Friday, January 29, 2021

DR. RICK NEEDS TO HELP DR. DREW

 



notes:

* not the football player, the actor who is so natural he's gonna be big soon, he's gonna play Glass Joe in the Mike Tyson's Punch Out movie...

* if you printed out the directions to get here, you're in the right place...

* Live Laugh Love? no, everyone knows that, what every home needs is an oil painting of Julia Roberts...

* Lucille Ball: i laughed and tried to love...

* Richard Jeni: i laughed and tried to live...

* Larry King: i loved to keep from laughing...

* Jerry Seinfeld: Larry, i was serious that time...

* Larry King: btw, my next guest would have been Bill Maher...

* it's gonna be weird seeing Call Me By Your Name now. there are two camps now, two camps never the twain shall meet: you either saw it BEFORE and got THAT experience, or you see it NOW and it's just weird now...like the peach scene takes on a whole new meaning...

* quinoa: when do I appear in the Cosby Show reboot!!!?...

* Keanu Reeves: you'll NEVER be me, kid.
Joaquin Phoenix: i was heading there but an Oscar filler laced my quinoa with chicken fat out of spite. there's no rehab for that.
Keanu: i would be the better Batman.
Joaquin: no I would be the better Batman AND YOU KNOW IT

* i make MAJOR noises when i sit in a chair, when i sit on a couch, when i sit in my bed, when i fart on the toilet. i haven't old-man-drunk water with the sighing yet but when a millennial dental assistant called me getting-on-in-years at my last dentist visit, all i could do was sigh...

* Dr. Rick: you hear that?
man sighing as he sits down:  no.
Dr. Rick: tumor. be glad i caught it.
healer: it's your bones crying out for calcium and freedom. your bones have much wisdom if you'll only hear them. time for your Spirit Walk.
man: i can't take a walk anymore in this world...

* Darth Vader Frankenstein-sits-down on the chair...

* Dr. Rick: exercise machines, not S&M...1920s exercise machines...

* Dr. Rick: we're gonna open a PDF.
group: what's that?
Dr. Rick: another name for porn, Pussy Dick Fuck.
group sighs
Dr. Rick: my porn-addiction seminar was canceled...they said due to covid but...

* sweet woman named Karen: no fussin no cussin no...
Oscar the grouch: hi.
Karen: i was gonna say mussin. i achieved this hair without mousse...

* Dr. Rick: dad jokes are bad jokes...unless you're Dick Christie then you're a rad dad...not a porn-star name...

* Daisy Ridley: i cried when Star Wars wrapped. what am i gonna do with myself now? there's nothing bigger than Star Wars. i'm still a young girl! luckily my tears provided the necessary water to revive the Amazon Forest. what is Rey Skywalker doing now? running around the forests of the Forest Moon of Endor training. wondering where the fuck Ben is. i mean who the sith shit am i gonna marry? Finn is with Lando's daughter, Poe actually changed colleges to chase a girl...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: no time for fast food! SNL starts back up! i need a drivethru in my backyard...


 


Wednesday, January 27, 2021

PROPER PAT: ESALEN IS FOR EVERYONE






Galivant: Pat, your voice is well-suited to this journey...

President Biden: come on, man, it's gonna be 4 years of boring, it's up to YOU to entertain yourself...

Jim Carrey: orange cheese smells good...

Mardith: why did the celebrity babes all have dreams of Paris last night?...

Dirg: i mean how do you expect me to compete? how will i get the white women against the likes of Rege-Jean Page?

Ellen Page: no comment...

Galivant: you see now, right? you see how it has to end. it will end with the most glorious picture of the two of us in glorious vivid black-and-white posted on your Instagram, your last Instagram post. ever. it will be me on the balcony as i wrap my fist in jeanjacket over your shoulder as we pretend-roughhouse, both of us with goofy grins, you trying to avoid my hugs as always. we both wear shades and sunglasses to hide our true emotions from the Instagram public, only we two know how we feel. and feel about each other, our intentions. it will leave our Instagram public wanting, worried, wondering where we went to, what our last goals are, what our ultimate glorious destination is. it will quell all suitors. they will be left asking, as the answer will never come. it will remain a mystery, a single photo that must hold not a thousand words but the REST of the words...

Pat: but where are we going?

Galivant: that's up to you. but once you decide, you can never go back. i'll be there with you forever. at first that may sound comforting, but it might not in 5 years...

Pat: i vacillate. i vacillate more than i vaccinate. i'm always thinking i'm better off in this location or that, a retreat or a reverie, orgy or oratory, soaring or a speedball, fuck or flight, the mausoleum or the monastery... 

Galivant: the problem with you is you make PERMANENT plans for yourself, for life, you'll stay at this place FOREVER, THAT will be your life forever, you won't have to choose anymore, make a hard decision again, that's not how life works...

Aaron Rodgers: your future is a beautiful mystery...

Pat: it's never been beautiful for me, it's always been the scary unknown, the NIGHTMARISH!!!...

Dirg: Hank Aaron had two first names...

Denny Dillon: why the fuck didn't I play Mama on Mama's Family!!!...would have REALLY helped me out...

Denny's: short for Denise...

