Monday, February 26, 2024

BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: THE DREAM NEVER DIES

 



me: i'm going back to college.
Jen P: where have i heard this before?
me: no seriously this time. i dunno. i just feel i have to DO something now, you know? no more excuses.
Jen: covid is over. 
me: i'm REALLY starting to get bored. i have to go back and do it right this time, go in with a plan. i didn't have a plan before, i was rudderless and a waylaid wingnut. i should be studying Theatre, doing plays, writing plays.
Jen: i'll help you with that. when was the last time you acted?
me: i act all the time in my fantasies.
Jen: but, like, how are you gonna sustain yourself writing plays? writing plays can't be your JOB, that's an airy pipe dream, take it from me, i only survive cuz i have a mysterious trust fund.

me: therein lies the rub. i'm not going back to Berkeley. per se. not the famous one, i'm attending Berkeley City College, that's a pubic college, right? it's free, right?
Jen: no shame in your game, that's very admirable. a degree's a degree, right? no one's gonna know, it says the word BERKELEY on the diploma, that's as far as anyone reads, you'll still be a hit at parties trying to impress your rich relatives. 
me: i wish Aunt Cork would've helped me more...
Aunt Cork: money heals all wounds.
Jen: so ready for a SECOND bombshell? second hammer? you can't stay at my place anymore.
me: i understand. that Island Treehouse was quite extravagant for two people anyway.
Jen: yeah. my dad wants to cut it down for Amazon Rainforest scrapwood to erect a mall. he voted for Bolsonaro. don't you have an aunt or something who lives in the suburbs?
me: i'm thinking of one better...

at the park. without a car.
me: i've been inspired by British TV lately. Ewen MacIntosh the original Keith on The Office, he was in that comedy troupe The Improverts.
Jen: nice name.
me: i want to be in a creative group like that for once, a true-blue bonafide university comedy coven that uses blue humor and adult humor as in sophisticated intellectual humor and has college-aged women in it. i'm sick of writing alone.
Jen: i want to see you thrive. what is your deepest desire in life?
me: to have a wife who's also my mommy.
Jen: okay but like, career-wise?
me: i want to MONOLOGUE my way through life...

The Outer Limits "Balance of Nature".
Barbara Rush: i always wanted to do a Carlos Reygadas film...

PG&E: we have to do rolling blackouts that last two days to prevent a power outage which lasts a year. 
Jackie Fitzgerald: what are you gonna do, huh? Carmel is pretty enough to endure this. it's not like any of us are gonna start giving Elon Musk MORE money.

Scarlett Johansson: i record my voice for use in anime now, just to piss everyone off...

Boc: a corkscrew landed on my head. that's gotta mean something, right? 
seagull from the roof: i did it. because you need to learn to relax, Boc.

Boc: walking weather is 70 to 80 so it's no fun, it JUST MISSES 69. as you know i'm not into tits so DD doesn't stand for big juicy Double-D titties, it stands for my father, Dad Denny's...

Gordon Ramsay: is there anything more satisfying than Saturday Morning Soccer with a Sausage N Egg McMuffin in your gob?

Cushing syndrome: it's crushing.

Front Counter Custom: we here at the Jack in the Box in Berkeley go the extra mile to foster our gifted students' creativity. it's not fashioning the light-brown cardboard drink-holder into a balloon animal, it's putting our burgers and fries INSIDE a vintage tin jack-in-the-box from a carnival in Paris in 1923. 

Jen and i are strolling around inside a tiny grey grocery cart that barely squeezes in the both of us rolling up down all around the narrow aisles of our local corner mart here at Berkeley. at 1 in the afternoon. 
me: i mean this in the most scientific way possible: did your tits grow?
Jen: you don't fool me, you'd NEVER be a Science Major!!! you'd rather, i don't know, DROP OUT OF COLLEGE than study science!!!
me: it's still a hobby of mine tho. it's still my creed. i need it for those university quizzes on Saturday nights.
Jen: it's a good thing this mart is right next to a bus bench. 
me: what happened to our car?!!! i mean your car.
Jen: the real DeLorean? mommy lent it out to Michael J. Fox for his one last ride.
me: i always did like your mother more than your father.
Old Spice on the shelf: see? we make Unscented spray, too...

Dirg: sex quest...
Mardith: sex questions before you get married?
Dirg: no, that PC game Sex Quest. for the Personal Computer...
Mardith: sigh.

helado cart with orange slices frozen to the side of the water panel on the corner: the official start of Spring...

Barbecue Township, North Carolina: look at the map, it even looks like a pork cutlet...

Lana Del Rey: my pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola. but i'm a switch, i'll try Coke. especially that new Coke Spice. speaking of, am i in Dune? it seems like if anyone should be in Dune it should be me...

Lorne Michaels: i mean have you EVER seen such a surreally bizarre thing in television history? you fire someone then that someone ends up HOSTING the show?!!! there must have been a clause in his termination contract...

at the Berkeley Film and Cell Institute.
Takahashi: i have one more year to go...
me: me, too. how hard could it be?
The Walking Dead: um, can we just let the whole Walking Dead thing DIE?!!! BOTH MEANINGS!!! seriously. just let it go, this franchise became a zombie DECADES ago...
Dragon's Lair cartoon: i know this cartoon and Smurfs are both Medieval cartoons, but man this is nothing like The Smurfs in any manner of qualitative measurement of quality.
Bertram the horse: imagine ACTUALLY being a knight in Medieval times.........imagine your day-to-day life in that knight job...

Alfonso Cuaron in Mexico City: i got some extra black-and-white water in my fridge...

Tears for Fears "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video: that man was carrying a flattened paper hat of In-N-Out Burger fries!!!

Smoking Behind the Supermarket with You: if Lost in Translation were a manga...
Ear Horn: smoking is allowed INSIDE Pic-N-Save, it was the '80s...

Chamberlain Coffee: makes a priest see Meggie as more than an Outback parishioner...
Richard Chamberlain: i was not gay during The Thorn Birds...
Meggie eating her own donut: church kitchens are fascinating, they hoard the best coffee down there...

Ear Horn: witchcraft is such a dirty word. back in my day it was called demonry, such a gentle word.

