...

Headhunter: this coup was necessary, the country's TAXING YOU UP THE WAZOO. everything will be fine with a flat tax enforced with this flat sword. 
Goemon: flaccid's not funny.
Headhunter: a country has always done better after a coup...

Emera: i'm green with envy, you can see it in my eyes. cigarette ash is healthy for you if you eat it...

Fujiko: okay will i use my BODY or my brains to solve THIS caper? a little of both as it turns out, tho i start off in a Mortal Kombat tournament in a pink leotard in honor of Olivia Newton-John. fighting a butch Amazon woman, that is so '90s callous. 
Amazon: how do you think i feel, i got my tits pierced with spikes!!!
Fujiko: that's the fashion these days, everybody's getting everything pierced. i TOLD you i was small but flexible and into bondage.

Oleander: this is starting to look like Castle of Cagliostro. right? with the princess rooms of banners and the hallways in Medieval castles with those long stretches of grey-rubble stone walkways in the clouds. 
Monkey Punch: the difference being i DIDN'T DIRECT Castle of Cagliostro and ate fried biscuits the rest of the time.

Crisis: yes. my name is Crisis. am i a good guy or a bad guy? do i SOLVE crises or CAUSE crises?

Fujiko: sigh. in Hollywood you're either a secretary or a whore. fine i'll PRETEND to be a secretary to the REAL Emera. is that you?
Emera: i hate my father the king, he keeps me cooped up in my bedroom high in this tower and i don't have long hair.
Fujiko: locked up more like. he's your stepfather, right? hey let's do the ol' switcheroo trick!!! i'll pretend i'm reading to a dummy under the covers of the bed. let's use a hot water bottle for your head.
Emera reaches.
Fujiko: HEY!!! those aren't hot water bottles, those are my tits!!!

Fujiko: your father being held prisoner is the famous Dr. Voltsky? the same Voltsky who invented the electric vibrator?!!!
Emera: yeah. the king the dick said he was dead and psychologically wounded me.
Fujiko: i know but can a man really design a vibrator?

Oleander: i'm working undercover at this Cheers bar. i have a freezer that plugs into a solar panel. want a White Claw? 
Crisis: you better not be part of the resistance. the Resistance wants to raise your taxes.
Panish: hi, i'm gonna win this. look how media-savvy i am, look how good i look on TV!!!
Zenigata: it's weird but i've never had handcuffs on before. the floaty feeling on my wrists, it's kinky, i'm getting into this.

Fujiko: the pendant is the key.
Oleander: i got it at Jared.
Fujiko: no your pendant is LITERALLY a key.

Fujiko: okay boys i get my cut of 75% of the loot, i helped with the computer stuff. 
Gerry: i'm good with computers.........anyone?.........there's a reverb in this cave...
Fujiko: those computer classes at San Diego State finally paid off.

security nanomachines: we're made of gold cos gold is secure. gold is the securest commodity.

Crisis, dying, getting squashed by nanomachines: turns out i had an existential crisis WITHIN ME.

Lupin: i'm so cool i threw this bullet instead of shooting it from a gun and it worked the same way, good thing the tendril was wrapped in an arm-cast and listens to Soundgarden. if you rub the firing pin with butter it has the same effect as shooting it.

Headhunter: come on, don't you guys watch Power Rangers? the bad guy after dead always comes back as a giant robot or a giant kaiju or something.

Fujiko: YEEHAW!!! LOOK AT ME SWIMMING IN MONEY!!! i'm naked on top of this big pile of gold dust, now i can pay off that crooked KGB agent Scrooge McDuck and i don't have to FUCK A DUCK!!! i'm so relieved.

Goemon, crying: i used to be so stoic. i samurai-sliced Headhunter and he turned into the perfect husband for Stevie Nicks. i feel so bad for Stevie Nicks...

Data: i could marry Stevie Nicks. i need to learn robot sex before my son's bar mitzvah. 
Dr. Noonien Soong in a labored voice: i'm Often Wrong but not about this: android asexuality is a fiction.

Zenigata: LUPIN!!!
Lupin: take my hand, Pops. my fake hand.
Zenigata: ewwwww this hand is covered in mayonnaise!!!

Oleander: the revolution is dead. all revolutions die, but does love die?
Prince Panish: this country's gonna be alright, i've been in a wheelchair this whole time...

