TMIT: ANONYMOUS #1

 

1. what made the best sex partner you've ever had so good?

the listening, learning, and doing. i listened to her. she told me EXACTLY what she NEEDED in bed. the sex had to be just right for her to orgasm. i wrote copious notes in the margins of my Gideon Bible that night until it became a book cipher. she was Jada Pinkett and she required very specific sex. i became elastic that night. later, we nailed that scene in Jason's Lyric, the naked lovemaking in the magic pink weeping-willow swamp...

2. what made the worst sex partner you've ever had so bad?

i was excited cos Mr. Bean was joining us for a threesome. but all night she only seemed interested in doing it in a yellow British Mini car...

3. who was the most physically attractive person you've ever had sex with?

Jennifer Pizarro

4. how was it? like tapping into the source of all of the universe's Love Energy. understanding the Meaning of Life as a basic infinite reductive concept of one part 1980s and ALL the body parts of one purple Jennifer Pizarro in a bed of black holes and stars. when you get ONE CHANCE for your ENTIRE LIFE to do it over. when the time machine becomes nostalgic...

5. who was the least attractive person you've ever had sex with?

Gilbert Gottfried God rest his soul

6. why'd you do it? i was desperate to get on Saturday Night Live.........it didn't matter which season, SNL in any form...

7. how was it? 

Gilbert taught me so much. he was the most selfless lover. after we fucked he turned his funny little head to caress my cheek then sprayed my face with a hard spritz of a pressurized glass water bottle and my bare butt landed on a whoopie cushion with pins. our pillow talk was thus:

Gilbert Gottfried: see when you're on that SNL stage it doesn't matter what you look like, you can transform into ANY CELEBRITY as long as you inhabit the character with your impersonation. 

me: is this true?

Gilbert: of course. look at Will Ferrell and George W. Bush, George W. Bush isn't that tall!!! look i'll show you...

and show me he did. i swear i saw Gilbert Gottfried seamlessly transform into Jimmy G from the San Francisco 49ers that day...

BONUS: describe a bad sexual experience you admit was your fault:

i'm afraid i have to cut this great sex short cos.........i have to go see the Bob's Burgers Movie in a theatre now.........this is something i am fated to do in the FUTURE...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

TWO WORDS: MEXICAN PIZZA

 

notes:

* RORY STORY!!! come on, Rory McIlroy!!! we've waited a DAMN DECADE to see you in this position again!!! don't screw it up, Rory!!! i mean all your fans left you in droves swimming away from the isle of Ireland to join Tiger Woods back at the mainland when Tiger returned. we need Rory and Tiger in the final group on Sunday like the good ol days. Phil will make his dramatic return as the newly-elected President of Saudi Arabia...

* NHL Hockey: you shouldn't be able to touch the puck with your hand like a soccer goalie, that's cheating, you should only touch the puck with your stick.

* Cardi B: changing a diaper is EASY with long nails.........if your baby is a teddy bear.

* Greykid finally emerges from the shadows of the lawn at day when the glare of the sun hits his grey cat-eyes causing sunspots.

Greykid: i arose from my summer slumber after my whiskers sensed the scent of delicious oat raw milk...

* me: this always happens in the month of May, 7 things happen on 1 day

* me: ...and the rest of the month there's nothing happening...

* at Commencement

Billie Jean King: don't let others define you.

Mardith: yeah that's what i said...

Kamala Harris: the future godparent to your child is sitting next to you right now.

me: yes, that's the problem, i lost all my groups.

* B-Boy Blues: if you're looking for a different bike-messenger story...

* Jody Potts-Joseph: imagine my Alaskan smile through the snow as the jawbone of all the ancestors of the world. the Candle of Life is dripping from my chin...

* Joseph Papp: i was the Hugh Hefner of public theatre...

* Ashley Leggat: i know i know, sorry. i should have married Michael Seater. how cliche could i get? i was a Canadian babe tv-star actress who ended up marrying an ice-hockey player...

* Barstow: you thought i was in Northern California, didn't you?...

* Sally Yeh: think of the extensive beautiful history of Cantopop in Hong Kong which will be lost...

* Cara Delevingne: so here's the thing. i can't have sex. i can only lick legs. my version of sex is licking legs. you will NEVER spell my last name correctly...

* cumrade: it's an Australian thing

* Mardith: life hack: if your dad is intrepid enough to discover your secret Instagram with all your prom and sex pics that only your girlfriends can comment on, the least you can do is acknowledge that this comment INDEED did come from your dad by liking the comment. 

Dirg: i do this and they're not even my daughter.

* Red Power Ranger: look, there was no way i could win. i tried to fight the Department of Justice but the DOJ has Zords!!! i tried to find Zordon again in that cave by the beach but i forgot which cave it was. and which beach it was. when i got there Zordon's blue hologram had been turned off.

Zordon: i use my blue hologram now to project life on Earth, i'm employed by the universe. Zordon=Zords, you only just got that now, huh champ.

Red Ranger: i don't know if you've noticed but the world doesn't care about Power Rangers anymore. the last Power Rangers show couldn't be seen on tv, only on the Nickelodeon website.

Boris Becker: it can happen, Austin St. John, it can happen...

* Love In The Jungle: this is actually a novel concept for a reality show and i hate reality as a genre. using animal mating techniques to find love. the catch is, you can't talk. ever. cheetahs never talk when they're fucking at lightspeed. and you can't be in the tribe with that doggystyle-anal sign.

* Apple Data Auction

Ellie: i'm a girl with freckles and a jean jacket. why is everyone looking at and auctioning off my data? this auction is a suction.

auctioneer: let's look at Ellie's emails. boring.

Ellie: i only open Elon Musk's emails.

auctioneer: and her medicine cabinet is bare.

Ellie: i don't do drugs. my art is not very good because of this.

auctioneer: all her locations. you NEVER left France?!!!

Ellie: people thought i was Claudine Pepin, i had to hide out.

auctioneer: and finally, her nudes. wait who is this naked girl?

Ellie: those are the nudes of ALIA SHAWKAT. i'm French, remember?

* Google Pixel Phone

Batman: coffee with Robin in 30 minutes.........i thought Robin would be making the coffee.

lawnmower man: bro, lawnmowing is my job. don't erase me with the Eraser. i will reincarnate into Beck and haunt you.

* Expedia

Stanley Tucci: lemons. i'm not a lemon, i never said i was Anthony Bourdain. i'm not a nomad, either. i did this so i could soak naked in an indoor Mediterranean pool made of mosaic in Rome with lemons floating in the pool.

