ERRANDS: EYES UP

 

Jen R is driving the ladies in her Brady Bunch stationwagon to the Washed Out concert in Duluth.

Jen: ladies, this is phenomenal. when was the last time you were in a carpool?

Liza: school? 

Jackie Fitzgerald, Liza's sister: like 5th Grade?

Judith Light with white hair, Liza and Jackie's mother: maybe freshman-year high school?

Jen: exactly. the '70s. Jimmy Carter wanted everyone to carpool to stave off the energy crisis. 

Jen R: and now we're in a concert carpool. 

Liza: like a quad squad of teenyboppers.

Jackie: faster down the freeway, i'm thinking about Walker, i like the rumbling!!!

Jen: i hope my husband plays "Rain Arp."

Judith: you're lucky you get to bonk the singer. a drummer ripped my bodice off once at The Bowery but, well, nevermind. led to a large court case.

in the middle of "Pigments," Washed Out through tiny purple spotlights asks a redfaced Jen up on stage and the two dance for two seconds.

Jen: it was more purplefaced.

the crowd, the 11 who are there at the intimate private concert in a white warehouse, goes wild as much as they can.

on the drive home Judith Light is puzzled and she's not acting.

Judith Light: what was that?

Jen: Vaporwave.

Judith: so that was music? girls, make a sharp left turn to Sears, i got mama wisdom-dust to sprinkle in your cooches.

Stephen A. Smith: wait, i make 10 times more than a person who PLAYS in the NBA for just TALKING about the NBA?...

Florida in 10 years: football, boxing, and pro wrestling on a barge in a swamp...

Doug Robinson climbing Yosemite: i'm Ernest Hemingway if he was a Muppet.

Jane Goodall: stop using my hand-caressing-the-cheek-of-my-face pose, you're not as environmentalist as me!!!

Norah Jones walks on stage to her VH1 Unplugged concert in a barn's bookstore, not a Barnes bookstore.

Norah Jones: this is just my normal music.

B movie: it doesn't have to be a horror movie...

'70s percolator: had that glass dome on top that looked like the bubble from Trouble.

pop-o-matic: not a drug deal...

Jimmy Carter: why did it have to be Trump for the 250th? it just ruins it. it was cool when i was there for the Bicentennial, we had Allman Brothers and Fannie Flagg FINALLY showed her tits to America!!!

Kurt Cobain: life is a mystery.

Aubrey Plaza: oh shut up.

Robert Plant: i'm the only one who remembered that California will HAUNT you...

Natalie Merchant in the "Carnival" music video: i was disappointed having to photograph the 25-cents peep show...

Bill Nye: we gotta get back to the days of Pangaea if we're gonna save Earth...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: time travel is IMPOSSIBLE. that being said, Back to the Future has no plot holes!!!

Phil Jackson: if Jonathan Frakes did basketball.

Sphinx the cat: when it's a full moon and i'm going through my 4AM zoomies, i sound like a tiny galloping horse...

Gimme a Break: when you do a deep-dive into these episodes, the more you watch them, the more the morbs creep in...

Andy Gibb with a cake: ...

Nell Carter with a sexy full-body heave: i did Godspell, right?...

Bryan Cranston: it's so nice to veg out and play the dad from Malcolm in the Middle again. all that drug stuff fried my brain and warped my empathy. Hal Wilkerson? am i on drugs now?...

at the Sears the ladies are still floating off their concert high with small shrubs of light-green cotton candy.

Judith Light: remember in the '80s when you were watching Who's the Boss and your family drove to Sears in your wood stationwagon to take the family portrait? smiling was the thing back then, the July elf told you to smile, but the elf was all wrong: raise your eyes UP when you take a pic, that's the best posture. you look holy when your eyes are looking up like that, it looks like you're looking at an angel's butthole.

Judith uses the last of the saliva in her wrinkly old beautiful mouth and the last of her strength in her svelte pantsuit arms to seal the envelope on the Santa's Workshop desk which is Norm Abram's giant hand-plane in the summer.

