CHROMEBOOK CITY: HUG STUFF NOT BUTT STUFF

Jen R and i scour the grass behind the school for blades. the subway cars above rumble on their own golden road which is a track down the center of Main Street. we are wearing our red Guardian Angels berets.

me: are you sure we can be doing this legally?

Jen R: sure, we have on the official red berets, don't we?

me: yeah but where'd you get these?

Jen R: i found them scouring the grass behind the school. i stole them from a pawn shop so it's perfectly legal. i need you to do this for me to prove your loyalty, my daughter found a blade between the blades of grass at her this here playground and it scared the living shit outta me.

me: we're like Gabe Kotter and Julie Kotter from Welcome Back, Kotter.

Jen R: may i always be as skinny as she was.

me: i could use one of your patented hugs as we search. for motivation.

Jen R hugs me for a very long time.........and the blade that's hanging out of her front-jeans-overalls pocket slices into my abdomen.

Jen R: i found one. oh yeah sorry forgot i had that there my mind is all over the place i am distracted.

Greykid: how many shots does it take to cure cat stomach flu?

bird-flu birds: not cool, dude.

Greykid: it's weird going to the Safeway area but not going to Safeway...

shaggy vanilla lab: for us dogs, the vet isn't a doctor, it's a spa.

Dear Rishi: because Rishi and that blonde head of Europe fucked, Northern Ireland is free tonight.

blonde headess: head, both meanings. headess, head's ass, my ass, we did butt stuff.

Rishi Sunak: we finally paved that dirt road. this is not about me, this is about Northern Ireland getting my sausage.

Mr. Kotter: i dub thee your Chromebook the Kotterbook!!!...

Julie Kotter: so who was the infamous Epstein's Mother from all the sick notes? why it was ME of course, look at that red gang bandana i have on around my neck in that pic, that is straight-up pure Puerto Rican Jew!!! the bandana is a little tight around my neck, it's squeezing my neck, this is why i could never be in a gang.

Epstein: Bon Jovi stole all his songs from me, i mean look at me, i'm obviously Santana's son.

Epstein: i have the grey fro of that guy from Tears for Fears NOW in 2023...

Bob Ross: ...

Bob Ross: i lived longer than Kurt Cobain...

John Travolta's mom: i'm not a nepo baby. i came up with the Horshack laugh BEFORE Horshack.

Welcome Back, Kotter lunchbox: the first meta thing, the first meta item. it was a lunchbox ABOUT a school where lunchboxes would be. the first time anyone EVER saw any MAD Magazine artwork...

Mr. Kotter in a yellow ripoff Big Bird chicken suit sewn by Miss Piggy in a women's prison: see? i told you, my Kotter shows and Sesame Street interlaced and intertwined and interjoined and entwined with each other, we're both hardcore seedy '70s NYC with red brick walls for windows.

Gabe Kaplan: Seinfeld stole my act, he stole my character.

Jerry Seinfeld: no i didn't, you were into Super Villains, i was into Superman...

Arnold Horshack: there is no better feeling than marrying your girlfriend BEFORE you graduate high school.

Mary Johnson: everyone on Welcome Back, Kotter MEN AND WOMEN wore those tight DARK BLUE bluejean bellbottoms...

Arnold Horshack: when i call Epstein "Little Juan" it's so childlike it sounds like "Little One".........that is so cute.

Lucio Rossi carrying around a tossi tote cat-caryall cotton kennel tent for cats on airplanes: a call from a bank on a Saturday? you KNOW that's spam!!!

Blake Lemoine: why are all the job interviewers in Silicon Valley asking me what my favorite anime is?...

Blake Lemoine: it's Teen Titans by the way, the original one.........2003.

Gabe Kotter: did i ever tell you about my Uncle Aunt Brother Sister Niece Nephew Grandfathermother Sally?

Julie Kotter: Sally is not a Jewish name. 

Gabe: Sally is the ULTIMATE Jewish name!!!

Julie: my Aunt Melissa is from Nebraska. Gabe, you're an only child, remember? honey, you have no family. just a lot of time and a lot of imagination...

Mr. Kotter: Hotsy, do you want to go to the nurse?

Hotsy Totsy: um, my name is Rosalie, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Kotter: oh my god.........that is so embarrassing.........sorry...

Rosalie: why are you staring intently at my butt when i'm wearing the cheerleader uniform?...

Debralee Scott: see in my episode "Whodunit?" i'm crying like fellow ginger Lucille Ball...

