Monday, September 30, 2019


1. what strange areas of your body are ticklish?

so my Simulated-Reality Body has an itchy crotch. but me---my physical body in this reality, this timeline---i do not have an itchy crotch…...needless to say my Simulated-Reality Body gets more dates...

2. what is something you are interested in sexually, but only on a purely fantasy level? something that you think about but could never fully act on:

Smurfs. you know? there is nothing sadder than self-sabotage. i'd be ruining my childhood on my own myself.

3. if you could have a week of the best sex ever in human history buy you had to have a fish head as your head for the rest of your life after that week, would you do it?

well yeah i mean Charlie the Tuna fucked Jessica Simpson.

4. what do you consider taboo and have you ever ventured into this territory? was it a great good bad or horrific experience?

fucking in a graveyard cemetery. i know i know, it seems cool to do, especially on Halloween Night. but there really is something to that Rest In Peace part, you disturb that eternal rest and you're gonna need more than TheraFlu to get out of it. when you're actually fucking on a gravestone, trying to balance everything in your life, you may see things differently. if you can see anything at all. like when i did it i looked at the gravestone and there in letters was engraved:


5. what part of your body do you consider the most unusual that you enjoy being stimulated?

does anyone else instead of shaking hands with a stranger upon first meeting them kiss their knee? i'm not talking about their back-knee of course, that's too intimate, but just their front knee.

BONUS: if you could make a porn film/video with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Marie Osmond. it'd be the most loving wholesome sex-positive sweetness-and-light religious porn ever made. and Sasha Grey, cos that'd be like doing a linereading with De Niro......well '70s De Niro anyway...


Friday, September 27, 2019



* no not the Cosentyx commercial

* ah, "Time After Time", that music video makes me cry every makes me cry time after time...

* two cars parked on the edge of the public school just skirting the chainmail:
junk car: hi. Mr. Holland! are you working on a new Opus?
Buick: um, you're not supposed to see me! i have to stay a few steps behind your daughter at all times. please just take your tuba and go see the substitute.

* mom: excuse me, where's the school?
bellboy: Degrassi?
mom: fuck The New Class! Degrassi ended when it ended on Nickelodeon!

* bellboy: may i take your coat?
mom: how DARE you, young man! do you think i'm a milf? don't answer that question! where's my daughter! you're keeping her here against her will!
bellboy: no it's just you can't enter if you're five minutes late.
mom: have you heard of WORKING, son! this concert sucks anyway! wake me up when Rush gets on stage!

* mom: daughter, you are a musical savant! i love that you play the cello. it's just, you're developing muscles from carrying around that thing.
daughter: mom i thought you were progressive.
mom: it's cool it's cool it's just you can beat me up now, you know?
daughter: would you prefer it if i took up the violin?
mom: yes.
daughter: *pinkie* that'll be 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
mom: that better come wth tea!
daughter: spill the tea, sis.

* mom: how was school?
daughter: it was school.
mom: why are there spider cobwebs on all the school windows?
daughter: it's Halloween. and it's not Halloween. why are we in your junk Volvo in the middle of an instersection at 3AM at night overlooking a Los Angeles highway? i am freaked out by this, mom, i'd rather be home doing homework!
mom: i just had a craving for a donut, that's all. and some bail bonds.
daughter: mom, you're causing a scene. they're honking at you.
mom: i know i'm hot.

* realtor: so you will never be able to afford a house, apartment only till you die.
mom: i know. that's a cool blue binder you have there.
realtor: us women need to stick together.
mom: um, can i keep this blue book? i can still dream of cars, right?

* mom: take in the groceries, daughter.
daughter: you don't know my name, do you?
mom: your instrument doesn't count. only carrots and celery.

* mom: do you like Roger Rabbit?
daughter: no i swear!
mom: are you sure?
daughter: where'd you get that calendar?
mom: i have a friend named Brett.
daughter: Manhattan?
mom: that's some Watchmen shit.

* daughter: OMG. what is this? did i get in? no i mean what is this? a letter? what's that? they said i can go but i CAN'T WEAR MY PINK JEANS!!!???
mom: you show them, daughter. you be a rebel. you slither onto that campus your first day in PINK HAIR!!!...

* daughter: mom, i used the trash can today. the real trash can, not the little icon on my computer.
mom: why? i found something deeply disturbing in your room.
daughter: what?
mom: a Smashing Pumpkins poster, for their new 2019 tour. they haven't been good since Infinite Sadness. i found something deeply disturbing on your computer.
daughter: porn? which is our generation's sex ed.
mom: no, your acceptance letter! how DARE you! when were you gonna tell me?
daughter: we're poor mfs. i just figured i'd have to wait till Ivanka became President.
mom: *tears* i still have this car so you CAN afford to go.
daughter: *tears* thank you, mom. but what are you gonna do?
mom: i'm gonna walk everywhere from now on.
daughter: that's good, you fat.


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: the new pretzel bun from Burger King. i'm not celebrating, i'm not counting my chickens, that's why no Burger King breakfast sandwich with egg. i figure this could be a tribute. to that story i did on pretzels…

Wednesday, September 25, 2019


President Bump: i guess there won't be a 2020 Election. cos i already won it by default.

Joe Biden: this ensures i'm the Dem nominee...people will feel sorry for me by the end.

Bump: no, that's me.

President Bump enters the UN Hall to tepid applause. one of those not polite is Greta Thunberg who creeps on him from behind watching his every blustery bumble.

Bump: why are you scowling at me, little girl? what did i do to you? see, this is why i never had kids. they're all just a bunch of whiny sullen brats.

Greta: no, this is just my resting bitch face.

Bump: you know who the whistleblower is?

Pence: *scared, red, eyes darting left and right and left* uh......who?

Bump: Lauren Bacall.

Pence: phew. right. right, you little bitch i mean sir. that bitch was hot, sir.

Chrissy Teigen: get my name out yo mouth, you little bitch.

Pence: she's a hot bitch, too.

Bump tries to dance to the go-go music in the hall but he has two left feet and falls.

Laertus helps Dirg back up to his feet, Dirg falls again and Laertus has to drag him by the ankles Dirg's knees scraped with grass as they make it up the hill for Dirg to Indian-style-squat back down again to watch:

Thomas Middleditch is swinging Mollie Gates. on a swing on top of the hill. creating a ditch with her legs. Thomas holds the remote control.

Dirg: let go of me! i went to the hospital but i'm not sick!

Middleditch: see? i'm down-the-middle, ordinary, MOR.

Mollie: i'm the gateway...

Eye Luggage: that's hot.

Dirg: right? i mean the thing is they admit to swinging and he says the marriage BENEFITED from it. it SAVED the marriage. he is definitely my favorite Canadian now.

Laertus: hey.

Dirg: come on, you can't defend him just cos he's your guy, ya boy.

Laertus: i know, but this goes WAY BEYOND Canadian provincial politics. his is the ONLY liberal bastion left in the world, literal liberal, it must be protected no matter what! besides, are Canadian politics really that dirty? these are Canadians we're talking about here, happy hosers, everyone's nice. like New Yorkers.

Dirg: sure, never mind all that Da Vinci's Inquest stuff.

Laertus: i mean what are you supposed to do if you want to wear a costume honoring your hero? for me it's simple, i wear a cape......a Superman cape.

Ginger Kennedy: i'm in, the race i mean. i'm leading in the polls but it's early, that's pure name-recognition, i'm gonna have to work for this. i already got the Harry Potter vote nailed down, i'll just remain quiet when the subject of Ron Weasley comes up...

Dirg: aren't you just doing this to get closer to AOC?

Pence: that AOC bitch is hot. get the air conditioning up to the Cream House, it's hot!!!

Mike from The Bachelor Franchise kisses Demi Lovato's gloved hand on their Cinderella Coachella Pumpkin Coach date ahead of Halloween:

Mike: i can't believe it! ma, i made it! i mean isn't it the fact-case that the real celebrities never want to mix with the reality celebrities?

Demi: hey, i'm into mixing, i don't see race, i see your soul. who you calling fat? it's not cellulite, it's celluLIT.

Mike: don't culturally-appropriate, hon, it's not a good look on you. i know you want to impress me but you just can't get away with ANYTHING.

Eye Luggage bows.

Eye: your majesty! it's an honor and a mixed-race-privilege to have you here again at our humble podcast abode. some like me call it a castle. i'm sprinkling you with fairy dust, in my mind. i have such a huge crush on you but i won't let that interfere with my serious journalism.

Teuila Blakely: yeah well i figured. you know? i'm just lightskinned by the way. i mean Beast Morphers is such a godawful show they don't use the dirt from it to make our coffee, we have to make our own coffee ourselves from dying New Zealand volcanoes. i might as well be here on this solemn occasion.

Laertus: i am still shook over this, ma'am. i had no idea throughout the summer, to think i watched the entire World Cup blind not having a clue.

Dirg: told you not to watch that thing. the World Cup i mean. Mizz Teuila Blakely, you have a difficult name to produce.

Teuila: Pua was all of our brother.

Dirg: *hangdog* Seau Syndrome.

Teuila: uh, no. it's not a Maori thing, it's a human thing.

Eye: he looked like a rugby player, he was so strong and dark and handsome, he has all those muscles. i see what Shailene is thinking.

