Monday, June 14, 2021


Burger King has won the Chicken Wars. it's over, hit the mat, done. Big Billy Shakespeare called it from his villa in Sweden:

Shakespeare: i had to move from Germany. Munich is the city of the future and i want no part of that. the Ch'King is the clear chicken champion. no one came closer. the contest ended at noone. my only gripe and pardon my manliness but i would have liked a little more rose sauce on the pattie.

1. you have started your own sex-themed business. what is the name of your business? what is your specialty service or product? BONUS: in one or two sentences what is your business's slogan or motto?

Fed's Beds

we offer one night with Roger Federer. cream sweater not included. you provide your own cream.

the sex is so orgasmic it's like when Federer won the French Open...

2. you have to write a 12-word message to the man/woman of your dreams. what would you say?

alien, i don't care what they day
Odo, you are my bae

3. what's the word or string of words your partner can say to you that sends you over the edge the quickest?

baby, think of me as string cheese. baby, think of me as your opening, that June 15 California reopening...

4. what is the nickname of your partner's pussy or dick? did you name it or was it already called that?

pussy: Mollie Sugden

dick: Dick Djokovic

it wasn't always called Dick Djokovic, in the '70s it was known as the Big Bjorn

5. what would you call yourself if you could choose your own name?

Michael Smith



Friday, June 11, 2021



* Nadal: even when i lose i win. did you hear that crowd? they were all for me. i got scared cos i hadn't heard a crowd in two years so i thought it was my cats outside rummaging the trash for Heathcliff. anybody else put their trash on their front yard?

* Min Luong: the producers of Gleaming The Cube did me dirty. they were too clever and sly for their own good, you see that scene where they're trying to have their cake and eat it too? they have me sleep overnight in Christian Slater's bed but we're both fully clothed, me in my sweater, Christian in his Thrasher shirt. but before i leave and crawl out the window i give him a kiss like we had sex. 
producers: we wanted you to say take off my sweater and cum in my mouth but then it would have gone to the underground black markets instead of the underground sports markets. we marketed this as a family-friendly film, a family-friendly film about a parent's worst nightmare: skateboard punks.
Christian Slater: my original name was Christian Skater.

* Lorne: Kate, can i see your real face?
Kate McKinnon: what do you mean?
Lorne: your actual face, not the face you always have on, your crazy face.
Kate: shut up, Lorne, i'm movie-star hot. i'm bout ready to do my Mary Lou Retton splits in Dorothy Gale slippers.

* my uncle is a fat fuck. he eats all the ice cream in the ice cream truck and 17 vending-machine sandwiches for lunch. even the egg one. and yet he STILL kicks my ass on the basketball court, i mean this shit ain't fair.

* Turin the horse: horses are bigger than people so why aren't we THEIR masters?
SVU gardener: cos no horse has ever won the Triple Crown without drugs. it'd be cool to ride a horse on the moon.
Turin: sorry, Elisabeth Shue won't be there she's already out of breath choking. the dust we kick up creates asteroids. we blew up the Death Star not those horselet Ewoks.

* Dennis Haysbert: i'm in a black hole. why couldn't 24 continue forever?
President Bump: ...

* Coors sealion: sup. Monterey Aquarium back open. no masks. full capacity. $500 more.

* listen to your Gen Z child with the green hair, they have to learn about energy cos your generation fucked up the planet and didn't care

* Pride is the future. Xfinity, not all gay people have tattoos.

* Spiral learning: figuring out when Uzumaki will actually air. takes a blond permutation.
Phoenix: i forgot EVERYTHING i ever learned in school. so where am i now?
teacher: there is no knowledge, knowledge is simply memory. knowledge is a memory. what is your real name?

* only the beach-volleyball women NCAA champions may jump in the ocean. riptides are not the same as undertow, don't listen to your tool boyfriend.

* 80,000 votes saved us from the Forever Purge

* SOMEBODY saw Career Opportunities...

* - i'm gonna be a trailblazer, the first female black lead singer of a rock band, Beyonce once said she thought Kurt Cobain was sexy.
 - we're gingers. Ed Sheeran? nah, we'd rather train in this Olympic pool. the Olympics are still a thing, right? a viable thing that people care about?
 - i'm a ballerina but i won't go out like Black Swan. see all this dust in the spotlight at the end? i'm more Edward Scissorhands than Black Swan.

* Cecily Strong: i have to do Nervive commercials now.
man: i used to play the guitar. after Nervive i can't even play the See N Say. my only option is to dye my preppie hair green.

* why did humans start killing humans in the first place?...

happy weekend, my babies



Wednesday, June 9, 2021



Robert De Niro on the Big set:

Tom Hanks: yes, sir.
De Niro: are you my lackey? my lacey tapeboy? it's bad enough i have to scratch a lucky penny off my shoe but this is no class. no class whatsoever. not at all! pianos should be like Casablanca, play it again Sam, with the lucky pennies in the clear glass fishbowl so the broads can see you're a working stiff. 

Melissa Auf der Maur: OMG i married Elon Musk!!!

De Niro: why do i have to wear this weird green helmet?
Michael Weiss: space hat, for that one time we went to Mars. i wear things all the time, it's cool. you look like Boba Fett.
De Niro: is that a type of bubble tea? cheese? i'll do it for safety. covid safety.
Michael Weiss it's a faceshield for playing virtual video games like Lazer Tag.
De Niro: do you know who i am? I USE REAL GUNS!!!

Sarah Jamie Lewis: i am not a robot.

