MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: THE GREY DUPLEX

 

Mary Ann Caliento is my tennis teacher. she has ragged large-curly dirty-blonde hair that's always wet even when dry, a STUBBY core, fat face with freckles, zigzag tube socks and pink vinyl short shorts out on court.

Mary Ann Caliento: i'm Madonna with curly hair. i live in a grey duplex overlooking the Encino Hills. the apartment complex is sprawling, i have to make nice with all the new tenants who move into the building because there's only ONE COURT out back.

Jen R in a green visor and puce shorts: this is a COOL tennis court!!! it's grey like those muni courts at the park. 

me in my Bonobo T-shirt: i feel naked. is this the court?

Mary Ann: i feel bad, being a tennis instructor and all, i take up all the time on this court, i really don't let anybody else have it. i hit my landlord in the head with a whizzing 100mph serve.

Jen: tennis ball or pebble?

Mary Ann: at a woman's 100, it makes no difference...

me wearing jeans on court: bald legs. i feel nervous. i don't want to fuck this up.

Mary Ann feeling nauseous: you have what it takes to turn pro.

me: i'm just in high school.

Mary Ann: about that.........i'm 30. drills consist of running in the park and jogging around this duplex as i watch you from my Juliet window on  the second story. hit that Kix cereal box on the other side of the net with this purple tennis ball and glowing racquet.

me: this is too strange for me!!!

Catherine O'Hara: a text is MAGICAL, you've really made contact with the person, you know?...

UK: The Andrew Formerly Known As Prince.

Prince: is Andrew going to that prison you guys have over there that looks like Willy Wonka's candy castle? do prisons have elevators?...

Salman kingLK check out the Rd Dhoe Faires prisoner I wrote :As she is he's." I CMA eupo with the premise for :OST!!! I really as Moe of a genius than Hollwyopod who summed me gave me croft for.

Okay RL eventually, all food tastes the same.

red Dhor Giarteisl desperation is a lied-in human emotion.

John Fun getting the sex scene in Biys n the Hodod is rekaiicl you will be fucking whi;Le for head and through your windows LAID helicopters flying over our roof re flashing Thor high beam floodlights on your end.

et your Game Day snacks!!! at Safeway!!!.........;r ASAP jog try Olympics ate your Game Day?... 

Burger King l how is a hamburger supposed to be Welty?...

Isabela levito: pm OST here for the skating gala, the REAL competition. IPM wearing my honey Blele ballroom gown on the ice. gonna if me a nice bothered WT a yacht, ice soccer,e think about it...   

Pandi: a Tolien tee in real life...

pokemonl e have a monster with a hickey mask on ice skates, right?

Mike Etizionel The lace on ice, brought to you by Pokemon!!!

bike polo: ot;s Co e AOE there's no goalie...

Easley Outl I get it, the grey-white Muni Manahattan cotton. bot the bike lol championship watch should be played in Portland...

Food;l I;lm Moe of a Jung person.

JungL and ULM Moe of a hung person...

E6;Lee GuLL time to hate me more because o  the cievr of Hong Kong Bovogeioe I ok Ike dorey Hepburn...

Sarah Schleper: schlep,r I should=h Ave even a cross=country skier.

Skysa liuL Forpthy Hamill Bob my ass. I;m a real one, Lima  rela pros whi ahs a job sucking sleeves when il  not skating. I'm from oak town, man, my happy is a tapiioca-mocha parsfaor dousing cup.

Johannesburg k Jen lucid I  Defrost a!!! y could will. it the doming a stack at strict 9...

Blake Griffin l I'm not down with NBD :exports."

Stephen A, DmothL ...

B;lake: bot I like you, ease your;e a good actor., I learn for  you how to do my red nester chemicals, act ore you're having a head seizure...

lebron James; is it word to at chocolate chips cookies with wine?

Vailia Vlrkl mow rode than  Ozark with wine, I;ve never had cheese...

Michael Weiss: the Lord will provide us with the next meme...

we have a lesson-mate who lines up with us, a ginger boy with biceps in his tennis shoes and a Morrissey emo curl in his hair called Evans. Evans is only interested in making me do weird wrestling moves.

Jen R: it's not PRO wrestling, dude!!!

Evans: hey look do this: roll your fist into a ball, shoot up to the sky then down to the ground, the Tarzan March, like you're working a stairmaster in La Canada. that's the signature entrance of The Monkey Wrench Brothers, i watch WWF on Saturday mornings as i swallow pickles for breakfast.

me: Evans,you are frightening me. being near the hot breath of your face is making me break out in hives. 

Jen: his skin is rashy.

me: i wanna go up to your apartment after practice. 

Jen: don't worry, he doesn't sweat when he plays tennis, he won't need a shower. 

Evans: he's not a hard worker.

Mary Ann: okay but not to my bedroom, only to my Pee-wee's Playhouse black-and-white-racing-flag kitchen countertop for milk and cookies. some peanut-butter-and-mustard sandwiches to fatten your legs. there are things in my hamper i don't want boys seeing.