Jigen: i'm going west to Disneyland, i love kids and having kids.
Goemon: i'm Asian so of course i go to the East.
Fujiko: i'm heading to a beach in right-wing Brazil to sunbathe topless in the nude. my Donald is waiting for me there...
Donald Duck in Donald Duck voice: SHE is why i joined the Navy.
Lupin: going to visit my real father Santa Claus...
Laertus: nice touch, very clever, very nice with the four Lupins actually the four points of a compass.

Oleander: awww that's cute the two of us having our moment, kissing bathed in moonlight in a pub through the secret-bunker pub's only window.
Panish: yes. blast-shelter smooch. blast-shelter buss. we're kissing ON THE LIPS i might add. the music swells in romantic overtures the Overture of Love. sweet moment as we stare into each other's blue from the moonlight.
Oleander: kiss by eclipse. eclipse kiss. the Solar Eclipse out tonight, retrograde of Jupiter.
Dirg: Jupiter's Claim Is For Lovers. g'night folks.

Laney reads the slip.
Laney: oh i get it now, this is about your being.
Mary, crying, hugs Laney like a sister. a blood sister not a nun.
Mary wiping away tears from her robe: yes. i was born right here on these grounds. my real name is Magdalena. i am the daughter of Lili St. Cyr.



Monday, October 24, 2022



1. what are you focusing on in your life right now?

a) finding greater purpose the greatest life lessons are accidents
b) feeling less alone i'm alone when i type
c) feeling more motivated TMIT is my job now
d) improving anxiety i watched a Mel Brooks film about this
e) working on relationships JENNIFER PIZARRO I MANIFEST THEE!!!

2. select one thing that you value most right now:

a) being a good partner or friend being a friend is cool but being a partner pays.
b) becoming your best self only the CyberMasters from Doctor Who can achieve self-realization.
c) feeling happier, more fulfilled i fill myself with sadness every breakfast by eating cupcakes.
d) performing well at work i am my own boss which means when the corporate lawsuit comes down i will act as my own attorney...

3. which type of well-being tool is of most interest to you? take it from me, a survivor of bullies on the St. Cyril's of Jerusalem in Encino's black-asphalt playgrounds, don't be fooled by bullies, all bullies are tools and they do NOT want to be your friend, they're tricking you.

a) guided meditation why is every voice on those guided-meditation tapes Australian? mine was Steve Irwin, he spoke to me when i played the tape backward, Steve told me THE STINGRAY DIDN'T WIN.
b) life coaching workshops my life coach is Prince Harry...
c) personal therapy i talk to myself then i send myself the bill.
d) social content "content" is the WORST WORD in the English language.

4. on a scale from 1 to 5, how much are you enjoying your life?

1=not at all


5. what have you been struggling with lately?

a) feeling needed women just want me for my body...of work.
b) making friends my last real friend was Lucio Rossi in 8th Grade...
c) improving mental health don't take my word for it but i do really think that this is impossible to do. i'm not a professional but i've lived it. self-care isn't an Instagram fad it's a lifestyle. all of my days now are me taking a personal day...
d) building career i used to build with LEGOs but once you go Playmobil you never go back.
e) feeling supported all my socks have holes just in time for winter

BONUS: on a scale from 1 to 5, how hopeful do you feel about the future?

1=not at all


Friday, October 21, 2022




* Amelie was a PERFECT movie.........except it shoulda been inside the Eiffel Tower at Madame Brasserie's.
Amelie from Amelie: dinner tastes better under a tower.
Kurt Cobain: ...
Amelie: in France, we don't eat at restaurants, we socialize. there is no eating at all. French film is cinema, there is no perfect art.........all artists are introverts...

* Liz Truss: FUCK ALL. i got the record, do you? i never wanted to be Prime Minister. fuck this job, fuck the government, governing SUCKS. did you know i was the inspiration for the Beatles song "Meter Maid"? hasta la vista, baby, i'm outta here. i'm gonna drink some Minute Maid orange juice and i'm outta here. bye.........just.........bye.

* Michael Weiss: why are all the internet influencers dying? they're dropping like flies, dropping like mosquitoes on a hot Autumn day...

* Gwyneth Paltrow: i slept with someone i shouldn't have.........and it was great. i wanted to sleep with the Radiohead singer instead of my ex-husband but Thom was away visiting Smurf Village...

* chicken of the woods: Super Mario's secret ingredient that gets him high uh that allows him to jump high...

