WEDDING PRACTICE: THE ETERNAL PLAY

 

at the church of St. Cyril's of Jerusalem in Encino, we're finally getting it together.

me: we're almost married!!!

Jen R: not so fast, cowboy.

me: cowboy is the worst thing you could call me.

Jen: there's a wonderfully strange tradition now where the bride and groom PRACTICE the wedding ceremony at the church before the big binding day, have you seen this?

me: have i!!! and i LOVE it. it's like this Broadway play we're in we didn't know we auditioned for but we have the script in the car. we have our marks we have to hit all around the church and the spotlight rounds that cut the corners of the church like pro actors.

Jen: is there a caterer? not food, flowers...

me: this is serious. we have to do the procession down the middle carpet lane with PRECISION, at a 3/4 pace or the entire ceremony gets bottlenecked.

Father Navin who's officiating: don't screw it up. i can count on my 20 toes the number of times i've rammed into the wife walking...

wife: but not talking!!!

Jen: procession precision.

me: see i want this practice to continue FOREVER. forget the actual wedding. and the marriage!!! let's just do this play practice week after week, we're in this warm intimate interior locale safe from the world doing moves and motions only our friends and families would recognize. there's no one in the church but US. it's quiet.

Jen: we can breathe as we amble. a rites rehearsal that's a ritual, i'm in. it for the long run. walk. let's see where we're going...

Father Navin: remember, eat HALF your eggplant sandwich.

Neil Hope: Meals on Wheels could have saved me...

Claude: get thee to a church pantry!!!

Zalman King: in the '90s a woman would still make love to a complete stranger on a moving train. 

Caron Bernstein: loneliness is a river that never ends...

Gollum: I'M the star here. not Bilbo. not Frodo. not Gandalf who was the first person ever to grow a floor-length beard. it's not just the precious stuff, it's Hobbitses. i chew the scenery!!! i'm like a suave ladyboy drunk.

Gollum: my name as a man was Smeagol Smith. i was the hobbits' mailman...

Otezla: the weight loss should help with the suicidal thoughts...

local oncology center: we provide you with one knit cap...

Ralph Bakshi: we did KINDA work together that one time.

Zalman King: we shared Kim Basinger...

Leslie Sbrocco: Leslie Frank? frankly she's a wannabe me.

internist: i'm a doctor who stays inside.

Kara Swisher: living forever would get boring. even if i had a flying car. take Carl Sagan's quote off that machine!!!...

Daylight Saving: it's noon and it's the middle of the night.

humidifier in the church eaves: the water vapor is Vaporwave.

Trinity chasing churchmice: i'm an indoor alleycat.

Talia: the pews...

Greykid in the holy-water font: is this a public bathhouse?

Sphinx: i chase after pyramid mice on their period.

San Dimas: the clock here is always running. don't waste your time. go back to when you wore gray jogging pants in the '80s and LIVE AGAIN. it actually is a cooler clock than the Back to the Future clock...

U.S. Special Forces troops into Iran to retrieve the last of Iran's uranium nuclear stockpile: it's an '80s Nintendo game!!!

Will Smith and Chris Rock walk out together onto the Oscars 2026 stage.

Will Smith and Chris Rock: and the Oscar for Best Choreography goes to...

me: when i was pulling in here this morning...

Jen R: churches have parking lots?

me: i experienced the STRANGEST SENSATION. for the first time. see i've never had hair this long before, i'm growing it out.

Jen: no you're just lazy.

me: I FELT THE WIND IN MY HAIR!!! what an eerie feeling. i didn't know what that was fluttering on my head. now i know how you girls do it.

Jen: i have LONG hair that touches the floor because mothers don't have time to visit the barber. can you still eat food?

me: no. my beard has become so unruly hairs get in my mouth. these are the lessons a boy needs to become a man i was never taught by anybody: how to eat with a frizzy beard. 

Jen: the question is, does your hair have a LIMIT? is your hair limited like Johnny Rotten?

Johnny Rotten: like, unique?

Jen: will your hair continue to grow until it becomes a fro the size of Planet Earth?...

