TMIT: MAKE IT RAIN HONEY

1. has money ever ruined a relationship for you?

i was a seasonal Santa at the mall one Christmas. i was ringing the bell for the red Salvation Army kettle and pulling in mucho dinero. a nice loaf of dough. i had amassed $30,000 when Tom from Tom and Jerry came scurrying round the bend and kicked over my kettle and it broke.

i had a hell of a time trying to replace the damn thing. finally i stopped in to the local Dollar Store and they had a red kettle but it was rare in that size and they told me it would set me back $30,001...

2. have you ever successfully negotiated a pay raise?

i got David Brent to help me but he was a useless git. found out later he was negotiating a pay rise...

my boss was one of those hardheaded tweekers on the top floor who never paid no mind to the plebeians in the aqueducts. until i told him,

i want a V A P O R W A V E car. i want to have a fish's babies. the Raiders will only be a winner if they're sponsored by Dragon Ball parodies. Lear jets also make pens. i am most certainly in the right! Dick Cheney was cruisin' for a bruisin' but he stashed all the a la orange sauce.

3. what piece of MONEY advice would you tell your younger self?

don't get caught in the eternal loop of Wall Street highs and lows. that's what Itachi told his younger brother Sasuke. if only Michael Douglas had given Shia LaBeouf career advice...

4. have you ever paid for sex or been paid for sex?

yes. twice. with Jim Cramer. weirdly, he doesn't utter a sound when he's making love...

5. are you hiding a financial secret?

i put George Costanza's life savings into Bernie Madoff's account...

BONUS: have you made someone smile today? if not, please take up the challenge and make someone smile:

i made Shinra Kusakabe smile bit it was hard to tell...

i made the Momo mama bird smile, am i doing the Challenge thing right?...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

CASSETTE IN THE BUSH

notes:

* this is it, this is the EXACT tape. my first exposure to rap...which explains so much about my life. it's so old Vanilla has a beard. i remember that star on top. i'm ashamed to admit if it wasn't for this album, i still wouldn't know who Queen were.

* still didn't make me like college football tho. Miami? it was okay for white boys to get funky as long as the first time was wild. decades later the Ciara Bravo film makes sense. i bought my first juicer cos of this but the wiring was loose so it never gave me the nutrients to make me big and strong like Vanilla's hair. 

* true story: i played my first-ever crush "I Love You" by Vanilla Ice. then next morning two bulky men in ill-fitting white shirts break into my bedroom, crunch on the bush with their boots, and take me away. has a happy ending tho, at the hospital i watched my first-ever episode of In Living Color and the rest is history...

* i decided to be an extrovert at my school for the first time ever and joined a club. i got on the waiting list for the roster to play rastafarian music, which was a step in the right direction when it came to me and culture. and then i saw my crush again. i had prepared an epic Byronic poem, 1000 stanzas just for her, if that isn't to the extreme i don't know what is. i got up on stage and was about to recite......then i farted for 15 minutes. NEVER had Beeferoni again...

* i couldn't let anybody actually SEE me with this tape of course, it was too embarrassing. so when my mom came back from her nurse rounds at Beverly Hills Hospital---the same hospital i was born at i learn 30 years later---i impulsively toss it in the bush between my one-step stoop and the welcome mat. never to be found again. since then many keys have been found at that spot but not Vanilla. even a key to get into Reggie Miller's Wendy's bubble...

Reggie Miller: my sister is like a slash version of me...

* Dan Evans: you know what's going to happen, right? Djokovic will beat Nadal at the French Open then lose to me in the Final!

* the Ukraine-Russia thing was dormant but is heated again. shame. the BBC reports show these decimated villages in the outpostiest of rural outposts, no more children just one babushka grandma in purple headscarf bemoaning the utter uselessness of war. it's a Black Clover village in real life.

* it's time for school, would you rather continue zoom learning or have in-person learning at the beach?.........either way guaranteed you won't learn a thing all year...

* Vanilla Ice: do you know what my tats mean? cos i forgot.

* Vanilla: notice how i'm wearing an American hat for unity but the blue is the dominant color.........for cold-washing...

* Stone Cold: collaborate?

Vanilla Ice: i don't have an Instagram...

* Vanilla: don't be offended by all my vanilla products, i like chocolate, too.

Ice-T: hey man, i was mad at you for decades but then Eminem came along...

* Ice-T: it saves you 100 dollars, enough to buy a bat...

* Stone Cold: back in the day your mother did wash with cold, there was no hot water in the village.

Vanilla Ice: back in the day my mom wore less than a bikini...cos she was poor...

* Ice-T: you never know who might show up after 10 years...

Vanilla: my dad?...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: uncertain cos no one knows when the funeral ends, which itself is existential. it's uncomfortable catering for a funeral but i'm thinking TOGO's large Italian. take the gun leave the cannoli. Lucio Rossi, love you forever. do you know how far one will go for a TOGO's sub? swim with sharks? no one knows but that's their slogan, it's a California thing... 
 

P.S. PAT: WOODEN SCHICK

 

Galivant: QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE?

Pat: uh...

Galivant: it that what's on the lunch menu? and me without my blue tray. look, obviously something has gone completely wrong and off-the-rails on your path, burn the whole thing down and start over...sorry...we're gonna have to do something here. let's stay here and instead of going to Catholic grade school you went to public grade school in NYC...

POOF

and suddenly Pat is a child again, just learning the ropes, entering the brick stucco glass building of P.S. 101 in a noisy crossstreet having just been reinforced with bay windows which open outward onto the street for summertime, not that Pat would ever have to go to summer school. hall monitors and milk cards and red bells and morning announcements done with a beige horn and Brooklyn accent. and the scariness of having to make brand new friends again: this time it was Max Kellerman his best friend, and Rosie O'Donnell his other best friend:

Max Kellerman has a small head and a very nicely-trimmed light-brown mustache for a beard:

Max Kellerman: call me Lil Max, i'm an aspiring rapper. i was named after Max from Mighty Aphrodite. my dad has just introduced me to the greatest tv show of all time ER and it's mine, it's all mine now, it's MY baby.

Rosie O'Donnell: call me Lil O. i'm Max's sidekick...sigh, what is this, Muppet Babies? Max spits the rhymes, Pat writes the lyrics, i do the drum-n-bass with my spotted tongue and kissy mushy lips. i agree, ER is not the best medical drama or drama but the best all-around show in show business period. EVAH!!! it makes me want to be a doctor but i'm still young. a kid who tells jokes in class and gets in trouble. about my first period...

Pat: math? AND THERE SHE IS!