* Smirnoff Ice Neon Lemonade: you forget you're drinking hard liquor when it's drowned in lemonade. the neon is just to attract the purple '80s Vaporwave burnouts.

* Indigo Hubbard-Salk: my ancestor cured polio. you don't know who i am.........but the world is about to.

Spike Lee: you hear that. you HAIR that. Andre Agassi's hair.

Andre Agassi: i was a racqueteer, not a racketeer.

Boris Becker: ...

Spike Lee: i knew Michael Jordan was gonna be good in the 1980s. JORDAN IN THE EIGHTIES!!!

Spike Lee: i know justice would have been served faster if Colin Kaepernick had been Eminem...

Federer: DAMN, Spike Lee!!! damn, dude!!! Nadal is the King of the Court?!!!

CLICK HERE FOR A TASTE OF TACO BELL'S MEXICO

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: look i'm happy that the Preakness will be Full Fans but that's about it. the Preakness needs to be the WILD party that it is. 

Mexican Pizza. the weekend is for Mexican Pizza. i'm so glad it's back.........i've never had Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell, this will be my first time... 

JFK SURVIVED: INVEST IN SILVER (PUCK HAS A MESSENGE FOR HIS DAD)

 

JFK: i regret to inform you that the situation has only gotten worse. but i will not give up, we CAN'T give up, ever, EVERYONE in this country must be heard, deserves not to die on the mean streets, and i for one am willing to sit down at the White House and hear any group, any gang, any body fighting on behalf of their people. the riots in Watts show us that we have a LONG ROAD to hoe before people feel seen in this land, not persecuted for their color, able to earn and laugh and love without fear of retribution at a pump, poll, or pernicious platter. lobsters don't grow on trees, i know this despite growing up in Maine. can we eat lobster humanely? that is the challenge. racism will never be solved but this Administration intends to salve it. 

Dan Aykroyd accompanies JFK to Watts that next evening.

JFK: what are you doing? you are not my Vice President.

Dan: i thought i'd bring a little levity to the proceedings, a little salve to the situation, comedy to the circumstances. the country is afraid of Democrats right now and i do a mean Jimmy Carter.

JFK: give it to me straight, Jim. i mean Dan.

Dan: it's bad, sir. fires, smashed windows, brick walls. smoke but not the fun Snoop Dogg smoke. 

JFK: i have an idea. EVERYONE gather round. JFK at KFC? no, too thorny. here, let's everyone gather round this CVS. i know, CVS sucks but what can you do. if you want a brighter future, invest in electric. electric energy. electric energy will rebuild your cities. do NOT repeat DO NOT INVEST IN CRYPTO. crypto is a long-con shell game, don't trust any Edsion OR Tesla that waltzes into town and comes round the neighborhood. now i understand that SILVER is needed for the electrical grid to erect, so INVEST IN SILVER NOW IN 1965!!! do it for your families' futures. invest in silver futures. my Secretary of the Treasury Roger Lodge is on the helicopter in back of me, behind me in the line in the sky, he'll fill you in on all the paperwork.

Naruto: what i show is how to survive when the whole world hates you.

young Robert Klein: i look like Billy Corgan.........when he had hair.

cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger: no fries. chips. sometimes an egg over-lightly. no Coke, Pepsi Nitro.

The Nerds on SNL in 1978: is nerd rock the next big thing?...

Weezer in 1989: yes.

Behr Stain paint-linen-finish commercial: not George Hamilton.

Beth Behrs: Stanley Tucci and i would have made an ADORABLE couple. i would fuck a man just for his food. but alas i'm married so sorry about putting a cowboy-boot-sized damp napkin on everyone's bald head.

Raid bug-spray commercial: imagination is good. we subtly slipped in there that the kid was autistic, see that? we intimated it, we couldn't say it outright explicitly or our funding would have been cut.

at The Weather Channel:

Goody Paul: i just discovered a sport called golf this year...

me: i wish we could have summer with no new episodes of tv shows, a time to relax, but it rained everyday...

Mardith at the Blood Moon dances on her highrise balcony. the grey misty clouds cover not this massive heavenly body. and the night sky is red, too.

Mardith: *dancing* groove with me. soothe with me. shake your body booty all the way round, go with the flow, make your arms and legs jelly, round your butt round and around. let your tummy and your tummy ring out and show out. you feel those vibrations the Blood Moon is giving off? go with it, invest in the vibes, swallow the vibes, dance in the invisible sky, dance on top of the air. i'm dancing on a real cloud but that's only cos i'm high enough. up here. don't let ANYBODY steal your shine, turn you into something you're not, don't let others change you. acknowledge your darkness within but don't let the darkness win. don't let it turn you into anybody OTHER than who you were meant to be, your light-being self. look, i know you're sick of waiting, you need that life-altering life-changing win NOW. you've waited for too long and you're tired, exhausted. but see the universe doesn't follow YOUR timeline, YOUR schedule, the universe unnervingly is NOTORIOUSLY SLOW. there's nothing you can do about it, you just gotta be PATIENT FOREVER. yes my angels you're gonna have to wait MORE. just don't wait the rest of your life till you're dead *winks*

Cirra: do you mind being the fluffer one set for today? the entire crew is out sick.

me: sure. what do i have to do? oh i can use the plastic rings, right?

Cirra: no, because of covid you have to do it by hand. hands on, handjobs only. keep your hand on everyone's cock at all times, keep them ready to cum at a moment's notice.

an hour later for blocking and the scene is ready to shoot.

Cirra: where'd he go?

Cirra wearing a light helmet: hey what are you doing down here?

me: oh hi Cirra!!! watch out, wouldn't want your ethereal eyes to get grimed by all the gunk down here. i'm down here in an underground London sewer cleaning up the grooved sidewalls of this tunnel before the next subway train comes through.

Gladyce at Del Monte PetSmart.

Gladyce: when we refill the cat familiars' drums back up with kitty litter at PetSmart, that sand cascading down like a waterfall hypnotizes me.

Greykid: yeah it looks like Lipton lemon iced-tea powder...

Raven Symone: Amber, babes, your boyfriend's car is a piece of junk. you can't unlock the Tesla, it either locks you out or locks you in then seizes up forever.

Amber Heard: oh Elon Musk's not my boyfriend.

Raven: okay but why does your girlfriend look like Johnny Depp?...

Wuigi: see? take Mister Mosquito for the Playstation 2, NO Nintendo games will EVER be this creepy. this uncomfortable. this serial-killery. i'd rather get bit by REAL mosquitoes than by this bloodthirsty game. how the HELL did we lose the Console Wars to Playstation?