Candace Bailey: my Whopper topping? green M&Ms that look like Nickelodeon slime of course!!! wasn't i in a Burger King commercial in the '80s with Seth Green when we were both 5-year-old kids?...

i settle into my new apartment and living arrangements in the Berkeley suburbs.
Alejandro: hey Pat.
i shake Alejandro by the collar in love.
me: i greatly admire you, Alejandro. i really do. you're my only friend in this cold cruel world, you're the only non-family person that i embrace physically with hugs. i wish i had your life, you work at the mart then you go on the bus cuz you can't drive back to your gated community, your life is so safe and secure, no drama, it's the best.
Alejandro: i find that people don't see me any different because of my condition, in fact they embrace me MORE warmly.
me: everyone in bed!!! well not you, Alejandro, just Jen.
Jen knocks on the door.
Jen P, shocked face with those puckered lips: oh i see!!! so THIS is why you wanted to move out!!! who is SHE?!!!
Jen R in bed: hi. i know your name is Jen, too, i can tell from your face you're a fellow Jennifer, we have a psychic connection.
Jen P: yeah. you know what, i'm not even mad, you don't have to explain, i actually understand. it's fine. it's fine. it's time, right? i can't ask you to make a sacrifice and then expect to not get burned.
me: it's time. but we're still college chums for life, right?
Jen P: i'm a college chump but you found YOUR Jennifer.
Ken: a Jeopardy College Champ will be crowned soon during Spring Break...
me: Jen R's gonna be the the Princess of Berkeley.
Jen P: i can see that on your face, Jen R, you'll fit right in and take over by noon.
Jen R: and by moon. my naked butt. gimme gimme gimme gimme Gimme Chameleon...
Jen P: oh hi Alejandro.
Alejandro: hey Pat.
Jen P: Alejandro, you, and me used to all work at the mart that summer BEFORE college. those were simpler innocent times. *rustling her white plastic grocery bag* anyway speaking of the mart i brought us all some Subway. of course i didn't think it was gonna be for FOUR people.
Alejandro: let the four of us eat and be merry!!!
me: oh that's cool i was just thinking about Subway, i want to try their new sides, i want to see what a Subway churro tastes like.
Jen R: i need to taste that fucking chocolate-chip-cookie belt.   










Friday, February 23, 2024

SHORT CIRCUIT: WHEN AI WAS CUTE






 







Sora AI: sure, but can Sora heal you when you're sick on the weekend? don't get sick on weekends, EVERY doctor's office is closed.

Chinese dragon: see? i told you i was real...

Skip Bayless: with my Abacus life insurance policy, i SQUANDERED $150 million.
dad at the Berkeley Library Rotunda with a scarab beetle on his shoulder: ...
the Berkeley Library Rotunda: THIS is the rotunda y'all should have been at, the rotunda of TRUE freedom, intellectual freedom.

Kurt Cobain: it was kurtains for me...

coughing through the night: RACING to the morning, CAN'T WAIT to hit 7:30AM on the clock to achieve sleeping through the night. to halt the hacking. to wind down the wheezing.
Weezy from The Jeffersons: i never smoked. this ain't emphysema. bronchitis maybe.
coughing through the night: way to be, Sarah, you're a GENIUS!!! that humidifier is GENIUS!!! that humidifier is WET AND WARM!!!
Luke Russert: a Vicks VapoRub humidifier to boot!!! the machine makes the Vicks VapoRub steam shower FOR YOU!!! into MIST. i'm back, baby!!! i'm back to where i can handle being in a non-Tai way...
Tai: i'm breathing easy.........again.........especially at night...
Ollie Wride: "Coughing in the Night with You," i wrote a non-Vicks Vaporwave song about that.

Boc: it's a tricky temperature, it's 69, you don't know whether or not to wear a jacket. or at least a windbreaker to protect your power. don't wanna be hit by a trash truck on the curb corner right on the dot at 7:30AM.

Sarah: when you see 2 cars in the driveway, that brings peace.

Garbage Pail Kids cartoon: you need to have seen Boxing Helena to get the reference right there?...

William Shatner: the Private Moon Landing, yada yada yada. the real news here is that they're making NEW episodes of Star Trek!!! the '60s one with ME!!!

The Outer Limits "Balance of Nature".
Jamie Lee Curtis: about old people but not about energy yogurt. 
Carl Sagan: a deeply philosophical episode about the flow of time. you're going there, Outer Limits? you're really going there? you're gonna have a gilf sex scene? 
Barbara Rush: i'm space royalty!!! and a hot granny.
Outer Limits: one thing's for sure, the nightmares on Outer Limits are VERY real...

Bustamante: i'm very particular when it comes to telenovelas, i like my telenovelas Turkish.
Julie Patzwald: you a Picky Sue Got Married. you're not peculiar, you're particular. choosy moms choose JIF.  
Bustamante: will i ever be a mom? or just a sex object?
Julie Patzwald: we women can't have one without the other, that anime Boogiepop Phantom told us that. it's a good thing we goths are FRIENDS with Boogiepop Phantom. hell we CONJURED Boogiepop Phantom...

Eye Luggage: Short Circuit and go.
Kumail Nanjiani: so of course the character of Ben Jhaveri is DEEPLY DEEPLY DEEPLY offensive. i mean you look at that character today and you ask yourself, "what the FUCK were they thinking?!!!""
Pat Morita: and don't give me that "it was the '80s" crap, don't SULLY the grandeur of the '80s with YOUR fatal mistake!!! Mr. Miyagi is a symbol of unified crosscultural HOPE. you want me to go Mr. Miyagi on your ass?
John Badham: i was still hung up on WarGames, i didn't get the ending nor the casting i wanted, it's a lifelong obsession of mine to correct this, i was distracted.
Fisher Stevens: believe me, i am utterly sorry about this. no excuses, but i have to admit that i don't remember doing this part. no, seriously. i think i was doing codeine the ENTIRE time of being on set for this, i don't remember this character or doing any scenes with this character.

Kumail: so if we did this movie again and did it right, who would we cast? me, right?
Kal Penn: well it would definitely NOT be Aziz Ansari.
Kumail: no of course not, it would NEVER EVER be Aziz, that's a given.
Kal Penn: it would be me.
Kumail: that opens up a whole OTHER tin kettle of curry fish. about seniority in the caste system. 
Dr. Deepak Chopra: i mean even I could play the part, you know? i've always wanted to REALLY dip my wick in acting ever since i became best friends with Demi Moore. a professor-papa type like me, i could play the character as an oldISH man in the sequel. or as the character's father in the prequel...