Pat gets starry-eyed as he spots her across the yellow-laned asphalt playpark, past the tetherball court, up the drinking fountain, down the spool of brown paper plugging the stallless toilet, to the left and to the right of the blades from the latest swirling red-and-blue ring-around-the-rosie...

Rosie: not me. i can't twirl like that. i'm not the queenbee drum majorette.

Pat: a vision! a Medieval '80s vision! the most beautiful girl known to boys: Lil Gina. 

Gina flicks her freckle off her nose to no avail. she drops her pleated skirt to pick up a sun-filled daisy by the principal's office.

the crones are at this school's lunchroom, sliding with the other little students and classmates:

Doryce: gotta be here, The Store's not open yet! is the milk here frothy?

Gladyce: you're under construction! as in you're doing construction. where's your hardhat and your whistles at hot teachers? aren't you building something for Pons?

Doryce: a wooden stand with nails and the nine. a sign painted with PSYCHIATRIC HELP for 5 cents.

Madame Pons is in a sparkling purple headdress and wears Lucy's blue dress.

Madame Pons: SPIRITUAL HELP for 5 cents. i'm not a Scientologist, haven't tried that one yet, but let's keep things spiritual. if you have to force the door open, honey, that was not the door for you. child, you are luminous!...

Pat: it's so fun to be at this age, i really do have all my shut doors in front of me and all the time in the world to find the key in the principal's grass...

Kenyatta: sigh, it's a pain, but i need to learn how to spell Toulouse-Lautrec cos he was important...

Rory McIlroy's dad: what are you trying to say, sonny boy? i told you not to marry that lass...

Rory: i shot a ball that flew like an eagle! i really need those Masters crystal goblets for drinking...

Rory's dad: i keep telling you, man, Harry Potter ain't real! don't call me dud. *rubs Rory's head* a goblet to nest all your birdies, mate...

Laertus: i've never been so disappointed in an experience. i was all set to enjoy the hell out of thirtysomething after hearing so much about it. the watercooler powerhouse of stellar sublime writing in the '80s, my dad told me about it. well, i saw one episode and it just didn't click 1/4 of the way through.........it's the same experience i had with 15/Love...

Takahashi: i love you, Ponny, but i want to fuck Olivia Liang in the butt.

Madame Pons: i thought your pet name for me was Ponds cos of where we met...

Rutherford Falls: we're Northern Exposure but with more Native American activism...

Marlon Brando: i approve...

Pat: i heard from a distance Gina tell her friend on the playground she thought the Eskimo boy with the blue eyes on Northern Exposure was gorgeous, a real Keanu type. that was the first time i had actually witnessed a girl vocalize that a boy was hot. 

Laertus: when i first started to get serious about film again, watching films not for the fun but for the homework, for the craft of filmmaking, my first assignment, the first film i watched was:

Network

Leigh Bardugo: like the black lipstick? i shoulda played Lana Kane.

Pat: i don't see you at the legacy football games between Yale and Princeton i'm forced to attend with my dad...

Eye Luggage: i am in no way threatened by Leigh Bardugo...

Mardith: should i do a giveaway?

Dirg: don't give it away, girl!

Tom Cruise: i took a poetry class here at P.S. 101.........worst mistake of my life...

Dr. Vacc in the nurse's office administering shots to kids haphazardly: *laughing* hey we got a text from Frances McDormand quiet down everybody. it reads:

i won the Oscar! again! this is for the world: come hang out! everyone's invited to my YesNomads this weekend...

crones: our favorite town is Prunedale!

Gladyce: i'm a fan of the fantail...

Doryce: i confess, i nibble on the leftover food from Mardith's disposed-of cardboard boxes in the trash...

Dirg: i liked those little Justice League watch groups on youtube back in the day with that young babe who looked like a young Gal Gadot...the cartoon not that bloated extended cut everyone not me kept clamoring for...

Gladyce at a cafeteria table: when you're scraping off that last bit of food and you scrape off a tiny piece of paint from the bowl...

Frankie & Benny's: the Flintstones came to us before covid...

Sasha Velour: we want you back at Berkeley, Pat! we got a cover of Wussy magazine with your name on it!...

Pat: that will not be possible for a very long time...

David Spade: i'm Brad Pitt if he were ugly...

Trent Reznor: why is it that when i post suicide-prevention hotlines on  my Instagram Stories, all i get in response are laughing emojis?...

Oscar the Grouch to Kelly Clarkson: GROSS! THAT'S DISGUSTING, WOMAN!

Therabody: we are the shakeweight for golfers...

Michael Weiss wearing a DJ hat...a Dustin Johnson hat: you know a follower is a friend when they visit your Instagram Stories when they themselves don't have a new Story or post up...

Tiger Woods: i'm thinking more and more about Payne Stewart these days...

Barker Hangar: this is where the first post-covid rave will take place.

Travis Barker: i love your body, Khloe...your real body...

January Jones: is this my divine punishment for doing a bad SNL?

Cecily Strong: yes. we use rubber snakes now, no more live chimps.

January Jones: i always wanted to be a mystic but not like this...

Floch Forster: i got thicker thighs than Rikka Takarada...

Bebe Rexha: thick thighs save lives...

Dirg: there's still snowflakes in April?...

Laertus: you can't call me that anymore, you lost the election...

Alyson Stoner: Phineas and Ferb was a cute show, but i was not having a cute time in my private life doing it...

Laertus: see i never saw Happy Gilmore...

Bob Barker: right?

Will Zalatoris: right?

Jaden Smith: come on, bro, i'm not learning the jade split...

Kabuto Yakushi: my favorite movie of all time is Nobody...

Dirg: you know those dudes who spend 10 straight years on their Instagram posting everyday about the same theory.........and then you find out they took the vaccine the first day it was offered...

Hemingway: i got my own emoji! you see that Hemingway-boat emoji over there?!

Dirg: no matter what's going on, isn't it better just to ignore it and have sports distract us?

Wolf: i wanna go on a date with Dr. Fauci to see our baseball Nats...

Eye Luggage: here's a theory, just spitballin' here: why not a channel 100% devoted to female-made content, female cartoons, female adult cartoons! sigh, i feel so bad for Birdgirl getting slaughtered torn to shreds and defeathered on incel adult swim...

Laertus: LND?

Dirg: late night dick?

Boc: London. i'm meeting my friend Sidney there. or was it Shelby?...

Michael Weiss wearing a Sad Gilmore shirt with Rory Gilmore's pouting face on it: so Instagram exists now solely for recently-divorced celebrities to post their thirst-trap pics to get a date...

