Monday, October 3, 2022

TMIT: BENATAR BLUES

 



Jennifer Pizarro: wanna eat some pizza with me?
me: pizza with Pizarro? YES PLEASE!!! YES MA'AM!!!

at the Lake Erie fishing tournament.
fishers: we didn't cheat.
Ronald McDonald: then how do you explain that photo of you guys holding your prized caught 100-pound salmon but instead of the salmon you have on your hook 100 boxes of McDonald's Filet-o-Fish in the vintage '80s blue styrofoam?

1. what do you need most right now, a friend or a lover? i need a Bea Arthur. i need to let Bea Arthur know that i thank her for being a friend. a pal. she has been my ONLY confidante through the decades in Florida, i tell her stuff i don't tell my mom. Bea is my bae. Bea is the only one who understands when i tell her there's a difference between BARBECUE Fritos and CHILI CHEESE Fritos, the barbecue Fritos are ULTRA-RARE. some of my best lovers have been friends.........at least BEFORE.

2. what song do you not know the lyrics of but you still like to sing anyway?

Billy Joel "We Didn't Start the Fire"...

3. tell us 3 things you recommend to watch on YouTube:

1. how to watch videos on YouTube
2, how to monetize watching anime on YouTube...
3. the Electronic Gems YouTube channel, trust me

4. which cartoon/animated series do you still watch? ALL OF THEM

which ones do i miss? how about 5 just from Cartoon Network alone: Regular Show, Over the Garden Wall, Chowder, Clarence, Infinity Train

Infinity Train is now lost media...

5. have you conquered one of your fears? what was it?

HELL NO. i'm still blogging, aren't i? i have a fear of gaining followers which is not so good for business...

BONUS: at this point in time would you rather travel or focus on your career?

I SWEAR TO GODDESS i thought that said

would you rather time travel?

and since i will never have a career i'm all-in on the time-traveling. don't worry, i won't disturb anything, i'll leave everything in its right place like the Radiohead song. i just want to travel in time ONE SEMESTER BEFORE and do a little pirate play with Jennifer Pizarro. and get Jennifer Pizarro's Instagram before anyone else does in the early 2000s, like around the year 2001 or so...

 




Friday, September 30, 2022

WHEN IN-N-OUT BURGER WAS ATHEIST


 



notes:

* that's rainbow fentanyl, not Flintstones vitamins...

* Michael Weiss: girls, don't be on Instagram instead of going to college...

* Kurt Cobain: my life was cut short. my life was kurt short. my life was cut kurt...

* Reggie Bush being filmed holding a hamburger: i GUAR-AN-TEE if you call it the Reggie Bag you will sell TRILLIONS of burgers...

* Rubikon: my grandma wants to visit Walt Disney World this weekend...

* Gladyce: just like with the cookies there's no point in having 2 strips of bacon in the morning, just have 1 bacon.
Doryce: that hurts...

* Eilat: a lot

* Hurricane Ian street shark: i'm mightier than a duck...

* house hippo: real. and hungry. real-y hungey.

* smart Europeans: the best time to travel is the last week of September...

* Jim Cantore doing cartwheels.
Florida homeowner: hey Jim, i know hurricanes are AWESOME to you...
Jim Cantore: hurricanes are RAD!!!
Florida homeowner: but to us hurricanes are scary, hurricanes are the unknown. i just lost my house. my retirement house. this is my first hurricane. i moved down here from Canada. i thought Florida was gonna be fun because i grew up watching The Golden Girls...

* Kyla Galer: the condom over my hurricane microphone? the Magnum tip over my weather microphone? i'm dating Milana Vayntrub's secret husband...

* Mountain Mike's Pizza: why do we have our big-screen TVs on all night in the store even though we're closed? the same reason our sauced boneless wings are $50 a pop...

* Tatiana: welcome to Carmel Barre!!! CarmelBarre if you're European. we're yoga in the woods next to a health-food bookstore. get here early cos we only open for one hour in the morning. there are no extra mats, just letting you know now. we still do Pilates, remember Pilates? don't worry, it's not just the brunch crowd, it's not just slim young single husbanded moneyed blonde white women holding Pumpkin Spice Lattes...
Mardith: you really see the hardcorers here, the people who have to work-out BEFORE work...

* Dupixent
father: daughter, with Dupixent you won't have to take steroids anymore.
daughter: but i WILL have to take steroids, dad, pickleball is BLOWING UP, soon there'll be courts all around the world and leagues and million-dollar contracts, i'll need to take steroids to keep being on top...

* Lowe's
woman: why isn't the touchscreen turning on?
Lowe's: don't knock on the glass. 
man: why doesn't MY vacuum slide under the couch like this?
Lowe's: that's not a vacuum, that's a snake...

* Reese's: we're in the same parent company?
KitKat: we better be or this commercial will bankrupt both companies.
mom: what does this neighborhood block all lit up in orange and purple lights look like, boys?
boys: no idea.
mom: HELLO!!! nostalgia? '80s Halloween? do you see the neon Virgin Mary on my lawn?
girl: shoulda been smart, boys, dress up as the thing you want to eat.
boys: dress up as Kelly Ripa?
mom: gotta do better with the costumes, boys, nobody knows what a pirate is anymore. that chainmail is reminding me of...
knight: what?
mom: Sherman Oaks Magic Castle. did you ever ride those miniature Formula One cars, the Malibu Grand Prix?
boys: what did those cars run on? 
mom: it was all electric back then...

* Samuel L. Jackson: heroes don't take the stairs.
man: but i bought a StairMaster online with a credit card i stole from you...

* Progressive replay
wife: you have one challenge flag left so go for it.
husband: actually i don't, i used that challenge flag to cover up the affair i'm having with your grandmother. it's not like that, i'm her kept boy, it's just a money thing...

* Progressive scream
son: i heard you scream, dad.
dad: that was your grandmother...
son: did you know Newton's Third Law isn't real? i learned that today on TikTok.
dad: it IS real, son, Newton's Third Law is about running backs.
son: using that French butter dish is not gonna work, dad, spiders love butter.

* The UPS Store: we're here for all your needs. when you need to cook the books in a hurry...

* Progressive training
Jamie: where's Naruto? oh yeah i'm Naruto.
rookies: is this your parking space?
Jamie: impressive, huh.
rookies: why is it inside an auction-block warehouse?

* GEICO: like our Alien movie? this Alien movie HAS the Ripley sex scene included...


happy weekend, my babies

so i got my car back FINALLY. a nightmare month of Hell without the car. but i still can't get food cos i have no money in the bank. the same bank that repossessed the car. i don't wanna do business with them no more. i have the car but i can't drive it cos i need the license plates and the DMV closes at 1. and the Sheriff's Office is in a forest. i don't have the right screws.........for the license plate, not the backseat. do you have to put a license plate in the FRONT, too?...