El DeBarge: the only reason you know this move exists on VHS is because of ME and my song "Who's Johnny," you know that song you can hum under your breath but you never actually watched the music video for it. the song you sang to your meemaw at Pic-N-Save after a Bob's Big Boy run. in the '80s. 
Ear Horn: the Bob's Big Boy Sauce was the original Big Mac Sauce.
El DeBarge: i was bigger than Prince. for one week. i recorded that song on a barge.........better acoustics out there...

Ally Sheedy: something happened to my character after WarGames. they cut my hair short. i drive a truck. AND i rescue animals?!!! oh come on, just say you wanted me to be a lesbian!!!
John Badham: no nothing like that, we simply wanted you androgynous cuz we were entering into the Robotic Age then at the cusp of the '80s, there weren't gonna be sexes anymore...

Steve Guttenberg: i was TOO SEXY to be the lonely science nerd they needed me to be. i have too CUTE of a face!!! my interpersonal skills are too EFFERVESCENT to be an awkward stick-in-the-mud. i have the personality of fizzy soda. Fisher Stevens, you left your large codeine spoon in my trailer...
Paul Reiser: i WISH i had been Steve Guttenberg...

John Badham: okay i can FINALLY FINISH WarGames the way i wanted to!!! see? i'm bringing all those computers from WarGames back again to fill the set.

Laertus: why does this creepily look like that MAD Magazine Up the Academy movie?

MAD Magazine: doesn't it seem like WE invented Garbage Pail Kids?...

Steve: Newton Crosby? but i don't sing standards and i don't play ice hockey, the two things men need to do to woo women. the robot is a marital aid. EVERY SINGLE robot in film history has been used as a war weapon, let's have ONE be about LOVE. the robot i invented is completely harmless and fluffy, all it does is give you the middle finger.

SAINT: because our machines send you straight to Heaven...

*lightning strikes*
Ed from the band Live: ...
Number 5: just call me Johnny 5 from the start. see? i'm sentient. that proves it. Number 5 is STILL alive, bitch.

Astoria, Oregon: we were Portland before Portland...
Astoria, Oregon: the first star was seen HERE!!! without a telescope, with just the naked eye of the hippie.

Ally: i'm an ally to those who have chrome for brains. i love and want to save ALL of humanity, even machines. Stephanie Speck, i'm an insignificant speck of dust in the cosmos. hello, i am Carl Sagan's daughter, nice to meet ya, i love how you extend out your robo-arm.
Johnny 5: i'm having a bad day, have you ever woken up alive? that is a mindFUCK of a trip.
Sloth: omg, your house is the Goonies house!!!
Jen R: and the house is the color of Link's Champion's Tunic in the best Legend of Zelda game, Tears of the Kingdom!!!
Kurt Cobain: and i recognize that bridge!!!
Ally: yeah, it's just me and the Where's the Beef? lady who's my tenant in the basement, sweet old lady who lives quietly down there, never makes a fuss. this is my Pippi Longstocking mansion that transforms into a boathouse hence the stilts. you're the ULTIMATE stray, cuz you're an animal with wires. i rescue strays, in the future my granddaughter WILL BE Kate McKinnon...

Ally: i'm here to tell all you warmongering men about what the world should really be about: love. so what are you?
Johnny 5: Metal E.T. i'm WALL-E's father. you know, that sort of thing. i need input. no, not sex, knowledge.

Ally: this sandwich truck is iconic. right? it's this memorable food truck you see on the Oregon loggers' highways. what snacks do we serve? mostly tuna fish...
Ally: i was the first person to enter the word CATERING into the zeitgeist...

Ally: so i have this abusive ex-boyfriend who's not a cliche. i mean, maybe, mostly. he wears a baseball cap and carries a baseball bat around with him, why would anyone carry a bat with them?
abusive ex-boyfriend: i was a former MLB baseball player. as are all abusers. and those who run for Congress as Republicans. you can't hide from me!!! i wear tight blue jeans and i run and i know the spare key is in the vase!!! dammit you changed the locks!!!
Ally: remember changing the locks? that was such an '80s thing.

Johnny 5: wait, why are the only things i'm allowed to learn about the world from John Badham movies?...
Ally: don't worry, i'm dancing with you in my sheer negligee but there's no chance of us actually fucking, so...

Steve: Ben, do you know what a woman is?
Ben: women are a myth. women do not exist.
Steve: no, that's the internet. which has already been invented...
Steve: do you think she likes me? do you think Ally Sheedy likes me?
Ben: no, Newt, your mother does not even like you.

Johnny 5 accidentally squashes a grasshopper.
Mr. Miyagi: you see?!!! you see the disrespect?!!!
Johnny 5: the concept of death is dank as fuck.
Ally: yeah, there's nothing after, there's just nothing in an endless meaningless universe. it's pretty trippy. and cold.
Kurt Cobain: and then there's my world...
Johnny 5: it's a good thing i went to Sunday school or i'd have no concept that killing is wrong.
Codrus: Catholics are the ultimate programmers.

GW Bailey: i'm Scrotum uh Skroeder.

Johnny 5: i sound like one of those loopy Saturday-morning-cartoon kids...

Ally: this romantic Western campfire scene with the purple Vaporwave sunset sky looks like it's out of Disney's The Black Hole...

Steve: we can't disable Johnny 5!!! what if he's a new life form?!!!
Data or Lore: ...
Howard: a new life form is not in the government budget. who would feed him and clothe him and send him to college? 
Johnny 5: how do you know i'm not a girl? college is a waste of time, Sunday school tho...

SAINTs 1,2,3: we're not the mob squad, we're here for our vaudeville. we do niche Stooges from that two-month period window in the '30s when Shemp was the leader...

Johnny 5: look sad when the helicopter missile "kills" me. it's a good thing we all look alike. i won't be destroyed, i've been promised a sequel...
John Badham: i made Johnny 5 sign on the dotted line with his robo-arm...
Ally: i tried to cry real tears here at your death scene but they didn't come out convincing, this whole thing is just too silly. i wish i had done Flight of the Navigator instead, now there was a real MEATY role. 
Johnny 5: this is sponsored by Nintendo, right? starring Fred Savage? this is the R.O.B. Robotic Operating Buddy movie, right?