 

 

 

THE MEANING OF LIFE ON EARTH: PROM IS CANCELED

 

Priest-Principal: the prom is closed. shut. the prom was becoming too suggestive, you know? i've had to reopen Notre Dame and file all the girls back in there like pushing sardines back into the tin. 

Jen R: it's true what they say, change really does take time.

Priest-Principal: now what am i gonna do on my lonely Wednesday nights? 

me: you could try teaching a class here.

Priest-Principal: yeah you're right, earn my keep, earn my silence. earning my monastic silence so there are no more noisy kids in my life. i've always been a fan of science. i have an old Macmillan telescope from the '80s but it doesn't work anymore with the Milky Way because it's a gas telescope...

Maggie Gyllenhaal leading the hosts and audience of The View to scream during the commercial break: wasn't that cathartic? i got a lot out. i got a lot out of that. i wanted to wear my brother's bunny suit...

math in a wood classroom: you only look cool doing math if you have a big bushy beard.

Lucy Teale: seal the deal with Teale? nah, no fuckfests in Scotland ever since the raves were closed and shut for covid. speaking of teal, i was blue during this time, i might have done a couple sketchy things. i kinda faked my own suicide, not for numbers, to see if the acting lessons were working!!! i need to be in that live-action Storm Hawks movie. the modeling dried up. never be a model in Inverness. and then i met Steejo. well i met Kakashi. and i got a castle.

Maika Monroe: i should have been Marilyn Monroe's granddaughter...

Pope Bob: i would poo in the woods if the Swiss Guard would let me. leave a middle-aged man alone to crap in a forest!!!

Roger Federer in Swiss Guard uniform: i thought that was chocolate...

Red Shoe Diaries: the ultimate soap opera.

Zalman King: a soap opera with DANCE!!!

Patrick Surtain II: yes those were my real Popeye arms...

One Piece live-action: here's to giving EVERYTHING a second chance...

dogs: we sound like seagulls at night.

Candy Crush: because there's nothing more depressing than being at a bus stop at 11PM at night...

Adam on the school fresco: i wasn't giving the finger to God...

Randa pulls up in the school parking lot on a bicycle riding it upside-down with his hands on the seat smoking a cigarette. Randa had a charisma to him people called Jesus-like. he was big and hulking like a Hulk who was gangly and uncoordinated. he had lips like a baby's bottom. he "said" he played volleyball but he didn't really. he looked like the Italian Green Giant. he looked like if Roy Paranzuela took after his dad more...

Randa: people don't create anymore, they just react.

Jen R: wow. i fainted.

Randa: i'm technically smoking on school grounds. a real cigarette, my dad's Marlboro, not a cheap soggy Lucky Strike anybody can get at the drugstore. i'm Lucio but COOL.

Lucio Rossi: oh yeah tough guy? prove it. 

Randa: my black hair is naturally disheveled, i don't need to treat it. i'm wearing a rain robe. my Grinch socks have holes in them but that's a sign i'm rich, not poor!!! 

Jen: like picture him on a yacht with those Grinch socks on.

Randa: i'm fixed cool, not forced cool. 

Jen: not random. although that boysenberry Slice in your bicycle cupholder is a random soda.

Lucio: okay tough guy, say something cool.

Randa: we didn't have a pop quiz today. 

me: pop test?

Randa: no it was a test but a small test, like a quiz, more like a quest. we went on a journey.

me: damn i'll never be cool.

Priest-Principal: a journey of religious learning?

Ms. Krause: are Catholics allowed to do math? Randa is on the fast track to being on an episode of Small Wonder. 

Randa: bring your knapsack on a stick, the train leaves in an hour.

Priest-Principal: okay. alright. you've convinced me. someone as cool as Randa deserves to be at a prom. i'm uncanceling the prom. against the wishes of The Pope.

Pope Bob: reimburse me for the pizza money you stole from my wallet!!!

THE MEANING OF LIFE ON EARTH: IT'S NOT THE SEX, IT'S THE SUGGESTION

Priest-Principal: i'm a little worried about the upcoming prom.

me: nuh you're fine, we're combined, remember?

Priest-Principal: i don't want the thing to be an all-out sexfest. we are still an institute of religious learning.

Jen R: aren't all Catholics freaks?