Pat: i don't know if i can do this, guys.
Gina: come on, you have to.
Max Kellerman: it's easy i did it last week. i'm manlet-size so i'm perfect to be a jockey. i wear the very first Jockey tightie-whities.
Rosie O'Donnell: do it for the horse! 
Pat: okay okay.........i guess.........i mean i do love animals. i love animals more than people.........okay i got the perfect break-in snack for the horse when we break out.
Gina: just remember, don't mention He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Marvin Gaye: i didn't go to therapy. instead i wrote "The Ecology, Mercy Mercy Me".

Leminski: i opened up the karate studio at the mall that later became the Regular Show mall karate.

Uncle Sigh the horse: i rode a horse to board a train to go see Mugen Train in the snow.

Dirg: if you're for individual rights you're a Republican. if you're for group rights you're a Communist.
Laertus: yeah but covid changed all that.

Madame Pons: Mardith if you want to be a good friend out in the world you need to strike the delicate balance of when to stay quiet and when to twitter.

Gladyce: the new tiny trashbags look like the cute wings on a nun's hat in the '50s. how delightful!
Doryce: can you help me with Mardith's trash?

Dirg: the voice of the main character on The Fungies makes me uncomfortable.
Laertus: gotta get over interracial, man. or in this case, intermushroom.
Takahashi: with The Fungies Cartoon Network is making it okay for kids to have NFTs.

Laertus: you know why i love Whoopi Goldberg? her face. she has a warmness to her face, happy grooves to her face that reminds me of my mom.

parklet: i caught Booboo, not Yogi, i put a Band Aid on it and put him in my pocket.

John Mayer: yes my new album is a JoJo reference.

Naomi Osaka: Pavlyuchenkova.........she's never shown on a show court.

Eye Luggage: i got my two pricks.
Dirg: me and Laertus?
Eye Luggage: no my two vaccine jabs.

Kenan Thompson: i played sports before SNL.
Cecily Strong: and i will play sports after, soccer.

Laertus: the return of the Macarena? who decides this?

Doryce: that sinking feeling when you forget to put out the trash.
Gladyce: yes dear but using your spells to create another sinkhole on Earth is not the answer.

Eye Luggage: it's 100 degrees and raining, i mean...

Phoebe Wahl: i am in the walls listening to you at the Friends Reunion.

Fuerza: Luxembourg is a place not on any map. you can only get there if you close your eyes, buckle your knees, and believe in magic.

Madame Pons guides Mardith through Crazy Horse Too in Vegas, Fuerza does the more elegant refined French classical Crazy Horse in Paris:
Madame Pons: remember, Mardith, only go for men who are into Dark Side of the Moon.
Fuerza: no, Air! Air! into Air! we are all into Air! have to be. Air's music.
Turin the horse: and me without my facecheek tassels.

Petr Korda's wife: i am not Steffi Graf.

Bill Maher: yeah college sucks now. i say as i answer a letter and graciously accept an invitation here onto this your bright flowered-and-flagged campus of cramped NYU. i mean you can't sleep with your professors anymore. at least with Scientology you know you're gonna end up sleeping with Tom Cruise. 

horses: why you gotta do the Belmont on Prom Night?

Madame Pons: new Volcom store opening up next to LUSH at the mall, they were here before Power Rangers.

Mardith: all Instagram story videos are the same: pan to the face, pan to the driver of the car, pan back to the face which smirks.

Sloane Stephens: i'm most dangerous when i'm unseeded.

The Pope: i had to go pee which the world says is unladylike. so i became the new CEO of PG&E. i promise to plant more trees.

Boc: i wear my skirt to water the skirts, the lanes of lawn. there's nothing like the smell of wet grass in summer. i spotted a jade stone - a grey stone with a creamy jade center - cut in half with a green eye in the grass my vision is that keen. afterwards i hold the nozzle up to my head, give my face a hit to cool off. 
Gladyce: dear just be careful when you take off your slippery muddy boots, hold onto the stucco wall so you don't trip and fall. this is my 3rd hip, Doryce is on her 4th pelvis.
Doryce: they call me Tom Petty back in the Old Country.

Roger Federer: i have to listen to my body. my body clock. and my biological clock is ticking, it's telling me Chrissie Evert wants to fuck me again. she wants my body this body before it's too late and i can't have a baby anymore.

Mae Martin: i shall continue my journey with my girl Gina and my Gorillaz music.

Gordon Brown: i AM the Gordian Knot!

Thierry Mugler: i wanted to design jeans for crones and the magicless alike.........that's not my cock that's my long black skirt.
Asta: me too but New York muggers got in my way. i don't mind being a muggle but i hurt missing out on all that black magic.

Michael Weiss in bermuda shorts: do NOT go on the Silk Road website, i had to buy the Tony Hawk game the year BEFORE with the bad graphics.

Jon Rahm: i didn't have covid! i can smell my tears!

Mardith wearing a Michael Weiss shirt: Instagram has let women embrace honesty for the first time in their lives, they're posting truthful pics of their real faces, no more acting.

Djokovic: never play your friends. i had too much mousse in my hair. this retirement is not suspicious, i don't play Federer next round, remember?
Federer: ...yes you do. my body is feeling better after Chris Evert. i'm wearing a green visor for the glare not the sportsbook.

Dirg: so everyone's trans now?

Boc wearing a Megan Rapinoe jersey: they have to fit in 100 sporting events the next three months of this summer so each event has their own slot their own week, making sure the weeks don't overlap each other.

Dirg: why Puddle of Mudd and Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers had to betray us and film their videos in Hollywood?

Dirg: i didn't recognize Kat from Noom without her glasses in the second commercial.

Dirg: you can tell the L.A. Instagrams, the ones from Los Angeles are here to entertain you.

Laertus's dad: the gold 5 of Channel 5...

