Dennis from the
AV Club is weeping mercilessly on the lap of a red-dressed Leslie Jones. Leslie is okay with this cos she's used to having crying white boys grovel at her feet. as Dennis moves his head over to Cecily Strong's lap, Ceily hits him in the head with her keys before Dennis has a chance to snuggle up to Cecily's tits.
Cecily: keep the crying to a minimum, buster, it's unmanly! remember, women are always watching you now.
Leslie: why you cryin', white boy!? you're not the one who got canned. I still got my credit for
The Master.
Dennis: cos imma miss you, Leslie! i'll miss you REAL bad! YOU were the only reason i stuck around with the weekly SNL AV Club reviews each week for so long, i HATE doing them, i've hated doing them for 10 years now, i do it cos for some reason they keep paying me to. i actually HATE the show, have hated it for years, what this show has become. but YOU were my sole shine, i was the only one defending you in the press when the mob attacked you for not being funny or shouting all the time or playing into
Tom + Jerry stereotypes. you granted me so much white-liberal street cred my guilt ALMOST got used up by a sponge. honestly honestly, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW!!? i don't want to go back to my drudgery terrible job of reviewing this godawful sketch-comedy show. there's no fun in reading the comments now.
Leslie: i'm not dead, just graduating.
Dennis: see? the comments for that would have been
is she graduating from an actual acting academy? to which i would have white-liberal-knighted you, defended your honor, the smell of your rosey pussy by saying to that heathen commenter
back off, bitch! she's mine!!! you didn't go to school, either, you're 12 years old!!! i went to an Ivy in Maine!!!
Cecily:
hey
buster, i'm
still on the show.
Dennis: you, my dear, represent everything i can never have in my life, i secretly hate you for that no matter how talented you are, that will always be reflected in my reviews of you.
Leslie: time for my replacement. and we all know who it should be. SNL needs a regular Asian on the cast: Nora Lum. i mean this is why MAD TV hates us, they were progressive LONG before us, they had Bobby Lee since 9/11!
Dennis: Nora who? Ephron? i don't do the SNL musical-guest reviews, i leave those for the Vice News experts, they review everything through the lens of mindful masculinity.
Cecily: it's so unfair what happened to my girl. Leslie was bullied out of her job by twitter!
Jack Dorsey: hey, come on, guys, twitter is just a tool, okay? it's like a gun. i mean how do you think I feel? you know what it's like to be trolled by the Dalai Lama?
Leslie: i've learned my lesson. i know what the world is now. i tried to be jovial and upbeat. i tried to find love in the video age like everyone else. but imma be hard now.
Dennis and Cecily: NO! you must keep your sweetness and light no matter what! only THAT will victor you against the bullies.
Ariana Grande: speaking of, don't you think we are OTP no matter what, Pete? i mean i literally had a dream that you were my soul mate, you can't contradict pixiedust fate like that! all this runnin' around we doing, it be stupid. let's reconcile and get back together.
Pete: i agree, bae. we were the BEST couple, the best match, we was matches. plus, i can't let Colin Jost WIN over me! he's won enough over me already! i'll be damned if i let a Harvie show me up, i'm from the streets! i'm my father's legacy!...…...okay well the only coupling which was hotter than us was me and Kate Beckinsale you gotta admit...
at the Cream House, President Bump has creamed his pants cos he got the wrong map in front of everybody under the hot news lights:
Bump: shit. no, not that one. okay press out, i have to make a very important phone call.
Maria Butina: um, one last question?
Bump: okay cos you're cute.
Maria takes a Polaroid flash of the map on Bump's desk.
Bump: that's your flash? *on the phone* Nick Saban?
Saban: yes? is that you, President Bitchcakes? *Pence in the background snickering*
Bump: you promised if i did this for you, you'd let me own the Alabama football team. i NEED to own a damn team, the NFL banned me for life cos i wouldn't kneel for the Pledge of Allegiance cos i'm too fat. stick that in your good ol' boy hayseed and vape it. Wilbur Ross?