* Moog Matriarch: back in the day, when Keith Emerson was Luke Skywalker...
Moog Grandmother: i was doing electronica WAY before Kraftwerk...

* Draco Malfoy: ready for the handoff?
Daniel Radcliffe: of Emma Watson?
Draco: no, the wand. this is an intense action scene!!!
Daniel: not the action i was hoping for...

* Lorne Michaels on stage: gather round, everybody. okay i want all of us to attend an acting workshop during the off-week, okay? everyone, this SNL season needs it, okay? even me, okay? everybody, okay? the writers, the crew, the kept boys. it'll be good to get out of the office, get some fresh air, stretch out our legs in the snows of Buffalo, New York. 

* Boc: you don't understand, i SWEAT on my morning walks WITHOUT A SWEATER ON!!! i only walk in the morning with the sun up, i never walk in the dark. alone. not just a soccer thing. hey where are all the DOG COUPLES along the path?!!! right?!!! two people with two separate dogs on two separate leashes walking side-by-side vertically on the path. all the dog couples come from the hotel guests, they look like a cute pairing of Regis and Kelly uh Regis and Kathie Lee. 

* Boc: what's with the YELLOW TAPE?!!! that ain't gonna stop me!!! i can walk around it!!! what is this, a construction site all of a sudden?
construction workers: no, we just need a space for us to feel safe. without monks. to garden the way we want. to bring out the Beck blower and crank that noisy sucker up before dawn.
Boc: i make sure to wear a white T-shirt that's respectable, if i wear my pink striped T-shirt the morality cops will harass me. i make it a point to wear the pink striped shirt with the big torn hole in the chesticles area.

* Orionid: and chives. not a joke.

* Jacquemus: named after Jackie O's many moods...

* Frijoles Pop: a very interesting-tasting soda.........tastes like stringent Dr. Pepper and Mr. Pibb mixed together.

* Little Red Riding Hood: grandma, is that you? i heard squeaking and thought it was the wolf.
Grandma: no the squeaking was me, the squeaking was coming from my bed, Julian Edelman is over again.
wolf: a squeaky toy won't stop me. now a teething ring, a teething ring would stop me...

* Morgan Smith-Goodwin: remember ME? with the RED hair? doing all those Wendy's commercials. the salads and such. now they got this other bitch uh babe in the new Wendy's commercials and she has a.........NICE BUTT but no red hair.

* Dupixent
firefighter: there's nothing like being a firefighter.
surfer: there's nothing like being a surfer.
firefighter: there's nothing like being a surfer. i simply fight all my fires in the ocean, it's cinchy. i'm old and i volunteer to fight fires, what the hell am i doing?!!! nobody knows i have eczema cos they think it's all burns.
surfer: there's nothing like being a firefighter. i swim on the wave of each flame of fire i tackle. i use an eschatological view of the world to calm all flames down with my morning mantra. all surfers are failed Instagram yoga babes. nobody knows i have eczema cos i wear my wetsuit over my ankles...

* WhatsApp
counterman: before we start know that there's a hidden camera THERE and THERE. don't get mad at me, i'm an actor, i have to make a living just like you do which is why you're mailing this package.
man: but that's precious cargo, that's my love letter to my Instagram crush, that's my last chance at love. are you sure you want to be attaching that to a pigeon's talons?.........the pigeon flew to McDonald's not the mailbox!!!
counterman: sir sir don't get angry. your face looks like it's about to boil over red.
man in trucker cap: these past two years have been hard for me, i voted for Trump, you know?

* Wakanda Forever
girl: wanna see my sketchpad?
scientist: those aren't your fashion-designer blueprints?
girl: i'm trying to invent a self-sufficient source of eternal energy.
scientist: i see you, genius. i promise i won't steal your idea.
girl: i got inspired for the sphere shape from the Target logo.
scientist: i mean Target is taking a LOT of credit here but whatever.

* Lexus Wizard of Oz
woman wearing a picnic blanket: fuck the Yellow Brick Road, let's go on this red road.
daughter: mommy, what's the red about?
woman: we're on Mars, baby!!!
husband: those white THX 1138 cops on white motorbikes are chasing us.........ironic.
son: mommy, can i try the lollipop crop?
mommy: no. lollipops shouldn't be the size of your face.

happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: Taco Bell. for breakfast. wait i have to get up early for this? the only way this trip will be worth it is if.........Pete Davidson is right there in the same Taco Bell i'm in.

