Friday, September 20, 2019

NO NOT THAT JOHNSON, THE OTHER JOHNSON




notes:

* director to baby: sorry, mate, the Gerber Baby came before you and is probably more famous than you. at least right now.
baby cries.
mother: that was cruel.
director: just preparing the cute little devil for the real world in 2050...

* babies grow up.
the President takes the phone call alone in his room.
meanwhile a black woman is just being born who rolls around in a white faux fur throwback shag carpet...

* when you fall down, get back up. after some animal crackers.

* daughter: mom, what's a swing?
mother: darling let me tell you about how kids used to be. there were these things called playgrounds, green little things, not toxic green. but then The Polluton came and we all had to go inside The Bubble forever. i remember i used to get teased mercilessly for having scraped knees but i didn't care…
daughter: you played in the world? you didn't just interact with it?
mother: Trouble was a board game, not the renamed planet once known as Earth.

* daughter in dad's arms: dad, i have a fever.
dad wipes away sweat from daughter's forehead.
dad: you're soaked!
daughter: yeah, dad, when you're hugging me, can you keep me away from the pan flame when you're cooking?

* daughter: look, ma, no hands!
mother: huh. i was expecting a bike but you fell from a tree...

* acne kid with glasses: this one is for the nerds. i'm here at the beach with this babe and we're sharing a huge blanket. ONE huge blanket. here we go, i'm gonna score...i'm gonna in for the score...
girl: you like eating burritos?
acne kid: i like eating tacos but what has that go to do with anything?
girl: just checking. i'll kiss you on one condition: only if my tongue gets caught on your braces.
acne kid: you know this is the first time i've ever been to the beach...

* man: i love you, cat.
cat: i love you, too.
man tries to get up but his cat is stuck to his head like a headscarf.
man: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
cat: i'm attached to you forever, you're a catman now, you said you loved me.

* i can't see! i dropped my contact lens but i can't see where i dropped it!

* Mr. Miyagi: low blow, bro.
karate fighter white: i'm okay. blue fucked up my eye, i'm gonna need stitches, but i'm good to go.
Miyagi: you'll thank your rival in time for what he did to you, believe me. own your crown.
karate fighter blue: it's not my fault, i just did what you taught me, sensei.
Miyagi: *laughing* Cobra Kai, they play dirty, but they are fucking hilarious!
white: how now brown cow
Miyagi: choose a different catchphrase.

* why couldn't you have saved Pedro, God!!?

* i need protection from the sun. is there an SPF for Global Warming?

* look, ma, i'm climbing this mountain! i'm scaling this rockface with no hands! hey, it's better than getting my hands stuck in a hole...

* husband: honey, you're gonna have the baby in this bus!
wife: fuck you! you did this to me! i should have married your brother!
husband: i'm sorry, honey, but i can't help, i have to drive the bus now.

* babies will have babies...hopefully only after they're well-adjusted adults…

* sometimes they go to dark places...
Anna stews in her room in the dark.
Anna's girlfriend at Mykonos: Anna! hug me, you bitch! how are you?
Anna: fine. turns out i was only depressed cos my parents thought me being a carpetmuncher was a sin.

* here at Johnson & Johnson with your grant money we're makin' cyberbrains and...

* female farmer: i had cancer. then i didn't.
Maria LaRosa: bully for you. but that ain't gonna save you from the tornado heading your way right down the path you stand on right fucking now...

* Mark Spitz: hello, America. you know me from all those fucking Olympic gold medals i won in the '70s. people say those golds don't count cos it was the '70s. to which i say to those people fuck you. i was in the best shape of my life back then. but then i tried high-diving cos i was all-man with a hairy chest and thought i could handle it...

* what are the chances you get in a massive car-accident wreck in the hospital parking lot...?

* man on piano: i'm back from stroke. my fingers can move again! too bad i still can't read the sheet music...

* two old men at a gala table: it's cool we're FINALLY getting married. too bad we had to WAIT for America to FINALLY not be homophobic anymore.
two old men: yep yep yep yep yep......we wasted all of our good years for no good reason...

* old couple: it's never too late to find love.
old couple: yeah but don't put us up on the chairs, we'll break our collective hip just joined fused in union in holy matrimony and we just ordered the walk-in tub.

* Charlie Rose in a green shirt holding his grandson.
Charlie: i'm about to die so i'll leave you with this: if you do an interview show, get a set of New York City in the background to distract. never invite any guests, only you, just do monologues like Spalding Gray. okay, one guest: Mike Tyson. DO NOT SHOWER!!! walk-in tub only!

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: Toasted Cheddar Chalupa. taste the toast. cos you know me and ridged foods...

hey kids, keep going! play hooky from school more often, that was awesome! i wish i could have done that sort of thing when i was a kid...well then again, maybe not...





Wednesday, September 18, 2019

BOXED: THE STONES BEFORE THE STONES


Tamron Hall takes a deep breath and steps out onto the stage of her future. but before that she is accosted in the Hall.

by her old flame Lawrence O'Donnell:

Larry: hopefully i didn't damage you too much. why did you wait so late to conceive your first child? you're a gilf before you were ever given the chance to be a milf. why didn't we have a kid?

Tamron: i loved you, Big OD, but your socialist swimmers freaked me out, you know? like i just kept thinking of East Germany the whole time, our bed became an Olympic pool.

Larry: you are throwing shade on that promo for your show. Today took away your dream? i had nothing to do with that.

Tamron: same old same old. you can have a dream...unless Jay Leno has the same dream. are you sure you had nothing to do with Prince?

Larry: Tammy please!

Tamron: it's Tamron, you never once called me Tamron. it's just...strange things happen in elevators…

at the NBC Studios to the right, Shane Gillies is clearing out his locker.

Pete: that was really my locker.

Shane: i accept the decision. watch me on youtube, everybody...actually, don't.

Andrew Yang: 4%...

Shane: sales tax, life tax, or tip? i'm free for lunch, Andrew. Chinese?

Laertus: it should have been Liz Gillies, SHE needs to host SNL years ago! or be a cast member!

Eye Luggage: she's my Cecily Strong. i dream about her but that's about it. i have no confidence ever since my hammer left.

Vic Mignogna: Cancel Culture, right? it's so stupid!!! Cancel Cancel Culture! Cancel Culture presumes that humans are incapable of making mistakes, that they must be perfect from the womb and never trip up. it's a very un-Catholic way to be. if i could not be human right now and turn into a kawaii dinosaur i would. all i'm asking is for a second chance. i am sorry. and my wallet is sorry! limit me if you must, i'll only do highpitched squealing little-girl voices from now on.

Gohan descends and lands on the lonely mountain where Vic is eating vegan beans out of a can.

Gohan: why'd you call me a fag? i'm a family man.

Vic: that wasn't me! how could i have planted that, i'm up here on the mountain! the only plant i plant is mids. uh, meds. nothing wrong with being a fag, especially if you're also a Christian.

Gohan: i'm not a Christian, i'm a Christian Mystic. see the blue sparkling glowing light all over my body?

Vic: yeah what is that exactly?

Gohan: it was Ultra Instinct or Super Saiyan Blue before those were named and made famous. the real question is, why are YOU blue in the face right now?

Vic: i got a bad case of blue balls...i REALLY need to get back to work...

at the Debate:

Biden: the real question is, do YOU know if you're Julian or Joaquin? forget already?

Julian Castro: i'm the Joker.

Biden: no I'M the Joker, have you seen my smile?

Chris Matthews in the Chamber:

Chris: i'm sick of being a Senator's lapdog, I want to ask the questions! are you a Bump flunkie!? is that what you are!? A BUMP FLUNKIE!!?

Lewandowski: ask me after the Election.

Chris: *growling* LAPDOG!!!

President Bump: what's with all the animal noises? okay, Pence, come on in, i won't bite.

Pence pops his head in, checks right then left then left again, then enters.

Bump: it was a nickname, Pence, that's all. a lovable cuddable nickname. i still won't have a pet but YOU will have a pet! wanna meet her?

Pence: female. good. okay, as long as it's not too...

Bump: it's a cat.

Pence: oh good. sigh of relief. i thought you were gonna trot out a kangaroo or something...

Dean Winters comes in with a cat collar around his neck and pounces Pence in the face.

Felicity Huffman gets out of prison just in time to play Kim Clijsters in the movie...

Clijsters: i LOVE little triangular whitebread sandwiches with the crusts cut off! no meat, just cucumber...

Dirg: i mean do you still say "sick" when you're 30?

Laertus: do you still go to the mall when you're 30?

Eye: hey, whatever works, right?

Dirg: you still think she's attainable, don't you? you still think she's cute. is that Diet Coke i smell under your breath, young lady?

Eye: well of course i do. i mean she's been with everyone else in the world, right?

Eye: Mr. Federer, if you will, do the honors. the weather report...

Fed has been sleeping on the podcast couch for years now. with both eyes closed.

Fed: huh? what? wake me up? gogo boots? i'm turned. weather? right.

Laertus: like that new hurricane. you know i HATE looking at my tv now and seeing that Florida governor give the hurricane warnings, cos it should have been the black man who actually won the ship and the chip giving us the report!

Dirg: Andrew Gillies, right?

Fed: yeah right, that hurricane. that hurricane! which helped me win my last U.S. Open! man that was SO far and long ago...

the crones travel to Penistown. and take in the Penistown Paramount Cinema:

Gladyce: *the look* darling!