Greykid: please don't get "air jail" trending, don't make "air jail" a thing, that's cruel, sick, and twisted.

Mr T wearing a blue Guardian Angels beret: breakdancers make the best pommel-horse gymnasts...

Gladyce: oh i love looking at that HUMMINGBIRD in front of me milking a tulip as i do my jumping jacks. but then i start jacking and the hummingbird quickly lilts off away...

Dirg: i hate her shit but i love her tits.

chove: where the Fraggles live.

alux: i am a REAL Fraggle.

me: well that was a nice day blade-hunting. we found many a blade. and one neon blade in the grass.

Jen R: it's not even noon and i'm ready for dinner. it's weird when you're sweating and it's raining.

me: wanna climb in the shower with me? wanna shower together?

Jen R: let's use the gym showers. i wanna shave off that monk beard of yours with these blades we found, i told you, you could never HOPE to be Evan Dando with his facial hair.

me: okay but remember what i've always told you, NEVER BRUSH YOUR TEETH NAKED. NEVER FLOSS NAKED. AND ESPECIALLY NEVER USE A WATERPIK NAKED. 

 

  

 

SNOW IN LOS ANGELES

notes:

* but not at Fishermans Wharf in Cannery Row. imagine the snow gently falling on the pier and slipping off the dock into the Bay water. now THAT is Hemingway shit.

* why are seasons of TV shows and cartoon shows and anime shows always 13 episodes? isn't 13 an unlucky number?

* Brooke Shields: come on, i'm still hot. yes my EYEBROWS could play Herman Munster in the new Rob Zombie movie.........btw, whatever happened to that movie? did it come out?

Eye Luggage flashing her eyebrows: ...

* Melissa Maker: MPJs, that's how we hold milk in Canada. that's how milk is served in Canada, how milk comes in Canada. stands for Melissa's Pure Juice. you need to buy an extra milk pitcher to drink milk in Canada. milk bags are fun.........please, no more tit jokes. no more milk jokes, milk is disgusting.

* hold space: when you take the time to solve your friend's many deep problems every single day.........so you don't have to share SPACE with him at night...

* Vastu: like if golden milk was an ice pop

* Oregon: WOW!!! this whole time we had no idea Idaho was our neighbor!!!...

* Shawn Mendes: so i went to my chiropractor to get a kink in my neck healed and she recommended sex...

chiropractor: wanna get a kink in your neck released? wanna get a kink removed? sex is the ultimate release...

* Shawn Mendes: doc, can you get this kink out of my neck?

chiropractor: wait, you sing? do you sing badly or something? i thought you were a bodybuilder...

* Laertus: OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED when it rains the recycling bins get WASHED!!! no more DECADES OF GRIME AND GUNK on the edges of the recycling bin, all the corner goo has been CLEANED. it especially helped that the lovely garbage men lifted the covers open so ALL THE RAIN entered and gave the inside of the bin a good SCRUBBING!!!

* Doryce: my middle finger is bandaged, i can't type anymore...

* Doryce: also, because my middle finger is damaged i can't carry the heavy 40-pound bag of kitty litter for our precious cat familiars.

Greykid: ain't no thing, mama, we can hold it for three days.

Gladyce: we damaged our spell fingers SCRAPING all the cat-poo gunk off the litter box. we did it with love.

Doryce: and also cos we didn't have a scraper tool. we used our fingernails as human well witch scrapers. now we don't have fingernails. just bleeding gums on our nailbeds. also because my midlde finger is so sensitive i can't go poo properly, when i wipe my old tight witch-butt i hold the tissue gingerly so my hand is full of caca now.

* Gladyce: btw, is the kitty litter at Petco actual cat litter or beach sand?...

* Roger Federer: that kid on his bicycle at the end of each Welcome Back, Kotter episode's end credits, you think he is holding an umbrella but it's really my first tennis racquet...

* John Travolta: did you see me at the end of the Hotsy Totsy stripper episode? i start dancing EXACTLY like Saturday Night Fever, i had a premonition...

Stu: omg Hotsy Totsy became a stripper, that happened to me IN REAL LIFE with one of my classmates!!! i saw her on stage at a strip bar, there are no winners in that scenario. read about it at my blog. a reverend's daughter drops out of school at 17 and has a baby and has to support said baby by being a stripper, that's real life.

Debralee Scott: i do the stripping where i don't have to take my clothes off, only shoot a gun.

