THE NEVERENDING STORY 3: A VORACIOUS READER SHALL LEAD THEM

 

Luke Russert continues crying by the tall sagebrush.

Luke Russert: this sagebrush is so tall. it's so spiky, it's so full of life, it sheens with my teeth as a mirror. i can see all the little jackrabbits and grey female bunny rabbits i couldn't before!!! they've all come back to the creek cos they see this is viable land to raise a family!!! before when i walked this trail it was a dirt road with open space on all sides at all angles, nothing was growing. i HATE sky!!!

Tim Russert: i hate seeing sky, too, son. and i hate Disney animals, i only like their creatures. the only thing i like about sagebrush is the sarsaparilla sassafras root you can brew between your teeth when you drink herbal beer.

Suzy Lu and Kakashi at the restaurant.

Suzy Lu: ready, Kakashi?

Kakashi tales a FULL LUNGE OF A KICK right into the chef's gob. right into his mouth cavity flattening his nose and cheeks.

Dan Souza: thanks. i needed that. no, don't help me up, i want to lie supine on the dirty floor here for 30 minutes to recover. don't tell Gareth Blackstock but his crayfish pet is here, living here in that corner comfortably. 

Suzy: i know how you feel, Dan, we both got gargantuan MOUTH PROBLEMS, but it's all fixed now. and without expensive dental surgery i might add.

me: so Jen.

Lindy Lenz: yeah.

me: Jen R. there she was by the pool in another Instagram pic literally shoving her massive mouthwatering cantaloupe-sized tits right in the viewer's face, right eye-level with the viewer's mouth. i want to suck all the seedy cantaloupe juice out of those tits. 

Jen R: actually it's by the beach, remember? i'm the queen of riptides.

Lindy: i mean cantaloupe is about regular normal size. not watermelon-sized tits or anything.

me: and i go, "i know you're married but can we JUST GO ON ONE DATE?"

Lindy: reasonable.

Jen R: i mean sure i'd like to, it would be nice to fuck you. but what do you want me to say? i'm married, you know?

America's Test Kitchen: the episode is just about to end, QUICK!!! SAY SOMETHING WITTY AS WE FADE TO BLACK...

Sara Little Turnbull: i was Sunset Blvd and Grey Gardens, but i did great good in the world. i imbued society with art, culture, design, education, construction, and long outdoor halls. i come from old Indian money, i come from Ancient Native American banknotes. i poured my considerable wealth into grants, not gold. my mask saved you. my spacesuit WILL save you. President Nixon broke into my apartment...

Nixon smiling showing his teeth: ...and i stole your Pepsodent.

Leslie Sbrocco: bumpy pickles? yeah, they're pickles, dumbass. oh no, PBS, oh no, you're not putting the Taste This title over my chest at the start of the show's theme song. we are so goofy, ever notice that? this whole show, me, all my guests, regular Bay Area denizens not professional taste-testers, we're all so GOOFY. i was BORN a milf...

Laertus's dad: yeah, going to watch Monster Jam at the Salinas Sports Complex, that's a good way to spend Father's Day...

stone throne: where Shaggy keeps his stash of organic pot.

John Muir: time for a mature nature hike...

Jack Smith: what's Charles Barkley doing here?

Charles Barkley: um.........your rectangular plastic bag...

Jack Smith: this isn't a Subway commercial.

Klay Thompson: can i FINALLY film my Subway commercial?!!!

Peyton Manning: ...

Charles Barkley: shut up, Peyton, don't call me Barky. hey Peyton, take a hike, man, take a nature walk...

Novak Djokovic: so Jokic is the new Joker? what is that CONTINUOUS SOUND at the French Open? it sounds like a man, perhaps a goat farmer, a goat herder from the Enigma "Return to Innocence" video, he's hollering from the low register of his voice to his high register, one loud scaling yodel, it's fucking annoying.

DP World Tour: it's a double penetration for sure, but it's not porn. golf enters its new frontier where all you see in all directions is green...

the band Boston: Earth course, not the same as the EarthShip...

BMX flatland: dancing with your dance partner your bicycle in a ballroom...

Schuch: the original Geppetto. the one who looks at you by making shoe contact...

Blahaj: the original plush mascot of the Jaws franchise to skirt that dreaded PG-13 Rating. this actually makes sense, unlike the weighted blanket and the Snuggie...

Blahaj: i'm a soft shark who navigates the choppy waters of hard feelings. stuff me with your dark emotion. hug the pain away. i bite you to relieve your stress. cuddle for care not cure. 

Old Course at St Andrews: would you rather be a golfer or an archer? which makes you more manly? no, i mean Scottish-manly? which lands you Maid Marian? St Andrews, no dot, no apostrophe...

James Bond: FINALLY the Aston Martin Bulldog is ready. flying around in that jetpack for 40 years SUCKED. as this is a real DeLorean time machine, i shall take it back in time to when my hair was brown...

coyote pupping season: if you see one, make yourself bigger to scare it off.

Dirg: story of my life...

Heather Kunen: if Melissa Maker were a dentist...

Chelsy Davy: i love seeing my man on the witness stand!!! i mean Royal history and everything. it's good to know that if it weren't for the British press the world would have no idea who Meghan Markle is...

estrous cycle: like everything in life, heat is a cycle, like life and death are a cycle...

sistance: a sister's assistance

Eye Luggage: The NeverEnding Story 3 and go.

Dirg: alright alright alright let's FINALLY settle the debate, the ONE burning question that's been on everyone's mind since the beginning. of time. who's the hottest Childlike Empress?

Julie Cox: ...

Alexandra Johnes: i mean it's probably not me.........i'm just the female form of John...

Wolfgang Petersen: MY Childlike Empress obviously. because i actually read the books and made her innocent unlike the other two jaded Hollywood actresses just looking to cash in for a quick buck. this was my first English film, pretty good, huh?

Wolfgang Petersen: you think all i do all day is hang around my cottage in the German woods eating silver cans of Wolfgang Puck garden-vegetable soup with silver mushrooms, right? know why the cans are silver? cos i peel the labels off... 

Eye: this movie is called BOTH Escape from Fantasia AND Return to Fantasia...

Vinnie Barbarino doing the Macaulay Culkin face: i'm so confused!!!

Laertus: i know. i mean, which is it? you can't have it both ways. unless it's an infinite time loop. which it is. Fantasians are people, too, they don't like that term fantasian cos it implies they're not real...

Jason James Richter: what am i doing now? eating whale tuna, is that what you wanted to hear? i dunno, i was Peter Pan, too, at some point. i wish i could fly out of my life. i mean OBVIOUSLY i'm in a band now with Barret Oliver. 

Barret Oliver: we play out of my photography studio which is a garage. we were the original Atreyu. that's where the whole Auryn thing comes from, from the band Atreyu...