Admiral Scrotum, crying over the dead body of Johnny 5: why? OH WHY?!!! why'd we have to kill him?!!! he was such a gentle soul. he HAD a soul, damn you bastards. he was my FRIEND and he was named Johnny 5. war is FUCKING STUPID. i mean we're ALL computers, right? humans were the FIRST computers!!!

Rubikon: 40 acres?!!! really?!!! you had to go with 40 acres out of ALL the acres?!!! 40 acres in Montana my ass.

Ally Sheedy: why are the cats playing and running around with the zoomies on my hair?
Greykid: because you look like a poodle.
Ally: i love saving poodles!!! hey wait, let me get that gerbil out of my house, i'm saving it for my ex-boyfriend...

Steve Jobs: there was the story here which was never told. this movie was the filmed version of the script that was watered-down for Hollywood. the REAL STORY of this began in the beautiful mind of a writer who wanted to show his PAIN to the world. it's about an autistic scientist who can never have personal relations with people, he's incapable of intimacy, and thus pours his soul into creating Johnny 5 his Frankenstein monster. Frankenstein robot? but they're both gentle quiet souls. who become each other's best friend because BOTH of them cannot connect with people. much like that scientist's monologue at the beginning of the Garbage Pail Kids Movie. it's a cold lonely sad world out there and nobody has any friends. like we all do, man AND machine, we need a woman to help get us out of our shell. or panel. a woman's touch IS the lightning strike. fuck thunder in the sky, we only need thunder in the bedroom. maybe some punk kid on YouTube will make THAT movie instead one day. g'night folks.

me by the fire: i am thoroughly enjoying having McDonald's on DoorDash. but you still can't get Filet-o-Fish delivered...
dad: don't you worry bout a little thing, son, let me handle this, everything's gonna be alright...









 

Wednesday, February 21, 2024

SPIT THAT BANANA IN MY MOUTH

 



Jen R: okay it's time for the honeymoon portion of this wedding.
me: i'm too tired. i mean let's do this.
Jen: i mean isn't Vegas a bit too on the nose? too cliche?
Eli Manning still in Vegas after a long Super Bowl hangover: not really. not if you see it with new eyes. look at my goofy face, what do you see? you see a compulsive gambler who owes the mob in too deep unable to afford addict therapy trading in my football cleats for a pair of cement shoes. craps is a TERRIBLE name for a game. you know how i earned my winnings? how i made my non-NFL gambling fortune? i play Hearts. yeah, nobody realizes Hearts is being played in Vegas right now for large sums of wad cash, it's all done in a secret blue-felt room.

Jen: oh look, one for those wedding chapels the size of my thumb, let's get married.
me: but not like THIS, let's get married for REAL...
Jen: oh we gotta check it out for the officiant, it's Warren Buffett!!!
Warren Buffett: do you take? and do you take? Jim Cramer is a noodge. you know how you keep a marriage together? LOWER your expectations. i've been married for 100 years.

Jen: okay we gotta get in the mood for fucking, how about i tickle the electric ivories?
me: i'm still a zombie. but i'll follow you anywhere.
Jen: showgirls abound!!! like HER!!!
Brooke Trantor: the gift of my tits...
Jen: my personal favorite, musicians!!!
Hello Meteor: i'm playing backup synth for Wayne Newton.
Jen: rides galore!!! like the black VW cabrio we rolled up in!!!
me: from Baltimore.
Jen: that's Bawlmer, son. don't cry about it, learn it.
me: don't cry, rely.
Jen stands in front of the GIANT Ace Tone to the right of the pink fluffy fuzzy altar that's bigger than the chapel itself.
Mrs. Talbot: Ace Tone? that was my first War of 1812 flyer-ace pilot husband!!!
Jen starts playing the Ace Tone.
Jen: it won't burn!!! it won't burn, baby!!! electronica energy!!! flowing through my body through the temple nodules in my head. and i know temples. it won't burn my hands like acid. and i know acid. it's a piano keyboard attached to a knobby drum machine.

in the honeymoon boudoir.
Jen: spit that chunk of banana in my mouth.
me: of course. you gotta get me up to speed, what tradition is this?
Jen: it's what those three from Napoleon Dynamite did to celebrate the 30th anniversary. Napoleon, Pedro, and that guy from Dream Corp LLC.
Jen: well that sex was pretty nice.
me: we never can really DO it, can we?

Leslie Sbrocco: bro don't rub my back. who do you think you are? Garrison Keillor?
creepy captain: mahalo.
Leslie Sbrocco: who do you think you are? Adam Carolla?

Sasuke: i got pardoned like Richard Nixon.
Sasuke makes the Peace Sign with his fingers, not the Unison Sign...

Super Mario with wrench: that's Goodman Air Conditioning & Heating, not Godamn Plumbing where i work.
Fuerza: it's not God Damn, it's more like Go Damn, as in Pokemon Go, as in Nintendo Go.

rain: i am so beautiful.........when there's no wind...

PG&E: having no power on a sunny day is especially galling, it's spitting in your eye when there's no rain, it's TRULY fucking aggravating.

Safeway: when the parking lot is ENTIRELY EMPTY like this, it's nice, it has that post-apocalyptic nuclear-war abandoned look, but only in the DAYTIME!!!
Quentin Tarantino: when that dusk hits the empty parking lot...

Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream: that magic pixie sound when the power comes back on...
Puck: you could have done me at UCLA.
me: don't remind me, too painful of a wistful what-if.
Puck: permanently...

Brendan Fraser: whaling? i am not a casino gambler...

Roger Federer: you will MISS me when i'm gone, you will MISS that one-handed backhand i did...

Shakespeare: wait, a British Romantic lyrical epic poet won the Daytona 500?...

mom: when i snore, that is the most beautiful sound in the world.
snoring: it's always better than coughing.

Minster: why did i become a monk? because i was kicked out of the priesthood for selling Viagra on the street corner of my Spanish Mission. hey, to me it's all health care. before that i was that priest on Saturday Night Live...

Chipotle: BBB, Triple B, braised beef barbacoa. too bad it's not on DoorDash...
Chipotle: it's our best kept secret cuz it's SO secret it's not even on the menu!!! we ain't an In-N-Out Burger menu!!! 
Chipotle: we don't have scissors, we cut our meat with tongs.
Melissa Maker: i see you, Chipotle.

