Monday, December 30, 2019


still not exactly sure what's going on in that cover, but it makes me uncomfortable. people folk and mystics in unnatural funky shapes as they commune to contemplate death. it doesn't sit quite right, it's not settled, it's like Romeo and Juliet but raw and real...

1. in 2019 did you
a) get a new job
b) get a new haircut
c) get a new car
d) move
e) get a new romantic partner
f) have a kid
g) take up a new hobby

a) i REALLY need to be Regional Sales Manager at a mattress store
b) Croydon facelift. i thought it was an actual facelift thus i wouldn't have the money. i pestered Dr. Zewert to do me for free but was escorted out by the Donut King regional manager...
c) flying car. but it got towed tho. do you know how hard it is to parallel-park a car that's flying?
d) no, but a guy on the bus called me a bitch...
e) this year i was hiring business partners. they thought it was for a business but it was to get busy. it was for them to give me "the business"
f) i'm a kid. i had me. only call someone Kid if they're good at pool. you know people who are named Junior, deep down they're thinking, come on, you couldn't give me my own name!?
g) hobby sounds quaint in this day and age, you know? like a hobby is something you did in the '80s, just you in your red argyle sweater with a toothpaste-tube of glue, putting thin-wooden model-airplane kits together. when i think of hobby i think of me in the '80s barefoot on the shag carpeting of my local woodland library putting away my shoes in the cubby-hole as i settle in for 3 hours of Judy Blume making a teenager cake before my mom picks me up

2. in 2020, will you...
a) get a new job
b) get a new car
c) take a risk

let me just say outfront that truly seriously without trying to be funny it's a miracle that i am still alive. typing this to you right now.

take a risk? being alive is a risk, fundamentally that is a choice, too. do you go for that big promotion or sweep that woman off her feet even tho she's married cos she's your soul mate. me? i like to remain safe in my cubby-hole at the library. where i tend to my potted cactus-plants who talk like Gonger from Sesame Street.

BONUS: what will be important to you in 2020 that wasn't important to you in 2019?

my tongue is slowly getting used to paper straws...


when next we speak, i shall be a man of the future!...i got a time machine...

Friday, December 27, 2019



* good news: Law & Order: Mothership is coming back.
bad news: it's gonna be called Law & Order: Coffee Cops.

* it WAS gonna be called Coffee In Cars With Cops...

* Seinfeld: so...…...this is gonna be a controversial episode...
Kramer: i know, i hate coffee! yuck!

* Humphrey Bogart in the cop car smoking a cigarette: you boys have it easy. in my day...
cops: yeah yeah. so what you say, old timer.
Bogart: clam up, Lethal Weapon, and listen to your elders. the skell you fingered isn't the skell, his dope was in a dimebag, our dope is worth at least $18.50!
cops: 1850 was when Folgers was founded.
Bogart: no it was not i was there! 1850 was when I was born!!! i know, i look DAMN GOOD for my age, that's how i bagged all the dames.

* cop: la di da! what do we have here!
Bogart: a mug in a bag. trying to keep your coffee hot? just blow...…...on it.

* mayor having an affair: let go of my hand on the phone!
mistress: you calling my husband? the governor?
mayor: i'm calling Domino's pizza. ironically, you can't order a Brooklyn crust in New York City.

* lu: somebody's mom, grandmom, sister...
rookie: i'm can see the tear on my cheek like an Indian...cos i have to pee...drank too much coffee.
cop: nah, no grandmas, grandmas are for tea, tea makes people live longer...

* Hillary Clinton: i knew i shouldn't have moved to New York! how much fucking bad luck can one woman have!!! it's just coffee!!!

* surveillance: hello, what do we have here?
cop: rear window, as in a man's butt pressed against the glass.

* coffee meth lab woman: this is making me hot.
coffee meth lab man: hot like coffee.
coffee meth lab woman: you got the filters? i want to fuck but not have a kid with you.

* cop with mullet: can i ride shotgun, sir? wait, is that Versace? you know, let's just leave well enough alone...

* Amber Heard: i heard the news today oh boy...
cops are bewildered.
Amber makes a break for it...and runs to rehab...but after seeing Johnny Depp in there she gets the hell out of rehab.
cop: are you okay, miss?
Amber: sure.
cop: you have a silver collar around your neck connected to a heavy chain. are you fleeing from your captors?
Amber: i'm okay. just into the kinky stuff.

* Dr. Drew: can i see your purse?
Amber: oh, now i get it. you're a sniffer.
Dr. Drew takes out a mug from the purse.
Dr. Drew: this was my Christmas gift from you to me and you know it. you know coffee is more addictive than opiates.
Amber: *nodding off* what? i wasn't paying attention, i need something to keep me awake so i can retain what you're saying.

* professor: what am i, a professor of explanations?
cop: better than being a professor of pop culture. explain me this: are you fucking your students?
professor: of course i'm fucking my students, i'm a professor, what other reason is there to be a professor, it's not like you can take all that knowledge with you when you die...

* cop: how did you attain your esteemed position?
professor: i fucked my way to the top. i've fucked every Ivy League professor in the country.

* cop: sir, we're gonna have to take you in.
Giuliani: but i'm the head of this department. don't worry, i'll investigate myself when i get home.

* over the police scanner:
---we got a jackrabbit.
---a hooker?
---no, a runner.

* cop: this guy sounds crazy, i can't make out his manifesto.
b cop: no, that's just a student trying to hammer out his final thesis at 4AM in the morning after having just that one extra cup of coffee too much in his dorm

* cop: coffeehead's here.
Cuphead is led away in handcuffs to his private wide cell.

* cop: haha! this is cut with Starbucks, it's not pure 1850!
Versace: hey, did you just point your tea-pinkie at me!!?

* cop: captain, we got a situation.
captain: what.
cop: the trunk of my car popped open without my permission.
captain: did you butt-dial the Lexus button keychain lucky-rabbit's-foot fob again?

* raid:
cop: get down on your knees!
cop: OMG, these glass carafes are so elegant! this Antiques Roadshow?
wife criminal: um, you're on the set of a steampunk movie we're filming.
cops: sorry about that. makes sense, your crushed-silk blouse is so East India Company!
husband criminal: we were toppers in school.

* cop: whoa! sorry, under the purple light you looked like Prince...

* Bogart: turn on the police radio.
radio: i'm Don Imus! reporting to you live from the Rutgers women's basketball game which just ended in a blowout, i'm their play-by-play announcer, not their color announcer. without me there's no Howard Stern! he copied everything from me! i mean would you even care about AM Radio but for me?...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i've officially run out of fast-food joints for the year...

...maybe i'll try that burger that looks like if a Big Mac was a chicken sandwich...

i am so tired. i'm going down, i'm going to bed at 8PM tonight. end of week, end of month, end of year, end of decade...

Wednesday, December 25, 2019


Eye Luggage: i feel wobbly.

Laertus: me, too.

Dirg: the country just made a permanent move to an indecisive divisive future. mark my words, we will be forever divided forever, there's no going back, it's a Cold Civil War. and there's no global warming enough to melt THESE icecaps.

Laertus: yes. even i feel it and i wanted it. also, cos the sex was pretty good.

Eye Luggage: *batting her eyelashes mockingly at Laertus* YOU'RE the pretty one.

Laertus: i mean there was that feeling in there like, are we really gonna do this? take this step? we're crossing the Rubicon here...

Rubikon: don't step in my neighborhood, honky.

