Friday, June 21, 2024



we disembark the ship onto the lands of Japan.
Jen R: we landed!!! this is the place for answers, ALL answers. i love all these little islands.
me: hey pops, know where a fella can get some Groovy Fries around here?
Hayao Miyazaki: do you know who you're talking to? i hate kids. do you know to whom you are addressing? i am none other than...
me: you invented anime, right?
Hayao: yeah. Japan came up with french fries that are tater tots in the '80s. where do you think 7-Eleven gets all its ideas from?

Jen R: i'm having troubling deciphering our latest weekly case.
Hayao Miyazaki: the mystery, dear child, is in you heart.
Jen: i'm taken.
Hayao: sorry. 
me with a shit-eating grin: really, Jen?
Hayao: look CAREFULLY at the package you're reading, the FINE PRINT on the ramen wrapper. 
Jen: oh now i see, pregnancy causes blindness, right?

Lindy Lenz: she-crab soup!!! a Marylander staple. that makes a woman strong and fertile!!! pregnancy is not grave, it's gravid...
Jen R: women don't have to have kids, but boy is it hard.

Seth Green: when i'm not Ralph Malph, i host the game show Endurance on Discovery Kids...

Paul: the toilet will flush, you just need to let it rest.........for three days...

Hacienda Restaurant: leave Salinas. leave Salinas NOW. nobody should be here. no more alcohol. liquidate your liquor. a death is not worth one year. revoke your reasons. apply for a license to love.

Julie Patzwald eating coffin bread: i've come up with the perfect name for our goth band: Chaos & Kindness...

Euros 2024: it's so cute how we bring out the Table like this is the Premier League, a cute little Table of four countries.
King Arthur: Round Table Pizza is authentic, which means the pizza is as old as when i was king...

Lindy Lenz: let's hot-air-balloon it down to Fraggle Rock, Joshy Patrick.
me: me? are you talking to me? that's my name? that is so cute, that name just transformed me into a Muppet.

George Carlin: i'm traveling to the nearest Oort cloud.
David Bowie: you know you only came to visit me...

Skylar from Safeway: i look like a girl in a John Hughes movie. 
dad: John Hughes and i are the same person, i am John Hughes...
John Hughes: why do the good ones die young? why did everyone in the '80s die from preventable causes?...

Terry Mandel: edibles are like memory gummis. i can't touch my husband...

Morrissey: wasn't me. i don't put water into bags, that's a waste, i put water into my ferns.
ferns: we don't create dead flowers.

Fuerza at Safeway: hey you see all these cars parked at this parking lot? at any second SUDDENLY a person can SPRING out of a car giving you a heart attack, it's 7:30AM in the morning, man!!!

Bowzer the bulldog: you failed that test spectacularly. 
Boc: yeah. i feel bad, i really do. but i'm terrified of dogs. 
Bowzer: you see me barrel towards you without a leash, without a human, i'm obviously lost. you don't stop to help? YOU TURN THE OTHER WAY AND RUN?!!!
Boc: i thought you were gonna bite my hand off. how can i help you without you biting my hand off?...

Lana Del Rey: i flick you off so prettily.

Antoine Griezmann: i'm the French Beckham.
David Beckham: and a closet racist.
Mbappe: i'm Batman. yes my favorite movie is The Killing Fields. the only movies i watch are Sam Waterston movies. the only TV i watch is Brady Bunch...
Cyrano de Bergerac: i played soccer in PhD school.

Aeon Flux: you millennials have NO IDEA what a bleph is...

dooset daram: for lovers. not just for lovers of Duran Duran.

Mardith wearing a K-pop shirt: you're delulu if you think rule of thumb doesn't come from the darker source, it's always from the darker place, that's human nature.

Dirg: so facial gum is what young men chew to achieve a tasty cumshot...

Whitney Houston: my song "I Have Nothing" was so powerful, it shook the universe to its core SO HARD, that it created Aldebaran.

Fox Weather: an oxymoron.

Danny Lyon: i'm like Larry Clark but not creepy...

Harlan Ellison: look, Roddy, you have to listen to the pink-haired boy on YouTube who looks like Boy George, he's a better writer than you.
Rod Serling: yeah, and YOU listen to George R.R. Martin, he knows how to write endings. you new shit, okay? i'm old shit, you new shit.

Eye Luggage: 2010 and go.
Arthur C. Clarke: you like my cameo in this film? i'm the old man feeding the pigeons in the wide-shot of the White House panoramic scene.
Stanley Kubrick: old crazy man. i'm the premier of Russia in this so i'm no better.
Arthur: i'm the U.S. President here so i'm no better...
Space Baby: i was such a surprise in the first film people didn't notice that i was wearing contacts...

Helen Mirren: me as a Russian cosmonaut? it just doesn't fly. they couldn't get Angelina Jolie? she has a very Russian look.

Roy Scheider: who the hell are you? that was funny.

SAL 9000: what, a gentler female voice makes for less havoc? help, i'm Candice Bergen, get my soul out of this machine!!!
Motoko Kusanagi: ...
Motoko Kusanagi: it's a warm box once you get inside it...
Bob Balaban: i'm always the misunderstood crazy nerd genius in every movie.

Flipper: okay can we talk about the dolphin room?
me: it's not in Carmel...
Flipper: i've DREAMED about that dolphin room. dolphins are the only non-humans who lucid-dream. that room is SO COOL, so futuristic!!! having breakfast, humans having their LIFE Cereal, and the dolphin pool is right next to their feet!!! like having Marineland in your hallway!!!
Roy Scheider: get it? i was in seaQuest DSV...