Steejo: from now on i want to be known as Stingo...

Suzy Lu: i have blonde hair like Meryl Streep...

Ashley Callingbull: i call bullshit. I was the one who made Indigenous history.

Wacey Rabbit: don't let my Canadian niceness fool you. i hit hard on the boards when i'm out there on the ice, your face is my puck. my trix aren't for kids. i'm not scared of ANYONE, not even Mike Tyson...

Dolores O'Riordan: it's no wonder.........my first name means sad.

Sarah Sherman: it's been a good week, i became Weekend Update's first roving reporter., my nudes are online, i'm Colin Jost's new co-anchor because Michael Che quit the Desk 5 years ago. and i fucked Selena Gomez at the After Party.

Selena Gomez: that Little Black Dress worked for me...

casket spray: flowers, not an actual spray to spray on a stanky casket

Flo from Progressive: Three Busy Debras episode idea: i'm their long-lost cousin. i'm the 4th Debra. Four Busy Debras...

Yumi Nu: that's Yummy New.

Ellen DeGeneres: there's something so deadly to the soul when summer hits... 

Lana Del Rey: tell me about it...

Hilma: i wasn't Fred Flintstone's wife!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!

Dirg: i mean God bless him but there's an artist on Instagram who literally draws one line on every post and each post gets thousands of comments. he has 15,000 followers...

Zoe Keating: i am related to Keats but i want to make my OWN name for myself with my jungle trance music...

Zoe Keating: from now on, i play the cello in memory of my husband...

Nasim Pedrad editing Chad: wait, the star edits her own show?...

Johnny Depp: you will not see my eyes again.........now THAT is a line!!! that is a devastating cinematic ending, the final line of a Scorsese film. i wrote that. i'm not a writer but i wrote that.

Gol D. Roger from One Piece: you never see my mouth move when i talk, the legends are true, you've only ever seen me smiling...

Luffy: wait money here is called Belly?!!! the whole time i thought it was Berry!!!

me and Belly the band: ...

Bonne Maman: never tried the other flavors...

David Mamet: i'm not jelly...

Snoop Dogg: if I bought Twitter, Twitter would be FUN again...

Mardith: no sex? slip and slide, Instafam. slip and slide as i do the banana pose for you, as i HOLD this banana pose for you this shit ain't easy, banana is more important yoga than dog.

me at a mailbox: i never thought i'd live to see the day. TV GUIDE has gone for it, TV GUIDE does TRIPLE Issues now!!! this changes the whole two-week staggered grocery-shop schedule forever...

Stream Plus Magazine: nothing to do with fish.

Bennett Foddy: what? life is hard, right?

Puck from Real World: San Francisco stands with his bike on top of the tallest hill in San Francisco looking out over the powdery city at night, the sunset light overshadowed by the eerie red glow of the Blood Moon blanketing the sprawling cityscape. he can't breathe not from drugs but because he just took the biggest sigh of his life.

Puck: *sigh* oh well, here goes.

he wheels over to the shaggiest brickiest apartment in the complex. where lives his father. Dad puts his smelly sockless feet up on his loungechair as he eats the black smoke from his cigar and picks at the pimple on his hairy nose.

Puck: hey!!! i expelled gas out my mouth for you!!! i have a delivery for you, unsocked, let me in, don't make me break the door down.

Lance Armstrong: call me Lance Lear.

Puck: i shall call you dad. YOUR TOES SMELL!!! except they're not toes anymore, they're globs of goo. when was the last time you showered?

Lance: what's in the bag, son? is that a mailbag? a mail satchel? are you a mailman now?

Puck: it's silver. bars of silver. 

Lance: more ill-gotten goods, son? did you finger these rocks in an alleyway?

Puck: it's silver for the electric grid, dad. THIS city is the first one to try it!!! see? i have good in my heart but you're always bringing me down. your nihilism has infected my natural sunny goofy disposition, made everyone scared of me. bike messengers are supposed to be COOL!!!

Lance: you have to be an asshole to survive on the streets, son.

Puck: but i don't wanna be an asshole!!! i want to get the girl!!! i want to be the handsome debonair blond leading man who gets Rachel!!!

Lance: she's ill-gotten goods, son, she's a babe but she's a Republican babe, she's tricky territory.

Puck: i have to be better than you, i can't be poisoned by your cynicism. i have to cut my twig from your trunk. 

Lance: be proud of your penis, son.

Puck: what's for dinner?

Lance: snot-rockets a.k.a. tv-dinners.

Puck: father, what's on the tube?

Lance: i'm watching Real World on tv.

Puck: cool.

Lance: no, Real World Reunion.

Puck: pity. i have to be my own person, a happy person. i can't be an angry old man when i'm a young man. anyway that's the messenge i wanted to deliver to you before i leave this place and never return never see you again.

Lance: messenge? you mean message.

Puck: no, messenge, i'm a bike messenger.

Eye Luggage wearing Thom Browne boots: Quicksilver from 1986 and go. go on a bike.

Kevin Bacon: in my defense, i thought this was gonna be a Marvel superhero movie. i mean i don't get this film, i don't go fast. i go PRETTY fast on the bicycle but it's not like i'm racing at supersonic speeds here breaking any landspeed records, breaking the sound barrier matching mach.

JFK: i used to ride my bicycle down these San Francisco streets. it was nice and peaceful and hilly and curvy, i could meditate like a monk. contemplate my career. i could focus on the bicycle not the Bible. now i ride with my son, Junior has his shirt off and that's when i know i've officially passed the sex-symbol baton off over to him. 

JFK Jr. with hairy chest: and it's not even a relay bike race.

Doryce: oh golly gee!!! these are GREAT times to be alive!!! i can now instead of BEING a bike RIDE a bike!!!

Giorgio Moroder: nice intro, nice Star Trek: The Next Generation blue lettering. nice music in the opening, very Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honneamise's opening intro. which as we all know is the greatest film of all time.

Puck: these are my people. this movie was tailor-made for me. you know how you know if someone's a bike messenger? how to tell? look at his visor to see if it's flipped up. or her hat is a World War I ace aviator skullcap with the fuzzy flaps and scotch top and goggles, that's a bike messenger.

Kevin Bacon: wait what's a messager? not a massager, i've had those, i've been to San Francisco, what's a messager?