Wilbur entrances on a wisp of air.
Bump: are you sure it wasn't you? you're already a ghost, you can feel atmospheric pressure. see folks i usually have my secretaries do the presentations with charts and graphs, i'm usually in the corner sniffing the Sharpie. i admit, i haven't been myself lately, ever since i lost control of the fleet of hurricanes i used to command, Vlad is being a meanie and a putz, he's the older brother but still it's unfair. no see, SEE? it was the NEXT hurricane i was talking about! THAT one will hit Alabama! SEE SEE? it's at 911 millibars!
Eye Lugagge: Mr. Fed, if you will the honors...
Federer: huh? did i sleep here last night? time has lost all meaning for me now. i mean we sponsored the fuck out of the Eye-Talian, the Hurricane-Eye-Talian, we had him wear the Barilla hat and everything. i'm not worried about Nadal, we're buddies, it's Djokovic who concerns me, i'm not friends with him, i can't control him with cake...
Chrissie Evert wearing a headscarf interviews Bianca Andreescu at the desk:
Chrissie: don't worry, this is for Rhoda, not you. i like the gypsies actually, they gave me some magic in the '70s. but the dust went right through my strings. so how do you think your life is gonna change?
Andreescu: honestly, i can't really answer that question, it's a four-dimensional concept depending on which soup i use.
Chrissie: did you say soup or soap? oh i can! and i will for you, honey buddy! bitch i mean Bianca missy let me tell you! you're gonna have strange men knocking on your hotel door at all hours. if you want a good time answer the one at 3AM...
Genie Bouchard: it's okay, Bianca, i ain't jealous. that was supposed to be me winning the first Canada Grand Slam, it was supposed to be me the Canadian Sharapova. but...i still got a better booty than you...
Andreescu: no you do not!
Doryce and Gladyce are finishing their stay at the newly-built newly-cultivated newly-refurbished Holman Hotel:
Doryce: so this is luxury on the Central Coast? fine-ing in Pacific Grove? i am disappoint, there was nobody in my penthouse suite when i slid my room key in...
Gladyce: dear, you must remember the Holman is brand new! still sussing out its clientele. we were honored and considered lucky to have stayed. tho it was weird that the entire hotel was built inside the cruise ship.
Doryce: how are you loving your cruise, dear?
Gladyce: it's only love cos it's with you, dear.
Doryce: what's your favorite part of a steakhouse wedge?
Gladyce: oh the CRISPY ONIONS!!! no, the COLD BACON! no the STEAK SEASONING!!!
Doryce: it's basically just pepper.
Gladyce: why is pepper lighter than salt?
Doryce: cos science has yet to experience the heaviness of my jealousy.
Gladyce: plus salt and witch spells just go together, right? oh THE BLEU CHEESE DRESSING!!! where the E is backwards cos all that rave Extasy in it makes you go bonkers in love.
Doryce: so THAT's what all those blue flecks are. Gladyce imma level with you: that was my cum, i wanted us to be closer...
Gladyce: no the best part is that it's an actual wedge! it's cut into a cute little shoebox shape of a wedge, it's a brick of salad! it's too cute to eat! it's more like a witch's shoe! who lives in a shoe with her many kids!
Doryce: we witches, we eat our young...
at LUSH the mob is breaking down the door. Madame Pons slips Sue Su in under cover of day and a dark blanket made of stars. she draws the drapes...meaning closes them.
Pons: it's getting crazy out there! i thought Phish were playing next week. at the park that's now an Amazon. how can finals be the first week? is this college now?
Sue: i'm sorry for being a burden on you, spirit sister. you know i wouldn't be caught dead in here, the smell is intoxicating in a bad way. but i have a problem. the mob at the con. did you see my livestream?
Pons: no, dear, i have to work or i die.
