Monday, August 10, 2020

TMIT: ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS OIL



now that's watercolor

oil's well that ends oil

i was gonna go with Oil That And A Bag Of Bips and then riff on the word yips in celebration of Cal taking home the PGA, but...

i am so proud of my Cal Golf Team. i was never golf, always tennis, and yet i feel a deep connection. despite not graduating. i miss my true homes so much! i need to get back there! my Van Nuyses, my Encinos, my Berkeleys. Alvarado Street IS the Telegraph Avenue of Central! 

1. how do you know if you are connecting with another person? they unblock me

2. to be beautiful means...

...ask John Mayer. remember? he had that one tweet that was like the best tweet John Mayer ever did where he was riffing searching for a lyric and he came up with this thing about how like a girl the girl that is most beautiful is the one who thinks she's not beautiful or something like that

3. do you spend a lot of time keeping up with what is going on?

i wish i didn't have to but i do. research. research for my stories...

4. true or false: you feel that your friends have more rewarding experiences in their lives than you.

true. but remember, Instagram's not real.

5. during covid19 pandemic do you feel more swamped  by your responsibilities than before the pandemic? before it was easy. before 9/11 i mean. Macy Gray's "I Try" was the last song for all of us, the last time we would breathe in the clean fresh street air of the Age of Halcyon Innocence. let it wash over us like a warm draped hotelroom highrise-suite lightbulb. before the world began its steady decline from which it will never trend upwards again. now there are too many things to remember. i have to keep remembering that John Mulaney's true passion was always music and that's why he's the lead singer of fun today. i have to keep remembering to feed Swamp Thing now, before the rona i just let him eat me.    

BONUS: what's on your mind?

this thing's never gonna end huh...






Friday, August 7, 2020

CUP OF CHARLIE





notes:

* have you scrolled a youtube comments section lately? white people are TERRIFIED of not being at the top of the totem pole on Earth anymore. they are spazzing out, they can't psychologically handle it that they're not the big race anymore. everything in the world is a deep Illuminati plot designed specifically to eradicate them. as if they're that special to pay attention to in the first place. but don't worry, they got Jesus and the children on their side. their arguments are the droolings of some Aryan child choking on its pacifier in the foxwoods. here's the kicker: and then they without any guile actually follow stars thinking their against-the-grain alt-right edginess will be attractive to Hollywood actresses and starlets. it is fucking HILARIOUS. and i'm white!

* idiot youtube mob: why didn't fun in their video for "Some Nights" go against the Hollywood grain and have the Confederacy win the Civil War?
Charlie Chaplin: oh i don't know, maybe cos nobody wants to be associated with a loser?

* idiot youtube mob: you're a Nazi sympathizer! and yet somehow you're ALSO a communist!
Phoenix: how's that work?
Charlie: the same way Trump cucks think they're edgy.

* idiot youtube mob: what does this have to do with coffee?
Charlie: you're right, you especially should try tea.

* idiot youtube mob: WE'RE THE REAL HEROES FOR POINTING THIS OUT WHEN NO ONE ELSE WOULD!!!!!!!!!!

* the smog highlights the prettiness of the sunset...

* HBO has transformed Sesame Street into The Birds...

* human beings USED to be like that

* Andre Agassi: my wife and i were having problems in bed. this product saved our marriage! made me blow my top!
Steffi Graf: no, dear, this isn't for Hawaiian cruises...

* female shepherds choose Lavazza.
girl: i was an ordinary girl. in this fucked-up world. but i stepped into a Cult Taco and drank their coffee. suddenly i get an Instagram DM from Skrillex telling me to meet him in Sweden...

* the Earth USED to be able to provide for everyone. 
Bubblegum Crisis girls: please let's not do that again.
Trader Joe: i'm the only outpost on the planet that still sells coffee. we only got the red coffee...

* Mulder: i drank Lavazza and stopped dribbling. so the aliens cleared the cornfields to make huge murals of little girls?

* Scully: where's Sam!!?

* before the cornfields turn to clouds! quick, swim in that pool before the skateboarders get there! get the last mint truck on the lot!

* that black woman should definitely be the new Athena for the Olympics next year...

* so that ALL may fuck! not just the covid-party kids but those freaky grandmothers at Bakers Square!

* Charlie: oh forget it, humans. just learn to fly! start over! on another planet! all the doves have already flown away anyway! 

* make the streets safe for Naked Athena to roam again!

* for all love! even the love of ballet! for pre-Hamilton Lin-Manuel! make Siamese Twins also a dance move!

* Charlie: i've waited all my life! how much longer must i wait! when will humans take the next step! ! AM READY FOR BICENTENNIAL MAN!!!

* Charlie: OKAY! not quite Major Motoko but i like the six-hands human, very Indian.

* not falling foam, actually the brown ash cascading from the erupting volcano...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: just to stick it to historical losers i'm gonna try the neapolitan pizza. it's just like pizza. cept for all the cloves of capers everywhere. cos it was made at a seaside village or something. i'm just in it for the square cheese.   