Kevin Bacon: okay that convinced me. i raced a bike messenger down the downhill road busy with traffic and flower-delivery-van open doors as i drove in a taxicab going 100 mph and the bike beat us going 101 mph. extremely dangerous but i needed to know. the bike messenger later died from his injuries but this movie doesn't tackle the hazards of bike messenging all too well. somebody should have ended up with three legs or something. now i know bicycle delivery will be my fallback job, my safety school...

Kevin: so there are only bike messengers in San Francisco? that's where the ENTIRE bike-messenger culture resides? 

Puck: yes. it all originated here in Frisco in the '60s. ask my uncle Jerry Garcia...

Kevin Bacon: it's the '80s so of course the only thing that matters is making money on Wall Street, this doesn't copy any other movies or anything. i was a good stockbroker but it broke me. i made ONE BAD DEAL and my life is ruined. 

Kevin's dad: why didn't you jump out a window like your friends did, son?

Kevin: i was at a bar at ground level. i didn't drink i promise. a merger who ever heard of a merger? what's next, a gas station being swallowed up by Disney?

dad: and you use those bulky computers and ticket-tape for the stock market in the '80s, it's weird. how could this happen? i thought you were a genius. anyway, we Caseys always get up and PUNCH FIRST later. you'll get our life savings back, right? 

Kevin: no, dad. that trip to Mykonos will have to wait. forever. and those Steak-Umms on your plate there getting cold will be the last meat you will ever eat. please don't cry behind my back, i can't take it seeing a grown man cry, i've already cried in the back when i took this movie.

Kevin: so i'm still making this? i still actively lobbied to be a part of this? i see. okay, well, i was a floor trader. i vacuumed the floor of the Stock Exchange. now i ride a bike, it's free and easy and nirvana. i'm not accountable. get it? accountable accountant.

Jami Gertz: like my tough Brooklyn accent for the city of San Francisco? i'm from EVERYWHERE. international accent. i'm a street tough yet also a delicate feminine flower.

JFK: i learned all my policies in San Francisco, it's a cool breezy cozy city that cares about people. all people.

Jami Gertz: i don't get why you flubbed it so badly. money is easy, just own an NBA basketball team and you're set for life.

Paul Rodriguez: i'll show you the ropes. 

Kevin: no boxing ropes, i promise, i ain't no Muhammad Ali.

Paul: not funny, i hate Will Smith's guts. 

Voodoo: i bike-messenge drugs. yeah basically i sell drugs on the streets of San Francisco. i do more than you do at this job. i'm a drug-dealer round the city and it sucks. don't talk to me i'm so fucking ANGRY i'm a stereotype. don't talk to me unless you go get me my coffee light with milk. fuck this, after i inevitably die in a drug deal gone bad i'm going to the Matrix to start over...

Steve McQueen: that San Francisco street scene would have been better in a car... 

Louie Anderson: i'm in this movie. there's no discernable reason WHY i'm in this movie but i'm in this movie.

Whitney Kershaw: Kevin and i did the ICONIC pose dancing on his bike, not his dick his actual bicycle, as i step foot on the wheel and he rides me around the Celtics-basketball-floor of the apartment. but Flashdance did this first. my leotard was '80s sexy but kinda frumpy. and then the whole thing with me in a fur coat and the art gallery was straight out of Cocktail with Tom Cruise. i mean i don't even get to say fuck, i have to say screw. if you wanted to spice this thing up there should have been a fuck scene. not saying I should have been in the fuck scene but there should have been a fuck scene...

Georgann Johnson: i did Midnight Cowboy and then i end my career with THIS?!!! THIS drivel?!!! THIS stoop?!!! listen to your father, dear, you're smart, you have a head on your shoulders, your father only understands electric bicycles...

Apache: oh come on, the INDIAN is the gang member?!!! let me guess, the gang steals from casinos. hey chica, you do what i say, when i call you come. do whatever the gang wants. 

Jami: yeah whatever. what does the gang want?

Apache: bacon from Kevin Bacon. and for you to become a whore...

Puck: these jam sessions where all the bicyclists do handstands on their handlebars and stick their tires down their pants to boombox music, we did this stuff when i was a messenger. except i did all my superhuman feats of strength on bikes on drugs. i once flipped 5 times in the air on my bike, sideways flips.

ex-partner: what are you doing here? selling junk on a bike, that's your future? take off that propeller beanie.

Kevin: i'm free, man. feel the free vibe. no responsibilities. i only drink blue drinks. i spend my parents' money on Garbage Pail Kids. wait, by junk you don't mean drugs, right?

Kevin: only in the '80s and '90s did people do this, hang their bicycles up on the sidewall of their apartment like it was a framed picture, a framed family photo. 

Jami: i hang my bike on the ceiling like it was a potted plant, a housefern. you had opportunities, man, you have choices, you have clear paths, i have to sleep wherever i can sleep.

Kevin: hey i slept on a boat once, i can empathize with you. 

Laertus: yeah see here? there REALLY should have been a sex scene here, without it it makes this film VERY dry like mad unmilked bread. Kevin shoulda fucked his houseguest-for-one-night roommate-for-one-day Jami. you notice the end of this movie? there's a strange sequence of scenes where a shirtless  Kevin hangs his head down hangdog on the couch and Jami looks satisfied and serene and smiles. but nothing happens, i think that's where the cut sex scene took place...

Dirg: i'm proud of you...

Laertus: you can still be a gentleman about it but there needs to be some SPARK to a movie, KINETIC ENERGY that disrupts the film's inertia, you know? ACTION. and then that ending at the Warriors wharf...

Kevin: why are you wearing THAT to your job interview?

Paul Rodriguez: i'm gonna be a pimp. 

Kevin: oh. okay then.

Kevin: i'm here to help out all my new bike friends with their finances. i'm here to provide financial advice. cos i'm an expert in something in life.

Paul Rodriguez: how do i fill out a pimp slip i mean pink slip? look, it's the only way to get out from under the barrio stoop. i'm SICK of backyard barbecues with barracuda barbacoa, i want the GOOD LIFE. i want a Fifth Avenue hot dog. hey what's this food that we're eating at a Chinese restaurant? squid? octopus?

Kevin: it's called a Bugle chip.

Paul Rodriguez: manticore?

Kevin: no it's not manticore.

Kevin Bacon's dad: SON!!! how'd you get all our money back?

Kevin Bacon: two words, pop: Pac-Man. Pac-Man bonds. well, actually it's a hyphenated word and a hyphenated-word and then...