Doryce: what? i like this place. that's all. it's a good photo-op with the sign. i like signs from around the world. wish i got one from Bama.

Gladyce: so how did you like your cruise, babe?

Doryce: oh wonderful! you know the only reason i go on cruises is for the free drinks.

Gladyce: can bleu cheese be in a can? can it be sprinkled? or does it need to be gooey?

Doryce: always choose gooey. Parmesan Cheese, the green cans, it's the great quandary, do you refrigerate the parmesan cheese or leave it in the still-broken-door cupboard after opening?

Gladyce: the great spiritual quandary, dear. it's sold at The Store on those shelves, not in the freezer section.

Doryce: yes, but they say putting it in the fridge keeps it fresh, makes it last longer.

Gladyce: but wouldn't that dry out the cheese? make it hard? make it into a cheese stone, a hard ball in a can?

Doryce: don't get me heated, honey, i'm horny now!

Madame Pons: what do you want me to do with your channel and all your followers, Sue?

Sue Su: put them in a Doctor Who holding pattern for now, a floating sleeping 100-year coma.

Pons: *looking at huge tri-screen* you got a LOT of followers! and they all got torches! what did you promise these folks?

Sue: i was bottling my bathwater and selling it online. but as you know, i need a break.

Pons: perhaps something less enticing more enlightening. there we go. see? better than a black screen, aye? maybe if you steered these folks in a different direction, deflate the situation, less anger and more light, healing the hate. give them something to grow on like those enriching Betty Whitebread commercials from the '80s, commercials now are all about stupid stuff like chicken nuggets. let me try something here. put the camera on me:

Pons: hello world. and greater universe. -es. think about this tonight as you sleep with your torch under yout bed:

something you do now might not manifest in your life for 10 years. that's right, a decade will pass before that thing you did now reverberates in the stream and rewards you with a new "coincidental" running into your soul mate at the toy store or a new job offer cos the merge just happens to go under. but see our society is so wired for immediate instant DM satisfaction gratification the thought of waiting 10 years for something anything blows up our minds, not in a good way. 

good night. sweet decade dreams.

Sue: the smartphones are blowing up! you're getting a billion new followers, not my followers, YOUR unique followers!

Linzess woman: they will not replace us. babes with big butts i mean. you see the new Linzess commercial? what is that!? first of all it's two stories in one, that never works. the man and the woman, at least make them a couple in the end. second, a woman skating on ice not half-naked at the Olympics? that's never gonna sell. nor fly. up.

Laertus: i appreciate the new IHOP item, the Haunted Coffee, very nice, i want to see how that tastes, what flavor the foam is. black licorice? but NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING is worth traveling that long 10-hour Salinas country road, NOTHING! NO NEW TASTE is worth it! sorry, IHOP. nice commercial tho.

Eye: Cokie Roberts died. she was a gilf. or a grand-gilf.

Dirg: from an overdose, right?

Laertus: uh, no. she created the soft liberal sound that's music to my ears. debate, discussion, not shock jocks. tote bags not tough talk. she reminded me of my aunt who lives in Manhattan Beach and winters in Maine with Barnesy and the brew crew.

Dirg: same. that's why i got itchy whenever i saw her on screen. too remindy of my family gets you no points with me.

Eye: Children of the Stones, go.

Laertus: this was something! brilliant. it had that vibe of something Doctor Who would steal from later on...

Dirg: back when kids were kids! and not such pussies! kids could take this sort of hard thing. hair on their breasts. make them question the faith they were brought up in. make them scared, terrified, horrified of light! more Halloween, less Christmas!

Cotard: you know this was Man's first representation of his native understanding of what The Stones were. later, The Rolling Stones rolled along flattening everything in their path, making The Stones into roadkill pancakes in their '70s hippie bus and stole all the copyrights. Mick had a big mouth so everybody listened to him. of course you humans don't REALLY know what The Stones are even now, haven't come close, scratched the surface, the wrong surface. the answer still lies in space...

Eye: bring back bellbottoms! and boys with dodgy floppy hair and open shirts. David Cassidy be still my heart!

Dirg: David Dementia in his later years. how did the son get cool hair from his father's fro?

Laertus: science, he was a scientist, they both were. science is cool.

Dirg: squireboy hair. this played around with the whole Loop thing before Lost tried it. the neverending ending that loops back and starts at the beginning again.

Laertus: oh man, it was so interesting to see that back in the '70s cutting-edge technology were those computers the size of buildings. like these tall computer towers were marketed as The Scary Future, there'd be a tall computer tower the size of a skyscraper in every home soon!

Eye: yeah, even the mere concept of a computer was this new unknown scary macabre thing. a non-human robot, a cold unfeeling machine. a COMPUTER? to calculate the stars? and the angle of the Light? to masterfully cull the herd and make better zombies!

Dirg: do you think the boy still did his homework on time throughout all the strange goings-on? i hate how we're in college and people are still calling this summer. once you're in school, summer is over!

Laertus: technically it is still summer. like technically you're "in college" in the sense that you're college-age.

Dirg: they had that big stone roundtable, what did they use it for? at least serve Roundtable Pizza on it as the bad guy foolishly reveals his master plan out loud.

Laertus: Dai was one of the characters, the name gives it away.

Dirg: the girl was cute, but so was her ginger mother---had the good Cecily genes. i'd touch my big stones i mean a big stone for a woman like that, a celt chick with floppy red hair, an Irish Tragedy Joycean lass with the existential forever fate so stream-of-consciousness you have to make up words for it. that celtic chanting music was creepy as fuck. effective. low and escalating quickly. like a Moonrise Kingdom choir. very low-tech special effects, but even i thought for a second there that the Stones were talking to me.

Laertus: what did i tell you about inhaling the unpopped popcorn.

Dirg: my headcanon is that the ginger mom was jealous of her daughter, cos the daughter had bigger tits than her. and a nicer butt. that's why she was subconsciously okay with letting her daughter join a dangerous cult. with her to keep an eye on her. a pretty stone is still a stone.

Eye: but she did not! believe me i checked the tape. there was no scene where they showed Red Mom's ass! it was so frustrating! i was so ready to push the button and stop the tape! on the mark i mean.

Eye: we'd like to thank the Home Run Inn here in Chicago for having us tonight as we podcast another John Hughes film, Pretty In Pink. thanks again. one night only we know, clean up after ourselves, no weekends.

Dirg: the name refers to when the Italian immigrants scored. in bed. and the deepdish was born.

Dirg: okay i'll start, this John Hughes...is a minor John Hughes, you know? minor leagues. it just doesn't seem as BIG as his other ones.

Laertus: true, it was intimate, more intimate, took place in a small town, they're always mining towns, true middle-class, working class, never any money, and always Molly Ringwald playing against type.

Dirg: Duckie. AMAZING performance, a cryer shame he didn't get the Oscar. i mean he's basically the girl's gay friend and yet we're supposed to believe he has a thing for her and wants to marry her someday.

Eye: yeah that was the thing in the '80s, those lines got crossed, it was the same subset of confusing feelings and emotions whether you were gay or the friendzone guy, you felt the same way, sidelined at the sunset. even if you were straight, you might as well have been gay for all the sex you never got. "friendzoned" wasn't a word in the '80s yet.

Dirg: why wasn't James Spader the love interest? he was WAY more compelling than the cipher who is the actual love interest, name escapes me. Spader was making some very cogent points, don't knock points off him just cos he's rich. bullies are people, too, they need love.

Laertus: no way Spader deserved the sweetness and light of Ms. Molly Ringwald! oh that brawl was real: the nerd with the silly hat CAN pummel the Miami Vice Ken. if you love someone you're willing to die for them, that's real strength, just ask Haku and Zabuza.

Dirg: this was Annie Potts's heyday. her Designing Women time when she was still the hot young nubile Southern belle babe, the milf, well at least the hot older sister who could still squeeze into leather pants. why'd they diss Madonna like that? cos she's new? teenagers back then were so lucky---lucky star---they could work at a record store as an actual legitimate afterschool job! can you imagine doing that today? what would that look like? what do you want us millennials to do next? actually bag our own groceries slash fast-food?

Eye: Annie was perfect for the Madonna biopic back then, she should have played her. or her part in Desperately Seeking Susan, the non-Madonna part.

Dirg: i know the highlight of this film is the Duckie Dance. but i gotta say, it was quite unmemorable for me, i forgot it as soon as i watched it. didn't copy it at my toilet later that night. poor Duckie, that's the beta's move, to make friends with the dad instead of just snatching the girl you want off her feet like the alpha would.

Laertus: Otis Redding was cool for teenagers back then, just think about that. a more tender time. heavy scene wth Molly and her dad, very Infinity Train. why didn't the mom stick around? her daughter is fucking Molly Ringwald! like honestly what mother would just abandon her family like that? my headcanon is that the mom got kidnapped Scientology-style and is currently serving as a silent maid for James Spader in his mansion, in the basement, she is sworn to secrecy and can't reveal her location or she doesn't get paid, she's secretly wiring the money to the family but it gets blocked by Spader secretly cos he's the only one on the block with a computer. there, in the basement, Spader teaches the mom the Tenets. and in my Infinity Train twist, Annie Potts is of course the mother!

Eye: in all fairness, the boy DID do the right thing in the end, he rejected his richness and his richieness and got the girl.