Max Perlich: the greatest thing i ever did was tighten the bolts on all the skateboards used in Gleaming the Cube. speaking of tightening the bolts, it was on that set that i fell in love with Asian women forever.  

Doryce: i mean what is the deal with getting bananas at The Store? there's no room to plop them in a bag and tie a green ribbon around, you're supposed to do this midair like magic? WE NEED AN EMPTY TABLE BY THE BANANAS!!!

Libertad Lamarque: i was the original Statue of Liberty. the suicide attempt always comes when young, if you can survive it - bounce off an awning - you will be the stronger for it and the rest of your life will go swimmingly and steeled.

Bjork: i relocated to Laguna Niguel after the divorce...

Curtis Sittenfeld: yes i am a woman named Curtis. no relation to Jerry. i had to make DAMN sure my Hilary Rodham book was labeled NOVEL, a work of alternate-history fiction, or i would have had the lawyers, Bill Clinton, and Bill Corgan up my ass.
Bill Clinton: fictional rape is a sticky wicket.

Celine: bonjour everyone, welcome back, welcome to France again everyone around the world. oui even too the U.S.A.. but not Ethan Hawke, YOU STAY!!! he can eat carwash sushi the rest of his life.

Celine: come celebrate the crowning of our newest French Open Champions! what could be more perfect? the lovers Sakkari and Tsitsipas BOTH win their finals in the most romantic place on Earth, Gay Paris!!!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Winona Ryder: real life sucks losers dry.........and then the birthing of the Phoenix.
Anton Glanzelius: the small shack greenhouse in my film is the same one in Beautiful Girls.

Eye Luggage: The Turin Horse and go.

N: hi. hi waving hello to you with my Loki handwave. in this upcoming review please do not mention my name. the times are WAY different than when i was born and alive, you can't glorify me or my thinking anymore, it's not edgy and goth it's dangerous. we all know my backstory, how i finally snapped, i was always crazy but i finally snapped. do not dance in the rain for me. shave off that ridiculous mustache it looks like a muskrat. barbers are open again. burn your Marilyn Manson records. thank you and good night from the abyss.

old man: can you refer to me in this upcoming review as Stagecoach Papi?
Turin the horse: you can talk?
old man: one thing don't call me is stableman. i am anything BUT stable. i HATE  being in this movie as you can tell from the expression on my face throughout the film.
Olivia Rodrigo: you're sourer than me, pops. lick the Pop Rocks off my face. 

Erika Bok: underneath the potato sack i wear for the entire film i am a model. do not give me a toothbrush, Dirg. 
Boc: *vigorously shaking Erika's hands underneath her skirt* huge fan.

Dirg: how can a movie with no dialogue be considered the best ever? i mean isn't this just another Kurt Russell Soldier situation?

Bela Tarr: i'm still pissed about that Beauty and the Beast Emma Watson adaptation so i refused all awards for this G.O.A.T. horse film of mine. i'm also angry cos i'm always hungry. the President had the nerve to call my movie horseshit. the president of my country that is. who's a dictator. the La Brea Tar Pits needs more bread. bread to soak up all that tar.

Eye Luggage: that narrator's voice scares me. it comes in to break the silence when you least expect it. his voice is too strong, too forceful, too to-the-point.

old man on stagecoach: what's with the whip?
Turin the horse: my previous owner was into S&M. DON'T FUCKING WHIP ME! DON'T MAKE ME SIC THE CAT FAMILIARS ON YOUR ARM!!! how'd you like it if i whipped you. with a whip.
old man: how'd you think i got my daughter?

daughter: can someone turn off the Air Conditioner outside?

old man: what's wrong with you, horse?
Turin: i've seen things. i'm traumatized. you don't want to go round digging in my past. i promise to eat if you stop stagecoaching.
old man: fine. i'm firing my man anyway i can't afford him, he's gone down to Donkey Island to have some fun with Pinocchio.

Turin the horse: when do i run the Belmont? i'm not going for the Triple Crown, i'm going for the Triple Turin! if you can survive Turin you can make it anywhere!

daughter: it's ready.
old man: what are we having for dinner tonight?
daughter: very funny. eat your one potato for the whole day.
old man: HOT HOT HOT!
daughter: you know how your mouth works? you can blow on the potato even with your beard.
daughter: no, papa! don't remove the skin! THE SKIN IS THE BEST PART!
Turin: brought to you by Keebler's Tato Skins chips.

Mardith: uh, this is creepy, the old man leers at his daughter every time she dresses and undresses him, why does she have to do that he's a grown-ass man. he's looking at her funny.
old man: just making sure she unbuttons my one-piece Waldo pajama-bottoms in order.
Mardith: .........oh now i see, the old man's got a broken arm. too much whipping.
Turin: and weeping.

daughter: staring out this bay window is like being back in San Francisco with my flatscreen mounted on my wall. i am NOT showering in this movie, director!

Laertus: okay when the neighbor barges in for brandy this thing becomes BANANAS!!! i mean your monologue is AMAZING, it goes on for hours! you did this all in ONE BREATH?!!!
neighbor: you see Existentialism is a sticky wicket. on the one hand it is ALL man and the other it is ALL God, but God doesn't exist. if you read between the lines of my long long LONG diatribe against society, institutions and institutionalized institutional things, and life in general, you will see like Star Wars it's a message for EITHER SIDE if they want to use it. is it a diatribe against the elite and a call for more popular Bumpism? or is it a warning not to let outsiders in for they will destroy everything? why is the world so fucked? cos it was always meant to be. will it ever change? not as long as i have this brandy. i am but one man so my opinion doesn't matter.
old man: i didn't hear a word you said but it was all rubbish.