President Bump: look, my hands are up, i come in peace. i haven't cum in ages, it's gonna be violent when i finally do. look, homeboys, i want no trouble, dig? just give me back my bitch and we'll call it a square day. this is what you wanted, right, man? a permanent 50/50 world! i LOVE 50/50! you can leave her in chains if you want, back turned...

Rubikon: it's now a race to 51 instead of a race to a hunna cos of you.

Tulsi Gabbard emerges from the sunset, no worse for wear, and walks gingerly to the shiny hairpiece.

Bump: why aren't you rubbing your wrists? i always have to do that after an encounter. Tulsi, here you go, here's your present.

Tulsi: thank you, sir, but i don't do this for the Christmas gifts.

Bump: it's from LUSH. see?, i listen to women when the woman's worth it. Tulsi, let me axe you a question: why aren't you a Republican? join our tribe, we're the Jewish tribe!

Tulsi: i love wearing all-white pantsuits on stage. i couldn't get away with that at a Repub debate, you're only allowed to wear black.

in Seaside, The Line carrying a stuffed brown paper bag is frantically searching for his errant ward:

Salvadorans: whoa, whoa, hombre, you can't bring that in here! who knows what's inside!

The Line: bro, orale, have you seen my guy? i need to find my guy before it's too late!

the Salvadoran biker gang is...…...full of 7 friendly and jolly motorcyclists who are only too happy to help out a lost soul, they know the business, they know what it means to be downtrodden, discarded, the forgotten farmer, relegated to ranch-hand. they are loud and rowdy at their bar tabletopped with ranch sauce---which is not ranch dressing---and native Crying Tongue sauce---as is their right, it is Christmas after all, and it follows in line with their tradition of disfrutar---and they helpfully and in clear concise English point out where they last saw him.

Salvadorans: past our Quantum Villa we saw him enter a strange complex. through the window.

The Line: yeah, that's his apartment, thanks. thank you. you know i wish my man had been Salvadoran, they have just the right balance of machismo and common sense. Rubi thinks he's hard but he also has many soft spots on his brain from all his stresses.

Eye gives Madame Pons a Christmas kiss without mistletoe, they haven't seen each other in a while, they have a student/sensei relationship they are keeping on the down-low:

Eye: cos we both have toes down there. how's the Treehouse?

Pons: i'm tending it for you guys. it's like Christmas vacation came early! it's nice and quiet over there, i can relax from all the holiday stress, i can hug the squirrels! i was bedridden for 3 days cos of holiday stress.

Dirg: 3 is a magic number for you witches.

Pons cries glitter tears.

Pons: don't worry, these are tears of joy. you know it just feels so good to be able to take the tub from work at LUSH over to my private bathroom at home-tree and live a day without having to pop two Vanquish an hour to get through it. my teeth were alternating in-pain and soothed. i thought i'd never know again what it's like to NOT have two white elongated pills in my mouth so much they looked like beaver teeth.

Dirg: but that tub is bolted on!

at the Dinosaur Bar-B-Cue, the biker gangs have migrated to Doryce's table, she just seems to attract trouble like flies to a flame:

Gladyce: more like flies to sticky sandpaper.

Doryce pounds her fist on the table tho she is playing solitaire with her playing-cards:

Doryce: i know how to deal with loud men! they won't disrupt our holiday together, dear! another round of hot custard for these fine gentlemen on this fine Christmas Day morning! i love that i can see all of your bulges. i mean your arm bulges. you each wear those cute one-size-too-small tiny little jean jackets with no shirt.

Gladyce: that jean jacket is a hero piece. a gay hero piece no less.

soon Doryce is on top of a mosh pit! the Salvadorans serenade her with a pre-dawn Salvadoran song not found in any church hymnal, found only on the waves of the road wind.

they cajole each other, hitting each others' muscles and knees, joking with each other telling inside jokes in Spanish loudly.

Gladyce: do you know what they're saying?

Doryce: no.

Gladyce: they love you, they treat you as one of them, or they wouldn't be carrying on like this like they normally do. they see something in you. they like your outside-the-box spirit.

Doryce: well my vagina is known as the ghost box.

Doryce: thanks, boys, thank you, fellas. i'd fuck each one of yous but i'm here with my bitch you understand. it's our special time. Feliz Navidad and arrivederci, amigos! bye-bye! in newspeak.

Doryce makes the Baby Shark but it's upright so it just looks like waving goodbye.

at the next table Rubikon is enjoying his meat pile so much his fingers and tongue are all greasy with ginger grease and wet and saliva-y.

Rubikon: eat up, son.

Jaden: i don't know, sir. are you sure this meat is safe? that girl had a hard time lugging these large ribs to our table.

Rubikon: if you don't eat it, it will eat you. and humanity will go extinct.

Jaden: might not be so bad. okay, here goes, chomp one!

Jada comes storming in like this were a biker bar, a saloon...which it kinda is, granted one that looks like a corner 7-Eleven.

Jada: *pointing at Jaden*: YOU ATE DINO FROM THE FLINTSTONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doryce: now, where were we?

Gladyce: you were kissing me with your sweetback.

Doryce: ah yes, my tongue.

they tongue-fuck out in the open at the restaurant.

the cute guapita Tijuana waitress girl with the gold hoop earrings so big her small frame could jump through them motions for Gladyce to come to the back of the kitchen with her.

waitress: andale, vieja.

Doryce: oh this is fun! i'll be the interpreter. she wants you to pick out your favorite spoon.

Gladyce slips a spoon out of her vagina ready on hand on call.

Doryce: oh that's right, that's your sweetback spoon, aye?

Gladyce: right. look at the craftsmanship on this all-black stirring spoon, i love it! it has such heft, it's so heavy to hold, it must be ten pounds, my frail fingers are struggling under the weight. but i hold it proudly and grandly, there's so much gravitas to this spoon! it can smooth out the roughest of edges.

waitress: stir this large vat of hot custard with your spoon before it gets clumpy.

Gladyce: *stirring and whistling* you know, dear, i love what they're doing with the mail these days. all the mail is delivered now with a rubber band around it. to keep it from spilling out into the snow. i love neat and tidy. you know the ribs they serve here? tied with a rubber band, that's how you know it's authentic. the ribs won't fall off until they're in your mouth. here.

Doryce: what do you want me to do with all these rubber bands?

Gladyce: don't give them to Pete Davidson...

at SNL:

Colin Jost: so you're indirectly saying you're going to rehab again?

Pete Davidson: yep. here, take my shoelaces. you can use them with Scarlett, in your bondage play. you've had a session, right? you have been up to her Sex Dungeon, right?

Colin: it's up, not down? um, yes, of course, sure, i have. look, it doesn't matter, missionary or goofy sex, it's still the same amount of cum. look, i can help you, my friend, you don't need expensive 100,000-dollar roommates. it's simple: you GOT to stop comparing yourself to me! you do well for yourself!

Pete: sure. i'm not built for this acting thing. this fame thing actually, i'm too slight to take the blows. i want to retire to the country as a young person, retire into the woods to pursue my real dream of being a forest ranger. as long as i'm putting out others' fires i'm okay and can manage. there is hope for me as long as it's someone else.

Tori Hanson, the Wind Ranger, stands atop the mountain putting her thumb in the wind, it's hard cos that thumb is gloved. but then Tori begins blowing her pipe:

Tori: it's hard for people this time of year. folk are struggling. the holidays are hell. and so for these two weeks instead of being the Blue Wind Ranger i'm gonna be the Beyond Blue Ranger. please, no more damn presents, just give to this charity.