Inside Edition: we are crying. we are crying over here, our ratings will plummet over a Rodgers cliff. nobody will EVER watch our little show again...

Madame Pons looking at cards: i can't wait for the universe, i'm old!!!...

President Biden: masks, planes, trains, automobiles...

Nic Cage: Kraft process......not orange cheese...

Tyzik: i had to use a Standard Hotels...you have to stay there upside-down, the bed is nailed to the ceiling, it's not as sexy as you think...

Pat: my fingers are covered with the blood of frambuesa jam...

Nic Kidman: not me, just kidding...

Ellen Burstyn: i did SNL that Season 6 cos i wanted to have fun, my whole career was serious roles...but i played a crazy old sole woman on SNL, not the fun kind...

Gail Matthius: i had already perfected the Valley-girl accent and it was only 1980. 1980!!!...

Codrus: your spouse, it's just an unknown name, one paltry line hidden below your box on your wikipedia page...

Ice-T: you know what's harder than fixing your car's computer?.........coming up with FIRST AND LAST names for ALL the guest stars on EVERY damn episode of SVU!!! SVU's done 17765 episodes!!!...

Michael Gross wearing Steven Keaton plaid: the Department of Justice is fine, don't worry, it's okay...

Charles Rocket: i feel so bad. 2 weeks before the shooting i did a skit on Weekend Update making fun of John + Yoko's domesticity as anathema to all tenets of rock n roll...who knew?...we all thought John Lennon WOULD be the happy-homemaker husband living in a cave in Central Park, NY forever...

Malcolm McDowell: i was NOT born to play John Lennon...

Laertus: LENNONYC, brilliant doc, until it hits you without warning like a ton, one of those interviewed is Geraldo...

John Lennon: i was on my knees for Yoko's forgiveness when i cheated on her with that blonde from San Francisco. begged on the Barrows. there is documentary evidence of this, photographs of me bowing to her on New York City cobblestone with the Woody Allen Bridge in back. and Yoko looking bemused and uncertain.

Dirg: no man should be supine...

John Lennon: no excuse but i was under a lot of stress, Nixon had just won despite EVERYTHING we did, all those damn concerts and protests added up to JACK SQUAT!!! had to let off a little steam...

Yoko: i wasn't mad, John, i knew you were a rock star not a man. there are no rock marriages...unless you have many bags. honestly i just needed a break form you, a breather, you were suffocating me with your accent. i needed to do MY creativities. so i went to my sister's...whom you eventually married...

John: your assistant? ah, yes, you two are like sisters. sistahs. i just wanted some RAW FISH!!! fish was better before Brexit, you know. it was so great to stroll into a KFC with no one recognizing me and a strange white whitehaired man in a white suit told me he had no idea what the fuck sashimi was. 

Yoko: looking back it was INSANE you had no bodyguards. you were a FUCKING BEATLE and here you were you can't just call a cab and stroll into a Popeyes Chipotle or Macy's!!!

John: by your leave, madam. hash like Takahashi...

Rubikon: woman is a nigger, people were less uptight in those days, could talk to the other side without immediately getting shut down, the early gritty SNL days... 

John: i mean how do you give a bad review in Rolling Stone to a fucking protest song!!?...

Cotard: sorry.

Codrus: *broken-teeth smile* the wind isn't alive, brother, you can't succor it to salve your loneliness, hehehe

Madame Pons: i loved setting up the humidifier for my little sister when she was a baby in a crib. now i want a humidifier for my room as an ADULT......especially since the LUSH saunas aren't open still!!!...

Biden: i got a chin like Lincoln's chin...

Gilbert Gottfried: more student films on SNL!!!...

Joe Piscopo: i had a rad deep booming announcer's voice...

Rose Hall: hello, i usually don't have this sweet of a lilting voice. i am where Steven Universe's mom's funeral was held...

Dirg: no one says "catching some Zs" in conversation...

Gladyce: The Store is under new management like the Presidency...

Doryce: Advil Gel is the new Juicy Drop sour gel...

Denny Dillon: i showed that James Woods how to REALLY crack the whip. with my S&M weatherwoman cabana-boy-mounted-like-a-hunting-trophy-on-the-weathermap skit. it's God's will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?

Frank Caliendo: i was MADtv's Chris Farley...

Emily Ford: this ain't a movie. i became more than my societal limits said on the sign. i became a fox. not a snow fox. not in a pack...

crones: say hi to the Old Country for us when your trek hits snow, dear...

Codrus: there was a PRIEST in the Capitol riot!!!? that is HILARIOUS...

Ted Danson: why wasn't i a dramatic actor in films? a Marlon Brando type...

Takahashi: my rabbit hole is obscure tv...

Charles Rocket: i was Eric Andre before Eric Andre...

Curtis Armstrong: Risky Business was on PBS.........i kid you not...

Michael Weiss in mittens: am i a business opportunity or am i a friend?...

Ellis Haizlip: i created real tv...

Rubikon: and i'd like to take this opportunity to thank. sir you broadcast the Revolution's First Resistance. you slipped on many a hazy cobblestone in the process as you did all this stuff for the first time fumbling in the dark and we appreciate you being a pillar...

Tyzik: Soul of the Dragon? there are WAY too many DC Movies out there but this is one i may partake. it's got bellbottoms, it's got Batman in a fro, it's got flavor...

