Wednesday, October 21, 2020

PENN PAT: BRAIN BISCUIT



Laertus: Celine and Jesse...…...i've been thinking about them all day, all night, ever since last week, month, year, prebirth hades. haven't stopped thinking about them. these two are the only people persons human beings who matter, their couplehood transcends religion science and the foible of emotion. they are here, holding up the firmament to existence...

Celine: we are real people, not personas. we are over there......in some country...so we are always here...in your mind...

Laertus: you two are my universe...

Jesse: thanks, man. you know it's funny. the diehards and casual fans all wanted us to fuck onscreen, right?...…...and, actually, we don't technically fuck on screen, we get interrupted by life problems before coitus...

Celine: so our next film is a crossover with The Boondocks where we get together at the barber shop and explore our attitudes to living in the Bump Era...

Dirg: see? this is the problem with projects. this is the problem with reddit. this is what happens when you actually DO decide to collab on Instagram...

Gladyce: wipe the butter off your knife BEFORE you put it in the dishwasher...

Doryce: capital idea! save the butter for the tub...

at The Treehouse, the stroingy strands of Mardith's hat mixes with the crushed legs and wings of an unfortunate spider in the tub...

Dirg: Maci Currin...…...jus' sayin'...

Kaiti Brosh joins the Orchid Girls...

Rubikon: my moms was telling me this: it's weird how the word covid is still not recognized on a word processor after all this time, it's still marked as a misspelled word...

after watching Jim Cantore on The Weather Channel on their tv Dirg rubs heating oil on himself at LUSH...

Whistling Queen joins the Orchid Girls...

Gladyce: it was ironic when we were on vacation. i know, you're thinking to yourself, these old bats have it made in paradise on this island! but there's no Disney Store here. a Starbucks but no Disney Store. we went down to Florida like a couple of good bluehairs not for the earlybird special but for the Goofy hats. and the Winnie the Pooh pants...

Doryce: it's only fair that i can stroll the park bottomless if Winnie and Donald can. 

Gladyce: so i played a mind-game on myself to keep my mind limber. i deliberately bought you the Winnie the Pooh pants with Winnie bottomless on the pants to be---as the kids are these days---wearing something ironically...

Doryce: great, thanks, that reminds me, Halloween and Christmas are canceled this year...

Dirg: culture is canceled...

Doryce at Starbucks chugs an entire bottle of Irish Cream straight no chaser...

Mardith: i'm a 100-pound goth!!! i can't do 100-degreees, I WILT!!!

Mardith: when it's midnight and it's 80-degrees out, THAT is a crime against nature and humanity...

Laertus: i just want to live in a cold, liberal place...

Dirg: you mean a cold liberal place...

Eye Luggage: but not frigid, dear...

Doryce: go head, make my day, vagrants. you can't rob the Treehouse cos all our cobblestone driveways are littered with crunchy leaves...

Codrus: tell me when you're naked...

Takahashi: in the early mornings i have to compete with the trash truck! i almost crashed my car ramming it into the trash truck getting out of the driveway this morning!!!

Beth Evans after taking over Burger King joins the Orchid Girls...

Gladyce: the bean-curd of the bacon tho! the oil scrapings with a spoon, it's so good!!! the seasalt sea-cucumber snail trail...

Doryce: just watch out for the worm in the drink, dear...

Dr. Vacc: so i'm not looking at the remdesivir dailies anymore...

Mardith: there's one way to avoid being canceled...DON'T JOIN TWITTER!!!

Jack Dorsey: that's what i've been saying!!!

Takahashi: most Starbucks now are inside grocery stores...

Mardith to Pons and the crones: WOW! we're like Sex & The City! shall we go to the dead mall or...?

Eye: *alone in the abandoned mall* why wasn't i invited…?

at the club in the casino, Madame Pons and Mardith are dancing together when Robert Miles's "Children" comes on:

Pons: thank you i don't need the reminder thanks!!! haven't met the right m...magic person yet...

Mardith: magic manic person...

Mardith: *hands in the air* THE IBIZA LIFE, BABY!!!

Run The Jewels: run the train on Jewel Kilcher...

Dirg: Showfields is just the New York City version of Macy's...

Dirg: ...and better than Macy's...and better than dat dude's Heat Gravitational Field of the Space Universe...

Mardith: shall we anon to Cafe du Monde or The Saint club in Manhattan?...

Madonna: The Saint. obviously. i'm a saint. that's where i got it all from...

Orchid Girls: PLEASE JOIN THE ORCHID GIRLS, MISS MADONNA!!!

crones: AND THE CRONES BACK AT THE OLD COUNTRY!!! YOU RELATE TO BOTH GROUPS!!!

Gladyce: oh i feel for anyone who has to do their monthly grocery shopping on the weekends...

Doryce: my psoriasis shampoo is like dumping a tub of gnat-filled gasoline on my head...

Mick Fleetwood: put that stuff in me beard...

Stevie Nicks: i was the original Cassie from Skins!!! the original Celine! if i didn't get an abortion and had Don Henley Jr., Fleetwood Mac never would have happened!!! but i just couldn't bear and bring to term a baby named Don Jr...

Mick: ironically, you fooled around with all the birds! i thought YOU were the bird! all The Eagles!!!

Stevie: bird is the sung word...

Dirg: why do Google videos of various fast-food joints around the U.S. all look like surveillance videos from Iran and China...?

Sian Massey-Ellis joins the Orchid Girls as their referee/negotiator...