Jason: yeah sometimes we play ski lifts...

Melody Kay: i HAD to have played Pippi Longstocking in something, look at my freckles...

Jack Black: i was in this? really?

Jennifer Pizarro: your name is Slip?...

Jack Black: this is embarrassing to watch, i don't play BAD well, i play bad badly, i don't make a sincere believable VILLAIN, i'm too nice, i'm too funny, i'm too GOOFY. everything comes funny for me, everything's a joke to me, i take nothing seriously. how can i portray a BULLY?!!! i love everybody, i love the world, i love the milk of humanity, i love all humans...

Fantasians: what about us, tho?

Coreander: that's Koreander. i ain't no spice.

Tracey Ellis: two words, Star Trek. you know me, you know me...

Takahashi: i wanted to fuck your nose...

Tracey Ellis: say what now?

Takahashi: on that Star Trek show, you made for an irresistible alien milf with teddy-bear hair...

Moya Brady: speaking of men wanting to fuck my nose my whole life...

Tony Robinson: self-help seminar? that's all bollocks. Engywook? what kind of Star Wars ripoff shit is that? i actually LOVED Moya Brady, i loved working with her, it's this shit movie that makes me out like i'm the bad guy, like i'm the Fred Mertz of the film...

Laertus's dad hugs Tony Robinson.

Laertus's dad; family, aye, Tony? it's good to be alive, it's good to be healthy for your kids. your kids will always be your best friends, especially during the rocky times, get it? go on, romanticize family, you can't romanticize sex...

Ryan Bollman: i resent being called Dog.

Michael Jackson: call him Girl.

Ryan Bollman: i would be LOST without Skull from Bulk and Skull guiding my life, Skull is my mentor, Skull is my life coach.

Jason Narvy: i couldn't save Jason David Frank and that is not gnarly. in tribute i will now be playing the Green Ranger...

Nicole Parker: not THAT Nicole Parker, the MADtv Nicole Parker.........whatever happened to Nicole Parker anyway? i'm the Merida Nicole Parker, the one from Mexico...

Nicole Parker: i shoulda done SNL instead.........despite all the backbiting backstage...

Mac McDonald: Mrs. Rockbiter has that smoky female voice that sounds male...

Ronald McDonald: it's strange how you did a spot for Burger King.

Mac McDonald: i saw you on a porn set naked wearing only one oversize big red clown shoe doing a disrobed Wendy with the aid of hamburger grease.

Ronald: the square hamburger grease slides in the corners better.

Jonathan Brandis in the St. Cyril's of Jerusalem music room: "The Neverending Story," remember the theme song? we all sang it at school in the choir. let's everyone sing it now as a round, one two three, The Neverending Story/ Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh...

Wolfgang Petersen: DESIST!!! that song is copyrighted. by ME. remember, i did the GOOD movie. that song was a CLASSIC, it was symphonic and harmonic. and full of cinematic cymbals and fantasy faun panpipes. the song can only now be a sped-up Vaporwave version for the '90s sung by Groove Collective...

Roger Ebert: this movie was a very entertaining episode of Saved by the Bell...

Old Man of Wandering Mountain: i played golf first. this isn't the Jesus parable, it's more like Superman Fortress of Solitude Otter Ice Pops.

Bastian Balthazar Bux: i'm 13 and i'm a senior in high school?

black-garb bullies quintet: this gang makes no sense, you can't be BOTH a goth AND a bully.

Bastian: you're making fun of my name wrong, why are you harping on the Balthazar bit? Bastian is such a GRAND name, it reeks of a little boy with a Dutchboy haircut in blue overalls coming for supper in his highchair on Thanksgiving afternoon, his face glistening and shiny with brown turkey sauce all over his cheeks. and Bux, don't get me started on Bux. Bux is the porn name, Bucks is the cartoon name...

Richie Rich: my dad bought your mom.

Jack Black: okay i'll call you Bastian Balthazar Butt. no that's just dumb. Triple B? that's a cool basketball name. i'll call you Bastian Balthazar Buxom cos you got a buxom butt.

Bastian: dad, will this one work out?

Barney: don't call women that, Bastian, divorce is hard for all of us.

Bastian: how do you think Tarzan's gonna react when he finds out a purple dinosaur's fucking his wife?

Melody Kay: you're weird.

Bastian: no, all the skateboarders have this hairstyle.

Melody: look, i don't buy your New Age crystals shit. i'm not into your hippie orifices, holes, and portals. dimension my dingleberry. now take this cardboard box with the globe beachball back to Kyrie Irving.

Bastian: give it time, it's early days yet, in the '00s you WILL be a New Age hippie when the world doesn't end...

Melody Kay: i'm lost in life but i play my acoustic guitar at night to keep me sane, next to a nightstand photo of me and my dad and my cake when it was just the two of us, less complicated, less love.

Bastian: come to Fantasia with me.

Melody: you really expect me to believe in Fantasia?

Bastian: why not?

Melody: i believe in Fantasia, what i don't believe is that a girl over there likes you. no girl could possibly like you, you smell like a whale.

Laertus's dad: i can't hate, this school library is COOL-looking. i wish i had a library like this at my school. Catholic bullies get away with anything.

Bastian: can i hide in here from the bullies? 

Coriander: no you may not, young man, this is a place of finance. the business of books.........Bastian? is that really you? what the FUCK happened to you, boy? why do you look so DIFFERENT?!!! 

Bastian: long story. i didn't like who i was becoming during my second adventure so i killed that person. but i couldn't return to the original me cos you can't live in the past, you know?...

Bastian: the NeverEnding Story is a reference book now? it's a dictionary?

Coriander: of course, your story never ends, that's the point of this whole thing. just don't talk anymore, the whole thing where as you talk the words get writen in the Book and that becomes what you do next GETS OLD FAST.

Bastian: stop talking, got it. fate isn't determinative, you know...

Bastian: scanning the shelf i see Cook's Illustrated the magazine in book form, that's always appreciated. and hey you still have TREASURE ISLAND in the stacks!!! stuck on the shelf. can i check it out?

Coriander: you're already checking it out, you're reading it.

Bastian: this is a place of learning, Treasure Island will teach me, i can learn from this book how not to get my butt kicked. 

Jack: yeah we were all going to the boiler room to make out, it's HOT in there...

janitor: you can't fool me, i know that all high-schoolers are Satanists, they all have burn-marks on their Nine Inch Nails bicycle tailpipes...

Rockbiter family: this is creepy and freaky, we're a little too lifelike, you know? we're a rejected episode of that Dinosaurs show on ABC, the one with the dinosaur in the red plaid shirt who's Ralph Kramden in a construction hardhat. how'd you get the rights to "Born to be Wild"?

Jim Henson: i'm Jim Henson, bitch, i get the rights to everything.