Stanley Tucci: i will never be Bourdain. all i can do is try...

Pete Davidson: i'll help...

Stephen A: what did you do during your long-ass quarantine in your hotel room to prepare for the Australian Open, Roger? bounce the ball against the four walls. of your crazy head?...

Federer: ate all that great hotel cheese, i can't eat anymore...

Roger's wife Mirka: he hasn't used the toilet since he last played Nadal...

Denny Dillon: i was on Dream On...

Dirg: THAT's where i recognize you from! i was seeing you and saying what's-her-butt...

Laertus: Brian Benben's latchkey kid raised on television was our preview to how ALL kids now are raised on internet...

Eye Luggage: i love the irony of Brian Benben's character being a book editor...

Dirg: benben, i just love saying that. Martin brings tupperware to parties, that's why he got divorced...

Pat: like me...

Tamlin Wightman joins the Smashing Pumpkins as their new lady bassist but quickly takes Billy's spot...

Dirg: *head in hands* there better be a time when i look at my enemy angrily for the nth time and finally feel some empathy for him or i'm cooked...

Gladyce: we got the thin toilet-paper for the Treehouse not the outhouse because although it wouldn't be soft on our bums it would be soft on our water pipes...

Laertus: i was still technically enrolled at Berkeley, but i spent that last semester in my room watching films...

Takahashi: for my friend, my true friend, i buy you this Inscripton car, for the screenwriter...

Laertus smiles. Dirg growls.

Codrus: wait. all humans are one big human family, right? so ALL sex is incest...

Dirg: i got court-mandated writing...

Mardith: there is something to putting your dreams on Instagram, posting your potential, spelling out your spells, gilding your goals, when you actually see it in physical form on that screen, it hits different...

Doryce: i'm going to Hatton Garden! just to inspect, i won't touch anything. just to smell the roses...

Gladyce: Bama needs to get you a rock FAST...

Rubikon: adult swim has really been the battleground for the Culture Wars these past 4 years. cos there's no other tract of land...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Wesley Snipes: Noxzema, my name took our power back, it was reverse blackface. we put the white cream on OUR faces to take THEIR power.

Dirg: drag-queen nudes, not what i was expecting...

Eye Luggage: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice and go...did i get that right?...

Laertus: most ampersands?...

Dirg: let's get this out of the way now...i'm conducting this podcast interview...what do you want to ask you father, dear?...

Natasha Gregson Wagner: did you kill mom?...

Robert Wagner: yes. shit! i thought you were Stefanie Powers! i tell my partner everything!!!...

Dirg: a place like Esalen literally scares me. but i'd do it for the ass, the Assalen...

Eye: with its essentialness. i do like the woman butts on full glorious display and view at the top of the film...the bottom as it were...bunch of naked people without a care in the world strolling an Olympus hill in the mountains of Big Sur, overlooking Obec, overlooking the Pineapple Express cliffs of angry waves, angry that they can't partake of this orgy, discussing Plato by a mound of grey stones for a real fire not a Glowforge. two buxom bare beauties in gold Cleopatra noseguard Roman helmets keeping watch and guard over this sacred facility of light. this is my Heaven...

Dirg: only if they're hot. 

Takahashi: LOVE the car Natalie Wood and Robert Culp drive up in! why can't we just make roadsters from now on! open-air to catch the wind on your tongue, turn your neckerchief into a sail like Speed Racer climbing up hills! you can make electric roadsters...

Dirg: neckerchiefs had no connotation back then...

Laertus: it took me awhile but i finally figured out who the hunky guru at the Esalen session is: the husband from Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!!!...

Mary Hartman: i almost single-handedly destroyed SNL for good...i later went on to host Entertainment Tonight...

Dirg: the last decade of truly-free sex. guilty-free sex. had to finally inject morality into America with disease, that was all God's work. no wonder this depicts an orgy, this is a film from 1969...

Dirg: what i don't get is what happens AFTER the Enlightenment. the couples go home after intense opening-up therapy and what happens with this guru after the retreat? does he retreat into his shell?

Laertus: i do like the choice this film makes to be a comedy rather than dead serious. otherwise it would come off as preachy and the artsy-fartsy liberal blue conservatives love to hate and always point out in media. 

Robert Culp: i'm not culpable. hey man don't be hostile, don't blame me, i had no idea. Bill Cosby was a great spy, too great as we now know...

Dyan Cannon: ...

Dirg: tits like cannons...

Dyan: i tried to help Cary Grant...

Cary Grant: *noir voice* sorry, sweetheart, not even a sexy woman such as you could have saved me. unless you were pushing psychedelics at the time...for therapy you know...

Dyan: sorry, dear, in 1969 i was busy making a film...

Elliott Gould: i was the one who said the Season 6 1980-81 season of SNL would last forever...

E.T.: well, E.G., now you get to feel the pain of promises broken to a boy in the woods...

Daly: on the daily, you get reminded that he's not around every day...

Leif Garrett: i was so happy back then as a kid...i had a pool and a barbecue all to myself...i didn't have the white picket i had the white house!...if only i didn't fucking grow up...