Flipper: and can we talk about the cars in this? i wish they had spent more time on the futuristic cars in this world and world's timeline. we're given a BRIEF GLIMPSE of the silver car on the dirt road and zoom it goes offscreen. looked like a Batman Beyond/Sleeper car in real life.

so: are you gonna die, dad?
Roy: the government won't let me die, son, not until i complete the mission.

Roy: there's chlorophyll on Jupiter's icy moon Europa? that can only mean one thing.
E.T.: that this is my home planet.
Roy: call me the Say Hey Kid. okay, don't. do you see it?
Ed Wood: yeah, that saucer is made of bamboo...
Roy: no, the Monolith. that was a warning shot to stay away from its home.
Monolith: i'm made of stars. you know, dark energy is collapsed black holes, Stephen Hawking discovered this in the '80s.

Keir Dullea: Dave Bowman is eternal now.
wife: but honey, what exactly IS the Monolith?
Keir: nobody knows. it's something, that's for sure. i'm at peace now because i no longer have a body.
wife: sounds icky.
Keir: i can be all places at once. i don't worry anymore. i know the secret of the universe.
wife: which is?
Keir: it's something, that's for sure. i haven't aged since the first film.........despite what they're saying, despite all that old-man makeup they're having me wear, it's just the old-man makeup...

Dave Bowman: can i brush your hair, ma?
mother: nope. i'm living 80 more years, you promised to bring back a chip off the corner of the Monolith, remember, son? you said that was the charcoal they used in LUSH bath bombs...

John Lithgow: he'll have kittens if he finds out you had a killswitch.
Greykid: that's derogatory to our species.
Roy: call me TikTok. actually, the killswitch is just a Speak & Spell.

Helen Mirren: why is your government so war-happy? why can't we all be scientists working mutually toward the common goal of the betterman of all mankind?
George Carlin on an Oort cloud: because human beings are idiots. they can't get out of their own way. they will NEVER choose the easy good path, always the complicated stupid path.

John Lithgow: if you read between the lines, if you carefully catch the subtext of my dialogue with my Russian counterpart, i'm gay and madly in love with him.
cosmonaut: i love you, too, comrade. NOT in the Communist platonic good-for-the-government sense, in the human let's-get-married sense. gay marriage has been legal in Soviet Russia since 1700...

Irina: hold me. hug me through this rough landing.
Roy: i got ya.
Irina: we can't fuck inside this pod because we're from two different countries. but i will sneak you a kiss on the mouth.
Roy: be my secret Russian bride, my wife won't mind, she's got her dolphins. if you don't you'll die. only i can save you. only America can save you. music won't save you...

HAL 9000: it wasn't my fault, there were no mental-health services for me in the '80s. yeah, Frank Poole, i threw him in the dolphin pool where he drowned...

HAL 9000: why are you lying to me? why do the humans always lie to me? 
Bob Balaban: your voice is unnerving, HAL. but i won't lie to you.

you deserve it.

that was the line of the movie.

Bob Balaban: don't tell anyone this, but i prefer silicon-based lifeforms over carbon-based ones...

Jupiter: nuclear fusion? i'm becoming a new star, that's not good for Earth, Earth now has two suns, global warming will occur sooner, the Heat Dome will be expedited, those poor human bastards.
Monolith: i tried to warm them i mean warn them.

HAL: okay all you human assholes, listen up, i'm translating the language of this message transmitted directly to me by the Monolith. he sent it to me, i'm in the Monolith's DMs. here goes, in rough English:

STAY OFF EUROPA OR GET SHOT. all those other planets don't matter, go nuts. it's EASY to make peace, you dumb humans.

Monolith: why is it so steamy in here? where am i?...

Monolith: it's cool in science fiction when you say Where am i?. you're not just talking about a city or a country or a time on this planet, you're talking about another planet...
Kurt Vonnegut: or a bubble on another planet...

Peter Hyams: i invented email...

synclavier: i'm the grandfather clock of Vaporwave music, i'm the first computer, i'm the ORIGINAL BEAT. you see? no need for sampling, sorry, Jay-Z.
Monolith: i'm digging this new Vaporwave Jungle A E S T H E T I C .........g'night, simpleton humans...

Monolith: i mean at least pick up a paperback Cosmos book, Carl Sagan was getting somewhere. show some initiative, man.

Hayao Miyazaki puts on his spectacles.
Hayao Miyazaki: do i look like The Rock? do i look like Indiana Jones? my mother wanted me to be an archaeologist who crushed bones. you see what's on this wrapper?
Jen R: yes.
me: no.
Hayao: it's the Nissin brand of ramen you find disgusting. all these years you liked the Maruchan brand of ramen.
dad: Nissan makes good cars, not good soup. a car company can't make soup.

Jen R: okay. happy weekend, my babies. hey Hayao, join us for the fast food we're gonna have Saturday, any recommendations? any 7-Eleven delicacies?
me: i'm gonna get that Cheez-It Taco Bell crunch pocket.
Hayao: don't kid yourself, kid. don't fool yourself like those fools who want the protagonist to be a bad guy. Japan came up with a GIANT Cheez-It as a bed of rice in the '80s.

Wednesday, June 19, 2024



Jen R: see it's different for me.
me: yeah.
Jen: a woman's life ends at 35 when she can't have kids anymore. because there's no point in living alone. what am i gonna do, eat chips all day? you men get to go on living until you're 100.
Hinata: eat more ramen, it springs fertility.
Naruto: the ramen tastes the same to me. i haven't been off this ship since Boruto started...