Rockbiters: Rockbiter? that's a very sexual name. we don't need a rock rolling pin to hit heads, the rolling pin is hard enough as wood. unless you use a telescope. the song choice doesn't make sense, shouldn't the music have rock in the title?

Billy Corgan: "Cherub Rock," perhaps?

Jim Henson: notice how we crafted the rock-monster momster housewife with the rolling pins in her hair, we made her rock tits JUST right, not too boulder not too pebble, just the right size of stone cantaloupe...

gnome couple: we eat the Rockbiters in the end, right? gnomes eat rocks, right?

Mardith: oh COME ON, you can still call a woman a WENCH in the '90s?

Medieval Times: ...

Falkor: did i always have such a DOG FACE? i don't remember. 

Wolfgang: you looked more like a dragon in the first one.

Falkor: why does my voice get more and more ridiculous as the movies number?

Joan Rivers: you need better luck with a plastic surgeon, honey, your Falkor face needs cosmetic surgery stat.

Falkor: i hate needles!!! under the knife is only for my cheese.

Childlike Empress in Fortress of Solitude: you have a big head.

Big Head: that's hurtful. John Goodman is gonna play me on Dinosaurs...

Childlike Empress: i'm just teasing, we're friends, remember? right? want my Moon Child necklace?, i don't need it anymore. don't worry about these giant lobsters, let's let the streetsweeper through, it's gonna vacuum up all the smoke.

Jack Black: i used the Book to zap lightning bolts and throw fireballs and throw a storm which caused forest wildfires all throughout Canada.

Childlike Empress: yeah and because of you New York City is choking in peach-colored smoke, Jack you jackass!!!

Bastian: viewscreen on, i can't see.

Empress: it's cos the screen is a crystal.

Bastian: Oran? like the community cat from Brooklyn?

Empress: no, Auryn, like Atreyu, the band Atreyu.

Jonathan Brandis: i wish the Auryn had saved me.........snakes save...

Junior Rockbiter: hug me. kiss me. am i gonna turn into a plant in a rock garden?

Bastian: greenhouses were big in the '90s. when that third Murray brother that's not Bill or the other guy on SNL comes in his nursery van, pay him no mind. he's a loony landscaper. 

Bastian: and Federal Express was big ONLY in the '90s...

Engywook: stay inside the Federal Express envelope, woman. 

Urgl: why? we belong in Nome, Alaska, we're Santa's elves!!! did you pack your travel-size bottle of gurgling mouthwash? i can't breathe in here!!!

Engywook: i sealed the envelope. stop pushing and shoving into me, your body went years ago.

Urgl: oh yeah, well at least i have a body, your penis is so tiny i can't find it!!!

Engywook: gnome men don't have penises!!!

Empress: Bastian, you're experiencing wish overload. we get this problem around here a lot when all the Fantasians, every single denizen living in this magical realm, wishes to see me naked at the same time...

Bark Troll: don't call me Barky, i'm too sad. oh the HUMANITY, the CARNAGE, the WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER of these 10,000 precious conifer trees. irreplaceable Redwoods. and for what? to make pencils? is drawing worth all this?

Takahashi: i wanna fuck all the noses on Mount Rushmore...

Mardith: okay this sucks. why do they make the girl, the stepsister, a bitch here? why do they make her a shallow airhead who is only concerned with a shopping spree at the mall?

Melody: so i can be redeemed at the end, you bitch.

Mardith: i was going to say this is damaging to all women but you are a piece of work... 

Madame Pons: our NeverEnding Story soaps at LUSH are always million-sellers, always bestsellers, they're made from crystals so they're hard on the skin..

Melody: oh no, i'm not doing a fashion montage.........i'm too young for Redbottoms, Mr. Director!!!...

at the Sherman Oaks Galleria mall.

Melody: are you all out of Scattergories?...

Bastian: you have magic in your hand.

Melody: i know, a credit card.

rain scene.

Melody: please don't die, Bastian, i can't go through yet another divorce.

Bastian: if i call you a bitch it's the curse talking, not me.

gnomes: it's a good thing there's only ONE mailing address to Bux in the entire world..........and they all live in Chatsworth...

crones: can we adopt these two as our pets?...

Childlike Empress with a concerned look on her face: Bastian, why have you not completed your mission?

Bastian: um, sorry, ma'am. so Falkor ending up fucking a red paper-dragon box kite in the festival parade route, yeah, that took up most of his time so he couldn't fly me around everywhere anymore.

Melody: i'm sorry, Bastian, let's call it even.

Bastian: even? there's a great imbalance in the Force...

Melody: how can i make it up to you?

Bastian: what does the Book say to do to vanquish the bullies?

Melody: did you take mall karate in the '80s?

Bastian: no, i was too busy being in Fantasia where Mordecai showed me his Bruce Lee chop and chirp...

bullies: okay, let's call it even. you return to us the cassette tape of Janet Jackson's "Nasty" and we'll be nice...

Laertus's dad crying, wiping back the tears on his snotty sleeve: i don't care what any y'all say, this matters, the ending of this MATTERS. divorce is a REAL THING, it's not just a '90s thing. kids got MESSED UP THE REST OF THEIR LIVES because their parents divorced, they were never the same, they flunked out of life. the fact that this marriage was preserved, preserved into a beautiful blended family, means EVERYTHING, it means THE WORLD, BOTH worlds.

Michael Ende: i am the ULTIMATE IRONY, i wrote the greatest children's book of all time, a novel, with my Ende pen, i penned it with my ende, and yet i never had any children of my own...

Michael Ende: g'night folks, keep dreaming of magic, keep following fantasy, keep escaping from the reality of this shit real world.

 

 

JEN AFTER NED: THE SLIP

 

me: i will NEVER forget that moment in space and time. it was the MOMENT i didn't do it, i DID NOT make THE DECISION and thus RUINED my life forever. how was i to know? i was but a stupid 20-year-old college kid who thought he knew what the world was. i recovered from one nervous breakdown, i could do anything now. i was a sophomore now, i could handle it. i thought i had more time, you always think you have more time, but you NEVER have more time, you have to make that decision NOW. five more minutes and it's already too late...

