Jen R: hey can i borrow your dryer brush?
Gary Kildall: yes my hair is nice. before you start.........i am not Nolan Bushnell...
Jen: i'll trade you this VERY RARE can of Pringles with the original Broadway cast of Hairspray...
Frida Kahlo is surfing at Carmel Beach.
Frida Kahlo: Diego Rivera of course isn't here with me.
Diego Rivera: give me a break, muchacha, the only way i can beach is by bodyboarding...
Jen: when i was in Austin i picked up some authentic Texas birria with Shelley Duvall.
Shelley Duvall: the REAL authentic Texas birria is in Nashville...
Frida Kahlo: only Shelley Duvall has permission to call me mamacita...
Doryce: i'm sorry but that eggshell was SO WRINKLY it looked like my vagina.
Gladyce: the world must contend with the witch vagina, it's the only way it's gonna survive.
Kevin Bacon: weirdly and strangely, me seeing if i'd attend the Footloose Prom got international coverage, but when i actually WENT to that prom, there were no cameras, it was a completely private event...
Ingrid Andress: i wasn't drunk. the National Anthem needs a tweak.
Ursula Andress: not my kid. i fucked Federer. then i fucked Ingmar Bergman.
all MLB baseball players: you just kinda know when someone's drunk, you know?
Jeanette Moncada: Gold Leaf Spice & Teas, the LUSH of spicy teas. no lavender tea. i'll be your tea barista this morning. i'm just doing this until Paul McCartney notices me.
Kurt Cobain: i like your jeans.
LCD Soundsystem: dance yrself clean.
Washed Out: ...
spade-toothed whale: Pinocchio has been with me this whole time.........that's why he was "lost at sea" for so long.........we plan to marry. you really learn to love a guy who's inside you for so long.
Livvy Dunne: do the splinker on me...
Eye Luggage: This Is Spinal Tap and go.
Spinal Tap: SUMMER WATCH PARTY!!!
Christopher Guest: daftly, we got three Americans doing British accents instead of three Brits. i'm SORTA British...
Christopher Guest: ...enough that i'm in the Royal Family. i'm actually Meghan Markle's valet.
Michael McKean: so the umlaut is over the L in Spinal?
Harry Shearer: this is my real mustache, helps me do cartoon voices, my mouth is trapped and can't move...
Tony Hendra: i am BRILLIANT in this as the band manager, i have such natural acting ability, why didn't i do more stuff? why didn't i become famous?.........oh, THAT's why...
June Chadwick: i was only hot in 1984...
June Chadwick: i was the woman on the seaplane from the George Michael "Careless Whisper" music video!!!...
Baloo: George Michael and i had a special relationship in the '80s.........we were both at the height of our fame after a comeback...
Bruno Kirby: yes, i'm the limo driver from those MTV commercials...
Bruno Kirby: my name sounds like a SEGA video game from the '90s...
Rob Reiner: to this day nobody knows the name of the U.S.S. Ship on my Navy hat. i don't know it either, but that tugboat was captained by Jean-Luc Picard.
Patrick Stewart: those were actual scrambled eggs which you et, you ate them, you tucked into them, you tub of lard.
Rob: that's hurtful. i can't eat meat anymore, do you how much that pains especially ME?!!! i'm fat but i don't have a fat head full of harmful ideas that are coming back to bite America. what a minute, are you British or French?
Spinal Tap: this was the first mockumentary. people didn't know what to make of it, they thought it was a real documentary about a real band.
Rob: you know why you can't find the script to this anywhere on the net? because this movie was COMPLETELY IMPROVISED...
Viv Savage: Viv is the loveliest of British names...
drummer in tub: now THIS is punk rock.
Dave Grohl: personally i liked Spinal Tap in their Beatles "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" era. they got too corporate when they started doing the Mamas and the Papas. what's the big deal with all the drummers dying? we each have our day. to shine. everyone has spontaneously combusted, that is a universal human experience.
Detective Conan with spyglass snooping around the garden: dead gardeners always get forgotten. even the ones in English gardens...
Bruno Kirby: you can't put the partition up on me, this is MY limo!!! i'm driving this thing!!! see these English rock bands today, in the '80s, have no respect. The Beatles had respect, Ringo asked me where the Chipotle was. i politely told Ringo Chipotle wasn't a thing yet. Ringo was devastated. trashing hotel rooms ain't cool, i married a Mexican maid named Pati. my wife bears the burden of music greatness. legal wife by the way. heavy metal is dead, it's a fad, the real music comes later with Vaporwave and Christian Slater.