ON A BRAKE: YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT ALL OF IT

 

Walker makes a pit stop to The Treehouse for some eating advice. Gladyce has always been a surrogate grandmother to him.

Gladyce: why the fuck are you so giant?!!!

Walker: must have been something i ate.

Gladyce: see that's the thing, you don't have to eat it all. when you're trying something new, different, foreign to your palate, take a SAMPLE of it, one bite, that's it, throw the rest in the trash. 

Walker: i've been called white garbage.

Gladyce: you don't have to eat the entire TUB of mashed potatoes with chives and sour cream. just the corner. you don't have to finish the entire bottle of that malky Ensure Very Vanilla nauseous milk. just taste the tip.

Jamie Lee Curtis: story of my life.

Jen R: in our dream we're at the corner booth of Burger King.

Gladyce: corner, promising so far.

Billy Corgan: we aren't connected. either get another dream, another Siamese, another wrist tat, or i'm gonna have to drop you from my friends list.

me: am i wearing the Burger King paper crown?

Jen: no you have hair, remember? when we get served our two burgers each in the wrapper it's not the savory stacked gourmet char joy of a grilled Burger King hamburger but the NASTY fried mcburgers of McDonald's. our mouths agape AGHAST in disgust.

Gladyce: see? eating leads to disappointment.

Leslie Sbrocco: stick with one peanut-butter-and-sour-cream sandwich each night for dinner.

Ronald McDonald: i mean how can a hamburger be juicy?...

Scrubs: you see how easy it is to just bring back a show for another season? that's what we all want!!! now let's do the same with ER, Seinfeld, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and the Robert Stack Unsolved Mysteries...

Spock, Bones, and Kirk camping in Yosemite at the end of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier: we killed God *group laugh*.

Jimmy Fallon shaking the bottle: these pills will cure your cognition and aches. i'm gonna need you to vote for Bill Clinton again...

Rollie Wesen: see it's the same concept.

Gladyce: yeah.

Rollie: this garlic-bread loaf i'm swinging like a lightsaber.

Jen: you do that very well.

me: i don't get it.

Rollie: you're only gonna eat a piece of this loaf once.

Gladyce: then the remaining 7/8 of the loaf will sit on tip of your refrigerator forever...

Dutch Bros: the official coffee of Doesburg...

Amy Poehler on her podcast: cuz we need HELP to live, child.

Charles Nelson Reilly swathed in white Cannon towels: time for me to give Brett Somers her bath.

Brett Somers: my breakfast bath. it's an oatmeal bath that i sometimes eat. have you ever bathed in milk?

Charles Nelson Reilly: it's weird, trust me, honey. those ascots Fred from Scooby-Doo wears are MINE!!! GIVE EM BACK!!! just give them to the nurse, my bedpan's full of soup.

Kurt Cobain on Unplugged: tell me how did you sleep last night...

Jen: very well, thank you. had some wild extensive deep-sleep dreams. that i forgot.

Jen R: do you know how i know i'm your soulmate?

me: how?

Jen: i spell the word remembrance right.

Proust: ...

Miss Piggy: no matter what you're doing in life, you're ALWAYS in pursuit of meeting a handsome man...

the only cool cowboy: the cowboy that points his guitar down like it's a bow-and-arrow...

Red Shoe Diaries: believe in the miracle.

Gladyce: here.

Jackie: thank you for bringing him back. dropping him off like he was in nursery school. i don't know what to do with myself when he's not around. life is boring you see. he's back to regular size, good. truth was we weren't talking when he was a giant.

Gladyce: not communicating?

Jackie: no we weren't seeing eye to eye, he couldn't hear what i was saying...

 

ON A BRAKE: WALKER'S LINE

 

Walker: i love living right next to the highway. it's so convenient. at the first threat of atmospheric river, i'm biking my way down GONE. don't worry, my motorcycle lubes itself on the rainwater. 

Jackie: not even me flicking crunchy edamame off my tits can keep you here with me?

Walker: the giant snowman who lives in the clouds waits for no man. even a giant man like me. sorry babe, fights must be fought or there's no fucking.

Jackie: no fucking after? then a thunderstorm's not romantic anymore...

mixed skeleton: SHE'S SCRAPING LIKE A FATHERFUCKER!!!

Nika Prevc: it's like Vitamin C. Sunny D. i look like Princess Allura's mouse if she were a human girl. the '80s Voltron is the only cartoon they show in Slovenia...

Death: *scythe sigh*

Jung: my dream dictionary is more nuanced than yours.

Freud: ...

Katniss: but i've been accused of cattiness when it was courage...

crumbs: that's the best part!!!

Walker: I NEED BOOTS!!!

Hillary Clinton: Aunt Cork with real power.

Zrek: umbrellas are useless. an umbrella just gives up a hand. unless you're holding the umbrella with JUST your long E.T. finger...

atmospheric river: i arrive right after 7:30AM to RUIN your morning commute...

Fire Horse: don't douse me with the fire hose...

twobob: two-man bobsled.

