Monday, May 30, 2022



that OO up there looks like the infinity symbol...

today is macaroon day. macaroon NOT macaron the French cookie. did you know if you search macaroon a bunch of pictures of the macaron pop up? it takes a deeper dive to find a single photo of the coconutty mini cake.

did you know that the word macaroon comes from the Italian word maccarone meaning "paste".

on with the MACAROON celebration for TMI Tuesday:

1. have you eaten a macaroon? did you like it? the MACAROON? why yes, yes i have, it means paste and i love eating paste, that habit carried over from my childhood grade-school. yes i am reminded of KFC when i eat them cos they look like cute little tiny biscuits. i mean is it any wonder cute little tiny adorable Macron won reelection?...

2. do you prefer the coconut macaroon or the original almond-paste version?

in honor of my mom today i am choosing coconut. coconut is my mom's favorite. everything. she buys coconut icemilk pops, coconut truffle-chocolates, coconut earrings. she wrings the coconut milk from the coconut husk with her bare long curly fingernail.  

i mean i don't get paste. you're supposed to eat paste not use it to glue your pasta-art project together. elbow macaroni was never meant to be consumed, it's too hard to cook, that wheat bulgur is like a brick. elbow macaroni is meant to ART only, for art only, to fill its tiny holes with glue...

3. have you made macaroons? share your recipe if you'd like:

1. go down to The Store
2. there meet the crones, Doryce and Gladyce. give those two a big wet hug, they love that. they're friendly witches, they won't bite.........well Doryce will bite you sexually but only if you ask nicely. 
3. pick up a bag of macaroons


4. to jazz up a basic macaroon---egg whites, sugar, and coconut---which of the following will you add?
a) chocolate
b) fresh fruit or fruit preserves
c) candy
d) cinnamon

it's gotta be Jubilee Jam this week!!! Jubilee Jelly, the Queen's private stash she keeps stuffed under her skirt. 

it's not real egg whites unless you WHIP them in a COPPER bowl. this is so cathartic, you really need to try it. it gets out all your worldly frustrations and it got me so horny once i wrote a letter right then and there on my oak workbench on perfumed paper and sent it with my scent to Jacques Pepin.

5. would you rather eat a macaroon or a macaron?

i'd rather eat out Macron if it meant 5 more years. i envy Macron's wife, it's cool to be the tall statuesque grand-noblewoman one in the relationship. 

Macron's wife: my husband looks like a Christmas doll.

macarons are just candy, right? i spear a macaroon with my tree branch and roast it over an open fire and i HATE camping...


Friday, May 27, 2022



* Gladyce: i cut my spell-finger fetching the paper sugar-packets YOU throw in the trash EVERYTIME, I'M the one who has to transfer them to the recycling bin, i nicked my finger on the sharp black-beans tin lid.
Doryce: i am SO sorry, dear, will you EVER forgive me? 
Gladyce: don't you know how to recycle?
Doryce: yes but i was distracted by all the farts from the black beans i ate.
the next day
Mardith: sorry.
Doryce: DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO RECYCLE?!!! you NEVER put the sugar packets in the TRASH!!!
Doryce: i'll get over this but i need a week. i'll be in an angry huff for a week.

* Majordomo Rib: Adam wishes...

* Majordomo Rib: Adam wishes he was Devo...

* Takahashi: i'm going to the hospital.........don't worry, it's gonna be a SICK skateboard move!!!

* Majordomo Steakhouse in Los Angeles: it's weird cos we have the rarest steak in the world.........that is, the rarest steak that's cooked well-done. but it looks like we're located in the inner city, in the ghetto...

* Hanks Kerchiefs: competition for Melissa Maker Towels

* Justin Trudeau: i got a phoenix tat on my upper arm, i got inked on my shoulderbone, i'm NEVER giving up Canada!!!   

* Puck from Real World: San Francisco: yep, that's me in the The Church "Under The Milky Way" music video...

* Enceladus: a lot of enchiladas are eaten on the surface of me, i'm a saucy Spanish satellite...

* the French Open: the PGA Championship of tennis

* chiliwood: cold chili. it's chili because of the chiles, not because it's chilly. 
Norma Desmond with her crazy Norma-Desmond eyes: oh dahlin i know chiliwood, Hollywood is one COLD place...

* Alcaraz: i'm your new person. right? i'm your new boy, your new man, your new Sampras, your new Federer. your new all-around player you follow now as tennis moves forward, as the next generation ups. i pushed Djokovic around!!! i pushed Nadal around!!! i had those two legends panting and scratching their heads. that's sexy, man. that's sexy. call me Carlitos no matter how old i get. Carlitos's way.

* Church Lady from SNL: *smirk and smushed-up face* Church Lads? i don't trust the adults in charge of the Church Lads...

* Candace Cameron Bure: fine, i'm in the Exposé "Point of No Return" music video...

* Bank of America Merrill Investing: Museum
teacher tour-guide: yeah i'm a teacher not a tour guide. though this dinosaur museum is fascinating. i love looking at T-Rex bones for hours staring at those black hollow eyes waiting for the ruby to show up. hey remember when Cartoon Network did live-action? that one show filmed at this very museum with the teenage boy tryna be Nic Cage Jr.? investing your money is wise and all, but i've made enough money in bonds not stocks to bring Robin Williams back to life...

* Serena Williams: you have to be a superwoman to get by in modern society. whether you're a firewoman, a mom who drives from the back of the minivan, or a tennis superstar, you need this migraine medicine. it comes in a cute Alka-Seltzer packet. UBRELVY is so powerful Roger Federer is FINALLY gonna unretire this Halloween...

* Johnny Davis at the NBA Draft: i'm like a combination of Steph Curry, Seth Curry, and one of the Balls.........don't get too excited, the Toasted Cheddar Chalupa at Taco Bell isn't a new thing, it's just coming back.

* Carl's Jr. Primal
Phoenix: me being a prehistoric creature i can relate to these cheetah dinosaurs running around 100mph destroying all the Carl's Jr. and Hardee's roofs. i don't like this commercial just cos the blonde in it is, like, INSANELY hot. 
blonde: i don't think the velociraptor is here for the burger.
Dan Cortese: wait, let me finish the new Primal Burger from Carl's Jr.
blonde: so you can get your strength to punch the velociraptor in the nose?
Dan Cortese: no, i just like eating slow, taking the time to enjoy it, to savor all the meats. look, i didn't get Red Rocket, i got THIS.

happy weekend, my babies. 

TOMORROW: the new Primal Burger from Carl's Jr. i need to start watching that adult cartoon Primal, i skipped it on first run cos i don't like blood and violence but those adult-swim youtube clips are getting me intrigued...

i mean look at those meats!!! look at all those meats!!! all the meats in the Primal Burger: hamburger, ham, burger, pastrami, Boar's Head, salami, salame, Salome, roast beef, and pineapple cos everyone knows velociraptors love pineapple.


