Monday, February 24, 2020


1. what time of the day do you feel the most energetic and what do you usually do in those moments?

for years i had a cyst growing out of my back. it was benign, didn't do anything cept talk to me, so we became friends. i dare not cut it off or surgically remove it cos i would lose a friend. i didn't have many friends to start with, i only had my cyst. i felt bad when i slept on my back. then one day the cyst told me it was time and he wanted to go. i said okay. when he left i found a door in my back where the cyst used to live. i opened this door. two Energizer batteries were inside...

gotta have enough energy to masturbate or i don't feel accomplished that day

2. what's the coolest thing about your life? Shaq. when he rings my video doorbell at 3 in the morning and delivers me a box of IcyHot. i've never put IcyHot on my cock, it's for my back batteries i swear...

3. when are you most yourself? online. when i'm avataring. when i'm in a virtual 360 video game, i live in that world 24/7/365, so much so i start to forget that this isn't the real world. what is real anyway? my lucid dreams are more real to me than this world ever has been. i mean it starts to turn into SAO. with the harems and the impossible girl-magnetism i mean. i'll be fine as long as when i meet new people i do so as Phoenix. meaning me fully-decked in my Bird Man costume...

4. would you rather be an ugly genius or a hot moron?

i'd rather be Ben Stein, the coolest nerd who ever lived. some say Elon Musk is ugly. those people have never spent the night with Elon Musk dunking his pillows in Old Spice. i mean look at Hedy Lamarr. not just at her. we wouldn't be here right now without Hedy Lamarr. there wouldn't be blogspot without Hedy Lamarr. or worse, Instagram! we wouldn't be friends right now talking to each other save for Hedy Lamarr. i mean what is Paris Hilton thinking? she is PISSED over what happened to her career. Paris Hilton was Kim Kardashian before Kim Kardashian!!! right now Paris is in Paris putting her raw feelings down on vinyl working on her first New Wave record with producer-friend Billy Corgan...

5. would you abandon your phone, internet, family, amd friends for three months for a prize of one million dollars?

only if i get to marry Richard Hatch at the end. and together we two will reboot Battlestar Galactica a SECOND time...

BONUS: if you could wave a magic wand right now and have your life be perfect, what would that new life look like?

no teeth


Friday, February 21, 2020



* just picture it tho. take five minutes out of your day right now, sit back in your Barcalounger, hold your own beer, close your eyes, and imagine the following:

The Rock running for President...

* man: hey man, wanna join?
other man: me or you? me? nah man, i'm not a joiner...…...but i'm lonely...
man: don't you want to be in a system larger than yourself? doing a job that matters? don't you wanna belong? don't you want to be a part of something special?
other man: what kind of group is this?
man: Facebook group.
other man: oh. um. nah. i mean isn't this the same company that, like, destroyed civilization?

* OMG!!! I'm In The Band is coming back as the latest Disney revival!!!

* union boss: wait, what are we all doing in unison?
union: we're skipping stones!
Kendrick: no, we're practicing our golf swing...
Naruto: get the fuck outta my way, Kendrick, i'm training!

* what's the diference between craft cocktail and cocktail?
Pat Sajak: the chaser of tail...
Culinary Union: a tip.
Phoenix: 15 bucks...

* Moab climbers: this is all camera tricks, none of us know how to climb, this is a HUGE ball of clay in a studio and Playmobil just like the Moon landing.
Mark Zuckerberg: first one over the line gets to ink the first tattoo on my body!

* Starting Strongman group...
Mark: Zeus forbids it...
group: but we were taking vats of water to villages with no roads...

* grandpa, that's not how you play volleyball. smaller balls smaller balls!

* oh man that lawn chair brings back memories, the crisscross rainbow pattern, so Florida, so California

* girlie what are you doing!!? don't tip the rocking chair over your head like that! didn't Sanjay Gupta warn you about the latest internet fad challenge and concussions? damn young people not content with board games anymore...

* Mark: Rockbuggies group?
group: nope. we're actually living like Mad Max. this future is five years away...

* we're that show on The Weather Channel where burly bears lift steel ropes to stand up schoolbuses!

* Mark: ah, the Rocket Science Club, i was your only member in high school.
group: no, the I Don't Want To Live On This Planet Anymore Club

* Alcatraz triathletes are just escaping prisoners

* Rockhounds: crystal meth addicts

* Clonehenge: idea-stealers lazing around on comfortable fort pillows

* Stone Sculptors: V A P O R W A V E V I N Y L E A T E R S

* not shown: Chris Rock beating Sly Stallone the fuck down with one surprise uppercut and his deceptive loose-teeth smile

* Sly: you here for the fight?
Chris Rock: yep, Tyson. the other Tyson. white meat.
Sly: no, the fight of our lives. here to vote.

* Chris Rock: The Rock will make a good President...why do they call you Sly? related to the funk?
Sly: i'm a weird combination where i can't really act yet i'm a brilliant writer.


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Taco Bell will make me like buffalo chicken for the first time in my life...

Wednesday, February 19, 2020


Tyzik: the TV GUIDE Horoscope is back, baby!!!

Cory Booker: so, um, this wasn't because, you didn't make this realization about yourself by being with me, right? what exactly was the trigger event?

Rosario Dawson: oh baby don't worry it's not about you at all! it's just one of those things, you know? naturally organic. organically natural. like college chemistry. like sometimes your tooth chips and you have no idea how that happened as you scan the X-ray cos you've never eaten rock candy in your life...

Megalyn Echikunwoke: i am here on stage at Princeton to say...i am WOKE! *crowd cheers* and i LOVE ecchi! *not even Takahashi cheers*…...and i really need for The 4400 to come back!...i need those aliens to return down to earth and start probing big time!!!...i mean i'm in the minority but i don't think Chris Rock is funny...

Eye Luggage: it's hard for men to be funny, it's forced with them. women do it more naturally cos being a woman and all we have to put up with just to get through the day is ripe for comedy.

Dirg checks out a class. one taught by Barbara Remington, who is as colorful as her scarves. she is in her salad-with-French-dressing days as she was in her spry youth. she wears the garb of the hippie but Dirg has matured……...just a smidge...and can try to overlook that:

Dirg: thank you, ma'am. this is the first time i've addressed a woman as ma'am. you are the only woman i've ever respected on this Tolkien green earth. let me shake your hand, wow, bony, pretend i didn't just say that. you've made me see Tolkien in a different light. i emulate your oil paintings in my new comic i'm doing to try to compete with the new reboot of Locke & Key. you inspire me not to pill it, not to take drugs. i stayed at Hartwood Acres not cos i'm mentally-ill---tho that helped---but purely for research. my idea has it being starred by Key & Peele but Peele has gotten some big tight bloomers on lately and left his friend flapping in the dust by the side of the road. you've made me want to be a better man. you've made me want to shave. you've made me see things. i now know what it's like to take drugs without having to take the actual drugs. far out, man! i mean woman. please, don't speak, don't ruin this moment for me.

Joe Pera: i just got the best text in the whole world! not from a student, from a teacher! Albert Einstein texted me. the thing is tho, it's just Albert saying hi. and then i text him back hi. and then Albert texts back hi. nothing more than hi, no theories on black holes or Albert's take on blacks in science. so, is just the "hi" worth it? after some thought nursing a cup of thin coffee, my conclusion is yes. now if you'll excuse me, my pub in NYC is hosting the President...

Rubikon on the stump speeching:

Rubikon: with all the rapper deaths lately, we have to come together. i see you over there in the corner! but that's just the point, you're out there on the corner with your street-rapper cred i get it, but don't bash a brother for wanting to improve hisself. just like you don't make fun of the fat kid at the gym---he's trying to improve himself---instead give him a hug if you can. even if he's trying to interfere with the election. cos he's doing it for us. i've come to know a few of the top gifted music students here at Princeton and color me impressed. their theory trumps my theory of the case. no more black-on-black crime, that just does the Q's bidding. if we truly come together past the interest groups and nice Scrooge McDuck billionaires and consolidate, we can win. now what's the update, lieutenant?

Scrooge McDuck: wow. this is the first work i've ever done as an old man. my feathers are wet. interest is not interesting to me cos i'm always paying taxes. so i don't know computers but apparently The Comedy Cellar has been hit next. horrible scene down there in Manhattan, i still know it as Woody Allen's Manhattan. the Iranians clearly thought of this comedy club as their most crucial target cos of all the heretic Iranian-American comics who perform there, comedy is devastating to the Empire.

at The Orchid:

Jodie Whittaker: *with poignancy in her palate* Martha Scott looks like Lucille Ball. i wish Lucy were the mother of Doctor Who...

Eye Luggage: so yeah, my boyfriend's sleeping on the box spring. we used his old box spring as a box for soil to grow vegetables to feed the hungry in Somalia and other arid areas affected by climate change. the cat familiars were none too happy they couldn't use the box spring for their litter box.

the Girls in the room in a circle laugh out loud, they don't need to snicker under their breaths to cover their mouths no more.

Madame Pons: so yeah my boyfriend, we met over at the Sauna Central last night. i'm giving him some tips. i'm helping him with his oral.

the Girls all whistle and smile.

Madame Pons: no it's not like that! his oral exam. no not like that! just trying to boost his esteem-confidence with my aura and some lavender oils before he has to present on stage at the end of the semester.

