Wednesday, January 20, 2021

PROPER PAT: BOC AND RYAN SEACREST HAVE A HEART-TO-HEART





Pat: in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to reinvent oneself...

Galivant: you do that everytime you sleep with one eye open...

Pat: it's true, the transformation actually happens everyday, it's just imperceptible cos it moves so slowly, like a Jim Croce song, microscopic packets of time...

Galivant: what will you do now?

Pat: i will save Britain!!! by leaving Britain. i will save mankind! by becoming womankind!

Debbie Harry: i went to the Afterlife...cos being a woman is already Heaven...

Cotard: i don't like calling wikipedia users users cos it makes them sound like druggies...

Dirg: they are tho...

Andy Roddick: until i did SNL i didn't realize about the whole "Raw Dick" thing. that was the first time in my life i ever uttered the word hoohaa...

Federer: Christmas 2003 was the BEST Christmas you will ever have in your life, Andy...the only true Christmas you ever had...

Andy: things were looking up for me back then, i thought i'd retire with 10 majors...

Cecily Strong: for the record we asked Juan Carlos Ferrero to host SNL but he declined...

Sampras: Roddick only won cos i retired...

Dirg: you are KILLING my love life by keeping your Instagram pics private!!!!!!!!!!...

Herve Villechaize: i would do it all over again, i wouldn't change a thing.........except the end part...

Alex Trebek: same...

Jay Leno: after latenight i had to become the Green Giant...

Jean Woods: edge has no age. i was Paula Rego when she was younger. i didn't have a stroke, my left stroke just went viral. i am all for Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor...

Gladyce: the trash bags behave much like bellybuttons: they are either innies or outies with the orange pullup handles...

Charles Rocket: i felt so guilty doing that Rocket Report at The Dakota just two weeks before Lennon was shot there...

cat familiars: rooting through trash, how undignified!!! like raccoons!!!...

Amanda Gorman: the pen is mightier than the gun...

Biden: see my Biden Bible? it's bigger than the house it was found in! i'm dustier than it! it's in the shape of a big lunchpail box to remind myself everyday that i need to bring my lunchpail to work with me up to the Cream House...

Eye Luggage: i knew i liked this man...

Dirg: what's with the Walgreens beta soccer-dad commercial?...

Tyzik: it's in High-Definition......oh, you mean...

Gladyce: life hack: put all the contents of a box in a plastic bag in the freezer, throw out the box, saves space.

Gilbert Gottfried: you know what's sad? i was hot when i was young, i had the cool long hair and the motorcycle jacket when i was on SNL. why o why the FUCK did i adopt this voice!!!???...

Takahashi: did anime cause the alt-right? i watch it for the storylines, nothing more..

Mardith: i got the wrong starchart, there's stars in the shape of Dippers but not in the shape of a Scales...

Madame Pons: use the scale in your heart to take the measure of a man...

Pat: it would be cool if one of the zodiac signs were Dipper, that's a cool name. Mardith girl i wish your shoe pantry served food...

Dirg: i'm always on eggshells when i'm talking to my foreigner Instagram friends...

Laertus: choke me with the strap of my PBS totebag...

Eye Luggage: OH BABY I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THIS HORNY!!!

Laertus: today's a big day...

Eye Luggage: not cool the baby strollers at The Store fitted with police-car boxes on top...

Oprah: ladies and gentlemen, welcome my sister to my new show, Valerie Jarrett!

Roseanne: can we please be best friends now? can we please become best friends in media prison?

Valerie Jarrett: i am not anyone's bitch.

Bump: i am forming a new political party called the Bump Bros...

Pat: so no women? 

Bump: where i'm going, there are no women...

Bill Barr: i got a job wiping the lectern at the Inauguration...

MC Hammer: i did the benediction...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Debbie Harry: that should have been ME playing Lucille Ball!!! not that other stupid Deb!!!...

Debra Messing: i'm so drunk off today i don't care what you call me...

Dirg: you a mess...

Eye: To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar and go...

Dirg: gotta give it up to my man Wesley Snipes, he ACTIVELY pursued this role! i gotta be more like him, so secure in his manstrength was Wesley...

Wesley from Star Trek: why is everyone looking at me?...

Laertus: the funnest film title ever. also the first film with the title of a letter...

Eye: gotta say i am PROUD of this film! it really shows full human beings living their lives, not caricatures of gay-man drag queens. bold confident strong men living their truth!

Dirg: sassy. sassy men. man up, boy in a dress!

Patrick Rafter: the Australian film is better. Priscilla and roaming the desert in a van...

Dirg: fag only uttered by the white-trash cop and the white-trash abusive husband of course, such a '90s movie. hey let's get this outta the way now, Patrick Swayze makes a HOT woman. she fills the part of Vida with such warmth and compassion she melts into the performance, i was crying by the end! i'm not questioning but still...

Dirg: but who's Wong Foo?

Eye: it's the dive in New York City they go to, the gay bar.

Takahashi: it would have been nice to get Bruce Lee to play Wong Foo, just saying.

Bruce: what?

Takahashi: hey i'm trying to keep you alive here, Bruce!