Dirg: so what, you couldn't make it as a real footballer?...…...i mean on the women's team...wanna party?...

Doryce: Café Du Monde, remember how we learned French from that one bright boy in the powder-blue scratchy fuzzy '80s Yale sweater?

Gladyce: that was all you, honey, i remember when this place was the Morning Call Coffee Stand...

Dennis Miller: can you believe i used to be on SNL?...

Boc: when i opened the hose this morning, dust came out. my shoebox is now just a box of mud...

Doryce: Tootsie's Cabaret, that's where they give out the chocolate buttholes, right?...

Cotard: why does everyone have a podcast now?

Codrus: they're cheap...

Dirg: that Always commercial maxipad gilf grandma tho!!! DAT ASS!!!

Will Laren joins the Orchid Girls...

Mardith: i'm doing my pelvic floors in my new studio...

Pons: you mean your new catio...

cat familiars: that's just our apartment...

Takahashi arriving on the island in his new Javelin car: amazing animations being used on Monday Night Football...

Dirg: a lesbian can still be sexy...

Mardith to Dirg at the photography studio at the mall: i'm so glad i got to shoot you......with my camera that is...

Pons: that was MY camera...yuck! wipe the lens!

Gladyce: oh come on, Doryce! you got bananas at The Store, you expressly bought bananas, for the sole purpose of displaying them for an Instagram Instastory DM video with the music that "Bananas" song...

Dirg: Ted Owen…now what are you gonna do, Takahashi? you were limbering up your limbs getting ready for the Tokyo Olympics next year...your button-mashing finger anyway...Tanuki Mario cries teardrop as big as Tanuki Mario...

Jacqueline Scislowski: they wanted me to be another airhead cheerleader on Power Rangers. NO FUCKING WAY!!! if i'm gonna be a cheerleader it's gonna be on my own terms!!!

Dirg: didn't you go to cheer camp before this whole acting gig thing? let's see if my girl can ACTUALLY ACT. you're in a serious Lifetime Movie. Lifetime Movies, the crucible of all actors, some can't cut it, come drop like cis flies...

Jacqueline: not your girl...

Rubikon at the pharmacy: there's Melatonin in a bottle!!! are you fucking kidding me!!!?

Dirg: why reveal the Publisher's Clearing House grand winner on Halloween Day? people will think it's a dark prank...

at Clinton Hill in Brooklyn, Hilary is painting her toenails waiting for the returns to come in...

Hilary: i've already died on this hill. can we get Michelle to run already?...

Takahashi crashes into a byobu shoti screen:

Takahashi: whenever i go to a McDonald's now it's always accepting applications... 

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Mannequin, let's just get this over with. yes, it's Her before Her...

Dirg: i don't know what's creepier, a naked lady mannequin or a disembodied hot-lady voice...

Laertus: so this is a bad film. but it's one of those charmingly bad films, a GREAT bad film. it's big with the V A P O R W A V E set...

Eye: Ebert couldn't wait to get out of the theater. Siskel just wanted another John Hughes Chicago film...…...or another similar like it next week...

Dirg: Edfu? that's Mary Tyler Moore's boss who was always trying to sneak a peek...

Dirg: WOW! this came AFTER Pretty In Pink???!  thought things were supposed to go the other way! 

LaretisL in faorness, nobody rads the Ougmalion muth in school anymore cos evetryome tjinks George Brnard Djaw was an asshole... 

DorgL I know Sndrew McCarthy;s a hunk and next-in-line to play Bond James Bond bot when dfo we determine that thos guy;s a psychipath. how many naked-mannequin bodyparts dpes he need to play woth?

Melbourne: hey. look at me, I;m a success. I drive a luxury roadster car. and my luxury wife goves roadhead. 

Eye: hey this is a swet fnaystui. and this really is a fnatsty. a true fantasy. not like a Medieval fanatsy woth dragons and wizards and lakes and sex in pem fields.

Dorg: and Conan...   

Rye: a pure fantsty. like  agioc is involced bot absilutley no science fiction...

Leyis" though there are gyptian pharaohs. cow ding was more votal to th dbeloenent of ciivlizeuon than beer...

Forg; Swwoyjer> thtya should have been Meshach Taylpr;s name! 

cat fmailiars: Hesire? Cheshire? yeah we knew those kool jazz cats bacl in the day...

Mrdoth: this is where the zoicac leads you...

Pons: my TV GUIDE oroscipe always talks about takong adnactage of epole  takign good reliable firnds for granted, and ,oney stodd, but never love stuff...

Dpg: Philadlephia. THIS is where the elction will be won......in 1987...

Dorg: Kim Vattrall. she was peaking in the .8-s, she was in everuthing. if onlt she could see in the fture and realize Sex & The Coty would just tanrosh her repuautipn, it wa strash tv pure and simple. if onlt she could have left the business in the ;8-s on top and libed the reat of her daos woth her brother in Hawaii...

Dprg: Estelle getty, now you know she was taking thos seriously, this was only Year 2 of Godlen Gorls and the show dodn; get ff to a shale start, the procers tjouyght NO WAT a show about ol fpores would appeal to young people. Estelle genuinelt togytn the show would be canned so she was tlooking to her gototee...

Laerysu: Ja,mes Sapder tho, I mena what os he thinking doing thois> tale the check and get the hell out of the theater. and into some more xepirmental film in the future...

