Monday, October 31, 2016


1. what makes you cry? CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

2. the world is ending and you are on death row. or either/or. what would be your last meal? the weekend i had trying to secure the new taco salad from Wendy's. first my schedules mixed and i couldn't go. then when i finally got a second to breathe, there was a traffic jam. who needs newly-paved roads anyway? so i FINALLY get it and they forget the bowl of chili. it was just a salad. a nice salad but just a salad. later i went back and the bro at the window said he had my back: window bro said he deliberately didn't give me the chili cos the chili is nasty.

3. you must join a gang/crew, of the choices below which would you join?
before we start i'm not a joiner so that saved my life from the gangs. but i'll play along:
a) Rue Bella and the Annie Depressants, a crew of drag queens
b) aryan brotherhood of white supremacists
c) Secret Society of The Order of Chaeronea, fostering an understanding and acceptance of gay community and lifestyle
d) Free Hugs Club---monthly membership requirement of hugging 10 strangers a month
e) Quidditch Club---mandatory game every Sunday

i've seen those professional quidditch sports-league games on the internet. college sure has changed since i went. isn't the internet awesome? Sunday, i like that, quidditch is a religion. the Annie Depressants sound fun, and i do agree that the hug gets shafted in society in favor of the more popular kiss, but i'm gonna have to go with Chaeronea cos it sounds more Illuminaughty. really i just want to wear a robe and a pointy hat. i just want to belong to a club that meets once a month at a shadowy mansion to eat doritos in a circle.

4. who would make a better leader for the country, mom or dad? too late, early voting, voters have already voted.

5. if you could abolish one piece of modern technology, what would it be and why? the internet. the internet has destroyed society. we need to get back to reading scrolls. we need to get back to writing long, drawn-out letters to each other with quill pens with ridiculous feathers on them and an inkwell that's just about the size of a shotglass. we need to imprint our seal in hot wax on all our writings. and we need to skinny-dip in the moat by the castle in nothing but our Plague masks.

bonus: how did you celebrate Halloween this year? i'm in the middle of a seance trying to bring back Edgar Allan Poe from the dead. he's resisting. but i can't cast a proper spell with this apple in my mouth.


DO NOT EAT any of the candy you collect. you'll just get a tummy ache.

Friday, October 28, 2016



* the only way this works is if he uses the $500 to send his friend to rehab.

* don't be so cocky, mental illness comes in all forms.

* without the dark there is no light.

* Brook has no shadow and he's pretty cool.

* would you rather have something or nothing? both are scary.

* it's Poison Ivy's boudoir. you bout to get lucky boy.

* next time, bring a can of Raid.

* when you welcome nails on a chalkboard

* can you please stop thinking of yourself and help that lost little girl find her mother?

* no, you're gonna die first in order to then live forever with the demon.

* there is no outside, only sides.

* first mistake: should have taken the bus. second mistake: should have taken a bubblebath.

* come on, your cat's name is Baskerville?

* you never listened to your parents anyway.

* it was David Walliams.

* preferred by management

* first mistake: never pick up a knife. second mistake: never pick up a knife with a rubber hilt.

* mounting yourself: freudian

* you could still taste those IHOP Halloween pancakes from last week tho.

* see? the light. told ya.

* the letter had no stamp...

* carver's mistake: should have been 01, not 10. the silly room, remember? you're fine.


haunty weekend. i live in a haunted house. it's haunted cos i live there.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016


the Sandpiper is rocked by a series of blasts in the night which affect its inner shell.

Carmen: *woke* how dare they hit us when we're sleeping. that is my prime conjuring time.

Herlina: beauty rest.

Harfi: i don't sleep. flashbacks and such.

it's Starscream. it's always Starscream. bothering the ladies again.

Starscream laughs in a way that is both rote robotic and human annoying.

Starscream: give up yet, beauties?

Carmen: in your dreams.

Starscream: don't mean anything by it. i say beauty cos i'm from Australia.

Carmen: yeah right! i know a good fake Australian accent, i use one!

Herlina: we'll never surrender! if we ever do it will be to Megatron, who's handsomer.

Harfi: space is making you tougher.

Herlina: i just needed time. i don't play for that side so i can go all out.

Starscream: you don't like robots? what woman doesn't like robots! look i've hit a dry spell lately and i'm looking to mingle. there are plenty of stars in the sea my dear mother used to tell me. before you make fun, yes, she did look exactly like me except she wore a brown wig. i've got you surrounded. my finger plugs up all your holes. it's not as creepy as it sounds. my finger is where i keep my laser gun. merely go on a date with me all three of you and i choose my bride.

Harfi: you predator!

Starscream: hey don't bring the Predacons into this, they're innocent. *robotic laugh* why do you think i dropped out of school, much to my dear mother's chagrin, she wigged out, in order to join the academy and toil there for all-spark knows how long climbing the fucking steel ladder until i made my way from junior grade to ensign to the boss's right hand? why do desperate men do such things? cos they're desperate. they can't find a date on their own. but when they're attached to a corporation they automatically gain power and are allowed a state-sanctioned harem for "research on these humans' habits."

Carmen: we're keeping quiet like good little women and letting you hang yourself.

Starscream: i can't be hung. metal neck. you have until midnight...*transforms into a jet and flies off*

Herlina: wait! we can't tell if it's midnight in the blackness of space! our watches......


at yoga, our three heroines huddle up and plan.

Herlina: it's as cold in here as out there. let's really touch skins here, ladies. where's the quilt?

Harfi: burned it in the fire for heat. as you can see, our cauldron is not coven-ready for three such dignified witches as ourselves. which is why i called this powwow. we really need to make a decision, girls.

Carmen: tell me about it. talk about the worst first date ever. i'm actually thinking of going back to

Harfi: no. look in the back of me.

Herlina: nice butt.

Harfi: there are exactly five pipes and two sheets of thin tungsten and one chassis of assorted electronics. these are our only spare parts. we can only make one of three things with them.

Carmen cracks an egg on the floor of the ship, hot enough now that they're coasting under a crescent sun.

Carmen: the egg is a double yolk! i vote we go for my new oven. we need to eat. we can't rely on space plants anymore, they could be poisonous, we need to make sure we fry the hell out of our foods.

Harfi: *holding her nose* double meaning. no, you rely too much on that superstitious nonsense. you use an egg instead of your rational mind everytime we need to make a hard decision. don't be like William Shatner. it's never a good idea in general to be like William Shatner. and you stink!

Herlina: who, me? i don't smell it.

Carmen: i didn't want to say anything, but you do, dear. you gunna be a sloppy wife. when was the last time you washed your towels?

Herlina: you're supposed to wash your towels? okay, i vote for a washing machine with the parts. y'know i didn't start feeling ripe until you pointed it out to me. now i'm really starting to get itchy skin and a film has developed around my eyes.

Harfi: good short-term but don't you want to get the hell out of here?

Carmen: to where?