Wednesday, August 5, 2020

SAX, PLAY US OUT: IN A WORLD WHERE GRANDPARENTS ARE FORGOTTEN...



Boc: i've been doing some deep thinking lately.

Cotard: that's good...

Germane: sorry don't mean to step on any toes but the question was addressed to me...

Boc: more of an observation. one morning i woke up in this building and i just snapped. but in a good way. i started loving nature again. i got excited at the sight of a hose where the water pressure is too high and it goes crazy flailing up and down a circle path like a catatonic snake who just got its first whiff of freedom air. i like the idea of turning brown green. a lawn that's just a pile of brown dirt turns dark brown with the application of water.

Dirg: whatever you do don't application to any of those Eastern Seaboard colleges, they're useless in life...…...i mean zoom classes don't count, there's no atmosphere...where's the experience, where's the light my fire?...

Takahashi: not in the blue light of an HP laptop... 

Germane: yeah but remember to cover more ground by twisting on the nozzle with all those lovely holes like a cribbage set first to the hose, not after while you're looking at it, you'll just swallow a lot of water and look like an idiot dog. i've already set up the hose on the roof garden, no extra charge on your water bill for helping around the complex.

cat familiars: we use the hose when we garden, but we twist a faucet on it first.

Cotard: reminds me of Nice Guys orange trees circa 1985. i'd water all the ones in a waterfall in the monastery when i was still a novitiate and the monastery was still a RadioShack. what boots are you using? i tried to get mine at the Five Guys mall but they only had women's boots and mens slippers.

Boc: you need boots to do this? eh, i'll just wrap two kitty-litter clear plastic bags around my heels with shoelaces. it's quite meditative out there, the act is brilliantly contemplative, i think i'll stay out there for 30 minutes...

Dirg: OH COME ON!!! THAT IS SO CHEAP!!! you see what they did on one of the last episodes of Bubblegum Crisis 2040? they had the big titan flying statue of the naked woman carved in space stone and milky alabaster hold her arms up in an X to cover her breasts. just show the tits, it's anime, that's what we're here for!!!

Takahashi: that speech tho. reminded me of someone:

what is love? it's that strongest of feelings, that strongest passionate urge and emotion when you have it bad for someone who's taken. you know you should just walk away but you can't...

Madame Pons: *big sigh* there's nothing like a morning dump. clears the chakras.

Mardith: *big sigh* now see this is what i'm talking about, miss. i mean look at your Tinder profile. it says

i want to be alone...

Dirg: see that thing when you start hanging out with a girl on Instagram and then the girl's boyfriend starts following you on Instagram...

Mardith: i see that thing where people photoshop their faces onto Beyonce or Jay-Z for inspiration, to place themselves in their dreams...

Mardith: you need a good video that shows where your priorities lie. what your beliefs and feeling are. of a woman in a red dress barefoot on a beach. and the narrator under her a woman with a man's voice...

Mardith: and a nice quote in your profile.

Pons: be the change you want to see in the world...

Mardith: that's sugar. be the energy you want to attract...

President Bump: holy smokes! Felicia Combs's ass is so stellar she carries not one but TWO phones in each of her ass-cheek jean pockets. Isaias, i mean what the fuck. that is the MOST difficult-to-pronounce hurricane in my army of all time. who comes up with these names, the Mexican drug cartel? i hate when hurricanes are busts, i hate busts in my life...

Pat: so we all had an assignment. get the most unique food or drink item we could find from the craziest out-there local-flavor indie alternative Rasputin store on a hill. here's mine: octopus pot.

Takahashi: mine is not so much a coconut as a car. a new car: meet my Old Glarus!

Dirg: i got jupiter balls at Whole Foods. i checked for bugs in that place first. both kind of bugs.

Takahashi: uh, that's not a food. that's a lawn ornament.

Dirg: this thing where all the youtubers date all the other youtubers...…...it's incesticide!!!...

Ivana Chubbuck: i'm here...…

Dirg: that's very good. who are you supposed to be?

Ivana: i'm the acting coach. kindly direct me to the Orchid Girls headquarters.

Dirg: you mean room. what i wouldn't give to spend the night there. it's right over...

Laertus: *slaps Dirg's fist* yeah don't listen to him anymore. don't ask him for directions, he's a man. over there.

Dirg: great song, great cause.

Dirg: acting, aye? like coronavirus. like love.

Ivana: i won't be swallowing any cum for bucks. i can already tell what you want from your eyes, i'm that empathic.

Dirg: please be my chum chum.

Ivana: i'm not an acting coach, i'm a theatre coach. spelled -re. i plan to be the Old Guard Orchid once the girls get settled in their posts for life. 

Mardith: may i follow you on Instagram?

Ivana: i don't have an Instagram, dear, i have a life.

Mardith: *starry-eyed* that is so cool.

Bump: um...?

Ivana: no.

