RED GUNDAM: OLDTYPES EAT APPLES

 

at Tokyo Con 1985, those world travelers who snatched a coveted ticket were grateful, they knew this was a big deal as the first true convention dedicated to anime was about to commence. 

Katharine: Katharine is a man's name, right?

Lux: sure. you're Japanese, right?

Katharine: i think. i'm drawn weird. i have big eyes.

Lux: think of me as Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons but from Luxembourg. that's the new wave of anime now: collaboration between three countries.

Katharine Hepburn: stand at attention, you sad sexless imbeciles.

Lux: you see this MASSIVELY GIANT BIG Gundam robot with a laser-gun in the middle of the hall here?

Katharine: it is simply my life's work. my life's purpose. the only thing that matters. wait is a red Gundam rare?

Melissa Maker: it is if it's Cadillac red.

Katharine: hey is Katharine a man's name?

Jen R: only if it's Catherine from Beauty and the Beast, that '80s live-action.

me: she would later pack a gun from the future...

packie: why J.Lo divorced Ben again...

Heavy Traffic.

Homer Simpson: not about me...

Ralph Bakshi: the same pinball machine used for the Pointer Sisters 123456789-10-11-12 Sesame Street song...

Ralph Bakshi: so this is the good parts of Tommy with if Welcome Back, Kotter was on HBO...

Charles Nelson Reilly: listen very carefully to this film, this film sounds like me...

Fannie Flagg: yeah and i'm in it too for some reason.

Deep Throat: the last porno film. and the last film in big black letters on a white matinee box.

thug: i'm respected in this neighborhood. good thing i was wearing my Spider-Man underwear. 

cartoonist: too early for breakfast, ma. cartoonists eat breakfast at 5 PM at Jack In The Box.

ma: it's the '70s in NYC so you better have your blackout candles.

Jen R: a housewife's ultimate weapon: the frying pan.

Seinfeld: Jewish virgins are more common than you'd think.

Michael: omg it's Bird Man from Hey Arnold!!!

ain't there: God knows this.

Crazy Moe: you look handsome and sharp today, Michael. midnight-blue heavy coat with the beige bellbottoms, you going on Match Game '74?

Shirley: no wonder you're a virgin, kid, you don't know how to unhook a bra.

Clark Gable: the only reason i'm in THIS Jean Harlow picture is i eat dinner at 5...

Jen R: the '70s in NYC, the last place to watch Pre-Code B&W films in a theater...

Michael: no way, dirty rooftop mattress, Pippi Longstocking, no way.

Newt Gingrich: photo hanging of Newt Gingrich smoking a cig?...

Carol Burnett at the bar without a mop.

Carole: LOW-rise jeans.

Shorty: Vietnam turned me into Tony Hawk...

Mick Jagger: stick with the French postcards, kid, trust me.

George HW Bush wedding photo?...

pa: i'm cheating on your mother with Blondie Dagwood's wife!!! a real '20s dame!!! i had to do it.

godfather: i ain't moving the olive oil too good. Popeye's goil packs a punch. she slapped my nose so hard it fell off.

pa: i'm a unionbuster. work is good for the soul. listen to me, pay attention to me, i'm important, i'm a fat Inspector Gadget. olive oil gives me the gloopy runs.

Alfred Hitchcock: watch out, the steering wheel renders you alive but everyone thinks you're dead...

Mr. Magoo: religion sells!!! look at The Chosen!!! look at Yellowstone!!!

Michael: these are the storyboards for Wizards. too dark? okay make God less horny and call it Adventure Time...

Baltimore: where everyone has a wife.

Jen R: except apparently you...

dad: classical music classes up any joint, even urinals.

cardinals: i know we're in the back buttpocket of the mafia, but when did we start wearing red hoods?...

Disneyland: yeah we did a World of Tomorrow thing with Vaporwave hula hoops a decade before TRON...

Twitch: i mean paying for the catbed okay, but a house payment? A HOUSE PAYMENT?!!!