Wednesday, September 28, 2022

CHOIR CYRIL: THE CHURCH'S HOT WIND (VALLEY GIRL)


 












Charles III: we gotta slim down the monarchy. a slimmed-down monarchy. and i am the one to implement that. so let's start with the menu i mean diet. from now on everyone in the Royal Household can only eat SlimFast shakes. no more eggs benedict. 
Queen Diana: i...actually approve of this...
Charles: you see what's going on with these monster hurricanes?!!! i TOLD Y'ALL all this WAY before Steve Jobs did!!! but no one listened to me cos i got big ears. if I can listen with these ears the WORLD can!!! William, how are the solar panels on every church roof in the world going?.........where's William?
Harry: he's gone. he abdicated to marry Meghan Markle, who divorced me.
Charles: you know Harry when i say SLIMMED DOWN i'm referring to YOU. you're fat, son.
Harry: that's what happens when you don't care anymore. when you're stripped of your royal rank and uniform.
Charles: that's why you gotta get motivated again, son!! you gotta get on the Peloton!!! not the one in France, the one on top of the roof of the Church of ENGLAND!!!
Harry: PELOTON!!! YAY!!! oh wait, i thought that was something else. something to do with lining up to fight a war...
Charles: get your fat arse on the stationary bike and PEDAL, BITCH. Charlie's in charge now, yeah?
Scott Baio: i'm running for President...
Charles: i gotta toughen you up, Harold. like my dad did with me. my dad let the bullies stretch my ears. when you get done sweating to the oldies i want you to help me use all the water generated by the world's hurricanes to make one scotch egg which i will formally introduce into the British menu...

me: you know, looking back on my life, i am SO SAD i was never able to help out my mom. whenever she needed to go somewhere far away in an emergency i couldn't drive her cos I COULDN'T DRIVE.

Tatiana at her massage parlor: why am i blindfolded? kinky kinky.
Mardith: no it's not like that. i'm spinning you around so you lose direction. i don't want you seeing who's in charge of your massage parlor now.
Tatiana: wait i'm being replaced?
Mardith: the temp temps for the temp. all work in life is temp work. i don't want you seeing her, this woman is INSANELY GOOD-LOOKING, lips and hips and violet-vinyl-leather-pants and everything. i'm afraid she'll come between us, she's gonna steal you from under me.
Tenaya 7 from Power Rangers: you mean like that meme with the Kardashian man in the 4th-grade-Scholastic-book-fair Ferrari who's coming to steal yo girl?
Daria: there were no book faires at Renaissance faires cos there were no books back then...
Mardith: hello, Tenaya 7, you're looking rather ravishing this time period.
Tenaya 7: relax, i do want to be under you cos i want a massage from you. besides, i was just gonna propose a threesome.
Mardith: oh yeah a threesome. i was so blinded by silent jealous rage i didn't even think of that possibility.
Tenaya 7: right?
Tatiana: yeah. i'm in, we're in...

Tenaya 7: you see if i am satisfied sexually i won't destroy the world cos i'm actually one half of a twin pair that is needed to replenish all the planet's resources after a nuclear war that wipes out all the power on the electric-car grid...

Ryan Stiles: are you sure this is how wind energy works? i have to stand outside attached to this wind turbine as it spins me upside-down round-and-around like i'm some scarecrow or something?
Gerry: i mean you really do look like a scarecrow without makeup.
Harrison: i'm too short and stubby to do this.
Laney: i know, you won't impress me by dodging.
Harrison: dammit. story of my life. dodging this and that left and right, not getting the girl.
Laney puts her hand on Harrison's shoulder.
Harrison: that feels oh so good, yeah, your hand smells nice.
Laney: cheer up, Harrison, those skills will one day land you a Frogger
 
Laney: LOOKING GOOD UP THERE RYAN STILES!!! you're practically Christ on the Cross at this point!!!

Tim Tebow genuflecting: i converted to Cyberpunk Christianity. after Kaylee Hartung interviewed me with her hard tongue and glass eye...

Rulon Gardner praying on hay: the biggest star i met was President Bush...

The Chunnel is at the nave.
The Chunnel: a very expensive carwash.
The Chunnel: a very expensive rollercoaster.
The Chunnel: all aboard all Rulons!!! rule on, Rulon!!! rule like Charles III. Rulon is a very cool distinctive name.

Russian Mountains: the first rollercoaster. back when Russia was fun. back when Russia was all about Christmas and The Nutcracker from The Nutcracker and kids in mittens sliding down ice slides outside.

Moscow Metro: the trains arrive on time silently...

Roger Federer: i've fucked on the Glacier Express...

Square Pegs: wannabe American Degrassi

GoBots on the Sunday-school TV screen: we were Transformers mixed with Scooby-Doo and a little Wacky Races and Jonny Quest sprinkled in there for flavor. 
Berwin Berwick: i'm out of Eight-Thousander Pepper.........you can't get pepper on its own, you have to buy the salt twin, too...
Berwin Berwick: R.I.P. Hilaree Nelson.
Michael Jackson: I was one of the GoBots!!! yeah, the one with the long black STRAIGHT hair!!!
NASA: if only NASA was as interesting as the NASA in GoBots...
Matt Hunter: scientists shouldn't buy mansions like that...

Dirg in the church bathroom: that poo i just did in there was so hard my head is spacey now...
Kevin Spacey: ...
Kevin Spacey: you could say it was a holy poo...

Beelzebufo in the holy-water fount: i'm a truly terrifying concept. 
Hypnotoad in the Ark of the Covenant: i know, at least i'm warm and fuzzy.

Hotei: hotel in the mists, in the misty mountains, fishwich in the fog, nor'easter in Nepal, rip current in Rhode Island...

Soup Nazi at coffee and donuts:  NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!
Richard Nixon: ...
Richard Nixon working the church soup kitchen: ...

Hurricane Hermine: that would have been a more exotic name than Ian...

Spencer Grammer: i'm not a legacy hire, i swear. mmmkay? you never heard of me till now. i only did Rick and Morty to get laid. i'm not a sorority sister nor a frat girl. i am a female frat boy. you'll get used to my grating voice eventually. i know, Summer Smith is the most annoying cartoon character of all time, i realize this and i'm sorry.
Helga G. Pataki: at least i did all MY shit for love. and i come from a very prominent New York City family...
Spencer Grammer: were you the O.G.? the original G.?

Ganon: Detroit-style pizza, the fire-burnt crust corners, the fire produced by my nostrils, don't cut corners on the corners of that crust, the triangle, the True Triforce, the REAL next Zelda game. 

quartermaster outside on the church lawn: this lawn is the field of battle. i'm like the quarterback of the army...
ginger Doctor Who Companion: want a quarter hamburger from McDonald's? i ain't bovvered.

Codrus: Harry Monk, hairy monk, not the man, the lifestyle...

Kenyatta in the 6th-Grade classroom with Ms. Krause: i'm a teacher now, Ms. Krause inspired me. why does the Kumon happy-face look so concerned?...