Sally Jessy Raphael: i had the better glasses. i could find them at Greyhound depots because they were red.

Martina Navratilova: but have you analyzed your dreams where you take yourself out of it?

Walker retreats from the sky battle back to St. Cyril's long blond hair disheveled, still hasn't shorn his stubble, and literally licking his wounds.

Walker: i'm using my long tongue to lick my belly wound. a battle in the clouds goes unseen... 

Father Navin: and why have you found yourself today with me here in this tiny sardine-tin confessional booth? at this church made of stone. why are you kneeling in front of me looking through cheesecloth at my rain-soaked eyes and lips stained from cotton candy. 

Walker: i tried to fight a giant snowman in the sky and lost.

Father Navin: i see.........i knew this day would come, my mother warned me not to believe in things. that's why i purchased a red spongy psychiatrist couch. unfortunately this shit hovel is so small the couch can't fit so no one's getting healed in this space. 

Father Navin: do you know you're tearing the environment to shreds?

Walker: what environment?

Father Navin: you're a giant and hence have a giant motorcycle. the fossil fuels needed to motor that thing alone is a totem smokestack unto itself making the ozone hole bigger than the moon!!! 

Walker: but not the Death Star.

Father Navin: you have SINNED, son. you look like a motorcycle punk, young man. don't be a faggot, say your Hail Marys. how many Hail Marys have you said in your life?

Walker: is that the roller-derby queen?

Father Navin: what are you doing here, man? your lady misses you, she's called me using my private phone number to tell me as much. go to her. you Kurt Cobain wannabe. she wants to give you a sloppy blowjob instead of a kiss. 

 

 

 

ON A BRAKE: BREAST AS CRADLE

 

the mist hits the four corners of the backlawn garden party. faded brown-green in the middle. wrought-iron pretzel chairs, bars, and small raised pub iron circle tables. 

Jen R: is this a THX 1138 mist?

me: no, this mist is friendlier. yet unknown.

i'm beckoned to the side lane of my own house by Jackie.

Jen: the lane with the door and the mat outside. middle space of the dividing fence.

Jackie Fitzgerald: you never noticed my tits like this before, huh. *pointing* look at the community pipes.

the station where all the neighborhood pipes flow into, where the street gets all its water, the pretzel pipes, is frozen solid. it has turned into a snowman.

Jen: holy fuck!!! Walker is 10 feet tall!!!

Walker is indeed a giant, his legs are the only things visible next to petite Jackie. two GIRTHY tree-trunk legs shooting like a fat beanstalk to the pink cloud high above. 

the Library of Alexandria: we were just making space for when Tool would film their music video here...

Boyz n the Hood: the most intense scene was the SAT!!!

Milan: if you don't watch the Olympics, did they happen?

Michael Phelps in a Bud Cort coat: if the Winter Olympics aren't televised, did they happen?

Cortina: ...

Brazil: there is one ski slope.........no wait that's a sandbar...

Brazilian skier: bottoms up, muchacho...

Lucy: I Love Lucy is the perfect show to binge on Valentine's Day, it's that grey heart...

The Winter Olympics: if you complete your run, it's boring. it's only exciting if you FALL, SLIDE, WIPE OUT!!!

3rd Place: small final.

Robert Reich: i don't mean to alarm you but...

Chipotle: NOBODY is clamoring to bring the chicken al pastor back. nobody cares about chicken al pastor...

Scott Galloway: i also do those YouTube videos where i show you how to make a Detroit-style pizza that retains the caramelized crust...

Jordan Catalano: i can't read. as in i can't read the signals Angela is sending me each time she looks at me...

Jordan Catalano: i can't read the room!!!

curling: we turned this into a MASSIVELY IMPORTANT sport that it just wasn't.

curling: it's a lawn game.

Chilly Willy: a frozen lawn game.

Jen Watson from The Weather Channel: i'm the most good-looking lesbian of all time...

Made In America: no matter how hard you close your eyes and pretend, you are inextricably in the global system...

Shaq: i was jealous of Super Mario, he had all his women smelling of plumber-truck water. 

Mario: hey fellas, i'm just a guy here. i came to practice eating my tupperware of Goomba chicken and rice with a little red sauce. i got 20 rebounds a night off brick coins.

Dennis Rodman: Madonna was scared of my green hair.

Walker: the atmospheric rivers, man, the water comes out like a FAUCET in the sky. it's unnatural rain. the rain lubes my cock. do you know how cool it is to hydroplane on a Harley?!!!

Jackie: as you can plainly see, sex with Walker leaves me with an an astronomically good feeling.

me: i'm seeing this now, yes.

Jen: we agree. cloud nine, both meanings. we concur, no more cattiness. as we crane our necks to the clouds. no vanilla sex here.

Walker: babe i gotta go.

Jackie: what the. the fuck?

Walker: well i'm the only one who can fight the giant snowman in the sky to get our water back.

Jackie, sulking: i won't miss you. i'll fuck the mailman.

Jen: but you're the mailman.

Jackie: exactly.