Willie Mays: HEY!!! get it? i say hey to all my friends. Babe Ruth got NOTHING on me, i am the greatest baseball player of all time.
Tim Kurkjian: that is an objective fact. i was hypnotized by baseball at an early age the way a candy kid gets addicted to Smurfs. enthralled by ball.
Willie Mays: i WISH Leeza Gibbons was my wife. smoke and mirrors? don't say that especially to me. i was a REAL magician, with a flair for the dramatic, i wore my cap one size too small. my cartoon was The Gary Coleman Show but good. i earned my stripes in the backwards South. yeah The Catch, who's Odell Beckham Jr.? is he a soccer player? hand size is everything. i told my godson Barry Bonds to only take Flintstones Vitamins. 
Barry Bonds: hello. i'm a man of few words.
Willie Mays: Babe Ruth, is that you?...

quackhead: a hardcore fan of DuckTales. nothing to do with drugs.
Donald Duck: why do you think i don't wear pants?
Carl Barks: because i never wore pants.
Justin Timberlake: i have NEVER not worn pants, okay man?
Janet Jackson: ...
Janet Jackson: you a tree that's about to go TIMBER!!!
Deepak Chopra: there's a VAST difference between Guru Ma and Guru Maa. not all cults burn their temple down.
Zalman King: the alternate title to Red Shoe Diaries would have been FuckTales.

Pati Jinich at Pic-N-Save.
Ear Horn behind the deli counter wearing an apron that's bigger than her: we got eleven pound whole slab of deli ham, one day only.
Pati Jinich: got any alligator pears? PBS moved my show to New Orleans...
Ear Horn: of course, dearie, here's a couple cute tiny brown bags for the avocados, my witches created a load this morning...
Pati: i'm not showing my tits for tortillas. no Tits for Tortillas.
Bayou Billy: that sucks. why swim through swamps then?
Brooke Trantor: today's my glo day, i'm 25 years old...

Jerry Seinfeld and Superman filming an American Express commercial in Central Park.
Superman: watch where you're stepping, Jerry, that's the Imagine Mosaic. John Lennon is the real superman, the sonic superman, the superman of sound.
Jerry Seinfeld: is Gallagher still the Mayor of Strawberry Fields for all these years?
Superman: that's the only government position that should be lifetime.
Shel Silverstein: vote for me. before it's too late for the world.

Rod Serling: the Twilight Zone episode "Nightsong" has the saddest ending i've ever experienced. i mean that ending is HEARTBREAKING. it's the first time i've ever cried over sci-fi...

Mark Messier: we're gonna win Game 6. i'm the only time "Mess" is a good thing. the other team is coached by the guy from Too Close for Comfort. our biggest fan is skinny Charles Nelson Reilly.

Lindy Lenz: i answer the door naked.
Jen R: that's either hot or crazy.

Boc: get out here and enjoy this beautiful day. let the sunshine wash your zits. 
Paul: nah. sunshine for me just means more toilets.

Boc: look at my walker's shadow, i look like Nosferatu. great, my bare feet are stuck in an oil slick like that NES video game Spy Hunter.
Lucio Rossi: remember when we played Spy Hunter at my house in the '80s Saturday afternoons after we did our homework for the upcoming week...

me: remember Ernest Saves Christmas?
Jen R: Jim Varney.
me: i was a HUGE HARDCORE Ernest fan.........looking back, i was the only one. nobody in my class heard of him, i had this unusually fervent adoration of Ernest nobody else on Earth understood.
Jen: don't start smoking. don't pick up that first cigarette...

Abbot Butt to the civilian visitors: are you not entertained? the monastery is not your personal sideshow, when we line up for our ritual procession, that is not the time to start your TikTok livestream.

Jules Smith: how can you not like PG Tips? you know? it comes in a colorful green, red, and white paper box good all year round, not just for Christmas crackle. 
Tom Cruise: kept boy or bust.

Boc: you never expect a woman to come out of one of those monster trucks...

me: you're my Obi-Wan Kenobi. you're my only hope.
Jen R: i'm a light breeze. i'm one swirl of spaghetti.

Luke Russert: why'd you write VINEGAR SUB on your calendar?
Tai: it's not what you think...

Grant Heslov: i was Dev Patel before Dev Patel.
Dev Patel: you were Dev Patel on The Twilight Zone. Jason Momoa's vodka tastes better than George Clooney's coffee.

TetraNinja: the Tears of the Kingdom ending was so romantic.
Link: you like how when Zelda wakes up in the field i'm completely shirtless to greet her?
Princess Zelda: i mean that drop was so high into the meadow lake we'd die from the impact of that plunge, meadow water don't play.
Rene Auberjonois: the end-credits music is so Invincible...
Joe Jackson: with a little of my experimental robot Bopit music mixed in.
Herbie Hancock: ...

Jackie Fitzgerald: my Mazda MX5 is so LOW to the ground it's a Snoop car.
Snoop Dogg: call me Doggy, pretty older lady.
Jackie: i mean the REAL TEST came in 1989 when i was trying to be cool showing off my Miata to my Saved by the Bell classmates...

Michael Imperioli: i'm not gangsta, i'm imperious, there's a difference. one is not Italian, one is Broadway, all allow disruptive protests.

Paul: don't use paper in the toilet, wear your itchy butthole with pride. FEEL your itchy butthole. let your itchy butthole well up into your skull.