Dirg: Rugby World Cup? that's a thing? now you're just rubbing it in.

Teuila: it's not about the strength you show or exert or impart physically on the outside, it's what you're feeling inside, the disease doesn't know which body it's in, doesn't know if it's a famous frame.

Dirg: once you have kids you can't, you know? all i'm saying is if maybe you had comforted Pua the way you comforted that other bloke. in the jeep. a blowjob from a hot bitch can save a man. all i'm saying is a good blowjob has a funny way of chasing out a man's demons.

Teulia: i'm here to pass out the numbers, okay!?

Dirg: i've memorized every single suicide hotline number in the world. even the bottom of the world. as well as every just-plain hotline in the world...

Sally Martin comes down from the pinkclouds to the mountaintop where the podcast is being podcasted and lands her flying mud-motorbike on the apex.

Sally Martin: hi. i'm sad but i will talk. i have two first names.

Dirg: wasn't Under the Mountain filmed here!

Sally: under here.

Dirg: kids being kids.

Eye: oh, Sally, may i hug you? thanks. it's hard, you were his work wife.

Sally: i know. i loved him but hated his demons. now i find strength here with Teuila, we both have teamed up together to give it to the men once and for all! it's a Female Power Ranger's duty to deliver the business!

Laertus: hear hear, girls just want to have fun.

Dirg: and Finn. that's the last thing the Power Rangers Franchise needed: they had a real-life marriage, a conviction for murder using a porn star's samurai sword, and now this. it's complete. the circle, the orb, the chakram is complete.

Dirg: if you're a New Zealand actor slash actress, you've held two jobs and two jobs only in your career: you've been on Power Rangers and you've been on Shortland Street.

Laertus: New Zealand's ER. every country is required to have a medical drama. just like every country is required to have a show about a group of friends…

Dirg smiles.

Teuila: why is that strange dirty man-boy staring at me? yes, Shortland Street is only known for that penis episode but why am i suddenly the expert on penises?

Eye: brilliant way to end it, i love you!

Dirg: look, before you tell me to suddenly sod off, here's my card, my number's on the back if you ever need to talk. we could do a threeway line, i'm good with actresses. this is why religion is so important in life. if only Pua had prayed to Zordon before...

Jalen Ramsey: i'm sick. i'm sick out there on the field, i run, i pass, i block, and i drop-kick fools. release me from my contract.

Dirg: so you don't know where she is, right? you know on Instagram, the worse offense is when the girl has two first names. that's when you know, that's when you know.

Llywarch: take my advice, Dirg, rub your stone until it becomes red. or blue.

Gladyce: Dickshooter?

Doryce: what a lovely place to be inside in!

Gladyce: how was your leisure liner, dear?

Doryce: short on leisure and short on line, just want my people to shoot gay.

Gladyce: why are we here?

Doryce: to find a microwave for us, our old one is old. have you tried this? it's horrible. stick your nose at the corner of the microwave while it's cooking something, say, little mini hotdog sausage weinies. let the hot air waft into your nostrils. you will not be able to take the smell of wet garbage that emanates into your body and soul.

Gladyce: what are you tryna say about the length of my nose, dear? and my soul?

Madame Pons and Sue Su are traveling together trying not to Instagram the trip too much but the fans demand it. they land at The Vessel in NYC.

Madame Pons: yeah i don't know, hon, this location is so...Instagram! you know?

Sue Su: i know but i just couldn't bring myself to take a picture of me holding a bottle of my bathwater at the Harry Potter train station with the grocery cart half in the wall.

Pons stands at the first level-floor floor-level, looks up, then looks back down with concern in her eyes, and opens her video tab:

hi folks. just got in. this is wild. hear that sound? oh sorry, the video has no sound like all Yahoo videos. so apparently someone just jumped from the top floor here. see all the yellow tape? trying to get information out to you guys...seems like an egregious violation of this poor soul's privacy so i won't do that. wild. just wild, huh? makes you think. we all gotta come together at this crucial critical Cosmos time to form one Enlightenment, lift each other up. into the stars. we gotta do this together or we'll perish alone. it's not about following me, it's about joining us. i'll vid you next time. when we reach Colorado Springs, i'll show you every single fountain at the retreat. or spring as the locals call it, it'll be a fun little tour before we tackle the serious sex stuff. tantric therapy. healing sex.

Sue Su: *sly eye* oooooh now i get it.

Eye: what were we talking about last week?

Tyzik: oh just about Jon Cryer. the Demi thing, right?

Dirg: i know! why would you NOT admit to letting Demi take your virginity!? that's as awesome as it gets!

Eye: that's hot.

Laertus: that's the REAL nerd/babe hookup!

Laertus: at first i seriously thought Cryer was gonna say HE was the threesome that broke Demi and Ashton up!

Tyzik: if it floats, it burns. Bless The Harts: this cartoon is only being made in the Bump Era! this show would simply NEVER BE MADE otherwise!

Dirg: yep, just ask Mike Judge.

Eye: The Master, go.

Laertus: WOW! i thought they didn't make films like this anymore! i mean this is like those old '40s dramas except colorized. this is Casablanca colorized!

Dirg: this is Spinel colorized! not racist! nor recast! really should just call it The Antichrist. but Lars got there first. or The Cult Not The Band. or Celebrity Cult making it clear this isn't about our President.

Laertus: yeah, it's high time for that film about TMZ. couldn't be worse than the FIFA film.

Eye: when Joaquin walks out of the room, don't take it as a slight.

Dirg: why are you looking at me? why is everyone looking at me? he was preparing for Joker with that one-on-one with Philip Seymour Hoffman May Zordon Rest His Soul.

Laertus: poor bloke, it was such a stellar iconic performance, i wonder if he knew inside that he only had a short time left, he was leaving it all out there on the table, the card table, all his acting ooze wetting the screen. two tours de force, what happens when a handball and a brick wall collide? do they come together? Joaquin created his future, The Cause works!

Eye: does it have to be about Scientology tho? L Ron Hubbard just looks like my uncle. i tend to side with the female reviewers who saw the relationship: it was simply a love story between two men, it doesn't have to be more than that cos that's enough, and that's fucking hot.

Laertus: yeah i mean an audit for taxes is quite normal. right, Dirg?

Dirg: sarcastic ha ha. okay so Joker starts out and sets out, he is lost after the war, i feel him, i'm not myself when i'm not in a war. that was the original source-material book where Disney's Little Mermaid came from, the man making a woman out of sand and fucking her sand tits, that's where the term "sandy vagina" originated. sand woman is perfect woman.

Laertus: she can still talk back believe me! i hear Mother Nature everytime i put my ear to my pillow. he creates some salty hooch, just more reason that Prohibition was boneheaded, leave it to the professionals.

Eye: i love how Joa just casually saunters onto a boat. you know, just randomly hops on a boat lined with Christmas lights with one Mario jump and his adventure begins, very video-game.

Dirg: okay there are some scenes in this that are meant to be dramatic---painfully dramatic---but just come off as intensely hilarious cos it's Joaquin delivering the lines. like the one where he's taking the Rorschach test and everything is just balls deep in pussy to him.

Laertus: i know, how that test proctor was able to keep a straight face is beyond me. it's a frickin' Draw-a-Person test.

Dirg: he'd just laugh at "proctor." no wonder he flipped out, you can't take those memeable family portrait photos all day and not snap. snap, get it? that girl, she had a nectarine belly? was that some code word for abortion in those days?

Laertus: i'll play PSH, the greatest actor of his generation, you play Joaquin Joker:

Laertus: why'd you do it? why'd you fuck your aunt?

Dirg: COS SHE LOOKED GOOD! *laughs* sorry, that's hilarious!

Dirg: and see, this is another scene. see what i mean? when Joaquin comes back home in his Popeye sailor hat, he sits on a bench with his young lost love. this girl is like a giant amazon compared to Joaquin, i don't know if PTA screwed up with the film perspective or what, but Joaquin looks like a little kid in his cute Navy boat-shaped hat and navy-blue baby-clothes like he should be sucking a swirly lollipop with the Little Rascals and Tom and Jerry and the maid! see? frickin' hilarious! i like his alpha ways, back when men were men, he just goes right up to random women and writes down that he wants to fuck them. random ginger women trying to learn Scientology with a tape course like it's vocal meditation on how to lose anxiety by an Australian. and me, yes me, i didn't buy all that nudity, the nude dream scenes---or drugged scenes, whatever---they were forced to me. i liked when he called the dude a pigfuck, i use that often in polite discourse. what's with the turning of the eye color?, that was creepy. that's some Satanic shit going right there, that proves it.

Laertus: nah, it's just like the turning of the Stones. it's just deepfake. real-life deepfake.

Dirg: okay the BEST part! when she makes him cum, when fully-clothed wifey grabs fully-clothed husbando's dick and doesn't let go by the mirror and she doesn't stop rubbing and pulling till dude leans back, gets more red-faced than PSH is normally, and cums. THAT, my friends, is realistic sex between a husband and wife in a marriage of 40 years! that was brilliant!

Eye: ...

