Wednesday, September 22, 2021

LANCE LEAR: HOT LUNCH


 










toman: war doesn't divide people, money does. well gold does.

Tunisia Hardison: i shoulda replaced Denise on A Different World. wait i ain't auditioning for the wrong show now! it's Lion King not Tiger King!!!

a skint skinny boy in a jewfro on top of an electric bicycle, the first electric bicycle ever, roams the dingy streets of New York City looking for Tony Dungy. but alas Tony is nowhere to be found in the Roman pizzerias. boy looks up and sees a helicopter whirlybirding its way in a spiral falling with great haste speed and intention aiming for his nose. but he's livin' his dream today not dyin' it.
boy: good thing this bike wheel was electrical. i needed to be in that parade. does this near-death experience force me into becoming a doctor? nah, being an actor is harder.

Lance Lear: i am feeling quite blue.
Lovato: what can i help you with today, father? need a pick me up? this call is being monitored for quality control.
Lance: i need someone to call my own.
Hampshire: you had that. with mom.
Lance: i'm not looking for a spring chickadee fresh off falling into the lake from her nest cos she can't fly without the worm. i need a bird who's divebombed an ocean or two.
Floch: we'll help you locate. scope up, zero in. but where?
Lance: well the local zoos. okay there's only one zoo. and it's an illegal zoo. i dunno, but i sense her near. check the gaols.

Laertus: why does everyone on Instagram have a death wish?

Max Kellerman: you can tell from my mumbling muttering voice i cannot BELIEVE i'm stuck doing this stupid This Just In show.
Deku: ...

the crones are at the post office.
Doryce: can you take my name off the Junk Mail List?
Postmaster General: um, you can't do that. that's, uh, not a thing.
Doryce: i mean it's like the whole world is constantly conspiring to make you unsuccessful. i don't want to be saddled with a bulk i have my own.
Gladyce: hello, dear. can you direct me to wear i can go to take me name off the Junk Mail List?
Gladyce clumsily tips over two Coke cans holding up a tower of unprocessed paper and plain envelopes which caldera-crater to the ground teetering the foundation of the office.
Gladyce: not my fault! i'm 500 years old.

Andy Cohen: related to George M but he legally changed his name. ever dip in the lady pond?
Oprah: not unless a sword's coming out of it!!!

Takahashi travels to Adak Island with Dirg to go to the McDonalds there.
Takahashi: get the lead out, soldier! ass in gear!
Dirg: *huffing and puffing*  not from you!
Takahashi: don't you want to experience Jurassic Park and Bobby's World for the first time? with '90s prices?
Dirg: is an abandoned McDonalds the same as an abandoned mall?

Theranos: WE revived poetry.

President Biden: yeah we'll hook Nicki Minaj up with a doctor. my roommate in college was Dr Drew...

Lady Christy Carlson Romano wearing a green pointy triangle hat with veil: they said i would have been Princes Diary if my name had been Christy Carlson Parmesan.

Lady Annamarie Tendler wearing a red pointy triangle hat with veil: the B on Anne Boleyn's necklace doesn't stand for Baby. it stand for Breadcrumbs.

Michael Weiss at Barnard: remember, if a hot chick's on Instagram, it's because her life didn't turn out the way she planned.

Dirg: when there's nothing else around i cut the blue necrotid toenail on my big toe and an almondy almighty cyanide smell wafts up. this combined with the smell of wet socks in my hamper provide me my high.

Dai Paterson: i'm the Australian Adam Lambert.

Gladyce: when the red nightlight remains on even after the curtains are open, that's a good sign, that means it's a gloomy day.
Doryce: overcast is more open, allows for the nudge bar.
Gladyce: Fall doesn't come without a fall. to experience the new season you need the right stream.

Boc: when i went out watering today i saw a strange ufo-shaped object.
Sir Lawn Sprinkler: whatever was it my good man. filler?
Boc: filling. looked like the cream filling of a giant Oreo lodged in the trunk of a tree. it could have either been cream, marshmallow, foamed-up rat poison, or The Dark Crystal.

Boc: when i position my nozzle straight up into the air the water floats aloft the clouds for a bit before coming down, like John Denver riding the wind.

Dirg: i got my Tab.
Takahashi: the pink soda?
Dirg: no the men's pocket magazine.
Takahashi: i'm assuming that's adult and not gadgets and cars?
Laertus: seeing that digest size makes me miss the TV GUIDE glory days again.

Shynola: we're the British Daft Punk

Rubikon wearing a fro: um, so the Bible is basically a big book of glossy quotes which make it cool to exact revenge on your enemies. not cool.

Doryce: sweet olives are weird. olives are not meant to be sweet.

Bill Plaschke wearing a pink Grateful Dead tanktop and chewing xanthan gum joins Violetta Laze by the huge coven bonfire in the middle of the lake by the castle.
Bill: look at this Inca spirit-smoke villa! Mexico is gonna be awesome when it lands! look at my bald head with gray goatee and purple pookahs. not Grey the voice actress. i am no One Punch Man. the only way i can pull premium pussy here hopefully is by being the gnome yoda tour-guide.
Neale Donald Walsch: look at me folks, high up here in the banyans. lazing on a large leaf. natural seesaw in the Gummi Bears tree. i auditioned for Orson Welles. to PLAY Orson Welles.

Academy of Live & Recorded Arts: we're the Fame school in a British castle. we're Hogwarts in real life.
Dan Schneider: why did i do that LIFE spread?
LIFE Magazine: why did we stop the year before 9/11?!!! we're a photography magazine ffs!!!

Kurt Cobain: i won't rest until "Smells Like Teen Spirit" becomes Rolling Stone's greatest song of all time.

Gladyce: nudge bar?
Doryce: i thought you said fudge bar, dear. the NutriSystem fudge bars don't count!

Doryce and Gladyce at Burger King. Gladyce is eating kettle chips.
Gladyce: i eat potato chips at 9PM. cos i'm still hungry.
Doryce: you eat dessert too early, dear. try not to eat dessert while the sun is still up.
Gladyce: life is a highway and i'm still here.
Doryce: you've traveled many a road with no pavement.

