Gladyce: 3 minutes on high for the Stouffer's, THREE minutes...
Mardith: Naked Athena! finally revealed!
Madame Pons: see? she's a beautiful brave sex worker. helping her fellow man. with woman. helping her greater Portland community...
Dirg: ohhhhhhh, so THAT's why Portland is always so chill...
Laertus: they could never touch my Eye! she'd just bat back those rubber bullets with her hammer!
Pons: i could never compete.
Mardith: aw don't feel sore, you're never too old for sex.
Dr. Vacc: too right. that's the number-one complaint from my patients lately.
Mardith takes out her chastity cage from her Catholic-schoolgirl plaid green dress pocket.
Dirg: oh god that is ghastly. THIS is what women's lib has wrought! unseemly! a fucking chastity belt for cocks!!!
Madame Pons is overcome wth embarrassment, showing beet-red on her cheeks.
Madame Pons: oh my i think i'm getting the blushing vapors! i guess i'm older than i thought i was! IS THAT METAL!!!?
Eye Luggage: *making the metal-music devil's-horns with her fingers* damn straight it's metal!
Pons: YOU GAVE THIS TO HER!!!
Vacc: *making the Neil deGrasse Tyson hands* no it wasn't me, i swear! i'm one of the few unique members of society who won't lie to you during this critical time. in fact i was gonna play psychologist without a degree and offer that it's not so much sex my patients seek but companionship from the two-year touchless loneliness...
Laertus: not all touchless is good.
Vacc: how's it going with you and your special secret fellow?
Mardith: still haven't cultivated, culled, and curated the perfect words for him.
Vacc: *striking his stroked chin* how about...instead of i want to fuck you...just say to him:
i want you
Mardith: simple. yet severe! you're a genius, doctor! oh god that sounds so Companiony, i'm trying to avoid that in my life.
Vacc: glad to help. never thought i'd have such a conversation with a girl in my life...…...never trained to be a pediatrician...
Gladyce: here you go dear, the eyebright you summoned for. forgot if it was for your practice or you wanted practice. word of caution: side effects: loss of hearing...
Vacc: what? joke. hair in my ears. don't worry, i'll be Mister Rogers with a blind girl over fish...
Vacc hands the crones a silver brasier full of water...
Vacc: it's a portable fireplace on legs!!!
Dirg: i thought you were black. on account of all the fist emojis you use on your Instagram.
Boc: no, i just really believe in the cause...
Dirg: good, Demi Lovato, phew, it was just a phase...
Vacc: and the Naked Neck transylvanian chickens you ordered...
Doryce: thank you, dear, put them by the apples. watch out, that first feather in your mouth is a doozy! i'll keep them company. all the KFCs have closed...
Vacc: WHAT!!?
Doryce: no, they're gonna be our new familiars. pets, since we can't go out anymore. i wanted Javanese bantams but these'll do.
Dirg: i'll never forgive Bantam Books in NYC, they rejected my first draft, said it was too sexy...
Pat: AFFOGATO FOR THE HOUSE!!!
gato familiars: nice.
the cat familiars enter the Obec Animal Dermatology office hidden in a treehouse in the woods...through the front door...
Ghislaine Maxwell arrives inside a taped-up beige Wayfair box on the surface of Mars...
President Bump: this country, it's too divided. i mean everywhere you look it's Red States vs. Yellow States.
Bump gets the vaccine live on-air from the Ovaltine Office. a witch priestess not affiliated with the crones or the Old Country punctures him with the stick, right in the vein.
Bump: miracle drug.
Bump on his way over there saw a big pile of his dirty dingy brown laundry on his lawmaking desk with the lawnmower in back. when he returns after the shot all the laundry is white...
Doryce: how are you liking this week's candy, dear?
Gladyce: lovely form my lovely. but a bit weird. not as tender as last week. it's, like, gummi worms? but they're crunchy on the inside. strange. they don't taste like you should be eating them. sucking them maybe...
Gladyce: The Store tricked me this week. i was all set to get the Wishbone Italian dressing for my saladless salad, then at the last minute i saw that Herb dressing and got that instead...
Dirg: preach, sista, i know how that be.
Doryce: i thought i craved the spotlight. but it's different when you fall in the middle of the street and EVERY citizen in Obec gets off their bikes and cars and races to the scene looking at me with their beady little eyes as if I caused you to be convalescent. they brandish their thumbs-ups and wait for me to thumbs-up that they can't see or they won't leave...when did our place grow a conscience and a pair?, i thought it was all about staying away...
Gladyce: you gotta wash your hands with soap...then you gotta wash your washed hands with gel cos you washed your hands so much they and you cracked...
Dirg: Los Banos sounds like bathroom...
Cotard: why, Five Guys? why the small cups with the overflowing fries?...
Laertus: THANK YOU, Yahoo News. finally! please NEVER go back to comments again! perusing and browsing a much more quieter place now, a more pleasant experience. here's to a more peaceful more silent world...
Cotard: i love it...
