MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: CAN THE SMELL OF PIZZA BE TOO MUCH?

 

dad is having a serious conversation with Mary Ann out back on the court.

Mary Ann: Mr. Me i really think your son has what it takes to go pro. I've seen Andre Sgassi change in the Wimbledon dressing room, he's a weeny.

dad: it;s just, I think the kid has a lot going for him, you know?

Mary Snml; yeah that's the thing, he;d have to give up college.

dad: not that he as gonna get into Pirnceton fit=years-free because he was my son, Pr0nceton cove me;gently stopped doing legacy horses after Ryaj Inela got too big after Lovr Ctrpy...

me: I have no shame, I want a free  ride, book or ball.

Disney Crosby walking up too a glacial hospital bedL pit Moracle on ice was when CVandal upset Cataract oca...

Boyz n the Hood: n pot WY was shot evidence and ego the bot or le I  the hood> 

pops: a bot dopensl the dot be a man, a boy need sho mother's. 

RevaL you cute, For IOUs. 

Laurence Fist El totals the intl treason I did Ike rner to your Tina next.

Sheela Bassett: cafe au lait in my 100=story Fowntown L.A. red Dhoe boaters bank SKYSCRAPER...

Gene Rayburn crying frosted tears; skulls called match Game The looney bin.

Jen RL okay we;r EIN your located what;s the big whoop?

Mary Dmm: native anything about the food?

Jen: Melas on reels beige trays: moussaka. Fisn Verizon...

Mary SmmL see? you dontl have to eat it all.

me: Fis wraps I tasty bot okay posting.

jenL it;s not trope kissable unless the eggplant has lamb. got any eggplant sandwiches?

Mary NMLS this is my, oh, roommate.

Halve; see what I did with the CHP AGS o the cnetr I out a chip clip on the ang even when it;s not peens yet. 

kenL saves time. always out a blue clip on he boo ranch Fortis.

Mary Ann: don;Lt eat ALL of this sandpapered ice cream Snapchat that's a huge fish. nip at it, nibble at it like a fish.

Jen: red bean paste? how can red beans taste like raspberry jelly?

Andre Fhgassi: I stole Pete a praise's koi fish. I'm a sad that no one wa especially Las Vegas.

Pete Fajpras: a year later here we're fish as one of the slot symbols.

 Major Lzer: see what we;re ping Earth at the Olupics> we CNA do this at the Un, too!!!

Jack Huge HSL IPM Billy frugal with no ttth.

fully vriganL and hair as I ;aped :Mellon Colie an HR Info toe a esse o ni jinked piano...

Miele rtxuoneL yeah I'm that goi from  anders, Inc....

Ranger ockl in ValskaL Yrocuoit o short for electric abiotic. teoctroc nos out as a 'ps children;s show...

Fyeo beets: you would not use the wo arterial on n natural conversation...

Lizzie McGuore: I had the best dad. he as king, calm, and good because hot brother sexually asphyxiated himself.

Hallie Todd: silent mostly between us as us and and wife base we knew.

kept Varrdinel not a Carrdione  rose, ardor cringe too much...

David varardoen holding a green nprglas bottle;Le of spout auce at so rise: the spirit of King f heals all mental wounds. if you look, o actually was the most DHl host, k ce dike a Shinobi on that stage...

meals on wheels: imagine an RYERNSL RCESS of half=pits and half[oy s of green Clover milk TTA never ends.

Jen RL bot you end a kiln card, I got a hole punch on my pocket...

luggage carousel at an airport l it;s nfonty-symbilshaped, think about it...

Yom Hanks; ...

Kelley osbptuenL I don't look like a dead body I ok like my other everyone had a crush on me when iw as fat!!!

Mike TysoNl Maywrther-Pacquiao rematch in 2026?!!! hat h duck is the point of that?!!! it should be ILLRGSL to Bob of Yu;e over the age of 35...

the ;0s:L ;off as smaller balc then, more entire.

ankhL fps peeved by M Donna on the l;i-s...

Salesforce: what do you were a coye woman with THIUDSDS if he gets in our ace< age tic? 

etckels; CNA only be an Dhento kan woman...

Felix da Hosuevatl Tom & Kerry   house form.