Doryce: don't do a weak shopping at The Store, dear, do a week shopping you haven't done in years...

Hurricane Ian: all the I storms get retired, the eye storms.

Stephanie Abrams: i'm a fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers, what can i say? i love wearing their blue helmets. i like 3 scoops of helmet ice cream. the Dodgers are a LOCK to win the World Series this year...

Jim Cantore:  A CHRISTMAS TREE JUST SMACKED ME IN THE FACE!!! that's it, that's my tree this year!!! thank you, Hurricane Ian, that is very kind, saves me from having to go Christmas shopping this year...
Charlie Brown: ...

Anna Gantt: i'm Anna Gantt, not Anna Gaunt.

MrBeast: i'm running for President. YouTube has made complete nobodies our new world leaders.........is this a good thing for the world?.........history would indicate that it is not and i should probably stop talking.

MrBeast: i mean i was gonna be an anonymous carpenter until YouTube came along and gave me millions of dollars to do nothing. don't worry, it's not a Sign of the Beast thing, i'm a Christian, i'm gonna give away my millions like Robin Hood once i take office...

Rod Laver: you could be a movie star.
Roger Federer: thanks. i directed the Kill Bill pre-sequel Kill Kyrgios which divided audiences.
Rod Laver: yeah that Nick Kyrgios, he could be a good actor, he's got the charm and charisma, but not the work ethic. he's like Shia LaBeouf.
Shia LaBeouf: tis true, i don't work at all. i don't put in the work, i get by on natural acting talent. i got naturals in me. i don't even try anymore.
Kyrgios: what are we doing here? which one am i starring in? The Gods Must Be Crazy for Lifetime? or the Avatar sequel that won't be shown in theaters, the one that'll be canceled to save money.
Roger: who do you look like?
Rod Laver: Lollipop Guild.

Hilma af Klint dancing on the altar: if i had an m in my name like a man i'd be recognized as a genius like Klimt. everyone's a critic. and everyone's a mystic. just by being human and alive you are a mystic...

Eye Luggage: Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind and go. 
Shia LaBeouf: i was in this classic cartoon. i forgot about that.
Dirg: this movie made me nauseous. 
Eye: oh come on, man, this film is a masterpiece of epic proportions.
Dirg: no i meant cos riding on the glider made me seasick.

Hayao Miyazaki: the greatest thing i've ever done in my life was sending Harvey Weinstein a katana...

Alison Lohman: remember me? i'm a mom now, which is much better than being an actress, much more stable, i'm settled. my name sounds like toothpaste...

Nausicaa: okay so the while glider thing. my glider's bitchin', it's awesome, it's rad. so rad in fact that a real Japanese man actually built this glider IN REAL LIFE!!! was it flyable? hell if i know. i hope he didn't crash into any buildings or anything. 
Miyazaki: yeah people on Chinese twitter keep bustin' my balls over when the new Zelda game's getting completed and beta-tested. hell if i know, everyone's confusing me with the Zelda guy!!!
Miyamoto wearing a game-worn Aaron Rodgers jersey: R-E-L-A-X. i wish i had designed sports video games instead. don't worry, it's coming. i make all the entertainments. Zelda's gonna be better than ever. well, Link will be better than ever anyway. Link's glider is gonna be made of metal this time...

Nausicaa: i mean what's up with my clothes? you have me flying my glider and place the camera in a DIRECT UPSKIRT position. it's a good thing i wear stockings when i fly. do you want the public to see my butt? to see my vijayjay? the director told me not to wear panties...
Nausicaa: and why does a girl so young have such big tits?...
Miyazaki: i'm not the director. of those decisions. i just draw.........it was an homage to Kiki's Delivery Service, okay? an innocent homage...

Mardith: is the manga better with the upskirt stuff?
Eye Luggage: i'm scared to look.

Patrick Stewart: i just farted. i pooted. wind, get it? i'm Lord Yupa, the old man with the stylish grandiose wizard-cowboy conical leather hat. i've always wanted to know what i'd look like with a beard.........and a bald head under my hat.
Dirg: you sound like you enjoy slurping yogurt.

Shia: i'm Asbel. kick my ass at the bell...
Mario Lopez: ...

Uma Thurman: i'm Kushana. i'm very jealous and suspicious. i smoke weed. i make for the perfect Lars von Trier female villain...
Lars von Trier: well i'd term it that you are the perfect Lars von Trier heroine...
Uma: Kill Bill should be an adult-swim cartoon...
Uma: i should play Ursula K. Le Guin in the Lifetime movie...

Luke Skywalker: Pejite, where my REAL FATHER's from. notice how i'm always moody? like a teenager. Pejite, home of Hamlet, clay, and LEGOs...

Takahashi: the soundtrack is EARTH ROCK!!! EarthRock progressive rock, lots of pipes and pianos, hobbits and harps, the kind of van-art album-cover vinyl record your dad kept in a grey milk crate in his orange shaggy-rug den in Encino...

Madame Pons: the scenery is so beautiful, so magical, so lush, so dieselpunk. i could carve a million bath bombs out of this scenery.........which is ironic given the movie's anti-war stance.

dieselpunk: when coffee is LITERALLY fuel...

Laertus: the opening here is PROFOUND, this intro shakes at the soul. it presents this vision of a post-apocalyptic Earth, and you really feel the WHOLESALE DESTRUCTION of the human race which was allowed to happen by greedy politicians, demigods, and general money. like, it REALLY HAPPENED and it's frightening and sad. and real and PLAUSIBLE and it wasn't just Putin saber-rattling. and then the poor humans have to start all over, from square one: make new friends, do the invent-fire thing again. hopefully they get it right THIS TIME. the Earth, meanwhile, didn't even notice the humans were gone...

Finn from Adventure Time: i know this place...
Nausicaa: look at THIS VIEW!!! look where we live!!! on an enclave away from the rest of the world!!! blissfully away from civilization!!! we got a wood windmill. we live on an emerald isle, with the wind at our backs, clean energy all around, next to the seawaves, water energy, the ocean our natural barrier from enemies. enemies meaning any MEDDLING PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES WHO DON'T MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS. we could have figured out the toxic-forest thing on our own, we don't need your help, i'm a smart girl!!!

Toxic Jungle: ...
Axl Rose: ...
Toxic Jungle: ironically, we name your human civilization the Urban Jungle...

Toxic Jungle insects: WE WERE HERE FIRST!!! what is a nation? all we want is what all you want: good schools for our kids.

Jesus: "clothed in blue robe, descending onto a golden field," sounds like my Elysium. i just need some blue Jordans, those shoes are not as easy to find as you'd think...

village: why did the foreigners have to come? this isn't an immigration thing, THEY started the wars!!! we were a peaceful village...

Ohm: Nausicaa, do you understand me? understand us?
Nausicaa: yes. i instinctively know your language, another reason that school is useless. i can feel your language, i can taste your language. empaths are easy, senses are sexy. what's with all the sand?
Ohm: we invented yoga in the Middle Ages. that sand doesn't keep time, but it makes a bitchin' sand slide. and it keeps the Days of Our Lives screenwriting bible stored in a safe place...
Nausicaa: your underground cavern here would be a bitchin' place for a Raging Waters.

