Friday, January 31, 2020



* not that thing that keeps tuna cold

* you know i'm just realizing this now as i do this post: i really owe a lot to Captain America whatever my politics. i didn't see the film cos i shun blockbusters like the coronavirus but now i wish i had. there'll always be another Woody Allen film. those scenes of a painfully-skinny Steve Rogers who eventually bulked his way up to superhero strength should inspire me, i'm even MORE skinny than dat dude was at the start now. my pipecleaner arms are the pipeceaners to the pipecleaners. of course i never had time to actually drive to the gym and lift weights, the only way i could bulk up was with that strange powder...

* see the thing is tho, you can't park a car in the harbor...

* red herring (kept cold): this commercial is actually about an old curiosity shop

* Jackson Pollock was alive this whole time and paints in that studio! nobody notices him cos his paintings just sort of blend into nature.

* Chris: hey Rachel, how are you? how do i know your name?
Rachel: i think you did an SNL once, dunno, stop bothering me, kid.
Chris: drat. want a commemorative plate from when Richard Scarry spoofed Sound of Music? want some Buddhist gold circles to rim with your tongue?
Rachel: i want your shield. i need it when i meet people. why did i leave SNL again?
Chris: your gall bladder never recovered form the Debbie Downer Disney skit.

* John Krasinski: so now obviously this needs to be a sitcom.
Chris: hey pal, leave the heavy lifting to us real dramatic actors, your lane is comedy. you as Jack Bauer!? don't make me laugh. that's why they're bringing back 24.
John: patience. i am in touch with my emotions, i hold up signs written on them my feelings.
Chris: what are you on? there's nothing in these coffee cups. Pam is my real-life wife...that sounds like something which could be true...

* John: i'm gonna squeeze in here and park the car.
Chris: no you ain't! too small!
the car turns into Chris's blue jacket.

* Big Papi: hey. Boston is my fucking city, but that don't mean i have to speak like you idiots.
Rachel: the only way the world will survive is if someone who looks like me can communicate with someone who looks like you. come on, big guy, loosen up! going to the rippah tonight?
Big Papi: excuse me a what!?
Rachel: ripper. party.
Big Papi: i thought you were making a pass at me. don't joke around about farts in front of big guys, we're sensitive to that sort of stuff. when big men fart it can cripple a city with a green marine layer.
Rachel: so THAT's why the river turns green!

* Rachel: Papi, can you be our musical guest? you play music? you play a sonata?
Big Papi: of course! i'm in Boston you madam of the mushroom midgets. i'm in the Pops and the Philharmonic! fuck the Phillies, they will be the next team to cheat...

* just a simulation, the car doesn't really do that

* John clicks the clicker. his eyes start blinking uncontrollably...

* Rachel: Dorchester?
John: no that's where Lawrence O'Donnell lives with his family alone...

* Chris: you unparked it? how is that possible?
John: as you can see the car is no longer there. it disappeared. cos it got stolen.

* Trent Reznor: wait, what city is this? i smell neon signs everywhere, and the smell of sex and seance...
Rod Serling: the ghost car is actually my car. driving driverless on an empty tank. it gets REAL good miles.

* Casper the Friendly Ghost is driving the Smart-park Sonata past Rachel and new friends.
Casper gives Rachel the middle finger.
Casper: am i am joke to you!
Rachel: Boston changes a lad...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: my Super Bowl Splurge: normally i cannot stand buffalo chicken. it's cheating trying to be a chicken it is not---how can you be both a buffalo and a chicken? it's playing chicken and being a chicken. but i will relent this one time cos Taco Bell Queen on Instagram told me to.

SUPER SUNDAY: it's not about Mahomes v Garoppolo. it's about Kelce v Kittle......not their play on the field, their playing the field if you know what i mean. never has chocolate freckled with rice krispies tasted so good

Wednesday, January 29, 2020


Pat reaches his dorm room. the door is different from all the other doors on the floor. it's not shiny and metallic, it's wood and knotty. a female voice beckons from within:

voice: hear hear. i mean here here. this is your call.

Pat: um, i'm trying to open the door. but i can't. this isn't a key. but it is a key. um, the guy said this was my room,. what do i have to do? now. how much does it cost?

voice: oh silly. but it most certainly is a key! but that golden credit card ain't worth anything! squat. for me. 0 in the bank. you use that card to slide it through the door until it jams open...

Pat: oh, right. okay.

when he enters the voice is Julia Ioffe. she lays on the metallic bed completely naked, lips pursed, Russian-blue eyes lasered on the bookbag around his waist in the back. her room is completely wallpapered with litters of Russian nesting dolls which increase or decrease in size depending on the angle of your eyesight, getting larger or smaller with no middle nor end. the room is utterly lit red tho there is no light source in it at all. and her boudoir bed is covered in frilly red tassels.

Pat: OH MY GOD. i can't believe it's you! i've seen you...i mean i've read're like the most beautiful woman who's ever lived!

Ioffe: i get that a lot. this is gonna hurt. i don't have a soft adjustable mattress. you smell that?

Pat: um, yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina, right?

Julia: no MY vagina! LUSH makes special-order candles just for this floor, Palekh Pussy. i need to have my own space to function. you ready?

Pat: *shaking* yes. for what?

Julia: well you've heard of the thing where if your roommate commits suicide you get a 4.0, right? well here at Princeton it's a bit slashed. we're only gonna do this once. but i swear to you, when i've finished with you, you don't know me, i don't know you, but you will never ever forget me. i'm gonna fuck you 30 times in a row. at first your cock will love it, it'll get all purple and swollen and swole. your peehole will form the happyface emoji. but soon your cock will turn stale and start to hurt, really hurt, like the hurt of a dump. if you survive you get a 4.0 for this semester but you still have to go to class. cos, why wouldn't you want to listen to our professors, they're as we speak literally rearranging the meaning of life like deckchairs.

Julia fucks Pat hard against the wall, in her fishbowl, and in the closet. so hard Pat's eyes pop out and look around the room like a drone. he is naked but never once takes off his dress shoes, which Julia finds kinky so she goes harder. Julia is so talented she can light all her candles just from the air from her vagina. when all is said and done, Pat blows out a tornado from his mouth and Julia's red walls have been painted white.

Julia: wow! you turned my blue eyes brown! or is that just the lighting. i think i might have moaned once myself that time. anyway, you passed, kid, congrats. so, be a stranger. bye. take care. enjoy college life.

Pat staggers out of the room and misses his lips when he goes for the water fountain. he goes to the student store out of base instinct to buy books...

President Bump at the Impeachment Trial:

Bump: not fair! Kobe blocked my defense!

Rubikon: as any good basketball player would.

Bump: nobody saw my defense on tv! it got terrible ratings!

Ivanka: and don't forget Auschwitz, daddy.

Bump: what? what is that?

Ivanka: the memorial. don't forget for me, daddy. i wouldn't be here right now...

Bump: oh you mean that Holocaust Museum? that place is a disaster! do you see that building? so unclean. that should have been MY building! i mean i even made the flags fly half-mast for Kobe, don't i get a little credit? who is this Zoe Manager? she looks like a Muppet. Muppet Manager.

Bump: okay, Senators, recount the vote.

they do, the first vote to Remove is declared a mistake.

Bolton comes dancing into the Chamber, doing the Nutcracker Russian Dance down the steps for each Senator to gander at. he twists and turns and holds up a large sword. he is so tired at the end of it the sweat from his mustache lands on Bump's hair which he doesn't feel.

Bolton: i did the Trepak all by myself to prove a point, normally there are 13 dancers doing this on stage.

Alex Trebek: did i just hear my name? call me to the Floor, Senators, i will testify. you can trust me, i'm Canadian. i know all the information cos i got Bolton's book special-rush-ordered out to my island home.

Bump: i'm not sayin but yesterday i saw the Hopak performed at the Nutcracker instead. just sayin.

Bump raises his right hand.

Bump: i pledge to take the oath. from now on. not that i will be a better President but that i will sign the Oathbook. because i want to meet that hot older blonde woman who was passing out pens, who is that fox!? i want to date her.

the LSU coach comes out of the Ohio Clock...

Pelosi: speaking of pens, i got all the pens you'll ever need back at my office! all the commemorative pens you need!!! got a shitload of 'em in a big brown apple barrel when Disney Plus came to our office. Goofy himself shook my hand! actually it was just Vince Vaughn with a Goofy glove. Vince said he'd smelled a funny rag and ended up in Vegas for a week. Mitch McConnell was steamrolling the pens wearing a cute yellow hardhat i recognize from my grandchildrens' tv down there in the Senate graveyard parking lot but the joke's on Mitch, he just made them into squashed Disneyland pennies!

Mitch: *fist in the air* damn you, dame! as elongated as your turkey neck!

Rudy Giuliani enters the Senate for movie night. he drags with him two copies of the film he's worked so hard on. the Senators watch it on the overhead projector:

Rubikon: huh. interesting. you know we are in modern times. there's a lot of video the Managers are using this time around, not tape. in court trials now, the case is hinged on text messages, text messages are the new irrefutable proof.

after they watch the film, all the Senators are unanimous for once and give the movie thumbs-down.

Senators: you should have gone with 20th-century Star Wars, Rudy, not 21st-century Star Wars.

Manu outside the Cloakroom: i don't get it, i work for CNN, not MSNBC. Susan Collins just called me Mowgli. i think. everyone thinks Sanjay Gupta is my brother.

Chris Matthews: this whole thing is a bushfire...…...i mean brushfire...

Alex Trebek: the Jeopardy GOAT tournament was weird. it should have been play 5 regular games one each day for a week and the one with the most money after five is the champion. instead you have this open-ended concept where nobody knows how many days it's gonna be, other shows have to be preempted till this thing finishes. the first to win 30 games or whatever it was. i don't have time for this!

