Friday, January 14, 2022




* Novak Djokovic: i laugh at the whole world. two words: farmyard tennis...

* lead singer of Hum: "Waves" does NOT sound like the Smashing Pumpkins song "Bodies"!...

* boung: not what you think

* Francia Raisa: would Justin Bieber do what I DID for Selena Gomez?!!!...

* Koro-sensei: nobody has a laugh like mine.........not even my fellow yellow-character Spongebob.

* Lorne: you still question the POWER of SNL? in 2022? if it wasn't for the Aladdin sketch Pete Davidson and Kim K would not be a thing right now! that sketch altered the trajectory of two lives! there's power in a stage kiss!

* Perry Farrell: i always thought it was

When i want something
I don't want to pay for rent...

Lou Reed: i wrote that song...

* Dennis Rodman: why do i have to work out? i'm not comebacking anything...

* Microsoft Surface
Phoenix: feeling zoned out? spaced out? stressed out? burnt out?
Kurt Cobain: ...
Phoenix: maybe it's cos you're made of clay...
Jesus: i know.
Phoenix: no, claymation...

* NFL Playoffs
whose back you got?
me: Elle's butt from Blade Runner: Black Lotus.

* Flo: first of all, why do YOU get the mansion and you don't have to work and you have time to make a baby?
Flo's sister: whatever.
Flo: whatever is so played out. is that a baby or a baby leopardprint? having a phonecase that's diamond-encrusted is SO lazy.
sister: remember what dad said? use your words. shut the fuck up i love you. i don't know what love is.
Flo: but you made a baby. didn't you make love? 
sister: no.
Flo: who's the daddy?
sister: a television writer.

*  Taco Bell
man: we got different definitions of sharing.
woman: when you said you had the chips i thought you were a blue-chip athlete. or you played the stock market online in your den or something. you can divvy em up next time.
man: divvy, that's a stock market term, right?

* fishing son: NO DAD! don't show me the T-Mobile phone video of you and mom fucking under the bleachers at your '80s Under The Sea high school reunion!!!
fishing dad: look.
fishing son: it's worse than i thought! it's not even Whitesnake's best song, "Is This Love".
Tina Turner: ...

* Elton John: i contest that, "Your Song" is a very serious song.
Green Wing car blooper: ...

* Applebees The Regulars
hardware annie: how's your mom?
kids: she's dead. we're building a treehouse in the back to house her soul.
woman: i usually go to a hair salon but i'm at the barbershop today cos I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!
veteran: make that corner nice and tight.
kid: mister when i grow up i'm gonna be in a laser space war.
girl's softball team: yes we lost the World Series but we're still going to Applebees. we'll launder our dirty uniforms thank you very much, no shapewear for us...
homecoming queen: why does the homecoming queen have to wear a trash bag in these times?
convulsing baby: don't worry, i'm just excited to be at Applebees with the kids menu!
saloon barkeep: you're too young for me to serve you a flat beer.
customer: but i got tats!

* Dean Winters: this is NOT a Peloton. my SVU CHARACTER has the MeToo sexual crimes against him not ME...

* TurboTax
woman: i'm already hot but this blue one-piece makes me hotter.
video gamer: can you video-game for a living?
woodsman: i saved the jerky receipts cos i couldn't survive one night out here in the wild without meat... 
blue woman: weird life? that's okay, as long as you aren't a travel blogger we got your taxes...

* Justin Guarini: inbetween takes of doing Lil Sweet i cry my eyes out. just me in the corner bawlin', pay me no mind. i mean at least give me a talk show. sigh, this is our Super Bowl commercial. a little lean on your tv? that's what Simon told me about my cock. mom, you were 20 minutes late picking up the kids? Bernie says school is free. Comcast went to shit the minute they turned into Xfinity. passed the hydrant test? now you can have that chai latte with Rob Ott.

Justin Guarini takes off his headband.
Justin Guarini: this is me talking to you. not Lil Sweet. lie to love, that's the truest thing any philosopher has ever said...

* Bob's Burgers movie: great, i gotta see that, too. my summer's already booked. will Los Movies still be a thing?...

* Verizon: bistro lights not included

* GEICO high-noon duel
cowboy: Daisy's auditioning to be in the "Old Town Road" video. she's eating beans to get into character.

* Silverado
dad: the worst day in a dad's life is that first field trip with his daughter's boyfriend. are you willing to donate your organs for my princess, son? she's gonna be a famous LatinX singer someday. why couldn't this be an episode of The Brothers Garcia?

* Capital One
horse: NEVER dress me in wrapping paper. what are you, stupid?

* Dr Rick
Valentina Garcia: fuck you, Georgia! you wouldn't let me enroll in your school! i don't care that you won something big!

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: you know what i'm gonna say. TACO BELL WINGS!!!!!!!!!! makes sense, they finally combined their franchises...

Wednesday, January 12, 2022


Robin Gregory: you think i don't see the shit in front of me? the shit going on?!!! yes i'm an artisan from Carmel. but NO it's not magic cos it's Carmel, it's magic cos of my fairies. you know what fairies' favorite food is? harira. made with a sprig of Skittles lime to make it back to original. Obec did the right thing banning Clint Eastwood the man with the right stuff from ever being mayor again...