Stevie Nicks: sure, blame the gypsies. they're just having fun.
old man: damn gypsies peed in my water hole! 
Laertus: gotta say, when the gypsies came on screen this thing finally ENLIVENED. i felt livened up, these characters had character with their tassels and talk, they gave me a jolt of energy.
old man: shoo fly shoo, you turned my water into buttermilk! GET OFF MY DIRT LAWN!!!

Stevie Nicks: Lindsey Buckingham, what happened to you?
Lindsey: what do you mean?
Stevie: you're a skeleton! do you want to get back together?
Lindsey: desperately.
old man: pack your things, we gotta go. 
daughter: where?
old man: good point.
daughter: where's my mom?
old man: not now.
daughter: this isn't Promised Neverland you know, we don't have another bomb-shelter church.
old man: what's in your trunk?
daughter: my prom dress. just in case.

daughter: come on, horse, eat. you gotta eat something. don't be anorexic, leave that for me. i mean i don't brush my own hair to brush YOUR hair, my hair is a mess!
Turin: sorry you missed your Prom Night. anorexia isn't a thing yet. 
daughter: why won't you eat?

old man: daughter why are we in complete darkness?
daughter: one of two. either you forgot to pay the electric bill or...
old man: electric bill?
daughter: yeah, coal is dirty, why don't you switch to electric like everyone else on the block?
old man: Elon Musk, he's Hungarian, right?

Jean-Paul Sartre: this is a piss-poor treatment of Existentialism. Existentialism should be glamorous, with people in fur coats and gold boots walking down red carpets riding white horses. 

cicadas: it was us. g'night, folks.

Pat reaches the stable and ninjas past the stableman.
Gina: and her daughter.
Pat unhinges the gate. Turin the Horse flies outta there! spreads his wings and flies like Willy into the ocean of clouds!
Pat: here's your egg fries. wait you had wings the whole time?
Turin: yeah but i needed someone to open the gate. i have hooves.

Mardith takes the stage after her show. she uneasily gazes left to right at her audience of sweaty redfaced fevered men angry that she didn't perform ALL-nude. they violently throw pink bows and pink ribbon at her hooved feet. Eric Erlandson of Hole is also there doing recon for the "Violet" video:

Mardith: we gotta come to grips. mobs of men ain't gonna cut it anymore. Indiana Jones was a pedo. let me tell you something about we girls, we girls don't pine for our exes, we pine for Anthony Bourdain.


Monday, June 7, 2021


me, every twilight hour in the middle of late Saturday night early Sunday morning, after Saturday Night Live was over but before church. mid-2000s or so. on the couch with melted nacho cheese dripping from my ears and gummi worms coming out my zits.

this is when the programmers in their infinite wisdom decided to put new episodes, NEW EPISODES mind you, of Legend of the Seeker and Star Trek: Enterprise on UPN. sleep? who needs sleep! my recorder was broken so yeah it was cool to stay up 48 hours during the weekend, it's not like i had a school or job to go to...

1. what do you have against reality? 

it's like that eloquent comment from the adult swim youtube about Final Space:

yeah but reality doesn't have cat creatures who walk on two legs and talk and crack jokes and cry when they accidentally kill their son's family

2. do you feel you are maintaining a healthy balance between leisure, time for self, career, physical activity, and those you care about?

i mean my butt doesn't look as good as Jennifer Aniston's but i'm getting my vital proteins. i'm a man who does yoga for the actual exercise and meditation. i want a Friends spinoff in which Matthew Perry plays a dentist.

3. what is a fantasy you have you really want to come true?

i want to fuck my best friend's wife.........and since that is never gonna happen i'd settle for her making a cameo in my movie. my existential movie, no nudity, just vignettes of one-on-one conversations about life in cafes, parking lots, and trees.

4. what is the most impulsive thing you have ever done? joined Instagram. it's ruined my life. but it's wonderful.

5. you are being given an all-expense-paid vacation you must leave for tomorrow. considering your current mood, state of mind, feelings---will you take the vacation alone, with a friend, or with family?

i want nothing more in life than to travel the world with my beloved. does all-expense-paid mean i'm going with Alex Trebek and Anthony Bourdain? i mean Pat Sajak is cool but i'd rather go with those two where they're going...

BONUS: how do you feel most of the time? happy? anxious? satisfied? sad?

a combination of Novak Djokovic down the first two sets at the French Open and when Dr. Mark Greene had to say goodbye forever to his soulmate Susan on ER at that train station

Friday, June 4, 2021




* Baffert: i'm baffled

* Chad Norman: please talk to me. in any form.

* Laertus: looks like the trash recycle men and women went on strike, generalized strike like GAD. that's cool, good for them, i support them, i don't mind waiting.
Dirg: the reason everyone's bins along our block are still at the curb today is everyone forgot about Memorial Day, SHAME!!!
Mardith: i hate the word bois

* Danielle Collins: next Mother's Day's gonna be different for me...

* John Legend: hi, we're Chrissy Teigen and her husband. i am here to be the father figure for the country, you can trust me when it comes to vaccines, vacation homes, and Vrbo. i am the nicest man in the world. i mean i'll give you the shirt off my back. i will put your deepest darkest unsung pain in song with my piano. then i'll put it on vinyl and give it to you, one-copy vinyl! this is a hidden-camera show where we reunite people who haven't hugged since the pandemic. like imagine Punk'd but nice. imagine my Super Bowl partner Ashton Kutcher but i was the one hawking Tostitos.

* woman 1: we're doing a podcast.
woman 2: everyone does a podcast. how will we stand out?
woman 1: we'll do it in a garage. it'll be two women. it'll be in San Francisco not the city but the hills.

