* i know i know, tech and cars
* Chris Hardwick: i'm trying not to blame my name for my troubles. but it's hard. see? sorry.
Dick's: don't blame us. we offer sports equipment mostly for boys. what did you expect?
* Croce: that band stole my song! i can travel time you know. i'm coming to get you!......dammit my bottle broke when i was playing 99 Bottles on the hull of a pirate ship!
* that baby chair is not good for serving food…
* remember the '70s?: the basement was used to do laundry. caves were still in nature. the washer and dryer were still separate but equal, they only made circular glass for that one item, you could see your dirty clothes spinning in bubbles and it was like cheap therapy, saved on drugs. the arcade was in the laundromat, that's where the idea for quarters came from. inchworms after rain were set free, not stepped on.
* mom and dad: remember our faces. we're gonna be wearing wigs.
* sister: dad, why does everyone in the Seventies wear rainbow-sleeved yellow sweaters?
dad: two words: Jim Croce.
sister: mom, please, no more watermelon in my lunchbox. the kids are starting to make fun of me.
* sister: dad, the kids are starting to make fun of me at school! why can't i play REAL tennis?! you got this table-tennis set at the board-games section of Toys R Us!
dad: only rich people play tennis, dear, we're not rich people. i run an arcade in the afternoon.
* dad: now honey, i want you to take this weird small racquet made of many bubbles and smash your brother's face in. like you're hitting a real tennis serve. don't worry, your brother is wearing glasses.
* brother: felt?
sister: not yet...……….oh you mean the court...
* tv down in the basement with stacks of ATARI cartridges never turned on in favor of ping pong. laundry basket for ping-pong balls only.
* mom: honey, where did you win all these trophies?
dad: the arcade. video-game sports.
mom: one day that really will be a profession. but not today, me and my hair are stuck in the '80s. my mother wanted me to marry an athlete…
* sister: dad, what do you think?
dad: blue paint, bold choice. Bison? are you hunting behind my back again, missy!?
sister: no that's just our sports team at school.
dad: Alexis For President, nice. who the fuck is Alexis!?
sister: your stupidity made me spill the blue paint all over the goddam table-tennis table it's ruined!!!
dad: one day all the real tennis courts won't be green , they'll be blue...
* sister: how'd you win? i'm smarter and taller than you.
brother: i'm shorter yet stronger than you. i know, it's not fair.
sister: at least i still got my Harlem Globetrotters basketball and you got your roller skates...we're a progressive family.
brother: watch: table tennis was so good to me i grew instantly into the body of a college student!
sister: how'd you get the money for college?
brother: i joined a frat.
sister: there are no frats for girls.
* sister: wait, what is this? the low-humming blue light? the red cups? but this is still the basement.
brother: yeah there were no table-tennis scholarships in the '90s so...mom and dad retrofitted the basement to become my "man cave" and we pretend i'm in college and this is a hostel party.
sister: wow. they even hung STATE flags and everything, this is one big snowjob.
brother: hopefully later tonight. we couldn't afford to wash our togas.
* brother: how are you getting by life?
sister: i won a rollerblading scholarship to a junior college. i invented the sport by retrofitting your roller skates. became a mogul. they wanted me to be a machinist and marry up to the ATARI guy but i blazed my own trail. it wasn't dorky for girls to rollerblade in the '90s, it was cool.
* sister: how are you getting by life?
brother: completed college by suing that dude that broke the table-tennis net.
dad: son, here is your brown cardboard box. get used to it, you will be fired many times. now forget what you've learnt on tv, all you need for college is two bigass giant gallon-bottles of both ketchup and mustard and TONS of socks.
* dad: let's see, ORNAMENTS. is it Christmas already again, dear?
mom: yep, i can tell by that cheap plastic surgery on your face and bad gray dyejob on your head.
dad: sigh. that WEDDING box, never got to use it...
mom: for the tree ornaments this year, dear, just use your ben wa balls.
* brother: hey sis, want a game? WHOA what happened to you!? why are you Hispanic now?
sister: game? LIFE is a game. look, i can't tell you where i live, work, teach, and audit, but let's just say my name is Suri Cruise now. and this is my son Little Tom Cruise. he's wearing the snow sweater of course.
* sister: this is perfect cheap therapy. i'm gonna beat you the fuck down, brother. get out all my aggression and disappointment about the way my life went on you!
brother: that's okay. that's what brothers are for. this is how love was shown to us by mom and dad, you're only a mirror. as you can see, i never left this basement. and we root for the Jacksonville Jaguars. we don't get out much.
dad: that white wig looks so ugly and fake on you.
mom: fuck you, dear.
dad: fam, for Christmas this year i got us the table-tennis court fixed!
brother: *checking his phone* no buyers yet cos it's lost all its nostalgic value.
Napoleon Dynamite: sentimental value: one million dollars in elongated coins. actual intrinsic value: fitty cent.
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies. don't you want to be a fly on the palatial wall of Nick and Priyanka's wedding this weekend? or at least an inchworm? watch, eventually that palace will overtake the Taj Mahal as the greatest constructed symbol of love. it will be the only thing up to code when The Big One hits. Priyanka Chopra, not Deepak Chopra, made me believe again......i took a dip in the Ganges, opened my third eye which was red from the chlorine of the spirit---it hurts to heal---and i have never bathed since.