Dirg: it's not fair, i mean how do we judge a man in full? or we only gonna remember him for his bad stuff? his faults, his foibles, his worst moment in life. a person is a balance of good side and bad side that is always imbalanced, always in flux for aeons. besides, it's just so sad, he could have waited this out. the next celebrity scandal would have hit and knocked him out of the spotlight. it's not 4 years, my brother, it's for life.

Teuila Blakely: Christmas is the worst! the worst one! Christmas Day is the worst day! why do we have Christmas Day!!? suicide must be talked about in polite society the way sex is. for the two weeks i will be setting up a domestic-abuse-and-violence shelter, just on the outskirts of Los Angeles, all are free to enter...

Demi Lovato is being walked across the street by a nice young man named Austin Wilson. her new boyfriend. he wears an Enfants Riches Deprimes shirt with the Menendez-brothers Meme on it.

Demi: *old lady voice* oh sonny! oh goody! i love this arrangement! usually it's the young one taking advantage of my old money! now it's the other way around! this proves i really love you! it's not just about that all old ladies turn into teenage girls...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Dirg: hey, does this podcast studio have storm windows? just checking. impact windows as it were?

Laertus: so how are we all on this fine Christmas Day? we have to work on Christmas? is it a Blue Green White or Gray Christmas for you so far?

Dirg: Blue Christmas, raining. is it good luck or bad luck for it to rain on Christmas?

Pete: depends if you're a forest ranger.

Dirg: Grey Christmas is overcast, no rain. Green Christmas is a cop-out, just means nothing.

Bump: KFC is open on Christmas…...jus' sayin'...

Eye: oh! well! we have TWO guests at the podcast today! charmed, gentlemen. i'm sure. honor. honors class. Terry Gilliam is sitting next to Bill Cosby right now.

Dirg shakes Cosby's hand.

Dirg: i don't wanna know where that's been, i don't want to know what you had to drink to escape, i just want your sweater, sir, your sweater is my Christmas sweater.

Terry: Black Panther is bullshit.

Cosby: right? what are they feeding these young kids, poundcake? btw, poundcake means something completely different in the slammer. and cuffing season is not the cuffing season i used to enjoy with the ladies.

Terry: THIS is how you want to fight whitey?

Laertus: sir, may i offer a humble criticism? i am but a lowly Laertus. your genius is unassailable, but maybe you had one too many mescalines?

Terry: tru. i want the good stuff, the black stuff, got any cocaine, Bill?

Cosby: i did Coke ads...…...once, a LONG time ago...

Eye: you don't want any of Cosby's drugs. why are you doing this, Bill?

Bill: i'm here, aren't i? i needed something to land me out of prison. gang warfare inside prison is stupid and useless, my enemy needed to be on the outside. when the prison riot hit, i had an excuse to leave, they all saw how tough i was and that i'd hold my own in a fight with Eddie Murphy. the prison guards wanted my autograph. ironically, i found that rude obscene comic at a plantation.

Laertus: that's Eddie Murphy's estate. you were in his tomato fields, he makes wine.

Prince: *blue, not purple* Eddie, don't become a Hollywood slave, it's not all it's cracked up to be!

Bill: right? you tell 'em, cracker.

Tyzik: oh just turn?...just how the Crusades and everything. i mean what a tragedy! that was the start of this whole divisiveness mess we're in now! why couldn't we all get along like they did back then? back then the Jews, Muslims, and Christians all came together---pun intended---to create art and music and culture and children so powerful because they had never been seen before! it was a hydra-headed heat, hedonism, and honor! that was art charged with the energy of THREE religions, man! more powerful than god! it was called The Ornament of the World. so apt for this time of year...

Eye: cheers. i'm not drinking, Christmas cheer. Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song and go.

Alex Trebek: a Final Jeopardy should be to spell the word badass of this film title correctly...

Laertus: that's Melvin Van Peebles and his son Mario. not Pebbles from that Flintstone Dark Ages world, that world with the purple dinosaur. a video-game character in a world of white...

Dirg: child porn? sorry, but i wasn't sold on this one, you're gonna have to convince me that this is all that.

Laertus: sure, exactly what i want to be doing on Christmas Day! convincing YOU. well, what do you need convincing on?

Dirg: i mean i realize this is the first blaxploitation film, it's historic in that sense, but as an actual film it's just not that good. the story is lacking, the film techniques are downright weird, the pacing is deliberately wacky, the music is shrill and earbud-piercing, and the message is muddled.

Laertus: how so?

Dirg: it's not strictly blaxploitation since he doesn't get shot and killed by the white racist cops in the end. hey, Ebert said this, not me.

Eye: oh yeah, the ending, that reminds me, as always, let's not discuss those poor dogs., moving on, talk about anything else but that.

Laertus: those poor dogs weren't racist, they didn't deserve that. they were trained to hate. sorry. well, let's start at the beginning...

Eye: let's. okay, each of you, when you first heard the term sweetback, what were you thinking?

Dirg: the penis is so girthy and large it goes to the very back of the woman's throat.

Laertus: it's a penis so big it's meant for a sweet back, a.k.a. a nice big butt, an ample ass, the tushiest of tush.

Eye: and kush. for me, the dick is so long it's a third leg, it straightens out his back, makes it stronger to stand on, it's a cock that tastes sweet in the mouth. that's how i pictured it. no need for pineapple or condoms, it's a tasty tangy large lolliop pure popsicle as is.

Dirg: i guess the folk in the '70s were REALLY cool to allow THAT!

Laertus: it's a tale of woe in the beginning, one of tragedy, one of having to survive young. the scars put on him at such a young age make him the anguishing lad of a man---tryna not be a mad man---he grows up to be. his childhood becomes as cold as the world, that's how he survives. and yet, these Los Angeles whores are his mothers, they take care of him, feed him. the brothel is his shelter.

Eye: gotta love the '40s. i was born in the wrong era.

Laertus: but you gotta love how this film was directing addressing The Man. imagine how a young black especially boy looks at this film, as empowerment, for the first time seeing a black man doing a black film addressing black concerns in the realest way possible, nothing whitewashed, wholly independent, telling it like it is. it gives the kid who thinks he is forever abandoned cos of his skin a reason to continue and fight and bask in that sunshiny day one day. overcome. Sweetback is his Superman, and Sweetback's powers only grow as his confidence grows, his prowess is but his first power.

Dirg: his legendary fucking ability with that thing has caught the townsfolk and is the stump on which all his powers stem.

Eye: and later, that woman from the whorehouse becomes a strange ally to him as an adult.

Dirg: beggars can't be choosers. it's mean on those streets, your friend is the one next to you. what's with Sweetback's look throughout the film? it's like he's shellshocked. tho i love that porn stache.

Laertus: it's symbolic of being colonialized. he's in the bottom rung of society trying to claw his way up, he has nothing to say, he has blank eyes, cos he's regarded as nothing with nothing of value to say, he's trying to become somebody. somebody strong and powerful.

Laertus: that's one way to have cuffing season and get back at the man! actually turn around the cuffs on you and make them into weapons you can use on them! brass-knuckle cuffs!

Eye: okay that one scene where the white captain is addressing the squad and uses the n-word in front of the two black officers. i was holding my finger up during that scene, i was gonna bring it up if that hadn't been addressed. but then the captain tries to apologize for using that word to them, he didn't mean it THAT way of course, just a way to pep-talk the troops to stay aggressive.