Spinal Tap: our skiffle days, when we ate nothing but peanut brittle. being on the road SUCKS, it's not about freedom at all. we were the Thamesmen when we found out Benny Hill owned that label, we don't want to be associated with his perversion. we needed money back then and we still do.
Michael McKean: Hair ripped us off but Treat Williams does have a nicer singing voice than me.
nanny: The Beatles had NOTHING on their cover for The White Album and they did pretty well.
Trent Reznor: Nothing, aye?...
Spinal Tap: but we're not The Beatles. Smell The Glove is a philosophical treatise on why humans aren't touching each other anymore. soon humans won't talk to each other anymore and the advance of AI will slip in. robot takeover.
Harry Shearer: i know i do cartoons but i'm not getting into this anime cocoon...
Polly Deutsch: the napkin said inches not feet. the Stonehenge Druids were short. you had no idea i was Anjelica Huston, did you?...
Paul Shaffer: kick my ass, baby, if you can find it. it's plump like Canadian bacon. this is the reason i was strangely an SNL cast member for that one year...
Howard Hesseman: my lead singer is gifted. he's Treat Williams. my band plays rock music that makes you THINK. they're called Rush. they're getting the airplay they deserve because i'm a radio disc jockey...
Rob: just make 11 10.
Guest: that's too confusing.
Guest: i'm tough as nails. see this shirt? these are my actual ribs. neon ribs after i drank the slime from my He-Man castle. we subsequently used the Greyskull as the band skull on top of us on stage when we play.
St. Hubbins: astrology is so bullshit. the only truth is music. the only action is performing.........music.
June: i can give you a Pettiboner but only if you're an Aries.
Derek Smalls: i sound like a rapper...
Ed Begley Jr.: i didn't disappear, i'm not another disappeared drummer, i'm just staying at the St. Elsewhere hospital...
Curly from the Three Stooges: my stomach became invincible after eating asparagus.
Rob: the review for Shark Sandwich was two words: Shit Sandwich.
Spinal Tap: you can't just have two words in the newspaper that like, come on, mate.
Spinal Tap: this new album cover is just black. black all over. it's The White Album only black.
Billy Corgan: this is literally my worst nightmare.
Hayao Miyazaki: don't worry, Blacker Than Black the anime is going nowhere...
Christopher: it's like a black mirror. let me give my frat brother Jon Hamm a call.
McKean: could we maybe add a coiled snake on the cover...
Metallica: shit.
Spinal Tap at Elvis's memorial grave: this is a set, they wouldn't let us into Graceland in real life...
Spinal Tap backstage: where's the door?
Spinal Tap go through the wrong door and come out into a Wimbledon grass court.
John McEnroe: i'm teaching David Bowie how to tennis. he'll look like Bjorn Borg in no time...
Bowie: i could show you a few bars on the ol' guitar there, John my boy.
John: can i zhuzh your hair, Dave?
Laertus: okay when they go to the Air Force base and start in on the song "Sex Farm," i BUSTED up laughing at those lyrics.
Spalding Gray: that song is my life before i broke big.
Michael: we're playing a puppet show. we're the opening act for a puppet show in Forest Theatre in Carmel!!!
June: and we only got the gig because i'm "friends" with Mister Rogers.
Billy Corgan: see you in June.
Harry: no problem, the stage is like a Mini Hollywood Bowl. i'll bust out some of my experimental music that makes us sound like the band Yes...
Harry: i mean all heavy-metal bands are progressive in the end, right?...
Yes: no.
Soleil Moon Frye: Punky Brewster McCloud, the name of my hardcore punk band.
Michael: i mean the universe blows my mind. you know? how can the universe HAVE ALWAYS EXISTED?
Stephen Hawking: because i said so.
Michael: i don't care about music now. when there's the universe.
Chris: i'm a fish nut.
dad: yeah me too. Filet-o-Fishes from McDonald's. the good way. the way they were done in the '80s, charred on the corners like Jackson Pollock. fish sticks? nah, we didn't have air fryers in the '80s...
Chris: fish fingers...
Spinal Tap: we also came up with the concept of Big in Japan.
Hayao Miyazaki: i've never heard of you.
Spinal Tap: so, once and for all, what real-life band was the inspiration for Spinal Tap? Scorpions? Deep Purple? Motorhead? Judas Priest? Billy Idol?
Dirk the Daring: DragonForce, right?
Ringo: Led Zeppelin. g'night folks.
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