Jodie Whittaker: *goofy grin* oh brilliant to be here, i am chuffed. it's my first girls night ever! and it is right proper we discuss Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging as the topic! btw, fam, do you think the show would have been less popular if it had been called The Doctor?

Eye Luggage: no Harry Potter comparisons here, okay? okay, so basically, what we're asking for here is, who made out the best from this film?

Madame Pons: as you can smell, your dorm room is covered in a lather of scent from my newest candle, Mushroom! yeah, all the Paltrow Pussies are gone. as you can see, i've done a bit of gardening in here, i forswear all men! i'm a plant mom now!

Doryce: you know for the longest i had no idea Georgia Groome actually ended up snagging and marrying the ginger from Harry Potter! never the bridesmaid always the groom. she wins, that is a GET for a girl! i honestly thought she just disappeared after this film missing her chance at stardom...

Gladyce: that poor boy. he escaped your clutches, dear, but Aaron Johnson was turned and turnt into a toyboy by an older cunning woman and never really recovered. father at a young age, i'm sure he would have preferred to be at a dorm party right now with Bama.

Doryce: we older women sharpen our claws at the salon. sink them in young flesh with our sanka.

Eye: Eleanor Tomlinson got to snog some Poldark dark meat and some Doctor Who timey-wimey tush, she made out good.

Jodie: it's pretty obvious Tom Baker wears a thong. rainbow like my stirrups. i'm a vegetarian but i like a good steak every now and then if you catch my scent. and Georgia Henshaw better bring back Skins...AND House of Anubis!!! that was fun, fam, gotta fly.

Doryce: how are you finding the café, dear?

Gladyce: well same. the ice thing, you know.

Doryce: yeah, here's the deal. you HAVE to push for both the block ice and the shaved ice. see if you neglect the shaved ice, the machine will start to rust on that side from disuse.

Gladyce obliges down there. she pushes the button.

Jessa Crispin: whom were you expecting? a lazy Steinem wannabe or something?

Gladyce: oh hello dear, didn't see you there. shaved ice is like a shaved pussy, so much work!

Jessa: agreed. i just use ice for my cereal. just finished mine.

Gladyce: oh how i love Crispix! they were clean out by the time i got down here.

Jessa: come with me and i'll show you a whole new generation of young women writers, the best twitterers out there.

Gladyce: well Dorcye doesn't like me going with strangers but if it is for the cause. we always need more witches to come into our fold. lead the way, dearie! oh but i need to make some copies first for my workstudy...

Jessa: where we're going, we got something better than copiers. we got printers.

a room over from the café is the library. where Madame Pons works.

Pons: and where i love it! it's so quaint here, the shag carpeting is the walls and it still has that grey metal subway bar from the '70s that opens up automatically like a robotic arm to let the bookers in, waterfountaining their thirst for knowledge.

she meets Henry here. a man with sad eyes.

Pons: oh Henry! you have such Robin Williams eyes, they're mesmerizing. you can open up to me. i mean i'm a counselor...well i took a break but...if you ever need me here's my library card.

Henry ups his lowered head: i just don't want to take advantage of you, miss.

Pons: my you're precious! you and your babyface *she smiles*. stick with me, kid, hold my hand, i'll teach you the Reishi ropes, how to express your sadness. your emotional intelligence here at college.

Cory Booker is filming his campaign farewell video at a corner of this library full of hanging potted plants. he is sad yet joyful for the experience, the rest of his team is goofing off in the background as Cory is trying to give a heartfelt thank-you to all his donors who must wander now. he starts and stops and corpses and starts over. Rosario Dawson sticks out her tongue on his right side of the screen, Spike Lee makes a face on his left. and Usher for some reason is in the background, licking Eddie Murphy's shaved head that it's turning red.

at the Clevelander in Miami, Tony Kornheiser is reminiscing on his East Coast provincial college days while at the new Pardon The Interruption set full of open and a big blue pool in the back with girls in bikinis.

Tony: my agent said i could come out in swimming trunks. i've never done this in my life. i worked for the Harpur Palate which is a play on Harper's Gazette. i did the Bluebook Literary Journal and thus deserve the blue-ribbon early-bird special to eat.

Wilbon: my eyes my eyes! i need glasses now!

Tony: you know this reminds me of those Super Bowl scenes from Where The Buffalo Roam...i know, i was there with my tape recorder!

Shaq is here but is crying and not in the mood to talk. not even about his General commercials.

Shaq: i do all the commercials generally. but i'm too broken up, i'm sick. not even seeing the General as a bullied boy with a mustache cheered me up. i had to swoop in and save his ass from all those antiwar hippies who were kicking the fuck out of him, his helmet was no protection for his head. i don't get it, he's the brother of the Monopoly Man, he's got the money already.

Dirg: yea these commercials which try to fight back against their opponent's campaign is weaksauce as fuck! like after those detailed funny Bud Medieval commercials, the Miller people simply show a set on the Medieval Times parking lot to show it's all fake. seriously? that's all you got! and the Geico commercials, Dennis Quaid just goes "pip pip cheerio" like that's gonna hurt n harm that creative machine juggernaut. are we selling cereal here, Dennis?

Prince Harry has found work at a Canadian retailer, LL Bean. he wears his plaid shirt with pride till one day one of his customers is Kurt Cobain.

Cobain: you know i could have been President...

Meghan Markle in line: well i'm off to my swim class! wish me luck, babe *kiss*

Thomas Markle follows his daughter in line, plopping a trowel down on the counter.

Harry: what's this? we don't sell these here.

Thomas: use this to lower me in the ground.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: Julia Ioffe...

Laertus: OMG i just have to say this: Julia Ioffe is the greatest woman who ever lived! she is perfect! from the blue eyes to the snarky lips. she is sarcastic as fuck as an American and she speaks fluent Russian so she's the perfect double-agent! she will suck the soy from your boy with her spy sex. she will turn an alt-right man into a girl. she will turn Yellowbeard into a girl dad. you can't be sarcastic without being smart. she will bend Putin to her will with that cheeky grinny smile. she's got it all: beauty, brains, and ballbusting.

Dirg: if only she dyed her hair red...

Eye: *redfaced* i could dye my hair red...…...anyway, where were we?

Tyzik: Waterworld should have won the Oscar that year......for Best Documentary...

Eye: The World According To Garp and go...

Laertus: this was the first film i ever watched. seriously, the first one i remember. the very first man i ever saw up there on screen, the first concept i had of "movie", was Robin Williams. i was 2 and it was a typical lazy Sunday afternoon. this was back when they had those Sunday movies on Channel 5. i distinctly remember that scene where Robin Williams is doing situps on the bleachers trying to impress that girl by saying the TS in his name stood for Totally Sexy. my first sex...

Dirg: garp? garp? sounds like a fish. the Gorton Fisherman needs to slather his lips in salmiak lipstick and kiss that fish with the Don Knotts lips.

Eye: OMG can you believe this was Glenn Close's debut!!? that is crazy! talk about making a good first impression! i mean she stole the show from Robin Williams, the film is really about her. i'd say the kid is gonna make it in the industry. how old was she then? it was like she walked onto set middle-aged and unknown after being a grocer her past life and killed it.

Dirg: the one thing going for her was being a Meryl Streep body double for the morgue scenes...

Laertus: and Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy, those two were INSEPARABLE in the '80s!!!

Dirg: i will always be uncomfortable with crossdressers, but John Lithgow makes it okay for me, i can accept Lithgow, he always has one of those reassuring smiles.

Laertus: this is a loveletter to writing and writers, i love it. i never knew i liked John Irving as much as i do. that i need him. he should be a wrestling coach, those guys are crazy. and this story is...WEIRD. it's just...strange...but it's strange WITHOUT being a fantasy or scifi film! that's my kind of reality! i agree with Ebert when afterwards he thought to himself WHAT DID ANY OF THIS MEAN!!? this is a very obscure and fascinating subgenre: strange slice-of-life...

Dirg: i am scared of this world. a woman's book outsells a man's book!!? blasphemy! that can't happen! a feminist world where all the men are heeled and made to just be caricatures of themselves, snipers in trees?

Eye: not hanging from them unfortunately. what you don't understand you kill.

Dirg: i mean she preaches on about lust but she rapes an incapacitated man to get Garp in the first place! that will be a woody which will live in infamy. more Nazi gunners. a world where they TALK to hookers? what to see their feelings?

Laertus: btw, that beautiful scene with the beautiful Tudor house by the waves crashing against it and the angry grey sky in the seaside village, i remember that scene at 2, too.

Eye: oh the hooker, that did NOT look like Swoosie Kurtz! right? Swoosie Kurtz did not look like Swoosie Kurtz when she was young.

Dirg: but Amanda Plummer looked properly disheveled with the Muppet hair. Ellen James, daughter of James Joyce, the music guy? btw that college looks exactly like Princeton. despite being a beta, Robin Williams was so cute in this!

Bump: out of respect for Kobe let's not discuss the plane crashing into the house.

Rubikon: i disagree, Kobe would have wanted us to confront death, discuss it in depth. he would have played on. the show must go on.

Laertus: except to show that that scene actually has nothing to do with anything, it's completely random. to show the randomness of life. and it proves that when the director makes a cameo in his own film, it never goes well...

Dirg: speaking of hurting me, Mary Beth Hurt! what a fox! why didn't she become a big star! she was more than the man she married! sadly, i tried to look up nudes of her and they only have some when she's middle-aged...

Dirg: seriously tho, what was Pooh's deal? like, was she spastic or something?...