Dirg: YEAH TELL ME EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL! NO HIDING! tell me i have hippie hair so i can look back later in my life when i go bald. tell Pasqually the pizza was a little dry...

Dirg: their kid is annoying as fuck...give him the teddy bear and get him out of this steamy picture already!...

Robert Culp: did that teddy bear just talk? i swear i heard the bear talk...

Dirg: ah, hunky men in briefs, this was also the last decade that was considered handsome...

Dirg: what? this would NOT happen in real life. she would be HOSTILE let me tell ya! i know firsthand these things! 

Laertus: not a dumb blonde. went to Berkeley, case closed!

Eye: she's comparing the tart to her little sister, the female empowerment is starting to seep in and emerge, good girl. can something truly be just physical, you need the mind to ejaculate. hmmm, maybe total honesty is not what's needed in a strong relationship...

Dirg: blame society for not wanting brutality in honesty. tough truth. relationship recipes, i must learn at least those, i have no family. rather disturbing how Natalie spills the beans on the cheating with that blank stare like a Peloton Housewife...

Takahashi: okay i love the L.A. night scenery on the way home, the drive-thrus lit up in neon, Safeway The Store before The Store! and the Burger Joint! that somehow serves tacos!!!...

Dirg: okay what is the DEAL with that scene with Elliott Gould and Dyan Cannon about the other couple's affair? that thing went on FOREVER!!! i mean is this scene an hour or what!!!?...

cat familiars: cats don't need to be walked, no handwringing and second-guessing...

Elliott Gould: i need to exercise in here, quarantine. how do you expect me to train for the Olympics if i don't take a walk!...

Dirg: no way that shrink says vagina in his own home...

Eye: i call my own cunt teetee...

Laertus: all of Paul Mazursky's films have that signature psychiatrist one-on-one scene, even this his first film.

Robert Culp: you've got the guilt anyway, don't waste it. don't waste a condom...

Robert Culp: hey honey, lose the blouse, i want to sell this thing! why is it that when there's a camera in a man's hand it automatically becomes pervy?...

Dirg: and suddenly this becomes Austin Powers and bubble booths! dancing in large champagne flutes, Comic-Con take notes!!!...

Roger Federer: i was the tennis instructor in this film. i need to make funds now that i retired. so i stalk around Beverly Hills seeing if any lonely housewives need a lesson. it was so funny when Robert Culp didn't kill me. btw my favorite drink is lemonade, especially in the bedroom...

Eye: that was the one scene missing from this glorious film. i really needed to see a scene on the tennis court with the foursome playing couples doubles in their cute tennis outfits...

Roger: i got am Italian luxury sports car. there are no luxury sports cars from Spain...

James Holzhauer: my dad told me stories about this Vegas. candy colors and you could actually bet your life savings and no one would care...

Dirg: the iconic bed scene...

Mardith: Dirg if we ever get married we are NOT wifeswapping. i wouldn't do that to Laertus and Eye. those two are my friends, they are a nice couple!

Dirg: WEDDING'S OFF!!!

Dirg: i mean this whole movie is a LIE!!! they don't ACTUALLY wife-swap, have sex with their best friend's wife, actually FUCK! why the hell not? there's a look into the camera breaking the fourth wall, and......STOP! they were SO close to forming the first polycule! if you're gonna ruin the illusion of the movie by looking into the camera the least you can do is give a wink to the camera and GO THROUGH WITH THE THING!!! G'NIGHT, FOLKS!!!

Laertus: hey Eye, when they're staring at each others' faces in the parking lot like that to mirror the beginning with the nonverbal communication, what did it remind you of? for me it's my dad at UCLA drama camp in the summer, they did those acting exercises every morning before brekkie, built trust...

Eye: mirror the begin. when i see this end scene there's a little song that plays in the back of my head:

i'd like to teach the world to sing...

Regis: how are you feeling, my friend? are you comfortable?

Larry King: i feel ice cold...

Pat: i've made my decision. i want to complete my A levels. or F levels as it were, i get bad grades...

Galivant: that will not do! you have to get a job! you have to learn enough to earn enough! to feed me and the kids!

Pat: wait we're having children?

Galivant: you have no idea. 

Pat: okay okay i'll go to Dartmouth to complete my PhD.

Dirg: lesbians shoot darts in their mouths...

Pat: i'll make money on the side with odd jobs. to get a playpen with a swing. i'll be a pro tennis player part-time. i'll be a fulltime pro speedboater on a speedball. my life will always be on skis...

the couple sail away from the harbor of Water on a small fishing ferry boat holding onto the other's Chipotle cloud-leather jacket...

Pat: i'll form a band on the side, we'll practice in a bodega, i'll start smoking simply to quit to gain the knowledge enough to write the lyrics to "Cold Turkey"...

Galivant: where we're going, there is no thanksgiving...

President Biden: the only Holocaust survivor to serve in Congress, he was my best friend...he was a light...he went to Berkeley...

Galivant: what will your PhD be in?

Pat: everything. 







 


Friday, January 22, 2021

THE STONE AGE




notes:

* Grandma looks like she's enjoying herself

* Seth MacFarlane: the studio said they wanted The Croods to be Family Guy meets Primal...

* adult swim: Seth, go script-doctor The Croods. this will be your Flintstones...