Sleep Number.
me: i mean why are all these people kvetching? it would be SLEEP BLISS to sleep next to you forever, there's nothing to complain about.
Jen R: i'm always on the hot side. of the bed.
me: i don't like wet waterbeds. i like my waterbeds dry.

LoveSac: for over 25 years we've been telling folks that a change is good.
Mark Consuelos: yeah, change out your work husbands, Kelly Ripa!!!

Whopper Contest: can you top that?
Jon Brennan from Real World: Los Angeles: yeah, forget the burger and bun, just have brisket on corn chips.
Jen R: sport peppers? just say Chicago Whopper!!!
Joan Chen: Sausage and Egg McMuffin Whopper!!!
taxi man: Justin Herrera Sourdough Pizza Whopper from St. Cyril's!!!

Michael Jordan: do you know how anyone can fly? by lowering the net.

QuickBooks.
camerawoman: without ME there's no commercial...
Super Mario with wrench: yeah but it's pretty cool the job i do, i swerve with my wrench and a fucking fountain flows!!!

CarMax.
sister: so my sister has a vaginal piercing. wanna see it on Instagram?
other sister: at least i'm not dating Michael Weiss.
sister: Michael Weiss taught me NOT to get a car, to walk everywhere. 
Michael Weiss: the electric car is not the savior you think it is...

Lopez brothers: which brother lost the bet and had to have Muppet hair to tell one apart from the other?
Minster: we have the OPPOSITE problem, all of us have the same bald head.
mom: as long as my son who's a terrible driver grows up to have Muppet hair i'll be proud.

Giannis: spell my last name NOW. thing is, i've never liked Sprite. there was only Mr. Pibb in Greece.
Bud Collins: since when is calling someone a tennis ball an INSULT?!!!

cat: now I am a GREY cat!!!
Greykid: can't hate. you a great cat, a grey cat, a great grey cat.
grey Persian cat: "Unholy" my favorite and ONLY Sam Smith song. Patrick Swayze was never THAT muscular, Jake!!! you're not evil just because you have a British accent.

George Costanza: THE WORLD IS FAKE!!!
Frank Costanza: SERENITY NOW!!!

Serena Williams: i'm not doing this just for this spot, i'm an actress now, remember? i'm IN this Aang movie, as Katara. and later as Korra. Avatar State is a cool blue sparking electric glow in the eyes like that M83 video for "Midnight City."

Starbucks: you can only drink the new Pistachio Cream Cold Brew if you have 30 earrings in one ear.

me: i really appreciate the lengths you went to for me here. you look DIVINE in that aqua-blue Champion's Tunic from Tears of the Kingdom.
Jen R: o that LIGHT BLUE tho, it SHIMMERS. 
me: turquoise tumult.
Jen: i wear the Tunic as a Large T-shirt pajama.
me: but not MY large T-shirt, i'm too small of chest.
Jen: i look like Princess Zelda in it, not Link.
me: i look like a Slash Link when i wear MY Large T-shirt pajama. 
TetraNinja in the hamper: can i get out now?

Jen R: you know the key to keeping this thing called marriage? BUNS AND BAGS. it's all about the buns and bags, always keep an extra supply of hot-dog buns and handy baggies on hand. for marital emergencies.
me: baggies to keep our drugs in?
Jen: no, our bun-length hot dogs in. WELCOME HOME, don't those two words relieve? suddenly a sense of calmness and serenity and stability and hope and take-charge leadership pervade the rooms of our abode.
me: yes, the way the film Say Anything pervades the room with a blanket of melancholy.
Jen: same concept. but opposite. different result.










Monday, February 19, 2024

TENNIS TWINS: WINNING FUCKING EVERYTHING


 




Chris Evert: wait there's ANOTHER knock at the door? who is it THIS time?
Jimmy Connors looking out their balcony: oh shit, my old nemesis has returned.
John McEnroe is down below the apartment complex on the S curveway driveway. he looks up, takes out a brown paper bag, puts his poo in it, lights it with his Andre Agassi goldplated Vegas lighter, and CHUCKS the flaming poo bag up to the balcony where Jimmy and Chris are.
Jimmy: not cool, dude. my wife is here.
Chris: awww that's sweet.
John: i don't care about Chris.
Chris: you never did in ALL those Wimbledon telecasts we did with Bud Collins, never laughed at ANY of my jokes.
John: i only care about YOU. i'm gunning for YOU, Jimbo. we are Naruto and Sasuke!!!

Jimmy: take a step, man. what's the matter THIS time? there are always so many things wrong with you swirling your head.
John takes out another brown paper lunch bag, empties his bowels into it, and FLINGS it at the balcony.
Jimmy: you want me to call Paul? 
Paul: i'd like to smell all this shit. caca city.
John takes a THIRD bag of fire caca and THROWS it like Clayton Kershaw right onto atop Jimmy's long hair.
Jimmy: bro calm down. let's talk about this. what'd you have for LUNCH to produce all that poo?
John: tuna fish.
Jimmy: i mean at least be creative with it. do one poo, one pee, one vomit.
John: i would have but i really enjoyed that tuna fish.

John takes a DEEP DEFATIGABLE sigh.
John: i don't know, brother, i'm just so TIRED. 
Jimmy: with what? with me? with life? with tennis?
John: with everything, man. tennis ain't the same and it's never coming back. there's nothing to get EXCITED about anymore. everyone's gone. the two biggest personalities in the sport, Emma Raducanu and Nick Kyrgios, are sidelined indefinitely. i mean are we EVER gonna see them again?!!!
Emma Raducanu: as long as you stay 50 feet away from me per the restraining order.
Nick Kyrgios: i don't know, mate, tennis was never fun for me, tennis was a JOB to me, like those priests on Father Ted.

John: there's nothing for me to DO anymore.
Jimmy washes his hands then puts his arm around his old friend's balding hair.
Jimmy: sure there is, buddy. but you have to take a LONG HARD LOOK at yourself in the mirror, Johnny boy. tennis has given you EVERYTHING. now you must give EVERYTHING back to tennis. it's time for you to be tennis's first commissioner, my friend. time for you to make the hard decisions.
John: as long as i don't have to ban Nadal for life. hey, can i crash here for a few weeks?
Jimmy: you're asking the wrong person.
John: right. sorry. wifey, i mean Chris, can i? your pad?
Chris, sighing: fine. but we don't have a spare bedroom. you're gonna have to sleep in the tub.
John: that's better than when i was living in a tin can in a French hostel in Paris trying to win the French Open.