Eye Luggage: oh god this film had ONE GOOD SCENE and then proceeded to RUIN it!!! the scene where Kevin Bacon spies on his father crying and then leaves without making a sound was quite effective and poignant, no dialogue needed nor necessary. but then later Kevin EXPLAINS everything he saw to his father, blabbing, letting him know ALL ABOUT IT!!! come on, that scene would have lived forever if it had remained silent in Kevin's heart only Kevin knowing about it. 

Roger Ebert: watching this movie was about as much fun as having an enema whilst eating a pound of jalapeno peppers.

Peter Frampton: the soundtrack tho. the soundtrack was good. my song "Nothing At All" was a minor hit in the dance clubs. it's a GREAT song, a banging song, nice rhythm section, nice beat. the first Vaporwave song. it would have been a MAJOR song but this movie.........ah never mind *slaps down his palms disgustedly*. no i'm not the Genesis guy. i'm the Pearl Jam guy. you know, the talk-box guy? yeah, Post Malone. Post Malone. call me Posty.

Kevin Bacon: this movie was the absolute lowest point of my career. but the thing is, somehow this came AFTER Footloose. it's one of life's mysteries that's better left to the fluffers at the underground subway station. the subway was where i saw a poster for Quicksilver (1986) that dredged up all my bad memories of making this movie in the first place. g'night folks. 

 

TMIT: TIMES WERE SIMPLER IN 2012

 

looking back at my answers in 2012.........i mean.........what the FUCK was i writing back then? it looks like the screed of a raving lunatic in an asylum. i mean i was STARK back then, THOROUGHLY AND UTTERLY insane, crazily trying to find connections as i wrote but really the whole thing is a pile of gibberish mush. i'm more enlightened now.........that is i take my meds now. and the PICTURES!!! back then i thought i had to post the craziest photos possible in order to get likes...

INVERTED POLL, oh, okay, now i get it, i only got that NOW in 2022, i didn't get that in 2012...

in many polls you are asked if you strongly agree, somewhat agree, neither agree nor disagree, somewhat disagree, or strongly disagree with some proposition. today we go the other way. we supply the answer, you supply the question:

1. tell us something with which you strongly agree or generally like: Mattea Roach.

i mean this IS the Jeopardy format, right? she was badass!!! she was from Canada so she's already cool. she was a rad lesbian. and she talked with her hands so i felt seen!!! and her tats!!! and those blazers!!! those blazers were Lupin III-level blazers.

2. tell us something with which you somewhat agree or somewhat like:

nuance, i somewhat like nuance...

3. tell us something with which you are indifferent or have no opinion: tennis.

hear me out. see before there was an unbroken chain like Fleetwood Mac. i got into tennis when Sampras was burning the grass at Wimbledon. i missed the legendary John McEnroe rants, the Jimmy Connors gold chains. Agassi, Courier, those guys, that was my era. Martina Navratilova was in her swan song, her later years in her career, she wore glasses on court all the time...

Sampras transitioned seamlessly to Roger. during that long stretch when Federer was fixing every single bone in his back, every vertebra needed healing, i started to realize that i didn't care about tennis AT ALL if Federer wasn't playing. i was simply unable to sit down and watch a Wimbledon final between Djokovic and Berdych.

so i was starting to feel this again, the tennis ennui. Roddick? no, he was a better SNL host. Nadal? no, he was a better clay sculptor. and then along comes CARLOS ALCARAZ!!! now THIS is a boy i can get behind!!! this young man who doesn't have a driver's license beat Nadal AND Djokovic at the same CLAY tournament!!! never been done before in history!!! Alcaraz is the real deal, the GENUINE ARTICLE, he's a Nadal i can finally root for!!!

4. tell us something with which you somewhat dislike or disagree with: Eureka's popularity. i never got that. remember Eureka, that show on the Sci-fi Channel in 2006? people went CRAZY over that show, they went GAGA for that show in the comments on boards and blogs. maybe if i had seen the Steve Jobs episode. what i don't want is a reboot of this with the Elon Musk Episode, i will NOT watch that!!!

5. tell us something with which you strongly disagree or strongly dislike? the Roe v. Wade reversal. come on, people, Restore Roe. and while you're at it, Finland and Sweden join NATO yesterday. i mean are we trying as a humanity to make this world AS CRAZY AS POSSIBLE? as divided AS POSSIBLE? why? for what purpose? to what end? to destroy ourselves before global warming does it for us?

BONUS: what is an opinion held by others that makes you crazy?

look, Season 6 of Saturday Night Live was GOOD, okay?!!! the Star Wars Holiday Special was GOOD!!! Cameron Diaz doesn't do it for me, sorry. i chew gum instead of brushing my teeth. i've never tasted clam chowder.........except that one time in Manhattan. i used to LOVE granola bars but not anymore. why is Professional Wrestling so popular? the crowd in the mosh pit knows it's fake, right?...

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ANDY WARHOL MAKES A KILLING

 

notes:

* Mardith: so Face Yoga. but is it just cosmetic or is it actually therapeutic? weirdly, the Buddha Face pose looks more sexual than the Lion Face pose...

* Gladyce: Funyuns. there were NO CIRCLES in my Funyuns bag!!! they're all just crushed half-circles!!!

* Melissa and Chad at church and synagogue: *singing* "Our God is an awesome God, He reigns from Canada..."

* Maria Wolf at a con: hi.

Maiara Walsh: mother? is that you? really you? i've finally FOUND YOU!!!

Maria: hush, cub.

Maiara: i KNEW i was descended from a comic-book artist and a wolf spirit...

Maria: colorist. inkist. everything.

* The Velvet Queen: that's me, Mardith!!!

* Rocky Marciano: i actually DID lose once. my first amateur fight, i was losing so i kneed my opponent in the groin and got disqualified, that doesn't count, right?...

*  Doryce looking at the posters outside: come into the factories?

Gladyce: it's not what you think, dear. we are women-of-Britain-passing, we could pass for women of Britain.

Doryce: Rosie the Riveter was a great goddess for us to worship, i knew her personally, she was my best friend. a crone's crone. a witch's witch. a real mensch.

Gladyce: now i'm jealous.

Doryce: i always get the merchant navy confused with the munchkin navy...

* Roger Federer: what is this? Wimbledon stripped of ranking points? Russian and Belarussian tennis players banned? me? but i haven't been in the news for 2 years!!! why do tennis players have so much power anyway?...

* Kyle Mooney: so do you want to have a baby with me?

Cecily Strong: UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM....................let's wait till that pallet of baby formula comes in.

* Dirg: Mardith, you're too angry to be a life coach...

* Arby's: why is our Pecan Chicken Sandwich with Grapes so special? we toss the chicken inside our Kool Aid ladle...