Boris Johnson: drinks? for drinks?!!! we're English we have garden parties!!! with pandoro!!! Alice was NOT invited to my backyard!!! Alice was escorted away by centipede!!!

Doryce: Mardith's not here at the Treehouse. no strange men coming to our door unexpectedly at 2AM banging our knob with food in bags.
Gladyce: but i thought you liked that sort of thing, dear.

M&S Building Supply: Amish lumber, Amish power tools, Masochism & Sado

Hagar the Horrible: why me?
God: why not?
Hagar: i like Biden. he tells long rambling scroll stories the way Vikings do...

Alana Haim: think about it, from the moment the idea is hatched in the head to when the film debuts in theatres, it takes 20 years...20 years...

Takahashi: the only time i eat onion is at In N Out Burger...

Dirg: why do all the grade-school skate punks end up in wine?

R.E.M.: nobody in our band eats Subway...

Nick on the Doctor Who New Year's special: no one knew who i was. i walked on set and nobody had a clue. but i didn't care. i lived my dream. i starred in a fecking Doctor Who episode!!!

Chris Chibnall: i love wordplay.

JD Vance: say what you will about me. but you do NOT touch my art, stranger.

Michael Weiss: the tragedy is you may really be trying to know someone on Instagram but they think you're just spam...

Elle from Blade Runner: Black Lotus: i have a butt.

Martin Scorsese: can you imagine if Taxi Driver made a billion dollars at the box office? 
Jodie Foster: i'd be messed up. MORE messed up. i somehow managed to navigate being a child star...
Martin: why do people like dumb explosions more than art?

Sunday Scaries: not fear of blacking out and not remembering, not fear of not being sober, fear of school on Monday...

The Simpsons staff: it's depressing working on this show now. every Sunday night we scan the evening paper waiting for the next celebrity to die so we can place his name and Simpson-fied character on a black obituary card at episode's end...

Courtney Gains: i just go to horror cons the rest of my life, those are my gains. there is no corn in my teeth...

Ariel Winter: i got healthcare, y'all...

Roman Baths at Somerset: *turning the thermal* only we can get away with green water...

Emma Raducanu: i'm a jock. look i'm scared of dying early. too much too soon. i'm just a jock.
Maiara Walsh: you need to speak with me, dear. we could be sisters...

apple flaps: not the vagina

Laertus: why does Fox News always take ownership of EVERY SINGLE Golden Age Hollywood star when they die?

Joe Pera: the grocery store in the music video to Jane's Addiction's song "Been Caught Stealing", that was the same store i shopped in for my grocery episode.
Betty White: i'm in that Jane's music video, too, dancing.
Laertus's dad: no that's the Pic-N-Save corner mart from my childhood. i stole a bottle of Vanquish from there.
Laertus: i always thought that video ended outside in the night...

Yoda: Hapka is stoic but he can never be as stoic as me. take care of yourself and each other. except my brother.

Doryce and Gladyce: we will NEVER drink Red Bull to fly! no to crone cola!

Rubikon: i would be TERRIFIED if as a kid a cop came to my birthday party with cake...

the captain of her heart: hello. my name is Amal Clooney...

NoizeBoy: you know what i can't resist about you?
Jillian Clare: my power.
NoizeBoy: no your Bert-from-Bert-and-Ernie eyebrows.
Jillian: look man we gotta make this Disneyland pizza better. you can't be a coward about it. no sweet pizza allowed.
NoizeBoy: okay man, fine, no more churros in the pizza dough. what shall we make the crust out of o baker?
Jillian: burnt toast.

Kakashi scrolling an actual scroll made of beige paper: the Smurf monks gave me this scroll to keep track of things. okay let's see here. next on the list. oh this'll be an EASY quest this week! it's just peppermint and thyme! easily available and ready!
Suzy Lu: don't be so sure, babe. Christmas is over, no more peppermint.
Kakashi: let me visit Mrs. Claus again...

but after everything that happened, all the scandal in the snow, Mrs. Claus was not at the North Pole anymore, the divorce happened, she absconded with her peppermint walking cane. she ran way with an elf but that was frowned upon in 47 countries so she remains a fugitive...

Kakashi: an elf blew me for the peppermint. he said my ninja cock reminded him of a curved peppermint cane. 
Suzy Lu: you can't be a coward about it, mate. every man and woman on this green Earth has had their dick sucked. what were you thinking about during the blowjob? me?
Kakashi: no i kept thinking about that LOVELY picture of Mary Elizabeth McGlynn and Steve Blum alone together on a volcano in Hawaii, that picture gives us ALL hope.
Suzy: right, the world is doomed but we always have to remember that this OTP SUPERCOUPLE OF ALL TIME is still in the world!!! living their lives, spreading their anime magic.

Kakashi: as for thyme, i'm pooped after that. time stood still for me there. after a rest i reached my dead father in the underworld. he didn't give me any advice about the Exact Nature of Time, he just wanted me to tell him another damn story by the campfire. my story was called Exact Nature Of Time but it was just a song played on a kanji...

Kakashi: when he wasn't looking i pulled down my dad's pants. that sent such a shock into that outside room it jolted Time back to some semblance of normalicy. Time became the time. the time became normal time. i got it, i got it Now.