Laertus: yeah but we all know Duckie should have ended up with Molly, it's just cosmically right, always marry your best friend to avoid divorce. ALTERNATE ENDING IS CANON. but you know the studio really had an interesting take on why they went with what they went with: they were trying to avoid class warfare, they wanted to make it possible for a poor girl and a rich boy to be a real couple like that, no obstacles to love, no railroad TRAX in the way, to show that that was possible.

Eye: a girl can dream. but really all girls should marry their gay best friend.

at the con, Dirg is blending his tears, hiding them from the public, dunking his head under a green waterfall.

Laertus: hey buddy. why so glum?

Dirg: i'm not crying! i'm good. just depressed. i'm here at Dew Falls...

Laertus: come on, let's get a Sprite together.

Dirg: *crosses curse-mark with his fingers* hiiissssss! no Sprite! Sprite is false advertising! it's clear just like 7-Up but it's bottled in a green bottle to trick you. AND it has no caffeine! what's the point of drinking it?

Ghislaine Maxwell: have you tried Starbucks Oatmeal? you'd think Starbucks and oatmeal don't match...but the more you think about it, they do match. it's good! with the berries and everything, very hearty and heartwarming and filling. it sticks to my tit ribs.

Dirg: buddy, Etika, i've been thinking about him a lot lately. if he had been sent that Prince video as his last video to his phone's feed, everything would have changed for him and he'd be with us today. that Prince video where Prince warns about the dangers of the internet, way back in 1999 as The Matrix was just breaking the internet and was still a new concept. be on the computer, don't let the computer be on you. go beyond. use the computer, don't let the computer use you. there's a war going on: the battlefield is the mind, and the prize is the soul...










Monday, September 16, 2019

TMIT: C'EST LA VIE




1. for you, happy life = ? +? = ?

2 + 2 = 5

2. how confident are you that your relationship will last?

things were going well with my dad, i thought we were making progress, i thought we had hit a breakthrough...

BUT THEN THIS HAPPENED, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

3. studies show exercise can improve your mood in the moment and play a preventative role for the future. how often do you exercise? what is your exercise?

THIS explains it all finally. i don't exercise, never have! THAT's why i'm so depressed all the time! the only exercise i do is i masturbate 10 times a day...you'd think my cock would be all buff from all that exercise but it's still basically your average cock.

4. how recently has someone been hurt by your actions? did you attempt to make things right or apologize?

J'Existe. the mere fact that i exist hurts people. by my very nature. it happens 10 times a day when i'm trying to write clever jokes in the comments and end up badly offending the very person i'm trying to impress. raise the salaries of all the comedians out there, it's harder than it looks to craft jokes without offending. good jokes anyway. and then of course when you try to apologize they just think you're playing them and you play yourself twice. a writer's life is cursed, trust.

5. solitude---do you welcome it or loathe it?

doesn't matter how i feel about it, i live it.

it especially hurts in Las Vegas. i get scared in Las Vegas a lot. the only person who can calm me is Morticia Addams in a safari hat walking down the Strip smoking a cig on a black longstem pipe.

BONUS: share with us something you haven't told a partner but would like to:

when i cum, i smell like pain cream.

BONUS BONUS: the boy on Small Wonder: Billy Corgan
the boy on Wonder Years: Marilyn Manson
the boy on Children of the Stones: take your pick, either British Shaggy or James Dean reincarnated by the Stones...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, September 13, 2019

SESAME STREET GOT NOTHIN' ON MY HOOD



notes:

* Mister Rogers: what's with this song? the kids are singing bout all they want to do is get high. is this Sesame Street or Wonder Showzen?

* Mister Rogers: i was the original.
Aaron Rodgers: but look at my cool 'stache.
Mister Rogers: son that's an original '70s porn stache. i ran into them everyday in the halls, PBS and all the porn made in the world filmed in the same building in Van Nuys.

* Mister Rogers: you know i resented Sesame Street. they came on after us and had all the glamour and glitz and Daytime Emmys and all the puppets they wanted for free. we couldn't afford puppets, we had to do REAL acting. then, Jim Henson defected over to the dark side and i just about blew a gasket, i almost took my red sweater off. when Big Bird came to visit for a special crossover show i gave him a tour of the kitchen and my new stove...Big Bird said he couldn't enter the kitchen cos his neck was too long but he was skurred. Big Bird stayed outside the kitchen and admired the blinking yellow light of my big black street light.

* parents: remember how terrifying it was on that first day of school?...…...luckily for us we get to hang out around the bus here as we drop off our dazed kids and just take our time solely slowly sipping our coffee in yellow cups. *group laugh*
Mister Rogers: *awkward laugh after* haha...…...where's Big Bird?

* little girl: here's your straw fedora, mister, you a Communist Cuban?
old grandpa: no girl, i used to run the store here at Sesame Street. my name was Gordon. now it's #325647.
girl: what happened?
old grandpa: gentrification. i'm really Spike Lee aged rapidly.

* neighborhood kids: bitch i mean lady why are you a damn mail carrier? why aren't you in the NBA!!?
mailwoman: cos it's not really the NBA, it's just the WNBA.
neighborhood kids: those shorts are fly. why do you wear shorts instead of pants?
mailwoman: cos it's fucking hot, haven't you noticed!!? my forehead is sweating buckets but i can wear the ninja headband! imma school yo asses. hey what are you doing!!? why you comin' after me!!? oh, just a high-five.

* kids scream.
collective garden: haha, it's fun, kids! right? when i hose you down with water.
kids: STOOOOOPPPPP WASSSTTTIINNGG WAAAATTTEERR!!!! YOU'RE KILLING THE PLAAAAAAAAANET!!!
fire breaks out in the neighborhood...

* woman: a woman holding the door for another woman? are you gay?

* there's a little good around every corner. unfortunately there are no more corners in neighborhoods, they've all been sanded down...

* this is so arty and artsy we ain't even gonna show you their faces...the symbolism of that...we are all one...

* that's really a guy with a mullet
audience: how can you play the violin with the spotlight shining directly into your eyeholes?
girl/guy: um, i memorized it.

* i don't know how to climb up stairs. i've only ever used escalators my whole life. this isn't just a millennial thing.

* i hope my date's not allergic to ragweed…
date: buster, this is jimsonweed! what are you trying to say about me!!?

* bullied boy smiles at pretty girl.
basketball player smiles back.

* doctor removing his surgical mask sullenly: i miss House...

* that is so beautiful, THAT is country, outdoor wedding in the summer heat, gingham dress, stage lit up with Christmas lights in September, all it needs for a clincher is that she's marrying herself...

* you got the part?
i'm your soul mate
no the auto part

* dad: i'm dancing with you now cos i don't know if i'll make it to your wedding. you might become Royalty or i'll have to be forced to eat a veggie burger.

* Sandra Prinsloo: what's the big deal, right? i'm just dancing with my husband.
husband: i know, right?
Sandra: America? you had it easy! come down to South Africa some time!

* okay you can buy that knickknack but you also have to buy the refrigerator, they're a set, that's actually a magnet.

* how many damn rollers?
88, like a piano

* CANNONBALL!
wait, that's Infinity Train!!!

* like this, like this, salt bae
dead meme, bro. and it's insulting to do that in a real kitchen.

* see this dreamcatcher? it's gonna be my next thigh tattoo...

* i can't get any work done, all our offices are six panels of clear glass, we're constantly being spied on...

* so i'm appreciative of this birthday celebration. you've all gathered around my long table here. at night to keep me company from the weird noises i always heard. it's weird without a fire but they said that'd be a fire hazard. i see the concha is in the shape of conches, nice touch. and yeah so, well, not all of us from the island could be here tonight...*swats at flies*…

* manager: haul him away! he was flashing gang signs!
dj: that's just my finger symbols for BASS DROP. is this cos you don't like my choice of cake?

* i played it so good i turned into a woman

CLICK HERE

THEN HERE

happy weekend, my babies. my babies climate change is real, global warming is a thing, i've felt it personally. in my bones. it's fucking hot out here. so hot they cracked me. no not drugs, like an egg on any sidewalk in America---but more like Brooklyn with the jumprope and the hydrant-fountain and the Corner McDonald's under the stoop. i went to the Starbucks inside the McDonald's for some fuel, some nitro fuel for my rocket ship to Planet B which is Hoth. but the Nitro Cold Brew was just coffee.





Wednesday, September 11, 2019

BOXED: ALL STYLE ALL SUBSTANCE


Dennis from the AV Club is weeping mercilessly on the lap of a red-dressed Leslie Jones. Leslie is okay with this cos she's used to having crying white boys grovel at her feet. as Dennis moves his head over to Cecily Strong's lap, Ceily hits him in the head with her keys before Dennis has a chance to snuggle up to Cecily's tits.

Cecily: keep the crying to a minimum, buster, it's unmanly! remember, women are always watching you now.

Leslie: why you cryin', white boy!? you're not the one who got canned. I still got my credit for The Master.

Dennis: cos imma miss you, Leslie! i'll miss you REAL bad! YOU were the only reason i stuck around with the weekly SNL AV Club reviews each week for so long, i HATE doing them, i've hated doing them for 10 years now, i do it cos for some reason they keep paying me to. i actually HATE the show, have hated it for years, what this show has become. but YOU were my sole shine, i was the only one defending you in the press when the mob attacked you for not being funny or shouting all the time or playing into Tom + Jerry stereotypes. you granted me so much white-liberal street cred my guilt ALMOST got used up by a sponge. honestly honestly, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW!!? i don't want to go back to my drudgery terrible job of reviewing this godawful sketch-comedy show. there's no fun in reading the comments now.