Halee Mason: Orchid Girls?

Eye: no, Dirg, don't touch her, that's not a gaming chair, she's a scientist...

Pons: i took a morning dump at Whole Foods and let me tell ya. well do you blame me with all that quinoa?! it was so lush. my bottom was in bliss! i swear to you the toilet seat over there is pure naugahyde.

Laertus: America is living in an actual living breathing dystopia right now. not with the dramatic flourishes of 1984, but with the pangs and the aches at the edges.

Dirg: i went to Cult Taco but they wouldn't serve me.

Takahashi: cos you left that harsh google review of them where you accused them of trying to copy Telegraph Avenue.

Dirg: couldn't have been worse than that review i left of the Obec Pipe Shoppe:

i use your products at the graveyard. put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Takahashi: you typed to the bagel kiosk to ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!!! 

Dirg: yes i did. yes i sure did. of course i did. i mean what's the point of being in a mall!!!?

Cotard: my teen angst lasted forever.

Pons: oh i saw some glisteningly beautiful stained-glass at Prim Brinton's, Tibetan Window Shop, perfect for a tea shop!

Mardith: do you think cute guys like to eat mod podge? i know i do sometimes, i'm obsessed with my weight. wish i weren't but a girl's mind is a beast. i can't get my brain to change the subject.

Dirg: focus on the explosions in the world, girl, not your own.

Vacc: Mardith, invite the man over for some of your cooking, the way to a man's heart is his stomach. i get that all the time from my patients when they don't want to pay my pill bills. organic food suggestions i'm flooded with instead of pills grown in nature.

Mardith: oh i know, that's how girls flirt, they say they'll cook something for him. 

Cotard: what the fuck is wrong with Bevmo!!? i thought it was a place to find rare unique drinks, like Swiss-Chocolate Java-Monster, i'm not here for 19 Crimes!!!

Dirg: go to Home Depot for all your Halloween needs!!!

Dirg: there's no pickle emoji? i coulda sworn there was! 

Takahashi: now how will you document your progress to your Instagram followers?

Dirg: what's this thing where around the globe everyone posts pics of their families all smoking from the same collective hookah?...

Mardith: do you long for the collectivism part or the family part?

Doryce: so? how was it?

Gladyce: heavenly, dear. on the shelf at Trader Jane's! best-tasting noodles i've ever eaten!

Naruto: told ya. ramen, believe it. you know what the secret ingredient is? mustard. put mustard on your noodles. why do you think i have yellow hair?

Gladyce: sauerkraut as a meal?

Doryce: i so would. The Store subliminally makes you buy stuff, there's a gigantic titan-sized pile-stand, a literal hill of beans, baked-bean cans for miles, by the deli. and what's up with all the s'mores stuff? the marshmallows, the skewers, the out-of-almond chocolate bars, the used lighters, I HATE S'MORES!!!

Dirg: i went to the liquid zoo to drown my sorrows. drowned instead.

Mardith, looking askance at the Instagram photos on her scroll: the spirit healer empath down in Miami makes plastic-surgeon money???!!!

Mardith: right guy, wrong situation. see?, we get this feeling, too.

Dirg: roll to me, pretty baby.

Madame Pons: NO DON'T!!!

Gladyce: oh dear, how long do you have to "lightly shake" the Orangina sparkling can?

crones: we went to the Ordway Obec Drug Store for the vaccine.........the Cosentyx vaccine...

Laertus: that place has those weird indoor stone stairs that hit you right in the face as you open the entrance door.  

Gladyce: it's always hard to find in the House cupboard what you just bought the day before that first day back after the grocery haul...

Dirg: sorry but i'm an artist. i won't apologize for that. NO FAIR, MUSTARD DHL VAN!!! you get to blow your horn, you get to sound your backup siren as you back out of a crowded parking lot, not like the rest of us who have to scrimp and save enough space to get the fuck outta there!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: 12 Oz Mouse, that was a classic line they used. DAMN DAMN DAMN from Good Times.

Daym Drops: contrary to popular belief...

Rubikon: did you see the absolute unfettered genuine not-an-ounce-of-jadedness look on Daym's face when he got not one but TWO Whoppers? 

Naruto: the TOPAZ from Bubblebum Crisis? same as the one from 12 Oz Mouse. i have a crush on Nene...

Eye: Palm Springs and go...

Vanilla Ice: Vanilla Sky, not about me hanging from a rooftop...

Laertus: HAD NO IDEA this would be a time-loop movie. thought it'd be about two frat guys crashing a covid party. i swear when they started to replay the scene i thought i was going crazy, thought the quarantine had finally done me in.

Dirg: Jena Friedman...

Laertus: stop right there. she's the perfect girl for you cos she's the enemy. it would never work out cos she'd challenge you at every turn, every thought, every comeback, every riposte, every skin you wore, every hat you wore. and make jokes about you she'd try out on stage. you'd be her material, you'd be the butt of her success. she will always be too good for you, she's beautiful inside and out.

