Gary Kildall: Bill Gates killed all my dreams.
dad: wanna talk about it?
Gary: i didn't cause the global power outage out of revenge. Bob Newhart was a computer techie.
Bob Newhart: don't call me a nerd, asshat.
God: hi Bob.
Gary: wanna eat at this lobster place over here?
dad: nah, i had an orange lobster as a pet when i was a kid.
Simple Minds: we'll never be a hair band...
Bill Murray: The Shining reboot with me in the Jack role. i'll be less menacing than Jack, more jokey.
Shelley Duvall: only if it's Winona Ryder.
Sofia Coppola: no, Scarlett Johansson, this will be the Lost in Translation sequel...
Clint Eastwood playing Pebble Beach links golf: i don't know how many kids i have, leave me alone. i had a kid in high school instead of doing math, Americans are bad at math.
Bill Murray: that was me, hi dad.
Clint: why didn't i stay with Dina Ruiz? she was normal.
Dina Ruiz: and a local celebrity. our wedding was a big to-do.........only on the KSBW channel. to think all i ever wanted to be was a newscaster...
Clint: i dropped that anchor. and then you dropped me.
Dina: you made me an alcoholic, Clint.
Clint: people think i'm the same as Charlton Heston, but i'd have to play Moses as an atheist...
Clint: i couldn't join AA...
Gary: the day of the big meeting came. Bill Gates and IBM flew down to Pacific Grove.
Bill Gates: to see you in your skateboard garage.
Gary: it was a cart barn. you stole my idea to make computers CUTE!!!
Bill Gates: no i didn't, that was Steve Jobs, HE did the Macintosh 128K later. i gathered the IBM fellas in a Druid circle all around the TinoType telephone. i asked you, Gary, are you ready for your McKinsey interview now?...
Bill Gates: hey fellas, the phone is typing something from Gary: je suis fatigue
Gary: i'm always tired.
Bill: why weren't you at that fateful meeting?
Gary: you told me you left your keys at your Seattle mansion and to take your private-jet seaplane to pick them up...
Bill: by the way i've since lost the keys to that plane...
Gary: i was so depressed after that i turned to uppers.
dad: yeah but that was just computer culture in the '80s.
Gary: Bill Gates had stolen my identity. HE was my digital doppelganger. people in Omni Magazine interviews kept asking me why i wasn't Bill Gates. i told them because i don't wear glasses.
Gary: i turned to dangerous books and movies. i read John Steinbeck's East of Eden and watched The Wild One. before long i thought i was Marlon Brando in a motorcycle jacket who was angry at what the world GOT. i went to a biker bar in Monterey and had a pleasant time.
River Phoenix: yeah, luckily i was there to break your fall when you tripped on the gold counter cowboy-boot railing.
Gary: thanks for the save, River. River, weird name.
dad: so a bar gang didn't attack you?
Gary: oh they did. they had coiled vipers on the back of their black jackets. but River was there.
River: i fended those leather-clad hooligans off with a giant cucumber i used as my sword. they got aroused and left.
River: and then i tripped on the railing and Gary broke my fall before i had a massive concussion.
dad: the difference between concussion and contusion is massive. i was a doctor's son.
River: thanks, friend Gary. it was a good thing you were there, Johnny Depp was nowhere to be found.
Johnny Depp: i work a lot. i'm always working. i'm never around.
Hormel Angus Chili: it only tastes good with no beans.
Gareth Southgate: where do i go from here?
Bill Gates: enter my gate from the south end.
Maria Shriver: i'm not Kuato. that's Mars not Mrs. Schwarzenegger.
Trent Reznor: everyone wants to be a musical genius. everyone wants to be Bjork in their bedroom. "The Only Time" is the perfect promposal song.
The Twilight Zone "The Trunk".
Bud Cort: do these glasses make me look inscrutable? why are these The Warriors rejects bothering me? once you've had Shelley Duvall, these women are a dime a dozen. why couldn't i ask the trunk to make the girl like me? for me, not my things. it's the hallway from the Silverchair "Emotion Sickness" music video. in the end, i get young Maude. back when Maude had a pleasant voice and a nice butt. it would have been better if i had remained locked in the trunk forever, since when does The Twilight Zone have happy endings?...
Shelley Duvall; were you ever someone's muse like me?
Bud Cort: not like you, i was a paid muse.
Jen R at the biker bar: drink your Clamato juice in a shot from a shot glass in the morning, get it over with...
that man in the One-A-Day commercial touches the cap of that multivitamin bottle so TENDERLY.
Sting: windmills of your mind.
Willie Nelson wearing Don Quixote armor and smiling: you were always on my mind, you were a windmill in my addled mind. the only thing that healed my brain was pot. Snoop Dogg is taking me to Medieval Times.