Maiara Walsh and Mesay are squatting outside in front of the Ewok Copper Bubble high up in the treehouse high up in the tree in Smurf Forest. all the Ewoks are gathered round. the couple wear matching black jeans with frayed holes at the knees. 
Ewoks: how smurfy!
Mesay: you are too good-looking, Maiara. no i'm serious, i can't look at your face. when i look at your face my face starts shaking.
Maiara: Mesay and i just came back from taking in a film, I Carry You With Me. it was rapturous and romantic and about the sexiest language of them all, Spanish. Spanish is second, Portuguese is primera. Mexican is multitudinous. Portuguese is pretty. we all strive for a love like those two Mexican men. who at one time or another had to hide each other inside their bodies to cross the border.
Mesay: Mai i can't take it, you tempt me when you slap your butt. cos you're slapping a Brazil butt!
Maiara: we invited the Ewoks into our bedroom, our love chamber in there, to witness our lovemaking. because i believe in teaching the universe love. the Ewoks generously offered in recompense glass bottles of their...oh god is this?...this is blue milk, right? not blue cum? like you we have reached the end of the quest and seek new adventure. new roads. we have crossed the rubicon threshold of Blowing Up The Death Star, now what?

Mesay hands Maiara a stick.
Mesay: hold onto the other end of this stick.
the stick flies up into the sky with the two holding was an acrobat's stick...

Mesay: what are your resolutions?
Maiara: yeah now see i have a different definition of time than you. and everyone else. i don't think like that. i don't separate years into 2021 and 2022. goals. objectives. i see time as one continuous throughway...

Maiara: can't be a coward about it, you must see time as a continuous throughway where we're always improving ourselves.........

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Paul Thomas Anderson: oh the lead singer of Hum and i were just hanging out...
Cooper Hoffman: the greatest day of your life is when you meet your future wife.
Alana: who are you referring to here? Kane or Haim?...

Eye: Breaking the Waves and go.
Mitchell Goosen: ...
Lars von Trier: i'm an atheist but it's a miracle this thing got made. i lost interest in it right after we started shooting.
Laertus: yeah see that's the deathknell pun intended. that's the WORST time to lose interest. lose interest before the project gets funded by a ship captain. or AFTER the thing is in post-production sitting in some edit bay in the ocean. but not as the actors are just learning their lines...

Helena Bonham Carter: without me Emily Blunt has no career...
Eye Luggage: yeah that surprised me. why did you turn this down? you're supposed to be the strong goth queen soldier-warrior who cannot be bothered. cannot be fazed. it was just a little nudity.
Helena: yeah but it was Lars nudity.
Adam Sandler: i pray to Fuerza everyday to force serious directors to look directly into my eyes...

Emily Blunt: sorry but i was laughing throughout this while making of. especially when i said the word prick. it's such a dainty childish naive way to say penis. i'm half-laughing as i say it.
Emily: prick.
Eye, holding her belly: *giggling*

Takahashi: oh i love public pay-phones dotting the countryside! phone booths all along the rolling hills. waiting for a public-phone call. waiting for a public phone to ring. 

Stellan Skarsgard: now do you recognize me? no not He-Man. i'm that guy at the end of Nymphomaniac! yeah! the asexual. man that ending was depressing! i coulda been a hero to a very misrepresented community! i was an atheist WAY BEFORE Lars. my ex is named My but i don't own her...
Megan Everett: the vasectomy tho. why? i wanted to have MANY children with you. the sex just isn't the same...
Stellan: sorry, Megan, but Eight Is Enough.

Lars: honestly if it had to be Scotland i really just wanted to do a movie on the origins of golf...

Katrin Cartlidge: we HAVE to talk me now. right? i'm the center stage to this whole endeavor. the whole shebang. this is my coming-out party but it's a TRAGEDY that i didn't live, i was one of the best actors of my generation. i would have been a damn-good director the likes of Paul Thomas Anderson. Paulina!
Stellan: you were a bitch to me on set the whole time.
Katrin: i know, that was my character. 
Stellan: oh right, well in that case then right you were a good actress.
Katrin: i laid out sexy on my own terms. i looked up to the B&W sky. to find God to give my untimely end meaning.
Stellan: sorry, luv, no God.
Takahashi: Katrin, stick your beautiful nose in the spokes of the underbelly of this grey Nintendo cartridge.
Katrin sniffs.
Takahashi: there, now you'll live forever.

Gracie Gold: i'm not a bitch. if i hadn't snapped, if i wasn't snappy with the judges, i wouldn't have gotten myself out of suicidal ideation.

Laertus: i mean at least the psychiatry is more enlightened than the religion. but no shock beds.

Emily: this character is misogynistic.
Lars: no it's just me, remember? everyone misunderstands me. i'm not a misogynist, the self-sacrificing maiden who gives up her agency to help the men, this is the first time i'm writing a female lead...
Emily: i wasn't sure how to portray her, she had a disability? or was she just batty? mental or deeply religious? a bat or a believer? but with this performance i gave this heroine AGENCY. she was her own woman, strong inside. and as you'll see at the end, outside.

Lars: sorry but i like to have a bit of fun in my movies. i'm a jokester on set, prankster in periods. gotta have some comedy. that's why i bash the Calvinist religion, it's too damn serious. i made all religions phallocentric and dumb.

Dirg: that's your first clue: when you're talking to God and you have to do BOTH voices...