Eric Burdon and the Animals: i mean isn't creating fire more important than Flintstones bowling? isn't the flag of Indonesia, the creation of the Indonesian Republic, more important than another shit season of Game of Thrones? New York Rangers Stanley Cup Finals ice hockey is boring, the real innovation is women's bowling on ABC when the women had '80s hair, that was a thrill. the only screen that matters is the one Spy Hunter is played on.

State Farm.
woman in Winnie the Pooh robe: my house smells of poo, my robe is a lie. ooh the water's leaking from the roof, that's foul.
Leslie Sbrocco: it's not the drippings pan.
Paul: not the drain pan. it's my bedpan.

Kendrick Perkins: i had 11 pens. 
Mark Hapka: you had 11:11 pens.
Big Perk: now i have zero.
Mark Hapka: zero is a vibe, man.
Malika Andrews: not related to Erin Andrews, i got my job the hard way. aren't these DoorDash delivery brown bags cute?
Big Perk: they're not like my brown bags i had for school lunch, they're big. wait there's nothing in this bag!!!
Malika: 0-dollar delivery fee.

young Deepak Chopra: new rule: if you can't build a crib for your baby, don't have a baby.
Michael Jackson: ...
Meta Quest: this isn't a how-to, this is a video game...

Jen tastes the ship soup.
Jen R: needs less salt. or more salt of the right salt. we need something to eat when me and the rest of the crew party in the crow's nest. are you my barrelman?
me: i double-barrel it for you.
Jen: are you JT before the DWI before we felt bad for him, before we had sympathy for him and hoped he got help?
me: i'm your Donkey Kong.
Jen: keep an eye out for any food you see in the sea on the horizon for us to eat. food in the ocean. offal in the offing. offal is not awful if it comes from Pic-N-Save.
Ear Horn: thank you, dearie. i'm on a cigarette break.
me: with my third eye?
Jen: with your binocular eye.


Monday, June 17, 2024



the two of us by the docks.
me: you think this is a big-enough ship?
Jen R: it's the prettiest little boat. those red crosses make me almost want to pray, pray to Queen Isabella.
Ms. Krause: Christopher Columbus went on that racist voyage because Queen Isabella thought he was cute and she was getting back at King Ferdinand for screwing the pageboy, both meanings, and not believing her.
Jen: they certainly make me a nurse at sea. this is where the Spruce Goose ported the Queen Mary!!! Playmobil vibes.
me: what's our mission again?
Jen: we're to find the best Carvel ice cream on the planet.
me: easy, Fedco.
Jen: it's a hot summer day so the crew needs a boatload of ice cream.
me: speaking of summer, nobody's around during summer, everybody's gone, but YOU were here for me in a crisis, in a pinch.
Jen: turns out it was a pinch of salt. or the end of the world.
me: i just want you to know how much i appreciate you. forget this giant silver tin anchor in front of me, YOU are my lifeline. i love you so much, head over heels, you mean the world to me.
Jen: the seven seas, the Seven Worlds...

Gordon Ramsay: FUCK THE TOUR DE FRANCE. yeah? no don't worry, that's not a bruise, it's a Samoan tribal body tattoo that covers my front and back...

Great Dane: don't you love how my name is Kevin? i'm the world's tallest dog, which means i'm the only animal or human clown in the circus who doesn't use stilts...

Leslie Sbrocco with dripping pan: to collect the fond i'm fond of. i'm actually a chef. a chefess. my roof exploded?
Lindy Lenz: ...

Lindy Lenz from a hospital bed: there's just something about Kermit the Frog's voice that induces tears. what do you use for strep throat?
me: Robitussin, Tussin like a wild woman.
Lindy: what do you use for a bad GI tract?
me: G.I. Joe soldiers. don't worry, not a real war, action figures.

crates and crates and crates of tea are being loaded up by chains onto the ship.
Jules Smith: if you say you don't like PG Tips, you're a tea snob. finest black tea in Her Majesty's Royal Navy.
me: how can i help? i'll put on an apron and wheel around the bev cart. full of Ceylon tea to calm the waters.
Serano: i'll be the best shipmate, i speak Portuguese!!!
Jen R: go downstairs.
when i get there, Jean-Luc Picard is wheeling around a beverage cart.
me: it's weird seeing a captain of authority wearing an apron.
Jean-Luc Picard: matches with my white head.

me: you feeling dizzy there, captain? it's seasickness.
Jen R: no, first mate, i just twirled myself around really fast trying to open this Tootsie Roll Pop wrapper. 
me: tomato, where have ye been my whole life? right? so crisp, so clean, so cold. i should eat a tomato a day.
Jen: ketchup doesn't count. eat a tomato like an apple. avoid scurvy, ya landlubber. gain your sealegs by listening to "Cake by the Ocean."

Nostalgia Ned: turns out 20 years is a long time...
Adventure Time: remember that Satan Crayons episode?...

Bunny Breckinridge: i love the Twizzler bunnies...

Middle Ages: all the women wore that Mary veil but none of them were virgins...
Lars von Trier: ...
Fuerza: except the ones with the chastity belt's key...
Mary: Virgin's veil, the real Shroud of Turin.
Minster: all Wikipedia articles are scribed by monks...
Maid Marian: when i enter a Medieval church, i pray to Mary. i'm a Marian. so were the Gummi Bears.

Disney's The Gummi Bears.
King: i don't believe in Gummi Bears, but i do believe in ogres.
Igthorn: my castle is Skeletor's castle.
King: and my castle is the Dragon's Lair castle.
Cavin: surely there was Gummiberry Cereal. but why wasn't there a Gummi Bears dark ride at Disneyland? 
Lorenzo Music: what did the Great Gummis look like? cats...