Wednesday, October 19, 2022


Mary Katherine Gallagher looks the Mary statue square in the eye.
MKG: i'm ready for you, bitch. 
Laney: what's this all about then.
MKG: oh i'm just 'bout to have a bout with this Mary statue here, i see her mocking me.
Laney: it's not alive. it's made of fine marble. Mary is a fine woman.
MKG: i know i'm ugly, she's mocking me cos she's also named Mary but she's hot. and the Daughter of God. so we're gonna settle it right here right now on church grounds so the result will be sanctified.

MKG smells her armpits to get ready, she takes a GIANT whiff.
Harrison: yeah i do that too, i smell my ballsac like that, before dates.........DURING dates.
Gerry: i can't eat meat ever since i saw you do that at the diner, Harrison. i only have Big Salads now.
Ryan Stiles: i smell my brain on dates.

MKG: the sound of rumbling against ropes...

MKG: the only real music is electronica.
Mary: no the only real music is post-punk.
MKG: well then there you go. so get ready to DIE for your beliefs.

Daphne from Scooby-Doo: when i stand up straight, why does my hip point completely off to one side ignoring the sky?

bracero: you can be a future dentist if you want, you can be anything in this country...

Jennifer Westhoven: when i see myself on TV, when i see me behind that CNN HLN Headline News newsdesk like that, i see my FAT enormous giant big tits in a warm fuzzy beige Fall sweater, i know i'm gonna be okay. these tits will give me a good life.

Rubikon: it's surreal because i do want to try new CBD pills by mail, but not the DR. OZ new CBD pills, you know?

Mardith: you won't BELIEVE what i found in my mom's medicine cabinet this morning.
Tatiana: you shouldn't be snooping in there, mate.........soul mate.
Mardith: i know but.........that's not the point. CBD GUMMIES were in my mom's medicine cabinet!!! i never thought in a BILLION years i'd live LONG enough to see that!!! 
Madame Pons: i did gummies LONG before it was cool. i was the cool mom on the block selling dope before it was fashionable. i was the cool mom before i had kids.
Tatiana: you got a smart mom who's knowledgeable about her options.
Mardith: i know, that's the thing, i'm weirdly proud of her, she's taking care of her health, the gummi oil will stretch out her joints, help her walk again without a cane. i'm proud of her, it's just weird, you know? and that SMELL!!! when i took a whiff of the bottle i screwed open, they smell like gummi worms dipped in a vat of STRONG SEWAGE.
Madame Pons: i can be a good mom to you, Mardith, is what i'm saying, i'll steer you right medicine-wise. 
Mardith: bye, mom, i'm going out. i'm gonna spend 80% of my time from now on with Tatiana. don't wait up. don't worry, i'll be safe!!!

Bas Bleu: it's not really blue unless it's French blue.
"Blue Monday": ...

inflation: inflation is an important concept.........not economic inflation, cosmological inflation.

Michael Weiss: consistency on Instagram is SO important.

Boc: when i take my morning walk, i see all the short-buses and the yellow schoolbuses drive by, there are no kids in them!!! where are all the kids?!!! it's weird. all the buses are empty.

Boc gets accosted midway by a Carmel cop under the jurisdiction of Obec.
Boc: oh fuck here we go, fucking cops. haven't we gays been harassed by you guys enough throughout history?
cop: as you can see, i am undercover. what are you doing here all by yourself so late at night trespassing like a thug and loitering like a gang member and walking on private property where you ain't supposed to be?
Boc: NIGHT? it's MORNING!!! it's 7:30 in the AM. i mean if it was 3AM then maybe you'd have something. don't i have the right to EXERCISE?
cop: but there's nobody here everyday you walk through The Barnyard.
Boc: i know but is that MY problem? nobody wants to exercise anymore!!! this town is DEAD from old-age people, old people not in tune with New Age. what if i told you i was merely heading for that French patisserie at the end of the barnyard path. for some non-CBD baked goods. don't i have the right to go to a bakery? don't i have the right to bakery my breakfast? don't i have the right to EAT BREAKFAST?!!! DON'T TOUCH ME!!!
cop: fine whatever just get the FUCK outta my sight!!! scram, gayboy. i don't want to see your ugly mug in this town ever again.
Boc: i will be right back here on this path tomorrow morning. i'm prettier than your sister, that's all that matters to me. you know these walks really work, i am SWEATING after them even when the sky is OVERCAST!!! i feel my HEARTBEAT faster, i'm more ALIVE after.