Eye: just jealous. REALLY REALLY REALLY jelaous of Garp his whole life. no dog discussion.

Dirg: it's hard to compete with a girl named Cushie.

Laertus: the weirdness. first, when the boy starts drawing with his crayons and it becomes a Disney animated feature. then when Garp is thinking about his stories and the stories come alive with the falling piano, you don't know what's real and what's the dream. the Apache line was funny tho. that girl fixing the tire with the jack? who was she exactly? and then when they do the Dirty Thirty bit, like that's the same Robin but then that's his wife in his car as an impressionable giggling 17-year-old?

Dirg: in the '80s 30 was considered the age when adults were emotionally mature and had their shit together, so they could afford to get a litle dirty.

Dirg: the lesson here is a man wanting to see his wife as she grew up. from a kid to the various tit sizes.

Eye: no the lesson here is go secretly look at your kids every chance you get. watch them through a window as they sleep and play and eat pizza, the arc of your life will flash before your eyes.

Laertus: speaking of dreams, the death of that poor boy, Garp's youngest, why'd it have to be him and not the snotty brother? while they're hydroplaning the boy feels it is all a dream, then BAM, dead, and camera pans to stillframe of said innocent face. and the ending, it's so unresolved, in the helicopter, but will their marriage be saved?

Dirg: will he even live? is he already dead as indicated by the clouds?

Bump: no helicopters right now.

Laertus: the teacher-student affair is the hottest thing art can ever tackle and this one was done well. accurate trope. handled as the times would indicate, this is how it was done back then, in strange cars. just wished they showed the sex. whenever a woman---especially one of a certain age---wants to know if your apartment is clean, that's code for she wants to break her vows.

Eye: Marge Tallworth, the original name of Marge Simpson...

Eye: but anyway what's the deal with Mary Beth's boytoy blond hunk student? after all that trouble he doesn't want the seasoned love of an older woman? he simply wants to get his dick sucked in a car?

Dirg: the Ellen James Society, cutting your tongue out to prove a point, that's their version of male castration. is this another Nirvana "Polly" thing? is it better to voice your pain, write your pain, or sing your pain? there's gotta be a better way. pay them already!!!

Eye: i will never eat tongue. it's like for me i used to eat liver as a kid but i don't anymore cos i found out as an adult it's disgusting. g'night, folks.

Robin Williams: beware the understood.

Eye: thank you for that, Mr. Robin, much-needed at this time of ours of grieving.

Diane Neal has one more café interview to go:

Diane: and what makes you Princeton material, Joe Pera?

Joe: look at me.

Diane: yes. you're either a nerd or a serial killer. have any friends?

Joe: that one guy online who complains that no one watches Black Jesus. and that other guy online who is obsessed with game theory...

Diane: your show went all Poldark there during the summer! but your show just doesn't belong with the alt-rights of adult swim and MTV, it needs to be on another channel. Hallmark Channel.

Joe: i said my favorite show was Dragon Ball just so i could maybe get on the toonami channel. i said Sopranos as a joke cos i was certain my show was HBO material...

Pat scours the hallowed halls of Princeton in a daze, hopping from building of ancient wood to building of fall leaves all draped in magic orange and black throwrugs like Harry Potter. Ralph Nader is there in the garage as the metal-shop instructor. Jessica Simpson is in a class trying to get sober and brainier for John Mayer. Brooke Shields is there teaching a class on the dark arts and black magic.

Cornel West: *calming down Anderson Cooper* look at my hair! NOW i'm a professor! i'm not just an intellectual like Kobe, i'm a public intellectual, i'm keeping 3 networks up! i call everyone brother and sister cos i'm a Christian not a Marxist! i know both sides. both Princeton AND Harvard! and Cornell, i studied Eastern Mysticism.

Pat can't keep her out of his mind. he stumbles into expansive Auditorium W, where Michael Weiss is giving a talk on stage:

Michael Weiss: now that everyone posts private videos inside their homes and offices---even celebrities---scrolling through Instagram is akin to the ancient Aztec experience of being a ghost, an omniscient spirit navigating others' streams of consciousness, conquering their campfires, inspecting their innermosts, floating through Earth...

Julia Ioffe pats Pat on the shoulder and smiles, she's eating popcorn in the audience.

Julia: that's my boyfriend.

Pat looks at Michael Weiss's exposed-shirt hairy chest as he pats the beating heart jumping out of his hairless chest.

Monday, January 27, 2020


i mean she got Lenny Kravitz AND Aquaman

1. in a D/S relationship (dominance & submission), what do you enjoy most?

the dinner and the sugar. just kidding. as you know, i LOVE to be dominated by women: sexually, intellectually, and otherwise. my favorite sex position? Amazon-position. when SHE does Amazon-position! when she does Amazon-position whilst ordering Amazon with her toes whilst curling MY toes!

2. what do you want people most to know about D/S relationships?

EVERYONE does it. even if they think they don't. look back at your past supposed "conquests"...… were the one made to heel. to the power of love. love heals. it's in the words you use to each other, the subtle mind games. that "I love you" that comes at just the perfect right time after lunch.

3. for you, does D/S need to have a sadist and masochist component?

yes but no. it's the dynamic, the flow of interplay that's interesting. the thing is, you think you're on top of the situation when you were really the bottom the whole time all along. you think you're putting one over on when she removed the e from one just under your feet with a karate leg-sweep. like Oscar Wilde said, sex is about power. Oscar was a powerful man, he wore those heavy furry coats even during the summers. and indoors! not just outside under the stars when he made his famous stars quote.

4. for you, does BDSM have to involve sex?

no, but it must involve books. but my local library hardly carries any books anymore. it just carries old cut-with-a-saw smelly stained tomes of all the Harry Potters and Clifford, that's it, no Marquis de Sade, no Machiavelli. and adult coloring books, tons and tons of adult coloring books. Books Dog Sade Machiavelli, that's the secret sauce.

5. if you are in a D/S relationship, why do you need it?

i can't get off to normal sex. when my partner Archer comes over after breakfast, i'm still in the mood. for cereal. with ice cubes. but Archer is always in the mood to heat things up. he always arrives with one of those full black-latex body-rubber-suits wth no airholes punched through, THAT will get you hot in a hurry!

6. if you are not in a D/S relationship, would you like to be?

only if there's conversation also. i like to talk. before, during, and after. i talk to Archer about how the show is gonna survive their last season without Adam as the lead writer. after all, Adam created the show. Archer tells me never meet your heroes. not referring to Adam nor me. for Archer, the only heroes are sports heroes. his hero was that black Doctor Who who was Doctor Who before Jodie that no one knows about. Archer tells me the reason he married Lana was cos he didn't like her...

BONUS: what is the relationship between trust and vulnerability?

there is no love without trust. that's why i'm fucked and can only fuck. i don't trust myself. the only person i trust is Fox Mulder who has trust issues. the only people i can ever open up to are my psychiatrists, but they keep our talks secret so the rest of the world can never see the open me. people call me prickly but they've never seen me drink cactus soda.


Friday, January 24, 2020



* remember that guy with Penguin glasses who at 2AM in the morning would come on public-access AM tv wearing a Riddler coat and have a huge two-ton tome in his bony hand explaining EVERY SINGLE get-rich-quick scheme in the world, including one where the government would pay you to go to college? he talked fast and loud as if he were on speed. that guy always gave me such hope about my future. but then he told me that actually the whole "Super Bowl Commercials" thing was a scam. but i refuse to believe that. to me Super Bowl Commercials still hold magic, still have their charm, they're different from regular commercials. special. i just don't understand why they preview them early...

* we had this ice brought in from the Arctic.
Chrissy Teigen: where's his cock?, i can't see it.
John Legend: lord tell me about it, story of my life married to this woman.

* John: wait, so this isn't a Ritz commercial?
Chrissy: these crackers are kind of stale, wish i had gotten the Triscuit account.
Cecily Strong: no you do NOT!!! those commercials with me were terrible. the job i had to do with Lorne to save face, he said i could stay on the show but had to give up my anchor chair. you know how every show there's that one dud skit? yeah well THAT writer wrote my Triscuit commercials!

* John: they tried to revive Kid Icarus, rebooted his wings to make him more manly, but the original game will always be king.
Chrissy: just like the original John is the best, my king, John Mayer.
John: seriously? i go on tour with that dude, he's my best friend. that white boy has more soul than me!
Chrissy: sorry, babe, but NO ONE can resist John Mayer's twitter.

* Chrissy: NOT MY FAULT! this should have been an oyster waterfall!
John: *sniffing* these oysters smell exactly like your...
Chrissy: DON'T SAY IT!...…...oh look! these Gwyneth Paltrow candles are so cute!!!

* Chrissy: i've never said heck yeah in my life. have you seen my twitter?

* Chrissy: in the infamous words of Shaggy, it wasn't me!
John: damn, babe, that's a double-shade! i KNEW you wanted a rapper not a singer.
Chrissy: you're more of a crooner.
John: that's a slur in my family.
Chrissy: i'm a random girl, HE did it, John Legend!
John: what do you mean!? you are WAY more famous than i'll ever be!

* John: *sadface* you never make that orgasm-sound with me.
Chrissy: oysters, babe, these are oysters!

* Maria Butina: thanks to MY work you spies get the latest in gadgetry, cars, and intel.
spies: what intel?
Maria: you know the David Tyree helmet-catch? deepfake.
spies: what exactly did you do for the government? your job application was left quite blank.
Maria: there was no box for sexpionage.
spies: what was your secret?
Maria: no contraband necessary. just root beer. the aged vanilla knocks em out cold.