Wednesday, May 25, 2022




all flags are at half-mast.
JFK: times are tricky. these mass shootings are a pandemic in this country for which there is a vaccine. we are taking it from both sides right now: homegrown terrorists and those we fight overseas abroad in foreign countries. all for the cure? it's all connected, all interrelated, it's all of a piece, it's all in an effort to unsow division, fight the good fight, bring our people home. to make the world One. believe me, globalization is the only thing which can save this planet called Earth. 
Dan Aykroyd: globalism?
JFK: that's such an ugly word, Dan. cabal, coven, these labels are too easy. it's about making the tent big enough so everyone can join the secret society, so EVERYONE can join the club, the club of the global village.
Jillian Clare: my first year on the job as SAG-AFTRA president has been a doozy. a stray dog waltzed into my backyard.
Dan: it jumped the fence?
Jillian: no, knocked on my door like Three's Company. this dog has the most radiant soapy grey eyes. Alaskan Malamut. no tags, no traces, not spayed, i hate irresponsible dog owners. i was driving my jeep all morning looking for his owner. but i gave up and decided this white wolfhound was for me when he said the following:

dog: Republican ideas don't make sense.

JFK: Vietnam is ugly. it's an ugly situation. i am the President, i can DO SOMETHING. why just look at the series finale of This Is Us, everyone still wants to be President. i have an idea to get us out of Vietnam, but first i'm issuing an executive order which bans guns in this country.
Jillian: SAG supports this motion.
Dan: wait, you're going to Vietnam? KFC in Vietnam? that's a BRILLIANT idea!!!
JFK: not helping, Dan.

Venkman: i'm going to Vietnam...

at the Amber Heard/Johnny Depp trial.
Amber: i want my name first when the Trial is mentioned.
Depp: i want MY name first when the Trial is mentioned.
trial: the trial will end on May 27, Friday, to compete with opening night of Top Gun: Maverick.

Phoenix's Dutch half: the universal greeting in Amsterdam? the middle finger. but it's a fun middle finger.

Jillian Clare: i'm studying pub administration.
Monica Lewinsky: so, like, the physics of chugging beers?
Jillian: i'm also working on my trapezius muscles, a very delicate operation for a woman. 
Monica: don't get lapband surgery. a feminine flower? nah, you're a feminist feminine flower.

Rudy Giuliani: if i were a Democrat, i would have been President already...

will Zalatoris?

brasserie: no, it's not that...

Lutetia: Ancient Paris
Hotel Lutetia: good brasserie

mantul: DAMN BABY YOU LOOK REAL GOOD!!! in India

Mardith: sex on the beach is actually uncomfortable. 
Madame Pons: right? you get sand in your pants.
Mardith: i prefer to have sex without pants but i get your drift.

Anthony Albanese: i shall bring both sides together. i am friends with both Dolly Parton and the Smiths on one side AND Joy Division on the other side...

Jerry & Marge Go Large: it's not Breaking Bad. it looks like Breaking Bad but it's not Breaking Bad...

Secret Oath: *neighing* i'm not Secretariat...

USFL: there are literally NO FANS IN THE STANDS...
USFL: i mean if you win the USFL Championship, what does that mean?...

Lance Armstrong: Kaitlin Armstong is not related to me, okay?!!! she's not one of my 3 daughters...

Emma Thompson: i was set to do my first nude sex scene.........but Stephen Fry backed out at the last minute.

Chip N Dale: our new movie is cool. has there ever been a cartoon team that's one part CGI and one part old-school traditional line pencil-and-pen hand-drawn animation?

Natasha Lyonne: when you were tickling me in that SNL sketch, Freddy, it brought back old times.
Fred Armisen: of our Portland pool?
Natasha: no, the SEX!!! THE SEX, man!!! wanna get back together? for old times' sake?
Fred: it's only been a week. i do like sake tho.
Natasha: wanna just make out now for a few minutes?

Dirg: why is Japanese Breakfast Korean?...

Dirg: why do only young men from India like all the female big-booty porn pics serving as spam on Instagram?...

Martin Yan: i feel so sorry for all the ants who get stuck in oil puddles caused by my oil can and die. i hate that for those ants.

Cecily Strong: SNL is high school. every season finale is prom, we will never see our castmates classmates again.
Kyle Mooney: make no mistake, this is a business.
Cecily: bye, Kyle Bear. i'll miss you. you want me to leave the show, too, and join you?
Kyle: i'm down but i don't think Kate Lyn Sheil would like that very much...

Taylor Harry Fritz: all men now regard Harry Styles as our God...

Olive Oatman: oat milk in Alaska is better...

Gladyce cheekily makes her hot cup of coffee stirring it with her finger then quickly takes a shower so quick that the coffee is still hot when she's done with the shower...

Pete Davidson: look, i'm from the streets, okay? i get it. me and Kim K? wedding stage is a distinct possibility. baby stage.........not so much.

vision board: it will come true, trust me. believe me it does, it's just, it's not gonna happen next week. your wish might not happen for 90 years. it might only finally manifest on your deathbed.
Mardith: great. i mean i know, that's what i've been preaching. but, like, wait, i forgot, am i a witch? Madame Pons, can you make me a witch so i last immortal?
Madame Pons: i'm only a half-witch. now. for now. it's one of those things where you can't be a witch if all you want is to last forever. if all you want is to hurry. a true crone must be immoral before she can be immortal...

Dirg: i talked to my father and he said the only pretty girls i'll ever talk to are those who are trapped at home with a chronic condition.

topless woman saves pet goose from bald eagle: TONIGHT ON Inside Edition!!!

Luka Doncic: um, why is DIRK on the cover of NBA2K22?
Dirk Nowitzki: cos i'm a porn star.

Medvedev: i am against the war in what i wish i COULD say...

Steven Universe: hamburger is fancier meat than steak.

Minecoin: i was the first NFT

Doryce: here, where do you want to put the decorative chips for The Treehouse garden, dear?
Gladyce: those aren't your cow chips, right dear?

Natasha Cloud: i was named after Mario, not Princess Peach.
Aleshia Ocasio: we were destined to be together, i'm from St. Cloud, Florida...
crones: we love them cos Natasha is from Broomall.

Kingston tummy: really hungry

Mardith dumps all the rubber bands down the recycling bin...

The pimply Pope: how'd i get this itchy shiner on my bloody cheek and hairy nose? how'd you think?...

Cindy Sherman: sex to me is one big black hole...

Iveagh Gardens: the new home of Wimbledon...
Medvedev: will Russians be allowed?...