* you don't have diabetes, you have STRESS

* fat man: hi. have you seen Jake? i'd like to order the quadruple burger.
waitress: you sure?
fat man: i checked my glucose it's fine.........for today.

* with Apple, you won't be tracked by any undesirables. Instagram models with a butt knowing your weight is okay tho.

* i for one join any black man who wears a pink cat sweater in public. more power to you, brother.

* buxom woman in powdered wig: i am gonna faint, that chicken is naked!
urban modern youth: the problem here is not what order the Naked Chicken Chalupa ingredients go down but rather everyone here is wearing a powdered wig. where does this powder come from?
Aristocracy: Chipotle.
youth: exactly. you're flaunting it to be patriarchal and gilded. put that stuff on your face, enter the Visage Nightclub in Florida, and be the first goths to go AGAINST society.
buxom: what came first? the chicken or the egg? the egg cos it's naked.

* Jamie from Progressive: can i PLEASE be in a commercial with McKayla Maroney? she's not old to me still! I'LL BE THE FRISBEE!!!

* it's Invincible but live-action! which is basically Game of Thrones in capes.

* football son: dad, don't make me cry. we're out here on the field in front of my teammates. this is my future.
dad: the best ads make you cry, son, that's part of growing up. you got hands, son.
son: yeah i swap them to fight all my bullies, dad.
dad: you can be a brain surgeon. you don't have to be an athlete unless you own the team.
son: but isn't there just one Michael Jordan?
dad: Jordan got lucky with Kerr and Pax.  

* Charles Barkley: i mean i'm advertising golf now. i SUCK at golf and i'm advertising golf. it's like Glass Joe advertising boxing.

* man: when i dance i sway like Washed Out in "Floating By" and i look like Moral Orel.

* grandma hugging granddaughter: see all the colores in the viento? when you see the trees, the wind, the redwood forests, that is ME in nature form loving you from afar, i am dead, nina.
girl: don't make me cry in front of the plants, vieja, i have a reputation to maintain, i have a hard exterior like this bark.

* Snoop: time is money. money is time. spilt milk on a lottery ticket should still buy an HBCU and playground in the inner city. don't make them all asphalt, make them green.

* damp weight: what happens after the shakeweight. New Age enlightenment in your pubic area.


happy weekend, my babies


MUNDO'S!!! i want to try their sandwiches since forever. ironically for a name like The World the place is so tiny you can't find it on a map, it's littler than a house inside a closet on the wide-open prairie. when you go in you want to start bowling. they have a Mediterranean sandwich that has Italian meats soaked in Venice canal water, brings out the spice.


eight horses? EIGHT HORSES!!! that's how many that Popeye metalclang horse teacup tin electric game has. 

Frances de la Tour: my horse of course of course is France Go de Ina. we named it after how it was conceived upstairs from a Parisian cafe. do not compare my looks. when i was in Turin i saw a very specific horse there which i'll explain next week, this horse left my mind in shatters, it was in this fragile state that i auditioned for Harry Potter when i knew better. there WILL be a Season 3 of Vicious so shut up all you dumb Facebook bitches.


Wednesday, June 2, 2021


Gina: the nuns have staged a riot!
Pat: what do you mean?
Madame Pons: the nuns are fighting for human rights. girl rights more specifically. the right not to shave their armpits like the nuns don't.
Gina: the nuns have taken over our school until the changes are met.
Rosie O'Donnell: guys today after school we are to meet at the YMCA for our swim meet. not necessarily to swim but to meet. i for one ain't swimming, i just want some vending-machine Big League Chew root-beer-flavor.
Madame Pons: the YMCA is offering free childcare, what all nuns want.
Pat: *knocks head* I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT AFTERSCHOOL! what are we gonna do, gang. we have to honor BOTH commitments! 
Gina: the nuns want us to show solidarity with them by being a nun for a week, this week most specifically.
Pat: *finger up to Heaven* i get it. i GOT it! i know what we're gonna do...

Max Kellerman: the schoolyard in the Gin Blossoms song "Found Out About You" is OUR school's yard.

Dirg by the school brownpole: meet local girls in your area? BUT THESE ARE ANIME GIRLS!!!

Dirg: on Instagram you're not allowed to write in the comments what you most want to say:

i want to fuck you

Drew Barrymore: i'm sorry i sent that video to your son, Wilbon.
Wilbon: he's not!

Madame Pons: for most of my girls twitter is their only outlet to tell the world of their rape.
Mardith: it's like that old friend you forgot about cos you were on another platform. you literally forgot they existed and were still living their life you were that busy and distracted. and then summer comes which is the perfect opportunity for both of you to drift away from each other forever...

Dirg: oh, well in My Life As A Dog they FINALLY have an adult blonde Swedish woman! isn't that what Sweden is known for?
Rubikon: Ashley Brewer, works now for ESPN. Mycah Hatfield for Texas.
Dirg: not a kid with bald basketball legs wearing '80s short-shorts with white trim and green hair.
Rubikon: the '60s were different in different countries. remember when you would open the door and the light exposure would ruin the hanging dripping fading pictures?, big trope in '80s sitcoms. and photo albums! WHO REMEMBERS PHOTO ALBUMS?

Rosie at the movie theatre: i prefer nachos with hot gooey orange cheese to popcorn.

Dirg: remember when you had to space out all the trash and recycle bins? no one does that anymore.

Wittle Wove: no time for baby talk, time to run off our sobriety!

Michael Jackson: it's like that little boy in My Life As A Dog, comparison is everything. he only touched my chimp. i mean look at me, i would have been better off studying Comparative Literature.
Gladyce: all men - especially you - need to wash your shirts daily. you use your shirts as rags.
Rege-Jean Page: i will play Michael Jackson for the jillionth time.
cat familiars: we're waiting for the prequel My Life As A Cat cos of course cats were the original ancestors.