Dirg: and her little dog, too. i mean Daisy's bartender vest, you know? the new look for covid summer! i just want her to pass me a glass of milk. what's the point of a bartender vest? to catch spilled drinks?

Eye: Cristin Milioti.

Laertus: good to see voice actresses getting their due shine!

Eye: okay but for the whole movie i thought she was Christina Perri as well.

Dirg: Andy Samberg can act? i mean drama. 

Laertus: my dad has a birthday and Berkeley connection to him. they're birthday boys!

Dirg: when they were around the campfire looking at the stars, what exactly was i supposed to be seeing?

Codrus: Tree of Life titan dinosaurs...

Dirg: see?, there's no love. female infidelity causes earthquakes. ooooh, Tyler Hoechlin, we don't talk about 7th Heaven in polite company... 

Eye: it's not the shower, it's the eyes...

Dirg: he makes me howl, but i blame him for the baseball season ending. J.K. Simmons.

Laertus: everybody's got an Irvine. that's where Spider-Man finally melted...

Dirg: ...when he took off his mask to play the kettle drum...

Eye: Jacqueline Obradors!!! MAMACITA!!! where have you been my bodacious babe! since everyone now turns in their police badge and shuns their cop past...

Dirg: motorcycling hog gilfs make the best lovers. cos they're seasoned, they're experienced. squibs are those insects that glide along the surface of a pond. fuck all you nerds!!! i knew Clifford V. Johnson BEFORE this film!!!

Eye: Conner O'Malley, who knew? and of couse he HAD to mention Michigan...

Vanilla Ice: i'd rather watch Bill Murray have a drinking problem. g'night, folks.

Boc: got a paring knife in an envelope addressed to me slipped under my door?

Germane: no that was a letter-opener.

Boc: i'm on the edge all the time.

Germane: don't waste water.

Boc: but it's meditative...you lose yourself...sense of time goes out the window...

Germane: speaking of, don't stay too long up there cos the neighborhood kids below will start to think you're peeing on their heads...










Monday, August 3, 2020

TMIT: CHATTING UP GRACE CHATTO



1. it's okay if you don't wear any ___

FUR! NEVER WEAR FUR!!! ANYONE!!!

2. what on earth are you here for? Costco ChickenBakes. btw if you see a bigbox bulk fucking crate of VANQUISH on a pallet over there by the vacuum dropsondes let me the fuck know! 

3. what has been the best day of your life? 

when the cats whispered today in my ear that grandma was gonna be okay

the day i got off this doomed rock on my spaceship

that Christmas i got the Nintendo greybox. see it's not any one specific day but a feeling. it's any summer Saturday evening in 1985. we go to the YMCA, making sure to pack the slippers with the tag still on them, the rubber-duckie ring, and those greentint goggles that always filled up with water on first contact and made me look like a tax boy. will this be the weekend i finally learn to dive? the family arrives just as the sun is setting upon the mint tile of the electric doors, leaving a last glint on the rearviews in the parking lot. towel covering our faces but we know the way by heart, we know which stairs to take to the pool. and we do family fun free swim for an hour, just to get soaked, just to get wet, just to dunk our heads a minute. i stay underneath by the jets, that's a feeling i will never duplicate in my life.  i find the two missing red rings down at the corner i don't tell my whistling instructor about, i stuff them in my pants which are now balloon shorts. the slide is broken but i use it anyway, two more bolts slathered in foamy backwash fly to the tile above. 

and afterwards, we quickly dry off in the stalls, hop in the car, do a round of minigolf at Magic Castle by artificial lawnlight, and get home in time for the newest episode of Small Wonder whilst i eat a pepperoni pizza with yellow rice as topping i secretly phone-numbered to Domino's in the kitchen while my parents weren't looking so i could have it all to myself. me and my imaginary cat at the time in the '80s i always wanted under the sofa.

it's the little things.

4. are you ordinary or extraordinary? why?

extraordinary. cos Clean Bandit. i mean i like my women bold. for Grace Chatto to deliberately set her lifepath to be the girl who plays cello for a living is aces in my book. and not just cello, electric cello. i mean there are only two electric cellos in the world and one of them is in Weird Al's garage.

5.. how do you want to be described by your friends?

they wanted to roast me but knew i was too delicate for it

BONUS: after a breakup would you rather be alone or surrounded by friends?

surrounded by enemies roasting me. but only if Stefon shows up sows up and stows up






Friday, July 31, 2020

PARKER CAN'T LOSE






notes:

* you know i just realized this now. i get asked the eternal question, as does everyone in Encino and Edmonton: what celebrity do you look like? for years i've been going with Drake BUT YOU KNOW WHAT!? i really do look like Eric Andre! need the haystack hair but i'm right there.

* Parker: so how's the new job going? have people warmed up to the new Jake?
Jake: um, yeah...i mean not really...i don't read the comments anymore...
Parker: i do. people warmed up to me instantly and i'm new.
Jake: yeah we all know why...…...it's your jeans, i need those jeans...