Doryce: every time we go out, you and me, G, to a Mexican restaurant i finish the entire two bowls of overflowing tortilla chips and overflowing green-with-orange-flecks salsa and am full by the time the first steaming platter is served!...
Dirg: i'm trash. nobody on Instagram has sent me a drawing of me by them...
Madeline Brandt: which way to the Orchid Girls?...
Dirg: oh, down the stairs, up the stairs, down the hallway, up the hallway, till you reach a corner you can never come back from...
Madeline: as i unlearn i plan to do a lot of crawling...but never any groveling...
Laertus: me, too, baby steps.
Eye: atta girl, you're more than a brand.
unnamed black woman: RENT'S DUE, GUYS!!! HEY YOU GUYS!!!
Germane: don't worry, i accept Pepcoin. it's like bitcoin, right?
Doryce: did you get the fire snails i sent you for, boy?
Dirg: YOU TOLD ME TO EAT THEM!!!
Dirg: and no more of those "let's collab" comments on Instagram, we all know what that is!...
Dirg: i haven't made it till i have one of those huge stone walk-in showers with the rainfall showerhead and the pictures on all four walls of Frank Sinatra Through The Years hung on the tile...
Gladyce: oh bother! what's the point of drinking healthy smoothies if you have to baking-soda your stained teeth for it?
Cotard: i should try out for that History Channel show Alone and win a million dollars!!!...…...for the Church of course...
Gladyce: dear have you checked our bathroom counter? it's full of all manner of brown rub marks.
Doryce: i'm too lazy to clean it this week, dear. besides, those rub stains add character to the piece. blame it on the covidcane. imma die-easy germaphobe.
Pons: i'm a mess.and i'm messy. take me or leave me...but i'm the one paying the Treehouse deed...
Laertus: OMG that Ricardo from the Amazon commercial is totes adorbs! the sign-languager. he signs so hard you can feel the words coming out of his fingers like electric strings! they have more of an impact than if he spoke them.
Dirg: Amazon invented ball lightning but we won't get into that this week...
Laertus: the Budweiser can crown-shaped tab, bril!
Eye: i mean you gotta give it up for Joe Namath, that was a LOOOOOONGGGGG speech for that insurance he spouted off, and Ol' Joe wasn't spitefully looking at a teleprompter, that was by rote memory, that's pretty good, Joe, he didn't struggle. he should be an actor!
Dirg: yeah that was quite the performance he gave out there on that field, what an overexaggerated death scene on that leg bit of his.
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: i'm assuming everybody here round this table had their first girlfriend at sixth grade?...
Eye raises her hand.
Tyzik: the more i think about it...An Unmarried Woman...i mean what exactly did this dude do? the husband just...on a whim leaves his happy life for a chance encounter that, surprise, doesn't work out...he honestly thought he had found love elsewhere...wasn't even close...lives destroyed for nothing...…...pardon my out-there face......oh sorry, uh, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard...
Dirg: SEE? all women crave the drama!
Eye: either way Amber wins, we have to start taking her seriously as an actress...
Laertus: but i mean she did not fake those abuse photos.
Dirg: good makeup job, it's Hollywood, man, you're right in the thick of it!
Tyzik: Mike Tyson Mysteries is over. and i know why. Mike Tyson decided to box again...what the fuck is he thinking? you coulda been in a cushy soundproof booth the rest of your life, Mike!...
Rubikon: freedom is the ability to wrestle a shark in open waters...…...shark here being a metaphor for one's demons...
Tyzik: 12 Oz Mouse...
Laertus: 12 Oz Mouse surrealist storytelling, the best storytelling...
Eye: 12 Oz Mouse is my muse.
Tyzik: kickass rad theme end song. i honestly thought the first week it was Mary Spender on vocals. but it's Amaranthe. the end song sounds exactly like the Offspring's "Bad Habit", anybody else?...
Eye: Vanilla Sky and go...
Dirg: otherwise known as a meditation on Scientology, i mean you can't escape it when Tom's involved.
Laertus: yeah and you know i just realized now why Jason Lee is in this. no coincidence, those two are buddybuddies. i'm sure those two have sat next to each other in the pew on a nice sunny Scientology Sunday service.
Dirg: that cult is scary. they're blond lizards who eat three-meat pizza. save the children!
Eye: i never got the secrecy. there are already countless books out in the world explaining how sucky the religion is, just like any other religion, Catholicism to single out. no matter what library you worship in, we're all underneath the same piece of blue sky. why not let everything out in the open, let it all be audited, they'd be a more badass cult if they showed themselves. sorry, i fawn over cults, always wanted to be in a gnostic hermitage. what's with the internal mafia stuff and the outcasting of people as suppressives? suppressive people?, that's just what the world is, man! GO GOTH WITH IT, SCIENTOLOGY!!! let it all hang out, baby!
Laertus: think of Scientology like......the Coke formula...
Dirg: suppressive leads to depressive, and before you know it you need to take suppositories like me. wait, what's the vanilla tho? is that Monet painting vanilla? i mean kinda. i know what's vanilla, the inside roof of the Scientology building!