* not the Coneheads Mister Rogers orange-sweater clones one...

* Bella Thorne: the OnlyFans thing didn't work out, i moved back home...

* dad: when did we get a cat?...
Bella: this mouse is our cat's shoe...

* Bella: despite being a millennial i get the whole abacus thing---cos every baby every generation gets to play on a xylophone---what i don't get is this weird Ninja Foodi...
brother: you mean microwave?
mom: you mean toaster oven?
dad: you mean Easy-Bake Oven?...

* dad: i'm dumb i gave in and i bought a new tv JUST for the Super Bowl...
mom: that's our mattress. if you had stopped watching sports...
dad: ...i only wanted two kids...
mom: ...we would have had more fun in our marriage...i had to get it from the next-door neighbor Mrs. Dahlrymple...

* dad: who's Ryan?
mom: Ryan's her boyfriend...and her teacher...

* dad: honey why is there a poster of a phoenix in your room?
Bella: Ryan likes this new writer...
dad: honey why is there a poster of Belladonna of Sadness in your room?...
Bella: Ryan's really into anime...but he voted for Biden...

* mom: i know i'm using an old-fashioned brick phone but this is ridiculous...
dad: can't get any? service that is?
mom: i don't get it. what's wrong with me? i look like Annabeth Gish!
dad: i wanted you to look like Annabeth Gish from SLC Punk...

* brother: dad, why isn't my fish a trophy on the wall singing a song?
dad: we're a Biden family, son.

* dad: did you back it up?
mom: you back dat thing up
dad: men don't have asses...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Bacon King from Burger King...simply cos Burger King has that new logo...that throwback nostalgia '80s logo...but why haven't they brought back the Chicken Sandwiches? i had the American one in the '80s, and the Italian one, but i never had the French one, the one the Catholic Church banned, the one with all that glorious squeezy French sauce that tickled your taste buds like a tongue...





Wednesday, January 20, 2021

PROPER PAT: BOC AND RYAN SEACREST HAVE A HEART-TO-HEART





Pat: in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to reinvent oneself...

Galivant: you do that everytime you sleep with one eye open...

Pat: it's true, the transformation actually happens everyday, it's just imperceptible cos it moves so slowly, like a Jim Croce song, microscopic packets of time...

Galivant: what will you do now?

Pat: i will save Britain!!! by leaving Britain. i will save mankind! by becoming womankind!

Debbie Harry: i went to the Afterlife...cos being a woman is already Heaven...

Cotard: i don't like calling wikipedia users users cos it makes them sound like druggies...

Dirg: they are tho...

Andy Roddick: until i did SNL i didn't realize about the whole "Raw Dick" thing. that was the first time in my life i ever uttered the word hoohaa...

Federer: Christmas 2003 was the BEST Christmas you will ever have in your life, Andy...the only true Christmas you ever had...

Andy: things were looking up for me back then, i thought i'd retire with 10 majors...

Cecily Strong: for the record we asked Juan Carlos Ferrero to host SNL but he declined...

Sampras: Roddick only won cos i retired...

Dirg: you are KILLING my love life by keeping your Instagram pics private!!!!!!!!!!...

Herve Villechaize: i would do it all over again, i wouldn't change a thing.........except the end part...

Alex Trebek: same...

Jay Leno: after latenight i had to become the Green Giant...

Jean Woods: edge has no age. i was Paula Rego when she was younger. i didn't have a stroke, my left stroke just went viral. i am all for Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor...

Gladyce: the trash bags behave much like bellybuttons: they are either innies or outies with the orange pullup handles...

Charles Rocket: i felt so guilty doing that Rocket Report at The Dakota just two weeks before Lennon was shot there...

cat familiars: rooting through trash, how undignified!!! like raccoons!!!...

Amanda Gorman: the pen is mightier than the gun...

Biden: see my Biden Bible? it's bigger than the house it was found in! i'm dustier than it! it's in the shape of a big lunchpail box to remind myself everyday that i need to bring my lunchpail to work with me up to the Cream House...

Eye Luggage: i knew i liked this man...

Dirg: what's with the Walgreens beta soccer-dad commercial?...

Tyzik: it's in High-Definition......oh, you mean...

Gladyce: life hack: put all the contents of a box in a plastic bag in the freezer, throw out the box, saves space.

Gilbert Gottfried: you know what's sad? i was hot when i was young, i had the cool long hair and the motorcycle jacket when i was on SNL. why o why the FUCK did i adopt this voice!!!???...

Takahashi: did anime cause the alt-right? i watch it for the storylines, nothing more..

Mardith: i got the wrong starchart, there's stars in the shape of Dippers but not in the shape of a Scales...

Madame Pons: use the scale in your heart to take the measure of a man...

Pat: it would be cool if one of the zodiac signs were Dipper, that's a cool name. Mardith girl i wish your shoe pantry served food...

Dirg: i'm always on eggshells when i'm talking to my foreigner Instagram friends...

Laertus: choke me with the strap of my PBS totebag...

Eye Luggage: OH BABY I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THIS HORNY!!!

Laertus: today's a big day...

Eye Luggage: not cool the baby strollers at The Store fitted with police-car boxes on top...

Oprah: ladies and gentlemen, welcome my sister to my new show, Valerie Jarrett!