Kurotowa: if you do not give us your land i'll tow your car. i'm repossessing your village for the first time. a kingdom can't have a princess!!! i'm the only one here with a Japanese name. hey wasn't i in that Smurfs movie also?

Lastelle: princess to princess, don't trust us. don't trust my people. Uma Thurman is a bitch.
Nausicaa: now i know how Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka Trump felt.

Giant Warrior: i'm like that monster that arrived in that combination-locked gold chalice-box space cage who eventually killed Superman...

Nausicaa: the bullroarer, now THAT's a musical instrument. i'm glad my mom made me take bullroarer lessons. the ocarina is a flute. flutes are doorjambs.

Uma Thurman: do not fear us, we come in peace. here are copies of Tolkien to distract you. this is a simple pay-for-protection racket, pure mafia stuff, no big deal.
Nausicaa: joke's on you, you killed my stepfather. Yupa is my real father.
Patrick Stewart: i'm gonna go SEAN CONNERY on your ass!!!

Yupa: what's going on down here? it looks like a college den. NAUSICAA!! i found you!!! why is your head down on this nice oak glass table? are you snorting dandelions again?
Nausicaa: i went to a rager last night. i am drunk as a skunk on a fuck.
Yupa: young lady, i forbid you from drinking a can of White Claw ever again. 
Nausicaa: even for my tiny shoulder-fox here?
shoulder-fox: if this isn't Pokémon i don't know what is. i only bite when my nails are being cut.
Nausicaa: i'm trying to forget my troubles. 
Yupa: you just need to get laid.
Nausicaa: look at the soil down here!!! it's so fresh and so clean!!! see? i told ya jokers!!! the dry desiccated desert above just needs some resodding, that's all.

Captain Picard rubbing his bald chin: resodding, eroding, huh...

Shia LaBeouf: Nausicaa, can i call you Naus? like a bawse.
Nausicaa: no.
Shia: Nausicaa, can we have a sleepover tonight? i promise i won't try anything. i CAN'T try anything, we're sleeping on one big white underground circle with cameras everywhere. it's like an MMA ring. no vegetation here whatsoever, just blank sand.

Nausicaa: the jungle plants thrive under my stewardship, i should be a monk. they're fine, they're just polluted, by the pollution of war...

Uma: how are you able to soothe those ghastly beasts? with a giant can of cockroach bug spray?
Nausicaa: some vanilla hand-cream, a little dab'll do ya.

Nausicaa: i'm sure. as if. don't be grody!!!
Shia: why are you talking like that?
Nausicaa: i'm from the Valley. i'm a Valley girl.
Shia: that's not attractive.
Nausicaa: this makes me MORE attractive to guys. this is flirting in the '80s. look, you said you wanted to have sex with me, right?
Shia: as long as it doesn't go against my religion.
Nausicaa: well here's your chance, big boy!!! hold on, WE'RE BOTH GOING DOWN A QUICKSAND VORTEX HOLE!!! THIS IS WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE!!!

Nausicaa: the bottom plants purify the topsoil above, the water down here is like Zima. i know what it feels like to be a bottom. they're not bugs, they're creatures.

Nausicaa: LISTEN TO ME!!! return the baby Ohm and they will turn different flashing colors, we'll all celebrate with one RAGER of a rave tonight!!!
villagers: what is a party?
insects: gunfire? that's why we have SHELLS, man!!! why do you think our shells evolved for thousands of years? evolution is REAL, man.
Uma: the gold armor i wear has bankrupted my kingdom...

Giant Warrior: I'M MELTING!!! dust to dust, sand in my pants. why did you revive me? i was PEACFULLY DEAD!!! i wasn't AT PEACE but at least i was sleeping. i won't be an effective weapon for you, i come from the Old World. that world which believed the answer was found in a computer. i come with a message from the past: DO NOT CONSUME GNC POWDER, ALL GNC POWDER DOES IS SHRINK YOUR BALLS.

Ohms: was that you, Nausicaa? there's so much rush-hour traffic at this time, sorry. here, suck on these tentacles. it's not what you think, this is wholesome, we're just injecting fluids into you to resuscitate you, get you out of your coma, Vitamin B12, riboflavin, stuff like that...

Nausicaa: wait, the blue was BLOOD?!!! grody!!!

Nausicaa: and deep down underground is the sacred unknown jungle in the stadium-effect hurricane cavern cave, i will not give directions to this place, it's my secret rave space. because as you can see the first NON-TOXIC SPROUT has just popped its little head up through the soil sand. a little sprout something something i like to call MARIJUANA...

me: living in a Medieval-times village was the greatest way to live life as a human. buckets, learn a trade, you knew all your neighbors, marry the blacksmith's daughter, people looked out for each other till death, fresh water from the well, no insects. whether a European Medieval village or a Japanese Medieval village... 

Hayao Miyazaki: why is everybody so dumb? why are people so stupid? this movie was meant to highlight Minamata disease which was a GHASTLY HORRIFIC DISEASE, a painful way for humans to go, to die by your limbs bending the wrong way, moving on their own, getting covered by the nerve agent of black-soot mercury poisoning. succumbing to uncertainty. losing all your motor skills and not knowing who your mother who cares for you 24/7 is anymore. Buddha never wanted ANY human to reincarnate into a fried chicken wing. all of this can be solved if we WORK TOGETHER and stop making everything political. but humans just can't make it work, can they? they need to be right one time. all of this stuff, all these themes, are old as dirt. it was old as dirt IN THE EIGHTIES!!! the Green themes, the Mother Earth themes, the anti-war stuff, saving the environment, better regulations, communion, common sense, using NATURE instead of a CHEMICAL. expedient isn't better than PATIENCE. this is SIMPLE, folks!!! this is NECESSARY, folks!!! the globe is gonna CRACK IN TWO and no one will notice, no one will look up from their screens!!! man this is depressing...

Tom Brady: Hurricane Ian saved my marriage. thank you, Hurricane Ian. good night...
 

 

 





Sunday, September 25, 2022

TMIT: NARUTO AUTUMN

 



1. when was the last time you ____? (now answer your question)

played a Zelda game? it's been ages. it's been the Tree of Ages. the last time was May 12, 2023, when Tears of the Kingdom FINALLY came out...

2. i'm bored, what should i do? YOU'RE bored or I'M bored? either way, let's be bored together. the key is to do things together. how about we do a graphic novel together? i write, you draw.

or better yet, let's do a reboot of that brilliant MTV show Daria. right? i don't get it, they're making new episodes of Beavis and Butt-Head but they don't do the FAR SUPERIOR show Daria. remember that Renaissance Fair episode of Daria? of course you do, everyone remembers that one!!! everyone remembers the theme song about standing on her neck which applies to Ruth Bader Ginsburg as well. everyone remembers how sexy Trent was. not Reznor, Jane's brother, who looked like Trent Reznor. everyone is DYING to see how Daria would react to the Sick Sad World that is 2022!!!!!!!!!