Jonathan Livingston ragukklL o a peg Duong thog that X-ray section...

Evans joins is as we make the perilous cross from Maty Fnn;s place to te cpnrer-mall Little Vrsars for rout ,drat or unch.

a Mazda almost runs us all over.

madame: zoom zoom , you lithely King kids.

RV Amal pizza is worth it, the peeping remind some of k hair. 

e L bot no hair on the piazza, eight?

Fans; no, it comes Ina  cool sleeve. like how i war ku long-s;Lee d plaif gringo short on court.

The Noid in a Litle Crsars toga a,d green visor serves us a the counter. 

The Noil you;ve come on a lucky day!!! w e have Tavern Pizza!!! this izza will make you think you're in mode Al times.........when the protons were SMALL.

RV Amal no I'm sorry y good man, we came here ONA  Kisi on.

jenL yah we gotta honor our tennis teacher.

The Noidl right, Mary Dnn Callie to, who bombed all over this counter ate rt along one bite of out ham pizza.

vamos and Jnl on ham pizza please.

me: do I have to? I can;Lt torn away Medoeval food!!!

 

MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: THE GREY DUPLEX

 

Mary Ann Caliento is my tennis teacher. she has ragged large-curly dirty-blonde hair that's always wet even when dry, a STUBBY core, fat face with freckles, zigzag tube socks and pink vinyl short shorts out on court.

Mary Ann Caliento: i'm Madonna with her natural club hair. i live in a grey duplex overlooking the Encino Hills. the apartment complex is sprawling, i have to make nice with all the new tenants who move into the building because there's only ONE COURT out back.

Jen R in a green visor and puce shorts: this is a COOL tennis court!!! it's grey like those muni courts at the park. 

me in my Bonobo T-shirt: i feel naked. is this the court?

Mary Ann: i feel bad, being a tennis instructor and all, i take up all the time on this court, i really don't let anybody else have it. i hit my landlord in the head with a whizzing 100mph serve.

Jen: tennis ball or pebble?

Mary Ann: at a woman's 100, it makes no difference...

me wearing jeans on court: bald legs. i feel nervous. i don't want to fuck this up.

Mary Ann feeling nauseous: you have what it takes to turn pro.

me: i'm just in high school.

Mary Ann: about that.........i'm 30. drills consist of running in the park and jogging around this duplex as i watch you from my Juliet window on the second story. hit that Kix cereal box on the other side of the net with this purple tennis ball and glowing racquet.

me: this is too strange for me!!!

Catherine O'Hara: a text is MAGICAL, you've really made contact with the person, you know?...

UK: The Andrew Formerly Known As Prince.

Prince: is Andrew going to that prison you guys have over there that looks like Willy Wonka's candy castle? do prisons have elevators?...

Zalman King: okay check out the Red Shoe Diaries episode i wrote "As She Wishes," i came up with the premise for Lost!!! i really was more of a genius than Hollywood who shunned me gave me credit for.

Gladyce: eventually, all food tastes the same.

Red Shoe Diaries: desperation is a lived-in human emotion.

John Singleton: the sex scene in Boyz n the Hood is realistic, you will be fucking while overhead and through your windows LAPD helicopters flying over your roof are flashing their highbeam floodlights on your bed.

get your Game Day snacks!!! at Safeway!!!.........we're assuming the Olympics are your Game Day?... 

Burger King: now how is a hamburger supposed to be melty?...

Isabeau Levito: i'm just here for the skating gala, the REAL competition. i'm wearing my honey Belle ballroom gown on the ice. gonna get me a nice boyfriend with a yacht. ice soccer, think about it...   

Pando: a Tolkien tree in real life...

Pokemon: we have a monster wearing a hockey mask on ice skates, right?

Mike Eruzione: The Miracle on Ice, brought to you by Pokemon!!!

bike polo: it's cool because there's no goalie...

Washed Out: i get it, the grey-green muni Manhattan court. but the bike polo championship match should be played in Portland...

Freud: i'm more of a Jung person.

Jung: and i'm more of a hung person...

Eileen Gu: time to hate me more because on the cover of Hong Kong Vogue i look like Audrey Hepburn...

Sarah Schleper: schlepper, i should have been a cross-country skier.

