KURT LODER ON THE CASE: A NESTLECOCK DESERVES A FAMILY, TOO

 

Kurt Loder is interviewing that guy with the ponytail and glasses who writes for Rolling Stone...

guy with ponytail and glasses: so i know people never believe me when i tell them this, but Generation X regards Kurt Cobain as their John Lennon.

Kurt Loder: yeah. may Kurt Cobain continue making records well into the 2020s...

guy with ponytail and glasses: i mean, music forever, right?

guy with ponytail and glasses: you see this black ponytail i have? when this ponytail of mine turns grey, i will do what you do, i'll interview a bunch of people for a PBS special about music that stresses that music belongs to ALL of us. i'll keep wearing these glasses throughout my entire existence. 

Kurt Loder: who?

guy with ponytail and glasses: Emmylou Harris and Herbie Hancock.

Kurt: where?

guy with ponytail and glasses: you know the Severus Snape Castle next to the 7-Eleven in the Bronx?

at the Golden Globes.

Michael Douglas: stick that Golden Globe you just won where the sun don't shine!!!

Julia Roberts: Michael? are you okay? have you ever won a Golden Globe?

Michael Douglas: um, i don't know. does it really even matter? sorry about that, i forget it's the '90s, i have to regulate my five drinks a night with a gram of coke...

Bridget Fonda in Singles: i just want a man who will say "bless you" when i sneeze.

Father Navin carrying pepper: i'm ugly, i look like a leprechaun...

Circus Trix: Trix cereal in the shapes of circus tents, trampolines, bowling pins, flavored cotton-candy, popcorn, and shelled peanut...

Susan Lucci in Lady Mobster: we don't sound like gangsters!!! we sound like a bunch of soap hunks and soap skirts!!!

Christopher Kimball's Milk Street: we still use a printer...

Tejana: we're unsweetened tea yet somehow raspberry-flavored...

Carl Jung on his deathbed: i wish i had been more like Carl Sagan...

lentil soup: i dare you to eat this when it's not Christmas...

Shia LaBeouf: July 28th? come on, the divorce was due to the HEAT of being smackdab in the middle of summer!!! give us another chance, baby, i'll wear black to bed, i promise!!!

Mia Goth: have i ever been goth in a role? surely i played Mrs. Dracula in something...

Cutting Crew "(I Just) Died in Your Arms": the official song of Class of Nuke 'Em High...

Cutting Crew lead singer: i'm not Sting...

Stephanie Jeronymo: will you become a stripper? this is the most important decision we all have to make in our lives...

Kurt is at his therapist's.

Kurt Loder: why did you become a therapist?

Marilyn Manson: it's my way of giving back after all the destruction i caused. i love people. i want to heal the world. i know how young people REALLY feel about life, i want to help them navigate those difficult feelings.

Kurt: old people have real feelings about life, too. and why specifically did you become MY therapist?

Marilyn Manson: that New Radicals guy was spot-on about me. he's more radical than i could ever be. "You Get What You Give" is my all-time favorite song. hell, i saved Paris Jackson from killing herself, why not you?

Kurt: you HAVE saved me!!! i don't need to do this anymore, i'm done with therapy, i'm done with you. job well done. i'm cured. don't worry, i'll get a facelift on my tired face... 

 

KURT LODER ON THE CASE: BECK HANSOM

 

Kurt Loder is at Beck Hansen's sprawling mansion surrounded by palm trees.

Kurt Loder: tropical.

Beck Hansen: thanks, man. are you tired?

Kurt: no i just look that way. 

Kurt: so you see the confusion.

Beck: no worries.

Kurt: i thought it was Beck Hanson, i thought you were the eldest Hanson brother who went off on his own, went solo to do his thing.

Beck: compelling narrative. is Hanson into experimental?

Kurt: i wouldn't know. how do you feel about the "You Get What You Give" lyrics?

Beck: it was a gutcheck. it made me change religions. that New Radicals guy's gonna guest-vocal on my next single.

Kurt: so it seems all is forgiven. this whole thing wasn't a publicity stunt, was it?...

Beck: i'll call you a Hansom cab to pick you up and ferry you the fuck outta here.

Kurt: why? i mean why the Hansom cab?

Beck: just in keeping with my eccentric nature, that's all.

at Hanson's sprawling mansion surrounded by palm trees.

Kurt: i'm not gonna take the tropical bait.

middle Hanson brother: you know the New Radicals song really made me think. here i was thinking this whole time we were doing serious music here, like Nirvana music. turns out everyone thought we belonged on something called Kidz Bop?