Priest-Principal: it's catechism but it's crude, crass, cooing. it's lower learning, not HIGHER learning.

Jen: then get the gardener to make all the gardens cross-shaped and fill the yard with marijuana.

Priest-Principal: i want this to go off without a hitch, this prom is to be strictly '80s nostalgia. a theme of like Underwater Wonderland or some such. blue lighting, blue walls, blue streamers, blue everything. 

Jen: blue lava lamps and blue disco ball?

Priest-Principal: mermaids and shit. a nice song like Phil Collins "Sussudio" playing on the overhead speaker/spycam, no DJ. guppies everywhere strewn on the floor are Goldfish crackers.

janitor: thanks a lot, you idiot.

Priest-Principal: a big-ass octopus in the middle made of purple papier-mache. 

H.P. Lovecraft: that's what happened at MY prom...

Priest-Principal: pinhole lights in the bathrooms so God can monitor the students who are still students at night!!!

Jen: okay but why is there baby powder in your desk drawer?

Priest-Principal: no see i won't be the chaperone, i'll be in here during the prom, in my office.

me: did you get all this new furniture with the bakesale funds?

Priest-Principal: you like? club chairs. yeah. pool table next week.

Jen: at least it's not THAT priest pool.

Priest-Principal: i read a distressing announcement i had to broadcast to the school with my bulletin speakerphone mic. 

Jen: PA in Pennsylvania.

Priest-Principal: apparently we have a lot of COOL kids who go here!!! this is not good for prom prospects...

Jack Hughes: where do you go to get inspiration for your sad songs?

Billy Corgan: Disneyland. i was doing that before No Doubt. before Banksy. before Keanu Reeves was a gleam in Laurence Fishburne's weird eyes.

Keanu Reeves: i had fish for lunch...

Iranian hardliner: i dunno, the world is crazy now, a bomb erases religion, maybe the decadent isn't so bad, i've been checking out a few SNL sketches on YouTube...

coffee: meant to wake you. not be an egg. that's what the milk is for.

the year 1980: the beginning of the magic. Debralee Scott was single...

TetraNinja: i'm back, baby. my mental health is an iron screw. in my body. Zelda gets the Blood Moon right. especially predicting when the next Zelda game's coming out...

Japan: we're gonna make you wait forever. you're in love with Japan right now. the Blood Moon predicts the delay... 

Reza Aslan: we'll be discussing how opposition to C.S. Lewis created the Islamic State in Iran...

C.S. Lewis: it's a mystery only cops in a lab can solve...

Dan Souza in the ATK kitchen: the way i'm in-command roasting this broccoli and i'm freshly outta culinary college, you can tell i'm in the process of owning my own house in San Francisco...

Kelly Osbourne: whaddya mean, you so mean, i look COOL. i'm finally a true GOTH, i never wanted to be black metal!!!

D'arcy: i never watched Married... with Children, that raunch was spicy. 

Marcy D'Arcy: me too. that raunch was filthy.

D'arcy: i did audition for Kelly Bundy...

Marcy: hey so when are you guys gonna go back to the Gish sound?...

school nurse: do you mind turning off the fucking TV? thank you. FINALLY!!! my ears can breathe. 

Priest-Principal: push me back down on the changing table.

school nurse: time to take your temp.

Priest-Principal: stick it up my butt, the nuns never wanted to.

Animaniacs nurse: current time and temp, why does TV do that?

school nurse: YOUR blood pressure, Father, not MY blood pressure!!!

butter: it's like ice cream...

Phil Collins: Sussudio.

Ciara: the Sasuke chakra cage that looks like a Vaporwave devil? that's sus, old man.

Sasuke: my barriers are bogus.

Jen R: in the studio?

Lucio Rossi pulls up into the Palma parking lot in a Lucid car. the doors open OUT. i hug him sumptuously like i haven't seen him in, what, 40 years? 

me: hey man!!! my brother!!! wow you look COOL now!!!

Lucio Rossi: i shall not be a dork anymore. i refuse to be the butt of the homily. 

Jen: no more bubble butt, your ass is grass!!!

Lucio: i made my hair disheveled and curly. no more stolen Vidal Sassoon when the mafia invaded France.