Laertus: on the last day of summer, i had to go to Bruno's. despite being an idyllic wooded cabin with Swiss flags and bearings and pictures of lederhosen on hills, the vibe is bad in there, the juju is fetid, the trees meant to provide shade actually pulled away from the place exposing the roof to hellfire.
Roger Federer: i took my flags down from that place, they don't deserve them.

Laertus: i took Olive from The Real World's advice too literally. she talked about how may a time she would drive past her place of employment and never go back to work there again. no call, just drove by for the last time. now I do that with my jobs, it's been hard for me to hold down a job when i have Takahashi at the wheel of my getaway car.
Dirg: tank girl. girl who tanked.

Kathy Ireland: i'm a big Rick & Morty fan, i really am.

Pizza My Heart: your friendly neighborhood dentist

Lady Mindy Kaling in a pink pointy triangle hat and no veil: i gave BJ Novak a blowjob, a choker, that's it. he's not the baby daddy.........he's the godfather. 
BJ  Novak: now that's a premise. i'm her Brando.
Mindy: you're more like my Kim. what i did to your life is softer than killing.
BJ: Mindy, please continue sitting on your beautiful butt, i'll be over here watching that butt.

Michael Weiss auditioning on stage: you don't love life! if you loved life you wouldn't be on Instagram!

Dirg: there's a Cancel button on Instagram.

Gladyce: sorry but i just can't resist. when i see a boutique grocers like Bruno's with the tiny tiny fresh produce section, i have to pick one tomato ball, one garlic bulb, one celery stalk from there. with the tiny tiny plastic bag. 
Doryce: there's only three rows of produce. 
Mlem: why would ANYONE take their cat out for a walk in this heat?!
Blep: Obec is the supposed wooded land. but all these trees trap the heat.
Zuly from Bruno's: our specials today are Salvadoran tamales in platano leaves. expensive but worth it.

Min-Gi and Ryan are lost wandering around the maze of the castle.
Min-Gi: i'm 30 and i live with my parents.
Ryan: you're the perfect demographic for Cartoon Network.
Pig Teenager: um, Attack on Titan much? Jaws/Free Willy much?
Morgan: i'm a Gothic-architecture church with Roman stained glass where raves take place. welcome to Party Monster Part 2.
Eye Luggage: did someone say gothic church?

a death doula comes to town from the Florida in Teenage Euthanasia.
death doula: i never make my appointments in time.
Eye Luggage: death is not a beautiful experience, it's scary as fuck, that's the point.
Annie Fantasy: sex with Joe Pera is like being euthanized.

Michael Weiss in a Sugar Ray bucket hat: girl, if you're posting four separate Instagram posts in one day, you're diagnosed by me as schizo.

Dirg: why do hot babes waste their lives playing video games? no offense, Takahashi.

swamp buggy: the only way Ford is gonna beat Datsun and BMW in the future. at least in Florida.
Florida: next time name your cat Malee, it means found.
Florida: i was known as Florida Swamplands during King Lear's time.

Biden: what a fucking asshole! Ex President Bump doesn't choose Tiger Woods or Princess Peach for Mario Golf, he chooses Wario!

Patrick Muldoon: do not judge all Patricks based on what i did to Zack and Kelly.........oh i didn't see that, i didn't know they once wore red & blue Husband & Wife shirts.
Zack: you are husbanned.

Christy Carlson Romano, eyebrows raised: yeah Cadet Kelly was gay! so was Cadet Kelly! what's really gay is how my career turned out! while Hilary Duff's duff soared! 
Hilary: flied...

Pat and Jennifer Pizarro on the pirate ship:
Pat: this is all your fault!!!
Jen: how do you figure? i can't help it if i'm irresistible.
Pat: those glacial eyes betray. that perfect puff skin. hair a silk machine. body stacked like a wanton wonton teddy graham cracker. why was your name Jennifer Pizarro!!! if you had had a more unique name i coulda found you already on Instagram!!!
Jen: blame my parents not me!
Pat: i know but don't actresses drop their slave name and adopt a cool nom de plume for their career? as it stands now and is, i have no idea what the hell happened to you!!!
Jen: are you sure you wanna know?
Pat: en garde!
Jen: you can't kill me.
Pat: that was for my feelings to take cover so they don't drown under a blanket.
Fena, touching Pat's shoulder: buddy listen, i mean take me for example. my hair is silk too, cut like strands. Yukimaru? that boy be crazy. he fuck good for a goblin but as a witch i'm supposed to spell 'im! my mom was Joan of Arc so i'm not even supposed to be here. nobody knew she was pregnant on the stake. i don't know if the blond man is my father, brother, or stalker. Yukimaru chased instead of attracted his whole life and what did it get him? boat peanuts. he didn't get me, he never got me, never understood me. Yukimaru is not an attractive guy. i left him for my father.    

Eye Luggage: Fame and go. 

Laertus's dad: the school in Fame is everything i ever wanted. everything i wanted to be, everywhere i wanted to go, the only school a kid like me ever needed. it was my dream. but i was young sickly and dumb at the time and didn't realize it. also it didn't help that i was on the wrong coast in Los Angeles. but the brownstone on the other coast called out to me. New York City is the ONLY place to be!!! for EVERYTHING!!! for LIFE!!!
Dirg: yeah right, that's why everyone's leaving out of it, fleeing like wet rats. i'm still friends with your boy.
Max Kellerman: i coulda been an actor if i attended this school, instead of ESPN School down in Connecticut with the froufrou football elite. i coulda been a damn good soap actor!

Irene Cara: i'm Manny Santos's mom!!! makes sense, right? this film was the Degrassi of the '80s below in the United States of America. the only true representation of that gritty dingy yellow-walled documentary-style feel. 
PBS: we played this film. censored and cut of course.

Laura Dean: i'm forever confused with Laura Dern. i shoulda jumped into that subway bowel.