* guards: we have British accents but they're barely detectable, we're in Germany...
Toucan Sam: where do you want me?
Phoenix the director: not a Froot Loops commercial. bird used differently here.
Federer: not a Tropicana commercial either as i found out the hard way. gonna use my extra frozen-orange-juice cylinders as batting practice.

* Spyfall second draft with The Master as a ninja...

* Ryan Reynolds: i'm watching a funnier commercial on my phone.
The Weeknd: they stole my neon.
Folgers: they stole our 1850!

* Ryan Reynolds: not cool, we're all security guards here. even if i happened to vote for Bump.
guard: by the way, you can't win Rock Paper Scissors, paper could never defeat rock.

* ready to race Fast & the Furious-style!!!
they all are stalled cos this is a Carvana...

* woman: before you say, no this isn't appropriation, i really am an olive-skinned Greek woman...

* already better than that Speed Racer movie...from the trailer i thought that movie was gonna be the next Titanic...

* police: no chicken better.
other police: Popeye's?
police: Polizei Chicken, we arrest before anyone gets shot over a sandwich.

* locals: HEY!
drivers: sorry, were we speeding?
locals: no, did you see those huge bottles of wine at our front gate?
drivers: no.
locals: good.

* locals: HEY!
drivers: sorry, were we driving backwards?
locals: no, do you have any more brioche buns, we're out.

* just going through this German wood...they'll be writing stories about me...

* THERE you are, Pete Davidson!

* Pete: who wants to be the bad guy, aye?
olive woman: me. i'll take that electric charger.
Pete: got news for you, bird, there's no more electricity on earth, how you gonna be green now?
olive woman: look at my skin.

* Greta, who has dyed her hair blonde, gets into one of the cars...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: prop bets for the Big Game:

* the color of the Gatorade: green but not lime...
* how many points: 200
* which porn star will Jimmy G get with the night before: Jenna Haze and Sasha Grey BOTH come out of retirement!
* will Demi Lovato bring her new boyfriend up on stage with her: yes
* which team will win: the red one
* will there be a 4th-and-50 conversion: no

this works for the Pro Bowl game this weekend, too...…...except for the last one...

Wednesday, January 22, 2020


Pat is 17 years old. 17 is such a fraught year. it's just one of those years that's really fucked up. so many things swirling around Pat's head at the moment. what school is he gonna go to next? Pat's never had to make such a decision before, it was always left up to the parents. for the first time in his life, Pat alone must make a choice that will determine if he's happy in life. if his future is forever fraught or forever fine. that's mondo monumental, that's not like choosing which flavor french fries you want at McDonalds. for the first time Pat needs to think about things, take a break, parkour up a roof, and actually wizard far into the future and figure things out, with his finger in the air tracing an outline for what the fuck he's gonna do. i mean it was all easy before: the dad determined his high school and the mom determined his primary school. all he had to do was play with the red block. but now. you're not prepared at 17 to predict what you will be interested in a decade form now. you're not equipped with the tools. to build a time machine. there were three things troubling young Pat's mind at the moment: what was he gonna study? what could possibly be his Major since all he studied in high school was everything. can he major in General despite hating fighting and the army?

two: could he still like the Smashing Pumpkins in college? or would that be seen as being too hipster. is it possible to be too hipster in college?

and 3: he had never known the touch of a woman...…...he never had a girl...well except the mom...and his cousin that one time at the birthday party. quick embrace, quick hug after nipping on an old bottle of used shoe polish after knock-knock-joking once and breaking down the cupboard cos he wasn't allowed to drink what the adults were drinking, spiked Sprite barefoot. way before Cranberry Sprite there was Sprite And Vermouth. it wasn't so much the hooch as the barefoot part, Pat longed for that freedom.

the dad arranged the meeting. out in the open to distract suspicion. the dad had been a Princeton grad so it was a shoe-in that Pat would get accepted sight unseen.

Pat: so i gotta do this on my own merits, right?

the dad: hell no! if you're a legacy hire so be it! it don't matter how you game the system just as long as you end up with slash and cash in the end!

they meet her at the corner booth of a corner bar & grill that only served pancakes. lots of people bustling out of their mouths to drown out any deceitful deliberate dealmaking. the woman is Diane Neal. but she has dyed her hair raven-black and wears it in a ponytail. a man's ponytail. she wears a spiked jacket and socks but no shoes. and little beady eyeglasses.

the dad: what's with the getup?

Diane: so how is Ralph Nader's parrot doing these days? he was one of our most normal grads ever.

the dad: oh yeah, THAT's what i was supposed to say to break the ice.

Diane: no need to be formal. or artificial. or use a constructed language. be normal. save the artificial for your sweetener. it's okay, you can be open and free here with me, be yourself. times have changed after the Lori Loughlin thing, Princeton accepts princesses now, too. we ended up accepting her daughter. Lori went to prison for 40 years but a deal was struck with the district attorney whereby Lori had to stay locked up in her daughter's dorm room for 40 years doing youtube videos. it's all kosher now, baby.

the cat familiars: didn't you go to Harvard? are you really a spy?

Diane: *clutches her chest and lowers her eyes* OH GOD YOU SCARED ME!!! you gave me such a fright! i thought you were the dogs...

the cat familiars appear before Diane sitting next to her in the booth. Diane wide-eyed immediately puffs on a swirling cigarette.

Diane: FUCK Mariska Hargitay! everyone else in the world wants to fuck Mariska but i say FUCK Mariska! fuck that bitch! everyone thinks she's so special cos she's the goody-goody daughter of a bombshell and helps rape survivors but yet ironically the SVU set was toxic! have you noticed i haven't worked since? all the jobs in Hollywood are going to the elite! you passed your first test with me, kid, it says here on your form that Mariska ISN'T your favorite actress.

Pat: i actually was gonna write her but i didn't know how to spell her.

before Pat, Diane had a coupla other interviews to get to:

she met Pinocchio after he had just gotten off stage after his first big lecture:

Diane: are you a couple yet? how are you enjoying being a visiting prof at Princeton?

Pinocchio: i look around this room, and i see nothing but untapped potential.

Diane: hey woody, you're not on your date, it's just me.

Pinocchio: oh shit! i switched lines! i told the students they were all date bait and i wanted to tap their ass.

Diane: i'm surprised, Melissa, Canadians aren't usually this tough. with their language.

Melissa Maker: i just hate that Vince guy trying to pass off a dirty rag as a miracle product, i mean look at the guy, he looks like he just stepped out of prison, the furrows on his brow are serial numbers.

Diane: huh, there are 66 grams of sugar in this sweetener...

Diane: Comodin Cam, how's your mother?

Comodin: that's caboosejr's god rest her soul in space. i don't know how the guy does it, after a parent died i could never go right back to work.

Diane: he got special dispensation to attend Princeton if he continued with his toonami-bumpers channel, with all his proceeds going to maintain the university mall and student caf. fixing the broken arcade cabinets so he can lose himself and zombie out whenever and paying the electric bill to keep those pizza slices under heat lamps for life. turns out this was his life, he wasn't wasting away his life as the adults had thought.

Comodin: yeah, typical adults. me? i'm your typical millennial. i'm slightly above-age to be obsessing over a cartoon, but it is Transformers after all, the cartoon where every kid first learned about death. i go to the pub at day, eat a few shamrocks for a United Ireland one day, and watch-party alone in my room at night. wifi is expensive so i pray to Tesla. my most-prized possession?: not a woman, it's my gaming chair. do you like the beard i'm starting to sport? one of the benefits of being a hermit is i end up looking manly...

Diane: as thin as your accent. you have the most lovely fluid natural low voice i didn't detect your accent. kid, hey, take it from me, don't be an actor, you'll end up like me, a beautiful burn.

Comodin: oh, i thought you were propositioning me to take it from you. like S&M. birn? terp? i'm no terp twerp, lady, no Dutch ditch, no natural storm shelter. i can go to Oxford instead you know.

Diane: do you want to live in a hovel for your dorm room? haven't you heard? Oxford is now a hobbit college...

Madame Pons is excited to present her newest candle to her denizens at LUSH:

Madame Pons: okay, i'll be closing up shop for a bit, gotta travel to stay relevant on the Gram, see my sisters, so i'll leave all you my wonderful customers with our sister's newest creation straight from her own hole: Gwyneth Paltrow...

crowd: IS SHE HERE!!!?

Pons: uh, no, get the wax out of your ears: this is her CANDLE, the Paltrow Pussy! when you light this sucker, the candle vapes smell EXACTLY like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina!

she puts it out on the counter lit and the entire audience of men and women instantly hold their noses. up in the air to smell it! their nostrils remain fixed in the open position and they do not talk, all of their vaginal eggs fall out and land on the countertop.

Pons: *whisper* okay then and i'll just slip out the back door here undetected. Irish goodbye, and bye.

the crones are already there situating into their situation in their new dorm room at Princeton:

Doryce: all unpacked then, dear?

Gladyce: yes, dear, i put all my suitcases inside your vagina. and my boombox is on the shelf. where's the printer?

Doryce: oh we'll get to that. how do you find the food here?

Gladyce: went down to the caf, it was okay. why do all the drinks have sugar shards in them? and the ice, oh but do i hate the shaved ice. i get their shaved ice and it sticks to the bottom of my cup, i have to scrape the damn ice off and slide it manually into my drink cup.

Doryce: your poor spell fingers! yeah just get the block ice next time, push that red button for Sprite.

Gladyce: and my teeth! they HURT!

Doryce: it's the weather, dear, it's too frigid cold!

Gladyce: no it's the salt! the garlic salt! i use that garlic salt down there on my spaghetti and it immediately burns up my hanging-on-by-a-thread teeth!

Doryce: yeah, that bottle of garlic salt is 17 years old...