Tyzik: when you're best friends with someone but you have to use a Shutterstock pic of him on your Instagram...

Jillian Clare: even to use your own pic! which is WireImage! you know you're in L.A. when your neighbors have a pig...

Mark Hapka: i went to downtown L.A., City Hall, that place is a different kind of magic......i went to the tall building and legally changed my name to 11:11...

Etika: i'm here right now with Sasha.........it's not what you think......the irony of my last video are the sirens...

Etika: is a death worth one Like?...

Macaulay Culkin's son puts on aftershave to his Kung Fu audition...

Sean Lennon: sure yeah that's nice, i wish i could go back like you to when i was a boy...i wish John Lennon had written a song called "Beautiful Man"...

Gladyce to Doryce: dear when you're recycling Mardith's messes, remember: ketchup packet unopened: trash, ketchup packet opened: recycle bin...

Doryce: who keeps magically putting the new roll of toilet paper out when the old roll is getting low?...

Katrin: she's Tom...

Janine: no you're Jerry...

Doryce: i use the napkins already within Mardith's trash can to wipe the excess food off all the beige paperboard cartons...

Michael Weiss wearing a hardhat: when i look at all these Instagrams, especially the ones that are just assembly-line food pics from work, they are signaling souls lost to the company office, forever chewed up by the industrial complex...

Laertus: i wanna live in a world that is completely stress-free, one in which my only window to the outside world is El Gordo y La Flaca...

Eye Luggage: and Apple & Onion!

St. Vincent: yes i am volcanically hot, both sexes say so. but the funds aren't for me, they aren't for me to try to rekindle the flames of passion with David Byrne...

Codrus: i was the dux of my school, i was Top-Honors with the topknot at my Roman school.........there was no redux...

Roisin Kiberd doing a lecture at LUSH: where's my halberd from Pink Diamond? i'm not here to sell soap that looks like a petaled rose, i'm here to talk to you about my namesake cyber...

Galivant: i'm here to ensure the Green Notebook will remain forever green despite switching to a moleskine notebook...

Doryce at The Store: just cos we're in California don't mean all the coffee has to be Hawaiian blends!...

Gladyce: you know if i had spotted the Folgers Black Silk on the shelf i'd've snatched it! K-cups or no K-cups!

Kurt Cobain: overrated? why kick a man when he's down?

Takahashi: successful blogging, what exactly does that mean?...

Dirg: i eat bees, am i doing it right?...

Gladyce: i know the purchase was gratuitous. i bought the bottle of espresso coffee cream when i still had a full bottle of Colombian bean coffee cream. but i had to. you have to snatch it while you can...

Doryce: why does this coffee cream taste like the used-gum-filled bottom of a shelf?...

Mardith: i'm joining a murga band, i'm not squatting in the murga position for porn...

Dirg: i'm scared to assume the position murga-style! for corporal punishment...

Mardith: just SEEING him on his Instagram Stories everyday makes everything better, is enough for me, he's my prozac.

Dirg: who?...

Rubikon smoking loosies: i'm penning the life story of Audrey Hepburn...

Kurt Cobain: the only way we were able to get away with the lyrics for "Lithium" was that i was forced to change it so i didn't mention the specific you i killed...

everyone including a pink cougar with a bowtie squeezes into the cramped AV Club room at the school, a replica of the Cinerama theatre under the Bow showing Mighty Aphrodite for Greek Week:

Seth Green: it wasn't saved. i stand before you under the hot lights of a projector instead of the footlights of the ArcLight. with the honors of a toast. i went here to P.S. 101 same year as Pat. i was the runty ginger who was always absent. when i DID come to school for those 6 days a year i got bullied hard and beat-up badly hence why i'm such a good actor now...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Shatner: that clip when Brando and Maria are naked facing each other looking at each other inventing names for each other...

Billy Baldwin: the iconic poster not the other one...

Shatner: that's how Star Trek came up with all their alien names going forward...

Maria Schneider: that's also how rabid dogs mate...

Eye Luggage: Mighty Aphrodite and go...

Rubikon: the A Tribe Called Quest album?...

Woody Allen: IN MY DEFENSE.........oh jeez it's very uncomfortable sitting between Mira Sorvino and Harvey Weinstein...in my defense Weinrib is not a play on Adam's rib or anything, it's the name of a vaudeville clown, nothing to do with Weinstein.

Paul Sorvino: and to think at one time i was considering playing Harvey Weinstein in the Criterion film...now it's a Lifetime movie...

Paul punches Harvey dead.

Woody: okay now that that's out of the way the tension can be loosed, ah, there, everyone do a Bette Midler yoga breath out and continue...

Dirg: before we start, what's on her gold chain necklace? been niggling me all day. i keep rewinding the darn thing like Blockbuster digital but i can't framerate the cel. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!

Dirg using Doryce's glasses: is that a word or a gold razorblade?

Laertus: Mighty?

Mira Sorvino: Martinelli's, an Italian ciderhouse that services Spider-Man...

Dirg: it should have said Linda but i'm afraid it says Judy Cum...

Mira: it says Oscar...

Woody: before we start let's talk about the voice, i hated it.

Mira: that voice won me the Oscar. i was doing an airhead with a Harvard accent and that's what came out of my mouth.

Pat: Princeton accent would have won you the Golden Globe, Radcliffe accent would have won you the BAFTA...

Laertus: why do you have to be the protagonist in every single one of your films, Woody? they are masterpieces of wordplay but still. is it a control thing? you have to write EVERY single word?...

Woody: isn't it obvious? i'm stuck at a 12-year-old boy's level when it comes to girls. do you think i would ever get the chance to tongue-kiss Mira Sorvino naturally in the course of Earth events? of course i have to WRITE the sex scene between me and Mira or it would never happen! 

Mira: that kiss between us was VERY awkward. and mushy and slimy,,,even BEFORE everything about you came out...

Natalie Portman: in the original script, it called for Woody to bounce on Mira's tits and ass like a midget clown in a bounce house...

The Greek Chorus: we got TIRED having to recite your words and half-dance after the first scene, it was all so tortured. we were in these heavy monk robes in the sweltering heat wearing the masks from those aliens on that Twilight Zone "Eye of the Beholder" episode. you know the ones with the protruding lips...

Rubikon: watch it...

Codrus: now you know how WE feel! 

Cotard: and that wasn't even Greece, that was the Hollywood Bowl...

Helena Bonham Carter: i felt weird doing this. not the accent, me playing this demure taciturn housewife who goes along with having an affair cos it's expected of every female artist with a gallery showing in Soho. me, the bitch with the goth spells...