Fprg; what the ehll hapepend to carole davis!!!> what could have been! game shows> aythiong>! or is hse one of those choclate inheritresses?

Laeryis: it's still okay at thos time to clal gay men faiires...

Dog: ,,,and whote cops from Ohio racist supremacosts... 

Laeryis: the cop is ike Rambo...cos rambno is a v ery progitable film utrently...

EyueL I likle the message of tbhis filmL art.art. cfrwtaovorty,. passion, art will always trump business and money...

Dorg; I mena I wouldnlt ind ,kaing up one morning naked on the shint glass floor of a deparm,ent store. having slept on real fur. in fact I have that fanstatsy each ight. tgos rups off the Bacl To The Future clock in the clocktower...

Glayce to Doryce: not Macy;s btw. I;m still eyeing that Nonaj Foodie for Chrostmas!!!...

Fpryce I like the Nionja Foodie. it's bog and black.,,,

Lertis: aj it's so warm and nbsotlagic to see thos. thos was bacl when wondow displays at the front of stoers really mattered to slel emrch.

Thiem: and tennis palwts still wore OP shorts and wristbands on theor heads...

dprg; thios is exactly the Howard The Ducl rain scene! all mannqwuins look the same. you c na;t ne a loser of you have a morotcylt tho, right? wtahc out dude, Kim Cattrall isn't just a cougar, she;s a gilf!!! she OOOOOOOLLLLLDDDDD. and onlt he can see her aove lie she;s Xtewopr grofifn or something.

Dorg: MONTAGE!!! '80s MONTAGE!!! dance to all the music and steps and costumes f the alstc netury!!! ans the Fatal Dtractuon elevator!!!

DprgL anybdy else? the fucking scene---well the implied sex anyway---it reminded me of he glass-encased sex scene from Barbarella...

laeryis: Dorg...come on...you forgot to ention...all this prdocts the illennial incel sex-doll boom wer;e experiencing now...

Dorg: we've gor incrimiantong phoros...taken by Jimmy Olsen. a nd audnelt this becomes the terminator conveptr belt. you can't go in there! okay bot onlt if you don't paunch the CEO. I;M NOT CRAZY!!! IT;S ON THE TAPE!!! IT;S ON THE TAPE!!!

Laertus: the sex lies and videotape!!!

Rye: Estelle getty wouldn't have looked at the sex tape...…...but Sophia etrillo would have...

Eye: Jonathan Switcher was an artost, he was too goo for thos world. his world on green hedges wasn;t appreciated, he went on later t become Edward Scissorhands. visucit brain. I don't get that insult. biscuits are good! they're fluffy!

Dorg: and flaky! career Opprotunities borrows heavl from this, the setting especially, bot Career Oprotunuites is a better mocie. g'nght folks...

Laertus: jist think, klpost luckt=7 years later and we get a real boardroom scene in Hiscuskcer Proxy...

Stebie Nicks: if it wasn't for thos movie, the Dtarship megahpt song :Nothing;s Gonna dtop Us nOw; never would have happened, what a oss that would have eben for the world. you always have to think about it tat way. g'mnoght, folks.

Pat lays fown the lifeless still body of the mannequin Galivant onto thw power-blue ght curt. the bight tennis court. he removes the center net and spools it in a roll like a hoe, carefully placing each stop-signpshaed hole in the net on its axis.

Pat begins toc ry, bit he ehars a disembodied female voice...

galivant: it; me, pat. I'll nvr elave you no matete wat, even if I can't ,ove.

pat: am I going crazy wth geof?

Galivant; ni it's rally me, this was a lesson sent down form Sncoent rgypt or some foreogh  place to teach you a lesson, to elarn to appreciate me more. you don't know what ot's like till it's gone...

Pat: thatls it!

Galivant: you feel it now, right? what it's like to lose everything. you na never take your tennis, life, career maps, and loves for ranted.   

{at: hpw do I get you back? 

galiant; make love to me. 

Pat licks galivan;t bare mannequin vagona...

galivant: no not t;likle that, thatl creepy. making love piritually. in the mind. not my beaver, another kind of beaver mjust srad. the beaver of imagination.

Pat: I;ve got it. but I;m still sad.

fpr the forts time Pat can see the phoenii in the dstnce, on a hill in the night sky. it's so quoet on that hill despite the club casino boat below. Pat can hear the animals; berthong, it curtly cuts the night air ever so gently not making a peep. he can snese the shadpws of their long giragge encls swooping in every hour or so to collect the dark grass below. their goant wings comgreate and tuck inside in the box of theor sides. theor massive beacks cut a screscent in the blue moon.

Pat: that;s why people and the townsfolk and local is;land vllagers all claim that they never see the phoenii. they're there, they're just not moving. theor silhouettes swayon in the black. water vaoses them to light up. bit what causes them to sing?...   










Monday, October 19, 2020

TMIT: PHRASAL TEMPLATE FOR THE OLD TEMPLE




SCATTERGORIES!!!

1. when and how did you discover your passion for ___?

my passion for writing has always been in me, i just never saw it. it was a gift handed down to me by my untimely late beloved dearly-departed dad and his typewriter briefcase. but a sad thing happened on the way to the Forum: Kobe tributes. one day i was bored and popped open the briefcase, the three-digit triptych trip rote silver-rotor lock keypass was the same combination as my stanky P.E. locker at school i was hookying from. inside: one passionfruit, all seeds...