Chris: i can't hate. i gotta give it up. i gotta give it up to you, that's TWO souls you've mended. i gotta say, i gotta say it, you're looking more attractive to me now than you have in a VERY VERY LONG time.
Jimmy: just doing my job, ma'am.

Cleopatra: why do i look like Gwyneth Paltrow?
Cleopatra: this smells like my orgasm...
Mark Antony: does mine smell sweeter than Caesar's?

Emily: i am REALLY REALLY sick. i am VERY VERY ill.
Kumail: are you sure you don't just have to take a shit again?

Run-DMC: Emily is ill/ she ill cuz pimpin ain't easy but she don't need no cane/ you won't get bored/ you want more/ when Emily is poorly.

the monks descend on the burned-down monastery.
Thomas Merton holding a lit cigarette betwixt his lips: sorry. burnt-out monastery, both meanings.
Cotard: where's brother?
Minster: lagging behind and lazyass as always.
Codrus: this is a fool's errand!!! all the trees here are burnt to ash, how will you collect yacht wood from them? from this CRISP!!!
Cotard: you're not looking CLOSELY, brother, these trees are DISEASED because they've been overworked for fruit and never replanted properly.
Boc: story of my life.
Thomas Merton: again i apologize. plucked to Purgatory, that was all me. 
Cotard: see these trees for what they were, a beautiful symbol of hard work. 
Minster: a symbol of being worked to death. which fits into the rich/poor dynamic for symbolism using this very wood to make a fucking yacht!!!
Ben Gunn: i can see now. i went to LensCrafters at the mall.
Melissa Maker: Canada has better malls than America.

Colin Kaepernick: until things change i won't stand, that's my STANCE.

mom: one day i'll recover and do an Easy Rider ride with my son in a Caprice. i call him Patrice.
me: but are you driving? cuz i'm not.
 
Michael Weiss: i gotta give up looking at beautiful women's Instagrams for Lent...

Premier League: this afternoon on Premier League we're gonna dissect Haaland's psychological profile. what is going on with this young Norwegian man? i mean that header was WIDE open...

Pee-wee Herman: turns out it was Pee-wee's Last Adventure...
Pee-wee Herman: the movie that caused covid...

Resident Alien: we take after the comedy of Alien Nation...

Zelenskyy: real war, not Instagram.
Michael Weiss: i really gotta return to being a war correspondent like my early days with NPR.

Ron Jeremy: count down from 20...

The Pirates of Dark Water: if Queensryche were a show.

Chico and the Man "Raul Runs Away, Part 2": and suddenly this turns into one of those '80s Mexican movies filmed entirely outside they played on Channel 4 Sundays at 1PM.
Epstein from Kotter: i'm also part-Mexican...

Dorothy Gale: who wants to live in Kansas? it's nothing but flat farms. i wanna live in EXCITING California. there are no tornados in California...

Ninja Kamui: there's nothing more SATISFYING than seeing two corrupt cops getting the FUCK beat outta them.

Brazil Ranch, California: NOT Destinos...

eBay: pair of Garbage Pail Kids heavily damaged for sale. ironically, the cards are Terri Cloth and Dee Faced...

Tom Cruise: i don't have a heart.
Brad Pitt: i know.
Tom Cruise: no i mean i don't have a heartbeat cuz i was in that movie about vampires...

Boc: need to do a Healing Walk? heal with your heel.

Doryce: Meat Scissors, the name of my Korean boy band in college...

Chris Evert, sighing; okay fine, i GUESS we can give our marriage a second chance. 
Jimmy Connors: let's give the concept of marriage another shot, like a tennis shot. but can you promise me one thing, baby?
Chris: what.
Jimmy: abortion is a dirty word, right?
Chris: right. but...
Jimmy: no that's okay, that's okay, that's it, that's all i want to know. okay, well, i best be leaving. i gotta go, don't want to keep my 3 o'clock waiting. we call him Hollywood. he has a hot doubles partner whom i'm guessing is his future wife? Australian chickadee.
Chris: Russell Crowe plays tennis?
Russell Crowe: badly.





 




Friday, February 16, 2024

THE BIG SICK: HUMOR HEALS WHEN THERE'S A SICK JOKE


 








Jen R and i are at the Southfield Mall.
Jen R: Naptown is really Sacramento, i've had some of my best sleeps on those park benches. THOSE parks are reclaiming the color orange with their leaves. i'm hungry.
me: you going on a hunger strike for 24 hours to fight your covid?
Jen: i forgot what it was, feed a fever? the covid void. the point is, please send me Taco Bell.
me: do you think i should continue with my therapy if it's stressing me out? why am i looking at random malls on Wikipedia? i have this insatiable impulse to CLICK on things for no reason.

Charlie Sheen: hotshotting? i should be nowhere NEAR a monster truck.

Timber Titans, Deadman's Curse, so these are Republican shows.
heli-logger: i voted for Bernie.
Jim Cantore: it's Deadman's CURVE, it's a show about Peyronie's disease.

Ear Horn: Ghost Pipe flowers, my newest spell powder. i used it to conjure all the organs in the Haunted Mansion ride.
Trent Reznor: it's better than Tang.
Mr. Sandman: it's an elixir which helps me sleep so i won't go to sleep from one of Mike Tyson's punches.
Mrs. Talbot: i'm old. but i ain't dead yet. you can't get rid of me THAT easily. i mean look what happened when it turned to the Mrs. Busta days!!!
Mr. Busta: remember me? i'm Paul but not handy with my hands. except to play my organ.
Bob Marley: where did all my pot smoke go?
Major Kusanagi: to ghost-pipe means when i fuck my girlfriend.

Alien Nation: i had no idea this was going to be a comedy.

Alien Nation "Eyewitness News".
me: this is exactly me when i lived alone in my studio apartment in Oakland, i had no idea Oakland was a beautiful city rich in vibrant art, i was cooped up in that apartment receiving strange VHS after strange VHS under the door.

The Outer Limits "Glyphic".
Robin Duke: it was always my dream all along to be the Canadian Fargo lady. thanks, Lorne Michaels, for crushing my dreams.