* Jake: you know you're in trouble when a girl brings a bag that's bigger than her.
Parker: like my car? i bought the car AFTER i bought the bag to match...
Jake: when you said we'd be platonic roommates i didn't know know you meant you'd park that car in the middle of my living room.
Parker: hence my name.

* Jake: are you an actor?
Parker: fourth wall, dude.
Jake: no it's just you do that thing where you point with both hands clasped touching fingers in a triangle like everyone in Hollywood does...

* Jake: pepperoni pockets, is that code for sex?
Parker: no. they're pizzas with pockets on the side so you don't miss any drop of grease.
Jake: atomic brownie, code for sex?
Parker: that's Trump's gift to the Japanese PM this coming Christmas party at the White House...
Jake: cuckoo crustees? is that code for sex?
Parker: that's fried bird. figured cos you're the bird guy...

* Jake: you're supposed to be my live-in girlfriend and THIS is the art you contribute to the place!?
Parker: what? those are my subway routes. 
Jake: no wonder it never gets delivered on time!

* Jake: you know i could just order Papa Chano's from GrubHub.
Parker: now THAT is code for sex.

* i watered my lawn for the first time in ages. felt so sorry for that pile of dirt in the middle of summer. is it a good sign when your plants shake your hand? trying to screw on the nozzle i now know how a drinking dog feels. are you supposed to take headache medicine everyday? i helped my mom with her velcro shoulder strap. all i'm saying is just make everything doublesided velcro...

* who's Joe's VP gonna be? let's make a deal: Oprah gives Trump her old show and...

* the hurricane: is it a thing or is it not a thing? these are the questions on the Florida schools entrance exam. whatever the answer, the school this question is answered in will be open...

 
happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: following along with the burger theme, it's gonna be McDonalds again. why? see i've never done that thing where you take the beige paper Big Mac box, leave the burger in one side, bend the lid over, put the fries in the lid. i've never eaten two-way like that in all my years of existence on this flying rock.





Wednesday, July 29, 2020

SAX, PLAY US OUT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, YOU SON OF A BITCH



Gladyce: 3 minutes on high for the Stouffer's, THREE minutes...

Mardith: Naked Athena! finally revealed! 

Madame Pons: see? she's a beautiful brave sex worker. helping her fellow man. with woman. helping her greater Portland community...

Dirg: ohhhhhhh, so THAT's why Portland is always so chill...

Laertus: they could never touch my Eye! she'd just bat back those rubber bullets with her hammer!

Pons: i could never compete. 

Mardith: aw don't feel sore, you're never too old for sex.

Dr. Vacc: too right. that's the number-one complaint from my patients lately.

Mardith takes out her chastity cage from her Catholic-schoolgirl plaid green dress pocket.

Dirg: oh god that is ghastly. THIS is what women's lib has wrought! unseemly! a fucking chastity belt for cocks!!!

Madame Pons is overcome wth embarrassment, showing beet-red on her cheeks.

Madame Pons: oh my i think i'm getting the blushing vapors! i guess i'm older than i thought i was! IS THAT METAL!!!?

Eye Luggage: *making the metal-music devil's-horns with her fingers* damn straight it's metal!

Pons: YOU GAVE THIS TO HER!!!

Vacc: *making the Neil deGrasse Tyson hands* no it wasn't me, i swear! i'm one of the few unique members of society who won't lie to you during this critical time. in fact i was gonna play psychologist without a degree and offer that it's not so much sex my patients seek but companionship from the two-year touchless loneliness...

Laertus: not all touchless is good. 

Vacc: how's it going with you and your special secret fellow?

Mardith: still haven't cultivated, culled, and curated the perfect words for him.

Vacc: *striking his stroked chin* how about...instead of i want to fuck you...just say to him: 

i want you

Mardith: simple. yet severe! you're a genius, doctor! oh god that sounds so Companiony, i'm trying to avoid that in my life.

Vacc: glad to help. never thought i'd have such a conversation with a girl in my life...…...never trained to be a pediatrician...

Gladyce: here you go dear, the eyebright you summoned for. forgot if it was for your practice or you wanted practice. word of caution: side effects: loss of hearing...

Vacc: what? joke. hair in my ears. don't worry, i'll be Mister Rogers with a blind girl over fish...

Vacc hands the crones a silver brasier full of water...

Vacc: it's a portable fireplace on legs!!!

Dirg: i thought you were black. on account of all the fist emojis you use on your Instagram. 

Boc: no, i just really believe in the cause...

Dirg: good, Demi Lovato, phew, it was just a phase...

Vacc: and the Naked Neck transylvanian chickens you ordered...

Doryce: thank you, dear, put them by the apples. watch out, that first feather in your mouth is a doozy! i'll keep them company. all the KFCs have closed...

Vacc: WHAT!!?