Harfi: at least away from that tricky transformer, that rude robot, that dastardly decepticon. we'll worry about the details later. grand vision. overall picture, gotta always think big. we're stuck in this squadron of the galaxy cos we got no warp drive. i can fashion a more powerful engine with the parts and attach it to our butt. the ship's butt.

Herlina: i like butts. *Tina gurgle*

Harfi: incoming transmission. what do we do, captain?

Carmen: who, me? i keep forgetting. hail them. wait, let me hail them.

Carmen performs a small weather spell that shoots a hail of hail into Starscream's face.

Starscream: ooooh, white snow. i love this stuff. reminds me of home. with mother. knock knock, i'm here for my dates!

Herlina: too soon. you're back? already? stop harassing us!

Starscream: but it's midnight. don't you have a watch? i hacked your computer and you guys have yoga at 11:30. makes perfect sense. aligning with the moon and such. took me awhile to get out here with all that traffic, you guys live in the boondocks. Milky Way time. no more daylight savings, since there are no more days. as long as that blasted do-gooder Optimus Prime drinks a tall glass of milk each morning the universe runs on time. i can't stand when he turns to the center of the galaxy and shows everyone his pearly whites, his smile dripping with froth. i wore my top hat and tails. well okay my tails got incinerated by the afterburners on my back.

Carmen: there's no time, women. but remember, we're always connected.

Starscream: who's first? i reserved a special place atop the abandoned Jetsons apartments, the revolving restaurant, which doesn't revolve anymore, my favorite spot in space, overlooking the nothingness.

Herlina: *raises her hand* um, i guess me. but i get to choose the music.


Starscream: what're you drinkin'?

the drone, rewired to look like a slender female shape, flies to the table to take the order.

Herlina: better not. psychiatrists are so expensive. oil can for him, please.

Starscream: belay that order!

hot drone: fillet? you want fillet? space fish are a delicacy after the collapse of McDonald's.

Starscream: no. what do you take me for? i don't drink oil.............i drink water and stuff............*takes a sip of water*....................we only bathe in oil....................i saw Arcee in the bath once.......she was completely naked........

Herlina: how can you tell?

Starscream:..........storing that image in my permanent harddrive......ooooh, shiny! what's that gem on your necklace? it's quite fetching. rocks to us are like metals to you. no rock is useless. especially one that glows so.

Herlina: like hell i'm telling you. not everything is for sale. all you need to know is it's a piece of junk that holds sentimental value for us forlorn earthers. can we please not talk anymore? i'm just waiting for my laundry to dry.


Starscream: how's your kahwah?

Carmen: it's pronounced qehwa.

Starscream: i can't position my mouth in such a way as to be able to pronounce that. cheers. why'd you bring your computer along? all that typing tapping is distracting. it's like you don't want to be here with me. you got somewhere else to be?

Carmen: no but i'm working on it.

the cats jump onto the keyboard and hit Carmen's hand hard with their heads. there's no way she can get any work done. the cats jump onto Starscream's face.

Starscream: blast! what are these furballs doing here? i'm allergic to cat dander!

Carmen: i'm trying to devise starmaps but it's impossible when there's no starting point. i'm finding more and more my intuition guiding us, not machines.

Starscream: that's machinist. my cousin is a machinist.

Carmen: eh, i might as well get some blogging done. the last couple of entries in my travel blog'll indulge an ol' reminiscing earther? yes i remember now. Burnside Bridge.

Starscream: Burnside's Bridge? i studied your profile.

Carmen: both of 'em. and the Bridge of Sighs. i'm a bridge person. i want to build bridges from now on after my past. ooooooh my past. i'd tell you about it sometime but, eh, you can just download it.

Starscream tries to sigh but can't.


Harfi approaches the date a little differently. she eats all the dead ferns in the place and straps her laser gun to her crotch, pointing it squarely at Starscream's face the entire time.

Starscream: that's hot. you're scrappy.

Harfi: at least you didn't say spunky. i like the atmosphere here, very postapocalyptic.

Starscream: why thank you. i especially like the no lights. sets the mood.

Harfi: what are you doing?

Starscream: my fingers can light up like sparklers. in case you wanted a change in mood lighting. i'm thinking of going into politics.

Harfi: you got the rigging for it. run for president, that's the only one that matters.


Starscream: meh. i like the atmosphere but i'm not a fan of confident women.

Harfi: isn't she awesome! she speaks to us. we're out here forging a new identity, a new culture. we are bred on the classics and now must compose our own music of the spheres. none of us know the lyrics cos you should have seen what Herlina did to the booklet with this kick-ass babe on the cover.

Starscream: speaking of....wasn't she supposed to.....

Harfi:...........uh..............hey look outside! it's snow! your favorite.

Carmen conjures up another hail storm from the ship.

Starscream: yeah. neato. gotta start thinking about what i'm gonna get Megatron for Cybertron Christmas.

Harfi:............uh.........yeah so.........did you hear about what happened to Earth? our home exploded.

Starscream: a little bit. i believe it was in the back-pages of the sunday express. i love reading the extended sunday paper.

Harfi: now?

Starscream: who are you talking to?

Carmen: *from the ship* now

Herlina: now.

Herlina comes out of the two ferns and plops the supplies on the dining floor, the pipes and sheets and chassis. Harfi scoops them up and constructs a washing machine out of them in no time flat.

Harfi: lickety split.

Herlina: maybe later. after yoga.

Starscream stares at the washing machine for what seems like hours (hard to tell in space) with hearts in his eyes.

Starscream: OMAS. oh my all spark. you are the most beautiful vision my optical sensors have ever laid on. i want to lay you.

Starscream hugs the washing machine and tries to mount it. he is crying oil from his eyes.

Carmen takes a hard right with the rocket and picks up Harfi and Herlina.

Carmen: see, my babes? we worked together. we were apart but never separated. we communicated the plan and made changes in real time. i distracted, Harfi constructed, and Herlina was smelly when we needed her to be. our telekinesis is weak now but it can only grow stronger. we just need to survive more.

Harfi: and we need a miracle.

the aquamarine gem around Herlina begins to act up and sparkle.

Herlina: right on cue.

the girls look out their window and see that the couple of storms Carmen started made their way across the universe swirling into such a force as to open a wormhole with a strong Category 5 eye at its center.

Carmen: hurry, it'll close soon!

Harfi: you're the one driving!

Herlina: wait, i was doing some research, watching some netflix alone, sorry for hogging all the computer time, and the more of these wormholes which pop up, the more the fabric of space gets ripped apart and chewed up...

Harfi: no time to be an environmentalist! vamanos!

Carmen: she's right. mom knows what she's doing.

the women enter the hole.

MEANWHILE Starscream this whole time has been in a trance. he stares deeply at the knobs of the washing machine. and her pipes. and her tail. uh, the cord. he blows on the circular window door, rubbing it with his elbow to get it all clear and shiny so that he can look through it.

Monday, October 24, 2016


yeah! pork chops tonight! with lemon and chicken rice-a-roni!

1. how did you realize an important relationship (romantic, business, friendship) was over? what was the pivotal moment or statement? our backs were turned just like in the picture above. but we were still touching so i thought there was hope. i didn't budge. she didn't budge. nobody would eat the cheese-and-broccoli rice-a-roni.