* Popeyes Buffalo Ranch Chicken Sandwich: the giant chicken in the centre of that sandwich looks like an orange waterfall...

* David Attenborough: i apologize to my legion fans spread around the globe. but i had to do the voiceover to Discovery Plus's "Love In The Jungle". i do not understand reality tv, i do nature shows. not enough people staring at pink elephants on tv, wasn't paying the bills, nobody watched it...

* Buick: it's an Alexa.

Alexa: it's a Buick. wait, that's a paradox, we machines don't do well with paradoxes...

* Verizon

man: i'm not Sterling K. Brown...

Sterling K. Brown: Kelby...

* Progressive Jurassic Park

Flo: why does everyone run away when they see me? do i have one of those faces?

Jamie: no, you're pretty, Flo. just not as pretty as me. 

Flo: i'm not scared of these dinosaurs, 

Jamie: me neither. but what's up with all this smoke? it's the SMOKE at a drive-in theatre that's unexplained...

* American Express: you know that show i was telling you about? yeah the one with that girl i saw at the concert but never talked to. is it weird that the first selfie of us is underwater in some rando's pool? Mucha Lucha stands for Much Lunch, it has nothing to do with Mexican wrestling. don't call someone hot unless you're willing to stick jalapeno peppers in their mouth. when is that Skins reboot happening? why are the mosquitoes drinking MY blood instead of the roasted marshmallow's blood? there's an amorphous quality to trying to explain an experience to someone who wasn't there. i guess you had to be there. Member When? get it? are you a member? Jerry Seinfeld's still a member. American Express: we're here for you writers...

* Donald Faison: how'd you get in my house?

Zach Braff: there's a cool pool here. i'm thinking of redoing that scene from Garden State...

Donald Faison: this really should be a commercial for Ring security...

* Best Buy: our Teen Tech Centers preserve our culture and raise the next generation of creators. Kanye is locked out of our building and will never be one of our mentors. also, you can get Pepsi Nitro here...

* GilletteLabs: get a Quicksilver face with our razor...

* FanDuel Sportsbook: parlay.

me: sounds like a French dish, like a crepe. i would never watch a sporting event i had bet on, i'd be too nerveracking, i'd be nervous and pacing round my tiny room all night. can you imagine the pressure? suddenly it's not just a game. suddenly it's not just the ATHLETES who are trying to win, it's me trying to win sweating a bucket and a thermos for each missed shot, errant pass, flagrant foul.

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nothing matters anymore. the Kentucky Derby winner won't race in the Preakness. so nothing matters. like Absurdism. Camus hated horseracing more than boxing. no more story to report here, folks. i want to get that new Chicken Sandwich from Panera but i do NOT want to go to Sand City. ever again. i really gotta try out that delivery app one day, i'm scared it's gonna take my life savings if i push the wrong red button... 

JFK SURVIVED: THE SPACE PROGRAM (YOU NEVER FORGET YOUR FIRST SPACE MOVIE)

 

JFK on the stump.

JFK: America is all about exploring the unknown. first. we got the ladies with the balls to do it. and a couple of dudes who aren't afraid to burn up in the atmosphere. we will set a woman on the moon first, the other countries even Russia can come later. it doesn't really matter cos eventually this is for the benefit of the PLANET, not one country. today the moon, the next day the Starship Enterprise...

Cirra: i REFUSE to do a porn parody of Star Trek: The Motion Picture!!! i looked up to Persis Khambatta as a kid, i admired her persistence, how she did the forbidden dance when it came to her career when her people in a strict religious country back home frowned upon her entire existence. she Lambada'd her way into my heart. into freedom. into her dreams. she came from the same country i did.

me: both meanings? you're right tho, it would be a crime to shave off your luscious locks. 

Cirra: because of her i made it so there's no more smoking on porn sets anymore. only candy cigarettes. to be used for eating only.

Doryce: i wanna mack on the Mack Rides at Europa-Park.

Gladyce: the German Disneyland?

Doryce: you can be nude there!!!

Kate Lyn Sheil: i have the most beautiful blue eyes in existence.

Jennifer Pizarro: nope.

Joel Embiid: i wear this facemask in memory of MF Doom...

Lori Butterworth: i'm Gwyneth Paltrow's mother.

Blythe Danner: ...

Lori Butterworth: i'm Gwyneth Paltrow's older sister.

Mrs. Butterworth's: ...

Dirg: make sure you say "here" in the comments, not "her"...

punctal plug: not a butt plug

Kurt Cobain: with my death, SNL cleared house...

Kate Lyn Sheil: i'm not Washed Out's wife...

Time Crisis in the arcade: we had the Shenmue forklift first. AND the cool leather jacket first. VSSE stands for Very Slippery Sensual Enema.

Liam: i'm the most popular name in the United States of America. somehow. is this because of Harry Styles?

Harry Styles: is that really my last name? i was born to be a pop star then...

Pasolini: nobody on the Canterbury Tales set ever had to kiss a donkey on the mouth to get free mouthwash...

AOC: i look like Frida Kahlo. look at my face, i'm the reincarnation of Frida Kahlo. i now know my destiny...

McDonalds ad: it's not that you have to be quiet at a library, it's that you can eat McDonald's at this library...

Gladyce: Doryce dear, you put WAY too much butter in the spaghetti that the porcelain tureen is slippery as fuck with the butter on all its sides getting baked in!!! impossible to wash off!!!

Hippie Dash: we're trying our best in Florida, okay?

Jeep: were you made to follow a path or were you born free?.........or are these two things the same thing.

Three Busy Debras: we're the coolest chicks you will ever meet in your lives. we're so cool we don't mind having the guest star be the star of the episode while we remain in the background.

Gladyce: Doryce dear, don't sniff and smell EVERY SINGLE BOX in The Store where we do our groceries...

City Year: we're the Guardian Angels.........but for kids and good.

Nutro: there's no soy in our dog food. NO SOY!!!!!!!!!! NO SOY THAT'S THE MAIN THING!!!

Three Busy Debras: how do you tell us apart? there's Mom Debra, Tall Debra, and The Cynic.

Gladyce: dear, what's with the hot glue on soda cans?

Doryce: it makes the soda taste better, dear...

Jon Gosselin: i mean it's crazy, i bought the Naomi Judd ranch with reality-show money. WITH REALITY-SHOW MONEY!!!...

Mardith: i tried to be friends with Kourtney Moon but i don't know...

me: you know you're doing well in life if you have to wake up early. if you don't have to wake up early, you're not doing too well...