American Idol: we wanted so badly to be the Miss America Pageant of now. but it's not the '80s anymore, you can't win American Idol in 2022 and hope to launch your career...
Kelly Clarkson wearing a silver suit of armor that glows blue: i was a billion shot, i just happened to come first. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE first.

Andy Murray: hey Beto, if you get arrested leave it to me, i'll take your place and talk about Dunblane, they can't arrest me, i'm a foreigner here legally. perhaps talking in a dignified British accent will startle and jar them, jolted so much they'll change the laws. it seems so obvious and simple from across the pond. the World Pond. only your country has this problem.

Jack Dorsey: i made SURE Elon Musk bought Twitter. what a sucker, now Elon is STUCK with the mess that is Twitter!!!...
Jack Dorsey: now i can go off in my jeep and beachcomb the sand picking up beach trash as a beach bum.

Seth Green: my Bored Ape NFT FINALLY brought down Robot Chicken, i can't pay for the show anymore...
Kevin Bacon: hey i saw a poster of your Bored Ape NFT on the subway...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Peter Frampton: nothing at all. that is, "Nothing At All", my song.
Liz Phair: your song "Nothing At All" inspired my song "Never Said Nothing". except you rode your bicycle to your song, i rollerbladed to my song inside a hydroponic arboretum...
Peter Frampton: i don't get it, i'm in a greenhouse but i'm not feeling hot...
Peter: but feeling warm globally...
Liz: um, those overhead sprinklers keep the plants wet to keep the organic carrots crunchy.
Liz: old man, think of it as a mist. you know, a sauna you oldies love to squeeze into a phonebooth for?
Peter: young miss i know not of this mist, if it's cum to which you are referring that misting is hot and white and more of a shower.

Eye: The Night Before from 1988 and go.
JFK: i'd just like to reiterate to all the prom kids out here that sex is NOT where it's at. sure it's fun to fuck in the back of a limo but then what do you do with the pregnancy? i'm opening up more abortion clinics each day but girlie you're gonna have to tell your dad ONE day. like that Madonna "Papa Don't Preach" video. i'll have a special guest for you at the last dance...

Kenau Reeves: sorry, this is the most generic movie title of all time.
Jack from Lost: not necessarily. the time-travel flashbacks and flashforwards utilized here in this film are revolutionary...

Laertus's dad: this is right where i live. the '80s and prom. i think back to that Saturday Night Live episode with the moonlit NYC skyline in the back where Julia Louis-Dreyfus describes in her poofy '80s prom dress how her prom sucked. 
Laertus: thanks, dad. a lot of tragedy emanates from this film. let's start with Theresa Saldana:

Theresa Saldana: yeah i'm salty like sardines. it's a miracle i stand before you today right now alive. i got cut up by a madman, he stabbed me right in the neck. this Scottish stalker thought himself an angel of death, an angel of Mercy. why did MY stalker have to be Scottish? 
Andy Murray: don't pan the camera over to MY face. Mercy Murray? no, it wasn't me. i didn't do it. i consider myself an angel of RIGHTEOUS ANGER, of causes, someone who protests and gets things done...

Theresa Saldana: working with Scorsese, the worst decision of my career!!! worst decision of my life!!! cos it almost cost me my life. I'M NEVER MOVING TO MONTEREY, CALIFORNIA AGAIN!!! my stalker story was made into the first Lifetime movie. and i did an episode of Hunter based on my real-life stalker story.
Garrett Morris from SNL: and i want to thank you for that. audiences got to see that i could do serious drama, too.
Theresa Saldana: do you know how traumatizing it was to act out all the stalking scenes that happened to me in real life for a fictional tv show? all that pain was retriggered in me, revisited upon me. tho it was cathartic to shoot the show-stalker dead with a gun.
Stepfanie Kramer: Stepfanie is exotic, Stephanie is just Stefanie.
Zoe Saldana: no relation. but i have my own trauma.

Theresa Saldana: huh, whaddaya know, it's Hollywood and i'm a woman. an ETHNIC woman looking for a part in a movie. and the only role available is to play a hooker...

Laertus: and Trinidad Silva:

Trinidad Silva: what did i do to deserve this? what short end of the straw did i draw? i mean i was already a short man, you know how humiliating it is to be a Spanish short man? you can't even be a Mexican boxer when you're short, you have to go to the Philippines and run for office for that. i dreamt of being a Luchadora. my name is already a rad wrestler name. why was my life cut short in a car accident? i was just getting started in life with a wife and young kid...
Weird Al Yankovic on the UHF set: i don't know, it's an unspeakable horrific tragedy. with my fro i tried out for that Bob Ross Lifetime movie. they said i didn't have enough magic in my audition...

Keanu: you'll notice that we don't actually GO TO THE PROM. you don't SEE what our actual prom looks like. what our prom is.
JFK: i shall remedy this. kids, everyone, follow me to your prom.
Keanu and Lori's class all migrate over to the cafeteria where the prom is being held.
JFK: it's nice and cold in here.
streamers tape to the corners of the ceiling, in lieu of basketball lines lines are drawn in sugar not chalk circling the oven and the microwave oven. gangrenous green smoke and hazy orange smoke fill the air indoors up to the ceiling filling all the green and orange balloons up there. there's not a lot of space to dance cos the long table in the middle of the room takes up a lot of space.
Gordon Ramsay: ...
JFK: but that just means when you crazy kids dance you'll be VERY close to each other, cheek to cheek bodies squeezed together to form one body. a tux melted into a gown. as you can see in place of the disco ball we have a loud whirring swirring swirling whirling helicopter rotor encircling the room back and forth taking up the air with a wind so fierce all the girls' skirts lift up. that's intentional. it's meant to remind you of the horror going on right now in Vietnam, that's not a green helicopter, it's a spackled mottled chopper.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: i mean this IS the '80s...
JFK: and now kids and dancers and no DJ, turn your attention to the front of the stage as i present my special guest who will put a scare into you, Ms. Sasha Grey!!!

the prom erupts in cheer.
Sasha Grey: prom pron porn. thank you. look, i know you think prom is fun but prom sucks. fucking is not fun for me, sex is my business. i was right where you were right now. a "couple" of years ago. the man is long gone, my date AND my dad. i don't want you to end up a cliche. a statistic. i had a prom baby. yep, i had romantic intercourse in the velvety backseat of a limousine and i delivered the baby right there, it spilled out of my vagina onto the velvet cushion of the backseat. she was the most beautiful baby i had ever seen, had my shiny forehead, that face was GOLDEN GODDESS!!! i named her Sahur Of The Dawn. luckily as always with these small towns there's a church next to the whorehouse that was used for our prom so i entered a religious institution for the first time. there i became a vitralista to pay for my baby's life. so she could have a nice life. with me. turns out i'm a RAD stained-glass worker, my stained-glass window art sells for BILLIONS on Instagram!!!  
the prom audience claps politely like they're the crowd attending a classical-music concert.
Sasha: oh and i'll be your DJ for this night of yours tonight but the only song i'll be spinning on these here ol' turntables will be "The End" by The Doors...