3. who is the smartest person you know? Steve Jobs, cos he's changing things from the other side...

4. are you awesome? funny story. St. Cyril's funny story:

so i'll never forget my 4th Grade teacher at St. Cyril's in Encino. tho i forget her name. but i do remember she was Irish. like 100% bloody Irish with a THICK Irish brogue accent. she spoke in a soft voice but got really ANIMATED when she started talking about Heaven and the Afterlife.

teacher: think about it. Heaven. The Afterlife. Eternity. Forever. Neverending. that is AWESOME.

now back then we wannabe skateboard punks would chuckle when she said that cos the word "awesome" was street slang, you know?

but then she said something that REALLY made us chuckle.

teacher: Heaven. Christ's Redeeming Love. God. belief. never actually dying. continuing on. ghosts. that is RAD.

5. if you could take any reality show off the air which one would it be?

Survivor. from the START that show sucked. because of the way Richard Hatch BULLIED his way to the million. IN THE FIRST SEASON!!! everyone hated Richard Hatch but he still won. it's like when the school bully becomes a CEO or something...

i mean that was not a good omen, not a good sign for the future. Survivor led to the downfall of society. plus i remember that final show coming right around the time as the series finale of Seinfeld which was a FAR SUPERIOR show. that was a very telling year, that was the death knell of good scripted fiction writing and the dawn of vapid reality TV for decades to come...






Friday, September 23, 2022

SAVANNAH GUTHRIE SAYS GOODBYE

 



notes:

* Savannah Guthrie: it's not a creepy crush, i know Roger Federer has a wife and kids, i have a husband and kids...
Ellen DeGeneres: yeah whatever i'm just doing everything in my power to distract America from the fact that i'm mean behind-the-scenes...
Simon Cowell: and a flake. i told you to keep Kelly Clarkson away from me...

* Roger Federer: hey look at that!!! i still got some POP on my serve!!! that immaculate serve of mine with the flawless Leonardo da Vinci hydraulics. what happens in tennis when the ball goes THROUGH the net?...

* Emma Watson: i am a paradox. more broadly, love is a paradox. like my earrings? my earrings show you that i've played the REAL next Zelda game before anyone else on Earth. i'm not into scuba-diving but i do it cos the wetsuit makes my butt look GOOD. that's not some Illuminati triangle-tower in the Amazon Forest i'm meditating on, it can't be, the Amazon Forest is gone, the Amazon Forest turned to stone. it's just my Miyazaki glider...

* Ime Udoka: call me what you will but EVERY SINGLE rapper and NBA player wanted Nia Long in the '90s and i was the one who actually GOT her.

* Scott Bakula: the United States Space Force anthem.........this is why the Quantum Leap reboot will fail...

* Frances Tiafoe: i bombed at Federer.........but i bombed at Nadal, too, so i was fair.

* Tatiana: sometic is the first stage of the lucid dream. avoid getting too far out from yourself and entering the somestic stage, you don't want to end up a domestic again in life...

* Doryce: SURPRISE!!! as promised, i made you an avocado chocolate mousse!!!
Gladyce: thank you, dear, i love you.........honestly i don't taste the avocado in here AT ALL.

* Dampfnudel: the wet spot on the beer stein after sex in the beer hall...

* Edisto Island: where the lightbulb was invented...

* Goku: i don't need to become God, i'm Goku.

* MBC and King Charles III: Laureles Grade's grade gets an A+ cos it's Mount Olympus...

* Iranian women: we need another Iranian Revolution of 1979 except IN TOTAL REVERSE. we gotta get back to Secular Hedonistic Iran.
Codrus: secular, not timeless.
Cotard: secular, not based on a monastic sect, glorious.

* MODY: better not be moldy!!!

* Reilly Opelka: LOOK HOW FREAKING TALL I AM!!! i look like a real-life Muppet but i mean that as a compliment. like Jim Henson sewed me with fabric himself.

* Etta James: security is more important than love. stability is more important than love.

* Macy's: the TA-DA MOMENT comes when we charge you invisible fees on your credit card and repossess your car...

* Lily from AT&T: they're making me wear this blue blazer business jacket...
LeBron James: jacket, get it?
Lily: teeheehee, that's funny.........hahahahahah, that is HILARIOUS!!! *breathing through her ears* hahahahahahha
LeBron: you laugh mischievously in a rasp like Muttley.

* Reggie Bush: no i don't care about the pretzel bun, i care about other buns. do you have the sex tape Kim Kardashian and i made? there's only one copy, on a VHS cassette...

* Apple Watch Series 8
Mardith: *sighs internally AHD externally* this watch measures your ovulation and incudes a free download of The Handmaid's Tale
Laertus: it also measures your REM sleep when you want this nightmare society we live in to be all a dream...

* T-Mobile iPhone 14 Pro and Apple TV+: this is not an ad for that horror movie Smile...

* Heisman House
Tim Tebow: i was the only sophomore to ever win the Heisman. no sophomore jinx for me in the NFL. my face is on the plates and dishes here like Obama on your mantle.
Baker Mayfield: i've done more commercials than Samuel L. Jackson...

* Apple: why didn't we ever fold our phones like Samsung does?
Steve Jobs: i was thinking about doing that right before i died. you see i was really into my waffle-maker...
me: for the record, therapy would be more fun if the psychiatry couch FOLDED UP like that and crushed its patients...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: those Royal Chicken Sandwiches from Burger King of course, i'm still knee-deep and curtsy-deep in The Queen's funeral.........wait.........oh yeah i keep forgetting.........i don't have a car anymore.........cos i got carjacked





Wednesday, September 21, 2022

CHOIR CYRIL: THE DMV DESTROYED MY LIFE (WALK TO MCDONALD'S)


 



















Laney: the most iconic McDonald's in the entire world is the Encino McDonald's, the McDonald's right next to our beloved St. Cyril's church.
Gerry: a block away.
Harrison: LITERALLY walking distance.
Ryan Stiles: i ate my boots. i'm very poor paying to come to this choir.
Laney: that's good, Ryan, everyone should wear sneakers for this.
Harrison: wait, we're WALKING? nobody here has a car?
Gerry: i have a '70s space coaster.
Ryan: i travel on my imagination.
Laney: i have a cute pink Miata but that's not the point. we gotta get as ICONIC as our hometown namesake McDonald's.