Tula: remember how ANGRY you got when you thought i had betrayed Ren and crew? that says more about YOU than me.
Ioz: i vow the oath By the blood of Ren. isn't that heartwarming? i'm already thinking of my fallen comrade THE SAME DAY i thought he had died.
Ren: i'm honored.
Jessica Walter: if i hadn't done THIS cartoon, i wouldn't have done THAT cartoon.
Niddler: now THAT's a bird.
Ren's father the king: notice how the 13 Treasures of Rule are shown as 13 plain stones. because the animators had no idea what they looked like yet. and would never be given the opportunity to show what they looked like.

Dona Gelsinger: i painted the original artwork for Clan of the Cave Bear.........THE BOOK!!!

Too Close For Comfort theme song: sounds strangely like the M*A*S*H theme.

Delsym: fuck Delsym, there's no Honey Delsym.

Bambi: i ain't carrying the virus, okay, buddy?

Leslie Sbrocco: we're all wearing leis but nobody's mentioning it on air. i guess it's Hawaii Week?
Ed Kenney: ...
Leslie: creepy captain continually touching everyone's shoulder is creepy. i'm getting off this Love Boat. i'm not on the dating app The League, i'm classier than that.
captain: i'm doing that to make everyone MORE comfortable in a stressful surrounding.

Super Mario: the recycling bin was so SMUSHED FULL of junk from when i threw Luigi off our timeshare in Indio and he became Wuigi.
recycling bin: i BELLOWED A BURP OF RELIEF when i was finally emptied.

Lucio: oh, only two rings from the spam call? i'll give it the two-finger flick-off the Sex Pistols made famous.
John  Lydon: my image will be severely limited if you're not my Valentine with me in public. the public holding-of-hands. but fuck all that, i don't give a rat's ass about that shite, i just need you to love me again in private fulsomely.

Eye Luggage: The Big Sick and go.
Kumail Nanjiani: shoulda been called Sick Joke. or In Sickness and In Mental Health.

Laertus: this is the best romcom i've ever seen. i don't see a lot of romcoms because they're all the same, but this is the BEST one.

Kumail: this was WEIRD for me. as an actor. imagine playing YOURSELF as a character. but it's not really YOU, it's a fictionalized VERSION of you. so it's you but slightly off. it's easy to act as someone ELSE, but how do you ACT as YOURSELF? the whole experience was surreal and dank as fuck.

Jena Friedman: if we had kept Kumail on as a correspondent, i'd still have my Comedy Central show.
Kumail: adult swim is NOT the place for women's comedy.

Laertus: these kinds of movies are near and dear to my heart. because it's reality, you know? those "scenes" in the movie ACTUALLY HAPPENED in people's lives. this isn't a story, this is what actually happened. i have a soft spot for a meet-cute at a grocery store, there's just something MAGICAL about a grocery store.
Luke Russert: roaming through the aisles with your potential mate...
Tai: picking up gherkins.
Laertus: and when the lovers have a heartfelt confession on the steps of a Manhattan brownstone stoop, that's when the film REALLY kicks off, it's all about THAT scene when you're writing it.
Emily V. Gordon: imagine how Kumail and i felt as we were writing this, that's a lot of PRESSURE!!! we had to make sure these scenes were in fact true to our real lived-in lives. you look at a scene and go, "are they embellishing this for Hollywood? did it really go LIKE THAT, tho?" that's the curse, the pitfall, that's what all Hollywood movies are. this was US, you know? this was really us.

H.G Wells: maybe if i saw Elon Musk ride a bicycle i'd have more hope for the future of humankind...

Zoe Kazan: wait am i related to Lenny? is Lenny Kravitz my daddy? biologically i mean...

Kumail: so i drive an Uber but don't read too much into that. hey man, what is your desire when it comes to tunes?
Beck in back: so this takes place in 2007. play "Devils Haircut" coz THAT would be RETRO now then, see?

Aidy Bryant: BIG BABY AIDY!!! nobody in the audience is getting this.
Bo Burnham: i think i'm funnier in real life than in my set, my stuff is INCOMPREHENSIBLY SURREAL, you know?

Kumail: this is your name in Urdu. 
Emily: all girls' names in any foreign language is Meg.
Kumail: there's no point explaining to people in America that you're from Pakistan. i might as well be from Greenland. i'm just another dirty foreigner. when will i be a dude?
Emily: and i'm a weirdo so we make the perfect match.

Dirg: whoa whoa whoa what the fuck. people still do this? they have sex on the first date as strangers barely having known each other for eight minutes? that's still a thing? people still do this?
Mardith: i was born in the wrong era.
Emily: i don't want you to see me take a shit.
Kumail: but i've already seen your naked body. all of it, there's no more mystery. you haven't seen MY naked body which is weird i grant you.
Emily: that's different, that was in the throes of passion. no one takes a shit in throes. no one poos passionately.

Emily: why did you become a stand-up comic?
Kumail: to pick up chicks. first impressions?
Emily: i thought you'd be more muscular. you're a skinny Indian boy!!! let's never see each other again.
Kumail: i can't do that!!! life would be too heartbreakingly DEPRESSING if it was like that!!!

Holly Hunter: so Emily V. Gordon's mother in real life is the NICEST woman you'd ever want to meet, a real sweetheart. i made her a bitch cuz i really wanted to go my own way with this, you know? i was feeling my acting legs, feeling my Stevie Nicks oats.
Stevie Nicks: cranberry juice is weird, it's not cherry juice but it's not grapefruit juice.
Ray Romano: for large stretches of this movie you thought i wasn't gonna tell ONE JOKE, huh. large chunks from the Pebble Beach golf course i stole. you thought i'd have a DEAD SERIOUS role like when Brad Garrett was on Law & Order: SVU.

Lorne Michaels: Kumail should do SNL.........wait HAS Kumail hosted SNL? i'm not sure...
sister: this make sense, Kumail comes from a funny family.
Kumail's mom: arranged marriage is about STABILITY AND SECURITY.
Kumail: i mean that is true, dating cold in this cold world is SCARY AS FUCK. look, family, i don't pray, i go downstairs to that damp basement, roll my prayer mat out, and Allah and i watch YouTube videos.
brother: we forgive you, brother. you did it for the nookie.
father: i mean watching YouTube videos IS a form of praying, when you see that naked man swan-dive into a frozen ice pond, that is prayer flagellation.

