FRIZZY HAIRCUT: THAT FOURTH MONTH

 

Jen and i are at church. in the front pew.

me: look at my hair.

Jen R: i THINK you need a haircut. but i'm not sure.

me: i'm becoming sick of shaving it off every three months, it's such a pain. today is the first day of my FOURTH month letting my shaggy messy fro-y hair grow out.

Jen: i'm scared of what your beard will become.

me: it ITCHES like a motherfucker!!!

we spot Kurt Cobain in the middle pew.

me: what up man.

Kurt: i'm gonna investigate the father's private quarters, the confession he gave me this morning just doesn't sit right.

Jen: what was his advice?

Kurt: he said if i dyed my hair blueberry-blue all my sins would be cleansed.

Jen: i mean a priest drunk on altar wine is just a Monday.

i step in the confessional. the booth is hot. Father Navin is perkier than normal. his eyes are completely bugged out.

me: hi man. okay show me the cut-finger trick with the Irish buzzer-whistle once more, it calms me.

Father Navin: Jesus told me you need a haircut and a job.

me: should i cut it off? it's such a pain to shampoo all the time.

Father Navin: wait.........wait a year...

Tokyo Revengers: this is your life. just plug in Gina for the girl.

B movie: filming the end of a movie is always the worst part, it's so boring...

Toxie: oh come on, why couldn't i have been in The Goonies?...

Toxie: okay i'll take Napoleon Dynamite before it's too late!!!

The Toxic Avenger: Aerobics Classes $1?

Martinelli's: apple juice for adults.

Alex Honnold: see i copied Captain Kirk climbing El Capitan but this was in the future so actually Captain Kirk copied ME because he saw me do it in the past...

Spock: is it really free-soloing without a net Flying-Wallendas-style if you have me in rocket boots ready to catch you?

Nic Cage: the reason my hair looks so good in Con Air is because i used an '80s Conair blow dryer.

Robin Williams: i had the very distinctive look of playing doctors with bushy beards. nowhere in the history of man and art do you see doctors with bushy beards like that...

Paul George: that's rough, man, i took that illegal medicine for my mental health, man...

Drake Maye: i'm not ignoring you, avoiding you, i really have a cold shoulder. my shoulder tingles on top like it's Melissa Maker visiting Chilly Willy. the strangest soothing sensation, Ben-Gay naturally being produced in my body, imagine if you will my shoulder having an enema...

Bad Bunny at the Super Bowl: i'm gonna be free-soloing it out there...

Cash Cab: After Dark: not risque, it's just Ben Bailey riding his NYC cab at night...

black tea: you're drinking a secret island poultice of a dark magic herb. black tea is the coffee of tea.

taro: Vaporwave boba. jicama juice.

Tokyo Revengers: we're tough bad-boy gangsters but we still have sense enough to wear masks during covid.

Jen R: in order for me to stop channel-surfing i need a channel ABOUT surfing...

Suzy Lu: downhome no-makeup pink-pajamas look from now on, this is the way to react to ALL anime episodes on YouTube. after all, who puts on a dress to watch cartoons?!!!

pork n beans: i mean next time actually include the pork...

Alexis Ohanian: who says nothing good happens at Waffle House?...

Kurt breaks the door down into Father Navin's private room at the back of the church with just his side.

Kurt Cobain: nice view, i've never seen THESE bushes before.

Father Navin: check my phone, it was an honest mistake.

Kurt: why is your home phone an office phone?

Kurt pushes his three favorite buttons and the message plays back in tape:

"*tone* we're sorry, your number cannot be completed as dialed..."

Father Navin: i thought i was ordering priest collars. not S&M collars. 

Kurt: but why call a 900 number?

Father Navin: 900, the year the modern Church was founded...

Kurt: look at this long blond Christ hair, you ain't foolin' nobody.

Father Navin: why couldn't i have been Father Nirvana?

Kurt: why instead of a bathroom do you have a urinal in your bedroom?

Father Navin: the Pope figured this was a way to steer priests away from the life of a toilet trader.

Kurt: come on, man, you REALLY need a vacation. from everything you have ever known. let's go see Koyaanisqatsi.

Father Navin: that movie is blasphemous. let's see Boyz n the Hood, Laurence Fishburne was so hot in that. or Skullduggery, my Canadian priests are not doing so well up there. believe me, if you can't have sex, Dungeons & Dragons is the next best thing. 