Patrick Dempsey: i believe it's called beeswax in the hair.

John Travolta: are they Italian greasers or American greasers?...

Lucio: my Grinch socks have holes in them. at least those holes are smaller than the holes in my dirty white T-shirt.

Jen: 1+1?

Lucio: 2.

Jen: still a math nerd.

Lucio: this Vaporwave car of mine, Timothee Chalamet said it was okay, he inspired me to be a different person.

Timothee Chalamet: you're a rad person, Lucio, all i really did was tell you to follow your lucid dreams.

Jen: is that an open bottle of Perrier in your cupholder?

Lucio: in order to properly drink Perrier, you must be on your derriere: i'm putting that on a cardboard standee and making it the prom theme. after we each get our first kiss it's back to my place for Spy Hunter in the treehouse of my stucco Sherman Oaks house that looks like an Italian inn. we'll raid my mom's purse for Domino's money while she sleeps. if you hurt me back then with party promises, i forgive you now. i've trained my whole life for this prom. 

 

THE MEANING OF LIFE ON EARTH: ZEN SLAP

 

Priest-Principal: it just came to me!!!

the Priest-Principal is making an important announcement.

Priest-Principal: henceforth Palma High School i decree shall be coed.

me: great. my entire life would have been different if this announcement had been made, oh, some 20 years ago instead. what's with the sudden enlightenment?

Priest-Principal: the whims of time...

Alice: it's called being LIBERATED. shoulda done this in the '70s...

Priest-Principal: i'm really excited about this, the nice girls will wear the same uniform as the guys, that ugly blue plaid checkerboard thing. Notre Dame High School will close down of course, shut, it will all just be called Palma from now on. a blessed blended salad of integrated religious learning.

black Jesus: "diverse" just means "human."

Jonathan Livingston Seagull: love is fun.

Irish lad on Instagram: Shan and i have been together for 30 years. we're both 28 years old. we've been together all 50 years of Instagram's existence. we have no plans to marry, only to be boyfriend and girlfriend...

gambling: it's fun. if you have a beard.

soccer ref: i'm giving a yellow card to the ENTIRE organization of Sunderland, okay?

Arizona: Hell on Earth.

CVS: we're the only place you can get cash now...

Jake Lloyd: yeah i won't be at that Star Wars convention in Phoenix...

Trent Reznor singing "Kinda I Want To" in a purple club in the '80s: what's a boy to do, time for my 4PM poo, I WANT TO!!!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: i won't return to The View if Jon Hamm's gonna be on!!!

Jon Hamm: what, i was just gonna talk about my college initiative.........inside my old frat house...

1930s: women didn't say titties in the '30s.

Jean Harlow: yes they did.

Hallmark movie: women are not allowed to wear baggy jeans...

Tokyo Revengers: blond: you're a successful, quirky, and different Japanese man. black hair: you've lost everything...

Mr. Kotter: bring back those blouses and hotpants 1970s Iranian women wore!!! open up the colleges again, let's learn about pop culture!!!

Connor Storrie: oh you want me to be a clown again? i just became the Joker...

Meals on Wheels: M on W, men on women, Monday to Wednesday, no weekends, people don't get hungry on weekends, people go to restaurants on weekends... 

Saturday Night Live: the reason we have such large casts is we need to do a lot of office-party sketches...

Premier League: it's surprising how SMALL the goal is...

Reza Aslan: i'm a gray-haired professor who's still handsome. i'm a freethinking Iranian man who teaches at the university. Riverside where Archie and Jughead live and play pranks. i am SWIMMIN' in women.

Iranian student: getting my first-ever copy of a shrink-wrapped 1970s Macmillan science textbook...

Brooke Trantor: am i the only one who still likes Los Angeles?

David Lynch: you, me, and my empty swimming pool, baby.

Jen R: have we landed on a name for our zine?

me: Read.

Jen: i was thinking State of Emergency like the Bjork song.

Bjork: come on, woman, i'm not political, i like to have FUN.

me: i'll email you the new story i write one a week.

Jen: so you're never gonna stop talking to me?

me: we don't have to talk about work. we can talk about the weather, sleeping, what's for dinner...