2. how has ___ changed your sex life?

the internet? it's a double-edged sword. on the one hand it's all fake and ether and nothing on the internet is real or has any semblance to an actual lived human life...and yet WITHOUT the internet i wouldn't have met the coolest people i know......and some cool celebrities who are just like we regular people...

3. what is something unique you do to ___ your ___?

it's all in the trick i mean wrist: how to turbocharge your gum: add water to it. it works. take your bigass wad of chewed dried desiccated gum with your vampyre bitemarks in it with no more flavor you scraped off your Keds and run it under the school-brick drinking fountain while the monsignor isn't looking......voila! instant return to rootbeer flavor...

4. what is the craziest ___ you've eaten while ___?

the craziest WAP i've eaten while under was down in Australia. see i was nervous around doctors, even when i brought my Mad Libs to the waiting room. so a female friend suggested to me to see a female doctor cos maybe i'd open up more. they're more gentle, she assured me. so i get there to my Woman Australian Practitioner and sure enough she was right! i closed my eyes as my hand is gently guided by her into the fishtank. the water is cold and sloshing. all the little biter fish surround my fingers and begin nibbling, it's such a peppermint sensation like little kisses all around my knuckles. before i knew it the exam was over. i love doctors now!!!

BONUS: is there such a thing as "too much information"? when?

Matthew McConaughey's dad died while having sex with his mom...






Friday, October 16, 2020

GLAD TIDINGS




notes:

* Malcolm Gladwell: for all my success, writing books about success is not what i was put on this Earth to do. i don't think of this as this thing that only i can do that needs to be done on this planet. like Malcolm McDowell, who was BORN to play the creepy milk dude from A Clockwork Orange
Kevin Hart: don't mind the dog, he's drinking all your milk...

* Malcolm:  do you know why i became a writer?
Kevin: couldn't get into Hollywood?
Malcolm: i was never able to crack a window when i was kid, never experienced air...

* Malcolm: have you read any of my many books, Kevin?
Kevin: well, sure! there was the one that opens up on a paragraph about...like a hockey team or something...yeah, and the lake is frozen...and you explain the one who eats the puck first knows what it's like to eat shit in life, you know cos of the cow puck---which where i come from is called a poo puck---hence that player is the most successful in life cos he's experienced hardship. great read...i thought it was a sports almanac and i wanted to get into hockey but...

* Malcolm: i'll make you a deal, Kevin, you get me into the Oscars and i'll write the patter for you...

* Malcolm: why does everyone have a podcast now? 
Kevin: it's trendy.
Malcolm: I HATE IT! give all your money to Tom Green, he invented podcasts!!!
Kevin: green, i get it.

* Malcolm: sleep stories...
Kevin: Malcolm? you nodded off there...
Malcolm: i die once a day, that's why i'm so successful...

* Malcolm: have you written a bestseller, Kevin?
Kevin: come on, man, we all know the only MasterClass that's actually on Audible is the Natalie Portman one for obvious reasons...

* Kevin: let me see your snuffbox.
Kevin: what? why is there powdered soy in here instead of snuff?
Malcolm: i'm SOY BOMB. i had the ideas for The Beatles and everything...

* Kevin: you know they're just making it seem that this is my house and we're in separate rooms but we're in the same room it's painted half.
Malcolm: i didn't notice, i was dead.
Kevin: how'd you get all this money? is that a Monet? how'd you afford all this fine art? all these paintings?
Malcolm: all the paintings you see displayed before you are stolen. i was the inspiration for Sideshow Bob...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i don't have a car anymore. a deer jumped in front of it. don't worry, the deer's fine. i have to walk everywhere now...

...so i can only go as far as my The Store. my local The Store. get me one of those readymade sandwiches. i love those sandwiches not only cos they're good and easy but cos of where they're stored: in that cool cooler. i climb inside that cooler and stay there till the next pallet slides into me... 

one time the butcher at Safeway winked at me. so i started a conversation with him. he had all gold teeth and one white tooth. he said his London broil was the best meat in all of downtown Pacific Grove. even the wooded areas. but then he said he had watched Bambi 100 times and memorized it and i was like "nope, nope" and walked out...




  

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

PENN PAT: MIDNIGHT IN THE GARDEN OF GOOD AND SEQUEL




Molly Q and Max Kellerman are spotted through the rustling Halloween howling dried twig treebranches of the most famous hotel in Paris, slipping through the back-entrance brick under cover of night and trash bins with a quickness the paparazzi only capture their chins...

Kim Jong-un gets up to the dais on his hands and knees. the mic is crackling because his tears are on it:

Kim: i'd like to address my people. the reason i'm crying is i was given the Putin vaccine... 

Mardith takes a strong hold of Dirg's hand:

Dirg: lick it...

Mardith: i want to knock some sense into your hand! knock around its lines! there's gotta be good SOMEWHERE in there! there's still hope for you! people nowadays for some reason are reverting back to astrology. like your supposed Sign has anything to do with it. 

Dirg: yeah, what is this, the Jack Tripper '70s!!!?

Mardith: it's about thinking. controlling thinking. so it doesn't control you. your sacred sacron sacrum is out of alignment...

Michael Weiss in a speedo: people asking for medical help for their children on Instagram...

Gladyce: don't have potatoes for weeks. two weeks. you're gonna savor that first fries, it won't taste like apple slices...

Takahashi: i like tv, but shows go on WAY too long. till there are just too many episodes. after the last cable outage, i decided i was just gonna watch the show and read the one review...