Leslie: i'm not dead, just graduating.

Dennis: see? the comments for that would have been is she graduating from an actual acting academy? to which i would have white-liberal-knighted you, defended your honor, the smell of your rosey pussy by saying to that heathen commenter back off, bitch! she's mine!!! you didn't go to school, either, you're 12 years old!!! i went to an Ivy in Maine!!!

Cecily: hey buster, i'm still on the show.

Dennis: you, my dear, represent everything i can never have in my life, i secretly hate you for that no matter how talented you are, that will always be reflected in my reviews of you.

Leslie: time for my replacement. and we all know who it should be. SNL needs a regular Asian on the cast: Nora Lum. i mean this is why MAD TV hates us, they were progressive LONG before us, they had Bobby Lee since 9/11!

Dennis: Nora who? Ephron? i don't do the SNL musical-guest reviews, i leave those for the Vice News experts, they review everything through the lens of mindful masculinity.

Cecily: it's so unfair what happened to my girl. Leslie was bullied out of her job by twitter!

Jack Dorsey: hey, come on, guys, twitter is just a tool, okay? it's like a gun. i mean how do you think I feel? you know what it's like to be trolled by the Dalai Lama?

Leslie: i've learned my lesson. i know what the world is now. i tried to be jovial and upbeat. i tried to find love in the video age like everyone else. but imma be hard now.

Dennis and Cecily: NO! you must keep your sweetness and light no matter what! only THAT will victor you against the bullies.

Ariana Grande: speaking of, don't you think we are OTP no matter what, Pete? i mean i literally had a dream that you were my soul mate, you can't contradict pixiedust fate like that! all this runnin' around we doing, it be stupid. let's reconcile and get back together.

Pete: i agree, bae. we were the BEST couple, the best match, we was matches. plus, i can't let Colin Jost WIN over me! he's won enough over me already! i'll be damned if i let a Harvie show me up, i'm from the streets! i'm my father's legacy!...…...okay well the only coupling which was hotter than us was me and Kate Beckinsale you gotta admit...

at the Cream House, President Bump has creamed his pants cos he got the wrong map in front of everybody under the hot news lights:

Bump: shit. no, not that one. okay press out, i have to make a very important phone call.

Maria Butina: um, one last question?

Bump: okay cos you're cute.

Maria takes a Polaroid flash of the map on Bump's desk.

Bump: that's your flash? *on the phone* Nick Saban?

Saban: yes? is that you, President Bitchcakes? *Pence in the background snickering*

Bump: you promised if i did this for you, you'd let me own the Alabama football team. i NEED to own a damn team, the NFL banned me for life cos i wouldn't kneel for the Pledge of Allegiance cos i'm too fat. stick that in your good ol' boy hayseed and vape it. Wilbur Ross?

Wilbur entrances on a wisp of air.

Bump: are you sure it wasn't you? you're already a ghost, you can feel atmospheric pressure. see folks i usually have my secretaries do the presentations with charts and graphs, i'm usually in the corner sniffing the Sharpie. i admit, i haven't been myself lately, ever since i lost control of the fleet of hurricanes i used to command, Vlad is being a meanie and a putz, he's the older brother but still it's unfair. no see, SEE? it was the NEXT hurricane i was talking about! THAT one will hit Alabama! SEE SEE? it's at 911 millibars!

Eye Lugagge: Mr. Fed, if you will the honors...

Federer: huh? did i sleep here last night? time has lost all meaning for me now. i mean we sponsored the fuck out of the Eye-Talian, the Hurricane-Eye-Talian, we had him wear the Barilla hat and everything. i'm not worried about Nadal, we're buddies, it's Djokovic who concerns me, i'm not friends with him, i can't control him with cake...

Chrissie Evert wearing a headscarf interviews Bianca Andreescu at the desk:

Chrissie: don't worry, this is for Rhoda, not you. i like the gypsies actually, they gave me some magic in the '70s. but the dust went right through my strings. so how do you think your life is gonna change?

Andreescu: honestly, i can't really answer that question, it's a four-dimensional concept depending on which soup i use.

Chrissie: did you say soup or soap? oh i can! and i will for you, honey buddy! bitch i mean Bianca missy let me tell you! you're gonna have strange men knocking on your hotel door at all hours. if you want a good time answer the one at 3AM...

Genie Bouchard: it's okay, Bianca, i ain't jealous. that was supposed to be me winning the first Canada Grand Slam, it was supposed to be me the Canadian Sharapova. but...i still got a better booty than you...

Andreescu: no you do not!

Doryce and Gladyce are finishing their stay at the newly-built newly-cultivated newly-refurbished Holman Hotel:

Doryce: so this is luxury on the Central Coast? fine-ing in Pacific Grove? i am disappoint, there was nobody in my penthouse suite when i slid my room key in...

Gladyce: dear, you must remember the Holman is brand new! still sussing out its clientele. we were honored and considered lucky to have stayed. tho it was weird that the entire hotel was built inside the cruise ship.

Doryce: how are you loving your cruise, dear?

Gladyce: it's only love cos it's with you, dear.

Doryce: what's your favorite part of a steakhouse wedge?

Gladyce: oh the CRISPY ONIONS!!! no, the COLD BACON! no the STEAK SEASONING!!!

Doryce: it's basically just pepper.

Gladyce: why is pepper lighter than salt?

Doryce: cos science has yet to experience the heaviness of my jealousy.

Gladyce: plus salt and witch spells just go together, right? oh THE BLEU CHEESE DRESSING!!! where the E is backwards cos all that rave Extasy in it makes you go bonkers in love.

Doryce: so THAT's what all those blue flecks are. Gladyce imma level with you: that was my cum, i wanted us to be closer...

Gladyce: no the best part is that it's an actual wedge! it's cut into a cute little shoebox shape of a wedge, it's a brick of salad! it's too cute to eat! it's more like a witch's shoe! who lives in a shoe with her many kids!

Doryce: we witches, we eat our young...

at LUSH the mob is breaking down the door. Madame Pons slips Sue Su in under cover of day and a dark blanket made of stars. she draws the drapes...meaning closes them.

Pons: it's getting crazy out there! i thought Phish were playing next week. at the park that's now an Amazon. how can finals be the first week? is this college now?

Sue: i'm sorry for being a burden on you, spirit sister. you know i wouldn't be caught dead in here, the smell is intoxicating in a bad way. but i have a problem. the mob at the con. did you see my livestream?

Pons: no, dear, i have to work or i die.

Sue: the crowd was getting rambunctious and violent, i was on stage but they were tearing down the stage! with their bare hands! and some tongues! they demanded to know if that was the vagina on the screen, if i was the vagina, if it was my pussy, the SS pussy! they were shouting at the top of their tippy lungs and with bad breath demanding i unbutton my fly jeans. my butterfly jeans.

mob: *fists* SHOW YOUR CUNT! SHOW YOUR CUNT!

Pons hugs Sue's head.

Pons: it's okay, dear, you're safe now. how'd they get tipped off?

Sue: me. but it's gone too far, it's gotten out of hand, it's out of my control now, it's a monster a life of its own.

Pons: that's what we women need in today's society: control of our love lives. do they know your boyfriend in the video?

Sue: i will NEVER reveal his name, much less his face, his identity is sacrosanct, i love him so much, he's everything to me, he's my super spy of success.

the famous Sue Su rests her crying head gently on Madame Pons's lap until she is all cried out and falls asleep on the lap.

Eye: Infinity Train and go.

Laertus: wow.

Dirg: right? you tell me what you think it all means.

Eye: why does this one get a second season and Over The Garden Wall did not? i was so looking forward to seeing those two boys in the same high school and it'd turn into a sitcom second season, Saved By The Recess Bell Handball Wall.

Dirg: you seem a little flustered, you're getting red over Tulip's red hair.

Eye: we raven goths don't trust gingers, they're outsiders, there's something weird about them, they're already all the witches we wish we could be.

Laertus: Stranger Things theme music…

Eye: or is that just standard '80s spooky synth music?…Zelda music...

Laertus: i love Tulip's black girlfriend. the one who DOESN'T like video games. Takahashi---wherever you are---cover your ears. there's not enough representation in media for that subset of humans.

Dirg: nonexistent for millennials. don't worry, Takahashi is always wearing his Rooster Teeth Beats By Dre headphones. using video games to help forget your real-life situation, i can relate...on a purely fictional level.

Laertus: this thing got dark. this thing got heavy. this thing got REAL. the divorce stuff, the writers didn't pull punches, it was nicely-done from a young woman's point of view who's just starting to forge relationships of her own and wonders who to trust. i thought of you watching those uncomfortable scenes.

Dirg: uh, thanks? i was just worried for those poor dolphins debasing themselves for our debased human enjoyment and debased culture. who cares if Flipper can flip? just buy some more pink cotton candy and goofy dolphin-fin hats cos this will be the only memory of all three of yous together.

Eye: does the robot ball end up an endearing pet or just annoying?

Dirg: represents the globe, right? dunno, i got used to it cos i watch a lot of Gundam. the Earth is a flat robot.

Laertus: that spaghetti-wormhole monster robot android thing was intimidating. something out of Miyazaki fused with a soldering gun with del Toro.