Dirg: and another thing! okay, another funny scene. when it's Joker and Freddie Mercury one-on-one mano-a-mano in chairs staring at each other in the face sizing each other up, bulldog eyes burning, Joaquin half-laughs when he's threatening Freddie and it's just too unbelievable to take the threat seriously. that's a chuckle moment.

Eye: chaos chairs. the prison scene, my poor Joaquin really hit his head HARD on that board, that explains his weird behavior on Letterman, he REALLY DID get a concussion!

Dirg: Doris Day, hilarious.

Laertus: it's James Dean vs. Orson Welles, which acting school will win!? then they go to the desert! hot-rodding for Jesus and all the lost souls lost there! the film becomes Mad Max all of a sudden! i mean it's gotta hurt when your best friend tells you when you both die, you're gonna fight each other in Heaven. you know what brought these two complete strangers together in the first place? you know what that drink was? the first Pumpkin Spice Latte. who amongst us has no master? i'd like to meet him.

Dirg: God doesn't. Zordon, Bump, Codrus, whatever your name for Him.

Laertus: good on that naked woman in the end! she's a little chubby but she decides to do the scene anyway against the wishes of her agent and family. she's living her dream. bring it home for the fatbottomed girls!

Eye: she's Rubenesque and angelic thank you very much. you don't turn down Joaquin no matter your body type. when he was telling her to say her full name, she should have said, "your full name."

Dirg: turns out the meaning of life is getting your cock back in the vagina after it falls out.

Eye: don't i know it. more like spills out. i don't see Maya Rudolph with the director.

Laertus: i do, they balance each other out, comedy with drama, yin and yang.

at the con, Laertus is holding his friend Dirg's collar by his enveloping arm:

Dirg: i DEMAND to see Borderlands 3! unredacted! i DEMAND all the characters be clown chicks with moveable lady-bits that you can move around like the Triforce!

Laertus: buddy you seem drunk. are you crying?

Dirg: i haven't drunk a thing!

Laertus: you don't look good. i mean, your body size, i know you're normally fat with those weirdly-muscular track-athletic little T-Rex arms but you seem bloated now.

Dirg: *crying* HOW DARE YOU!!!

Laertus: in your case, it's unhealthy. what have you eaten in just this past hour?

Dirg: i ate all the Popeye's Chicken Sandwiches cos they said they would run out and never serve them again! that turned out to be a lie! just another brilliant Boondocks promotion! i'll never eat chicken again, i swear!

Laertus: do you promise to stop calling them samiches?

Dirg: *sniffle* yes.

Laertus: that's it, we're getting Mountain Dew in you right now!!! we need help! this man is urgent! he needs Mountain Dew in his mouth yesterday or he won't be able to wash it all down!

Monday, September 23, 2019


1. what makes you insecure? John Bolton

also, not having any money ever my entire life

2. what do you expect from a romantic love relationship?

to love me forever, stay with me forever, never leave me, and never die. like that Golden Girls episode

3. what do you expect from a friendship?

let's be honest, friendship is really the best connection you can make in life. they're the ones who stay the longest anyway, right? if there's one thing i've learned my 50 years on this Earth, it's this: friendship is fickle, mates are meaningful. it's only a real friendship if it's a Skins UK mateship. it only counts if Cook makes it official with his handshake by dropping your trousers, grabbing a handful of your balls, and shaking them in the middle of the Skins party under the English cave...

4. what do you expect from a friends-with-benefits situation?

for years into my adulthood i really thought this the perfect relationship between two people. i figured it was the sex without the messy commitments, the lust without the love. what the fuck was i thinking? like seriously. i think the years of depression slowly chipped away warping my brain without my notice. OF COURSE LOVE is the only thing that matters in human existence!

i looked on the relationship between Greenlee and Josh Duhamel on All My Children as my guide and avatar. that one scene where the two get stuck together in the glasses room of the glass skyscraper fine-dining overhanging garden restaurant and they talk over sharing cabbies. not NYC taxicabs, cabernet sauvignons. and Josh remarks that at least a feeling is instilled in people over him---hate---whereas Greenleee can't manage to make anyone feel ANYTHING about her.

ah, those were the days. nowadays when it comes to FWB, i look for medical, dental, workman's comp, and especially psychiatric...

5. what expectations do you have for yourself?

like my mom says, opening your eyes to the sun one more day is a blessing every time it happens. of course soon the sun will crash into the Earth...

BONUS: post one picture (art, photograph, drawing) that depicts how you feel today:

picture a drawing of Homer Simpson in a tophat tux and tails playing the piano at the Emmys...


Friday, September 20, 2019



* director to baby: sorry, mate, the Gerber Baby came before you and is probably more famous than you. at least right now.
baby cries.
mother: that was cruel.
director: just preparing the cute little devil for the real world in 2050...

* babies grow up.
the President takes the phone call alone in his room.
meanwhile a black woman is just being born who rolls around in a white faux fur throwback shag carpet...

* when you fall down, get back up. after some animal crackers.

* daughter: mom, what's a swing?
mother: darling let me tell you about how kids used to be. there were these things called playgrounds, green little things, not toxic green. but then The Polluton came and we all had to go inside The Bubble forever. i remember i used to get teased mercilessly for having scraped knees but i didn't care…
daughter: you played in the world? you didn't just interact with it?
mother: Trouble was a board game, not the renamed planet once known as Earth.

* daughter in dad's arms: dad, i have a fever.
dad wipes away sweat from daughter's forehead.
dad: you're soaked!
daughter: yeah, dad, when you're hugging me, can you keep me away from the pan flame when you're cooking?

* daughter: look, ma, no hands!
mother: huh. i was expecting a bike but you fell from a tree...

* acne kid with glasses: this one is for the nerds. i'm here at the beach with this babe and we're sharing a huge blanket. ONE huge blanket. here we go, i'm gonna score...i'm gonna in for the score...
girl: you like eating burritos?
acne kid: i like eating tacos but what has that go to do with anything?
girl: just checking. i'll kiss you on one condition: only if my tongue gets caught on your braces.
acne kid: you know this is the first time i've ever been to the beach...

* man: i love you, cat.
cat: i love you, too.
man tries to get up but his cat is stuck to his head like a headscarf.
cat: i'm attached to you forever, you're a catman now, you said you loved me.

* i can't see! i dropped my contact lens but i can't see where i dropped it!

* Mr. Miyagi: low blow, bro.
karate fighter white: i'm okay. blue fucked up my eye, i'm gonna need stitches, but i'm good to go.
Miyagi: you'll thank your rival in time for what he did to you, believe me. own your crown.
karate fighter blue: it's not my fault, i just did what you taught me, sensei.
Miyagi: *laughing* Cobra Kai, they play dirty, but they are fucking hilarious!
white: how now brown cow
Miyagi: choose a different catchphrase.

* why couldn't you have saved Pedro, God!!?

* i need protection from the sun. is there an SPF for Global Warming?

* look, ma, i'm climbing this mountain! i'm scaling this rockface with no hands! hey, it's better than getting my hands stuck in a hole...

* husband: honey, you're gonna have the baby in this bus!
wife: fuck you! you did this to me! i should have married your brother!
husband: i'm sorry, honey, but i can't help, i have to drive the bus now.

* babies will have babies...hopefully only after they're well-adjusted adults…

* sometimes they go to dark places...
Anna stews in her room in the dark.
Anna's girlfriend at Mykonos: Anna! hug me, you bitch! how are you?
Anna: fine. turns out i was only depressed cos my parents thought me being a carpetmuncher was a sin.

* here at Johnson & Johnson with your grant money we're makin' cyberbrains and...

* female farmer: i had cancer. then i didn't.
Maria LaRosa: bully for you. but that ain't gonna save you from the tornado heading your way right down the path you stand on right fucking now...

* Mark Spitz: hello, America. you know me from all those fucking Olympic gold medals i won in the '70s. people say those golds don't count cos it was the '70s. to which i say to those people fuck you. i was in the best shape of my life back then. but then i tried high-diving cos i was all-man with a hairy chest and thought i could handle it...

* what are the chances you get in a massive car-accident wreck in the hospital parking lot...?

* man on piano: i'm back from stroke. my fingers can move again! too bad i still can't read the sheet music...

* two old men at a gala table: it's cool we're FINALLY getting married. too bad we had to WAIT for America to FINALLY not be homophobic anymore.
two old men: yep yep yep yep yep......we wasted all of our good years for no good reason...

* old couple: it's never too late to find love.
old couple: yeah but don't put us up on the chairs, we'll break our collective hip just joined fused in union in holy matrimony and we just ordered the walk-in tub.

* Charlie Rose in a green shirt holding his grandson.
Charlie: i'm about to die so i'll leave you with this: if you do an interview show, get a set of New York City in the background to distract. never invite any guests, only you, just do monologues like Spalding Gray. okay, one guest: Mike Tyson. DO NOT SHOWER!!! walk-in tub only!


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: Toasted Cheddar Chalupa. taste the toast. cos you know me and ridged foods...

hey kids, keep going! play hooky from school more often, that was awesome! i wish i could have done that sort of thing when i was a kid...well then again, maybe not...

Wednesday, September 18, 2019


Tamron Hall takes a deep breath and steps out onto the stage of her future. but before that she is accosted in the Hall.

by her old flame Lawrence O'Donnell:

Larry: hopefully i didn't damage you too much. why did you wait so late to conceive your first child? you're a gilf before you were ever given the chance to be a milf. why didn't we have a kid?