Gladyce: *on the phone with Doryce* so...chocolate eggs? no, dear, they're just light-brown beige like they've been dusted with chocolate powder. but they're eggs. they're not the anal eggs you get at LUSH. now i have to go, a bitch is on my tail. why hello, dear!

Hazel: SMU.

Gladyce: that other college who shall not be named?

Hazel Mead: *exasperated* no, shaking my uterus.…...well!? you've stood in that exact spot without moving for 5 whole days now. come up with anything?

Gladyce: well there was that time Doryce invited me and took me by the hand as we saw her favorite college band together, little did we know what that night would turn out to be. turns out it was Yonic Youth not Sonic Youth, many were turned to our way of thinking that night. and then of course there's Bethel Church where the two of us first saw Rocky Horror Picture Show. now see I knew you had to participate in the thing not just watch it, but Doryce was young at the time and you know kids and their screens. the cops were called when Doryce turned the dental drill on the audience, she was still green, didn't know about appearances, how things were not a good look. my poor Doryce just wasn't used to interacting with the outside world. she's come a long way, baby!

Gladyce: btw, why does every journalist around here HAVE to have a cartoon of their face as their twitter profile image?

Hazel: we've banned Dirg from doing all of ours.


on the grassy knoll of Princeton, Meital Dohan has dewdrops falling from her eyes. her hair turns yellow---yellow not blonde---and upwards as she fists and yells:

Meital Dohan: I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then Meital achieves Saiyan not by orgasming but by her first loud exclamation of:

Meital: HOOAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on the tv at the The Orchid offices:

President Bump: that new Prime Minister of Finland is a tasty snack. Blago never brags that's why i like him, his hair turned white in prison cos did you know prisoners make all those Magic Hair spraycans from leftover gangmembers' tagging graffiti cans and toilet water? the Acela Corridor is a long commutation.

Bloomberg, for what it's worth, gets up on stage in front of the drone cameras in Nevada and is the first presidential candidate to take out and wear the blue Socialist armband. immediately all the casinos in Las Vegas are shut down...

Hazel: ladies i think we can all agree amid all the commotion that this week's episode was strange. our mothers were always taught to honor Shelley's poetry. but which Shelley? Percy was just another fuckboi of the Romantic Age who made suicide pretty and desirable. Mary invented horror and sci-fi. why wasn't Mary made the focus? we will change this lurid trend TODAY, sisters!

Gladyce: Percy was no one's bysshe. at least that's what he told me as he was fucking my behind wearing a Don Juan mustache. i knew him, he kept going on about Gandhi and MLK. and then, strangely, as he was waiting for me to cum buckets, it was HE who squirted an entire lake! nothing came from my vagina.

Hazel: okay he inspired Cobain, that's the only one that's provable.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Dorothy Gayle apparently. will Snoop ever forgive Gayle?

Gayle King: i had a long talk with Snoop last night, he's the nicest man. it was weird cos i've never seen him angry before. and truth be told i thought he was half-dog. i will have anxiety for life now cos of him but that's all water under the L.A. River. never had anxiety before. Snoop told me he calmed down after smoking a bowl off Martha Stewart's ass. since they both wear monitoring bracelets that's code for licking guacamole off Martha Stewart's ass. whilst various insertions with the new Tostitos Strips.

Tyzik: the commercials tho.

Laertus: i mean you got the new Sonic commercial. the beef one, not the blue beef one. why the hell did they replace the Sonic guys!? they'll NEVER do better than the Sonic guys. and then McDonald's with the clear ripoff of the Arby's deep voice in their new ad. get more creative, people!

Dirg: that H&R Block black woman with the frizzy fro hair, yeah, we know, we noticed. H&R Black. her butt CLEARLY gets three sizes bigger in the next year of her doing this campaign of commercials.

Eye: Out Of Africa and go.


cat familiars: before we start we MUST first talk about that dog! i mean, right? that's the most beautiful dog ever to grace film. and this is coming from their mortal enemies! deerhounds, who knew? all deers are Satanic of which we say, see? if Satan is the source of all of our magic power, so be it! that dog is beautiful! graceful and gallant and elegant and with those fine legs and fur of grey and grey poupon! a real baroness bitch! we ship it! his name is Dusk from Scotland and should have won Westminster. like a fluffy Great Dane which is ironic cos Meryl Streep is Danish in this.

Prince Harry: i learned to play golf by watching Kendrick Lamar.

Meghan Markle: this is gonna be mad informative. man i wish i knew how that felt. i wish i were a Royal back then, they were so free!!!

Dirg: Meryl Streep has arrived to join our podcast. i'm keeping her in the soundproof booth as she enjoys munching on a danish i provided for her. can't be too careful nowadays with the strep-virus going around.

Eye: Suzanna Hamilton is in this, shame we didn't get more of her story. i was thinking we'd get a nice chunky bit of these three hours with the sensei/student relationship of Meryl Streep and Suzanna. but no, one minute she's thinking of becoming a feminist open outspoken rebel lover in charge of her own destiny like Karen Blixen with the real Pioneer Woman blitz, the next she's married like every other girl. no, girl, the purpose of a woman's life is NOT simply to be ravished. was Little Women out yet in paperback at this time? at the very least Suzanna can say that the conditions here in Africa were way more tolerable than any she experienced in the 1984 world.

Laertus: let's be honest, a film like this WILL NEVER BE MADE AGAIN. that's why it's so special. can you imagine a modern independent studio opting to do an epic sweeping grasslands romance like this? with a smoky train? in this day and age in modern times there isn't the will, the capital, or the patience. kids would literally walk out of the theatre after five minutes to go play video games on their screens in the lobby stairs. kids today think Ivory Merchant is soap.

Dirg: you think Meryl held her accent the entire film? you know they dubbed it in spots. for all of the finery and beige safari gear and lush landscapes, this is a very long episode of Day Of Our Lives. speaking of soap.

Eye: hey! Pat sent us a box again! an imbibable for us to enjoy as we discuss fine films! and this week's entry is: COFFEE of course! Newman's Own coffee of course!

Dirg: Robert Redford could have been an A&F model. but he didn't know how to fish.

Laertus: this is my kind of Bible! thanks Pat wherever you are! hey Dirg, sorry but your argument loses, our side wins. it's not flat.

Dirg: like Warren's college tits. but she had a good time anyway.

Laertus: you flatearthers lose. Africa makes the biggest argument. i mean how can you deny that poetry? it's one thing to make a scientific argument, but "the world is round so we don't see too far ahead" wins cos it's perfect poetry, POETRY! you can't argue with poetry, it's literature, it's art!!!

Dirg: that's the first time round is used where it's not meant to be around. syphilis tho.

Lana from Archer: syphilis, you rang?

Dirg: what's up with Regis Philbin. nobody has that perfect of a retirement. you gotta come out of your hole sometime. hey, don't bother the black man, he doesn't want to learn to read from the white man, don't do him any favors just cos Meryl Streep is clearly hot, it's his prerogative. he wants to be a street rapper to earn his keep. Meryl Streep didn't have the heart to tell that black-boy aspiring-cook that his jambalaya tasted terrible. cookboy got burned.

Eye: that Christmas tree during the New Years scene tho, that was the hot ticket, that was the vogue back then, to have a real Christmas tree lit with real lit candles. like, did anybody sense a fire hazard back then at the turn of the century? fire in a theater? in a theatre? and then of course poor Meryl's entire coffeehouse burns down.

Laertus: heck the candles-in-tree thing was still vogue in the '80s when this thing was filmed! again it's weird, it's dissonance, but you have to think of this film both ways: it's about 1913 people...but these same people are '80s people who love George Michael.

Dirg: first thing i thought of watching that fire burn was my Keurig machine...

Eye: it must have been wildly revolutionary to plant coffee fields instead of tea, after all this was the very HEIGHT of the British Empire.

Dirg: yeah looking back on it MAN but did the British fall! i mean seriously, what the fuck happened to Britain. you guys were an empire, a fucking empire, a sprawling epic romantic EMPIRE! you were the next-best thing to the Roman Empire in modern times. and then it...all...just...collapsed...

Laertus: ...under its own weight. from Shelley to Gandhi. Frankenstein to France always picking at the giant's knees. reminds me of a certain other wannabe Rome...

Eye: you know what happened to Britain? a certain country, starts with M as the locals pronounce it...

Laertus: and now for the most memorable scene: that plane ride. that really really drawn-out plane ride, good thing they had gas...

Dirg: my favorite kind of Nazi plane.

Laertus: ...across gorgeous unspoilt African landscape and countryside! back when God existed and had eyes! green and clean. waterfalls that is. that's when the director told his cameraman, "hey cameraman, buddy, ready to win the Oscar?" when Meryl as Karen lifts her arm to the back of her head to touch Redford's hand as they're flying, most romantic scene in film history? i say yes.

Eye: so do i! and now i got some great roleplay for us in the bedroom! doing a plane thing is gonna be tough but i'm up for the challenge!

Dirg: yuck. why wasn't Redford in Ford v Ferrari? can we turn the subject away from love. i had a rough Valentine's. i know!: death. you're good with these kinds of dark topics, right, Eye?