Dirg: AV Club?

Takahashi: Bubbleblabber. I GOT MY TIME BACK!!! when i realize all the time i've missed, all the shows i've missed, all i can do is binge all the shows at once, that's it, just the shows...

Toots Vosti, Ana Hard, and a cute girl with a pink ribbon in her hair and mary jane shoes by the name of Piper Sandler all join the Orchid Girls. all the Orchid Girls wear lace masks now...

Orchid Girls: we will not be replaced by the Gorjana Girls! they will not wrap themselves around our little neck!

Takahashi: i've never had tea at McDonald's...

Gladyce to Doryce: it's illegal to eat popcorn if you're not gonna clean up the mess of kernels on the floor...

Doryce to Dirg: when you're shucking corn ears for that matter all the corn strands everywhere...

Gladyce: why can't you pick up after yourself!!?

Doryce: i'm a naturally messy person, i can't help it...

Doryce: mail my sweepstakes lottery letter, walk all the way to the Post Office, you know vagrants like Dirg here steal our letters from our mailbox at night!!

Gladyce: at least extend me the same courtesy why didn't you go to the Post Office to mail my ballot!!? i could have gotten beaten up on the way!!!...

Rubikon: translators have to have razor-sharp memories like a trap...

Gladyce to Doryce: dear i appreciate you putting the new roll of paper-towels by the pole, but how bout next time you actually REPLACE the empty paper-towel roll?!...

Doryce: that's a long thick pole...

Dirg: the Keytruda commercial tho. notice how they run over the sidewalk curb? fellas, look out for these ladies...

Dirg: you know why there were no female Rangers guest-starring last week on the big combo show?

Teuila Blakely: no, why don't you enlighten us o male Zordon. we down here are all allies...

Dirg: cos they're all pregnant...

Lorne Michaels to Cecily Strong: i really don't know how y'all do it! you put together an entire show in a fucking week having NO IDEA what the fuck the show's gonna be about the week before!!!

Cecily: pay me more...

Dirg: SNL is biased against country music.  

Cecily: no, just country-music dudebros...

Kyle Mooney: at least there's no more time to do a Cut-For-Time cos of covid...

Dirg: curse you Midwood!!! oh how i hate Brooklyn! but i want a Midwood book cover as my wife...

Doryce: the mint from my red-state BBQ melted...

Dirg: when a celeb doesn't post at all on a Saturday, we all know what that means...…...she fucked on a Friday...

at Knott's Berry Farm, Mardith and Dirg are...well, together, by each other, not really a date...

the two are up perched in the Sky Cabin till Madame Pons breaks them up in her bumper car...

Pons: TERMINATOR!!!

Pons also gets in a fistfight with Madame Shadic...

Boc: i love doing all the lawns Sunday morning, the phoenii are not yet awake, the isle is quiet, and i hum my favorite Maroon 5 song through the real blue tulips...  

Laertus to Dirg: hey Dirg, you don't have to take the Vanquish when it's cool out, only when it's hot.

Dirg: i'm taking the Digital Headache Vanquish, the blue ones, is that the same as the regular ones? is my dealer ripping me off!!!?

Doryce to Gladyce: the trick, dear, is don't eat everything on your plate, no tongues out licking unless it's my wap...

Gladyce: Woman As President?

President Bump: the Norwegian woman on The Weather Channel STILL hasn't had her baby!!! fake news...

Doryce: no my clit. deliberately throw a quarter of the food away, that's how you stay thin...

Michael Weiss in a speedo: Instagram's just one big guilt trip...

Boc: I DID IT AGAIN!!! i watered the lawn courts without my special shoes!!! i still have the clay-court mentality!!! i spent the rest of the morning cleaning out the grooves of my tennis shoes with the same spoon i used to eat my Rice Krispies with that morning! my moms pops always told me to spool the hose so it doesn't look like a drunk snake. one of these days that hose is gonna break me trying to yank it over that cobblestone, pierced, all the water will come out like Mary Pierce...

John McEnroe: Mary Pierce lookin' like a snack at the 2020 French Open in that red dress...…...

Dirg: we must be aware of simp comments. you know the ones: long longwinded flowery comments taking up space talking about how her eyes are the oceans and his skin is the hot dog...

Laertus: so poetry. you're mad at poetry. don't get mad cos you can't write poetry like that. mad cos you can't hang poetry on her lantern like that...

Cotard: so before we begin, i'd just like to make my confession and say that it was indeed Thich Nhat Hanh.........he was the one who was my partner-in-crime that night, he was thicc as all get-out that night. he taught me how to fit 10 plums in my mouth...

Michael Weiss in a speedo: you get many likes on Instagram not cos you're likable, but because you're not a bot... 

Dirg: what's the point of being asexual?

Michael Weiss in a speedo: so you can eat a lot of food during your lifetime...

Takahashi: Seattle's 7-Eleven, i've never seen a 7-Eleven stashed tucked away in a classy department-store facade like that before.

Dirg: not like Macy's...

Eye: like it's a Rampage building...the arcade game...

Helen Rosner is the Orchid Girls cook...

the millennial Italian saint Carlos Acutis shipwrecks on the island...to prepare for Vatican...

Dirg: he's just a hacker...

Eye: Carlos, you're cute! well you were cute, island life you know...

Laertus: that PBS interstitial is SO inspiring!!! absolutely amazing and heartwrenching. Nova literally changes the direction and trajectory of accomplishment in this woman's life, from sleeping-in-her-car poverty to big ideas and outer space scholarship.