Laney: we have to match the grandeur of the moment, everyone feels it. everyone finishes Church at 11 and are STARVING on a Sunday, they all race out to McDonald's. on wheels. WE will be the ones who form a picture of a thousand words by walking the street Beatles-style the four of us in a line. on a lane. on the cross-street to Ventura Blvd. which is aptly named Abbey Road for Father Navin. the boulevard of dreams and safety zones. 
Queen Diana: a queue.
Laney: i'll lead and the three stooges here will follow me in back.
Ryan: in back of the train.
Laney: spaced apart evenly like so. it's PERFECT cos it's RAINING outside right now, that'll make the photo even more EPIC. we slowly in our shoes pace to the McDonald's after the four of us have sung our HEARTS out and have built up quite the APPETITE for Big Macs. Big Macs which we will share together as a family after an honest sunny day's work.

Ryan: and i'll be the goofy straggler at the end who has to run to catch up. then i'll start walking backwards.........cos i'm so hungry i can't think straight much less sing straight. much less song straight.

the four do just that, and AMAZINGLY, none of the traffic runs them over on that slippery road. it's magic, or perhaps it's faith.

Shia LaBeouf: hey Father, why is your car the DeLorean?
Father Navin: not just the DeLorean, young squire, the one that's a car AND a time machine. oh, you know, rich Encino donors liking the job i'm doing making sure they go to Heaven when they die.
Shia: isn't it a little garish?
Father Navin: yeah it is. it's just weird when a priest has a garage. i'm getting the word down from Rome that i need to stop my pleasure-seeking lifestyle. i need to cut back on the dinners at the steakhouses at night on a Saturday. i'm looking at too many scantily clad waitresses for the Pope's liking.
The Pope: i'm just jealous.

Tatiana: i temp at Tenaya Stone Spa now. at Disneyland California Adventure. this entire spirit sanctuary is the color brown. the cool shade of calming brown, not the other brown. Tatiana, Tenaya, it fits, huh.
Mardith: yeah. can you give me a footjob while i wait for my blowjob?
Sarah Ferguson: my toes tasted like royal jelly.
Father Navin in a brown robe and brown bunny slippers: luxurious, i like this place. i love the stained glass here, very churchy. all this brown is pleasing my mom, she always wanted me to become a monk instead.

Tatiana assumes her first customer and lays him all four feet down on the backwards table and stretches his legs. 
Tatiana: DAMN you are TENSE.
she applies four hot rocks along his nude spine. she caresses his naked face which spits in her face on reflex. 
Eeyore: bitch those spirit stones are TOO HOT!!! are you trying to send me to HELL?!!! 
Tatiana: sorry, i was just stretching out your fifth leg here.
Eeyore: THAT'S MY TAIL!!! YOU PULLED MY TAIL OFF MY BODY!!! woman, now i'm REALLY depressed. now the only work i'll be able to find is at kids' birthday parties.
Tatiana: sorry but i really thought that was your fifth leg. you know, your donkey penis?

Lorne Michaels: on SNL we have the DARNDEST time trying to close doors during skits...

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: i brought my paella pan, my paellera, to Subway because Subway doesn't have paella. Subway the sandwich place, the sub hub. too many peppers in the cheesesteak...

Queen Elizabeth II: that RBG and i have much in common. LOOK AT THE LINES!!! my funeral has turned into a festival!!! they set up Jersey barriers---from Jersey, England, not New Jersey---and extra metal grating, creating artificial queue containers like they do at Disneyland.

Travel Lavender: we're an indie folk-rock band from Portland, Oregon. Portland=Poetland. we opened for Bratmobile when they played the first riot grrrl song ever, "Love Thing".

Mars: i am Earth's future.........as in i am the desert planet Earth will one day become...

Queen Elizabeth II: you can call me queenie now. oh how i wish i could have experienced Operation London Bridge whilst riding a unicorn.

Gladyce: avocados. don't get me started on avocados. i tried to buy them at The Store. they just don't turn out like Subway avocados. i picked out and chose an avocado from The Store that sparkled from having a skin covered in stars. i thought it was magic. turned out it was rotten and brown and on the discount wheelbarrow. the Subway avocado is slippery and sublime and tastes like artichoke. Subway's avocados use your tongue as a slide. the Subway avocado goes smooth down your throat. that's why it's one dollar extra...

Father Navin's TV: get ready for the Teen Titans Go Marathon!!! a different episode EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, no repeats!!!

Tori Amos at the church organ, the pipe organ AND the small synthesizer: the "Hey Jupiter" music video, i'm trying to stifle my laughter as the little girl is bouncing up and down in the back of the cab with me. it's supposed to be all serious with the fire all around the flames consuming me and everything but i can't help but chuckle.
Jewel: we're both singer-songwriter babes with white-girl tarot tits who like the planet Jupiter, okay?
Trent Reznor: i'm trying to stifle my laughing.
Tori Amos: you laugh?

Norm MacDonald: yeah let the SNL cast improvise without me, i'm walking out, i'm not hosting.........this shows i have GREAT FAITH in my former SNL castmates.........after this i became a pigeon...

Coldplay "Viva La Vida": it's die, not dice...

Codrus at the vestibule: Alcuin was my Prince Andrew...

Influence from Dick Tracy: i saw the bandages Twilight Zone episode, okay?

King Charles III wears the Sun-Halo Crown during his Coronation...

Ralph Gibson: i'm like cyberpunk in photographs...

Mardith at Tatiana's new studio: 4-7-8 breathing, i do it all the time at yoga: 4 elements, 7-Eleven, 8 Is Enough, 8 chakras is enough, Naruto should have learned them by now...
Holt Hanley in studio: anybody do their urge surfing this morning?

Obec Carmel: severe weather here means.........130-degree heat.

Ryan Gosling of the Detroit Lions: that should have been ME in those commercials!!! i should be marrying Lily from AT&T right now with Little Caesars pizza as our wedding-reception food!!!

Matteo Berrettini: wait, Hugo Boss did WHAT in the 1940s?!!!...

Drakkar Noir: we did the Old Spice Kraken thing first with our dragon...

The Great Space Coaster: the portable fold-up television, we had the iPad first!!!

Queen Elizabeth II with a flower in her hair: i love that my funeral has turned into Woodstock!!!
JFK: ...

Heather Graham: so they can sexually assault me on live TV during my SNL monologue but ironically, they couldn't say the word "shit" on SNL in 2000...

Chris Kattan: aren't i better than Rob Schneider? right?

Windsor Castle quadrangle: a garage for Rolls-Royces...

Doryce: i don't care anymore. i'd rather be comfortable than clean. i'm putting on this stanky blue blouse for the 7th time this week.
Gladyce: 7 is a lucky number.

Zendaya: remember our Disney days?
Bella Thorne: yeah.
Zendaya: i became a big movie star.
Bella Thorne: i went into paid porn...

Alla Pugacheva: no i'm not Fergie.........the princess Fergie.

Laertus's dad: i've never watched a CBS sitcom...

Lorne Michaels: why do all the women who host SNL do their monologue in vinyl leather pants?...

Maria LaRosa: Climate Week > Fashion Week

Prince Louis: i have no concept of death yet...

Nasi Novare Coram: new old skin cream that makes people colorblind...