Laertus: the police becomes the police emphasis on pol. that guy on the toilet, you knew he wasn't long for this world. i loved the priest at the drug rehab, he was very philosophical, very existential. he gives hope to the hopeless, that's his power, his prayer. he preaches that there's a better place that's not this foul Earth, an afterlife that all our black brothers and sisters can go to to be finally free, shed the steel shackles, and to reunite with all their families so wrongly despised by this life. the priest doesn't really believe in this heaven, but it's his job to make people feel good.

Eye: i like the general sentiment of if the system's rigged, why is it the black man still gets shafted, pun intended. he gets the dime to the white man's quarter of corruption.

Eye: okay my favorite part is the Orange Julius.

Laertus; right? yep, nothing beats '70s Orange Julius! that's as funky a frothy drink as there ever was!

Eye: turns out the '70s Orange Julius logo is a devil! that was definitely scrubbed and cleaned up for the child-friendly '80s, i never noticed that devil in any mall my mom went to with Polaroids.

Laertus: and think about Earth Wind & Fire, they were an unknown band living on a ratty couch downtown in an apartment, this film was their first break. now THAT's a find! imagine having the Black Beatles living in your garage and nobody knows who they were.

Bill Cosby: without me this film wouldn't have been made. that band are STILL due that money!

Laertus: in this world, sex is currency. you don't need money in your pocket, just a penis in your pocket. i mean the leader of the Hells Angels biker gang---good for her for being a woman---basically forgives all and lets him in the gang in exchange for fucking her.

Dirg: yes, but why does the fucking have to be public? it's almost like if you don't have sex in front of the group, it doesn't count.

Eye: proof. plus some people just like to watch, getting your money's worth.

Dirg: John Amos always saves the day, always do it for the children. i don't want to make a big deal out of this, but that motorcycle helmet was a half of a watermelon husk...

Dirg: so the filmcraft itself, let's discuss. i was sick of that song by the time the film was over. over and over and over, it was so cacophonous. what was with all the strange tape loops and step-printing and rackfocus and sudden FF/Rewind tapemasking and dubbing and jump cuts and extreme editing? and that chorus ringing in my ear, i heard voices in my head, not my usual schizo ones.

Laertus: it represents this man's struggle, the craziness of his world, the insanity of being hated for being born a certain way. the n nightmare as it were. that refrain stuck in my head...and stayed there implanted. and the music was strangely soothing, had a good funked-out jazzy running beat, very '70s Sesame Street. you almost expected Gordon Robinson to come out and teach us the ABCs of urban life.

Cosby: that Mr. Robinson from the Neighborhood is dead. they either dead or in jail, gone the way of Mr. Hooper.

Laertus: his shouting to himself was his inner monologue shouting back, motivating him to escape. those city voices singing from the bottom well to the top roots were a Greek Chorus! urging him on! leading us out of the darkness past the railroad tracks. you gotta admit it was smart of him to pee on his chest wound to disinfect it, boxers, take note. you appreciate this film now?

Dirg: sure. it's like if Black Panther were real...

Laertus: that's why this was a recruiting tool for the real Black Panthers, they saw the power in this. white America was terrified of "militant" blacks who would one day reclaim their self-identity. you can only beat a man so much till he turns his head, tired of being down.

Eye gets ready to leave and puts on a whole seal on her shoulder. the seal gives her a wet whiskered kiss on the nose.

Eye: this film inspired me. you know, if you're in a rut, try something different. think differently about things. 2020 is the perfect time as the new decade dawns to see things clearly: i'm thinking shed all your friends in the last 10 years and start over with a brand new batch of friends!

Dirg: what about us? why aren't we spending Christmas with our families?

Eye: WE are our family. for worse or worse. we're all we got day in and day out. don't expect me to have a group hug here.

Dirg: perish. the thought. but you two hug in the soundproof booth......there, that's it! that's really driving up the ratings on our little podcast let me tell ya. the people are curious! well, g'night and Merry Christmas, folks, yeah i said it.

The Line: *banging the door* you there, blood?

Rubikon is on the phone pointing his long finger up:

Rubikon: yeah that's right, i ain't scared, you can print me on that! it's common sense, Pelosi should withhold the Articles of Impeachment FOREVER! therefore he's always known as an impeached president, he'll never get that exoneration of a rammed acquittal he so covets on the stump.

Rubikon: whatchu want.

The Line: welfare check.

Rubikon: that better be an actual paper welfare check i can cash!

The Line: i got your Christmas present!

The Line takes out the goods from his big brown paper bag.

Rubikon: come in through the! this is...?

The Line: i see your present face. these are the black hoodies you always wanted! you've been clamoring for them ever since you took your first walking steps at the YMCA shelter where i fed you Saturday breakfast cereal. what's the matter, tough guy, scared of wearing this hoodie at night with your favorite, Obama? Obama's face on the front and big white letters spelling out OBAMA on the back...

Rubikon: no, it's says on the label tag, these hoodies are for women-only!...

Friday, December 20, 2019



* narrated by the Shivering Truth narrator...

* that's how you say "panties" in Wisconsin

* Willem Dafoe is the greatest thing to ever come out of Wisconsin...not counting all the milk and cheese...and Aaron Rodgers's porn stache...

* that screengrab looks like Battlestar Galactica in the Solid Gold '70s...

* i seriously want "When Panties Fly" taught in schools as a Homeric epic poem. like right after Longfellow and leg day

* the only one not sexy in that list was going to the bathroom

* why is man ashamed of looking inside panties before the washer? there were always coins in my unwashed panties

* not that Downey commercial with the dancing and hijinks and ahegao expressions. we need more Asian representation tho. Bowen Yang is doing a fabulous job!

* so we're treating panties like the making of wax crayons on Sesame Street. all panties come from...…...CARNIVALE IN RIO!!!

* see? the only good use for oil

* ever wonder where all those rubber bands used to bundle letters and packages together in the mail go afterwards? well they all go to your underwear, helping to make your own package stretchy and bulk.

* if this is true, why aren't zebra-print panties sexy? same principle applies. see, zebras are the weird cousin of the animal kingdom, they like Smiths and Portlandia, they don't like to fight unless it's over Pokémon or Frank Zappa cards. i always get the feeling that God really wanted zebras to have green mohawks...

* alpha males didn't wear animal skins to show status, they did it to keep their cocks from freezing into popsicles cos if that happened the whole societal structure is meaningless

* the Chinese were smart, they used all their leftover tea doilies to make their undergarments

* the Chinese once prized small feet. but then the geishas and ballerinas revolted, so they prized small hands. that was agreeable, you just needed to push the red button...

* that's not a bidet! not a protruding pregnancy test! that's a camera in that toilet!

* robots will never be as creative as Bjork

* you don't need to use a mannequin's hand, you can use your own hand, no one will know who you are

* so many atomic wedgies wasted, we could have used them to solve our energy crisis by now

* strum it like a guitar. create art that rivals Duct Banana. well let's be honest you're really working out your thigh gap. don't be stupid with that, make sure the mannequin is the one holding the weight. or you could just sketch bridge blueprints...

* panties could be sold wthout mannequins, display them like a Bart Simpson slingshot. stores won't let you try on panties cos there could be excrement, you have to go to the bathroom first, on the third floor. also, guy, cut off that ponytail, that could be the problem, too.

* honestly, you look more ridiculous in a thong than you would a panty line

* but 19th turn of the century granny panties were HOT!!! all that fabric from the bloomers/one-piece body swimsuits, all that lace and bow string you have to undo to get to the thigh, all those buttons and clasps, by the time you unfastened everything and got there you had done work!

* more skin makes me nervous...

* and that Chinese folklore god was...…...Confucius...