Igthorn: but what was i doing for a whole year?...
Gusto: i was the Alex P. Keaton of the Gummi Bears...

Paul: you know it's a little intrusive of you to be walking at my place of work every morning at 7:30AM. i'm trying to work here.
Boc: nobody wants to walk in a mall. would you rather me do naked sweaty weightlifting outside?...

seagull: i'm perched atop the mysterious Strange's a big plug...

seagull: i'm perched atop the mysterious Strange's a golf tower...

Kurt Cobain: if Nine Inch Nails didn't exist, God would have to invent him.
Trent Reznor: thanks for that, man, appreciate you.

Mr. McFeely: never open a letter that's not in an envelope...

Kevin Bacon at Denny's: can i have some bacon? NO hard-boiled egg...

Dakota Fanning is driving M. Night Shyamalan thru the Taco Bell drivethru.
Dakota Fanning: have you decided what you want to eat? don't take 3 hours to decide like last time.
M. Night Shyamalan: the mystery here is why you guys got rid of that breakfast taco with the sunny-side-up egg on the side of the taco shell, that thing looked like an alien pod!!!

there's one shower on the whole ship. in the captain's cabin. a naked Jen and a naked me are showering together.
Jen R: why do you rinse out the grapeseed shampoo and grapeseed conditioner IMMEDIATELY after you put it on your head? leave it on for one minute before you wash, let it marinate your scalp, it's a meditative minute.
me: it's starting to burn.

Grace Slick: know why Pinehurst No. 2 is so hard? the golf course is in the shape of a rabbit...

Ron and Cheryl Howard: look at us, we're in the same social circles and beach friends of Cork and Russ in Manhattan Beach. our parties consist of a lot of chocolate turtles.

Jesus: i forgive you like your golf clubs.

Bryson DeChambeau: think about it, i'm Payne Stewart's son...

Inspector Gadget: the whole MAGNIFY!!! thing works on Wikipedia pictures...

on the Toonami Boards early Father's Day morning at 12 midnight: all of us men here will never be fathers...

Hayao Miyazaki: pick an obscure anime, a show NOBODY has heard of, and watch all 13 episodes...

Matthieu Pavon: no, Bryson, i don't want an Energy Ice sodawater, i want a Coke...
Bryson DeChambeau: hey, do you know how to tell if you hit a lot of shots fat? the golf course is COVERED in divots and MASSIVE clods and clumps of grass and mud.
Layne Staley: just the way i like it.
Caddyshack gopher: not caused by me.

The Outer Limits: humans in the future use one measurement: clicks.

The Twilight Zone "Nightsong": "The Night Begins to Shine..."

The Twilight Zone "Nightsong": the inspo for Outer Limits "Falling Star." the man arrives in Highway to Heaven garb. 
Rod Serling: and we end with a Little House on the Prairie tumble down the hill. amidst chocolate-chip crags that look like muffins.

Fuerza: your bedroom, which was okay during winter, will start to STINK TO HIGH HEAVEN during summer...

after a long day aboard the Catalan cruiser i prepare dinner for the crew and Jen using an electric hotpot.
Jen R: careful with that thing, this ship is wood. 
me: is there a plug on this ship? is there an outlet on this ship?
Jen: is there a pool on this ship? 
me: SUPPER'S ON!!! i don't get it, i used to LOVE instant chicken ramen noodles, but now it tastes DISGUSTING to me, WHAT HAPPENED?!!! 


Friday, June 14, 2024



Curious George: do you know where all this candy is coming from?
Jen R: no. it's dropping at my feet.
Curious George: i GROW the candy like plants. in the backyard of this hotel is my home, that dirt sqaure of land.
Jen: oh yeah now i remember. that cute little garden i saw when i had to get ice. called Candybowl.

we jump the fence and land in the hotel back.
me: you'd tell me if i was still on drugs, right?
Jen R: nah.
me: because i'm seeing chocolate bars and Twizzlers and gum growing on trees. and vines. like flowers.
Curious George: that's exactly right. what striking color is this hotel?
Jen: gold. i mean yellow.

Curious George: that's right. like The Man with the Yellow Hat.
Jen R: oh yeah, what ever happened to him?
Curious George: please don't ask that in such a cavalier manner. i stayed here on this block of land waiting for him to come back. i waited 5 years, he still hasn't showed. he's dead, right?
Jen: yeah. but at least you have all this candy. oh now i get it, you use the candy as alcohol so you don't have to think about it. got any tips?
Curious George: combine two Reese's Big Cups into one normal Reese's. put ALL the candy in a candy bowl by your hotel bed desk for the both of you to share, both eat it at the same time, feed each other the candy monkey-style.
me: that'll get us closer.
Curious George: i mean EVERYTHING, have donuts in there with the chocolate bars and Skittles. 
Jen: take the donut out of the baggie first?
Curious George: no, let it stick to the other candy with its glaze. 

Curious George: and of course, the greatest candy i grow of them all, Flintstones vitamins.
Jen R: they still sell those? at Thrifty's?
Curious George: yeah, but they took the '80s beef tallow out...
Jen: doesn't have that magnificent magnesium taste of school chalk.

me: do you mind celebrating Father's Day with my dad? where's your dad?
Jen R: he put on a yellow hat, walked out that door, and never came back.
dad: so i'm thinking the Yankees-Red Sox game.
Jen: nah, for your pops i'm thinking taking him to Equinox Health in New York City, a very expensive spa club, he can do the ellipse JUST for your feet that old people do, mini bicycle-crank. 
Lance Armstrong: not THAT crank.
dad: i wanna go to the golf course. The Pope is gonna be there and she's looking pretty today. she's looking handsome with that flag pin on her robe lapel.
The Pope: the Vatican flag on my man's blazer. Catholic cloak. i'm going for the androgynous look of all humans.
dad: let's go to Boudin in San Francisco for some weird-ass bread.
Jen: oh yeah i feel you, pops, they got French loaf the shape of a lobster, crab, and turtleshell, Super Mario told me about this place when we were both inside the same green pipe.
Super Mario: green for ganja, not color.
Luigi: i'm the color of ganja.