Antonia Franceschi: i do like black ass, but the producers were REALLY pushing me hard into that. a salad was named after me, first tossed at some swanky hotel upstate in the Catskills.

Paul McCrane: my hair made me nice.

Barry Miller: not a government doctor's son. why didn't i change my real name to Ralph Garci? there's no cooler name than Garci. it's like salad. i would be where Freddie Prinze Jr is now.

Gene Anthony Ray: the baddest bitchboy the world ever did see. i was obviously gay but nobody said anything to me on set so i ended up the buff stud who fucks all the girls on the ballet pole into Tuesday.

Maureen Teefy: correction, I was everyone's first crush!!!!! soup tureen in a brown bag. i was more of a success story than Prince coming all the way over from the heartland. i gave a teethy blowjob to Garci but it was cut. 

Anne Meara: i got to live out my fantasy with this one. my boy Ben flunked out of his performing arts high school when he couldn't make a face.

Joanna Merlin: i'm that hot teacher with the Connecticut look and curls no student could ever please cos i was always annoyed. YOU wanted to be the one student who could cure me from my madness after hours. but you never could, no one could, i saved that orgasm for someone special later on in life after the movie. an older gentleman with a blue pointy triangle hat and stars. 

Debbie Allen: when you think of Fame you think of me. and yet i don't appear in this thing AT ALL!!! like one second! i made my bones with the tv show that lasted a surprisingly long time!

Tresa Hughes: i popularized Polaroids before Apple sunk their teeth into my daughter.

Richard Belzer: i was in EVERYTHING, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I am the reason you watched that first episode of SVU in the first place and got hooked on it like New York Bourdain street cocaine and now you hate me cos you are forced to watch that turgid bloated show in its 100th season just for the few glancing blows of the Liv/Elliot romance.

Sal Piro, looking: you'd think they coulda at least made me an extra in the movie or something.........the Rocky Horror movie.

Michael DeLorenzo: i have one of those faces. i was also the Spanish guy who did Hair on tv...

Meg Tilly: i learned about the covid vaccine from Family Guy.

photographer: let's get the whole cast in one big group shot. in front of the gravestone headstone tomb, perfect.
VERY young Jodie Foster: um, look behind you, i'm traveling with a strange man eating a flower ice cream...

producer: we can't name this after current porn Hot Lunch that's actually playing in theatres.
Alan Parker: fine we'll cut the tits. by two, we'll have two less tits. i did NOT ruin Spider-Man on Broadway.

Laertus's dad: art was better in the '70s.
Laertus: that's when you had me. this checks out.
Laertus's dad: see i didn't know this was a thing growing up, i thought you were forced to learn math and stuff. be a mathlete not a cheerleader. like i didn't know you could drop everything and just learn how to tilt your head just right angled to the camera.

Eye: Drama. Music. Dance. or all three now. you had a choice back then. oh i LOVE the numbers they wear on their hats and leotards! that is so old skool!

Montgomery MacNeil: not New Age. you got me, i'm a Garfunkel fan. that opening is a feint, i actually suck at monologues, that's why i'll never be in Phoenix's movie.

Bruno Martelli: this was the first time showing someone who didn't have any friends on screen.

Laertus's dad: okay the black acting coach is the man! he's everything a man should strive to be. the acting teacher! the best teachers teach actors, they teach people how to be HUMAN. how to be comfortable with their bodies, their tool, their instrument without ointment, and how to pick yourself up when your audition fails.
Dirg: yeah this was back when actors actually had to make a living, a living wage, being an actor. which was impossible. nowadays all the actors we have are the children of Hollywood elites.

Bruno Martelli: i'll show you! don't be a Nazi, look at my setup! i'm inventing electronica music right before your eyes! i'm gonna do the music for the L.A. Olympics!! to feed the ducks at Duckworth! my first album's gonna be called The Downward Spiral!!!
Mr Shorofsky: why didn't you become a dirty apple-picker like your father! you can't play music alone! masturbators don't make good music!

Doris: i'm not struggling enough to be a good actress. i need a sob-backstory. i need to kill myself to gain gravitas.
Montgomery: look at how wide my mouth can open...
Garci: if you're an actor, can you really be a bully?

Coco: i also birthed Leylah as a teen like Emma. but she went to the top coast and changed her name.

Leroy: damn dude! my girl i came with to the audition be TRIPPIN'! it's not about you, honey!
Debbie: actually she was a decent dancer. but the attitude...
Leroy: talent rises to the top, bitch. like a Wu Tang song. for my audition i invented breakdancing. 

students: yeah this wasn't meant to be a musical number, we were just hungry.
wood pianos all lined up snug like sardines: we evoke a Fievel Mousekewitz vibe.

Doris: sitting out here on the stairs free from all that noise racket in there?
Montgomery: yeah i despise music.
Doris: your mom's an actress, right?
Montgomery: she travels all the time. in the circus. she abandoned me for that trapeze guy with the trapezius muscles.
Doris: i see, you're a legacy hire.

Coco: play music with me, Bruno, you can't play music alone.
Bruno: i'd rather open up a deli. besides, my dad just wants you to be my girlfriend but i'd rather fuck my synthesizer.
Coco: there's holes there for wires and stuff. i don't really live in that swanky hotel, i'm homeless. but i'm still voting for Newsom one day.

Leroy: look at me! i'm Superman! or rather Iceman punching all this glass. yeah, Iceman. i ride the old bitch hard cos who ever heard of a white and woman teacher EVER having any nuggets of wisdom for a black and man?
Anne: spicy nuggs?
Leroy: see? 

Leroy: i only need reading to read scripts. i got my pimp to read scripts for me.

Doris: William Morris Agency? that's great, hunk! 
hunk: thanks.
Doris: you'll be selling all those cigarettes to kids! sorry i'm nervous around you.

Bruno: i mean look at me, i'm a white pudgy dude. no way i actually came up with the Fame theme! OBVIOUSLY Irene Cara and Joanna Merlin wrote the song!
director: we actually closed down traffic to film the musical number in the road. New York truck drivers were so angry with us they promised to vote for Bump one day.