Judith Light: there, i'm sending this photograph of me with my eyes looking up to Washed Out in the mail, he's gonna love it.

 

ERRANDS: TENNIS WITH BULIFANT

 

Joyce Bulifant is playing with Gene Rayburn for the first time at the tennis courts at Cupertino.

Gene Rayburn: what's a matter!!! how are you beating me this badly!!! i played college at Radford.

Joyce Bulifant: i'm beating you 6-1 6-1, breadsticks like your skinny microphone.

Gene waves his wood tennis racquet around like he does his skinny microphone, pirouetting it like a Zorro fencing sabre with the point bending right at Joyce's chest.

Gene: toro. take that, Errol Flynn, you have the skinny stache, i got the skinny mic. whoa wait, i never knew you had anything up there.

Joyce: yeah i got sneaky-big tits, buster.

Joyce demi-voltes which sweeps Gene's leg, he lands on his butt, he's now shorter than the net. 

Gene: i mean think about it: we do our jobs, which is taping a game show, then we have the rest of the afternoon free to play tennis together!!! these are the lives we lead!!! i'm so glad i went into Hollywood instead of becoming a mailman. how are you able to beat me so easily at tennis, little girl?

Charles Nelson Reilly naked wearing nothing but a cowboy hat on court: hey, don't demean the woman. for some reason game show hosts have a lot of power now...

Joyce: i'm wearing my midnight-blue jeans on court...

Doritos: we had to stuff protein in the Doritos because Americans can't be bothered to drink milk anymore!!!

at the Today Show, there are two sofa chairs facing each other: Katie Couric is interviewing Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter.

suddenly Horshack leaps from his sofa chair and exclaims, "i wanted to DANCE, dad!!!"

Horshack then exits the studio to the throng of people with signs milling outside the Today Show on the other side of the glass.

Horshack gathers all these people and forms a LONG conga line down 5th Avenue...

Pete Davidson: the Scottie tattoo is under my ear, i hear my daughter telepathically, we read each other's thoughts, we're close. my ear is a natural baby monitor.

Scottie Pippen: i hear Michael Jordan's thoughts in my nightmares.

Aubrey Plaza: why is everyone saying i should play Android 17?...

Tony Hawk: call me Tony Cobain from now on.

Kurt Cobain: that's my uncle!!!

Tony Hawk: as a tribute.

Michael Jackson: my Bad album, people called it the Bad album as in the bad album...

muni tennis court: grey with red squares, the Shel Silverstein colors.

Shel Silverstein swinging a Playboy tennis racquet: A Clockwork Orange...

Orange Piccolo: ...

James Cagney: it don't matter if you get the electric chair or Hell or anything else, all that matters is whether or not you were yellow.

Batman from Batman: The Animated Series: thank you, now that i've seen your movie, a couple of my episodes make more sense...

System of a Down singing "Chop Suey": Eliason!!!......Eliason!!!......Eliason!!! we're news-bureau people...

Nine Inch Nails: System of a Down is just a bad name, you have to admit.

the Big Sur International Marathon: for foot fetishists.

bumbling stumbling flatfooted cops: are you Jeff? we're looking for a man who puts peanut butter on his surfboard instead of wax.

at Martha Stewart's Earth funeral.

Martha Stewart: that's it, compost me, spread me over the prison i did hard time in, saturate the soil with my seed, it's a good thing. let flowers grow beneath the prisoners' feet, THAT will be my revenge...

Jen R: Shannon Hoon was the male Janis Joplin.

race walking: running at 100 mph while sitting in a chair.

Jaqueline Cristian: i'm Jem if she played tennis. there had to have been a Jem tennis episode in the '80s, right?...

Katy Perry singing "California Gurls": we're unforgettable, Daisy Dukes, spaghetti on toast.

Flo Castleberry: nah, Daisy Dukes are from Texas...