Eye Luggage: don't say she's a fat chick, Dirg...

Dirg: can't say that about the space black guy...

Tyzik: Colin Farrell on The Batman set? that's Christopher Meloni filming his new Law & Order show on the Gotham set!!!...prepare for baby-daddy cameos...

Eye: what were we talking about again?...…...oh yes, FOLKS, please listen to me for once in your miserable lives!!! tonight we are HONORED to have Celine and Jesse THEMSELVES here in the podcast booth!

Laertus: au revoir...i mean, sorry, i get nervous around greatness, you are an inspiration to my every cell...

Celine: merci.

Eye and Cotard: hey that's my line...our line...

Jesse: there's a hunger still unsatisfied, like that Pink Floyd song "High Hopes".

Cusack: High Fidelity?

Cotard: i love that "High Hopes" music video, that's a very monk video...

Jesse: humans, no matter what they have, all the things and people they have in their lives, are never satisfied, they always want more, more keychains, more hotel keys, more sex, more knowledge...

Eye: yeah cos if your dreams are realized, what more is there to do?

Jesse: it's a restlessness in the human soul to never sit still and be satiated, sated, nor seated. human all too human, like a Turin horse...

Dirg: or maybe you're just a Hollywood asshole. yeah man why can't you just be satisfied with Julie Delpy for fuck sake?!!!...

Eye: Before Midnight and go...

Laertus: TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Laertus faints, crying collapsing into Eye's shoulder.

Laertus: i'm sorry but...THAT SCENE...that scene was momentous! the greatest moment of my life!! *looks at Eye* sorry, honey. i mean when you see the twins in the backseat, the two little matching girls with the blonde hairs so big they cover their entire bodies, you know, you know, you know

THE OTP HAS BEEN CONSUMMATED!!!

you see, nothing matters anymore, nothing in life matters anymore, you'll get through the hard times, you'll make it to the other side, Celine and Jesse are forever linked through these children!!! IT HAPPENED FOR THE COUPLE!!! they are forever united!

Celine: we felt the same...at first...

Jesse: i did it all for the apple...

Jesse: yeah it's like no matter how hard our lives get, how difficult our agreed-upon union, even if we separate, we are never separated because we are forever cosmically together cos we made two sprouts. 

Dirg: keep the D word to dick, not divorce. cute kids. i mean they are creepier than The Shining twins and do nothing in the film and are just there as props and to show they exist but...cute kids. i want kids...

Eye: *starry-eyed* OH JUST GET MARRIED ALREADY!!!

Laertus: the love has already happened. i remember being at work after that scene, i was beaming from ear to ear, grinning silently and my coworkers thought something was wrong with me...

Eye: you have an office? where is it located?

Laertus: nothing else matters. Jesse and Celine are permanent parents! of the same DNA keychain! the world is good! there's hope!!!

Dirg: yeah and what are you complaining about this go-round? you're lamenting the world is STILL going to hell in a handbasket? how? you're doing all this during the Obama monarchy reign!!!

Dirg: half of this film takes place in a neverending car-ride through the countryside...

cat familiars: ghastly! ghastly decision to leave in the script! we disavow this film on grounds of animal cruelty...not shown but stated...the story of the frisky pregnant party-girl cat and her litter of kittens...kitties in a bag...NO MORE!!! what's with these European films and animal abuse!!!?...

Dirg: so this is what Cassie from Skins would have ended up as with her middle-aged ass...

Celine shoots Dirg a non-sexual dirty look:

Celine: my end?...

Jesse: the airport scene at the beginning...

Dirg: ...yeah not starting off well. you immediately introduce the kid. once a kid is involved and you can put a face to Hank who has smartass lines, it's all Brady Bunch cousin downhill from there...

Jesse: i was confused cos an old-timey general who likes maple syrup doesn't know a thing about airplanes. also, i learned to distrust driveways from Celine's apartment last film. cul-de-sacs...

Dirg: good boy.

Jesse: ...so i sat down on the tarmac...and waited. an hour of real-life film time elapsed and i get a call from the last public phone. it's Celine wondering where the fuck i am and to come pick them up. i'm thinking she means the luggage, the two suitcases, but she meant the kids...

Jesse: let me allay your fears right now, fellas, this film is set in Greece but it's WAY better than Mamma Mia...

Dirg: not a film to take your niece...

Laertus: *chuckles* haha, and once again more of Jesse's harebrained-but-actually-brilliant ideas for future novels code for future films...

Dirg: the guy with amnesia who can only remember his bad memories...

Laertus: ...that's called trauma...

Cotard: Xenia's last name means "son of monk"...

Ariane Labed: i'm dramatizing onscreen the real-life romance relationship i had with Batman...

Dirg: lots of beds in that drama. yeah, Batman and that Twilight chick... 

Tyzik: Django Reinhardt? you mean Ricky Ricardo...

Celine and Jesse are strolling together as they do:

Celine: looks like it's time for us to get out of the booth and start walking and talking again...:

Jesse: we filmed the 2nd film during that infamous European heat wave, remember?

Codrus: you cursed me for heat waves! you'd KILL to just have heat waves again...

Celine: WE caused that heat wave, Jesse, you and i the two of us. it reached 150 degrees right after the ending of Before Sunset when we fucked like wild mongeese for 3 days in my apartment with the black blinds on...

