THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: MAGNETIC WEDDING SPOONS

 

at the wedding at the grey castle, 100 guests crowd onto the observation deck below the turret where the wood table is crammed. genuine Italian Wedding Soup is served. along with the milk from an almond as an elixir.

the parson: i can't believe you agreed to marry me.

the king's daughter: the blacksmith tried to woo me but it was an obvious naked power grab.

Merlin: everyone in Medieval times is always naked.

king's daughter: i'm the only woman in the village who doesn't find the blacksmith attractive. i'm a lesbian.

Merlin: what's that? i thought at my advanced age i had seen it all.

king's daughter: i am very much a modern woman. do you know why a woman doesn't tell a man to his face that he's handsome? because we don't want to be perceived as shallow. women must have the utmost moral rectitude.

Merlin: okay i know that one, that's anal.

king's daughter: we must look at a person's character, that is all. otherwise we're no different from that old crone of an egg-seller downvillage who needs a chastity belt.

Merlin: she lives on a one-acre square of farm alone. fenced out from the nobles. and she is my wife. no magic can collapse the patriarchy.

pickle chips: potato chips that are pickle-flavored or 1/8 of a whole dill pickle?

Ted Turner: TBS, right? just have your own cable channel, makes things easier. we won the America's Cup but it turns out boating was just a '70s thing...

Gilligan: maybe if i had won it instead of you...

Ted Turner: where were the white liberals?!!! why was it only me and Phil Donahue?!!! 

Phil Donahue: i had a secret passion for adult cartoons.

Ted: the Soviet Union were our friends, they liked the Goodwill Games and Head of the Class. and the movie WarGames. the Olympics are corrupt. 24/7 is cool, but the internet is gonna SUCK.

Jane Fonda: Ted Turner was ELO...

Ted: Richard Dreyfuss to play me?

Jane: and Jane Fonda to play me.

Pope Bob: fuck these banks and their service fees. i'm keeping my John Paul II lira deep under the Vatican. i'd turn the tables of those moneychangers like Jesus but they're ping-pong tables...

Pope Bob: when am i hosting SNL?

Lorne Michaels: we got the Chicago connection. who's the musical guest?

Pope Bob: the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Lorne: always problematic.

flight attendant: i got hantavirus from you?

Chuck E. Cheese: sorry. this plane is small.

flight attendant: but it requires PROLONGED exposure to someone.

Chuck E. Cheese: we fucked in the mousehole of the bathroom cabin, remember? 

flight attendant: that's right, we were flying over the Andes mountains as we snacked on tiny chocolate mints...

Barney Frank in hospice care: i'll be straight with you, this whole life thing, i just don't know...

Barney Frank: the country? the country was lost the moment i entered hospice care...

cozy mystery: no knives, no guns, the murder victim dies in a granary...

Lucy Lawless: death will not send you into a lesbian spiral on your way down to Tartarus.

Cecily Strong: i give up, America wants Jost and Che the way America wants Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless...

Molly Sanborn: look at my face, you'd think i would have reviewed Veruca Salt by now...

the blacksmith from the height of the turret unsheathes his silver sword.

blacksmith: which is a GIANT ROD of a magnet.

he lowers it in the air above the wedding table. the feast stays but all the guests' spoons fly up in the air as if by magic and attach to the sword.

the parson stands up on the wedding table.

parson: SEE?!!! you see this, village?!!! the mayor is trying to STEAL your hard-earned silver, all the silver in the land, and hoard it for himself!!!

blacksmith: i have a hoarding problem? this is the first Medieval horde!!! let's make a deal, no more taxes...

king's daughter: release daddy at once!!! or i won't tell you the location of Excalibur. clue: i have to put on my mermaid tail and lake gauntlet to retrieve it...

blacksmith: fine. allright. oll korrect. i seem to like swords a lot. i've never been married. doesn't matter i'm gonna die soon.

the king, who is one foot tall, comes out of the dungeon under the wedding table. NOT wearing the crown...

the king: see? having spoons be magnetic is problematic. make them out of stainless steel, not metal, in the future. for just this reason, you're eating your nice walnut wedding salad and suddenly your spoon is flying to the nearest pole. but change the spoons back to magnetic for one day when you drop a spoon in the lint trap of your dryer...

parson: and that is why YOU are king. i don't want to be in a leadership position, too much work.

