AMELIA EARHART FINDING HERSELF: PAPERBACK WINGMAN

 

Amelia Earhart: life on this island has been hard.

Fred Noonan: right. but at least it hasn't been boring, we've had the Gilligan's Island castaways to amuse us. they've been illustrious company.

Amelia: nah, they got boring too real quick. how do you find the Skipper?

Fred: bloke.

Amelia: yeah but he doesn't talk to me, not even to tell me his name. the Professor says women scientists aren't a thing, i need this man to help me see if i have celiac disease or not!!! Mary Ann is trying to get me into porn and Ginger is trying to save my soul with her born-again island religion. Mr. and Mrs. Howell are investing in crypto.

the ghost of Gilligan: i would have talked to you, Ms. Earhart. can i call you Amelia Ace? i like flying. did you know while i was on the island i flew in the sky using just my body by drinking coconut milk? 

Amelia: your islandmates are all party duds, dude.

Fred: quite right, Gilligan my boy.

Amelia: everyone on the island THINKS they know what our relationship is. bunch of sewer gossip. i'm sorry i've dragged your good name through this mud. they've made me out to be a man-hungry trailblazer. they've made you out to be a paperback Harlequin romance flying stud with the wind in your hunk hair.

Fred: i can't be shirtless in nothing but a scarf, it wouldn't be proper. i didn't join the Air Force for my chest muscles, i joined for you.  

Amelia: just know that you will ALWAYS be my navigator in life.

Fred blushes through his cigar and missing-teeth smile.

Night of the Creeps: Weird Science as a B movie...

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?: coulda sworn this was a 1930s Pre-Code movie...

Liv Ullmann: do you get a special bonus if you're a Norse nurse?

Hagar the Horrible with a hypodermic needle instead of a club: ...

Max von Sydow: Norse women nurse me to health faster.

Ingmar Bergman: not me, i prefer Californians. have you heard of Scandinavian syphilis? i claim Ingrid Bergman as my daughter, i don't care!!! i forged the birth certificate.

Zalman King: the upside of an episode. there would have been more Red Shoe Diaries in 2026 if i were still alive. i wrote an episode about a sexy naked light-blue AI woman named Rita...

Space Adventure Cobra: a Japanese man named Jason?...

Basket Case: the monster in the basket should have been a second head that looked exactly like Duane's head...

Duane: i'm a slim dude in jeans with a massive lion's-mane curly fro. i'm a tall skinny white boy. i was in The Who and Humble Pie. i did Godspell and Hair on Broadway at the same time, first-runs before they were popular. i was on TV, too, i did The Electric Company in the '70s. after my career was over i played basketball for the Golden State Warriors in the '80s...

real dads call their daughters "pal"...

Pam Hiltunen: i'm playing the blonde in the Basket Case remake...

Jen Carfagno: i'm wearing a raincoat dress...

the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes cartoon: that one character who's a Ghostbusters reject...

at the International Tennis Hall of Fame.

Roger Federer: what are your thoughts on thots?

Mary Carillo: that's why i went into broadcasting, Rog. are you gonna be a tennis commentator now? are you headed up to the booth?

Roger Federer: no, no one can understand my accent. i'm coaching Nadal's comeback...

Amelia Earhart: i never wanted us to end up this way. i figured with the two of us stuck on this island like this forever with no hope for rescue, the only thing left for me to do was to fuck you, you know?

Fred Noonan: quite right. do you mind if i call you my little brown sugarplum?

Amelia: i prefer freckle fairy.

the two FINALLY get rescued and get off that damn island after 5 seasons and a TV movie... 

AMELIA EARHART FINDING HERSELF: CRABS

 

Amelia Earhart and her navigator Fred Noonan have been stranded on that obscure island for an eternity now.

Fred Noonan: how long has it been?

Amelia Earhart: i stopped counting after six months...or was it six years?...

Fred: the world stopped caring about us long ago...

Amelia: yeah. in the future when radar improves Purdue university is gonna send a team out here thinking a smudge they saw on their radar was our plane. but it's just gonna be THIS coconut tree here.

Fred: are you a witch? what happened to our plane?

Amelia: it was turned to cake by the natives.

natives: we are well-rested. we don't have bones in our noses, we use bones for healing bone broth like everyone else.

Amelia: around the world...

Fred: Around the World?!!! that nasty recess playground game involving the tagging of butts?

Amelia: no, that was what we were gunning for, woman-style. *sigh* oh well. no, dear, you're thinking of hopscotch...

David Bowie: i was even God in God Told Me To, but it was STILL better being David Bowie...

Walker: treat my third leg.

Jackie Fitzgerald: you want me to suck your cock on our windowsill? our poor flowers will get trampled!!!

Walker: just the shaft, not the balls.