Alysa Liu: Dorothy Hamill bob my ass. i'm a real one. I'm a real person who has a job stocking shelves when i'm not skating. i'm from Oaktown, man, my hair is a tapioca-mocha parfait pudding cup.

Johannesburg: The Olympics in Africa!!! it could work. put the swimming and track in District 9...

Blake Griffin: i'm not down with NBA "experts."

Stephen A. Smith: ...

Blake: but i like you. because you're a good actor. i learn from you how to do my Red Lobster commercials, act like you're having a head seizure...

LeBron James: is it weird to eat chocolate chip cookies with wine?

Caitlin Clark: no weirder than pizza with wine. i've never had cheese...

Michael Weiss: the Lord will provide us with the next meme...

we have a lesson-mate who lines up with us, a ginger boy with biceps in his tennis shoes and a Morrissey emo curl in his hair called Evans. Evans is only interested in making me do weird wrestling moves.

Jen R: it's not PRO wrestling, dude!!!

Evans: hey look do this: roll your fist into a ball, shoot up to the sky then down to the ground, the Tarzan March, like you're working a stairmaster in La Canada. that's the signature entrance of The Monkey Wrench Boys, i watch WWF on Saturday mornings as i swallow pickles for breakfast.

me: Evans, you are frightening me. being near the hot breath of your face is making me break out in hives. 

Jen: his skin is rashy.

me: i wanna go up to your apartment after practice. 

Jen: don't worry, he doesn't sweat when he plays tennis, he won't need a shower. 

Evans: he's not a hard worker.

Mary Ann: okay but not to my bedroom, only to my Pee-wee's Playhouse black-and-white-racing-flag kitchen countertop for milk and cookies. some peanut-butter-and-mustard sandwiches to fatten your legs. there are things in my hamper i don't want boys seeing.

ON A BRAKE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT ALL OF IT

 

Walker makes a pit stop to The Treehouse for some eating advice. Gladyce has always been a surrogate grandmother to him.

Gladyce: why the fuck are you so giant?!!!

Walker: must have been something i ate.

Gladyce: see that's the thing, you don't have to eat it all. when you're trying something new, different, foreign to your palate, take a SAMPLE of it, one bite, that's it, throw the rest in the trash. 

Walker: i've been called white garbage.

Gladyce: you don't have to eat the entire TUB of mashed potatoes with chives and sour cream. just the corner. you don't have to finish the entire bottle of that malky Ensure Very Vanilla nauseous milk. just taste the tip.

Jamie Lee Curtis: story of my life.

Jen R: in our dream we're at the corner booth of Burger King.

Gladyce: corner, promising so far.

Billy Corgan: we aren't connected. either get another dream, another Siamese, another wrist tat, or i'm gonna have to drop you from my friends list.

me: am i wearing the Burger King paper crown?

Jen: no you have hair, remember? when we get served our two burgers each in the wrapper it's not the savory stacked gourmet char joy of a grilled Burger King hamburger but the NASTY fried mcburgers of McDonald's. our mouths agape AGHAST in disgust.

Gladyce: see? eating leads to disappointment.

Leslie Sbrocco: stick with one peanut-butter-and-sour-cream sandwich each night for dinner.

Ronald McDonald: i mean how can a hamburger be juicy?...

Scrubs: you see how easy it is to just bring back a show for another season? that's what we all want!!! now let's do the same with ER, Seinfeld, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the Robert Stack Unsolved Mysteries...

Spock, Bones, and Kirk camping in Yosemite at the end of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier: we killed God *group laugh*.

Jimmy Fallon shaking the bottle: these pills will cure your cognition and aches. i'm gonna need you to vote for Bill Clinton again...

Rollie Wesen: see it's the same concept.

Gladyce: yeah.

Rollie: this garlic-bread loaf i'm swinging like a lightsaber.

Jen: you do that very well.

me: i don't get it.

Rollie: you're only gonna eat a piece of this loaf once.

Gladyce: then the remaining 7/8 of the loaf will sit on tip of your refrigerator forever...

Dutch Bros: the official coffee of Doesburg...

Amy Poehler on her podcast: cuz we need HELP to live, child.