Dirg: i swallowed your cum, that means something! greatest line in cinematic history.
Eye: nah, it's when Cameron Crowe directs Steven Spielberg to say happy birthday, you son of a bitch. so many levels to that, i mean imagine the energy on set that day. Cameron always has that feather in his cap, he can always say HE wore the director cone that day while Spielberg didn't.
Laertus: was disappointed. i thought this was an original script from Cameron, that would have been something! learned later it was an adaptation of a Spanish film.
Dirg: and let's face it, without the Spanish film Penelope Cruz wouldn't have been in either! this was her big break, right? i get it, she's hot, but i can't understand a WORD she says! i mean her mouth is kinda weird...fishy, but she does NOT look like a moth!
Eye: Cameron Diaz with the rave reviews for her performance as a sexcrazed loony. gotta empower women as best you can in every age.
Dirg: that crazy cravey performance was all fueled by martinis. sad martinis. what became of rock n roll? a smashed guitar under glass, boy if only the girl knew. now we have buttons and cake...
Laertus: love the old movie posters. Breathless...starring Kristen Stewart. this is NOT a film for someone with a fear of heights! open your eyes, remember that, it'll come back later.
Dirg: that mask tho. Tom looks like Phantom of the Opera's Michael Myers of the CW teen set. is it wrong to say i found Tom Cruise more handsome WITH the mask? and overacting hammily as he do. Tom, we get it, MASK! give this man a couch. i STILL say Kurt Russell is the best actor in this.
Eye: he doesn't get enough credit, ever since he did that Soldier thing where he had no lines so people think he can't act.
Laertus: all honesty, this thing stumbles the first 30 minutes or so, the writing and line-delivery is not crisp. but it hammers you over the head with the sci-fi stuff in the end so it's worth the wait.
Dirg: whenever someone begins a conversation with do you believe in God?, run. or jump out.
Laertus: this is a fitting tribute to 9/11. remember, this opened JUST at the 9/11 times, so that scene in the beginning with a completely cleared-out abandoned soulless Times Square was especially poignant. of course NOW it means something different...
Dirg: the playboy lifestyle is dead, Clooney got married. and there's that British guy with the Dutch barge! Seven Dwarves cos it's owned by Disney, like Tom Cruise and Scientology are...
Laertus: L Ron was a great singer, i have all his Stairway to Rainbow albums. legend has it he audited Sterling Holloway himself who had dyslexia. imagine we almost lost that glorious voice! the real Scientology Cave is buried in the Disneyland desert, the seven dwarves are Xenu's fingers.
Jada: Freud wrote Dianetics first, but like Dr. Seuss, they thought it was children's coloring book...
Michael Stipe: you mean Dr. Zeus. i still can't understand math...
Dirg: you'll never know the exquisite pain of being the bro who goes home alone. and eats out of two paint cans. a guileless New Yorker? that's FAKE NEWS!!!
Laertus: that club scene brought with it bad memories for me. it's effective that wearing of the mask behind your head so it looks like your face is in back of you. that's what humans will evolve into.
Dirg: but what happens to the face in front of your face?
Laertus: no, two heads. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO POOR TOM CRUISE?!!
Dirg: he's fucking two girls hard at the same time, the lucky bastard! tits, the first maps.
Eye: Tech Support, Noah Taylor? that ain't no Noah Taylor, that's NICK CAVE!!!
Dirg: tech support, that's what all Apple Geniuses are...
Laertus: Conan O'Brien was JAZZED to be in this...till they told him he'd just be doing his usual show segment. was it ever explained who Ellie was?
Dirg: damn, Johnny Galecki used to be cool. Tommy Lee? sorry, dude, nobody faps to Pammy anymore, everyone's first fap was to that Jenny McCarthy TV Guide...
Laertus: kind of a messy explanation pulling everyone out like that, but lucid dreams are messy. YES, Kurt Russell, YOU ARE REAL.
Kierkegaard: do it, David, jump off that bridge.
Eye: scary impossible choice, but such is life. would you rather be in a Heaven where you would have no idea it wasn't real?, the perfect seamless fake virtual-reality blissed-out utopia. or would you always want to know if it were real even if real was nothingness?
Takahashi: VR ain't all it's cracked up to be...
Dirg: i know i'm real. i'm real cos my fucking problems are real...
Laertus: it only takes one second to rearrange your life. one second to commit to changing your life...
Madame Pons: no matter how old you are?
Laertus: we're all looking at you, Dirg...
cat familiars: why would anyone want to be Penelope Cruz when they could be a cat? we see things she can't. like Cheetos dust. like the dangers of Scientology. plus, our afterlife starts the moment we're born...
cat familiars: we already saw it: the two Camerons, Diaz and Crowe. the two Cruzes, Penelope and Tom. we see the connection in all things. g'night, folks...
Eye Luggage: when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise even if you do not.
Eye Luggage looks at Laertus, Laertus looks at Eye Luggage.
Germane in his room: it's working, they're helping themselves now, they don't need me anymore...