LeBron: ...

me: no, LeBron, this is my story. i love you.

i am at Ned's Bookstore in Berkeley. with tears welling up in my ducts. my eyes are beet red as i wave in and out of consciousness, my body is apart from space-time, i can see the results of all the threads of decisions i've made and didn't make, purple strands against a grey cyclone of dust, and i am eternally sad. it's the last day before the summer semester starts, everyone is excited, everyone is planning to get the fuck off campus and backpack through Europe. nobody's thinking this is the end. whatever friends forged in this brief three-month period, you'll see them again, right?!!! everybody's distracted packing, packing in their heads, thinking about their itineraries. everyone's running to and fro through the textiled text aisles getting to supplies. to and fro through the waxed halls of the student union. you don't have to.........oh i don't know.........get her PHONE NUMBER or anything...

in the middle of the bookshop i stare into Jennifer Pizarro's ocean-blue eyes, not red, blue. encircling us are piles and piles of books stacked high to the dotted ceiling. the stairs are staring at is. everyone is staring at us, all the students and the teaching assistants and the registrars, we're in a trance tornado holding hands and never letting go of those hands. a stiff wind runs through the both of us, through our rippling skins. i'm holding onto Jen by a thread, the only thing keeping me near her is my thumb on a slip of paper she holds with her thumb, too.

me: it's the stupidest thing in the world.

Jen P: it's the simplest thing in the world.  

me: all i had to do was get your phone number on this slip of paper. all i had to do was get my soul mate's number on this slip of paper. and then it's Grill Mates all summer. is that so hard? so i could, you know, call you during the summer, see how you're doing. i just realized you never told me where you lived this semester. you know, so we don't immediately lose contact over the summer. 

Jen: do you feel me slipping away? do you feel me giving you the slip?

me: it HAS to be different this time.

Jen: this ONE TIME you had to make the decision.

me: but if i have to lose you forever.........again.........let me leave you with this Kahlil Gibran quote...

Jen: no, not that, anything but that, anything but another Kahlil Gibran quote...

me: i shall leave you with this, i shall put it thusly: 

"if you're meant to love someone, let them go. if they return, it was meant to be. if she never comes back, she was never yours to begin with..."

the tornado lessens its velocity and the overhead lights come back on, book pages strewn everywhere. in between the slats of the gated spiral staircase of orange stairs the chopped-up pages stick and hook to the carpeted corners.

Jen: come on, stop crying, i hate seeing you cry. here, take this box of baby wipes and dry your eyes. 

me, dabbing my ducts: ...

Jen: really LOOK at that box i gave you.

me, *blushing*: you mean?...

Jen rubbing her belly: one can dream. one can only hope. one can only dream. we'll see how the summer treats us.

with that i am CALM. i am CALM after that. i check my body, no more summer shivers. and i blow my nose on Jen's dress.

i sally over to the lady registrar at the cash register. after 5 hours of line.

me: hey isn't that girl in our drama class?

Jen: oh yeah, i think her name is Jen, too.

Lindy Lenz carrying a heavy backpack twice her tallness: i think i went to Juilliard with that girl.

me: i need help with my textbooks here.

registrar: go to Moe's Books. it's not worth it here.

me: oh yes it is.

registrar: the textbooks here are all ripped, torn, they're only 1 dollar less than the student store. want a Dakine surfer backpack? we're REALLY trying to unload this merchandise before the big day.

Luke Russert: ...

Jen: hey look at this cute cloudy-grey Ned's Bookstore thermos!!! with the Ned's logo of the anthropomorphic book winking as he gives you a raspberry under your taint. and this cute 1949 University of California Santa Monica thermos!!!

me: for some reason the Santa Monica one reminds me of my mom.

Jen: i'm gonna snag the Ned's thermos, it seems like a souvenir we should have for later...

Jen: come on, let's get out of this stuffy school. let's go to my bungalow on the water.

with those breezy precious words coming from those breezy precious chapped lips, i breeze out of Ned's glass outside into my future on a soft wind.

Greykid: yeah Fulga isn't a flake, he's just camera-shy, that cat looks like Trinity. you can use the other two cats, it doesn't always have to be me. where'd Mlem and Blep go?...

Fulga plays the Cat Fugue on the harpsichord.

Mlem: to have...

Blep: ...is to save.

Giannis: my basketball career started at Taco Bell...

Fuerza: my favorite band is Groove Coverage...

Cotard: let's go see Liz Phair!!!

Codrus: why would I see Liz Phair?

Cotard: cos, brother, it's at The Masonic in San Francisco...

Senku: i'm always sticking my pinkie finger in my ear to exhume earwax from my earhole. i do this CONSTANTLY. the wax in my ear is HARD IN THERE, this earwax has hardened, it has fossilized, i listened to too much They Might Be Giants with my headphones on in science class.

Super Beta Prostate: we help you pee!!!.........and do better in the bedroom...

groovy VW electric microbus: Shaggy's pot is organic now...

Shaggy watching TV on the internet: Tubi Tubi Doo, i love you...

French Open: it's not called the French Open anymore, it's called Roland Garros 2023...

Montana Fouts: if you don't have a home, you got nothing in life. if you're not a softball pitcher with a dirty curve, you better like motels. you'll be cleaning motels soon. my home is Montana. i live in Montana, not Alabama...

fundis: butt

Lord Birthday drinking a glass of Monday Milk: i'm China, IL in real life, oak on those nuggins, nuns on ripple.

at the FA Cup.

Prince William: it's odd that i'm at the FA Cup presenting the winners' trophy cos my brother Prince Harry is down there on the pitch in the aqua-blue Aqua Velvet jersey playing for Manchester City...

family: a universal human thing, not just a Southern thing...

Joon: you know you're doing well in life when your house has a dock...

Sam from Benny & Joon: Joon, your house is more iconic than Gone with the Wind's Tara...

The Mars Volta: justice. finally. now i wonder if we'll transform more into a Rage-Against-the-Machine-type band...

Rafa Nadal: imagine if i had Andy Roddick's serve. clay is REAL TENNIS, you can't just blitz your serve in there on your way to a win. clay is tennis, serving is NOT TENNIS. i'll be back in 5 years...

Beth Howland: yeah i played Iola Boylen on Mama's Family...

Abe Lincoln: the greatest album of all time, Queensryche's Promised Land, was recorded right here in Seattle at Big Log Studio...

Cary Elwes: i play for the Yankees now?

Mardith: my husband Daniel Dae Kim goes from being on the BIGGEST TV SHOW OF ALL TIME Lost to doing CAR COMMERCIALS?!!! seriously? come on, TV, give my daddy a chance. Dan Dae would be GREAT in a comedy as the Asian Jerry Seinfeld...

Beau from Welcome Back, Kotter: yeah i went to New York. from New Orleans. i talked with a guy who told me about choking the alligator. i told him about a pregnant alligator...

pocket coalition: Alanis Morissette joining with Switzerland.

American Ninja Warrior: American Gladiators without the American Gladiators...

Roger Federer: i didn't know what i was gonna do with my life. what i wanted my life to be. i was thinking i'd be an oil-painter. then i saw Gemini on American Gladiators up there on that lined boxed Tron stage shooting the fuck outta that tennis-ball cannon, and my future was determined, my fate was sealed...