Lolo and Zion join the First Take schooldesk:

Lolo Jones: no we ain't a comedy team! i am pissed off. mother always said honesty was the best policy. ruined my life. when i said i was a virgin suddenly the guys were beating me with a stick cos they considered me a witch. not beating off to me like a man. i got a lot of finger-crosses in my face. how do you deal with not having sex?

Molly: *looks around the room then back at herself* who, me? well i don't but for a different reason.

Max: she's okay. and you'll be okay, Lolo. you just gotta get out there and date as many men as possible.

Lolo: i'm even considering going to Princeton, to up my Tinder. athletes NEED to have sex! it's a valve for them, it releases all that fat ball of nervous energy before the big game. i do meets well just not meetups. i track how many times my dates say mother. and i think of my mother.

Max: lol. okay. would.

Lolo gets a dorm room and fucks Max so hard he becomes disoriented in his head and thinks he's a pro boxer. later that afternoon, Lolo breaks all of Usain Bolt's records and wins 17 golds.

Zion: did you see that fight break out at the college-basketball game? i'm glad i'm in the NBA where it's safe. don't worry so much, you're like my moms, i'll be okay, i won't get injured or hurt again.

Stephen A: what are you most looking forward to doing this Super Bowl week, young buck?

Zion: i'm gonna ride those dolphins in the ocean right now...

at the Impeachment Trial, Rubikon is one of the Senators seated at the far end looking at his phone as President Bump walks into the Chamber unannounced in a slow procession and quietly takes his seat in the front row waiting to be called as the star witness. he puts his feet up on the desk, rests his large head on his little hands in the back and whistles.

President Bump: tell me when it's the intermission and i'll hand out large bags of money on each Senator's desk, just plop it right in front of their faces with a thud. sacks with an S on them. for snacks.

Rubikon: there hasn't been ONE break! it's been live the entire time for one week! all hours of the night, 168 straight! i mean come on, right guys? if you elect me President i will make sure the Senate Trial is an actual criminal trial!

Bump: i gotta go to the bathroom! i'm in a daze, in a fog, a pettifog. oh, that's just all this vaping i'm doing, filling the room with a smokescreen.

after intense endless debate, Lamar Alexander casts the deciding vote to Remove. Lamar quickly gets the fuck outta there in an Irish goodbye...

Bump: WHAT!!! HELL NO I WON'T GO!!! it's not official until i sign the Impeachment into law!!! GET HIM!!! GET HAMILTON!!! GET LAMAR!!! CALL KANYE IF YOU HAVE TO!!!

Eye Luggage, Laertus, and Dirg join the crones and Pons in the dorm room:

Dirg: just tell me there's a tv in here i can hog and i'll be okay, on my best behavior.

Eye: we got special dispensation from Obec University to transfer over here to Princeton for a semester. they didn't recognize our faces when i went to the desk, didn't know we were students at Obec.

Laertus: and we're a small-town college.

on the tiny tv:

Alex Trebek is speaking to a female contestant:

Alex: YOU'RE anxious!!? YOU have anxiety!!? lady i'm dying, I have anxiety!!!

Scomo comes out for his next press conference in scumbro clothes.

Pete Davidson: you've already lost the youth vote. and my mom is not sexually attracted to you.

Doctor Who speaks into the screen:

Jodie: i mean what's the deal with that Doctor Who wikia? have you seen that webpage? everything, literally EVERYTHING is on that wiki! pencil has a page. idea has a page. grass has a page...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh that Disney better not ruin Lupin. oh wait, that's already happened...

Eye: Waterworld and go...

Dirg: let's just get this over with...

Laertus: dude, global warming is real, this is GONNA happen to the Earth someday...

Dirg: no not that, Helen. Jeanne Tripplehorn. when she strips down in front of and that luscious ass of hers is on display for all to see shown onscreen, no WAY Kevin Costner just stands there and calmly rejects her. in that moment Tripplehorn is triple horny!!!

Eye: Costner is a man of principles. he believes in two things and only two things: honor and minor-league baseball.

Laertus: is it weird that i only found out about this film from the Universal Studios ride rather than the trailer? it was weird when i went to that attraction with my father, i had no idea what the fuck was going on, i just saw all these jet-skis on fire...

Dirg: interesting start. the conversion of pee from saltwater into drinking water with that glass contraption. i do that in my dorm room sometimes with my bong when it's late and i'm too tired to go to the bathroom next door. i would say this film is more relevant now than it was in the '90s, but we still got 500 years, relax, people!

Gritty the mascot: in my defense, the kid was Greta and she was annoying me...

Laertus: this film back then in the '90s was an entertainment, pure fantasy, a speculative fiction.

Eye: World War 3 will be fought with sticks. and pool noodles. you know how much people would pay to sail on catamarans all day?

Dirg: trimarans fitted like Harley bikes. everyone in this world is so stressed trying to survive it they're all smokers. why does the child have Muppet hair?

Laertus: cos Hall of Famer Michael Jeter's in this, the ultimate Muppet guy. so is Jack Black...

Dirg: a Nazi, dream casting. remember, without Nazi gunners there'd be no Star Wars. yeah so this thing was long and boring. all i really wanted to find out about at the end of it was Dennis Hopper's golf game. there needed to be a flashback scene showing The Deacon before he went religious hitting a golf ball into New York City from the roof of his skyscraper.

Tiger Woods: i coulda been cast as his robot.

Laertus: you could tell Dennis Hopper really didn't want to be there. he was deliberately hamming it up and desperately finding no satisfaction in the role whatsoever. he would have eaten his own glass eye if he were allowed to stop from seeing water.

Eye: turns out The Deacon was once an eye doctor, that's how he got his millions.

Eye: heavy sigh. it seems in this world like in any world the only thing which really gets the ball rolling when it comes to international trade is the woman's vagina and what you're gonna do to barter for it.

Dirg: i could have sworn that incel pirate was Robin Williams from Hook. women ARE valued, they are the most valuable commodity in the world. why didn't they show the sex? that would have been the perfect sex scene between Helen and Costner, it was a readymade waterbed!

Eye: that wasn't sex, that was love, real love. not just her wanting to escape. it's pretty convenient the guy comes flying all the way from the sky to knock the exact space where Kevin's cage is. and the keychain pops out.

Dirg: i mean is that really a death?

Eye: nope, that's a mud bath. that would clear my chakras. i mean actually for me that would be a nice orgasm, so yeah. hey, coffee grounds in any time period are ALWAYS valuable. can't take a good cup of coffee for granted.

Laertus: what's with the bad guys yelling and spitting at little kids? holding a little girl upside-down like a sack of potatoes. that's not a good look. even He-Man does it!

Dirg: got away with more back then, we were born in the wrong era. i mean even Costner tosses the kid off his boat into the open ocean like she were a piece of kelp or water trash. but that's how smartass kids learn, when your instinct kicks in, that's how you instantly learn to swim or drown. wash that rude not-in-her-place kid's mouth out with salt...

Laertus: just because the kid is a better drawer than you...right, Dirg? have you experienced this in your career?

Eye: i can take many things---betrayal, a bad barter, bad breath---but DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CRAYONS!!!

Dirg: ironically i heard of this film from the comic book. Takahashi told me he learned of this movie from the video game. there's no paper in this world---it's sold as a commodity---they have to write everything on skin. couldn't they have just made a copy of the girl's back when they were all chatting at the café and save us all the trouble of these entire three hours?

Laertus: man evolved from fish, not apes...and God is Nessie...

Dirg: don't these people have superheroes? hello, Submariner anyone? i'm still cool with that, Jesus's symbol is a fish after all. that Santa sewer-worker really wanted to die, had enough of the Fatberg.

Tyzik: and suddenly this becomes North by Northwest. and then Around The World In 80 Days. pretty clever how the ship turns out to be the Exxon Valdez. Dennis was not into his preachifying speech. he needed to channel Twilight Zone Hitler more. the bored parishioners weren't buying it.

Dirg: parishionerds. you could still say retard in the '90s...

Eye: and suddenly this becomes The Piano! same romantic beaches. not a bad day's work when you get paid to go to Hawaii. pretty clever how the New Zealand lush green of Dryland is actually Mount Everest. would have liked more of the backstory tho. like, how did Helen come to be Enola's guardian?

Dirg: she killed her parents. with butter. i'm writing the prequel comic now.

Eye: i mean COME ON!!! after ALL THAT, all they went through, the dude decides that being out there on the open sea is BETTER than the love of a family?!! what is he gonna find out there on another adventure that will top begetting a new generation of villagers on Costner Island? this coulda been real-life Dr. Stone. this is one of the most depressing endings to a film i've ever seen.

Evangeline Lilly: the island will drive the women mad...

Dirg: roots need water. hey, look how happy he was on his boat with all his plants, marijuana is a lucrative business. besides, that boat of his have those Discovery Zone nettings that are superfun to bounce on. you know it wasn't until i finished watching this film and the credits rolled that i realized Kevin Costner has no name in this! g'night, folks.

Diane: i'm looking at your grades here and they're stellar. makes me think you never left the house. did you go to prom?

Pat: please, i'll cry right out here in the open if you continue with this line of questioning. it'll be like the When Harry Met Sally orgasm but with uncomfortable tears.

Diane: you have to be more than smart to get into Princeton, you have to be crazy. do you play any sports?

Pat: i played tennis in dress shoes. that didn't last long. they forced me to run a marathon in dress shoes.

Diane: THAT's more like it. just answer me this one final question: how would you describe the movie Waterworld in three words?

Pat: Mad Max On Melted Ice. most expensive movie ever made at the time, broke the bank, but everything will eventually break even once Disney Plus is finished with it.