Montgomery: i'm gay. this is a big admission in 1980. i'm not just saying this to get the part.
Garci: you're acting tho, right?
Doris: singing in front of kids for a birthday party is so humiliating. especially when you can't sing.

Garci: um, excuse me, this is my big dramatic scene, can we move this incense machine outta the way the smoke is getting in my eyes.
Madame Pons: sorry, that was me, i'm teaching this studio tech here to get into incense. not sleeping with him. the smoke is good for you you're supposed to be crying in this monologue.

Garci: why did Freddie Prinze do it? no, not Freddie, anybody but my sweet prince Freddie. i am the next Freddie, makes me want to gun myself young too. quaaludes? it can't be quaaludes! did Dylan Carlson buy the rifle? i need answers, i need Scooby Doo and the van on the case. you don't have to be named Fred to lead the sleuths.
Doris: that makes me so hot when a man wants to suicide himself.

Montgomery: i'm the schlemiel high up in a motel room in the red light district singing a sad solo song while my two best friends fuck in the next room after a Blade Runner monologue. i am the third wheel and it is here that Dr Romano's lifelong anger rage and resentment was born.
Doris's mother: if you're an actress you're pregnant.
Doris: cry more, Garci, it gets me wet.
Montgomery: you can't just add kissing scenes to the script, that's not Method.

Hilary: i'm a rich white girl who brought a black homeless guy home.
snooty parents: that's about right.
Holland Taylor: i'm the mom to Hilary. she's gonna enter politics so best for her to get it out of her system now. i'm one to talk when it comes to strange bedding partners!
Hilary: when i was monologuing at the mental hospital, that wasn't acting.

Laertus: you don't see that nowadays, an American flag in a church.
The Pope: except on my ceiling mirror.
Garci: I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!!! you get my little sister cured at a CHRISTIAN SCIENTIST church not a Catholic church!!!

Doris's mother: Dominique DuPont? what are you a floozie cartoon fox?
Doris: no i sell Avon pens.

Dirg: okay this is scary for me.
Laertus: what it's cool, we get to actually see how the AUDIENCES are and behave in a Rocky Horror show. the action is in aisles not on the screen! 
Mardith: it's fun. they call all the men idiots. and i like the waterguns.   
Dirg: god no, no no no, not for me, they point out the virgins in the audience. 

Doris: omg i had the biggest crush on our waiter. how's it going?
hunk: L.A. sucked. i didn't get that one pivotal frozen-orange-juice-in-a-can commercial...

Garci on the stage mic in hand and mic behind ear doing standup:
Garci: so the seasons are changing. that nice cool breezy Autumnal wind carrying the scent of all the new marijuana being cracked open in the neighborhood...
*crowd laughs*

Doris: you killed, babe!
Garci: i know, right? i'm gonna be Lenny Bruce!
Doris: and i'm perfect for Mrs. Maisel! but i'm not wet yet, you gotta start talking about eating babies if you want to eat my puss.
Laertus's dad: this is my favorite scene, two young people with the world in their hands, they are still dreamers not jaded, it's the two of them and their fingertips against the world. they'll conquer Broadway then Hollywood then get a house. the rush of excitement planning a life together, vocalizing your dreams. it just takes getting that one tv show and the lovers will be on easy street, having kids in bars. the rush of excitement like the wind coming off that subway train from Risky Business.

Doris to Garci: i'll rape you.
Dirg: sorry but when a girl tells a guy she'll rape him that's hot.

Montgomery: i'm not gonna fuck the pizza.
Garci: hilarious, i should have used that line out there on stage. want a candy cigarette?
Montgomery: all we're guaranteed in this life as an actor is a shirt, wear yours.

Hilary: i can't have a brown baby, it's the '80s.
Ex President Bump: neither in my America. or the America that comes after.

Coco: why do my tits look like tiny bananas? 
porn director: i'd suck them.
Coco: you're taking the Flashdance thing way too literally.

Dirg: honestly i thought Leroy and Anne Meara shoulda fucked. that's the only way to bring understanding between strangers so perfect they might as well be different species.
Anne Meara: *crying* do you care about anyone else but yourself!
Leroy: what happened to your husband?
Anne Meara: you fucked him!

I Sing The Body Electric: no, not Philip K Dick. not Rod Serling. it's Walt Whitman.

Gene Anthony Ray: i died form a rare cancer? yeah right. i died by being free. living MY life, the party life is the only way to go. who wants to grow old? and yeah that's my voice on the Ghostbusters song...

Laertus's dad: the glamor of the Great White Way? or the squalor of 42nd Street? Juilliard or Orange Julius? dancing on a Metropole pole? topless for a sandwich? there are a dozen American dreams and only one will make it. that's all you need to know. the Annie kids and the Fame kids should get together one day, they both have iconic lettering in their titles. g'night, folks. something must be vulgar to be beautiful.

the Gorton Fisherman hanging his feet off the docks:
Lance Lear: you ain't gonna jump right?
Gorton: no just swinging my legs in cute yellow rubber boots. my son Kyle was very particular about his croutons, they needed to be strippers from Santa Fe. he never ate soup only salad. why was Kyle out there that foggy morning of his death? he hated going out on the ocean. why was he in a tugboat by the cruise ship and not on the cruise ship?
Kyle: remember, dad. i told you, i prefer luxury tugboats to luxury liners.
Gorton: right before my boy got shot in the back of the head with a wave he was planning that afternoon to run away and join a theater company.

daughters: father! we found her for you!
Lance Lear: oh goodie where was she?
the large black crow towers over the four. she perches on Lovato's arm, Hampshire's fingernail, Floch's belt, and Lance's head.
crow: i was out back grazing. the back of the tower.
Lance: quite. come back to us.
crow: no. i wanted my own career! my own life! not just being Lance's wife!
Lance: but you were a queen! not just my queen. i mean you ran away to become a court jester.
crow: singer singer i'm a singer! my songs are meant to be taken seriously! i sing to everyone in the world to wake up! in the morning. there's only so much fire a bird can take. fire waved in her face. didn't you notice that with each successive Tour de France i was perched further and further away from the road?