 

  

 

THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: FARMER GOES TO COLLEGE

 

the blacksmith is now the priest. he presides over his court where a jester entertains him daily.

blacksmith: no more of the jester, get the hook. hook his neck offstage but don't hurt him. this jester's not really funny, he's always just lukewarm like Bill Maher. i'd rather have the guy who makes the mince pies appear before me more.

meanwhile the parson is now a farmer.

parson: i mean growing turnips is fine, but a revolution is coming when everyone in the land will start eating potatoes. there doesn't seem to be much upward mobility in this job: a farmer in Medieval times. you just kinda take over your father's farm and that's your life.

father: if you're lucky, sonny. if a robber baron doesn't mug you and steal your farm from under you on the dirt road.

parson: do people go to college around here? is there higher education?

father: try the castle, kiddo. always try the castle. the castle is where everything is kept.

John Schlesinger: notice the non-sequitur scenes of the neighborhood boys taunting Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man? not a West Side Story tribute. that's what happened to me when i first got to New York City, neighborhood boys thought i was gay for some reason.

hooker's lips: the rose is named after Hooker the botanist, but it does look like...

Mick Jagger: ...my lips.

Tom Cruise: hey, don't even try it, you will never OUTRUN me at my own Scientology facility!!!

Purple Passion: the first Purple Drank.

David Beckham and Posh Spice have just divorced. the two find themselves in the same line for the loo at a dingy London underground punk club with graffiti on the walls and bathroom walls. David Beckham can't speak, he is sheepish. 

Posh finally after a quarter of an hour: well. this is awkward.

David: quite.

Posh: we didn't stay together for the kid, the kid hates us both.

at ESPN.

the betting guy: i don't get it, we're both the betting guy at ESPN, why did Tyler move up to SportsCenter anchor?

Tyler: because i'm tall dark and handsome.

Erin Dolan: and Indian, know what i'm sayin'.

Tyler: and you are a nondescript white boy.

random blonde: is that French? are you trying to be funny on SportsCenter? i don't care, i just work here...

Match Game: if the answer is to fuck, say kiss...

Lucy at the Brown Derby trying to spot William Holden: the Cobb salad was invented here.

William Holden: a dame with brains!!! finally!!!

Lucy: yeah, Cobb because they cobble together 12 ingredients to make the salad...

Mr. Diamond at Crespi: i became a high school Spanish teacher so i wouldn't have any money for Dustin Diamond to steal!!! as long as i could keep an eye on ol' shifty Dusty, as long as he was a yardstick away from me playing that Rygar cabinet at the arcade, i felt safe.

Muhammad Ali: i'm a Mainer?

Brett Somers: isn't he the cutest thing. sure, we call you Barnesy Ali.

Sonny Liston: that whole iconic black-and-white photograph of you in all your virile masculine lion glory was a show, a setup by the mob.

Muhammad: and you should know, Son. of course it was, everyone poses for a picture...

 

the parson gets to the grey castle over the one bridge above the moat.

parson: imagine there were two bridges...

inside the castle is the first secret Masonic university. the parson breaks a few castlestones over this head to gain entrance to the wood trapdoor and undoes the heavy pewter lock from the inside using his elbow.

parson: the first elbow grease.

there's a grimoire open on a carved book stand.

parson: the cover of this book says VILLAGE CIVICS. but this book is just the King James Bible!!!

he flips to the end page.

parson: i hate spoilering like this but i have not time. 23 years. here we go it says: he who holds the silver holds the key to the village.

parson: does the blacksmith fashion the key out of misbegotten silver from France? silver is more valuable than gold, silver is foreign. 

the parson notices a blank long scroll in the corner of the old dusty room. he closes his eyes and imagines writing on the scroll. he opens his eyes to witness the writing on the scroll saying: everyone in the world will get their news from CNN, it will be the subconscious default source of news for the world.

parson: i'm still a wizard!!!

THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: THE PARSON'S PICKLE

 

in this Medieval village, as in all Medieval villages, the priest holds the power, he's the one who makes the civic decisions on where the village is going.

village priest: because i determine where all my denizens will end up after death.

on this morrow a parson skips into town pretending to be a horse.

parson: i'm not here to collect tax. first thing i notice is the blacksmith of this village gets all the women!!! it's like he has a thrall over them.

the parson sneaks in the mousehole in the blacksmith's shoppe to catch a glimpse of the blacksmith's people skills.

parson: he's just shaping metal with his churning hammer, sparks flying everywhere. the sparks of romance, ah.