Mardith: if you're drinking a Coke before noon ya got problems.

Gladyce: that's when you'll know things are back to normal, when that blinking red light finally gets fixed.

Cecily Strong: Thanksgiving?! THANKSGIVING?!!!
Kenan Thompson: that's a late start even for us, need a WHOLE lotta time to get the brand-new cast up to snuff i mean speed. it's gonna be a COMPLETELY different SNL next season.
Pete Davidson: it's gonna look like Season 6...
Kenan: so you're gonna hang up your jersey? but i'm the one who played sports.
Pete: you didn't play sports, you're fat so people assume you played linebacker. i'm the one who has to be a gymnast superhero villain in a cape.
Kenan: i copied my facial expressions from Eddie Murphy.
Kate McKinnon & Aidy Bryant: no more lesbian teams. just hope they release EVERY SINGLE SEASON of SNL on bluray with extra features and Lorne droning on.

Dirg: in every online ad now you have to stress that you're not creepy, you swear...

Anton Glanzelius: yeah i mean to be honest i don't really give a fuck about Michael Jackson, please stop asking me about him. oh god i remember this music! this was the original Channel 5 movie on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Dirg: when my dad threw a pan at me and it walloped my face at the corner of the couch, i pretended i was Ingemar in My Life As A Dog.

Adrian Grenier: i'm a monk now.
Codrus: farm does not a monk make.
Cotard: can i have your lemur-dog?
Michael Weiss: can i have your Instagram-famous?
Dirg: still don't know if you're fluid or not.

Cruella: put the vaper on my cigarette-holder to achieve maximum throat hit.
Dirg: not talking about a blowjob.

Dirg: i had the biggest crush on Lisa Jakub.
Mardith: so this isn't another yoga-pants situation?
Eye Luggage: i did appreciate her sardonic nature.
Gladyce: i want a Mrs. Doubtfire ovenmitt!!!
Robin Williams: i came up with the idea for Hungry Hungry Hippos at the hungry i Club.

Uber: we thank everyone for getting vaccinated. especially the furries.
Glanzelius: you furries are the Ur.

Dirg: go on any random Instagram DM and type

where's my bitcoin money?!!!

Gladyce: at Denny's they do that thing with the bread, it's somehow thin Texas-toast dipped in a mysterious honey salt.

Eye Luggage: i won't be shamed when i wear my black cobweb bikini this summer.
Dirg: me neither, i'm steppin' out this summer.

in Holland it's called iCarlijn and the girl star is an aspiring speedskater.

the Warriors podcast:
we're just two bros doing what any Golden State Warrior podbros would do, discussing the two hot women leaving the club with Klay Thompson...

Laertus's dad: i took to this film so much, My Life As A Dog. cos all i ever wanted to do was make my mother laugh, too. my mom was the only woman who ever mattered to me.
Anton: my brother in this grew up to be a sniper, on the good and bad sides of the law. the brunette in this has that Winona Ryder quality.
Dirg: how can you tell if it's a girl?
Max Kellerman: Anton wasn't a nervous kid, he just wanted his milk card.
Laertus: and suddenly this turns into A Christmas Story.
Dirg: you can have the leg, i want the glass-tits milk bottle. so does Glass Joe.
Eye Luggage: i remember that long hug the blond uncle gives Ingemar by the train in the snow, that man was so kind to that boy, a beautiful man who used humor to show Ingemar how to get through life gently. curly men up there and down there are always the wisest.
Dirg: never come between a man and his own hot dog. g'night, folks.
Benji: that dog was Benji before Benji!
Jack Tripper: i lived with a large Greek family, too. my life was never made into a movie...
Takahashi: a couch is comfortable. but there's nothing more comforting than falling asleep on the sofa wrapped around hugging your genesis.

Genie Bouchard: gimme one of those gold arrows and i'll air-traffic-control the fuck outta it into the cloud.
Mason Rudolph: please tell me this isn't a fantasy i'm living cos of my concussion. i went to Harward university.

Madame Pons: our newest chamomile candle is called vitaminwater. to make your bathwater more profitable.

Evan Fournier: i make up for my Do Not Google My Last Name with my Greek-god face and Broadway eyes.

Orochimaru: did you like how i made my entrance? it wasn't my usual stuff, it was slinkier than usual, scarier than usual.

Dirg: the pandemic is over and the first group that comes out in droves are the fucking spammers.

Codrus: the Sinead O'Connor thing? wasn't me.
Laertus: sports is used as a shield to make dorks look like jocks. especially at ESPN.
Max Kellerman: i know that's why i'm a rapper. a hip-hopper.

Laertus's dad in Japan: The Smashing Pumpkins, Abuelita, top ramen. i've lost the taste for all three.
Dirg: you ate your own grandma?

Brian Austin Green: look at my face in these newest pictures, i am not a happy man.

Streetlight Records: Santa Cruz Amoeba but on an island.

Uncle Sigh the horse: if the Belmont really wanted to horse-backkick a man when he's down they would have banned Bob Baffert's horse AFTER it won Kentucky and the Preakness!
Doryce: i understand you.

Cotard: i'm worried about you, brother, you're still not sober?
Codrus: no i went to the Sobor.........but yes i'm a drunk but that's a separate matter.

Federer: i will be at the Olympics. i met Mirka at the Sydney Olympics and hope to meet her in Tokyo for the first time.