2. relationship strategy---do you have one? share. CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.

i'm a lone wolf. i do it all by myself.

3. name three things you appreciate about your current relationship. why are these things significant? (if not currently in a relationship, feel free to refer to your best relationship): lot of free time, not bothered by anyone, can sleep best relationship was with Yu-Gi-Oh! Yami Yugi spoke to me through the cards. but he always left me alone when i was in a mood.

4. in your relationship, do you compromise a) a little b) never, i usually get my way c) too much, helps to keep the peace

once you fight, the relationship is over...

5. if you went to couple's therapy, which of these are you most likely to have a need to discuss?:
a) my significant other feels more like a roommate
b) sex is uncomfortable
c) my partner doesn't know what i like in bed
d) forget sex, we barely touch

roommates. the roommates thing. i don't want to be roommates. i want to be Three's Company roommates.

bonus: below is a list of extreme sports. you must pick one sport to try. why would you do that sport?
1) skydiving
2) volcano diving
3) zip-lining through a jungle
4) bungee jumping



Friday, October 21, 2016



* they played this on my first day of rehab.

* crumby, not crummy

* yumpire: the second meaning

* i'm eating a Banquet as i type. frozen french fries, frozen pool of cheese with a frozen burger patty in the middle. strangely no bun.

* cookie thirst or milk hunger, you're screwed either way.

* it's easier to bake cookies, but it's lonelier.

* that's why i never open my mail.

* Bacob: he'll eat all your cookies.
Belly: that's why i love him.

* never eat another man's cookies.

* Shortbreadward: i get my exercise when the strange man's hands unhinge my jaw in the morning.

* Shortbreadward: if only the strange man had put wings on my back when his hand was on my bottom this morning.

* Bacob: you're not supposed to jump down the waterfall. you're supposed to stay on top of the waterfall in an impossible one-armed handstand and yoga the rest of the morning.
Shortbreadward: i don't like mornings.

* Belly: me or my cookies.
Shortbreadward: that is the decision all bachelors must face...

* Shortbreadward: extra chips?!!!
Bacob: yep. barbecue flavor.

* Bacob: i baked you guys a wedding cookie cake.
Shortbreadward: yeah those are Nilla wafers. nobody eats Nilla wafers. they're disgusting.

* Belly: i like Nilla wafers! how could you, Shortbreadward? the wedding's off! *she eats the wedding cake in one bite*
Bacob: she turned! how could you, Shortbreadward?
Shortbreadward: it wasn't me! it was this guy up my ass!

* "A Thousand Years" > "A Thousand Miles" > "500 Miles"

* so it's Tom Hanks and Gaga on SNL tomorrow. in case you've missed them.


howl at the moon this weekend

Wednesday, October 19, 2016


it's all over. it has ended. there is no new beginning. it doesn't work like that. if there is to be a new start, they have to make it. not an imaginary ice-cream man who wore many hats and had a penchant for handing out penny popsicles to poor and undeserving children.

there is a science in waking up and yet no one senses it. they only feel the rapture of entering back into the world and its problems inside a universe that's even more problematic. it starts as the tide, rolling lolicking three heads to rest down. except there is no more water. the waves are in space. three women are floating in the space. they feel the rain on their white cheeks. but there is no more falling water. the hurricanes which made it out have dispersed into droplets in space which shoot out in all tangents never hitting them. like the stars which you can see but never touch. they are not directionless like space is, they have each other. they huddle in the cockpit of the craft like seasoned veterans of the game. they are lost but not unbowed, the rocket has a bow. they are hungry but Carmen is looking into that. they are afraid but not the way anybody has ever been before, for they are the first humans to experience existence without a planet Earth.

Herlina fiddles around in her seat made from the wood of Puzzlewood with her dino cube and square one and Calvin's puzzle. she doesn't eat her packet of Lifesavers gummies for dinner like the other two broads cos she wants to hold on to a modicum of security. she tries to get a signal on her bitten Apple Watch but the damn thing's useless. no more waves. she gets the faint glimmer of a game...

Harfi: prolly just static. we outchere!

Harfi feigns taking a selfie.

Herlina: i swear i saw a football. it was nice and big and inflated. we outchea!

Herlina takes an actual selfie with an actual cameraphone but of course nothing happens.

Herlina: got a name picked out? i got mine. when we vote?

Harfi: after dinner. after Carmen decides. looks like it's gonna be Sandpiper. cos the vessel is shaped like a curved beak.

Herlina: oh that's nice...mine was...never mind...Domhnall...cos that's where i'm from...cos i have a crush on him...nevermind...

Harfi: what?

Herlina: nevermind.

Herlina is hungry tho, she can't escape that. she searches her backpack like a frantic schoolgirl who didn't study her organic chemistry plus misplaced her pregnancy test. Herlina finds a wrapped box with a note stickytaped on.

Harfi: could be a bomb.

Herlina: it is. it's a Banquet frozen dinner. it's salisbury steak with gravy. peas. mashed potatoes. all frozen mind you. you have to be braver than an astronaut to eat this. but i'm gonna do it. it even warns you on the box that the grill marks on the meat are for show, they're not real. look at this note attached...

Harfi: *with her eagle eyes* god rest his soul. god, not Codrus.

Herlina: from our Dr. Lysander. bless. he drew an emoji of his face wih hair tufts coming out of his ears. and glasses though he never wore glasses. but he always said it made him more distinguished. to believe he wore glasses.

Herlina mumbles his words aloud to keep Harfi from hearing:

Lysander: to Herlina, my favorite patient. well one of them. put this steak to good use. i hate them. it'll make you lose weight. remember my dear, it's not that you're dumb or a loser or meek. the meek shall inherit the earth but there is no more earth. it's that you have a real bad case of anxiety. that's all.

Herlina: *eating the meat* oh my god the texture of this is alien! it's like a very tasty shoe.

the cargo door swooshes open like an Enterprise door then clangs back closed like a Falcon door. Carmen makes the duet a trio all wrapped up snugly in storage in the


Carmen: who made this quilt? me, right? in my botteghe. i had a lot of free time to shoot the shit in my shoppe.

Harfi: if memory serves as hard as i served, i found it in the East somewhere. war trophy of some conquered peoples. or no wait, it came from your heritage, Herlina?

Herlina: um, yeah, sure. dinner almost ready? i'm sorry we had to scrap off all our onboard weapons to sell for food and to make weight for the ship to be viable for spacefaring. that's my fault.

Harfi: soup?

Carmen: dinner is done. as in no dinner. dinner is cancelled.


Tom Brady stretches his head out a hole in the moon. he creaks his battered body to the surface. he can breathe cos his helmet is so big covering his big head. which is mostly shampoo'd hair.

Brady: ow ow ow. i hurt worse than when Gronk tossed me around like a ragdoll at his bachelor party on his boat. that's when Gronk thought i was his friend. lesson: make an enemy of Gronk, save your life.