Dirg: *shaking his fist* New York City!!!

Laertus: the land where EVERYTHING happens. Drag Queen of the Year contest in bold array of color and spectacle! this predicted Pose! yep, it's either New York or L.A., that's where all the enlightened culture is in this country, fuck flyover country. 

Eartha Kitt: why am i not in this seminal film? purrrrr <---that was an angry hiss

Julie Newmar: i became known for playing a cat but in real life i wanted to get caught! go to any Swinging Sixties club in San Francisco and there i was licking my wounds in the tub. i was more in line with the Groovy Adam West Batman dancing the Pulp Fiction dance. i am more in line with the film which will be discussed next week...

Laertus: RuPaul before he was RuPaul

Dirg: before RuPaul was a woman?

Laertus: no before he was Famous Famous Famous RuPaul. okay THAT IS THE GREATEST DRAG QUEEN NAME OF ALL TIME: RACHEL TENSIONS. nothing will ever come close, he wins first-place forever...

Dirg: the Flag is being desecrated...oh it's just clothes...

Codrus: *Codrus chuckle* it's hard writing wikipedia writeups for these people, you never know which pronoun to use...

Eye: can i get a what-what for Noxeema, named for the greatest skin cream of all time. of all '90s anyway. remember those commercials, Tyzik? they were so Saved By The Bell, not the reboot...

Dirg: those acne pads had something in them......i couldn't stop licking them in 8th Grade...

Robin Williams: his name is my name, too, that's the tragedy, it didn't fit on a voter-registration card, it was seen as a double and voided and thrown out, my vote didn't count. i almost had the lead in this, when the crones read my palm and saw my forearm and saw my future all they saw was a cage...they were right on that one in more ways than one...

Nick: not me. i'm not Santa.

Dirg: i'll say this right now: i'd fuck Chi Chi Rodriguez. John Leguizamo is SEXY AS FUCK here. the legs!!! she i mean he has that Spanish stutter-loco to his voice, the bodega lisp, you know when Spanish people always sound like they're whining when they talk. he has that subtle flirtatious laughy drawn to his breath, he's the drama queen drag with the broken heel popping out of the car, he's right, he IS the Mexican Marilyn Monroe!

John: that's Puerto Rican, not-papi-chulo...

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: yeah i sued. can i get some respect goddammit. i'm a GOLFER dammit! chi-chi is NOT my accent it's my name!

Takahashi: i LOVE their road-trip car! sexy. drawn-out long carriage. sporty. this just wouldn't have worked if the top hadn't been popped...

Rubikon: Kamala's a mommy. of the country. watching this along with you guys, my job is done...train...not that train...

Eye: Sheriff Dollard is a dullard. if i was confronted with that racism i would have called him a hick honky out loud to his squad-car buddies over the intercom.

Madame Pons: don't forget the rape, it's always glossed over...

Dirg: at least he didn't get shot with his own gun. at least this is Nebraska and not Obvious Texas. they should have killed the cop Thelma & Louise-style, would have made a more interesting script...

Laertus: piggybacking off your cop, i really wish they had delved in more. had Jason London REALLY be in a relationship with Leguizamo, over lentil soup, a scene where they get naked and fuck. that would have brought even more of the stark reality of unconditional love to this backwater dusty town...

Dirg: Beth Grant, is this bitch 100 years old or what! she's in EVERYTHING!!! she's the female Samuel L Jackson. i mean i swear i saw her in Birth of a Nation!!!...

Eye: that's it, girl! no man is worth your dream! you should only dream of the films of Dorothy Dandridge...

Laertus: i LOVE how they just come out and say it: the Hollywood whitewashing, how Dorothy Dandridge was the ONLY one who didn't play the help since Hollywood's inception, they went there with this script, it was all in the script and they filmed this script as is and distributed it as is...

Dirg: Hollywood allowed this?...

Halle Berry: without this film i don't get the Oscar to get me able to play Dorothy Dandridge MY way...

Dirg: Robert Mitchum, isn't he the guy who once told a director

you want me to cum? how hard?...

Mardith: Coke Is It billboard, that's sexy...

Eye: repairman? ARLISS HOWARD, FIX YOURSELF!!!

Dirg: it's a little comical tho. spices? he gets mad over SPICES!!!?

Leguizamo: not a real Spanish man, can't take the heat on his tongue. it's true about Latin lovers...

Arliss: in my defense i'll never be as cool as the show i'm named for. i masturbated too much to the Spice cable channel as a kid i broke. that got me into rap which i was ashamed of, my favorite secret group was Salt-N-Pepa. i have centuries of bred-in white guilt over my great great grandfather being the slavetrader with the whip his picture in all the history books, he was in charge of the spices aboard the Dutch East India Company.

Takahashi: all those ships and not ONE good one, not the ship from Pirates of Dark Water...

Blythe Danner: we missed the opportunity to do the dick-in-the-pie thing first...

Patrick Swayze: fete champetre, a bohemian garden party where the champagne flows like water...

Dirg: and Wesley Snipes goes all White Men Can't Jump on their roughneck asses. yeah he can shoot the jumper blind!...