Bess: i'm childlike and impish.
Bjork: hey.

Mardith: hey that friend of the groom looks like that guy who was in that episode of Workaholics on Comedy Central...

Dodo: what? my name is Dodo? really? but i'm the sharp tack of this bunch. my dialogue is angry and flows like wine. i don't trust you. she's not right in the head.
Jan: she's stronger than either of us.
Bess: your husband died.
Dodo: i know, that's why i stay on this godforsaken rock of an island. being a nurse. for YOU. 
Stellan: no other man is gonna fuck you if you keep up with the holier-than-thou attitude.
Dodo: holier? but i'm a nurse. a scientist!

Mardith: that scream tho. when she screams at Jan hopping on the helicopter for work, that was a guttural scream. that was a pained shout. that was a visceral yell.
Emily: thank you.
Madame Pons: the relationship is not husband and wife, it's more like a twin flame. except Jan doesn't take it seriously. until it's too late. she simply CANNOT be separated from him.

Laertus: a metaphor for oil destroying the planet? i'm for this.
Lars: you gotta admit that's funny. black humour. i have Stellan in a full body-cast and he looks ridiculous.
Stellan: i didn't mind showing my penis to the world. that penis produced 8 lives. but that body cast STANK to high heaven!

Dodo: why'd you try to kill yourself?
Jan: i was just taking my Flintstone vitamins.
Dodo: we thought we had all had a laugh with that ridiculous wind-up toy and that meant we'd all live.

Madame Pons: that doctor does not belong in this film. the wavy-haired doctor, he belongs on a '70s soap. like Loving.
Dirg: that doctor has a LOT of will power. self-control. 
Mardith: because he actually loves her not lusts her.
Adrian Rawlins: it was easy. in my job i see so many naked bodies during the day i don't need any at night. it's not like i'm gay or anything...

Gladyce: ugh, typical men. firstly the husband who debases his own wife for his own puerile needs. and then all those childish men in those tugboats. 
Doryce: i mean they are longshoremen, what did you expect? 
Eye: at least they don't actually SHOW the rape. just her bruises.
Popeye: leave me out of this...

Dodo: don't listen to your husband! he swallows Flintstones vitamins! he doesn't crush them with a spoon first!

Bess: you cannot love words. you most love another human being, that's the path to God.
Laertus's dad: despite this, son, i accepted your path to becoming a screenwriter...

Eye: ugh, and that mob of children at the end harassing pestering the poor "town whore". just leave her alone, stop bullying her. she's got problems, man, deep problems. and it SUCKS to see a girl in that group. 

church elders: Bess cannot have a funeral. she left behind a too-beautiful corpse.

Laertus: not a fan of the different title cards with the progressive-rock music, it takes the audience out of it, interrupts the somber mood and atmosphere with dancing.
David Bowie: but...
Laertus: nevermind you're right Bowie.
David Bowie: sorry man but my song "Life on Mars" is a better fit for the last scene. it cuts with the landscape. the Scottish countryside is wild and untamed, the craggy hills, the brooks of stream. the muse of Romantic poets and writers. your song...
Elton John: is literally "Your Song".
Bowie: see? your song doesn't fit. the lyrics and everything. just doesn't fit.
Elton John: yeah you're right, Bowie.

Jan: medical technology, aye? it works wonders  i just had to wait to get past the '70s...

Dirg: whoa. those huge mason bells ringing up there in the sky with no strings, floating in the clouds, is creepy. Satanic. freakier than the fox.

Bess: *hits blunt* so what's it all about then. what is my character? what does she do? how does she get over on everyone including God? despite being a "simple" woman. easy. her love is UNBOUND. she will do anything. ANYTHING. to keep her love. we all must do the same. we cannot be poltroons in our own lives, scared to try new things. scared to get out of our comfort zone. there is no dignity only drive. infatuated instinct. there's no one else coming through that door. the poorhouse and divorce court and mortuary on the hill are always right around the corner mart. love is all that matters. sustaining love is all that matters...

Laertus: i learned something this week. i cannot make a movie. you need thousands of people, and thousands of dollars, and thousands of shipping crates of cough syrup to make a movie. even if you follow the stoic rules. you cannot just do a movie using yourself and your Bob Saget camcorder. g'night folks.


Monday, January 10, 2022



Bob Saget is who my dad would have been if he had gone into show business. exactly Bob Saget...

...except my dad would have worn his hair like Vincent from that '80s show Beauty & The Beast. that show taught me romance. real romance. the Beast as the Byronic Hero in a sumptuous blue longcoat doing Hamlet in the sewers every week...

...don't eat the Krispy Kreme mini-Krullers, they taste like dryer lint...

1. first app you check in the morning? Instagram. before i wake up.

2. first kiss location? inside the massive maw-mouth of Monstro the baleen whale from Pinocchio

3. first major purchase over $1000? the Atari 2600. as we all know from those incessant ads we memorized as kids on the asphalt play-yard, this console was advertised as 


but of course with tax it came out to 1000

4. first song choice in the karaoke songbook? that one from Lost In Translation...

5. first internet screenname? Georgeorwellismyhomie1984

6.  first breakup reason? me. i'm crazy.

7. first concert and how old were you? Smashing Pumpkins at the Cow Palace. 30 years old.