Skate or Die: that arcade cabinet of 720 was so cool, so mysterious, so mystical. there were always rumors of it on the St. Cyril's playground. but we all first saw it, first caught a glimpse of it, at Michael Jackson's birthday party at Magic Castle in Sherman Oaks. but it turns out 720 is a TERRIBLE GAME. Skate or Die is a CLASSIC skateboarding video game that's actually FUN...

Melbourne: Formula 1, the only profession where you LITERALLY EVERY WEEK decide between money or your life...

Mission: Impossible for the NES: the only video game where you're trying to escape FROM Switzerland...

Roger Federer: ...

Roger Federer: that's like getting a cease-and-desist order from your musical hero...

Jaclyn Dunn: bulky, baby.

the trip takes 1 hour on the highways and fjords but to me it lasts until the end of time. we arrive at Jen's bungalow on the outskirts of the city of Berkeley. the Berkeley Bay. by boat. Jen parks her speedboat Screamer into her cute little brown dock. slats of brown. brownboard. by her yellow Bumblebee car parked on the sandbar's tip. the car has a wetsuit dangling over the edge of its driver's window. the splash of the one aqua-blue wave overcomes both of us, i am soaked. Jen remains with her long thick blonde hair flowing in the wind and glistening in the sun always looking shampoo'd.

Jen: even tho my hair has never been shampoo'd, it's au naturel like the rest of me.

Jen bends down to throw the anchor at the sandbar with one of her patented strong thrusts. the anchor is made of champagne glass. Jen's butt is big and fat and hugged in tight booty jean shorts with many blue threads fraying at the edge of her upper thighs bouncing with each heave.   

me: nice pier you have here.

Jen: it's more of a dock. care to slip into my dock?

me: don't tease me with my everlasting dreams.

me: the Benny & Joon bungalow, nice. it's so nice, it's so nice here. i've never been here before. i'm so glad i hate summer vacation.

Jen: remove your bulky wood block sandals, hon, this is a place to walk barefoot until you pierce the palm of your heel on a rusty nail. 

me: sore heels heal in salty water.

Greykid is inside Jen's house pawing at the mini-glass-chandelier wind-chime outside on the wood balcony.

me: why do you immediately start scratching Jen's rattan chairs after Jen and i went through the painstaking labor of cutting your nails? don't you like to have soft paws when you sleep on a pile of pillows and blankets? don't you like walking again and it doesn't hurt on Jen's '70s kitchen linoleum?

Greykid: what's the big deal? just use peanut butter.

Justin Timberlake on Jen's poster on her bedroom wall: Janet Jackson's tits here cupped by these hands on this poster? these are NOT my hands...

i look at Jen's brown Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman landline phone in the kitchen. the little slip of plastic below the push-button block reads:

555-5555

me: you have GOT to be fucking kidding me. that's one for the time wizard. 

i hear the faint strains of Janet Jackson's "Enjoy" coming from upstairs in Jen's bedroom. suddenly Jen's FACE is right up against my face, she's smiling that big fat toothy goofy grin of hers, her smile of reassurance.

Jen: do the dishes for me, hon.

i check out the cabinet wood drawer. all 12 spoons are spooning with each other all nested together on one side to one side, sleeping. i look back at Jen. Jen is on the other side of the living room. Jen takes my hand.

Jen: come on, let's go upstairs, i got some BIG PILLOWS on my bed.

  

  

TOO HOT FOR TSUNADE

 

notes:

* hailing: you only HAIL from Chicago. nobody hails from any other city but Chicago...

* The Weather Channel: we've impacted exactly 1 quadrillion lives.........this is a number that can be scientifically quantified...

* the Mandalorian: don't worry, i'm from a TV show, i'm not AI...

* Gillian Anderson at Dana Scully's Quantico graduation: remember, follow your dreams, not your boyfriend's. Dana Scully and Fox Mulder won't be girlfriend/boyfriend for a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time...

* Willie from Stranger Than Paradise: Steamboat, not Groundskeeper nor Loman.........i'm turning a corner here in Budapest...

* Bjork: Eingleoi? HELL NO!!! being single SUCKS. why do you think i became a musician? there are only so many toadstools i can touch with my maiden mushroom at the Black Lake...

* Greykid: i gave Cy the kitten my third eye. no cat wants to be a cyclops...

* Leslie Sbrocco at Taste & Sip in San Francisco.

Leslie Sbrocco holding a large new shiny wine glass of diamond: cheers.

Jacques Pepin: stop it with the "cheers," stop that crap, you say that all the time, constantly, it's annoying. we get it, you're a lush. can i taste & sip your big tits? what does your butt look like? we never see your butt on TV. is it cute like my wife's butt? this hotel looks like the Imperial Senate from Star Wars. buttfucking Leslie Sbrocco your crepe suzette, anal with Leslie Sbrocco your soggy baguette. i don't do eateries, i do restaurants on cruise ships. i work Oceania cruise lines, that boatline bottomed me. salty ship tears fall on my Francopenis as i take off my chef hat for the crowd. it's not rose wine unless it has an accent. bouillabaisse is French not American Orleans...

Leslie: why are you surly this morning, Jacques? you're muttering very softly.

Jacques: i'm French. my wife died.

* Raheb: the American Gladiators monk. the one from South Central L.A. Amy Winehouse successfully completed rehab at a mosque.

* Eva from Stranger Than Paradise: oh yeah i also like that show Eureka on the Sci-Fi Channel...

* Michael Weiss: what's going on? i know it's summer but literally NOBODY picked up their phone.........on Instagram DM...

* split foyer: when you want to get kinky. hanky-panky on the stairs...

* Sam Egan: all sci-fi anthology series on TV have that one episode about an old curiosity shop and the eccentric shopkeeper who works there...

* Doryce: the Crone of Cawdor? can't say i remember her. 

Gladyce: don't you, dear? she made the most delicious potato chowder. burned my throat.

Doryce: did she laugh like a crow? that was before my time. 1960s brooms instead of electric paper straws.

Gladyce: those brooms were bra-burning brooms, very important to our sisterhood, using fire for good...

* Dev Shah: psammophile. nothing to do with the Psalms, i don't read the Bible. next time, just say beachlover. i don't keep sand under my bed, i'm not THAT hardcore a Gaara fan. tho i do admire him. $50,000? that's it? that's barely enough to get a plane ticket out of Florida to Hollywood. as you know, everybody's leaving Florida...

* Groundskeeper Willie: i came up with Flamin' Hot Cheetos...

* Marisa Dargahi: everyone eventually ends up going to Ithaca College...

* Golden Corral.

woman: chicken tenders.

man: baby back ribs.

woman: chicken tenders.

man: baby back ribs.

other man: we're missing it, friends. look at us, this is the PERFECT THREESOME...

* neighbor: what the fuck is a brookie?

other neighbor: i can't hear you, i'm in a hammock in my FRONT yard. all the beaches are gone because of global warming.