Diane: CORRECT! very nice, that was a trick question. most say Water Mad Max. kid, YOU'RE IN!!! well you have to do one more thing in your dorm room. technicality. when you get to your dorm, open the door. here's your ticket to ride! your ticket to freedom!

Diane hands Pat a golden credit card.

Monday, January 20, 2020


Russ Ballard was quite the balladeer.

1. what makes you dislike life?

i get asked this at every session with my psychiatrist. it's not that i dislike life it's that life dislikes me. i tried to go on a date with life to smooth things over---i even wore a flower this time and paid for the water---but life was having none of it, life tried to split the check three ways. not the fun three-way. i suppose i hate when i'm busy. but it's worse for me when i'm bored. you get to the point where you envy those who don't have to think of such things anymore, they are at the end of their journey. you hope to have a grand greasy last meal like that Sopranos mob boss. it's like Winston Churchill said at the end: "eh, it's just all boring now..."

2. when has a mundane occurrence or chance completely changed the course of your life?

i thought i would marry my college sweetheart and be a writing team in LA and that'd be the end of it. no online. ever. but my mind started to deteriorate heavily one day as i brainstormed and reached for story ideas. so i shunned the only thing keeping me sane cos it was making me crazy. i dropped out of uni and immediately started seeing a psychiatrist. a different one, tragic tale why that. anyway, the sessions were so boring, i didn't have an outlet, i just had to sit there twiddling my knees. he advised me to sign some forms online for insurance and that's when i clicked on a wrong link and randomly discovered the world of blogs. it was an awe-inspiring sight, the power of blogging was too much to take in at first. these little things called blogs, what were they? they were forums of freedom. where you could write about...ANYTHING. and the pictures, don't get me started on the pictures. sure food blogs, travel blogs, but it was the deep-dives into panic and abject fear of living---THAT was the writing which interested me. and then one day i happened upon a random mustard-colored blog of one very special person. she inspired me to write seriously again, something i hadn't done in 20 years. i thought those days were over. i'd be a desperate loner alone in my cocoon of sadness forever. no one ever knowing my name. now, well, my problems have magnified since society is the one deteriorating. but at least i can write about it...

3. what has taken up too much of your life? sleeping. sleeping is an odd duck. i'm always tired, whether i sleep or not. and the iron pills aren't working. i'm not at least granted the superpowers of an insomniac. on the one hand i love to sleep, i NEED to sleep to keep balanced. but i tend to sleep too much, i take three naps a day, and then i'm irritable cos i don't have the time to do the stuff i really love to do. like worrying.

4. what is the most ridiculous rule you have to follow?

everyone in the insane asylum must shower once a day. how am i supposed to shower when i can't be around people? i was so nervous one time i dropped the soap on my head...

5. what does the voice in your head say?

push the button. send that email. send that text that was in the trash. in your draft folder. you know good and well it's REPLY it anyway...… doctor says it's when the voices are silent that i need to start worrying...

BONUS: what's better than great sex?

the forbidden love of a married woman...


Friday, January 17, 2020



* notes in coffee, no such thing. notes of cheese in coffee, exists.

* your husband woke up you've got something up your...should be skirt, right?

* sleeve? more like towel.

* father-in-law: please tell me you didn't look down.
daughter-in-law: i didn't i swear!
father: it's human nature, you looked down, everyone will look down. well?
daughter: whachu mean well?!! yeah well i bet you can't name what was on my towel.
father: flowers?
daughter: but they look like mountains of pink rock salt!

* don't worry, it is I, Harry Potter, i can make anyone feel better after a gaffe.
daughter: shut up, you skinny white boy, get back to your Rent audition.

* hi, i'm in charge of the Biden campaign...
daughter: not now!

* i see you, commercial, going all Dr. Stone how the village came to be on us...

* father: why do you put up on the refrigerator papers with Ds and Fs?
daughter: what, now you gonna comment on my parenting, too!?
father: btw, what was the surprise you were gonna administer to my son?

* hi, i'm Lois Lane...
daughter: newspapers are deader than trees.

* daughter: thank you, this Greek Chorus made me feel better, very Little Shop of Horrors.
Greek Chorus: despite our appearance, this isn't a Handmaid's Tale situation.
daughter: that smile of yours in your towel is really creepy, dad-in-law.
father: i'm in the Greek Chorus, too...

* Malcolm in the middle: the Dem candidates are depressing now. and i gotta be stuck in the middle with you. and you. a Divine wannabe and Zach G after Baskets got canceled.

* car crashes through flower shop.
driver: there goes the Three's Company revival!...

* Malcolm: feel me, Sulu?
Sulu: not cool, man. i'm still sorting out my issues.

* Phoenix, the director: CUT! Christmas is over!!! no more holiday stress! everyone go home.

* man stuck in chimney: HEY. stop singing! stop pouring coffee for each other! stop wearing those hideous plaid pajamas! i can't breathe in here!!!
Kurt Cobain: hey man, go easy on the plaid. it's cool, the afterlife is great.

* man: honey, can you please tell the kids to stop poking their father with the poker? it's actually worse that it's not hot with fire, it's cold outside!
wife: don't blame me, honey, all kids are addicted to facebook pokes. don't you want your children to know what to do if a robber comes?
man: did you call the fire department?
wife: the Mike Tyson Mystery team will be with you in a minute...

* man: i bet the real Santa never had to put up with this.
wife: i got you a Peloton for Christmas, honey, so you can never find out...…'re fat.

* Tesla: i am not a sommelier, i am a schmelier.
Phoenix: quick! copyright that word before Eminem uses it in a rap!
Doctor Who: you're a liar.
Tesla: pardon, madam? i used to be a doctor on ER.
Tesla: ER, The X-Files, ST: TNG, that's it, that's the list.
Picard: won't be Picard...

* Tesla gathers round his lovelies at his study library den:
Tesla: guests and lovers, have you tried cheese coffee?
guests gag.
smart-ass kid of one of his paramours: like, Philadelphia cream cheese on a bagel with coffee?
Tesla: no you runt! cheese IN coffee.
kid: Philadelphia invented the light bulb, not you.
Tesla: Benjamin Franklin was fat.

* Phoenix: can you put on some clothes on the set, man?
Tesla: these are my pajamas. i wear them around the mansion.
Phoenix: what's with the Twain bust?
Tesla: whenever i answer the Batphone, it calls me an idiot.

* Twain bust: she was the type of woman who has a parrot.
Toucan Sam: i turned green from eating Froot Loops.
Twain bust: what do men what? Joan of Arc, that's who men want...…...the laws were different back then...

* Tesla on a Mad Max platform:
Tesla: GO! THAT COW!
all the women hop the fence and run away from the compound.

* Tesla: are these cows or dogs?
Phoenix: wrong commercial.

* Tesla: what is this!?
worker: sorry, a pot got in the way of the chive.
Tesla: this isn't Boondocks chive!

* Tesla hugs a large wood barrel vat.
Tesla: oh! this makes me feel like i'm in a Super Bowl commercial!

* taxman: we're here for your taxes...put him in chains...
Tesla: yeah, it's either taxes, Clydesdales, or beer. or a Charlie Sheen cameo.


happy Championship weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: when you think of Burger King, you think of one thing: CHEDDAR IS BETTER

Monday, January 13, 2020


where it rightfully belongs. its forever home planet. in tribute to the eternal bi-alien love between Odo and Kira. till death do them part, but no one ever really dies as Star Wars teaches us. even if one of them does dies, Odo can just shapeshift again and get out of it. an unbreakable bond these two have, a forever love written in the syndicated stars...

1. would you rather have one nipple or two belly buttons?

two belly buttons so when the schoolyard bully comes at me with, "are you an innie or an outie?" i can assert, "both". he is so taken aback the bully removes his eye scar and he transfers to public school. and i score the alien babe who secretly teaches us P.E. and uses the kickball diamond as a staging area. this schoolyard is located in the PhD department...

one nipple so all my Total Recall Green Bay cheeseheads can all clump together from the cold after graduate school, and watch that Abigail Spencer sex tape where she exquisitely lithely lightly brushes her nipple with the tip of her finger like a pro.

2. would you rather always feel like someone is following you, but no one is, or always feel like someone is watching you, even though no one is?

knowing me i'd get stuck with the least desirable option: wanting to be followed by Trent Reznor and watched by Sting but it turns out nobody is there...



3. would you rather have sex in a cave frequented by tourists or sex in a tree house in your parents' back yard?

first option will go down exactly like this:

i'm in the cave, i get a call. the call. THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CAVE!!! it's the Hall of Fame fat guy in a beige sportcoat, he tells me i've finally been selected as an official member of the Playboy Club. i should be overjoyed and ecstatic---my lifelong dream has been achieved---but it's just not the same that Hugh is not the one presenting it to me. i'd even take shaking Hugh's blue-hologram hand. and then it hits me, i turn around and notice all these cave babes are actually mermaids. i look at their tails instead of their eyes. it's not quite an Adventure Time revival but i'll take it.

second option is what the Simpsons children did with their gradeschool sweethearts after they realized they never grew and were actually 30 freakin' years old!!!

4. would you rather be unable to use search engines or unable to use social media?

look, let's face it, social media has permanently destroyed the world. we shall never trust each other again.

if only Google that one time had sent me to the links for ANALYTICS instead of ANAL my life would have turned out differently. i would have quietly worked for ESPN in the Numbers Room. Google sent me a letter trying to apologize but the damage had been done. they did steer me to ALAN but it was Alan Resnick...