Dirg: mongeese? mongooses? mongoosed?...

Celine: salt mandalas? Greek saint paintings staring at me? i have a death wish...

Jesse: nah you just like the mudbath those swarthy Pompeii men took to make their skin look so good...

Laertus: once again Linklater using to perfection the local Greek actors and one actress in particular who delivers a heartrending soliloquy on love and loss and forgetting how your spouse's face looked like. Dick nails it every time...

Dirg: they were talking bout some weird shit in that open-air stone Mount Olympus café. robots overtaking humanity? the only tech they had back then was Skype, how quaint, sex will become solely through screens?......like this were covid or something...

Dirg to Jesse: it's weird seeing you get a text from Hank and that familiar modern boop sound, i'm still with you on that '90s train...

Dirg: poor Celine, she's not sexy anymore. she only gets some by mimicking a blowjob and a triangle-pussy-clit-wap-lick with her hand and fingers. and by licking her pray hands which as a staunch Christian i found particularly hot. who knew praying a prayer was ice cream? she's jealous of the young girl who actually gets some...

Celine slaps Dirg hard on the cheek...

Celine: i talk with knives, i'm French woman, not American woman......

Laertus: i was thinking that young girl and her Shakespearean stage lover would start walking along the beach and start up the new trilogy...

Eye: i mean this ex-wife of Jesse. WHO is she!? will she ever be cast? what does she look like? by all accounts this woman is a shedevil! Satan herself!!!

Dirg: American cunt, go with Jena Friedman...

Laertus: save the wife mudwrestling for the fourth film... 

Mardith: couples massage? really? there's your problem, there's where you went wrong, shoulda went with the empath counseling...

Eye: Celine's experience is very valid, no matter the year, a woman juggling being a mom with a wife and her own career, what exactly is a woman's identity in these times?...

Dirg: you can't be a passionate woman and be married...tied down with kids and school lunches and peanut-butter hummus...you gotta be free...a passionate European woman anyway...

Dirg: yeah, writing isn't a hobby! it isn't a hobby for him! haven't you heard? being a writer is a full-time job now!!! covers on the wine glasses make them look like grape juice boxes. WHOA!!! WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT!!!

Eye: yeah, man, this film unlike the other two REALLY goes all-out with the sex! i'm sure you were getting audience clamor in letters that they REALLY wanted these two to finally fuck...and SHOW IT ON SCREEN!!! not just in fanfics. how did you feel about that scene, Celine?

Celine: well on the one hand it's exploitative---you can't get away with this anymore on film sets---but on the other hand it's kinda cool that they let a middle-aged woman show her 43-year-old tits like it was nothing like that. after all, this does happen in real life believe it or not, love is love is old love...

Laertus: it is so French and i love you and it. Ripley's caused Bumpism...

Dirg: beautiful big tits. come on, man, show ya girl some love!!! kiss kiss kiss? don't just kiss each tit and go straight for the clit! it's not about the pussy, it's not about the wap, it's about dat ass! her HUGE butt! give the worldly magnificent sumptuous Julie Delpy some anal!!!

Dirg: Celine, you should have REALLY NOT LOVED HIM ANYMORE. that would have made for a more interesting movie. more realistic. you should have dumped his skinny ass. you should have divorced him.

Dirg: the scene should have gone down like this:

Celine: i don't love you anymore.
Jesse: you don't mean that.
Celine: yes i do. i want a divorce. 
Jesse: you're just sore that i'm the Chicago Cubs fan in the house and you're stupid White Sox...

Laertus: but that ending is so hopeful...

Eye: don't cry again, dear, my shoulder can't take it...

Laertus: ...you two DO reconcile. and may i say you'd look hot as an 82-year-old gilf, Celine...

Laertus: there's poetry in the ending. you two made the hard direct willful decision to fulfill your dreams and fantasies, it's been hard work, but you wouldn't have it any other way, the OTHER way would have been worse and permanently scarring, living with the eternal pain of regret. this is how it should be, you're OTP, all is right with the world. you WILL be together till the end...this is the thing, this doesn't have to be the end of the trilogy, you can continue making one of these every 9 years and it will be as fresh as ever because we'll be fortunate to have the real lives of Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy provide the stuff for the future scripts...

Eye: Before Hank, coming 2022...

Dirg: and wilful decision. ending should have gone down like this:

Jodie Whittaker: i'm Doctor Who...
Celine: i hate you! you took my role! we were gonna have the first-ever FRENCH DOCTOR WHO!!!...

Celine and Jesse: is life a dream? or is life a memory?……...g'night, folks...fall asleep together in a pretzel on a table in a Greek open-air restaurant under a blanket of stars...

Dirg: with Ye Olde Trip To Jerusalem in the background...

at Galivant's bungalow private tennis court, a pale blue glow the moon blows blankets the sky and the square sweat dripping from chins on the square below:

Galivant: look how i hold the racquet on the other side of the net, mimick me, we're doubles partners, we're twins...

the sky and the corners of the court begin to take on tiny flecks of orange...

Pat: i'm doing it! 

Galivant: as we hit the ball back and forth, anticipate my stroke, anticipate my strike, the velocity angle of where the ball is gonna be, assume the point of your corner, be at that spot beforehand, until we're a well-oiled machine, until we can read each other's thoughts and minds...

the glow begins to take form, it shapes itself into a beam which ricochets off Pat's racquet and shoots in a column in Galivant's face. Galivant lands on the hard grass surface with a thud...