* Hotsy Totsy: i wore a cheerleader uniform to show how hot Hotsy was but i didn't show my chest, i only showed my legs. life is an adventure but.........this wouldn't have happened if i had stayed on until Season 4 and seen that sex-ed reel...

Debralee Scott: Hotsy Totsy Scottsy. back then, rape was covered up as a teenage pregnancy, i witnessed those Hollywood parties in the '70s backstage. the first time you saw me was Match Game.

Laertus's dad: Police Academy...

Debralee Scott: doing Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman scrambled my brain, i was never the same after that, my heart had to compensate...

* Horshack: not Horseshit. i was the child of the group? the naive innocent one? no i was the smartest one and thus the most EMPATHETIC one. don't make fun of me. Sweathogs is a disgusting name. that laugh of mine was imitating dying of lung cancer. everybody at St. Cyril's always did the OO-OO raising their hand. i saved a girl from killing herself, suicide off the ledge of the school Claude-style, and i ended up marrying her, in the '70s it was ROMANTIC TO ACTUALLY MARRY YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL SWEETHEART. just goes to show, save a girl from ending it all, gain a wife.

* Epstein: did i ever use the disease Epstein-Barr as an excuse in one of my Signed, Epstein's Mother sick notes?

Boom Boom Washington: boom-boom does not denote sex, i was the first air-guitarist...

* Beau: i came over 4th Season cos everyone was sick of the Italian Stallion stereotype AND of Travolta. i came on board from New Orleans to attract the Southern demographic of the nation, ratings were sagging and nobody in the South could relate to this innercity school life in New York City. didn't work, show got canned.

John Travolta: Dozens means donuts.

* Marcia Strassman: i come from good Nebraska stock.........skinny stock. what the hell am i doing schlepping it with these schlubs? i'm too refined, i have too erudite a speaking voice to be here, i should be a professor of anthropology at the University of Nebraska...huskers not huskies...corn not porn...

* Gabe Kaplan: what happened to me? i was EVERYTHING in the '70s, i was saving the republic with my pornstache, Groucho Marx, and corny jokes.

Marcia Strassman: that's why i married you, the corn.

John Travolta: and rhymed jokes. ranking is insulting with class.

Gabe Kaplan: what was that weird thing with the 4th season. i was unhappy with the MONEY i was getting, seriously? i had the opportunity to PUT MY DREAM ON SCREEN and i'm quibbling about salary? i should work for nothing to realize my dream, dreams have nothing to do with money. a dream is a TV screen with your sheen.

* Gabe Kaplan: the '70s were a pivotal point in the country, and life in New York City in the '70s was as gritty and real as it got. we were talking about hoods, gangs, and detention instead of death. Sesame Street came out of this same '70s NYC milieu and had to steer the kids RIGHT WITH LOVE. Saturday Night Live in 1975 NYC taught the kids who were becoming adults to be counterculture against Nixon.

Laertus's dad: those studio audiences you had tho, they were hootin' and hollerin' and commentatin' on each line of the script live on-air the whole way through. were they on SNL acid? what's with the whole turning your life to POKER of all things?

Gabe Kaplan: no heavy lifting, i was a failed basketball star. my mother was not proud of me for Welcome Back, Kotter. theme song by The Lovin' Spoonful. no, my mom wanted me to get out of the remedial class and become a teacher...

* Family Matters braces

Reginald VelJohnson TV Dad: you know your house is a sitcom when you don't see any walls anywhere...

* Reginald VelJohnson: i could have afforded Lisa Simpson's braces if i had lived in Beverly Hills...

* Bee Gees: WELL the Bee Gee family went to the well one too may times and it cost us all our brothers.

* man: how long is this pillow commercial?

wife: 2 minutes.

*sees the MyPillow guy, leaves*

* Starry: we'll never be Sprite but this is funny. 

Keke Palmer: i'm pregnant, don't tell my baby daddy that i hooked up with Water Man...

* Michael Jordan: Republicans buy sneakers, too. so do girls...

* Taco Bell: we don't actually invent NEW FOOD, it's just all our old food packaged differently. the Cantina Taco is our taco in a shell made of Special K cereal...

* GEICO Inspector Gadget undercover agent

spy in trash can: i didn't think young people used a trash can anymore.........it's not fair, i do all the work while you sit back in the van getting Chinese food all over your chest.

* Sue Bird: and how many rings did you win for your alma mater, Steph?