 
 






Monday, September 20, 2021

TMIT: THE CONVERSE AIN'T TRUE IF YOU AIN'T GOT THAT SHOE

 




Converse shoe that is. hi, my name is Chuck Taylor. i was abandoned by Jeff Bezos and condemned to live on the moon. this was gonna be a start-civilization-over thing, just me and my commune planting an Elysium field. dancing in togas in zero-gravity, eating Carls Jr.. but there's no growing here, as you can see my lawn needs watering and Clint Eastwood won't hang around forever. Moon Warming is a thing.

1. when the world brings you down, what is your best tip about feeling good about yourself again?

seems the entire world had a bad weekend. a sad weekend. like me, i sure did. and now it's time for my favorite human in the world Fareed Zakaria to dispense us with some of his sagacious wisdom on his favorite segment of his show What In The World:

Fareed Zakaria: i'll dispense with the multiple-choice trivia question. have a hot meal, sleep one more hour. spin a globe, the big ones at Fedco not your desk-globe. drink your coffee while in the shower. these have always helped me.

2. what is your favorite room or spot in your home? why? the den. cos of the globe. and the opium.

3. are you living up to expectations?

whose? oh, mine. i have never lived up to my priest's expectations. i mean it's like look i love Norm Macdonald but the Professor of Logic joke was too long. 

4. what lesson took you the longest to learn?

they're not coming back. nobody ever comes back. that lyric from Trent's last song off the album, "Hurt", has served me well my entire life and has proven true my WHOLE life even when i want to close my ears and forget:

everyone i know
goes away in the end

you start over in a new city. make brand new friends. but soon the pandemic wanes and everyone becomes busy again and the Irish goodbyes eventually start trickling in. it's not even a willful ghosting or anything, but everyone forgets to answer their Instagram DM phone on the same day! ALL your contacts at the same time! people are literally so busy they lose track of time and space and by the time Christmas comes they forgot to do that scene for you they promised and it's been a year...

i've wanted to forget this my whole life, cling onto hope. but this is just the way life is. i say this with my glasses on not my contacts: no contact is not better. 

text someone today that you haven't talked to in four years, do it for me.

5. what has been the most difficult choice you've had to make? moving on. i mean moving out.

oh sure it's easy for the Linzess woman. she gets to be a librarian who can drink prune juice on library grounds even tho she's a babe not an old woman cos of an exemption by the president of Berkeley. Berkeley was always an awkward word to spell btw. not everyone has the luxury of cuddling up to their husband in the treehouse. i do that, too, i have my nose in a book pacing the aisles of the grocery store, i once read a whole Louis Sachar book inside a freezer and didn't notice. i thought the glass door to the freezer box with shelves of pizza was the front door. must be nice, Linzess lady!

BONUS: what defines you?

1080. but i can't afford high-definition.


   



Friday, September 17, 2021

FREDAGSMYS


 





notes:

* Gavin Newsom: i know, i was handed a gift. first order of business: fixing PG&E...

* Taco Bell: we didn't abandon the potato, YOU did!

* TGI Friday's: we wanted to call ourselves Cozy Friday. but the Swedes threatened a world war.

* G Vegas: the only place to gain on the slots

* Mr Two Bits: a Florida quarter can only play Frogger

* the object crashing into Jupiter was aliens doing banded legs at Honeymoon Bay

* Buffy the Vampire Slayer at Bruno's: despite all the wood here there are no stakes for sale. the L.A. store has different juju, a chiller aura.........quaaludes, i'd know that smell anywhere. 

* Liberty Mutual:
Doug: can we have a helicopter? and a tiny helicopter helmet for Limu Emu?
Amanda Waller: no.
Doug: okay but why is the Vatican flag on a pole in your office?

* Planet Fitness:
influencer: run in place with hot tea.........there's no way to know whether this water is hot or cold.

* DraftKings:
blonde: all of these quarters could be yours. i use mine for laundry.
Tsuyu Asui: i use mine for tongue practice...

* McDonalds:
Frasier Crane: you just got ratio'd. i do not know what that means. i am listening.

* Gronk: the real question is whether GISELE will let you play till 50.
Tom Brady: they said in order for me to get a football license in Florida i had to marry Betty White...

* Baker Mayfield: what's the price that gets you inside these shoulderpads today?
linebacker: you lucky, it would be federally illegal for Johnny Manziel to do this same commercial.
Baker: have you noticed how i've become a pretty good actor? i'm at Nic Cage level now.

* Behr:
woman: no furniture, just four painted walls.
other couple: it's been awhile since you hosted a dinner party huh.
man: this is not a suburban Connecticut sex thing.
woman: yes it is, dear. i'm wearing vinyl pants and you're wearing a college-professor sweater.
man: in all honesty that coat joke came from Martin Yan.
woman: DO IT! throw your wine in my face. it's the only way i can taste wine anymore.
other couple: and the broken-wineglass glass strewn all over the bed?
man: it's the only way i can orgasm.

* Lowe's:
honestly the only thing interesting about this spot and the whole week is the girl with the drill:

JANINE HOGAN

remember that name. visit her twitter. her twitter is the BEST! not just the nude pic...

her pinned tweet is a picture of her laid up in a hospital bed with a cast over her face that reads:

when the dick just the right amount of bomb

her most piquant post, and the one we can all relate to, is her doing a musical number free-jamming on her DJ mini-turntables as she sings:

how is anybody functioning day-to-day anymore?

my fellow depressives, who says twitter isn't poignant anymore? hits just right right when you need it.


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i open up my first Cozy Friday restaurant in the United States...





Wednesday, September 15, 2021

LANCE LEAR: GAUZY GNOMES

 










a boy on an electric bicycle chewing a buzzing vaper whizzes by the castle.