Hotels.com bell mascot: we need GEICO money. we need a BRITISH mascot.

Jules Smith: ...

Nickelodeon game shows in the '90s: we made history fun. 

Legends of the Hidden Temple boy/girl team: T-shirts will never be this colorful again. we're each gonna get our first kiss by kissing the other in a Sbarro bathroom.

Florida mall: only if your backpack is Eastpak.

'90s vacations: the international entertainment at The Bahamas was superb. and the blue tennis courts sparkled.

Frances Tiafoe: Ben Shelton stole my life...

Dr. Shannon Klingman: so i'm the Lume Lady. yeah. but i'm not clingy. my voice sounds clingy because i blast you with a million commercials, but the only thing clingy is your pits and your pussy when it sweats, so use my soap foam.

Dirg: i dare you to write I love you in the Instagram comments.

Michael Weiss: i've done this...

Iga Swiatek: the popping of champagne bottles DURING a tennis point is a new experience. i got a champagne cork in my ear.

Jen R: the sound of bubbly flowing hits your eardrums like a dream as you smash...

StaceyRPG: the "Hello hello hello how low?" refrain in "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is Kurt sounding all like, "yeah, whatever."

Kurt Cobain: very perceptive. it takes years of practice to sound bored.

Legends of the Hidden Temple.

Geronimo: i mocked with my moccasins.

Father Navin: you threw your shoe at me at the St. Cyril's potluck.

the interstitial break music: breakdance music.

Kirk Fogg: not cool to subject 11-year-olds to jump scares with the Temple Guards giving young people heart attacks. 

Olmec: the Temple Guards then kidnapped the kids!!!

shame: heals a cough more than cough syrup.

beyond lucid: a tech-savvy grandma.

Steven Spielberg: okay Jaws remake: i'm the captain, Richard Dreyfuss is still Richard Dreyfuss, and Roy Scheider's part is Timothee Chalamet or we don't get the funding...

Jannik Sinner: i'll put it this way: my favorite drink is Baja Blast at the Taco Bell on the rocks with the seals. that one Seal with rock trying to make a comeback. no steroids on the speedboat. my brother is Gordon Ramsay...

Wiffle Ball: just another excuse to drink beer from a long flute in a hot tub behind home plate.

ESPN The Ocho at the Mid Valley YMCA in Van Nuys: too bad pushups and pullups don't have their own professional sports league...

Katharine: hey, no climbing on the Gundam. Gundam is serious, not for little kids, for serious students of literature only.

Katz: get your dick out your ear and relax, mister, lighten up, this ain't a Safeway. 

Katharine: thank you for calling me a man. what's with your beady eyes? you look like Linus from Charlie Brown.

Katz: blame my mom. and the animators. isn't this a swell Gundam, mister? it has turn signals on either side of its butt when it's in space to avoid accidents. hey why are you always biting your thumb all the time? are you the reincarnation of Amuro Ray?

Katharine: no, i just have an itchy trigger finger...

 

JONNY & LUCY: PROTECTING PBS ROWDILY

 

at Tiny Desk Concert at PBS, Jen R is trying to make up for it.

Jen R: and make up for lost time.

she takes a guitar of OLD wood from her back buttpocket and begins strumming.

Paula Kerger: what a specimen!!!

Jen: thank you. my guitar's nice too. we both have nice asses.

Paula: i recognize that red oak from my girl days as a triangle-player. my long-haired parents took me to Woodstock but i slept in the van. this is the ORIGINAL Woodstock, folks, not that MTV shit.

Paula Kerger: so before you start why don't you tell the radio audience something unknown about yourself, something unexpected that would make them go to the bathroom in excitement.

Jen R: well, Paula, i only eat 7-Eleven food. yeah. my diet is strictly french fries and Slurpees. 

Jen plugs her acoustic guitar into her cute little pink ORIGINAL Teen Titans amp and starts WAILING. she sweeps ALL the chords, all the guitar notes, and finishes with a flourish, she SLAMS the guitar on top of the hallowed Desk smashing it in a thousand shards. Paula saves the big mic at the last second tho with her keen eye and dexterity.