Brady: no one here. i'm the last human on earth. fitting. good choice. but i'm already bored.

on the first day, Brady did drills on the moon. by the first week, he was getting his mediocre strength back by pushing down on an inflatable football. he tied himself to a big moonrock, a moon boulder, and ran in the opposite direction. he wanted to jump as high as he could but got scared that he'd just float off the moon into space.

Brady: and on the first month i'm bored as fuck. or bored af. anybody wanna play? they say every franchise needs two beings to win a Super Bowl: a quarterback and a kicker. so i'll be the kicker, too. i'll be Adam Vino, too. and be doubly loved. i'll get another model girlfriend. Gisele will let me finally meet her sister.

Brady makes his first kick at 35. then one at 50. and his first try at 100 is good. and he makes 200 just for fun. cos it's the moon.

JUST THEN a couple of Putin's Russian KGB mobsters climb into screen. that throws the whole atmosphere in whack, Brady's huge helmet comes off and he goes barreling into space, swirling so hard his cup gives his penis a swirlie. Brady tries to hang on by his fingertips on the last moonboulder on the edge but his fingers aren't long enough.

Brady: this is wack! you guys! it was you all along! you were the real enemy. why didn't we see that? there's never anything new. it's always just the old repackaged. it wasn't about ISIS. it was much colder. what the goober is going on?

KGB: didn't you go to school, American Superman? didn't your beloved Belichicken coach with the hood like Batman teach you science? we deflated your balls. we are wearing shoes of cement in preparation. in order to defeat an enemy you must know not just his battle tactics but his art and sports. we are foremost art experts. we are Russian after all. we claim the moon for Mother. Mother Moon, has a nice ring, like Saturn which we claim for Stalin.

Brady: no, Bill tossed his tablet to the floor in disgust everytime he got to the moon science. we know inflation science by heart, though. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and Brady slips into the vortex of space.

the KGB pick up Brady's helmet and flip it around. look at its back. it says Bump 2016.

KGB: oh my god. oh wow. he was one of us all along. pity. see nobody ever saw the back of his helmet cos he never got sacked. who's in the mood for a match?

the group play a couple of downs but it gets boring pretty easily since they're all on one side. they instead turn to their spy watches, they still get wifi and the game. they look at their old Fight Night club videos and see all the videos of natural and man-made disasters on Earth and weep openly. they see spectacular terrorist attacks mixed in with houseboat crashes and earthquakes splitting apart tables and destructive dirt and lava mixing with tsunamis and long for a time when these things still existed.


Harfi: come on, man.

Carmen: nope. i tried to toss the salad with our one remaining salad package but the thing blew up in my face when i tried to open it, tore at the bottom and spilled all over the ceiling.

Herlina: i'll lick your carpets clean. that meat is not agreeing with me.

Herlina asks to be excused and leaves with her hand covering her ass.

Carmen: the more we out here the more i have to hold on to something. superstition, that's how it starts, right? well we can't move forward now.

Harfi takes Carmen by the shoulder and the two fly into the kitchen.

Harfi: come on.

Carmen looks around and sees her wire egg basket hanging from the floor. she pops up an egg and cracks it on her frying pan edge.

Carmen: double yolk! *sighs relievedly*

Harfi: *smiles* we still know.


the entire starship shakes like a bowlful of jelly.

Harfi: *checking the sensors* captain, we've taken a direct hit! shields up?

Carmen: huh? why i'm the captain?

Harfi: you are a C.

Captain Carmen: how dare you. sure, sounds good.

Harfi: enemy transmission. onscreen?

Carmen: you seem to know. hello? is anybody out there? we out here.

a Klingon ship decloaks. the Klingon commander Pu speaks on screen.

Pu: you may win in the long run, earthling. but not today. *everyone onboard the Klingon vessel laughs sneakily through their long hairs* hey what is this? an all-female crew? blasphemy! *Pu scratches the ridges on his forehead* and where are your tits showing in front of your uniforms?

Carmen: we come in peace, sir. please. give us a chance. we'll do anything for food.

Pu: *raised ridge* anything? we've got a tractor beam on you. invisible, as all good things are. yes you are our slaves but you will be treated well cos you are our slaves. we all start off as slaves. guards! ready two capture ships.

MEANWHILE Herlina is in the head. the bathroom. Pu doesn't realize it's a three-man crew. Herlina is having a very difficult time going. she spots the aquamarine gem next to the plunger. the hanging wire plunger.

Herlina: my stomach is in knots. not from anxiety. the aquamarine looks like a urinal cake.

she places the gem in the upper toilet-bowl water and it glows beautifully.

Herlina: the gem is everything. our mother. our protector. our life. she makes us all clean again. pure. ready. calm. happy. humble. our center round.

Herlina: it's like when you finally go to the bathroom. the release. it comes out whether you want it or not. i have to be like that. when the moment emerges, it happens. i have to happen.

Herlina pulls down on the plunger chain and the entire toilet goes down out a port at the stern of the hull, out of the sensors of the Klingon ship. nobody is searching for Herlina. the toilet flies in a swirl and lands like a suction cup on the bow of the hull of the Klingon vessel. the toilet explodes along with the Klingon ship.

Herlina: it was a bomb. i was a martyr...

the Sandpiper uses its tractor beam to beam Herlina back into the rocket. just in the nick of time.

Herlina: oh...


Carmen: so happy you're home safe, my sister. where's the aquamarine?

Herlina: uh............oh no, i lost it! i was focused on dying.

Harfi: macha doesn't do anything she doesn't want. we love you, sister. but did it glow finally?

Herlina: *smiles* yes, she glowed.

all three fold their hands and sigh and look out the port window. they are watching nothing in the black of space but their inner worlds are full.

Herlina: we suddenly have a tractor beam now?

Harfi: simple reverse engineering. know thy enemy. to the victor go the spoils in this universe.

Carmen: if you can't know thyself. yes, manipulation. easy for us. i think we're gonna be okay, guys.

Herlina: the stars are glowing tonight.

Monday, October 17, 2016


1. good sex can be_____ bad pizza

2. let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about_____


3. _____ is all about putting pleasure back into sex. TMI Tuesday

4. excessive use of pornography can distort expectations of what sex in real life should or could be like. true or false?


so much talent, blown. tennis needs a bad boy, but McEnroe was a winner.

care to expound? i'm up, my babies

5. _____ boosts my sexual performance. _____ boosts my sexual enjoyment.

bodybuilding shakes. strawberry bodybuilding shakes.

bonus: what is the last way that you experienced sexual pleasure? playing tennis. for Federer it's a religious experience. for me it's porn.


Friday, October 14, 2016



* and guys, too

* when you think about it, dragons are the cure for everything. so............we just need some dragons.

* Granny Mileena

* oh, thought it said Subway. had a joke lined up.



* watch out, Brad, Connie's a Gem Warrior.

* there will be a reckoning. the elephants will stomp you out like the Giants defense did to Tom Brady that Super Bowl.

* like the motherfucking dickens

* is the election over yet?

* General Drake: YOLO.

* the Spirited Away guy?

* no, guess not.