Oracle and Robin: the space in Space House is purple like Regular Show
Mordecai: same timeslot as Regular Show, too. Monday at 6PM. the nostalgia of the '80s nostalgia is killing me! late cartoons.
Dirg: you could tell they got notes not to make the girls' nighties too sexy, couldn't show any leg, all the girls needed to wear pants to bed.

Eye Luggage: summer scares the undead daylights out of me.

Dirg: i had my chance. i had my chance to enter a violet Buddha sauna and i blew it.
Mardith: you have much to learn, boy.

Naomi Osaka: see? SEE? see what i mean? Kvitova, hello!

Max Kellerman: we're getting a new library at the school, they're taking out a wall and calling it the Human Library.

Karen O'Leary: Wellington dove into the paranormal cos the political situation is good for now.
Angela Kang: i come from a tradition of horror. i was the girl with the good long hair over my face running back into the tv.
Nina Moran: hey we're bringing skateboarding back! the millennials buried it.
Teddy Perkins: we were doing Teddy Ruxpin for the crazy now times.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Jamie Lee Curtis: my swimming story in Perfect and the swimming theme in Mermaids, same thing happened to me, young girl gets enamored with an older man...

Eye Luggage: Mermaids and go.
Laertus: strange tho, Mermaids is ostensibly about the swimming stuff, but the swimming stuff is very much in the background, the little girl's Olympic designs are pushed to the curb, even in this Olympic year.
Eye Luggage: okay the mermaid theme, with all three women of the clan. Christina Ricci is the symbolic mermaid as the tiny go-getter swimmer. Cher dresses up as a mermaid babe queen for Halloween, but how is Winona Ryder a mermaid? yes, her sexual awakening, growing a tail like sperm. 

Takahashi, Rubikon, and Tyzik: is this an '80s movie or a '90s movie?...

Tyzik: where's my Tylenol? had my second shot...

Cher: i was adept at playing mothers back then. i had to tone it down for this one after Mask. but i was actually the exact same mother here as the one in Mask only with classic cars instead of hogbikes and i wasn't saddled with a disfigured son who was doomed in this callous zero-sum world.

Emily Lloyd: um, Cher? i almost committed suicide cos of you. which i later learned was perfect for this part. this was to be my breakout-star performance, but you complained a raven woman such as yourself would never have a blonde kid like me. the problem could have easily been fixed with a dye job! but you kicked me off the set! i struggled like Naomi Osaka in silence. it's all ironic cos your last name in this is Flax.

Winona Ryder: i was having quite the little run, quite on a roll! a seeded french roll! Heathers, Edward Scissorhands, Mermaids. and Goth Queen of the Nineties! and fucking Johnny Depp when he was still brooding and not a creep!

Christina Ricci: imagine if i had not been cast in this. i wouldn't have a career now. i grow up to be the girl in Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. thank goddess i had raven-black hair in 1990!

Lasse Hallstrom: after My Life As A Dog i was feeling invincible! i could make ANY film now! i directed Lassie the dog! so yeah if i had done this film as the original director i would have had Winona Ryder commit suicide at the end. of COURSE she commits suicide in the end, i mean i'm Swedish, what do you expect?

Frank Oz: i clashed with Cher and Winona cos i wanted them to do the whole movie with handpuppets mouthing the lines.
Bos Hoskins: i would have been okay with this, i was coming off Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Michael Schoeffling: i am still alive today. cos i knew which way the wind was winding. teen heartthrobs never make it to adulthood. especially when they perform statutory rape on film.
Mardith: so we're just gonna ignore the statutory rape and say it was hormones and a teen girl's crush? can't unshuffle the deck.

Paula Plum: my husband did it in the Conservatory with the baby grand piano.

Jan Miner: Madge was a nun, that's why i always told you to keep the inside of your nails clean. that's not a production error that's me the nun wearing my wedding ring, in the '60s in the Heartland nuns could marry priests.

Madame Pons: never be a friend to your daughter, be a parent, i'm learning that with you, Mardith.
Takahashi: i love those long cars with the wheels SO DAMN BIG they're like captain ship's wheels!
Laertus's dad: back in the day when my dad rubbed his hands and stutter-laughed.

Winona: you gotta admit this was different, what attractive 15-year-old girl wants to be a nun? desires to be a nun at that age? see it wasn't so much the religion as the ritual of it, the decadence of Catholicism, the glitter gold cups and bowls, the green robes, the majesty of the Mass, that's attractive to a plain Jewish girl.

Winona: i have anxiety like Naomi Osaka and Molly Qerim.
Rubikon: there's no shame for a black man to attend therapy. i had to go to therapy after the shocking death of The Line.

man: did the Earth move for you?
Cher: no but the car did. what are the rims amd struts on this puppy of a classic car?
man: she's not the other woman, she's my wife.
Cher: oh yeah i forget cos she's not onscreen.

Winona: can i be into Catholicism without being a nun? i kinda want to try sex. in the future.

Cher: this one wants to be a one cares about swimming, we only care about Michael Phelps's depression.

Winona: well that's a convenient convent. complete with a musclely gardener trying to atone for his many torrid sins. i won't help him in that department, he is not going to Heaven.
Cher: why are all bosses assholes? why do all bosses flaunt their secretary fucks?

Laertus's dad: okay i must say something about the bus trip, i had that EXACT SAME experience. when i moved for the last two years of high school i transferred from the beautiful urban city tiny streets to the long dusty boring scary roads of the country, i did junior and senior year at a farm not a school. the bus rode to the school with just me in the back of the LONG-ASS bus and the busdriver, with 47 seats between us. i NEVER once talked to the busdriver cos he had cheese in his beard. 
Winona: this one-student one-census policy ends up with this situation where the child has to go to school so there needs to be one busdriver for one student. it ends up being a private chauffeur over romantic bumps and hills. 

