ON A BRAKE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT ALL OF IT

 

Walker makes a pit stop to The Treehouse for some eating advice. Gladyce has always been a surrogate grandmother to him.

Gladyce: why the fuck are you so giant?!!!

Walker: must have been something i ate.

Gladyce: see that's the thing, you don't have to eat it all. when you're trying something new, different, foreign to your palate, take a SAMPLE of it, one bite, that's it, throw the rest in the trash. 

Walker: i've been called white garbage.

Gladyce: you don't have to eat the entire TUB of mashed potatoes with chives and sour cream. just the corner. you don't have to finish the entire bottle of that malky Ensure Very Vanilla nauseous milk. just taste the tip.

Jamie Lee Curtis: story of my life.

Jen R: in our dream we're at the corner booth of Burger King.

Gladyce: corner, promising so far.

Billy Corgan: we aren't connected. either get another dream, another Siamese, another wrist that, or i'm gonna have to drop you from my friends list.

me: am i wearing the Burger King paper crown?

Jen: no you have hair, remember? when we get served our two burgers each in the wrapper it's not the savory stacked gourmet char joy of a grilled Burger King hamburger but the NASTY fried mcburgers of McDonald's. our mouths agape AGHAST in disgust.

Gladyce: see? eating leads to disappointment.

Leslie Sbrocco: stick with one peanut-butter-and-sour-cream sandwich each night for dinner.

Ronald McDonald: i mean how can a hamburger be juicy?...

Scrubs: you see how easy it is to just bring back a show for another season? that's what we all want!!! now let's do the same with ER, Seinfeld, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the Robert Stack Unsolved Mysteries...

Spock, Bones, and Kirk camping in Yosemite at the end of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier: we killed God *group laugh*.

Jimmy Fallon shaking the bottle: these pills will cure your cognition and aches. i'm gonna need you to vote for Bill Clinton again...

Rollie Wesen: see it's the same concept.

Gladyce: yeah.

Rollie: this garlic-bread loaf i'm swinging like a lightsaber.

Jen: you do that very well.

me: i don't get it.

Rollie: you're only gonna eat a piece of this loaf once.

Gladyce: then the remaining 7/8 of the loaf will sit on tip of your refrigerator forever...

Dutch Bros: the official coffee of Doesburg...

Amy Poehler on her podcast: cuz we need HELP to live, child.

Charles Nelson Reilly swathed in white Cannon towels: time for me to give Brett Somers her bath.

Brett Somers: my breakfast bath. it's an oatmeal bath that i sometimes eat. have you ever bathed in milk?

Charles Nelson Reilly: it's weird, trust me, honey. those ascots Fred from Scooby-Doo wears are MINE!!! GIVE EM BACK!!! just give them to the nurse, my bedpan's full of soup...

Kurt Cobain on Unplugged: tell me how did you sleep last night...

Jen: very well, thank you. had some wild extensive deep-sleep dreams. that i forgot.

Jen R: do you know how i know i'm your soulmate?

me: how?

Jen: i spell the word remembrance right.

Proust: ...

Miss Piggy: no matter what you're doing in life, you're ALWAYS in pursuit of meeting a handsome man...

the only cool cowboy: the cowboy that points his guitar down like it's a bow-and-arrow...

Red Shoe Diaries: believe in the miracle.

Gladyce: here.

Jackie: thank you for bringing him back. dropping him off like he was in nursery school. i don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. life is boring you see. he's back to regular size, good. truth was we weren't talking when when was a giant.

Gladyce: not communicating?

Jackie: no we weren't seeing eye to eye, he couldn't hear what i was saying...

 

ON A BRAKE: WALKER'S LINE

 

Walker: i love living right next to the highway. it's so convenient. at the first threat of atmospheric river, i'm biking my way down GONE. don't worry, my motorcycle lubes itself on the rainwater. 

Jackie: not even me flicking crunchy edamame off my tits can keep you here with me?

Walker: the giant snowman who lives in the clouds waits for no man. even a giant man like me. sorry babe, fights must be fought or there's no fucking.

Jackie: no fucking after? then a thunderstorm's not romantic anymore...

mixed skeleton: SHE'S SCRAPING LIKE A FATHERFUCKER!!!

Nika Prevc: it's like Vitamin C. Sunny D. i look like Princess Allura's mouse if she were a human girl. the '80s Voltron is the only cartoon they show in Slovenia...

Death: *scythe sigh*

Jung: my dream dictionary is more nuanced than yours.

Freud: ...

Katniss: but i've been accused of cattiness when it was courage...

crumbs: that's the best part!!!

Walker: I NEED BOOTS!!!