Steph Curry: people don't care about college basketball anymore after Coach K left...

CLICK HERE FOR DOORDASH

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: DoorDash for Taco Bell is cool but it still doesn't have David Letterman working the Taco Bell window...

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: THE WHEDONVERSE IS COLLAPSING

 

despite all odds, i still think Jen R is going to come back. i have no reason to believe it, it's sheer blind faith, the same faith Jen R used to convey to me when we talked of church. we share a tiny shack of a room in an abandoned dorm on the neon campus.

me: why did you leave me?

Jen R: it wasn't about YOU, bub.

me: i know i know. but i can't escape the glut of my feelings choking my trachea. you gave me hope.

Jen R: this hallway is filled with mice and boys trying to be men and failing.

me: i know. because i know you. i know you're an Instagram girl at heart. i know ONE DAY you will want to post that Beatles thing, your body BURNS to post that Beatles thing!!! YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO POST that Beatles thing NOW on Instagram!!! it's a musty must. and so you'll come back. in a month? hopefully. but i'll wait MANY more years after that for you. 

Jen R: chill out. okay. i'm here. i'm back. Ash Wednesday Miracle here we go. so what's your heaven?

me: Saturday night. no, it's THURSDAY NIGHT. just you and me on this ratty couch here. that's it. we're watching a very obscure Canadian series from 1990 called Saying Goodbye on TVOntario. 

Jen R: oh yeah i remember that dank-as-fuck show. but i'm not watching the suicide episode "A Promise Broken," i can't watch that one. i told you about that, right? i warned you about that stuff.

me: yes, you are my moral compass. i used to watch this show back in the day back at my folks' summer home in Indio in the '80s. the show had that trademark Canadian gloom background affect in the atmosphere, everything grey, the entire picture onscreen is grey.

Jen R: your parents had a summer house? but you were dirt poor. what are we drinking?

me: Coke Nitro.

Jen R: what are we eating?

me: bagels.

Jen R: the good stuff, right? made with genuine New York water? i can tell.

me: i tried to make them for you in my summer cottage but i can't get the taste just right.

Jen R: you gotta boil them first. don't take the chlorine out of the water. then don't bake the bagels, you FRY them.

Julia Ioffe: i'm hot. but not as hot as Jen R. i do have that Jen R vibe to me tho but i can never hope to BE Jen R.

Greykid: you CAN herd cats you know. you just have to be polite about it. treat us with respect, you know?

Farrock: not fuck u, friendly.

Farrock: that's Far Rock...

Margherita Hack: you don't need New York water if you got Italy water. let me show you how i make my homemade salsa through this youtube video...

lozzo: lotsa staying loose and going with the flow...

Lizzo: ...

Rubikon: so of course I liked the Ballmastrz Special!!! it was fun hearing "balls deep" and "biatch" used again. 

Takahashi: are there still new episodes of Space Battleship Yamato going on in Japan?

Rubikon: did you see that trick at the end of the special, Laertus?

Dirg: ...

Laertus: ah yes, when you're writing your script always end it with The Name Of An Item, The Name Of An Object...

Casey Corn: so i kinda have the perfect name to be a recipe foodie...

Casey Corn: i'm kinda the Rachel Maddow of food...

Mankato: Doryce's favorite place...

Kato Kaelin: ...

Kato Kaelin: can i crash at your pad? with my name i shoulda been either a superhero sidekick or a porn star.

Green Lantern: i'd be nothing without my sidekick.........the ring has nothing to do with it...

somehow i manage: double-entendres are for winners, not for office head.

bank drivethrus in the '70s: the pneumatic tube was cool cos it made banks in the '70s Space-Age Futuristic. then Costco got its cavernous hands on the pneumatic tube and made it dystopian.

McDonald's: there was never any cash in those pneumatic tubes, just rolled-up credit-card applications...

bank: oh it was real money, real cash, real tender, real banknotes. no coins in the pneumatic tube tho, that's a carnival game. but the cash was that Richie Rich cash, you know? those greenbacks didn't have 1s or 5s or 100s on them, they just had the $ symbol on them.

Eye Luggage: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and go.........the 1992 one.

Joss Whedon: why do i still have a hard-on for Donald Sutherland.........STILL?!!! it's been 30 YEARS FOR FUCK SAKE!!!

Joss Whedon: i mean does hate last forever?

Donald Sutherland: the hate inside YOU does. i was just trying to make the script better.