Alice Waters from a Berkeley burning bush: not the purple author. i am the inventor of cooking water. i mean i'm not a snob but what i said about organic food during Lear's time is sadly too late today. sure it was more expensive but we had '80s money back then! it wasn't called organic back then it was just WHAT WE DID! i mean i just hosted the last-ever Mountain Winery concert cos we had to save the wood jug to store the last black-currant wine rather than use it as an music instrument. even the women had long beards that day. the debate is not whether or not it's a taco or a sandwich, it's about why are these Taco Bell taco-sandwiches SO FUCKING SMALL!!!

Circus Coo: i would gladly buy a credit card from Alison Sieke. and my credit is as bad as Batman's! i can't get insurance on my rubbery legs cos they twist around my body three times over...

Lance Lear: as this tale takes place entirely within the realms of our land i want our week guests to feel welcome and at home. service their every need.
Lovato: every?
Lance: within reason. search after the gold apple.
Hampshire: yeah but it's tricky. seek out Emilia for this one?
Lance: only if you have to. of course as a general principle she's much more entertaining than any of us. 
Floch: isn't Jan your bestest of best friends, daddy?
Lance: he sure is, i'm nothing without him. he was my ONLY friend during the dark times. and the Middle Ages. without him i'd be dead now, and not from a tower. he stood by me when when the press hated me. the press from my own kingdom. cure Jan of his lifelong dementia and bring him back here to me.
daughters: are we ever gonna see mom again, dad?
Lance: ummmmm.........sure but she has to call first.

Boc: lefty loosey righty tighty, got it. i'm ready to strike attaching the nozzle to my sword.
Sir Lawn Sprinkler: that's cheating! my water is natural.

Michael Weiss wearing a purple safari hat: if the chick is on Instagram she's batty. a crazy conspiracy chick. why does she CONTINUE on Instagram is the question...

Michelle Agresti: i'm playing Georgia Kernell in the movie. i can be aggressive like her.

Jodie Whittaker: Doctor Who has become like football for me...

Max Kellerman: i'm going back to school. at P.S. 101. i have no ill will towards Stephen A. this fall i'm playing Sonny Corinthos's long-lost son/henchman who comes back to town after being in New York all of Sonny's life.........the other side of New York.

Max Kellerman: First Take without me sucks now.

Laertus at Bruno's: Dirg, instead of saying "bois" use the French word for wood.
Celine: Blue's Clues has just started in France...

Mike Tyson: they took my pigeons away. but i banged on the empty cages and eventually was allowed sticks and became a pro drummer. i did the drums for the theme to the Frasier reboot which premiered on 9/11. i flew all the way to France to steal yo girl, Mike Doonesbury. Mike Doonesbury's Vietnamese woman. and boy are my arms tired. farewell to arms. i went inside the black-and-white of the a-ha "Take On Me" video to take down the Demon Slayer Marilyn Manson mask from the girl's apartment and affix it to the corner cafe.

Rongmin: for whom the bell tolls

Jennifer Garner: shhhh. don't tell anybody. but i think i'm gonna be able to make it in time for bedtime.
Mother Goose: i used to have red hair.

Kyle Brandt: i'm playing George Costanza in the Seinfeld movie.
Tsuyu Asui: i got quarters. but you'll never find where i keep them.

Martin Yan: coat the wok with olive oil. it scrubs it clean better than butter. or my amber oil.
Olive Oyl: Popeye Bluto'd Brutus.
Jeff Goldblum: that's what she said.........she being the dinosaur.

Power Rangers Dino Fury: you know that gnawing feeling in the pit of your stomach when you're watching a show that's become a stranger to you now.........THIS same show that was once your favorite show of all time. THIS is the moment you leave the show forever. btw this show gets historically low ratings, how is it able to continue?

mikawa: sweet medicinal agave juice but you have to eat the sharp pointy bramble pricks

intimate ceremony: it's gotta be in the Twilight forest, one acre over from the castle woods. with Paramore as house band.

Codrus at El Escorial: a little secret, the courtyard is Portuguese. we gotta go back to olden times when monasteries were palaces. the Spain monks knew how to do it right with style! 
Lance Lear: we're gonna live it up when the next castle-to-castle meeting takes place here.

Emma Raducanu: like 2001 i'm heralding in the Lizzo Age! 
Leylah Fernandez: Emma has Tim Henman, i have Steve Nash, the two men are the same man.
Leylah: we're gonna share endorsements, Instagram followers...
Emma: boyfriends...

KDFC: serving the greater Obec bay, Colonel's classical, Sanders's sonatas

Billy Crystal: i'm embarrassed when the Yankees aren't winning. i'm embarrassed to have people over to the house.

Blade Runner: you can only see La La Land at the AMC Burbank 16.
Alex Prager: i got the first matinee ticket.

Saitama: they call me Bald Runner. too much malding.

Boc and Bjork at the Extinction Rebellion:
Boc: can i borrow the swan?
Bjork: only if you paint it black.

Boc: when you're tying your clear plastic bags to your feet do it twice. and add a double-knot.
Sir Lawn Sprinkler: i found a McDonalds bag in your lawn! not even a brown bag a white bag! how uncouth!
Boc: i know right? there's not a McDonalds for a mile from the castle! i wish there were.
Sir Lawn: the neighbors don't like us fighting.
Boc: but it's not noise. we are literally watering their plants for them!

Tyler Lyle ascends an orange volcano.

Codrus to Cotard: you know the difference between you and i, brother? the netsuke and ojime on my robe are nude.

Gladyce: are nails supposed to grow big every week?
Doryce: witch's nails are.

Codrus: if i have to be footed the bill for a new religion, it better be worth it!
Cotard: it is, brother! what could be more worth it than art! the Symbolica in the Netherlands is a most castley installation.