* nothing to do with pot

* not cool, that green guy was a father. isn't it creepy how you can suddenly make any inanimate object a living breathing soul simply by sticking two eyes on it?

* violence does not make sex sexier.

* General Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone.

* Jenkins: listen to the words coming out of my mouth, soldier! not the ridiculous mustache on my mouth!

* just as well. too much Sbarro mall pizza will give you painful flashbacks.

* get to da choppa

* war is a zero-sum game.

* you'll put an eye out

* remember when phones rang off the hook?

* it's even worse, the green guy was a grandfather. put a gray wig on a watermelon...


happy halloween

Wednesday, October 12, 2016


Bump: good evening, ladies and gentleman. let me welcome you to the world! i am the president and i combed my hair special for this occasion cos i'd know you'd be dressed to the tens. inflation. oy vey i'm a politician now ma. as President, Campaign CEO, and owner of Trickster News i set the agenda here but there's no agenda. it's fair and balanced and most importantly communal. this is the people's news for the people's republic. this is what i always wanted. i was born for this! eh keep the camera on me......what do we have on the docket? i'm interviewing the fastest racewalker in the world, Carl. hello Carl.

Carl: hello...pardon my deep breaths, taking it all in one last time.

Bump: yous sweaty over here, ha. you Carl from Aqua Teen?

Carl: no, heehee, just look like him. that's how i bagged my girlfriend.

Bump: knew i liked you, Carl. i wanted to meet folk like yous, Carl, salt of the earth, too much salt on the earth now. yeah i was spitballin with my blonde the other day and i suggested a bus tour but she quickly shot down the idea. let them lead y'know what i mean, Carl?

Carl: yeah well i'm here promoting the last mission to end all muscular diseases. i racewalked the entire globe, even over water thanks to some Olympic-sanctioned drugs, to bring awareness. very unusual. y'know it's not just all muscular dystrophy, the muscle of your mind can get pretty fucked up, too.

Bump: yeahs i read that in the last paper. yous took over when that freethrow-shooting tour got canceled from lack of funds.

Carl: interest, really.

Bump: hey Carl promise me you'll lay off the Stones. don't ever get started with that stuff, take it from me, your mind starts to wander and you type late-night things you don't mean and get the sniffles. it's going around the lockerrooms. it's like a neverending cold. and they still haven't cured the cold have they?

Bump offers some snake wine to Carl who politely refuses.

Bump: *long meditative swig* down the hatch. get it? oh that tastes good, so good. tastes so dangerous and refreshing. tastes like a woman's sting. tastes like pussy juice.


the sandpiper lands on Hilary's head but she's too far gone to care about her hair. she has taken over Bump's job laying brick for the wall. but she walls herself in. so tightly-packed are the stones she can't hear a peep from the end of the world outside. not even her beloved Pope's entreaties to come in and stay with her.

the Pope: *knock knock* ow! ow! all i've ever wanted to do was die well. for you have to learn to die before you can learn to live.

Hilary had this all planned. since her girl childhood. she sets down her drill by her lounge chair, flips on her medicinal sunglasses and finally sleeps.

Madchen tried to reach her.

Madchen: i could just eat those two up!

she tried to eat Hilary and the Pope, swallow them to protect them, talk to them later when they lost the shock of being in Madchen's stomach.

Madchen: but i realize the strongest walls, the most impenetrable from outside, immune from drugs and special powers, are the ones people put up around themselves.


Bona Dea is celebrated secretly somewhere around the world for the last time. but i got a feeling that will come back into vogue later on somewhere else. a desert tortoise drinks the last usable water on earth. he saves the last drop in his shell for safekeeping cos you gotta hope.


the Shoreham PRT is the last functioning transit on earth. it rapidly halts and catches fire. there are no more peoplemovers. people must move themselves.


"what up, Hamdog?"

they try to get Lieu to wake up. but he is asleep forever. just as he always wanted. in a psych-ward bed. in his dream, Lieu continues on:

"my name is Lieu. my code name is mud. that is, Nokiasa. from the Japanese. i love Japanese culture. NOKIASA=No One Knows I'm A Secret Agent. my name is Lieu and i have a toux. *coughs* "

Lieu tries to move his arms and legs but he is strapped down by his skin. the white walls are closing in.


at the cloud-forest library:

GSF: as the last black man on earth, i demand that you tell me! we don't deserve to be in the dark anymore!

Cotard: *Saitama* OK. simple really. Codrus communicated the apocalypse to the people through his face on all the coins of the world, right?

GSF: yes. it was a frightening sight. you know what it's like to reach into your pocket not knowing what's in there? that's scary enough. talk about nothing in the dark. it's one thing to lose the world, it's another to have that smug mug informing you of it. since all coins are now chiseled from the same slab of Stones located at the U.S. Mint, even rare valuable global coins, even Pokemon Go coins, the people of the globe were easily controlled. o how those coins stunk of golden corruption! like Limburger. rotten Limburger. how ignominious the whole thing is. we lose ourselves when we lose our dignity.

Cotard: except for pennies which my brother deemed worthless. which they are. or were. he's a sharp one unfortunately. he figured that everyone has coins lying around their house cos no one uses coins anymore. they're right there for the taking and mastering. now do you wish we returned back to Rod Serling childhood times when you could actually rid yourself of a coin and get an ice cream cone? i countered Codrus's spell by making anyone on earth who still had a penny in their possession the real rulers of earth, cured of the hold of the pandemic of the Stones. the perfect penny palliative. this is god-level divine war stuff, you wouldn't understand.

GSF: how dare you, good sir. this is the kind of dismissive attitude that creeps into our discourse and soon becomes legal discrimination. wait, CODRUS IS YOUR FUCKING BROTHER!!?

Cotard: you should see who our mom is. my plan hatched brilliantly. and hilariously. the curse was reversed. the power dynamic disintegrated. the ingrained structures in place in the world for centuries suddenly tumbled with one tumblr stroke. most everyone was free, i only had to deal with a few thousand or so pennygrubbers. i mean suddenly anyone who flicked a penny with their right thumb became a world king: grifters with plaid porkpie hats, confidence men with slicked-forward hair parts, and petite pompadoured short Johnny Bravos. stay-at-home moms who used pennies to scratch their lottery tickets still stayed at home but they were bigger homes. there was an indiscriminate run not on the banks which long since abandoned pennies but on the arcades with those cute little duck games. speaking of water, wishing wells and koi ponds were drained clean.

Codrus: very funny, brother. are you not entertained?


Cotard: nice of you to join us, brother. or maybe not. on the other end of the long table like old times.

Codrus: *checking off his checklist and not checking it* check! yep yep yep yep yep nothing else to do. bored. the only mystery left was whether the October surprise would be Democrat or Republican. it's not nice to keep secrtets from your dear brother, dear brother. you should have told me Mother of all beings was into horoscopes.