Tamron: i loved you, Big OD, but your socialist swimmers freaked me out, you know? like i just kept thinking of East Germany the whole time, our bed became an Olympic pool.

Larry: you are throwing shade on that promo for your show. Today took away your dream? i had nothing to do with that.

Tamron: same old same old. you can have a dream...unless Jay Leno has the same dream. are you sure you had nothing to do with Prince?

Larry: Tammy please!

Tamron: it's Tamron, you never once called me Tamron. it's just...strange things happen in elevators…

at the NBC Studios to the right, Shane Gillies is clearing out his locker.

Pete: that was really my locker.

Shane: i accept the decision. watch me on youtube, everybody...actually, don't.

Andrew Yang: 4%...

Shane: sales tax, life tax, or tip? i'm free for lunch, Andrew. Chinese?

Laertus: it should have been Liz Gillies, SHE needs to host SNL years ago! or be a cast member!

Eye Luggage: she's my Cecily Strong. i dream about her but that's about it. i have no confidence ever since my hammer left.

Vic Mignogna: Cancel Culture, right? it's so stupid!!! Cancel Cancel Culture! Cancel Culture presumes that humans are incapable of making mistakes, that they must be perfect from the womb and never trip up. it's a very un-Catholic way to be. if i could not be human right now and turn into a kawaii dinosaur i would. all i'm asking is for a second chance. i am sorry. and my wallet is sorry! limit me if you must, i'll only do highpitched squealing little-girl voices from now on.

Gohan descends and lands on the lonely mountain where Vic is eating vegan beans out of a can.

Gohan: why'd you call me a fag? i'm a family man.

Vic: that wasn't me! how could i have planted that, i'm up here on the mountain! the only plant i plant is mids. uh, meds. nothing wrong with being a fag, especially if you're also a Christian.

Gohan: i'm not a Christian, i'm a Christian Mystic. see the blue sparkling glowing light all over my body?

Vic: yeah what is that exactly?

Gohan: it was Ultra Instinct or Super Saiyan Blue before those were named and made famous. the real question is, why are YOU blue in the face right now?

Vic: i got a bad case of blue balls...i REALLY need to get back to work...

at the Debate:

Biden: the real question is, do YOU know if you're Julian or Joaquin? forget already?

Julian Castro: i'm the Joker.

Biden: no I'M the Joker, have you seen my smile?

Chris Matthews in the Chamber:

Chris: i'm sick of being a Senator's lapdog, I want to ask the questions! are you a Bump flunkie!? is that what you are!? A BUMP FLUNKIE!!?

Lewandowski: ask me after the Election.

Chris: *growling* LAPDOG!!!

President Bump: what's with all the animal noises? okay, Pence, come on in, i won't bite.

Pence pops his head in, checks right then left then left again, then enters.

Bump: it was a nickname, Pence, that's all. a lovable cuddable nickname. i still won't have a pet but YOU will have a pet! wanna meet her?

Pence: female. good. okay, as long as it's not too...

Bump: it's a cat.

Pence: oh good. sigh of relief. i thought you were gonna trot out a kangaroo or something...

Dean Winters comes in with a cat collar around his neck and pounces Pence in the face.

Felicity Huffman gets out of prison just in time to play Kim Clijsters in the movie...

Clijsters: i LOVE little triangular whitebread sandwiches with the crusts cut off! no meat, just cucumber...

Dirg: i mean do you still say "sick" when you're 30?

Laertus: do you still go to the mall when you're 30?

Eye: hey, whatever works, right?

Dirg: you still think she's attainable, don't you? you still think she's cute. is that Diet Coke i smell under your breath, young lady?

Eye: well of course i do. i mean she's been with everyone else in the world, right?

Eye: Mr. Federer, if you will, do the honors. the weather report...

Fed has been sleeping on the podcast couch for years now. with both eyes closed.

Fed: huh? what? wake me up? gogo boots? i'm turned. weather? right.

Laertus: like that new hurricane. you know i HATE looking at my tv now and seeing that Florida governor give the hurricane warnings, cos it should have been the black man who actually won the ship and the chip giving us the report!

Dirg: Andrew Gillies, right?

Fed: yeah right, that hurricane. that hurricane! which helped me win my last U.S. Open! man that was SO far and long ago...

the crones travel to Penistown. and take in the Penistown Paramount Cinema:

Gladyce: *the look* darling!

Doryce: what? i like this place. that's all. it's a good photo-op with the sign. i like signs from around the world. wish i got one from Bama.

Gladyce: so how did you like your cruise, babe?

Doryce: oh wonderful! you know the only reason i go on cruises is for the free drinks.

Gladyce: can bleu cheese be in a can? can it be sprinkled? or does it need to be gooey?

Doryce: always choose gooey. Parmesan Cheese, the green cans, it's the great quandary, do you refrigerate the parmesan cheese or leave it in the still-broken-door cupboard after opening?

Gladyce: the great spiritual quandary, dear. it's sold at The Store on those shelves, not in the freezer section.

Doryce: yes, but they say putting it in the fridge keeps it fresh, makes it last longer.

Gladyce: but wouldn't that dry out the cheese? make it hard? make it into a cheese stone, a hard ball in a can?

Doryce: don't get me heated, honey, i'm horny now!

Madame Pons: what do you want me to do with your channel and all your followers, Sue?

Sue Su: put them in a Doctor Who holding pattern for now, a floating sleeping 100-year coma.

Pons: *looking at huge tri-screen* you got a LOT of followers! and they all got torches! what did you promise these folks?

Sue: i was bottling my bathwater and selling it online. but as you know, i need a break.

Pons: perhaps something less enticing more enlightening. there we go. see? better than a black screen, aye? maybe if you steered these folks in a different direction, deflate the situation, less anger and more light, healing the hate. give them something to grow on like those enriching Betty Whitebread commercials from the '80s, commercials now are all about stupid stuff like chicken nuggets. let me try something here. put the camera on me:

Pons: hello world. and greater universe. -es. think about this tonight as you sleep with your torch under your bed:

something you do now might not manifest in your life for 10 years. that's right, a decade will pass before that thing you did now reverberates in the stream and rewards you with a new "coincidental" running into your soul mate at the toy store or a new job offer cos the merge just happens to go under. but see our society is so wired for immediate instant DM satisfaction gratification the thought of waiting 10 years for something anything blows up our minds, not in a good way. 

good night. sweet decade dreams.

Sue: the smartphones are blowing up! you're getting a billion new followers, not my followers, YOUR unique followers!

Linzess woman: they will not replace us. babes with big butts i mean. you see the new Linzess commercial? what is that!? first of all it's two stories in one, that never works. the man and the woman, at least make them a couple in the end. second, a woman skating on ice not half-naked at the Olympics? that's never gonna sell. nor fly. up.

Laertus: i appreciate the new IHOP item, the Haunted Coffee, very nice, i want to see how that tastes, what flavor the foam is. black licorice? but NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING is worth traveling that long 10-hour Salinas country road, NOTHING! NO NEW TASTE is worth it! sorry, IHOP. nice commercial tho.

Eye: Cokie Roberts died. she was a gilf. or a grand-gilf.

Dirg: from an overdose, right?

Laertus: uh, no. she created the soft liberal sound that's music to my ears. debate, discussion, not shock jocks. tote bags not tough talk. she reminded me of my aunt who lives in Manhattan Beach and winters in Maine with Barnesy and the brew crew.

Dirg: same. that's why i got itchy whenever i saw her on screen. too remindy of my family gets you no points with me.

Eye: Children of the Stones, go.

Laertus: this was something! brilliant. it had that vibe of something Doctor Who would steal from later on...

Dirg: back when kids were kids! and not such pussies! kids could take this sort of hard thing. hair on their breasts. make them question the faith they were brought up in. make them scared, terrified, horrified of light! more Halloween, less Christmas!

Cotard: you know this was Man's first representation of his native understanding of what The Stones were. later, The Rolling Stones rolled along flattening everything in their path, making The Stones into roadkill pancakes in their '70s hippie bus and stole all the copyrights. Mick had a big mouth so everybody listened to him. of course you humans don't REALLY know what The Stones are even now, haven't come close, scratched the surface, the wrong surface. the answer still lies in space...

Eye: bring back bellbottoms! and boys with dodgy floppy hair and open shirts. David Cassidy be still my heart!

Dirg: David Dementia in his later years. how did the son get cool hair from his father's fro?

Laertus: science, he was a scientist, they both were. science is cool.

Dirg: squireboy hair. this played around with the whole Loop thing before Lost tried it. the neverending ending that loops back and starts at the beginning again.

Laertus: oh man, it was so interesting to see that back in the '70s cutting-edge technology were those computers the size of buildings. like these tall computer towers were marketed as The Scary Future, there'd be a tall computer tower the size of a skyscraper in every home soon!

Eye: yeah, even the mere concept of a computer was this new unknown scary macabre thing. a non-human robot, a cold unfeeling machine. a COMPUTER? to calculate the stars? and the angle of the Light? to masterfully cull the herd and make better zombies!