ANGIE IN VEGAS: YOUR ROOTS ARE SHOWING

it's another episode of Match Game.

Debralee Scott: Gene, i promise that this one will REALLY get the ratings!!!

Gene Rayburn: oh?

Bart Braverman: oh yeah man, kissing the contestants and everything is tame. we're talking about SEX in the bottom row!!!

Debralee: we are gonna FUCK on live television!!!

the audience claps and applauds.

Patty Duke with cigarette holder she clips a roach on: is this my fault? i'm sorry, when i was on here i was not myself, really broken inside, i usually don't act that haphazard. Valley of the Dolls was about pharmacy bubblegum.

Gene Rayburn turns his head to the camera sternly.

Gene: and now if you're quite finished. ladies and germs if i could be serious for one moment. you've seen me, you see how it is with me, as the episodes mount, as one year of Match Game bleeds into the next season of Match Game, the dementia is slowly creeping into my brain. it's not forgetfulness, it's the curse of being a wordsmith. Bruce, we're all thinking of you, even if you don't see what's going on with you.

the audience claps and applauds.

Bill Belichick: can i get in the Hall of Fame if i teach a class on pressure at the community college? air pressure...

John Enos III: i'm the only person who WROTE an episode of Red Shoe Diaries that i ACTED in!!!

Walker: i don't have penis envy of you, but i do have motorcycle envy.

Shakespeare: i knocked up my 26-year-old girlfriend when i was 18. i was known as the stud of my writing school...

Nick Kyrgios: care for a knock up?

Emma Raducanu: ...

Nick: a light hitting of the tennis ball before a match.

Emma: do either of us PLAY tennis anymore?

Menace II Society: is that Lamar Jackson?...

Nautilus VibraTone: toned EVERYTHING. but you look like you're having an epileptic seizure.

Ian Curtis: the panic attack was worth it, my butt is hard as a stone.

Mr. McFeely: i like cats.........don't like clipping their nails tho...

Australian Open 2026: could've been an email...

Al Bundy: imagine me in the Chevy Chase role in all those National Lampoon movies...

Betty White: it just seems that i was married to George Burns, you know?...

Catherine O'Hara: i can now finally find my missing son in Heaven.........wait, Macaulay Culkin SURVIVED that INSANE childhood of his?!!!...

Debralee and Bart get buck naked to the hoots and hollers of the crowd.

Bart has an ancient Indian diamond-belt tattoo all around his body right at the stomach level just below his penis. covering his belly button.

Gene: are your nards painted red?

Debralee for her part is ASS UP wearing nothing but a pink Angie wristwatch.

Bart: this is gonna be a Southwest spirit walk. you can't see it but my pupils are tomahawks.

Debralee: i don't mind claw marks but i fear the flame.

Debralee: wanna VAcation in Virginia?

Bart: i see what you did there.

Gene mid-coitus uses his skinny mic to poke around the couple.

Gene: you two are something, best couple i've seen in awhile, Hollywood or otherwise. from this above-view let me see your hairs. your roots are showing.

Bart: thank you. proud Indian. we are not from the West Indies, SIR!!!

Gene: and you are.........no angle here, folks, this is the real deal. ladies and gentlemen, would you join me in giving a hand to our two dingbats here, they are songbirds of love. this man has just fucked a real redhead!!! a true-blue ginger!!!

Gene places his microphone in the cradle of his elbow as he claps with two hands.

the studio audience and Ira Skutch in a yellow San Diego Padres long sleeve shirt clap and applaud.

 

 

ANGIE IN VEGAS: TIC TACS AND CIGS

Debralee Scott: you wanna vacation in NYC?

Bart Braverman: definitely not. you wanna vacation in Vegas?

Debralee: no. we're both sick of our places.

Bart: two played-out places. how about a happy compromise?

Debralee: roller skating!!!

Bart: of the two of us only you are hot enough to do roller derby.

Debralee: i'm a woman in dire need of NOT needing kneepads when i suck. it's the '70s, you know? burn your kneepads!!!

Peter Pan: i cheat at astral projection, i use my body...