Pat: what happened? i saw your face for the first time, Gali, for the first time under this light...

Pat: ...you had teddy-bear buttons for eyes……...Galivant? OH NO!!!

Galivant has turned into a mannequin...










Monday, October 12, 2020

TMIT: MY NIGHT NYOTAIMORI




1. name a food or drink you could never live without:

tomorrow is grocery day and it's the only day which makes me smile anymore. cos it gets me out of the house. a quick peruse of my laundry list is as follows:

yeah a couple of items have become STAPLES meaning i can't live without them each two weeks:

the chocolate chip cookies by the deli, Frank's green hot sauce, Mocha Mix, brown eggs but only the ones with the brown freckles, the Farmer John thick bacon cos that's the only kind that cooks without it becoming tissue-paper, Pringles but only the long can cos it makes me horny, garbanzo beans but only in the Rick + Morty cans, almond-butter yogurt, Coke with a capital C...

2. name a food or drink you think never should have graced this Earth:

graced is a strong word, isn't the Earth already doomed?

octopus. it's not fair to the octopus. i mean all he was trying to do was teach the schoolkids who are the outcasts of society, those in Class E, delinquents destined to lead meaningless lives as thugs, misfits, party girls at Tsunade's casino, or, worst of all, high-school students...

sure Teach blew up the moon and made it a permanent crescent and threatened to blow up Earth, but, refer back to the beginning of this question. there's more going on here, and i'm sure it's all in the manga i won't read...

3. if you had to choose between licking chocolate from your partner's genitals or taking tequila shots from their navel, which would you choose and why?

tequila shots. cos it seems more fun and less ghastly. the chocolate thing seems like a college hazing. tequila is party food, jello shots, everyone loves jello, at least till the '80s and sweaters. see i never went to one of those cool parties with the jello shots, i only saw such things in teen horror films. plus, navel reminds me of navel oranges. i only eat the rind of the orange, not the pulp. my uncle joined the Navy and never returned...he didn't die, he became the CEO of Old Navy which went under...he only joined the company cos he wanted to provide pants for his lover Donald Duck...

4. if you had to choose between having to eat one Brussel sprout every day or never having coffee again, which would you choose if you had to elaborate or drop out of college:

coffee. i wouldn't be here without coffee. literally. i'd be gone, there'd be another in this space. not even for those Brussel sprouts served by a soldier in a red coat and fuzzy hat like a Heath bar.

but i want that sugary Kyoto coffee. that you can only get in Kyoto. i hear Coke has Fruit Juice Seltzer now, i mean does it matter anymore if your sustenance comes from navel or blood? 

what i'm signaling here is i want to travel to Kyoto. as in i NEED to travel. NOW. i'm getting antsy in my monk cell, gotta break out with seven of my brothers to marry seven brides and go to Vegas. and travel the world. and gallivant the globe. 

fund me, MAKE THIS A TRAVEL BLOG!!!!!!!!!!

5. give us the recipe or at least the name of your favourite cocktail:

daiquiri: the drink of sad writers and stupid teenagers. wink wink, thanks, Archer

BONUS: tell us about your current food fantasy, sexual or otherwise:

body sushi. but instead of sushi i pick up Vanquish pills with my chopsticks...

 




Friday, October 9, 2020

ETERNAL ERUPTION






notes: 

* there's Being and Time in pictures. there's being and time in certain pictures. certain photos don't just capture a mood, they capture the start of something. something wonderful and wondrous. if you're ever lucky enough in your life to have a picture taken of you and the person who will become your spouse, when you can actually capture the moment you two met!!! that first hug! that first mutual smile! well, that IS magic. in this picture lies the very time capsule of your ENTIRE life together. the initiate incipient seed of spark, the unique undertaking, right there in the glossy photo. consider yourself lucky whoever TAKES such a picture, you're a witness to history. these very rare photos are alive, ALIVE FOREVER, they move, move spookily, they move in space vibrations, they're a constant monument to the motion of your love waves, what you did in this universe, what you conceived onto this world, what you left unto this rock. all of your plans summed up in a second, right now at the push of a button, static but...a million moments contained in the edges of the photo's future...

* i mean look at Eddie Van Halen. how did he know it was Halloween time soon? he predicted it with the M&Ms bag ripped in his mouth, dude's a wizard!!!

* Slotomania: not a porn

* John Goodman is adorable in ANYTHING...

* life is awesome...but only if you capture it in one singular photo of space and time...

* picking your nose is what the artists did. hey, at least there's toilet paper. the water was soapy but cold. hey it's good that you're wearing a blue glove to do that. at least that was a Martin Yan knife. 

* that's where depression comes from! de-press-ing buttons, pressing heart buttons on your insta all day like a bot...

* you could even win Geordi La Forge's visor as your new car!

* as long as that friend isn't the Jeopardy guy...you don't want to run into him after that NHL season...

* it's like going to Vegas but avoiding getting hurt!!!...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: it's a nice day out finally, there's finally an autumnal chill in the air, when it's hot it's normal-hot, not oppressive smoky hazy gaggy-hot. i shall walk to the place. i have no idea where i'll eat, but it needs to be a mall...

i shall try the new barbecue place that opened up across the street from me. barbecue is spelled BBQ. you gotta try the tritip cos it's in the name. with the hot sauce cos only THIS place has THAT specific sauce. they won't mind if i get in line with the cars in the drivethru, right?...