Paula: better concert than the Guns N Roses Riverport Riot. did the audience get all that? did you guys hear all that? this station has a reputation for mumbling...

potatoes: fills you up like peanut butter.

Mocha Mix: i change coffee. i make coffee light. i allow coffee to forget about its self...

Liam Neeson: i coulda played Fezzik. you suddenly get taller with a shillelagh in your hand...

brownies: better without the fudge.

turndown service: is that an orange mint or an alien receiver on the bed?...

Bob Ross: if i had stopped painting those goddamn clouds, there would have been no rain. no rain means my perm goes limp...

Jonny: you did us dirty, Jaleel.

Jaleel White: how so, my man.

Jonny: Fast Flips, you read the question SLOW to pause to laugh at an answer. ate up a bunch of clock.

Jaleel: that's on me, blond holmes, i'll make it up to everybody. you know your lady has that Sade vibe to her. it's in the lips, it's in the eyes, it's in the HAIR!!!

Lucy: aw that's sweet. and i do like your lips. but it ain't happening, chester. no chance. Urkel was not my favorite character.

Jaleel: what?!!! how can that be?!!! who could possibly be your favorite Family Matters character other than Urkel?

Lucy: the mother.

DVD: remember when you and your friends would sit down on a brown sofa and listen to the Director's Commentary track of a movie?...

Brooke Trantor: it's Mad Max out there. but it can still be My Dinner with Andre in here...

Kurt Cobain: Big Dumper was the name of the band before Nirvana. right before our first show...

Axl Rose: the reason i always wear shorts is i was living in Southern California...

Krillin: just chillin. but not like a villain.

Android 18: ...

Krillin: sorry, my wife...

Joe Pera: Polar Cubes for my boys...

Hallmark Channel: last year's Hallmark Experience was sparsely attended. nobody knows why. probably because it was in Colorado.

caterpillars: there was no work for us, you used CGI butterflies...

Dr. Robbins: you don't need therapy. you need Instagram memes...

Chloe Annett in Kiss Me Kate: oh no, i was Princess Leia, i am not going back to being a Bond Girl...

Jaleel White: listen Paula, we're all in this together, we're not gonna let Trump dissolve PBS.

Paula Kerger: aw that's sweet, whoever you are.

Jaleel: turn around and face the camera...

Paula: it's a good thing, too, the next PSA public service announcement i was gonna film was me saying how the Senate had in fact ended PBS and Leslie Sbrocco's tits were out of a job.

Leslie Sbrocco: my tits can never be finalized.

Jaleel: you can use the Flip Side studios to film ALL the PBS shows FOREVER!!! just be sure come Christmas you tell Ken Burns to get me some of that vintage North tobacco from the Civil War so i can send it to my neighbor.

Ken Burns: the stuff the soldiers put in their gums? i would but Fred Rogers would not approve.

Mr. Rogers: guns are bad, but if you don't save your gums, you have no noble society. 

JONNY & LUCY: TIC TAC-STOCK

 

Jen R flies through the window in a Superman pose, her fingers in two clasped triangles poke Lucy in the nose on her way in.

Jen: Jonny is MINE, bitch. i'm the crazy friend.

Jonny: not cool, dude.

Jen: she's disfigured now.

Lucy: no i'm not, it's just a little tender.

Jonny: besides, it's not her looks which drew me to Lucy like a magnet.

Jen: huh? but you're a guy.

Jonny: it's something else, something mysterious...

Lucy: wait how the fuck can you FLY?!!!

Jen: witch powder. i snort it like people snorted Tang in the '80s.

Gladyce: remember us?

Doryce: Jen stole it from under my left tit while i was sleeping. Glad let it slide with her broom because Jen gives crazy women like us a bad name.

Coldplay: not cosplay. come on, we gotta be cooler than cosplay!!!

Malice.