Madame Pons: i want to go to Paris for one reason and one reason only.
Doryce: the French men?
Madame Pons: no.
Doryce: the French bras?
Madame Pons: kinda. the Madame Brasserie Restaurant inside the Eiffel Tower.

The Good Feet Store: don't worry, kid, you can say "suck" on TV now.

AJ Mleczko: LET'S GO!!!.........want some of my milk?

Andromeda Dunker: now that's a name

Whistle Street: safe for women, where The Pogues play.

Balboa Park: soccer in the '80s, Zen garden now.

Father Navin and Shia LaBeouf continue to watch '80s cartoons in Father Navin's den.
Cyber City Oedo 808: Oedo here means Tokyo. like Obec means Carmel. 808 was the old area code of Van Nuys-Encino in the '80s. 
Shia: i mean watching this first episode it's obvious the writers had JUST come from watching Die Hard. the whole tall building coming down thing?
Father Navin: who's the woman?
Oedo: which? prisoner-protagonist-with-a-heart-of-gold's girlfriend?
Father Navin: no one of the 3 main characters. character prisoners.
Oedo:  that's a man. he's all glammed up to look like David Bowie.
Father Navin: that is my dream. to be David Bowie behind the altar.

Alita Battle Angel: in the end, you can only be who you are. please, let's not quibble over if Ghost in the Shell did it better, all that matters is if MY modern real-life Hollywood movie retelling was better than Scarjo as The Major...
Amanda Winn-Lee: you know, it is so FREEING when you get to be my age, you're settled, you've had a special-needs kid, nobody's opinion matters anymore, you can be FREE ON TWITTER and damn the consequences. i'm feminist and i like it. i like that the Ukraine war will elect Biden again. see how BRATTY i was playing Alita? imagine if i infused Rei Ayanami from Neon Genesis Evangelion with that brattiness? Rei with my Alita brat voice to make Rei more talkative, the producers were on my ass constantly trying to get Rei to open up more.
Shia: oh but that second episode was so SAD. the poor girl Alita has her first teenage crush, her first impulsive kiss, her first taste of love, and the boy ends up falling off a high walkway in the clouds. to his robotic death. talk about DEPRESSING. i joined the Roman Catholic Church to ERASE my depression.

BJ Ward: yeah i was the blonde babe in that Robo Force cartoon, i mean that thing was EVER a toyetic cartoon!!! filmed at the Nazca Lines in Peru. blonde babe not blonde bimbo, she was a scientist. despite my name i did NOT sleep around to get ahead, i know it was the '80s but there's not as much room in those soundbooths as you might think.

Dungeons & Dragons: the final episode, "Requiem" is FINALLY here. no not that cheap reading of the final script at some con in Salt Lake City, that was bunk. this was ACTUALLY ANIMATED, lovingly, painstakingly, with the original characters, how they got the cut-out character footage to match the linereading i'll never know. not to mention painting all the backgrounds. it's the ONE GOOD THING ON YOUTUBE. 
Father Navin: spoiler alert: Venger is Dungeon Master's son. i identify strongly with Dungeon Master.
Shia: oh the end-credits song when the camera pans across the entire amusement park the Dungeons & Dragons ride is in, that always makes me nostalgic for the simple times of the '80s when all you did was play with your mother.
Eric: i was a BRAT. i was patterned after Casey Kasem's rich childhood. i was the ginger in the Partridge Family, Corey FELDMAN not Haim. 
Hank: hey did you see in the finale how i held Sheila's hand there at the end? that proves we have a future together when we go home. we're gonna run away from our parents on the same day during summer vacation and shack up in a bungalow in Reseda. that had such a Brady Bunch vibe to it.

Eye Luggage: Control (2007) and go.
Alexandra Maria Lara: okay CAN WE TALK ABOUT MY WEDDING PICTURES? like, right?!!! look at us up there!!! look how HAPPY we are!!! look how ADORABLE we are together!!! we were BORN to be a couple!!! i don't know if it's the German-Romanian thing but my SMILE is just so sincere, i'm RADIATING WARMTH. i'm rubbing my belly as i gaze into my lover Sam Riley's eyes cos he's my only anchor in this wild world, my only connection to a child's innocence. we got a kid, that's it, it's done. 
Sam Riley: yeah, the chase is over, i am a settled man and i am CHIPPER about my life. i got pinned down and that's all she wrote. my band didn't go anywhere but i don't care about that anymore.