* Sadie from Verizon: summer love never lasts. summer romances NEVER work out, they always fizzle. if you're starting up a romance in June, know that by August this is NOT the person you're gonna marry...

* Revlon: strangely, our albino line is the most popular...

* iPhone health data: Harry here has genital warts. Henrietta pees when she coughs. this couple are pregnant...

man: you're pregnant?!!! you didn't tell me!!! stop eating those Flamin' Hot Cheetos!!!

iPhone: and this one has never exercised, yoga pants make EVERYONE look good. don't touch that button, Karen Gillan, we know ALL THE MEN you've dated...

* Peloton: grannies have the cutest booties.........grannies have the cutest butts...

Jacques Pepin: ...

* GEICO.

woman: we're poor. we come from the lower-middle-class iron-worker factory towns that support the Pittsburgh Penguins and where hockey originated. so we can't afford that expensive red lamp for our goals. does that red lamp come from Las Vegas? light the lamp means the stove pilot light, once a year for a supper that's hot. red light is good for bonsai trees. my hair used to be brown but it turned red when i became a hockey mom...

* Amazon Prime.

woman: i'm gonna get a revenge body!!!

man: yeah well i'm gonna get a revenge dress!!!

one week later...

man and woman: see that's the thing about us as a couple, we have no other friends, it's just the two of us, only the two of us look at our videos and posts...

* GEICO

Geico Gecko: your house is lovely.

woman: thank you, it looks like the Imperial Senate from Star Wars.

Will Arnett: is this the audition for the Miami Vice reboot?...

* Walgreens: let's cut to the quick, we have the diabetes vaccine. come at 5AM for it, while supplies last...

Wilford Brimley crashes his cocoon into the roof of Walgreens...

Pasqually: do i have to give up sweets?

Walgreens: you can only eat plain donuts.

old man: you're a cute pharmacist!!!

pharmacist: thanks. want help with your cyber-arm?...

CLICK HERE FOR DOHENY SWEET HEAT

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: three words: Doheny Sweet Heat, iykyk

STRANGER THAN PARADISE: CHOKING THE ALLIGATOR

 

Garbine Muguruza is standing outside her hotel in New York City after her U.S. Open match. she spots a handsome stranger next to her on the curb.

Garbine Muguruza: i'm noticing you. are you hailing a cab? i don't know how to hail a cab, i'm from Spain where there are only Catalan cabs that are forbidden except in Andorra.

Rick Moranis: oh yeah i know that man, the Star Wars guy.

Garbine: you like tennis?

Rick: is that a computer game? 

Garbine: do you want a selfie with me?

Rick: no, i don't understand computers. i'm so glad you arrived here and stood over me to protect me from getting mugged. you're quite the tall young lady. have you ever blocked the sun?

Garbine: that's a tennis concept, right? with a yellow tennis ball. or white tennis ball. or aqua-blue tennis ball. you're different, most men who are random fans on the street ask me how much money i make. Steffi Graf was my Bosom Buddies roommate in this building above my head for three years. you look familiar, were you in Star Wars?

Rick: Spaceballs, close enough.

Garbine: wanna get married? i'm at the perfect age to get married, 30.

Rick: um.........maybe. pronouncing your last name forms a cobweb in my mouth. what's your favorite movie?

Garbine: Jerry Maguire. do you like Jerry Maguire? 

Rick: the sequel was better than the original.

the three travelers walk onto a curvy path. suddenly Luke Russert stops in his tracks, puts down his backpack, and breaks down and cries ugly man-tears at the sight of all the HIGH sagebrush that has popped up along the trail over the summer.

me: are you okay, buddy? Luke, are you allergic?

Lindy Lenz: no, i think i know what's going on here. the sage obviously reminds him of his late father somehow. give him some time, we'll let him get all the water out of his eyes.

Luke Russert: it could take weeks.

Lindy: let's rest here, Indian-squat here and let's shoot the breeze.

me: in 2023? 

Lindy: sorry, i was thinking back to when i was a kid.

me: nostalgia is very attractive to me, my precious creature.

Lindy: say what?

me: i'm tinkering, trying different stuff out. you like it?

Lindy: huh.........i like it i like it. it takes some time to get used to but i'm warming to it.

Luke: so how do you do the groceries without a car?

me: dunno but i'm sure it involves your backpack.

Lindy: bingo. Luke's backpack is one of the 8 grocery bags you take back home with you on your bike... 

Luke arrives back at the Disneyland Candy Shop. his server today is Ingrid.

Ingrid: don't let the two BROAD blonde ponytails and the tiny Viking helmet and the big tits in the steel brassiere fool you, i'm actually 70 years old. i have 7 children.

Luke: you clean up good, lady. must be my Lucky California day. you remind me of my mother. 

Ingrid: you see? you missed it again, it's the 100 Years Of WONDER Cereal.

Luke: i know and i am sad. what does it taste like? who's on the cover of the box? 

Ingrid: the white chick from Frozen. white-haired chick. that annoying slim wood Tom Hanks cowboy. and the blue gremlin from Hawaii. i know these things, i have 7 kids.

Mickey Mouse: don't worry, my apostle, you won't have to eat diamonds this time. when you put it in milk the diamonds turn to MAGIC.

Luke: omg this cereal actually tastes GOOD this time. it tastes SWEET, not like that cake-pop cereal which was soft and mushy and malky and disgusting, tasted like papier-mache. i'm gonna drink all the milk in my bowl this time. oh those pretty colors!!! red, blue, purple Mickey-ears bites.

Gladyce grocerying: yeah it's that thing, you know? when you have to get EVERY FLAVOR of an item. i walked to this place 4 TIMES IN ONE DAY because i had to sniff all four varieties of trash bag. lemon, fresh, lavender, and Odor Control the only one with the handles instead of the drawstring. it's the little things in life that make you complete like a multivitamin, that keep you whole like whole milk.

 

Mickey Mouse: i'm wearing the Silver Glove. i'm wearing the red glittery rhinestone diamond jacket. the only thing i'm missing is the hair.

Michael Jackson: easy, you rat wannabe. put some of this Sheryl Crow hairspray in your ears, they'll fall down and collapse into my frizzy hair. 

Mickey Mouse: like when you fell off that stage when your hair caught on fire because God, a known Coke lover, thunderbolted your ass.

Suzy Lu and Kakashi are on food holiday researching their youtube-wedding feast.

Kakashi: what are we doing here, pet? i want to go to the beach to catch some rays.

Suzy Lu: your beach bod has more muscles than Mr. Clean. 

Kakashi: my body is LITERALLY my temple. but i still wear my mask on the sand. because of the Sand Ninja.

Suzy Lu: i hear this place has great adobo kraken. remember what to do when you enter the restaurant?