Eye: well we must talk about the funeral scene and Meryl's eulogy. he was not ours, he was not mine, but we loved him truly while he was here. perfect. perfect acting. and that poem, to an athlete who died young. more powerful poetry. stirring stuff.

Kobe Bryant: that poem was also recited at the eulogy to my funeral. there's give and take when it comes to loss. on the one hand there's untapped potential. on the other i will never grow old, always be a legend in the stars.

Dirg: no court can ever take that away from you.

Eye: i got choked up when we see that expansive blue sky and the clouds, it's as if God himself picked Redford up from his soil.

Dirg: soiled himself. the other dude tho, the guy who got shafted cos he wasn't Robert Redford. a nice enough fellow, provided for her, kept a roof over her head, just happened not to be as handsome as Robert Redford. his accent was always at the tip of my tongue. but i liked it, it was very Nazi.

Eye: Klaus Maria Brandauer. dude also gave her syphilis. and it's not cool to hunt duck for sport. this isn't a video game. go back to worshiping Mary as your brand.

Dirg: yeah cos ducks mate for life...

Dirg: i mean let's be honest, in real life these three were in a triangle. a real one not a Saved By The Bell one. they were the first documented throuple. they had multiple threesomes together with no consequences whatsoever. back then, a pregnancy was the same thing as a miscarriage.

Eye: ...a miscarriage of justice...

Dirg: not enough sex in this film. i mean shown sex. why did it have to be PG? it could have been R to juice up the hours and keep things realistic out there in the wild with nothing to do.

Eye: you still got Meryl's nice big smooth tits in a quick flash. i paused at the spot for my own purposes later. this is a romance, not a porn. fields not flesh. wheat not wet.

Dirg: i'm still puzzled as to how this movie won Best Picture and all those Oscars. i'm not sure it's as good as it thinks it is.

Laertus: i had the opposite reaction. going into it cold i was bracing for something saccharine and maudlin, but there's just something about Meryl Streep. that's why she's the queen, she has this secret power of drawing you into her aura for a few hours, you can't help but fall in love with all her foibles and fights. she wins you over despite yourself.

Dirg: she created the Left in America...

Eye: all those poor animals. i mean the lioness just trying to protect her young! did all these animals need to be shot in so vicious a way!

Dirg: all those loose wild lions and tigers and birds oh my would have viciously ripped the villagers to shreds! they would have EATEN the entire village! they had to be stopped!

Eye: this all arises out of the cruel meat chain we live and eat and die in not dine in. may we one day be woke folk to our eternal salvation! Impossible Whoppers will be the only thing on the GrubHub menu soon!

Dirg: it sure was lucky Meryl had real bullets in that rifle instead of fake movie-set bullets...

Dirg: you tell em, man! you expect a woman to tame a man!? a man must never be chained down, tied down. a man must be so free he wills himself to crash in a small plane young, fiery death, leaving all the women behind to fend for themselves, giving away all his future potential. the Graham Chapman Death. g'night, folks.

Michael Weiss on stage: Instagram is the only way poor people can experience how rich people live. till we get universal health care that is. they say it's bad form to look at a person's Instagram Stories if you're not following them, but i say why not. isn't that the way to make friends? by entering strangers' houses unannounced? i love when weird people look at my private stuff.

Pat and Julia Ioffe are at Van Nuys High. but Julia has disappeared...

Pat: where'd you go!? you gotta stay by me, i gotta do something important! more spy stuff?

Julia: no. went to the toilet. there's nothing like that feeling of absolute relief after a big poo. letting it slide out of my sphincter slowly. never pinch, let it all come out in loaves naturally. i laid with my butt a brown egg the size of a beachball. what do you want to do here? oh wait i gotta do something first...

she slides a Mexican elbow under the door of a Professor Lawrence O'Donnell's classroom.

Julia: another gammon don't worry about it. where to?

Pat: we gotta walk to the miniature-golf course.

Julia: too far. don't worry, i got transportation. i don't want you ruining your green jester shoes with the jingle bell.

Pat arrives on the golf course and sees nothing has changed at all. there's still the senior class of burnouts, cool kids, jocks, and prepping princesses all with their baggy shorts and beige bras and keys and tongues hanging out as they putt-putt around the course hitting the ball with their regulation golf clubs like this were a non-mini golf course. hitting the ball 100 yards into the 18th from the 1st.

Pat: man, this course is smaller than i thought it would be. it always loomed so large in my head.

Pat doesn't say a word. he simply walks over the course, cutting a straight line over all the rolling hills and snakey ways and sloppily-constructed windmills of greens and regulations and fair fairways and park benches and elf kingdoms along the way. Pat holds the hand of Julia who is quite chuffed at all this, redfaced and not taking it too seriously.

Julia: whatever this whole thing is, it's magical.

everyone there who watches this couple cut their own path---boys and girls alike---are so stunned and glassy-eyed they forget to finish the golf course or each other, they forget to make out on top of the windmill wheel---for extra orgasm---as they realize they are all late for the prom!

Pat: come on. nightcap.

Julia: got the keys? whatevs, i'll break us in.

Pat and Julia spend the entire night into morning slowdancing in the halls of the high school alone. on the dirty mopped waxy floors where they see their reflections but only wavily. they dance cheek-to-cheek without music---as if in the pre-silent disco era---eyes closed, smiles on their faces. and yes, Pat is shorter than Julia so sometimes it's mouth-to-boob. in the dark, only feeling each other.

Pat and Julia are dancing together holding hands with no space inbetween them inside Pat's locker from his highschool days. the locker is shut and locked...

Friday, February 14, 2020



* The Devil takes notes...

* which is ironic cos Fox, The Devil, you know...

* Lucifer: Babe Ruth's records are all tainted, too, i made sure of that. nobody's clean, i can only thrive in equal-opportunity chaos. and i hate prayer. back then in Babe's time they used iphones to cheat. obviously they had to keep the tech secret all these years or the Commissioner would find out. let me put it to you this way, the Commissioner back then wore a wifebeater shirt in his office. as you can see, a tiny Kuato third hand grows out of my bellybutton, i am the only man who ever lived who can suck his own dick, it's cool to be The Devil!

* Lucifer: Chobani, you can't trust it, it's from Asia.
me: what is this, an '80s anime?
Lucifer: Chobani, you can't trust it, it's from Iran.
me: what is this, the '80s?
Lucifer: it's yogurt tho, it's full of sugar, it will rot your teeth. look at all the nuts in there! i'm not talking about that Phoenix statue over there. when you bite down on those nuts with your compromised teeth they will shatter into sugar!
me: but your smile is so perfect and pearly-white and shiny.
Lucifer: i was the doctor on that other Fox show about plastic surgery...

* student eating Doritos in plain red or blue bag with no label or logo: why is the light so bright in the university library?
Lucifer: this is Hollywood, kid! this is Showbiz U!!!

* Lucifer: i have Elvis sideburns and a purple Riddler suit so you won't recognize me, so you'll think i'm your uncle you haven't seen in a while who was on Jackass that one time. HEY! that oil painting has nudity!!!
student with headphones on: what?
Lucifer: what are you listening to? Beats By Dre? a silent disco?
student: no they're noise-canceling headphones so i can study in here.
Lucifer: no more canceling!!! do you want me to sic Joker on you again?

* Golem descends from the spotlight staircase.
Golem: so i'm the new CEO of Chobani. i have no business experience whatsoever. have you seen my creepy cover? i really am just some ginger kid from Cornwall who should have been locked up and institutionalized a long time ago but managed to escape and blag it over to dissonant electronica...
Golem drives a tank through the library...

* Lucifer: PIZZA DELIVERY! thrown like a frisbee! have you ever seen a book before, young millennial? it's filled with sugary candy!!!
student: oh yeah my dad told me about this. life is like a box of chocolates, right?

* Lucifer: you brush away my donuts? how rude! who do you think you are, Taylor Swift!?
student: i'm not into you. the last perosn who did that to me was Homer Simpson and you see what happened to him. i see your cane in my face and i know you're signaling me but you won't throw me off my game, i figured out how to suck my own dick, too, i wrote down the formula on this notebook page here before you so rudely placed donuts on top of my formula.

*Lucifer: second commercial, who the hell is the hot babe!!? why don't i know her so i can influence her!!? why is she not on my list? that's cruel, God!!!

* Lucifer: see? continuation. i'm using the donuts from the last first commercial. and there's shelves and shelves of baby powder in this office for some reason.

* Lucifer: watch out! the vending machine will crush you!!!
woman: no thanks, chips are murder on my thighs.
Lucifer: you have a phat ass don't you want a fat ass? man i need to work on my game, it's been a couple thousand years since i invented the dating app. um, can i borrow your beige skirt? i'll unzip it myself don't trouble your pretty little head. it's just that God is a woman and i've always wanted to be God...

* Lucifer: i knew we were soul mates of color! now i recognize you, The Pink Ranger, the Asian one! what the hell have you been doing? don't say porn i don't want God to rub it in.

Lucifer: can i come up and see you sometime?
God: but you can't cum.
Lucifer: *fist* curse you, woman! to the moon, Alice! please? you see i'm wearing the number 7 you gave me for my birthday, it's squiggly but it's still a seven!