Dirg: do you think the boy still did his homework on time throughout all the strange goings-on? i hate how we're in college and people are still calling this summer. once you're in school, summer is over!

Laertus: technically it is still summer. like technically you're "in college" in the sense that you're college-age.

Dirg: they had that big stone roundtable, what did they use it for? at least serve Roundtable Pizza on it as the bad guy foolishly reveals his master plan out loud.

Laertus: Dai was one of the characters, the name gives it away.

Dirg: the girl was cute, but so was her ginger mother---had the good Cecily genes. i'd touch my big stones i mean a big stone for a woman like that, a celt chick with floppy red hair, an Irish Tragedy Joycean lass with the existential forever fate so stream-of-consciousness you have to make up words for it. that celtic chanting music was creepy as fuck. effective. low and escalating quickly. like a Moonrise Kingdom choir. very low-tech special effects, but even i thought for a second there that the Stones were talking to me.

Laertus: what did i tell you about inhaling the unpopped popcorn.

Dirg: my headcanon is that the ginger mom was jealous of her daughter, cos the daughter had bigger tits than her. and a nicer butt. that's why she was subconsciously okay with letting her daughter join a dangerous cult. with her to keep an eye on her. a pretty stone is still a stone.

Eye: but she did not! believe me i checked the tape. there was no scene where they showed Red Mom's ass! it was so frustrating! i was so ready to push the button and stop the tape! on the mark i mean.

Eye: we'd like to thank the Home Run Inn here in Chicago for having us tonight as we podcast another John Hughes film, Pretty In Pink. thanks again. one night only we know, clean up after ourselves, no weekends.

Dirg: the name refers to when the Italian immigrants scored. in bed. and the deepdish was born.

Dirg: okay i'll start, this John a minor John Hughes, you know? minor leagues. it just doesn't seem as BIG as his other ones.

Laertus: true, it was intimate, more intimate, took place in a small town, they're always mining towns, true middle-class, working class, never any money, and always Molly Ringwald playing against type.

Dirg: Duckie. AMAZING performance, a cryer shame he didn't get the Oscar. i mean he's basically the girl's gay friend and yet we're supposed to believe he has a thing for her and wants to marry her someday.

Eye: yeah that was the thing in the '80s, those lines got crossed, it was the same subset of confusing feelings and emotions whether you were gay or the friendzone guy, you felt the same way, sidelined at the sunset. even if you were straight, you might as well have been gay for all the sex you never got. "friendzoned" wasn't a word in the '80s yet.

Dirg: why wasn't James Spader the love interest? he was WAY more compelling than the cipher who is the actual love interest, name escapes me. Spader was making some very cogent points, don't knock points off him just cos he's rich. bullies are people, too, they need love.

Laertus: no way Spader deserved the sweetness and light of Ms. Molly Ringwald! oh that brawl was real: the nerd with the silly hat CAN pummel the Miami Vice Ken. if you love someone you're willing to die for them, that's real strength, just ask Haku and Zabuza.

Dirg: this was Annie Potts's heyday. her Designing Women time when she was still the hot young nubile Southern belle babe, the milf, well at least the hot older sister who could still squeeze into leather pants. why'd they diss Madonna like that? cos she's new? teenagers back then were so lucky---lucky star---they could work at a record store as an actual legitimate afterschool job! can you imagine doing that today? what would that look like? what do you want us millennials to do next? actually bag our own groceries slash fast-food?

Eye: Annie was perfect for the Madonna biopic back then, she should have played her. or her part in Desperately Seeking Susan, the non-Madonna part.

Dirg: i know the highlight of this film is the Duckie Dance. but i gotta say, it was quite unmemorable for me, i forgot it as soon as i watched it. didn't copy it at my toilet later that night. poor Duckie, that's the beta's move, to make friends with the dad instead of just snatching the girl you want off her feet like the alpha would.

Laertus: Otis Redding was cool for teenagers back then, just think about that. a more tender time. heavy scene wth Molly and her dad, very Infinity Train. why didn't the mom stick around? her daughter is fucking Molly Ringwald! like honestly what mother would just abandon her family like that? my headcanon is that the mom got kidnapped Scientology-style and is currently serving as a silent maid for James Spader in his mansion, in the basement, she is sworn to secrecy and can't reveal her location or she doesn't get paid, she's secretly wiring the money to the family but it gets blocked by Spader secretly cos he's the only one on the block with a computer. there, in the basement, Spader teaches the mom the Tenets. and in my Infinity Train twist, Annie Potts is of course the mother!

Eye: in all fairness, the boy DID do the right thing in the end, he rejected his richness and his richieness and got the girl.

Laertus: yeah but we all know Duckie should have ended up with Molly, it's just cosmically right, always marry your best friend to avoid divorce. ALTERNATE ENDING IS CANON. but you know the studio really had an interesting take on why they went with what they went with: they were trying to avoid class warfare, they wanted to make it possible for a poor girl and a rich boy to be a real couple like that, no obstacles to love, no railroad TRAX in the way, to show that that was possible.

Eye: a girl can dream. but really all girls should marry their gay best friend.

at the con, Dirg is blending his tears, hiding them from the public, dunking his head under a green waterfall.

Laertus: hey buddy. why so glum?

Dirg: i'm not crying! i'm good. just depressed. i'm here at Dew Falls...

Laertus: come on, let's get a Sprite together.

Dirg: *crosses curse-mark with his fingers* hiiissssss! no Sprite! Sprite is false advertising! it's clear just like 7-Up but it's bottled in a green bottle to trick you. AND it has no caffeine! what's the point of drinking it?

Ghislaine Maxwell: have you tried Starbucks Oatmeal? you'd think Starbucks and oatmeal don't match...but the more you think about it, they do match. it's good! with the berries and everything, very hearty and heartwarming and filling. it sticks to my tit ribs.

Dirg: buddy, Etika, i've been thinking about him a lot lately. if he had been sent that Prince video as his last video to his phone's feed, everything would have changed for him and he'd be with us today. that Prince video where Prince warns about the dangers of the internet, way back in 1999 as The Matrix was just breaking the internet and was still a new concept. be on the computer, don't let the computer be on you. go beyond. use the computer, don't let the computer use you. there's a war going on: the battlefield is the mind, and the prize is the soul...

Monday, September 16, 2019


1. for you, happy life = ? +? = ?

2 + 2 = 5

2. how confident are you that your relationship will last?

things were going well with my dad, i thought we were making progress, i thought we had hit a breakthrough...


3. studies show exercise can improve your mood in the moment and play a preventative role for the future. how often do you exercise? what is your exercise?

THIS explains it all finally. i don't exercise, never have! THAT's why i'm so depressed all the time! the only exercise i do is i masturbate 10 times a'd think my cock would be all buff from all that exercise but it's still basically your average cock.

4. how recently has someone been hurt by your actions? did you attempt to make things right or apologize?

J'Existe. the mere fact that i exist hurts people. by my very nature. it happens 10 times a day when i'm trying to write clever jokes in the comments and end up badly offending the very person i'm trying to impress. raise the salaries of all the comedians out there, it's harder than it looks to craft jokes without offending. good jokes anyway. and then of course when you try to apologize they just think you're playing them and you play yourself twice. a writer's life is cursed, trust.

5. solitude---do you welcome it or loathe it?

doesn't matter how i feel about it, i live it.

it especially hurts in Las Vegas. i get scared in Las Vegas a lot. the only person who can calm me is Morticia Addams in a safari hat walking down the Strip smoking a cig on a black longstem pipe.

BONUS: share with us something you haven't told a partner but would like to:

when i cum, i smell like pain cream.

BONUS BONUS: the boy on Small Wonder: Billy Corgan
the boy on Wonder Years: Marilyn Manson
the boy on Children of the Stones: take your pick, either British Shaggy or James Dean reincarnated by the Stones...


Friday, September 13, 2019



* Mister Rogers: what's with this song? the kids are singing bout all they want to do is get high. is this Sesame Street or Wonder Showzen?

* Mister Rogers: i was the original.
Aaron Rodgers: but look at my cool 'stache.
Mister Rogers: son that's an original '70s porn stache. i ran into them everyday in the halls, PBS and all the porn made in the world filmed in the same building in Van Nuys.

* Mister Rogers: you know i resented Sesame Street. they came on after us and had all the glamour and glitz and Daytime Emmys and all the puppets they wanted for free. we couldn't afford puppets, we had to do REAL acting. then, Jim Henson defected over to the dark side and i just about blew a gasket, i almost took my red sweater off. when Big Bird came to visit for a special crossover show i gave him a tour of the kitchen and my new stove...Big Bird said he couldn't enter the kitchen cos his neck was too long but he was skurred. Big Bird stayed outside the kitchen and admired the blinking yellow light of my big black street light.

* parents: remember how terrifying it was on that first day of school?...…...luckily for us we get to hang out around the bus here as we drop off our dazed kids and just take our time solely slowly sipping our coffee in yellow cups. *group laugh*
Mister Rogers: *awkward laugh after* haha...…...where's Big Bird?

* little girl: here's your straw fedora, mister, you a Communist Cuban?
old grandpa: no girl, i used to run the store here at Sesame Street. my name was Gordon. now it's #325647.
girl: what happened?
old grandpa: gentrification. i'm really Spike Lee aged rapidly.