Dirg: GODDAMMIT NYC! but i can't hate, those stoops are magic...

Peter Weller: i'm the original guy with a boat...

Michael Rapaport: MAN i was young here! i serve no purpose. i ain't no boxer, i ain't no Max! imma  fake boxer, a facebooker boxer on the internet. the only reason i'm here is the producers blocked Woody Allen from having the kid with Mira Sorvino just straight-cold with no one else around...

Dirg: HOLY FUCK! i'm sorry i know she's in the room with us but Mira Sorvino is FUCKING HOT! tall glass of boiling water. very statuesque. did you ever try out for American Gladiators or an amazon on Dragonslayer?...

Mira: I SHOULDA BEEN EOWYN!!!

Woody: i'm a sportswriter.

Mira: you? runty little you? obviously you never played sports and are compensating.

Woody: are you the basketball player i'm interviewing today?...

Mira: i'm a UN Ambassador now, i'm able to kiss the clouds and see everything going on in the world from up there, all sides, all peoples at once...

Woody: Max, whose real name was Groucho, went to school right here at P.S. 101. spoilers: this is the gifted school!

everyone spits out their lunch.

Woody: you all know my Max, even if you don't. his picture is on all your milk cartons...yeah he went missing when he found out about me, no one ever saw him again...

Woody: why can't you make something of yourself? do something that matters like be a hairdresser.

Mira: what, smart people can't enjoy porn? porn is the sole domain of the dumb Mafia?

Woody: well the racket yes.

Woody: the scene at the bar with the mafioso pimp, that was Harvey's cruel joke on me, he made me do it even tho i was clearly not suited for it and wanted Mira's father to do it...

Dirg: i'm not one of those weirdos who kills prostitutes...i'm joking i'm joking i'm a comedy writer, honey, really, Woody?

Woody: i am many things but heavy i am not. i am not suited to act with a heavy. i am not an ax murderer. i may be the posterboy for why QAnon exists but i am not an ax murderer...

at dinner through the bay window overlooking Madison Square Garden:

Mira: we going to a show after this?

Rapaport: yeah i was thinking the Knicks but...um can i have back those two tickets in your hand? i promised my buddy Kevin Durant i'd take him...

  

Rubikon: HBC?

Helena Bonham Carter: i'm all for black-led and black-run universities. 

Helena Bonham Carter: our relationship is terminated.

Peter Weller: that's the other one...

Rubikon: is he feeling well? covid toes at universities? oh yeah, TK Carter, my favorite teacher...

Dirg: is that the black dude in the wheelchair?...

Iceman: ...

Dirg: is Mark Curry related to Steph Curry hence the basketball skills on that show about the black urban teacher man?...

Laertus: Mark Curry is an example to us all about overcoming suicide after fire. through the spiritual fire...

Pat: once again i am so sorry...

Woody: one of these days i'm gonna get the chance for a scene where they actually SHOW me having sex with the unattainable A-list Hollywood woman...

Don Knotts: after the whole fish thing i needed to learn to fly for security reasons, so here i am: i'm a certified helicopter pilot now. i am the LITERAL deus ex machine dropping in from the sky to save the script...

Richard Dreyfuss: this is all humans' doing, no aliens, humans came up with all the rules...

Dirg: FAO Schwartz, Toys R Us without the Nintendo games. why does Max look different here? it's like he regressed...

Woody: but he's a smart kid! top of his grade!...

Dirg: no he looks shorter now, smaller. 

Don Knotts: i switched the kids without Woody and Mira knowing. as is my function. now THAT's a good ending!

Jimmy Durante: i'm all for helping out a fellow Tribesman but...this is my song but...

Dirg: this movie doesn't REALLY explain why Mira is so smart tho. Mira's character Mira's character!...

Eye Luggage: i haven't smiled in so long i forgot how...g'night, folks

Helena Bonham Carter: you couldn't find my cunt? well i can't find your cock!

Woody: relax, honey, calm down! it's a joke i'm a jokewriter.

Helena Bonham Carter: DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!!! wow that felt good. STOP TOUCHING MY ARM!!!

Woody: i touch you cos that's how i make you loosen your guard up with me when i talk. it's my offense defense mechanism. you don't have to worry about me, i hate pizza...

Helena Bonham Carter: *tears streaming down her face* our poor boy Max! missing cos he got bullied for having a mustache! ironically that same stache would have helped him in high school!...g'night, folks...

Dirg: this was just trying to piggyback off the success of Schindler's List. for shame. bad camerawork, too, there were a lot of scenes where the two principals are talking way way way in the background at a distance between football players or the boxing gym, very weird. dialogue would happen as the screen showed a boxing bag. g'night, folks...

Mira: my perfect match in this film would have been Peter Vecsey playing Karnov if Karnov had an ulcer. g'night, folks.

Max Kellerman: Troll Book Club, i'm using this colored-ink thin newspaper sheet in my hand to buy all the new Garfield long rectangular books...

Pat: such innocent days! such innocent days we live in! getting the beneficent view of trolls here before all that tech to replace teachers comes in. this sheet, this news media IS beneficent! it's the internet now, it's the way news spreads to kids...

 

 

TMIT: SAKURA AND TMIT DROPS!

1. what is an ideal weekend for you?

no SNL. don't get me wrong, i love SNL. i obsess over SNL. but a man needs to breathe on the weekends.........when there's no SNL i watch old SNLs from the '70s and '80s at Blockbuster...

2. what is the craziest job you would consider taking?

Sbarro regional manager. cos deep down i always wanted to work at the mall as my afterschool job in high school. what more could you ask for? Orange Julius to the right of me, Hot Dog On A Stick to the left of me, Time Out arcade to the back of me, and i fuck Mrs. Fields in front by the fountain. and the rats, all the rats.........the mall rats...

3. where would you rate yourself as a kisser on a scale of 1 to 10?, 10 being the best ever:

i've never kissed anyone. i've only fucked them. and they've fucked me over, so it didn't work out for either party. that's when i decided i would never enter politics again. they say you should practice kissing on your elbow but i've found it's best to practice kissing on a banana in the backstage of a high-school production of The King & I...

4. what do you like most and least about your significant other's cooking?

i'm French so he yells at me and calls me a pig: this is our foreplay. he slaps my face with his spaghetti fish. and then Gordon rips off his chef coat and tall hat and doesn't get into the tub like all his other reality shows but rather starts orgasming at the top of his lungs and his whole body turns golden and sparkly... 

i had an Anthony Bourdain spaghetti dish once, it made me cry back then cos it was so out-of-this-world but now it makes me cry for other reasons...