5. would you rather get one free round trip international plane ticket every year or be able to fly domestic anywhere for free?

i'm sorry but i don't trust travel agencies. i will only go to the Caymans if i get that coupon from Burger King that i won their Caymans Contest With The King. i have never understood round-trip: why the HELL would you ever want to go back home!!?


Friday, January 10, 2020



* Pinocchio: wait, were we meeting at Denny's or IHOP?
Samantha: does it really matter?

* Pinocchio: you look like a Heather, do you get that a lot? has anyone ever told you that?
Samantha: excuse me, i'm the queen of sex, the fucker of queen bees, i can hold my own against any man and i ALWAYS end up on top, honey. i'm not a drug-addled ex-cop.

* Samantha: you're Pete Nocchio?
Pinocchio: Nocchio, from the Italian for gelatin...
Samantha: so you're telling me in the light you're Boone from Lost?
Pinocchio: what a boon you randomly found me on the vast internet! hey wait, what's with all the treehouse wallpaper here? is this a children's library?
Samantha: later, that's Japanese nochio.

* Pinocchio: the pic was a professional headshot.
Samantha: look at the sticker on my sweater, you think i'm an idiot? yeah, i'm sure that's it.
Pinocchio: i mean i'm a famous star, have you heard of Geico commercials?

* Samantha: why is your nose growing?
Pinocchio: i'm excited to see you i mean meet you. you are so beautiful...

* Pinocchio: i'm doing a juice cleanse.
Samantha: Patty Schnyder was my friend you know!
Pinocchio: only apples! cored apples! no oranges i swear! only Orange Juliuses! Juliusii?

* waitress: hey director! cut! can i have a line here?
Phoenix: sure.
waitress: i want to say, YOU FUCKER! to Pinocchio when he spills all my tray water with his stupid long wood nose.
Phoenix: i like your vibe, go for it.
Pinocchio: hey that's cool, you did what Brad Pitt did in his first role in front of the camera as an unknown actor, he spoke up and intonated a line that wasn't in the script for him. Brad was playing a waiter. and you see where Brad Pitt is now, winning that dang Golden Globe and snogging Sharon Osbourne.
waitress: i won't end up another cliche waitress trying to be an actress. imma play Janet in the Three's Company revival...

* Pinocchio: so does that count as me hydrating for the week?

* Dave Lister: first day on set at the Red Dwarf revival and MY how far Rimmer has fallen.
Pinocchio: i always wanted to return to my original human form...

* Pinocchio: drat! and i was just about to impress her with my spooky knowledge of Bruegel's painting "Hunters In The Snow" from the film Melancholia. this WASN'T a children's library!

* Pinocchio: does anyone have a power sander?
*empty set, wood-eating crickets*
Pinocchio: i guess i gotta get my nose down myself. i'll be in the bathroom...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: okay i gotta say, even I gotta admit, this is gonna be one bitchin' weekend! i mean you got the simmering silver season finale of Infinity Train tonight, Action Jackson finally in playoff action for the Ravens tomorrow, and then on Sunday/Monday, Mike Tyson Mysteries returns!!!!!

Wednesday, January 8, 2020


Chris Matthews: World War 3. let's play Hardball!!!

President Bump looks down at his shaking finger. the finger starts to move without him, swirling in a wild discordant direction counterclockwise, flipping his gold hair up and side-to-side.

Bump: father said there'd be days like this. i can't stop the shaking! this is beyond my magic i mean my powers. he comes through clear as day, i remember him and it as if it were yesterday:

Codrus really appears to Bump in the present right now:

Codrus: it went something like this: i told you: hey, you, there are gonna be days when everything goes wrong. no matter what decision you make, you'll lose. the day and your paltry life.

Bump: what button do i push!? the twitter button or the red button?

Codrus: either way, i win.

Bump pushes the red button on an ornate gold-plated-skeleton music box made in Russia delivered personally by Putin himself as Bump's only Christmas gift. instead of a ballerina popping out when the 30-minute dirge ended, a little puppet of Putin in Snoke makeup popped out to make Bump sigh and feel better about himself.

Bump: i know this is the button which will launch the tiny missiles which will hit the tiny helicopters which will cause WWIII. not cool, God! if this is your idea of a sick joke to make me join Weight Watchers, it won't work! i will be fat! i know this is a TRICK QUESTION! you're testing me! there are no cultural sites in Iran except the Cradle of Civilization. but it seems there is no choice, there's no point being President if you can't make the choice, if the choice is made for you. there have been casualties on both sides...

Bump pushes the red button, the box becomes Pandora's Box...

at an Iranian desert outpost, George Clooney comes out from behind the shed in full-regalia costume, he has salt-and-pepper hair now from his own age rather than makeup.

Clooney: are you sure about this?

the Iranians: it's fine, it's fine, we're pranksters at heart. our rock concerts are crazy.

Clooney: it's just...i got this plastic sword and everything...i know i said i'd do anything for World Peace, i signed the contract without the blindfold. i was feeling a little useless after my wife---who could play The Queen---won that UN award. i know the real Soleimani huffed it outta here and is hiding in a bunker somewhere in the World Desert, he is still The Big Chese, not me. i'm just the proxy. he has the 8 babies, i, me, well, i started my family late in life. it's just...i'm not real good improvising in front of a camera on live tv. how about i just leave you a case of my drink and leave. you need drink in the desert. whether it's the coffee or the wine, either will do, what you need is the drink of distraction.

Greta Thunberg flies in the sky. she flies all around all the world's skies. no wings of any kind, she just flies. a strong gold glow emanates from her core...

Greta: my legs use the power of thunder!!!

Mrs. Slocombe is seated at The Golden Globes next to Ricky Gervais:

Slocombe: i wanted to use minge, too. but minge isn't another word for cat.

Pat Sajak: so my daughter's taking over. but honey, don't go down the Vanna route.

daughter: i know, pops, showbiz is a rough business.

Pat: no, the Playboy thing.

Alex Trebek: anyone else find it strange you have the regular Jeopardy shows on at 7PM and then an hour later you have the 8PM special GOAT Jeopardy show? i don't care, i got to FINALLY say bitching on tv!

on the ESPN Ticker, it says Joel Embiid will not play against the Celtics.

Stephen A: why NOT, big fella!?

Embiid: cos i don't wanna!

Stephen A: okay.

a cow skedaddles and slowly runs to the center of the NFL field, where he hugs the 50-yard-line, plops his big ass and himself and his lain udders thud right down there on the center lane and begins tenderly chewing on the grass. not like it's cud, like it's the staff of life. this cow is getting on in years, and eats the grass accordingly, as if it could be his last meal. that grass is so good this time, it's not rote. the cow begins crying and his tears fall from his eyes to water the grass of the NFL field, as if the cow knows that this beautiful singular experience is happening now and ONLY NOW

Scott Morrison takes the lectern. a wood lectern that's on fire.

Scomo: look, Australia. i don't appreciate being called Scomo! it sounds like Scum! Boris, back me up here. wait, you voted for the resolution!?

Boris Johnson: hey, i was the butt of the world's jokes for months now! it's someone else's damn turn! i had the funny name. now i'm Bojo and you're Scomo!

at the Treehouse:

Madame Pons: cat familiars! where are you!?

cats: we're here. call us Minge and AYBS. the other one gets flack and fur for that name, gets mercilessly called SOB.

Pons: okay, just want to remind you i got you your pouch of wet cat food for the biweek. see, i never noticed this before, all the wet-cat-food pouches are all FISH! no CHICKEN! it's like a wedding list at the Catskills! i'm sure you want chicken by now, right? so i switched brands...

cats: just kidding btw. those aren't our names, we have names but we forgot them, they're too tedious and constricting for our largeness and largesse.

there's a big wedding happening, as these things tend to at the end of a season. Finn is marrying Rey, much to the chagrin of Kylo who's in the audience---on both sides of the aisle. the flower girl is of course Carrie Fisher's daughter---course not curse---. and Lorde plays in the background.

Lorde: sorry, is this the Power Rangers funeral?

Kylo: i've controlled my rage since then, i go to couples therapy alone now. the fact that the aisle is split in two is NOT the result of my swinging lightsaber.

Finn: are you sure you want to do this, girl?

Rey: i mean, not really, but...i fit the profile of a pleaser...

Finn: i know about profiling. want to smoke my pipe with me?

Rey: i'm afraid of carbon-monoxide poisoning. look, man, you're a nice guy and everything, we're mates. but...…...i've been fucking my brother in the movie. the dude is WideBoy, i couldn't see anybody but him!

Finn: you and Kylo? WideBoy and WifeBoy? okay, okay, i will not get angry. rule #1: never show anger to the fans on twitter, you're a celebrity, you do NOT have to respond. it's cool, it's just...Poe is with Palpatine...and i was gonna have the same power as you in one draft so we'd be related. we're all doing our part to make the final Star Wars script better.

a dark arm from the darkness touches Finn's shoulder. it's The Master.

The Master: i prefer to be called Indian Mulder. don't be disappointed, mate, i'll show you how to get The Force i mean a spark so you can win Rey over in no time.

Finn: it's too late now. it's over.

The Master: i'll show you the ropes. it might involve ropes. oh hillew, oh Doctor Who, can you come over here and get on your knees?

Jodie Whittaker jumps from the wedding crowd in her overalls.

Jodie: i'm a feminist, they fuck the dirtiest, cos they can. sure, i'll play your little S&M game. knowing full well that it's I who's always in control. okay, little man, what do you want me to do? where do you want me to be?

The Master: get on your knees, look up at my eyes, and say my name.

Jodie: Indian Mulder.

Finn: yeah i gotta admit, that was hot.