Roseanne: can we please be best friends now? can we please become best friends in media prison?

Valerie Jarrett: i am not anyone's bitch.

Bump: i am forming a new political party called the Bump Bros...

Pat: so no women? 

Bump: where i'm going, there are no women...

Bill Barr: i got a job wiping the lectern at the Inauguration...

MC Hammer: i did the benediction...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Debbie Harry: that should have been ME playing Lucille Ball!!! not that other stupid Deb!!!...

Debra Messing: i'm so drunk off today i don't care what you call me...

Dirg: you a mess...

Eye: To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar and go...

Dirg: gotta give it up to my man Wesley Snipes, he ACTIVELY pursued this role! i gotta be more like him, so secure in his manstrength was Wesley...

Wesley from Star Trek: why is everyone looking at me?...

Laertus: the funnest film title ever. also the first film with the title of a letter...

Eye: gotta say i am PROUD of this film! it really shows full human beings living their lives, not caricatures of gay-man drag queens. bold confident strong men living their truth!

Dirg: sassy. sassy men. man up, boy in a dress!

Patrick Rafter: the Australian film is better. Priscilla and roaming the desert in a van...

Dirg: fag only uttered by the white-trash cop and the white-trash abusive husband of course, such a '90s movie. hey let's get this outta the way now, Patrick Swayze makes a HOT woman. she fills the part of Vida with such warmth and compassion she melts into the performance, i was crying by the end! i'm not questioning but still...

Dirg: but who's Wong Foo?

Eye: it's the dive in New York City they go to, the gay bar.

Takahashi: it would have been nice to get Bruce Lee to play Wong Foo, just saying.

Bruce: what?

Takahashi: hey i'm trying to keep you alive here, Bruce!

Dirg: *shaking his fist* New York City!!!

Laertus: the land where EVERYTHING happens. Drag Queen of the Year contest in bold array of color and spectacle! this predicted Pose! yep, it's either New York or L.A., that's where all the enlightened culture is in this country, fuck flyover country. 

Eartha Kitt: why am i not in this seminal film? purrrrr <---that was an angry hiss

Julie Newmar: i became known for playing a cat but in real life i wanted to get caught! go to any Swinging Sixties club in San Francisco and there i was licking my wounds in the tub. i was more in line with the Groovy Adam West Batman dancing the Pulp Fiction dance. i am more in line with the film which will be discussed next week...

Laertus: RuPaul before he was RuPaul

Dirg: before RuPaul was a woman?

Laertus: no before he was Famous Famous Famous RuPaul. okay THAT IS THE GREATEST DRAG QUEEN NAME OF ALL TIME: RACHEL TENSIONS. nothing will ever come close, he wins first-place forever...

Dirg: the Flag is being desecrated...oh it's just clothes...

Codrus: *Codrus chuckle* it's hard writing wikipedia writeups for these people, you never know which pronoun to use...

Eye: can i get a what-what for Noxeema, named for the greatest skin cream of all time. of all '90s anyway. remember those commercials, Tyzik? they were so Saved By The Bell, not the reboot...

Dirg: those acne pads had something in them......i couldn't stop licking them in 8th Grade...

Rubikon: Jesse Jackson was Obama before Obama...

Robin Williams: his name is my name, too, that's the tragedy, it didn't fit on a voter-registration card, it was seen as a double and voided and thrown out, my vote didn't count. i almost had the lead in this, when the crones read my palm and saw my forearm and saw my future all they saw was a cage...they were right on that one in more ways than one...

Nic: not me. i'm not Santa.

Dirg: i'll say this right now: i'd fuck Chi Chi Rodriguez. John Leguizamo is SEXY AS FUCK here. the legs!!! she i mean he has that Spanish stutter-loco to his voice, the bodega lisp, you know when Spanish people always sound like they're whining when they talk. he has that subtle flirtatious laughy drawn to his breath, he's the drama queen drag with the broken heel popping out of the car, he's right, he IS the Mexican Marilyn Monroe!

John: that's Puerto Rican, not-papi-chulo...

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: yeah i sued. can i get some respect goddammit. i'm a GOLFER dammit! chi-chi is NOT my accent it's my name!

Takahashi: i LOVE their road-trip car! sexy. drawn-out long carriage. sporty. this just wouldn't have worked if the top hadn't been popped...

Rubikon: Kamala's a mommy. of the country. watching this along with you guys, my job is done...train...not that train...

Eye: Sheriff Dollard is a dullard. if i was confronted with that racism i would have called him a hick honky out loud to his squad-car buddies over the intercom.

Madame Pons: don't forget the rape, it's always glossed over...

Dirg: at least he didn't get shot with his own gun. at least this is Nebraska and not Obvious Texas. they should have killed the cop Thelma & Louise-style, would have made a more interesting script...

Laertus: piggybacking off your cop, i really wish they had delved in more. had Jason London REALLY be in a relationship with Leguizamo, over lentil soup, a scene where they get naked and fuck. that would have brought even more of the stark reality of unconditional love to this backwater dusty town...

Dirg: Beth Grant, is this bitch 100 years old or what! she's in EVERYTHING!!! she's the female Samuel L Jackson. i mean i swear i saw her in Birth of a Nation!!!...