5. how has smartphone photography changed your world?

i mean this really is incredible, this really has changed the game. i don't have to go to art school anymore! sure everyone wants to get into USC Film School and do an episode of Imagemakers for KQED but it's dang expensive! now all you need to make a movie is one Samsung with the Dolby inside, the quality is cinematic!

BONUS: what is a good life? i ship Kristen Bell and Ted Danson...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

 

THE ONE IN APRIL

notes:

* Phoenix: brutal week, Coke, you FINALLY did the right thing but i was seriously considering the boycott. ME. ME!!! ME AND COKE!!! 

* Doryce: see, dear? this man needs four eggs despite the empty carton.

Bryson: it's lean bacon tho. can bacon really be lean?

Gladyce: don't let all that protein go to your head, muscle dear, you need that space for your cyberbrain...

Bryson: Paige Spiranac sends out her daily tweet of my performance and somehow that's a news article...

AV Club: not just on our site...

Bama: i'm not jealous of other beefy B male...

* *practicing at the Masters dinner which no one is allowed to see*

Tiger: it's just meat and potatoes...

* Martin Yan: i oil my club...

* man at subway: six feet...

woman: sorry.

man: six-foot putt...

woman: you're using an umbrella...

man: i was so into it i forgot about the umbrella...

* John Stamos: ER was my best-ever work for television...

* Phoenix: are we crazy? yes. but it's not our fault, God is crazy. the gods must be crazy but god is crazy. also, when you take a drone's-eye view, the whole concept of professional sports is ridiculous...

* woman: FUCK YOU! i'm not the windowwasher! i'm on a business call which means i'm onhold all day!
 

* Maxine Gullo: i didn't let racial epithets bring me down. i built this city on electronica! because of me you sit in that cushy house in Obec, bitch! that gullwing DeLorean is mine and i'm sending all you red meatheads back to 2020!

* i need to tell you this in an all-nite cafe under neon light: i saw your car fly away...

* btw Denny's is open indoor dining.........i don't know if that's a good thing...

* Bryson: drawing lines on your clubface isn't cheating, i need to know the specific angle...

* i can't tell which is which! which is the club and which is the brush!

* Paige Spiranac: stop looking at my top! that was my secret gymnastics move for the Masters!

Nastia Liukin: did it already, honey. you're already retired? it's still gonna be called the 2020 Olympics...

* Bryson: everyone on tour hates me cos i killed golf. made it safe for robots. so my only friend is this Wilson golfball i drew a smileyface on...

* the blond hunk from Days of our Lives who had to sing Christmas carols the day after 9/11...

* Bob Odenkirk: see this?

Craig Robinson: overdue library book?

Bob: the menu. 

Craig: i see tiffany lamps behind you, the menu is pizza. 

Bob: this is Ms. Driscoll's Pee Chee!

Craig: what's inside?!

Bob: all her dates. we saw firsthand all those men enter and leave her house after school...

* can we go back to offices with cushy orange flatbeds for tables?...a siesta not 5 Hour Energy improves performance...

* the BART subway is open indoor dining.........i don't know if that's a good thing...

* Jordan Spieth: notice how i dropped the we and only speak as i now...i wasted too many of my good years, this is all about ME now, bitch!

 * Zalatoris: i am Sean Penn before politics. i did NOT work out with Bryson. i'm the lead singer of Silverchair but my first album is still hot! i went surfing and my board broke me in half...

* Prince Philip: had a few racial gaffes but it was the War. i had the best grandfatherly smile in the world...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: A1 burger at Carl's, A1 sauce, cos they only serve steak at the clubhouse...

since Rory is a lost cause and his glory years are already behind him *heavy heavy heavy heavy heavy heavy heavy heavy heavy heavy sigh* i'm rooting for Cameron Champ, the man with the brilliant name! HIS win would be Tigeresque considering the times we live in now...

PhD PAT: NOMAD WITHOUT A NOMADLAND

Pat: i am innocent. nobody is evil they're just misunderstood. i am a wanderer just like you...

Bryson DeChambeau: cork the bubbly, i'm here. call me the inch man. how can i be a carnivorous caveman when i have an MIT cyberbrain? The Masters will be hard this year? playing high dry and fast? no no no, it won't be hard for me...

Paul Pierce interviewing Brooke Baldwin: we both left our cushy jobs for no reason...

Drew Barrymore: i call it the NINJA GERTIE!!!...

E.T.: too many air fryers flooding the market! all have oven like my belly...

Brooke Baldwin interviewing Allison Janney: girl you don't have to front with me. happily single only gets you so far. soon you will break, the best do.

Allison Janney: if i meet that someone special i meet them, if i don't i don't. i'm fine.........i'm fine. i'm just starting on my journey of self-discovery.

Brooke: AT 60???!!! girl you don't got much time left!!!

Allison Janney: do you know if your brother Billy is single?...

Dirg: when i get married...

Laertus: *ahem* *cough*

Dirg: ...i ain't doing couples therapy. my wife and i will simply play the video game It Takes Two together...

Popeye: IT'S NOT FAIR!!! the market is so flooded with chicken sandwiches now everyone forgot about the OG!

Wilma Flintstone: um, i like the indie girl-band commercial as much as the next bone babe, but it will never be booted out of rotation with a swift Fred kick, it will never retire to avoid Mar-a-Lago, it's been going uninterrupted for 12 years, can we PLEASE get a new Fruity Pebbles commercial going!...

Laertus: come on, SKYRIZI, that's blatant pandering. change the song to a country twang and add cornhole???!!!

Eye Luggage: pandering to a unified country maybe?

Rubikon: wait, do you folks have a full Easter Dinner with ham and all the trimmings and sides, too? over at our crib it's our Second Thanksgiving...

Bob Odenkirk: it could have been worse, Jeremy Irons, we could have done a Lolita monologue. you can't push me around anymore, i'm an action star...

Jeremy Irons: next time I'LL write the damn thing! how hard can it be to write an SNL monologue! get me a pen and Cecily Strong...

Stabler: Liv, why didn't you introduce me to Noah? that was heartbreaking. that boy was supposed to be MY son!

Benson: it was snowing...

Kathie Lee Gifford: oh Craig T Nelson! look over here, cunt i mean CTN...look up like Brando...up there is the Coach reboot script...

Jeffrey Dean Morgan: i hated it so much i almost quit acting!

Shatner: but my man, you could have saved the Star Trek: Enterprise show! you had clout! nobody on that ship had clout... 

Dirg at LUSH:

Madame Pons: here Dirg, take these crystals. now throw away your Redo of Healer...