Dirg: WHAT?!!! a little girl wearing a live pumpkin head?!!! this proves Hollywood is Satanic.
Jamie Lee Curtis: the Halloween in this is strangely familiar... 

Schoeffling: let's not talk about football that's boring. let's talk about thinking on lakes. thinking on a lake not fishing on a lake.
Winona: that's where my mermaid stuff comes in. 

Bob Hoskins: what's with all the tinfoil and trees in this movie. i hate trees! why was i cast in this! i am not handsome enough to be a leading man. charming sure but not handsome. i got that British mischief in my eye, you look at me licking my lips and you're not sure if i'm a predator or just English.

at the shoe shoppe:
Jan Miner: Bundy? of course i got big feet, i played football in high school that's why i'm a nun today. am i pregnant? yes i'm a mother. if you don't follow catechism i'll catch you in my ball like a Pokemon.

Cher: why did i make love to you?
Bob: i brought you bagels. plain bagels. i have a zest for life i'm English. i speak plainly. what if i bought you a new cherried-out cherry-red convertible?
Cher: i'd leave you in it. i'd leave you for it.

Anton: i recognize that watchtower. same one my brother used at the college.
Dirg: oh those gargoyles staring at Charlotte with their cobweb eyes! this ain't no bandstand. they are the demons of Satan warning her and all soft supple young girls never to have sex and ruin your suppleness. save those lady loins for the farms.
Mardith: see it's quaint here cos she thinks she got pregnant from a kiss. from the unbuttoning of her pajama-dress by a caretaker. it becomes creepy and sketchy when these two later ACTUALLY do have sex in the watchtower. 

Lucio: remember those parent-teacher conferences in Catholic school at night? where they served finger sandwiches made of ice cream? mermaid underwater theme for all dances.

Cher: you have to eat something, daughter.
Winona: but i'm a hungry ghost, a goth. i read a pamphlet that said i was birthing myself.
Cher: New Age doesn't exist yet! we're still in the time when baseball was America's pastime! people actually CARE about the World Series! Sarah Spain did not own the Sox.

Gobnait in the garden: someone eat my honey. 

gardener: there are no Stones here, only rocks in my head. and a stone cult in the garden. the Devil danced on my head and turned me into a legal woman.

Laertus: Dirg have you ever run away from home?
Dirg: yes but never was i served breakfast.
Winona: that family was of course The Addams Family without makeup.
Cher: you could have been chopped up in little pieces by the side of the highway! the only good here is i now chop faster than Martin Yan. Martin Yan will be a recurring David Letterman character.

Amber Tamblyn: remember me? cos i don't. i was Joan of Arc in real life.

doctor: i am not Bill Cosby. why did you think you were pregnant? you're a virgin.
Winona: why are doctors in this era so cold and move so fast? when this gets a reboot you will be replaced by a female gynecologist and the waiting room will be lavender. it's just not fair you can tell if a woman is a virgin, but boys don't have cherries they can lie!

Schoeffling: why are you dressed in your mother's dress heels and lipstick?
Winona: cos i'm 15 years old.
Schoeffling: so we're really doing this? i know this is of-the-time and normal but still.
Winona: is it weird we're trying to fuck the JFK Assassination out of our minds so we won't have that unpleasant memory in our heads ever again?
Schoeffling: i love how you comfort.
JFK: remember when the President was just The President and not The Democrat President?

Winona: why'd you kiss him?
Cher: he told me he likes star sandwiches, he's into something called video games, very early technology.
Christina Ricci: hey mom why don't you have soup that's stars! star soup, star sandwich!
Cher: it was just a little New Year's peck. then he changed my oil.
Winona: i hate years!

Lucio: Carlo Rossi, jug wine, only my uncle Carlo makes jug wine, jug wine doesn't taste like any other wine. 

Winona: i'm sorry you almost drowned, Christina Ricci, i was just about to orgasm when you fell in the water, very symbolic. btw don't you know how to swim?

nuns: we always save the day and nobody gives a fuck.

Cher: i was trying to slap the fuck out of Winona hard but it slipped.
Winona: why didn't you have a wedding photo so i could see what my father looked like? and then maybe i wouldn't be going after older men and sun gods to replace him.
Cher: i had a photo of him but someone opened the darkroom door.

Winona: my "boyfriend" gardener went back to California to grow weed. i became the tramp of the school when i all i wanted to be was the Heather of the school. waiting for those electronic postcards to kick in.
Cher: you still drive like an old nun.
Winona: Greek mythology...
Cher: only if you have a big wedding. sing Mamma Mia for me right now, this is your audition, i'm auditioning you right now around the dinner table as we dance.

Eye Luggage: unpopular opinion: that dance at the end went on WAY too long. i know you have to fill time but still. 
Laertus's dad: i missed all the Orion films having a childhood.
Lasse Hallstrom: i ended up directing Moral Orel...

Mardith: so at the end of this nothing actually gets resolved.
Madame Pons: such is life, my child, such is life. g'night, folks.

at the YMCA:
Pat: i don't know what to do! i mean this is the first time the YMCA has a Sky Pool!
Rosie: that is WAY too scary for me! and i love heights! in the heights.
Pat: wait i know, everyone wear these habits they're like skintight swimcaps.
Pat, Gina, Max, and Rosie dive into the water at the same time holding hands which means they jump into the water hard like an aborted dove.
Pat: see? we all dive in wearing nun cassocks like one-piece swimming suits. we wimple the waves. our cornettes are our wings! like we're flying in the water! we wear our lappets as we do laps.

Justine: i wear my hennin in the pool. g'night, folks.