DARTMOUTH DIGS: IT'S MASSIVE TO GET ON TV

 

Lis Smith sits quietly ensconced in the auditorium audience, satisfied with her love life and not needing to talk all the time, willing to listen. and she's listening now as her man is back up on that stage again:

Lis Smith: my man, my Beakman.

Beakman: they want me to do this show teaching science to kids. PIZAZZ science up, they tell me. i'm like only if i get to kick that mook Bill Nye the Science Guy's ass, i say that to all the studio executives in the pitch room with my Brooklyn accent to put a scare in em, make em think i'm in the mob.

the audience laughs. 

Beakman: they're like we're gonna pair you with a mouseman who went to Harvard...

the audience boos.

Beakman: ...and the standard babe lab assistant. at first it was Eliza Schneider and i'm like okay. then it was Alanna Ubach and i'm like okay i've seen her nudes. but then they wanted me to team up with that chubby chick from Saved by the Bell: The New Class?!!!

the audience laughs after Lis Smith because she already knows...

Quincy Jones: "Not My Lover" would have been a better song name.

Michael Jackson: no it has to be "Billie Jean" because Billie Jean King is my dream woman. i look like Billie Jean King. i'm gonna play Billie Jean King in the ABC miniseries...

Duckie Dale: i didn't get the girl. i didn't get Molly Ringwald. but that did free me up to be in the live-action DuckTales movie...

Raul De Molina: i can't do the drunk straightwalk not because of all the rum horchata i imbibe on a daily basis but because i'm fat so i fall down...

pickleball: it's just paddleball...

Scott Vander Dussen: i know that was cool and everything but there are many lifeguard rescues that happen without cameras, not everything can be a Baywatch viral moment. hidden lives matter. a life guarded is a life saved.

Norm Macdonald: i know people want more Dr. Steve Brule. but the actor HATED playing that part.

Mike Tyson: do i look good in clay?...

Andy Roddick: i always confuse my wife with your wife.

Pete Sampras: my wife was in Last Action Hero, you know the Queensryche movie. what did your wife do again?

Andy: me. 

Pete: you tried to be me but the weird thing is i ended up having a better serve than you...

Andy: i have a smarmy face because my last name has been made fun of by every single person in the world...

Genie Bouchard: i'm pretty but i can't act worth shit.

Sheldon Cooper: tell me about it, honey. 

Lis Smith: sorry babe but i can't follow you into science. i was meant to be a communications chick.

Beakman: yeah you're right that's your strong suit. you talk. i mean you talk throughout the entire process of when we make love, which is weird to me.

Lis: do i have your blessing? i'm not seeking approval but my dad was a complicated man.

Beakman: you gotta get on TV or no one will care about your nuanced views. which means a fragile country won't care about your nuanced views which is dangerous. stick with Pete Buttigieg, he's safe. don't get tangled up in the sticky web of Eliot Spitzer.

Lis: okay thanks for the fatherly advice.........wait, how'd you know what i was thinking?

Beakman: i built a time machine...

 

DARTMOUTH DIGS: AIDS THE PROFESSOR

 

at Professor Beakman's teacher housing.

Beakman: it's not a real shower unless i pee in the drain. unless the COLD water of the showerbath-tub's faucet shoots its icy darts at my sensitive toes such that my toes do a little half-dance into the pee. 

Lis Smith: that's scientifically interesting. and gross. i didn't know you were a dancer.

Beakman: i do NOT dance around the truth.

Lis: when you wet your hair it looks like a fir bush.

Beakman: i'm scared of it myself, i'm starting to shed.

Lis: what was the flight pattern of the bird you were telling me about last night?

Beakman: huh?

Lis with a smarmy smile: well you are the birdman.........something about giving a duck?

Beakman: ah yes.

Lis gives Beakman a duck-call blowjob.

Beakman: sorry for the rough sex, i'm usually a nice guy.

Lis: it's fine it's just my earlobe was pulled way further to the left than i'm used to...

John Walsh: it's made you a lot nicer to me.