Joss: thanks for the shade, thanks for the dig at my writing ability, grandpa.

Donald: i like to tweak things so the words match the cadence of my deep husky voice, i'm a trained Shakespearean actor you know.

Joss: Shakespeare sucked, Chaucer was better.

Donald Sutherland: how can we remedy this?

Joss Whedon: make me the STAR of the next 24 reboot!!! i was BORN to be an action star, look at my pasty white New York thighs. i called Kiefer and he said it was okay!!!

Eye: why were you so inspired by vampires?

Joss: i'm a ginger, i've been cursed since i was a little kid.

Kristy Swanson: i'm ready for the sequel to this that Joss PROMISED he'd write. yes there's really gonna be a sequel to THIS movie that won't involve Sarah Michelle Gellar. i hate Sarah Michelle Gellar and it has everything to do with politics. blondes will never get along with each other.

Sarah Michelle Gellar: i just gotta say that if it wasn't for THIS SPECIFIC MOVIE i wouldn't have had a career AT ALL.

Luke Perry: can you do this in three days? three is a good number, i gotta get back to Beverly Hills to shoot my shot...

Paul Reubens: i always thought Pee-wee Herman would have looked better with makeup on...

Paul Reubens: imagine Pee-wee Herman with long hippie hair.........oh wait nevermind don't think of a theater.

Hilary Swank: what am I thinking here? little ol' me went on to win an OSCAR after wading in this movie's 90210 dreck.

Oliver Pike: hey. be kind. rewlnd. Oliver Pike is a RAD name, shoulda kept that.

David Arquette: i did this as a favor for my brother then sister who's the best DJ and PERSON who ever lived.

Stephen Root: i am the principal in EVERY school of EVERY movie and TV show you have EVER watched...

Natasha Gregson Wagner: even back then i had that mousey guppy Fraggle Rock mouth and Meg Ryan nose-wrinkle and Bewitched-twitch cute face to me. 

Candy Clark: this film taught me empathy...

Candy Clark: you can't have empathy without warmth.........i did Burning Man in Indio...

 

Ben Affleck: wait i'm Basketball Player #10? i couldn't even be Basketball Player #1? what am I thinking here? i'd be another faceless forgotten Hollywood extra if i hadn't met Matt Damon. this scrawny kid before you---though i still am tall enough to be a basketball player---this skinny kid before you who was a Boston bully went on to marry J.Lo!!!

Jennifer Lopez: that's Jennifer Lynn Affleck to you...

Ben: i mean i would have been satisfied, i would have had a satisfying career, if i had done Teen Wolf with Michael J. Fox instead!!!

Ricki Lake: one of my first topics on my new talk show was in fact teenagers who think they're vampires and the mothers who love them...

Hemery: a very strange name, a beautifully awkward name, a name that evokes Transylvania. what does it mean, Joss?

Joss Whedon: it's not Satanic, it just means sewing.

Doryce: i remember Buffy Summers. she became a Slayer cos the bitch couldn't hack it as a witch.

Gladyce: be nice, dear.

Doryce: that blonde bitch killed my friends!!!

Merrick: you have been Chosen to kill vampires.

Buffy: i'm a cheerleader, i already slay. what's your damage, grandpa? omg that's the first use of that since Heathers!!!

Merrick: if i was a creepy old man would i be wearing this Castlevania hat? 

Buffy: um, girls don't play video games. if you had said Indiana Jones i'd get it cos i'm into hunks.

Merrick: i have to meet you in a locker room every time cos that's where you are!!!

Merrick: i will prove to you that what i am saying is not crazy. do you ever have dreams of being Joan of Arc fighting vampires with cheese?

Buffy: sure but all girls have that dream.

Merrick: it's gonna be cool, we don't use metal stakes for some reason, that would be kind, we use obtuse wood stakes to make it as painful as possible in the vampire's chest.

Marilyn Manson: it's cos the wood is sprinkled with holy water by a priest.........sorry, i know i'm persona non grata. i slayed in this costume...

Edward Cullen: vampires have hearts you know.........which are perfect targets to get slain.

Merrick: this is very important, Buffy, you're here to kill vampires. vampires are not the same thing as DEMOCRATS, okay?

Buffy: it's a Rambo training montage but with cool Joy Division music.

Joss: see Buffy was supposed to be this vapid cheerleader character but then when she speaks she has MY smartass voice so it becomes jarring, you root for her despite yourself. the best writing is when you'e a SMART-ASS the whole way through...