Pat and Jennifer Pizarro on the pirate ship:
Pat: i'm afraid this is the plankless death scene for me.
Jen: whatever do you mean?
Pat: any girl i date, any woman i marry, will NEVER compare to you. she'll always be lacking in my eyes, which will make me lacking in their eyes.
Sinead O'Connor and Peter Gabriel: not necessarily.
Jen: some women like me are nymphs who don't care.
Pat: you didn't MENTION you were a nymph the only semester we saw each other's eyes! i need a time machine to whisk me back just ONE YEAR BEFORE so I can be Scott Trimble! 
Scott Trimble: yous sure that's a good idea, Paul? do you really want to be me? i have a whole set of problems you know nothing of.
Pat: i would have entered this pirate play with you and we would have rewritten it together! i would have written plays all day instead of going to drama class at Berkeley. drama class is just the act of living life. then i wouldn't have to do this anymore.
Scott Trimble: see this red bandana on my head? it's from all the blood. i didn't spill. i had rock star dreams but i didn't have a Greyhound bus. i'm from Detroit where all they care about is rap and their style of pizza. that's tomato sauce on my head. the tomato sauce is not a stage prop, i have to work at Pizza Hut for my PhD.
Pat: does this ship transform into a DeLorean?

Laertus: vaccines are already required for school.
Dirg: but covid is the 13th vaccine on the list.

Celine: meet the new editor of Copin Comics! moi!
The Pope: i'm joining with Celine on this venture to bring more gritty realistic graphic novels to our wayward youth. the main character is a pope who takes drugs...

Takahashi's father: i was that little Asian boy who slaps Kurt Cobain's guitar down at the end of the "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video.

Dirg: soon it will be time to change out my socks at Macy's, like the slick mechanic who broke Madonna's heartshape at the 2021 VMAs.

Gladyce: dear our china is not supercharged.
Dirg: you're telling me!
Gladyce: we're not utilizing it to our fullest potential. we have a beautiful set of twenty spotted glasses but we only use one, the front one, we drink from it and put it back in the cupboard. just the one.
Doryce: let's not Plath our potential. quaff a querty o' em!

frat girl eating a Whopper: sus doesn't stand for suspicious, sus stands for susceptible...

Doryce: the elegant shopper, the slim freckled freshfaced woman in slender darkblue jeans who sways her long cupped auburn hair in rhythm to her basket filled with one apple one tomato one celery. taller than a basketball player, rawhide boots up to her belly button.
Gladyce: you're too old to be that at the Store, dear. the old men there are always all at the spice aisle rocking back and forth.
Doryce: i don't eat popcorn nor beef jerky no more cos i don't watch any more late-night anime.

AOC, a debutante at the Castle Ball., wears a dress with

Eat The Rich

on the back.
Dirg: i would have thought she'd wear the Eat Mor Chikin dress. shall i escort her to the dungeon in the basement where the last Administration is in shackles?

Bitch Pudding: i need my own show...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Codrus: that Odin was no monk!

Eye: Twilight of the Ice Nymphs and go.
Robert Pattinson: fine, THIS came before. but i didn't cum. is this a love story or is this torture? 
Guy Maddin: hi Bob. can i call you Bob? can i take your mic?

Guy Maddin: look, folks, none of this was my fault. i wanted more fairy sex. i wanted more nudity. why do producers have to mess with a director's vision? the only way to make a movie is to write it yourself, film it yourself, and fund it yourself. like Ex President Bump did with his campaign video. i asked the actors for money but they didn't have any.

Lance Lear: Guy Maddin took my daughters on a fourway date to teach them all about man things.
Lovato: Guy taught me how to tackle. and the spiral move.
Hampshire: Guy taught me how to drop-kick a field goal. and the spiral move.
Floch: he was quite the gentleman. he taught me that the turducken is a real animal in nature that lives behind the turret. and that BOTH Mahomes and Brady needed to be on the cover cos if it was just Brady the villagers would riot.

Guy Maddin: hi Atom. can i call you Strange?
Atom Egoyan: look, man, you will NEVER be me.
Lars von Trier: this movie was bad even for ME.
Rembrandt: who did the sets for this? they stole my oil paintings!!!

Wheels from Degrassi: the same company that made this fairy-porn made Degrassi. that explains a lot when it comes to all that was allowed. thank god they finally canceled that Next Class atrocity. i play a covered wheelbarrow in this movie.
Jahmil French: Drake killed me. and Drake killed Tupac.

Nigel Whitmey: am i that ugly they couldn't use my voice?
Guy Maddin: you sounded like Mickey Mouse.
Nigel: i got a shot to my nuts right before the audition. nobody knows what i really sound like. this is the only film in Hollywood history where the main character isn't in the credits.
Ross McMillan: the good news is this freed up Canada to invent dubstep.

Pascale Bussieres: why am i not more famous? why is my butt not more famous? why isn't my butt on Broadway! at least get my butt into the Met Gala. i sound better than Jacques Pepin's ginger daughter trying a French accent.

Shelley Duvall: i will never get this, I AM NOT UGLY!!! and yet i play as if i'm ugly. the ugly stepsister. the ugly dragon daughter. why? o Fuerza why?!

Frank Gorshin: i look scary without my mask. unsettling. you don't know where my eyes will dart next.

Alice Krige: do you understand the title of this film? the ice, we nymphs are so hot we melt the ice. see? like my expression throughout this whole film, i perfected the ice stare. it's not a cringe it's a gauzy glower. i was the only one trying here, i acted the hell out of this weary script, elevated it to Mount Olympus eyeline!

RH Thomson: imagine Morty as an adult...

Dirg: uh, what's with the lighting here? it's so damn hazy. like a bad Vitamin C trip.
Guy Maddin: this setting actually worked to my advantage, it was meant to be eternal sunlight so i had to insist the entire film be shot inside a warehouse, that saved money. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotted Mind.

Dirg: okay, i appreciate the elegant Expedia, the trippy Tripadvisor golden bungalow here but i would have much preferred to see the inside of the prison he was in.
Guy: looks like the towers here. where all of Madonna's exes reside.

Peter Glahn: i have a big gland.
Juliana Kossel: i am not hostile i'm just in heat. i like my bad boys. i like prisoners. i'm trying to imagine what a jail in a magical realm looks like. i like men who go for it, who live free and fearlessly. i need to get my rocks off so you need to be that Little Mermaid boulder Ariel frottages on. a farm sounds so boring.
Peter: no one will hire me. except that mud ogre who eats money.