Reve Walsh: it's not the OmegaXL, it's that my Reve name is MYSTICAL. you're kind of a dick but nobody can say that about you...

Sinead O'Connor: i shoulda been the Pope...

Boomy Reactions: now THIS is a milf. finally a goth girl with the perfect laugh.

Trent Reznor with a sore neck: i fancy her. i've never said i liked a woman IN MY LIFE. she tickles me. her smile is perfectly cheeky.

Boomy Reactions: as a goth i necessarily watch ALL cartoons...

Bud Cort the Dog: i want a Pupperoni pizza.

Martina Navratilova: without that band around my glasses they would have come off if i got hit in the face with a tennis ball.

Chris Evert: you wouldn't have won ANYTHING without those glasses!!! those glasses were your secret weapon. when i saw you on the other side of the net wearing those glasses i poo'd in my tennis shorts.

Sally Struthers: think how good my life was in the '90s. i was starting TaleSpin playing the mama bear because my voice naturally sounded like a bear. i was doing Match Game 90 in front of a live studio audience at the mall with that weird-ass futuristic triangle TRON wheel. finally that set was blue!!! i didn't have to go on TV with sad eyes and a cracked voice anymore teaching Christians to be bricklayers...

Marin Mazzie: if only that guy hadn't died i'd've done The Mazzy Star Story on Broadway!!!

Michael Weiss: after a lifetime of scrolling and living life i've come to the conclusion that the only sane people left on the planet are on Instagram...

Jen R at Baltimore Clayworks at the mall: pinch pot is not because i can't afford a dimebag. are there nickelbags?

Chad Reynolds the drummer of Nickelback: ...

Jen: thumb pot is what the ancient Mesopotamians crafted before thumbdrives.

Tai: you can also make candles out of cantaloupes. Luke Russert and my dad HATE melon.

Gilligan: a ballad is way better than a sea shanty...

Dr. Joyce Brothers: see Freud was boring because he didn't have my tits. Dee Davenport looking like Cinderella Liberty, there's so much to unpack...

Lis: did you like the trick i pulled on you in bed last night?

Beakman: where i shot my cum darts into your mouth?

Lis: .........

Beakman: .........OHHHHH now i get it: Dartmouth.

Lis: wanna go to the Dartmouth Mall and hang out there all day? what's your favorite storefront at the mall?

Beakman: the Medieval Times at the mall, they don't serve New Hampshire bean soup, they serve been soup...

Lis: people still think New Hampshire really isn't a place...

Beakman: i can't go to malls anymore, i have papers to grade. how do you students find the time to have fun?

Lis: i don't. i crave routine but i carve out a time in my schedule Wednesdays at 4:25PM to hang out at the mall with my girlfriends. for us women who had stunted high-school careers.

 

DARTMOUTH DIGS: COMMUTER CRUSH

 

it's Lis Smith's first day at Dartmouth and she's deciding on a major.

Lis Smith: it's either gonna be Communications or Science. i can't decide. what's the more lucrative career? 

Beakman with a wink from the wings of the lecture hall: science.

Lis with a smile: wow is that really Professor Beakman from Beakman's World? he looks hotter in person.

 

Beakman gets on stage with his long lime-green lab coat with the skateboard patches and insane fir-tree hair.

Lis in the audience: that hair is driving me wild!!!

Bob Marley and Keggy the Keg are in the auditorium audience as well.

Beakman: questions from the audience?

Lis: has anyone ever told you you were glamorous?

Beakman at the mic: this Y2K thing is crazy. right? on the news all the religious freaks are freaking out calling it the end of the world. Charles Nelson Reilly is eulogizing Gene Rayburn before we all go. Brett Somers isn't an old battleaxe, she's a loudmouth which scientifically makes her a good kisser. and she has a nice body. but you know who's really freaking out? the scientists like me. ladies and gentlemen, we're doomed. with the world going digital now, i mean.........how are the clocks gonna survive that 00 thing? planes will crash.........should i have said that?...

Lis: huh, this is more like a stand-up act than a lecture.