Oliver Pike: look at my face. come on, i'm supposed to be a social outcast?!! are you okay, man?

Benny Jacks: i'm fine.

Oliver: take off that black shirt with the skull on it, i told you NOT to join that motorcycle gang. i don't care if you're a vampire.

Benny: we could live forever and go joyriding in this town forever if you let me turn you.

Oliver: you're my best friend but my neck is ticklish.

Benny: will you let me in?.........i've got the Hoyle Book.........i'm testing out the first true jetpack...

Cassandra: it's okay. i wanted to die. i got to fuck a vampire, that's pretty good for a glasses girl, right? i'm okay.

Buffy: you're okay being the beta male to my alpha?

Oliver: well you do have some big tits.

Joss: call me every name under the blood-red sun but i do write strong feminist characters. females as LEADS. warrior women.

Buffy: wanna make out?

Luke Perry: yes.

Buffy: okay but you gotta put a big black ash cross on your forehead like i do.

Luke: no i can't do that, i don't believe in dust-to-dust, i believe in Elvis. i can do the vampire ashes in a pile after staking but i can't do the Ash Wednesday weirdness.

Buffy: why you creepin' me?

Lothos: you're the first girl i've met in my 3000 years on this planet who smells like Old Spice... 

Buffy: my mentor is dying in my arms but i'm having trouble conjuring up real tears for this scene.

Donald Sutherland: you're not a very good actress, are you, Kristy Swanson?

Kristy Swanson: fish food.

Buffy: prom committee is NOT important in the grand scheme of things.

friends: this is our LIFE. it's the be-all, end-all, and be-all again. it's the only time we can muster up mascara in our eyes cos we certainly can NOT muster up tears.  

Buffy: i'll burn the school down...

friends: i mean......what does that mean? school shooters aren't a thing yet.

Buffy: any wooden stick will do, right? i'm gonna dispatch Lothos with Carol Burnett's mop handle!!!

Lothos: i have a SWORD.........but it's made of wood, shit.

Joss: the audience is smarter than you think, audiences LOVE abstract jokes they have to figure out after on the lobby escalator. it would have been so much better if they let me burn down the school. if all the sets burned down then we all could have wiped this movie from our memories. what can i tell you, suicide is a part of life.

Don Lemon: you became an atheist after reading Sartre and then going to see Close Encounters of the Third Kind? i don't see the connection.

Joss: Donny, Sartre is obviously an alien who was WAY too smart for this world, his concepts flew over the heads of us human lower lifeforms. 

Don Lemon: okay then so is was Jesus an alien, too?

Joss: i mean.........technically yes.

Don Lemon: who's the Anny to your Antoine?

Joss: Gal Gadot.

Don Lemon: now see? THAT's the shit that makes me nauseous.

Joss Whedon: i don't care what anybody says, the next Buffy show i write will have a person of color as the Chosen One Slayer main protagonist. and that Slayer WILL be Will Smith. g'night folks.

me: don't you see? we're not gonna fuck on this ratty couch, this won't be another in the long line of one-minute loosening of the lust latch to let out the juice. no lascivious alien cannolis here. we're not another human couple, we're better than that. sex is boring, what we do is we MAKE LOVE 100% GUARANTEED. making love is wholly different. making love unlocks the power of the universe.

Jen R looks at me with her patented jaundiced look of taking the measure of me. she does not remove her librarian glasses, her blue eyes remain part of the sardonic sea.

i know it's going to be a good night. a night of warmth and compassion. because i see Jen R in my chair working on my computer and her pink grandma sweater sleeve gets caught on the Chromebook corner.

Jen R: your little tiny Chromebook computer here. i'm calling it the Sock Sleeper. cos it rests at night snuggled deep inside a pile of your socks in your dresser drawer. 

Jen R smiles puffing her puzzled lips out. puzzling through a smirk. her lips, they're still not puffy.

CHROMEBOOK CITY: SEEN 1 HOUR AGO...