Sue: the crowd was getting rambunctious and violent, i was on stage but they were tearing down the stage! with their bare hands! and some tongues! they demanded to know if that was the vagina on the screen, if i was the vagina, if it was my pussy, the SS pussy! they were shouting at the top of their tippy lungs and with bad breath demanding i unbutton my fly jeans. my butterfly jeans.
mob: *fists* SHOW YOUR CUNT! SHOW YOUR CUNT!
Pons hugs Sue's head.
Pons: it's okay, dear, you're safe now. how'd they get tipped off?
Sue: me. but it's gone too far, it's gotten out of hand, it's out of my control now, it's a monster a life of its own.
Pons: that's what we women need in today's society: control of our love lives. do they know your boyfriend in the video?
Sue: i will NEVER reveal his name, much less his face, his identity is sacrosanct, i love him so much, he's everything to me, he's my super spy of success.
the famous Sue Su rests her crying head gently on Madame Pons's lap until she is all cried out and falls asleep on the lap.
Eye:
Infinity Train and go.
Laertus: wow.
Dirg: right? you tell me what you think it all means.
Eye: why does this one get a second season and
Over The Garden Wall did not? i was so looking forward to seeing those two boys in the same high school and it'd turn into a sitcom second season,
Saved By The Recess Bell Handball Wall.
Dirg: you seem a little flustered, you're getting red over Tulip's red hair.
Eye: we raven goths don't trust gingers, they're outsiders, there's something weird about them, they're already all the witches we wish we could be.
Laertus:
Stranger Things theme music…
Eye: or is that just standard '80s spooky synth music?…Zelda music...
Laertus: i love Tulip's black girlfriend. the one who DOESN'T like video games. Takahashi---wherever you are---cover your ears. there's not enough representation in media for that subset of humans.
Dirg: nonexistent for millennials. don't worry, Takahashi is always wearing his Rooster Teeth Beats By Dre headphones. using video games to help forget your real-life situation, i can relate...on a purely fictional level.
Laertus: this thing got dark. this thing got heavy. this thing got REAL. the divorce stuff, the writers didn't pull punches, it was nicely-done from a young woman's point of view who's just starting to forge relationships of her own and wonders who to trust. i thought of you watching those uncomfortable scenes.
Dirg: uh, thanks? i was just worried for those poor dolphins debasing themselves for our debased human enjoyment and debased culture. who cares if Flipper can flip? just buy some more pink cotton candy and goofy dolphin-fin hats cos this will be the only memory of all three of yous together.
Eye: does the robot ball end up an endearing pet or just annoying?
Dirg: represents the globe, right? dunno, i got used to it cos i watch a lot of
Gundam. the Earth is a flat robot.
Laertus: that spaghetti-wormhole monster robot android thing was intimidating. something out of Miyazaki fused with a soldering gun with del Toro.
Dirg: yeah, those drama masks that are a woman's face and carved lips but with no eye pupils, it just makes me fear women more.
Laertus: there were clues along the way...if you bothered to look...me? that's a drag, i like to be surprised at the end.
Eye: oh i loved The Cat! cos she spoke sexy French! and she's the baddest bitch this side of the galaxy: Captain Janeway! Janeway was my first crush. you KNOW Janeway ONLY has Amazon-Position sex with her men!
Laertus: the Corgi, you don't mess with the Corgi, they're too cute, like papillons, you can't really do anything extreme with royal-looking dogs like that.
Eye: my first dog was a Welsh Corgi, except it was a Black Corgi and i named him Cerberus.
Boris Johnson: *on the phone* the Hair Club is now For Women, too? bollocks.
Jeremy Corbyn: i can see right through you! like i see right through a drain! spotted!
Boris: what? no the big girl's blouse is for CORBYN, not me! no we're not in Flock of Seagulls together! yes, the softest pink you can find, special-order it to 10 as soon as it comes in from Brazil. Australia? sigh, fine. i'll show it to Corbyn at the next Questions, i want to see the Speaker's face when it's time for show-and-tell.