8. first crush? Joe Pera i mean Alicia Silverstone like everyone else

BONUS: what was the title of your very first blog post? 


Night Burger, the one that started it all. a tale of night. and burgers. and suicide and hope. lit against the backdrop of those first few twinkle trees you encounter as you jog that New Year's race.  

you can find "Night Burger" right here at this very blog!!!


i have to thank Jules Smith for everything. i was scared to tell stories again but she inspired me. i hadn't written anything of any serious import in 20 years, i was stuck deep down the darkest of black holes in my brainmind. i couldn't move from my bed, trapped was i under wrinkly ocean covers. the spark shall cum and it shall be blonde. i owe her my life, my love, and my career. she instilled happiness luck and fun back in my life. now if only somebody can show me what this joy thing is all about, wink wink...

go to her here, she's a better writer than i could ever be: CLICK HERE FOR JULES

Friday, January 7, 2022




* Novak Djokovic: i had no idea tennis players had lawyers...

* Rafa Nadal: international incident?

* Dan Schneider: all i'm sayin is Amanda Gorman was influenced by me. yeah, she's a big fan of my shows, especially Victorious...

* Gladyce: i get hiccups when i eat thick spaghetti...

* Ciara Bravo: okay.........fine.........i'm jealous of Zendaya.
Challen Cates hands Ciara a glass of red wine.
Challen: dems the breaks in this business, kid. not a political thing. sometimes you get the brake. hey i wanted to play Lucy in Being The Ricardos...

* Smashing Pumpkins "Drum + Fife" music video: so THAT's where Ben Roethlisberger went after retirement...

* Gordon Ramsay: i don't like Byron. i like Keats. i like Shelley.

* "The Captain of Her Heart" music video: our trans hero is in this music video...

* eggcake breasts: bring back Shin Chan as an adult morning anime

* Navi from Legend of Zelda: o bleary dreary day! but a blessed day. i look out on the grey skies and see roads in Obec empty and funereally quiet. no one can afford these houses it seems...

* Doryce: the salsa had gone bad so rapidly by the time it touched my lips it was already christened sacramental altar wine.
Cotard: ...

* The Ashes: coolest name for a sporting event ever

* Black-And-White Carnaval: you're missing it with the name, it's colorful AND societal.

* you're teasing me hard with the Brooklyn-style NYC pizza, Papa Johns. the original flat turtle. or rather the original turtle flat. you know there's no Papa Johns around here. and the only one that IS here only serves to military. you once offered me a jalapeno over the phone...

* Zicam: so THAT's what that ginger Doctor Who Companion is doing now...

* Liminal: wins. wins forever. it's a word that means at either/or end of something, a line, within that end of both the beginning and the end of the line.
Carl Sagan: the start of space. i got that subliminally...

* slowly circling out to Elliott Smith's basement. 
Elliott Smith: my final album was never meant to be a final album, that's why the songs in it are weird, they're not like "last" songs or dirges or dedications, they're just songs.
Fred Gwynne: that's my speaker. imagine Herman Munster as a cop...

* Phoenix: okay you're not gonna believe this but right now at this very moment i'm doing my laundry. like this rackety washing machine. remember kids, washing machines are not meant to flood every time you do the wash...

* Robot Chicken: it wasn't me who humped the washing machine...

* once again, the 2001: A Space Odyssey psychedelic rainbow time-tunnel space-cylinder rebooted for the millennials. which is ironic cos this will take place 1000 years from now...

* if The Weeknd, Jim Carrey, and Space Mountain joined forces...

* oh come on that bowling-pin ten-set was photoshopped on

* Bowling Ball: i'm 10 tons but don't ask a lady about her weight.
Tennis Ball: hi grandma. how old was dad when he started going gray? i'm scared i'm gonna turn into an old hag like you.
Bowling Ball: sonny i won The Great War, what has your generation done?
Tennis Ball: insurrection and TikTok.
Bowling Ball: i love you. your head looks like that Dragon Ball planet. 

* blue man: not part of a group. i'm an influencer that really wants to help you. this is not about money. look, you're gonna die soon, so just DO IT. no not that, do whatever your dream is. time is NOT YOUR FRIEND, but i am. your destiny is tied to my destiny. do you really want to be known as that guy who typed computer keys his whole life?

* Tennis Ball: i can't believe it's another season of SNL already. al i did was eat ridged food. i live to serve not be a computer server. my pink Barbie car doesn't work. those Playmobil men are so rude cos they have round heads. i hate business. i shoulda went to art school not business school. what if i use one more day of pandemic and never go back? but i'd be bored to death...

* Tennis Ball: i don't people-watch. i bird-watch, i'm a lesbian. i read all these hoity-toity literary-journal pamphlets not to appear smart but to be smart. the concept of Nothingness is harder than you think. there's no money in an economy only people. tautology gives you a tight ass. i like muscle cars not cos they're man cars but because they're cars that work...

* blue man: hoarders are cool, they hoard their skills. you need to be ACHIEVING every single second or you're worthless and should die. 
Tennis Ball: this guy has a bad energy but he makes good points, he's like Novak Djokovic. just gotta keep my Penn down and i'll get published. g'night folks. grandma, can i sleep in the library lion's mouth at night? 

* pictured: Maria Sharapova in a quarantine hotel...