Blast Furnace: why wasn't i a Transformer?...

Portrait of Jennie: the first Manic Pixie Dream Girl...

Jennifer Jones: i was prettier than Elizabeth Taylor...

Portrait of Jennie: that Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman music tho...

Billy Corgan: Black Forest Cake coffee helps me forget the "To Forgive" empty party afternoons.

birthdays: cruelly, they're just for kids...

Billy Corgan: instead of cake WITH coffee, the cake's already in the coffee. huh. it's like those 2-in-1 shampoo-conditioners.........i lost all credibility when it came to hair after i played my last piano on Mellon Collie...

Kurt Cobain: what is zucchini?

Roger Federer: summer squash.

Kurt: summer never squashed me...

Roger: i'm thinking of taking up squash. hey at least it's not pickleball.

Rose Nylund: i'm from New York City, it's in my name. St. Olaf was the name Hans Christian Andersen gave to NYC when he first laid his soggy eyes on the city in his waterlogged tugboat.

Skip Stephenson: i didn't want to be a real person. i wanted to be Luke Skywalker playing with all the other space farts.

Melinda O. Fee: for a small fee i was O. Henry's lost granddaughter. O. Henry could never solve who i was, drove him to the nuthouse. but at least i was in all his short stories...

Banana Ball: if baseball was LITERALLY a video game...

Carol Doda: the topless dancing was okay, but i needed to wait until the Summer of Love to do the bottomless dancing...

Louise Sorel: remember how Vivian Alamain sorta became your fancy mom when your poor mom was at work? i was Mary Tyler Moore but older, wiser, and with more class. 

Nana Visitor: and you were also kinda my mommy.

Dan Aykroyd: Ghostbusters was supposed to be Psi Factor...

Brother Bede, psychiatrist: you are not crazy. but your stories are...

Lis catches Beakman in the wings alone after the show/lecture.

Beakman: people still sleep in on Saturday? i thought that was only an '80s thing.

Lis: it is. but i'm here because i'm a born insomniac. and i think i've fallen in love with you after one lecture.

Beakman: well i'm glad you came. word around campus is you're going into Communications to be a political operative. i urge you to reconsider, science won't destroy the world, but politics will...

Lis: it'll be a different destroy. wait, everyone on campus knows my business?

Beakman: you know i see you every morning riding the same bus i do to class.

Lis: the bus on The Green that goes round and round and round in circles?

Beakman: that's the one. i stand in the back so you won't notice me.

Lis: i'm sitting in the front of the bus but i still notice your hair. 

Beakman: i'm too shy to talk to you but i dream of having you.........

Lis, blushing: .........

Beakman: .........as my student. more? no no, just the student thing, just as my student. anyway you're cute but i fear we have nothing in common.

Lis and Beakman board the bus back and Lis starts to cry as she tells her story:

Lis: this morning on the way over here i saw a lost dog, a poor poodle who had clearly lost his way around the mall courtyard, he was dragging his leash. i decided not to get involved even tho i saw the forlornness in the dog's eyes. five minutes later i see a frantic man in a backwards baseball cap by the Pet City scurrying around the mall in panic shouting out a dog's name. Peter is a dog's name, right? i still don't do anything and have regretted it ever since. i shoulda just said to the man in passing, "is that your dog back there?"

Beakman: that story made me sad. 

Lis: you're not crying.

Beakman: because there was nothing scientifically wrong with what you did. think about it, if you had gotten involved you would have gotten bitten. by the dog or the man. i don't trust punk men who wear their baseball caps backward. plus he probably found his dog without your help, the odds of trigonometry on that mall floorplan.

Lis: it gnaws at my left tit forever!!!

Beakman: that's why you're good for politics, you FEEL.

Lis: can i sleep at your place tonight?...

THE SHOT WITH REVERB: BELLHOP CART

 

Roger Federer: don't you see?

Kurt Cobain: what.

Roger: your death reverberated across the galaxy. ON THAT DAY new bands started to spring and pop up BECAUSE of your death. these bands were influenced by you, your music, your whole vibe. these bands wouldn't have existed had you not died that day, at least not in the form they are now. who's to say all of this wasn't SUPPOSED to happen?