Snoop Dogg: i'm old now so i snuggle up to some zucchini in Palm Springs.

Jen and i are at the chip station.

me: don't double-dip the chip.

Jen R: i was never mindful of that before i started watching Seinfeld, i dipped blindly. the only reason to go to a party is for the chips.

me: so i told my folks that what i wanted to do for the rest of my life was watch adult animation.

Jen: here, try on this birthday hat with the string under the chin, maybe it'll be like a tinfoil hat for you.

Joyce: did you know i was almost Mrs. Brady?

Gene: Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch? but unlike Flo Henderson you fucked your eldest son BEFORE the show started.

Joyce: wipe that goofy grin off your face!!! no, Greg Brady gave me surfing tips, he prepared me for Battle of the Network Stars. Jan Brady prepared me for the football portion.........and can you please not come to the tennis court in a leisure suit?!!!

THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT AT THE LIBRARY: TRY ON GREY SWEATPANTS / NEVER TAKE OFF GREY SWEATPANTS AGAIN

 

Melissa Maker walks into the library at 11:32PM in the grey sweatpants.

Melissa Maker: my mom's been on my butt to remarry.

One Sock: you have a nice butt.........sorry. wait, remarry as in marry again or marry the same person again?

Chad: ...

Melissa: you know how Jewish moms are. 

One Sock: yes, because you are one.

Melissa: look at my leg. i've decided to wear the grey sweatpants. 

One Sock: not your usual '80s hair-band black leather pants. have you given up? are you backing away from life?

Melissa: no, it's just, i'm TIRED, you know? having a kid is the exciting life.

Aubrey Plaza: i once almost married Michael Cera in Vegas before we both got too high.........don't make a joke here...

Michael Cera: it's just, Vegas and people deep in debt who find themselves hanging off skyscraper ledges by their ankles like Vanilla Ice...

Gorillas in the Mist: the perfect PBS movie.

Gorillaz: Gorillaz in the Mist, our upcoming album...

the country: the greatest revenge is to never talk to your Trump-voting friend again...

One Sock: i'm in the cramped dressing room of Mallory from Family Ties. she's about to go on stage for Les Mis in a FLOWERING cream ballroom gown. the mirror is encircled in 1910 lights. it's a forest theater, a stage surrounded by woods.  

Jen R: i see a powder puff on the table.

One Sock: good eye. the powder puff turns into a paper tray of french fries.

Jen R and me: your dream?

One Sock: yeah.

Jen and me: nice.

7-Eleven: home of the pizza with the cuboid pepperoni...

Brooke Trantor: become a filmmaker so you make that ONE movie about your fucked-up hometown. or your dysfunctional family. or the generational trauma of your local priest. or how the system is rigged for health care at the grain mill so it becomes a pill mill. or your cat. it's not about the box office, it's about making that one personal documentary that only YOU can make...

Android 17: it's just weird that i ended up the hero of Dragon Ball Super...

10PM: the time most people have sex. if you're not sleeping.

Jen R: that's when i watch Hawaii Five-O on MeTV. 

the Adam Ant shirt: the Michael Jackson shirt...

a portable blue-flame burner: the SCARIEST thing in the world!!!

Hank Hill camping: ...

UPN on a Tuesday night in the year 2000:

8PM-9PM: Roswell 

9PM-9:30PM: Martin...

Dianna Russini: yes that was 6 years ago but it was during covid so it doesn't count. the last week of April is when bears come out of hibernation, i thought Vrabel was a bear.

Mike Vrabel: Chicago is colder than New England...

Dianna Russini: what's the big deal? i should have married Mike Vrabel from the start, that's all. 

Mike Vrabel: love takes 6 years.

Richard Kiel: why didn't i play Lurch?...

Shiri Appleby: that was not Adam Driver's cum on my tits. okay? this was not Brown Bunny. it was glue.