James Spader: i should have been a mayor in a Grand Theft Auto game...

Match Game: all the '70s contestants had the hobby of waterskiing. 

California: nobody has hobbies anymore...

the village archbishop: it was only betting on a high school boys' basketball tournament, i'm a bishop, it coulda been worse!!!

Gollum: the new diamond-art Animal Farm movie features a Cybertruck.........getting destroyed in a symbolic way, don't worry.

LeVar Burton in the Star Trek: The Next Generation Reading Rainbow episode: the editor is the actual person who makes the show. not the writers, not the director.

Patrick Stewart: why must we do each scene 13 times?!!! why is there a string above my bald head? i'm going back to the theatre, where it's ONE TAKE!!!

gaslighting: on gas prices.

Regular Show: The Lost Tapes: if you're a slacker, the best thing you can do is find another slacker to be your best friend.

Melissa Maker: we're flying you out to Toronto for the audition.

me: i'm finally becoming an actor?!!!

Melissa: to see if you have what it takes to be a stepdad to my daughter. 

Jen R: he thought he was gonna be on Degrassi.

Melissa: you're more Puppets Who Kill material. i'm dating Kawhi and he tells me the Raptor rims are rubbed with maple-bacon grease.

me: i'm getting rimmed by Melissa Maker?

Kawhi Leonard: Melissa and i are quiet Canadians...

Marathon Man.

Dustin Hoffman: we finally got mugged in New York City.

Marthe Keller: are you okay, babe? that is, are you okay, Babe?

John Schlesinger: notice how i made New York City a dingy small town...

Paris Hilton: let's just give "Stars Are Blind" to Gwen Stefani, it's weird otherwise.

Alaska Airlines: who is that mysterious Inuk man on our planes? he is Inuk-matic, enigmatic.

women: all women can agree that the only video game we like is Mario Kart...

Vera: the world would be nicer if George Burns was God.

George Burns: look at my face. see? you don't have to fear death anymore...

Janel Parrish: HBO Miranda Cosgrove...

Herb Ritts: not herb roots. i prefer the Triscuit but i'm one of a handful who think Cecily Strong is ugly. let Alan Cumming play me. i wa just about to photograph for "Puttin' on the Ritz" by Taco. i prefer a buddy burrito. 

Keith Haring: are we brothers?...

Anna Wintour: think of fashion as a Rembrandt. i got into this business to make Roger Federer a male model, that is all.

Jesus: i mean i went to 13 different courts, 13 different judges, and they all found me not guilty!!!

parson: how do you do it?

blacksmith: it's simple geometry, knave. take a look at these scrolls freshly inked by the monks here.

parson: that's a LONG-ASS scroll. does it have the obsolete Roman Mass on it?

blacksmith: no, as you can see it's a picture of my penis. the monks are great drawers of dicks.

parson: i love the colors they used on your little man. what's my size?

blacksmith: well you can plainly see yourself depicted in the corner there. with your pickle.

parson: that's how small i am? and i came to town to put a tax on pickles.

the parson realized he had to make a major life change. and FAST because the average lifespan around here was 23.

parson: i better be a farmer from now on, i can blend in more easily here. slip out if the village turns on me. i need to grow pickles and grow my pickle.

the blacksmith in the other hovel not eavesdropping: yeah, i better change career paths, too. the real power is in the mayorship. must i slay the priest to be the priest? that seems precarious for my eternal soul.

Ric Flair with a Dutch Boy haircut: ...

Ric Flair: there's plenty of nature around here, the woods are still plentiful...

the parson notices the blacksmith having another late-night soiree with the maidens who are not waiting to enter his lair.

parson: man that guy is always entertaining. that sooty smith hogs all the mead in the village, too!!!

after the party it's up to the parson to clean up. while everyone is on the hay drunk he tiptoes over the cobblestone to the blacksmith's forge, there he discovers all the chastity belts the blacksmith is working on.

parson: it's not about attraction, it's about control. i think i just became a wizard!!!

ERRANDS: BASEBALL ALICE

 

at Encino Little League in the '80s, you are hit with abounding memories. they form a blanket of haze for you to see in. the baseball field is a barn its roof blown off by a mild L.A. storm. Mel from that '80s show Alice is the umpire behind home plate, he puts on that dusty black chest protector and is barefoot in the dust in the tradition of all hulking feral line cooks.