Tobin Bell: i can't smile right. that's my mother's hair. she's not alive anymore. she became Batwoman. my landlady's putting me in a tight spot. my landlady is my mother.

Bill Pullman: that second and a half was the happiest moment of my life.

Bebe Neuwirth in a THICK Boston accent: come on, professor, i'm sure you fuck better than that. give yourself credit, extra credit.

Horshack: here's my card. i've saved a window-ledge jumper or two...

Jen R: "reamed," that was a word ONLY heard in the '90s...

Nicole Kidman: my favorite Boston Celtic is Jimmy Fallon.

Peter Gallagher: what the hell happened to your face?

Bill: serial-rapist sidestory, no idea why we had to do that.

mother: Gordon Ramsay is a handsome hunk of a man, but i threw him out when he brought English scotch. there is only Scottish scotch. i haven't had single-malt scotch since '69 when i was Anne Bancroft and my husband was Frank Sinatra...

Anne: pick a card.

Bill: these are fig newtons.

Jen: you can buy a nice tub of Dubble Bubble with $200.

Anne Bancroft: and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is how you earn an Oscar for guest role!!!

Bill: may i speak with your manager?

slacker: bro i'm Spike Jonze.

Jen: those '90s movies with the twist, everyone had to keep it a secret on the drive home in the rain, not tell anybody in their house...

Bill: wait, the Munsters house?

Robert De Niro: that's Cape Fear...

Jim Cantore: that's a LOT of rain.

Degas: creepy crepe Leave It to Beaver housewife face?...

Bill: i feel so small right now. can i just live under the stairs here?

Ms. Krause: whom.

Tom Cruise: wait, this is the exact Days of Thunder sex scene banging Nic against the door...

Jen: nylon foot rubbing up against the leg wearing a loafer and argyle sock, always does the trick. it's very dog.

10-year-old boy: yeah but the thing is i don't remember stuff. only my John McEnroe tennis cards.

Bill: i want Bob Costas to play for the Red Sox.

calling it before i see it: Bebe Neuwirth is in the boy's room with a smile and a pair of cuffs she dangles in Nic's face.

Nic: STAY BACK!!! this CPR dummy is a lethal weapon!!! let me give you a last hug while we're on the floor/ground here, we were married once you know...

Nic: they make those blind canes for kids?

Bebe: so we're a couple now?

Bill: yeah. wear that Nurse Ratched nurse-hat at all times.

Brian Griffin emerges from his time machine having come from the '80s.

Brian Griffin: greetings from the distant past!!! i looked cooler than this but my purple Back to the Future yellow-Venetian-blinds sunglasses got stolen by the me that became a maid. i hear a young lady around here is in need of a back realignment?

Jonny: oh brother.

Lucy: yeah my back is killing me after that marathon fucking.

Brian: do tell. me more. enchante.

Lucy: is there medicine after sex?

Brian: Doan's. everyone forgets about Doan's. Doan's cured all backs in the '80s. and then afterwards you'd treat your father to a Filet-O-Fish at McDonald's. Doan's and Filet-O-Fish kept the doctor away. 

Tom Hanks: maybe Tom Hanks was there dipping some Chicken McNuggets in some amber sauce.

Brian: small request?

Jonny: shoot. i go with the flow. i fop with the breeze.

Brian: that's easy to do when you got Lucy. not everybody has a Lucy. my tail is killing me. i've never actually taken Doan's, i don't know how it tastes, can i?...

Jen: it tastes like Vanquish...

Barbarino: i wear the johnny hospital gown...

My So-Called Life: even the DAD wore plaid...

Dupuytren's contracture: the best option is surgery.

Gargamel: wish somebody would have told me that in Medieval times. i used black magic. now my fingers are two permanent balls of cat yarn for Azrael to play with. i had the fastest fingers since Merlin...

Azrael the cat: now your fingers are meow.