* woman: so are we gonna fuck or what. that's how these commercials end, right?
Lucifer: uh, what? let me flame out the wax from my ears.
woman: you're Justin Guarini, right? the Lil Sweet Dr Pepper glam-rock muchkin?
Lucifer: no i'm obviously John Stamos...i've been working on this university court case for a friend for ages now...



happy weekend, my babies

you know, this Saturday will be a mystery for the first time in quite some time. i honestly don't know what the fast food will be. in keeping with my purple theme all this week i need to get a new mattress tomorrow before the hole in my old mattress turns into a black hole. so, Purple Mattress, cos i support Tim & Eric from the alt-right mob. and so i'm gonna have one of those Papa John's Papazinis things with purple onion, cos the old guy from Romania at the deli-counter one time said to me i'd never be a man unless i ate purple onion

Wednesday, February 12, 2020


it's snowing.

Pat has forgotten what room Julia Ioffe is in, partly because all the rooms look alike and partly because all the rooms look different.

Pat: plus i am still in a haze. i am always in a haze now it seems. i can't concentrate on my studies anymore such as they are. that girl has my head constant and knocked forward. but the one thing i did remember were the special shoes.

at a random hallway Pat sticks his leg out hoping to trip his secret love. Julia, one door down, opens her door:

Julia: kinky. come. in.

Julia: OOOOH I LOVE YOUR SHOES!!! so exotic! what are they? get naked wearing only them so i can get a good frame for staring at them. i love to stare at shoes.

Pat: they're mukluks. i thought you'd especially like them, very native.

Julia: nice. very Korra.

Julia looks out her window.

Julia: well how do you like that? it's snowing and i didn't even notice! i've been distracted. wow, well you win! again! that was very creative. do me however you want.

Julia jumps on her palatial bed and splays her body out legs open like scissors. she says a few yellow words into her teeth and POOF she becomes a ball, all her tangled limbs fold into this ball and she presents as sinply one big round juicy wet bouncy butt on the bed:

Julia: do your worst.

after ten sessions:

Julia, looking out her window: awww, the snow hasn't melted yet. try again!

Pat needs a drink of water afterwards---he doesn't notice the curve of the water-fountain water has crystalized into a frozen waterfall---and bumps into Cotard who is in the middle of his five minutes of silence hands in the prayer position:

Pat: hello Father. what's the haps? sorry, i get stupid after i fuck my dream girl while still can't believing it's not a dream.

Cotard is wearing a stovepipe hat and a shirt which reads GOD'S BITCH.

Cotard: just praying for all the rapes. and the pimping out of daughters by fathers. i'm visiting my girl Marianne Williamson, my main mom madam, who's teaching one classroom over. she's, uh, got a lot of time on her hands now. and she's pissed off that she couldn't get Auditorium W. i've prayed like this in every spot on campus, every square inch of Princeton. it's taken me a decade but what's time to me anyway.

Marianne in her small cramped empty classroom: girls, we've lost the plot! the Bump Administration has made us soft and lazy again! stare at my barbecue pussy, my pulchritudinous pussy brushed with a tangy sauce of lime New Age crystals, and be cured! we gotta get back to bonding! i mean boxing! no more of this Sarah Lawrence shit, we gotta speak up for our sisters! our fellow females, fight! solidify! solidate! now who wants a T-shirt?...sorry ladies, there's only one GODDESS BITCH T-shirt, I wear that one!...

Bezos: nothing nefarious, just buying it for an Eyes Wide Shut party, not for any Lex Luthor stuff...

outside on the lawn a winner is making a speech. the hilltops and hillocks and college spires and rooves and garage patio pathways which slink up to professors' private residences on the university grounds and gateways are all covered in mounds of snow, latticed with ice, but there's just enough green to get by:

Siba: i won Westminster...and i thought this would be Oxford *crowd laughs*. my name translates as Norwegian black metal...

the cat familiars notice the tiny house by the corner of the expanse of lawn, Dershowitz is inside it:

cat familiars: Professor? what are you doing in there? you're at the wrong place...

Dershowitz: this is the only space i can find comfort and some space and quiet in the entire world. i'm so cramped in here my legs and arms are in a pretzel, the only difference sex i swear! and i didn't drive to the river...obviously...the river is is my gas tank...

the cat familiars: how do you do it, Siba? you have powers we can only hope to conceive with or without proper study. how do you disappear so easily?

Siba: take one look at me, one gander. society has made me invisible from the start.

cat familiars: right on, brother.

Siba: i feel bad for Daniel...he had to strip naked in front of the horse...

Joe Pera: class i want you to envision me telling you a story. see it wasn't my fault. i was a gifted child as you can tell fom my glasses and went to university at a very early age. i thought the professor here had my back and would help me and be the father figure i so longed for. turns out he only stared at my back. he turned into a sex pest before noon. this creep had the audacity to make a pass at me. me! talk about useless! i wasn't like that, these weren't the 4.0 days. so what could i possibly gain from this. and so i accidentally murdered him with a book. now i'm not saying this is a Princeton problem or a professor problem or a pedo problem...

Cotard: it's a priest problem...…...sorry i mean it's a trinity problem...

Diane Neal: oh no Joe! by the way Joe, who the hell are your parents anyway?...

at the job-recruit studio Rubikon went to:

Ricky Gervais: i have to hand it to you...

Dolly Parton: don't you TOUCH me teabags unless you want me to make you into a goose from a gander with one shot!

Ricky: no i mean your meme, that's one of the cleverer memes to come around along in a while in quite some time.

Dolly: yeah and i'm not even one of the Hollywood elite, i'm as country as you! fat, too!

Ricky: well i'm fat you're……'ve proven you're more than a pair of tits.

Dolly: what are you doing, Ricky!

Ricky: i'm showing you my naked arse in the hopes of farting rainbows in your face to impress you. look Dolly, my band and me really need a gig, can we PLEASE play Dollywood?

Dolly: fine. but only if you show me your Tinder pic...

Jodie Whittaker attends her weekly psychiatrist meeting. with Psychiatrist Federer as The Master in disguise:

Jodie: cold!

Psychiatrist Federer: when you found out Graham had cancer and you tried to pretend he didn't exist anymore? oh you mean the room, soz, i'll check the thermostat.

Jodie: i don't get it, doc. i thought this would be good for me, good for the world. it would elevate women. but it's been hard being the only one. i thought this week's episode would cure my mental health and bring Iranian/American relations together. but each week i read the messageboards and it's so damn depressing as hell. are there any fans out there at all? or is it all gammons nagging on about the Valeyard?

Psychiatrist Federer: hey, chin up, girl. you've influenced so many young girls you don't even know your secret might. those reading your wisdom behind a screen. you've touched the little girl in me. be not felled. do not be fooled by what's out there. do NOT i repeat do NOT open any email or text with the screenname soyboy on it...

Jodie, back at the dorm room: hey no men! i'm freezing my plikey arse off in here!

Eye Luggage: oh it's just Laertus, i'm showing him what he can do with his bed, like the way i have it, see, dear? your mattress has a big hole in it for a year now, i'm starting to notice!

Laertus: i've hate-named it The Gulch.

Eye: the hole is created cos it sits on a box spring which sits on a metal fight-club cage frame. take away the cage.

Laertus: i was thinking of fashioning a block of wood for underneath with just the exact dimensions of my single-extra-tall-long mattress but i forgot i wasn't Norm Abram, i just have his PBS totebag.

Eye: your boxspring is still good, right? chuck the mattress for a new used one cheap, put it on top of the boxspring, no under-frame, and that's it, the floor acts as the straightening-level you need! your back will thank you. that's what i do, Inuyasha Japanese-style, i simply plop one mattress on my floor and voila! in fact my boxspring IS my mattress! one item! minimalist, the way college was intended, there's no room in college rooms for all that jazz!

Laertus: and it's safer, nothing under for the cat familiars to get crushed under.

Doryce: they'd just disappear before. i'd heat the room......but my baby ain't home! what's the point? you know what i'll do, i'll wait for her by making another egregious purchase that she's sure to come home when she sees the bill! i'm gonna be the first person in the history of the universe to actually buy a bbq smoker from a grocery store!

Pedro in San Francisco: the city's depressed not just me. all the red and gold 49ers streamers around every cheese shoppe and wine depot and salami centre and grocery store were quickly taken down. i've seen that smoker at The Store, it sits on a pile of icebags in the middle where an aisle used to be...

Doryce, on the phone: hello, dear. where are you? come home!

Gladyce: you know where i am, dear. headquarters. you've been cleaning up. you know which box my record collection's in, all those LPs will keep you warm at night.

Doryce: you've got some pretty hipster stuff in here, babe.

Gladyce: does FM-84 come before or after M83 in the dictionary?

Dirg: Ollie Wride has the best woman-voice from a man i've ever heard. that's just not right, thought he was a woman all along, his voice took me on a ride before it took me for a ride. best since that communist Jimmy the Vile Savile from the leftist enabling BBC.

Laertus: not cool dude. you mean Jimmy Somerville, and he doesn't count, his is pure manly falsetto. think a Vienna Choir Boy who cleaned up at church-dance night.

Eliza Hopewell: hello. hope all is well.