Dirg: the dialogue wording of this script is EXTREMELY PAINFULLY STILTED. it's like a community college's first attempt at a screenwriting class.
Laertus: or is it that just how English majors communicate and you can't comprehend it?
Shakespeare: in fairness, this is how i would have written one of my plays if i lived in the '90s...

Peter: is the old man riding the ostriches again?
Cain Ball: with a name like that i simply cannot be the hero. unless this is a porno. i was told this was a Batman reboot. i was told this was gonna be a cat farm.

Peter: why do you want to be a doctor's wife? that sounds so boring. 
Amelia Glahn: Drake killed Popeye. for once i can sew a picnic basket and feel like the bear instead of the donkey. i got nice tits but i'm not allowed to show them.
Guy Maddin: yeah sorry about that.
Amelia: did you know the Castle Ball closes at 4PM?

Zephyr: i have a baby on the way but i'm still horny. let's forget about the baby.
Peter: oh cool, i get to say fuck like Snake! why is this bed turning into a waterbed?
Zephyr: i'm so hot i melt all the ice around me, get it? i remember seeing two boars fucking on the farm. i found out later that was just some bad Demon Slayer cosplay.
Peter: um, why am i naked under the covers but you're fully clothed?
Guy Maddin: yeah sorry about that, my hands were tied.
Peter: WHY IS A METAL COIL-SPRING TAIL COMING FROM YOUR BUTTHOLE TRYING TO ENTER MY BUTTHOLE?
Zephyr: sorry about that, a relic from my Borg Queen days. remnants are hard to forget.
The Pope: all popes were Borg Queens at one point.

Zephyr: take this wedding ring, Venus.
Venus statue: very funny. i have no arms.

Peter: mesmerist? what exactly does that mean?
Solti: can anyone understand my accent? cos i can't. this is the only way i can get laid. i hypnotize all my women, how do you think all those magic guys in Vegas get the A-List models?

Zephyr: why were you kissing the Venus statue?
Solti: why be with a woman when you can be with a god?
Zephyr: yes but you were kissing her stone tits.

Peter: of all the gin joints in all the villages in all the kingdom YOU had to be HIS assistant?!
Juliana: let's be honest here, women control who gets what in the relationship.
Tom Brady: i eat pan.

Solti: WHY MUST YOU INSIST ON STRIKING MY FALSE LEG, SIR!!! it doesn't hurt.
Peter: you are no ordinary pirate.
Amelia: we all end up skulls in the end. but if you look at a skull you won't see her horse teeth.
Codrus: WHOA! how did Christianity enter this world? that ruins the whole magic realm thing!

Cain: are you a woman? i thought you were a horse. what are you doing parading around a man's house in an apron?
Amelia: i give up. here's the deed to the car.........OH MY GOD! why do you have to laugh like a complete insane mental patient?
Cain: the Riddler can't be cool.
Amelia: thanks for the impromptu walk over glass, i feel enlightened now, i know what i must do...

Amelia: this giant nail i'm hammering into your skull is your baptism into Christianity. the flies in your mouth is my tribute to the Alice In Chains album Jar of Flies.
Cain: please let this be a fantasy! this is were the fantasy part of this fantasy film kicks in, right?!!!

Zephyr: is it really murdering your husband if you were never in love with him? sorry about that, i thought that was a pit of gummi worms for Halloween.

Peter: um, maybe next time we cheat we don't use such a tree trunk that's so out in the open to fuck? Zephyr saw everything.
Zephyr: pig's blood?
Peter: Juliana, you're obviously not a virgin.  

Zephyr: i mean the statue falls on me but i'm taller than the statue...

Peter: trees can attack you and kill you in your sleep, don't you watch Disney movies?
cat familiars: we will NOT discuss the fate of poor Aesop...

Shelley Duvall: OMG this last scene takes me back to bad UCLA drama-department improv classes in the '70s...

wintry cave: and the movie ends with incest, g'night folks.
Shakespeare: it gets better. see? the film got better, all the heavy emotions. didn't you feel all the feelings?
Santa: the only time i'm not in snow and i have to tiptoe around the forest nymphs or i'll get enchanted and get an earful from Mrs. Claus.
Robert Pattinson: see? we were in Hell this whole time. g'night, folks.

the Gorton Fisherman lies unconscious on the planks of the Santa Monica Pier boardwalk raging on both sides with white foamy waves. he has passed out and is near death from drinking too much orange juice. Lance Lear points his sword at the fisherman's stomach.
Lance Lear: u ok?
Gorton: don't pluck the oranges around here...the trees are haunted...
Lance: it says here on this empty carton by your belt that this thing is 98% zinc, 2% orange. 
Gorton: what a trip. my son Kyle taught me so many things. he taught me salad could have candy.

Lance treats Gorton to a free lunch at the Atlantic Fish Bar.
Lance: hi, can seniors who've had a zinc overdose get a discount? thanks.
Gorton: yeah i dunno. it's a good place to eat though it's my competition. it tastes better than my fish cos they cook it in chicken oil. i wish we could go back to the days when the Burger King building looked like the In-N-Out Burger building.
Norm Macdonald: i invented McDonalds. but i was fired cos i wasn't funny enough to be Ronald McDonald. there's no God, there's no Heaven, it's all a joke. the only thing that exists is Emilia Clarke's tits.
Mike Tyson: now there REALLY won't be another season of Mike Tyson Mysteries...

at the pewter asylum:
Lance: here to visit a patient. Jan Ullrich.
Jan gets wheeled out.
Jan: kids made fun of me cos of my girly name. i thought i was supposed to be rich, not ill, where's my potion?
Emilia: you ate the wrong apple. you were supposed to eat the yellow apple. you ate an apple made of actual gold and got lead poisoning seeped into your brain for life.
Amelia to Emilia: got a beauty spell?

the patient next to Jan is his bedmate who quickly zips open the white covering-sheet shower-curtain and throws a ski-boot right into Lance's face.
Michael Schumacher: i can do that.