* hello. i am customer service. i'm a failed actor. i wanted to work at the UN. i'm sweating under my bra. bring back push-button phones. with cords. my name is Bette, can you tell from the tone of my voice that it's spelled with an e at the end? 

* we all want representative society. but not like this.

* Olmec: sorry. really had high hopes for that reboot. let's do a Global GUTS outside on the moon were the only contestants are unknown youtubers...

* Alan Watts: *in Alan Watts voice* we're too busy as a society. we travel from plane to plane at supersonic speeds so much there's no distance anymore. if there's no journey there's no life. cos life is a journey. what's the point of a destination?

* Thomas Vanz: hello. i am Thomas Vanz. witness Order & Chaos, it's the Star Wars of shorts. it's about the eternal dance, the eternal glory ocean wave the universe is on flowing back and forth between reality and nonreality. only Uyghurs get to experience unreality. with God as a buoy in the middle of the sea swirl black hole. woman you are a mystery, even after 1000 years of marriage. i rented a spaceship the same shade of purple as that guy from The Midnight Gospel in order to understand you. wife, what's your favorite color? my traveling companion is Susan Sarandon. look, the Washington Monument has been spraypainted black by.........artists. and now every country's Washington Monument has turned into a spaceship flying up. the Ten Commandments tablets are ipads now, God has left Earth. the Blue Marble is now Pinhead's head...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: In N Out Burger. cos of omicron, drivethru


Wednesday, January 5, 2022



Jacques Pepin: i use a razorblade but it's to make Crosses in breadloafs.
Kurt Cobain: ...
Jacques: i use bricks but it's not to throw at punks like you, it's to weigh bread down so it gets bathed in vegetable juices.
Kurt: ...
Kurt: i get bricks thrown at me on stage, with the lights out it's less dangerous.
Jacques: lozenges refer to square sandwiches, not Ricola. 
Kurt: i can't eat a sandwich unless it's traingle-cut. with the crusts on.

Preet Chandi: no pole jokes, Dirg.

yoga dip: ice-cream-colored universe

LeVar Burton: the 2022 Rose Parade will feature nudity.

at the Rose Parade the Vaccinate Our World float is mysteriously set on fire...

Denver, the Last Dinosuar: i was discovered by Sasha Grey...
Morton Fizzback: i was played by Frank DiLeo...
Denver: you know why me and the kids all sat around every episode around the breakfast table eating cereal as we hashed out how to solve '80s problems? cos that's what the kids watching us were doing as they watched us, eating cereal.

Wetzel's Pretzels: not Mickey Mouse...

screlt: only Elphaba on Broadway does this.........and maybe Shrek at the Forest Theatre in Obec...

Dirg: women, don't wear dresses, wear pants, so we can see the butt.

Carole King: i'm a queen. on CNN but not Larry. i did "Too Late" first, sorry, Washed Out.

MLIS: a librarian who is allowed to kick the soccer ball down the hallowed halls of the Berkeley library noisily cos the cool lions guarding the place are made of marble so they can't hear

babymoon: i mean both a time away from the baby and intense time with the baby.

Tyzik: the iphone is the new Nintendo Entertainment System...

Jillian Clare: Berkeley Rep, Swept Away, January 9, count me in the boat, i'm going!
Laertus's dad: this is so FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!! that's what i should have done when i was enrolled at Berkeley, i should have done the theatre program at the Rep! but i didn't know what the Rep was! i was too in my head about all the English stuff, the English major stuff, the English Major stuff. think where i'd be now! i would have done one of those beautifully liberal plays once a week! covid or no covid the show must go on! i would have slept on stage! i wouldn't need all this Instagram shit! i would have met Jillian Clare! 
Jillian: Brazilian Bum Bum Cream, i don't need it, just thought i'd show it on Instagram as a laugh. a Betty White raunchy joke. you know, a sweet-song lark.
NoizeBoy: *pointing at Jillian* when you think of her butt, think of her tits.
Jillian: flaunt it, own it, be it.

Tim Kane: if i'm going to investigate the Capitol Riot i have to GET to the Capitol. nice try, I95.

last episode of Young Justice: caffeine pills!!! Saved By The Bell!!!

Soundgarden "My Wave": we were first. then we transitioned to "Keep On Rowing"...just keep going is the theme here...

at the Smurf dungeon: waybread, no way.

at Smurf Village
Cher, holding a gray box: i will never let my hair go gray.........until i become Prophetess Of The World.

Suzy Lu crashes New York Comic Con. like she literally crashes into the NYC building turning it from a skyscraper into a dome.


Suzy: where my youtube viewers at? hey Kak where are all my followers?
Kakashi: they're screaming right now, Suzy Lu. give it a minute, pet.
Suzy: don't they like my grand entrance? i'm atop riding astride astead my pet Nessie loch ness monster! on top of her and i do stress HER tallest scale. the head alone crashed all the stadium windows. getting an S-curve in a cosplay costume is time-consumingly difficult.
Kakashi: yes. so the S looks natural not animatronic.

Kakashi: milady i mean babe i mean milady it's time for me to start my quest, the first two Ricola herbs: ribwort and lady's mantle. elder and marsh mallow don't count cos i always see the old lady who's the elder in our village fake that she's dead, she closes her eyes and never opens them, then winks at you internally. she's always out fishing in a small hole sawed out of the ice perfectly in a circle by Chilly Willy. 