Eye: that's it, girl! no man is worth your dream! you should only dream of the films of Dorothy Dandridge...

Laertus: i LOVE how they just come out and say it: the Hollywood whitewashing, how Dorothy Dandridge was the ONLY one who didn't play the help since Hollywood's inception, they went there with this script, it was all in the script and they filmed this script as is and distributed it as is...

Dirg: Hollywood allowed this?...

Halle Berry: without this film i don't get the Oscar to get me able to play Dorothy Dandridge MY way...

Dirg: Robert Mitchum, isn't he the guy who once told a director

you want me to cum? how hard?...

Mardith: Coke Is It billboard, that's sexy...

Eye: repairman? ARLISS HOWARD, FIX YOURSELF!!!

Dirg: it's a little comical tho. spices? he gets mad over SPICES!!!?

Leguizamo: not a real Spanish man, can't take the heat on his tongue. it's true about Latin lovers...

Arliss: in my defense i'll never be as cool as the show i'm named for. i masturbated too much to the Spice cable channel as a kid i broke. that got me into rap which i was ashamed of, my favorite secret group was Salt-N-Pepa. i have centuries of bred-in white guilt over my great great grandfather being the slavetrader with the whip his picture in all the history books, he was in charge of the spices aboard the Dutch East India Company.

Takahashi: all those ships and not ONE good one, not the ship from Pirates of Dark Water...

Blythe Danner: we missed the opportunity to do the dick-in-the-pie thing first...

Patrick Swayze: fete champetre, a bohemian garden party where the champagne flows like water...

Dirg: and Wesley Snipes goes all White Men Can't Jump on their roughneck asses. yeah he can shoot the jumper blind!...

Dirg: that's what you get for making fun of Wesley Snipes's In Living Color folded-up hat. that's the problem with having dicks, they are so easily pulled. why didn't Vida just kill the abusive husband like she did the cop? and the cop has a come-to-Jesus moment about homosexuality, ironically...

Laertus: Dirg that's why God gave Adam the responsibility of the fruit necking his neck...

Sheriff Dollard: i don't get this Spartacus reference of solidarity. i never saw Spartacus...

Patrick Swayze: and suddenly i become a god. in full of my powers. i become Durga...

Eye: *pounds fists on table* sequel! sequel! a prequel actually. i'd like to explore more of Patrick Swayze's home life, his kid childhood with his rich intolerant WASPy parents and what led him to become a drag queen and escape the hell away from that same white-country colonial-style house from Lucas...

George Clooney: why is everyone looking at me? i don't own that house...

Dirg: this is why the Democrats won. g'night, folks...

Patrick Rafter: g'day...

Boc: why is it that whenever i finish watering there are cobwebs in my head?...

Ryan Seacrest turns him around...

Ryan: you are not a monster. you are not a frankenstein. you are a human being. you are my son.

Boc: i wouldn't mind being a cute '20s dracula...

Ryan: i know who you are, what you have chosen to be. and i know it's cos of me. i honor you, you don't have to lie to me, hide from me. i respect you, your choices, i cherish the arc of your life...

Boc: thanks, pop

Ryan: i am your mother and your father. that's just how it is. the mother and the father, the mom and the dad. it's all love, son, love is love is love...

Ryan: any abuse going on?

Boc: i should ask you that

Ryan: what do you mean?

Boc: it flows both ways, you can always tell me if Simon is bullying you...

Galivant: so how did you like being me for a day?

Pat: it hit different. it hit me not how i was expecting. it was extraordinary. it wasn't me entering your body but still being a man---wasn't me being a ghost like Patrick Swayze. it wasn't me just putting on women's clothes. it wasn't me just being any gay man or any woman, it was ME BEING YOU!!!

Galivant: and what's the verdict?

Pat: you've got the most magnificent beaver...

Galivant: are you ready for our final journey? the moment that will keep us together forever?...










Monday, January 18, 2021

TMIT: THE ANSWER TO THE SUDOKU WAS SALMON

 



thank you for this, i needed something to do today...

1. when was the last time you tried something new? when i ate the old wad of gum stuck to the roof of the bottom of my bed since i was in 8th Grade. it tasted tropical...

you know you're right, i'm gonna start my life, i'm gonna call my agent.........as soon as i get an agent...

2. whom do you compare yourself to? 

Elon Musk, that's why i'm always depressed.

Elon Musk is best-known for discovering that w starts with a d...

3. what gets you excited about life? sugar. no wait, i read that wrong, cryogenics...

my doctor has a magic pad, he writes ANYTHING on that pad and like magic it appears in a bottle on my doorstep. all i see is the smoke rising into the sky from the chemtrails as the drone flies away. this is how my latest visit went down:

doctor: i haven't seen you here in, like, 27 years...
me: sorry, i got distracted.
doctor: you know once you're dead you're dead. there's no going back from dead, it's just eternal nothingness forever. so i'm prescribing you some sugar to pep up your mood.
me: didn't you say something about gut health?
doctor: the gut doesn't exist. in your body. it's only in your mind. do you have the will to live? i'm prescribing the sugar in bowl form so you don't have to deal with those pesky yellow Splenda packets that are so hard to open you have to open each packet twice...
me: oh thank you doctor!