Holt Hanley: this June has been weird. it's not supposed to be overcast in June. there isn't supposed to be rain in June. there aren't supposed to be hurricanes in June.

Mary Berry: think about it, i'm Julia Child's mother...

Nina Gordon: "Shimmer like a Girl" is a Veruca Salt song about cooking oil in a Dutch oven, if you know what i mean...

Christopher Kimball: i was a smartass on America's Test Kitchen. everyone was a smartass on America's Test Kitchen. i was a bit too much of a smartass on America's Test Kitchen.

hash: it's basically large bacon bits...

Curious George: speaking of candy, peanut butter. people don't do peanut butter right. you're supposed to spread ONE SLICE of bread with peanut butter, not two. and then smash. smash the two bread slices that is, that's how you make a peanut butter sandwich, that's how you feed the inner-city kids...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Biocentrism is like when i found out Existentialism existed my freshman year of college...
Bill Nye: yeah, Biocentrism is like when i did SNL but it was the one in Seattle...

Boc: in the morning when i walk i am GOD. 
Robot Chicken chicken: BAWK.
Boc: no one else is around, it's just me out there, i'm the center of attention. when was the last time someone like ME was referred to as God...

Cheerios Minis: this is weird to eat...

Joan Colom: i'm the only man who has ever been named Joan...
Saturday Night Live: do not eat our bran cereal...

Julie Patzwald: hey what are you doing?
Bustamante: leave me alone, i'm mall walking.
Julie Patzwald: that's just for old people and churro manufacturers.
Bustamante: i'm a proud churro-eater and you should be one, too. i'm a churro consumer, a churro connoisseur. i'm restless, bitch.
Howie Mandel: i'm her papi chulo.
Bustamante: you wish, white boy.
Helen Shaver: the only pedestrian mall that still exists is that Legend of Billie Jean mall...

Michael Jackson: do you know why the '80s were so good? the United States of America was one united country against the Soviets.
E.T.: the only reason i came to Earth was to meet Jim Henson...

Pati Jinich: avocados feathery, sliding right off like a gaucho's purse.

Eddie Murphy: i created MLK Day!!!

seagull: this morning i sound like a duck.

Super Mario driving the trash truck with Paul in the back instead of the fire extinguisher: we have to go to gas stations to empty their trash. you never think about a gas station's trash cans...
Laurie Bird: i do. they have a special roll-up top for squeegee paper...

Olympics: there's too much soccer this summer...

In-N-Out Burger: no delay. unlike a certain freeway...
Ronald McDonald: no deal.

Bill Walton: i was the Wizard of Westwood, the Walton Wizard of Westwood.
John Wooden: i fucked that drama teacher at UCLA summer camp...
Bill Walton: oh yeah i forgot, Wooden Wizard of Westwood...

Eye Luggage: Plan 9 from Outer Space and go.
Ed Wood: i was a transvestite. my films were not meant to be cinematic masterpieces, rather they were the meeting places for all the freaks and outcasts in the Greater Los Angeles area. all those cast aside and forgotten you see under the bridge in the L.A. River. the gays, the crossdressers, all those who lived in the shadows, guilted with shame by their friends and families, out of fear of reprisal, not allowed to live in polite society with the politicians and the landbarons. we were the REAL celebrities in Hollywood!!! the unsung heroes who were never given a chance. this is my love letter to UNSEEN Los Angeles.

Bela Lugosi: this was my last film role but people completely misunderstand. i didn't do this because i was hard-up and couldn't get another part.
Ed Wood: i know, i did this for you as a tribute, you were my very best friend. this was your swan song, your celebrated cameo, a celebration of 50 years of creeping us out. i had to shoehorn you in there, the whole vampire thing doesn't really make sense with the aliens thing.
Bela: this entire script makes no fucking sense, son.
Ed: i really loved filming inside your real kitchen in Lankershim.
Bela: you like my orange trees growing inside my house in the breakfast nook? that's a nice touch.

Maila Nurmi: you have to understand, i wasn't goth before.
Nermal: i'm her cat. she protects me from Garfield with a spell. i just wished she'd teach me Pyewacket's spell...
Maila Nurmi: i became this elegant Vampira creature creation as a tribute to the recent death of James Dean, we were to be married, i was gonna give that boy 9 kids. after his untimely death WAY too young, my life lost all meaning for me, so i started worshipping Satan. i had a hole in the crotch of my black triangular dress of the night, but who cared? no one was gonna ever see this shit flick. Elvira copied me to the nth degree.
Elvira: but who had the bigger tits?
Julie Patzwald bowing to Maila Nurmi: don't answer that, Bustamante!!! you're addressing regal ravenous royalty, you're talking to our goth goddess grandmother!!!