Kylo Ren: they switched the glue with my cum at the last minute, sorry. HBO wanted realism. this was RIGHT BEFORE MeToo. but i've changed my ways. i no longer believe in The Force. no more exploitation of women for art, i'm Christian now.

Shiri: nice try, Russell Brand. as you can painfully see, unlike porn, women in real life don't enjoy getting cum on them!!!

One Sock: what book are you checking out tonight, lovely lady?

Melissa Maker: How To Get Love, Not Sex.

One Sock: i don't know about that.........i need this book.

THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT AT THE LIBRARY: MAKING OUT IN THE STACKS

 

One Sock: a lady professor and a male undergrad are certainly not the province of only a library at 1AM, but it certainly sets the mood. i'd see the secret couple come in here under cover of night, i mean REALLY of night. the two would fool around between the shelves, use the piles of books as a hill to block their mutual nakedness. pardonne-moi for seeming timid and tame, but i had never heard fuck sounds coming from a library before!!! all that porn that takes place in a library is fake, you know.

One Sock: i mean the thing of it was eventually i'd catch eyes on the lady professor, she'd look back at me, and she wouldn't care that i was watching her make it with her student. ah, the freedom of higher education, when you reach this level you don't care anymore. this dynamic duo was living their best life. and then that dark day, a night similar to this one: my skipper, who's a fly, went downstairs in the book lift and, using her skipper tool, buzzed around clearing the stacks of new books---we want all our books old and moldy so the knowledge is useful---when she spotted the taboo couple having sex, both their shorts down to their ankles. she turned the steel wheel to the left, then to the right, moving the heavy steel stack back and forth.........and the couple was gone!!! never heard from again!!! two bodies, like, they were like two tragic lovers from a Shakespearean scroll caught in the undercarriage of a stack...

Allen Iverson: only you could catch my crossover.

Michael Jordan: because i'm Michael Jordan. i wore UNC blue shorts under my Chicago Bulls jersey because all that red is the devil's stuff.

Allen Iverson: Duke is heavenly blue, too...

Jen R: Dave Gahan is in an Irish Spring commercial. his barrel-chested body is completely naked UNDER the suds of his washing his pecs in a circle. he lifts his left arm and a whole river comes gushing out of his armpit.

me: your dream?

Jen: both meanings.

at the White House, President Clinton with 3 Secret Service agents takes Ted Danson into another room.

President Bill Clinton: what are your intentions with Mary Steenburgen?

Ted Danson: when you said you were good friends with the Clintons, i thought you were lying on a first date to impress me!!!

Mary Steenburgen with a left-eye wink: it's real, baby, it is fucking REAL.

Hillary Clinton: i have nightmares about counting votes...

Ted Danson to the agents: don't rough me up, fellas, i'm not my character from Cheers, i'm not a lech like Sam Malone, i'm celibate like Mulder!!!

Abbot Butt: just rechristen Halley's Comet Bayeux Comet after the tapestry, that's a cool rename.

Brother Peewit: after Bayside where we all went to high school.

Beck: got a Devil's Pancake in my mind...

Rose: where's Christopher Kimball? why'd they cancel us? can you make a blueberry crostata in Antarctica? i am NOT gonna lose my shit over a crostata.

Hawaii without golf: like toast without butter, golf was INVENTED to be played in Hawaii!!!

Cher singing with her tongue: the est hills are alive.........with the sound of music...

white bean soup: eat it before it gets VISCOUS or it'll last until the next Ice Age then the next Medieval times tavern...

Sphinx: when a cat sheds on your tiny desk computer, that's a blessing.

Olive Garden: when you're here, you're family. that doesn't mean your real family. you're eating our Giant Meatball on a desperate first date trying to get yourself a makeshift family...

BOAT: Best Of All Time.

One Sock: after their deaths, which was the couple's death, this was haunting but i remembered, i remember her voice, she spoke to me, yeah i forgot about that, she checked out a book the night before as i was at the counter, she told me the book was How To Let Your College Card Lapse...