Dirg: yeah, those drama masks that are a woman's face and carved lips but with no eye pupils, it just makes me fear women more.

Laertus: there were clues along the way...if you bothered to look...me? that's a drag, i like to be surprised at the end.

Eye: oh i loved The Cat! cos she spoke sexy French! and she's the baddest bitch this side of the galaxy: Captain Janeway! Janeway was my first crush. you KNOW Janeway ONLY has Amazon-Position sex with her men!

Laertus: the Corgi, you don't mess with the Corgi, they're too cute, like papillons, you can't really do anything extreme with royal-looking dogs like that.

Eye: my first dog was a Welsh Corgi, except it was a Black Corgi and i named him Cerberus.

Boris Johnson: *on the phone* the Hair Club is now For Women, too? bollocks.

Jeremy Corbyn: i can see right through you! like i see right through a drain! spotted!

Boris: what? no the big girl's blouse is for CORBYN, not me! no we're not in Flock of Seagulls together! yes, the softest pink you can find, special-order it to 10 as soon as it comes in from Brazil. Australia? sigh, fine. i'll show it to Corbyn at the next Questions, i want to see the Speaker's face when it's time for show-and-tell.

Corbyn: you know, i used to be a Marxist, but actually it's more fun to believe in Fuerza. i want my god to be a woman, i want my god to dominate me sexually, for me to go down on her as she Amazon-Positions me on a soft cloud. THAT's hot. THAT's power. i want nothing to do with the god who created Bojo and Bump and Motel 666.

Codrus: hey, that hurts my feelings, Motel 6 and That Girl was my best work.  

Dirg: you know the writers all got drunk one night---like we do at this podcast every night---and plucked their brainstorms out of a hat to name all the rooms and all the train cars' inhabitants.

Laertus: and the same with securing music rights. you know they went through EVERY song in the songbook till they got "Word Up" simply because the "Word Up" lords decided not to press charges and allowed their song to be used. THANK YOU, Word Up, for not being a bitch about it. wouldn't ALL art be better if EVERY artist just let any artist use their work? just emails and paintbrushes, not courts or scales. songs would be better cos they'd be more influenced and influential. dramas would be chock full of so many references. comics would be a collection of lines. films would all be masterpieces. porn would be more feminist. the world would be a better safer place for ANY art.

Dirg: this show had me with its darkness in The Ball Pit Car. first of all it made me scared of Chuck E Cheese again, childhood flashbacks with my dad, Pasqually's mustache getting in my mouth, and that workplace shooting. but then the dog.

Eye: but you knew the dog death wouldn't last, it was a fakeout, it was another Family Guy Brian. they couldn't REALLY do that on a kid's show. i was in my feelings and REALLY ready to turn goth.

Laertus: the university rain stuff was a bit convoluted. the time-cop Swatch Watch stuff was convoluted. the mirror-self was a meditation on female masturbation, right?

Eye: yes. it always is.

Laertus: i was certain the woman in the robot suit at the end was Tulip's estranged mother. and then the family would get back together. but they went the realistic route, the parents trying to get along after the divorce for the sake of the kid.

Dirg: but by that time you're screwed. once they get divorced, your life is fucked, case study: Cobain. yeah, that's why i hate elite university stuff needlessly complicated for the proletariat mob. so, like i said, what do you think is the meaning of it all?

Laertus: The Infinity Train is a metaphor for---not to be trite or anything but---life. you're traveling to a destination you know not of, you have no idea who's REALLY in charge, there are forces beyond your control, there's no ROADMAP to it, no beginning, no end, it's just a train that keeps going on and on and on for no apparent reason. you meet people, strange people, at random. much like life, wouldn't you say?

Eye: and yet even Tulip found love, the brat. i hope we're not at some dinner party the three of us thirty years from now discussing this miniseries while standing with napkined garden-hosed soda glasses in our hands, discussing how it's fallen off the tracks into the sands of time and has since become a forgotten cult classic.

Dirg: thirty years later? would i even be alive? why? why would that happen with the second season?

Eye: no it's just i'm realistic. the three of us? together that long? all families eventually get divorced.

Eye: Moonrise Kingdom, go. the movie we've been waiting for.

Dirg: before we start, what exactly was the Moonrise Kingdom? where on a map? can i go there?

Laertus: it's all in your head. literally. or short answer: anime. well here's the thing. and i'm gonna be honest, this was my first true Wes Anderson movie, and here's the thing: with all of his movies, you either LOVE his style or you DESPISE it. i was going into it blind, and i...…...LOVE it! i know i know, sorry if i'm not indie cool AV Club hipster enough for you, but i did. sorry, Dennis. i wasn't expecting to but i did. Wes's style is TRULY amazingly unique, it's like he's putting on a shoebox-theatre play in front of you with all of his stage sets. this movie is meant to be seen as a play rather than a realistic film, the acting in it is play, it's Broadway, it's broad: like, it's elevated, it's made almost nonhuman, animal, it's like people giving weird loud monologues.

Dirg: yeah but don't you think it's too corny? like it's too deliberately quirky.

Laertus: maybe, but all films, all art, is meant to be affected. be as pretentious as you can possibly be, that's what art's for. be THEATRICAL. i dunno, it stuck with me, certain iconic images, especially that scene with the plate in the log cabin with the hot dog pierced by the fork. couldn't you envision that that was Wes Anderson as a baby boy getting fed a hot dog by his mother? that was straight-up childhood nostalgia right there, '50s Texan home cooking with the linoleum kitchen and the poodle skirt and the phone with the long cord.

Dirg: Bruce Willis, miscast, i wasn't buying him for a second.

Eye: Harvey Keitel for that matter, why'd it have to be Harvey Keitel?

Eye: i saw nothing wrong with this relationship, what was all the fuss about? it's called young love, people, it exists in human experience! two freaks finding outcast love, story of my life. we goths aren't allowed to listen to any vinyl that's not played on a Fisher Price record player.

Laertus: Moonrose Kingdom is that place as a kid you dream about going to to escape the pressures of school and family and love and hate. that island. unfortunately islands aren't safe spaces nowadays.

Laertus: AND NO MORE ANIMAL ABUSE! EVEN IF IT'S "FOR ART"! FIND ANOTHER WAY, I'M LOOKING AT YOU, LARS VON TRIER, YOU STARTED THIS!!!

Laertus: you know, if the Noah's Ark myth was presented in this Wes way, it would have been swallowed down more palatably by us liberals. much more than some Emma Watson Noah movie. you know there's no scientific proof that the Great Flood ever happened.

Dirg: but did the author of Noye's Fludde happen? his fascinations with his own little personal boy-scout troupe in the backrooms of the librettist shop? Weinstein Effect? is there gonna have to be a Lewis Carroll whitewashing here?

Codrus: i don't want to talk about it, i'm done with the whole Boy Scout thing.

Eye: what's the big deal with these kids? why the electroshock? that's painful you know, it's like getting the Electric Chair for a crime you didn't commit. these kids are just a little ADHD. but back then in the '60s this rebellious couple were doomed with the hot branding iron label of "artistic kids".

Laertus: thus, autistic kids. why are all mother-daughter heart-to-hearts always naked and in a bath tub?

Eye: i wish i had an artist girlfriend like Wes's. to be the set-designer of my films. to be the inker of my comics.

Dirg: trust me, it never works out, professional jealousy gets in the way. why are young kids so eager in a rush to get married? don't they know all marriages end in divorce?

at the con:

Gala: so...…...Starbucks?

Dirg: sorry. i'm a man. i'm not gonna be smartphoned walking the sidewalk curb outside of one of these things with sunglasses and a Pink Drink from Starbucks in my hand trying to cross the road, you know? the honks would be merciless.

Gala turns into a pink hologram and disappears into thin air.

Gala: subject swerves Starbucks, stupid sale.

Dirg: wait! what? you were a bot!? a sales bot? bot and sold? that's why you were getting to know me better, you see me as a dollar sign? sorry i'm a man, will i ever find love? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOMEEEE BAAAACCCCCKKKK i have no one to talk to!

on the other side of the auditorium, Laertus is accosted by a woman in a pink fairy dress and pink-spraypainted hair:

Wendy Dragon: hello, my name is Wendy Dragon. how are you enjoying the con?

Laertus: very well, fine, thank you, you are fine.

Wendy: thank you. square burgers, amirite? so square. when did Earth become so square? juicy and flavorful like my third-eye cunt, sorry i get nervous around hunks. would you like to try this Pink Drink?

Laertus: sorry, i'm a man.

Wendy: i could still love you.

Laertus: okay, *gulp gulp gulp*

Wendy plants a wet kiss on Laertus's lips.

Wendy: your pink mustache is so sexy.










Monday, September 9, 2019

TMIT: IT'S THAT LAST 1/2 WEEK THAT MAKES YOU CUM



1. which of these do you do the most with your significant other? list in order of frequency from done the most to performed less frequently. if you don't engage in any of this with your SO write N/A (not applicable)

a) eat meals with your SO without smartphones, tablets, TV, or any device
b) exercise together
c) share a morning kiss that lasts longer than 6 seconds

my morning kiss lasts 9 1/2 weeks. btw, N/A is really NWA, they just tryna keep us down. i can't believe i have yet to see 9 1/2 Weeks. especially for me, that's a shame and blasphemy, right! i've been a Zalman King devotee from jump street, i need to support him in his feature film break to get his stuff out there in the mainstream. but not too much, his indieness is what defines and ennobles his work. me! the one who loved X-Files not for the sublime sci-fi but because it starred the Red Shoes Diaries guy! i tell all my friends this and will continue to: porn is good as a one-off one-shot quickee, but nothing NOTHING is as grand, bold, delightful, lasting, and elegant as SOFTCORE.