Vic Tayback: no mask, i wear my Popeye hat while counting balls and strikes.

as you go from home plate to the diamond to the outfield, you remember Alice, she was your mom, and her son Tommy was YOU. every time Linda Lavin spoke that was your mom's life lesson, her weekly wisdom to you.

Flo Castleberry: Flo plays shortstop!!! so i get the front-row-seat view of the players' butts. 

Jen R: remember that whole Flo storyline? we were toddlers but we got fragments, visions.

Flo: everybody in America remembers when i LEFT Mel's Diner, THAT episode, we all cried collectively as a united nation.  

as you get sunflower seeds from a gumball machine in the parents' parking lot on the other side of the farm by turning a quarter, you remember Vera.

me: Vera is ME. she's sensitive, loves old black-and-white movies, and is NAIVE, she wants the world to be kind but it's not and she can't take that.

Jen: she cries often when everything seems wrong.

Vera: i sleep in the bed from the "Princess and the Pea" episode of that Shelley Duvall anthology. i was the first representation on network TV of a woman who was deeply mentally ill. which just means i had a vast imagination, i was always happy. don't put me near that bottle of pills that are meant to help my depression. i thought the people on soap operas were real, don't we all? that's just good writing.

Leonardo diCaprio: i'm actually looking for a woman my mother's age. because all boys want to marry their mother.

Timothee Chalamet: i'm Leonardo diCaprio during his young-brat days.

a shaved Clark Gable in Red Dust: i'm Uncle Jesse from Full House but like WAY less nice.

Jean Harlow: you're not positive like John Stamos at all!!!

Bob Belcher: i don't care, i want Clark Gable playing me in the live-action movie...

The Howling: before this movie, werewolves were big neutered asexual dogs. 

Bob Barker: not the romantic wild beasts in Nature they were destined to be. all creatures want to fuck Linda Hamilton.

dad: ...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: all robots, too.

Jesus turning over the money changers at the Temple: wow, i've never been this angry in my life. well one time when dad wouldn't let me take the car to prom. BUT to show you what i'm made of i will be the first man EVER to go to anger management...

Ray J: my body count is 12,500. now i haven't actually slept with 12,500 women, there aren't that many women in the world. and who's got time for 12,500 women?!!! better to sleep with your soulmate 12,500 times. 

Kim Kardashian: you said i was your first!!!

Billy Corgan: all my slow songs are lullabies...

The Howling: oh my god!!! Elliott's mom turned into Chewbacca!!!

Fred: remember when i ruled YouTube? then i casually mentioned i was gay and was never heard from again...

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest: the story of a bird named Jonathan Livingston Seagull...

Michelangelo on a small wooden plank on his back painting the Sistine Chapel: this wooden plank will be the first '70s long skateboard...

Leslie Sbrocco: know how you know your restaurant food is good? you're DANCING as you eat it...

Charles and Camilla at a Virginia block party.

Charles: random.

Camilla: we don't have block parties in England, dahlin, only on Coronation Street.

Charles: Virginia, if we hadn't let that Colony go none of this would have happened. 

Camilla: is the coconut oil for our sex later, dahlin?

Charles: that's what movie-theatre popcorn butter is over here, dahlin: coconut oil. the only movie i've ever seen is The King's Speech.

Paolo Banchero: black Lucio Rossi...

Trent Reznor singing "Physical": i would do all of these things!!! that would be better than sex!!!

Trent: of course the irony being all of these things are NOT sex...

Linda Lavin: you remember Alice Hyatt. who stayed at a cheap motel, not the Hyatt. you remember those ladies in pink waitress uniforms, they were your first ladies, your first memory of TV was the show Alice. now get the Washing of the Feet ready, my son.

i put my mom's feet in a grey apple-bobbing trough and fill it gently with a waterfall of warm water from our stove kettle.

Linda: good boy, Tommy. omg my fucking toes just orgasmed!!! it's like sex that relieves, not for pleasure, you know? got any of those little orange sponges you put in between toes? anything for dinner? i've been on my feet all day.

Tommy opens the white refrigerator which has a handle that looks like a silver hand plane.

Tommy: liver sandwich in saran wrap, no onions, wedge of holey orange cheese in white butcher's paper, milk from a purple carton...

Jen: help me move this GIANT '70s vacuum...

me: i'll get the other end. this vacuum is a computer!!!

Linda Lavin: there is nothing more depressing than a mother who has to bury her son.

Philip McKeon: ...

Linda Lavin singing softly: bom bom bom bom bom bom.