Suzanne Snyder: i know i look like Cynthia Geary from Northern Exposure but i'm not. has Mississippi ever won an Emmy? i was in Weird Science.
Keanu: was that movie weird?
Suzanne: i'm not sure whether you're cute cos you look dumb and can't say your lines or are you just young and inexperienced as an actor?
Keanu: both.

Keanu: i can't act. i don't know what i'm doing.
Alex Winter: relax, buddy, go with the flow, man, just be you, be Keanu, be Zen. 

Laertus's dad: i do appreciate this storytelling method, this dazzle device. it's cool, it's different. you pick up scenes in a flashback scene and then the watcher has to piece the puzzle pieces together in their mind to glue the narrative into a whole, it's of a piece with the Great American Novel.

Keanu: what is my destiny? what is my web?
Tito: you will go on to become the Internet's Boyfriend. i should have become king of the Tostinos pizza-roll empire making off with a king's ransom. instead, electric cars didn't arrive in time...
Keanu: is it all a dream?
Tito: it was for me.

Keanu: i'm the first member of the Astronomy Club who doesn't wear scotch-taped-up glasses.
Lori Loughlin: look, Keanu, don't make me use the word swell in an actual conversation in real life. you're not the type of boy i usually go to prom with. i mean, you're a dork. but when i look at your face, i mean you're KINDA handsome?...

dad: and this is the part of the movie where i take out my long guns from my skinny wardrobe, polish them with my tongue, to scare you and all the other of my Jewish princess's potential suitors.
JFK: not cool right now, sir.
Lori: i'm not Jewish, i'm a jailbird.
dad: you do NOT want to mess with the Jewish mafia. 
Keanu: why o why did i have to get involved with the daughter of the CHIEF OF POLICE?!!! WAH WAH.

Jillian Clare: oh look! it's my friend Patrika Darbo from Days of our Lives!!! as the woman on the public payphone describing a blowjob in great detail!!! she looks GOOD in Jem!!!

Tiny Lester: i'm in this movie as always as the bit part of the saloon owner. barman extraordinaire. don't look at my eye, my muscley chest is down here. what'll it be?
Keanu: tequila. in fact give me the WHOLE agave plant i'm a man!!!

Keanu: come on, dance with me, Lori Loughlin, i'm wearing a white jacket like Humphrey Bogart.

Keanu: you know most people are murdered by someone they know.
Theresa Saldana: not cool, chico.
Keanu: hey but anyways why did you become a hooker?
Theresa Saldana: well first of all look at my tits. yeah. and second, i've.........had a rough life. a rough REAL life.

Parliament Funkadelic: this was a cool gig. no jive. John Belushi wants us to perform at his private party next week...

Lori: are you stupid? do you not know what a magnet does?
Keanu: yeah, you put it on an icebox to keep the beers cold.

Laertus: all you need is Los Angeles, nothing more, i love it. downtown L.A. provides the backdrop if you need mean streets, the ghetto, the setting for the poor, the place where you are only allowed to search for a missing person at 3AM. Beverly Hills provides the mansions, the rich life, swimming pools. filled swimming pools.
Dirg: yuck.
Eye: Beverly beaver.

parking validation: i don't need no validation. as an actor i'm ON THE SAME LEVEL as Kenau Reeves right now!!! think about it!!! i'm running lines with this awkward gangly kid and i'm the more confident one, this guy who will be.........NEO!!!

at the diner
Keanu: is Alice here? or is this a David Lynch diner?
Alice: what will i cook, handsome?
Keanu: where am i?
Alice: you better pay with BetterPay or you'll be doing dishes till there's an ingested Tide Pod in every home.
Keanu: i just want a plain non-glazed donut. i'm already glazed. glazed over. okay fine, i want a cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger...

Keanu: okay so i sold my date into prostitution for $100. but that's a lot of money in the '80s.
Theresa Saldana: who are you, James Caan? and who is she, Sarah Jessica Parker?!!!

Keanu: let me smell your breath.
Danny Boy breathes on Keanu Reeves.
Danny Boy: this is kinky.
Keanu: you are seedy.
Danny Boy: yeah i smell of seed, i just ate some sunflower seeds from the vending machine.
Keanu: are you a pimp?
Danny Boy: yes and no. i'm a car pimp.

Keanu: here's my plan. i'll use this cigarette-lighter that looks like a gun to fool the pimp into thinking it's a real gun. i got it from the vending machine downstairs in the lobby of the apartment the pimp lives at...
pimp: don't worry, i've never seen that vending machine in all the years i've lived here and i don't smoke. a lighter in the shape of a real gun, what will the wonders of science grant us next!!!

Lori Loughlin: so the producers said i had to wear a white bra and panties even though it's not necessary within the framework of the scene for me to do so to make the scene work.
Keanu: here, take my miniskirt and tubetop.
Lori: i mean it's a miniskirt and a tubetop, if you're gonna wear a miniskirt and a tubetop you might as well just wear panties and a bra.

Keanu: Lori Loughlin, you are handcuffed to the bed. get used to being in handcuffs.
Lori: so it takes a feat of strength to lug around this entire iron headboard of this iron bed and still be chained to it. i sawed it off from the bedframe with my tongue. this headboard will be good practice for me when i get an Italian husband...

Lori Loughlin: i don't care if i go to jail later in life, i kissed Keanu Reeves IN THE MOUTH!!!

Lori Loughlin: shit, there are no more answering machines in the world.........i can't lie anymore. g'night folks.

JFK boards a helicopter bound for Vietnam. as the chopper tries to land on the helipad two GIANT comets of stanky purple and orange napalm whizz by the chopper ricocheting off its blades and scraping the paint off the sides. the heli tumbles round and round and around...
JFK: oh.........shit i get carsick!!! turn this car around!!! i mean LAND!!!

JFK: where's Dan Aykroyd? we crashed but don't worry i will replant these trees personally. they are palm trees after all. who fired those enemy shots?
the Viet Cong in the prom crowd deep in the jungle remain silent as JFK takes the stage.

JFK: okay this is what i'm gonna do. hey Viet Cong, LOOK AT ME!!!
the Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In hollywood-squares tic-tac-toe grid is wheeled onto the stage. JFK punches a hole in the center diamond and comes out with a sockpuppet on his hand.
the Viet Cong laugh cheerily.

this gives JFK just enough time to distract them, long enough to get every last American soldier out of those impossible Vietnam jungles.
JFK: these woods are nice actually, good vacation spot when this thing blows over. okay, mission accomplished.
JFK hanging by the helicopter hatch open taking in a fierce galestorm wind: we never should have started this war in the first place. 
The Byrds "Turn Turn Turn" plays them out.