Dirg: that's what you get for making fun of Wesley Snipes's In Living Color folded-up hat. that's the problem with having dicks, they are so easily pulled. why didn't Vida just kill the abusive husband like she did the cop? and the cop has a come-to-Jesus moment about homosexuality, ironically...

Laertus: Dirg that's why God gave Adam the responsibility of the fruit necking his neck...

Sheriff Dollard: i don't get this Spartacus reference of solidarity. i never saw Spartacus...

Patrick Swayze: and suddenly i become a god. in full of my powers. i become Durga...

Eye: *pounds fists on table* sequel! sequel! a prequel actually. i'd like to explore more of Patrick Swayze's home life, his kid childhood with his rich intolerant WASPy parents and what led him to become a drag queen and escape the hell away from that same white-country colonial-style house from Lucas...

George Clooney: why is everyone looking at me? i don't own that house...

Dirg: this is why the Democrats won. g'night, folks...

Patrick Rafter: g'day...

Boc: why is it that whenever i finish watering there are cobwebs in my head?...

Ryan Seacrest turns him around...

Ryan: you are not a monster. you are not a frankenstein. you are a human being. you are my son.

Boc: i wouldn't mind being a cute '20s dracula...

Ryan: i know who you are, what you have chosen to be. and i know it's cos of me. i honor you, you don't have to lie to me, hide from me. i respect you, your choices, i cherish the arc of your life...

Boc: thanks, pop

Ryan: i am your mother and your father. that's just how it is. the mother and the father, the mom and the dad. it's all love, son, love is love is love...

Ryan: any abuse going on?

Boc: i should ask you that

Ryan: what do you mean?

Boc: it flows both ways, you can always tell me if Simon is bullying you...

Galivant: so how did you like being me for a day?

Pat: it hit different. it hit me not how i was expecting. it was extraordinary. it wasn't me entering your body but still being a man, it wasn't me just putting on women's clothes. it wasn't me just being any gay man or any woman, it was ME BEING YOU!!!

Galivant: and what's the verdict?

Pat: you've got the most magnificent beaver...

Galivant: are you ready for our final journey? the moment that will keep us together forever?...










Monday, January 18, 2021

TMIT: THE ANSWER TO THE SUDOKU WAS SALMON

 



thank you for this, i needed something to do today...

1. when was the last time you tried something new? when i ate the old wad of gum stuck to the roof of the bottom of my bed since i was in 8th Grade. it tasted tropical...

you know you're right, i'm gonna start my life, i'm gonna call my agent.........as soon as i get an agent...

2. whom do you compare yourself to? 

Elon Musk, that's why i'm always depressed.

Elon Musk is best-known for discovering that w starts with a d...

3. what gets you excited about life? sugar. no wait, i read that wrong, cryogenics...

my doctor has a magic pad, he writes ANYTHING on that pad and like magic it appears in a bottle on my doorstep. all i see is the smoke rising into the sky from the chemtrails as the drone flies away. this is how my latest visit went down:

doctor: i haven't seen you here in, like, 27 years...
me: sorry, i got distracted.
doctor: you know once you're dead you're dead. there's no going back from dead, it's just eternal nothingness forever. so i'm prescribing you some sugar to pep up your mood.
me: didn't you say something about gut health?
doctor: the gut doesn't exist. in your body. it's only in your mind. do you have the will to live? i'm prescribing the sugar in bowl form so you don't have to deal with those pesky yellow Splenda packets that are so hard to open you have to open each packet twice...
me: oh thank you doctor!

4. are you satisfied with your work? i just wish i had some salsa, plain pork rinds are hard on the throat. i mean it shouldn't matter if your work is published, right? it should only matter that you took the time to write the thing in the first place...

i know a sublime monologist on the IBM Dating App with a gravelly gravitas voice and i found out today that he had a life before this art he presents. he was a Lutheran doctor who saved baby pigs by rubbing them in a hospital that had no lights. it's weird when you know a person JUST for this one aspect of their life and have no idea who they were before...this one slice of world he shows us...he doesn't have many followers which is a crime, his work should be spread far and wide to the global masses...but you don't hear him complaining...i think he likes that it's private...he can let loose with the nudity...

5. what have people most often praised you for?

my Dutch sneeze. and my mad beats inspired by Fatboy Slim. i'm skinny so i look up to Slim. that i spill my dreams too fast online, my minister doc friend tells me

find that one girl and only tell her your dreams on her DM

so that's exactly what i did. hopefully it worked. wish me luck. *fingers-crossed emoji*

BONUS: when you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

we shoulda built it in the ocean, the fires are coming...

i think of my bed, i've lived my entire life in that bed. i write in that bed. watch tv in that bed. i got married in that bed. took my vows in that bed. my monk vows. and one day when the water rises high enough, to escape the fires this bed will be my boat...






Friday, January 15, 2021

PROGRESSIVE BUT NOT POLITICAL




notes:

* BEFORE WE START let me just say that THIS episode just might be their best ever...