Raul De Molina: i'm taking the WHOLE fucking summer off. i don't give two shits about the show. dos cabrón. El Gordo y La Flaca is a circus of clown questions, bro. my own priest calls me vato. confession: i'm Spanish but my priest isn't Catholic. my own mother calls me a fatty.

Safeway: a hive of scum and villainy. and covid.

me: are you spacey or do you hate me?

Jen R: i don't know...

Peter, Paul and Mary: America's babysitter...

folk music: ends wars.

John Strong: i took a redeye from Mexico to Switzerland, this soccer shit never ends. i ate the last Choco Taco on the plane...

Tom Amandes: if i wasn't an actor, i'd be a creep, and you're jealous of that.

Amadeus: ...

Maiara Walsh: i lead a normal life. i am literally unobtainable but i lead a normal life, as seen through my Instagram. everyone witnesses their life's purpose through the serrated jungle palms of Rio, Brazil. don't let that scare you out of pursuing a plan, no peyote required.

porn: it's cheating. it's the reward without doing the work. it's sex without the years of long walks getting to know the person. years of paying for zoo trips to see that walrus she can't get enough of, the walrus she's enamored with.

Jen R: okay okay i'm sorry, i'm really not like that, i'm calm and fun. i must have taken some stuff. must have been all that witch powder i snorted. let me make it up to you guys.

Lucy: i like music.

Jonny: that's a clue.

Jen: you do? of course you do. great!!! i just so happen to have these tickets i pocketed to the concert later this afternoon when it's gonna be 100 degrees!!! yeah, won a concert off some Tic Tacs i was sucking. Tic Tacs concert contest, just peel the label. i go through twenty plastic boxes of Tic Tacs a day. my dentist says it's not technically candy, they're a dental tool.

Brian, reading: Queens of the Stone Age? studious sigh.

Jen: why you gotta be so literary? 

Brian: it's just, Queen okay, Queensryche even danker. Queens of the Stone Age are.........just above bad.

Anthony Bourdain: tell me about it. and you don't have to listen to the songs Josh Homme considers BAD in my garage!!!... 

JONNY & LUCY: KIRKLAND CAR

 

Jaleel White: okay next question in our Fast Flips Round, which is the whinier music: that '80s Rambo NES video game, or anything by Guns N Roses?

Lucy: think about this one, honey. think about our wedding song.

Jonny: right. you said "November Rain" was so played-out. 

Lucy: and you said Rambo was your favorite Nintendo game. you said it reminded you of being at a WWI ballroom dancing with a gas mask on. even though Rambo is the Vietnam war.

Jaleel: you know you two as a couple have really won everyone here in the Flip Side audience over. you've won the country over, which is impossible in 2024. you've won the world over. really we're all just jealous of your love. you two have an energy, a vibe, this easy aura, that the rest of us will seek fruitlessly to find in our own lives till our dying day. how'd you two meet?

Lucy: Jonny reminded me of Craig from Kiss Me Kate...

Jonny: yeah. and we had a friend in our past who went crazy. but nobody wants to hear about that. nobody asked for that. don't want to dampen the love buzz.

Jaleel: hey Lucy, look at my lips. whenever a contestant gives a risque or ribald answer, i start moistening my lips like this, you like that?

Lucy: i mean it's just what Shaq does with his lips, right?

Jaleel: damn girl you tough.

Rublev at the mic at the presser shortly after his loss to Alcaraz: yeah but do you guys know about diarrhea? huh? DO YOU KNOW WHAT DIARRHEA IS!!!

Malice.

Aaron Sorkin: i write erotic thrillers?...

Aaron Sorkin: i can't write a steamy sex scene between Nicole Kidman and Alec Baldwin, Tom Cruise would kill me!!! Tom Cruise calls me on the telephone in the middle of the night when i'm praying by my bed. i dread 1 AM every night...

Alec Baldwin: it's okay, I am God, that's the same as Scientology, right?

Witches of Eastwick lawns...

Bebe Neuwirth: simple solution: ban all frats, make society a happy place again.

Alec: one of those tiny cantaloupe scoops...