Doryce: no, they're gonna be our new familiars. pets, since we can't go out anymore. i wanted Javanese bantams but these'll do.

Dirg: i'll never forgive Bantam Books in NYC, they rejected my first draft, said it was too sexy...

Pat: AFFOGATO FOR THE HOUSE!!!

gato familiars: nice.

the cat familiars enter the Obec Animal Dermatology office hidden in a treehouse in the woods...through the front door...

Ghislaine Maxwell arrives inside a taped-up beige Wayfair box on the surface of Mars...

President Bump: this country, it's too divided. i mean everywhere you look it's Red States vs. Yellow States.

Bump gets the vaccine live on-air from the Ovaltine Office. a witch priestess not affiliated with the crones or the Old Country punctures him with the stick, right in the vein. 

Bump: miracle drug.

Bump on his way over there saw a big pile of his dirty dingy brown laundry on his lawmaking desk with the lawnmower in back. when he returns after the shot all the laundry is white...   

Doryce: how are you liking this week's candy, dear?

Gladyce: lovely form my lovely. but a bit weird. not as tender as last week. it's, like, gummi worms? but they're crunchy on the inside. strange. they don't taste like you should be eating them. sucking them maybe...

Gladyce: The Store tricked me this week. i was all set to get the Wishbone Italian dressing for my saladless salad, then at the last minute i saw that Herb dressing and got that instead...

Dirg: preach, sista, i know how that be.

Doryce: i thought i craved the spotlight. but it's different when you fall in the middle of the street and EVERY citizen in Obec gets off their bikes and cars and races to the scene looking at me with their beady little eyes as if I caused you to be convalescent. they brandish their thumbs-ups and wait for me to thumbs-up that they can't see or they won't leave...when did our place grow a conscience and a pair?, i thought it was all about staying away...

Gladyce: you gotta wash your hands with soap...then you gotta wash your washed hands with gel cos you washed your hands so much they and you cracked...

Dirg: Los Banos sounds like bathroom...

Cotard: why, Five Guys? why the small cups with the overflowing fries?...

Laertus: THANK YOU, Yahoo News. finally! please NEVER go back to comments again! perusing and browsing a much more quieter place now, a more pleasant experience. here's to a more peaceful more silent world...

Cotard: i love it...

Doryce: every time we go out, you and me, G, to a Mexican restaurant i finish the entire two bowls of overflowing tortilla chips and overflowing green-with-orange-flecks salsa and am full by the time the first steaming platter is served!...

Dirg: i'm trash. nobody on Instagram has sent me a drawing of me by them...

Madeline Brandt: which way to the Orchid Girls?...

Dirg: oh, down the stairs, up the stairs, down the hallway, up the hallway, till you reach a corner you can never come back from...

Madeline: as i unlearn i plan to do a lot of crawling...but never any groveling...

Laertus: me, too, baby steps.

Eye: atta girl, you're more than a brand.

unnamed black woman: RENT'S DUE, GUYS!!! HEY YOU GUYS!!!

Germane: don't worry, i accept Pepcoin. it's like bitcoin, right?

Doryce: did you get the fire snails i sent you for, boy?

Dirg: YOU TOLD ME TO EAT THEM!!!

Dirg: and no more of those "let's collab" comments on Instagram, we all know what that is!...

Dirg: i haven't made it till i have one of those huge stone walk-in showers with the rainfall showerhead and the pictures on all four walls of Frank Sinatra Through The Years hung on the tile...

Gladyce: oh bother! what's the point of drinking healthy smoothies if you have to baking-soda your stained teeth for it?

Cotard: i should try out for that History Channel show Alone and win a million dollars!!!...…...for the Church of course...

Gladyce: dear have you checked our bathroom counter? it's full of all manner of brown rub marks.

Doryce: i'm too lazy to clean it this week, dear. besides, those rub stains add character to the piece. blame it on the covidcane. imma die-easy germaphobe. 

Pons: i'm a mess.and i'm messy. take me or leave me...but i'm the one paying the Treehouse deed...

Laertus: OMG that Ricardo from the Amazon commercial is totes adorbs! the sign-languager. he signs so hard you can feel the words coming out of his fingers like electric strings! they have more of an impact than if he spoke them. 

Dirg: Amazon invented ball lightning but we won't get into that this week...

Laertus: the Budweiser can crown-shaped tab, bril!

Eye: i mean you gotta give it up for Joe Namath, that was a LOOOOOONGGGGG speech for that insurance he spouted off, and Ol' Joe wasn't spitefully looking at a teleprompter, that was by rote memory, that's pretty good, Joe, he didn't struggle. he should be an actor!

Dirg: yeah that was quite the performance he gave out there on that field, what an overexaggerated death scene on that leg bit of his.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: i'm assuming everybody here round this table had their first girlfriend at sixth grade?...

Eye raises her hand. 