* neighborhood kids: bitch i mean lady why are you a damn mail carrier? why aren't you in the NBA!!?
mailwoman: cos it's not really the NBA, it's just the WNBA.
neighborhood kids: those shorts are fly. why do you wear shorts instead of pants?
mailwoman: cos it's fucking hot, haven't you noticed!!? my forehead is sweating buckets but i can wear the ninja headband! imma school yo asses. hey what are you doing!!? why you comin' after me!!? oh, just a high-five.

* kids scream.
collective garden: haha, it's fun, kids! right? when i hose you down with water.
fire breaks out in the neighborhood...

* woman: a woman holding the door for another woman? are you gay?

* there's a little good around every corner. unfortunately there are no more corners in neighborhoods, they've all been sanded down...

* this is so arty and artsy we ain't even gonna show you their faces...the symbolism of that...we are all one...

* that's really a guy with a mullet
audience: how can you play the violin with the spotlight shining directly into your eyeholes?
girl/guy: um, i memorized it.

* i don't know how to climb up stairs. i've only ever used escalators my whole life. this isn't just a millennial thing.

* i hope my date's not allergic to ragweed…
date: buster, this is jimsonweed! what are you trying to say about me!!?

* bullied boy smiles at pretty girl.
basketball player smiles back.

* doctor removing his surgical mask sullenly: i miss House...

* that is so beautiful, THAT is country, outdoor wedding in the summer heat, gingham dress, stage lit up with Christmas lights in September, all it needs for a clincher is that she's marrying herself...

* you got the part?
i'm your soul mate
no the auto part

* dad: i'm dancing with you now cos i don't know if i'll make it to your wedding. you might become Royalty or i'll have to be forced to eat a veggie burger.

* Sandra Prinsloo: what's the big deal, right? i'm just dancing with my husband.
husband: i know, right?
Sandra: America? you had it easy! come down to South Africa some time!

* okay you can buy that knickknack but you also have to buy the refrigerator, they're a set, that's actually a magnet.

* how many damn rollers?
88, like a piano

wait, that's Infinity Train!!!

* like this, like this, salt bae
dead meme, bro. and it's insulting to do that in a real kitchen.

* see this dreamcatcher? it's gonna be my next thigh tattoo...

* i can't get any work done, all our offices are six panels of clear glass, we're constantly being spied on...

* so i'm appreciative of this birthday celebration. you've all gathered around my long table here. at night to keep me company from the weird noises i always heard. it's weird without a fire but they said that'd be a fire hazard. i see the concha is in the shape of conches, nice touch. and yeah so, well, not all of us from the island could be here tonight...*swats at flies*…

* manager: haul him away! he was flashing gang signs!
dj: that's just my finger symbols for BASS DROP. is this cos you don't like my choice of cake?

* i played it so good i turned into a woman



happy weekend, my babies. my babies climate change is real, global warming is a thing, i've felt it personally. in my bones. it's fucking hot out here. so hot they cracked me. no not drugs, like an egg on any sidewalk in America---but more like Brooklyn with the jumprope and the hydrant-fountain and the Corner McDonald's under the stoop. i went to the Starbucks inside the McDonald's for some fuel, some nitro fuel for my rocket ship to Planet B which is Hoth. but the Nitro Cold Brew was just coffee.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019


Dennis from the AV Club is weeping mercilessly on the lap of a red-dressed Leslie Jones. Leslie is okay with this cos she's used to having crying white boys grovel at her feet. as Dennis moves his head over to Cecily Strong's lap, Ceily hits him in the head with her keys before Dennis has a chance to snuggle up to Cecily's tits.

Cecily: keep the crying to a minimum, buster, it's unmanly! remember, women are always watching you now.

Leslie: why you cryin', white boy!? you're not the one who got canned. I still got my credit for The Master.

Dennis: cos imma miss you, Leslie! i'll miss you REAL bad! YOU were the only reason i stuck around with the weekly SNL AV Club reviews each week for so long, i HATE doing them, i've hated doing them for 10 years now, i do it cos for some reason they keep paying me to. i actually HATE the show, have hated it for years, what this show has become. but YOU were my sole shine, i was the only one defending you in the press when the mob attacked you for not being funny or shouting all the time or playing into Tom + Jerry stereotypes. you granted me so much white-liberal street cred my guilt ALMOST got used up by a sponge. honestly honestly, WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO NOW!!? i don't want to go back to my drudgery terrible job of reviewing this godawful sketch-comedy show. there's no fun in reading the comments now.

Leslie: i'm not dead, just graduating.

Dennis: see? the comments for that would have been is she graduating from an actual acting academy? to which i would have white-liberal-knighted you, defended your honor, the smell of your rosey pussy by saying to that heathen commenter back off, bitch! she's mine!!! you didn't go to school, either, you're 12 years old!!! i went to an Ivy in Maine!!!

Cecily: hey buster, i'm still on the show.

Dennis: you, my dear, represent everything i can never have in my life, i secretly hate you for that no matter how talented you are, that will always be reflected in my reviews of you.

Leslie: time for my replacement. and we all know who it should be. SNL needs a regular Asian on the cast: Nora Lum. i mean this is why MAD TV hates us, they were progressive LONG before us, they had Bobby Lee since 9/11!

Dennis: Nora who? Ephron? i don't do the SNL musical-guest reviews, i leave those for the Vice News experts, they review everything through the lens of mindful masculinity.

Cecily: it's so unfair what happened to my girl. Leslie was bullied out of her job by twitter!

Jack Dorsey: hey, come on, guys, twitter is just a tool, okay? it's like a gun. i mean how do you think I feel? you know what it's like to be trolled by the Dalai Lama?

Leslie: i've learned my lesson. i know what the world is now. i tried to be jovial and upbeat. i tried to find love in the video age like everyone else. but imma be hard now.

Dennis and Cecily: NO! you must keep your sweetness and light no matter what! only THAT will victor you against the bullies.

Ariana Grande: speaking of, don't you think we are OTP no matter what, Pete? i mean i literally had a dream that you were my soul mate, you can't contradict pixiedust fate like that! all this runnin' around we doing, it be stupid. let's reconcile and get back together.

Pete: i agree, bae. we were the BEST couple, the best match, we was matches. plus, i can't let Colin Jost WIN over me! he's won enough over me already! i'll be damned if i let a Harvie show me up, i'm from the streets! i'm my father's legacy!...…...okay well the only coupling which was hotter than us was me and Kate Beckinsale you gotta admit...

at the Cream House, President Bump has creamed his pants cos he got the wrong map in front of everybody under the hot news lights:

Bump: shit. no, not that one. okay press out, i have to make a very important phone call.

Maria Butina: um, one last question?

Bump: okay cos you're cute.

Maria takes a Polaroid flash of the map on Bump's desk.

Bump: that's your flash? *on the phone* Nick Saban?

Saban: yes? is that you, President Bitchcakes? *Pence in the background snickering*

Bump: you promised if i did this for you, you'd let me own the Alabama football team. i NEED to own a damn team, the NFL banned me for life cos i wouldn't kneel for the Pledge of Allegiance cos i'm too fat. stick that in your good ol' boy hayseed and vape it. Wilbur Ross?

Wilbur entrances on a wisp of air.

Bump: are you sure it wasn't you? you're already a ghost, you can feel atmospheric pressure. see folks i usually have my secretaries do the presentations with charts and graphs, i'm usually in the corner sniffing the Sharpie. i admit, i haven't been myself lately, ever since i lost control of the fleet of hurricanes i used to command, Vlad is being a meanie and a putz, he's the older brother but still it's unfair. no see, SEE? it was the NEXT hurricane i was talking about! THAT one will hit Alabama! SEE SEE? it's at 911 millibars!

Eye Lugagge: Mr. Fed, if you will the honors...

Federer: huh? did i sleep here last night? time has lost all meaning for me now. i mean we sponsored the fuck out of the Eye-Talian, the Hurricane-Eye-Talian, we had him wear the Barilla hat and everything. i'm not worried about Nadal, we're buddies, it's Djokovic who concerns me, i'm not friends with him, i can't control him with cake...

Chrissie Evert wearing a headscarf interviews Bianca Andreescu at the desk:

Chrissie: don't worry, this is for Rhoda, not you. i like the gypsies actually, they gave me some magic in the '70s. but the dust went right through my strings. so how do you think your life is gonna change?

Andreescu: honestly, i can't really answer that question, it's a four-dimensional concept depending on which soup i use.

Chrissie: did you say soup or soap? oh i can! and i will for you, honey buddy! bitch i mean Bianca missy let me tell you! you're gonna have strange men knocking on your hotel door at all hours. if you want a good time answer the one at 3AM...

Genie Bouchard: it's okay, Bianca, i ain't jealous. that was supposed to be me winning the first Canada Grand Slam, it was supposed to be me the Canadian Sharapova. but...i still got a better booty than you...

Andreescu: no you do not!

Doryce and Gladyce are finishing their stay at the newly-built newly-cultivated newly-refurbished Holman Hotel:

Doryce: so this is luxury on the Central Coast? fine-ing in Pacific Grove? i am disappoint, there was nobody in my penthouse suite when i slid my room key in...