 

me: i can feel it like it happened one week ago...which it did. i feel it NOW, all the emotion, the raw emotion. that moment when i never saw Jen R again. i look down from a neon cross on the street of a grimy sidewalk at my watch and at my phone. there it is in black and white:

Seen. 1 Hour Ago

me: i can't believe it, Jen R was there, RIGHT THERE IN MY DMs!!! i can REACH OUT MY HAND to touch her pink-grandma-sweatered hand, i can hold her, i can bring her BACK to me, wrench her back INTO MY CHEST. THROUGH the computer screen. she was there only an hour ago, breathing, talking cynical talk, massaging her smack, commiserating, coming up with something, i coulda rejoindered back, texted her a stupid phrase, kept the chain going. 

me: the question is what was I doing an hour ago? eating a bowl of breakfast? eating Trix? why was it so important to clean my teeth at THAT time? the witching hour. the plaque never comes out no matter how vigorously you rub your enamel. what's a bad picture if it's a picture WITH Jen R? Jen R can't take a bad picture...

Jen R: hi. it's fine. calm down, dude.

me: the STUPID thing is that the last pic you ever saw of mine, well the last video, was something dumb of a green parrot asking for cocktail cheese, it had no bearing on the world, all the wild conversations we had about psychedelic pills for portals and which band we needed to cure the world with their love.

Jen R: i know but i knew that wasn't you. we had a lot of good talks in the past so it's okay. we both settled on Keanu Reeves being hungry rather than sad in that pic.

me: i have a confession to make. not a Catholic one. i HAVE been interested in a religion, well i should say that if i HAD to join a religion, the one that utterly FASCINATES me even to this day is Scientology. i'd join Scientology, be one of those Scientology hitmen who stalks ex-Members' houses and lawns. a god goon, a theology thug, a bible bully, a holy hitman. i know all the rumors, i know all the facts, i watched that episode of South Park, they believe in an Alien In The Sky. but i still gotta do it, you know? it's just too weird that i love it, it enchants. it's this mouth-watering combination of science and religion. it's this secret cabal of Modern-day Medieval Gnosticism, there's something about lost souls such as i being able to FINALLY join a cult that'll have me and be privy to information that only like 5 people in the world know. like only I have the keys to figure out how to beat life, i've been given the secret Nintendo code to the video game of life. i'm cheating at church but don't tell anyone. everything on the down low. the founder's wife is under house arrest a long time but we don't talk about that at award ceremonies. 

Rubikon: you know dog i feel you. about the Scientology thing, it captivates me too.

Jen R: you're just into it cos of the glamor of the Hollywood celebrities.

me: it's true i admit it they glitter my gold teeth, shaking them saintly. what say all of us go down to a Meeting?

Rubikon: yeah but i don't want to go to that iconic Blade Runner metal trellis Church with the neon red sign in the middle of Hollywood, the corner of Vine and Sunset, right? i want to go to the Harlem Chapter of Scientology downtown.

me: i'm with you, brother, let's do this.

we get there and the first item that's confiscated is my Chromebook from my pouch.

The Line: sorry dude, no recording allowed inside. i do like your device tho, it's fresh, it's fly. i'm calling it the Boon Book.

Rubikon: damn, YOU work here now?!!!

The Line: just going with the flow like E.Z. Taylor. you should try it sometime, my brother.

me: i wish i was a street poet like you, Mr. Line. yeah the Chromebook has become my only companion, i do get my wrists caught on the corners of it tho when i try to type on it wearing my sweatshirt...

Frozen River: wanna watch strippers on The Weather Channel?

Jen R and i are crossing a neon bridge in an electric ferry.

me: what do you want to talk about now?

Jen R: Prince.

me: pillow princes i mean pillow princess? sorry, i'm nervous around you. Prince, right, Prince, of course, the purple singer.

Jen R: i'm straight, remember? i told you Evan Dando is dreamy.

me: now see, SEE?!!! i don't want to live in a world of war, pandemics, and STRIFE. eternal teams. i want to live life the way the Scooby Gang live life, ALL THEY ARE CONCERNED ABOUT is hot-dog-eating contests.

Jen R: i like pizza. i'm a pizza girl myself. i'm partial to the pizza. they couldn't let Scooby beat Joey Chestnut?!!! BOO!!! less strife, more fife.

The Shroud of Turin on display NOT UNDER GLASS at Elon Musk's house: i may not be Jesus but that face on the shroud is creepy.

Medieval Times: looks like one of our mustachioed knights...

Jen R and i in the elevator inside the house.

me: that betrayal hurt. that betrayal was brutal.

Jen R: which one?

me: Nana Visitor's in her Outer Limits episode.

Jen R: consider yourself blessed.

Mardith and Dirg at the neon-green greenhouse.

Mardith: Antony Blinken is hot.

Dirg eating dirt: ...

