PRO NOK HOCKEY: THAT WOOD BLOCK IS THE GOALIE?

 

me: i'm a pro Nok Hockey player now.

Jen R: well good for you. ah those Nok Hockey memories, thousands of tabletop boards atop trash cans in an empty grey-carpeted HUGE auditorium on the UCLA campus.

me: summer theatre camp, the '80s. 

Jen: those days are never coming back. but you've somehow hung onto them this way, impressive.

dad: i'm your sports psychologist.

me: DAD?!!! you hung the moon.

dad: for you, literally. i was the architect of the '80s, i am what made the '80s the '80s for you.

me: yes, i only realized this like last year. all that '80s magic was YOU. but you were never a pushy parent, a football dad.

dad: nor a ballet dad for that matter. how are you doing on the circuit?

 

me: i just need a little refresh on the rules and i'm sure the results will follow.

dad: is the middle circle blue or red?

me: that's tricky. when do you put the wood puck on the red circle?

dad: i think it's like when it goes out over there? off the board into the potato salad? the wood block at the top of the Goal Zone mountain is supposed to be the goalie.

me: that blew my mind, i had no idea. i thought it was just the place where you take your thumb and forefinger and shoot that cool squeeze shot with the wood puck banking it into the goal.

dad: the Shocker. i think you mean carroming. my little plastic hockey stick is blue...

Kayce: what kind of name is that for a Yellowstone cowboy? the epitome of a man!!!

All Souls Day: we have to let the Saints have their day BEFORE us, the important people, we're just the nobodies...

a naked Rebecca Lowe and a naked Leslie Sbrocco are at Premier League Fan Fest in Denver.

Rebecca Lowe: you're used to eating food, but i'm eating your cunt.

Leslie Sbrocco: needs wine.

a naked Shorey Wesen: hey i want in on this too!!!

Leslie: PBS babes only.

Rebecca: PBS stands for Premier Brand Soccer...

Billy Corgan: why was "1979" our highest-charting song? we have WAY better songs than "1979"!!! "By Starlight" is a perfect song, not just a perfect wedding song. "Cherub Rock" continually gets a 100 on Guitar Hero. it's just so frustrating.

Morrissey: i'm gonna do a cover of "Monster Mash." all Smiths songs sound like "Monster Mash..."

Pizza My Heart: we deliver.........in a Scooby van...

Walker: Pizza My Heart is where i get ALL my food...

the TRUE Super Mario Bros 2, 1986, Japan: it was more like Super Mario Bros Second Quest.

Little Mario: that leaf windstorm tho!!! and me without my coat. as a full-grown man i'm one foot tall...

Luigi: everyone forgets that this was timed. you only had five minutes to complete a level, you had to HURRY!!! move your fat ass, Mario!!!

Brulee in One Piece: Brett Somers...

Meet the Press: kinda cool how the 3 Roundtable guests all sit at that tiny LOW circular coffee table before they go on air.

Tim Russert: the on-deck circle...

Luke Russert: but why those TINY chairs, dad? they're like chairs from a kindergarten, nobody's adult butt can fit in them.

Tim Russert: not even Twiggy's butt when she was on Meet the Press, i remember my dad interviewing her for Meet the Press...

Bill Parcells: look at me bouncing this football like it's a basketball, that is cool.

women's college soccer: oh yeah, you're watching this...

i'm lying on the couch.

dad: supine, remember when you had to wear a back brace?

me: i blocked that out until just now. 

dad: that's why you didn't go to prom. you're thinking to yourself that you remember seeing that leaf windstorm in the Mario game, you just forgot about it.

me: yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me now!!! i saw that leaf windstorm at Toys R Us!!! the screen was behind glass. the cool neighborhood skateboarder kid was playing as Mario of course, i was always just a watcher.

dad: remember when i told you about that movie about the guy with cancer who was bored at the dinner table because his future wife and new best friend were dumber than he was, they didn't go to college, they couldn't understand his art-history references, he answered every question on Jeopardy right like i did.

me: YES!!! well i finally saw Dying Young. i had to ask you what leukemia was as a kid when you described it to me. 

dad: now we can talk about how it was baffling to all of us how Vincent D'Onofrio never made a play for Julia Roberts. at least Vincent should have told Campbell Scott that he'd be there for Julia after Campbell died, you know?

me: you're a good shrink, dad.

 

 

KURT LODER ON THE CASE: A NESTLECOCK DESERVES A FAMILY, TOO

 

Kurt Loder is interviewing that guy with the ponytail and glasses who writes for Rolling Stone...

guy with ponytail and glasses: so i know people never believe me when i tell them this, but Generation X regards Kurt Cobain as their John Lennon.

Kurt Loder: yeah. may Kurt Cobain continue making records well into the 2020s...

guy with ponytail and glasses: i mean, music forever, right?

guy with ponytail and glasses: you see this black ponytail i have? when this ponytail of mine turns grey, i will do what you do, i'll interview a bunch of people for a PBS special about music that stresses that music belongs to ALL of us. i'll keep wearing these glasses throughout my entire existence. 