Monday, May 23, 2022



1. what made the best sex partner you've ever had so good?

the listening, learning, and doing. i listened to her. she told me EXACTLY what she NEEDED in bed. the sex had to be just right for her to orgasm. i wrote copious notes in the margins of my Gideon Bible that night until it became a book cipher. she was Jada Pinkett and she required very specific sex. i became elastic that night. later, we nailed that scene in Jason's Lyric, the naked lovemaking in the magic pink weeping-willow swamp...

2. what made the worst sex partner you've ever had so bad?

i was excited cos Mr. Bean was joining us for a threesome. but all night she only seemed interested in doing it in a yellow British Mini car...

3. who was the most physically attractive person you've ever had sex with?

Jennifer Pizarro

4. how was it? like tapping into the source of all of the universe's Love Energy. understanding the Meaning of Life as a basic infinite reductive concept of one part 1980s and ALL the body parts of one purple Jennifer Pizarro in a bed of black holes and stars. when you get ONE CHANCE for your ENTIRE LIFE to do it over. when the time machine becomes nostalgic...

5. who was the least attractive person you've ever had sex with?

Gilbert Gottfried God rest his soul

6. why'd you do it? i was desperate to get on Saturday Night didn't matter which season, SNL in any form...

7. how was it? 

Gilbert taught me so much. he was the most selfless lover. after we fucked he turned his funny little head to caress my cheek then sprayed my face with a hard spritz of a pressurized glass water bottle and my bare butt landed on a whoopie cushion with pins. our pillow talk was thus:

Gilbert Gottfried: see when you're on that SNL stage it doesn't matter what you look like, you can transform into ANY CELEBRITY as long as you inhabit the character with your impersonation. 
me: is this true?
Gilbert: of course. look at Will Ferrell and George W. Bush, George W. Bush isn't that tall!!! look i'll show you...

and show me he did. i swear i saw Gilbert Gottfried seamlessly transform into Jimmy G from the San Francisco 49ers that day...

BONUS: describe a bad sexual experience you admit was your fault:

i'm afraid i have to cut this great sex short cos.........i have to go see the Bob's Burgers Movie in a theatre now.........this is something i am fated to do in the FUTURE...

Friday, May 20, 2022




* RORY STORY!!! come on, Rory McIlroy!!! we've waited a DAMN DECADE to see you in this position again!!! don't screw it up, Rory!!! i mean all your fans left you in droves swimming away from the isle of Ireland to join Tiger Woods back at the mainland when Tiger returned. we need Rory and Tiger in the final group on Sunday like the good ol days. Phil will make his dramatic return as the newly-elected President of Saudi Arabia...

* NHL Hockey: you shouldn't be able to touch the puck with your hand like a soccer goalie, that's cheating, you should only touch the puck with your stick.

* Cardi B: changing a diaper is EASY with long nails.........if your baby is a teddy bear.

* Greykid finally emerges from the shadows of the lawn at day when the glare of the sun hits his grey cat-eyes causing sunspots.
Greykid: i arose from my summer slumber after my whiskers sensed the scent of delicious oat raw milk...

* me: this always happens in the month of May, 7 things happen on 1 day

* me: ...and the rest of the month there's nothing happening...

* at Commencement
Billie Jean King: don't let others define you.
Mardith: yeah that's what i said...
Kamala Harris: the future godparent to your child is sitting next to you right now.
me: yes, that's the problem, i lost all my groups.

* B-Boy Blues: if you're looking for a different bike-messenger story...

* Jody Potts-Joseph: imagine my Alaskan smile through the snow as the jawbone of all the ancestors of the world. the Candle of Life is dripping from my chin...

* Joseph Papp: i was the Hugh Hefner of public theatre...

* Ashley Leggat: i know i know, sorry. i should have married Michael Seater. how cliche could i get? i was a Canadian babe tv-star actress who ended up marrying an ice-hockey player...

* Barstow: you thought i was in Northern California, didn't you?...

* Sally Yeh: think of the extensive beautiful history of Cantopop in Hong Kong which will be lost...

* Cara Delevingne: so here's the thing. i can't have sex. i can only lick legs. my version of sex is licking legs. you will NEVER spell my last name correctly...

* cumrade: it's an Australian thing

* Mardith: life hack: if your dad is intrepid enough to discover your secret Instagram with all your prom and sex pics that only your girlfriends can comment on, the least you can do is acknowledge that this comment INDEED did come from your dad by liking the comment. 
Dirg: i do this and they're not even my daughter.

* Red Power Ranger: look, there was no way i could win. i tried to fight the Department of Justice but the DOJ has Zords!!! i tried to find Zordon again in that cave by the beach but i forgot which cave it was. and which beach it was. when i got there Zordon's blue hologram had been turned off.
Zordon: i use my blue hologram now to project life on Earth, i'm employed by the universe. Zordon=Zords, you only just got that now, huh champ.
Red Ranger: i don't know if you've noticed but the world doesn't care about Power Rangers anymore. the last Power Rangers show couldn't be seen on tv, only on the Nickelodeon website.
Boris Becker: it can happen, Austin St. John, it can happen...

* Love In The Jungle: this is actually a novel concept for a reality show and i hate reality as a genre. using animal mating techniques to find love. the catch is, you can't talk. ever. cheetahs never talk when they're fucking at lightspeed. and you can't be in the tribe with that doggystyle-anal sign.

* Apple Data Auction
Ellie: i'm a girl with freckles and a jean jacket. why is everyone looking at and auctioning off my data? this auction is a suction.
auctioneer: let's look at Ellie's emails. boring.
Ellie: i only open Elon Musk's emails.
auctioneer: and her medicine cabinet is bare.
Ellie: i don't do drugs. my art is not very good because of this.
auctioneer: all her locations. you NEVER left France?!!!
Ellie: people thought i was Claudine Pepin, i had to hide out.
auctioneer: and finally, her nudes. wait who is this naked girl?
Ellie: those are the nudes of ALIA SHAWKAT. i'm French, remember?

* Google Pixel Phone
Batman: coffee with Robin in 30 minutes.........i thought Robin would be making the coffee.
lawnmower man: bro, lawnmowing is my job. don't erase me with the Eraser. i will reincarnate into Beck and haunt you.

* Expedia
Stanley Tucci: lemons. i'm not a lemon, i never said i was Anthony Bourdain. i'm not a nomad, either. i did this so i could soak naked in an indoor Mediterranean pool made of mosaic in Rome with lemons floating in the pool.

* Smirnoff Ice Neon Lemonade: you forget you're drinking hard liquor when it's drowned in lemonade. the neon is just to attract the purple '80s Vaporwave burnouts.