Kakashi: I FOUND THEM!! the first one was easy, my life is full of warts, all the warts, i've done things.
Suzy: it's okay, babe.
Kakashi: so i pulled my own rib out of my body. not with a chakra.
Prince: like i did with my rib.
Kakashi: not to make woman, the woman takes man's rib and makes the first musical instrument, a bone flute.
Suzy: which ends up being slang for penis.

Suzy: and lady's mantle? i think i know this one. come on! it's just slang for vagina?!!!
Kakashi: that's what i thought at first, but then my dead dad talked to me in my ear. he has more experience. i traveled to the North Pole to visit Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus: o what spirit spectre scythe has visited upon me this dayless night?
Kakashi: it is i. i will remove my mask, show you my face, and we will make love in a chimney.
Kakashi removes his mask.
Mrs. Claus: by the Norse Coke gods! curses me i can't see your beautiful face! it's all covered with a snow blizzard, all i see is a Santa beard...

Suzy: let me guess...
Kakashi: yup.
Suzy: cumsicles.

Aaron Rodgers: okay. fine. i shouldn't've hugged Erin Andrews maskless during our socially-distanced interview.........but we fucked on the team bus the night before so what's the big deal?

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again? 
Erin Andrews: socially-distanced does not mean socially awkward.
Christine Ebersole: hi. remember me? from SNL. hello, my name is Lucy Doolittle...

Eye: Licorice Pizza and go.
Paul Thomas Anderson: an average outing. an average opus of mine all things considered.
KQED PBS: we got your back, Pauly! so does AMC on that status-symbol boat!
PTA: i'm not in this for the elite creativity. this is just a way for my wife Maya Rudolph and i to sit around the '70s yellow dingy shaggy rug of our mansion den and talk shop with our kids tots and toddlers. we must be steeped in black-and-white films at all times around the house, stereo-sound. i had to rush it out cos of covid. but at least i got the name right, it was gonna be Soggy Bottom
Doctor Who: in fairness that's a good name for a waterbed store. but this isn't a British film no matter how classy.
Laertus: *bowing* i love your sumptuous noir explorations of Los Angeles, sir.

kid inside Licorice Pizza at Sherman Oaks Galleria mall
manager: what are you doing, kid? why are you taking a white box full of merchandise out of the store?
kid: oh this is a record store? i saw the brown carpet and immediately assumed Orange Julius. so but like isn't this place going out of business soon?...

Alana Haim: i'm suddenly America's Sweetheart, the first one with a Jewish nose.
Dirg: you got a hot butt, i'll give you that. people didn't like this movie cos they thought you were a bitch who needed to be taken down a peg. as for the tits well i can only assume they're sleeper sweater tits cos we don't see them, that scene where you show them is a cop-out.
PTA: why am i directing music videos anyways? aren't i above all that by now?

Laertus: oh god here we go. the controversy. the Asian denigration. look i get it. this is his character, this is something his character would do would say would imitate at that time in this era in that cutthroat city. it's realism. but PTA HAD to know he was stepping in it with these scenes.
PTA: i did. yet i didn't.
Laertus: i mean as you're filming these scenes, as you're PRINTING these scenes, didn't you once go.........yeah maybe not such a good idea for a 2022 audience...

Cooper Hoffman: i was the PERFECT choice!
PTA: yes you were! i felt bad about your father, he was my shining star, my muse, for so many years. so i offer you now this movie as a chance for you to deal and heal. did it heal you?
Cooper: no. i still don't know why my dad did it.
PTA: it's okay, son. let me give you a bear hug. i mean you got your dad's DNA!!! you got the acting chops from him, man!!! you're a natural!!! i asked your dad one time how he was doing.........he talked about the divorce but said he was losing weight...

Sean Penn: was William Holden really this much of a pimp?

Tom Waits: so i'm playing myself?

Bradley Cooper: no relation. this was a trick. they were making it seem like this movie was all about ME. but i have a rather pedestrian glorified cameo. i threaten to kill a kid and hook up with '70s Emma Raducanu.
Madame Pons: sorry but Bradley Cooper can't act. i don't find his French charming.

John Michael Higgins: why do i have such a normal name? i'm gonna be easy to find dammit...

Harriet Sansom Harris: don't let Ebert fool you, I stole this show! 

George DiCaprio: i wasn't a sleazy father to Leo. there were never any waterbeds in the house. i did have a waterbed delivered to Don's Plum per my son's request...

John C Reilly: where's Rob Zombie?

Gary Goetzman: turns out i was a little prick as a kid.
PTA: you still are.

PTA: The Valley, no place like it...

Alana: looks like we got ourselves a real Elliott from E.T. over here.
Cooper: fuck school pictures, meet me at the Tail o' the Cock. let me save you the trouble: tail of the cock cocktail. it's like the Regal Beagle but real. 

Cooper: 2 Cokes. Erik Estrada? what are you doing here?
Erik: call me Ponch. a bar's no place for a kid. unless you're Dana Plato.
Cooper: it's a tavern.

Haim sisters and real mom and dad: we are not jealous of Alana.........we are not jealous of Alana.