Elizabeth Montgomery: i was not gaslighting on Bewitched. witches were forced to gaslight because men couldn't accept our magic. i wiggle my nose something fierce. i wriggle my nose like a fatherfucker. i can't stop wrinkling my nose because i'm hooked on cocaine. i need help, i have a problem, and my mother just mocks me.

Endora: nice name for a cat...

Darrin: i was hooked on the good powder, too, i thought i was someone else...

zhuzh, don't judge.

7-Eleven: our stuff comes in the non-scary non-pharmacy white paper sleeve bags...

the two greet Charles Nelson Reilly at the roller rink with the lights out in mid-swing, Charles SWINGS ROUND AND ROUND AND AROUND like a mad bandit on the wood planks cutting his hand on the rusted gold railing to stop suddenly. 

Charles Nelson Reilly: fuck me. that hurts like a motherfucker. hi you two!!! have you seen my gold chain? i dropped it in the urinal.

Debralee: i gotta say, man, you look COOL out there!!! 

Bart: in that cowboy shirt, brown vest sweater, and SKINNY jeans, my man, have you lost weight?

Charles: yes but that's not a good thing. oh i love shaking my TINY little gay tushie out there, i roller like nobody's business. my skates run on pure liquid cocaine.

Debralee, cheeks rosy like her hair in the fractured rainbow disco light: you know seeing Charles SPIN like that reminded me of my dishwasher at my apartment, wanna check it out?

Bart: i could use a good rinse.

after much avoiding stepping on ferns later...

Bart: oh wow, that's a nice unit!!!

Debralee: thank you. i bet you never noticed the top rack.

Bart: what do you mean?

Debralee: the spinner at the bottom of the dishwasher spritzes out water like a lawn sprinkler, like a Slip n Slide. but there's a TINY spinner of water below the TOP rack that no one ever notices...

Bart: i'm gonna make a concerted effort to pay more diligent attention to your words from now on.

PBS: do you want your local story about people who aren't famous, people you don't know, to be given 10 minutes of precious VHS tape?!!!

Fancy Feast: the sound of an incoming message on your phone...

Bobby Driscoll in an underground restaurant: make ALL art indie.

Buddha: when it's the last week in January, it's icy-blue in the sky outside, but the temp is -30, sun shining BRIGHT, you get snow-blindness on the nape of your neck: sunburn.

Law & Order: we stole our block lettering from Re-Animator...

Weyoun: why do morgues have locked doors?...

Oscar the Grouch: you drape garbage bags over the corpses? that is so disrespectful.

Wendy Crewson: the real fantasy is a good-looking woman in a Dungeons & Dragons group so invested in her Dungeon Master's scenario...

Game Master: the devil will give you 10 gold pieces if you take your clothes off...

Wendy Crewson: and i'm a nurse, nurses aren't really into D&D, you know?...

Kurt Cobain: have you ever smoked a cigarette while playing Dungeons & Dragons in a group? the Dungeon Master of your D&D club is your high-school English teacher who never smiles and treats this like it's school. why would two frat bros be in this club?...

me: i missed that before!!!

Jen R: right? that scene flew right over your small head as a kid.

me: the D&D boy pointing his finger into Elliott's mom's butt in E.T.

Dee Wallace: you can only get 40-year-olds!!! as if that's a bad thing. the young women are the bad women!!! they got nothing to offer!!! when will these young boys realize that they yearn for their mommies in their wives? seasoned doesn't just season the Jiffy Pop on the stove.

Jen: and the existential take on Dungeons & Dragons: you can't win this game, it's like life, you can't win life.

Trump: i'm a bad movie you're forced to watch. i'm you being forced to watch Battlefield Earth and having to do a deep dive of it on YouTube...

Charles Rocket: Charlene Tilton wasn't THAT hot...

Debralee takes Bart by the hand and gingerly rolls him onto the skating rotunda as their skates are loose in their bare feet like butter.

Debralee: nice and easy, chief. here, take the mini-spray of cinnamon Binaca out of my jeans buttpocket and spray it in my mouth.

Bart: a reverse Gene?

Debralee: Rayburn is getting way too frisky, he's gonna get tripped up. i'm gonna kiss you. i like taking the lead. in kissing and rollerdancing.

Bart: now i get it, you like telling firemen what to do, that is hot. i feel your dynamic.

Debralee puts two cigarettes in her mouth and lights them with her Binaca spray, giving one to Bart.