Alcaraz at the indoor tennis courts: i'm Nadal with good knees.

cancer alley: a long slender cigarette

Art Monk standing beside a bust of his face: that better be marble and not mayonnaise. i had to use mayonnaise to paint when i was a kid. i was nicknamed "Quiet Man" cos like my last name i was quiet as a monk mouse. 

Jerry from Tom and Jerry and Codrus: ...

Berkeley Carroll on the street corner: how to make BOTH your dreams come true...

Biden: don't worry, we've got your sister safe, i protected her from the aliens. 

Mulder: thanks, Joe.

Biden: she's in a SCIF.

Mulder: i really wish you hadn't told me that...

E.Z. Taylor: you know what the Three's a Crowd ending is? Shangri-la.

Michael Cera in a neon movie theater: call me on my landline. i have NO smartphone, NO social media, i am the healthiest human of all time on the planet and i have no more Hollywood jobs...

Newcleus "Jam On It" Break Street '84 playing on the white wall of the church at night: what happened JUST AFTER Welcome Back, Kotter ended...

Stephen A. Smith: i accidentally told my gardener to touch grass and i  am sorry for this.

Torstein Rehn: i don't do anime.

Dave Gahan on a black mountain: let's be honest, we all thought Depeche Mode would become a twosome because of ME...

soft watch: when Salvador Dali's mustache goes limp and turns flaccid.

Katy Tur: if i hadn't left France to cover the Trump Campaign, i would have ended up marrying Richard Belzer in Paris.

Richard Belzer: you'd wear a grey wedding dress, i'd wear my Mick Jagger sparkling one-piece bodysuit and dance like a duck.

Abraham Lincoln: nobody travels for Presidents' Day...

Tony Romo in a bucket hat on the neon golf course: i'm a gofer, not a gopher. i bought Welcome Back, Kotter The Complete Series on DVD, $50 at Walmart...

Marcelo Rios: yeah i wore a wedding gown later in my life. i was the shortest man ever to be #1 in the world and i also held the #1 spot for the SHORTEST time...

blues week: every middle school needs a Mental Health Resource Center lit up in neon blue glow.

Michael Phelps: i tried to get into one of those resource centers, i tried to access the blue-hue gate but the neon door was blocked by snow...

Molly Qerim naked floating up to the night sky bathed in a warm bath of light from the city lights of New York City: i get all my sweatsuits from Walmart.........i order them online.

Anime Aldon: i'm Aldon Jacob, reminding you that walmart.com like animesuperhero.com has shut down permanently...

Gladyce: you know when i do my jumping jacks, i try to position myself EXACTLY between the eaves so nobody sees me.

Billy Corgan: ...

Doryce: it's like how Billy Corgan creeps under the eaves at night.

Billy Corgan wearing a neon collar around his bald head: i'm still coming to grips with my witch powers...

Lucio Rossi holding the cool green phone: OVER 200 BLOCKS!!!

me holding the red phone: you say that like it's a bad thing. it's so cool and satisfying to pick off each of these spam calls one by one.........and i HATE skeet shooting.

David Miscavige is giving the sermon by the pulpit made of star telescopes.

David Miscavige eating a whole head of raw cabbage as he speaks: listen to that CRUNCH, that's my name. look, you've heard some PRETTY WEIRD THINGS about Scientology but it's all been from OUTSIDE, you've never experienced the truth INSIDE, go inside yourself. i'm not talking about masturbation. it's an Audit on a boat, it's painless. preclear just means you have no zits on your face and can dispose of the zit cream, this is what happened with that Degrassi band. don't worry about my wife, she's home resting.

upstairs from the speech on top of David in the library hanging from the ceiling by two giant silver link chains like a metal Atlas, Jen R, Rubikon, and i are pushing buttons and turning back dials.

Jen R: oh this little tuner is so CUTE!!! look at this little button here like my sweater button, like a joystick.

me: yeah it all looks like a video game to me.

Rubikon: this place looks like an arcade.

Jen R: i'm not gonna push this button and an electrical shock goes straight to the frontal and backal lobes of my brain and scrambles my mind forever, right? before this job interview begins, the drugs in me prevent me from lying to you so here goes my confession straight from my system: i haven't paid taxes EVER...

as Jen R reaches out her hand to grab i instinctively reach out MY hand to grab HER hand. but Jen R is going for the button.........she tries to push it but her wrist gets caught on the corner of the tuner by the hole in the sleeve of her pink grandma sweater.