THE QUESTION IS, DO YOU STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE?: PEANUT BUTTER ON ONE SIDE

Jen R: let me do the talking.

we're at the Treehouse.

me: haven't seen these biddies in a New York minute.

Gladyce: i think you got that twisted.

Doryce: no old person has ever said the word twisted.

Jen: what can we help you with today, ladies?

Doryce: simple, i'm fucking fat. i need to lose weight before my date with the Cheese Man.

Gladyce: she means Frankie Muniz.

Doryce: look throughout this tree, i only eat one thing.

Jen, inspecting with a mouse's whiskers: so you have 100 jars of Native American peanut butter in the cupboards.

Gladyce: at least they're plastic jars, not those glass jars which ruined my bachelorette party.

Doryce: how can i lose weight? you wouldn't want me to starve now, would you?...

Gene Rayburn: come back, Edith Noble!!! i haven't felt this way about ANY OTHER CONTESTANT. i want to kiss your crooked teeth. your beauty haunts and makes me depressed. there's a mystery to you, i don't want to fuck you, i want to know you. i want to hug your secrets. i want to embrace your dark take on the world.

Edith Noble: tell you what, let me borrow your skinny mic and let's meet back at Benedict Canyon.

Richard Dawson: i've lived a blessed life. as an aside, Edith Noble just kissed me. i feel bad for the rest of you...

'80s TV movie: a home video on VHS starring Mary Tyler Moore...

headaches: your third eye trying to come out.

migraines: your fourth eye.

Jen R: can a cyclops have a third eye?

Rell from Krull: yes. that's how we won humanely...

Himalayan pink salt: it BURNS.

Rod Serling: back when i lived in upstate New York...

me: could you give me a quickle?

Leslie Sbrocco: your prayers worked, it wasn't just PBS you were saving through my tits, it was the world. put your pickle between my Emmy-winning tits...

Walker: Lucky has ONE of each obscure-flavor name-brand item...

Ms. Krause at the 8th Grade Flash Forward play: back in the olden days we stuffed our bras and pants with crumpled-up balls of wax paper...

Carmel: it ONLY rains in the morning...

LeVar Burton in Reading Rainbow: people will NEVER be as cool as they were in the '70s. people will never be cool again...

Taco Bell: wait, who the fuck wants to remember 2016?!!!

Michael Weiss on Instagram: no it's not creepy, i just want to get to know you better!!!

chai: Berkeley pumpkin spice latte.

Dyson's $500 toothbrush: the camera in your mouth will ONLY record the broccoli in your teeth...

Jen R: got it. get two slices of bread and make a peanut-butter sandwich with peanut butter on ONE side...