Bart: Virginia Slims, classic.

Debralee: have you ever smoked a cigarette while rollerskating?

Bart: sure, my people do that all the time. to forget the past of tears.

 

 

ANGIE IN VEGAS: OVERBITE

 

 

Debralee Scott and Bart Braverman are flirting on the bottom row of Match Game.

Debralee Scott: finally i have a playmate around here. someone simpatico.

Bart Braverman: yeah. i know, right? we're both cute. Brett Somers is so stodgy.

Brett Somers: i heard that, feather.

Debralee: so obviously you're brave, i have a thing for firemen.

Bart: no that actually refers to the fact that i'm an Indian. you know, the REAL Americans. the natives, not restless, very calm and settled. don't associate us with cowboys, we're our own thing. don't take our land, don't take our home. none of this Christopher Columbus crap, that colonizer's pizza tasted like soggy dogfood.

Debralee: i heard you guys live to 100.

Bart: i am not a fireman...

Debralee: wanna go rollerskating sometime?

Bart: on those '70s dark-brown wooden planks, it would be my dream and honor.

Jen R: know how i know i'm your soulmate?

me: how? he says as he posts wrong again.

Jen: because you will NEVER get sick of me!!!

MAILER DAEMON: fuck me. ignore me, email like a mad demon before it's too late.

Blade Runner: no flying cars but it's a cool-looking futuristic snowplow, which is more important.

Ryan Wedding: caught just in time for the Winter Olympics. i'm gonna be in the Opening Ceremony!!!

Ryan Wedding: transnational, baby. i got the best name.

Skullduggery (1970): D&D can't be scarier than those fuzzball Land of the Lost creatures.

Cameron Smotherman: hey at least i don't wear fishnets. i have the best name for a fighter. i just needed a Snickers...

Carmen Sandiego: ...

Sacred Heart sweater: it's iconic.

Protestants: ...

Neaux Sneaux: when Dr. Seuss saved kids from getting frostbite by giving away Cat In The Hats at the Scholastic Book Fair INDOORS during the Blizzard of '04...

Nine Inch Nails: you copied me.

Tool: how? what?

Nine Inch Nails: a nail is a tool.

Aaron Copland: strangely, it's spelled Cop Land like that Sylvester Stallone movie. who composed the better Seasons symphony, me or Vivaldi?

the band Geese: you know that goth-rocker punk teen in the black leather jacket in that final season of Skins...

David Letterman: the lead singer is a taller fuller version of the lead singer of The Vines.

est: we dissolved in 1984, what a shame, we were the only thing combating Big Brother with sanity...

Zalman King: i had real rabbits in the bed where the woman and man were making love. imagine me on set that day: "We need rabbits!!!"

David Duchovny: yes, Stella the dog became my real dog.

Andrew Dismukes: i was not dismissed.

Ryan Wedding: i am the TRUE definition of a powder hound...

Alanis Morissette: and they say rain weddings are good luck...

Jim Gaffigan: Hot Pockets don't have pockets anymore...

Denny's pancake syrup: a hell worse than flames.

Vincent van Gogh: i'm the Sigmund Freud who didn't become a doctor like his father wanted...

Keanu Reeves: i am your modern-day Jesus.

Alex Honnold: see i don't think of it as climbing UP an insanely-high cliff, i think of it as jogging Central Park in a snowstorm...

Buddha wearing Inuit snow-blindness glasses: you ever reach Enlightenment after climbing up a mountain?

Alex Honnold: yes but then the network makes me take a selfie so i forget it.

Geordi La Forge: don't copy me, Buddha!!! i HAVE to achieve enlightenment in my condition, all i can do is spirit walks in my mind!!!

Beetlejuice: i'm driving the snowplow!!! beet juice on the roads...

Bart Braverman: you have freckles on your overbite, it's fascinating.

Debralee Scott: and dimples in my teeth, holes. i stress-ate a lot of pistachio chocolate when i was in the 4th Grade. 

Bart: your overbite makes you MORE attractive, i wouldn't have noticed you...

Debralee: my overbite is good for blowjobs. have you ever had a bitejob?

Bart: i don't know how that would work on me, don't know how my body would react, is pain pleasurable or pain to me? let's try it and find out. it's kinky so it's very '70s.