Ian Curtis: i LOVE that this entire film is completely in black-and-white. 
Anton Corbijn: thanks. it adds to the permanent mood of the film, makes that whole time period more stark, more lovely. the black-and-white thing was suggested to me by Trent Reznor who was playing cards one night with Kurt Cobain in their flat and they decided to give me a call on the non-Apple telephone payphone outside during a rainstorm. they were really rowdy and abusive on the phone, like it was a dare or something. i had to settle those two unruly frat bros down with a slice of Dutch apple pie and creme-fraiche top.
Ian Curtis: yeah, the B&W. it's just weird for me to see that cos i ACTUALLY LIVED what's on the screen but when i lived it it was NOT in black and white. in fact the color was a little TOO real for me, too vivid.

Ian Curtis: it's the ultimate irony that i killed myself in part because i couldn't keep my marriage together but the bloke who PLAYS me married my MISTRESS in real life...

Ian Curtis: maybe i could have stayed alive for my mistress? i mean yeah sure there would have been hell to pay for a few years, i'd get hot blowback from hell on my face for a while, my daughter would have hated me forever, but eventually all parties would have moved on.........24 hours later...


Ian Curtis: these are the warning signs, these are the red flags, when i dropped out of school to write poetry, that's when you knew i was taking life WAY too seriously. putting the mysteries of the universe to paper. trying to figure out something that is unfigureoutable.  

Laertus's dad: oh i LOVE Ian Curtis's room in the British projects. it's as stark as he is. a couple of tiny posters of Bowie and Sex Pistols, pinned concert tickets. and THREE LARGE GREEN NOTEBOOKS of lyrics, poetry, and random stray thoughts. i need to do that from now on.
Laertus: right? i already organize like that. makes writing these screenplays and blog posts that much easier, less time-consuming.

teacher: Ian, why hasn't the sun exploded?
Ian Curtis in biology class: hydrogen? oxygen? i don't know, sir. sorry, i spaced out there for a life. is this the type of lab that makes drugs?
teacher: i thought you said you wanted to be a scientist.
Ian: i just don't want to eat beans anymore.

Debbie Curtis: *Cockney accent* all-right.
Ian: can we hook up?
Debbie: behind Hooky's back? Peter Hook will not like that. Peter Hook is playing hooky from school and does NOT consent to be part of any biopic. yer, tell you what, come up with a poem right NOW right here on the spot off the top of your balled head and i'll hold hands with you behind Hooky's back on the bed.

Ian: is it ethical to steal prescription medication from the medicine cabinets of pensioners?
Hooky: they're old ladies, they're gonna go soon. beddy-bye for bints. it's not like you're stealing their CBD gummies or anything. you'll be in a band soon and you can purge and catharsis through your songs.

New Order: we are a shite band. wanna help us out and sing?
Ian: yeah alright. a way for us to get out of the projects. it'll be fine, lads, we'll be like the Sex Pistols but quieter.

Ian: i help people get jobs, ironically cos i can't find MYSELF a job.
boss: Ian, i am your employer, what's with the HATE jacket?
Ian: sorry sir, i know you're against animal leather. black animals especially. i'm starting a trend that won't hit for, like, 20 years.  
Billy Corgan: my ZERO shirt, direct inspiration from Ian's HATE jacket.
boss: it's just the customers see you wearing that jacket and aren't too keen on you helping them.

Ian: i'm tired and sleeping all the time. i have fits all the time, not fits of anger despite me being in a dark band, fits of epilepsy. these epileptic seizures will be the death of me, not literally, figuratively. wait, that girl i helped DIED from a fit?!!! that's MY fucking death there, too!!! what's the point of living on?

nurse: you're a FATHER!!!
Ian: i need a smoke.
nurse: NO!!! i've seen this movie too many times before!!! the new dad goes for a pack of cigarettes and never comes back!!!

Debbie: can you help me find a job?
Ian: sorry, i can't help you with that.
Debbie: i'm gonna have to be a whorehouse waitress for the time being, SOMEBODY's gotta feed our kid while you're off gallivanting on a fancy with song notes in your head and unsold lyrics in your mouth. you can't even really sing, it's just mumbling, you know? i'm the only one who loves you so I tell you the truth.
Ian: thanks, Debs, i owe you the world. mumblecore will owe a debt to me. oh and when we have sex and i start to cry know that it's not you, it's me coming up with lyrics. i got a little Philip K. Dick to me.
Debbie: yeah that's okay, no more fucking, one kid is enough.