* but it's again one of those brain-jarring nebulous concepts on which to base an episode

* wait, did video games cause the alt-right?...

* if Spongebob were Mario...

* that's how Snow White really died, the kitchen sink was left running...

* when the pears grow eyes you know they are ripe...real eyes that blink and have eyelids...

* pears don't want progress, they voted for Newt Gingrich

* progress goes down better with brown sugar...

* blink and you'll miss it! the woman bodybuilders have three tits! this is the competition on Total Recall Mars! don't look at their bulging biceps, don't look at their arms!!!

* lot of symbolism on that grill with those roasted hot dogs...

* fat hairy bald guys get all the luck.
Carl from Aqua Teen: fat hairy bald guys with their third eye in their belly...

* see what happens when California stays blue forever!!!...

* Batman Adam West was hiding a walkie-talkie under his cowl...

* if you have one eye, you don't have to wear a mask...

* Rod Serling: this was a rejected Twilight Zone script of mine, the CA casting-agent notes said

too sunny for this show

* well obviously i haven't considered giving up...

* i'm more interested in my y...

* my ex is Bill Gates...

* as always, now i want more Regular Show...

* doesn't count if you wash your body, you have to wash your hands

* don't look now, rabbit, but the moon is looking at you...

* Dave Mirra: NO FEAR? i hated the world...

* THEY WERE JUST BUNNY SLIPPERS!!! THEY DIDN'T MEAN I LIKED YOU!!!

* rabbit 1: hey man, any room at the inn?
rabbit 2: see my binkie? see my pacifier? that's my toe. there are no safe spaces in life.
rabbit 1: fine but have you seen Kurt Cobain swimming around in here?...

* playing "White Rabbit" in a filled tub...

* this Outdoors World ad brought to you by Movember...Movember, we had to reschedule it cos of the pandemic...

* hunter 1: gills?
hunter 2: no just really mangled ribs...
hunter 1: the baby thinks you're its mother on account of the earring you wear...
hunter 2: this blue green world's not safe for men like us no more...
hunter 1: let us never speak of this again...

* ayyyyy self-care don't mean becoming an incel ayyyyy

* BRING BACK CLAYMATION TO NETWORK TV!!!

* imagine 12 Oz Mouse Roseanne Mike Tyson Mysteries Game of Thrones as a claymation...

* i doubt myself cos i couldn't finish the claymation by deadline and had to use CGI...

* i want to be the ocean.
Billy: you can't...

* how the ocean algae regenerated without human help...

* so that's where my Furby went

* see? Off The Air is global! it's mr. worldwide! British and Denmark!!!

* chap: BBC said i'd get banned if i said bloke
girl: is that a computer chip in a real dog?
chap: no that's a computer chip in a real dog lice

* not a suicide, just a kinky bath

* smart means liberal. Broadway's back, baby! WE FINALLY FOUND DON-KNOTTS-FISH! Lady Gaga was an elf this whole time. the Avatar 3 trailer is lit. the hottest anime tits are no anime tits

* the last Blockbuster closed due to blockbusting

* you fed the ducks and they became fish

* Jon Cryer's rejected Klingon audition...

* note the graphics, early premise for Mortal Kombat...

* man: will you marry me? here's the ring. it's my penis ring.
woman: this is my vagina ring.
man: that's just a rubberband.

* Patrick Lavender, what happened to you? Cindy Lorenz, i still hold out hope for that date at Islands at the mall to talk about the time you bumped into Richard Jeni...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: no fast food this week

not cos of the Lockdown, got too much leftover pizza, got 3 large orange Little Caesars boxes in my bed.

all i want is Brady vs. Rodgers in the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau snowing the ENTIRE game for the NFC Championship... 

 
 



Wednesday, January 13, 2021

PROPER PAT: PRINCE WARNED US ABOUT ALL THIS





Pat: how do i know if any of this is real?

Cotard: it's tricky. but as long as you're watching tv it should be fine. tv is warm and comfy and hygge in the mind, that Jedi blue glow.

Codrus: yeah now consider this: Heaven. how do you know it's really Heaven? what if it's a hologram? how would you ever determine it WASN'T a hologram?...

Cotard: your happiness in life is determined by what you do in your spare time...

Galivant: Pat your answer to that question will determine your next step. in progress and evolution. and in our trip. what a trip it's been. i'm watching old VHS tapes of when i was ranked on the WTA Tour. back then we were sponsored by cigarettes...

Pat: have you kept your winnings?

Galivant: yes but we had to cede half our earnings to the tobacco companies... 

Federer: i started smoking as a way to deny reality, that i was forced into retirement...i still had like 5 good years left...

Dirg: how it feels to chew 5 Gum...

Galivant: i'll return in a bit, gotta make some road money for us if we are to continue. i'll be playing exhibitions on world bridges, can't really see the tennis ball when it's against the backdrop of the shimmering sea...

Pat: i can't go anywhere. with this Lockdown England has become an Island once more. cut off from the world. Brexit still works unfortunately. i'll never know what Spanish salmon tastes like. 

Nadal: it's not that good...

Pat: all i can do is watch tv...