Cotard: oh yeah, so...where'd the indian dude run off to?...anyway yeah so you never knew that story, huh? i guess i was mom's favorite. she was having trouble getting pregnant so she sought the advice of a female soothsayer with long silken balayage hair who lived on the open space of Mama Fuerza's left palm. the psychic predicted that mom would conceive only if she ingested five pennies a day. even after you were born, Codrus, mom's little miracle, she continued feeding you the pennies a day to make sure a curse wouldn't settle in the spell.

Codrus: that's why to this day sour and sweet taste the same to me on my tongue. but i got the last laugh. i figured out what you were doing and went along with it. that's the key, make 'em think they're important. all you did was make me stronger you dolt!

Cotard: o but no, all the loose copper change rattling around in your stomach wasn't rolled. *Cotard breaks the fourth wall* folks, remember, for it to work all your pennies must be rolled. that's the only way you can buy a pizza with pennies, they have to be rolled. not all over the floor. and certainly not swallowed. everyone was too lazy to roll their pennies so nobody won.

Codrus: blast. it all comes down to paper.

Cotard: still with all that indigestible copper in you you won't be as powerful a god as you could have been. it acts as an independent stopper. you're not pure, you have foreign bodies objecting. thank god. you still have to respect your mother.

GSF: this all seems rather silly, gentlemen, all higher-up nonsense. i'm more an Aristotle pointing even than a Plato hands up. let's get back down to the issues that really matter, the ones on earth.

Codrus: how's it being President?

GSF: it's not the years in your life but the life in your years. *deep external sigh* it sucks.

Wolf throws his headset at the camera.

Wolf: goddamnit, it's a 5!

Codrus: hurricanes are magnificent bastards aren't they? i could never shape one as craftfully as mother. hers were so perfect, the eye was a superspeeding single edgeless dot of flawless fury. i tried with this one but i wasn't into it anymore.

Cotard: yes i see you've moved on to volcanoes. for some reason.

Codrus: smallerscale. easier to manipulate. you know all about that.


at the Melbourne Bone Bed on the Last Cove


is where we find our fond heroes. they are quickly eating communal green papaya salad except for Lysander who lunches on a Banquet frozen-dinner. the last remaining humans, the thousand or so, all gather one last time, sitting down, careful not to let their bony toes get too sunk in the cold red sand, staring off into the abyss of space which is right on the nose. there's no more Space Coast, only space. no more contraflow. Atalan the sperm whale is the first mammal to break loose from the confines of this earthly blue and battering-ram floatily his oceanic shackles and swim into the black of space.

Lysander: omg look at this goop. it tastes okay but it looks ugly! i mean this is depressing sucking down a frozen salisbury steak and a few peas and frozen mashed potatoes on a thin black tray. this is so single. i am so depressed.

the ladies: yes macha!

Lysander: what? what was that? i didn't catch that. my hearing is going as i get hungrier......wait.....WAIT! WAIT FOR ME! DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND!..............AT LEAST CAN WE TAKE OUT FOR PIZZA????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

with the last strength in her toes Madchen flicks the rocketship carrying Carmen, Herlina, Harfi, and the cats into space. Madchen disappears and the glued earth rumbles. not an earth quake but an earth whimper.

offscreened: there's another rocketship called the cocketship at day and coketship at night that escapes view. it is filled with all the elites. the Hollywood elites: Meryl Streep who has successfully fused with her doppelganger Glenn Close, Robert Redford who guzzles down Paul Newman salad dressing to keep his skin clear, M. Night, Lucas who ate Spielberg, Idris, Lin-Manuel, Raul Esparza, Priyanka, and that dude who's a star in India and also a world-champion cricketer. and the president of China who's also like the Chinese Spielberg, he makes all the movies they see over there. the bogan who wears the spectacular mask is an australian-rules god. all the gingers are used for fuel except Christina Hendricks who cushions the fall for everyone...................distraught over the gingers. Caitlyn Jenner steers them but there's a question of captaincy. Cheryl Boone Isaacs claims it but CCH Pounder takes her by the neck and demands she be seen in the blackness of space. Oprah decided to stay and leave her legacy with all the Cove inhabitants. she ground up all the big Stones inside her frame and gave it all away, sprinkling it all over the area like the fairy godmother she was.

CCH: *taps on the tin side of the vessel* ya herd? CCH stands for Captain of this Cold Horse, bitch.
Cheryl: *Saitama* OK. you don't have to be rude.
CCH: sorry, i sowed my oats on FX.

Wolf was just barely able to jump and land on the tail of this ship, his thick beard acting as his space helmet. nobody talks to him out here so he entertains himself during the long trip.

Wolf: hey i got a crackship.........Bump and Ivanka.


Bump sees in front of him the specter. he raises up an invisible lowball glass of old-fashioned orange wine. the red on his cap turns into a red C.

Bump: here's to us. cheers. buena serata. Eamus Catuli!

planet earth silently explodes.

Frank Caliendo: *doing a Bump impersonation* hey Mickey Bump, you're all right. you're a good guy. you're a gentleman scholar and a benefactor with your billions. you're a good priest and the real-life version of Rich Uncle Pennybags with the long hat and short pants.

Bump: *looking inward* i was the King of Earth...

everybody laughs, including Hilary and the Pope. Frank assumes his new position as President and steps onto the raised dais.

Hilary: how'd you free me? i thought i had the only drill.

the Pope: *firing up her own drill* o honey, we're a couple, remember? matching drills. matching everything.

Bump gets up and puts his arms around Hilary and the Pope making a sandwich with him as the middle meat.

Bump: come on, girls, we got dance practice!

Hilary puts a blonde wig on Codrus before they leave.

Monday, October 10, 2016


1. what is femininity to you in 50 words or less: CLICK HERE

2. how does femininity come into play in your sexual relationship? not to be binary about it but i feel deeply. i cry. i genuinely love moonlit walks on the beach. i like to see where the moon is positioned in the night sky. so that i may conquer it for Alexander the Great.

3. what is masculinity to you in 50 words or less: CLICK HERE

4. men, we often hear about women's body-image struggles? what are yours? i was always skinny as a toothpick. the bullies would lift me up and blow me away. literally. like a feather. i drank the bodybuilding shakes but i just wish they had a strawberry flavor. nothing worked. i was embarrassed and wore long sleeves and pants in the triple-digit heat of a Washington, D.C. retreat i attended. that only made me lose more weight as a sweated off a few more pounds. met my first girlfriend there. she wanted to become a senator. i wanted to write political thrillers. she was frantic when i went missing during dinner. i hadn't disappeared, i was just so skinny i looked like her chair. she sat on me and we started going steady right then and there.

5. men's gender-role conflict is a psychological state in which restrictive definitions of masculinity limit men's well-being and human potential. do you now or have you ever suffered from men's gender-role conflict? what are you doing to resolve this? yes. i was always the sissy. the pansy. the Dungeon Master which sounds cool but really isn't. all i can do is continue drinking the bodybuilding shakes.

bonus: does gender have any real meaning anymore? it's fluid. like all language now. urbandictionary has become the dictionary. that's why i love playing with words. it never gets boring the way it does when you play with other things. we live in an age where literally and figuratively literally and figuratively mean the same thing. we live in the age of the Everything Pizza, an ancient Buddhist concept. ask the Dalai Lama about it sometime. he gets the joke, he's just trolling you for the Lama lulz.