* "came and went", wink wink

* what's with that cult with the nurse hats and the gas masks? i see them everywhere. some sort of World War II secret ballroom-dance thing. or is it 1917? it's in all the Nine Inch Nails and My Chemical Romance videos...

* no, BSDM stands for Blessed Saint Dominei Martyr, a religious organization

* never be afraid of a suds station, it leads to a studs station. everyone in the '70s met their life partner at a laundromat, they would exchange roller skates---revealing the location of the key---and the rest was history...

* i love that all the panties were being thrown at the all-girl band

* the only musician who keeps the panties is Keith Richards...

* a dumpster diver who looks like an exotic monkey?

* now i get it! the vagina is shaped like a champagne glass!

* hey, the Colosseum would be appealing if that Titan hadn't decided to take a big bite out of it, now it looks like a giant Dortio chip or half-eaten waffle cone

*  what we're saying is: NO amount of diet and exercise can overcome gravity.

* "hey, why are you drawing a red Satanic star on my cheek?"

* these plastic surgeons were once butchers...

* buy candy panties to squeeze out the middle man. all of this excess sugar has led to the return of sugar nips...

* woman=champagne glass, man=box

* there's a blue tax on male panties cos male panties are kinky

* Marie Kondo: hey don't blame me, corn dogs are an American thing, not a Japanese thing. my clients---all men---stick corn dogs in their panties anyway.

* the average American woman can play Jamaican drums. the average British man? tis but a small keyboard.

* how do you throw away a trash can?

* perverts are females, too. perverts will save the planet! they will win the world! all the watching of that anime about panties paid off! in 100 years, the only humans left roaming the Earth will be perverts!

* preservationist comes from the base word pervert

* Amish: we don't follow mainstream values, therefore, we're sex freaks, since mainstream Americans mostly engage in missionary.


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Garlic Bulbs Pizza from Pizza Hut, cos you don't want vampires roaming around this holy time of year!

may your Yule be Dr. Steve Brule. i'm predicting an Eddie Murphy ice ending! and then when Eddie falls through the ice on a huge fossilized crack they discover John Belushi and Chris Farley were under that ice the whole time preserved and alive!!!...

Monday, December 16, 2019


1. have you ever kissed someone under mistletoe?

yes. i was working late in the lab, doing "seasonal" holiday hours which just means you work long hours during the holidays and it sucks. then she came in, a vision in yellow!, and Amazon-position-sexed me so hard i went blind, that's why i need glasses. and that's why she's a Power Ranger.

that's how it should have gone down, when Scrozzle trapped the Rangers into ornament balls on that Christmas tree. but alas, no kiss, even tho it's Nickelodeon and not Disney...

2. eggnog or hot chocolate?

i can't have nog anymore after Nog from Deep Space Nine died. in memory of Mr. Roper whenever i get offered hot chocolate i tell the person,

"hey, can you make it stronger? i'm feeling like a strong drink today, can you convert that chocolate into cocoa? you know what to do..."

3. colored or white lights on a Christmas tree?

come on, let's come together this Christmas, we have to, we NEED to, or we'll be divided forever. whatever you do, don't use the blinking lights, the cats will go crazy...

4. real or fake Christmas Tree?

i love the scent of pine in the morning. i love it under my bed sheets first thing in the morning, in my nose, overpowering my den, and in my cocoa. whenever i smell pine i think about how long it's been since Gravity Falls was canceled...

but alas, no more. i have cats now so it's gonna be plastic pines from now on. sometimes i fart in my den and it's so strong my cats cover their little wet Triforce noses with their paws. but you know, it just isn't the same...

5. what tops your Christmas tree?

my cat. me. my grandma sleeping.

6. candy canes: yuck or yum?

just don't get the chocolate ones...

7. what is your favorite holiday dessert?

Reese's chocolate trees. it doesn't make a lick of sense, right? but it's festive. they are simply Reese's peanut-butter-cups shaped like a Christmas tree, but they taste DIFFERENT somehow, BETTER. it's a unique taste, a holiday texture on my tongue, feels good in my mouth, it tastes just right for the time, they just...…...TASTE LIKE CHRISTMAS!!!

BONUS: are you going on holiday during the December holiday season? where?

i'm a bear. as in i'm hibernating in my cave this entire month until all the parties and end-of-year things are over so i can pop my snow-covered head back out, see Thumper, and know it's safe again to come out...


Friday, December 13, 2019



* i'll still holding out hope for the flying cars. *fingers-crossed emoji, they finally did the fingers-crossed emoji...*

* back when being a Drifter was a good thing

* the old GE Building, viciously mocked by Michael O'Donoghue in the '80s...

* hello. i'm an expat. my name used to be Patrick.

* Facebook group: hello, dad.
dad: whoa, i thought Facebook was evil.

* dad: what are you doing, daughter?
daughter: i'm a modern kid, i'm practicing my mini-finger-violin whilst coloring your adult coloring book whilst watching a very rare Chinese anime...

* dad: so pecans, vanilla, and maple syrup...
Facebook group: sex thing?
dad: no, i want to make a pecan pie.
Facebook Group: but pecan pie is disgusting.

* FG: check the market at the corner.
dad: every market is at the corner.
FG: i'll be the Asian man with the long black hair.
dad: come on, dude, these are cyberpunk times, everyone has the Trent Reznor hair. how many miles is it?
FG: don't worry, the subway train flies...

* daughter: daddy, why don't you look like me?
dad: not now, honey, we gotta do this pecan pie thing.

* daughter: in the future, there is only one car: the Fooly Cooly scooter.
dad: what the fuck. *wags fist* Sunday driver!
daughter: there are no more days. didn't you see Midnight Cowboy, dad? even I saw Midnight Cowboy, it won the Oscar on Jeopardy!!!

* dad: what these vanilla beans smell like to you?
daughter: white christmas. since all of our days are sunless now. don't stick them up my nose.

* dad: no sir, sir, don't stick your hand in your pants, i don't want to fight, i'm looking for pecan nuts.
daughter: oooh, look how colorful the paint station is!
store clerk's wife: Jean-Claude Van Damme, whatever happened to him? he was so KUH-YUTE!

* dad: hey! you're that guy from the fashion commercial!
baldy: thank you! everyone thinks i'm a monk or Aang.
daughter: can i have your cat?

* at the cornershop:
dad: brimful of asha?
clerk: not cool, dude. what are the origins of a one-hit wonder? we're like 7-Eleven but we don't sell skin mags anymore. still got the hot white fluorescent lighting tho. and plaid shirts and backwards ball caps.

* dad: Jiri's shop...whoa! Jere Burns! where the fuck have you been, partner!?
Jere: hey who pays the electric bill for all this neon lighting?
dad: Bernie. Bernie Burns.

* dad: what time is it? we're late!
daughter: there is no time. there is only The Eternal Moment of Now.
dad: cute, dear, but did mom say 7 AM or PM?
daughter: 7 CM.

* old man: hold your horses, whippersnapper.
daughter: horseracing is immoral.
old man: my last bottle of maple syrup.
daughter: why does it taste like polish for your shoes?
old man: shame what happened to Canada after the Trudeau years...

* dad: *running upstairs at the metro* got the BART ticket!!?
daughter: nope. the Simpsons already did it. i'll just jump the gate like all we postmillennials do.