Corbyn: you know, i used to be a Marxist, but actually it's more fun to believe in Fuerza. i want my god to be a woman, i want my god to dominate me sexually, for me to go down on her as she Amazon-Positions me on a soft cloud. THAT's hot. THAT's power. i want nothing to do with the god who created Bojo and Bump and Motel 666.
Codrus: hey, that hurts my feelings, Motel 6 and
That Girl was my best work.
Dirg: you know the writers all got drunk one night---like we do at this podcast every night---and plucked their brainstorms out of a hat to name all the rooms and all the train cars' inhabitants.
Laertus: and the same with securing music rights. you know they went through EVERY song in the songbook till they got "Word Up" simply because the "Word Up" lords decided not to press charges and allowed their song to be used. THANK YOU, Word Up, for not being a bitch about it. wouldn't ALL art be better if EVERY artist just let any artist use their work? just emails and paintbrushes, not courts or scales. songs would be better cos they'd be more influenced and influential. dramas would be chock full of so many references. comics would be a collection of lines. films would all be masterpieces. porn would be more feminist. the world would be a better safer place for ANY art.
Dirg: this show had me with its darkness in The Ball Pit Car. first of all it made me scared of Chuck E Cheese again, childhood flashbacks with my dad, Pasqually's mustache getting in my mouth, and that workplace shooting. but then the dog.
Eye: but you knew the dog death wouldn't last, it was a fakeout, it was another
Family Guy Brian. they couldn't REALLY do that on a kid's show. i was in my feelings and REALLY ready to turn goth.
Laertus: the university rain stuff was a bit convoluted. the time-cop Swatch Watch stuff was convoluted. the mirror-self was a meditation on female masturbation, right?
Eye: yes. it always is.
Laertus: i was certain the woman in the robot suit at the end was Tulip's estranged mother. and then the family would get back together. but they went the realistic route, the parents trying to get along after the divorce for the sake of the kid.
Dirg: but by that time you're screwed. once they get divorced, your life is fucked, case study: Cobain. yeah, that's why i hate elite university stuff needlessly complicated for the proletariat mob. so, like i said, what do you think is the meaning of it all?
Laertus: The Infinity Train is a metaphor for---not to be trite or anything but---life. you're traveling to a destination you know not of, you have no idea who's REALLY in charge, there are forces beyond your control, there's no ROADMAP to it, no beginning, no end, it's just a train that keeps going on and on and on for no apparent reason. you meet people, strange people, at random. much like life, wouldn't you say?
Eye: and yet even Tulip found love, the brat. i hope we're not at some dinner party the three of us thirty years from now discussing this miniseries while standing with napkined garden-hosed soda glasses in our hands, discussing how it's fallen off the tracks into the sands of time and has since become a forgotten cult classic.
Dirg: thirty years later? would i even be alive? why? why would that happen with the second season?
Eye: no it's just i'm realistic. the three of us? together that long? all families eventually get divorced.
Eye:
Moonrise Kingdom, go. the movie we've been waiting for.
Dirg: before we start, what exactly was the Moonrise Kingdom? where on a map? can i go there?
Laertus: it's all in your head. literally. or short answer: anime. well here's the thing. and i'm gonna be honest, this was my first true Wes Anderson movie, and here's the thing: with all of his movies, you either LOVE his style or you DESPISE it. i was going into it blind, and i...…...LOVE it! i know i know, sorry if i'm not indie cool AV Club hipster enough for you, but i did. sorry, Dennis. i wasn't expecting to but i did. Wes's style is TRULY amazingly unique, it's like he's putting on a shoebox-theatre play in front of you with all of his stage sets. this movie is meant to be seen as a play rather than a realistic film, the acting in it is play, it's Broadway, it's broad: like, it's elevated, it's made almost nonhuman, animal, it's like people giving weird loud monologues.