Tyzik: the more i think about it...An Unmarried Woman...i mean what exactly did this dude do? the husband just...on a whim leaves his happy life for a chance encounter that, surprise, doesn't work out...he honestly thought he had found love elsewhere...wasn't even close...lives destroyed for nothing...…...pardon my out-there face......oh sorry, uh, Johnny Depp and Amber Heard...

Dirg: SEE? all women crave the drama!

Eye: either way Amber wins, we have to start taking her seriously as an actress...

Laertus: but i mean she did not fake those abuse photos.

Dirg: good makeup job, it's Hollywood, man, you're right in the thick of it!

Tyzik: Mike Tyson Mysteries is over. and i know why. Mike Tyson decided to box again...what the fuck is he thinking? you coulda been in a cushy soundproof booth the rest of your life, Mike!...

Rubikon: freedom is the ability to wrestle a shark in open waters...…...shark here being a metaphor for one's demons...

Tyzik: 12 Oz Mouse...

Laertus: 12 Oz Mouse surrealist storytelling, the best storytelling...

Eye: 12 Oz Mouse is my muse.

Tyzik: kickass rad theme end song. i honestly thought the first week it was Mary Spender on vocals. but it's Amaranthe. the end song sounds exactly like the Offspring's "Bad Habit", anybody else?...

Eye: Vanilla Sky and go...

Dirg: otherwise known as a meditation on Scientology, i mean you can't escape it when Tom's involved.

Laertus: yeah and you know i just realized now why Jason Lee is in this. no coincidence, those two are buddybuddies. i'm sure those two have sat next to each other in the pew on a nice sunny Scientology Sunday service.

Dirg: that cult is scary. they're blond lizards who eat three-meat pizza. save the children!

Eye: i never got the secrecy. there are already countless books out in the world explaining how sucky the religion is, just like any other religion, Catholicism to single out. no matter what library you worship in, we're all underneath the same piece of blue sky. why not let everything out in the open, let it all be audited, they'd be a more badass cult if they showed themselves. sorry, i fawn over cults, always wanted to be in a gnostic hermitage. what's with the internal mafia stuff and the outcasting of people as suppressives? suppressive people?, that's just what the world is, man! GO GOTH WITH IT, SCIENTOLOGY!!! let it all hang out, baby!

Laertus: think of Scientology like......the Coke formula...

Dirg: suppressive leads to depressive, and before you know it you need to take suppositories like me. wait, what's the vanilla tho? is that Monet painting vanilla? i mean kinda. i know what's vanilla, the inside roof of the Scientology building!

Dirg: i swallowed your cum, that means something! greatest line in cinematic history.

Eye: nah, it's when Cameron Crowe directs Steven Spielberg to say happy birthday, you son of a bitch. so many levels to that, i mean imagine the energy on set that day. Cameron always has that feather in his cap, he can always say HE wore the director cone that day while Spielberg didn't. 

Laertus: was disappointed. i thought this was an original script from Cameron, that would have been something! learned later it was an adaptation of a Spanish film. 

Dirg: and let's face it, without the Spanish film Penelope Cruz wouldn't have been in either! this was her big break, right? i get it, she's hot, but i can't understand a WORD she says! i mean her mouth is kinda weird...fishy, but she does NOT look like a moth!

Eye: Cameron Diaz with the rave reviews for her performance as a sexcrazed loony. gotta empower women as best you can in every age.

Dirg: that crazy cravey performance was all fueled by martinis. sad martinis. what became of rock n roll? a smashed guitar under glass, boy if only the girl knew. now we have buttons and cake...

Laertus: love the old movie posters. Breathless...starring Kristen Stewart. this is NOT a film for someone with a fear of heights! open your eyes, remember that, it'll come back later. 

Dirg: that mask tho. Tom looks like Phantom of the Opera's Michael Myers of the CW teen set. is it wrong to say i found Tom Cruise more handsome WITH the mask? and overacting hammily as he do. Tom, we get it, MASK! give this man a couch. i STILL say Kurt Russell is the best actor in this.

Eye: he doesn't get enough credit, ever since he did that Soldier thing where he had no lines so people think he can't act.

Laertus: all honesty, this thing stumbles the first 30 minutes or so, the writing and line-delivery is not crisp. but it hammers you over the head with the sci-fi stuff in the end so it's worth the wait. 

Dirg: whenever someone begins a conversation with do you believe in God?, run. or jump out.

Laertus: this is a fitting tribute to 9/11. remember, this opened JUST at the 9/11 times, so that scene in the beginning with a completely cleared-out abandoned soulless Times Square was especially poignant. of course NOW it means something different...

Dirg: the playboy lifestyle is dead, Clooney got married. and there's that British guy with the Dutch barge! Seven Dwarves cos it's owned by Disney, like Tom Cruise and Scientology are...

Laertus: L Ron was a great singer, i have all his Stairway to Rainbow albums. legend has it he audited Sterling Holloway himself who had dyslexia. imagine we almost lost that glorious voice! the real Scientology Cave is buried in the Disneyland desert, the seven dwarves are Xenu's fingers. 