Galivant jumps over a spraypaint-red 28 Days Later checkpoint gate with goblin cops following her as she jumps in the ocean off white Dover cliffs...

goblin cops: all that limestone on the Cliffs is goblin cum, we had one too many cocktails...

Galivant: good thing i was a triathlete...back when the Olympics nurtured tennis...

Madame Pons: girl how you maintain that luxurious silky glistening hair during the harsh brittle winters?...

Mardith: i don't shampoo it...

Michael Weiss watching Family Guy: Instagram is just adding to the instant-gratification culture. it's too fast. it's creating the videodrome too quickly.

Dirg: Videodrome was the first deepfake...

Tyzik: for the record, a drome is a circus, has nothing to do with Amazon...

Bald Bezos: think again...

Doryce in the bus: sex sit...

Madame Pons: dry slap.........my bass...

Mardith carries the quantum container of magnesium soak on her back into LUSH...

Mardith: bring back butt-on-sink pics?

Madame Pons: i'm wearing my Auntifa shirt...

Eye Luggage: there are no male Weeping Angels!!!...

Laertus; i am so proud of Ralph Macchio. i honestly thought when i saw him in that Outer Limits episode that would be the last time the world saw him...

Takahashi: that's a gi, not Charlie Brown...

Madame Pons: i'm conscious of taking this selfie. i'm conscious of my sink butt.

Mardith: relax, girl, no one can have the sink butt Melissa Maker has...

Laertus: i always forget, the Donner Party thing happened here in California, i always thought it happened in West Virginia or something...

Michael J Fox: i'm lovin it......the new Burger King logo...

McLovin: ohhhhh, NOW i get my name!...

Laertus: red Solo cups were the red Bump hats all those years ago before anyone knew...

Papa Roach: my weakness is i care too much...

Mardith: why is everyone 

crying right now

on Instagram? it's depressing, it makes me sad...

Dirg: but can you still cum? i wrote

please ignore me

on my Instagram heading...it was counterintuitive, i wanted them to think me clever, but they ACTUALLY ignored me...

Laertus: too cool to be bothered, above it all, but it's lonely at the top cloud with Kid Icarus your only friend...

Dirg changes his profile to

the only reality is beautiful women

Dirg changes his profile to

sorry bout that one time, i was on drugs...

Gladyce, making the peace sign: i have to take 2 Vanquish for lunch to counteract the effects of the 2 Vanquish i take for breakfast...

Ava Reid becomes the Wolf in Call of Duty, quadruple-agent to kill Nazis...

Madame Pons doing her novena ablutions at the back of LUSH on her knees in a bath of grey soapy water: thankful for whoever stayed...

Barba: why didn't they just name the episode "Barba"?...

Mardith: i evenly space apart my Cokes on my dresser. it makes a clang sound like sacred windchimes hanging on a big undecorated Christmas tree in the wild swaying with the wind marking the death of an unknown husband by a freak solo boating accident at Obec Cove...

everyone bows their head closes their eyes to their box bows and prays...

Mardith: people are matching now based on zodiac signs but isn't that just another form of matching based on religion?...

Madame Pons: i'm watching football now. that kicker has a nice penis bump...

Boc: i'm seriously considering trading in my boots for some Bobux...

Doryce: i've never eaten with a small fork before...

Doryce: you know The Store just uses the Ninja Foodi to cook the krinkle fries in its deli...

Dirg: why were all the Instagram babes born in January?...

Cecily Strong: to keep myself sane in quarantine i'm watching all the old SNLs that were considered horrible and the worst from the 1980-81 season...they weren't half-bad! there's some good writing in here! see they don't do this anymore on our show, the last skit of my generation that ended on a melancholy note was that Lady Gaga skit of her as an aging star in a Manhattan winged co-op apartment.

Eye Luggage: and what's with all the live animals on set that year! you had a real-life monkey, two of em! and a live cat and a live snake...oh i hate abusing animals for the sake of show biz!

Spalding: right?

cat familiars: Bill Murray was cool but his hands were cold...

Dirg: i actually liked the show back then, it had an edge, they got away with stuff they'd NEVER do now. Eddie said porchmonkey and it wasn't bleeped, to make a point. shooting a black man with a smoke prop to make fun of dumb white red gunowner families... 

Rubikon: all those skits were the elite coastal New Yorkers making fun of heartland hicks working for the arms industry with exaggerated non-Midwest accents...I'M LOVIN IT!!!

Joe Piscopo: you may hate me, but you can't deny i was a GREAT impressionist. not just racist Frank Sinatra, Dan Rather, too! the whole Jap vs. US car industry thing was YUGE back then...

Mr. Limpet-Don Knotts-fish: did you see the periscope or is that just my glasses? a limpet is a clingy clam that can stick to nuclear warheads...

Charles Rocket: i missed the brilliant line when i took Charlene Tilton on her first grimy subway ride in NYC. 

Charlene Tilton: that would have rocketed you to fame instead of that other thing. when i'm forced to clean off the graffiti i wrote I LOVE CHARLIE ROCKET in red on the subway door, you should have said...