Kakashi: yeah but it's weird. i'm to kick this guy with glasses in the teeth. 

they enter the 5-star restaurant. which is actually the PBS studios of America's Test Kitchen in San Francisco.

the chef comes out through the swinging doors and lasers in on Suzy's tits with his hands in the air.

chef: hungry, bitch?

Suzy Lu: NOW, KAKASHI, NOW!!!

Darya Folsom: fulsome indeed...

serenity deck: you must listen to the Calm App on one of these or it doesn't work...

Yu-Gi-Oh: ...

Frank Costanza: what's a yugioh?

Doryce: allergic itch? that's me on Thursdays when i don't find a second chance at love at my age hanging out with the Pope on Panther Beach. blacksmith more rings!!!

Doryce: Cadgwith? a green lush hobbit towne to place your Cadgwith vadge into and mess about in the warm sensation of ivy in your cooter.

Ghost Adventures: Lake of Death: this is how the band Live gets back together.........and Linkin Park...

flapdragon: how Shakespeare got drunk.

Tenino: the only high school where the track stars get faster times after downing 10 beer cans.

Boc in Lacoste short shorts with the trim: ...

Joe Downing: 11 cans of beer for me. don't make fun of me or i'll pound you to a pulp. Katie Newcom would have been mine if i hadn't eaten eggplant the night of the big game.

Kate Newcom: yeah i'm just not into dirty blond curly hair on men.

Jeff Spicoli: i'm glad Al Bundy didn't catch that football. i'm glad he threw it into the stands. i don't want Al Bundy being my father. if you dissect Fast Times at Ridgemont High, you'll see that it's only one scene...

Hiawatha: why are you palefaces so fucking foolish? what is WRONG with you people?

Melissa Bell: the whale spy story on CNN. it was so shocking my hair turned white the color of the beluga whale in solidarity, it's a sympathetic-injury sort of thing.

Eye Luggage: Stranger Than Paradise and go.

Eye Luggage: Stranger Than Paradise, it's just.........a very AWKWARD concept. you know? it gets stranger and more surreal the more you think about this concept.........what does stranger than paradise mean?...

Jean-Paul Sartre: my mind is BLOWN into a thousand rainbows. i NEVER became a Christian at the last moment on my deathbed, that was all for show, to heighten the dramatic tension...

Eye: this film title is very GOTH, i love it.

Jim Jarmusch: *palm up* i'm not gonna talk much, i'm gonna let the film do my talking. please, no more inane questions from the paparazzi, my twin-spirit and fellow black-and-whiter indie Indian friend Spike Lee is staying with me at my loft this weekend, i'm comforting him, he lost his stalwart of a father, the jazz musician who was a better artist than Spike. 

Spike Lee: my dad was my teacher.

Jim: give us some room, you camera maggots.

Jim: Stranger Than Paradise HAD to be in black-and-white. it had to be SEEN IN BLACK AND WHITE. it simply COULDN'T BE SEEN IN COLOR. 

Jim Jarmusch: everyone thinks i did 200 Cigarettes.........but i didn't.

Laertus's dad: i firmly believed i had seen my first Jarmusch film at Berkeley. which was 200 Cigarettes.

Christina Ricci: did everyone like my accent in that movie?

Natasha Lyonne: i did. only i did. suck on 400 more nicotine sticks, Tina Ricci you Long Island wench.

Jim Jarmusch: i am the vanguard of the New Age of American independent cinema. stark. dark. stripped-down. bare. vital. me and Spike. Spike and i obviously were classmates at NYU and all of these early films of ours are actually our Final Grade Theses to pass our graduate classes. 

Spike Lee: all art comes from teachers.

Jim: now THAT homework was FUN to do...

Jim: 1984 was a VERY GOOD YEAR...

John Lurie: if you do anything pay attention to my jazz stuff, not my painting. my wailing saxophone. my sax isn't sexy it's gritty. a life of Lyme. are you my stalker?

Richard Edson: no.

John: see this is a confusing movie because the two male leads LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE. i literally have a doppelganger stalker.

Richard: how's Jill Goodwin?

John: HOW DO YOU KNOW JILL?!!! sorry i'm either paranoid or it's the effects of the chronic Lyme disease. she's fine. she's still around. but she's leaving on a safari with her aunt Jane Goodall to study the chimpanzees now that it's the 1980s. this safari will take a lifetime...

Eszter Balint: i'm a hot babe.........but it's more that i was YOUNG at the time, you know? i am not a computer game, i am quite REAL. i can assure you i'm real. let's face it, i was only hired for this because i'm Hungarian.

Richard: Balint, that would make a cool band name.

Eszter: yeah, like Lindt chocolate balls. not cake balls. the kids at school made fun of me, called me Blintz Blimp even though i was skinny. yeah, an orchestra, a one-woman orchestra, just me on my violin!!!

John: see? all of us musicians were ACTORS IN DISGUISE for this project!!! that's why the acting came out so natural. we had no idea what we were doing, what we were talking about at any given time, it was all ad-libbed improv in real time on the spot.

Jim: script? what script? i only worked on this script during my 20 college years...

Jim: speaking of, do you like the music in this film? it's not a documentary, it's a real film. a real art film. a long indie short perfect for PBS. do you like the haunting background music? the spooky sounds, the spooky soundtrack. it's bleak and mechanical, pre-industrial to match all the factory smokestacks. i combined Spike Lee's father's jazz trumpet and haunting horn with Eraserhead music...

Jim Jarmusch: i kind of look like Eraserhead in real life...

Bill Lee: my son said it was okay to lounge on the brownstone stoop of the Sesame Street House...

Jim: how's the chronic Lyme disease now?

John: chronic.

Jim: have you tried alternative medicines?

John: that New Age shit?

Jim: i'm Mr. New Age, baby!!!

John: so how was it being the drummer for Sonic Youth?

Richard: i don't remember any of that time period. but i loved them, they were cool people to be with, they all wore the same one pair of grey skateboard sneakers. the only thing i remember was Kim Gordon saying she wanted to be Courtney Love With Depth...

Jim: no coverage, that's awesome for me. SO MUCH LESS WORK. every film-school director should do this, it saves on time. every single-person auteur with an iphone for their camera just needs to film the ONE SCENE WITH THE TWO PEOPLE TALKING, no time for backgrounds...

Eszter: or 360 around-the-world swirls...

Jim: we do the around-the-worlds at the after-party.........in the edit bay...

Willie: you never see the dograces.

Greykid: and thank god for that, no animals were harmed in the making of this picture.

Willie: i had a porkpie hat on because i should have been private-investigating my black soul.

Screamin' Jay Hawkins; "I Put a Spell on You", that set you back.

Jim: yep, the ENTIRE budget down the drain for your copyrights. and you're not even on the soundtrack!!! 