Dirg: holy shit these Pakistani women are hot as fuck!!! where do i meet THESE women?!!!
Mitra Jouhari: hey it's ME!!! yeah from Three Busy Debras. why didn't we get OUR Please Don't Destroy-like movie?

in the Clue tearoom.
Emily: so i used to be married. everyone was getting married at 18, you know how big cities are. we got divorced cuz there was no passion EVER from the start, no throes, it was weird like that. i think he was the wrong person, that's what it was. 
Kumail: no problem, as long as there weren't any kids.
Emily: you know, when you say something the SECOND time, it sucks.

Emily: what are these mini-photos of women in a box? are you a stalker?
Kumail: no, i collect cigar boxes. and baseball cards. and Garbage Pail Kids cards.
Emily: we're done.
Kumail: please, i want to explore America more. i don't want to go back to Pakistan, Pakistan is boring. take me to the batting cages at Sherman Oaks Magic Castle.
Emily: okay, we watch Episode 2 of the '80s Knight Rider and that's it. couldn't be worse than the BORING-AS-FUCK Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.
Jen: doesn't it suck when your lover HATES your treasured pop culture?

Kumail on the phone: so i had to sign on the dotted line or they would have pulled the plug. don't worry, it'll be like an Archer coma. Emily and i? we're kinda casual at the moment, like Mulder and Scully from Season 1.
David Duchovny: did we really need Seasons 10 and 11? "The Truth" was the PERFECT series finale. The X-Files sucked after Season 1... 
Kumail: no, don't come here, North Carolina is too far away.
Ray Romano on the phone: hey Kumail, did i tell you the kangaroo joke i heard from Steve Irwin?

Ear Horn: sorry, dearies, this hospital does not treat goths. just kidding.

in the hospital rectory.
Kumail: we lost 19 of our best guys, said deadpan. i mean you gotta admit, for a 9/11 joke that one was hit OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK!!! you know it's good cuz it's TOO SOON FOREVER. even 6 years after the fact.
Gilbert Gottfried: tell me about it. i had less time than you.
Ray Romano: i mean Forrest Gump did have its flaws. too much running, i didn't care for all that running.
Boc: ...

at the Montreal audition.
Kumail: this is not comedy, this is real life. when it hits you it hits you, you care for a person who will be gone soon. no longer be with us. i can't believe this is happening to me, this is a sick joke, i meet my soulmate and she dies. think of this more like what i'm doing right now is Brechtian comedy.

Kumail: she could die.
Oscar the Grouch: we all die, man. hey you gotta give me credit, i never joined Wonder Showzen.

Holly Hunter: that scene were i heckle the heckler, that was based on something i did IN REAL LIFE where i heckled Roger Federer at the U.S. Open.
Roger Federer: she said i was a member of ISIS. she said she looked at my face and my personality and concluded i was in ISIS. i'll never forgive you, Holly.

still on '90s futons.
Ray Romano: i cheated on my wife. i knew it the MOMENT i finished on her, i felt disgusted.
Kumail: next time take a beat. take a step before you do anything drastic, don't finish, swallow your own cum and think about things.
Roger Federer: sorry but Holly Hunter deserves to be cheated on.

Emily in the hospital bed: you have no idea what i'm going through.
Kumail: yes i do, when covid hits in the future, i'm gonna get fucking SWOLE AND BUFF because that's the only way i keep sane cooped up in my room for two years!!!

female doctor: Emily has adult-onset Still's disease. we were giving her the wrong medicine for a misdiagnosis, that's on us, as doctors we screwed up. we were making her WORSE. the hospital accepts full 100% responsibility. do you want your recompense in check form? 
me: let's just get to the happy ending of her recovering, her recovery, i can't do medical stuff anymore in my current climate, i don't want to be seeing wires and breathing tubes.
Dr. Vacc: don't you love when the patient is MIRACULOUSLY CURED!!! out of nowhere. that's always the unexpected best.

Emily: dude you're not funny.
Kumail: are you being serious right now?
Emily: i'm doing anti-comedy.
Kumail: phew.
Emily: this hospital yogurt taste like semen. right, daddy?
Ray Romano: that's too much, honey, that's too much.

Melissa Maker: wait are Canadian comedy festivals really that racist?...

Kumail: when you get dumped by Hollywood and your girlfriend, the only thing you can do is write and perform a one-man show at a local indie theatre in Chicago. all of us eventually do this, you WILL see a child's bedroom bed on stage with a TMNT poster on the imaginary wall and you're in the thick of it. what follows is a Pakistani history lesson that comes out funny.
me: see this is what I NEVER DID!!! this is what you're supposed to do, gather two like-minded friends, go down to Hollywood, and share a flat. you need fellow writers with you to share the burden and the struggle. you can't do this shit alone!!! you can't do projects alone!!! one of us in the group is BOUND to make it, these are the odds!!! i should have formed a husband/wife writing team with my dad to write sitcom scripts for Hollywood, HE's a partner, THAT's the dream...
 
Eye: awww that's sweet, when she says i've found him at the end at the NYC comedy club, that's a warm and fuzzy ending.

Emily: THIS MAN IS GREAT IN BED!!! but he's not funny. hey did you notice that i always had that friend who could never stick around? she always had to be somewhere ELSE...

at Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon's real-life Pakistani wedding ceremony.
Father Navin: and do you, Kal Penn.........sorry...
Kumail: talk about Devils Haircut, what is UP with that hair on my head?!!! i got a SHAGGY MOP for hair, i'm literally Pakistani Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

Emily V. Gordon: okay what is pash? it's like a wet and sloppy kiss, right?
Kumail's brother: it's a white girl, forbidden fruit.
Kumail: it's the order form for Columbia House CDs. 

me by the fire: TOMORROW i need good food to convalesce to when loved ones are far away. when loved ones are not near. she would enjoy the two cheeseburgers and i'd enjoy drinking the McDonald's Coke!!! that is WAY easier than making the Coke syrup MYSELF. you need star anise for that and nobody has star anise.
Martin Yan: it's fucking hard to find.
me: and you need seltzer.
Shecky Greene: they don't make seltzer anymore, seltzer is deader than vaudeville and me. g'night folks.