Jackie: we're not doing roleplay here, babe. i'm not really a nurse. i'm trying to treat your sprained leg the best i can.

Walker: great Queensryche song. i got this falling off YOUR roof doing roofwork for you.

Jackie getting misty in the eyes: i thought it'd be our roof by now...

Walker: you see how i left my power saw on top of your roof? that was so cool. that was so manly.

Frankie Muniz: the Malcolm in the Middle revival, it was supposed to be a celebration of the show and my good fortune, you know? the good life i had accumulated. "life is unfair," i really need to pay attention to my show's intro song!!!

Space Adventure Cobra: Japanese G.I. Joe...

Kohler: because a smart toilet demands a black evening gown in Downtown sunset...

Manchester City: the #1 thing ordered at a pub is banana pie...

macadamia: no, you're thinking of hazelnut...

Ben Affleck on the subway: if i had done Fargo instead of Argo, i'd still be married to J.Lo...

Kara Swisher: i'm not a WNBA player...

Battle Beyond the Stars: that was not our planned ending, but we ran out of money...

Space Adventure Cobra live-action: Rutger Hauer as Cobra, Selma Blair as Armaroid Lady, Telly Savalas as Crystal Bowie, and as the triplets: Diane Keaton, Jean Harlow, and Cher...

Batman, singing: happy birthday to you, you smell like a zoo...

English football: we were founded by the Freemasons? that explains so much...

Pumpkinhead: that country twang of a Red Shoe Diaries episode...

Stan Winston: why does every horror movie have a boy in pajamas?

Lance Henriksen: you see my face? yeah. the only way i was gonna be a sex symbol was by my body...

Allan Kayser: yeah i always had more the face of a frat boy than the face of a ginger bubba mama's country boy...

Amelia Earhart: you gave me crabs.

Fred Noonan: but we fucked for the first time only last night!!!

Amelia: you were the one who navigated us to this lonely desert isle, i wanted to crash-land in Hawaii!!!

Fred: is that Gilligan's skeleton over there?...

Fred: what do we do about these giant crabs surrounding us on this sandbar? the tide will soon come in and evaporate our sandcastle stronghold.

Amelia: think like Super Mario, man!!! jump on their heads with our combat boots and snort the fire flowers that come out of their bellies.

Fred: i never thought of that...

Amelia: these crabs are just mad because they think we're stealing their coconuts. give them ALL the coconuts on this island. that means cutting down even the coconut tree that was supposed to be our plane!!!

Fred; no, not that coconut tree!!! but that's our only hope!!! will a metal beard-shaver blade suffice as the tree ax?

PRO NOK HOCKEY: MAKING LOVE TO HEAL A BROKEN BODY

 

Jen R: remember how you score a goal?

me: if the wood puck is just BARELY in the goal from the inside of the playing surface, you take your little cute cozy plastic hockey stick, run it adjacent to the goal, slide it, and if the puck moves in ANY way, it's a goal.

Jen does a goalie shot by placing her thumb and forefinger on the wood block with the wood puck against it and WHOOSH it banks into the goal and right into my stomach!!!

i am stunned for seven days.

Jen: sorry. that was actually my lightest Naruto Shocker.

dad: you love hard, never apologize for that. my son is lucky to have you.

Jen: thank you, sir.

me: you knocked me over!!!

Jen: with my love.

me: yes.

dad: you two should make love to heal his stomach, that will go farther than any meal you put in there to fill him, ask any man.

Jen: thank you, sir.

Dana Plato: i could have played D'arcy in the Smashing Pumpkins TV movie!!!

Drake Bell: wanna do a movie together?

Heather Matarazzo: i don't have a choice, i have to now...

Jane Goodall: "our planet is pretty incredible," a sports guy can't say that!!! you know? it has to be someone like me saying that.

Chrystia Freeland: you have a crush on me. and it's not just the tits. you see my face, you hear what i have to say in my dulcet tones. and you want to be a reliable boyfriend for me. Justin Trudeau was my dream.........but he broke my heart when he took up with that unknown American Katy Perry who apparently knows how to make a lot of sheet-pan dinners...

Lindt: enjoy our Bourbon Balls with walnut brownies this Christmas...

Gladyce: wash that glass bottle of spaghetti sauce out with your favorite dish brush, let that dish brush get STAINED with all that red goodness.

fromo: fear of missing the frost...

you can have chips without salsa but you can't have salsa without chips.

Lili Estefan: our 30-year career together, it was much more hard for me to remain SKINNY than for you to remain fat.

Raul De Molina: I ALMOST DIED!!!.........not from being fat, from a car fire on the savanna...

Brett Somers: i won't sell my soul for an old man's gold.

Charles Nelson Reilly: i don't mind being gay, but i couldn't bear it if i was old.

emoji: there's no "I'm sorry" emoji...