Charles Nelson Reilly swathed in white Cannon towels: time for me to give Brett Somers her bath.

Brett Somers: my breakfast bath. it's an oatmeal bath that i sometimes eat. have you ever bathed in milk?

Charles Nelson Reilly: it's weird, trust me, honey. those ascots Fred from Scooby-Doo wears are MINE!!! GIVE EM BACK!!! just give them to the nurse, my bedpan's full of soup.

Kurt Cobain on Unplugged: tell me how did you sleep last night...

Jen: very well, thank you. had some wild extensive deep-sleep dreams. that i forgot.

Jen R: do you know how i know i'm your soulmate?

me: how?

Jen: i spell the word remembrance right.

Proust: ...

Miss Piggy: no matter what you're doing in life, you're ALWAYS in pursuit of meeting a handsome man...

the only cool cowboy: the cowboy that points his guitar down like it's a bow-and-arrow...

Red Shoe Diaries: believe in the miracle.

Gladyce: here.

Jackie: thank you for bringing him back. dropping him off like he was in nursery school. i don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. life is boring you see. he's back to regular size, good. truth was we weren't talking when he was a giant.

Gladyce: not communicating?

Jackie: no we weren't seeing eye to eye, he couldn't hear what i was saying...

 

ON A BRAKE: WALKER'S LINE

 

Walker: i love living right next to the highway. it's so convenient. at the first threat of atmospheric river, i'm biking my way down GONE. don't worry, my motorcycle lubes itself on the rainwater. 

Jackie: not even me flicking crunchy edamame off my tits can keep you here with me?

Walker: the giant snowman who lives in the clouds waits for no man. even a giant man like me. sorry babe, fights must be fought or there's no fucking.

Jackie: no fucking after? then a thunderstorm's not romantic anymore...

mixed skeleton: SHE'S SCRAPING LIKE A FATHERFUCKER!!!

Nika Prevc: it's like Vitamin C. Sunny D. i look like Princess Allura's mouse if she were a human girl. the '80s Voltron is the only cartoon they show in Slovenia...

Death: *scythe sigh*

Jung: my dream dictionary is more nuanced than yours.

Freud: ...

Katniss: but i've been accused of cattiness when it was courage...

crumbs: that's the best part!!!

Walker: I NEED BOOTS!!!

Hillary Clinton: Aunt Cork with real power.

Zrek: umbrellas are useless. an umbrella just gives up a hand. unless you're holding the umbrella with JUST your long E.T. finger...

atmospheric river: i arrive right after 7:30AM to RUIN your morning commute...

Fire Horse: don't douse me with the fire hose...

twobob: two-man bobsled.

Sally Jessy Raphael: i had the better glasses. i could find them at Greyhound depots because they were red.

Martina Navratilova: but have you analyzed your dreams where you take yourself out of it?

Walker retreats from the sky battle back to St. Cyril's long blond hair disheveled, still hasn't shorn his stubble, and literally licking his wounds.

Walker: i'm using my long tongue to lick my belly wound. a battle in the clouds goes unseen... 

Father Navin: and why have you found yourself today with me here in this tiny sardine-tin confessional booth? at this church made of stone. why are you kneeling in front of me looking through cheesecloth at my rain-soaked eyes and lips stained from cotton candy. 

Walker: i tried to fight a giant snowman in the sky and lost.

Father Navin: i see.........i knew this day would come, my mother warned me not to believe in things. that's why i purchased a red spongy psychiatrist couch. unfortunately this shit hovel is so small the couch can't fit so no one's getting healed in this space. 

Father Navin: do you know you're tearing the environment to shreds?

Walker: what environment?

Father Navin: you're a giant and hence have a giant motorcycle. the fossil fuels needed to motor that thing alone is a totem smokestack unto itself making the ozone hole bigger than the moon!!! 

Walker: but not the Death Star.

Father Navin: you have SINNED, son. you look like a motorcycle punk, young man. don't be a faggot, say your Hail Marys. how many Hail Marys have you said in your life?

Walker: is that the roller-derby queen?

Father Navin: what are you doing here, man? your lady misses you, she's called me using my private phone number to tell me as much. go to her. you Kurt Cobain wannabe. she wants to give you a sloppy blowjob instead of a kiss.