Charlie: i know, 

i guess Charlene Tilton doesn't love me anymore...

Charlene Tilton: that would have garnered you sympathy from the audience...might have helped you later in life...i'm still in shock, Charlie, i'll never get over it...

Charlie: but are you over me? your love would have saved me, tilted me back to life. the greatest moment of my life is when i'm in that wheelchair and you're doting over me at the Goodnights, right BEFORE...

Cecily: you two fucked that week tho, right?

Charlene and Charlie: oh yes of course, on the outdoor ice rink during the afternoon. we were perfect for each other, we both had CHARL in our names for the charcoal that sparked our hot sex! this was the last year before AIDS, there was still casual sex......Insatiable was still playing in respected theatres for gosh sake! 

Dirg: ah, the last year of porn chic...tear in my eye...those cushion seats my dad keeps on about...

Rubikon: WHOA! joining the Bald Brotherhood?

Jeff Bezos: call me Bald Bezos. no, i was a monk before my earnings, hence the bald head...

Cotard: knew it. knew there was some good in you...

Codrus: oh this is delicious! now the world will listen to anything this catechism conglomocorporation clown has to say...

The Pope: can i get some pub? i'm a hot girl but it's still religion. i fitted the entire Vatican with safe spaces for K-12 getting bullied but wanting wifi...

Gladyce: did you get your jab, dear?

Doryce: no, the last Gevalia at Walgreens On The Hill...

Sheamus at the Capitol: don't taze me. i know what you're thinking, take a good look at me, feast your eyes, your 5 senses.........but i will be voting to impeach President Bump...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Dirg: if only Linda Evans had given Herve Villechaize that Yanni CD, she might have saved his little life...

Spalding Gray: i always get David Cronenberg and David Lynch confused...

crones: love that David's last name!!

Eye: Videodrome and go...brought to you by Amazon drones...as in Amazon drones brought this VHS copy of the film to us...

Tyzik: drome is actually a circus where no cocaine is served...

Laertus: BEFOE WE START!!! let it be known i'm watching this under protest. i'm watching this FOR DEBBIE HARRY, NOT FOR JAMES WOODS!!!

Mardith: shame, too. James Woods was a good actor when he was young, he had that certain smarm to him...

Dirg: ..that i try to emulate everyday...

Laertus: practice in the woods...

Eye: i mean this couldn't be more relevant to our times today! i wonder if David Cronenberg imagined this would be NOW what it was back in the glorious '80s...why wonder, he's here with us!!!...

David: well it is about the future so i knew it would comment on the future.........but nobody thought things would get THIS bad in real life!!!...

Mulder and Scully: or this predictive...

Takahashi: reality is simply the filter of tv which is the mind's retina, brilliant...

Prince: battlefield of the mind, tv, the internet, the final frontier...

Prince: would you mind pushing the penthouse-suite button for me there, dear? you're a doll...

Germane in the elevator: no prob, boss......Prince, my purple mob boss... 

Laertus: i love the setting here, the atmosphere is so dingy and grimy, so intimately claustrophobically Canadian, so early X-Files...

Eye: this film was the first cyberpunk!!!

Cronenberg: *with Cronenberg chuckle* that's funny. back then the critics called it cheap but now it's cyberpunk cool...

Takahashi: that Hitachi camera you used, that is SO blissingly retro! so '70s-vibe with the browns and the creams! so rainbow, so ahead of its time, so tolerant...

Eye: we're playing the Videodrome soundtrack in the background as we welcome in to the podcast booth Ms. Debbie Harry!!!

Debbie: so how'd i do? my first major film. 

Dirg: burn your other tit with this cigarette, doll, i'm trying to quit...

Debbie: being naked with icky James Woods was wretched, but i was steeled for this encounter by doing SNL a few years earlier...i lost all nervousness and gained resolve to get through it...

Laertus: you were prepared, like the Girl Boy Scouts say. you know i wish this film had done one extra thing: expand your scene when you were the phone-in radio DJ psychiatrist.

Spalding Gray: right?! i wanted to hear the sob stories of your caller patients.

Dirg: you were Female Frasier!!!

Eye: no, you were the First Frasier!!!

Laertus: more callers, more collars, more of your behind-the-scene work life and your private life at home. yeah there was just something about you in that headband and purple leotards in the center of a circular desk listening to people's sobering problems in this dark world. with heavy headphones on your ears under your headband like a DJ. it really did portend the future with Oprah and Donahue...

Laertus: Sonja Smits, brilliant seamless natural actress, the Canadian Gillian Anderson...

Dirg: Jimmy must be proud...

Eye: oh LYNNE GORMAN! the irreplaceable priceless Lynne Gorman!!! the grand dame of Canadian cinema! she's the Alice Horton of Canada!

Dirg: and it starts...and i wouldn't mind Meghan Markle coming on a videoscreen and reminding me each day to wake up and it's not a dream...

Eye: Republicans always take the skeezy roles...

Dirg: i wouldn't mind the nice breezy Japanese softcore porn, it's nice. it's classy. there's still a dildo the geisha girl slips her butt over to form a pole...