Dirg: yeah but don't you think it's too corny? like it's too deliberately quirky.
Laertus: maybe, but all films, all art, is meant to be affected. be as pretentious as you can possibly be, that's what art's for. be THEATRICAL. i dunno, it stuck with me, certain iconic images, especially that scene with the plate in the log cabin with the hot dog pierced by the fork. couldn't you envision that that was Wes Anderson as a baby boy getting fed a hot dog by his mother? that was straight-up childhood nostalgia right there, '50s Texan home cooking with the linoleum kitchen and the poodle skirt and the phone with the long cord.
Dirg: Bruce Willis, miscast, i wasn't buying him for a second.
Eye: Harvey Keitel for that matter, why'd it have to be Harvey Keitel?
Eye: i saw nothing wrong with this relationship, what was all the fuss about? it's called young love, people, it exists in human experience! two freaks finding outcast love, story of my life. we goths aren't allowed to listen to any vinyl that's not played on a Fisher Price record player.
Laertus: Moonrose Kingdom is that place as a kid you dream about going to to escape the pressures of school and family and love and hate. that island. unfortunately islands aren't safe spaces nowadays.
Laertus: AND NO MORE ANIMAL ABUSE! EVEN IF IT'S "FOR ART"! FIND ANOTHER WAY, I'M LOOKING AT YOU, LARS VON TRIER, YOU STARTED THIS!!!
Laertus: you know, if the Noah's Ark myth was presented in this Wes way, it would have been swallowed down more palatably by us liberals. much more than some Emma Watson Noah movie. you know there's no scientific proof that the Great Flood ever happened.
Dirg: but did the author of
Noye's Fludde happen? his fascinations with his own little personal boy-scout troupe in the backrooms of the librettist shop? Weinstein Effect? is there gonna have to be a Lewis Carroll whitewashing here?
Codrus: i don't want to talk about it, i'm done with the whole Boy Scout thing.
Eye: what's the big deal with these kids? why the electroshock? that's painful you know, it's like getting the Electric Chair for a crime you didn't commit. these kids are just a little ADHD. but back then in the '60s this rebellious couple were doomed with the hot branding iron label of "artistic kids".
Laertus: thus, autistic kids. why are all mother-daughter heart-to-hearts always naked and in a bath tub?
Eye: i wish i had an artist girlfriend like Wes's. to be the set-designer of my films. to be the inker of my comics.
Dirg: trust me, it never works out, professional jealousy gets in the way. why are young kids so eager in a rush to get married? don't they know all marriages end in divorce?
at the con:
Gala: so...…...Starbucks?
Dirg: sorry. i'm a man. i'm not gonna be smartphoned walking the sidewalk curb outside of one of these things with sunglasses and a Pink Drink from Starbucks in my hand trying to cross the road, you know? the honks would be merciless.
Gala turns into a pink hologram and disappears into thin air.
Gala: subject swerves Starbucks, stupid sale.
Dirg: wait! what? you were a bot!? a sales bot? bot and sold? that's why you were getting to know me better, you see me as a dollar sign? sorry i'm a man, will i ever find love? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOMEEEE BAAAACCCCCKKKK i have no one to talk to!
on the other side of the auditorium, Laertus is accosted by a woman in a pink fairy dress and pink-spraypainted hair:
Wendy Dragon: hello, my name is Wendy Dragon. how are you enjoying the con?
Laertus: very well, fine, thank you, you are fine.
Wendy: thank you. square burgers, amirite? so square. when did Earth become so square? juicy and flavorful like my third-eye cunt, sorry i get nervous around hunks. would you like to try this Pink Drink?
Laertus: sorry, i'm a man.
Wendy: i could still love you.
Laertus: okay, *gulp gulp gulp*
Wendy plants a wet kiss on Laertus's lips.
Wendy: your pink mustache is so sexy.