* daughter: can we make pancakes!!?
dad: no.
daughter: damn.
daughter: happy birthday, mom!
wife: but this is pie, not cake.
daughter: i knew i should've got candles. but candles are outlawed. except neon candles.
wife: thank you, honey. and vanilla-honey. but remember, we talked about that thing about Time when it came to women...
dad kisses wife.
wife: you know, babe, in this neon light, i never noticed this but you look like a young Jere Burns! so how do you like the family Christmas present! notice anything about our front door?
dad and daughter: Cosby Show!
wife: damn right. i pay taxes. our apartment is straight-up Working Girl from the outside drone view.
wife: oh god, this pie is disgusting! nuh uh, no pecan, i like apple, Dutch apple.
daughter: now i get it.


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: speaking of pie, no there's no Holiday Pie at McDonald's this year---doing the clever-marketing-campaign McRib-style where you starve the customers for 5 years so they can't wait to have that rare item again---so i guess i'll have to get that new BBQ McBurger. at least make the bacon sugar bacon for the festive holiday season...

Wednesday, December 11, 2019


Pelosi: don't mess with me! i'm Catholic, i hate no one. the only people i hate are bait reporters.

The Pope: is it just me or is Nancy hot. like really hot for her age. those gilf tits held up well, tits go through the ringer in San Francisco, take it from me, i've been there.

President Bump: i believe you. no fair, Nancy! what's with the gilf gills? what's with your turkey neck? Thanksgiving was over years ago!

Mueller: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!? i mean i waste two years of my life doing this damn report---missing birthday parties, MY birthday party, birthday parties in December cos no one attends those---all so you can NOT USE IT!!!

Turley: *on Nunes's public payphone* Bob, just answer me this one question and i'll leave you alone forever i swear. am i handsome? i am, right? i got that hair and those dreamy eyes...

Mueller: how'd you get this number?

Sylvester Stallone visits the Cream House:

Sly: you know why i'm here, Mr. President, and it's not for any more photoshoot photoshop posters. i'm here to pardon all the boxers i can...

Bump: i don't get it. how can Nancy have an in with God? i'm Codrus's son for fuck sake!!!

Codrus: see. it's that. not that i care, but you've never prayed to me once, my son. which is strange cos usually the dumb ones are my steady flock.

Rudy: i've brought out my secret weapon: a babe! when in doubt, when all else fails, trot out a babe and America gets flustered and distracted.

Bump: no fair! i want my babe! where the hell is everybody!!? the reason i imitate orgasm at my rallies is i really want Lisa Page to be my page and do that in front of me, it's been so long since i've heard those sounds for real in the Lincoln Bedroom. it's that Deep Pack thing, wish fulfillment, you say it out loud to put it out there in the universe...

The Pope: you gotta admit, it's hard to be mad at the woman when she's so hot. not madatcha. just thinking about that affair gets me bothered. as in hot and bothered. i'm all for adultery, it cuts down on the divorce rate.

Dirg: conceded.

Bump: what's the haps, Nigel?

Nigel Farage: i thought this was all fun and games. i thought i was Nigella Lawson foraging for blueberries with my teeth but turns out i'm Nigel Thornberry. i drank the milk like everyone else, thought it was a hot toddy. but i may end up being the single individual responsible for bringing about the end of civilization. i wonder, i inquire, does that make me a candidate for Time Person of the Year? remember, they were considering Hitler at one point...

Eye Luggage: that's the thing, folks, it's not fun and games. you have to always be mindful and compassionate. watch your words, there are lasting consequences. it's all fun and games for one day, one week, one news cycle, but you never see the trail of destruction left in your wake. Katie Hill considered self-harm...

Teuila Blakely: is that my cue? so, the Power Rangers finale...

Dirg: man what a letdown. gun and games would have been better. it was weird, all this time, all this buildup for the Snake Guy in the Grid Underground to finally rise up and materialize on Earth and spit fire down the gullet of Los Angeles, and none of that ever happens! you get no Bad Guy on Earth! no Venom Viper walking down the street slinking slithering S-patterning and essing like all the other snakes and eses in L.A.! what a nothingburger!

Teuila: my name literally translates as "Not". as in not today, Satan Snake. talk to my very famous hand. talk to the hand, young people still say that, right? not that i'm still cougaring.

Laertus: my prediction for the Christmas special: there's gonna be mistletoe and the blonde Yellow Ranger---i just got that now---and the lab geek---representing all of us---will kiss. if this was Nick At Nite---at least the Nick At Nite of the '90s---there would be tongue. and St. Nick would make an appearance bottomless for laughs cos of course he has property in Florida.

Kaep: speaking of game, consider the enormous pressure on the foot of a kicker. it's the kicker who determines EVERYTHING. after an hour of hard work by (remember the) titans and the last of the giants, the slight kicker's one action determines: whether coaches stay, players get traded, what level and quality of hot supermodel the quarterback gets, whether a team has built up a legacy so undeniable in this results-based world that they can cheat and nobody can do a damn thing about it. those 3 little points...

Eye: i'm gonna try out. i mean it seems easy enough, right? there is SO MUCH SPACE in that rectangle, it'd be impossible not to kick a small ball through! i think of it as a big tuning fork, a metal guitar, a witch wand in training...

Alex Trebek: speaking of game......okay, look., i don't give a damn, just make it less confusing, hold the Oscars IN THE SAME YEAR the films come out!!!

Llywarch: should i take this one or...?

Gaucelm: go head. imma head out

Llywarch: i mean the Justin thing. Timberlake this time, not Bieber. it's not official---nothing is official anymore---until it's done on Instagram. the wife wants an apology IN INSTAGRAM or it doesn't count!!!

Dirg: speaking of benchings, please tell me Cara and Ashley didn't break up! no, that destroys my fantasy! that Cara is deve-LEAN. Lean Pockets. i still will always be thinking they had at least ONE rump-romp session in the sex bench.

Eye: Ashley confirmed on Instagram that she's still in Cara. and into Cara. so there you have it, the truth.

Gaucelm: love isn't fake...
Dirg: bizarre, eh? Ashley Benson is no relation to Amber Benson yet the two could be sister-cousins.

the crones are at the Signature Room on the 95th with John Hughes. in Chicago:

Gladyce: oh dear! i'll catch my death up here! hold me, dear! i'm deathly afraid of heights!

Doryce: really? learn something new everyday. that's why relationships never get old. next time i'll let you swing from the chandeliers to conquer your fear. don't worry, lover, you can fly, remember!? use your broom.

John Hughes: um, so are we gonna order or what?

Doryce: sorry, John, you order for us. second thought, you pay all the bill. what's your reco? you're the tourguide around here.

John: well if we're talking Chicago we're talking pizza. deep dish. or something they make in a bucket.

Gladyce: you know i think my first starter will be the soup. this reminds me of the Lipton soup-in-a-box i always have. red box.

John: dick in a box? very festive for Christmas.

Gladyce: here's a life hack out of love: DON'T add FOUR cups of water like they say on the box.

Doryce: i'm so happy YOU can read fine print again.

Gladyce: four cups of soup is too much, that feeds four people, i had all that in one lunch, my tummy was bloated for a week, i didn't have a food baby, i had a drink baby.

Doryce: we shall have our own baby some day...

Gladyce: instead with the Noodle Mix---there's no more Chicken Noodle Mix anywhere left in the world---use THREE cups of water with the mix. much more manageable.

John: haha. tell us about your bags. no i don't mean you're bags, i mean the plastic bags you use, they were funnily large.

Gladyce: oh yes, well i got bags for everything as you know. except i got the industrial-sized insanely-big bags that are meant to hold like whole turkeys. so all the food looks ridiculously small in these bags.

Trent Reznor: i don't think you're ridiculous.

Gladyce: tell us about the old days, John.

