* director to baby: sorry, mate, the Gerber Baby came before you and is probably more famous than you. at least right now.
mother: that was cruel.
director: just preparing the cute little devil for the real world in 2050...
* babies grow up.
the President takes the phone call alone in his room.
meanwhile a black woman is just being born who rolls around in a white faux fur throwback shag carpet...
* when you fall down, get back up. after some animal crackers.
* daughter: mom, what's a swing?
mother: darling let me tell you about how kids used to be. there were these things called playgrounds, green little things, not toxic green. but then The Polluton came and we all had to go inside The Bubble forever. i remember i used to get teased mercilessly for having scraped knees but i didn't care…
daughter: you played in the world? you didn't just interact with it?
mother: Trouble was a board game, not the renamed planet once known as Earth.
* daughter in dad's arms: dad, i have a fever.
dad wipes away sweat from daughter's forehead.
dad: you're soaked!
daughter: yeah, dad, when you're hugging me, can you keep me away from the pan flame when you're cooking?
* daughter: look, ma, no hands!
mother: huh. i was expecting a bike but you fell from a tree...
* acne kid with glasses: this one is for the nerds. i'm here at the beach with this babe and we're sharing a huge blanket. ONE huge blanket. here we go, i'm gonna score...i'm gonna in for the score...
girl: you like eating burritos?
acne kid: i like eating tacos but what has that go to do with anything?
girl: just checking. i'll kiss you on one condition: only if my tongue gets caught on your braces.
acne kid: you know this is the first time i've ever been to the beach...
* man: i love you, cat.
cat: i love you, too.
man tries to get up but his cat is stuck to his head like a headscarf.
cat: i'm attached to you forever, you're a catman now, you said you loved me.
* i can't see! i dropped my contact lens but i can't see where i dropped it!
* Mr. Miyagi: low blow, bro.
karate fighter white: i'm okay. blue fucked up my eye, i'm gonna need stitches, but i'm good to go.
Miyagi: you'll thank your rival in time for what he did to you, believe me. own your crown.
karate fighter blue: it's not my fault, i just did what you taught me, sensei.
Miyagi: *laughing* Cobra Kai, they play dirty, but they are fucking hilarious!
white: how now brown cow
Miyagi: choose a different catchphrase.
* why couldn't you have saved Pedro, God!!?
* i need protection from the sun. is there an SPF for Global Warming?
* look, ma, i'm climbing this mountain! i'm scaling this rockface with no hands! hey, it's better than getting my hands stuck in a hole...
* husband: honey, you're gonna have the baby in this bus!
wife: fuck you! you did this to me! i should have married your brother!
husband: i'm sorry, honey, but i can't help, i have to drive the bus now.
* babies will have babies...hopefully only after they're well-adjusted adults…
* sometimes they go to dark places...
Anna stews in her room in the dark.
Anna's girlfriend at Mykonos: Anna! hug me, you bitch! how are you?
Anna: fine. turns out i was only depressed cos my parents thought me being a carpetmuncher was a sin.
* here at Johnson & Johnson with your grant money we're makin' cyberbrains and...
* female farmer: i had cancer. then i didn't.
Maria LaRosa: bully for you. but that ain't gonna save you from the tornado heading your way right down the path you stand on right fucking now...
* Mark Spitz: hello, America. you know me from all those fucking Olympic gold medals i won in the '70s. people say those golds don't count cos it was the '70s. to which i say to those people fuck you. i was in the best shape of my life back then. but then i tried high-diving cos i was all-man with a hairy chest and thought i could handle it...
* what are the chances you get in a massive car-accident wreck in the hospital parking lot...?
* man on piano: i'm back from stroke. my fingers can move again! too bad i still can't read the sheet music...
* two old men at a gala table: it's cool we're FINALLY getting married. too bad we had to WAIT for America to FINALLY not be homophobic anymore.
two old men: yep yep yep yep yep......we wasted all of our good years for no good reason...
* old couple: it's never too late to find love.
old couple: yeah but don't put us up on the chairs, we'll break our collective hip just joined fused in union in holy matrimony and we just ordered the walk-in tub.
* Charlie Rose in a green shirt holding his grandson.
Charlie: i'm about to die so i'll leave you with this: if you do an interview show, get a set of New York City in the background to distract. never invite any guests, only you, just do monologues like Spalding Gray. okay, one guest: Mike Tyson. DO NOT SHOWER!!! walk-in tub only!
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happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: Toasted Cheddar Chalupa. taste the toast. cos you know me and ridged foods...
hey kids, keep going! play hooky from school more often, that was awesome! i wish i could have done that sort of thing when i was a kid...well then again, maybe not...