Hillary Clinton: Aunt Cork with real power.

Zrek: umbrellas are useless. an umbrella just gives up a hand. unless you're holding the umbrella with JUST your long E.T. finger...

atmospheric river: i arrive right after 7:30AM to RUIN your morning commute...

Fire Horse: don't douse me with the fire hose...

twobob: two-man bobsled.

Sally Jessy Raphael: i had the better glasses. i could find them at Greyhound depots because they were red.

Martina Navratilova: but have you analyzed your dreams where you take yourself out of it?

Walker retreats from the sky battle back to St. Cyril's long blond hair disheveled, still hasn't shorn his stubble, and literally licking his wounds.

Walker: i'm using my long tongue to lick my belly wound. a battle in the clouds goes unseen... 

Father Navin: and why have you found yourself today with me here in this tiny sardine-tin confessional booth? at this church made of stone. why are you kneeling in front of me looking through cheesecloth at my rain-soaked eyes and lips stained from cotton candy. 

Walker: i tried to fight a giant snowman in the sky and lost.

Father Navin: i see.........i knew this day would come, my mother warned me not to believe in things. that's why i purchased a red spongy psychiatrist couch. unfortunately this shit hovel is so small the couch can't fit so no one's getting healed in this space. 

Father Navin: do you know you're tearing the environment to shreds?

Walker: what environment?

Father Navin: you're a giant and hence have a giant motorcycle. the fossil fuels needed to motor that thing alone is a totem smokestack unto itself making the ozone hole bigger than the moon!!! 

Walker: but not the Death Star.

Father Navin: you have SINNED, son. you look like a motorcycle punk, young man. don't be a faggot, say your Hail Marys. how many Hail Marys have you said in your life?

Walker: is that the roller-derby queen?

Father Navin: what are you doing here, man? your lady misses you, she's called me using my private phone number to tell me as much. go to her. you Kurt Cobain wannabe. she wants to give you a sloppy blowjob instead of a kiss. 

 

 

 

ON A BRAKE: BREAST AS CRADLE

 

the mist hits the four corners of the backlawn garden party. faded brown-green in the middle. wrought-iron pretzel chairs, bars, and small raised pub iron circle tables. 

Jen R: is this a THX 1138 mist?

me: no, this mist is friendlier. yet unknown.

i'm beckoned to the side lane of my own house by Jackie.

Jen: the lane with the door and the mat outside. middle space of the dividing fence.

Jackie Fitzgerald: you never noticed my tits like this before, huh. *pointing* look at the community pipes.

the station where all the neighborhood pipes flow into, where the street gets all its water, the pretzel pipes, is frozen solid. it has turned into a snowman.

Jen: holy fuck!!! Walker is 10 feet tall!!!

Walker is indeed a giant, his legs are the only things visible next to petite Jackie. two GIRTHY tree-trunk legs shooting like a fat beanstalk to the pink cloud high above. 

the Library of Alexandria: we were just making space for when Tool would film their music video here...

Boyz n the Hood: the most intense scene was the SAT!!!

Milan: if you don't watch the Olympics, did they happen?

Michael Phelps in a Bud Cort coat: if the Winter Olympics aren't televised, did they happen?

Cortina: ...

Brazil: there is one ski slope.........no wait that's a sandbar...

Brazilian skier: bottoms up, muchacho...

Lucy: I Love Lucy is the perfect show to binge on Valentine's Day, it's that grey heart...

The Winter Olympics: if you complete your run, it's boring. it's only exciting if you FALL, SLIDE, WIPE OUT!!!

3rd Place: small final.

Robert Reich: i don't mean to alarm you but...

Chipotle: NOBODY is clamoring to bring the chicken al pastor back. nobody cares about chicken al pastor...

Scott Galloway: i also do those YouTube videos where i show you how to make a Detroit-style pizza that retains the caramelized crust...

Jordan Catalano: i can't read. as in i can't read the signals Angela is sending me each time she looks at me...

Jordan Catalano: i can't read the room!!!

curling: we turned this into a MASSIVELY IMPORTANT sport that it just wasn't.

curling: it's a lawn game.

Chilly Willy: a frozen lawn game.

Jen Watson from The Weather Channel: i'm the most good-looking lesbian of all time...

Made In America: no matter how hard you close your eyes and pretend, you are inextricably in the global system...

Shaq: i was jealous of Super Mario, he had all his women smelling of plumber-truck water. 

Mario: hey fellas, i'm just a guy here. i came to practice eating my tupperware of Goomba chicken and rice with a little red sauce. i got 20 rebounds a night off brick coins.

Dennis Rodman: Madonna was scared of my green hair.