Michael Weiss wearing a UCLA jersey: like a teacher on Instagram i have to essentially give my followers "assignments" telling them to give me a Shel Silverstein quote or something, actual homework...

Nikesh wears the nikes across the street around the corner...

Madame Pons: project partner, it's like twinflame but more practical...

Doryce to Gladyce: dear you only want me to finish that soup cos it's Costco Chicken Soup in that big-ass plastic canteen and you want me to clear it from the fridge...

Doryce: he called me hoary!

Gladyce: i like my grey hair...

Jill Biden: it's a whole new world...literally...

Putin: unlike Mickey Bump i don't have a problem with maids...

Julia Ioffe: I'M NOT THE LOVECHILD!!!

St. Jude: having trouble growing your garden? here, try my tomato seeds...

Takahashi sleeps over at LUSH for the first time, he and Madame Pons are rolled up like a human burrito in one weighted blanket on the roof of LUSH on top of a waterfall:

Takahashi: rest easy, puppy. we're gonna travel the world like Galivant and Pat. we're gonna live forever...

Laura Donnelly: milk? i'll get it myself...

Dirg: straight from the tit?

Laura Donnelly: i shoulda been the lead in Clockwork Orange...

Johnny Juzang: my name is Juice...

Rubikon: i make my birthday cards homemade, but if i have to buy them, i make it Hallmark Mahogany...

Cotard: Christmas midnight mass is actually pretty fun...it's so dark out, the coffee tastes beanier, the donuts taste sweetier...

Dirg: those Instagram profiles where you don't know if they're real tho they look real, of swarthy Qatari women in heavy skirts and heavy beads, with blue and green eyes, getting married in a sterile room holding one bouquet of orange roses...

Nathalia Ramos: strangely blake holsey i'm known more for Arrested Development than House of Anubis...

Jessica Walter: i'm jealous of your accent, chickadee...

Francis Magee: tell me about it, i HATE video games! my pin is a pin from a grenade from the War of the Roses not woke twitter on their heart pockets... 

Jim Gaffigan: ...

Jessica Walter: looking back, i shoulda married Francis Magee not Jeffrey Tambor...nothing to do with sex, pure personality match...

Borat: i was based off Isla Fisher's mom...

Biden: i want every city to be like San Francisco...

Dirg: KNEW IT!!!

Biden: no i mean every city has public transit consisting of one lifesize red Mister Rogers trolley...

Rodgers: i got trollied...

Kelly Sills: i want to speak with the manager...Walt Disney...yes Walt Disney the man himself!, only he would understand...

ex-President Bump: holy shit! pizza with olive oil. holy shit! my tweets now get 200 likes! 200 likes and 7 comments! what the hell happened! this is not good!...

Martha Stewart: i don't actually write thirst trap on that selfie, it really was a post about the history of my pool. The Stones i mean the stones. all that chlorine was in my hair as you can see. my lips were chapped from all that water...

Beyonce: you got my ass drinking milk...

LeBron: you got MY ass drinking milk...only Droogs will be allowed in the stands during the NBA Finals...

Akane from SSSS Gridman: it was all a dream...

Rebecca Sugar: that's what i've been trying to tell you! all cartoons are a dream...

Nadal: the official start to summer is the French Open...

Bethany Havey: yes, have some. i'm the Paradise, CA resident, not the porn star. TQM, te quiero mucho... 

Madame Pons: i refuse to accept the Pacific Grove McDonald's is closed permanently! we're gonna open it again, Taka.

Takahashi: reopen after a coat of paint? save the farm? i'm in like original sin. it was so lush and beautiful hidden in the verdant woods...

Madame Pons: forest fries. that place was the citadel of cholesterol, we'll do a rebrand with just green options! this is the last one!, clear this candle off the shelf!

Taka: which one? which one do i throw?

Madame Pons: the candle that has the scent of Freshly-Signed Divorce Papers...

Matt Barrie: wait does Olbermann still work here?...

Keith Olbermann: is it a crime for a white man to love The Jeffersons?... 

Rummikub: we thought this would work better than any peace deal...

Cecily Strong: everytime i say down my throat in one of my skits, i'm giving men, women, aliens, and everyone fluid in between something to strive for, something to live for...

Jason Sudeikis: if you're gonna make a shirt statement, at least make it global, don't just keep it in the family...

Jaden Smith: i'm not gray cos i'm a Lizard Person, i'm gray cos i eat like a lizard!

Michelle Williams: NOW do you see why i was so angsty on Dawson's Creek? i have to raise Heath Ledger's daughter alone!

Steve McQueen: gimme my barbells or i become the Joker...

Henry Rollins: they let us practice there. i was the first man to see 7-Eleven not as a store but as a world. now i feel bad, if only i had had a slurpee with Robin Williams there to show him my world...

Cecily Strong: showing the end of each skit, the stage and the climbing camera, is not a good idea...

Doryce: i love Bama's miracle meat, it's nice and juicy.

Gladyce: and smoky. wait his Hormel Spam?

Doryce: Bama's preparing for the Apocalypse with bunker canned goods... 

Mardith: FLOW is my version of LATOM...

Dirg: why isn't Invincible on adult swim?!! this is precisely what adult swim is for!...

Gladyce: Doryce dear, i know the Metamucil powder in the water is a pain to drink with all the mush in your mouth so why not eat the cookies! eat the biscuits!

Steve Jobs: the wafers are my favorite!

John Belushi: as long as it's not a rubber biscuit...

Derrida: i want Larry David to play me in the movie...

Avi Arad: so who was The Creator on Mutant X? will we finally learn his identity in the fourth season? the creator is ME!

Victoria Pratt: fuck those lawsuits, they killed the show! for the record, I am the original Victoria Pratt, not the Victoria Pratt from Heroes...

Gwen Stefani: yeah i can't explain it either...

Jill Biden: Joe and i met on PlentyofFish. i could smell him through his profile, he smelled like a Fillet-o-Fish from McDonald's. we played Go Fish on our first date...

Joe Biden: that's when i knew she was the one, we didn't play Solitaire...

Michael Phelps: please Mr. President, please Mr. Biden, don't do this! i need this! i need the Olympics for my depression...

Melissa Maker has an audience with Tom Hanks...

Dirg: 

wait for me and we'll walk through this world together

in a vaccum tho this line is beautiful...

Laertus: we all got comfortable challenging the President of the United States, do you know how scary that is?!...

Laertus: i can't throw away my used inkless pens! can't do it anymore, they're too precious to me, they wrote my masterpieces, cared for my wounded heart when it broke and shattered, drew circles for comfort zones and dried my tears with ink when i cried...