Debbie: i'm gonna kip round the shops in my baby-stroller, can i get you a pack of smokes?

Toby Kebbell: you've heard of the nip slip, aye? well in my underwear i show you my DICK SLIP.

Craig Parkinson: i am the EXACT OPPOSITE of Steve Coogan in demeanor here. when i say i'll sign the contract with my own blood i mean that not as a gag, as a bit, but in a SINCERE ATTEMPT to bring culture into this world and into Manchester. you know i lost 10 years off my life pulling that stunt. and no UFO came down to save me and pump me blood. 

Ian: can i stay over? Debbie and i had a row.
friend: sure friend, can i be in your band?
Ian: beans? really?
silent serious imaginary childhood friend: BEANS!!! the British staple!!! Heinz blue beans for brekkie, lunch, and supper for your blue balls!!!

Ian: is it too much to ask to have a headrest pillow in a car with no A.C. in 40-celsius heat in winter? the next time i have an epileptic seizure i'm calling the Highway to Hell guys. doesn't London like music?

at the emergency room.
Hooky: why was Ian convulsing by the side of the highway road like that?
Santa Claus goldminer: he has epilepsy.
Hooky: so he's a balls-to-the-head?
Santa: is that a porn term?
Hooky: he's daft? he's a minger?
Santa: that's very rude. Ian has an illness.
Hooky: all i meant was that Ian was a soccer player.

Ian: what's the medicine i need to take? i promise i won't steal it from my own medicine cabinet.
doctor: it's still 1970 so there is no schizophrenia medication. Tic Tacs would be more effective than pills. i'm prescribing for you to drink battery acid before going to bed.

music magazine interview.
Annik Honore: do you believe in love? 
Ian Curtis: with you, yes.........with my wife, no.........that makes no sense...
the rest of New Order: we're death rockers, lady, we live on the edge, sweetheart, scram, get outta here.

Ian: i feel like i'm cheating on my wife, this is the same bed where i met her.
Annik Honore: Ian, i'm AFRAID OF LOVING YOU. how do you think i feel? i'm loving and making a lifetime commitment to someone who's gonna kill himself and won't be around for much longer.
Ian: don't worry, it'll be alright if we just keep meeting in secret only on beaches during sunset. 
Annik: what's your favorite color?
Ian: believe it or not it's not black. it's blue. i got in a lot of fights as a youth, and a lot of scraps now. "Blue Monday" won't be about a bizarre love triangle, it'll be about the color of a soccer team.
Annik: do you have any questions for me?
Ian: um.........what do waffles taste like?

Annik: i've never heard of marrying so young, you two got married at 10 years old, right?
Ian: my marriage was a mistake, i claimed her with Beatles hair.
Debbie Curtis: how do you think that made me feel to see that scene on the big screen? my own husband readily admitting that his marriage to me and our family was a MISTAKE!!! a sham. a fraud, never should have happened. that was tough to swallow. our daughter is just another Bean, Bean Cobain. Touching from a Distance, that's how i had to deal with Ian his whole life.........oh god just thinking about that again and i'm gonna start crying again.

Joy Division performs "Dead Souls".
in the audience, a very young Trent Reznor.
Trent Reznor: let's be honest, folks, the only reason you know this song is because of MY cover of it. i wish i had learned how to DANCE like Ian Curtis tho, with the rubbery arms and rubbery legs flailing around all over the place, that would have been cool. i don't dance. 

Ian: is it spitting?
Annik: honey it's coming down in DROVES!!! SHEETS of rain are falling on us as you CHOSE ME. so ROMANTIC. that was a dramatic scene in the phonebooth in the rain, right? the audience doesn't exactly know which woman you were talking to.
Ian: i'm no Superman...
Annik: as we kiss in the pouring rain outside my apartment THIS is the moment i knew i would love you REAL LIFE that is.

Debbie: EH? EH?!!! EH?!!!!!!!!! that's British for WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!!! ARE YOU MAD?!!! NOBODY will love you the way i do, nobody in the ENTIRE WORLD. you know that to be true deep in your heart, only I have the patience with you, only I will put up with you. i clean your underpants. i don't have the best face but my tits are MASSIVE, doesn't that count for something?

the Derby Hall scene that makes a scene.
Crispy Ambulance lead singer: yes, our band name was drug-induced. i'll read you a couple verses from my personal poetry.........evidently Chickentown.........okay so my poetry is not as good as Ian's...