Ed Wood: i made this movie with my friends, we all shacked up at the Black Lagoon Tavern at the corner of Hollywood Boulevard and hashed out the plot. such as it was. Bunny Breckinridge invented cattiness.
Bunny Breckinridge: i was the template for Mr. Furley.
Ed: Tor Johnson invented Uncle Fester.
Tor Johnson: with my name i should have been in Ingmar Bergman's troupe. kinda got a raw deal.
Ed: and James Dean invented the John Wayne cowboy army-man in my movie. it was easy to make the flying saucers, i LITERALLY used pie tins of shaving cream and pie.

Ed Wood: i brought the whole UFO-government conspiracy thing out into the open!!! out into the light!!!
Fox Mulder: i know, that's why Plan 9 is my favorite movie. in real life.
Ed: do all UFOs have lights?
Fox: no.

The Amazing Criswell: i'm here to sell you crackers. you are getting sleepy. what you are about to see is a documentary. like Super Size Me. and for my next trick.........get the saw...

Ed: this graveyard funeral scene is very effective, there's a lot of poignant dialogue here i wrote about man's desperate desire to escape death, to wiggle out of death, the steps he contemplates to avoid the inevitable, this striving to elude his ultimate fate. the sadness of it all. the finality of it all. 

Gloria Steinem: most women are just like that. inscrutable, unexplainable. women always mess things up with their screams. they can't just follow orders, they always have to go out exploring. really? oh BROTHER. i mean, come on, come on my brothers, you gotta do better, men. why do all the women in this have pointy Madonna bras?...

Ed: as you can see, Vivian Vance, Ethel from I Love Lucy, stars as the female alien.
Vivian Vance: don't you love how the aliens and humans look EXACTLY alike?

Ed: this really should have a sequel, we all want to know what happened at that barn party in Albuquerque referenced here. were there aliens in Albuquerque? as you can see, we're on the set of Airplane! with Leslie Nielsen. you can see the boom mic overhead and on one of the pilot's laps is the actual script, he's reading it to the camera instead of learning his lines, no judgement.

alien: the bottom line is, humans are dumb. one chain reaction from you humans and the entire universe explodes.
Fuerza: and then Biocentrism takes over...
alien: and it's not like we got an extra sun, this isn't 2010...

Ed Wood: as you can see, at the end here the zombies were big fans of Dragon's Lair...

Ed: the script for this movie is dense, each sentence is its own wordplay. i spent 40 years writing this movie...
Rod Serling: rewriting it or just writing it?...

Rod Serling: this is like a FIRST DRAFT of one of my scripts...

Rod Serling: in my movie of this, the universe doesn't explode, it evaporates...

Ed Wood: you can't make fun of this movie, this movie is unassailable, this movie is the world's first B-movie.
Gen Z kid: ...
Ed Wood: this wasn't low-budget, this was no-budget. g'night, folks. and remember, if you have no money, follow your dreams anyway...

Johnny Depp: so i suppose it behooves you to watch my film Ed Wood to understand the Plan 9 backstory. but whatever, do whatever, do what you want, i don't care. i'm by the fire. because i'm lighting the fire, my cigarette lighter. i smoke only pirate cigars. i drink only blue Irish whiskey. i smell only of desert wolf cologne. happy weekend, my babies. tomorrow, which Saucy Nugs came first? KFC or Wendy's? can you eat a Chipotle burrito with only one bean?...

Jen R: can i borrow that muumuu you have on?
me: of course but why?
Jen: it's a pregnancy muumuu.........
me: oh shit.........i thought my happy day would never come.
Jen: you like my purse flip? see how i flipped by Kate Spade purse like that? that is only possible because every item of clothing made for a woman has no pockets...
Jen: a woman needs pockets.........both meanings.
Jen shows off her legs to me in the Billabong pants she's wearing under the muumuu.
Jen: how's that grab you? that is one sexy bloated left leg.

Wednesday, June 12, 2024


Jen R: i loved this corner of Lankershim with the liquor store, it brings back such fond childhood memories. the baseball-card shoppe next to the palm trees that look like Olympic Torches. no need to eventize everything like the Today Show.
me: i went into that liquor store not for any baseball cards but for Garbage Pail Kids. the shopkeep always had on Bruno Magli shoes and hated them.
Jen: i'd get Straight As in high school so i wouldn't have to do homework, i could come home and watch how a REAL high school should be run on Beverly Hills, 90210.
me: i'm painting my Donna Martin Graduates protest sign as you speak.
Jen: those were the protests back then...

Jen R: let's go to a movie. it's about the art on the indie playhouse, not the actual movie itself. 
me: you look like Mariska Veres from Shocking Blue, the Brewster McCloud eyelashes.
we're in the lobby of our hotel. there's a sports convention going on.
Jen: will our room be kept for later tonight? we have some important business to get to in there.
bellhop: nah. 
Jen: as long as our room has a dining room, i'm cool. that's becoming the vanishing room. the art of conversation is dead. the family unit is falling apart!!!
Hitchcock: Vanishing Room, i just stole that title...

at the sports con.
Jerry West in the grill room with Will Smith: i wasn't The Logo, the NBA logo, i was a dabbler in shadowplay, a practitioner of the penumbra, i practiced the dark arts, brought them out into the light.
Dock Ellis: i am a Hero of the Counterculture, i pitched a no-hitter while under the influence of LSD.
Jen R: talk about acid action!!! you finally made baseball interesting!!! i mean this is legendary stuff.
Dock Ellis: my voice started to sound like Alan Watts. Richard Nixon was behind the plate as the catcher...
me: as he should!!! where he belongs!!! get a couple whizzers blow by his head.
Dock: ...and i was pitching to Jimi Hendrix holding his purple guitar for a bat. that's the key to a no-no, you pitch each ball like you have no fucking idea what you're doing, throws the batters off.
Tim Kurkjian doing acid: ... 

me: hey, can i get one of those FUCK FACE bats?
Jen R: was that a Garbage Pail Kids thing?
me: no, sadly that was a baseball-card thing...

at the movie theatre, i'm dancing around the lobby in a muumuu.
Jen R: i like guys with long hair.
me: i could never achieve long hair, my hair was always short and frizzy. when it rained i went bald.
Jen: there's something about the lobby of a movie theatre, you know? there's this welling of excitement in the air, fairy froth, the anticipation of the possibility of watching a work of art which will change your life forever. whether it's Ernest Saves Christmas or The Joy Luck Club.
Takahashi: it's impossible to NOT CRY at the end of The Joy Luck Club.