2. briefly tell us about a time when things felt helpless but you knew you would pull through:

it was a day in my life, like any other day...

...but i knew as long as i had Rupert The Teddy Bear by my side, i could conquer anything...

3. would you rather have sex in a posh romantic hotel suite, on a secluded tropical beach, or in your own bedroom? why?

i've written about this extensively, i have a dream that i have yet to fulfill:

penthouse suite, top floor of a huge long hotel in the middle of the futuristic city, my room is all corners all six glass walls overlooking the Tokyo highway lit up neon like Blade Runner or Tron. i take a shower in front of the world, naked for all the world to see. my shampoo? a nice long amber bottle of Neutrogena Bamboo Rain with that aloe vera that tickles your skin freckles with sumptuousness, drowning your senses and touch nerves in gel and lice block.

4. have you practiced orgasm denial? did you like it? would you again?

yes but here's the thing, it's either the best thing in the world or the worst. edging vids are the most-viewed vids in porn by counter. if done right, if you deny for a LONG time, you still have to EVENTUALLY cum, THAT cum is satisfying cos it's big and large and messy and wet and ropey and exhausting and exhilarating. if you NEVER cum, well, it just becomes cruel at that point...

5. finish this line: i doubt i will ever tell you:

that i'm Doubting Thomas.

BONUS: would you pay good money to have the kind of sex you want, when you want?

no but i'd pay a dollar for it...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, September 6, 2019

WEILAND WORE THE BOA THE BEST



notes:

* i loved Scott Weiland. i loved that man. R.I.P. even Billy Corgan came around. Pearl Jam sounds like "Plush". i do see his wife's side tho. and thank you for making Sarah Michelle Gellar more goth than Buffy ever could.

* when Lancôme tells you in a youtube comment to keep going, you keep going.

* look! look at me! no, look at my perfect pirouette stance! they robbed me of my dream of being a male ballet dancer, the headmistress had some nudes of me she stashed in the papier mache walls!

* Donahue: so what was it, Halston? the JCPenney thing?
Halston: do you smoke, Mr. Donahue?
Donahue: quit.
Halston: good, cos i just swallowed my lit cigarette...and i'm not a magician...

* a Teletoon/Degrassi production

* rock!
brings out cocaine
paper!
brings out cash
scissors!
brings out giant neon rave scissors
it's actually a huge hypodermic needle! not for drugs, for antibiotics!

* are you done wearing Slimer? he's getting tired.

* that's not cotton candy, that's a firecracker!

* the next season of American Idol, since the ratings are sagging, will be Cloverfield.

* i'm the creepy Vegetable Man! eat your leafies, kids!

* Fahrvergnugen

* Black Forest Gummies, so juicy, JA?

* this is that Doctor Who bottle episode deep in the Norse blind woods

* see? that polar bear has become a panda bear, climate change is real.

* Aslan: what the fuck am i doing here?

* NO ANIMAL ABUSE!!! EVER!!! ART OR NO ART!!! FIND ANOTHER WAY, LARS VON TRIER!!!

* not funny

* Kevin Federline turned out to be the stable one...

* Yanni as a youngster

* this is why shoes are so expensive nowadays

* okay, as long as the humans get their comeuppance in the end...

* that purple tea was the original purple drank. and what Pearl Jam is named after.

* the world would be a better place if we all followed the Eurobeat of our hearts

* no more Adult Swim Development Meetings! I CAN'T STAND THEM EVERY WEEK!!!

* i'm that Pokemon episode you never knew you wanted

* incel sex robot: Major Motoko Kusanagi's worst nightmare

* Power Rangers just got real

* like real death and blood...and pornography and samurai swords and stuff...

* never follow a revolution in which a fist is the symbol...

* whoa, that dude's got tits!

* i'm suddenly turned on and know my anatomy

* not a real Star Wars convention if you use used condoms for Salacious B. Crumb

* this was all a conspiracy to keep Jake The Dog flat...

* Unabomer: i want to get into patterns...i need patterns in my life...i'm a conspiracy theorist.
lady: wut?
Unabomer: cuffs. not for sex. i'm a stud. i want to echo the greats, like Halston.
Unabomer: hey lady, consider yourself lucky, this was one of my mild prank calls...

* Ballmasterz 9009, Season 2, fingers and non-binary genitals crossed

* it's like that Nip/Tuck theme song...

* don't worry, just a trip to the butcher's

* remember, all NFL players can play the organ

* it's that Humira commercial where the majorette is just a little too confident she won't get hit with a football and is okay with skipping over that donut

* i LOVE the marching-band sequence, but what did it have to do with fashion?

* Twelve Is The Loneliest Number…

* bro, you don't have to do the purple drank to fit in. you're unique and special just by being you. oh you're a clone? nevermind. well you got a mullet so that's cool right there.

* as Demi Lovato says, celluLIT

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

how do you think a McDonald's Strawberry Shake tastes like?...





Wednesday, September 4, 2019

BOXED: THE ANSWER IS FLOWERS AND SINGING



Alex Trebek: i am now an Immortal.

Marianne Williamson: i am opening myself up. spiritually. my vagina will solve the Climate Crisis. i have The Climate Crisis Clit. everyone, i need all my followers to pray with me to send all the extra hurricane water into my vagina. don't worry it can take it. see? why haven't we had a woman leader again? it would make life so much better. I AM THE PHOENIX!!!...…...the Phoenix from Marvel Comics...

President Bump: i mean what is up with Will & Grace? i used to LOVE that show! almost as much as i love Elton John! i thought that was a good show, good people---i don't judge---but now they're all shit. all went to shit with a tweet, imagine that. i mean that show was one of the very precious few lucky ones who were able to reboot successfully. 11 years later, who cares about 11 years later? btw, is The Apprentice ever coming back? i'm waiting, NBC. i'm just gonna hang out in my corner with the good gay. Jack Bauer, right? i like brown people.

Bump shoves a microphone inside his own nose.

Bump: IT'S HAPPENING!!! IT'S COMING!!!

Putin: what are you blathering on about now?

Bump: the Hurricane. 5 is fake news, there have been Hurricane 6s for millennia now, the MSM just won't report them. Alex Jones minored in meteorology at Berkeley.

Putin flicks Bump into the atmosphere with his pinkie ring and Bump disappears into a high bank of grey clouds. Putin smiles at the camera and his teeth are so gold it looks like he just got done eating a bank of corn-on-the-cob.

Bump: just don't let it hit any of my golf properties in Florida! or Mar-a-Lago, that's where i address. the ball. you can control that, right? you're controlling all my moves!

Putin: oh i'm gonna eke out being the hero in all this as usual. imma steer Hurricane Dorian over to the Amazon Rainforest to put out that fire. that's putting out two fires in one, i'll be an international hero!

Laertus: why is it that the first topline link to anything i want to search online is the Fox News link. not just political stuff, pop culture stuff, too! i'm sick of it! it's not about both sides, it's about the right side and the Right Side.

Dirg: hey, at least Omar has now had a proper affair, i couldn't stomach anymore brother stuff. and who would leave a beautiful wife like that?, she's the mom from 7th Heaven. she was all our mom.

at First Take, Ros has taken over for Molly Q:

Ros: why have i replaced the Q? cos i'm Gold, baby!

Stephen A: why don't i have my own show yet! tv show. you know why my arm's in a cast? i was trying to prove Carmelo Anthony ain't just a ball hog and can do more with the ball, can pass it as well as score it. he tried to pass the rock to me but the pass was so godawful it broke my arm.

Max: speaking of pass, Andrew Luck is shit out of luck. he can throw, but he was given an unfair shot at life. they never bought him an offensive line, they were too cheap! that's not his fault, he couldn't control that, he was born in the wrong era.

Dirg: he couldn't help being millennial.

Max: the Indie Colts Horsehoe, isn't the horseshoe supposed to bring luck? it didn't bring Andrew Luck.

Laertus: i watch football for the indie-film potential. for the articles. the Hard Knocks drama. that ESPN show Playmakers---scripted mind you but based on real life---that was this great HBO take of take-no-prisoners show that slammed the entire football organization and hierarchy and genre and cult and ESPN took it off the air cos it was TOO real.

Eye Luggage: with the voice of Marvel's Beast as a hired-hand assistant coach in a Florida flamingo shirt and beard, loved it, *laughs*

Dirg: he got roughed up by some motel balcony thugs coming to collect and would have required a neck brace.

Andrew Luck: why'd i get booed at tho? i get none of the luck. *lick*

Bump: cos of Hurricane Andrew...

Federer: i know how Andy here feels. not Roddick. i'm thinking of retirement. hi guys, i'm ready for the podcast. yes i know i'm early. and yes, i am still depressed. i don't want to talk about it.

Dirg: hey man, tough break. speaking of break what happened before the final set? bathroom break? you were in there a while.

Fed: i don't want to talk about it. it wasn't number one or number two it was number three, okay? so...…...something which trumped Lizstomania, Cocomania:

Coco Gauff: mom, dad, i want a tattoo! the same one as Polona Hercog, she inspired me at Wimbledon!

parents: but she has multiple tats!