Gladyce: oh hello, dear. oh Dor and i used to dress wells! with flowers and rave sticks and pickles. memories yes. well, we visited Mimi Choi cos we knew Monty Python stole all their ideas from her Eastern brand of crazy. that was nightmarish, the good kind. then we hopped over to Tehrangeles for some esoterica. to smooth over relations. it's Pershing Square but it's really Persian Square.

President Bump on the phone: Kim? KIM! don't hang up on me! get Sharon Choi in my bed NOW! i want her to translate all the strange noises which come from my butt at night.

Orchid Girls Jessica Meir and Christina Koch are having a row by the organic tea:

Jessica: i thought you said space is for all!

Christina: yes but i'm married.

Jessica hugs Christina REAL hard for a REAL long time, five minutes flat. later that evening, alone in her flat, Jessica rereads Little Women.

Gladyce: so as i can see, there's a lot of lovin' that goes on in this afterwards here's the secret, dears, use SCENTED trash bags! marvelous things. masks the clams-stench so only we know what's going on, nobody else's business! do not use Venus spray, that's a man's industrial product. i don't have time to clean.

Bump: *to Nancy* acquitted in perpetuity

Nancy: impeached in perpetuity

Bump: Acquitted In Perpetuity

Nancy: Impeached In Perpetuity

Bump: okay either way that's a lot of icing to write on this peach cake...

outside the brick house, Rosario Dawson frolics naked in the briarpatch. and Prince Harry and Cobain have something to talk about when their Briarpatch alt-magazine arrives at their Canadian store where they work. L.L. Bean is now a coffee shop...

Stephen A Smith: man oh my god! i thought i'd have a fun time doing the Oscars for my first time just as a lark for my boss Mickey Mouse but man was it a drag! George that poor sap of a dumb teddy bear. he's been doing the Red Carpet reporting his whole damn life and he kept sticking a mic in my face asking me in between slobbers why Hollywood---the industry he dedicated his life to---is suddenly getting a bad rap now. i told him don't complain if you don't vote. dude looked like a Modern Family reject. i was able to drink Maria Menounos's milk when she wasn't looking...

Kornheiser: i saw that. she turned both her heads...

Wilbon: FINALLY Inside Edition doesn't promote one of their segments and actually calls its pranksters knuckleheads!

Rubikon unveils his plan on the stump in New Hampshire:

Rubikon: we'll get those Iranians! the war is on, reports are they've already killed 10 of our men, we will retaliate in kind, we have to! they use secret invisible tornados to surprise bomb-blast, they've done this and taken out TRL at the MTV Studios in New York City. i will fight the only way i know how from my days on the frontlines of being a kid: i've ordered our factories and farms to mass-produce long retractable metal single Doc Oc arms as we speak...

Bernie Sanders on the stump in New Hampshire:

Bernie: thank you for staying up late, i know it's the shank of the evening and i need my NyQuil. i'll keep this brief. we're right. right? i have all the resources i need. i mean renewable sources...

Henry: can you call me Arthur?

Madame Pons: not yet. you hear that? it's the faint sound of the point of your dance shoe rubbing up against the crunchiness of the mic here. i'm an ASMRtist now!

Henry: it sounds so tipsy. but i was first attracted to you when i heard your booming reassuring voice!!! when you pronounced each word so strongly and demonstrably, each syllable laced with cosmic compassion.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: the Oscars commercials are always better than the Super Bowl commercials. i especially loved that McDonald's-of-every-celebrity one. i'll give Takahashi a call...

Laertus: that KFC commercial? that chicken looks like a taco with the sunset behind it, i thought it was a Taco Bell commercial.

Eye: and that glorious goth fork with the chicken-feet for tines. who's more annoying: Asta or Zenitsu?

Eye: while Tyzik contemplates that for eternity, as his head flies up to the stars, Earth Girls Are Easy and go.

Dirg: a long music video.

Laertus: a love-letter to Los Angeles.

Eye: The Valley is a separate entity from Hollywood or Los Angeles, it's its own thing, its own region like the Middle East. Geena says she's from the Valley, not L.A. i want the soundtrack. but it's out-of-print and rare. only available in Japan.

Laertus: San Fernando Valley, right? and all those glorious suburbs. i suppose it wouldn't be as cool if you referred to yourself as being from San Ferdy. Geena Davis is yet another version of Dorothy Gale by her name. but the real revelation here is Julie Brown. she is TALENTED!!! she wrote this and came up with all the songs. the Blonde song was hilarious.

Dirg: Julie's tits. yep. i'm sure they were that big in high school, too. that's why she was prom queen.

Eye: Gidget tribute. it was still fashionable in the '80s to crush blondes like that, and i am all for it and bringing that back! the roots of goth. what about that nightmarish Twilight Zone sequence tho! masterful and eerie and wonderfully jarring and out-of-place. that was unexpected! i love when the alien kid is jumping on a pogo-stick shaped like the planet Saturn and the mom gets mad, hahaha!

Laertus: i remember that toy. Julie Brown and Pee-wee's Playhouse, match made in heaven, never have two ethoses been meant for each other so completely! you see the angle of the rooms and roofs and the playful colorful Art-Deco design of the house in this? you know Julie had that exact same snooping-old-lady neighbor at her real house! gotta admit, was not expecting this to break into song and be a musical. you know Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans were hatching plans for In Living Color while on set. which Julie Brown became more famous in the end? her or the MTV one? tough to say...

Pat: after all, they say MTV is scum. Van Nuys High, keep a note of that for later. hey guys, a shipment has just come in! special-order, drinks for us to share while we gab. magaritas...frozen margaritas!

Eye: the only box that matters! good, they're better that way.

Dirg: like Ebert said: this film is a piece of delicious cotton candy. i feel so bad for Charles Rocket tho. it wasn't like he did it right after his SNL blunder, he had a long and distinguished beautiful flowering career and THEN he did it. there's no justice in this world. Orson Bean another one, after AFTER a long life well-lived, how tragic and ironic the ending.

Eye: he got what he deserved. i mean he's got Geena Davis---who is FORCED to wear that pink bikini the whole time---and yet he is still not satisfied? he cares more about his stupid fish!?

Dirg: not cool for them to hold up the nurse with a gun like that, nurses have rights, too. what she's just collateral damage? tinnitus before Archer. huh, it's so funny how back then celebrities were held in such high regard and valued. everyone back then loved Nancy Reagan, Mel Gibson, and Cher. and the National Enquirer!!!

Eye: back then the Enquirer was just some goofy rag no one took seriously...

Dirg: not cool for the spaceship to be shaped like a blowdryer that lands in the water. sends the wrong message to kids. Deca Dance=Decadence, get it? the dance club. and of course the Cage before Maya Angelou...

Eye: that spaceship was weird, it was like a Yellow Submarine banana...

Dirg: yellow dub. at da club. the only thing i would do in the '80s is shake Ronald Reagan's hand. oh and the cops! the cops here were treated like goofy benevolent one-of-the-guys! harmless. they were treated so nice here i can even fogive the forced gayness later.

Laertus: oh and Michael McKean as the surfer dude! he absolutely DISAPPEARS into that role! had no idea it was him, his accent is so foreign. i have that same green-eyeshade tennis-and-taxes visor with CALIFORNIA emblazoned on the front of it.

Dirg: no matter the era 7-Eleven workers ALWAYS have to prove they're the real Americans! oh, and Goldblum sure learned to speak fluent English mighty fast there!

Eye: i wanted to be a Valley girl when i was young so bad, they talked so rad. later i found out my dad was the genuine article: he was bred in Van Nuys, he was a genuine Valley boy! and he distinctly remembers when they had to cancel his Catholic school for one day cos the roads were blocked off for filming of the backwards-car-chase scene of this very film Earth Girls! just think about this: this movie was made AFTER The Fly...awkward for Geena and Jeff. i love the ending tho, it's romantic. every girl wants outer-space love. you don't have to marry, girl, marriage isn't the end-all-be-all. and Charles Rocket wouldn't have learned his lesson, after his coma he woulda gone right back to E.T.'ing the poor three tricolor aliens and saying he discovered Doctor Who. the only way Charles Rocket would learn his lesson would be to go on that rocket and become a slave on their planet. Love Touch was the original name of KY Jelly. and Julie Brown, there is such poignancy and pain in her voice as she delivers that line: happy trails. a lot of past loss and longing in that linereading. the subtle quiver in her lip made me tremble. g'night, folks.

Brooke Shields: i split with my Calvins.

Julia Ioffe: your jeans? yeah the rip we know that commercial. girl why you look so sad? you should be laughing.

Brooke: Calvin was my bipolar boyfriend...

Pat: let's do something.

Julia: Princeton are party-poopers. they're all dead inside. there's not much in the way of pranks here, it gets old to them fast. i tried to liven up the place once by placing flour in an envelope and sending it to the Home Economics Department, but that did not go over well. good thing the campus cops never found out who did it.

Michael Weiss on stage, smiling: hate looking at beefcakes on Instagram? a hangnail can fell a 400-pound muscleman. like Bama. make him squirm in his seat and render him useless to accomplish the most menial of tasks. he can't even pick up a trash can. trash can't. that's why i keep my gentleman fingernails well-manicured at all times. i like getting my toes sucked. with my lithe soft hand i am able to hold that thin book of Goodnight Moon not letting it drop to the floor imparting to my little niece the wisdom of the ages. THAT's power, ladies and gentlemen, i hold the power of light in my hand!