Ericka: a Lucky's Supermarkets patch was sewn into my jeans while i was sleeping...

toaster: you've never toasted anything at the 1 setting...

Agony: the British Maude...

Mr. Kotter: NYC in the 1970s? easy. don't shoot junk into your veins. pick your prom date from the fondue party, not the street. play basketball. go to kung-fu movies.

dad: remember, faintly, when i told you about that thing William Shatner was in?

me: yes, it's hazy but it's here.

dad: i want to say William Faulkner so badly but it's William Shatner. but it wasn't Star Trek!!! it was another science-fiction thing, a more obscure thing.

Jen: The Ray Bradbury Theater...

dad: yes!!! and i told you the episode was about how this kid wants to fit in with the other kids but his father, Captain Kirk himself, is afraid of his son getting bullied at the one neighborhood playground, that dirty dingy silver hard-metal playground with the pewter slide and tin swings. broken brown bricks in the back. and how there was an air of simmering melancholy throughout the episode. of people taking long swaths of silent time to think deeply about things. and in the end Will Shat turns into his childhood self: the bullied boy who was trying to save his son from his own fate. the nightmare of a gang of rowdy kids, girls included, with no parents around, giving in to their baser instincts, beating up one hapless boy in shorts with freckles and scraped knees who looked like Opie Taylor, a young Ron Howard. 

me: at this point i thought you had taken too much ginkgo biloba, dad.

Jen: kids can turn mean fast.

 

PRO NOK HOCKEY: MAN IN RICOCHET

 

dad: so how are you finding being a professional Nok Hockey player?

me: i'm good in Los Angeles. when i get to Bahrain my skills falter.

dad: don't slapshot the wood puck at the wood block, you'll never score a goal like that. you gotta use the angles.

dad: wait is this box hockey? the game we played as kids? 

me: kinda.

dad: what's up with the hair?

me: yeah i know. i was trying for something but i just look like a dolt.

dad: a dolt, not an adult.

me: like these big curls here, you see? i grew it out because i was lazy. i was going for the Carlos Alcaraz with his wavy Spanish luxurious locks. but my hair is none of those things.

dad: you look like a wet mouse. you know what this is, right? your hair was my hair when i was a 50-year-old man.

me: yes, that must be it, it's my subconscious tribute to you. after all, these are your hair genes.   

Skye Lee: never has a woman made you feel more guilty about watching porn...

Patti Deutsch: college is going to four colleges in four years, right?...

Avery Schreiber: my entire career was: Doritos. my entire life was a bag of fucking chips!!!

Space Adventure Cobra: same villains as Voltron...

Jem: and the female bounty hunter is me!!!

Luigi: swim your fat ass, Mario!!!

cutting lines: don't cut these lines.........from the script.

Ericka from Lucky: pro hack: place all your items SIDEWAYS in your grocer bag.

Ericka from Lucky: sometimes finally getting chips again is enough to make your week.

Billy Corgan: my audition for David Lynch was my song "My Blue Heaven..."

Selma Blair: i'm not Martina Navratilova...

Gemelli: imagine being the hospital where the pope dies...

new Burger King chicken nuggets: they're just our chicken fries in nugget form...

John Lennon: Don Draper's not a hippie!!! I came up with the "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing" song for Coke!!!

Julia Roberts in Dying Young: "to see if you shit," that was a funny line i had to deliver seriously while crying...

Klimt: kinda cool how this movie ends with tits.

Wolf Blitzer: may her blessing be a memory.........wait...

Fosters Freeze: Sunshine & Happiness.........we're not a cult...

the Fosters Freeze mascot: ...

traffic reporter: our camera NEVER works!!! our camera shot ALWAYS ducks out during the live broadcast!!! i'm getting sick of this fucking shit!!! are we still live?...

Billy Corgan: you know we rock stars never notice what we're wearing on stage. do you remember that Kurt Cobain wore a hot-pink shirt the first time he performed "Smells Like Teen Spirit" live?...

dad: i want you to think back to when we watched Black Books together.

me: you were long dead.

dad: yes but i must have planted the seed of the show into you, described it for you, we were locked into any memory about books or bookshops, especially used bookshops.

me: i do have a vague recollection, a blurry notion. you described the show in an Irish accent.

dad: you must be like Manny in Black Books in life, creature. you see how Manny is always on his toes, jumping around, running from room to room, thinking about the next task he has to accomplish, the next pile of books he has to manhandle. always be moving. always be shooting out of that back curtain.

Bernard Black: emphasis on the first syllable of my first name. did you know my middle name was Ludwig? as in that famous composer, he wrote music books. no, i will NOT do another Britcom, they're too hard. they use two cameras instead of three. six episodes a season? i'll reconsider and do more Black Books ONLY if there's an episode were Tamsin Greig orgasms over ME!!!