Gladyce: dear, you must remember the Holman is brand new! still sussing out its clientele. we were honored and considered lucky to have stayed. tho it was weird that the entire hotel was built inside the cruise ship.

Doryce: how are you loving your cruise, dear?

Gladyce: it's only love cos it's with you, dear.

Doryce: what's your favorite part of a steakhouse wedge?

Gladyce: oh the CRISPY ONIONS!!! no, the COLD BACON! no the STEAK SEASONING!!!

Doryce: it's basically just pepper.

Gladyce: why is pepper lighter than salt?

Doryce: cos science has yet to experience the heaviness of my jealousy.

Gladyce: plus salt and witch spells just go together, right? oh THE BLEU CHEESE DRESSING!!! where the E is backwards cos all that rave Extasy in it makes you go bonkers in love.

Doryce: so THAT's what all those blue flecks are. Gladyce imma level with you: that was my cum, i wanted us to be closer...

Gladyce: no the best part is that it's an actual wedge! it's cut into a cute little shoebox shape of a wedge, it's a brick of salad! it's too cute to eat! it's more like a witch's shoe! who lives in a shoe with her many kids!

Doryce: we witches, we eat our young...

at LUSH the mob is breaking down the door. Madame Pons slips Sue Su in under cover of day and a dark blanket made of stars. she draws the drapes...meaning closes them.

Pons: it's getting crazy out there! i thought Phish were playing next week. at the park that's now an Amazon. how can finals be the first week? is this college now?

Sue: i'm sorry for being a burden on you, spirit sister. you know i wouldn't be caught dead in here, the smell is intoxicating in a bad way. but i have a problem. the mob at the con. did you see my livestream?

Pons: no, dear, i have to work or i die.

Sue: the crowd was getting rambunctious and violent, i was on stage but they were tearing down the stage! with their bare hands! and some tongues! they demanded to know if that was the vagina on the screen, if i was the vagina, if it was my pussy, the SS pussy! they were shouting at the top of their tippy lungs and with bad breath demanding i unbutton my fly jeans. my butterfly jeans.


Pons hugs Sue's head.

Pons: it's okay, dear, you're safe now. how'd they get tipped off?

Sue: me. but it's gone too far, it's gotten out of hand, it's out of my control now, it's a monster a life of its own.

Pons: that's what we women need in today's society: control of our love lives. do they know your boyfriend in the video?

Sue: i will NEVER reveal his name, much less his face, his identity is sacrosanct, i love him so much, he's everything to me, he's my super spy of success.

the famous Sue Su rests her crying head gently on Madame Pons's lap until she is all cried out and falls asleep on the lap.

Eye: Infinity Train and go.

Laertus: wow.

Dirg: right? you tell me what you think it all means.

Eye: why does this one get a second season and Over The Garden Wall did not? i was so looking forward to seeing those two boys in the same high school and it'd turn into a sitcom second season, Saved By The Recess Bell Handball Wall.

Dirg: you seem a little flustered, you're getting red over Tulip's red hair.

Eye: we raven goths don't trust gingers, they're outsiders, there's something weird about them, they're already all the witches we wish we could be.

Laertus: Stranger Things theme music…

Eye: or is that just standard '80s spooky synth music?…Zelda music...

Laertus: i love Tulip's black girlfriend. the one who DOESN'T like video games. Takahashi---wherever you are---cover your ears. there's not enough representation in media for that subset of humans.

Dirg: nonexistent for millennials. don't worry, Takahashi is always wearing his Rooster Teeth Beats By Dre headphones. using video games to help forget your real-life situation, i can relate...on a purely fictional level.

Laertus: this thing got dark. this thing got heavy. this thing got REAL. the divorce stuff, the writers didn't pull punches, it was nicely-done from a young woman's point of view who's just starting to forge relationships of her own and wonders who to trust. i thought of you watching those uncomfortable scenes.

Dirg: uh, thanks? i was just worried for those poor dolphins debasing themselves for our debased human enjoyment and debased culture. who cares if Flipper can flip? just buy some more pink cotton candy and goofy dolphin-fin hats cos this will be the only memory of all three of yous together.

Eye: does the robot ball end up an endearing pet or just annoying?

Dirg: represents the globe, right? dunno, i got used to it cos i watch a lot of Gundam. the Earth is a flat robot.

Laertus: that spaghetti-wormhole monster robot android thing was intimidating. something out of Miyazaki fused with a soldering gun with del Toro.

Dirg: yeah, those drama masks that are a woman's face and carved lips but with no eye pupils, it just makes me fear women more.

Laertus: there were clues along the way...if you bothered to that's a drag, i like to be surprised at the end.

Eye: oh i loved The Cat! cos she spoke sexy French! and she's the baddest bitch this side of the galaxy: Captain Janeway! Janeway was my first crush. you KNOW Janeway ONLY has Amazon-Position sex with her men!

Laertus: the Corgi, you don't mess with the Corgi, they're too cute, like papillons, you can't really do anything extreme with royal-looking dogs like that.

Eye: my first dog was a Welsh Corgi, except it was a Black Corgi and i named him Cerberus.

Boris Johnson: *on the phone* the Hair Club is now For Women, too? bollocks.

Jeremy Corbyn: i can see right through you! like i see right through a drain! spotted!

Boris: what? no the big girl's blouse is for CORBYN, not me! no we're not in Flock of Seagulls together! yes, the softest pink you can find, special-order it to 10 as soon as it comes in from Brazil. Australia? sigh, fine. i'll show it to Corbyn at the next Questions, i want to see the Speaker's face when it's time for show-and-tell.

Corbyn: you know, i used to be a Marxist, but actually it's more fun to believe in Fuerza. i want my god to be a woman, i want my god to dominate me sexually, for me to go down on her as she Amazon-Positions me on a soft cloud. THAT's hot. THAT's power. i want nothing to do with the god who created Bojo and Bump and Motel 666.

Codrus: hey, that hurts my feelings, Motel 6 and That Girl was my best work.  

Dirg: you know the writers all got drunk one night---like we do at this podcast every night---and plucked their brainstorms out of a hat to name all the rooms and all the train cars' inhabitants.

Laertus: and the same with securing music rights. you know they went through EVERY song in the songbook till they got "Word Up" simply because the "Word Up" lords decided not to press charges and allowed their song to be used. THANK YOU, Word Up, for not being a bitch about it. wouldn't ALL art be better if EVERY artist just let any artist use their work? just emails and paintbrushes, not courts or scales. songs would be better cos they'd be more influenced and influential. dramas would be chock full of so many references. comics would be a collection of lines. films would all be masterpieces. porn would be more feminist. the world would be a better safer place for ANY art.

Dirg: this show had me with its darkness in The Ball Pit Car. first of all it made me scared of Chuck E Cheese again, childhood flashbacks with my dad, Pasqually's mustache getting in my mouth, and that workplace shooting. but then the dog.

Eye: but you knew the dog death wouldn't last, it was a fakeout, it was another Family Guy Brian. they couldn't REALLY do that on a kid's show. i was in my feelings and REALLY ready to turn goth.

Laertus: the university rain stuff was a bit convoluted. the time-cop Swatch Watch stuff was convoluted. the mirror-self was a meditation on female masturbation, right?

Eye: yes. it always is.

Laertus: i was certain the woman in the robot suit at the end was Tulip's estranged mother. and then the family would get back together. but they went the realistic route, the parents trying to get along after the divorce for the sake of the kid.

Dirg: but by that time you're screwed. once they get divorced, your life is fucked, case study: Cobain. yeah, that's why i hate elite university stuff needlessly complicated for the proletariat mob. so, like i said, what do you think is the meaning of it all?

Laertus: The Infinity Train is a metaphor for---not to be trite or anything but---life. you're traveling to a destination you know not of, you have no idea who's REALLY in charge, there are forces beyond your control, there's no ROADMAP to it, no beginning, no end, it's just a train that keeps going on and on and on for no apparent reason. you meet people, strange people, at random. much like life, wouldn't you say?

Eye: and yet even Tulip found love, the brat. i hope we're not at some dinner party the three of us thirty years from now discussing this miniseries while standing with napkined garden-hosed soda glasses in our hands, discussing how it's fallen off the tracks into the sands of time and has since become a forgotten cult classic.

Dirg: thirty years later? would i even be alive? why? why would that happen with the second season?

Eye: no it's just i'm realistic. the three of us? together that long? all families eventually get divorced.

Eye: Moonrise Kingdom, go. the movie we've been waiting for.

Dirg: before we start, what exactly was the Moonrise Kingdom? where on a map? can i go there?

Laertus: it's all in your head. literally. or short answer: anime. well here's the thing. and i'm gonna be honest, this was my first true Wes Anderson movie, and here's the thing: with all of his movies, you either LOVE his style or you DESPISE it. i was going into it blind, and i...…...LOVE it! i know i know, sorry if i'm not indie cool AV Club hipster enough for you, but i did. sorry, Dennis. i wasn't expecting to but i did. Wes's style is TRULY amazingly unique, it's like he's putting on a shoebox-theatre play in front of you with all of his stage sets. this movie is meant to be seen as a play rather than a realistic film, the acting in it is play, it's Broadway, it's broad: like, it's elevated, it's made almost nonhuman, animal, it's like people giving weird loud monologues.