Pat takes Julia by the hand and they traverse over up the hill to the university golf course, still open with new flakes of snow landing gently in each hole and covering the surrounding green with grey. Pat takes Julia by the hand again to dance her in a circle. slowly. as if time has stopped, which it has for the both of them not needing to attend classes. both with their tongues out wide open to accept the snow as they sloppy-kiss. Julia closes her eyes for the first time.

Pat: you know what, no, why must this remain secret forever. I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW! I WANT THE STARS TO KNOW!!!

Monday, February 10, 2020


1. in the bedroom, what makes you insecure? an unlocked door

2. in the bedroom, what makes you a champion?

Queen. when they play that song in the background while i'm fucking with myself, that song is about me, Freddie took one look at me and had to start sitting down at a cafe...

3. when it comes to sexy time, i earn a gold medal ___

in my ability to make a brick of packed flour...

4. at the sexolympics, in which sport will you compete?
a) artistic synchronized water sex in the pool
b) freestyle naked wrestling
c) artistic naked gymnastics


5. your significant other's ex is coming to town and he/she wants to go out to dinner with them alone. how do you react?
a) it's okay, no problemo
b) not thrilled but go head
c) just no...just HELL no

ONLY if this person is Santa Claus. but this is what i'd do, i'd OF COURSE allow it, you'll never get a chance to gain this particular strain of valuable intel again the rest of your life. let them go to that café down the block on the corner. then an hour on, i stealthily pull up a chair at the booth in the corner of the café, take out my notebook, and my new pencil i chewed to sharpen, and begin taking notes...

BONUS: what kind of fidelity (being faithful) is more important to you?
a) physical/sexual
b) mental/emotional
c) neither
d) both

only one fidelity matters. the kind where you're at that sex party in the Hollywood Hills---at a mansion that is unlisted and covered in palm trees in the dead of night---and everyone's wearing the red drama-mask, or the red comedy-mask, and you decide to wear the deer mask cos you know, that's the unbreakable code which must never be whispered, the inalienable codeword never uttered in the ear only to the angels, THAT is Fidelio.

the inside hallways are littered with orchids. you know where orchids come from? from the root word orgy.

and you meet Ludwig there. and he tells you he's working on an opera. and you tell him that will be the only opera he ever writes. and that blows his mind so hard he has to sit down on the balcony and switch to decaf cider...


Friday, February 7, 2020



* this is ingenious, INGENIOUS!!! why didn't anybody think of this before!? combine the groundhog from Groundhog Day with the gopher from Caddyshack into one mammal!!!

* never noticed that before, it's the lamp from A Christmas Story

* Bill Murray: okay, just, where's Andie MacDowell, point me to her and this won't be Hell...
gopher: you were looking for her at your funeral when you should have been looking for her at her wedding...

* i need one of those Ferris Bueller ticker-tape-parade stock-market nightstand clocks...

* Ned: it's me! Ned Ryerson!!!
Bill: oh FUCK no not again!!!
Ned: do you know why i say my name all the time? it's the only word i know. you're my father! mamma wanted to name me Luke. remember? you fucked Andie MacDowell in the snow here and THAT was the predictor that there'd be an early spring cos you melted all the snow!

* Bill: that's different. what color is that jeep?
young reporter: chai.
Bill: go back to The Daily Buzz on The CW, the real reporters are here now.

* Ceremony Tophat: he took the groundhog!
Bill: fuck yeah i did. i paid for it!
Ceremony Tophat: how much?
Bill: i'm Bill Murray.
Ceremony Tophat: oh right.
Bill: i'll give him back if and WHEN David Letterman comes back!!!

* farmer: have we met?
Bill: believe this putz? uh yeah about 100 times.
farmer: sorry, i'm on drugs. you haven't heard of the farmer opioid epidemic?
Bill: no, i keep waking up into a bad actually yes i have heard of what it's like to take drugs

* farmer: you're gonna freeze to death.
Bill: who cares? i can't die.
farmer: i wish i was in the other Hell, at least i'd be warm.

* Bill: i don't know where we parked, i was following you.
gopher: don't treat me like a goddamn baby!

* Bill: hands at 10 and 2.
gopher: time doesn't exist. my hands are too small for this wheel, i'll use my tongue to steer.
Bill: it's funny, i have hair and you have fur.
gopher: other way around, dumbass! in your holier-than-thou righteous societies why didn't you legalize Christmas trees? that was centuries of free marijuana right there! why do you shave off your hair anyway? it's nice in the winter. you came from birds, we came from dinosaurs. we chuck wood, you chuck political systems.

* Mrs. Lancaster: bitch best believe you betta do as i say, i'm related to General Patton!

* hostess: oh sorry, no animals……...we accept only emotional-support elephants, no emotional-support cats or dogs.

* Bill knocks on the gopher's helmet.
Bill: safety first.
gopher: you just gave me a concussion.

* Bill: it's not personal, it's just a game.
gopher: then why aren't you playing Pac-Man?
Bill: cos a guy cheated on it, it's forever tainted.

* Bill: not a bad day, aye?
gopher: hold me. be my blanket.
Bill: why is there a giant tooth sticking out of you? time to go to the dentist, mister!

* Bill: no more crass debauchery. we are in the woke age not the anything-goes age, we won't be recreating the candybar pool scene.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: who you callin' Baby Ruth!!?
Bill: in this scene the short but mighty Ruth will become an Immortal by ingesting the same medicine Arya Stark by the lake did in that one Doctor Who episode...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: the Wendy's Big Bacon Classic. why, you ask? well i don't know about you, but i like my bacon red and crisp, not brown and rubbery. i realize in an emergency my bacon will be used for slingshots and tourniquets.

2 REASONS TO KEEP LIVING YOUR BEST LIFE: new Beast Morphers and new Ballmasterz on the horizon!

SUNDAY: Billy Crystal: "no you can't have my porn. an Oscars show without a host? again!? that's like a trial without witnesses..."

Wednesday, February 5, 2020


Romney: see? i wouldn't have been that bad a President...

Mrs. Romney in the crowd: Romney's from Kaysville! Romney wants to fuck!

President Bump is at the Red Circle Table, folding his hands in prayer:

Bump: shakin' my damn head. Kobe, eh? what a shame, another victim of the Illuminati.

Rubikon: i'd kindly ask you to remove your fattest of asses from my seat but not even Sisyphus could move that weight. want something to drink? like a non-cum protein shake?

Bump: this tepid water is fine, it's Schiff's liberal tears. have you been following the trial?

Rubikon: uh, yeah.

Bump: no the Harvey Weinstein trial. wut? i got acquitted? OMG that is so awesome!!! but i have to tell ya, i'm BORED OUT OF MY SKULL here. i'm getting antsy. time for me to maybe get back into the real-estate game...

Bump sees Shakira on live tv doing the zaghrouta.

Bump: DEPORT HER INSTANTLY!!! that's a terrorist tongue-wag! nevermind, being President is too much fun.

at the Speech:

Nancy Pelosi: oh Mickey!

Bump: yes, my love?

Nancy: you owe me. you do know what a deficit is by now, right? this paper costs 5 dollars. your speech was worth 3 dollars...

Bump: okay Pence send Shaq over with some of that new printer-ink that's not printer-ink.

Nancy: hey, i'm throwing an afterparty at my office! everyone who voted the right way is invited! i got this big-ass silver Aztec-carved paper-shredder delivered to my table from Goofy himself. anything you want to shred, go for it, get some free therapy! we're filming a Super Bowl commercial in there!

Angus King: don't you miss having a King on cable tv? we all miss Larry. i'm more of a Burger King man myself, love their steak sandwiches. so, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Ari Melber: that is the GREATEST lyric ever in the rap game. i enjoy dunking my toast in milk.

Giuliani is going round the Room shaking Senators' heads and talking to their butts:

Rudy: hey who did the Midnight In America film? what a John Wayne title! the optics alone will win the Oscar but that mood music tho! i need that cinematographer stat to do my stuff like that. in need of a boy to gloss up my stuff.

Buttigieg and Biden: okay so maybe Shadow Inc is not the best name for a company...

Pompeo: so i'm here stumping in Liberal, Kansas...…...ironic...

Bump: i like your style, Mike. i like Mike. using The Simpsons like that with subterfuge to suit your own ill-gotten ends and means. makes you relatable to the folk. it is owned by Fox after all, why not us and the U.S. using that content to our hearts' content.

Pompeo: didn't you do something similar, sir?

Bump: oh yea right, i was on The Nanny.

Robin Williams: that should have been MY show.

the Entertainment Tonight press asks Fran Drescher a question:

Fran Drescher: why did i allow Mickey on my show? i was a Republican back then. but you have to understand, times were WAY different back then. Mickey Bump was a cartoon character. he was fun and frivolous and harmless, the bumbling-rich stereotype. people still called him handsome.

Fran: i was doing my best to save American/Iranian relations with salve and weird laughs before it got too far. i got all my Arab friends together for a confab. Shakira. Rudi Bakhtiar. but by then Rudi was caught up in all that Fox sex bullshit.