John: well the parades, you know? they just weren't cool like the marching bands in Portlandia. a city needs a marching band---not just a high school---it brings the community together.

Doryce: and just need your signature here and here, John.

John: what did i just sign? hey can i stand up on one of your brooms?

Doryce: sorry, too high, insurance and all. with your weight!? see how terrible it is to always be called fat?...

John: but i'm already dead...can't you see how blue i am?

crones: we just thought you were really into blueberry pizza.

in Cecily Strong's apartment, she and Mikey Day are having rapturous sex, so hard and sloppy the bricks in the walls come loose from the heat melting the cement...

Cecily: fuck me like i'm a dumb blonde!

Mikey: fuck me like i'm Eddie Murphy!!!

they both collapse in a sea of cum.

Mikey: *sweating and reddily* this is a new day for me!

Cecily: you mean a new life. want some cereal and CNN?

they're finished, and the sheets are white. not from the whip cream.

Cecily: real cigarettes or the candy cigarettes? i wasn't sure so i got both.

Mikey: neither, thank you, i'm on a diet, i'm trying to cut back, i just drank a gallon of milk. i may lose my job but i fucked Cecily Strong so i win life. take that, mom and dad! and Lorne! this is why i became an actor! so...……why me? i'm the nerd of the cast, i get cast as the SNL dork in all the skits.

Cecily: *chewing on a cigarette* you remind me of my ex. like no offense, but you look EXACTLY like my ex. i go for the skinny boys.

Mikey: i am so nervous for Eddie Murphy. the Eddie Murphy show that is. that episode is gonna be the television event of the year! right at the end of the year there!

Cecily: yeah, but i wish Eddie came when it wasn't also the Christmas special. like i've always wondered how Betty White would have done if she hadn't done the Christmas show. like how is Betty White in no-holiday sketch comedy? how's her chops? let's see if she's really America's sweetheart then...

Betty White pops up from under the covers.

Betty White: bitch you jus' jealous of my ass. you hatin' on my hiney. take a look at a photo of me when i was a young starlet, stare at that butt of mine and weep, i was the original Kim K!!!

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how...oh yeah, Her. i mean can a man with a cool mustache like that really be considered a nerd?

Laertus: you can't fool us with the glasses, WE know what it's like to be real nerds!

Dirg: Joaquin's sporting the '70s porn stache!!!

Laertus: Into The Labyrinth...

Tyzik: yeah i only have one thing to say about that: it's just one big long slumber party. with the pillow fort. and the maze made of pillows. and the sheets. and it goes on WAY too long. you know how you reach that hour in the slumber party when things really slow down and you're itching and bored and can't wait to go to sleep so you can wake up the next morning and get the shit hell out of that strange house?...

Eye: toonami stuff?

Tyzik: i wish the Food Wars marathon was just that, a marathon. why have two premiere new episodes? the point of a marathon is to go to sleep at 11 like a normal person! new The Forge only at 11 just to force people to tune in to the marathon...

Dirg: dems the hook

Eye: Pink Flamingos and had no idea...i mean you hear stories about trailer parks but...either my mom or my lover will end up in one...

Laertus: before we start, can we talk about how John Waters did something even more brilliant? he did the kid's version of this film! yes, the KIDS' version of this film!!! i don't know how he did it, but he manages to pull it off!!! it's like one of those things that's impossible to do in art---it's too inconceivable incongruous and wild---so when he does it, it's...

Dirg: you're not about to knight John Waters a genius, are you?

Laertus: i'm finna sing "My Way" Sinatra-and-Blade-Runner-2049-style bout now. i DON'T want the planned sequel to Pink Flamingos now, Divine's dead, it would NEVER be the same without Divine, don't make this another Fox Live! Musical! the man with the thin mustache---John Waters Not Hughes---did it his way, he made the film he wanted to make---he knew this would be banned and spat upon and labeled trash and shown in one theatre in Australia and the trailer would contain no actual footage of the film and the damn thing would only get an uncensored DVD in Papua New Guinea. but he did it, the man DID IT.

Eye: he does accomplish. he revels in it being trash, he wants it to be trash, but in so doing he makes his statement. he is able to conjure up EXACTLY his script with all the words and emotions intact---there are benefits to low-budget filmmaking when you do EVERYTHING on a film---he says what he wanted to say with this film, no edits, and so he wins.

Dirg: can i just say---and i'm being honest---Divine can get it. seriously. she's---uh, he's---attractive. i dunno what it is, i think it's the makeup, those diamond eyes are like atomic vultures! rawr!

Eye: are you sure it isn't her brillopad hair or that fabulous ravishing-red Little Mermaid shell dress? take that, Little Mermaid Live!

Laertus: or Divine as Ursula, the avenging-angel angle works either way.

Laertus: it was Divine's general magnetism, his life was amazing. i wonder when you're a boy growing up on farmland and you dream about being a counterculture icon. dreaming that one day you'll be dubbed Divine by a strange man with a wacky heart. and Divine's poor mother, he made sure she didn't see him eating dog feces. he told his mother that was all movie magic to spare her heart. precious.

Eye: you know you think this film takes place in Alabama or something but it's Maryland. and the only magic comes from that gazing ball on the lawn. i mean when you think of Baltimore you think of Action Jackson!

Lamar Jackson: it's so easy. i can't believe nobody ever thought of it before! in the entire 100-year history of the NFL, NOBODY thought to have the quarterback both throw AND run!!?

Laertus: can we just say?: this film GOES THERE. it really GOES THERE. more than any Degrassi dream ever could lucid. it's as hardcore as it gets. let's talk about the critics...

Eye: so they say this film is perfect abject art.

Dirg: it's abjectionable...

Eye: it's the purest undistilled unalloyed example of the punk ethic.

Laertus: truly. no filter whatsoever, feelings are expressed as harshly and cruelly and honestly as can possibly be. we don't have punk music like this film anymore.

Dirg: that's why everyone loves porn, it's honest. btw, wasn't Mink Stole---otherwise known as Nightmare Janine Melnitz---a bigger star than Divine at the time? she helped usher Divine into the mainstream of which she was a part, underground. i dunno, i just like her tits.

Laertus: yeah i think i read that somewhere. obviously the tables switched after. the gun, not the switchblade. you know i love how John Waters has his own local repertory of actors who act in all his films, saves on auditions, and it proves loyalty, real non-Bump loyalty. the three of us should audition for the next Obec play, see if we have the stuff to do indie stuff...

Dirg: okay, when do we talk about the chicken scene? i mean there's choking the chicken but that was ridiculous. what sick people get off on this sort of thing? it was the first and only time in my life where i called PETA...

Laertus: agreed. abhorrent. i mean this is worse than Lars could ever conceive. this made me physically ill and made me a vegan on the spot, tho strangely it didn't get me off porn. i could still get off.


Laertus: notice how the only song they could use that cleared clearances was The Birthday Song. that was hilarious!

Dirg: notice in that same scene at the post office, that black dude is all bewildered. he's thinking to himself, what the fuck did i do to end up in this cracker-fantasy hot mess of a local documentary which will not air on PBS. it does have that grainy PBS feel to it tho.

Dirg: what is this?: a documentary, a movie, a film, a snuff film, a porn, or an experimental film?

Laertus: all of the above, porn as art. i mean from afar you could rightly label this a long porno. it has all the elements of a porno, it has that cheap-tape look to it, stock characters, and it's all done out in the wilderness and downtown. flashers with salami dongs, trying to suck your own dick and settling for licking your own balls, prolapsed anus like a rubberband jumprope, native dances, general redneck shenanigans, of course the burning of the trailer park, ritual Satanic Mass, laundromats i love laundromats, and those shooting murders near a tree as if trying to provide a modicum of catharsis for lynchings. revenge porn. swift justice meant to shock. no jury trial, life is cheap.