Jada: Freud wrote Dianetics first, but like Dr. Seuss, they thought it was children's coloring book...

Michael Stipe: you mean Dr. Zeus. i still can't understand math...

Dirg: you'll never know the exquisite pain of being the bro who goes home alone. and eats out of two paint cans. a guileless New Yorker? that's FAKE NEWS!!!

Laertus: that club scene brought with it bad memories for me. it's effective that wearing of the mask behind your head so it looks like your face is in back of you. that's what humans will evolve into.

Dirg: but what happens to the face in front of your face? 

Laertus: no, two heads. WHAT'S HAPPENING TO POOR TOM CRUISE?!!

Dirg: he's fucking two girls hard at the same time, the lucky bastard! tits, the first maps. 

Eye: Tech Support, Noah Taylor? that ain't no Noah Taylor, that's NICK CAVE!!!

Dirg: tech support, that's what all Apple Geniuses are...

Laertus: Conan O'Brien was JAZZED to be in this...till they told him he'd just be doing his usual show segment. was it ever explained who Ellie was?

Dirg: damn, Johnny Galecki used to be cool. Tommy Lee? sorry, dude, nobody faps to Pammy anymore, everyone's first fap was to that Jenny McCarthy TV Guide...  

Laertus: kind of a messy explanation pulling everyone out like that, but lucid dreams are messy. YES, Kurt Russell, YOU ARE REAL. 

Kierkegaard: do it, David, jump off that bridge.

Eye: scary impossible choice, but such is life. would you rather be in a Heaven where you would have no idea it wasn't real?, the perfect seamless fake virtual-reality blissed-out utopia. or would you always want to know if it were real even if real was nothingness?

Takahashi: VR ain't all it's cracked up to be...

Dirg: i know i'm real. i'm real cos my fucking problems are real...

Laertus: it only takes one second to rearrange your life. one second to commit to changing your life...

Madame Pons: no matter how old you are?

Laertus: we're all looking at you, Dirg...

cat familiars: why would anyone want to be Penelope Cruz when they could be a cat? we see things she can't. like Cheetos dust. like the dangers of Scientology. plus, our afterlife starts the moment we're born...

cat familiars: we already saw it: the two Camerons, Diaz and Crowe. the two Cruzes, Penelope and Tom. we see the connection in all things. g'night, folks...

Eye Luggage: when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise even if you do not.

Eye Luggage looks at Laertus, Laertus looks at Eye Luggage.

Germane in his room: it's working, they're helping themselves now, they don't need me anymore...










Monday, July 27, 2020

TMIT: MAUCERI



picture it: Hollywood Bowl, 1985. the night air smells of fresh smog. the conductor steps out on stage to a green spotlight and rapt applause. cos all the adults in the audience know who he is but the kids have no fucking clue. the women especially start to giggle under their scarves. his tails are just a little too long and wobbly and soon he is in danger of tripping over himself. the rabid polite crowd gasps in horror. 

but of course it's all an act. Mauceri flashes that million-dollar smile of his and all is well in dank PBS storage rooms across the country which keep the classical-music collection on vinyl. he is Mauceri after all. he is Mauceri. the famous Mauceri. famous maus mouse Mauceri. he brandishes his baton from his pocket...…...and let's face it, his cock is WAY bigger than that baton...

before the imminent commencement of the shenanigans of the Mountain King, Mauceri gives a nod to Bugs and pretends to eat a carrot made of air. that's no baton, folks, that's his dick! he explains the correct pronunciation of his unusual name:

Mauceri: very simple mind-picture. mouse. mau. when you see a mouse you immediately get up on a chair. cer. and you scream eeeeeee! i. Mou-chair-eee

for some reason men took to that speech more than women. i'll never forget sitting in the middle grassy row hearing that speech through the loudspeakers as a little boy. it forever changed me. it made me fearful of Splinter. from then on i always thought Splinter was secretly a bad guy who would crawl under my sheets at night and make me learn karate against my will by forcing me to chop my baby-chair into wood.

1. he ___inside me repeatedly

looked for the map

2. what excited me most was ___ and ___

seaweed and strip-joint wings

3. i louged around naked on the couch with my ___

Tom Cruise

4. still bound and begging, and he ___

finally gave me some Snausages

5. after ___ i gently unbound him

watching Vanilla Sky

BONUS: all i can think of is how quickly ___

i've spent 30 years writing on this blog in one form or another, 3 or 4 times a week, and it's all gone by in a flash. it's like the feeling when i first started. doing my homework in little bitesize story form even all the way back then, itching to start up again with my craft i couldn't quit. my first post. my first TMIT. my first story. MATCH.COM MINDY MAGIC, who knew? i'm sure if i research it it will end up being this blog and the others 13 years so i won't delve deeper. i'm STILL STILL STILL looking for my soulmate!!! it's like all this started a week ago...…...and that ain't the pandemic talking...