Dirg: so THAT's why we never saw Rudi anymore! remember her? she was the HOTTEST thing in cable! the lavash lass of the landscape. she was scorching up CNN Headlines News!!! i watched that show religiously, BOTH meanings! then she completely disappeared off the pop-culture spectrum. and Iranian radar for that matter. and it takes a Hollywood movie set to sexplain the secret intricacies and inner workings of a network's filth and the truth finally comes out.

Jessica Simpson: i joined all this lady mess with my WW3 pledge. the Weight Watchers III pledge.

Fran proudly steps out outside her New York hotel holding hands with a mystery woman. this mystery woman proudly steps out into the night from the awning, it's Demi Lovato. the pair laugh into each other's lips as they climb together into the backseat of a taxicab with a toucan on its side. their giggles fog up the back-windows as the cab speeds off...

Eye Luggage: that Gretchen Whitmer is fucking hot! she could be Harley's mother!

Dirg: yeah she has that glassy-eyed Stepford-wife creepiness to her. dyeing your hair from brown to red, does that work?

Eye: you jealous?

Laertus: me? uh, well, sure i am that you love such a fine upstanding woman!

later that afternoon, Eye Luggage visits Cathy Yan at Princeton to see if she or her ex can get cast as Harley in Cathy's film. if not, Eye wants to make sure Julia Ioffe gets cast as Harley.

Eye: a favor for a friend. so he notices me.

Cathy: sorry, i'm casting Fairuza Balk as Harley. perfect casting. Fairuza was BORN to play Harley like that dude was born to play the creepy guy from Clockwork Orange.

Rubikon is up on stage in Auditorium W:

Rubikon: folks, amirite? i mean thank god the holidays are over! but it's not truly over until the last trash is picked up. right? when that trash gets taken by the trashmen---on Saturday cos Wednesday is New Year's---THEN it's over. THAT's the trash that carries all your holiday-party secrets in it.

the crowd whistles. a heckler interrupts the niceties and proceedings:

heckler: fuck you. the Dems don't believe in God! why aren't you bombing Iran right now? we should be raping all their women.

the crowd boos.

Rubikon: great, another one. another one of you guys, huh? you red-hat infested cockroaches. i was willing to give you a pass, thought maybe you got traded to the Phillies, Chris Matthews's team. when they go low we go high. well look at me, boy, i'm high. high up here on this raised stage, this dais. you're down there with the cockroaches. come up on stage, boy, and we'll settle things once and for all. my magnum to your cock.

the crowd cheers and claps.

Rubikon: *subdued smirk* look at this clown. folks, look at this faggot. you're a ball player, right? you played professional baseball. sadly you played for the San Francisco team, and none of that grand city's beautiful gorgeous cultural diversity got into your peabrain to jog it and finally work right did it. seeped into your soul. you're as stubborn and stupid as ever. a real man's man. you never had to attract your wife with Redbottoms, right? just the natural meaty man's musk of your sweat glands. one lick of your barbecued nutsack and she was hooked and all yours to beat. the baha coming off your balls. you even wore a thong once. but you did it for the wrong reasons, not for team unity or for a lark. you wore the thong to make a point. well i'm a different type of Dem, one you may not have seen nor realized nor encountered before in your daily travels. this is my version of they go low we go high.

Rubikon hits with a punch that breaks the man's face and leaves him with a bloody nose.

the crowd claps cautiously.

Rubikon: THAT's how you win the culture wars, folks. THAT's your counter. THAT's how you make a point. THAT's how you win an argument in this day and age. with a high uppercut. i WILL strike back at Iran if i am your President.

the crowd erupts violently as if a great centuries-long valve has just been pierced.

Madame Pons is at the library counseling Henry inbetween breaks from her card-cataloguing electronically:

Pons: join me at Higher Dose Sauna for a special showing. i got you, Henry.

once there, Henry shows up opens the neon door and enters a purple room. he is carrying a dimebag and a bag of dimes for any combination of drugs he might need.

Henry: oh this is cool. good, i need this room, my back is killing me from tests everyday!

Pons: do you hear my disembodied voice?

Henry: yes. but not now.

Pons: that's cos i'm speaking in a very low voice. so low no one can hear it. you hear that faint scratching?

Henry looks down and his shoes are gone. his toes are cold on the tile.

next door Vanessa Bayer is getting a facial as part of her Massage Envy commercials:

Vanessa: jealous? that's a standard SNL line. no i'm not that girl, i can't imagine what Kobe's wife is going through. gonna need more than aspirin. i'm Jack Bauer. i beat you at your own game, Cecily, my campaign's WAY better than your trash Triscuit campaign. way better writing, way better jokes.

Cecily Strong: tru but i ain't stressin' so much i need a facial. i can get any facial i want. look at my bottom! look at my tits! both sets so big they can handle the cock of any man on earth! from magnums to miniatures, all slide in and all never come out. get pinched and pierced and disappear into my bosom and cakes. my traps is sticky. i will always be in control when faced against a man. my body is impossible to massage cos it's so big and grand and statuesque and amazonian. I GOT THE ULTIMATE HOT DOG BUNS.

Maria LaRosa at The Weather Channel: Happy National Weatherperson's Day, Goody!

Goody Paul: i really wanted to be a sportscaster...get my PhD in sports science from Princeton...

Laertus: the reason i loved the The Weather Channel personalities from jump is i have a lot in common with them. we all understand appreciate and love science, that's a building block to friendship...

Jodie Whittaker is in the dorm room:

Jodie: Lucas Till looks like Doctor Who! he looks like me! he---i mean me---is a farmer...

Jodie: but seriously, Infinity Train Second Trip was wonderful! what a trip! i was like a catlady on catnip! i'm an expert when it comes to time and modes of travel and transportation. and trans characters. but then suddenly this show becomes Minority Report...

Joe Pera is banging on the door demanding to be let in so he can teach his Princeton class on music theory:

Diane Neal: you're just a high middle-school teacher, Joe. you're a choir coach. you're lowly and true. how can someone with extreme anxiety like you have teach kids? are we ever gonna see your cat? what's with the dude who scales your roof every episode with a ladder, who the hell is that guy!? if you're not gonna go the school-shooter route, the next-exciting thing would have been to have that affair with Sue Melsky, she's the Michigan version of milf.

Joe: Marquette milf.

Diane: that would have been interesting to explore. when Mike Melsky finds out he kills you with his bare hands. and you keep it secret from your girlfriend Sarah Conner, too. when Sarah finds out, obviously she terminates you on live tv. now THAT's a series finale!!!

Joe: ...

Gladyce eventually joins Nina Cosford by touching and holding and joining hands in the dark. Nina introduces her to the rest of the girls in the room, the lights go up in The Orchid studios.

Gladyce: the Orchid Girls! i've heard such stories! a legend to be here! i'm honored. the revolutionary printing presses themselves.

Nina: over there we have the dry plate...

Gladyce: ah yes, Doryce told me about this. this is what was used to get away with porn in the old days.

Nina: think back to any stories, any trips you and your honey Doryce took together that would make interesting copy.

Gladyce: well there was that one time we went to Degraves Street. the Melbourne bazaar. it was dead. filled with Degrassi wannabes from Australia, they tried to make that Australian Degrassi, remember that show dears? but what's most top of mind for me is the student caf. that milk. that milk looks expired. i am TERRIFIED of my milk expiring! sometimes i throw it all away into the toilet even if there's a week left cos my tongue simply cannot stomach a piece of milk chunk.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: those commercials. Ridged Pringles simply cease to be Pringles if they're ridged. no matter what the milf says. and that Weight Watchers commercial that throws shade on Noom's psychology, like don't eat the crazy chips.

Eye: Yellowbeard and go...

Laertus: you know i only noticed this till now. when i watched Monty Python as a kid, it was harmless fun. but now i see the seeds of the world's destruction in it. the Monty Python crew is a boy's club, a frat, the seeds of the alt-right in Britain. i mean you see how they treat women in their movies. all the women are indiscriminately naked showing their tits and bush while the men get off scot-free!

Eye: before Brexit. the time when jokes could be dirty. agreed, love, and all the Python men are old geezer gammons now. well except for maybe John Cleese.

Dirg: hey, Madeline Kahn is wearing clothes and a pushup-bra girdle as a shirt. KAAAHNNNN! and she's NOT portrayed as a drunk or dumb, in fact she invents prancercise to throw enemy pirates and the Lady Crown off Kahn's x-marks-the-spot. everyone who made this film said it was the worst film ever made and they ever made, which is racist to Cheech & Chong. i see this film as Pirate Holy Grail, that's how i got into Princeton here, said that in my interview. anyway i choose to honor Graham Chapman by watching this film, this was Graham Chapman's wet dream before he expired, Graham Chapman never wanted to be on tv, Graham Chapman wanted to roam the seven seas in a nonwaterproof safari hat as an adventure-club youth...

Laertus: it's the whole "rape" thing, like Yellowbeard uses rape continuously, but as a joke, it's casual. it's piratey. like as long as everything's a joke it's fine.

Dirg: Cheech tho. that must have hurt to bang his head against stone like that. and who knew Chong could speak the Queen's English so loverly?

Pat Sajak talks to Alex Trebek's butt:

Alex: what are you doing, Pat?

Pat Sajak: chasing tail. i mean chasing bail. here's all the money i stole from the bank for your cure. Susan Collins called me Mowgli so i dressed up for the robbery in a Tigger costume...