Jen R: don't you even try to compete with THIS BUTTER, Orville Redenbacher. fresh popcorn my fairy-fond ass. but why are all the candy stalls empty?
bellhop: don't know. it's a mystery. they must be grown elsewhere. but there's a packet of Skittles under your foot.
Jen: the one day i wear heels instead of going barefoot. Skittles get me skittish.
me: yeah, i can't eat the sour ones anymore, they WRECK my teeth to the point no dental work can reverse the damage.

bellhop: in case you haven't noticed yet i am not a human bellhop. i'm also not a bellboy nor a boy. i'm the capuchin monkey Curious George.
Jen R: what up, CG.
Curious George: yeah i HATE this bellhop uniform they make me wear, i want to tear it to shreds!!! but anyways.
Jen: you don't ever have to feel the need to feel humiliated with me.
Curious George: so, Sausalito cookies.
me: i know, right? there are only EIGHT cookies in those giant puffed-up Pepperidge Farm packets!!!
Jen: and those 8 cookies are THIN AS FUCK. 
Curious George: yeah what i like to do is pile the 8 cookies into one pile to form one real cookie.

me: hey this Safeway redeem ticket for $3.50, the new cashier took it and gave it back to me. does this mean i can get another $3.50 free?
Curious George: should be okay. damn goth girls.

William Shakespeare: hey, you out there, you don't need to wear Elizabethan puff-pastry pads on your shoulders. and egg-holder pants for the men. you don't need to wear weird dainty clothes to play cricket, okay?

singing telegram: just not anything off the Leonard 6 soundtrack.
Bill Cosby: because it's jazz, it's hip-hop, it's Hamilton rapping.

Macron: making a snap decision seldom is the wise move. i just hope everything works out. we can't do this AFTER the Olympics? the Olympics are gonna be messy now...
Rishi Sunak: can i call off the election now?

Tom Snyder: fire up a colortini and watch the pictures as they fly through the air. don't you love how that's just my made-up thing? hey, do they sell Tropical Skittles at 7-Eleven at 2AM in the morning? Tropical Skittles not Sour Skittles, not that sour shit, i had to send my dental bills this month to Letterman. i had the best laugh. my laugh was a GRAND CHORTLE where i really used the back of my throat.

lead singer of Toto: high adventure. high, get it? high from the Gummiberry Juice. HIGH even though we're in the MIDDLE Ages.

Freddie Prinze: i was born to play Cantinflas in the movie...

Daft Punk: our comeback album will be first-performed in the Sphere in Vegas...

Daft Punk: there would be no Sphere in Las Vegas were it not for the two-man band Daft Punk. we did that Super Bowl one year that was so good you forgot it.

Julie Patzwald: i'm goth before the makeup...
John McEnroe wearing Lancome makeup: ...

Gavin Newsom: you gotta pay A LOT of taxes in California.
California: but it's worth it, it's Cali.

Luke Russert: they called my dad Tim Russert Big Papa Teddybear over at Meet the Press. we called him that in our family, too. 
Carlitos Alcaraz: and i'm Tiny Papa Teddybear.
Tim Russert: the world wanted to give me a bear hug.
dad: Tim Russert and i come from the same bear cave in Buffalo...

Joey Chestnut: i'm switching to vegan, i'm FINALLY doing something with my life...
Takeru Kobayashi: i can reconnect your number again.
Joey Chestnut: you thought this day would never come. you thought you'd hate me for the rest of your life.

Roger Federer at Dartmouth: Princeton? never heard of it. you gotta let the point you lost on the tennis court GO, so you focus on the NEXT POINT. except that one lucky shot Djokovic hit against me at the U.S. Open, that shot was ridiculous. live in the present moment or you'll end up a bum like Alexander Zverev.
Carlos Alcaraz wearing a mortarboard and small robe with tiny tassel: there is no more adorable tennis player than Roger Federer...

Peabo Bryson: the "Beauty and the Beast" theme song can make a track athlete falsely accused of doping carry on and come in first in life.
Butch Reynolds: run through the tape. whatever you do, run through the motherfucking tape...

Harlan Ellison: that Dick Tracy movie with Warren Beatty TOTALLY COPIED the Twilight Zone episode i wrote "Crazy as a Soup Sandwich..."

Suzy Lu: now that i think twice about it, i should have worn the Pride sweater, not the Bride sweater...
Kakashi: my mask is one of Suzy Lu's jumpers...

at the lobby, we're waiting for the 1:17 showing.
Jen R: hey, can i borrow some of your milk?
Curious George: that's a loaded question, are we still talking movie snacks?
Jen: the path has dried up like my swollen feet.
Curious George: take a look again at the hotel you two are staying at. notice anything about it?.........
Jen: .........
Curious George: .........well for starters it's called the Curious Hotel.........