Ricardo Montalban: elly gontz?

Elly Gotz: i'm a Holocaust survivor. i'm a testament to the power of human love.

Ricardo Montalban: i am so sorry. i feel awful. and i'm just over here selling elegant cars...

Lindy Lee: anybody want some black-seaweed taffy?...

Alan Walker: look for me in the new Mortal Kombat movie...

Molly Goddard: i'm not saying i'm God, but i'm better than Godard...

Enas Mekky: i'm the Algerian Kathy Griffin...

Wu Zetian: i did it all for the nookie. i did it all myself, on my own instinct and will. self-reliance. there were no self-help books to guide me...

Hayden Christensen: whoa, i've been out of it for years......i thought i married Padme but turns out it was Rachel Bilson...

Kat Wilderness: we're not in the wilderness anymore...

Boc: love you, Kat.

Dave Grohl: before Nirvana i was that guy who dressed in tights and a tunic and Robin Hood hat and sang on a lute on PBS in the '80s...

Tyzik wearing a Green Bay Packers jersey: concentrate on making each time you go onto a soap celebrity babe's Instagram memorable, make it a quality visit: write a clever comment and recommend a chocolate milkshake in the DM box when she asks what's the perfect pre-workout drink.

Takahashi: um, if you gotta do milky, Yakult...

Tyzik: every week on Instagram feels like a year...

Doryce: i am, i am, i'm looking in the classifieds...

Gladyce: any openings for a between-maid, dear?...

Doryce: we all Chipped in and got Joanna a Going away present...

Takahashi: ...and i don't even work out...

Doryce: used Jack In The Box leftover food smells horrible when it wasn't your meal...

Tyzik: PLANTERS PEANUTS FIGURED OUT DEATH AND THE AFTERLIFE! it's terminal velocity...

Tre Cool: i stay mum, i don't say much, i know when to keep my mouth shut for the good of the band...i got most of my millions from Green Day shirt sales...specifically the one with the nearly-naked greenhaired punk girl with the skateboard kneepads...

Kahlil Gibran: my rap name is Lil KG. memory is a form of meeting. i started New Age. i'm not gay, i just was too busy to marry Mary...Haskell...shame, that's why i drank...cos time...

Mardith: *starry-eyed* OMFG! i just met Kahlil Gibran! i remember you...

Madame Pons: i forget...i'm free...

Kenyatta: it's an optical illusion, i thought that high extra apostrophe was a speck of dust...

Pat: Dirg, it's time for you to try Muslim Burger across the street, it will change your life, it's so juicy...

Sonia Delaunay: GET AWAY FROM ME, SARTRE! i'm not another lay!

Roger Federer: i'll stick the vaccine needle in your butt myself...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Dirg: Backdraft was a serviceable movie.........see what i did there? as in fire service...

Jennifer Jason Leigh: i am NOT Elisabeth Shue!

Billy Baldwin: i remember when Backdraft first came out. it scared me, it intrigued me, it was mysterious and spooky, there was danger and naked butts and a ton of darkening smoke. much like Tim Burton's Batman...

Laertus: back when they used real fire not CGI flames...

Dirg: that poster caught my eye. but still, the '90s to me are just smelly granola chicks...

Eye Luggage: Last Tango in Paris and go...

Marlon Brando arrives in Paris:

Marlon: *hands up* i'm not here for Spring Break. not in the way you think, i got important business to attend to, renewal is always springing in Paris. i'm just here to see The Bitch (1979)...

Celine: SURE, THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY!!!...

Joan Collins: i don't do that stuff anymore, i'm a serious writer, GET THAT BUTTER AWAY FROM ME!!!

Ethan Hawke: without Brando here in this, there would be no Jesse...

Laertus: i mean.........okay i'll start...well this is a very controversial film. on the one hand it's high art and considered bravura Brando's best standalone performance, his best Stanislavski monologues...

Stanislavski: i never wanted my actors to never break character and carry it home with them, that's how divorces happen! well, everyone except Jim Carrey, i want him to be ON forever... 

De Niro: I COULDA DONE THIS PART!!! I MEAN LOOK AT BRANDO'S HAIR!!! it's as silly as my hair in Backdraft!

Brando: i thought that was hep hair, mod look...with my hair i was going for the pre-Cobain Cobain...i lived longer than Cobain...

Laertus: is there any more special place than Paris in the '70s?...

Maria Schneider: just to be crystal clear: i was raped. i would be Bardot now were't not for butter.

Brando: hey that face you made, that's where buttaface comes from, right? i dunno, kids today and their fads. it wasn't butter tho, i can't believe it's not butter! i mean the anal sex wasn't real. it's just a movie. 

Maria: it scarred me for life. i'm an actress not a prostitute!!!

Brando: buttering those buns i mean PARKAY!!!.........i mean i shoulda asked if you were OKAY...

Dirg: Brando, as bloated as this so-called film. where was this "film" shown when it came out? the arthouse or the porno theater?

Dirg: Maria Schneider? are you French or German?

Maria: Romanian, numbnuts. i ain't no nun but don't call me a gypsy...

Mardith: i do love your hat in this, miss, it's so iconic with the flower! and your poofy hair.

Maria: i look like Before Jennifer Grey. hair game? doesn't beat my costar...JPL...

Jean-Pierre Leaud: i was the lead. Maria went toe-to-toe with Brando and eclipsed him, she was a powerhouse here despite her accent which no one not even me could understand. to this day people think i'm the famous director who invented New Wave. yeah i had some pretty wild hair over the years, one to play Tim Burton and one to play Bach but it really was Phil Spector...

Dirg: all the other ones in this are parochial French actors: that one chick grew up big to make Fat Girl. and that other chick did that cock-sucking scene...

Jean-Luc Bideau: i bid you adieu.........i'm not the French boy from Kyle XY...

Rubikon: don't forget Darling Legitimus! she is legitimate! she's the Truth! quietly stealing scenes her whole career cos blacks could only play maids and landlady key witches...

Pauline Kael: i was the only woman who stood up for this. in fact i was the only critic man or woman who defended it. the most famous film review of all time. i'm sorry but this was the way film was going at the time, it had broken in this direction....  

Robert Ebert: without that review, i'd be just another fat kid on the corner with a perverted view of sex instead of a cinematic one...

Bertolucci: i went to jail for this. then, i went to prison for this to keep this piece of work of mine viable and able to be accessed and seen by the public. i mean do you know how much blood sweat tears and cum went into making this? i ain't throwing all it out down the Italian bidet!

TCM: this isn't just another example of wokeness, this thing really is problematic!!!