Arnold Schwarzenegger at the church gym: don't do GOMAD, you'll shrink your gonads.........how now brown cow.
Maria Shriver: ...
Arnold Schwarzenegger: all diets are fads and will make you mad...

Kadeem Hardison jogging on church grounds peacefully: i do voices, too...
Mardith: you know it heartens me that Kadeem and Cree Summer met on set at A Different World and fell in love between takes. AND THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER TODAY!!! IT LASTED!!! CRUSHES WORK!!! it's a way forward, it's hope, it shows me that it is possible to still fall in love despite what this wretched world has become.
Cree Summer doing her Cree Summer voice: it was a different world back then.........but we still maintain in 2022.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Lupin III ...
Aki Ross from Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within: you realize i was supposed to replace all living human actresses and actors, right? the studios going forward would use ME instead of Angelina Jolie and save a SHITLOAD of money. even though 3DCGI is EXTREMELY expensive. i'm virtual, i'm computer-animated, i'm generated, i'm easy to work with. my only question was: would i have a life OUTSIDE the movie set?...
Shia LaBeouf: oh yeah i remember those times.........but then ironically Angelina Jolie played YOU for Beowulf...

Shia: so what kind of work are you doing now?
Aki Ross: i'm in a band with Trent Reznor...

Eye: License to Drive and go.
me: the DMV destroyed my life.
Less: miles and miles of sidewalk for me...
Less, Deen, and Mr. Maldark huddle together by the sidewalk curb, by the side of the road at the Moving Violations Police Academy Driving School to take a listen:

me: the DMV destroyed my life. ALL of my problems in life can be traced back to when i had to take the driving test, that's when i FROZE. i didn't know it back then but anxiety would be claiming me for the first time, not allowing me to move forward in life, depriving me of joy and tradition and a milestone everyone else achieves. there wasn't a name for it back then in the '80s: anxiety. see anything that was schoolwork, anything involving a written test, writing, memorizing math, taking tests with a pencil, i ACED easily, i had the brain for it. but i was not MANUAL in any way, i was not PHYSICAL, i couldn't do things like operate heavy machinery, heavy machinery being a car, operating a motor vehicle. it scared me, it TERRIFIED me, my body froze and locked in place and i couldn't move. my swim through life hit a concrete wall, i stopped DARING. it was the most frustrating thing, demons started invading me, doubts crept in, and i simply couldn't take the steering wheel. bicycles were okay, but then again i had training wheels first. are there car training wheels? and so i got left behind, it was as if i flunked a grade, as my classmates shoved on with their lives and their proms and fucked into families at college. i was STUCK FOREVER, homebound. i was scared to go OUTSIDE, i COULDN'T go outside, it was as if the universe was FORCING me to become AGORAPHOBIC against my will. life ends when you don't have a car, especially in Los Angeles. you can't go anywhere, do anything, make anything of yourself. life comes to a SCREECHING HALT, pun intended. see that was the thing: if i had grown up in Berkeley or New York City maybe it would've worked. but not Los Angeles. to this day i am TERRIFIED of taking the driving test through L.A. streets. all that cement and freeway smoke and fire lanes and traffic that bites at your car's nippy heels on a cold day. i would just crash. not crash and burn, i would literally crash. school is easy, the DMV is hard. why does the DMV have to crash into your life and present you with this foreign thing, this weird test, this terrible trial on a cold concrete trail you have to go through that has nothing to do with your mind? and if you don't get GRANTED the DMV Golden Ticket suddenly your lifepath is in shambles. nerves kill progress. your timeline terminated. nothing natural about it. I JUST.........I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.........I JUST COULDN'T DRIVE A CAR.

last time on Keeping Up with the Haims on A&E:
Alana Haim: we're not related. i'm not Corey Haim's wife. nor his sister. if i had been he'd still be here with us today. because I am certainly someone to LIVE FOR!!! Corey...
The Two Coreys: which one?
Alana Haim. you coulda saved yourself if you had just been in a band...
Corey Haim crunches down hard on some rock cereal.
Berwin: wasn't me. there's no salt in the cereal.
Corey Haim: what is this shit?!!!
Corey Feldman: calmate, calmate, calm your tetas, best bro. i put a little charcoal in your cereal. that's charcoal cereal.
Corey Haim: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!!!
Corey Feldman: no that's YOUR job. the charcoal helps you speak...

Mardith: so this your typical '80s rape-culture movie, the stuff in here would NEVER get cleared today!!!
Heather Graham: tell me about it. but since this was my first movie i couldn't refuse to do anything or it'd be a short career. and my parents didn't exactly protect me when i was young...
Madame Pons: oh you poor thing. we women, if we don't make good choices in men we're screwed for life. remember, dear, when the fish in the sea have dried up, choose a woman instead. WE WOMEN ARE STILL HERE!!! tee-hee.
Mardith: *redfaced* MOM!!!

Corey Haim: wait, my dad in this is the lead singer of Toto?
Richard Masur: so THAT's where i've seen me before!!!
Corey Haim: save me, Toto. save my life, Toto.

Carol Kane: i'm that woman you've seen in anything you've ever watched. i played the mom. or the sister, you know. people still don't know if i'm an actor or a singer. or a dancer. i never married so.........i mean i'm probably a lesbian but who knows?

Nina Siemaszko: why didn't i become a bigger star? i was on a family of stars. it wasn't up to me. i ended up the Justine Bateman of Hollywood, the Mallory from Family Ties of Hollywood. ironically, i would make the PERFECT Nina Gordon in the Veruca Salt movie on Lifetime...
Berwin: is Veruca Salt pink?

James Avery: i am the man EVERY TEENAGER FEARS!!!
me: in real life. me, for real.
James Avery: i was an ornery DMV driving examiner. but notice after i became a Bel-Air billionaire my mood changed, my demeanor calmed...

Grant Goodeve: i'm the real name of Santa Claus. don't worry, your sister is in good hands with me. T.J. Hooker was a TERRIBLE name for a show. i'll be the laidback cool-breeze hang-loose surfer driving examiner, the Gustavo Kuerten driving examiner. my wife was on 8 Is Enough with Naruto. my wife is Pokémon. i married Pokémon.

Helen Hanft: no i'm not the WHERE'S THE BEEF lady, i'm not that old!!! i'm what Shirley Manson of Garbage will look like in a few years...

Heather Graham: Mercedes Lane, my name is PURELY for that ONE joke in the movie...
Corey Haim: Corey already has a Mercedes...

me: okay these scenes are making me SWEAT AND SHIVER. i am VERY UNCOMFORTABLE watching this. i don't mind the blocky computers, i would pass a greenline-on-the-screen test on the computer commuter screen, it's very Super Mario Bros., very 1984, very cool. 

me: BUT THE DRIVING TEST!!! i ain't no driver. why couldn't i have gotten one of those easy totally-rad driving examiners who would PASS YOU NO MATTER WHAT. even if you ran into a tree because you were looking at Working Squirrel...
easy grader: easy-grader teachers want to be your friend, your buddy, your pal...