The Master: see, it's all about submission and dominance. the boss is the one with the charge card. the M stands for Master and the S stands for Scully. make sure your safe word is the true real name of The Doctor. now the only drawback is you can't think of her while you're masturbating cos she'll know, she'll see that same image of her in her mind, she's the Doctor.

also guests are JJ Abrams, Dominic Monaghan, and Evangeline Lilly:

JJ: that's JJ, my name isn't Jar Jar Abrams. what happened?

Dominic: with the reviews?

JJ: no, with my lens flares.

Dominic: sorry bout that, the spider that's named after me crawled in front of the lens...

Evangeline: i can't believe that line worked on me. i was wet behind the ears, from all the water surrounding us, Lost was my first big gig. i guess i held onto you for support during those tricky first years of a successful production. the thing was, our relationship was purely show-based---True Showmance---we actually had no relationship outside of the show.

Dominic: you never went nude, i had to become a nudist against my will to maintain balance and chi. luckily we were on an island. what line!? what i said was true: you are an angel sent from heaven walking the earth and you are more beautiful than a flower...your face is like if a flower sneezed and all the pollen landed.

Dom: hey JJ, buddy, i stuck with you through the bad times. and the sad times. and the lean times. we gotta get that Lost revival in place...i'm not really working at the feet are killing me...

Gaucelm: lover! i got a proposition for you!

Llywarch: uh oh here we go.

Gaucelm: we can kiss, one last passionate time. on our tongues! we can lock hooves. but then i have to disappear forever!

Llywarch: why must love be impossible?

Gaucelm: too much static. electricity.

they snog. and Gaucelm disappears. but to Gaucelm, it is Llywarch who disappears.

Rubikon: impossible. just like Instagram. i've figured out Instagram. it will help me when we launch our voting blitz on their platform. campaigns aren't about analytics, they're about feelings. crazy feelings. Instagram is crazy people talking to other crazy people...

the crones pass by the singular Salvadoran mom-and-pop joint, now at the mall:

Doryce: so it seems they're branching! expanding! franchising! i just hope they keep the old recipes from the Country Back Home.

they enter the McDonald's and everyone erupts and yells SURPRISE!!! everyone is there, eating with cake on their shoulder, and wearing their tiny Grimace birthday hats with the string around the neck.

Gladyce: don't put that on me, i got a turkey neck, it'll never come off!

all the workers are there. and there's a big Christmas tree in the chrome corner of the McDonalds, white from all the vanilla shakes poured on top of its branches from flipped cups. decorated ornamented with McDonaldland cookies on strings. and the fuzzy green on top isn't mistletoe, it's pot. in the back of the kitchen...

Gladyce: HEY! it's the cute girl from the bbq joint! hola, como estas? it's all Spanish in the end.

girl: it's all Salvadoran. remember what i taught you with the stirring spoon? here's your sweetback, now STIR that motherfucking huge vat of liquid gold!

Gladyce is stirring a big chrome vat of...……

Doryce: *smelling into it* THE STUFF THEY MAKE THE MCDONALD'S HOLIDAY PIES WITH! that gooey yellow filling!!! i thought you guys had forgotten the holiday pies this year!

McDonald's: Feliz Navidad!

Doryce: look what else, dear. put on your blindfold. smell that?

Gladyce: it's a Big Mac.

Doryce: but one without the toy middle bun, that bun is your gift, your new Christmas toy! and notice the buns.

Gladyce: *squeezes Doryce's derriere* firm as ever.

Doryce: *smileful playful slap-away* no, the buns are special. they're made with that specific wheat flavor of Oroweat grain you love.

Gladyce: the soft kind? with all the calories intact and the butter down the middle of the loaf!? THANK YOU, my eternal! i love you! i do wish they would spell wheat right, i can't find it at The Store!

the two kiss in the middle of the room and everyone---workers and weightwatchers alike---rise up from their booths and clap. the workers decide to close up early so everyone on the planet can enjoy a day of love like this.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh...what could have been!? thanks to Pam Grier all black women---and white women for that matter---could all be wearing fros NOW! the fro would be the only hairstyle women ever wore!

Eye: how glorious! i hate straightening my hair to look goth.

Tyzik: Macaulay Culkin could be happily married right now to Trini from the Power Rangers! and Boris Johnson wouldn't have won the Election if video nasty had never happened!

Eye: The Castle of Cagliostro and go.

Laertus: torn. on the one hand it's Miyazaki's first and you start to see his turn to positivity even in this

Dirg: anime was a mistake. let's face it, Miyazaki is just a wholesome guy. his beard is whole wheat. it's weird seeing ScarJo wearing a Miyazaki T-shirt, it's like he's been to her dungeon...i just hope when they drain Master Miyazaki's pool it's not a basement.

Dirg: inkers are not writers. those dolls were sewn for nieces.

Laertus: ...on the other hand, yeah it's Lupin. i mean the original manga author said Lupin would have raped that girl not saved the princess in the castle.

Dirg: Lupin was never meant to be likable. okay, JJ Abrams?! what can you do, it's all Disney Plus now.

Tyzik: i don't miss Dragon Ball the way i miss Gundam. but i'll miss Lupin most of all leaving toonami...

Dirg: John Lasseter was influenced by this. i'll just leave that here...

Eye: one thing which made me snort out loud was when Lupin does the air-swimming mid-water from plunging down below the waterfall he's caught in, very Looney Toons. it's weird seeing Fujiko as a's just...weird she's not a redhead...

Dirg: admittedly i got excited when Fujiko starts to unzip her one-piece platoon suit...but then i forgot it's Miyazaki.

Laertus: not One Piece. the english translation?...

Dirg: shoulda just went with Windsor Castle as the title. that would have communicated the slytherin sinister dark double-dealings of the place.

Laertus: REALLY confusing that the anime company is named Manga...

Eye: akogare no Paris, the Paris of our dreams. Lourdes. where it's just art and magic and no gangs. fetishized.

Dirg: where the marauding hordes came in primitive times to ransack and collect their lolicon collections. hey, anime thinks all Americans wear cowboy hats.

Eye: Fujiko as a lady-in-waiting? she's too impatient. we all think of Lupin heroically......heroically giving us stories of gritty realism about criminals. just give that mustache-twirler a Captain Planet ring already, Miyazaki would have loved that! he would have flipped! this proves humans will never care for the environment, they were too stupid to care that Atlantis was below them! this predicts the mess we're in now quite nicely where the World Government doesn't trust each other so they tell the truth about war and lie about trade. we'd have all been better off with autogyros, not cars. i love how Zeni and Lupin work together in this one, saves on running.

Laertus: the autogyro is the PERFECT kawaii anime aircraft...

Dirg: when Lupin trusts the girl not to squeal and she gives him water, that could have been dirty toilet water thousands of years old from Atlantis!

Eye: if you have to use drugs, it's not love. sorry, raves. that tower was both floating and had a bottomless trapdoor. see? nothing good happens when the clock strikes midnight! stealing hearts IS a crime!

Dirg: Fujiko should have posed as a weather girl, not a reporter, would have been more believable.

Eye: i love what Entertainment Tonight has done with the place, have you seen what they do now? they get real actual celebrities to co-host with them! now THAT's blurred lines! i mean now it's simple for the reporter to just live on-air shout out her crush on Henry Cavill and that she wants to meet him.

Dirg: every woman wants a superman. not a witcher.

Laertus: it's more subtle and nuanced. most want a cavalier. when they were good.

Eye: they had to go so far in the opposite direction from the moe characterization of Clarisse here that they made Clarice Jodie Foster with all the whipsmart intelligence and bright gravitas that real women have! good night, folks, i need a long hundred-year princess nap!

outside stalking the rally, the 200 motorcycles rev up their hog dust and wait for the signal:

Rubikon: wait here, fellas. and keep an eye on Linda Ronstadt, who's with us thoroughly enjoying her barbecue with greasy fingers and messy mouth riding bitch on her own bike. gah, i love women who eat!

Linda Ronstadt: *mouth full, mumbling* this tastes like Miss Piggy...

Rubikon: i'll whistle if i need ya. i want to do this alone, don't want to expose you to any unnecessary danger, you Salvadorans are too valuable to waste on him.

Rubikon storms inside where President Bump is at the lectern speaking:

Rubikon: *under his breath* do it do it say what you really want to say. *shouting voice* i'm surprised. i just heard a heckler at your own rally razz you for being impeached! wow, you're losing your touch, sir.

Bump: get him out of here! *the crowd jeers and throw their fast-food trash at Rubikon*

Rubikon: hey! black woman on stage! get the hell off the stage, your contract is up! you were a good actor, do some August Wilson next time. this is getting insidious now, it's invaded Army Football! is nothing sacred anymore? not even football? the cadets were using the o-kay white-supremacist hand gesture.

Bump: hey, i mean how are you supposed to signal okay anymore tho? that's not that, that was Order 66, gotta get rid of those Jedi, they are bad people. 66, not 666!!! i know it kinda looks like Q but it's not...whatever, let's get out of here, i'm late for jury duty...

the crowd leaves, replaced with the Dem Convention, who promptly nominate Rubikon to be their Democratic Presidential Candidate for 2020. Rubikon comes dressed for the occasion in his MTailor tan suit...

and gives his first speech as the newly-christened man:

Rubikon: i am humbled, and chastened. i will be your man and your woman. i will get the surgery i need to fix this country. i will be your servant. i am here for one reason and one reason alone: to get rid of those horrid Fox News links. right? no matter WHAT subject you search for, the damn Fox News link to that story is always fucking FIRST on your start page! not just news, sports and pop culture, too! that is downright DYSTOPIAN!!!

in the future, every new President of the United States does two things on their first day: they or she or he sign their First 100 Days into law, throw a gay wedding, then get ready that same first day for their impeachment trial that night...