4. are you satisfied with your work? i just wish i had some salsa, plain pork rinds are hard on the throat. i mean it shouldn't matter if your work is published, right? it should only matter that you took the time to write the thing in the first place...

i know a sublime monologist on the IBM Dating App with a gravelly gravitas voice and i found out today that he had a life before this art he presents. he was a Lutheran doctor who saved baby pigs by rubbing them in a hospital that had no lights. it's weird when you know a person JUST for this one aspect of their life and have no idea who they were before...this one slice of world he shows us...he doesn't have many followers which is a crime, his work should be spread far and wide to the global masses...but you don't hear him complaining...i think he likes that it's private...he can let loose with the nudity...

5. what have people most often praised you for?

my Dutch sneeze. and my mad beats inspired by Fatboy Slim. i'm skinny so i look up to Slim. that i spill my dreams too fast online, my minister doc friend tells me

find that one girl and only tell her your dreams on her DM

so that's exactly what i did. hopefully it worked. wish me luck. *fingers-crossed emoji*

BONUS: when you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

we shoulda built it in the ocean, the fires are coming...

i think of my bed, i've lived my entire life in that bed. i write in that bed. watch tv in that bed. i got married in that bed. took my vows in that bed. my monk vows. and one day when the water rises high enough, to escape the fires this bed will be my boat...






Friday, January 15, 2021

PROGRESSIVE BUT NOT POLITICAL




notes:

* BEFORE WE START let me just say that THIS episode just might be their best ever...

* but it's again one of those brain-jarring nebulous concepts on which to base an episode

* wait, did video games cause the alt-right?...

* if Spongebob were Mario...

* that's how Snow White really died, the kitchen sink was left running...

* when the pears grow eyes you know they are ripe...real eyes that blink and have eyelids...

* pears don't want progress, they voted for Newt Gingrich

* progress goes down better with brown sugar...

* blink and you'll miss it! the woman bodybuilders have three tits! this is the competition on Total Recall Mars! don't look at their bulging biceps, don't look at their arms!!!

* lot of symbolism on that grill with those roasted hot dogs...

* fat hairy bald guys get all the luck.
Carl from Aqua Teen: fat hairy bald guys with their third eye in their belly...

* see what happens when California stays blue forever!!!...

* Batman Adam West was hiding a walkie-talkie under his cowl...

* if you have one eye, you don't have to wear a mask...

* Rod Serling: this was a rejected Twilight Zone script of mine, the CA casting-agent notes said

too sunny for this show

* well obviously i haven't considered giving up...

* i'm more interested in my y...

* my ex is Bill Gates...

* as always, now i want more Regular Show...

* doesn't count if you wash your body, you have to wash your hands

* don't look now, rabbit, but the moon is looking at you...

* Dave Mirra: NO FEAR? i hated the world...

* THEY WERE JUST BUNNY SLIPPERS!!! THEY DIDN'T MEAN I LIKED YOU!!!

* rabbit 1: hey man, any room at the inn?
rabbit 2: see my binkie? see my pacifier? that's my toe. there are no safe spaces in life.
rabbit 1: fine but have you seen Kurt Cobain swimming around in here?...

* playing "White Rabbit" in a filled tub...

* this Outdoors World ad brought to you by Movember...Movember, we had to reschedule it cos of the pandemic...

* hunter 1: gills?
hunter 2: no just really mangled ribs...
hunter 1: the baby thinks you're its mother on account of the earring you wear...
hunter 2: this blue green world's not safe for men like us no more...
hunter 1: let us never speak of this again...

* ayyyyy self-care don't mean becoming an incel ayyyyy

* BRING BACK CLAYMATION TO NETWORK TV!!!

* imagine 12 Oz Mouse Roseanne Mike Tyson Mysteries Game of Thrones as a claymation...

* i doubt myself cos i couldn't finish the claymation by deadline and had to use CGI...

* i want to be the ocean.
Billy: you can't...

* how the ocean algae regenerated without human help...

* so that's where my Furby went

* see? Off The Air is global! it's mr. worldwide! British and Denmark!!!

* chap: BBC said i'd get banned if i said bloke
girl: is that a computer chip in a real dog?
chap: no that's a computer chip in a real dog lice

* not a suicide, just a kinky bath

* smart means liberal. Broadway's back, baby! WE FINALLY FOUND DON-KNOTTS-FISH! Lady Gaga was an elf this whole time. the Avatar 3 trailer is lit. the hottest anime tits are no anime tits

* the last Blockbuster closed due to blockbusting

* you fed the ducks and they became fish

* Jon Cryer's rejected Klingon audition...

* note the graphics, early premise for Mortal Kombat...

* man: will you marry me? here's the ring. it's my penis ring.
woman: this is my vagina ring.
man: that's just a rubberband.

* Patrick Lavender, what happened to you? Cindy Lorenz, i still hold out hope for that date at Islands at the mall to talk about the time you bumped into Richard Jeni...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: no fast food this week

not cos of the Lockdown, got too much leftover pizza, got 3 large orange Little Caesars boxes in my bed.

all i want is Brady vs. Rodgers in the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau snowing the ENTIRE game for the NFC Championship...