Friday, October 7, 2016

what is IT?


* i really need to get out more.

* STAY INSIDE! for my hurricane peeps. stay safe out there.

* is the election over yet?

* look at the Oprah's Book Club logo. stare deep inside that O. ohm. ohm. Oprah owns the letter O................literally......she bought it...

* the best book clubs are solitary

* Bert is reading about our upcoming Lizard conquerors.

* you always have that one annoying roommate you can't get rid of...

* Sesame Street: anti-reading. *LeVar Burton cries from lack of funds*

* reading is brain exercise! anyone who reads knows this!

* no shoving, Ernie

* remember when tag was a beautiful childhood game and not another internet thing?

* i laugh like Ernie when i've had too much fizzy pop.

* 1:25: Bert: *thinking internally* what is life?

* 1:30: Bert: *thinking externally* what is life?

* i laugh like Bert when i've had too much bath salt.

* see these two take baths together and one day Ernie replaced his usual rubber ducky with a Death Star bath bomb that wasn't quite up to snuff (cos it was filled with snuff)


happy weekend. stay cool...

Wednesday, October 5, 2016


Bump: God kill me now

Codrus: well i'm happy to oblige. but don't you want to see how the series finale ends? it's never how it's prophesied in the bible. the bible needs a reboot. send it over to Netflix. i only needed one Horseman. and the horse man is not whom you'd think.

Bump: i am so hazy i can almost forget the whole thing where it's Hilary's mom giving me the ball. dammit why did i just repeat that? you can't win can you? you can't forget the mind is the devil's plaything like that. the memories fade away and the pain remains. why did i only remember the nasty stuff? why can't i be dopey on command? why didn't the drugs make me an airhead? kids, don't do Stones. embrace your life like the show it is, stand fat and tan and bluster your way to the top. if your mind can conceive it you can achieve it granted it's not full of magical thinking. come on buddy, give me a lift.

Bump's horse: i am the man in this relationship *whip* ride on your destiny!

the horse rides Bump's back but it breaks midstream. Bump's back that is. when Bump crashes he crashes hard, enough to redirect Hurricane Matthew Chris's trajectory back to the States after its first path of destruction, his final act of disobedience to nature. the knives from his last knife storm break up into metal particles and irritate the atmosphere enough to alter the hurricane's path.

Codrus: you know you were always a hard worker even when you didn't mean it. you were always reaching for something that wasn't entirely there. i shall miss you when you go. you impressed upon me.

Bump in his final throes enters his child's imaginings. he sees the blonde woman and it is indeed Hilary's mother. he kisses her on the mouth with unabashed love and downward dogs his hefty body with his rump in the air beckoning her to mount him.

horse: y'know that means two things in my culture, either sex or war.

the horse mounts Bump but to Bump it is his mother figure Rose who mounts him. Bump can't move much anymore so he canters over and lays on his big side like a beached whale. his final clicks come not from his hooves but from his mouth forced open by all the hot glue gushing to spill out of it. Mickey Bump's last words are muddled as all last words are:

Bump: i never wanted to go to Venice, the real one. too wet. i thought people would make fun of me in my bathing suit. i wanted to go to the Venice of California where i could sun all day in my trunks.............................whatever i did, whatever destruction i caused, i was simply the next in a long line. the shame falls on the ones who towed the line all along, lengthening is one big reality show.......

the fire is creeping into everyone's shorts, forcing even a corpse to move. Bump takes one last stand, with a will he paid for he gets up and slowly saunters over to the property line of the rotunda, tracing with his hot foot the path of states around the country he would have needed to win to clinch the election. his electoral path shines more red than the fire. all that twirling makes him exhausted but he looks over his shoulder to see a sandpiper perched on an outer strand of his hair. the sandpiper makes sure his pop filter is on his microphone and puts it to his beak to speak...but says nothing, only acknowledges Bump with a man nod and flies away. Bump collapses and dies with his mouth wide open and drooling, and the glue comes hard out of it with the force of a broken red hydrant, quickly covering the Earth in goo.

Mickey Bump (???-2016)

MEANWHILE Larry King is still alive. he gathers all the rest of the celebrities into his mansion, waits for the key party to rev up, slips out undetected, boards up his house with strong plywood he breaks his back nailing shut alone, spraypaints LAST OF MY KIND on the boards, takes only his big shiny '30s radio microphone with him, unplugged but somehow still working, strips and runs through the graveyards like a skeleton where he feels most at home, and jumps geronimo-style into the last lake.

Larry King: WINNING!!!

at the key party everyone is naked and drinking river water from the Los Angeles River in champagne glasses and wearing a bird plague mask. even the Trickster is naked but he wears no mask. everyone thinks they're snorting cocaine but they're too far gone to notice it's just sugar.

Larry King: i switched the bowls last night to save money. heehee i'm such a stinker. the keybowl is the same bowl i had my salad on for breakfast this morning.

Lady Gaga: i like your mask, handsome. groovy.

the Trickster: oh this isn't a mask. this is my real fox face.

Lady Gaga: i bet you say that to all the girls.

the Trickster: i say that to everyone actually. now get on your knees and let me give you communion.

at the last beach of Venice, California, everyone on earth is remembering vacations they took there they never took, at that cove by the side of the road everyone recognizes, the one lined with Austin Cambridges with wooden paneling and wooden surfboards on top and wooden bikinis on bottom. including Lysander, who curls his legs against his belly as he binges the first season of Gilmore Girls before it got bad.

Lysander: you know you can't actually go to the bathroom during regular broadcast-tv commercial breaks. it's impossible. not enough time.

Madchen: i'm holding weak. need to suck all your girl power.

Harfi: yes, mom. almost done here.

Carmen: yes, mom, almost done here. i just needed some Kiwi ingenuity to tie the rocket to the booster. the booster being mom's enormous breasts. a little No. 8 wire round the nipples. kinky. and strong.

Herlina: almost done here on my end, mom. just doing some research.

but Herlina wasn't doing any research. she was eating. she eats when she gets nervous. unfortunately she also ate some Stones residue when she ate those wild berries this morning for breakfast. that allowed Herlina to take a bit of meat from the bison she sees herding up and trying to follow their ancient-old migration line to the cove. without hurting the bison the meat comes out of its side and floats to her and instantly jerks up to become ridged bison meat sticks.

Herlina: but it's strange. it tastes gushy in my mouth. it's not natural. it's weirdly soft. like tissue paper that's still in the glue phase. i don't like this. i don't want to hurt you. you are the last innocents. i hear the rumbling of your hooves on the ground and it's majestic. the ground is giving way but you follow a path laid out to you by ancestors you never knew. fat be it from me to disrupt this program. i mean far be it. i don't care. i'm gonna do it this time. i'm gonna become vegan. or vegetarian. i simply must hoover Carmen's eggs.

Herlina gathers her kerosene lamps which she fills with the newfound energy in her fat fingers and joins the others.