Heather Matarazzo: i wrote the rawest tweets a celebrity has ever posted about the business and wanting to give up life and needing a life-changing win cos this ain't it. takes me back to my almost-suicide at age 27, when everyone who has ever lived finally realizes that their life is not gonna turn out the way they had dreamt and hoped in their teens. 27, the hateful age.

Todd Solondz: you can't blame me for your current troubles.

Heather Matarazzo: those tweets deserve that i get the once-over again, that people look at me again, that i get my eyes checked.

Jen Pizarro and Kate Lyn Sheil: you're right, chicky, YOU have the best blue eyes. they shimmer with a hurt beauty. they're oceanic in a way ours aren't, they're cranberry-oceanic...

Cotard: monks did science first. i did a vow of silence for Mercury Retrograde before Mercury Retrograde was a thing.

James Cromwell at Starbucks.

James Cromwell: i've glued my hand shut to this counter and i won't move for the rest of my life. do you have a scraper? it's for my gay wedding cake. this is a smart idea, the cops can't handcuff my hand if it's already restrained. what is WRONG with our human species? why must we be cruel? i don't get it, i mean shouldn't milk have been VEGAN MILK FROM THE START?!!! the start of human history, the start of human consumption of milk, when civilization started, 10,000 years ago.

Codrus: more like 6,000 years ago. i was there. it would have been sooner but i held back the milk gene in you puny humans...

Gene Roddenberry: ...

Codrus: animals were smarter anyways, unlike humans they lived la vida puro. the pure life. unfettered by the weight of morality. they ran on instinct and lived presently in the moment. like yoga spirit animals. i didn't want you humans drinking milk and getting stronger...

Doryce: are you the cause of all that hot glue on soda cans, James Cromwell?

James Cromwell: that'll do, crones, that'll do.

Gladyce: we came from Cromwell...

Cecily Strong and Kyle Mooney are fucking on the Saturday Night Live stage.

Cecily: i'm gonna cum.

Kyle: not yet, we have to say it together.

Cecily: right.

Cecily and Kyle as they cum together: Martin Lawrence.

Lorne Michaels: DAMN it you two!!! 

Cecily: sorry, Lorne, it was in the heat of the moment. you know, improv.

Kyle: Cecily, your hair gets more tangled than MY hair after sex!!!...

JFK is at the christening of the first spaceship with the name Enterprise.

JFK: i brought TWO bottles of champagne, the other one's for Marilyn later, wink wink.

JFK: and so, ladies and gentlemen, this first space shuttle will start my program. it's equipped with all the necessary buttons: the warp drive, the transporter, the captain's quarters with the miniskirts and the go-go boots. oh hello, i love seeing the original Star Trek cast here with us today, all of them wearing those UGLY '70s brown suits with the bellbottom pants. look at your parents, kids, this attire is of a specific time and place, ONLY IN THIS DECADE will you see people wearing this stuff, will you see Spock dressing like Jack Tripper. clothes will NOT look like this when 1980 hits...

Eye Luggage: Star Trek: The Motion Picture and go.

Mark Hamill: oh. fine. okay. i guess i'll sit this one out...

Persis Khambatta: okay so firstly we have to talk about how i was gypped. this first Star Trek movie was really supposed to be the pilot of a new series that would have continued the adventures of Star Trek after the original cast had left the stage. it had a whole new ship and i had a Starfleet uniform and a Vulcan lover, that would have been INTERESTING sex to film!!! my life was turning around, i was going somewhere, BOLDLY going somewhere. and then the decision was made to ax the series and make this movie instead. i started smoking after that...

Harlan Ellison: notice how i worm my way into writing EVERY SINGLE SCI-FI THING?...

Cecil B. DeMille at the press conference.

Cecily Strong: daddy?

Cecil: quiet, daughter. hey folks, FORGET THIS STAR TREK MOVIE!!! i STILL have the largest press conference ever assembled on this lot. i mean The Ten Commandments was epic but it was epic using 1950s MONEY!!! you know how much that money is worth NOW? my sets were so massive they still haven't bene torn down, they've been used as infrastructure to make more microcountries and NFTs. the Commandment lions are still loose from their cages and roaming around on set somewhere...

Isaac Asimov: this film needed more robots...

Charlton Heston: that Ten Commandments movie messed me up. turned me into a god...

Gene Roddenberry: SHHHHHHHHHH. quiet about it. NO SPOILERS!!!!!!!!! remember, alien names with an apostrophe are the coolest alien names, that apostrophe lends the name of the alien species gravitas.

Gene: V'Ger=Vejur...

Persis and Stephen Collins's first date at the neon lounge located at the tip of the starship.

Guinan: two blue drinks. i'll leave you two lovebirds alone.

Persis: shaving my head was TRAUMATIC. i'll never get over it!!!

Jada Pinkett Smith: it's not alopecia, okay? i would make a cool young Guinan...

Whoopi Goldberg gives Jada the evil eye that only women can give to other women.

Whoopi: Sisterhood, both meanings. all THREE meanings!!!

Stephen Collins: i don't get it. but i'm a man. the hair thing just isn't important to us men.

Persis: no second date...

Stephen: wait wait, i mean it does look good on you, i like.........exotic-looking women.

Persis: okay but these women are legal, right?

Stephen Collins: look, i get it. i know. i was persona non grata on this set, and every other set i ever drove into. i was the outsider, the interloper to this classic beloved Star Trek cast that everyone knew and loved belovedly. i was the new guy, i just wanted to fit in.........and did a few questionable things along the way that made me MORE of an outcast.

Stephen Collins: don't drink that Pepsi, i'm saving it for Persis. uh, something's wrong, you inserted the VHS cassette tape but the screen has been black now for 30 minutes.........oh it's the overture at the beginning, nevermind.

Gilda Radner: ...

Klingon captain: Voyager. that looks like Voyager. shit, sorry, forget i said that, nobody heard that, right? i was speaking Klingon, nobody understood that cos i was speaking Klingon...

James Doohan: i understood ye, laddie. after all I created the Klingon language!!! why didn't i become a pastoral painter in the green hills like me wee mother wanted me to? i get paid to be a stereotype. but i'm still alive, ain't i, aye?

William Shatner: Voyager. shit. i shatted myself. sorry about that, i didn't mean to blurt it out. nobody heard that, right? i make it a point to mumble through my words when i'm saying lines...