Kurt: so you're not the boy from Home Improvement?

middle Hanson brother: no but i did go to Harvard. to study music theory.........for my concept album...

Dying Young: the love story of Michael Stipe and Cher...

Cousin Itt: i always win the Halloween costume contest...

Will Smith: you know the Men In Black dance i do with the alien? that was my tribute to Michael Jackson...

PBS: we're showing the documentary Swamp Buggy Fever because PBS Florida is a thing...

tin trash cans in the '80s: recycling wasn't a thing in the '80s, no brown and green bins. no wood board over the cans to keep the wombats out of the trash, we used iron chains on the trash cans...

Jim Cantore: weatherstripping is not a nude weatherwoman on TV, it's not seeing Jen Carfagno naked in the Weather Channel bathrooms which i did by accident...

Easter Island: we're technically the tropics...

Dying Young.

Campbell Scott: i wanna fuck before i lose to the leukemia. i put out a newspaper want ad seeking an attractive nurse.

Julia Roberts: a newspaper want ad? how quaint.

Campbell: oh and i'm sure YOU think you're just the most beautiful woman who ever walked uphill sidewalks. 

Julia: no, my mouth is weird. when you smile you look deranged. are you the son of a soup scion?

Campbell: a minestrone magnate, yes.

Julia: do you realize that nobody has EVER seen me naked?...

the Match Game 1970s set: the same set where Karen Carpenter sang "Close To You" and "We've Only Just Begun..."

Peg Entwistle: hiking to the H was longer in those days because the sign was HOLLYWOODLAND...

Swami: ...

Peg Entwistle: was Thirteen Women a good motion picture?

Swami Yogadachi: with deepest regrets i predicted this motion picture would be lost to the sands of time like a circus troupe...

Frankie Muniz: my wife told me over breakfast, "you're not the boss of me now." i should listen to my own show!!!

Kurt is at his therapist's.

Kurt Loder: you should have seen me today.

therapist: gangbusters?

Kurt: no it was a total disaster. i couldn't remember any of those guys' names, i got them confused. i should know this stuff, i should be more on the ball. i work for MTV for Jesus sake!!!

therapist: music journalism is a young man's game. what are you, 40 now?

KURT LODER ON THE CASE: I DON'T WANT TO DO TODAY

 

Tabitha Soren: i've just come back from the Medical Examiner's Office.

Kurt Loder: yeah.

Tabitha: you look tired, Kurt.

Kurt: that's how i always look, the light left my eyes long ago, my eyes were a New England lighthouse in the 1880s taking crashes of waves on a craggy island, we were all wearing frilly frocks back then. music is the only thing keeping me alive.

 

Tabitha: our bosses at MTV have your new assignment: have you heard of "You Get What You Give"?

Kurt: the New Radicals, unexpected hit song on the radio.

Tabitha: not THAT unexpected, it is catchy. those lyrics tho.

Kurt: yeah, poor Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson.

Tabitha: but that's the thing, everyone focuses on those two and miss the two who were FIRST besmirched in the lyrics: Beck and Hanson. go to Beck and Hanson and see how they're feeling about it.

Tabitha: btw, have you seen Marilyn Manson lately?

Kurt: um, yeah, he's fine.

Tabitha: and Courtney?

Kurt: Courtney Love is consoling Kurt Cobain...

Shaun Alexander: see everyone hates Alabama, but when i joined the Seattle Seahawks i used those Southern skills in the North and suddenly i was cool.

Kurt Cobain: yeah.

James Joyce NOT drunk doing a pubcrawl around Ireland: what's the point of being an Irish writer? you'll never be as good as me...

a mall food court in Downtown Los Angeles in the '80s: parkouring the alleyways in Blade Runner...

pancake syrup: not good warm...

Melissa Maker: like my Friday-night tits with cum on them.

Taco Bell: Mexican Pizza.........Sauce is back!!!

Creepshow: this was a cartoon in the '80s, right? came on after Smurfs. yeah i remember that Creepshow Christmas special...

den: a man cave in the '80s...

Lindy Lenz: my email is lindyl999999999@aol.com.

me: are those Ls? you do this so no creeps can reach you.

Lindy: not necessarily, there are 9 nines...

Jasmine and Connor Cook of Double Take Reacts: we're quickly catching up to Suzy Lu and Steejo. we react to ALL the songs, even the controversial songs. we're not brother and sister doing the dishes together in the same flat.