Coco: exactly. just think, i'll have sleeves! you won't have to buy me overpriced white Wimbledon sweaters anymore!

parents: *rubbing their temples* fuck us, it's started, hasn't it. despite our best effort. i blame YouTube. hold on, honey, we gotta place a call to Capriati. that's not a wine seltzer.

Maria Butina: Overstock.com, see they have overstocked goods cos they're overpriced goods...

Fed: that was cool to see the first-ever Couple Slam in tennis history: both Svitolina AND Gael Monfils win the Slam at the same event.

President Bump: and boy did they ever couple-slam afterwards! i loved that Closing Ceremony, they took down the net and just let those two fuck naked for hours on the tennis court while everyone watched! that's America. even Carlos Ramos was allowed back in to watch! so much sweat, so much sweat on a cloudy day. i got to see ALL their tattoos. i have a special drone only i have given to me by Bill Nye---or Bull Nye as i call him---i use to spy on my enemies, so i took a peek at each of their lockerrooms before their big matches. Gael was sweating, he was worried if he lost that Final he'd lose Svitolina:

Gael: where are you, Svitty?

Svitolina: don't call me shitty.

Gael: it's not true what they say about Italian guys. black guys are better.

Svitolina: don't worry, focus on your theatrics out there. you gotta put on a good show, tennis is WWE! i swear everytime you leap up into the air 20 feet like Mario and come down on that overhead smash my vag gets weak and watery.

Bump: yeah, so that Opening Ceremony: send me that wheelchair-chick Broadway singer over to my office in the Cream House, kay Mooch?

Mooch: no, sir, THAT is where i take a stand.

Bump: what's up with you, Mooch, why are you fucking me? what did i do to you to gain your ire?

Mooch: you've never earned anything in your life, sir. you fired me, sir. then you forced me to continue working for you after the firing, sir. i have the perfect Gordon Gekko hair and it's all wasted on this job!

Bump: didn't you at one time in your life---which means at a press conference---say that you love me?

Mooch: it's called tough love, sir. i have the signatures, but when i put them on your desk to approve them, THAT's when you claim you can't read so the bills don't become laws.

Tom Steyer: fuck the debates, they can't keep me down. i lost by 1 point? come on, what is this, Lupin that bizarre '80s series when Lupin wore a pink jacket that everyone hates? i have all the money in the world, i grow money on magic trees, i'm just gonna go on every cable-news show ever and interview forever...i could have been debate-prepping but now i have all the time in the world. you'll never get rid of this face on your tv! I'M A WINSOME SMILING TREE IMP.

Laertus: hey Tom Steyer, NO ONE hates the '80s, it was a magical bizarre winsome time.

at the House of Commons, Boris Johnson is up shouting across that horizontal pile of gold-green-and-red Indiana Jones tomes:

Bojo: i have the last Popeye's Chicken Sandwich! YES it is I!!! excuse me, Speaker, i gotta check the scores.

Bojo leaves to a neighboring hallway away from view. into an empty elevator. he checks his Pear watch for the latest vote-tally. his Pear watch, though, is an old-fashioned black longstem phone, corded, with the large fluted-flower black receiver. he holds the dial in his masturbating hand. Boris places a call:

Boris: hello? yes, is this Hair Club For Men?

at the Treehouse Washing Machine Room, everything in this room is wood:

Doryce: including my clit. are you doing our weekly wash, my dear?

Gladyce: right away, dear, tho i am frightfully tired.

Doryce: hey watch out, babe, the water level's getting high. here's a rule of burnt thumb: NEVER put the water-level knob to high. always keep it normal level. that prevents flooding, which we don't need, we've already got a hurricane a week.

Gladyce becomes distracted and pushes HIGH on the water level cos she daydreams about going on a cruise with her beloved on water where there's water water everywhere, everywhere the eye can see. and the third eye cos she's dreaming.

the water level in the room gets to the crones' ankles and starts wetting their brown pantyhose and kneehigh socks and britches...

Gladyce: i'm dreaming of steakhouse wedge...

at the Colorado Springs Spiritual Convention, Madame Pons has just gotten done listening to Marianne Williamson and claps as hard as her soft soaped hands can manage while whistling by putting her dirty finger in her mouth. the crowd goes wild.

Marianne: this is a spiritual convention, not a spiritual con.

Pons: she's the best!

Pons runs into Sue Su in the elevator. an elevator that includes a large potted plant and a cactus among the people cramming in.

Pons: hi Sue! what's up with this? why is everyone crushed in here like sardines?

Sue can barely breathe much less talk, there are mouths and pens and posters flying everywhere.

Sue: they've all come for me. isn't it great! i've suddenly become VERY popular, mucho followers.

Pons: how come?

Sue: exactly. i filmed me and my boyfriend fucking and livestreamed it. that quadrupled my followers in one second. don't worry, the heads were cut off. on the tape on the tape.

Pons: oh honey, this is what i warned you about, please be careful. i'll always protect you. like now physically. or when i'm slinging soap at LUSH. i'm always with you, know that. i'm always thinking of you even when i'm not present. how do they know it's you?

Sue: there's a tattoo right above my clitoris that reads SS. it should be fine.

the elevator door opens and the mob empties out in a hazy ragey ball of massive grey cloud, outer bands, no shear, and eye lightning.

at the podcast:

Eye: stay out of the eye, folks, but not this Eye. that Humira commercial, go. that Gadi Schwartz looks like a cool young Clark Kent.

Laertus: you know Gadi Schwartz learned everything about earthquake safety and prep packs and emergency quake kits from children's cereal and having dated Maria LaRosa. before we start leave the last name alone, Dirg.

Dirg: okay the bitch in this Humira commercial is hot as fuck! i mean those legs, those thighs! dat ass! squeezed into those jeans! and those hooker boots! with the innocent-looking striped '70s Gallagher shirt and innocent puppy-dog blue eyes, i mean come on. i love how she's always cooking him steak and comparing heights at her family house and not letting him read her diary and swinging. the swing in her backyard. and she always has that look of concern for him, she even blows off her own parents when she sees he's finally arrived at her front lawn. only he can make her smile. even at a rooftop-party brick bathroom. the more he gets the runs the more she falls in love with him. you know what gets me extra hot when i view this commercial? they're brother and sister!

Laertus: dude.

Dirg: what, they look like brother and sister. her house was his house, it was the family home.

Eye: and moving it right along, The Steven Universe Movie.

Tyzik: nothing more can be said, it's already all been said online.

Laertus: it was quite the lovely love letter to fans, started off creepily slow but it really did find its stride at the end. the new villain Spinel, i grew to love her in the end! of the 90 minutes.

Dirg: '40s rubberhose animation, i loved her. i already drew a paheal of her between commercials. the film played with a lot of old-timey stock elements, old Disney Sleeping Beauty grandeur. and the stars-and-stripes bedazzled-coats-with-tophat song-and-dance-man number at the end, on the many cascading white steps, very MGM, very Family Guy. with the dancers with overstocked overstuffed pink boa feathers. you can tell the Crewniverse watched a lot of Bugs Bunny cartoons to prepare for this. Disney is already suing this movie. who does Spinel remind me of again?

Laertus: Helga from Hey Arnold.

Eye: i want Connie and Steven to kiss. on the lips! make them a couple already, let's go!

Dirg: agreed. have them fuck or it's not as bold a cartoon as they think they are. do it, Rebecca, you've already gotten practiced in with all that offbeat Ed Edd n Eddy porn you drew on napkins at school, she's used to it.

Dirg: speaking of school, spare a thought tonight for the poor sap 8-year-old boy kid with the crewcut who watches this great movie till 7:30 PM then the next morning has to get up at the crack of 7:30 AM after a summer hiatus that ended too creepily fast, to go to a new school, new kindergarten, new middle school, new junior high, new high school, new college, new uni, new postgrad, new PhD. remember how we felt? when school crept up on you like that? this is the most terrifying time of year! stranger in a strange land, with only the memories of Spinel to keep you from getting bullied. why did they keep singing when they were about to speak?

Laertus: oh i dunno maybe cos it's a musical?

Dirg: Spinel's rubberhose penis, that proves all the Crystal Gems are male.

Eye: when Spinel was singing in her abandoned planet, and waiting for 6000 years, i got flashbacks to that Futurama dog.

Laertus: or all the poor pets from Dr. Stone. why didn't Lars have a line?

Dirg: cos he's pink, that's discrimination.

Laertus: or his relationship with Sadie is sketchy at best.

Dirg: fact is, this movie was mostly filler. cos it was one huge explanation for the newbies. Steg, the fusion between Steven and Dad, was...

Eye: Jojo's Bizarre Adventure. why does Steven have a neck tho?

Dirg: to mess with the animators. why was it commercial-free? it was 90 minutes nonstop. i had to pee.

Neale: me, too.

Eye: also to mess with the animators. they had to work nonstop animating this thing without peeing. i like how they were honest with the fact that Steven had a bad mom, i could relate, made me closer with my mom when we watched it together.

Dirg: you know why this movie was wonky? cos it was unnecessary, the series had already wrapped up, then they had to produce more content, it was like Dragon Ball. suddenly Pink Diamond has a playmate no one had ever heard of. what the hell is Season 6 gonna be!!? more manufactured chaos to disrupt the already-happy ending.

Laertus: bra. Steven Universe is insanely popular.