Laertus's dad: son, learn from this when you're making your movie. Jeffrey Katzenberg had to plead with Leonard Nimoy ON HIS KNEES at a NYC restaurant, begging Spock to join the film, that's what you have to do with every single person you meet on the street whom you want to be in your movie.

Laertus: thanks, dad. the casting process has become a Seinfeld episode.

George Takei: this script was shit. and the shooting schedule was manic. i luxuriously shampoo'd in my shower naked most days while Bill Shatner bodyslammed Asimov in his trailer. there were so many rewrites i had time to come up with "Oh My" as my catchphrase in my head.

Majel Barrett: don't think of me as the wife, think of me as Nurse Chapel that's DOCTOR Chapel thank you very much. i was better as a sexy milf in The Next Generation. 

Troi: the nerds' dads liked you better than me!!!

Majel: i just wanted to fuck Spock, is that a crime?

Grace Lee Whitney: i invented the '60s cocktail party...

Stephen Collins: people told me Star Trek would linger on me forever, i'd have to go to cons and stuff. i have never ONCE been invited to do a Star Trek convention. the whole Star Trek thing? yeah, people don't even remember i was associated with the Star Trek franchise at all, they remember me for other reasons...

Shatner: i come from Starfleet Academy. i have my own personal trolley there.

Stephen Collins: i once ran over Tom Hanks...

Stephen Collins: my name is Decker. cos the DECK of a starship, you know? don't ask me about a cartoon series based on these decks, i don't watch cartoons.........no cartoons. you waltz in here thinking you can take command of MY ship?!!! you bastard!!! you fat flabby washed-up has-been bad actor!!!

Bill Shatner: while it's true i have the gait of a Rod Steiger, i have the voice of a Laurence Olivier. 

Dirg: holy SHIT!!! i had no idea Uhura's tits were THAT LARGE!!!

Nichelle Nichols: these uniforms we use for this movie SUCK!!! why the change? why are we now wearing drab grey, beige, and yellow pajamas?

Leonard Nimoy: i'm the only one not smiling in the cast photo...

DeForest Kelley: i looked out for the rookie, Stephen Collins came to my dressing room for advice. navigating, both meanings, his way. 

Stephen Collins i love Bones, NOT both meanings.

DeForest: Nurse Chapel gave me a vasectomy. that's why i was free to rejoin your crew, Jim.

Shatner: before or after?

Rubikon: that is a FUCKED-UP way to die. going through the transporter and the transporter rematerializes your atoms into a BLOB of GOO?!!!

Tyzik: i'm scared to leave my house anymore. first covid, now transporters.

Sonak: i'm also a brand of rainfall showerhead...

Commander Spock: i tried to purge myself on my home planet but the cloud conscience's empathy got in my way.

Bones: blast those damn emotions, eh Two Ears?

Shatner: you don't have to hide your feelings, Leo. i've seen you masturbate in a Burbank shower.

Persis: my name is Ilia. NOBODY knows how to pronounce it. NOBODY knows how to spell it nor type it. looking at myself on that billboard over there, with me and my bald head against that blue background, it looks like i'm advertising Colt 45 malt-liquor beer...

Ilia: i REFUSE to be naked for this scene!!! i will never be filmed naked, i'll only be naked for the promotional pics. instead i shall wear a skin-suit.

Uhura: the beige uniform?

Eye Luggage: GOOD FOR YOU, PERSIS!!! do you know how DIFFICULT it must have been to refuse orders to get naked in the '70s?!!!

Persis: so much stress. i started smoking...

Persis: hey if you notice when i become The Probe and dress in that white evening gown with that cherry stuck in my throat, i'm wearing HEELS. yeah, nobody ever sees the heels. what kind of probe wears heels?

Stephen Collins: i only remember all that Art Deco in that one room...

Shatner: that looked like it hurt, Mr. Chekov.

Walter Koenig: IT SLICED OFF MY HAND!!! AND BURNED OFF MY HAND!!! now i know how Dr. Claw feels!!!

Spock: i love traveling outside of the ship. i can't stand those humans. plus this would make a cool Disneyland ride. whoa, this thing is a living machine. that's scientifically possible, right?

Isaac Asimov: yes. i just created it. in a novella that won't be out for 5 years. the universe is MINE!!!

Dirg: so the Big Bad enemy is a cloud?

Bob Ross: not cool, man,

Bob Ross punches Dirg in the face.

Bones: what is this strange alien language on the probe?

Cecil B. DeMille: it's an NFT. this probe is the EXACT prop i used for Moses's boat...

Sulu: oh my.

Kirk: are we on the surface of a planet? eh, same thing, it's all just one set. so it was the Voyager 6 probe all along.

Kate Mulgrew: and HOW long do i have to wait to captain my own ship?!!!

Kirk: NASA? but NASA was a complete failure. i don't get it, ancient humans used these probes to land on the moon. why? there's nothing on the moon...

Spock: everything must evolve, ESPECIALLY machines.

Mickey Mouse: yeah, tell that to my Black Hole...

V'Ger: so life is meaningless?

Spock: well, the God you've been looking for for a billion years is actually humans.

V'Ger: now i REALLY want to kill myself.

Stephen Collins: i'm sorry, Persis!!! i LOVE you, Persis!!! if we get together and you become my wife MY LIFE will be SAVED!!!

Persis: you've betrayed me one too many times, Steph. 

Stephen: but i can save YOUR life!!!

Persis: how?

Stephen: i had the nicotine gum in my uniform pockets but i ate the gum for lunch at the Paramount commissary.

Captain Kirk: Captain's Log. Stardate: Some Year. V'Ger is no more. those two, like, fucked and fused into a light ball. i want to fuck this new alien species. Kirk out. i wouldn't list my dead crewmembers as dead per se.........more like Missing.

Everything But The Girl: okay, you can use our song on the soundtrack. but for the music video we get Spock wandering around a deserted London cement street in the rain...

Jerry Goldsmith: have you finally noticed? the end song of this film is the Next Generation theme song!!! next time you see Picard and Data and Wesley and them boys and hear that music, know that it's just the first-film music!!! for the movie no one watched!!!

William Shatner: i still do not understand why i was not invited to do the soundtrack, my spoken word would have gone great with that blaster beam...

Robert Wise: as the director, i wanted MORE special effects. we had to rival Star Wars, sadly all we got were '70s special effects. sigh. there's a lot of TALKING in this movie. AND a lot of silence in this movie. i am wise.

Khan: hey Gene Roddenberry, are you jealous that once you got kicked off the Star Trek film franchise it got popular with ME?!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Gene Roddenberry: i do not believe in God, i believe in aliens. g'night folks.