Francis Bacon: they stole my act! they stole my paintings!!! the one of Susan Lucci at Sesame Street! i was dead so i couldn't charge their capital. the least they could have done is pay me in hams...and i don't mean buns...

Rubikon: soundtrack all colorized noir hence the trumpets and sex saxes, all from jazz of course...

Laertus: it's so much easier to shoot around the city than to build sets, your setting is already built!

Dirg: wait, is this gonna be all French with no English subtitles? well fuck me. or both languages? is Brando just gonna speak English? does Brando know French fluently or is he acting that he knows French?...

Bertolucci: yeah actually this was a problem. it should have been all or nothing, either have the whole thing French with English subtitles or have the two actors only speak English. 

Eye: disagree, director, this works. it's very natural, this is how it would be in Paris in the '70s, especially the student section, a mix of both, dipping in and out of the two languages, and both at once...

Dirg: scream to start, shoulda been a clue. if he's a hotel owner why doesn't he buy the apartment? the '70s, when an old man can just start humping on a random young-girl stranger off the street...

Brando: btw those kids were just peeing in the bush. even tho i'm supposed to be the old man in this, many people mistakenly think this was my final role or something, my Mickey Rourke comeback, but i actually did this concurrently with The Godfather...

Dirg: no names, we don't want the police involved. calmly discussing LP records after the rape. 

Brando: okay that was funny. not that, the suicide scene. not that suicide is funny, but my big dramatic moment when i monologue for hours over my wife's living casket with those toxic purple flowers that made me sneeze acid and read hieroglyphics, that's why i'm constantly pausing. i wasn't looking up to the sky for grace, the WHY ME GOD, that's where my cue card was! taped to the ceiling! hahahahahaha

Maria: so sir, you use cue cards? so THAT's the secret...

Brando: yeah makes it organic and improv, in-the-moment, present, FLOW and LATOM. i never memorize lines.

Cecily: you'd be perfect for SNL...well, not anymore...

Brando: i asked to write my lines on your butt, Maria...

Bertolucci: my response: we may be doing something sketchy here, but i'm not rude.

Brando: would have went well with the whole butter thing, clear your rear, clarified butter...

Pat: IHOP? oh they do a production of Into The Woods! like we did in college!

doctor: actually that was Rocky Horror...

Dirg: i mean is this whole movie just Brando walking in and out of rooms and darkened hallways?...

Dirg: yeah beat that French fag in the street!

Maria: i mean i have to shave Brando's back while i keep my hairy bush? 

Brando: be grateful we used a rat and not a pig, the pig stuff was my improv. the insanity of sexual fantasy...we have a father/daughter relationship...

Laertus: the SNL steel-cagematch elevator from the '80s!...

Brando: i ate that rat in real life...

G Gordon Liddy: hey can i have some of that rat, Marlboro old pal?...

Brando: you get the horsehead...

Laertus: making a movie is hard. making a movie with a '70s camera is hardest. with real reel-to-reel film. this is the first reality tv show! 

Maria: lifesaver, i would have preferred the candy after that kiss...

Laertus: hear that, Dirg? uniforms are useless, very Picardian.

Dirg: and then a long wandering monologue about some dog that hunted him? bit him in the butter? it's like he was reading the cue cards from Our Town...

Eye: never knew a cock was called a joint. and FINALLY we get to the ostensible tango bar! the actual title! and it's tres chic and '70s, open-mike night, no frills, no footlights or lasers, just a plain wood basketball court and mahogany purple velvet suits with purple gin...

Dirg: and suddenly Brando is Sean Connery. but farm life is the best, no pressure...

Maria: Brando was a bad dancer, and if i had seen that was what your butt looked like, like a bruised peach, Mr. Marlon Brando, i never would have sex with you if this were real life! ironic with the butt thing...

Brando: did you see how i stuck out my tongue, wagged it, and acted crazy? i was setting the template for all future Jokers to come...

Madame Pons: no means no, bro. don't be a frat guy, don't you have a mom?...

Mardith: Clue library...

Maria: your wife killed herself cos you're Marlon Brando...

Brando: it's a tragedy cos i finally in the end wanted to start a family with you, have a family to tie me to this world. which my bitch of a wife who whacked herself couldn't muster. i made you an offer, a gift. think about that the next time people voluntarily don't have children... 

Maria: i wouldn't have shot you if you didn't put on my father's military hat...can't make fun of the troops...

Brando: and i don't look dead, i look like i'm sleeping on the balcony. g'night, folks...

Maria: and i'm rehearsing my story for when Encyclopedia Brown questions me...g'night, folks...

Encyclopedia Brown: thank you, Maria, i'll take it from here. re-hearse, clever girl. so what do you want to do here...

Galivant: dunno, Pat's not here. 

Pat: *huffing and puffing* i'm here i'm here sorry, what'd i miss?

Galivant: everything. the entire ceremony and the last rites. the wedding was a day ago, our guests all drove home across the seven seas. where were you? you don't pray anymore so i texted you. Encyclopedia Brown here was nice enough to volunteer to be the officiant.

Encyclopedia Brown: *fixes his belt around his skinny belly* yeah Detective Conan---the anime one---was busy being the officiant to the wedding of Jimmy Kudo and Rachel...

Pat: completely forgot. i was watching my shows. 

Galivant: shows? strippers?

Pat: no my tv shows, Chicago Fire and ER, i never miss them. in case i become a doctor. even when i'm at college i have to watch. ESPECIALLY when i'm at college i watch them more cos it's my only tie to home and anything ground in this world. 

Galivant: *glumly* i'm not your home? i can never wear this dress again, it was timed to go out with the universe, i...i'm not mad...i can't show you i'm mad...can't have you with that power over me...i...ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

Pat: *chuckles lightly* heehee, angry God...

Galivant: angsty God. so are you finally living the life you dreamt?

Pat: yes, i'm living in memories, not long-term long-range plans. a robot has spam, an android has memory. but you know, i finally figured it out: this whole thing that i'm going through now, there wasn't a name for it before but now there is thanks to The CW: all this going crazy in supermarkets and not knowing what direction i'm in, where i'm going, the anxiety of the preadolescence of escaping parent tennis and dating a Russian cos my country abandoned me but mostly cos she was hot and smoking ivy and running away as my profession cos i'm in track and switching majors and going for paper---PhD not money---and not knowing what i'm doing and who i should be with if i ever do find anyone and the girl from Earth Girls who started it all cos she birthed me my notion of womanhood and blissful aural femininity and girls are NOT easy and setting fire to things accidentally: i went through a QUARTER-LIFE CRISIS.