Nicole Kidman: don't put a plastic bag over your head!!! i'm gonna speak to Jerry Brown about this.

Peter Gallagher: Nic is a modern '90s woman, she has a husband and a boyfriend. 

Martin Yan: and you thought Chinese food wasn't sexy.

Nicole Kidman: not a butt double...

peeping-tom boy: don't mind me watching your wife's naked butt, i'm lonely and trying to invent Vaporwave in my bedroom.

Bill Pullman: i'm supposed to be Armenian? the quarterback gave me a swirlie. our quarterback was Catherine Tate.

student Gwyneth Paltrow: i can't control the world. but i have found love on campus. my alarm clock plays Coldplay "Clocks"...

Bayer aspirin: for abdominal pain. torsed is fun to say.

Alec: i'm impervious to naked women. but not to bottles of apple cider.

computer: flying-toasters screensaver, toasters with angel wings, the '90s were innocent, not like the AI we have now.

Little Mermaid in the fishbowl.

Jen R: remember moccasins at St. Cyril's?

Alec at the Boston bar: this isn't a macabre conversation, this is just that Twilight Zone episode...

Massachusetts college town: so it's supposed to be Harvard For Women, right? not Radcliffe?...

frozen section: a medical procedure. also where the pizzas are kept at Safeway.

Alec: why am i watching Turbo Teen?...

Alec: i get it, church raffles give out those cool television sets with the wood paneling.

Bill: Mrs. Worthington, got any pancake syrup for the power outage?...

J Monday: a British tennis player. and Bond good guy.

4h of July at Costco: not as busy as Christmas at Costco, because nobody's around during summer...

Texas: the hub of cricket...

Japanese hot-dog eaters: we made this sport cool. what happened?...

dog days of summer: no longer the hot-dog days of summer...

stability: greater than greatness.

Uneven Edge: we're used to arrogant One Piece villains who go on forever, we watch a lot of Nitro Wrestling...

Videl: my shirt says FIGHT, not TIGHT.

Marco Rubio: i cheated...

Rachel Maddow: learn from me how to be a happy hermit...

Uranus and Neptune from Sailor Moon S: we're lesbians who go to church...

Adidas: providing the marijuana for the grassheads at Wimbledon.

Chemical Brothers "Galvanize": the official song of the Club World Cup...

Admiral Piett: it's not fair, the air in the Death Star was clean...

Sonay Kartal: being a bodybuilder has its advantages when you're trying to serve a tennis ball. you see why i do two sports? my boyfriend is the World's Strongest Man, he lives in Crete by a stone medicine ball. my husband is Karnov...

F1: all the drivers are 12 years old...

Jules Smith: apart from Tom Holland, i enjoy all Brits. i hate that little shit Spider-Man.

Everwood: the 2000s Wonder Years.

soccer: NOBODY wants Extra Time...

Jonny and Lucy are at home at the house after pocketing their prize money.

Lucy: let's celebrate in the bedroom with dried-flake potatoes and no condoms.

Jonny: but i thought you said we didn't want to have kids?

Lucy: life is too short to be alone. fuck me like a pincushion.

the fucking goes on for a long time in that bed.

Jonny: by my count you've bounced on my dick 50 times now. 

Lucy: isn't it hotter when the woman has LONG hair that flips up and down with the thrusting and thrashing?

Jonny: it takes two years for a woman to grow out hair long, right?

Lucy: this is why i liked you on our second date, you notice things.

Jonny: do you always leave the window open like that when we're fucking?

Lucy: just to let the air in. fresh air. it starts to get musty in here from the love juice.

a woman in a parked car at their lawn sidewalk is peeping-tomming through the large open bay window at the couple. she burns rubber speeding off after she looks at them looking at her.

Lucy: damn, that woman caught glimpse of my naked butt!!! hope she liked the view.

Jonny: we all know who that was. and by all i mean the two of us.

Lucy: yeah it had to be her, that was a Kirkland car.

Jonny: Kirkland makes cars, too? at Costco?