James Avery: SEE THIS CUP OF COFFEE? if you spill it on my lap YOU FAIL!!!
Corey Haim: but the coffee's cold by now, i waited in line FOR HOURS to take the DMV test!!!
James Avery: i know but it's not the coffee, it's this LIMITED EDITION 7-Eleven-from-the-'80s FOAM CUP!!! this cup is VINTAGE!!! 

Corey Haim: don't sell my car at auction, it looks like the Ectomobile...

Miss Hellberg: NEXT FOR A DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!
Olivia Rodrigo: i'm next.
Miss Hellberg: why aren't you a pretty little thing. well i'm jealous. for women, beauty is all that matters. when the beauty goes, it's death. don't you worry, dearie, i'm just a witch, a dragon lady...

Miss Hellberg: computers in the '80s are notoriously bad, they break down CONSTANTLY for long stretches of time, lots of black smoke. so i'm just gonna go ahead and pass you cos you are a TWIN. right? 
Corey Haim: yes. twins have the exact same brain. tho for some reason i DESPISE my twin here.
Miss Hellberg: this is 1984 tho so i FAIL YOU!!! 

Carol Kane: honey, it's okay to have a boyfriend, he can be Afghan, he just can't be COMMUNIST, this is the '80s.
Nina: my boyfriend wears a beret and goatee and looks like Claude from Degrassi and says all the GAS-GUZZLERS on the road are destroying the world.........he's right but no one cares yet.

Laertus's dad: dad to dad, that was POOR the way Corey Haim treated his dad. poor pops, poor father, he's carrying the pampers around, the baby diapers, walking on a strange street and his kid just DITCHES him. leaving him carless with his own car.
Corey Haim: in my defense you can't turn down a drug run...
mom: all this stress is not good for the baby in my belly...

Heather Graham: you suck, Paolo. are you cheating on me?
Paolo: i listen to Maroon 5, yes.
Heather: why is swarthy and Italian In in the '80s?
Paolo: i'm not Italian, i'm from Afghanistan.
Heather: we live in America, men don't OWN women here. you'll find out in Afghanistan.........but it's gonna take a VERY LONG LONG LONG time. I AM WOMAN!!! women around the world UNITE and burn your hijabs in protest!!!

Corey Haim: are you giving me a blowjob in this car?
Heather Graham: no i'm reaching for the stick shift.
Corey: why are you dancing on the roof of this car?
Heather: to see if it's bulletproof. this is not your car. i'm auditioning for Almost Famous later, i can beat that other blonde Kate Hudson, i can star in SERIOUS movies!!!...

Corey Haim: the worst thing you can do on a Saturday night in the '80s is stare at the clock...

Corey Feldman: Shakey's!!! best slice in town!!!
Corey Haim: wait, we can't eat this pizza unless we're playing Dungeons & Dragons and Queensryche is the music playing in the background on the speakers.
Queensryche: or the band performing in the pub...
Feldman: hey do you mind if we stuff you in the trunk?
Heather: yes.
Feldman: don't worry, you're passed out, it's all a dream. when we carry your lifeless body around the city you're just sleeping. hey do you think it's kosher if i photograph with a flash bulb under Heather Graham's skirt and bra?
Heather Graham: no. no it's not. there's no internet yet but it's not cool.

Archie's Atomic: we're Sexy Sonic. a bunch of scantily clad roller-skating waitresses serving burgers and fries.
Kevin Smith: they were a comic-book shop but it got razed by a raise. inflation. 
Heather Graham: you guys are just COPYING ME!!! i play Rollergirl in Boogie Nights soon...
Mardith: yeah i mean at least be cool about it. form a roller derby league or something. this coming from a former stripper. jammer is not found in your toes.

Nina: are you sure we can protest in the L.A. River?
boyfriend with beret: river? i thought this was a junta. don't worry, it's the '80s, they don't shoot protesters yet...

cop: you're lucky World War III just started or i'd TOTALLY bust you for that woman in your trunk.

Corey Haim: okay so we have a fellow joyrider here. am i gonna have to form a human ladder with my legs to get into your car as we both race down the lane at 170mph?
Brent Spiner: i'm Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation and i'll be your old joyrider this evening. for no reason at all, just because i can reach 200mph cos i'm an android. don't worry, the L.A. River isn't a river.

Takahashi: Cadillac Sedan de Ville, the 101 Dalmatians' TRUE owner.
Greykid: dogs can't be owned.........they can only be pwned by my paws.
Aaron Stone: ...

Laertus: OKAY I HAVE TO SAY, i did NOT see this coming!!! the back half of this movie you'd think would start to peter out, but this is when it revs up and STARTS TO GET GOOD!!! the BACKWARDS DRIVING thing, i mean, can i say this about this movie? it's INGENIOUS!!! because it's NEW, it's NOVEL. i just was never thinking they'd do something like that, they pull it off flawlessly, i just wasn't thinking BACKWARDS, you know?

Corey Haim: we're all lucky this was a stick shift, stick shifts can ONLY DRIVE IN REVERSE, can't drive forward...
me: no wonder i have an abject fear of European cars...
Mr. Bean laughs.

Corey Haim: hey sister, what paperback book are you reading?
Nina: some Ayn Rand thing. see i am able to GO to college as in DRIVE to college.
me: *sighing internally* !@#$
Corey Haim: so what!!! who cares!!! it's just COMMUNITY college.
sister: yeah but it's a Los Angeles community college, i drive along cool orange-leaf-cooled straight suburban lanes of paved road, it's a magnificent meditative drive when i'm alone in my car.

Heather Graham: zoom zoom,.
Corey Haim: nice car!!!
Heather Graham stretches to extend her gloved hand. golf-gloved hand.
Heather: hello, i'm Paige Spirinac.
Corey Haim: look.........just.........DON'T DATE JAMES WOODS!!! i know you're estranged from your parents but.........you're not close but.........you have a car now to drive to your parents!!!
Heather: i need SOMEONE to replace my father...
Corey Haim: YES BUT NOT JAMES WOODS!!!

Roger Ebert: the end-credits song, it's harmless, it's inspiring. the lyrics aren't creepy, he's talking about getting out of his dreams and into his car. it's like stop dreaming and make your dream a REALITY. the COLD METAL of a PHYSICAL OBJECT, not just another daydream, another mind game, another written test.
me: that hurts.

Roger Federer: guys guys, let's all relax and calm down. and come down from this, all this agitation. all this car talk is making me sad. it's reminding me of when i lost my first tennis coach to a car accident. from THAT POINT ON, i never smashed another tennis racquet again, i wasn't a hothead again, i never screamed and shouted and yelled and carried on on a court again because i saw that tennis is not life or death. my eyes were opened, i had an epiphany, i stopped being a brat and i became the cool calm collected Roger you all know and love through the decades. the money didn't hurt with keeping me calm. g'night folks for the last time. tennis is my mistress...