Eye: trying to heal the LGBT divide. transgender rights, normalizing people, integrating them into society. going to Boise! this film is rightly praised for giving a voice to it all, sorely-needed representation in the iconic persona of Divine, the divine superheroine for freedom and justice, for gays globewide. i have to agree Divine is fabulous in every way! most of all, she's strong.

Dirg: Divine was everyone's first drag queen. i can't say the dyed punks didn't deserve to die. i mean their priorities were WAY screwed up, who wants to be the filthiest? what is this, the Bump Era?

Eye: close, the Nixon Era. these were the Helter Skelter times, when the summers were too hot at night and long. as much as this film wants to be an exploitation film, i think it ends up being an experimental film, it becomes a classic---not just a cult-classic---almost in spite of itsef, it turns into a work of art. as John said later in an interview, "you know, my movie is about people. that's it. these are people i knew, grew up with, not all people are like you, that's what validates it, it's a simple honest portrayal of human beings."

Dirg: i just love John Waters's voice, it has that high-pitched don't-give-a-fuck holla to it. my headcanon is that his pencil mustache came from the pencil he used to pen Pink Flamingos. the pink flamingo lawn ornament later served as the inspiration for the Three's Company intro...

Eye: the mama who had a fixation on eggs was adorable! i wish my mom was like that! personality-wise i mean. i really wished she could have gotten back on her feet. like literally, get out of that crib! and start her own dot-com Eggbeaters business. whatever business that name entails. awww, i want Egg Mama to be happy with the love of her life, Mr. McFeely.

Dirg: get off welfare.

Laertus: gotta love the spooky furniture which comes to life and swallows you whole. at first you don't know if the film will really go there, but then you get to the baby-making dungeon. black-market babies, that doesn't sound right in any era.

Dirg: a mother giving her son fellatio isn't as shocking anymore, but it was then. then again, the porn of now claims to be incest but you know the actors aren't related. any last-minute Christmas gifts on your list? there's always poo in a shit, we might as well talk about it now...

Laertus: now THAT's committing to the script. will we three be as courageous when it's our turn to act?

Dirg: yeah but for all we know that was just chocolate. i mean the guns looked real, too. was that the first time in movie history a gun was pointed directly at the camera to the audience like that? breaking the fourth wall? i still wished that Hitler Girl would have made the cut. good night, folks.

Laertus: Eye and i have to take a shower...

Rubikon: man. folks. i mean, where are the Lightsaber emojis on Instagram? there should at least be a candy cane emoji by now.

Rubikon continues his online chat with Mickey Bump Jr. much to Jr's chagrin:

Rubikon: you like chocolate?

Mickey Jr: i don't know who you are, but when i find out, i'm gonna rain down the overwhelming might of The Coast Guard on your single ass!!!

Rubikon responds with a lightsaber and candy-cane emoji.

Mickey Jr: is that some sort of deep-state symbology? some Mr. Pickles Brian Griffin distraction ruse? i'll figure it out. and when i do......James Bond had his Q and i have mine!

Rubikon: you my precious kitty cat

Mickey Jr: i swear, say that to me one more time to my face, i'm closing my eyes in kneejerk pathological anger. just one more time...

Rubikon: you my precious kitty cat

it's late, Rubikon turns off his computer and heads out. to Domino's Pizza for some chocolate lava crunch cakes...

Monday, December 9, 2019


1. Christmas music is everywhere. it has been on the radio in my area since mid-November. if you had to listen to Christmas music from one artist---nonstop during December---who would be crooning those holiday tunes? MUST PICK. why? why?

a) Harry Connick. Jr.

b) Mariah Carey

i used to be one of those who hated Christmas music coming on, despised the season, cos i was a moody-blues why-me doomy teenager and this time of year only deepened my depression. but now, well, i kinda don't care anymore, it actually serves as a distraction.

i got a thing for Mariah Carey, she's hot, sexy, chaste, and a little crazy. i like how she says she can count her sexual partners on one hand. meanwhile Nick Cannon is currently helping Lindsay Lohan with her stuff. i want more of the zany Mariah when she went on Carson Daly, that version would be fun to hang with.

as Mariah always says, Christmas officially starts the day after Halloween. the first time i saw Mariah i thought she was a Christian artist cos i saw her with a grunge-plaid shirttail wrapped around her bellybutton as she frolicked in the field daisies. meanwhile Nick Cannon brought back All That, that was him, right? yeah, that show just isn't the same...

maybe Nick can help with that AGT mess. notice how Simon Cowell doesn't issue a statement, the first thing he does is lawyer up. Simon's been in Hollywood for some time now.

o, Mariah's voice on O Holy Night is literally out of this world! NOBODY can sang like this woman! you're waiting for that one O Holy Night high note, and Mariah knocks it out of the park in her Mariah-octave that only her tongue can reach!

meanwhile Harry Connick, Jr. he was a good match for Mariska on SVU. does he still have that talk show? i remember Mariska was his first guest on his show, cos he's like, i better get some recompense for doing SVU. SVU can't last forever, right? the writers MUST end it with Mariska finally happy. this is how it must go down to please everyone: Stabler comes back for the series finale to get down on one knee at Central Park to ask for Mariska's hand in marriage. then Mariska turns to the camera and says coyly, "i'll think about it". and that's how the show ends, this cliffhanger will please all fans.

2. in 2019, in the bedroom, were you mostly naughty or nice? in the bedroom, i was a church mouse. on the park bench tho...

3. in your next sexcapade, whom will you be joining and boning?

a) Mr and Mrs. Claus
b) Grinch
c) Frosty the Snowman
d) 4 of Santa's elves

a) i just want Brad and Angelina to get back together, they're OTP.
b) look, the Grinch just needed to get laid, that was his problem. take it from me, Grinch, living up atop a snowy mountain like a monk is not good for your psychological health.
c) i know the real reason Frosty melted. we had a simultaneous cumming and i exploded in my mind and he orgasmed so hard he literally exploded into droplets.
d) i know nobody buys wooden toys anymore, but when Gargamel saw the elf conveyor belt the other day and saw the entire manufacturing model was now sex toys, he immediately whistleblowered Santa...

4. do you celebrate any holidays in December?

if you look at the pagan holidays, it's a mixed bag. and blessing. on the one hand, this time of year is a bummer cos everything is about endings: the year ends, the season ends, the crop ends, the harvest ends, the moon plays under the fog, the trees have no leaves and will leave you, there's only enough sunlight to make one electric cider. on the other hand, this is the time for renewal and hope, it's the start of a new year. it's still fucking cold tho. i knew an 80-year-old man with a beard who every New Year's Party went naked with a tophat and the guests thought he was Mr. Monopoly. but he was the New Year's Baby. he told me it's hard being a nudist in winter...

i had this same friend tell me it sucked for him to have a birthday in December cos nobody came to his party, they were too busy partying. the only person who ever came to his birthday party was Santa...

5. how will you be spreading holiday cheer in 2019?

two words: plant butter

BONUS: what Netflix holiday movie do you recommend we watch?

the Mike Tyson Mysteries holiday special tonight real late!!!

and Baby Yoda, i interviewed Baby Yoda for my college chapbook, this is what he had to say:

Baby Yoda: i did the whole Baby Jesus thing first...