Lucy: how DARE you hit my head! you hit it so hard my red hair turned back brown! they said no to Bedknobs & Broomsticks. they said no to Sound of Music. they said no to Peter Pan! so i'm stuck doing this Merv Griffin slop! i eat big boys like you for hamburger dinner!
Cooper: like my father i'm not fat.

Lance: i'm an atheist.
Alana: atheist, Jewish, same thing. we can get married, right poppop?
father: why?
Lance: Vietnam was the last straw, sorry, God. i'm too handsome to reject, i look like a young Sly Stallone and i don't ride a bike. plus my name is Skyler Gisondo, that's the sweetest-sounding name of all time. 
Alana: show me your penis.
Lance: to confirm that i'm circumcised?
Alana: no i just want to see your penis, then i don't have to go through the hassle of dating and going to boring dinners and stuff.

Gary: *smirking* Alana, anal.
Alana: stop, Gary.
Gary: does that get you hot?
Alana: uh, no. i keep forgetting you're 15.

Laertus: everyone has had that heartbreaking scene where you call someone on the phone and don't say anything, you just wait for them to pick up and you start breathing. the girl on the other end doesn't know when the appropriate time to hang up is. your heart aches so much you don't know what to say to her.
Eye: everyone had those experiences during corded-phone times anyway...

Cooper: what's with the waterbed thing tho?
PTA: remember Mattress Man Commercial from Punch Drunk Love? your dad was a classic!

Dirg: why are these two crazy kids so interested in being COOL? as if suddenly being cool was the only thing that mattered in life...

Laertus: so there's this rather whimsical scene here where the two start running, just running, it's not connected to anything in the story. it's like they're running apart from the film, in a symbolic way.
PTA: bingo. there's a lot of running in my films. take Punch Drunk Love, all the running there is replaced with swimming to Hawaii.

Harriet Sansom Harris: do you do topless?
Alana: no.
HSH: but you just said you were in the Israeli Army where you can kill a man by placing a paperclip under his eyelid, you'll be fine if anyone messes with you.

Gary Valentine: i'm running to you again, Alana.
Alana: very Hollywood name by the way. to see if i was hurt?
Cooper: no to see if i can interest you in golf lessons. most married couples met on the golf course.
Alana: i had to learn how to drive a golf cart for this?

Jimmy Carter: don't blame me, it wasn't my fault. everyone thought the world was coming to an end in the 1970s. it's not like it is now but it was kinda like the Bubonic Plague back in the day.

Jon Peters: Barbra Streisand. i'm not stressed. Barbra Stars-In-My-Eyes...

Laertus; yeah now see this is where it goes wonky. the whole long protracted sequence with the driving of the truck backwards, it was just kind of boring, this was meant to be the big action scene in the movie but it just didn't land.
Eye: maybe that truck needed to be blue and tiny and cute and 1-800-GOT-JUNK.
Alana: i learned to drive a truck for this?
Dirg: i did like Gary simulating drinking cum from the gas-can stem against the backdrop of a sunrise, that was kinda cool. 
Bradley Cooper: hey you girls liked King Richard?
Venus and Serena: kinda glossed over the bad stuff dad did...

Cooper: remember, kids, back in the day pinball was like heroin. no not like it was addicting, like it was illegal.

Alana: scram, creep.
loiterer: it's a free country. i'm wearing John Lennon glasses, i'm immune from your criticism. i'm skinny, i can stand anywhere i want. i died for this country in Vietnam, i don't want any gays in my mayorships.

Alana: that's me, a beard in the rain...
Laertus: okay this scene is very well done, the actor who portrays Joel Wachs's secret gay lover is VERY good here, communicating his hurt feelings, i felt his pain, the pain of being invisible, unseen, disregarded, taken for granted, not really loved, a prop, cast off when the goal is reached.
Eye: yes. HE steals the show!
Laertus: hey all boyfriends are dicks huh.
Eye: yes.
Laertus: then why do you put up with us?
Eye, looking lovingly askance at Laertus: cos some of them are at least trying.

PTA: and now the two run TOWARD each other. hey did you miss that right there? that little detail? Alana stands below the arcade-bright-light matinee bulbs-sign and it says OPEN 24 HOURS.
Alana: what are you implying? that i'm a slut? 
PTA: no your LOVE is open 24 hours...

Dirg: it's still weird, right? i mean they kiss and she tells him she loves him but she's still 25 and he's still it's weird, right?  

Laertus: this is very sweet. and stirring. and sunken. and saudade. and nostalgic. the pain of first love. Gary TRULY believes this is the woman he'll marry someday, this is his wife he's looking at. he laughs and scoffs at all her rude jokes, her biting remarks, cos he sees past her front into her soul. he can deal with a little ribbing and humiliation if it means seeing her soft side she doesn't show anyone, seeing her on her other side. it's all roleplay in the end i guess. Gary calls her Alana VALENTINE.

Laertus: i imagine a scene not in the script where Gary becomes so used to having Alana by his side, he's so attached to her, it becomes instinct. whenever he goes to a watering hole, or a waterbed store, he starts his speaking with the phrase

Alana and i

Alana and i were thinking about getting this waterbed

Alana and i would like 2 Cokes, please.

he simply cannot talk with his lips with his mouth any other way. he will start each sentence he says with the word Alana the rest of his days. g'night folks.