Jen: i changed the sheets in our camper. they're light airy Three's Company '70s paisley sheets.
me: these sheets are SO LIGHT there are no sheets.
Jen: that's the power of silk, baby.
at the beach.
seagull: hey!!! pick up your green pill in the sand. we don't want to be picking that shit up with our beaks.
Jack Tripper: sorry. it helps me stay at work.
IHOP: hey you got any of those extra-large Ziploc bags? we got a couple extra pancakes.
Royal Troon: the herding wind will kill you.
Boc: back from my morning walk, i thought i was inhaling mist. i was inhaling haze.
Jimi Hendrix: ...
Boc: i was swallowing smoke and i gave up cigs a decade ago. at least let it be fun like pot smoke.
Jen: Parliament Slim 110s, bitch sticks.
Virginia is for Lovers.........of cigarettes.
Chrissie and Martina in the '70s: for staying slim?
Billie Jean King: we've come a long way, baby.
Talia: remember when i started talking to you in English last night?
me: that was a little disconcerting for a cat.
Talia: it was that scene from Lars von Trier's Antichrist but totally benevolent.
Lynne Thigpen: the Carmen Sandiego game show, that was every kid's introduction to World Music.
Peter Gabriel: it was mine.
Barry Carl: with my voice i got more women than Barry White.
Barry White: no, sucka, no.
Richard Simmons on SNL: cholesterol tastes good. i'm here to propose marriage to Linda Richman. the Deal-A-Meal cards are dance cards.
Porky Pig: that Deal-A-Meal catalog looked like a package of bacon.
CVS: Vanquish.........has vanquished off the shelves.
me: that doesn't make up for the lack of magic white pills in my life. i do a Breaking Bad every time i enter the Walmart website.
Tiger Woods: Colin Montgomerie? the dude who looks like a British nanny?
Colin Montgomerie: that hurts. the British part.
Tiger: James Patterson, you're doing fanfiction now? come on, bro.
Curious George: Candybowl this morn for milady? the chocolate bars offer madame the finest bouquet. wine lollipops...
Kamala Harris and Gretchen Whitmer: fine, we're lesbians. is that enough to get just enough Republican votes to win?...
Panda Express: we have dessert.........apple pie...
Elon Musk: those Econolines scare me, they look like kidnap vans.
Michael J. Fox: the Tesla Truck looks like the DeLorean in my worst nightmare.
Hayao Miyazaki: the Tesla Truck is like bad '80s anime. when will people LEARN about Earth?!!!...
Bob Newhart: this time, it IS a dream...
Purple Crayon: oh Harold, you need to do your exercises, you're turning into a chubby kid.
Harold: Invisible Chair...
Gary: when you first crack open that fucking 45-ouncer of Country Crock butter.
Jen: that's the tub i want to soak in, not my jacuzzi.
Gary: that convex alien ship in the middle of the butter...
me: THIS is the power of wax paper!!! it kept the microwave clean from a tomato bomb!!! it cooked the Puttanesca olive all the way through!!!
Jen: next time try cheesecloth.
dentist holding a water-flosser: what good are healthy gums if you're alone?
Kevin Blackistone: i didn't get into sports journalism for the sports, i did it to get access to the weightroom. i did it for my health. the author of the Arthur Aardvark books leads The Open. I'm a professor.........of sports. the worldwide power outage is gonna affect the Olympics.
Jackie Fitzgerald: ...
Jules Smith: the English cucumber is so big and bumpy it counts as ONE, not two...
Queen Kate out and about: i booked an eternal reservation at Islands restaurant in the Del Monte Center in Monterey.........a forever reservation.........in case Keanu changes his mind...
Pam: i mean you're here again so you might as well see the jubbies.
goat on cliff: i'm gonna be okay, you human mountain-climbers are crazy.
Lou Dobbs: i was TRULY scary.
Neil Armstrong: i was responsible for that Working Girl scene with the housewife vacuuming bottomless.
Andrew Gold: when Laraine Newman dumped me, i lost my way there for the rest of the '80s, i was floating in the Milky Way or something...
dad: the story has a happy ending?
Gary: yeah, i went to work for Steve Jobs. you always got the sense Steve Jobs was doing it for the right reasons, that he actually CARED, he wanted to help, better, and ADVANCE humanity.
Steve Jobs: tech sucks, i'm a priest.
me: happy weekend, my babies.
dad: what's on the menu, son? i'm bringing a hungry guest.
Gary: i warn you, i'm always tired and i eat A LOT.
Jen: The Burger Den, has that Medieval-tavern vibe, Queensryche in jester uniforms are the house band...
Gary: has a nice fireplace. i smoked crack by that fireplace.
No comments:
Post a Comment