* Indigo Hubbard-Salk: my ancestor cured polio. you don't know who i am.........but the world is about to.
Spike Lee: you hear that. you HAIR that. Andre Agassi's hair.
Andre Agassi: i was a racqueteer, not a racketeer.
Boris Becker: ...
Spike Lee: i knew Michael Jordan was gonna be good in the 1980s. JORDAN IN THE EIGHTIES!!!
Spike Lee: i know justice would have been served faster if Colin Kaepernick had been Eminem...
Federer: DAMN, Spike Lee!!! damn, dude!!! Nadal is the King of the Court?!!!

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: look i'm happy that the Preakness will be Full Fans but that's about it. the Preakness needs to be the WILD party that it is. 

Mexican Pizza. the weekend is for Mexican Pizza. i'm so glad it's back.........i've never had Mexican Pizza at Taco Bell, this will be my first time... 

Wednesday, May 18, 2022



JFK: i regret to inform you that the situation has only gotten worse. but i will not give up, we CAN'T give up, ever, EVERYONE in this country must be heard, deserves not to die on the mean streets, and i for one am willing to sit down at the White House and hear any group, any gang, any body fighting on behalf of their people. the riots in Watts show us that we have a LONG ROAD to hoe before people feel seen in this land, not persecuted for their color, able to earn and laugh and love without fear of retribution at a pump, poll, or pernicious platter. lobsters don't grow on trees, i know this despite growing up in Maine. can we eat lobster humanely? that is the challenge. racism will never be solved but this Administration intends to salve it. 

Dan Aykroyd accompanies JFK to Watts that next evening.
JFK: what are you doing? you are not my Vice President.
Dan: i thought i'd bring a little levity to the proceedings, a little salve to the situation, comedy to the circumstances. the country is afraid of Democrats right now and i do a mean Jimmy Carter.
JFK: give it to me straight, Jim. i mean Dan.
Dan: it's bad, sir. fires, smashed windows, brick walls. smoke but not the fun Snoop Dogg smoke. 
JFK: i have an idea. EVERYONE gather round. JFK at KFC? no, too thorny. here, let's everyone gather round this CVS. i know, CVS sucks but what can you do. if you want a brighter future, invest in electric. electric energy. electric energy will rebuild your cities. do NOT repeat DO NOT INVEST IN CRYPTO. crypto is a long-con shell game, don't trust any Edsion OR Tesla that waltzes into town and comes round the neighborhood. now i understand that SILVER is needed for the electrical grid to erect, so INVEST IN SILVER NOW IN 1965!!! do it for your families' futures. invest in silver futures. my Secretary of the Treasury Roger Lodge is on the helicopter in back of me, behind me in the line in the sky, he'll fill you in on all the paperwork.

Naruto: what i show is how to survive when the whole world hates you.

young Robert Klein: i look like Billy Corgan.........when he had hair.

cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger: no fries. chips. sometimes an egg over-lightly. no Coke, Pepsi Nitro.

The Nerds on SNL in 1978: is nerd rock the next big thing?...
Weezer in 1989: yes.

Behr Stain paint-linen-finish commercial: not George Hamilton.
Beth Behrs: Stanley Tucci and i would have made an ADORABLE couple. i would fuck a man just for his food. but alas i'm married so sorry about putting a cowboy-boot-sized damp napkin on everyone's bald head.

Raid bug-spray commercial: imagination is good. we subtly slipped in there that the kid was autistic, see that? we intimated it, we couldn't say it outright explicitly or our funding would have been cut.

at The Weather Channel:
Goody Paul: i just discovered a sport called golf this year...

me: i wish we could have summer with no new episodes of tv shows, a time to relax, but it rained everyday...

Mardith at the Blood Moon dances on her highrise balcony. the grey misty clouds cover not this massive heavenly body. and the night sky is red, too.
Mardith: *dancing* groove with me. soothe with me. shake your body booty all the way round, go with the flow, make your arms and legs jelly, round your butt round and around. let your tummy and your tummy ring out and show out. you feel those vibrations the Blood Moon is giving off? go with it, invest in the vibes, swallow the vibes, dance in the invisible sky, dance on top of the air. i'm dancing on a real cloud but that's only cos i'm high enough. up here. don't let ANYBODY steal your shine, turn you into something you're not, don't let others change you. acknowledge your darkness within but don't let the darkness win. don't let it turn you into anybody OTHER than who you were meant to be, your light-being self. look, i know you're sick of waiting, you need that life-altering life-changing win NOW. you've waited for too long and you're tired, exhausted. but see the universe doesn't follow YOUR timeline, YOUR schedule, the universe unnervingly is NOTORIOUSLY SLOW. there's nothing you can do about it, you just gotta be PATIENT FOREVER. yes my angels you're gonna have to wait MORE. just don't wait the rest of your life till you're dead *winks*

Cirra: do you mind being the fluffer one set for today? the entire crew is out sick.
me: sure. what do i have to do? oh i can use the plastic rings, right?
Cirra: no, because of covid you have to do it by hand. hands on, handjobs only. keep your hand on everyone's cock at all times, keep them ready to cum at a moment's notice.
an hour later for blocking and the scene is ready to shoot.
Cirra: where'd he go?
Cirra wearing a light helmet: hey what are you doing down here?
me: oh hi Cirra!!! watch out, wouldn't want your ethereal eyes to get grimed by all the gunk down here. i'm down here in an underground London sewer cleaning up the grooved sidewalls of this tunnel before the next subway train comes through.

Gladyce at Del Monte PetSmart.
Gladyce: when we refill the cat familiars' drums back up with kitty litter at PetSmart, that sand cascading down like a waterfall hypnotizes me.
Greykid: yeah it looks like Lipton lemon iced-tea powder...

Raven Symone: Amber, babes, your boyfriend's car is a piece of junk. you can't unlock the Tesla, it either locks you out or locks you in then seizes up forever.
Amber Heard: oh Elon Musk's not my boyfriend.
Raven: okay but why does your girlfriend look like Johnny Depp?...

Wuigi: see? take Mister Mosquito for the Playstation 2, NO Nintendo games will EVER be this creepy. this uncomfortable. this serial-killery. i'd rather get bit by REAL mosquitoes than by this bloodthirsty game. how the HELL did we lose the Console Wars to Playstation?

Steejo: from now on i want to be known as Stingo...
Suzy Lu: i have blonde hair like Meryl Streep...

Ashley Callingbull: i call bullshit. I was the one who made Indigenous history.
Wacey Rabbit: don't let my Canadian niceness fool you. i hit hard on the boards when i'm out there on the ice, your face is my puck. my trix aren't for kids. i'm not scared of ANYONE, not even Mike Tyson...

Dolores O'Riordan: it's no first name means sad.