Madchen: how are you, doc? i'm afraid...

Lysander: never fear, child.

Madchen: no, for you. it's time. ladies. you feel me?

all the girls are mindfully connected and obey willingly. they all know. they've all seen.

Madchen: i've seen the future. you must trust us. well if nothing trust me, your longest patient. without trust the whole game falls apart. whatever we do know that i do it in your best interest. you can trust me, right? you trust this face.

Lysander: you're so big i can only see your butt. and your batting eyelashes. what's going on?

Madchen: your science is useless now, good doctor. where we're all going, magic is the current.

Lysander: when did you become all Jesusy? hey i know my situation. more than most. i've thought deeply about such things. it's my job. my science was pretty useless when the world wasn't pear-shaped and the apple was in New York. now, what? i don't know what i'm doing anymore! i can't help others if i can't help myself! i can't help myself, i have a problem. we're all gonna die! but mostly i don't want to die!

Madchen: calmate, Lys. i am here. always. and you will be here, too. it's not death, it's the beginning of a new life.

Lysander: no it's not! that's some bullshit i cram down my terminals! this is the end! this is really the end!

Madchen: you will be far more powerful than you could ever imagine. you are sitting still now. you will be everything in the future. i love you.

Carmen shovels the last of the travkami into the rocket which is tied around Madchen's butt.

Madchen: got the gem?

Madchen's long tongue slithers out of her mouth and clasps the aquamarine gem from Herlina's brown hands. Madchen inserts the gem into her vagina.

Harfi: well, bye. nice knowing you.

Lysander: wait! can i get a kiss?

Harfi kisses him.

Harfi: alright. we traveled together. we showered together. Hartwin's dead. i guess it's okay. just so you don't die a virgin.

Lysander: oh i have a wife and kids. in my mind. they live in Egypt. can i get some tongue, too?...sorry, i get nervous when i'm about to die.

the sandpiper flies off screen and lands on Lysander's dull bald head.

Harfi licks Lysander's face.

Codrus: how's my favorite leash holder?

Hilary: you did the deed?

Codrus: i'm more interested in if you did the deed.

the Pope: you do not get to spy into our bedroom, mister.

Codrus: (hands on the back of his head) you forget, i see all. one of the perks of being a perv i mean a  god.

Hilary: this is getting confusing even for me. who do i attack? where are the battlegrounds? what does it mean to fight? where are the lines?

Codrus: the world is crazy. designed that way. everyone would lose interest if it wasn't. god knows what i'm gonna do after the election. nothing can top this election. every show that comes after will be boring as the dirt on this ball.

the two or three or so thousand remaining lost souls on this planet vie not for attention but for space to get to the last cove. knocking knees and swimming mountains and climbing oceans. there used to be armies but it's just people now. people. people who fight people. are the luckiest people in the world. cos the world is ending. and this is their only identity. brown on white, black on blue, animal vs. animal. and god knows red has been itchin' forever.

Codrus: you walk the streets nowadays and you can't tell if the Russian army is playing pranks or really beating up old ladies. you're next, Hilary!

there is no much disorder the fires actually quell the action dousing it with the only demarcating lines left on the tarred map of the world. also the stray erupting volcano that pops up here and there on the globe's trying crust gives the people a brief respite to sit down together with some corn and bread and enjoy the natural fireworks.

Hilary's golden coiffe goldens brightly as night turns to eternal night. her drug use shines forth finally.

Codrus: don't be ashamed. you have beautiful hair. everyone needs medicine.

Hilary lifts her finger and the Washington Monument is shaken out of the ground where it stood on the plot of the grassy knoll. it hovers magically in a yellow aura. she and the Pope take turns puffing from the tip of the white spear. the Washington Monument is now one big hooka. the two most powerful women nobody knows meld minds and share the greatest bong slam of all time. the huge mushroom cloud of marijuana smoke created turns into a dragon and does a flyover before perching on Codrus's shoulder.

Codrus: *cough* impressive. good summoning, my pet. wow. that's the first time i've involuntarily coughed in centuries. i can't get high again. i became drug-resistant long ago. my tolerance is what keeps the universe from flying apart.

Joe: you okay, Mr. President?

the President: i don't have my legs under me, Joe.

Joe: well then let me at 'em. i'll give 'em the ol' Joe blow. that's my job. i'll give 'em the uncensored news from a poor small mining town. i'll give 'em the what's what. the what for. i'll defend you to my dying brain. i'll sock it to 'em, plaster their malarkey-spoutin' mouths right up. i'll be the one to


the President: no Joe, it will be more powerful if i deliver the last line.

Joe: is this cos i'm white?

the original American flag Joe's holding burns on its stick until it becomes a torch.

at the library past the Hutongs and the Temple of Heaven and the cloud forest:

Gold Star Father: (huffing and puffing) sir, i have traveled a great distance to meet you. they said you could make a life from this strife. i have bothered you at an unusual time. 4:55. i am the last religious on earth.

Cotard gives GSF a bear hug.

Cotard (sitting at the side of a long empty library table): hey what does that make me? liverlips?

GSF: why do you twiddle your thumbs so?

Cotard: look closelier.

Cotard wasn't twiddling his thumbs. he was flicking two pennies with both his thumbs. one penny has a heads side and a heads side, the other a tails side and a tails side.

Cotard: i know the one substance in the universe that can counter the Stones:


Monday, October 3, 2016


1. you want to make love but your partner says they're too tired. your reaction? a) annoyed/frustrated b) bummer but you can relate c) awkward long hug and the waiting game d) paranoia seeps in, maybe your partner is cheating or thinks you're ugly

i can wait. i've waited my whole life. i can wait my whole afterlife...besides i gotta catch up on Stranger Things, Mr. Robot, and Wicket Goes Fishing.

2. who is having better sex, you or your best friends? a) obviously moi b) we don't talk about such things c) comparison is the thief of joy d) my friends are having all the good sex, i can't keep up

me: you gettin' down?
best friend forever: yes. remember last night?
me: that was you?

3. how do you feel right after sex? a) gross b) ready to take on the world c) drowsy d) a bit let down and tired


4. which is better, being a man or a woman? a) men have it easier b) women have it easier c) having too much fun being me to think about it d) is there really a difference?

i'm a motherfucking starboy

5. you and your partner have just had sex that, well, wasn't that good. you: a) everyone has a bad day, even Federer and Rod Serling b) drop hints that things better improve on a sticky note in their thermos cup c) consider breaking up, sex is the glue d) discuss immediately and brainstorm

there is no such thing as bad sex, only bad pizza. Mario's Pizza tastes like glue. i mean he is a plumber after all...

6. what advice do you wish you had when you started having sex? a) sex is healthy b) private parts as hot erogenous zones, not cold biology c) protect your body from STDs and pregnancy or it won't be much fun d) enjoy it while you can cos it gets worse as you get older


bonus: what will your sex life be like when you're 70 years old? a) wrinkly b) sparse c) my years of hard-won, wine-fueled wisdom will pay off with some septuagenarian sex