Kurt Loder: who?

guy with ponytail and glasses: Emmylou Harris and Herbie Hancock.

Kurt: where?

guy with ponytail and glasses: you know the Severus Snape Castle next to the 7-Eleven in the Bronx?

at the Golden Globes.

Michael Douglas: stick that Golden Globe you just won where the sun don't shine!!!

Julia Roberts: Michael? are you okay? have you ever won a Golden Globe?

Michael Douglas: um, i don't know. does it really even matter? sorry about that, i forget it's the '90s, i have to regulate my five drinks a night with a gram of coke...

Bridget Fonda in Singles: i just want a man who will say "bless you" when i sneeze.

Father Navin carrying pepper: i'm ugly, i look like a leprechaun...

Circus Trix: Trix cereal in the shapes of circus tents, trampolines, bowling pins, flavored cotton-candy, popcorn, and shelled peanut...

Susan Lucci in Lady Mobster: we don't sound like gangsters!!! we sound like a bunch of soap hunks and soap skirts!!!

Christopher Kimball's Milk Street: we still use a printer...

Tejana: we're unsweetened tea yet somehow raspberry-flavored...

Carl Jung on his deathbed: i wish i had been more like Carl Sagan...

lentil soup: i dare you to eat this when it's not Christmas...

Shia LaBeouf: July 28th? come on, the divorce was due to the HEAT of being smackdab in the middle of summer!!! give us another chance, baby, i'll wear black to bed, i promise!!!

Mia Goth: have i ever been goth in a role? surely i played Mrs. Dracula in something...

Cutting Crew "(I Just) Died in Your Arms": the official song of Class of Nuke 'Em High...

Cutting Crew lead singer: i'm not Sting...

Stephanie Jeronymo: will you become a stripper? this is the most important decision we all have to make in our lives...

Kurt is at his therapist's.

Kurt Loder: why did you become a therapist?

Marilyn Manson: it's my way of giving back after all the destruction i caused. i love people. i want to heal the world. i know how young people REALLY feel about life, i want to help them navigate those difficult feelings.

Kurt: old people have real feelings about life, too. and why specifically did you become MY therapist?

Marilyn Manson: that New Radicals guy was spot-on about me. he's more radical than i could ever be. "You Get What You Give" is my all-time favorite song. hell, i saved Paris Jackson from killing herself, why not you?

Kurt: you HAVE saved me!!! i don't need to do this anymore, i'm done with therapy, i'm done with you. job well done. i'm cured. don't worry, i'll get a facelift on my tired face... 

 

KURT LODER ON THE CASE: BECK HANSOM

 

Kurt Loder is at Beck Hansen's sprawling mansion surrounded by palm trees.

Kurt Loder: tropical.

Beck Hansen: thanks, man. are you tired?

Kurt: no i just look that way. 

Kurt: so you see the confusion.

Beck: no worries.

Kurt: i thought it was Beck Hanson, i thought you were the eldest Hanson brother who went off on his own, went solo to do his thing.

Beck: compelling narrative. is Hanson into experimental?

Kurt: i wouldn't know. how do you feel about the "You Get What You Give" lyrics?

Beck: it was a gutcheck. it made me change religions. that New Radicals guy's gonna guest-vocal on my next single.

Kurt: so it seems all is forgiven. this whole thing wasn't a publicity stunt, was it?...

Beck: i'll call you a Hansom cab to pick you up and ferry you the fuck outta here.

Kurt: why? i mean why the Hansom cab?

Beck: just in keeping with my eccentric nature, that's all.

at Hanson's sprawling mansion surrounded by palm trees.

Kurt: i'm not gonna take the tropical bait.

middle Hanson brother: you know the New Radicals song really made me think. here i was thinking this whole time we were doing serious music here, like Nirvana music. turns out everyone thought we belonged on something called Kidz Bop?

Kurt: so you're not the boy from Home Improvement?

middle Hanson brother: no but i did go to Harvard. to study music theory.........for my concept album...

Dying Young: the love story of Michael Stipe and Cher...

Cousin Itt: i always win the Halloween costume contest...

Will Smith: you know the Men In Black dance i do with the alien? that was my tribute to Michael Jackson...

PBS: we're showing the documentary Swamp Buggy Fever because PBS Florida is a thing...

tin trash cans in the '80s: recycling wasn't a thing in the '80s, no brown and green bins. no wood board over the cans to keep the wombats out of the trash, we used iron chains on the trash cans...

Jim Cantore: weatherstripping is not a nude weatherwoman on TV, it's not seeing Jen Carfagno naked in the Weather Channel bathrooms which i did by accident...

Easter Island: we're technically the tropics...

Dying Young.