Sarah Sherman: it's been a good week, i became Weekend Update's first roving reporter., my nudes are online, i'm Colin Jost's new co-anchor because Michael Che quit the Desk 5 years ago. and i fucked Selena Gomez at the After Party.
Selena Gomez: that Little Black Dress worked for me...

casket spray: flowers, not an actual spray to spray on a stanky casket

Flo from Progressive: Three Busy Debras episode idea: i'm their long-lost cousin. i'm the 4th Debra. Four Busy Debras...

Yumi Nu: that's Yummy New.

Ellen DeGeneres: there's something so deadly to the soul when summer hits... 
Lana Del Rey: tell me about it...

Hilma: i wasn't Fred Flintstone's wife!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!

Dirg: i mean God bless him but there's an artist on Instagram who literally draws one line on every post and each post gets thousands of comments. he has 15,000 followers...

Zoe Keating: i am related to Keats but i want to make my OWN name for myself with my jungle trance music...
Zoe Keating: from now on, i play the cello in memory of my husband...

Nasim Pedrad editing Chad: wait, the star edits her own show?...

Johnny Depp: you will not see my eyes THAT is a line!!! that is a devastating cinematic ending, the final line of a Scorsese film. i wrote that. i'm not a writer but i wrote that.

Gol D. Roger from One Piece: you never see my mouth move when i talk, the legends are true, you've only ever seen me smiling...
Luffy: wait money here is called Belly?!!! the whole time i thought it was Berry!!!
me and Belly the band: ...

Bonne Maman: never tried the other flavors...
David Mamet: i'm not jelly...

Snoop Dogg: if I bought Twitter, Twitter would be FUN again...

Mardith: no sex? slip and slide, Instafam. slip and slide as i do the banana pose for you, as i HOLD this banana pose for you this shit ain't easy, banana is more important yoga than dog.

me at a mailbox: i never thought i'd live to see the day. TV GUIDE has gone for it, TV GUIDE does TRIPLE Issues now!!! this changes the whole two-week staggered grocery-shop schedule forever...
Stream Plus Magazine: nothing to do with fish.

Bennett Foddy: what? life is hard, right?

Puck from Real World: San Francisco stands with his bike on top of the tallest hill in San Francisco looking out over the powdery city at night, the sunset light overshadowed by the eerie red glow of the Blood Moon blanketing the sprawling cityscape. he can't breathe not from drugs but because he just took the biggest sigh of his life.

Puck: *sigh* oh well, here goes.
he wheels over to the shaggiest brickiest apartment in the complex. where lives his father. Dad puts his smelly sockless feet up on his loungechair as he eats the black smoke from his cigar and picks at the pimple on his hairy nose.
Puck: hey!!! i expelled gas out my mouth for you!!! i have a delivery for you, unsocked, let me in, don't make me break the door down.
Lance Armstrong: call me Lance Lear.
Puck: i shall call you dad. YOUR TOES SMELL!!! except they're not toes anymore, they're globs of goo. when was the last time you showered?
Lance: what's in the bag, son? is that a mailbag? a mail satchel? are you a mailman now?
Puck: it's silver. bars of silver. 
Lance: more ill-gotten goods, son? did you finger these rocks in an alleyway?
Puck: it's silver for the electric grid, dad. THIS city is the first one to try it!!! see? i have good in my heart but you're always bringing me down. your nihilism has infected my natural sunny goofy disposition, made everyone scared of me. bike messengers are supposed to be COOL!!!
Lance: you have to be an asshole to survive on the streets, son.
Puck: but i don't wanna be an asshole!!! i want to get the girl!!! i want to be the handsome debonair blond leading man who gets Rachel!!!
Lance: she's ill-gotten goods, son, she's a babe but she's a Republican babe, she's tricky territory.
Puck: i have to be better than you, i can't be poisoned by your cynicism. i have to cut my twig from your trunk. 
Lance: be proud of your penis, son.
Puck: what's for dinner?
Lance: snot-rockets a.k.a. tv-dinners.
Puck: father, what's on the tube?
Lance: i'm watching Real World on tv.
Puck: cool.
Lance: no, Real World Reunion.
Puck: pity. i have to be my own person, a happy person. i can't be an angry old man when i'm a young man. anyway that's the messenge i wanted to deliver to you before i leave this place and never return never see you again.
Lance: messenge? you mean message.
Puck: no, messenge, i'm a bike messenger.

Eye Luggage wearing Thom Browne boots: Quicksilver from 1986 and go. go on a bike.
Kevin Bacon: in my defense, i thought this was gonna be a Marvel superhero movie. i mean i don't get this film, i don't go fast. i go PRETTY fast on the bicycle but it's not like i'm racing at supersonic speeds here breaking any landspeed records, breaking the sound barrier matching mach.

JFK: i used to ride my bicycle down these San Francisco streets. it was nice and peaceful and hilly and curvy, i could meditate like a monk. contemplate my career. i could focus on the bicycle not the Bible. now i ride with my son, Junior has his shirt off and that's when i know i've officially passed the sex-symbol baton off over to him. 
JFK Jr. with hairy chest: and it's not even a relay bike race.
Doryce: oh golly gee!!! these are GREAT times to be alive!!! i can now instead of BEING a bike RIDE a bike!!!

Giorgio Moroder: nice intro, nice Star Trek: The Next Generation blue lettering. nice music in the opening, very Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honneamise's opening intro, which as we all know is the greatest film of all time.

Puck: these are my people. this movie was tailor-made for me. you know how you know if someone's a bike messenger? how to tell? look at his visor to see if it's flipped up. or her hat is a World War I ace aviator skullcap with the fuzzy flaps and scotch top and goggles, that's a bike messenger.
Kevin Bacon: wait what's a messager? not a massager, i've had those, i've been to San Francisco, what's a messager?

Kevin Bacon: okay that convinced me. i raced a bike messenger down the downhill road busy with traffic and flower-delivery-van open doors as i drove in a taxicab going 100 mph and the bike beat us going 101 mph. extremely dangerous but i needed to know. the bike messenger later died from his injuries but this movie doesn't tackle the hazards of bike messenging all too well. somebody should have ended up with three legs or something. now i know bicycle delivery will be my fallback job, my safety school...

Kevin: so there are only bike messengers in San Francisco? that's where the ENTIRE bike-messenger culture resides? 
Puck: yes. it all originated here in Frisco in the '60s. ask my uncle Jerry Garcia...