Tony Wilson: Lou Reed became a LEGEND after his riot.
Ian: oh so THAT's what "Perfect Day" was about, the riot. right, well okay i'm done with music, i just wanted to be a legend one time and now i did so i'm done.

Ian: thanks for the beans, mom and dad.
dad: that's your mother's cooking that.
mom: these beans are as blood-red as Tony Wilson's signature.
parents: son, what are you doing with your life?
Ian: i'm gonna try hypnosis next...

Ian under hypnosis: .........i see two beautiful women.........Tatiana and Mardith.........they're in a threesome with Madame Pons.
Madame Pons: yeah but a threesome is easy, a throuple is hard.
Ian: i will admit, while i'm under hypnosis i don't have any seizures. can i save this rumbling massage chair for when i go to the mall?

Ian: i'm sorry, Debbie, but Annik is.........well, Annik is an EXOTIC name. Annik is EXOTIC, she's an honorable woman, she has a sick brother named Santa Claus. you're a miner from Macclesfield. like me. you're a working-class wench and i'm a wanker.
Debbie: exotic? Belgium isn't exotic!!! BELGIUM IS RIGHT NEXT DOOR!!!

Ian: what's with TV these days, eh? what's going on in the world, mate? all these adverts for silver horse trailers by some pissy bloke in a cowboy hat called Go See Cal. i've had it with the material world. you know i always forget whether or not i left a suicide note.........turns out i KINDA left a note, it was more like my latest lyrics...

Laertus: oh god no no don't ACTUALLY SHOW the suicide!!! i can't take it!!! i have to look AWAY!!!
Dirg: i loved the flashback to the Sheila Maid. or was it a flashforward?
Lost: ...
Dirg: the rumbling running of the ropes through the pulleys of the Sheila Maid. that whizzing SOUND.
Eye Luggage comforts Laertus by rubbing his short-haired shoulder.
Eye: it's gonna be okay, babe. it's over.
Laertus: *long deep sigh* why are Sheila Maids a thing?
Sheila from Dungeons & Dragons: ...

Eye: that's devastating, that's DEVASTATING right there, that poor woman alone in the world now with her baby, holding her baby, SHRIEKING at the top of her lungs to REWIND the devastating present which is now the past and her future. there is no help for THIS.

The Pope: and Ian Curtis becomes our next Pope, see the black smoke?
the crowd at Cannes leap to their feet in the theatre and CLAP LOUDLY.
members of New Order: hey, can we instead have a DIGNIFIED SILENCE here? this is a holy moment, a man is dead forever.
Hooky: Peter Hook went to the toilet during this film. as did the grandma we stole drugs from.

Ian Curtis: love will tear us apart.........but hate is not much better, believe me. g'night, folks.

Mary Katherine Gallagher lines up right at the Mary statue.
and she does just that, she punches the head of the Mary statue and the head goes sliding off the neck in a wedge like a greased pancake!!!
for good measure Mary Katherine Gallagher LUNGES at the rest of the statue in a wrestling plancha move full of plants and grace, she takes the headless body off her pedestal to the ground grass of the garden.

Mary Katherine Gallagher is taken into custody in rope handcuffs hands behind her back led away to the roof of the police car by Boc's cop.
MKG: zipline rope, not the fun kind. yeah you got me, i lost my cool, i'm only human despite going to private school. this vest and this grunge checkered skirt and penniless loafers don't define me. it was ONE MOMENT, i got heated, i wasn't asked to prom, i was jealous of Mary, she's the queen bee of the school!!! she's popular!!! i wanted to know what that felt liked, i wanted to be liked not ridiculed for once, what it felt like to be a supastar, a supah ninja. yeah well i don't care anymore, i never wanted to go to this school anyway, St. Cyril's doesn't have any boys in it, right? i'll just go across the street to Notre Dame, to the all-girls school. THERE i will find my soul mate.
Tobi Vail slips a bar of deodorant under the bars of Mary Katherine Gallagher's jail cell when she visits her during the first conjugal to discuss Riot Grrrl music.

Laney: Mary Katherine Gallagher's gonna be steamed when she finds out about Crespi.
Laney puts Mary's head back on the statue.
Mary: thanks. that feels better. i can talk again. whatever the situation, i'm always here. saints never lose their cool, they're just cool.