Weird Al: this is just UHF, what's the harm?...

Laertus: you hit on something here, Mr. David C, you saw the future of pornography and violence in small compressed capsules and bytes bypassed easily and packaged for private home viewing...

Dirg:...in short, the collapse of society...

Dirg: and it's political. it's ALWAYS political in the end.

Eye: hey Laertus, we had dinner at that very Spanish Indian fingercymbals restaurant! that exact upstairs table, too! i recognize that '80s shag-carpet spiral staircase. i recognize that adobe wall!

Laertus: me, too! we had tortillas and luchi for lunch that afternoon...

Pons: tv therapy in cardboard cubicles? now THAT therapy i can get down with!

Laertus: see, Dirg? the homeless were the ones who invented binge marathon watch sessions.

Eye: you look like a pervert...not cos you're wearing that trenchcoat...

Richard Nixon: it's all in the tapes...library...

Bump: the tapes? oh yes i know...

Dirg: see? he's right! only wear that red dress if you wanna get fucked! without tv there'd be an armed insurrection every day! can i please find a girlfriend like this who likes to "try things"...

Debbie Harry: taken. 

Dirg: ...where i can pierce her ears for her for the first time as a woman and she wants that and that's a good thing?...

Debbie: i worked at Sunglass Hut in the mall before the band's big break...

Eye: i got my ears pierced as a little girl kid at the mall...

Arnold S: it was not a TOOMAH!...

David: it was a tumor, caused by tv airwaves becoming brainwaves. but tumor is just a fancy word for imagination...

Dirg: the undulating videotapes and tv set, i experienced that at Blockbuster---once again i'm sorry for ever going into a Blockbuster---i wasn't stoned, it was the content, i'm never going to Blockbuster again!...

Spalding: both Davids sure are into body horror aren't they...

Laertus: unique twist on the transmogrification. the gun coming out of the snowy screen, actually BECOMING the gun, the gun becomes PART of the arm becoming a melty hybrid alien arm...

Modern English: we thought melty was M&Ms not aliens...

McLuhan: this movie is fake news!!! it's not about me at all!!!...

Dirg: and now the front of the Resistance is a Sunglass Hut at the mall, keep your voice down, and he's being fitted with the Spaceballs Darth Vader helmet...

Dirg: he's right, America has been getting soft since Lincoln...

Laertus: decadence is not the same as cultural decay...

Dirg: Debbie Harry's 1984 lips are irresistible. but actually i wouldn't mind if Masha in my bed WASN'T a hallucination...she's a gilf...

Laertus: omg your manly strong James Woods trying to whip that whip, pathetic soft hand, no strength at all!!!

Doryce: is that a slit in his stomach? or is he just hungry?...

Arnold: don't do that unless you're using a Conan sword...

Dirg: he killed those guys so hard they turned into confetti!!!

Debbie Harry: i didn't die on that tiny screen...well a little bit, a little death, i like getting whipped so much the homegrown terrorists couldn't kill me with the whip...

President Bump: LONG LIVE THE NEW FLESH!!! that's me, i'm the new Jesus, i just have to suicide to prove it...

Gorton Fisherman: give me back my boat!

Cronenberg: so as you see, we ended with the suicide. we had an alternate ending in which James Woods is reunited with Debbie Harry in some sort of gauzy tv afterlife but with me being an atheist i didn't want to give the viewers any hope of an afterlife that will save us all. we all die and there is no God, it's at THAT point that things become interesting, i ask myself

okay, if those two things are true, now what? what do we as humans do about this?...

Laertus: wow, amazing thinking. you know, i've been hanging out with Dirg too much and was starting to get his Christian cheese shavings on my back, but you've just swung me back to the nihilist side again...

Cotard: who knows? you could get uploaded to a wire in the sky...

Dirg: let's end by everyone closing their eyes getting in a circle and saying a prayer for the latest Malaysia plane to go down...and of course because we watched this and it's bad luck the Pittsburgh Steelers lost and wasted their season...g'night, folks...

Debbie Harry: i really branded myself with this film...

Pat: can i eat your fish?...

Mardith: cooking in the Ninja Foodi, give it another 400 minutes at 400 degrees...

Pat: in this Lockdown which will never end, my mind has played tricks on me. i see things on the walls, not just spaghetti. ghosts. gingers. London Grammar. Gevalia Gardens in Greenwich. 

Galivant on the tv screen: so how do you know you're inside anything real?

Pat: we'll never know. that's scary. reality to us is only as good as our human perception of reality takes us. who knows what reality REALLY looks like. but there's something else among humans: trust. and i trust my dad. my dad videotaped me all though K-12 when i was working my way up the tennis and track line going from regional to regional to high-school to intramural to eventually Princeton Tennis which is only played indoors. i trust my dad implicitly. so since he used the same Hitachi '80s videocamera used to make Videodrome, THAT is the reality i trust...

Galivant: i'll accept that. reality is but a form of love, and love is born and borne out of springs of Water from trust. but we gotta work on your pronouns, you're using the HE too much. did you trust your dad only cos he was a man? would you have trusted your mom in the same way?...