Dirg: yeah but don't you think it's too corny? like it's too deliberately quirky.

Laertus: maybe, but all films, all art, is meant to be affected. be as pretentious as you can possibly be, that's what art's for. be THEATRICAL. i dunno, it stuck with me, certain iconic images, especially that scene with the plate in the log cabin with the hot dog pierced by the fork. couldn't you envision that that was Wes Anderson as a baby boy getting fed a hot dog by his mother? that was straight-up childhood nostalgia right there, '50s Texan home cooking with the linoleum kitchen and the poodle skirt and the phone with the long cord.

Dirg: Bruce Willis, miscast, i wasn't buying him for a second.

Eye: Harvey Keitel for that matter, why'd it have to be Harvey Keitel?

Eye: i saw nothing wrong with this relationship, what was all the fuss about? it's called young love, people, it exists in human experience! two freaks finding outcast love, story of my life. we goths aren't allowed to listen to any vinyl that's not played on a Fisher Price record player.

Laertus: Moonrose Kingdom is that place as a kid you dream about going to to escape the pressures of school and family and love and hate. that island. unfortunately islands aren't safe spaces nowadays.


Laertus: you know, if the Noah's Ark myth was presented in this Wes way, it would have been swallowed down more palatably by us liberals. much more than some Emma Watson Noah movie. you know there's no scientific proof that the Great Flood ever happened.

Dirg: but did the author of Noye's Fludde happen? his fascinations with his own little personal boy-scout troupe in the backrooms of the librettist shop? Weinstein Effect? is there gonna have to be a Lewis Carroll whitewashing here?

Codrus: i don't want to talk about it, i'm done with the whole Boy Scout thing.

Eye: what's the big deal with these kids? why the electroshock? that's painful you know, it's like getting the Electric Chair for a crime you didn't commit. these kids are just a little ADHD. but back then in the '60s this rebellious couple were doomed with the hot branding iron label of "artistic kids".

Laertus: thus, autistic kids. why are all mother-daughter heart-to-hearts always naked and in a bath tub?

Eye: i wish i had an artist girlfriend like Wes's. to be the set-designer of my films. to be the inker of my comics.

Dirg: trust me, it never works out, professional jealousy gets in the way. why are young kids so eager in a rush to get married? don't they know all marriages end in divorce?

at the con:

Gala: so...…...Starbucks?

Dirg: sorry. i'm a man. i'm not gonna be smartphoned walking the sidewalk curb outside of one of these things with sunglasses and a Pink Drink from Starbucks in my hand trying to cross the road, you know? the honks would be merciless.

Gala turns into a pink hologram and disappears into thin air.

Gala: subject swerves Starbucks, stupid sale.

Dirg: wait! what? you were a bot!? a sales bot? bot and sold? that's why you were getting to know me better, you see me as a dollar sign? sorry i'm a man, will i ever find love? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO COOOOOOOOOOOOOMEEEE BAAAACCCCCKKKK i have no one to talk to!

on the other side of the auditorium, Laertus is accosted by a woman in a pink fairy dress and pink-spraypainted hair:

Wendy Dragon: hello, my name is Wendy Dragon. how are you enjoying the con?

Laertus: very well, fine, thank you, you are fine.

Wendy: thank you. square burgers, amirite? so square. when did Earth become so square? juicy and flavorful like my third-eye cunt, sorry i get nervous around hunks. would you like to try this Pink Drink?

Laertus: sorry, i'm a man.

Wendy: i could still love you.

Laertus: okay, *gulp gulp gulp*

Wendy plants a wet kiss on Laertus's lips.

Wendy: your pink mustache is so sexy.

Monday, September 9, 2019


1. which of these do you do the most with your significant other? list in order of frequency from done the most to performed less frequently. if you don't engage in any of this with your SO write N/A (not applicable)

a) eat meals with your SO without smartphones, tablets, TV, or any device
b) exercise together
c) share a morning kiss that lasts longer than 6 seconds

my morning kiss lasts 9 1/2 weeks. btw, N/A is really NWA, they just tryna keep us down. i can't believe i have yet to see 9 1/2 Weeks. especially for me, that's a shame and blasphemy, right! i've been a Zalman King devotee from jump street, i need to support him in his feature film break to get his stuff out there in the mainstream. but not too much, his indieness is what defines and ennobles his work. me! the one who loved X-Files not for the sublime sci-fi but because it starred the Red Shoes Diaries guy! i tell all my friends this and will continue to: porn is good as a one-off one-shot quickee, but nothing NOTHING is as grand, bold, delightful, lasting, and elegant as SOFTCORE.

2. briefly tell us about a time when things felt helpless but you knew you would pull through:

it was a day in my life, like any other day...

...but i knew as long as i had Rupert The Teddy Bear by my side, i could conquer anything...

3. would you rather have sex in a posh romantic hotel suite, on a secluded tropical beach, or in your own bedroom? why?

i've written about this extensively, i have a dream that i have yet to fulfill:

penthouse suite, top floor of a huge long hotel in the middle of the futuristic city, my room is all corners all six glass walls overlooking the Tokyo highway lit up neon like Blade Runner or Tron. i take a shower in front of the world, naked for all the world to see. my shampoo? a nice long amber bottle of Neutrogena Bamboo Rain with that aloe vera that tickles your skin freckles with sumptuousness, drowning your senses and touch nerves in gel and lice block.

4. have you practiced orgasm denial? did you like it? would you again?

yes but here's the thing, it's either the best thing in the world or the worst. edging vids are the most-viewed vids in porn by counter. if done right, if you deny for a LONG time, you still have to EVENTUALLY cum, THAT cum is satisfying cos it's big and large and messy and wet and ropey and exhausting and exhilarating. if you NEVER cum, well, it just becomes cruel at that point...

5. finish this line: i doubt i will ever tell you:

that i'm Doubting Thomas.

BONUS: would you pay good money to have the kind of sex you want, when you want?

no but i'd pay a dollar for it...


Friday, September 6, 2019



* i loved Scott Weiland. i loved that man. R.I.P. even Billy Corgan came around. Pearl Jam sounds like "Plush". i do see his wife's side tho. and thank you for making Sarah Michelle Gellar more goth than Buffy ever could.

* when Lancôme tells you in a youtube comment to keep going, you keep going.

* look! look at me! no, look at my perfect pirouette stance! they robbed me of my dream of being a male ballet dancer, the headmistress had some nudes of me she stashed in the papier mache walls!

* Donahue: so what was it, Halston? the JCPenney thing?
Halston: do you smoke, Mr. Donahue?
Donahue: quit.
Halston: good, cos i just swallowed my lit cigarette...and i'm not a magician...

* a Teletoon/Degrassi production

* rock!
brings out cocaine
brings out cash
brings out giant neon rave scissors
it's actually a huge hypodermic needle! not for drugs, for antibiotics!

* are you done wearing Slimer? he's getting tired.

* that's not cotton candy, that's a firecracker!

* the next season of American Idol, since the ratings are sagging, will be Cloverfield.

* i'm the creepy Vegetable Man! eat your leafies, kids!

* Fahrvergnugen

* Black Forest Gummies, so juicy, JA?

* this is that Doctor Who bottle episode deep in the Norse blind woods

* see? that polar bear has become a panda bear, climate change is real.

* Aslan: what the fuck am i doing here?


* not funny

* Kevin Federline turned out to be the stable one...

* Yanni as a youngster

* this is why shoes are so expensive nowadays

* okay, as long as the humans get their comeuppance in the end...

* that purple tea was the original purple drank. and what Pearl Jam is named after.

* the world would be a better place if we all followed the Eurobeat of our hearts

* no more Adult Swim Development Meetings! I CAN'T STAND THEM EVERY WEEK!!!

* i'm that Pokemon episode you never knew you wanted

* incel sex robot: Major Motoko Kusanagi's worst nightmare

* Power Rangers just got real

* like real death and blood...and pornography and samurai swords and stuff...

* never follow a revolution in which a fist is the symbol...

* whoa, that dude's got tits!

* i'm suddenly turned on and know my anatomy

* not a real Star Wars convention if you use used condoms for Salacious B. Crumb

* this was all a conspiracy to keep Jake The Dog flat...

* Unabomer: i want to get into patterns...i need patterns in my life...i'm a conspiracy theorist.
lady: wut?
Unabomer: cuffs. not for sex. i'm a stud. i want to echo the greats, like Halston.
Unabomer: hey lady, consider yourself lucky, this was one of my mild prank calls...

* Ballmasterz 9009, Season 2, fingers and non-binary genitals crossed

* it's like that Nip/Tuck theme song...

* don't worry, just a trip to the butcher's

* remember, all NFL players can play the organ

* it's that Humira commercial where the majorette is just a little too confident she won't get hit with a football and is okay with skipping over that donut

* i LOVE the marching-band sequence, but what did it have to do with fashion?

* Twelve Is The Loneliest Number…

* bro, you don't have to do the purple drank to fit in. you're unique and special just by being you. oh you're a clone? nevermind. well you got a mullet so that's cool right there.

* as Demi Lovato says, celluLIT


happy weekend, my babies.

how do you think a McDonald's Strawberry Shake tastes like?...