Steejo: same. people think because i'm a kickboxer i can do the Kakashi ninja moves. but i can't.

Ted Turner: i taught Portuguese kids in the '90s English. my greatest creation was not the Atlanta Braves or CNN. it was Cartoon Network. i was the basis for the captain in Sealab 2021...

Saudi Arabia: we're known for our wall of death.........it's not what you think...

Kurt Loder is at his therapist's.

therapist: how are you surviving this week, Madison?

Kurt: it's Kurt. today was a bad one, doc. more than usual for my hangdog life. did you see SNL this weekend?

therapist: i'm afraid i missed it. i was busy blowing up balloons. is John Belushi still doing his thing over there?

Kurt: they had a skit where they portrayed Link from the Legend of Zelda video games as the biggest weenie in the world, a real nancyboy compared to the macho Italian ladies'-man guy from the GTA 6 game.

therapist: GTA?

Kurt: Grand Theft Auto. those games which rot the young men of America like the music of Korn did.

therapist: gotcha, i remember now. why do the ladies love criminals?

Kurt: because i like the Zelda games, i like solving puzzles, i felt like Link: a woman with big ears and blonde hair. my love interest Princess Zelda looks like my son.

therapist: i see. i'm calling up my fellow therapist Robin Williams right now to see if he can talk to you, help you through these feelings of feeling insignificant. i've been there. 

Kurt: i know i'm a wuss, but this week i felt like a weenus.

 

  

WITHDRAWN: MICROWAVE McDONALD'S

Lucio Rossi: they don't have a microwave McDonald's section.

me: what do you mean?

Lucio: don't you think by now McDonald's would put out their Big Macs, fries, Chicken McNuggets, and that waffle thing in frozen form and sell them in the frozen aisles of supermarkets across America? and Papua New Guinea?

me: yeah seems like a missed opportunity.

Lucio: Lucky should start the trend. imagine being able to microwave McDonald's fries in a TV-dinner tray and have them taste of beef tallow...

me: that ice has been melting a long time...

in Lucio's room, it's a different story.

Lucio: i'm sorry man, but i can't do this anymore. i've been eating McDonald's in my room for five days now, i feel NAUSEOUS from the smell. a salty greasy odor of decay wafts in my room, the scent of heavy digestion. in the space where i sleep. forgive me Lucy my first love.

me: can you counter it with a countersmell?

Lucio: yes, i've been putting coffee pods under my bed to add a layer of coffee under where i sleep perchance to dream. coffee smells bad but coffee GROUNDS smell like hope. i feel like i'm in the saved Amazon jungle...

The Weather Channel: we say Mother Nature, we can't say God...

Bud Selig: it's the saddest thing in the world that the Milwaukee Brewers have never won the World Series. we were the first baseball team...

monk: what's under my robe? pajamas.

Brother Peewit: we call the sun the Daystar...

Jen R: you're Daystar-worshippers!!!

Love Death + Robots: we are OBSESSED with the Afghanistan War...

Phoebe Buffay: you're my lobster.

David Foster Wallace: i know...

tassel hanging from a car rearview mirror: could be Catholic, could be from a strip club...

"Kaleidoscope": that's gotta be a Smashing Pumpkins song, right?...

The Prince of Tides: rent a beach house along the South Carolina shore for two weeks and watch this movie leisurely...

Barbra Streisand: The Prince of Tides was the ultimate '90s movie. it was also the movie where i got my mind and body right. this shy awkward Jewish girl with her funny face. for the first time in my life i felt pretty as i fucked a tired Nick Nolte on the silver screen in front of millions sitting in their seats in theaters...

Amelia Earhart: kinda cool how my plane had two car steering wheels as the yoke.

Lucio: i'm exhausted. i feel like retreating from the world forever and living in a sticky cocoon. are you impressed with me? do any of these inventions and creations of fire and gadgets of mine impress upon you in any way? do you like me?

me: of course. i liked you BEFORE all the mad-scientist scrap. you're my bes fren.   

Lucio: you did? i'm so tired. this is affecting me.

me: why sure. do you know how we became best friends? we were the two smartest students in our class. the teachers sat our desks next to each other grade after grade.

Lucio: yeah, that's how we got to talking. about Nintendo. not girls.

Lucio: do you want to join me on my duvet? the cover is buttoned like St. Cyril's nostalgia. you must promise to be my best friend till the end of my days.

me: deal.

Lucio: i need a best friend, not just a friend.