Eye: again with the map on a body part. did no one shave their heads in pirate times?

Laertus: for fear of exposing their lice and limeless Lyme.

Eye: and again with the Waterworld beach! or perhaps it should be referred to as Piano Beach from now on. all women are golddiggers? do tell. once again Peter Boyle is on the case! come on, you use Bowie for a cheap cameo? Bowie should have been Yellowbeard!

Dirg: i liked the girl who threw shit, that's my kind of woman! i want her as my flower girl at my wedding. i enjoyed Cleese in this, i wish he were my preacher. at least my priest. Marty Feldman's googly-eyes got him more poon than he ever coulda if he had been straight, it pays to be struck by lightning...

Eye: this is basically Water Conan The Barbarian...

Dirg: the lesson here being the only way to be a man is to kill your own father. g'night, folks.

Pat for a good portion of the semester has been trolling the halls taking out long piles of large books from the library, surveying them for clues, not studying them. tomes of Russian literature mostly. and Jewish history, the right kind. and some George Bernard Shaw thrown in there for good measure. he bumps into Cotard who is in the middle of the stairwell having closed his eyes and stood still silently for five minutes, his fingers in a triangular prayer clasp touching his lips.

Pat: hello, father. you haven't moved for five minutes straight.

Cotard: i am a chaplain. just a shepherd of God trying to teach science here in one of these rooms. science is just art. i use all the 5 minutes to really think about the victims. to really think about the unrealness of Kobe. to ponder and contemplate a 1-0 final score in American football. that really fucks with my head. i need medication after that meditation, got any drugs? my students always provide, i always learn from my students. where to get it on campus.

Pat: sorry father, i'm about to bump into an old friend.

Pat hopes to see Julia Ioffe in the room, but also not. but there she is!

Pat: oh i love your red hair!

Julia: yeah i decided since i love ScarJo so much. actually cos i love ScarCO! that speech from the President scared me.

Pat: what? i thought nothing intimidated you.

Julia: no it's just 4 more years will completely undo our little 300-year-old social experiment here. i do NOT want to move back to Russia. i saw you at the library earlier.

Pat: you did?

Julia: hey, join me in my room later. and surprise me with what your feet are gonna wear, pick out something good.

Pat: what? i thought you were rid of me.

Julia: yeah it's boyfriend is always not here...he's up there giving Instagram speeches, speeches on he's doing right now...:

Michael Weiss: that's the thing with Instagram. it CAN be a tool for good. use Instagram to keep yourself accountable when you're trying to lose weight. a pic of you and commenters won't lie to your fat face, they won't make you feel good nor give you false hope nor skewed results, you'll be fat to them no matter what...

Julia: i know you're trying to compete---that's so cute!---so i'll help you out. so btw THIS is my boyfriend's favorite book...

Julia hands Pat Goodnight Moon.

Monday, February 3, 2020



1. if you had to wear a T-shirt with just one word on it for an entire year, what would it say?


picture it now: i'm in a men's catalogue advertising the comfy fuzzy sweater i'm wearing, by the fireplace, munching on a tungsten plate of spaghetti with my dog Wilbur who holds a pink rose delicately between his lips---not his jowls---cos he thinks it's a stick. my three skateboards---all autographed by Bony Hawk---lay on their belly upright against the wood siding of the overhang chateau. this is a ski shack in the snowy mountains owned by Stussy and the lawyers...

2. what movie did your parents let you watch as a kid that they definitely should not have?

My Life As A Dog

cos it sent me on a wild goose chase i continue to this day. i consider My Life As A Dog one of the greatest films of all time, my favorite film as a youth despite me not knowing about it. i didn't get all the intricacies of it on first watch, the Swedish warm colors of the palette and the eternal sadness of the boxing ring and the Michael Jackson connection till i was well into an adult.

back then i saw it in the theatres in the '80s. with my parents holding me knee-high by my dress shoes. i was so small and innocent the popcorn bag was taller than me. didn't understand what the hell was going on on screen...but my parents sure did from their panicked reactions and pained red faces. when the scene comes on where the boy is telling the other boy about penises caught in glass bottles, it was time for the family to leave...

since then, i have been obsessed with this film. mostly cos i can't get it. i'd like to rewatch the film now with clear adult eyes to really experience it for the first time. to hear that grandfathered radio in it. you can't download it, and i don't have the money to buy the bluray with the Kurt Vonnegut interview of it i so desperately need to see. did you know the mother in this film is the mother of Avicii? talk about the tragedy of life imitating art. back then in the innocent '80s my dad suggested this film cos he thought the mother in it resembled the mother of one of my schoolyard friends at the time, Lydane.

3. what are your hopes for this day? to open my eyes tomorrow

4. what is holding you back from going after what you want? my DNA. thanks for nothing, 23andMe

5. if you could make a rule for a day and everyone had to follow it, what would it be?

Naked Day at church! that would bring the community together, nothing to hide, no more lies. i don't see the problem, we monks have been doing this since the Bible was written. you really think we have clean underwear under our brown robes?

also, you HAVE to say one nice thing about your bitterest enemy. here's how it would go down:

Donald Trump: okay, your body is an 8. thank you for my 5G.
Nancy Pelosi: your hands are like teacups, fine bone china.
Nancy Pelosi: anything else?
Donald Trump: no.
Nancy Pelosi: Donald.
Donald Trump: fine, i'll only do three terms, i'll be bored with it by then anyway...

BONUS: what is one thing you refuse to share? why? my drugs. cos i want them all to myself.


Friday, January 31, 2020



* not that thing that keeps tuna cold

* you know i'm just realizing this now as i do this post: i really owe a lot to Captain America whatever my politics. i didn't see the film cos i shun blockbusters like the coronavirus but now i wish i had. there'll always be another Woody Allen film. those scenes of a painfully-skinny Steve Rogers who eventually bulked his way up to superhero strength should inspire me, i'm even MORE skinny than dat dude was at the start now. my pipecleaner arms are the pipeceaners to the pipecleaners. of course i never had time to actually drive to the gym and lift weights, the only way i could bulk up was with that strange powder...

* see the thing is tho, you can't park a car in the harbor...

* red herring (kept cold): this commercial is actually about an old curiosity shop

* Jackson Pollock was alive this whole time and paints in that studio! nobody notices him cos his paintings just sort of blend into nature.

* Chris: hey Rachel, how are you? how do i know your name?
Rachel: i think you did an SNL once, dunno, stop bothering me, kid.
Chris: drat. want a commemorative plate from when Richard Scarry spoofed Sound of Music? want some Buddhist gold circles to rim with your tongue?
Rachel: i want your shield. i need it when i meet people. why did i leave SNL again?
Chris: your gall bladder never recovered form the Debbie Downer Disney skit.

* John Krasinski: so now obviously this needs to be a sitcom.
Chris: hey pal, leave the heavy lifting to us real dramatic actors, your lane is comedy. you as Jack Bauer!? don't make me laugh. that's why they're bringing back 24.
John: patience. i am in touch with my emotions, i hold up signs written on them my feelings.
Chris: what are you on? there's nothing in these coffee cups. Pam is my real-life wife...that sounds like something which could be true...

* John: i'm gonna squeeze in here and park the car.
Chris: no you ain't! too small!
the car turns into Chris's blue jacket.

* Big Papi: hey. Boston is my fucking city, but that don't mean i have to speak like you idiots.
Rachel: the only way the world will survive is if someone who looks like me can communicate with someone who looks like you. come on, big guy, loosen up! going to the rippah tonight?
Big Papi: excuse me a what!?
Rachel: ripper. party.
Big Papi: i thought you were making a pass at me. don't joke around about farts in front of big guys, we're sensitive to that sort of stuff. when big men fart it can cripple a city with a green marine layer.
Rachel: so THAT's why the river turns green!

* Rachel: Papi, can you be our musical guest? you play music? you play a sonata?
Big Papi: of course! i'm in Boston you madam of the mushroom midgets. i'm in the Pops and the Philharmonic! fuck the Phillies, they will be the next team to cheat...

* just a simulation, the car doesn't really do that

* John clicks the clicker. his eyes start blinking uncontrollably...

* Rachel: Dorchester?
John: no that's where Lawrence O'Donnell lives with his family alone...

* Chris: you unparked it? how is that possible?
John: as you can see the car is no longer there. it disappeared. cos it got stolen.

* Trent Reznor: wait, what city is this? i smell neon signs everywhere, and the smell of sex and seance...
Rod Serling: the ghost car is actually my car. driving driverless on an empty tank. it gets REAL good miles.

* Casper the Friendly Ghost is driving the Smart-park Sonata past Rachel and new friends.
Casper gives Rachel the middle finger.
Casper: am i am joke to you!
Rachel: Boston changes a lad...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: my Super Bowl Splurge: normally i cannot stand buffalo chicken. it's cheating trying to be a chicken it is not---how can you be both a buffalo and a chicken? it's playing chicken and being a chicken. but i will relent this one time cos Taco Bell Queen on Instagram told me to.

SUPER SUNDAY: it's not about Mahomes v Garoppolo. it's about Kelce v Kittle......not their play on the field, their playing the field if you know what i mean. never has chocolate freckled with rice krispies tasted so good