Monday, January 11, 2021

TMIT: CANTALOUPE CASSEROLE!!!





love this pic, it's like an episode of Off The Air...

1. first question relates to the photo above, what is it?...

CANTALOUPE CASSEROLE!!!

other contenders:
* prefab Juicy Fruit gum 
* orange sherbet...or sherbert...
* Orange Julius from the '80s that still tastes foamy and good
* watermelon sugar
* my brain after getting fitted for a cyberbrain...

2. should we be signaling our existence to alien life? why?

of course. remember, the aliens think WE are the aliens. don't you want Alice Little to finally win her lawsuit and become the first Female President of the United States?

3. what is one thing you do not understand about yourself?

i just cannot bring my brain around to solve this: i mean, you lose either way, right? if you die, you die. but if you live forever, that's another form of death...

4. what weird food combinations do you really enjoy?

duck a la banana. thank you, Four Weddings and a Funeral, you made me cry. why the hell isn't John Hannah what Hugh Grant is today? John's the WAY better actor. John Hannah could've at least gotten to play one of the Doctor Whos...

5. what are two of your go-to strategies to help make big decisions?

hookers and blow

BONUS: how replaceable are you?

i've been doing this for 20 years and not one person has noticed me...




 


Friday, January 8, 2021

SHOULDN'T THIS HAVE BEEN EPISODE 1?



notes:

* it is Off The Air, if this isn't dreams i don't know what is

* i just noticed something: whenever i do these Friday Night Writes, i'm always surrounded by a huge swirling audiodrome of noise all around me. the cracked walls in my cabin literally shake. i thought it was from my hard typing but it's actually from everyone in the city, and neighboring Sunside Village, all racing in their various vehicles to get the FUCK outta Dodge. out of the confines of the industrial sector off work and into a mountain stream uphill, everyone is ready for the weekend AT 4!!!

* Russian girl, big tits, questionable age, Putin was elected to put a stop to this...

* this is actually Emilia Clarke. it's been ROUGH since they did her dirty on Game of Thrones...

* The Grammys did The Weeknd dirty, but at least he won for this song and dance...

* don't be scared, girl, it's just Halloween at Knott's Berry Farm...

* see, nothing to be afraid of, all that smoke you saw rise over the hills was smoke-machine smoke for the alien disco. all those strange lights were the tricolor disco-ball lights

* Jedi have to be good dancers to survive...

* Martina Hingis on car cam: so since the sport of tennis dried up...

* if you look at the hieroglyphics very closely, they predict their empire would be felled by twerking butts...yeah see that's not a harvest peach on the wall...

* remember, the aliens think WE are the aliens...

* my CVV number is 000

* how X-Files should have ended...

* eye soup, tastes surprisingly good. as long as you don't look at it...

* what's McDonald's new revamp logo gonna be? the Yellow W Wario?...

* The Pirates of Dark Water, come on, guys, just finish those remaining episodes...

* it's that early MTV cartoon about the dude at the shrink office with the ginormous head, cept it's a hand on his head

* that one time they made Cheetara a man...

* Videodrome knife wound slit down the middle split down the middle of the stomach...

* blue sit-up guy: when's Ballmasterz coming back...

* map of the new United States...

* that thing where you eat from a woman's naked body...it's more accepted in elf culture...

* okay THANK YOU THANK YOU FINALLY a cartoon character who's actually wearing a mask!!!

* covid coquito on the radio...

* it's true, celebrities have it the easiest...

* that squirt and windshield-wipe always comes at the worst time...

* son: i touched my nose!
mom: it's okay, you have two noses

* bearded Barba leaning on the NYPD Safety Zone blinking sign: people didn't watch the episode for me, they watched it for Jennifer Esposito...

* and this is why Camus thought boxing was inhuman...

* OLMEC'S BACK!!!

* Snuffy from Sesame Street did NOT fare well during the pandemic...

* the Thanksgiving turkey's mad and it ain't gonna take it no more. it's so angry it's phlegmatic, ALL PHLEGM!!!

* how Power Rangers should be

* once again, Jean-Claude Van Damme's got nice legs...

* Sully, delayed reaction, finally goes mad...

* Snoop Dogg, for the parody only one g in Dog

* girls, run, we're in a Robert Crumb cartoon!!!

* Bad Human=oxymoron?

* Tofu Chan: remember anime dogs? remember a time when tofu was considered good?...

* Kubrick: give me a bone to work with, dog.
Tofu Chan: fractals...
John Green: turtles?
Tofu Chan: no, bread...

* Tofu Chan: the bread looks split in half at the top because fractals. yes, i am voiced by that French comedian...

* see? bald fat white dudes can be gentle.
Mr. Clean: i just wanted to clean the world...

* cats in pajamas taken to the next logical step...

* moral of the story: dreams are not the same as getting stoned...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: ain't got time for bird sex! ain't got time for bird food! i need a MEAL FOR THE MOUTH!!! a feast. i need ALL THE FOOTBALL to distract me from the world burning down. i'm going to Wario's for some party nachos with beefs and jalapenos...