Screamin' Jay: everyone thinks i'm shouting but this is my normal speaking voice. nobody ever listened to me before. in real life i'm a werewolf fit up in Michael Jackson's finest opera finery. not a clothed jaybird at the Oprah Winfrey Show. 

Wille: speak ENGLISH. not Hungarian.

Eva: why? this is America.

Eva: what cartoon is this?

Willie: the Bugs Bunny one with the talking dog. what if dogs can talk? i'm rethinking my dogracing "career."

Eva: do they sell Chesterfields in Cleveland?

LeBron: does the pope smoke in the woods?

 

Willie: in America we call passing the vacuum choking the alligator.

Eva: yeah right, thanks. i'm not stupid, you know. and it should be choking the crocodile for alligator alliteration. hey at least you're not saying all women in America do the vacuuming bottomless or topless but not both like in Working Girl. in Hungary my chocolate violin stands for my pussy, you American moron.

Billie Joe Armstrong: American idiots like me perform cameos at shows where Green Day cover bands are unsuspecting. but only in Europe because we gotta get our image up there.

Willie: what what? what's all the fuss? the vacuum looks like an alligator is all.

Eva: when you said you were "playing solitaire" i honestly thought you were going to masturbate in front of me. but here you are actually with Solitaire playing cards.

Eddie: i have a crush on your cousin.

Willie: good. she's my cousin, not my sister. the plan the whole time was to make you my best man and my in-law.

Eddie: my nickname in college was Fast Money because i always got the line right.

Willie: you did NOT go to college. you did not go to high school. my middle name is Loman, i'm gonna have a depressing life from the start.

Eva: i don't get this American football, your game, why doesn't the offense AND defense go on the field at the same time and vie for the ball?

Willie: you're onto something, that WOULD make for a better sport, make it Powerball from American Gladiators. you like late-night sci-fi movies?

Eva: yeah, Eraserhead and Teen Wolf. the ones where a girl can ride a raygun transporter out of the dingy apartment she's trapped in and go to Cleveland.

Eva: what are TV dinners?

Willie: the food appears AFTER you've watched the 30-minute sitcom TV show.

Willie: put on this dress i bought for you, wear it ONCE, then throw it away in the garbage can outside by the bricks below the fire escape.

Eva: why?

Willie: i'm recreating the scene from West Side Story.

at the poker game.

Eddie: i'm scared, Willie.

Willie: stay cool, man, that's the thing with cheating, cheating is IMPOSSIBLE to prove, cheating is such a nebulous concept. don't worry about the hothead with the glasses, he's a New York City performance street artist. 

Pauline Kael: we only see the dingy side of New York. all the dingy streets and the dingy buildings. imagine if there was a scene with Eva on top of the dingy Empire State Building looking out through a dingy telescope, that would have been so cliche...

 

the small-time hustlers arrive in Cleveland.

Eddie: that's the thing, Willie, no matter where you go in this world, IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME.

Jim: this is the profoundest line in the piece. think about it, it's so true.........take a minute to really think about it. there's no escape, there's no traveling to the NEW THING. New Delhi looks exactly like Watts. Paris is the same as Pleasanton...

Laertus's dad: you know this is a fantasy of mine, going to your favorite local greasy spoon in the snow and the babe of the waitress there is someone you know. that's comforting on so many levels. reminds me of the gyro front on Gilmore Street. except my waitress was a fat sweaty Greek guy with a greasy apron.

 

Willie: wait, you already have a boyfriend after ONE DAY in Cleveland? how?

Eva: look at me.

Willie: want us to dump him in the Cleveland River for you?

Eva: that is such a touristy thing to do.

Cecillia Stark: I AM THE STAR OF THIS MOVIE. know why? none of the stuff i say is IN THE SCRIPT. all of my clever sayings i say off the top of my head. why am i not on Game of Thrones with my name and thick Hungarian accent? WHY ARE YOU KIDNAPPING HER?!!!

Eva: it's not kidnapping if you KNOW the person, Aunt Lotte...

Lotte: and how do i know he's really related to you? just cos he drinks milk like us? he's a stranger who knocked on my porch door asking for TheraFlu...

Willie: we're all gonna die. we're all gonna be buried in this frozen lake here. what's the point of life?

Eva: for all three of us to put our feet into ONE PAIR of Air Jordans.

Mr. Kotter: Gabe Kotter here, i mean Gabe Kaplan, whatever, doesn't matter. LOOK AT THAT SLIDE-OUT BED IN THE MOTEL!!! the bed literally slides out of the nightstand. that is the grooviest coolest raddest bed EVER. Julie and i slept on a bed like that when we lived together. the sex was thin.

Julie Kotter: i am so skinny i can slide back into the nightstand while still on the bed mattress.

Eva: me, too. we should have done that instead of me putting my head down in the car so you didn't have to pay for three. 

Rammellzee: i just invented Vaporwave in the '80s.........i don't need the dust game anymore. want some dust? want the rest of my dust?

Eva: no i'll just take the cash.

Jim: did you see the other woman with the hat who was switcheroo'd? that's my future wife Sara Driver. it's nice when your partner helps you to do what you do, huh.

Dana Scully at your graduation: remember, follow YOUR dreams, not your boyfriend's dreams...

Mardith: but that fancy wide-brimmed straw HAT!!! where on earth did you get that hat?!!! that hat is the most important piece in all this!!!

Eva: from Stevie Luffy Audrey Hepburn Nicks. not from the Disneyland Candy Store.

Laertus: okay i wasn't expecting laughs from this but this scene is HILARIOUS!!! the Eva-Sara Driver double-take, i'm peeing my laughter.

Willie: i told you, Eddie, HORSES, not dogs. 

Eddie: i know, i told you. bet on Mage i said.........does anyone remember Mage? Mage has already been completely forgotten. 

 

Willie: so i talked with the airline agent.

Eddie: was he cool?

Willie: yeah, he's the guitarist from Rage Against the Machine...

Willie: this bitch really messed up my whole life.

Eddie: Willie, i think you're in love with your own cousin.

Willie: why does this airport only sell one-way tickets?...

Willie: why, Eva, why?

Eva: what can i tell ya, a woman can take you to another universe. and sometimes she just leaves you there.

Willie: and apparently my universe is Budapest. i'm an American, i don't wanna go to Europe...

Jim Jarmusch: what does it all mean?

Eszter Balint: it all goes back to the hat, the hat is the SYMBOL here. see how she's rubbing the brim of the sunhat? that's where she keeps the money. she's gonna be a drug dealer from now on for petty cash. this was all an elaborate scheme to get rid of Willie so Eva and Eddie could be together.

Eddie: good cos i thought i had just lost my two best friends. i thought i had lost the only family tethering me to this world. i won't be alone forever.

Eva: and we get Willie's apartment to start a family!!! g'night folks.