Walker: the atmospheric rivers, man, the water comes out like a FAUCET in the sky. it's unnatural rain. the rain lubes my cock. do you know how cool it is to hydroplane on a Harley?!!!

Jackie: as you can plainly see, sex with Walker leaves me with an an astronomically good feeling.

me: i'm seeing this now, yes.

Jen: we agree. cloud nine, both meanings. we concur, no more cattiness. as we crane our necks to the clouds. no vanilla sex here.

Walker: babe i gotta go.

Jackie: what the. the fuck?

Walker: well i'm the only one who can fight the giant snowman in the sky to get our water back.

Jackie, sulking: i won't miss you. i'll fuck the mailman.

Jen: but you're the mailman.

Jackie: exactly.

  

THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA THAT NEVER WAS: SPAGHETTI COMBINED

 

Jen R: wait, i recognize that woman under the damp shower cap.

me: the lunch lady? all lunch ladies look the same, it's the dull lighting in all grey school cafeterias.

Jen: no it's Kody Cobain!!!

Kody Cobain: the gig is up. she says spitting a fly out of her mouth. please don't tell my brother i'm here.

Jen: you're the lunchlady?

Kody: i can be incognito here. valued for my food, not my name. but i'm gonna lose my job.

Kurt: how come?

Kody: because i can't make a pasta to save my life. one worthy of the kids. my spaghetti is slipshod with the whites and the reds on top, plain as a grey day.

Kurt: a plain plane. there's gotta be a way to make it spicy.

Mr. Pibb: actually a better-tasting cherry cola than Cherry Float Coke...

James Van Der Beek: well, i'm waiting for Katie Couric to arrive here so we can have that sex dream.

Alfonso Ribeiro: dance with me, Jim, it's all over now!!!

Katie Couric: i think it's time i go back to Today. it's okay for men to cry.........REAL tears...

James Van Der Beek: when i cry it's more like a puppy coughing. i actually looked good in a Wes Anderson mustache...

Bud Cort: i was the Wes Anderson vibe before Wes Anderson...

Dr. Dre: there would be no Dr. Dre without Dr. Seuss.

Rollie Wesen enters Jacques Pepin's house and takes a swing at Jacques's mantel with his baguette.

Rollie Wesen: you French faggot.

Jacques Pepin: come on, man, that was my menagerie. 

Sylvia Plath: you made me cry the same tears TWICE!!!

Jacques: you shattered my tiny little glass mongoose.

Rollie: i don't get it, is mongoose your signature dish?

Jacques: sure, you never heard of mongoose l'orange?

Boyz n the Hood: nuthin' better than this fine-ass movie.

Emma Raducanu: that's it?

Boris Becker: gimme a break, ma'am, i'm a Boris bro, they put me in a tiny jail cell and threw away the key, i had no privacy, my penis shrunk from fear.

ice sprinter: she's bleeding.........time...

Dan Barefoot: skeleton sliders are soldiers, they CRASH into a nice soft foam spongy bed mattress at the end of their run. barefoot and pregnant...

Chloe Kim: as i go through the undulations of a halfpipe, i picture myself being with Myles Garrett, ya feel me, ladies?

Katarina Wittich: witch, yes. but i'm a good witch, you can tell by my white hair. i'm a witch that deals in the nervous system, with the evolution of thought, not cheap spells.

House of Pain: now that the Boston accent is fading, are you able to understand our song "Jump Around" now?...

autism: or on YouTube when you have a dialogue scene where the two characters are played by the same person at the same time...

Jacques Pepin: look, let me show you.

Kody Cobain: oh wow, i got a real casanova in my life for the first time.

Jacques: a casanova MUST have an accent. and be an adventurer NOT in his hometown.

Bud Cort: and wear a Bud Cort coat.

James Van Der Beek: and have James Van Der Beek hair, James.

Kurt Cobain: we need help with the spaghetti, Jerry.

Jacques: right. so instead put ALL the ingredients in a big glass bowl.

Morgan from that cooking cook: notice how all the ingredients are in glass fingerbowls, that's so the home audience can see the food!!!

Kurt: do it for the kids, Pepe!!!

Jacques Pepin: right. high school kids? well combine the dark-green basil leaves from my frontyard garden and the shaved goatsmilk cheese and the honey peppercorn and the sauce, FOLD the sauce into the noodles so you're left with a BIG-ASS BALL, a red spaghetti ball sprinkled with stuck Roman cheese.

Kody: i'm gonna serve THAT BALL at lunch to curry the kids' favor.

kids: we want curry.

Jacques: the only drawback to your snack is your bowls are gonna be messy...

Jacques Pepin: and once again i prove that a Frenchman does Italian cooking better!!!