Kurt: for whom? me or them? i sure got the short end of the stick!!!

Roger: it's an answer. not an easy answer but an answer. maybe the stick will be a healing stick.

Kurt: i mean talk about having a dark fate!!!

Kaye Stevens: my grandfather lost his teeth and became MORE popular with the ladies. i guess you can't say gumjob on TV in 1974?...

Karl Ravech: ME?!!! Ravvie? who's next, Steve Levy?!!! without this handsome crooked soap-hunk face millions of kids wouldn't have known what baseball was.

Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe: inner-city kids?

Karl: no, white kids!!! 

Sue Bird and Megan Rapinoe: we've always said we thought you were the only man at ESPN who was cute...

Gordon Ramsay: did he say restauranteur or provocateur?...

Gary Kroeger: ...

Phrygian helmet: the Smurf helmet.

Josh Gates: i'll tell you where the Titanic is. but first he has to acknowledge that everyone on set thinks he's a bastard.

Ryan Gosling: my flat hand looks cool on the La La Land poster. i'm giving you the Python karate chop from The Karate Kid.

Emma Stone: it's not a salute of any kind.

Ryan: i'm giving you the Turtle. i'm giving you that Naruto thing in your butt.

Emma: like you i'm gonna walk like an Egyptian. with my other hand covering my butt.

Conan O'Brien and Melissa Maker are at the Obama Center.

Conan O'Brien: yeah i got this new updo hairstyle because of a sunscreen mishap. i'm too white for sunscreen.

Melissa Maker: me too.

Conan: i really do look like a freak. like if i wasn't in show business...

Melissa: i fell in love when i was in Greece.........with kalamata olives. those olives will clear your sinuses. they are BRINY as fuck. they hit your tongue with GREASE when you're trying to make a spicy summer salad.

Conan: talk again about your tongue...

Jimmy Chamberlin: what does my singing voice sound like? check out "Farewell + Goodnight" off Mellon Collie. i also fill in vocally on an iconic singer's next album when they mysteriously disappear: my voice can sound like Layne Staley or Chester Bennington...

Madonna kicks Justin Bieber's butt all over the dressing room backstage at the World Cup Halftime Show.

Madonna: stay down.

Justin Bieber: damn, woman, where'd you learn to throw hands like that?

Madonna: the '80s.

Justin: i just wanted to be the headliner.

Madonna: you're not qualified. who is the GOAT of soccer?

Justin: Yamal.

Madonna: wrong. it will always be Pele. kid when you were in AYSO i was already inventing the orange slice...

two-step: there is no hardcore in Texas...

Shelley Duvall: if i was your introduction to goth, consider yourself blessed...

Roger: how do you unwind?

Kurt: i ride the bellhop carts at the local hotel.

Roger: me too!!! have i ever seen you there?

Kurt: yes.

Roger: you really do have good disguises.

the two ride the bellhop carts at the hotel the rest of the afternoon letting the last light of the sun reverb through the lobby. Kurt even closes his eyes as he rides the bellhop cart.

Kurt: i like the bellhop cart with the red carpet on the bottom, i can ride it barefoot. i never wanted to make music, i wanted to not be sick, i wanted to be an anonymous bellhop.

Roger: so you like Wes Anderson movies?

Kurt: no!!! Wes Anderson's too famous for me!!!

Roger: these bellhop-cart rides are so meditative which leads to mediative.

Kurt: you have to wait till everyone's gone. no one in the lobby, the concierge has gone upstairs to fix the latest Rose Nylund blunder, and all the elevator doors are closed. 

Roger: you getting famished? i'm getting famished. let's have spaghetti primavera at the hotel restaurant. don't worry, i'll pay, i know you're poor now.

Kurt: Apple pay?

Kurt twirls the spaghetti with his fork and spoon, takes a bite, and begins to cry.

Kurt: sometimes a man just needs to eat a zucchini with no judgement.