Kevin Bacon: it's the '80s so of course the only thing that matters is making money on Wall Street, this doesn't copy any other movies or anything. i was a good stockbroker but it broke me. i made ONE BAD DEAL and my life is ruined. 
Kevin's dad: why didn't you jump out a window like your friends did, son?
Kevin: i was at a bar at ground level. i didn't drink i promise. a merger who ever heard of a merger? what's next, a gas station being swallowed up by Disney?
dad: and you use those bulky computers and ticket-tape for the stock market in the '80s, it's weird. how could this happen? i thought you were a genius. anyway, we Caseys always get up and PUNCH FIRST later. you'll get our life savings back, right? 
Kevin: no, dad. that trip to Mykonos will have to wait. forever. and those Steak-Umms on your plate there getting cold will be the last meat you will ever eat. please don't cry behind my back, i can't take it seeing a grown man cry, i've already cried in the back when i took this movie.

Kevin: so i'm still making this? i still actively lobbied to be a part of this? i see. okay, well, i was a floor trader. i vacuumed the floor of the Stock Exchange. now i ride a bike, it's free and easy and nirvana. i'm not accountable. get it? accountable accountant.
Jami Gertz: like my tough Brooklyn accent for the city of San Francisco? i'm from EVERYWHERE. international accent. i'm a street tough yet also a delicate feminine flower.
JFK: i learned all my policies in San Francisco, it's a cool breezy cozy city that cares about people. all people.
Jami Gertz: i don't get why you flubbed it so badly. money is easy, just own an NBA basketball team and you're set for life.

Paul Rodriguez: i'll show you the ropes. 
Kevin: no boxing ropes, i promise, i ain't no Muhammad Ali.
Paul: not funny, i hate Will Smith's guts. 

Voodoo: i bike-messenge drugs. yeah basically i sell drugs on the streets of San Francisco. i do more than you do at this job. i'm a drug-dealer round the city and it sucks. don't talk to me i'm so fucking ANGRY i'm a stereotype. don't talk to me unless you go get me my coffee light with milk. fuck this, after i inevitably die in a drug deal gone bad i'm going to the Matrix to start over...

Steve McQueen: that San Francisco street scene would have been better in a car... 

Louie Anderson: i'm in this movie. there's no discernable reason WHY i'm in this movie but i'm in this movie.

Whitney Kershaw: Kevin and i did the ICONIC pose dancing on his bike, not his dick his actual bicycle, as i step foot on the wheel and he rides me around the Celtics-basketball-floor of the apartment. but Flashdance did this first. my leotard was '80s sexy but kinda frumpy. and then the whole thing with me in a fur coat and the art gallery was straight out of Cocktail with Tom Cruise. i mean i don't even get to say fuck, i have to say screw. if you wanted to spice this thing up there should have been a fuck scene. not saying I should have been in the fuck scene but there should have been a fuck scene...

Georgann Johnson: i did Midnight Cowboy and then i end my career with THIS?!!! THIS drivel?!!! THIS stoop?!!! listen to your father, dear, you're smart, you have a head on your shoulders, your father only understands electric bicycles...

Apache: oh come on, the INDIAN is the gang member?!!! let me guess, the gang steals from casinos. hey chica, you do what i say, when i call you come. do whatever the gang wants. 
Jami: yeah whatever. what does the gang want?
Apache: bacon from Kevin Bacon. and for you to become a whore...

Puck: these jam sessions where all the bicyclists do handstands on their handlebars and stick their tires down their pants to boombox music, we did this stuff when i was a messenger. except i did all my superhuman feats of strength on bikes on drugs. i once flipped 5 times in the air on my bike, sideways flips.

ex-partner: what are you doing here? selling junk on a bike, that's your future? take off that propeller beanie.
Kevin: i'm free, man. feel the free vibe. no responsibilities. i only drink blue drinks. i spend my parents' money on Garbage Pail Kids. wait, by junk you don't mean drugs, right?

Kevin: only in the '80s and '90s did people do this, hang their bicycles up on the sidewall of their apartment like it was a framed picture, a framed family photo. 
Jami: i hang my bike on the ceiling like it was a potted plant, a housefern. you had opportunities, man, you have choices, you have clear paths, i have to sleep wherever i can sleep.
Kevin: hey i slept on a boat once, i can empathize with you. 
Laertus: yeah see here? there REALLY should have been a sex scene here, without it it makes this film VERY dry like mad unmilked bread. Kevin shoulda fucked his houseguest-for-one-night roommate-for-one-day Jami. you notice at the end of this movie? there's a strange sequence of scenes where a shirtless Kevin hangs his head down hangdog on the couch and Jami looks satisfied and serene and smiles. but nothing happens, i think that's where the cut sex scene took place...
Dirg: i'm proud of you...
Laertus: you can still be a gentleman about it but there needs to be some SPARK to a movie, KINETIC ENERGY that disrupts the film's inertia, you know? ACTION. and then that ending at the Warriors wharf...

Kevin: why are you wearing THAT to your job interview?
Paul Rodriguez: i'm gonna be a pimp. 
Kevin: oh. okay then.
Kevin: i'm here to help out all my new bike friends with their finances. i'm here to provide financial advice. cos i'm an expert in something in life.
Paul Rodriguez: how do i fill out a pimp slip i mean pink slip? look, it's the only way to get out from under the barrio stoop. i'm SICK of backyard barbecues with barracuda barbacoa, i want the GOOD LIFE. i want a Fifth Avenue hot dog. hey what's this food that we're eating at a Chinese restaurant? squid? octopus?
Kevin: it's called a Bugle chip.
Paul Rodriguez: manticore?
Kevin: no it's not manticore.

Kevin Bacon's dad: SON!!! how'd you get all our money back?
Kevin Bacon: two words, pop: Pac-Man. Pac-Man bonds. well, actually it's a hyphenated word and a hyphenated-word and then...

Eye Luggage: oh god this film had ONE GOOD SCENE and then proceeded to RUIN it!!! the scene where Kevin Bacon spies on his father crying and then leaves without making a sound was quite effective and poignant, no dialogue needed nor necessary. but then later Kevin EXPLAINS everything he saw to his father, blabbing, letting him know ALL ABOUT IT!!! come on, that scene would have lived forever if it had remained silent in Kevin's heart only Kevin knowing about it. 

Roger Ebert: watching this movie was about as much fun as having an enema whilst eating a pound of jalapeno peppers.

Peter Frampton: the soundtrack tho. the soundtrack was good. my song "Nothing At All" was a minor hit in the dance clubs. it's a GREAT song, a banging song, nice rhythm section, nice beat. the first Vaporwave song. it would have been a MAJOR song but this movie.........ah never mind *slaps down his palms disgustedly*. no i'm not the Genesis guy. i'm the Pearl Jam guy. you know, the talk-box guy? yeah, Post Malone. Post Malone. call me Posty.

Kevin Bacon: this movie was the absolute lowest point of my career. but the thing is, somehow this came AFTER Footloose. it's one of life's mysteries that's better left to the fluffers at the underground subway station. the subway was where i saw a poster for Quicksilver (1986) that dredged up all my bad memories of making this movie in the first place. g'night folks.