Dirg: yes but why, i never got that, never understood that. i represent the minority online, i'm for that poor sap 8-year-old boy kid who just doesn't get what all the hoopla is about, who thinks equality and gender fluidity are strange concepts, the young man who wants the world hard. who thinks that poisoning young minds to the Left will have consequences far more dire to the planet than Climate Change. it doesn't pay to outreach, it leads to far more outreaching consequences. he doesn't want to see his little sister become a genderqueer simply by watching a tv show! the boy, the kid out there with the crewcut who defies the Crewniverse and the Obama Agenda!

Laertus: bra, it's just a cartoon. at least Steven seems to have recovered from his deep depression rather quickly. the Steven voice actor i mean.

Eye: Legend, go, we're running out of time.

Laertus: exactly. this film represents a tale that is so old in human history it's like the first cogent cohesive coherent tale ever told between tribes of the earliest humans to keep them entertained and solidly connected while sitting on bear-god skins, a story of good and evil that is older than the written word or even speech.

Dirg: in other words, Tom Cruise's Scientology language.

Eye: Mia Sara, amirite? i mean fuck. and this was BEFORE Ferris Bueller! just think about that for a moment.

Laertus: talk about mood whiplash. what do we make of Tim Curry's Devil?

Dirg: i honestly thought he'd be from India.

Eye: like he was scary. creepy. but also fuckable. he had that glint in his eye like he wasn't all bad, he could joke around, too. those sinews on his muscles, yummy, lickable, like Mexican wrestlers. i could see myself fucking Satan for pleasure.

Dirg: isn't that what you need to do to become a goth?

Eye: no, that's get inspired by the dress and dark makeup and dark dancing and black lipstick and pointy Maleficent punk spikes of Black Mia Sara!

Dirg: isn't Mia Sara already black? half-black.

Eye: that was the first time i heard the term alicorn. i always thought it was a vibrator.

Laertus: those poor unicorns! like elephants. i kept thinking about those working horses on set having to run ragged for our human pleasure. you could tell the ENTIRE movie was filmed inside a HUGE warehouse studio in downtown Burbank or something. the outside scenes were a little too cavernous.

Dirg: see? a bitch fucked up mankind. she caused the downfall of man, she caused all the sin in the world.

Laertus: for petting? light petting? why? plus it plays into the whole thing that all women love horses and can't control themselves.

Dirg: if she had just become a baker's daughter like her nanny told her none of this would have happened...did you see how Tom Cruise had a hard time jumping? he can't do shit without a harness and rope zip, he can't flip like he does his bottles in Cocktail.

Llywarch: who's that pygmy goatboy on screen? he's copying me!

Laertus: Honeythorn Gump was scarier than the Lord of Darkness. nuclear take i know. something creepy in those eyes. he was like 20 but looked 12. that one devil's servant at the beginning had a scarier voice than the Lord, must have been the dub. Honeythorn should have eaten more boxed chocolate, his eyes always had the look of being filled with acid. i would never have guessed the riddle, right? you needed inside information, it wasn't like trying to answer why the chicken crossed the road.

Eye: you needed to know that particular breed of flower in the land. Zelda copied that reflecting light off mirrors thing for their puzzles.

Dirg: i'd fuck Meg Mucklebones, i don't care. they'll let anyone into Starfleet these days. and why didn't Tom Cruise want to fuck Oona? can you imagine the singular sensation of having a tiny fairy inside your penishole? what exactly was the moral of this movie? after all the alternate endings.

Eye: Tom Cruise is a damn good swimmer. or the Devil needs better food.

Laertus: dunno it's very confusing. it's, like, innocence and everything, but humanity can never really hold onto innocence. the Devil will always kinda win in the end. i guess i'll go with this: we are all animals.

Laertus: but the point is this: THIS FILM IS THE MOST FUCKED-UP PG MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!!

at the cons, there's a con for every stripe, every type, every flavor. Marianne mixes it with Madonna who mixes it with MC McPeepants who mixes it with Pokimane. Dirg finds himself milling amongst the crowds hungry but not that hungry. a tall woman in a tall luxurious green emerald twinkling ballroom-gown dress with huge silvery glaze wings and green polka dots for cheeks approaches him.

Gala: hello there. stranger. i'm Gala the Elf.

Dirg: nice D.Va cosplay.

Gala: thanks. i see you staring at the Jack In The Box over there. it's weird seeing a Jack In The Box completely inside a convention center.

Dirg: i want to go in, but…

Gala: there's a Starbucks right next to it if you're sick of Mountain Dew...

Dirg: it's not that, it's just...well, i don't like talking to servers---having to interact with humans---when i get my fast food.

Gala: you are so millennial i love it!

Dirg: like that black guy, famous gamer guy who offed. he couldn't help what era he was born in, he literally died by tech. he died because of all the technology surrounding him. that is so lame, i ain't going out like that...i ain't going out! poor sap, he had so much potential. he was smart and funny and handsome, he knew all the references, if he had been born in a different era he would have become the First Obama!

Gala: feeling hungry now?

Dirg: you're easy to talk to. what's your name?












Sunday, September 1, 2019

TMIT: MARILYN MANSON: AARP AMBASSADOR



1. when you're old, would you rather die before or after your significant other? Marilyn Manson is 50! and Trent Reznor is a middle-aged happily-married family man. i'm getting old. i'm getting old now. i mean does it matter anymore when my heroes have lasted, survived, and won life like this?

2. would you rather live at the top of a tall apartment building, in your favorite city, or at the top of a mountain?

CLICK HERE 

3. would you rather have to sew all your clothes or grow your own food?

CLICK HERE

4. would you rather have your debt forgiven or have guaranteed good health for a decade?

i want to own Colonial Penn insurance cos that made Alex Trebek miraculously recover.

i'd rather just be forgiven.

socialized medicine in the United States, why the fuck is it so hard to do!!?

5. would you rather take a bubble bath with your boss or fuck your neighbor?

bubble bath with my boss cos that one has an emoji on Instagram...

BONUS: would you rather have the details of your financial life or your love life be made public?

girls, girlbosses, and just bosses are smart now in this age, good on Bella Thorne and Whitney Cummings and Jeff Bezos, they release their own nudes, retain their power, and sap all the power from their bullies. of course this could just all be a function of the fact that people nowadays seem to have no shame about ANYTHING anymore, but hey, whatever works, right?

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, August 30, 2019

FIT TO BE TIED



notes:

* the doctors say in order for me to stay in the locked insane asylum i gotta do some form of exercise. either Noom or Fitbit. i told him i choose the one where you do those mind puzzles but they said i have to exercise my heart so i wrote a letter to an old college flame who broke my heart and we made up. while wearing a unitard. i told them i thought staying at a funny farm would be cool like in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest, i asked them where Jack is, where The Indian is. they told me Jack Nicholson hasn't worked in ages...

* COLLEGE FLASHBACKS!!! i can't take it! whenever i see those subway slots i think of Berkeley. course in my day we didn't have highfalutin gadgetry that you put your watch screen to the slot and that takes the place of the ticket you had in your smelly leather wallet. i cherished that ticket, cos i could never afford concert tickets to SP when they still had D'arcy with the apostrophe. some leaped the entire process and just jumped over the slot, they were the ones who became Olympic parkourists and trapeze artists who could kiss a woman on the downward swing or cops. BART was my best friend, even though he was a cowboy. there were always cavity searches, but in my day they were done for fun in the street...

* Cenk from Young Turks. he's still pissed his MSNBC show didn't work out. remember that period in MSNBC lore when they were trying out new hosts? like 40 different hosts? they even tried out that Martin guy who exposed Michael Jackson---if you know what i mean. i always liked that guy, loved his accent, i learned the phrase "drugs cheat" from him. he drove crosscountry just to break into Neverland with his new evidence. but then he went crazy over some pizza thing and MSNBC canned him.

* guy on date: you know we're all gonna have to eat a plant-based diet soon or the Earth will explode. it's simply unsustainable to keep breeding cattle for meat.
woman on date: is that a crack at my bald head? you think it looks like a head of lettuce?

* woman exercising: why am i sweating? i thought this was virtual!
instructor: COBRA KAI!!!

* group of runners: it's dangerous for women to run at night...unless you're in a group of kickass women Marines who've killed many enemy soldiers in war on the frontlines.

* exerciser: is this yoga? why are my pants so tight?
fellow exercise biker: cos you're sweating too much. you gotta breathe. and you gotta let your pants breathe.
male yoga-er: i'm not wearing any pants. cos i'm smarter than the average bear.

* dude with full beard in bed: what time is it? where are we? it feels like i've slept for 100 years.
wife in bed: you weren't supposed to wake up till Movember.
dude: what's that crying?
wife: that's your soul. and the baby, get up and feed her.
dude: we have a baby? last thing i remember the Dodgers won the World Series…

* dog: i pant. humans should pant, too.
male yoga-er: i pant...
dog: that's pants!

* restauranteur: does that thing predict if we're going on a second date?
Joey Greco: you don't want to know...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

everyone stay safe out there. i'm worried about the ancient kingdom of Atlantis...

TOMORROW: so after the whole stargazy pie this week, i decided i'll skirt the stargazing at least for one week to recover, instead i'll have a Triple Double Crunchwrap from Taco Bell instead of looking up at the stars. i really just do this for the box. you know what Oscar Wilde would say right now...

why doesn't Taco Bell serve fish tacos?