Campbell Scott: i wanna fuck before i lose to the leukemia. i put out a newspaper want ad seeking an attractive nurse.

Julia Roberts: a newspaper want ad? how quaint.

Campbell: oh and i'm sure YOU think you're just the most beautiful woman who ever walked uphill sidewalks. 

Julia: no, my mouth is weird. when you smile you look deranged. are you the son of a soup scion?

Campbell: a minestrone magnate, yes.

Julia: do you realize that nobody has EVER seen me naked?...

the Match Game 1970s set: the same set where Karen Carpenter sang "Close To You" and "We've Only Just Begun..."

Peg Entwistle: hiking to the H was longer in those days because the sign was HOLLYWOODLAND...

Swami: ...

Peg Entwistle: was Thirteen Women a good motion picture?

Swami Yogadachi: with deepest regrets i predicted this motion picture would be lost to the sands of time like a circus troupe...

Frankie Muniz: my wife told me over breakfast, "you're not the boss of me now." i should listen to my own show!!!

Kurt is at his therapist's.

Kurt Loder: you should have seen me today.

therapist: gangbusters?

Kurt: no it was a total disaster. i couldn't remember any of those guys' names, i got them confused. i should know this stuff, i should be more on the ball. i work for MTV for Jesus sake!!!

therapist: music journalism is a young man's game. what are you, 40 now?

KURT LODER ON THE CASE: I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY

 

Tabitha Soren: i've just come back from the Medical Examiner's Office.

Kurt Loder: yeah.

Tabitha: you look tired, Kurt.

Kurt: that's how i always look, the light left my eyes long ago, my eyes were a New England lighthouse in the 1880s taking crashes of waves on a craggy island, we were all wearing frilly frocks back then. music is the only thing keeping me alive.

 

Tabitha: our bosses at MTV have your new assignment: have you heard of "You Get What You Give"?

Kurt: the New Radicals, unexpected hit song on the radio.

Tabitha: not THAT unexpected, it is catchy. those lyrics tho.

Kurt: yeah, poor Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson.

Tabitha: but that's the thing, everyone focuses on those two and miss the two who were FIRST besmirched in the lyrics: Beck and Hanson. go to Beck and Hanson and see how they're feeling about it.

Tabitha: btw, have you seen Marilyn Manson lately?

Kurt: um, yeah, he's fine.

Tabitha: and Courtney?

Kurt: Courtney Love is consoling Kurt Cobain...

Shaun Alexander: see everyone hates Alabama, but when i joined the Seattle Seahawks i used those Southern skills in the North and suddenly i was cool.

Kurt Cobain: yeah.

James Joyce NOT drunk doing a pubcrawl around Ireland: what's the point of being an Irish writer? you'll never be as good as me...

a mall food court in Downtown Los Angeles in the '80s: parkouring the alleyways in Blade Runner...

pancake syrup: not good warm...

Melissa Maker: like my Friday-night tits with cum on them.

Taco Bell: Mexican Pizza.........Sauce is back!!!

Creepshow: this was a cartoon in the '80s, right? came on after Smurfs. yeah i remember that Creepshow Christmas special...

den: a man cave in the '80s...

Lindy Lenz: my email is lindyl999999999@aol.com.

me: are those Ls? you do this so no creeps can reach you.

Lindy: not necessarily, there are 9 nines...

Jasmine and Connor Cook of Double Take Reacts: we're quickly catching up to Suzy Lu and Steejo. we react to ALL the songs, even the controversial songs. we're not brother and sister doing the dishes together in the same flat.

Steejo: same. people think because i'm a kickboxer i can do the Kakashi ninja moves. but i can't.

Ted Turner: i taught Portuguese kids in the '90s English. my greatest creation was not the Atlanta Braves or CNN. it was Cartoon Network. i was the basis for the captain in Sealab 2021...

Saudi Arabia: we're known for our wall of death.........it's not what you think...

Kurt Loder is at his therapist's.

therapist: how are you surviving this week, Madison?

Kurt: it's Kurt. today was a bad one, doc. more than usual for my hangdog life. did you see SNL this weekend?

therapist: i'm afraid i missed it. i was busy blowing up balloons. is John Belushi still doing his thing over there?

Kurt: they had a skit where they portrayed Link from the Legend of Zelda video games as the biggest weenie in the world, a real nancyboy compared to the macho Italian ladies'-man guy from the GTA 6 game.

therapist: GTA?

Kurt: Grand Theft Auto. those games which rot the young men of America like the music of Korn did.

therapist: gotcha, i remember now. why do the ladies love criminals?

Kurt: because i like the Zelda games, i like solving puzzles, i felt like Link: a woman with big ears and blonde hair. my love interest Princess Zelda looks like my son.

therapist: i see. i'm calling up my fellow therapist Robin Williams right now to see if he can talk to you, help you through these feelings of feeling insignificant. i've been there. 

Kurt: i know i'm a wuss, but this week i felt like a weenus.